2014

2014 was the year that came in on the heels of a catalyst for a big decision.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that things could not continue the way that they had been going.

2014 started and I was asleep, I went to bed at 9pm on NYE because I was safer asleep where there would be no chance for an alcoholic spiral if I was not in the room.

I enjoyed pork and black eyed peas and collard greens with my family. Daron had a stomach bug or something. I didn't mind that he was not there it was always easier on my family if it was just me. That was the night I told my Mom I was praying about leaving and thinking about talking to a lawyer.

I wrote about how my Mom didn't want to hear anything positive about Daron in a post that I wrote in Spring 2012. Looking back I realize that it's easier to see the lack of change in someone when you are not married to them and trying to make the marriage work.

Audra's 5th birthday party was a huge success. I started planning in October and when the party arrived she was such a great hostess. She included all her friends and made everyone feel so special. All the details that went into making that happen were worth it. The feeling of finality when I closed the doors to the party room was undeniable. I could now leave and this was my final memory with the girl as her stepmom.

I met with the lawyer and talked to her about my marriage and why I felt it necessary to leave. We put together a separation agreement.

February 4, 2014 I left for good. I had left, said I was leaving, returned, and repeated a pattern believing that he would follow through on the promises to do better. It was never about whether or not he loved me. He did the best he could with what he had and when he was not drinking we made a good team. The reality of our life together was that he drank more often than he wasn't and when he drank he had a tendency to be verbally abusive to the point where I would leave because I feared for my physical safety.

The week after I left I met with my friend Lisa for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Then the next day the snow came. My office closed early and was closed the following day. I stayed with my college roommate and her daughter and we had a blast!

I was supposed to drive to High Point that Friday but I postponed the trip to Saturday.

February 27 I had a meeting with the ladies pastor and counselor at the Concord church and I reluctantly agreed to a joint counseling session.

The joint counseling session was after I provided the pastor and counselor with all the information regarding the past years of my marriage. When Daron was asked to explain his side he didn't have any answers just kept talking about how he was changed and that he had been hard to live with.

We left that meeting with the agreement that I would have another one on one session with the counselor and then a joint meeting with him to establish parameters. He didn't listen to the L would set the parameters part and went home and sent me an email suggesting to me what the parameters should be.

I forwarded his suggestions to the pastor and counselor.

Reluctantly I kept my meeting to establish parameters.

2 weeks later he and I had our joint session to discuss those parameters.

When he wasn't trying to tell me how he had changed and that everything was different he was arguing with the counselor about the parameters. Instead of listening and being willing to do whatever it would take he was trying to make us see that he was "right" and we were "wrong".

He reluctantly agreed to the parameters, 90 AA meetings in 90 days and one text message of love or commitment to me a day.

He completed the 90/90. The one text message of love or commitment, that part, he didn't seem to grasp.

 I got messages that may have seemed loving to him but truthfully they were not "loving" at all. Then he started "saving up" his messages trying to make them more dramatic. The final straw for me came the day that he told me he was working on his resentment towards me and it was holding him back on his step-work.

I told him that we were done and I was ending the process of joint counseling.

Shortly after that I met the woman who he was talking to at church.

He got called to the carpet on that relationship when he went in for pastoral counseling.

Meanwhile I'll back up since I just jumped through February and March and they were mostly about him.

March was a full month. I ran the shamrock 4miler race with Lisa and Nicole. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to visit and we had a wonderful time! My friend Margs officially moved back from Canada with her family and I was so thrilled to welcome them home! Mom and I went to Beaufort, SC to celebrate her 60th birthday with my Aunt.  

In April I ran a 10K through the Southpark area and the CPCC skyline race which is one of my favorites to run! I celebrated Easter with my family and helped Tiffany's little girl celebrate her 7th birthday at a fabulous Frozen themed birthday party.

May I ran a 10K in High Point and visited Dr. Margaret in Durham. She and I attended a Derby party where she won the prize for best hat. I took and passed my CIC Life and Health class leaving me one more test to pass before I obtain my CIC designation. I said goodbye to Lisa on Cinco de Mayo. May was also the month when D sent me the message about working on his resentment towards me and I ended the process of joint counseling.

June started with a 5K and lunch with CF&G's family. Just because he and I broke up doesn't mean I gave up his family. We celebrated my Dad's birthday with a party and then Father's Day with my brother, SIL and nephew. Mom and Dad flew out to TX and I was left with the house to myself.

I had the odd experience of meeting a woman that D had been talking to when I went to an Awakened night. She took it upon herself to tell D anything and everything that I said in response to her questions. I ran the King Tiger 5K and D showed up on the course and completely threw me off my breathing and what started as a strong race finished as not memorable other than D showing up. That night I went to the Faith Family and Freedom concert with Tiffany and her daughter.

I blocked that woman from my FB and let the pastor and counselor at the Concord church know what had happened. I thought I was going to have to back off from even attending women's events at the church. Fortunately it was also in June that Patrice and her family moved to NC from FL and suddenly all of my closest girlfriends were back within driving distance of me.

Patrice attended the women's events with me and she and her husband started attending the Concord church. June ended with a trip to GA to visit my friend Vada at her new townhouse.

July brought the 4th and celebrating with my Mom and my Aunt down at the lake house. I ran a 5K the 19th and then went down to the lake house to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came for another visit. The following weekend I ran another 5K and it was hot and humid! July was the month I found out that D decided to leave the Concord church and I was going to be able to return.

August 9 I ran a race and I thought it was a PR but it turned out the course was a little short so it just ended up being a good run. I celebrated my birthday with good friends and enjoyed having a few days off from work. The month ended and September started with a trip to GA to visit my friend Susan and her family.

