Work Conversation

1001 ways to dump a guy before you die has been suggested to me as the name of my book. My coworker who sits beside me suggested this title to me. His wife wants to break up with their real estate agent via text message, she got the idea from my story regarding breaking up with the guy over text message. This triggered a flood of memories of how I really have broken up with everyone. After college when I actually started dating it suddenly became more common for me to be the one breaking up with them then them breaking up with me, so please follow me as I reminisce for a moment…

BT (2001) I sent a letter the first time, it was a long letter explaining that his lack of committing to just date me was unfair considering how much time I was spending driving from Charlotte to Atlanta and I felt that it was time to end our relationship.
AP (2002) I went in person, I think. I can't remember how that one went down but it was pretty ugly. He called me flat chested and said some other really rude things to me but he said these things via email after I broke up with him.
MN (2003) I think this one was in person, I just couldn't deal with him anymore and it was time our relationship ran it's course. (He's now married to a girl who has my name and they have 2 boys. He googled me and called the office where I worked at the time, CREEPY!!)
BT (2004) I broke up with him in person, sobbing. To this day he's unaware the actual reason behind my breaking up with him. Although the reason I gave is also the truth, he was never ever going to make me a priority in his life.
CK (2005) we were not exclusive so this one was more just a walking away. I told him that I liked him a lot and if he wanted to still see other people then that was fine but I could no longer hang out with him, and he let me walk out the door.
M2 (2005) I walked out of the bar and finalized 2 weeks later with the email telling him that I was dead to him this was in response to the rambling incoherent drunk voice mail message that he left.
MD (2005-06) He told me he would text me to hang out but went home with the woman from the bar, then he begged for a second chance, then we broke up via email, then text, then email he is also known as the crazy cokehead. He's the reason my phone number changed.
DB (2006) I told him via text message that I had reconnected with an old boyfriend from college. (He's the one who got married 8/28 of this year that I talked about yesterday)
JL (2006) I told him that we were in different places, which was totally true and he had no idea what he was doing with his life.
CF (2007) The first time we broke up in March I think I did it over email. The next time I left in the middle of the night. I'd been moving my stuff out in shifts the entire week before, not really realizing I intended to break up with him as strange as that sounds. Then we had the big fight and I woke up at 4 AM and realized it was over and threw everything I could that was mine in my car and we were done. (He got married in November 2008)
JL (2007) I think email again with the statement that we were on different pages
DB (2007) Email I couldn't stand him and wanted to kill him better to not be in the same personal space vicinity.
JL (2008) Email mainly because there was always distance between us and it was the easiest way because he's really hard to understand on the phone.
KS (2008) In person and finalized by email.
JF (2008) In person mutual agreement no drama. (He's getting married 10/10/10)
JB (2009) Via FB IM because I was already talking to M3
M3 (2009) Via text message
SW (2010) Via email and he was mad I went the email route, I figured 8 months deserved an email rather than a text message. He was so non confrontational and passive aggressive that he revealed in his ugly response email to me that by the time I broke up with him he pretty much hated me so I did us both a favor by breaking up with him, he should have broken up with me at least (AT LEAST) 2 months before, maybe even 4.

There are others that have broken up with me and I will now go through that list.
RS (2002) He told me that he loved me to get me to break up with AP then a week or 2 later the night I took him out for his birthday he ended the night going home with the girl who he would marry a few months later. He said I love you but not like that. Yes I did date him again and yes I have realized that this may have been the most horrible/lacking common sense decision I have ever made.
M1 (2003) He quit calling and showed up at the restaurant where I worked with one of the bartenders there who he'd been sleeping with behind my back
CK (2006) Yes same as from 2005 we started hanging out again in October 2005 until March 2006 then he quit returning any calls or text messages
RS (2009) Technically I forced him to break up with me in that I knew it was over but I made him send me the email stating this fact. Otherwise he may have tried to come back into my life again and I needed him to close it out and finish it once and for all.

In writing this while in some ways it's funny in other ways it's made me realize how glad I am that I'm still single right now. I have been in this hamster wheel for so long. Trying to fit these guys into this mold of what I wanted them to be and what I wanted the relationship to be and it's always been wrong. They've not been right for me. There are more than just this list, guys I've gone out with a time or 2 but nothing serious. Those have either been situations where they don't call me back or I don't return their calls, texts or emails. It's just depended. As I've reached the end of this post I suddenly feel SO much better that I am where I am!!

1/2 way thru & 3 days til the 13.1

I realized yesterday morning that I have a LOT to get done before I'm off this Friday and then I will only be in the office 1 1/2 days next week because of a class that I'm taking. Therefore I'm on a bit of a blog break in order to get everything done!
I found out that my friend who I am staying with over the weekend has a friend who is running the 13.1 so I now have someone to ride down with, and she's the one driving. I'm thrilled!!! I was actually very nervous about trying to navigate and find parking the day of the race. My friend who I am staying with has also offered to pick up my race packet for me on Friday. I emailed her a copy of my drivers license and she's taking care of that for me so I don't have to stress about it on Friday. I'm SO thankful!!! So everything has come together beautifully for this weekend and I am beside myself with happiness!!!
It's a rainy day here in Charlotte and I'm thankful for that. We went so many weeks without rain that it's wonderful to see it again!! Tonight will be the only run I do this week before the 1/2. I walked Jack Banner last night. He had way too much energy from being cooped up and last night the weather was beyond gorgeous!!
I have the world's best chiropractor and I went last night to have him work on my neck. It had been way too many weeks since I was there and I could so tell. He and his wife just had a baby girl so I had fun on Tuesday night picking out the baby present. It is way too much fun to shop for baby girl clothes!! I got baby girl a beautiful pink and brown blanket that was unreal soft, a little fleecy jacket for the upcoming cool weather and then a little purple and brown outfit set that was ohhhhh so cute!!!! The doc said his wife was going to love everything and I really hope so because I had so much fun with it!!
Hope that everyone is doing well!!! Happy Wednesday!!

Versatile Blogger

Rule #1: Thank the person who gave you your award. THANK YOU Katy for this award!! I recently realized Katy had a blog when I saw a new post on her FB. So I headed over and loved her blog, she is at heart an interior designer with great style. Right now she works in cubicle world but I belive that she will be able to get back to where her heart is soon!! Her husband is a chef here in Charlotte and although I haven't yet visited I hear he's fabulous!! She and I worked together at Hallmark. Because Charlotte is such a small place we knew people who knew people and since she's naturally fabulous we became friends. As I have mentioned I love FB because it helps me reconnect with friends. It's hard to keep in touch with busy schedules and now I also get to keep track of Katy with her blog!!
Rule #2: Share seven things about yourself.

1. I love to read, but I don't read heavy literature I like fiction. My favorite authors are writers such as Karen Kingsbury, Norah Roberts, Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Lisa Kleypas to name a few.

2. I tried on all my jeans Saturday night trying to find a pair to go out in. This was a bad idea because nothing felt good after the half marathon I'm so buckling down and actually forcing myself into a better weight loss routine.

3. I can't sing, I can just not well. I don't have any kind of pitch. If other people are singing then I can blend but I am unable to start songs on my own.

4. I have a 17lb Dachshund Beagle Chihuahua mix his name is Jack Banner. He was given the name Jack by his foster parents with the shelter and then Banner came from the dog who I wanted to adopt in January 09 but it didn't work out and when I adopted Jack in February 09 every time I looked at him I thought about Banner so I determined that from there out he would be my Jack Banner

5. I watched Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2 yesterday afternoon and every time I looked at Bruiser, Elle's dog, I would think Jack resembled him. Jack tends to have a lot of Chihuahua personality although I've since learned that he also has a lot of Dachshund traits as well.

6. I used to have all of my Christmas shopping done by this time of year. Last year and this year it has not worked out that way.

7. When I moved into my place I had about 200 pairs of shoes including flip flops. I've purged my closet numerous times over of both clothes and shoes so I no longer know how many pairs of shoes I have.

Rule #3: Pass the award onto 7 bloggers whom you have recently discovered, and who you think are fantastic! I actually found several new blogs recently so this award will be going to:

A Little Bit of Life

Busy Bee

Knowing the Difference

Triple Threat

Single Revelations

The Hungry Termite

Southern in the City

Wolf's on Safari

Please go check out these great blogs. I love discovering new blogs!!

Thank you again Katy!!

