a mile in their shoes

During my FL trip I thoroughly enjoyed HGTV, Food Network and TLC. Friday afternoon while I was getting ready for the formal dinner I was watching Say Yes to the Dress until I started crying with some of the brides and I had to switch back to HGTV. I still love watching brides pick out the gown of their dreams!

Saturday afternoon before the dinner cruise we were in the room watching 4 weddings on TLC. I love this show! Patrice commented she couldn’t believe I still liked these shows and I was like, “why wouldn’t I”? I love all things wedding, even though I was so disconnected from my own wedding.

Before I ever met D I had said I didn’t really want a wedding, and I didn’t. I love all things wedding but the idea of dealing with all that previous to my own wedding held no appeal for me. Perhaps because my Mom had always had her own opinion of how it all would be. Perhaps because I didn’t have any sort of budget. There were a lot of factors that contributed to why I had no desire to plan a wedding. Then when I met D and we got engaged I was his 3^rd wedding. This just added more reasons to why I didn’t feel a wedding was necessary.

I’ve said this now a few times. I went into my marriage with no real expectations, other than that he would be nice to me. Apparently having no expectations was a recipe for disaster because oh my goodness that first year was such a nightmare!!! The following year and 8 months were not sunshine and rainbows either

There is so much that I have taken away from my experience that I wouldn’t have had I not made the choices that I made. My relationship with my Mom, because I learned how to communicate and establish gentle boundaries, is better than it ever has been! My appreciation for life and understanding that perception is 95% and a positive outlook makes everything better! My time in Al-Anon and all that I’ve learned. I haven’t been to a meeting since April but if I feel that I need to I know I can always go back.

I think the most incredible take away has been my relationship with the Heavenly Father. I’ve always professed Christianity as my faith. I grew up in private Christian schools. I’ve always understood Jesus died for my sins and God loves me. I’ve seen things that I’ve questioned in churches and certain practices that I don’t agree with. I quit going to church in college because I refused to be a hypocrite, but I still believed God loved me. I sporadically attended church through my 20’s because while I believed I still wanted to party and have fun and do my own thing.Turns out I can still go out, have fun, and not be a hypocrite.

I wanted to get married and I knew I had to marry someone who also professed Christianity as their faith because for me personally dating someone of a different faith would be way too complicated. I wouldn’t be able to respect their beliefs and feelings because I believe that God created the world, that Eve and Adam ate the apple, that Jesus had to die to reconcile us to God, that Jesus rose again on the third day, and that Jesus is coming again. I’ve always and will always maintain that I can be friends with anyone but marriage is different. Marriage is two people becoming one and when you are one it’s my belief you have to serve the same God.

Interestingly enough I married someone who knew scripture. Who professed Christianity. Who went to church most weeks. Who had been a pastor for 13 years. Who had spiritually abused his first wife. Who had cheated on said first wife, I didn’t find this out until after I met first wife last December. Who had a relationship that ended and then found out that there was going to be a baby. The baby arrived in January the divorce was final in March. He married another lady in August and she kicked him out in December. Why or how I was able to Pollyanna my way through all of this in looking back BLOWS ME AWAY!!! Clearly that underlying need to be the fixer overpowered any common sense. 

It has also been pointed out to me both by number one and by baby mama that my ex-husband is a master manipulator, con artist, and has a deadly charm and this all is very true. As I have still tried to wrap my brain around the situation with his ex-fiancé they have both reminded me how charming my ex can be. I have to remember that I lived the nightmare and if you haven’t lived through it then it’s really difficult to understand the magnitude of what he can be like.

I attended the Charlotte human trafficking round table meeting yesterday, Thursday 10/1. This round-table meets once a month to find out what is happening and talk about what’s working, what is not working, what is going to be happening, and making sure that most importantly victims don’t fall through the cracks or by the wayside. I attended the August meeting but the September meeting I had just started my job and I didn’t feel comfortable asking to go. During yesterday’s meeting we talked about human trafficking and the domestic violence factor. October is domestic violence awareness month.

The truth is when you’re in the midst of chaos and dysfunction your radar for acceptable and unacceptable becomes faulty. After I left I knew I was exhausted. I knew that I was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted. But for me it took distance to be able to understand that various situations that occurred had been abuse. I shared during the round table yesterday that when you’re in it, and when it’s happening, it’s your normal, so a person who is being trafficked has accepted this as their normal. That is why it’s so hard to rescue people from trafficking. Even once they are out the likelihood that they will go right back is very high.

Last year this is the time when I was dealing with my ex telling me that he loved me, that he hadn’t moved on, that he just needed one more chance, all the while dating and becoming engaged to someone else I kept praying for wisdom and discernment. I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment. I know that everything I’ve been through has brought me to the place where I am now. While my experience was very different then what a trafficked person goes through I do have the ability to understand that when you’re in it you can’t see it. I do have the ability to take a step back and let go of judgement. Even as I typed I realized the situation with his ex-fiance is one where I don’t know her story. I don’t know what her normal was. I don’t know what her ex-husband was like. It’s so important to remember that until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes it is so important to remember you don’t know the whole picture.

what is the focus

So it's not officially confirmed but I'm about 99% positive my ex-husband is married again. I realize that I knew all along that this is how it would happen. I just have to work through the last lingering bits of the fact that there was a tiny piece of my brain that actually wanted to believe the "I will love you forever, I will wait as long as it takes and I haven't really moved on" statements.

Realistically I understand that he is sick and that he can't love anyone other than himself. I totally understand this. Trying to wrap my brain around it is taking a little more work simply because long before I met him I had a brain that always wanted to believe the unrealistic fairy tale. Example, oh you cheated on me but really it's ok because you just needed to work through some things and now you've changed.

The good part for me is that as this process has gone on the time period for me moving through this is getting shorter and shorter. I know that I can't change any of this and being upset or angry over it is pointless. He is who he is and I knew through the entire process that he had not changed.

He started his relationship with me by lying, he started his current marriage with lies. When I compare my story to his first wife we had different lives but the pattern is very much the same. So I have a really good grasp of what the truth is and because of that I think I'm going to be more able to let this go. It's just all really fresh right now.

The truth is I'm prettier than his new wife and younger. I don't really get any satisfaction from that, which I guess shows that I'm growing up and I understand how little that really matters.

I had a conversation with my mom this morning about all this and how it's a process. She said that she didn't regret our wedding and I told her that I did. I truly didn't want a shower, I didn't want a wedding and I think one of the reasons behind it all was because in the back of my mind I had serious reservations.

The truth was I had almost called everything off about 2 weeks before the wedding. I didn't because I had shower presents sitting at his house. I had already sent out invitations. I would have left him so much sooner if we had eloped at the court house instead of me standing in front of my friends and family and making promises that I wholeheartedly meant.

I told my Mom that I understand that she wanted a wedding and that had she tried to stop it I would have gone ahead anyways. But the truth is it was because of my wedding that I didn't leave sooner. I think that this is not a bad thing. I used to run away from challenges and difficulties and because of the promises that I made I had to face everything. I had to work on myself. I got myself into Al-Anon.