September was the month of the women's conference at the Concord church. I am so thankful I was able to attend it was such a powerful time of worship and spending time listening to what God had to say. I had the Hit the Brixx 10K which was miserable and I did horribly! I also ran the Lung Strong 5K. I drove up to Monroeville, PA to visit Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda and my Godsister and her family. It was a really great weekend and I loved having the one on one time with all of them.

October I ran a 5miler with my friend Nicole, I did much better time wise for that race than the previous months 10K. I challenged myself to a 21 day fitness challenge and I actually succeeded in working out and fitting in to my costume for the costume party. I was supposed to run a 5K but I decided to forgo that race since Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to town the weekend I was supposed to run it. I went to Boone with my brother, SIL and nephew. We went to Macadoos for lunch and my nephew found out about the amazing Macadoos cinnamon rolls!

The following weekend I flew to Minneapolis, MN to visit my friend Lisa. She was such an amazing hostess! We went to the waterfalls, we walked around, we ate a delicious lunch, we relaxed! We went for a gorgeous run, ate at a fabulous diner/dive Cuban place, went to Mass, went to dinner at another fabulous little hole in the wall. She took me to my first yoga class ever and then I got to meet her running club and I ate the best pizza I've ever had! I totally ate 4 slices of pizza that night, yet the costume still fit!

I found out that weekend about D's girlfriend and I'm thankful that when I found out I had the time I needed to process it before having to go back to work. I remember being on the plane and I realized I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't expect that confirmation of a girlfriend to hurt me as much as it did.

Then D tried to tell me that he still loved me and I just needed to give him a chance. So in true fashion I was just as mad at him all over again as I was hurt. I learned an important lesson, one that should have been common sense and maybe I knew this all along but this has reinforced it. When someone has a girlfriend it makes any claims of love for you null and void.

November I drove down to SC to help Marg's oldest celebrate his birthday. That night went to the costume party at my friend Christi's house. I had a really good time and it was fun to not have to worry about staying too long or not being able to go out at all. I did switch my plan for my costume and even though the one I planned to wear fit, I went with a different look.

 I created a memory with Tiffany and her daughter and Amy and Audra. I drove up Friday to spend the night with my brother , SIL and nephew and then Saturday I went to lunch with them. After lunch I headed over to the hotel to check in and wait for the girls. We went to the Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Mandisa concert and it was amazing! We had such a good time!

The next weekend I went to a crafts fair with my mom that was huge! The weekend before Thanksgiving I drove up to VA and spent time with my friend Jess and her family. She took me into DC and we visited the DAR museum and period rooms and met my cousin Cameron for dinner. The next day we went back into DC and visited the botanical gardens.

Thanksgiving I PR'd my 10K, totally unexpected! I enjoyed the day with my family! I enjoyed that weekend of being able to relax and not "having" to do anything although I got a lot done! I did keep nursery that Saturday after Thanksgiving and unfortunately one of the little girls shared her germs. The week after Thanksgiving I was miserable!

I went for a run on Monday and that was my last workout until Saturday. I missed another race but I did go to the gym and I ran a treadmill 5K. I worked out on Sunday too, trying to get my groove back. I realized after my 21 day fitness challenge that I liked how I felt and I wanted to continue feeling good about myself.

I drove down to SC to give Margaret's boys their Christmas presents and we went to lunch. Then the next day I went over to Patrice's house and did a cookie back with Liam. I was also successful in my first attempt at my Mom's cinnamon rolls. I took my first batch to the Concord church for the staff.

I celebrated Christmas with my small group on December 16. I attended the Awakened Christmas event Shine on December 18. I helped my Mom get the house ready for Christmas on the 20th. I worked on the Monday before Christmas and then I had Tuesday through Thursday off.

I dropped off cinnamon rolls to Amy and the kids and her parents. I visited for a few moments and talked about the fact that it's truly over with D. I talked about how I resent being made the other woman when he's still married to me.

I left their house and went to Patrice's house. I made one last delivery to my friend Nicole and then headed home.

My brother and SIL came to town in time for dinner with my nephew. We enjoyed dinner and then I had to finish wrapping presents.

Christmas Eve was low key. The house was ready; most of the food was already prepped. I went to the gym for a workout. My mom's siblings and families were all there on Christmas Eve night and we opened presents. It was so nice spending time with my family and enjoying everyone!

Christmas morning we opened the presents from each other. I received lots of bath and body works which I am excited about! I loved being able to watch my nephew open his presents! After opening presents and breakfast I drove to the greenway for a run. I'm training for a March half marathon.

Daron texted me a merry Christmas, my response was that if he contacts me again I will send Jaime every message he has sent me since October including the why it's over email. Then I checked Jaime's FB page and he left a comment on her picture of her and her daughter that it was a lovely family picture but that someone seemed to be missing. I took a screen shot. Then I sent that screen shot to him and said that the comment he left on Jaime's picture is lovely. I'm happy that he's moved on and that very seriously if he contacts me further I will send her everything.

I don't know if he is just that stupid, to think I can't see that kind of stuff or what but I definitely had some very angry emotions. Not because I care that he has a girlfriend, I really don't. I think I'm furious because he was the one vomiting all over FB about how he had been wronged and how I had left and how he was so broken and how he is so changed. I knew when I left he would have a girlfriend and likely be engaged before our divorce was final. So dealing with the shock of how much it hurt when I found out about the girlfriend was surprising.

I despise him! When I left I was so relieved. Then he wanted to show me he had changed, and maybe a part of me believed that he had but I needed to see the proof. Then he started dating again. I gave him no reason not to move on. I understand this very clearly. I could have dealt with the moving on, what has made me absolutely furious is that he has repeatedly reached out with text messages of love and second chances while clearly making promises to his girlfriend of a future together. I'm not sure if I'm also maybe angry at myself for ever marrying him. I realize that I would not be where I am now if not for these past few years, and I appreciate very much where I am now. I just resent the fact that for me to get here I married such a POS.