Too easy

This past week was one that I was glad to see end. It ended on the note of seeing that BG or DB got married. I love face book, I do. I've been able to reconnect with friends and family. I am bad for going and looking up ex-boyfriends, the girlfriends or wives. I know I'm not the only person who does this as I've talked to my girlfriends and they do this type of stuff too. In this age of instant information it is sometimes just too easy to find things out. I never would have figured out that DB had a girlfriend if he had known how to properly use FB and then that resulted in the message to him that he's a total DB and please don't ever contact me again. The last time I heard from him was a text message on Easter. Well he got married to this girl on August 28. His profile didn't show it but her name change and picture did. This is the one who I can't stand, he would make me so insane because he was that awful. I truly tried to make it work, 1 because he would not leave me alone and 2 because he had the huge house and was successful and who doesn't want someone who has all that. I just couldn't deal with him and then I found out he was a slime ball and then I just found out he finally married that girl, who has a lot more patience than me. Best I can figure they had been together at least 2 years if not longer by the time she finally got him to the altar. I say all this because while he personally I find DB to be the world's biggest waste of space I also am struggling with the fact that he's not the only ex to be married. I also found out not too long ago another guy I dated (who is the smartest guy I've ever met hands down he designed the voice activated navigational system software) he got married, his FB doesn't show it but his sister in laws FB isn't set completely to private and there were pictures of the wedding. Yes I am that nosy and yes I understand that I have no business looking but if it's not set to private then I'm going to look, it's just how I am.
CF got married November 2008. Holy roller is getting married 10/10/10 his Dad sometimes visits my church and has told me the past few times he's seen me. He's excited and happy for his son and I smile and act excited and happy for him. Again I don't want to marry holy roller and I'm really glad that we broke up, but he's getting married. I texted my friend MG on Saturday regarding this matter. I told her that since they are all getting married maybe it's all me and I'm the one who is seriously flawed. Then I sent another text saying maybe it's more I just have dated the wrong guys. She texted back that perhaps it's a combination of both and she's right. She also said maybe I need to figure out what I need to do differently.
This summer I have spent time reflecting on my life. Figuring things out, and trying to learn to let go of this death grip I had on the idea of getting married and having a family. Because I have tried so hard for the past so many years instead of finding someone who was right for me I've dated ones who weren't but I tried to push and shove and make it work so I could have what I wanted. Yesterday sitting in church I was yet again reminded that if it never happens I have to be ok with it. I'm struggling with not being mad at God. This sounds ridiculous I know but I have times when I'm so mad. Why isn't my life the way that I thought it should have been? Why does everything feel so difficult right now? Why do I feel so hopeless and why do these thoughts keep creeping in that can be downright scary. Something good happens and then right behind it something like finding out that DB got married. PMS doesn't help and parts of this can be attributed to that.
Yesterday part of the message was about how God is love and without love everything else is empty. It hit me as I was sitting there that my life chapter is 1 Corinthians 13. I've always loved that chapter and I've done a lot of writing about it. Yet I'm not feeling so much love right now. Anger, bitterness, discontent, hopelessness, frustration, all of which I try to keep in check. I know that these things are not what I need to focus on. Yes these are the feelings and yes I could continually think about them and dwell on them but I know that this will only send me further on a downward spiral. Instead I do try and take my focus and put it elsewhere. The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. I'm reminded of this and I know this. Me allowing myself to be mad at the Heavenly Father who loves me is self defeating. What's so hard right now is that these thoughts are constant and there are times when redirecting them is so difficult. This morning I looked at the date it's been 4 years ago today since CF and I had our first date. I don't have that written down I just remember it. Just like I remember that he and I broke up on August 30 2007. Just like I remember that I broke up with S on June 30, 2010. I don't write it down I have an uncanny ability to remember this stuff and it's hard because I wish I could forget. In a way it's funny and in a way it's sad that I can tell you about the past 10 years all based on who I was dating. Marriage isn't the be all end all. I'm not unaware that I'm blessed to be on my own with no one to answer to. I know that my life is actually pretty fantastic. Based on this I don't always understand these feelings that I have when it comes to where my life is at right now. I should be happy and living it up and having fun. I guess this is all part of the learning process. I have to let go of my ideas of what I think should happen and where I think I should be and live the life that I have now to the fullest. These negative feelings that I describe are attacks designed to steal my joy and take my focus off the amazing blessings that I do have.

Weekend Recap

Friday night I worked at the restaurant it was smooth I didn't end up having to close which was nice. Saturday morning I was signed up to run the Hit the Brixx 10K. I picked up my number and t-shirt Thursday and was ready to go for Saturday. I set my alarm and woke up not early enough on Saturday morning. However I got dressed and headed out planning to park at 7th street station. I had no idea they were going to block the entrance of this and that left me trying to find parking in one of the lots uptown close to the race. However, I did not have cash. I dislike trying to park uptown, normally when we're going out I cab it so I don't have to deal with it. I couldn't figure out where to pay and then I was running out of time and getting so frustrated (partly to blame on PMS). I was worried about running into S who I felt was probably going to be running this one and after the week I had I was concerned that if I left the lot without paying I would return to a boot on my car and who needs that? So I pulled out and left. I went home and ran the 10K distance at an awesome pace, it was just less than a 10 minute mile I think, 58 minutes. So I probably should have tried harder for parking as I would have PR'd this one. Oh well next Sunday is my 1/2 marathon in Atlanta and I'm so excited. Today my friend who I'm staying with called me to finalize details. She also told me she has friends running it and she's going to introduce me. I am so so thankful as I was kind of concerned about figuring everything out on my own next Sunday.

After I ran I ran errands and met up with Miss K for lunch. Then I had to be at the restaurant at 4. It was a really good night, I took walk ins up until 6:30 and then was getting yelled at by my manager for triple seating someone, I double sat him, he's one of my strongest servers he then proceeded to tell me that if I couldn't handle it then I needed to let E take over. To which I didn't appreciate. However, I let it go and just kept doing my job that I know I am fully capable and exceptionally good at. Sure enough the tables I took early on left in time and I never went on a wait and I fully maximized my seating for the restaurant. By the end of the night my numbers were as perfect as they could be and my manager was happy. I've picked up on the fact that this particular manager is more high strung then any other manager I've worked with but I can deal with it, every other hostess has told me you just tune him out. I know that I'm phenomenally good at working Open Table and handling the front door. They hired me for the skills that I have and I showed myself last night that I have not lost my touch. I was so happy by the time I left!! I was supposed to meet up with the guy who I went on the Sushi date and Thai dates with last night. He had texted me that after a late night Friday he was feeling not so hot and wasn't going to be able to hang out. I texted back that I hoped he felt better and then texted Miss K that we were on for going out with her friend who we went out with on my birthday. I'm writing off the guy, I'm just not thrilled with the fact that he hasn't bothered to text me today. Although if he offers me dinner again I will probably take him up on it.

We went over to Miss K's friends place and cabbed it uptown to RiRa's there was a cover band playing and they were playing all kinds of stuff it was so much fun!!! We danced and laughed and hung out. I was so tired that I decided to cab it home around midnight. Of course I was struggling to stay awake at church this morning but I made it and was there. After church I came home and spent a very lazy day at home with Jack Banner. It's rainy and cool here today the perfect weather for hanging out watching movies!!

5QF

My Little Life hosts 5QF
Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then c'mon back (tomorrow morning) to link up!! Feel free to leave your answers in the comments below if you don't have a blog!

1. If you could speak with a different accent, what would it be (i.e Australian, Scottish)?
2. Can you fall asleep anywhere? (i.e floor, couch, deck)
3. Do you use public restrooms? If so, do you sit on the toilet?
4. If you were stuck in an elevator for 24 hours, what celebrity would you most want to be stuck with?
5. Where did you & your significant other go on your 1st date?

1. If you could speak with a different accent, what would it be (i.e Australian, Scottish)?
OK CF was married to the most horrible creature ever and to this day I can't hear an Australian accent without cringing and looking for the quickest escape so absolutely definitely not Australian. I love that I live in the South and while normally I don't have that much of an accent I'm very happy with my own.

2. Can you fall asleep anywhere? (i.e floor, couch, deck)
Actually yes, not all the time but if I'm really tired it's possible.

3. Do you use public restrooms? If so, do you sit on the toilet?
Yes and yes, I read that the seat isn't what you have to be worried about it's the handles and knobs and doors, ewwwww. Our restrooms at work provide seat covers.

4. If you were stuck in an elevator for 24 hours, what celebrity would you most want to be stuck with?
Sandra Bullock, I would LOVE to get the inside scoop on her life and 24 hours would give me lots of time to ask questions.

5. Where did you & your significant other go on your 1st date?
I don't have one right now but last week when I went out for sushi followed by the yummy dessert afterwards that was fun!! Another fun first date was the one at the white water center where we did a trail and then after that we had sushi. Yes usually if there is sushi involved at some point in the date it's a good one, unless it was the one time where the guy looked at me and said how are you going to pay for your 1/2. He wanted a good night kiss and I was like, Um NO! When he invites you out then he needs to pay the first time. After the first date then you can offer to pay for stuff but the first time he needs to pay.