God works all things for His good for those who love Him who are called according to His purposes. Even when I married someone and forced my own solution God used it so that He could grow me and change me. Had I left earlier on it's incredibly likely I would have repeated the pattern. I'm the girl who went to Charleston, found her own way home, and said she was going to take a break from dating only to start dating again 2 weeks later. God knew that in order to really get ahold of me He needed me right where I was. He did not cause my heartbreak and struggle and the bad things that were happening but He was able to use them in a very profound way.

Driving to the social security office this morning I was praying. I realized that I could dwell on my ex-husband's marriage and the lies and all of that or I could recognize that my joy has come in the morning. I can focus on the incredible blessings and life that I have. I can get myself all worked up over the things that I can not change or I can let go of those things because they are in the past and I can trust in the promises that God is good, that He is faithful, that He is more than enough and I can move forward knowing that He knows that plans that He has for me.

Step 12

When I started re-working my steps last year it was because my ex-husband had agreed to 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I realized he was going to beat my at finishing the steps and at that point I had been in Al-Anon for 2 1/2 years.

I remember looking at my sponsor in the meeting and saying I need a sponsor can you help me out. We met and talked and she agreed to be my sponsor and we started the steps over because I had been stuck on step 4 forever, or 2 years but you get the picture.

I began the process of writing out the homework and working through the various steps. Sure enough D finished his 12 steps long before I did and dropped out of AA sometime this past summer or fall I'm guessing. I'm still attending my meeting and still appreciating the gift of being a part of the program.

It's pretty incredible to look back over the past 3 1/2 years and realize just how far I've come. I've learned so much. I can look at my own motives and own my actions and choices. I can recognize when I'm not staying on my side of the street and when I'm trying to force solutions.

It's been a pretty incredible month. My divorce was final on April 1. I found out on April 13 that I passed my CIC exam and I officially achieved my designator. I finished my 11th and 12th step tonight. I will end this month at a week long retreat where I will have prepared for the 30 days leading up to it with devotions and prayers. I love how God works out the details!

I'm thankful that my sponsor has walked this journey with me over the past year. I'm thankful that I've finally completed the work and I can say that I've done my steps. I'm thankful for the program that helped me survive and then thrive both in my marriage and now out of it.

I'm such an instant gratification person that I've found myself wishing I could skip over this process of having to deal with my emotions and the hurts that still linger. Knowing that my ex-husband is very likely already married doesn't shock me. I knew that this is exactly what would happen. I know that he is a very sick individual. He was saying until December that he loved me, that there was no one else that he would ever love, that he had not moved on, that I was the only one for him. Finally I told him if he contacted me further I would send his then GF every message he had sent me since October. He's a liar and a fraud and I've known this all along. But knowing it and then facing the reality and processing it are a little different.

Life moves on. Fortunately for me I do have this retreat coming up. As hard as this week has been I do realize that I'm on the other side. I would not trade the freedom that I have for anything. I do not envy his new wife the journey she will have and the nightmare she will live.

I'm thankful that I have reached this place and I'm thankful that my journey continues. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future!

Shattered

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the stuff I've been processing since last week. Finding out that my divorce was final, and then realizing that my ex-husband contacted the lawyer and needed proof of divorce, it was what I knew would happen all along.

I have been sorting through various emotions. I wanted to get married. That was my goal. I achieved my goal. Then on my wedding day my life totally fell apart. It was on my wedding night that the thought flashed through my head that I had married the absolute wrong person. Why did I have that thought, because he would not tell me that if I gained weight he would love me. He said that we needed to work on being healthy. Y'all have read me long enough to know I have some serious issues about this subject and while this past year I've grown leaps and bounds on my wedding day I was probably as emotionally unstable as they come.

Years of starving, binging, gaining, losing, and a revolving door love life created a perfect situation for my now ex-husband to sweep in and fast track our relationship to the altar. Believe me I know I was just as much accountable. I should have dealt with myself. But I could should myself for the rest of my life and it's not going to be productive. Instead I will accept what I've learned and I will not repeat the patterns.

That day that I got married allowed God to finally get ahold of me. I've explained before that it was my moment at the well. Everything that I had defended and brushed aside, and tried to justify placed me in a marriage that shattered everything that I was. That sounds dramatic and if you read my pre-marriage writing I was the queen of the dramatic, but this is a different kind of intensity. Fortunately for me, even though I landed myself in a nightmare of my own making God used it to meet me and bring me forward. I don't think He caused any of it to happen but He used it in order to work it for His good.

It's the kind of breaking that meant those old pieces were never going to go back together again. Years of self-hatred and loathing were in the broken pieces of selfishness, manipulations and the need to control. When I think back on the stories I'm reminded that I hurt others and I cringe. I certainly landed in plenty of hurtful situations myself but I also am guilty of trying to force my own solutions and not caring if I hurt someone who cared about me. Example, the guy I went to Vegas with. In all honesty he was super decent. I should not have agreed to go. I should have acknowledged early into it that I just wasn't that into him. I think at this point reaching out would be wrong but I recognize that I was so wrong in how I handled all of that.

Once I left last year it was like a huge weight lifted. Then I agreed to go through the counseling process and I was terrified of going back. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he hadn't changed and going back would just prove how he hadn't changed. I'm thankful that I trusted the women that God put in my life as I went through that counseling process. For me it was so necessary to walk through that and be held accountable. I needed to be heard. They needed to know the story of everything that had happened. Because I was willing to go through that process I am now able to move forward into my life and talk about what happened in order to help others. 

The talking to others is sometimes really scary. It's not just sharing that I married someone who was verbally abusive it's also sharing that I had my own issues from long before I ever got married. It's way scarier to be honest and real about the eating disorder that I struggled with and in all honesty still struggle with. I've had to fight so hard since this past Thursday against that long time habit that would allow me to eat whatever I wanted to feel better and then get rid of it all. 

It's a process. This too shall pass. I'm fortunate that there are so many people in my life who care about me. Who stand along side of me. Who have been so amazing! I'm struggling with what my life is supposed to look like. I got married, it was so bad that I had to leave, and now what? Now where do I go? What is next? As I've been wrestling with this and praying and trying to sort through it all I am also working not to feel any sense of entitlement. See God gave His only Son who died for my sins. If nothing else good ever happens again in my life that is enough. I have a savior who died for me. Who loved me so much that He gave the greatest sacrifice. As I was praying this afternoon walking through the dress section at Belk I was reminded of this fact. 

Here in America because I do have so much it's easy to feel like God owes me something because that's the culture in which I live it says that God owes me. In reality everything that I am everything that I have it's all His. My life is not my own because of the price with which i was bought. So as I read scripture verses and study and sort throught these feelings I'm reminded that it's not all about me. I have been brought through a really really dark season, and He didn't bring me to this place for me to return to old habits and old party girl ways. 