This year is coming to a close and in just a few short weeks I will file for divorce and the chapter of my failed marriage will be closed. As 2014 is ending I am thankful. This year was one of hard decisions that had me evaluating everything that I believed. “I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears” Psalm 34:4.

I’m thankful for the love and support of my family and friends as I navigated this year and the heart break and hurt. “The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.” Proverbs 10:8 “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15 “The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure” Proverbs 14:16

I prayed for wisdom and discernment and every step of the way God met me and I heard what I needed to hear and I was able to see what I needed to see. “Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.” Proverbs 14:33 “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” Proverbs 15:14 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Proverbs 2:6 “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse” Proverbs 2:12 “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding” Proverbs 3:13 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

My life is taking a turn in a direction that I never intended I’m thankful that I know who holds my future. “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you Lord, are good.” Psalm 25:7 “In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

God is good and He is always faithful! “for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.” Psalm 26:3 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13

Weekend fun, exercise, no justifications

Saturday morning I was able to sleep in a little bit, which was needed! Mom and I went to a Christmas craft fair in the middle of nowhere. It's held every year in a school and they use all the class rooms as well as the Library and the gym to set up booths for vendors. In the cafeteria they offer breakfast until 11 and lunch after that.

We had a really good time checking out all the different offerings. I was impressed by the variety and the fact that there are a lot of talented people!

We arrived around 9 and I think we left right around 12. We stopped by BoJangles for lunch and then Mom got to check out the brand new Walmart. I had to get more Rubbermaid storage containers and food for Jack. She needed some things, so it worked out well to stop on our way home.

Saturday afternoon she helped me move the stuff from the cardboard boxes into the storage containers. Once I got that done I took a nap and then went to the gym. It hit me as I was getting ready to go to the gym and I didn't have plans other than going to the gym that I was alone. This sounds completely ridiculous since I'm living with my parents but when I was married there were plenty of Saturday nights where we were not doing anything but I was married and we had Audra and it was what I had always wanted as far as the husband and the child. I had it with CF&G, and when it was gone it was a big hole. I find myself yet again facing the alone.

It's a process and one that I'm continuing to move forward with. I have to just accept that this is where I am. I wanted what I wanted so much that I ignored every flag and warning sign and polly-anna-d my way into a marriage that was a disaster. Being out of the everyday stress and insanity has created the ability to recognize that I loved him, and that it had good moments. I think that this is also what allows us to begin to heal, that distance that takes the sharpest edges off the hurts.

I felt better after I worked out. Exercise is always a good way to let go of negative thoughts. I was in bed by 9:30 Saturday night. Yesterday morning I was up early so I could get my run in before church. I went to the gym and ran 4 miles.

I went to the 11 service so I could sit with Patrice and Aaron. Before the service I was talking to a casual friend who I really like. She does not know any details from me regarding my marriage other than the fact that we are no longer together. She asked me yesterday how Daron was doing.

It was an honest question that I wasn't prepared for. The immediate answer that went across my brain, oh he has a girlfriend. Fortunately I've learned how to keep these kinds of answers from just being blurted out. I took a breath and gave a shrug and said I honestly don't talk to him and I don't know. I gave the best non answer I could. My immediate desire is to give the run down and the justifications and word vomit all of it so this friend will understand why I made the decision that I made.

Immediately after I left I also left the church. I know that D shared his version of the story to quite a few friends so I don't know if this friend was one of those people or not. He acknowledged that his drinking was the reason why I left but that he was a changed person and I just needed to understand it and come back. He could be so charming and persuasive that I'm sure people believed that it was just a simple matter of reconciling our differences.

One thing I've learned over these past few years is that I don't have to explain. I don't have to give justifications. I have to make the choices and decisions that are the right ones for me. I have to answer for the choices and decisions that I make and I'm fully aware of this.

I was not expecting to feel that immediate need to cast aspersions on my soon to be ex-husband and his character. I realize that I have more work to do on the letting go. I have not heard from him since November 6, the more time that passes the easier it is for me to move forward. I have to work on the fact that there is still some kind of hold on me when I do or don't hear from him.

I've said I am done. I mean that I am done. Yet there is this completely irrational ridiculous part of me that somehow has not let go yet. Maybe it's the part that is freaked out about the whole alone thing. Maybe it's the part of me that always believed that she had to be married. Maybe it's the part of me that knows that dating is horrible and not something I ever planned or wanted to do again and I have no idea if I ever will actually date again. I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from but it's there. 

I feel really fortunate that I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. From my family and friends to my sponsor and weekly meeting as well as the pastor and counselor at church. Every step of the way God has provided exactly what I have needed and need as I navigate this journey. I just have to trust in His plan and seek Him. 

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

November 7 - 9 2014

Friday after work I drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. My SIL made awesome chili! We hung out and talked and caught up with each other and watched a few episodes of Diners Drive Ins and Dives on Netflix. 

Saturday morning I was up early and I went for a 4 mile run. It was 34 degrees, pretty cold! However, by the time I finished my run I was my usual hot mess! My nephew was up when I got back and he was finishing his breakfast.

My SIL and I decided to make a trip to Belks so I could try and find a top for my big girls night that evening. I had packed 2 options but I've worn both several times now and Saturday night was super special! I found just what I was looking for and I found 2 adorable outfits for my nephew!

B and J took me to Olive Garden for lunch, so yummy and one of my favorites! Of course I had the soup, salad and bread sticks!