Thursday

Yesterday afternoon I left work early for a dentist appointment to have 2 cavities filled. I had 1 cavity filled and found out I have to have a root canal. Having dated a dentist for 8 months I knew that when the dentist said, I think this may have gone to the root. The next statement was going to be you're going to need a root canal. I saw the inside of the tooth and I have to say that was cool. S used to show me pictures from online of different things to explain stories so I'm familiar with a lot more dental terminology then I ever thought I would be.
I took Jack Banner for a walk last night when I got home to clear my head, it helped I felt better afterwards and it helped the numbing stuff wear off.
This morning my friend MG let me know my yahoo account was hacked. So I gave her my password so she could go in and change it and I gave her my FB password so she could put a status up for me to let people know. It is a creepy feeling to get hacked.
Tonight I get to go to one of my very favorite Thai restaurants here in Charlotte. I haven't been in a few years so I'm excited that tonight I get to change that!!
I am glad that tomorrow is Friday!!! It has crossed my mind to take the day off and hide under the blankets until I have to work at the restuarant but I don't want to take the vacation day so I'm not, as tempting as it is!
Hope y'all have a wonderful evening!!

Ten on Thursday

I borrowed/stole this from Lisa :)

1. What’s the one thing you always do when you’re stressed?
I talk fast, I find that I forget things easily, I am easily irritated and I tend to not want to talk to anyone

2. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done for a friend?
It's not weird but it amuses me, I have a great sense of direction and I'm familiar with all of Charlotte except for uptown. My friend PYS will sometimes call me when she's out driving somewhere and needs to verify that she's going the correct way or to make sure that something is where she thinks it is.

3. What cleaning supply could you not live without?
Windex and paper towels

4. How long do you plan on living where you currently reside?
I have no idea, when I bought the place 5 years ago I figured I would be married by now, that hasn't happened :)

5. Do you usually vote straight party, a mixture, or not at all?
Confession time, the first time I voted was this past presidential election, I'm registered Independent

6. What’s something that you love to do, but seem to never make time for?
I love to visit my friends and with my work schedule it makes this difficult

7. What’s your favorite store to buy things for other people?
It depends on the person. Usually I can find whatever I need at Marshall's/TJ Maxx

8. What’s the weather like around you today?
It is so flipping hot here, you would never know that yesterday was the first day of fall!!

9. What’s the worst book you’ve ever bought and read?
I have no idea, I tend to buy the bag of books from used book stores and those can be hit or miss.

10. What’s the closest thing to you that is yellow?
Post Its :)

News Link

The funeral for the young woman who I have talked about this week was yesterday in her hometown. Here is a link for what has been found so far. There was no physical trauma, ie gun shot wound or stab wound. Her Dad has said that what has happened must unfold but that he hopes people won't judge too harshly. Notice that the comments have finally been disabled by the Observer for repeated site violations I am so glad they did this as those comments are awful!! I suppose it is human nature to judge. It is my personal belief that we are all human, that we all make mistakes, that NO ONE is perfect, ever! I think back to when I was 23 and what I was doing and all the stuff I never told my parents because they would have been a variety of reactions none of them good. It took 2 years before I told my mom that I lived with CF.
As this story has unfolded the one thing I noticed most was that the suspect looked "normal". Yes he's a drug addict, yes he's got a mile long record of convictions, no he's not a desirable dating candidate, but as facts are being uncovered the story seems to be turning into one of choices made that resulted in a devastating outcome.

Self Instrospection

Capturing thoughts, self doubt, self dislike. I read a book by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the Mind. In it she talks about how our minds and our thoughts are the way that the enemy attacks us most. I read it almost 2 years ago now and I probably should go back and reread it. This week I've talked quite a bit about the death of a 23 year old woman. I don't know if that's what has triggered so much anxiety in me or if it is simply a combination of factors. My roommate is moving out and will not be staying through October as I had hoped. I was told Sunday I lack focus, and the resulting spiral of thoughts from that. My mom trying to go through expenses verse what I bring home with me on Sunday and the feeling of hopelessness that this has brought. Then the unending battle of my thoughts, that at times I can ignore and other times, like last night, that scream so loudly it brings tears. There is frustration of feeling like a hamster on a wheel regarding my unending fight with the numbers on the scale. Self worth shouldn't be found through the numbers on the scale or the numbers in my clothes and yet I look around and I feel enormous. I was sitting in my car and a flood of thoughts hit me, about the young woman who was out with her girlfriends and made a bad decision. About my life and the choices that I've made, then those thoughts turned to my past relationships and then the thought of no one you have ever dated has thought you were beautiful, cute maybe, sweet, yes, but of them all none have ever thought you really beautiful. The biggest flaw in that one is the fact that no one else can ever make you believe this about yourself anyways. Self confidence and understanding your self worth have to come from you. No one else will ever complete you, no one else will ever make you into something that you want to be, this has to come from you. The negativity that was in my thoughts last night was dark, very very dark. The viciousness of thoughts was almost overwhelming as I was sitting in my car I had to make it stop. I got out I went in, I did weights first. I tried to focus on form and not paying attention to the million things I could have listed that I was unhappy with. Then I ran and the first few minutes I did not want to run I wanted to quit. But I kept going. Then I started to increase my pace, and something that happens when you have those endorphins releasing is you start to focus on the next minute, the next mile, your thoughts are slowly moved from the negativity to the task at hand of running and breathing and allowing yourself to let go and move. I got home and cleaned the bathroom, because it needed to be done and there's just something for me about taking a shower in a just cleaned shower. These thoughts are not new, some days I'm great, I'm happy I'm content, I know that I'm blessed. Other days I still understand that I'm blessed, I just fight this overwhelming wave of negative thoughts. I had a boyfriend who was incredibly negative about himself and he would always put himself down. I went through and found scripture verses that all said that we are made in God's image and if that's the case then this negativity is a lie. I put these scriptures on notecards and gave them to him. I wish I would have kept that list of scriptures for me, and I need to go back and do this again, for me. It's easy to allow these thoughts to run away and have control, it is much more difficult to stop and force your thoughts to move in another direction.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Further thoughts on close to home

I'm still following this story in Charlotte where I shared the link yesterday. More details are unfolding. There is a picture of her family last night at the memorial service that was held. It breaks my heart, because I think of how devastating this all has to be. The comments underneath these stories, oh my word people hide behind computers and it's awful. I sometimes am appalled by the hater blog comments and it seems to be worse when people are commenting on news stories.
I would imagine at some point we will hear if they knew each other before that night. Her actions are being examined. The suspect in question has denied guilt saying that she was dead when he woke up and he freaked and hid her body. An autopsy will reveal what has happened. A thought that came to my mind is that all her secrets and all of her life is going to be picked apart. Maybe not as much since the media may respect the fact that she is the police chief's daughter, there are comments about this too. This young woman loved life, loved children. Charlotte is a city that has a party crowd. We have our fair share of drugs, for some people it's a way of life on the weekends. This is not exclusive to this city, in fact we're small potatoes compared to NY, DC, Chicago, Miami, LA, Vegas. It's as if these commenters are looking to place the blame on this young woman. Well she deserved it, or she brought it on herself because of her party girl ways.
I don't bother to leave a comment because it's pointless. Do women put themselves in these risky situations, yes they do. Was this young woman perfect, no but no one is. This young woman made a poor decision and it cost her her life. On any given night in Charlotte people go out, they have one too many drinks, they leave with someone, and they wake up the next day and think perhaps next time I need to be more careful.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night who lives 5 minutes from this bar. In fact 6 years ago he and I met at this bar. She was his nieces swim instructor, so not only did all of this happen within a very short radius of both our houses but he had even more of a personal connection to the story. We talked about how close to home it is for us. We talked about how it's so easy to take our safety for granted that we forget sometimes to be more cautious. I can tell this story really got to him just based on the way our conversation went. Because I know I can't change the past I typically try not to think about the craziness of my past, I'm fine now, nothing bad happened. But in my present if I'm honest I can still be just as careless and this is why this story affects me so much.

Close to Home

These are links to this story here and here. they went national this morning on ABC's Good Morning America to ask for help in finding him.