Part of the struggle I'm facing is allowing Him to continue to be the main focus. It's easy now that the divorce is final to say OK, let's move this along. Instead I've promised Him, and myself, that I will not do things the way that I would have done them before. This is incredibly hard for me! I'm working to remember that I'm not the one in control. I've seen the results when I try to take control and force results. 

I know that it's very very early on into the finality fo my divorce. While it's felt like such a long time, it's really only been a short season. Last year at this time feels like an eternity ago and yet it's been just months. I'm willing to go wherever He leads, however it may look, and while I'm willing, I'm also fighting the old me who wants to control it all and tell Him how it needs to be done!

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Sometimes I do wish I could rewind my life the way I rewind a movie. Except I've accepted that I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the lessons from my life experiences.

I found out yesterday that my divorce was final on April 1. Yes God definitely has a sense of humor! 2 months and 11 days shy of 4 years after my wedding I am officially divorced. Typing that out and seeing it in print makes me sad. Not sad because I'm no longer with my ex-husband. Sad because it's not how a marriage is supposed to end. Marriage is supposed to be two people together who work to make it work.

In the email thread from my lawyer I saw that they had emailed my ex the divorce papers. I asked them if he had contacted my lawyer and he had because he had an appointment today and needed proof of his divorce. The only reason you need proof of your divorce is because you are applying for a marriage license. If he gets married today, in addition to the license, I won't be shocked.

I've honestly been struggling to let go of the anger and resentment that I didn't know were still lingering. I've realized that there are layers in this process of letting go. Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

The lyrics from our wedding song have been playing in my head today.

Had a picture in my head
How I thought it all would go
But who showed up instead
Turns out you never know
Love will steal you by surprise
And take your heart just like a thief
Love can bring can bring a stubborn man Down to one knee

Chorus: 
And I wouldn't change a thing
It's perfectly imperfect
So crazy but it's worth it
And I'm wrapped around you like this ring And something tells me that even if I could I wouldn't change a thing


Love will show you what you lack
Love will laugh at all your plans
And if your heart won't give it back
Love will slip right through your hands
But heaven knows we've had our share
Of days we'd rather leave behind
Oh but love don't really seem to care
It makes the wrong turns right

Bridge: 
I'm truly, deeply, madly, completely
Devoted, every moment, 'til my last breath I'm yours


Got a picture in my head of a hundred years from now 
When all our lines have all been read 
And we're both up there looking down

Matthew West "Wouldn't Change a Thing"

While the relationship that I had with my ex was dysfunctional and abusive the song itself would turn out to be prophetic. I thought I knew how it all would go and this marriage brought this stubborn girl down onto her knees. I wouldn't change a thing because as imperfect as it all was I see the beauty of how God worked out the details.

Love showed me what I lacked, and laughed at my plans. I'm thankful to leave behind the days of my marriage because it was so unhealthy. Instead of being truly madly completely devoted to D I'm truly madly completely devoted to the Lord, to His plans, to what He has for my future. I've fully surrendered to Him and whatever He has for me. Until my last breath I will seek to bring Glory to the Father.

One day I will stand before the Heavenly Father and answer for my life and the choices that I've made. I am thankful for the work that He has done for me. I am thankful for the brokenness that brought me to the now.

5 minutes

At some point last week the judge signed my divorce papers, I hope. Since I haven't heard anything one way or another I'm going with the no news is good news assumption.

Easter was so fun! I had nursery for the 9 service, I attended the 11 service and then I rushed home to help my Mom get Easter lunch served. It was so nice having everyone here and enjoying each other's company. I took Jack for a run after everyone left because it was so beautiful outside!

Work has slowed down significantly for which I am thankful. The downside, apparently I work better under extreme pressure. Now that I don't have 5 million things all required at the same time I have trouble focusing. I still have plenty to do. I have files that have to get published, July renewals that are supposed to already be done and August renewals that are supposed to be started.

I have been struggling to stay on task. I think that I'm perhaps a little burned out. I am off the last week of April to attend a Heartquest event. This is a week long retreat to get away and spend time with the Lord. Up until today I had been feeling extremely disconnected and unable to focus on the devotionals. There are 30 days of prep, 5 days on the retreat, and then 30 days follow up. I have been in this very weird place that I really don't like. PMS is real, and I know that a lot of my feelings are related to it this week.

Today was my first day to eat sweets after my year long sweets fast. Admittedly it's been a lot more sugar today than in the previous year. Including the large cup of ice dream from chick fil a at lunch. I ate half, ate my grilled chicken nuggets, and then the other half. I currently feel pretty nauseous.

I started the sweets fast when I was in a really bad place with the bulimia. I was freed from the bulimia in July of last year. Today I really wasn't prepared for the onslaught of memories triggered by the sugar. I actually plan to do another 60 day sweets fast starting tomorrow. I feel like I need to better prepare for this next one to end. I don't want to let go of the freedom that I have from the bulimia and eating sugar seems to be an enormous trigger. It's so eye opening to me that these things I think I've dealt with, and in some ways I have, have many different layers to them.

It's the way it is about D. I think I'll be doing fine and then Mom and Dad go out of town and I get hit with the unexpected like the GF having the conversation with him about the information that she has that he was telling another woman that he loved her 10 days before proposing to her. That left me in a weird place that weekend when my parents were out of town and I was struggling to stay accountable to not go back to old habits.

I've never been entirely sure why I felt like I was supposed to do this sweets fast I just knew very clearly that I was called to do it. In looking back I can see how the weeks leading up to me being set free from bulimia were positioning me and then afterwards helping me continue to move forward in freedom. There is something to all of this and I realize that I need to work through it.

I've shared in small group settings a few times now about the fact that I was set free last July. It's such an unnerving process to be this real with people because quite honestly people are likely to judge and while I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, and by sharing I might help someone else, it still leaves me in a vulnerable spot.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was and I'm not where I'm going but I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

Mishmash

I was reminded this past Saturday that I don't miss certain parts of restaurant hostessing. The insanity of Valentines is definitely something I don't miss!

Today is the 4th anniversary of my first date with D. I still remember what I wore, where we met, the fact that he was late… We sat and talked and I found him fascinating. Oh if I had had a way of looking into the future! I can't keep playing this game with myself. It's done. No matter what I understand now I can't go back and change any of it.I also wouldn't because I wouldn't be where I am today. I just want to go back and shake the me of 4 years ago. I want to tell her to figure out herself without that driving need to get married in order to figure out her life. 

Friday night was a low key evening in. I cleaned bathrooms and hung out with Jack. Friday was the 6th anniversary of when I brought Jack home. The years have flown! He has been the absolute best valentine's present to myself ever!!!

Saturday morning I went to bikini bootcamp at sassy girl. It's a tough hour! Then I got ready and Mom and I drove to High Point to see my brother and SIL. We stayed with my nephew while they went on a lunch date. On our way up I sent an email to my girls cancelling the party on the 21st.