I left their house at 2:30 and headed to the hotel in Greensboro to meet up with my girls. Back in July I bought tickets for the Casting Crowns, Mandisa and Sidewalk Prophets concert. I originally started looking at Mandisa concerts last spring but by the time I had the idea she was wrapping up her current tour. So when I found out that she would be traveling with Casting Crowns it worked out great for us to go! I talked to Amy about inviting my friend Tiffany and her little girl and the plan was set.

They were actually very excited! They were in a Nickelodeon coma at this point and we were getting ready to head to the concert.

Amy and her girl

Tiffany and her girl

Sweet Girl!

I took this picture when we first got there. Our seats were on the floor in the middle and they were great seats!

Right around the time that all the planning was coming together the Dollar store had the glow sticks for the 4th of July. I stocked up on necklaces and bracelets and they have been in my closet since July.

Glow stick fun

The glow sticks were a great distraction since the concert was a little late starting due to traffic issues

She had so much fun with her necklaces and bracelets!

First up was Sidewalk Prophets and they did an awesome job! 

They did an acoustic song were they all gathered around the mic it's kind of hard to see them in the picture but that's what is going on. 

Intermission and waiting for Mandisa to come on stage.

Mandisa kicked off her set with her good morning song. This is a favorite for both the girls and they were super excited!

This was during the song, she was mesmerized by Mandisa.

It was such an awesome night! I am so thankful that we had this opportunity! We stayed at the Drury Inn and Suites that was less than 2 miles to the coliseum so it worked out great! There was an indoor pool and complimentary evening snacks and breakfast. The girls got to go swimming this morning after breakfast much to their delight! I think the water was actually pretty chilly so they only stayed down there about 30 minutes.

I had anticipated this for so long and I'm so glad that it all worked out so well!

I got home to a very excited Jack Banner. He was so happy to see me! I did get to the gym this evening and did some weights and the elliptical. I'm trying to make sure that I keep up the working out simply because I like not constantly having to worry if my clothes are going to fit correctly.

5 Minutes

Amy said that Audra has not stopped talking about her party. I would say that it was all a success!

It was so much fun putting all that together!

Saturday morning I woke up early and got myself ready, got Audra ready, vacuumed and then Amy arrived just after 9 and we headed to the party room.

Amy had the white table cloths, we got those on the tables and I started decorating the tables while she set up the face painting stuff and craft table.

My MIL arrived with the food and we got that stored.

Daron arrived with the balloons and helped cut sandwiches.

Our guests started arriving.

They had their faces painted, did crafts, lots of pictures were being snapped, and then it was lunch time.

It pretty much poured rain the entire time, but we were warm and dry inside!

After lunch we did the birthday cake, and then the pinata and then the girls just played while I started putting things away.

My mom said that everyone had such a good time, they didn't even want to leave. I could not have asked for things to have gone any smoother than they did.

I was SO TIRED!

We went back to our house for Audra to open presents. Her favorite, the Barbie Muskateers movie from Uncle Brian and Aunt Jenny. She watched it no less than 6 times between Saturday and Sunday and she acted out parts of it.

Sunday morning we had church. I tried for a long run Sunday but the stomach bug from earlier in the week was not entirely out of my system so I only got 4 miles in.

Monday I made it to chair fit, but my stamina is still not quite where I'm used to.

Tuesday night I made it to my meeting.

Last night I cleaned for my parents and then came home and cleaned our bathroom.

Tonight my goal is to get a run in with Jack, I just didn't have the energy on Tuesday.

I am ready for a nap, and it's only 7:45 am... The good news is tomorrow is Friday!

5 Minutes

Friday I left work an hour early and went to pick Audra up. Friday evening was low key and easy.

Saturday morning she and I left our house and drove to pick Lisa up.

We made our way up the mountain, only to find out on our way into Boone that it was the day of the Christmas parade. Fortunately I knew the way around and it gave me an excuse to drive through a part of campus.

We arrived and figured out where to park. The usual lot where I park was not accessible thanks to the parade. We stopped by the bridal store but Donna was already gone. So we found her at the antiques store behind her store.

After browsing through a few antiques and saying goodbye to Donna we decided to grab lunch.

Black Cats is a little Mexican type hole in the wall that has been around since I was in school there. I enjoy it and we all enjoyed a delicious lunch.

We wandered in and out of a few stores on King Street. We walked over to the App bookstore and I purchased an ornament for the Christmas tree. Audra was less than impressed but I told her maybe someday she will go to school and walk the campus. I can dream!

We headed back down the mountain and dropped Lisa off and drove home.

Sunday morning I woke up and it felt like my throat was on fire. I still made it to church but I didn't get a run in. I rested, and was super lazy!

Monday night I did abs and booty, it's Wednesday and my abs are so sore!!! Last night I ran with Jack and went to my meeting. I don't talk about it as much but I still am so very very thankful for my Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting!!!

Tonight I'm going to shake and tone. I bought unlimited classes for the month of December and I plan to fully take advantage of this wonderful thing!

Tomorrow night I have the ladies night at church, Friday night I'm hoping to take Audra to a play at her school. Saturday will likely have something going on and then Sunday. You know, the usual.

Happy hump day!!!

Life in our house

This weekend Audra informed us that she wants to be on TV. She talked about being on stage for her ballet recital. She talked about her love for dance.

She still talks about ballet like she went to class yesterday, and it's been since May that she's had class.

Instead of ballet classes I bought her bed, and I'm paying for school, and if I could I would pay for ballet but this year it's just not happening. It makes me sad, because I love watching her as much as she loves dancing.

Sunday morning I curled her hair for church. I put her in a chair in front of my standing mirror and let her watch. She has a habit of making faces in mirrors, or in general, and I told her she needed to start practicing making pretty faces. I told her if she was going to be on TV she needs to practice. She said she changed her mind and she doesn't want to be on TV then.