Driving in to work this morning I was thinking about this situation that is going on here in Charlotte. Last Tuesday night a young lady was out with her girlfriends. She went missing and they were searching for her. They found her, in a storage unit, less than 10 minutes away from my house. They have a warrant out for a man who surveillance video shows that she left with early Wednesday morning. I looked at this man's picture, he doesn't look scary. If his face wasn't attached to this story and he were to have come up to me and talked to me I would certainly have talked to him and had he been interesting I would have continued to talk to him. On the radio this morning they gave his last listed address, it's in the NoDa area of Charlotte, I had lunch there last Saturday at one of my favorite restaurants. The bar where this woman was hanging out with her friends, I was there last Saturday night.
Based on the stories this young woman was friendly, wonderful with children, well liked. She was pretty and young and had her whole life ahead of her. When I was 23 years old I frequently went to this bar to hang out with my friends. This story chills me, on a far deeper level then the sadness of a beautiful young woman who has been viciously murdered but on the level that I know in my heart of hearts this could have just has easily have happened to me. I have friends who are much more cautious then me and I've always respected them and how they are. I was thinking on my way in about my trip to Charleston where I escaped the jerk and found my own way home, what if he had really flipped a switch and I didn't come home again? I thought about the crazy match guy who I talked to a few times via email but before we ever even met out he became verbally abusive over emails and I quickly blocked him from contacting me. There was the crazy cokehead guy who I ran into last weekend, the first night we hung out we were out all night long, what if instead of it just being a fun night out we ran into some of the wrong people and I never made it back?
I had memories of times and places where I have been and I realized that I have taken my safety for granted. I do not live in fear, this could have easily happened in University area, Ballantyne or Uptown. I have always known that you have to be cautious. When you're 23 and out with your girlfriends and a cute guy is talking to you and you've had a few drinks, you don't think about "does this guy have a record?" At 23 I was reckless and perhaps that is why this story hits so close because I think back to all the stories of that time and I realize that I could have just as easily been that body that they found at the storage units.

Focus

This weekend has been full. Friday night I worked til close. Saturday night I worked til volume so it was around 9 something when I left. I was going to try for a long run yesterday morning. After working til 11 on Friday night I was still exhausted when I woke up on Saturday. I got 4.5 miles in and my knees hurt and I hurt and I stopped. I ran 12 last Saturday. I run a 10K this coming Saturday. I figure I will give my body a break. If I have to walk some during the 1/2 then I walk some. I'll run it and get it over with. Yesterday I also found out that my roommate will most likely be moving at the end of this month. Which that's her prerogative and she did offer to give me some money since it is short notice. I declined. I know that she's fallen in love with this place that she's found and if all goes well she'll move in the next week or 2. I'll miss her but if she's ready to go she's ready to go.

This morning I took Jack Banner for a walk. This was in the hope of wearing him out. I drove down to Gaffney, SC to meet up with MFT for a little lunch and shopping. Her birthday is the 28th of this month and I wanted to make a day for her. So we had Mexican for lunch and then walked around the outlet. It was so nice to have that girl time and she found some great deals. I drove home and Jack Banner was all wound up. So I called up my mom and she invited us over. She and I were talking about various things and she made the comment that since S and I broke up I seem to lack focus.

This rubbed me the wrong way. I told her I disagreed. I've done a lot of processing this summer. I've worked this summer. I've done fun things this summer. I have not lacked focus. I do not understand where that comment came from. I've felt that I've been doing really well and moving along with my life. I've been trying to live life and let go of things. I haven't been in church as often because there were a few Sunday's where I had to work or something had come up. Her comment was that I was avoiding church. I wasn't avoiding church I only have so much time and Sunday is my only free day out of 7 and the church I go to the service last for 2 hours and sometimes more it goes from 10-12, that's a long time. So now I'm trying to let this comment go. I don't lack focus and I don't understand what she meant and she couldn't really elaborate.

I am frustrated that I'm so upset over it. Perhaps because I've always jumped right into another relationship and kept pushing to find someone to marry me and because I haven't done that this time she thinks I'm not focused? But she knows that I've specifically taken a break from dating. I don't know like I said I have to let it go. I'm stressed at the short notice by the roommate, I'm not sure how this next month is going to work out, I have a huge test coming up in a few weeks and if I don't pass then I don't get reimbursed. My mom tried to go over my money with me tonight to figure out where it goes, this was just so incredibly depressing and I just had to end the conversation. She wants to know why I haven't paid anything down having the roommate and I pointed out that the roommate has only been here since July and in July I had to pay to have the air fixed and in August I had birthday stuff and then in September it's all gone to various bills. I haven't tithed in months and she got on my case about that and understand that when you don't tithe you're stealing from God because it's all His anyways but there's nothing there to give. It's a vicious cycle.

Not to end this one on an incredibly depressing note I'm going to come up with something positive. I had a wonderful time with one of my very dear friends today and she loved the pajama set that I gave her. I shared my post via email with PMG (she doesn't read the blog) and she loved it and appreciated it. I'm so proud of her not only has she earned her first car with MK she's just about got her 2nd one, she's just amazing!!! Jack Banner got in some wonderful quality time with the Grandparents. I only have 2 more weeks til my 13.1 in Atlanta and once that's over then I will figure out another way to work out so I can actually lose weight. I'm looking forward to staying with my friend while I'm there and catching up with her. I know that God is bigger and despite how I feel right now He really is in control and really does have a plan for my life.

Friendship

Hailey did a post today on her BFF, Heather travelled to Greece with one of hers and shared the amazing pictures!! So in the spirit of it's 3:30 on Friday and I have an hour left at work and I'm quickly approaching the fried brain stage I'm taking a blogging break.
I have 4 and they are from different stages of my life. But if you were to tell me that I could only have one person stand beside me on my wedding day that woman would be PMG. We met when I entered the church nursery. She was born in June I was born in August. I believe that we didn't achieve BFF status until we were around 9… I'm trying to remember. We have always been in each others lives and we've absolutely had our share of falling outs. The first one came when we were in 9th grade and had gone to different schools for the first time since Kindergarten. She went to public school for kindergarten but returned for first grade to our church school. She was naturally a people magnet and everyone's friend. A cheerleader, had a boyfriend, could sing. The school she went to was even smaller than mine and that's kind of hard to believe considering how small my school was. I got my feelings hurt because here she was and she was my friend but she had all these other people in her life and we never did anything together any longer. We had it out and made up. She was always my cheer leader, always the one who knew about fashion and makeup. She is the one who talked me into App, I didn't really know where I wanted to go and she knew that's where she wanted to go. I visited on a High School Model UN trip and fell in love with it. I was accepted, she was wait listed for spring semester. I thought we were going to be there together so it through me for a loop when she didn't come up until Spring semester. Then she lived on the other side of campus and as a self centered 18 year old that might as well have been the other side of the world. We didn't see each other much. I didn't love her less it's just she established her friendships and I established mine and we always seem to have attracted different personality types and while she and I get along fabulously we usually do have very different groups of friends.
I remember she was furious with me first semester sophomore year because I didn't make time for her at all and she called me out on it and we made up. She's the reason I got the job at the bridal store. I drove to Boone for her graduation and I remember sitting in the booth calling in to get her final grades because she had to make a certain grade in a certain class in order to be able to graduate on time even though she was already walking the next day. She made the grade, she graduated, she moved back to Charlotte. We would see each other infrequently but kept in touch through the various boyfriends and mostly through church. I signed up as a consultant for her with MK. I love MK and I credit her with the fact that when people meet me I usually get the jaw dropped reaction of there is no way you are 31. I love her because she's the closest I had to a sister and we fought like sisters and made up like sisters and if I knew that she really needed me to I would drop everything to be there as soon as I could. The biggest fight of all was about to happen though. I bought my house in 2005, I think for both of us we were in strange life places. In November 2005 when I got tangled up with crazy cokehead dude (this would be the November after the crazy alcoholic who I escaped from in Charleston in September) she had finally reached a point where she had just said God take my life I give up. I am so tired of searching to find this perfect guy and perfect job and I'm done it's all yours. Low and behold she goes in one afternoon to get a pedicure. 2 women come in and sit next to her and strike up conversation. One thing leads to another and they are calling the son of one of the women. A phone conversation ensues, then emails, then he flies her down to meet her. She lands a job in his city, and she moves. Meanwhile my life is in a downward spiral I was sick all the time, working all the time, still tangled with crazy cokehead and talking to the commitment phobe at the same time. My roommate (another BFF) was in a serious depression and my life was just a little bit crazy. I had to change my phone number because of crazy cokehead and she moved and I didn't know it and I didn't tell her I changed my phone number because I have to admit that back then I was slightly crazy myself. So when I get the I'm engaged email I was furious that she didn't call me to tell me. This coming from the girl who has broken up with more guys via email then by any other method, yes wrong I know. So I get the email telling me the date and to put it on my calendar and I'm livid and then I determine that I'm mad at her. Perhaps unbeknownst to me I was jealous. My life was not at all in a good place and here she was and had met the man of her dreams and I knew when I first saw him she would marry him and he had proposed and she had a huge rock and her life was coming up roses… Not a good moment in time for me at all. And in the way that only women can do we quit speaking which was dumb!
Well summertime goes by and wedding planning is in full swing. A time when I should have been all about helping my best friend with the joys of it all. I love wedding planning and this should have been so fantastic. Instead I'm vacillating between JL and DB(formerly referred to as BG). Labor Day weekend 2006 PMG and I sit down at the coffee shop at the shopping center close to my house and we have it out and we kiss and make up (figuratively literally we just hugged). The following day I booked it to David's Bridal and ordered my gown because despite not being MOH I would still be up there standing beside her because I couldn't not be, she was my sister and I would forever regret not standing up there with her. From there on out I was a much more supportive loving friend. I ordered boas for her bachelorette party, I was there. I was also dating CF&G by this point. She and her fiancé now husband, came over for dinner and hung out with us. We loved them I thought there would be many more such nights in our future. I remember the day I received her beautiful wedding invitation. I remember her wedding day like it was yesterday. I was in Belk Chapel for this past wedding that I went to and oh the memories it brought back, of my dear friend, in her beautiful gown, looking more stunning then I had ever seen her. The party afterwards. Since her wedding she has made a life for herself down in Florida and is fabulously successful. I know she is where she is meant to be and I know that she is blessed and I am so thankful that things have worked out the way that they have. She is still my friend who I call when I'm furious because the jerk I'm dating introduces me as his friend after dating me for 8 months. She is still my friend who I call when I feel like my world is coming down around me. She has met the many guys who have been in the revolving door of my love life. She is honest and I value her opinion. I could go on with more examples but as I started writing this post it flowed and I have to get back to work so I'm stopping now.
I think that a friendship that can withstand what ours has and makes us stronger for it, is a true friendship indeed. God knew what he was doing when he put us in each other's lives. In the movie Bride Wars I can't watch it without crying because those characters are so close to PMG and I. There is an ending quote about how sometimes your best friend is the one who has been there all along and every time I hear it I think about PMG.