I had originally said I didn't want to do a party and the closer I was getting to the party the more I still didn't want to have the party. So I let everyone know we'll do something fun this summer because I love them all but we're not going to have the party next Saturday. I have done my best to make sure that throughout this process I have stayed very much in God's word and listened for His voice, I knew in my spirit that having the party would not be honoring to all that He has done for me. From the beginning when things were so horrible to when I left to now my only desire is that my actions honor the Lord.

This divorce was necessary. I have complete peace about the decision. I just can't celebrate because in all honesty I would much rather have seen a real change in D, a true change, and been able to share a story of a marriage that was restored. Every step of the way I prayed for wisdom and discernment. I wanted that story of a miracle but I knew that I had heard all of his promises before. I knew from listening and observing that he hadn't changed. Every time I started to question if I was making the right choices God allowed me to see the truth about D. The FB posts on D's page provided way more information then he realized he was putting out there.

Yesterday morning I ran 11 miles on the treadmill. It was way too cold to run outside! I went home and got ready and I went to the 11 service at church. I had a conversation with a couple after the service. The inevitable question has become, well how is D doing? I no longer have to steel myself not to cringe and I keep it simple. I state that he's doing really well, he has a girlfriend and he's really happy. I explain that I don't really talk to him but from what I understand everything is great. Then the next question seems to be am I seeing anyone. To which I very nicely answer no that's not been my focus. Then the statement well I'm sure there is someone just for you to which I answer that I'm happy to just continue focusing on the Lord and whatever His plan is. Then I find a way to change the subject.

I no longer have to pretend that the question about D doesn't bother me, because it doesn't. The chapter is closed, he's moved on, and I'm no longer fighting for a marriage that was progressively worse rather than better.

I can easily forget the bad stuff most days. I'm glad that I wrote throughout my marriage about what was going on. I can see the patterns. I was able to identify the empty promises. I was able to prepare and implement a strategy that allowed me to move everything out and I am thankful to still be with my parents. I think about the trips that we took and had planned and then I remind myself that those trips were great but the reality of my life was not good. I am at an odd sort of crossroads in my life. I know the path that I am choosing and yet the other path is still wide open and waiting on my to just cross over.

That other path is the path that offers partying and online dating and returning to all my old patterns. For so long I pursued my own way and it's odd to suddenly be on a new path and yet still so easily able to see the other road. I haven't thrown up since July. That is also a part of my old patterns. I have had moments and times when there has been temptation, when there have been triggers. I've simply chosen to continue to walk in the freedom that I walked into last July when the word was spoken and I physically felt the breaking of the hold of that on my life. 

I blocked D on FB the Monday before I filed only to unblock him again that Saturday. I realized that I needed to have friends hold me accountable so I reached out to Tiff and Patrice and I explained that I had blocked him only to unblock him and that come Monday I would be re-blocking him and to please help me break this pattern of checking his FB by holding me accountable. Patrice made an excellent point about it. She said you know that God brought you out and set you free, much like he did with the ED. You have to choose to walk in the freedom of not checking D's page. You have to leave him to God and you have to walk in the knowledge that you are right where you are supposed to be.

This is hard. This is so hard. I am daily choosing where my focus is. I want to internet stalk his GF. I want to create scenarios. I want to dwell on all this so much. Days like today when it's a significant calendar day in our brief relationship are days when the memories seem to hit me harder. I know that this too shall pass. I know that this is all part of the process. I know that when I keep my focus away from D and his girlfriend and his life I make my life significantly easier.

I'm on the other side of the year. I know that from here on, especially once the divorce paper is signed by the judge, I will only continue to walk further and further from it all. I don't want to forget where I've been but I also don't want to stay stuck in it either. I realize that the yes I've said to God might not be easy. I realize that yes is likely to come with a high cost. I'm trusting that as I continue to focus on His plan and His direction my life is going to fall into place in a way that I never could have imagined! 

The girlfriend

I wrote yesterday that I'm in a good place and I am! However, I admit there is still the factor of the girlfriend and I am doing my best to let go. I need to not research her further. I can only find so much, and I don't know this woman.

I had a feeling that I would like D's first wife tremendously and I was right. I have never had a desire to get to know anything about his second wife. Based on everything I put together I know that I would not like her. When it comes to his girlfriend now I have a feeling I would like her, I appreciate meeting very intelligent accomplished women and she is definitely that.

This girlfriend who will likely be his wife soon is a woman who I am having trouble accepting that she doesn't understand who he is. From the time I found out her name in October to now I have been praying. Somehow someway that she will not have to have the nightmare that I lived through.She is intelligent and accomplished and yet she is dealing with a charming two faced master manipulator, control freak, hypocritical pharisee.

Every relationship is different. Every story is different. I don't know her full story only the bits and pieces I've been able to put together. It could be that D has really changed.... Except I don't think he has. Actions are what indicate change. D's actions have all been the exact same as what I've observed the previous 3 years and in talking with his first wife his actions haven't changed in the past 26 years. So my concerns are valid. Except when I allow these concerns to spin I'm trying to control a situation that is absolutely none of my business. I need to get out of my head!

I realized  yesterday that by still trying to find information on her I'm allowing myself to focus on a situation that I can't change. I can't force a solution. I can't save her. I can't make this better. I have to believe that God, who works all things for good in my own story, will also work all things for good in her story.

So I will work to keep my focus on me and my life and I will leave this alone and trust that the God of details has all her details worked out too!

what if you fly

Driving in to work this morning I was thinking about this week last year. I met Lisa for dinner on Tuesday night. It had been snowing that day but nothing was sticking. We went to one of my very favorite restaurants, Thai Taste! I heard about her birthday weekend, and I told her the story of moving everything out of my house.

Wednesday morning I woke up and the weather people said the snow was coming! Tiff had reached out and offered to let me stay with her because if it did get bad she lives less than 5 miles from my office. I had the best time! We used the snow to keep beer cold. We hung out. We walked to the park.

I remember D had tried to get me to answer calls and text messages that I was ok. I refused to respond. Eventually my Mom answered his calls to their house and told him that I was safe and fine.

 I had a 2 hour work delay on Friday last year, which was Valentines because Charlotte got dumped on with snow. When it snows like that it shuts down this city! We don't have the equipment or man power to clean up winter weather. Even though we do occasionally get winter weather it's nothing like what happens further north.

I drove home from work only to get stuck on my parent's driveway and then get stuck in my Aunt and Uncle's driveway. I had to dig my little car out. That Saturday I drove to High Point to see my nephew and brother and SIL. *Sidenote: tomorrow I'll be driving up to see them again.* My original plan last year had been to go up Friday but I ended up postponing because of driving conditions.

