I've been surprised by some things as I have gone through this process.
I surprised myself when I agreed to the process of joint counseling. I was even more shocked at myself for beginning to try and work out the details of going back.
I've been surprised by the fact that for the most part I am truly in a place where I feel contentment and peace.
I'm just as surprised and perhaps frustrated at the sadness I feel. I fought so hard for 2 1/2 years and I prayed so much that God would give me the love I needed and He did and that love hasn't really gone away. I had to and have accepted that I do love Daron, I have realized that just because I love him does not mean that I have to go back or that I'm supposed to go back. It sounds odd to talk about peace and contentment in one sentence and write a paragraph about the sadness and love in the next.
I know that D has moved on. I know that he is dating. I was expecting this. When I first agreed to the process of counseling my Mom said give it a year and let's see what happens you don't have to make any immediate decisions and you definitely don't have to go back. The counselor told me that she did not expect, nor did she want me to go back during that process. The ultimate goal was for reconciliation but because of how D handled those weeks I finally reached the point where I had to say no more.
I kept telling him that I was done and he finally listened and I can't be upset over the fact that he has moved on and is dating again. Did he say he would wait as long as it took, yes. Did I believe that statement, no. I'm thankful that I didn't rush back. I'm thankful that I had so much prayer and guidance.
Maybe there is change going on with him, with God all things are possible. Just because I have so many mixed feelings and emotions does not mean that I'm reaching out to Daron to talk. I have prayed consistently for wisdom and discernment. I was not expecting to feel so much anxiety and the feeling of hopelessness that hits me at unexpected times.
When I left I said I could not ever imagine dating again, much less marriage. I've been surprised by the fact that I no longer say never but I also can't fathom the process and I can't really see it happening. I hurt over the fact that I always wanted to be married, and I got to be married, and then for my own sake I had to walk away from it and that reality is painful. I just can't wrap my brain around me in a marriage ever again and yet there is a part of me that is longing for this.
I was not prepared for the thoughts that slip through that are incredibly negative and harmful. I was not prepared to ever walk this particular journey and yet here I am. I am fortunate that my parents are so supportive and that they are letting me stay for another year. I know that I will have to move back on my own again eventually and this is good and healthy but for now I am so thankful for their loving support and protection.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
35th the Recap
I had the absolute best birthday since 2010!!!
Thursday morning I woke up and drove to Boone, NC. I hung out at the bridal store where I worked in college and caught up with my friend Donna, who owns the store. She treated to a delicious Thai food lunch!!!
I headed back down the mountain and stopped in Wilkes county for a car wash. When I stopped for gas I accidentally dropped my check card. I was back on the highway when I got a phone call about losing my check card. Some sweet person had taken it to the BOA branch. I am so incredibly thankful for this!
I got back into Charlotte and my parents took me to a delicious dinner and then mom and I wandered around Big Lots for a little while.
Friday morning I was up and got a 5 mile run in. I tried to go to the bank for my temporary card before my run but they were not open yet so after my run I went back. It was 2 minutes from the greenway and to be totally honest I just didn't care. I figured I could apologize for my disgusting sweat dripping body but I was on a tight schedule and I needed my card. They were so nice, and I just ended up talking to everyone about running, no one seemed all that disturbed by my appearance.
I drove home to quickly shower and drove up to Mooresville to check out the beads for my party that was happening Saturday. After looking at all the fabulous beads that Amy had pulled I drove back down to Charlotte. I stopped by TJ Maxx and found 2 awesome Maxi dresses, happy birthday to me!!!
I went from TJ Maxx to Total Wine and More and picked up the champagne for my party on Saturday. I drove home and spent a little bit of time with Jack and then I drove down to Pineville to Tiffany's house. We went to a Girls night out event hosted by 91.9, the local Christian radio station, we had a really good time! Emily Freeman, a local author, spoke and she did a wonderful job!
Saturday morning I was up early, again. I had to get ready. Then I went to the grocery store for ice and orange juice. I invited my friends to a party at Ain't Miss Bead Haven in Mooresville. I told them I would supply the mimosas and they would pay $25 and create a necklace and earrings. I had gone up back in June when Amy's mom had a party and I had a wonderful time!