Another Friday

Another Friday, as I sit here I'm thinking about how much fun this summer was. The week before 4th of July I ended my significant relationship. I fought the fight but it wasn't working and I finally cut him loose. That Sunday Miss K moved in. We had a girls night that Friday night, it was fun. We talked, we commiserated and we bonded. The following Saturday night we went out, we talked, we bonded. She was taking and leaving jobs as they came and hoping that eventually a full time position would come her way. I was thinking about what my next step would be after my restaurant that I part time hostessed at closed in the coming few weeks. We went out on Saturday night and what was supposed to be a low key night in turned a little crazy, it wasn't a bad thing.
I worked the entire following weekend thus ending July and also my time at the restaurant where I had been for what would have been 2 years this month. I started at another restaurant but never felt comfortable so I gave my notice and let them know I would be taking a break. I worked that following Sunday and then the following next weekend so that when I left there on my final Sunday I was glad to go and not look back. The week before my birthday I had a break I was able to do what I wanted to do and not have to worry about a second job. It was wonderful!!! The Friday night before my birthday I had plans to keep it low key and not go out, those plans went by the wayside. I went out, I met RT. He's trouble but oh so much fun!!! The following day I went to the vineyard with a group of people that included a guy that my sweet friend/coworkers was trying to set me up with. There was 0 mutual interest between us and that was fine I met a new friend. That Saturday night I went out for just a girls night and it was good, I learned about myself in a way that I didn't expect to but I took away valuable information from that night.
The following week I had another week off from working a restaurant job, I ran, I relaxed, I enjoyed having a break! That Saturday I went to my friend's wedding. Oh the fun I had. The cute groomsman who was wild but so fun to flirt with. I danced, I laughed and I had an amazing night!! Then I started my new restaurant job and it was great and just the right fit and I knew that this was where I was meant to be for my new hostessing gig. I trained, and I went out the next Saturday night. I met the guy who owned the gym, and never heard from him but it was a fun night and it worked out for the best.
I remembered this summer that I'm not as old as I've felt these past 3 years since breaking up with CF&G. By not immediately diving into another relationship, and by not trying to find another relationship I've been able to have fun and cut loose and not really think about it. I go out, I have fun, and because Charlotte is full of cute single guys I usually end up meeting someone. Some like RT and the cute groomsman are just looking for a fling and are fun to flirt with and keep it light and let it go. Others may not ever call after the night I meet them and that's ok, because I wasn't out to meet them anyways. Sometimes I might get a good dinner out of a follow up call. I don't go out with the purpose of meeting anyone, I go out with the purpose of having fun with whichever girlfriend I'm with.
I've been able to reconnect with friends who have been in my life for a very long time yet life gets in the way. There are moments when I feel a little freaked out at the course my life has taken, earlier this week I was reminded that I am not in control and worrying about what I have no control over is pointless. I've released the past entirely, closed all chapters. I'm moving forward. I don't know what the future holds, I hope that it brings a career step up, I hope that it brings another wonderful roommate. If I'm really honest I hope that it brings the right guy into my life. I'm happy where I am and I'm ready for whatever this autumn brings.

It's a good thing it's almost time for lunch!

I'm not feeling work. I'm glad it's Thursday!! Last night I had the treat of going to my FAVORITE sushi restaurant here in Charlotte. Nikkos is honestly the best sushi in Charlotte. Other places are good but Nikkos is exceptional!! The person I was with likes to share and this is my favorite way to have sushi!! First came the steamed dumplings. Next we had a roll that was called the dancing queen, it came out and had guacamole on top, totally not low cal or low fat but incredibly amazing!! Then we had the Poki Tuna stack which was terryaki/Hawaiian type glaze on sashimi tuna basically it was like nachos in a stack and it was incredible. Then we had a spicy tuna roll and the rainbow roll. Plus 2 wasabi nigiri pieces and 2 yellow tail nigiri pieces. Now I've made myself hungry again just thinking about it all.
I told my mom this menu and I think she about gagged reading my email. Her response to me was well that sounds very exotic… I laughed!!
Tonight I will go for a run, then just relax. I was out late last night and I'm kind of feeling it today as I try and focus on the work I have to do. Tomorrow night and Saturday night I'm working. I turned down the opportunity to work at the bridal store on Saturday during the day. I want to do another 12 mile run and I don't want to worry about time plus I don't like the idea of running, being on my feet and then being on my feet some more. It's just not appealing to me.
Miss K is back to normal and for that I'm thankful. I have no idea how long she plans to stay but I'm just not counting on rent and then if I get any it will be bonus for me.

*Sigh* It was just touching base

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments and words of encouragement!! Y'all are awesome!! We had our meeting. It was a touching base meeting. Last year when this individual visited it was bringing news of big changes and news that was not positive. Add to that a change in rates that made agents upset and the situation was not conducive to warm fuzzy feelings!
Today's meeting was to see how things are going one year later. A stopping in to say hi, and show that not every time he visits it will be bad news.
After my coworker left my desk yesterday the immediate scripture that came to mind was Philippians 4:6-7. I had that scripture the whole way home and the whole night. I called my parents and put them on notice that there was going to be a meeting and this was my scripture verse and would they pray and I would keep them posted. I went to the gym and ran and did weight training and let it go.
Driving in to work this morning I knew that God is always in control and that no matter what would happen later He would still be the same God and He would still be in control.
We had our first meeting and discussed strategy for our busiest month of January. Then I thought the meeting was right afterwards but there was actually an hour in between. So I came back to my desk, did my work and at 11 went into the meeting. Our boss came in to say that there wasn't really an agenda for this meeting it was just to talk to us.
Many of my coworkers were concerned. They've been in those seats before. They have been here many years and have seen many changes. Yet they are still here. They were still worried. As the meeting started an ease came through the room. The knowledge that this would not be a meeting of bad news made everyone relax.
Had the news been bad, I would have come back and written again about how I know that God is always in control and God always provides. Last year at my other full time job I had a situation where they demoted me and told me they would be cutting my pay significantly by $6,000 a year. That would be a large chunk gone out of my paycheck. I made it through the work day. I went home and I sobbed on the phone with my mom. What was I going to do I know that God always provides and I know that He's in control but this is the here and now and He's not sitting here telling me how it's going to be. I had to pull it together and go work at the restaurant. I went in to work the next day, and I tried to maintain my calm. I had a choice, I could continue to do the best job I could or I could make a bad situation worse with my attitude. The reason that this change was happening was because another woman had been hired who was supposedly so much better at my job and she required so much more money that it required funding it from my salary. That morning she called to tell them that she had accepted another position with another agency for even more money. I knew from talking to a recruiter that I was making $10,000 a year less then other individuals with my job title. So it did make sense to me that she would have a position as she described. I went to lunch and came back and the agency owners pulled me into the office and informed me that everything would be staying the same and I would be in the same position with my same salary. I smiled and said thank you. That day, God's hand was crystal clear to me. I knew that He already knew what would happen and He had already provided another job for the other lady and for my position to stay as it was. Then in His great mercy He provided a contact, who at the time was a friend and she told me to apply for my current position. My relationship with RS ended. I submitted my resume, I was called a week later, I interviewed a week after that, and was offered the job a week after that and I started 2 weeks later. I started at a salary that was $6,000 more then what it was at my former job.
God is so much bigger and at times it's so easy to forget. It's so easy to become wrapped up in the thoughts of I have to do this, I need to go here, I need to plan for this, I have to make sure that this is taken care of… This has been a reminder that I'm not in control. I don't have tomorrow guaranteed. I do know that the Heavenly Father is not someone watching us from a distance but He desires an everyday relationship with us. He sent His Son so that we would know Him. He has a plan for us.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16

As I prepare

I'm getting ready to go into about 2 hours worth of meetings. As I was driving in to work this morning I was reminded. That God is bigger. That He always knows and has already provided for our needs before we know that we have them. That we have no guarantees in this life and our trust is to be in Him. There is a feeling of unease and unrest in this office today. Jesus told us that we have the peace that passes all understanding. We are not to worry because worry and anxiety are what the enemy uses to attack our thoughts and steal our joy.
He has brought me to this place, through the various winding of my career path. He will take me to wherever He wants me next. I've worked hard, I will continue to work hard and I will trust knowing that He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine.