I realized something else this morning while I was reflecting. For the second time in my life I had to get myself out of a really bad situation. In 2005 I went to Charleston with a guy named Mike. It was supposed to be a fun get away. The first night he called me a gold digger and said I was just out to see what I could get from him. Saturday I bought us tickets to go on a dark side of Charleston tour. We went into Charleston to grab food beforehand. I don't remember the exact tipping point but as the evening wore on he got uglier and uglier to me. After the tour ended we had gone back to grab a bit to eat at a restaurant and I had paid the check and he started yelling at me that it was about time I finally paid for something and he ranted and raved and walked away. The table sitting across from us came to check on me. I said I would be fine I was getting back to Charlotte tomorrow.

He came back and started in on me again. I got up and told him I was going to the ladies room. Instead I walked out the door and got in a cab. I had hotel security escort me to the room so I could retrieve my things and I paid for a hotel room for myself that evening. That was when I still had an actual limit on my credit cards. I called my friend Paula who called friends of hers and they picked me up the following morning and drove me to Columbia. Paula met me there and drove me back to Charlotte.

Mike tried to contact me a few weeks later; I told him that I was dead to him and never to contact me again.

I'm fully aware that there were comparable incidents with D before we got married. I have said many time over now that I would not change any of it because of where I am now. I'm also frustrated that it took all this for me to reach this point. I think it's why I'm now so accepting of the fact that my future is completely unclear. I don't know what the next year is going to look like. I don't know what the next 5 years hold. No one does, realistically, but when my goal was always to get married the plan for me was always pursuit of that goal.

I honestly don't think my future is going to hold a husband or children although I realize that God might surprise me when it comes to this piece of my life. I've prayed about this, acknowledged that I am willing to accept a future that I don't understand any longer. My prayer has become, Lord wherever you direct me I will go. Whatever your plan for me, I will accept it. I will say yes, no matter what that looks like.

When I went to the dream conference last weekend I heard a word that was encouraging and yet intimidating. We had the opportunity to submit a dream for interpretation. I hadn't had any dreams recently that I felt the need for clarification on. Then the night after I got the email letting participants know that we could submit a dream I had a dream, which I submitted the following morning. The word that I was given is that in 2 years I will no longer have to feel so pulled between the responsibility of my job and the stronger desire I have to be able to do what the Lord is calling.

Interestingly the way I would have handled this previously is trying to figure out how to make it happen. What did I need to do, what did I need to move, what did I, what did I, what did I… I've learned over these past few years that when I try to force solutions the outcome is never what I hope. I can rest in this word knowing that God is working out the details. He is such a God of amazing detail that I have no doubts that He already has started moving the pieces. I only have to trust Him and continue to give him my yes.

The party is a week from tomorrow. Honestly I wish that I had stuck with my original plan of not having a party. My girls want to celebrate and I get that. I am already moving on. I didn't want it to be referred to as a divorce party, and actually I have never called it that. I think they are calling it that. Which, that’s fine, for me this is a celebration of closing chapters and new beginnings.

I did send D a final email. I've kept communication to a minimum, especially after I told him at Christmas if he contacted me further I would send his GF every message he's sent me since October. I sent an email explaining why it was over in December, I sent an email calling him out for not spending time with A and in that email I said I would not contact him further. Which I wasn't except when I went to do taxes I ended up having to file joint.

Long story, short the government gets A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT of my money and paying instead of a refund made no financial sense. I sent a text from in front of my accountant asking if I could still file joint because when he asked me I had said absolutely not. I'm able to be humble when necessary!

The final email, my closure:

In light of this morning's text I am reaching out one final time despite saying that I wouldn't.

Thank you for paying for A’s enrollment and book fee and L’s enrollment fee. I’m thankful that you blessed Amy and the kids; it’s a huge financial burden that I know she carries.

Thank you for holding me accountable to tithing. I never grasped the reality of it until we got married. It’s hard to explain to others who don’t tithe why it matters so much. Because I had to be faithful with it I have seen how important it is.

I am very happy that you have met someone who seems to be very genuine and accomplished. I hope that y’all will be wonderfully happy. I do not appreciate the continued messages you sent me after you met her. Please be kind and loving and show her the respect she deserves. Please continue to work a program.

I fully recognize that I would not be where I am today if it had not been for our marriage. I explained to you in a previous email why we are over. I would not wish the experience of my years married to you on my worst enemy, much less a woman who I have never met, please do not do to J what you did to me. You say you have truly changed, if that's the case then she is a very fortunate woman.

This email does not require a response.

I’m thankful that things have worked out so well for us both. I wish you all the best.

I've determined that I won't reach out to his girlfriend. I've reached a place where I have wonderful peace about where I am. I am truly thankful for his girlfriend because she is the reason I know he won't drag out the final process. Since she thinks he's already divorced he can't say a whole lot. I can't see what he says anyways since I have blocked him on FB in order to quit looking at what he's posting.

Reaching out to his girlfriend could potentially stir up drama but oh I do wish that I could reach out to her! From the research I've done this women is amazingly accomplished and someone who I would want to meet. Her Linked In is incredible! I don't think D has really changed and it does bother me that she is likely buying into his lies but I have to practice letting go and letting God. Regardless of how desperately I want her to understand what I think she should know about D, it's unlikely she would be receptive. I pray on a regular basis because I am not kidding about not wishing my marriage experience on my worse enemy! I pray somehow someway she will not have to go through what happened to me.

I allowed the email to D to be my way of doing what I could to request that he not hurt someone else. I allowed the email to be my final statement. I'm not angry, not upset, not bitter, I am thankful. My marriage was the vehicle that God used to get me to the here and now. I'm not God, and I'm not going to try and play God. It's now my responsibility to stay out of the driver seat and let God direct where I go from here.

Moving on

Life is crazy. All the time. It doesn't seem to change so I'm going to stop saying it.

Thursday I went to the lawyer, signed the paperwork, drove home and then went for an 11 mile run. I got home, showered, got ready, and drove up to Patrice's house. I hung out there until I went to the Awakened event at the Concord church.

Friday morning I was at work and then that afternoon I drove to Concord to attend the opening of the Hope Center. I'm so excited that the Concord church has opened this in our old building. I left from there to meet up with my friend Vada for a few hours. Then I went to the Concord church where I attended a conference on dreams.

I've always believed God speaks through dreams and Friday night we talked about dreams and how God speaks and different types of ways that God speaks. It was amazing! I'm so glad I went!

Saturday morning I ran the UNCC 5K. I would have skipped it except my Mom's department puts this race on every year and my friend Nicole was running with me. I left from there to shower real fast and I made it to Concord by 11 for the rest of the dream conference.

The conference ended at 3 and I went home and crashed!

Sunday morning I went to the 9 service. I had nursery during the 11 service and then Patrice and I went to lunch. My small group kicked off at 2 and we went to Panera where my group will be meeting. No one was able to come Sunday but I was there. I actually have 4 women who are going to be a part of my group, which I’m so excited about!

The rest of Sunday I rested!

I found out yesterday that D signed certified for the divorce paperwork. The papers could be sent one of several ways. They could mail them and he would have to sign in front of a notary, I told the legal secretary I knew he wouldn't do that. I could send them certified and once he signed then we were good to go, which is the option I chose. Had he not signed certified I would have had the sheriff serve him the papers.