Everyone had an absolute blast! I was so excited to have my friends and it was so cool to see how they each designed their own piece of jewelry art. Everyone's was so different from each other!
After the bead shop those who could went to lunch. Then my friend Margaret, who had driven up from Greer, SC stayed at my parents. We hung out on the porch and talked and that night my parents took us to dinner at my favorite Charlotte Mexican place, Los Arcos.
Sunday morning I was up for church and hugged my Margaret good bye. After church I drove to High Point where Brian and Jenny fixed me another favorite, Frogmore Stew! My nephew is getting so big, and he was so much fun on Sunday! After his nap he kept giving me hugs, so sweet!!! I can't believe he's already 15 months old!
I drove back to Charlotte and took Jack Banner for a run.
Today was my first day back at work after having Thursday and Friday off. It was actually not too terrible when I opened my email. I had a lot but I got that back under control quickly. My underwriter is taking me to lunch tomorrow for my birthday. Tonight I made it to shake and tone. Despite all the eating out I'm still trying to track calories and be conscious of how much I'm eating.
I have just been so blessed and I am so very thankful for such an amazing birthday!!!
Thursday morning I woke up and drove to Boone, NC. I hung out at the bridal store where I worked in college and caught up with my friend Donna, who owns the store. She treated to a delicious Thai food lunch!!!
I headed back down the mountain and stopped in Wilkes county for a car wash. When I stopped for gas I accidentally dropped my check card. I was back on the highway when I got a phone call about losing my check card. Some sweet person had taken it to the BOA branch. I am so incredibly thankful for this!
I got back into Charlotte and my parents took me to a delicious dinner and then mom and I wandered around Big Lots for a little while.
Friday morning I was up and got a 5 mile run in. I tried to go to the bank for my temporary card before my run but they were not open yet so after my run I went back. It was 2 minutes from the greenway and to be totally honest I just didn't care. I figured I could apologize for my disgusting sweat dripping body but I was on a tight schedule and I needed my card. They were so nice, and I just ended up talking to everyone about running, no one seemed all that disturbed by my appearance.
I drove home to quickly shower and drove up to Mooresville to check out the beads for my party that was happening Saturday. After looking at all the fabulous beads that Amy had pulled I drove back down to Charlotte. I stopped by TJ Maxx and found 2 awesome Maxi dresses, happy birthday to me!!!
I went from TJ Maxx to Total Wine and More and picked up the champagne for my party on Saturday. I drove home and spent a little bit of time with Jack and then I drove down to Pineville to Tiffany's house. We went to a Girls night out event hosted by 91.9, the local Christian radio station, we had a really good time! Emily Freeman, a local author, spoke and she did a wonderful job!
Saturday morning I was up early, again. I had to get ready. Then I went to the grocery store for ice and orange juice. I invited my friends to a party at Ain't Miss Bead Haven in Mooresville. I told them I would supply the mimosas and they would pay $25 and create a necklace and earrings. I had gone up back in June when Amy's mom had a party and I had a wonderful time!
Everyone had an absolute blast! I was so excited to have my friends and it was so cool to see how they each designed their own piece of jewelry art. Everyone's was so different from each other!
After the bead shop those who could went to lunch. Then my friend Margaret, who had driven up from Greer, SC stayed at my parents. We hung out on the porch and talked and that night my parents took us to dinner at my favorite Charlotte Mexican place, Los Arcos.
Sunday morning I was up for church and hugged my Margaret good bye. After church I drove to High Point where Brian and Jenny fixed me another favorite, Frogmore Stew! My nephew is getting so big, and he was so much fun on Sunday! After his nap he kept giving me hugs, so sweet!!! I can't believe he's already 15 months old!
I drove back to Charlotte and took Jack Banner for a run.
Today was my first day back at work after having Thursday and Friday off. It was actually not too terrible when I opened my email. I had a lot but I got that back under control quickly. My underwriter is taking me to lunch tomorrow for my birthday. Tonight I made it to shake and tone. Despite all the eating out I'm still trying to track calories and be conscious of how much I'm eating.
I have just been so blessed and I am so very thankful for such an amazing birthday!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
on the eve of turning 35
Somehow it's August, and not just August but three quarters of the way through the month.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I am one of those people who absolutely loves birthdays. I love parties, and presents and celebrating those that I love. Tomorrow I turn 35. There are days when I wake up and I have to remind myself that college graduation was 13 years ago. I am the age now that I still see my parents as being and my parents are now the ages that my grandparents were and this is mind boggling to me.