Do not be anxious about anything

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I've had this scripture verse running through my mind since 4:10 this afternoon. On the way home all the songs were about how God is in control, various variations of this theme.

My mentor who trained me had mentioned last Friday that a meeting we are scheduled to have tomorrow may be bad news. I just moved on to the next thing. Then today at 4:10 she came over and asked if I would be ok if we receive bad news tomorrow. I just smiled and said yes. She's very concerned because this person who will be in town always comes to share and break really bad news. I refuse to worry. It does me no good. God is in control. He is always in control. He provided this job right around this time last year. He always provides. He is bigger and greater and way more then I can ever understand or put into words. He has called me to not live in fear but to live each day to the fullest. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring and I refuse to dwell on the what ifs that may never come to be.

Long post because I figured out where my funk was coming from

Can we say FUNK today and as I was typing this post I figured out why!!! I feel a little bit in limbo regarding the roommate situation I can't count on the October rent and I have to get 2 cavities filled and I need to see the chiropractor. I know worrying will not help and I know God's in control it's just a bummer to me to be in this situation again. I also have been picking up on the vibe that my roommate is ready to move sooner rather than later and I understand the need for more space I just dislike any awkwardness. If I'm doing something that is annoying or I need to change something then I have to be told I'm not a mind reader and I just don't know. Maybe it's just work overload, and this is entirely possible, when you work 10 straight days with no break that's a lot!! I've posted for a position at work that I would really like to have, but there are no guarantees. The competition for the position is tough and I don't want to get my hopes up but I do hope that they will talk to me about it. Our internal recruiter who called me to talk about the position said it would be a logical next step, and it would be. I know that I'm qualified and I know that I would be able to handle the position, so praying that if that is meant to be that it will work out. If it did work out then I would no longer have to have a roommate and that would be ideal!! I love my 2nd job and I don't mind working that but I would really love to have my own space that I didn't have to share.
I got to meet my friend AES's new baby. Wilson is an adorable little fluff ball, I think he's a maltipoo but I can't remember. He is simply precious and I loved on him while catching up with my friend.
This is the part where I figured out where the funk is coming from. Back when I broke up with S I sent JL an email it took him a while to respond and when he did, he asked me what I meant I replied and never really got an answer back via email. We did talk via FB messenger about what I had addressed in my email as the reasons why it hadn't worked between us before but other than the messenger I don't think he thought much more about the things that I brought up in my email to him. Originally when we started talking we had contemplated him flying me up to MA for my birthday weekend but then we decided that wouldn't be a good idea. Then another topic that was discussed was that he would be flying in to NC for the first home game in Boone and perhaps he could drive to Charlotte and then us going to a game together in Boone. I cleared it with Miss K that he may come stay. I asked him what games he was coming to, explained to him that the only one I would be able to go to would be the first home game this past weekend. When I started at the new restaurant I let the GM know that I needed this past Saturday off. I told JL that I had made the request and then instead of putting him on the spot about the ticket I just told him that I had this Saturday off and that he wanted to come back to Charlotte that night then I would be free. Originally he had talked about me going to the game with him but I knew that he was planning to be with his friends and he might not want me there. Which actually really hurts my feelings, he was in NC and this would have been a great chance to see me. Instead he tells me that he definitely won't be coming back to Charlotte after the game and maybe I can drive to Greensboro Sunday for lunch. I told him I would see as soon as I told him that I made other lunch plans for Sunday as well as setting up a Saturday night girls night. After I got off work Friday night I had a text to call him. Turns out he'd flown into NC Friday morning, had some business to take care of then went to lunch with his parents. Then drove up to Sugar Mtn where he and his buddies were staying in a house. He thought he might have an extra free ticket and wanted to know if I already had plans. OK so here he could have had the perfect opportunity to see me. He could have bought a flipping ticket. I would have driven to Boone for the game on my own and that way he could have at least seen me. He invited me to lunch with his family and I told him I was sorry I already had plans. I called my mom afterwards because of the conversation and because I love his parents and would like to see them. But she helped point out that it would be me driving to him again and he wouldn't be making any effort at all. I would have loved to have seen his mom especially but I did the right thing by keeping my original plans to have lunch with KH. With this past weekend and how he handled it he effectively ended the questions that I've had that we could ever make it work. I will always always always fall at the bottom of his priority list. I logged into FB last night and JL had sent me a message saying that I sounded funny on Friday night when we talked and maybe I was just really tired but he hoped he hadn’t done anything to upset me. I told him he had not. Then brought up me coming for a visit and I told him I didn’t think that was going to work out. Then he asked me if I still wanted to see what happens and I told him no that I feel like all the reasons it’s never worked still are there and I just don’t see it ever happening. I tried to explain that while I knew he had business on Friday and I knew that it was important to see his parents originally when he talked about this game he had talked about staying in Charlotte on Friday night and us going to the game and I told him that I knew he stayed with his friends on Sugar Mtn and that was fine and for whatever reason he didn’t want me there but again that bothered me. Then I told him that while I would have loved to have seen his parents I didn’t feel right about that since I just know that it’s just not going to work.
So then he says so you don’t want to try anymore, to which I said no and he said he’s still not giving up. To which I thought but didn’t respond you just don’t understand that your effort will never be enough because despite your best intentions you always put me last.
I have had this rolling around in my head all day. This is what has been bothering me. I'm letting it go. It's another closed chapter.

JSnaps at Etsy

My friend Jess over at Dude and Sweeties has opened shop over at Etsy. She is fabulously talented!! Go check out her blog to enter her give away, and to visit the site click here!

Another Sunday Walk

I love this time of year. I love taking Jack Banner on walks so that he can spend some of his energy and then be all cuddly and cute and worn out when we get home. He makes me laugh and I appreciate the fact that he gives me a reason to go for a nice walk on a Sunday afternoon. This is an example of my view as I walk. I LOVE NC, I really appreciate the green beauty and the weather and everything about it.



JB cruisin along, his ears crack me up!!


He stops to check things out

He has to sniff a few things along the way

Then he has to make sure that all the other dogs know he has been by

Then we cruise along again and the ears are still fabulous!!