I've thought a lot recently about G. I think because of the fact that Audra is the same age now as G was when I was a part of her life. I used to let G help me bake, on a regular basis. I don't offer the same for Audra. Audra doesn't have the concentration or patience and I don't bake as much as I did when I was with CF.

I spend significantly more time with Audra one on one than I did with G. I believe the reason is because of the relationship that I have with Amy. We are very different but we appreciate each other, and I think that's why it works for us.

Last night I was going through pictures and saw that D had uploaded several years of I Phone pictures. Baby pictures of Audra up to this year. He had to unload them from his phone because he was running out of space. I browsed the pictures and fortunately he does have documentation of Audra between 2-3 years old. I may snag a few and upload the pictures. I felt a lot of emotion going through the pictures because of where I was, and what life was like.

There was a picture that was from the night that I think of as when all he11 broke loose in our house. I thought about it and this morning I made sure I went and deleted it and deleted it from the recycle bin. I just don't want any pictures of that night. I'm also always struck by how much Audra has changed, as well as my nieces. Sometimes it's hard to know how fast they grow up. I looked at the little faces in nursery Sunday and realized how quickly they are changing. I've been volunteering for a year now, so even in that year I've watched some of them grow.

Currently in our house there is disagreement over the setting of the heat. When I lived in my condo I kept the heat pretty low and just wore clothes. My husband wants to wear shorts, and turn the heat up. The Christmas pictures that I posted on FB he's in jeans and a sweater, Audra is in long sleeves a dress and leggings and I'm in shorts and a tank top because our house was like a flipping sauna.

I put the electric blanket underneath the fitted sheet on D's side so that he can have heat, and yet he still thought we would leave the heat on the same setting. I stood my ground. His blanket heat travels, which is bad enough, add to that having the heat set near 80 and it's ridiculous. Last night I put my foot down, and lowered the heat. I bumped it back up this morning when I woke up so he wouldn't wake up to a cold house. My philosophy is you can put clothes on if you are cold!

I went to Abs & Booty class last night. You know it was a good workout when you put your first step on the stair at work and you realize you are a little sore. Then later on in the morning I sneezed and my abs hurt. Not a pain that is unreasonable just enough to know that I did something!

Happy Tuesday!

Kicking it

Yesterday at lunch I took back the running shoes I bought last week. I tried them on a treadmill, I tried them outside. Both times they hurt, and not in an I'm running and ugh I hate running kind of way but in a these shoes are not right kind of way. I've been running long enough to know that these were just not going to work out.

Fortunately I was able to return them with no hassle, I think it helped I had the receipt and I had just purchased them last week. I then went and tried on several pairs until I found a pair that I think will work. We will see, I may get a run in tonight after I clean the office I don't know yet.

Last night I went to one of my favorite classes, chair fit. She kicks butt in this class, literally. I am sore today, in that good, wow I worked really hard, kind of way. We start off warming up, move to arms, move to abs, move to arms and legs, and we work everything.

Tonight I clean the office. If I'm not too wiped out I will go to the gym. The resolutioners are usually out by 7:30 so this time of year that's when I go. Nothing against them, I think it's awesome that people want to get healthy for the new year. I also realize that most will fall off the wagon, but there are those who stay with it and make it a lifestyle.

Currently I'm at my desk thinking, oh my gosh my legs and arms hurt, it's going to be a fun day I can tell...

5 Minutes

Friday as I drove to pick up Audra I listened to bits and pieces of news updates. My heart hurt.

I picked her up and we talked about our weekend and what was coming. We talked about her day at school. I told her I love her, many times over.

Friday night we decorated Christmas cookies. 2 batches turned out beautifully. The batch where she and her Dad decided to use pastel mini marshmallows and peanuts with chocolate syrup to get them to stick, well if they didn't have chocolate they would have made great treats for Jack.

I decided that Friday night will be our only cookie decorating event for this year. I will be using the leftover M&M's and peanut butter chips to make brownies for our neighbors to share the holiday cheer.

Saturday morning I took Audra to ballet. I will say again how thankful I am for the other sweet mom's who have daughters in her class. It makes the 45 minutes fly by!

After ballet I packed a bag, and packed Jack's bag. He went and stayed with the Granparents and after dropping him off I headed to Durham.

I SO needed the break and to get out of town!!! I arrived just after 2 and Margaret asked me what I wanted to do. She had 2 friends whose wine shops were having tastings and I thought that sounded like fun so we went.

After the wine tastings we went by the store where she sometimes works, so many pretty things!!!

After the store we went for a glass of Sangria, it was yummy!!! After Sangria I got my sushi fix! There is a sushi place in Durham that has buy one get one free rolls. We ordered and indulged! It was so delicious!!! Daron has offered to buy groupons for sushi places that have come out and I've always told him no. I am a very expensive sushi date! It works much better if I go with a friend and it's just me!

After dinner we went to a party that was a combined birthday/engagement celebration. I enjoyed talking to Margaret's friends, and  really had a great time! By the time we got back to the house it was after 10 and I was definitely turning into a pumpkin. I had been up at 5:30 that morning to make sure to fit a run in for the day and that was catching up with me!

Sunday I said goodbye and drove back to my parent's to pick up Jack. He was exhausted from all the fun he had!

I took Audra back to her mom and fit a trip in to the gym.

While life goes on, and I understand how blessed I am, I have said many prayers this weekend.

over but it's OK, or not

Yesterday I had an "up" day or regular day for eating. I didn't go too crazy but I did catch up on all the desserts that I missed out on Monday. This may have defeated the whole purpose of Monday but I'm not going to stress over this. I already feel like I can tell something of a difference.