I am writing because there is a tape playing in my head and I need to get it out into words. These are the memories that I have of these birthdays and as I write I don't feel any emotion but because these memories keep running in my head I want them out.
When I got married in June 2011 my birthday came 2 months later. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect my new husband to remember my birthday. I tried to laugh it off. I tried to talk to him after the fact about how it hurt my feelings. He blamed it all on my and somehow made it all my fault. This was pre-al-anon. I now understand that his reaction and the way that it all played out is text book alcoholic behavior.
In 2012 I made sure that I made plans for my birthday. I made sure that I had dinners and lunches lined up and that I was going to have fun. He resented the fact that I "overbooked" the week of, the weekend before and after. He could not understand why all these people wanted to celebrate with me and was pretty ugly about it all to me. He was also ugly about the fact that I take the day off from work. It is depressing to me to work on my birthday and since 2003 I have made it a point to take my birthday off from work.
In 2013 I took the day off, so of course I heard about the fact that some people don't get their birthdays off and blah blah blah. I went up to High Point last year to see my nephew. I cleaned the office, because I was still doing that during this time last year, and then I stopped and talked to Amy and spent time with her and Audra and Luke. It was a really good birthday minus my husband. I had a birthday dinner with my parents and friends on the Friday after and I told D he could come but he had to be nice to everyone. Fortunately he was.
I am currently facing the truth that I don't know how to be single. I don't know how life works when you are content just being you. I didn't figure this out before I got married. I certainly didn't leave my marriage because I wanted to meet someone else. I left because I could no longer stay. I've dated plenty and I know how awful dating is. I knew when I left that I was broken and I had much more work to do on me. I've made the statement several times over that I don't ever want to try this marriage thing again. Yet the further out from leaving I get the more I start to wonder how in the world all this is supposed to work.
I am struggling. Because despite all the garbage that I dealt with over the past 3+ years I still question my choice to leave. I still ask myself if maybe I'm not supposed to return. I've already forgiven everything, I'm not mad, I'm not angry and I'm not upset. I know that he has already moved on. I know that he is dating, or looking to date, again. On a very logical level I know that I made the right decision. But what I struggle with is the fact that I didn't try so hard over the past few years out of duty, I truly loved him. I prayed that God would give me the love that I needed, and He did. These past 3 years of being married were hard, and complicated and life was a walk on eggshells and it was difficult. I am in this very weird place.
I thought I had it all figured out, and it turns out that I knew nothing at all. This place in my life is uncharted territory. There is a song that I love by United, called Oceans. I bought the CD right after I left. This song has been my song during these months. There is verse in the song:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Tomorrow is my birthday. I am one of those people who absolutely loves birthdays. I love parties, and presents and celebrating those that I love. Tomorrow I turn 35. There are days when I wake up and I have to remind myself that college graduation was 13 years ago. I am the age now that I still see my parents as being and my parents are now the ages that my grandparents were and this is mind boggling to me.
I am writing because there is a tape playing in my head and I need to get it out into words. These are the memories that I have of these birthdays and as I write I don't feel any emotion but because these memories keep running in my head I want them out.
When I got married in June 2011 my birthday came 2 months later. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect my new husband to remember my birthday. I tried to laugh it off. I tried to talk to him after the fact about how it hurt my feelings. He blamed it all on my and somehow made it all my fault. This was pre-al-anon. I now understand that his reaction and the way that it all played out is text book alcoholic behavior.
In 2012 I made sure that I made plans for my birthday. I made sure that I had dinners and lunches lined up and that I was going to have fun. He resented the fact that I "overbooked" the week of, the weekend before and after. He could not understand why all these people wanted to celebrate with me and was pretty ugly about it all to me. He was also ugly about the fact that I take the day off from work. It is depressing to me to work on my birthday and since 2003 I have made it a point to take my birthday off from work.