So now he has 30 days to counter and then the paper goes to the judge and then shortly after that everything will be final.

I'm so thankful that this is almost done! I look back over everything that happened during the year that has passed and I'm amazed! I think the biggest surprise for me was that I was still able to be hurt so much by him. I didn't realize how numb I was when I left. I knew he would have a girlfriend and be engaged but I didn't expect the actuality of it to hurt me.

I sent out an email to my girls about celebrating the closed chapter. I debated, and reworked and thought about previous fun things I had attended. I realized I didn't want to do what I would have done before I got married, which would have been a night out partying. That just doesn't fit my life any longer.

One of my favorite events was several many years ago, a valentine's party that Chuck (not CF&G but the first Chuck) and his roommate had at their house. Everyone brought their favorite bottle of wine. All the bottles were in a paper bag and we rated our favorites. The winner took home a gift.

I talked to my Mom and she loves the idea. So we are creating a menu that is going to be so much fun and will pair with many different kinds of wine. I asked everyone to bring their favorite wine in a brown bag and we will number each one and taste.

The party motto is every new beginning comes from another beginnings end, thankful for new beginnings! I'm going to provide the champagne for an after dinner toast to new beginnings!

Thursday February 5, 2015

IT'S HERE!!!!!!!

I had no idea how I would feel on this day. I suppose if I hadn't found out on Monday about D lying to his girlfriend about being divorced already I might feel a little more sad or angsty. Last night I kept waking up, I would look at the time, and then go back to sleep.

NC requires one year of separation and then the court will grant an absolute divorce. It's a no fault state so you just list irreconcilable differences. I asked my friend, who is a lawyer, if I could list a few other things and she was like, no. She said he would just contest it and then it would get dragged out. I would say I don't care how long it takes but that would be lying. I want to be legally divorced and change my last name again and I don't want to have any further ties to D.

This week I have 2 scripture references that have been given to me. Proverbs 21:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." and Psalm 30:11"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy"

I woke up this morning and I felt such joy! I have truly been set free! I have no regrets. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did the very best I could with what I was given. I know that I submitted to the church leadership and I went through the counseling process. I know that I have done everything that was asked of me. I know that I have done my best to keep to my side of the street.

Yesterday I started posting my songs. I have had friends reach out to me and ask if I am ok, and I am able to answer yes I am awesome! This is not how I pictured the story. I have been posting my play list of songs with the year in a comment underneath on FB and on IG I've been posting the corresponding scripture verse. If you follow me on FB or IG I know I've blown up my news feed. For me it's a way to keep my focus. I compiled these songs and scriptures so that when this day arrived I could truly celebrate!

My appointment at the lawyer is at 9am. I need to run 11 miles. Tonight I have a women's event at the Concord church. Tomorrow I work 6-1 and then the Concord church is having the grand opening of the hope center at 2. I meet my friend Vada at 4. At 6:30 I'm attending a conference at the Concord church on dreams. Saturday morning I have a race and then the second part of the dream conference. Saturday night there is another event at the Concord church. Sunday I have church, nursery, and then at 2 I will be at the designated spot for where I will meet with my small group. I have no members yet but I signed up to lead a group.

It's a lot, and yet, I'm thankful that it has worked out like this!

my side of the street

It's now less than 48 hours until I file.

I found out yesterday that D's new girlfriend believes that he is already divorced. Believe me when I say there was a very real struggle for me to keep myself in check. At the end of the day it's not my place to contact this woman. Sure I could post publicly on FB about my divorce filing but that would completely negate the high road I've managed to stay on during this past year.

I changed my profile picture to Proverbs 12:22 "Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal faithfully are His delight." Then I changed it because I figured that was too much reacting on my part.

I blocked D on FB only to unblock him again this morning. I blocked him due to the most recent post talking about how some people just give up on their spouse too easily. He also liked his own post and liked his comment that he made on his post, hash tag narcissistic. I maintain that if I'm going to go check I do not get to react, I am the one responsible for going there to begin with. For me the whole checking his FB thing is a control thing, and once I realized that I would have gone and blocked him again except FB won't let you block someone back until 48 hours have passed. The reason I block him is so that I can't see what he's posting. I have my privacy settings so that if you're not friends with me you don't see much, as far as I know. D has no privacy settings so anyone can go and see his page. When you block someone not only do they no longer see you but you no longer see them. You don't see what they like or comment on. Especially after Thursday it's time to really truly let go. After Thursday my life will no longer be tied to his (well it has to be finalized by the judge but my part will be completed).

I really try very hard to keep myself in check. Over this past year I could so easily hate him after the way that everything has played out. On so many levels. He promised to love me forever and wait as long as it took. He promised that he had changed. He promised that he had not moved on. Lie after lie after lie. So manipulative, deceitful, charming, oh I have many words but at the end of the day I have to realize that I'm not God. I don't get to sit and play God in the judgement of my soon to be ex husband's character. Do I have strong feelings, absolutely! Do I think that my ex husband is a hypocritical pharisee, absolutely! What I think in regards to him no longer matters. Fortunately for me I have had really amazing Biblical, Godly counsel as I have walked through this process. I already had a foundation in the scripture. Otherwise I would think that I was no longer worthy to be loved by God. If my ex husband and his family is to be believed I am the worst sinner on the planet.

I wasn't sure how I would feel this week. I've prayed over this past year for wisdom and discernment. Each step of the way God has allowed me to see and hear exactly what was necessary although at some points it was very painful to see the truth. When I was visiting Lisa and I found out that D had traveled to DC with his girlfriend it hurt me so much more than I ever expected it would. I had already prayed on the plane on my way to MN for scripture. The verse that I was given was Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us".

When I found out yesterday that he had lied, yet again, I was ready to find a way to "make it right" and make sure that he was found out, and called out! It's not my place. Lies have a way of being found out. If/when he marries this woman you have to put how many times you've been married on your marriage license. You also have to put the date of your divorce. At the end of the day what really matters is that I'm going to be able to walk away and my life is better.

I needed yesterday to remind me, once again because apparently I easily forget, that Thursday will be a day for rejoicing. I would never in a million years have believed that a divorce would be a reason for rejoicing and thanks and yet in my story, in this chapter that is closing, I'll be praising the Lord with all that's in me for allowing me to be set free!

Psalm 34:3-6 "Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me;he delivered me from all my fears.Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles."

Life is a blur

Last week was a blur! I had Thursday off for taxes but because of my work load I only took 3.25 of the planned 8 hours of pto. I'm kind of not as far behind, but not really. There is always something!

I was at the tax place early Thursday to avoid having to wait. They don't take appointments so I've learned to get there right when the doors open. I went home took a nap and then went for a long run. The weather app said it was going to be completely clear with no chance of rain. It was wrong. I was 5 miles in and I see raindrops and then it started raining. It wasn't a complete downpour so I sucked it up and finished the 5 more miles.