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Friday night I worked at the restaurant. It was just right busy, 250, busy patio, full restaurant, lovely!! I was out just before 10. I went home and took Jack out and was in bed shortly after. Saturday morning I laid in bed and thought, I don't really have to do this 13.1. I could just quit training now and not do it. I really want to go back to sleep. I really don't want to go run this morning. But then I thought about how much training I've already done. I thought about how I already backed out of the 1/2 this past April and switched it over to a 10K. I thought about how I needed to suck it up and get myself out of bed and go do it. So I did. The weather was so gorgeous!! The first 9.5 miles I was just fine, it was easy and I took a walk break briefly for water at around 6 miles. But then the last couple miles, I struggled. If I'm honest I bring it on myself. My eating habits are appalling right now and I'm going to quit talking about it because if I'm not changing it then I have no one to blame but me and I need to either fix it or not say anything.
I did finish the run with 12 miles. Then I had to get back and shower and throw clothes on in about a 30-40 minute window because I had to be at the dealership at 11. I left for my run at 7:25, finished mile 12 at 9:45 and then walked home to arrive at 10, I wasn't sure what traffic would be like getting over there. It's not a far drive but traffic on Independence can be a little crazy. I was fine, got there in time and they did the transmission flush and oil change for me. When I start having to do this kind of maintenance for my car it makes me want a new one. I've told myself until I pay this one off I'm not allowed to get a new one. When I bought this one I was being bought out of a lease (dumb dumb dumb move on my part to have leased a car with as much as I drive but you live and learn) so anyways I need to pay off this car before I can get a new one.
It only took about an hour and 15 and then Miss K and I went to lunch at Cabo Fish Taco, YUMMY!!!! They have an El Cheapo margarita that is fantastic!! I'm sad, she told me Friday she wants to move to a bigger place so she's actively looking for a new residence. I knew all along I was most likely just a stop over place but I am sad to see her go!! She is staying in the same area so we'll still see each other and hang out, we've become friends and it's nice to have someone who will be close by who is fun to do stuff with. After lunch I resisted the call of the nap in order to clean the bathroom then I let myself take a nap. My friend NH and I had plans for the evening and I was so excited. She came over around 6:45 and we had a glass of wine. Then we headed over to Soul, it was phenomenal!!!! I was super impressed by the food. It's a tiny place so I'm glad the wait wasn't any longer then it was. After dinner we walked over to Whiskey Warehouse, slipped through the back at Thomas St to hang out on the patio for a while and then after a while there we decided to go to Jack's on 7th. As NH and I were walking to the car a group of 3 people was approaching us. The guy was saying hey wait y'all need to be headed this way, I looked at him and as recognition dawned on my face it dawned on his as well. Crazy Cokehead who I hadn't seen since 2006 happened to be out this particular evening. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I react badly anytime anything related to him comes up, to the point of it almost being a panic attack. There is just something about him, something inherently evil. He's horrible. NH was trying to get the story out of me of who he was because my face lost all color and I was shaking. So on the way over I tried to explain that he was bad news and when we got to Jack's my sweet friend bought me a bourbon and ginger and my color came back and we started talking again. I knew I needed to get home to Jack Banner so we left there around 1:30 and NH drove me home. She lives less than 5 minutes from me and we never see each other, I plan to remedy this.
Sunday morning came much to early!! I dragged myself out of bed and made it to church just after 10. Then I made it through the service despite being tired. I had lunch plans with KH she was home with the boys but E napped the entire time I was there. I did get to see J, he's 1 1/2 and oh so cute!!! After lunch I needed a nap, I was so exhausted!! So the rest of Sunday was lazy, I did get a walk in with Jack and a load of laundry done so I wasn't completely unproductive.
I hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!!

When the World Stopped Turning: A 9/11 tribute

It's hard for me to believe it's been 9 years since our lives were irrevocably changed. I watched this on My Little Life and yes it made me cry, it also made me remember. So many lost loved ones. So many heroes. SO many heroes still fighting and still sacrificing their lives. I'm so unbelievably thankful to live in America, to be able to speak and worship freely. Words can never express how much I appreciate the soldiers and soldiers families who are sacrificing and have made sacrifices to fight for freedom.

Thank you!

Disclaimer and Summer 2010

I realized that mentioning the monkey from Saturday night and the following why didn't he call posts might have been better left off. Honestly it was a fun Saturday night out, I wasn't expecting to meet anyone at all, he was so far from the typical guy to approach me and when I wrote it was all just funny.
Then he never contacted me and me being twisted I was suddenly all curious as to why I didn't hear from him. So I wrote it out because I am learning that when I write it out I can usually let go of it, after a certain time. I'm also learning I tend to have to write things out a few times sometimes to really let it go. I won't always talk about the various people I may or may not talk to, it just depends. If I think there's nothing to it I'm more likely to write then if I think there may be something there. Then if I thought there was something there and there wasn't you might be hearing about it after the fact because what better way to vent out my feelings...
In the course of the summer I've gone out more then I had in the past 3 summers. I have had the best summer since 2002!!! I met up with a favorite blog friend!! I went out a lot with Miss K. I helped another favorite blog friend's little boy celebrate turning 1. I had the best birthday yet and enjoyed a vineyard with friends followed by a girls night out. I took 2 weeks off from a restaurant job. I went to a fabulous wedding!!! Through it all I've laughed and enjoyed myself and appreciated the wonderfulness!! Summer 10 goes down as the best yet, here's to the coming fall and the fabulousness it will bring!!!

5QF

My Little Life Rules for Five Question Friday: Same as always!! Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then c'mon back and link up.

1. Do you feel guilty spending money on yourself?
2. How well do you know your neighbors?
3. What age are you looking forward to being?
4. Do you get excited when the mail comes? Why?
5. What is your earliest childhood memory?

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1. Do you feel guilty spending money on yourself? No not at all. I will say that when I was dating CF&G I spent way way more on them then I did on myself. Hello the group of tickets to take G to see Lion King and Mama Mia. Plus all the stuff I bought because I was trying to make her feel like she wasn't a visitor but rather this was her other home. I actually am working on the spending money thing because I tend to spend without thought until the bills come and then I regret. I no longer buy ridiculously expensive stuff for boyfriends either.

2. How well do you know your neighbors? I moved in to my little shoebox at the same time as my neighbor above and across from me, so we talk on a regular basis, then the girl above me moved in about a year later and she and I are always cordial. The girl across from me moved in a while back and for whatever reason we don't like each other and I will say hello to be nice but she is not someone I like to run into at all.

3. What age are you looking forward to being? I'm adjusting to how old I am now not that I'm saying I'm old I'm just adjusting to the variety of self imposed ideas of where I should be and what I should be doing and I am noticing that I am slowly (on some days) starting to be ok with myself.

4. Do you get excited when the mail comes? Why? I used to because I used to write letters and have pen pals. Now not so much, I check my mailbox maybe once half way thru the week and then on the weekend. I do get excited when my friends email me or I find an old or new friend on FB :)

5. What is your earliest childhood memory? According to my mom she said she had days where she would pray that I would not remember what happened. Her prayers were answered because I have very very few memories from being a little girl. I think this is why I'm able to remember so much now. I can tell you wear I bought the shoes, jeans, shirt and who gave me the necklace I'm wearing, when I bought/received it all and the various things that were happening in those years. I do remember one Sunday when I was maybe 5 or 6 and we had come home from church and they had talked about Jesus coming back and I fell asleep on the couch in the living room waiting for Jesus to come back. I also remember playing barbies with my mom. So I have a few memories but they are extremely vague.

As I'm thining I'm typing

I can't access the blogs today that aren't their own domain. This makes me sad because it's how I keep myself sane, while also accomplishing my work.
I appreciate the sweet comments on my previous post. I'm not upset, by any stretch of the imagination just curious. It's ideal that he didn't contact me as it would have not been the greatest situation for me to get involved in.
Yes I was ugly (or if not ugly let's put it this way, I came into my own looks wise when I was about 21) and no I will not post the pictures but those of me who are friends on FB can go look at tagged pictures and see what I'm talking about.
I'm glad this was a short week and actually for a short week it has totally not dragged on and on like they usually do.
I worked at the restaurant last night and I'm still loving it!! I can't wait to try the food.
Appalachians first home game of the year is on Saturday and I wish I could be there but instead I will be getting my transmission flushed, thanks Mom and Dad for that birthday gift to me!!! I guess I really am an adult when I'm asking for stuff like that for my birthday.
I work Friday night but I no longer have to close like I thought I did and this will help tremendously when I try to run 12 on Saturday.
I need to figure out a really easy route for that 12 on Saturday!!
For all the posts stating that I'm content and happy I have just as many times when I don't feel that way but then I think fake it til you make it so I keep telling myself that I'm happy and content and then at some point I start to feel that way again.
I am thankful for all the blessings in my life and will be thankful when my work Internet is not blocking me from reading my blog roll!!!

Thought Form

OK here's the scene:
It's Saturday night out with Miss K. We have moved outside to the patio, we have her guy she's talking to with us. They're talking I'm more half listening and mostly people watching. Miss K makes comment, hey that guy looks like a monkey, her friend and I laugh and agree. Monkey guy comes over to the table and says why are you staring at me? Miss K says I'm sorry I didn't think I was staring but I apologize. He talks for a minute we are pleasant but not encouraging. He goes away. Miss K and friend are talking I determine I would like a drink, I stand to go inside.
Monkey guy is standing at the stairs I have to go down. He says hey where are you going, I say to get a drink. Then he says what are you doing tomorrow. I say church, usually this is a great way to get someone to go away. The fact that it is also the truth is secondary.
I go and get my drink and try to sneak around to get back to the table but he sees me at the table and comes over. So he starts talking to me this time. I stand up and walk over to the porch rail where conversation continues because I have determined that he is interesting enough to talk to.
I'm mildly curious and a little intrigued. He's someone I would look twice at at the gym but that's all.
We end up talking and walking across the street, Miss K goes home. We end up talking til late and I don't get home til around 3:30 and he calls at 3:50, per my phone it was a 7 minute conversation.
The following day I get a good morning text. We talk for a minute back and forth. He was going to a bar to watch football and invited me, I asked for a rain check because I was going to be with my parents and I told him Aunt and Uncle, because that is what I call my Godparents. He said maybe. I replied with a smiley face text. That was it, that was Sunday. I've not heard from him since.
Naturally being nosy as all get out I've googled him, read all the articles, have completely been over his FB page, because we became FB friends on Saturday/Sunday at 3:40.
Now in all honesty, not someone I should probably be interested in dating. Yet I'm trying to figure out how come I've heard nothing... Did he meet someone on Sunday and take her home? Did he find old pictures on my FB page and realize that I used to be ugly? (which if that's the case that is exactly the reason I allow those pictures on there if you can't handle that I used to be ugly then you don't get to date me now) anyways.... So why in the world do I let it get to me?
Miss K says it's because I'm female. I'm thinking I'm just twisted. I'm capturing the thoughts, I am. I'm putting them in thought form on here so I can release them entirely.