In 2013 I took the day off, so of course I heard about the fact that some people don't get their birthdays off and blah blah blah. I went up to High Point last year to see my nephew. I cleaned the office, because I was still doing that during this time last year, and then I stopped and talked to Amy and spent time with her and Audra and Luke. It was a really good birthday minus my husband. I had a birthday dinner with my parents and friends on the Friday after and I told D he could come but he had to be nice to everyone. Fortunately he was.
I am currently facing the truth that I don't know how to be single. I don't know how life works when you are content just being you. I didn't figure this out before I got married. I certainly didn't leave my marriage because I wanted to meet someone else. I left because I could no longer stay. I've dated plenty and I know how awful dating is. I knew when I left that I was broken and I had much more work to do on me. I've made the statement several times over that I don't ever want to try this marriage thing again. Yet the further out from leaving I get the more I start to wonder how in the world all this is supposed to work.
I am struggling. Because despite all the garbage that I dealt with over the past 3+ years I still question my choice to leave. I still ask myself if maybe I'm not supposed to return. I've already forgiven everything, I'm not mad, I'm not angry and I'm not upset. I know that he has already moved on. I know that he is dating, or looking to date, again. On a very logical level I know that I made the right decision. But what I struggle with is the fact that I didn't try so hard over the past few years out of duty, I truly loved him. I prayed that God would give me the love that I needed, and He did. These past 3 years of being married were hard, and complicated and life was a walk on eggshells and it was difficult. I am in this very weird place.
I thought I had it all figured out, and it turns out that I knew nothing at all. This place in my life is uncharted territory. There is a song that I love by United, called Oceans. I bought the CD right after I left. This song has been my song during these months. There is verse in the song:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
This has been my prayer over these past few months. I truly don't know and can't imagine what the future holds but I know that God is in control.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
When the healing begins
I find myself in a place where I've never been before and it's unexpected. I made the choice to walk out of my marriage and I chose to meet with the pastor and the counselor and I was willing to go back, provided that there was true heart change, and true growth on the part of D.
I had so many flags before I got married but I ignored them all believing that as long as we put God first everything else would just fall into place. I put God first, I went to Al-anon, I tried so hard! Ultimately it came down to accepting that I could not continue to live in the spiral of active alcoholism.
I learned early on that his drinking had nothing to do with me. I learned early on that nothing I said or did would change what he was or was not going to do. I had been in and out of so many relationships and I knew that I had the opportunity to stay put and figure me out and fight for my marriage and I did that. I watch people get married, and get engaged and it makes me happy because I believe that marriage can be a wonderful thing! I just know that my marriage was not.
Within hours of saying I do I came to realize that I had married someone who could be very charming but who was inherently very mean. Rarely in the 2 1/2 years that I was married did I have peace, and those times of peace came while I was away, but I knew when I got back I would pay for the fact that I had gone away. Not physically, there was no physical abuse, but there was the verbal and there were enough times that the verbal was so bad that I left the house because I was concerned for my safety. I ultimately hit that place where I was tired of having to pray protection over myself from my husband.
As we sat in the room for the joint counseling session where the parameters were outlined and D argued with the counselor regarding the 90 AA meetings in 90 days I so badly wanted to just walk out and say forget it I'm done. But I was willing to take a chance and just see what might happen. He sent texts of love and commitment that were anything but. He posted on FB about how he was truly changed and I was in the wrong because I walked away. He did everything he could think of to try and manipulate the situation in order that I would come back. My biggest prayer, then and now, is for wisdom and discernment.
It's hard for me to accept that it was all so broken that I can't go back. I look at the facts, and I understand rationally that I won't go back. I loved him, truly, and wholeheartedly, despite the verbal garbage, and I recognize that this is evidence of an unhealthiness in me that I have been working on as I have been faithfully attending my al-anon meetings. To be drawn to so many who dealt with addiction issues is certainly a signal that perhaps I need to fix some things with me.
I always recognized that unless something is really really horribly wrong I don't have an appreciation for the good. Case in point my job. The job previous to this one had moments when I contemplated driving off the bridge on my way to work in the mornings. When I landed my current job I can not begin to explain the gratitude and relief that I felt. I do not have the perfect job, there are very stressful things, it can be a very negative environment in the department that I moved up to, and yet I am thankful for everyday that I wake up and go to the office and I have a job that pays me amazingly well and makes sense to me.