Friday I was back at work. That night I went to my meeting. Saturday I went to Abs and Booty at Sassy Girl. I found my itunes music and got it loaded on my phone. I had an epiphany of sorts on Saturday. If I ever decide to date again the guy will have to like country music and let Jack sleep in the bed.

Saturday evening I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend of mine. You know you're old friends when you sit down and talk to each other and it's like no time has passed at all. Originally Patrice was supposed to be there too but L passed along his stomach ick to her so she decided to stay in and not share.

Yesterday I had a 4 miler. I PR'd it. My time was 36:08 and my pace was 9:03. I sat for a long time researching my previous 4 miler results to make sure it was a PR. My friend Nicole keeps a spreadsheet which is a great idea but I'm just not that detail oriented… so instead I sit and research race results back to 2009…

I have gift cards to several stores and I have yet to use any of them. This is totally not the norm for me. I've been so slammed at work that I'm not taking hour lunches. I have been so busy outside of work that I haven't made the time to go to any of the stores.

I figured out how to get my iphone pics transferred to the PC. I was so proud of myself for figuring that out! I'm definitely going to have to post the pictures from the National Botanical Gardens!

This week is set to be another busy one and I'm thankful. I'm ready for the chapter to close!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2

5 Minutes

Work is insane. SO insane! I can't even really figure out where to start. I have to get started I know, in a minute…

I drove to High Point this past Friday morning to spend the day with my nephew and SIL. My car stayed in Charlotte at the car place. I dropped my Mom off at work and then drove up. She has satellite radio in her car and the country stations were playing awesome music on Friday. I had a blast listening to songs that I listened to in the 90's and early 2000's.

My SIL and nephew were excited to see me. My nephew and I played while J got ready and then we left to meet my brother for lunch. We went to a place called Moose Café, attached to a farmers market. Oh the food!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO good!!!

Friday afternoon we all took naps, it was rainy, sleeting and cold, it was a perfect time for naps!

Friday night my brother brought home Chinese food and we hung out and watched Say Yes to the Dress on Hulu. It was awesome!

Saturday morning I hung out and then shortly after breakfast I headed back to Charlotte. My car, it turned out, needed a spark plug. Fortunately it was way less financially traumatic then expected! I picked up the car and headed to the greenway. I ran 10 miles, and I had no issues.

For the past few years once I start adding mileage I've had issues. I've been very careful this time around about cross training and trying to stay ahead of injury. I'm registered for a March 7th half marathon and I think it's going to happen!

On Saturday I texted Amy about doing something with Audra for her birthday. I had talked to Audra about doing something together when I took up her Christmas present at Christmas. It worked out that I was able to take her with me after church Sunday.

I asked her what she wanted to do and she definitely wanted to see Jack. I was a little concerned because it's been a year since Jack had seen her and I wasn't sure he would remember her. At first he didn't recognize her, and then he did, and then he wouldn't quit kissing her face. We watched Shrek, ordered pizza and then went to Monkey Joes.

I struggled yesterday after I dropped her off. I told her Grandmommy I wish I could still be her stepmom without being married to D. I love her, and I miss her. I've had to create distance and when I do spend more than a few minutes with her it's really hard for me afterwards. I wouldn't trade it, I treasure the time, but it leaves me feeling raw. I plan to be a part of her life so I know it won't always be like this it's just part of the current process that I'm walking through.

This process has been an experience I don't ever want to forget. It's not been easy, but it's been infinitely easier than the years I was trying so hard to make my marriage work. I feel very fortunate that D's first wife reached out to me. I try not to bring up every detail, because I don't want her to have to revisit her experience, but she has been amazing to me. Amy has been amazing to me. I'm so thankful that I've got women who are familiar with who I'm dealing with and who remind me that it takes time.

I'm thankful that I have friends who didn't write me off for marrying D. I tried really hard, with the exception of one, to make sure that I kept in touch with my girls. I think they knew how difficult things were. It's funny my Mom recently brought up the conversation we had when I told her I was praying about leaving. She said it was all she could do to say that they supported me whatever my decision. They wanted me out. I think those who love you can sometimes see what you can't, or maybe even what you hope they don't see.

I'm in the final stretch. A week from Thursday I will officially file for divorce. As it's drawing closer there is a sense of relief, a sense of sadness, a sense of finality. I'm allowing God to close the door. I prayed so carefully before I left and He brought me out. He worked out all the details. I've listened carefully throughout this year and tried very hard to stay in a place where I can hear His voice.

I am so thankful for where I am. I am able to accept the fact that I don't have my future all figured out. Sure I have plans and goals and things that I would like to work to accomplish but I don't have to force my own solutions. I said when I left that I couldn't imagine ever dating again, I still can't. I prayed that if I'm supposed to get married again that God will bring him to me. I think online dating is great; I did it for a really long time. I don't want to go back and pick up where I left off. My life is no longer my own, I want to be a woman who chases after the Lord and whatever His plans might be, however that might look.

"Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" Psalm 37:4-5

Life, and rabbit trails

Wednesday morning I started reading a book called Birthing the Miraculous by Heidi Baker. She and her husband live in Mozambique and they have a huge mission for children. Early on in the book she talks about how Mary said yes to God when the angel came to tell her that she was going to have the Messiah, even though it wasn't easy. She likely faced ridicule and condemnation and all sorts of unpleasantness but she said yes anyways.

I got back to work yesterday and the amount of items that needed to be accomplished was overwhelming and I am nowhere near caught up!

I went to my coworker/friend's husband's funeral yesterday and it was such a beautiful service. His youngest brother talked about his life and it was so full of living and love!

I worked late and drove from my office up to the Concord church. There was a women's event last night. I love the fact that I'm back at church. I'm so thankful that God worked out the details so that I was able to return home!

Last night the message was about how Abraham is called God's friend in the Bible. Not that Abraham called God friend, but God called Abraham His friend. Abraham said yes to God at all costs. Even when God wanted him to sacrifice Isaac on Mt Moriah Abraham knew that God had promised through Isaac that he would have more descendants than the stars he knew whatever God was asking of him God would still follow though on His promises. He said yes to God.

Clearly there is something powerful when we say yes to God. So last night God got after me about my days countdown under my scripture verses. It's fine to post the scripture verses but I don't need to be counting it down the way that I have been. It's using God's word for my purposes instead of meditating on the scripture for me. So the scriptures will still be posted minus the daily countdown. 

Today God also got after me about the fact that I've been spinning and spinning about what Daron is posting, and why Daron is SO WRONG, and why is he such a jerk, and on and on. God moved me from the situation last year. God has been faithful every step of the way. When I focus on what D is doing I lose sight of what God is doing. When I focus on what D is posting and doing I go down the rabbit trail of misery, fury and discontent. When I focus on the Lord I see His goodness and His faithfulness.