Cavities, Good run, and Plans

I appreciate a short week!! It's already Wednesday!! Yesterday I had to leave work early for a dentist appointment. S had cleaned my teeth in June so lucky for me yesterdays cleaning went super fast. Unfortunately they told me I have 2 cavities I have to get filled. It's what happens when you haven't been in a year and a half and you love sugar! I'll be going back to get those filled.
After that appointment I met my parents and Godparents out for dinner and said goodbye to the Godparents. I went to the gym and had a wonderful 4 mile run. After the disappointing run Saturday I am so glad I had a good one last night!! It definitely helps me and gives me hope for this coming Saturdays run!! I think I'm going to back off the weights with my legs on Thursday and see if that will also help.
Tonight I have to work at the restaurant. The hardest part about this new job is the fact that we are not allowed to have cell phones on the floor. I am so unbelievably spoiled when it comes to this. I like always having my phone with me, I'm kind of addicted!
Nothing further has been heard from the monkey guy (Miss K's nickname for him) from Saturday night. Just as well, I'm good with this. This Saturday night I will be out with my friend NH. We haven't seen each other since 4th of July weekend so we have some catching up to do!! I like having something to look forward to and it will be my last free Saturday until October.

SparkPeople Article

On a fairly regular basis I mention the fact that PMS makes me slighly crazy. I just read this article on Spark People and I felt like it was helpful so I'm sharing. It's by Becky Hand, licensed and registered dietician. To read the article on the website go here.

PMS. Three little letters that spell dread and discomfort for millions of women every month. It is reported that more than half and perhaps as many as 85 percent of all women experience discomfort related to menstruation, common referred to as Premenstrual Syndrome. In this article we'll explore how your diet (and some nutritional changes) can help you eat to beat monthly PMS symptoms. What is Premenstrual Syndrome? Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) is the name for a group of symptoms that begin 7-14 days before your period (menstruation). The symptoms include a variety of physical and psychological symptoms and usually stop soon after your period starts. While the exact cause of PMS is unknown, it seems to be closely related to the fluctuating levels of hormones, including estrogen and progesterone. Some women may be more sensitive than others to changing hormone levels during the menstrual cycle. Stress and emotional problems do not seem to cause PMS, but they may make it worse. Signs and symptoms of PMSSymptoms vary from one woman to another, but the most common physical and emotional symptoms include:
AngerAnxietyAppetite changesAcneBackacheBloatingBreast swelling
Breast tendernessConstipationCrying spellsDepressionDiarrheaDifficulty sleeping Fatigue
Fluid retentionFood cravingsHeadacheInsomniaIrritabilityJoint and muscle painMemory problems
Mood swingsOvereatingSwollen hands or feetTensionTrouble concentratingUpset stomachWeight gainWhile 85 percent of menstruating women experience some of these symptoms, only 3 percent to 8 percent experience a severe form of PMS called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). PMDD symptoms are severe enough to either disrupt women's personal relationships or interfere with their normal work and home responsibilities. Eat to Beat PMSThere is no cure for PMS, but healthy lifestyle habits may help reduce symptoms. Here are 9 eating tips that I recommend for women who want to prevent or reduce their PMS symptoms:
Enjoy 4-6 smaller meals throughout the day to reduce bloating and feelings of fullness.
Limit your consumption of salty foods and sodium to reduce fluid retention and bloating. Use your Nutrition Tracker to monitor sodium intake, aiming for 2,400 milligrams or less each day.
Select foods high in complex carbohydrates and fiber, such as whole grains, brown rice, fruits, vegetables, beans, legumes and lentils. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, these foods may improve mood and reduce cravings.
Limit your intake of highly refined and processed carbohydrates such as chips, crackers, and snack foods. These foods can trigger overeating and upset your digestive system.
Limit the amount of sweets (candy, cake, cookies, breakfast pastries, pie, jams, jellies, and soda) in your diet. These can cause rapid fluctuations in blood sugar that contribute to moodiness and irritability.
Choose calcium rich foods and get at least 1,000-1,200 milligrams daily. Calcium is a key nutrient for women anyway, but it has also been shown to ease depression, moodiness, water retention and PMS pain. For more ways to boost calcium intake check out these dairy-free sources.
Avoid or limit caffeine consumption to decrease feelings of tension, anxiety, and irritability prevent breast tenderness.
Avoid alcohol to help with feelings of depression and moodiness. One study published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology also found that regular alcohol consumption increased length of and severity of cramps in women who experience cramps during PMS.
Discuss with your doctor the benefits of taking a multivitamin-mineral supplement. In addition to dietary changes, the following lifestyle habits can also help women who experience PMS.
Exercise can help improve your overall health and alleviate symptoms like fatigue and depression. Engage in at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise every day (or most days of the week). Learn more about exercise and your period.
Get enough sleep. Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep each night.
Find healthy ways to cope with stress, like talking to friends, writing in a journal, or practicing yoga.
Schedule stressful events for the week after your period.
Don't smoke. PMS symptoms appear to be worse in women who smoke.
Stick to a routine so that you eat, wake up, go to bed and exercise at the same time each day. If dietary and lifestyle changes don't help control your symptoms within two to three cycles, or if PMS seriously affects your health and daily activities, visit your health care provider. There are no unique physical or laboratory tests to diagnose premenstrual syndrome, but your doctor can examine you and perform test to rule out other problems. He or she may ask you to keep track of your symptoms for several cycles, too. Your health care provider may suggest various treatment options, including medications such as aspirin, acetaminophen, ibuprofen, ketoprofen, naproxen, diuretics, antidepressants, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, and/or oral contraceptives (birth control pills). You may need to try more than one medicine to find the treatment that works best for you. Why suffer through PMS every month if you don't have to? Try to incorporate these habits to improve your overall health and well-being and feel your best all month long.

Burrito Casserole, Shopping, What I heard on the radio

Sunday was super low key and nice! I love my godparents and it's always such a treat to spend time with them! My mom made burrito casserole for dinner, it's basically Mexican lasagna and it's one of my favorites, it's super easy too. She puts chili beans in the food processor and you put a layer of the bean mixture plus either ground beef (already browned) or chicken (already prepared) then a layer of cheese, then tortillas, then you repeat, then over the final layer of tortillas you put the remaining bean mix/meat and cover, you bake for 30 minutes and then uncover, top with cheese and finish off for about 15 more minutes.
Monday I slept in til 8, it was so nice!!! I got ready and drove Mom and Aunt L to the Arboretum where we started our day of shopping. From there we drove to Carolina Place where we first visited Dillards. 70% off shoes, I got a fabulous pair of wedges for next summer, they're white, and I needed a pair of white wedges. Then we decided to grab a bite to eat then it was back to shopping. It was so much fun to walk and look and it's the most time I've spent at Carolina Place in a while, usually I'm in and out on a lunch hour.
After our day of shopping we returned home, mom had bbq going in the crockpot and she made oven baked French fries, dinner was yummy!! Then it was time for Jack Banner and I to head home.
It was a very interesting weekend. I heard from the guy from Saturday night on Sunday, we texted for a minute but nothing yesterday. Doesn't mean a whole lot, I could hear from him still. Honestly I could care less one way or another, of course I would want to pick his brain for more information regarding fitness but I also have my friend google. I just like having the opportunity to talk to someone who knows so much, and he definitely does.
Finally this morning I was driving in to work and the morning station that I was listening has a segment that they do where one person thinks the other is cheating so they have the station call and find out if it's true or not. I guess the segment starts on Friday and I had heard the girls story, she was engaged, her fiancé was acting funny she wanted to know if he was having a final fling. So this morning before I got in to work I hear the call made to the fiancé the DJ calls and says he's won a honeymoon package and the guy says he needs to withdraw because he's not getting married, meanwhile the girl is on the other line. So they ask him does his fiancé know and he says no, then she gets in on the call. He totally starts trying to turn this around on her, saying I can't believe you did this, you put this on the radio, completely trying to make her the bad guy (which makes her SO MUCH better off without him). Turns out that the woman he was sleeping with was one of his mom's really good friends, he's 29 and his mom's friend is 51… He was such a jerk, I mean really they've called you, they've caught you and you are being a complete and total jerk on the radio trying to make it your fiancé's fault. I thought to myself, wow, for all the jerks that I have dated and I've had a few try to turn things around on me, at least I've not had to have it play out on the radio!!!