So I have to look at my marriage and recognize that maybe if I had had it awesome and amazing from the start I might not have appreciated it. I might have nit picked and nagged, and nothing would ever have been good enough for me because I deserve xy and z.
I look at where I am now and there are days when I feel very overwhelmed by the fact that I made the choices that landed me in a lawyers office drafting a separation agreement. I will be filing for divorce on February 4, 2015. I looked at my wedding pictures recently and I think of how incredibly happy I looked, and how before the week was up I would find that I was living in hell.
I can't say that I want to go back to the girl in the pictures and tell her everything I know now. That woman would have laughed and brushed it off and said oh no, we'll be fine. That woman had a lot of wonderful qualities but she rarely failed at anything and she believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would not fail at her marriage. This woman today realizes that in life you will sometimes fail but it doesn't make you a failure it allows you to grow.
I observed very carefully as D and I went through the process of counseling how he handled things. I checked his facebook occasionally. I listened to the stories that Amy would tell me. I ran into the woman who he had been talking to on the phone. I had him show up at a race. I had a very long email from him trying to convince me to pray with him regarding something going on with the counselor that we had worked with. Each of those times simply re-affirmed the choice that I have made. The latest affirmation that I am doing the right thing is the post in which he shared that he will be starting a church. The fact that the story told to Amy is different from the FB post shows that it's just not possible for him to be completely honest he must always spin the story to fit the situation.
I am thankful that he has chosen to leave the Concord church, it means that I can go back. As for the church he will start, I give that to God. It's quite honestly non of my business. From a recovery standpoint I would think that focusing on the first year of sobriety and recovery would be the very best idea, but again, it's not my business. I know that he is looking to date again, that is his business. I hope that he finds someone who is good to Audra.
I am focused on moving forward and seeking the Lord. My condo is going to be rented out for another year. My tenants gave notice and I talked to my parents and they agreed to let me stay for another year for safety reasons. Not that I think D would do anything but quite honestly I just don't know and I read way too many stories and so I am going to stay. I'm going to focus on aggressively paying down debt. I've actually paid down quite a bit, and I'm thankful that I have, but I have more to go.
I know that I'm in the next chapter and while this particular chapter is going to be a short one, they year of leaving my marriage, it's going to lead to another wonderful chapter. I believe that God is faithful. I look at everything that has happened and how the details have worked out and I am so thankful! I don't want to wish any of this away because time is already moving so fast!
I had so many flags before I got married but I ignored them all believing that as long as we put God first everything else would just fall into place. I put God first, I went to Al-anon, I tried so hard! Ultimately it came down to accepting that I could not continue to live in the spiral of active alcoholism.
I learned early on that his drinking had nothing to do with me. I learned early on that nothing I said or did would change what he was or was not going to do. I had been in and out of so many relationships and I knew that I had the opportunity to stay put and figure me out and fight for my marriage and I did that. I watch people get married, and get engaged and it makes me happy because I believe that marriage can be a wonderful thing! I just know that my marriage was not.
Within hours of saying I do I came to realize that I had married someone who could be very charming but who was inherently very mean. Rarely in the 2 1/2 years that I was married did I have peace, and those times of peace came while I was away, but I knew when I got back I would pay for the fact that I had gone away. Not physically, there was no physical abuse, but there was the verbal and there were enough times that the verbal was so bad that I left the house because I was concerned for my safety. I ultimately hit that place where I was tired of having to pray protection over myself from my husband.
As we sat in the room for the joint counseling session where the parameters were outlined and D argued with the counselor regarding the 90 AA meetings in 90 days I so badly wanted to just walk out and say forget it I'm done. But I was willing to take a chance and just see what might happen. He sent texts of love and commitment that were anything but. He posted on FB about how he was truly changed and I was in the wrong because I walked away. He did everything he could think of to try and manipulate the situation in order that I would come back. My biggest prayer, then and now, is for wisdom and discernment.
It's hard for me to accept that it was all so broken that I can't go back. I look at the facts, and I understand rationally that I won't go back. I loved him, truly, and wholeheartedly, despite the verbal garbage, and I recognize that this is evidence of an unhealthiness in me that I have been working on as I have been faithfully attending my al-anon meetings. To be drawn to so many who dealt with addiction issues is certainly a signal that perhaps I need to fix some things with me.