SO as I move into these final days I've got to work on keeping my focus where it belongs. I don't want to continue to vent and give attention to someone who I can't control, I certainly can't change, and who, quite frankly, is none of my business. I'll be trying to be much more cognizant of staying off the rabbit trail!

Today at work was just as crazy as yesterday. I had my review and fortunately I have really impressed everyone this year. I'm glad that as hard as my job can be I am be recognized for my contribution.

I got home from work and fell asleep. I went to the gym instead of my meeting tonight and I ran 3 miles. Tomorrow I'm going to a class on Israel that I'm looking forward to!

Life moves forward! 

meetings, life, wisdom and reality

To catch up on what's been going on in my actual life. Friday night after work I went directly to the gym to get a run in. This time of year the gym is always a little crazy but if I can get there directly after work it's not as bad. I had my meeting Friday night. I love the meeting that I go to. Unfortunately there is now a man who is giving me the vibe that he is trying to be my friend. He has made it a point to come speak to me 2 times now at the end of meetings. I give a very nice answer and then leave. I have been excruciatingly careful in all my meetings to not give any kind of encouragement to any men. I am very pleasant and I recognize everyone but unless I know the man is gay or married I keep it to a very nice hello and that's it. I have 0 desire to have any guy friends other then the few I already have. So I'm trying to be extra cautious.

I didn't end up going to Boone with Tiff on Saturday. I had to be at nursery at 5:30 and her sister needed to make a trip to their parent's so she and I agreed to rain check the trip. I went to abs and booty class, I was still sore from the Wednesday class but I went and made it through. I spent the rest of the day reading on the couch with Jack, it was awesome! I worked my last nursery at the Charlotte church. I'm so thankful I had that opportunity! I really enjoyed my time working with the little people!

Sunday I went to the Concord church. I went to lunch with Patrice and Aaron and then I went to the greenway. I had to run 8 miles. Those 8 miles hurt! I was excited though because I was able to run a really long loop and I didn't end up having to double back. When I have to go back past my starting point and keep running it messes with me mentally. Running is so much mental that it's probably 80% mental and only 20% actually physical at this point for me. I know that my body is full capable and I've been doing this for years now so it's my brain that I have to fight more than anything!

Monday I arrived at work to find out that my coworker who was one of my training mentors husband passed away early that morning. He's been sick a really long time but I'm still heartbroken for my friend. The funeral is tomorrow and I'll be going to that.

Monday night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to booty beat class. I can't dance, I'm really not good at following the steps but I went and I worked at it and in the end it was done.

Last night I had a chiropractor appointment after work which was amazing!!! My neck had been locked up since the previous Tuesday so finally having that worked out was fantastic!!! I usually go to they gym after work and in between small group on Tuesdays but since I had the chiropractor appointment I didn't have the time I needed. Instead I stopped into the wine store where my friend Sharon is now the GM. I got to sit and talk to her for an hour about life and what's going on and it was fabulous! Then I had my small group and caught up with the girls at panera.

This morning I dropped my car off to have some work done. My Dad followed me and picked me up and took me to breakfast. We relaxed at home for a while and then Patrice and L came to pick me up. Instead of doing a toy or clothes I gave L a PTO day and a trip to Monkey Joes and lunch for Christmas. He loves MJ's and Wednesday is totally a great day to go! He had so much fun! Then we went to lunch and by the time we were finishing up my car was ready. I'm so thankful that I have my friend back in NC!

She and I talked at lunch. If at any point there had been true indication of change I would have gone back to D. I wanted desperately to have the story that God fixed our marriage, that He was able to work a miracle. I carefully prayed over all these months that God would give me wisdom and discernment. In every turn I have seen what I needed to see and heard what I needed to hear. I wish that the change that was being professed was real. I wish that D really had changed. I wish that I could have a story of a marriage redeemed. I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to continue in a pattern of control and abuse.

I'm not friends with D on FB. D posts everything publicly, anyone can go on his page and see anything. Last night he posted about the Christian Mingle movie and how he hasn't seen it yet but that he wants to because that's how he met (girlfriend tagged).

I'm looking at that post and I'm thinking, really? You really just put that on your FB? You who just 11 months ago were professing love and that you were never going to love anyone else. You who for months and months continued to send messages of love and commitment? You who started dating this woman in September and continued to send me messages that you would never love anyone but me? You were looking to meet women all the while claiming love and devotion?

So I posted scripture verses. I can't post what I really want to. I can't call him out on it. If I do that I put myself at his level and I've made it 22 days without doing that so I'm not about to start now. Instead I posted Proverbs 13:15-16 "Good judgement wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction. All who are prudent act with knowledge but fools expose their folly." and Psalm 120:1-2 "I call on the Lord in my distress and he answers me. Save me Lord from lying lips and from deceitful tongues." I'm thankful that God has done exactly that. He has saved me from lying lips and from the deceitful tongue.

It comes down to reality. The reality that I lived with for several years. The person that I married is a very sick individual. The person that I married was not at all who he made himself to be. In all of this I would do it all over again because it has brought me to where I am today. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, His love, His provision, His truth, and how He worked out the details.

Patrice and I talked about how I had asked to be released from counseling and when the pastor and counselor emailed me back they told me that they didn't have the authority to release me only God did. I had just gone to a Women Under Construction event at the Charlotte church. On my way home every song I heard was about waiting on the Lord or being patient. So I had to respond to the pastor and the counselor that I was going to do a 21 day prayer challenge and wait on the Lord. Patrice made such an excellent point. She said maybe in that time God really was trying to do a work. Maybe in that time there was actual change that could have been taking place but then it go too hard and D gave up. I had never really thought about it but that made so much sense to me. I'm never going to know all the details on this side of heaven. Someday I might sit with God and He's going to show me how all the pieces fit. I know from the innermost part of my spirit that I would not give any of this up (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) because it's brought me to a place with the Lord where I've never been before.

I don't know what my future holds. I'm not entirely sure where He's calling me or how it's going to look. I know this. I know He's moving. I know that He certainly has a purpose and a plan. I know that even if I never get married that it's going to all work out according to the plan that He has and whatever He has planned is so much more than anything I can imagine.

I can't change D. I can't change any of that. I can be thankful that God allowed me to be freed from the oppression and bondage which I was living under. I can be thankful that God knows all the details and He knows my heart. I don't have to take it all to FB but I can post scripture verses that allow me to express my heart in a way that unless you know me well, and or read my writing here, you would not know exactly what is going on.

I found a quote today by Socrates that I felt was perfect for me. "The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new".

I prayed this morning for a long time because I woke up with swirling thoughts. I'm sad that I didn't get the fairy tale miracle story. I'm sad that D is drinking again. I'm sad that his girlfriend will likely become his wife and have to experience that kind of hell. Then I said the serenity prayer, God, grant me the serenity to accept that things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Even typing it out, it calms me. There is much I can't change, especially as it relates to this closing chapter of my marriage. I'm thankful for where it's brought me. I'm thankful that I'm no longer there. I'm thankful that God is always faithful and He is a God who works out the details!