Monday night I did my chair fit class, she kicked my rear for another week. Yesterday evening I did an old school VHS abs video, the moves are still tough and while it wasn't a cardio workout it was something! Jack could not figure out why I was on the floor yet did not want to be licked or stepped on.

Today is a down day. I've already gone over by 112 but since I have to clean the office and I plan to go to the gym afterwards I'm not beating myself up about this.

I am supposed to be doing a time study tracking worksheet today. I just leave it up and as I do things I add them. It's such a drag to have to record everything!

Tomorrow I'm trying to figure out if I can fit a 6:30-7:30 zumba class in along with christmas shopping and making cookie dough.

Happy Hump Day!!!

5 Minutes

I picked Audra up from her mom's on Friday. We had a dance party Friday night. I uploaded videos to FB but trying to upload them to here was painful. It was taking so long I just didn't have the patience.

Saturday morning I took Audra to ballet. Then we went home and I squeezed in a quick walk with Jack. We had pictures scheduled at 1:15. We took Audra to her favorite, Chick Fil A, before we had to be at the appointment.

Our picture turned out beautifully. Daron purchased a deal of 1 picture each month for $20. For December we decided to do a family shot. We are both super excited at how well it turned out! We purchased 4 more 5X7 pictures for our families.

Saturday after pictures we hung out for a little while longer and then Daron took Audra home while I fixed a batch of scotcharoos and disappearing brownies. I discovered the brownie recipe a while back, and it's so delicious! Preheat the oven to 350 and grease a 13x9 glass baking dish. Then melt a cup of butterscotch chips and 1/2 a cup of butter in the microwave. I stir at 30 second intervals until melted. In a separate bowl mix a cup of brown sugar, tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp salt, tsp vanilla, 2 eggs and then add butterscotch and butter. Then add a bag of chocolate chips, 3/4 cup peanuts (optional), 2 cups mini marshmallows, and put in the microwave for 30 seconds, then add 1 1/2 cup of flour. Pour batter into the 13x9 dish and bake for 22 minutes. You have to leave this alone and let cool and set and then it's ready to go and it's gooey and delicious!

Daron put soup on before he left to take Audra back so we had soup and relaxed on Saturday night.

Sunday I took Jack for a run and then we went to church. After church we got out to the garage, aka storage building, and organized and purged and moved Audra's big doll house out there. We were so excited to have that done!

The rest of Sunday was a low key easy day!

I did start the up day down day/alternate day/intermittent diet on Saturday. Even baking, I was good. I found a calculator online that let me know how many calories for my down days and up days so I was able to enjoy the soup on Saturday and stay within the allotted calorie range. Yesterday I was actually able to enjoy a brownie. The hard part will be today sitting at my desk all day for a down day. I can do it, I know I can!

Happy Monday! Back to work for me!

Finally Friday

This week has been one of those retrospective weeks. I think because I am in a state of remembering. I keep thinking of Grandmommy and keep seeing women who remind me of her. My mom is going through the same thing right now. Pretty much I can tear up at the most inopportune moments.

I worked out after cleaning the office on Wednesday. Elliptical and strength training for my arms. I ran 3 miles last night.

We're putting Audra's big doll house from last Christmas in storage. I put all the furniture and accessories from inside the house into boxes, along with the Barbies and found a place to store these boxes.

Christmas gifts are quickly being checked off the list. We are now down to just a few to buy for and I'm thankful!

This weekend I will be making scotcharoos to go in boxes for Daron's clients for Christmas. I can't forget to do this, and I have to allow time for them to set up.

I read on Jess's blog about the intermittent diet, I found most information under the alternate day diet and I plan to start this tomorrow. I thought about starting it today but I realized that I would have an easier time doing the low calorie day on a Saturday rather then a Friday when I'm at my desk. I'm contemplating buying the book but it's $10 and I'm cheap and I think I can figure it out based off what I found online.

I emailed Daron a link and told him I'm going to try this. This means he gets every other day off from cooking for me. He'll still have to cook for him, and I'm hoping that this gives me a good jump start to finally start losing some weight.

I pick up Audra tonight and tomorrow after ballet we are going to get pictures made. I'm planning outfits in my head. Currently I'm thinking we're all going to wear jeans and black long sleeve shirts. Easy, and will photograph well!

Happy Friday to all!!!

chair fit, house wishes, presents

I've managed to stay fairly consistent with my working out. I ran 4 miles with Jack on Sunday. Last night I went to a chair fit class. Oh my gosh it kicked my rear!

The name sounds easy enough, but what a workout!!! Using a chair to sit, lean, anchor, etc. every part of your body is worked. While it was not a cardio class it was definitely a workout!

I've been searching homes in Huntersville. I wish that we could move closer to Audra. It's not that we are that far away now but 25 minutes is an hour round trip. Once she starts kindergarten we would like to be able to work out a one week on one week off schedule. The way this would work best is if we live closer to Amy.

There is time and I see no way to sell my condo anytime in the near future. The house market is recovering but not that fast. I'm just wishful thinking. I would LOVE for Audra to have her own room. Currently her room is the front room. You walk in the front door and you are in her room.

D talked about putting a wall up and I think he would still like to do this. The catch is, it's not our house. We pay rent to his parent's, it's his grandparent's house, the house his mom grew up in.

I don't think about all these facts often. I can't change anything right now so I have to accept and appreciate where we are and what we have. I just wish that we could get Audra into her own bed.

Daron and I did a little online Christmas shopping last night. We've knocked out both our mom's, my brother and SIL, our niece, and his Grandmother. That leaves our other niece, his sister, both Dad's and the rest of Audra's Christmas.

I was given more of a budget this year to spend on each person. It's been awesome! I tried to buy something pretty and sparkly for me, but it wasn't "in the budget" so I had to take it back. I could have very easily hidden it, and snuck it into the house but I didn't. I'm trying to do better, somewhat...

I'm so ready for a nap, unfortunately that's frowned upon at work!

5 minutes

Friday I picked up Audra. We talked about the movie she was going to watch, Brave, and how that wasn't what she wanted to watch because she wanted to watch Busytown.

Girlfriend is obsessed with Busytown right now. Which is fine, as long as I have my Kindle.

I had time to go to the gym before dinner. I did strength training for my arms but my cardio was lacking. I don't know if they had someone tight up the elliptical machines or just this particular machine but the resistance was super high and I kept having to stop because it was that hard!

Saturday morning I was up early to take Jack for a walk. It was COLD! We walked and then I got ready, and got Audra up. It's a process to wake her up. I know that I have to give her a few minutes, and then I am able to talk to her about breakfast or bath first, what the plans are, and what we are going to do.

I love the moms who have little girls in her Saturday morning class. We sit and talk to each other while watching the class on the TV. It's a fast 45 minutes!

After ballet we decided to do a little Christmas shopping. Daron's Mom and Grandmother and my Mom's gifts are now purchased. We took Audra to her favorite place for lunch, Cracker Barrel. For a kid who doesn't eat much it's always impressive to watch her put away the double serving of dumplings that we order for her from the kids menu.

Saturday at 7 I had nursery.

Sunday morning I was NOT feeling a run, not at all. I really just wanted to sleep. Daron has not wanted to go to the 5 Saturday service the past few weeks because he feels to pushed for time. So we have chosen to go to the 11 Sunday service. Which is fine, but it means I have to wake up early enough to get my run in, get myself ready, and then get Audra up and ready. All he has to do is just get himself ready.

Since I'm not training for any races right now I am not saying anything. I make it work.

After church I took Jack down to my parent's house. Mom and I went through all my stuffed animals and baby dolls and the clothes and accessories. My mom still had my cabbage patch doll, with the birth certificate, and my corn silk doll, with the birth certificate. My dolls are in great condition!

We pulled down the baby cradle that my Grandaddy made for me. Mom is going to clean all this stuff up and this will be Audra's Christmas from my parent's.

I had to be home in order to pick Audra up to have her back at her Mom's at 5.

On my way home I stopped at the grocery store. I decided I was going to try my hand at making lasagna. I've never even attempted this before but I had read a few easy recipes and figured that I might be able to do this.

I would add a little more sauce, but that's about the only thing I would change. I was very pleased with my results and Daron was absolutely thrilled to not have to cook!

It's Monday, and I have a few emails to get through!

Thoughts for Thursday

I realized once again last night that I always appreciate when I force myself to the gym, and I will regret it if I don't go.

Yesterday I had to clean the office after work. It's not difficult, I have the routine down. Sometimes it takes a little longer. Last week it was traffic that caused my delay. Yesterday evening it was the 3 big boxes that had to be carried down to the dumpster.

I got home and D had dinner fixed and ready to go. I ate a bite and then despite being so tired I sucked it up and went on to the gym. I did 4.5 miles on the elliptical. By the 4th mile I was ready to hit 400 calories burned so I kept going, and ended up burning 400 calories (give or take depending on how accurate the machine is) and doing 4.5 miles.

I know that my husband gets a little frustrated with the fact that I'm so often in and out but he also realizes that when I don't work out I get very very moody. This 20lbs that I would like to lose makes me feel twitchy.

I was available to talk when I got home, and then I was available after I got home from the gym. He decided he wanted to tell me about his day as I was trying to go to sleep. I'm sorry I do not feel guilty, I know that you had the chance to tell me all these things at other times, it's not my fault you didn't think of it until I was on my way to dreamland.

I bought my lottery ticket yesterday. Daron gave me the $$. I don't buy lottery tickets because I think it's pointless. I did think about what I would do if I did win the money though.

Since I didn't win any money, I will remain happy that I am gainfully employed and able to be self sufficient!

worth a try

I had a new experience last night. I tried a pole dancing class…

I've seen girls on a pole before and I realized without ever attempting this on my own that it would require a lot of ab strength. It also requires a lot of leg strength, oh and overall body strength.

It also requires not a lot of inhibition. Even during my partying days I was least likely to dance on a bar or insert crazy drunk girl action here.

I liked the instructor for the class. She was very encouraging and did an awesome job. I learned different spins, none of which I did very well. I learned a few floor moves, that was easy.

I think that even if I had the body I would still never be able to lose the inhibitions, which I accept.

As far as a workout, even though I admit my legs hurt today, it wasn't much of a workout for me. I went, I participated, I probably won't go again. I just would rather take classes that burn more calories and leave me feeling like I did something towards my goal of losing weight.

thought form

Last night I did my abs and booty blast class. My supporting leg kept cramping, both sides but it was always the supporting leg not doing the actual work, that's weird to me!

Tonight I'm supposed to go to the pole class, I may be a little bit nervous about this.

I went to Belks on my lunch to return the 2 dresses that Audra would have worn in the pageant. The deadline to enter was this past Friday and I have concerns about her actually participating with everything that has been going on lately. There are other similar pageants coming up and I felt like it was in her best interest to not participate in the one this Saturday.

I am so sleepy. It's overcast here today and all I want to do is put my head on my desk and take a nap!

My manager is changing up the way PTO is handled. You would think the world is ending with the fuss being made about this. My opinion is get over it! We have employment, that's what really matters. I've accepted that I might not get all my days next year and I'm OK with it, I would rather have my job thank you very much!

I think Daron is having second thoughts about a pink tree. It doesn't go with anything in the living room. I told him we bought it to go in Audra's room and he was the one who said it could just stay in the living room. I have a feeling it will be moved to Audra's room and his tree will go up.

I purchased a few gifts after returning the dresses. They are having a huge sale on jewelry right now, it took willpower, I'm telling you!

5 Minutes

Wednesday we had to work the full day, no letting out early for us.

I drove to the office that I clean, traffic was crazy heavy!

I was supposed to pick Audra up but her mom texted and asked if we just wanted her to bring her over on Thursday morning. We agreed that this would be the best plan.

I got home Wednesday night and Daron had dinner waiting for me and quite a bit of his food for Thursday prepped.

Thursday morning I woke up early and took Jack for a 4 mile run.

After the run and my shower I helped Daron in the kitchen. I did a lot of dishes.

Amy brought Audra at 11:30.

We left for Daron's parent's at 12:30.

Thanksgiving meal was at 1, it was a LOT of food. Daron made a pasta that had pumpkin and sausage that was amazing. He also made a green bean casserole, a veg-all casserole, and turkey tenderloins that were delicious! In addition to his food we had broccoli casserole, turkey, ham, corn, and potato salad. I'm probably missing some food but there was a lot!

Friday morning I was up early so that I could get to the gym before Daron woke up. He had to work and I had plans to take Audra and Jack to hang out with my mom.

Audra didn't wake up until 9:30. We took brownies by the clinic where I take Jack, and then drove on to my parents.

We decorated the Christmas tree and enjoyed hanging out together!

Friday night was low key and Saturday morning I was able to sleep in a little. I went to my Turkey burn zumba class, that was fun! An hour and a half of movement, hopefully I burned a few calories!

Saturday we took Audra to pick out the ornaments and bought the pink tree. We put that up on Saturday night.

Yesterday morning I was up early and took Jack for a 5 mile run. It was COLD!!!!

We went to the 11 service, followed by lunch and then we took Audra home.

My consistency is back. I was determined not to let the week that I was sick undermine my progress of the previous 3 weeks.

Tonight I have my abs and booty blast class.

I'm back at work, and back to my regular schedule, those few days off were so nice!!!

Happy Monday!!!

It's almost turkey time

The day before Thanksgiving. It's really almost here. I have mixed feelings since I won't be with my family for the 2nd year in a row.

I had to stop during my drive home last night. I've never had to stop before but I absolutely could not wait the rest of the drive and pulling off and squatting on the side of 485 was certainly not an option for me.

Because of that stop I chose to not go to the gym. I probably should have but I was also coughing a lot and figured I may have needed to just rest.

Tonight I clean the office. My plan is to be up early tomorrow morning to run and get ready. Then on Friday morning I'm hoping I can get to the gym and get my workout in before D has to get up for work. Then when Audra wakes up we'll get our stuff together and head to my mom's.

Since Saturday is a free day I'm thinking of doing a turkey burn zumba class. If that doesn't work I will definitely go to the gym!

Sunday I'm planning for a run.

So even though I didn't work out last night and I won't work out tonight I still feel like I'm doing a good job of getting back to the routine!

I'm so thankful for all the blessings that I have!!! I'm so thankful that I have 2 days off!!!!

Consistency is coming back

Sunday I made it out for a run with Jack. Despite bronchitis, the official diagnosis, I didn't struggle. My pace was slower, but I ran up a huge hill and had to stop a few times for Jack.

Last night I finally made it to my first class at Sassy Girl. Mr. Clean gave me a groupon for 10 classes. I signed up for 2 classes last week but Monday night I couldn't find the building, and didn't feel good and Tuesday night I was sick.

Abs and Booty blast, kicked my booty. My abs, oh they're sad. Several years ago I did pilates, and my stomach muscles were really strong. These days, not so much. I've been coughing for over a week now so that has something to do with my stomach muscles already being sore but last night I realized just how not strong my core is.

Tonight I'm not sure if I will be able to get a workout in or not. I'd like to since tomorrow night I pick up Girl Clean after I clean the office. Thursday morning I know for a fact I'll be getting out to run!

The medicine prescribed by the doctor is cough syrup, cough pearls, and ster0ids. The cough syrup worked and last night I coughed but not anything like the previous nights! I'm ready for this stuff to work its way on out of my system!!

pageants, classes, new experiences

Yesterday afternoon I left the office to go clean the office. I've reached the point where I have a good routine flow. I know what I have to do and I go and get it done.

Mr. Clean had dinner waiting when I got home which was so nice.

I made it to the gym at 8. I did 2 rounds of strength training. My arms are fine today. My legs, I did lunges and squats, OUCH. Not as ouch as earlier this week from Saturday's workout but I do have to make sure I keep standing up and stretching.

I emailed for more information on the December 1 holiday pageant and I received a lovely response answering all my questions. I went over the details with Mr. Clean and it looks like we're on a go for this event.

I am so excited. I already purchased a super cute dress that I think will be gorgeous on Girl Clean and it was on clearance. This pageant is called a "natural" pageant. This means no big hair, fake teeth, fake tans, excessive makeup, or big dresses. The dress I purchased is a party type dress which I think will work perfectly. I also have to come up with a holiday themed outfit...

I've forwarded all the information to Girl Clean's mom to keep her in the loop.

Mr. Clean purchased a Groupon for 10 fitness classes. I had emailed him the link and told him to watch out for a similar offer around Valentines because we've already purchased the beach trip as our Christmas gift to each other. He purchased the Groupon as a "just because I love you" gift.

I've already signed up for 2 classes. Beginner Pole (yes for real and I am so excited!!!) and Booty Shake. I'm looking forward to something a little bit different and fun. They also offer a chair dancing class, kickboxing and pilates that I hope to sign up for. The calendar is only going 1/2 way through November right now so I'm waiting for more classes on the schedule and then I will sign up for the rest of my classes.

Tonight I plan on a run and maybe my thin thighs video.

Happy Thursday!!