I always recognized that unless something is really really horribly wrong I don't have an appreciation for the good. Case in point my job. The job previous to this one had moments when I contemplated driving off the bridge on my way to work in the mornings. When I landed my current job I can not begin to explain the gratitude and relief that I felt. I do not have the perfect job, there are very stressful things, it can be a very negative environment in the department that I moved up to, and yet I am thankful for everyday that I wake up and go to the office and I have a job that pays me amazingly well and makes sense to me.
So I have to look at my marriage and recognize that maybe if I had had it awesome and amazing from the start I might not have appreciated it. I might have nit picked and nagged, and nothing would ever have been good enough for me because I deserve xy and z.
I look at where I am now and there are days when I feel very overwhelmed by the fact that I made the choices that landed me in a lawyers office drafting a separation agreement. I will be filing for divorce on February 4, 2015. I looked at my wedding pictures recently and I think of how incredibly happy I looked, and how before the week was up I would find that I was living in hell.
I can't say that I want to go back to the girl in the pictures and tell her everything I know now. That woman would have laughed and brushed it off and said oh no, we'll be fine. That woman had a lot of wonderful qualities but she rarely failed at anything and she believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would not fail at her marriage. This woman today realizes that in life you will sometimes fail but it doesn't make you a failure it allows you to grow.
I observed very carefully as D and I went through the process of counseling how he handled things. I checked his facebook occasionally. I listened to the stories that Amy would tell me. I ran into the woman who he had been talking to on the phone. I had him show up at a race. I had a very long email from him trying to convince me to pray with him regarding something going on with the counselor that we had worked with. Each of those times simply re-affirmed the choice that I have made. The latest affirmation that I am doing the right thing is the post in which he shared that he will be starting a church. The fact that the story told to Amy is different from the FB post shows that it's just not possible for him to be completely honest he must always spin the story to fit the situation.
I am thankful that he has chosen to leave the Concord church, it means that I can go back. As for the church he will start, I give that to God. It's quite honestly non of my business. From a recovery standpoint I would think that focusing on the first year of sobriety and recovery would be the very best idea, but again, it's not my business. I know that he is looking to date again, that is his business. I hope that he finds someone who is good to Audra.
I am focused on moving forward and seeking the Lord. My condo is going to be rented out for another year. My tenants gave notice and I talked to my parents and they agreed to let me stay for another year for safety reasons. Not that I think D would do anything but quite honestly I just don't know and I read way too many stories and so I am going to stay. I'm going to focus on aggressively paying down debt. I've actually paid down quite a bit, and I'm thankful that I have, but I have more to go.
I know that I'm in the next chapter and while this particular chapter is going to be a short one, they year of leaving my marriage, it's going to lead to another wonderful chapter. I believe that God is faithful. I look at everything that has happened and how the details have worked out and I am so thankful! I don't want to wish any of this away because time is already moving so fast!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
And it's August
I did the sleep study. It started Tuesday night and went all day Wednesday. Sleep Apnea was able to be ruled out pretty much immediately. Wednesday was a series of 5 naps, it was awesome! I felt super rested! So turns out I don't have narcolepsy either, just extreme tiredness also known as hypersomnia or something like that. I have a prescription that is supposed to help me feel more alert. I don't notice that much of a difference in all honesty.
That Thursday I had my next class at the Concord church. the title of this class is hearing the voice of the Lord. Which I knew would be helpful for me. We start the class and Dawn talks about dreams and she's talking about these different kinds of dreams and then she says and have you had a dream where you really have to go to the bathroom and you just can't seem to get there and of course several of us raised our hand and then she said and have you had a dream where bathroom stalls are backed up and you just can't find a working stall. I was the only one with my hand still up for that second one.
She said I have a word for you come see me at the end of class. But then she said or I can share it now, and I said it was fine to share it then. She had a word and it was about how it's felt like I've been seeking to get rid of everything and keep looking for places but I can't find a place and it seems like I might find someplace and then something else defiles it and there is no freedom to be cleansed. The Lord has the mercy seat and I need to go to the mercy seat to heal and restore and be cleansed and that I am to run to that mercy seat.
I mentioned in my last post that I had gone back to counseling. I was struggling with a downward spiral with bulimia. It's something that I have tried many times over to deal with but I would keep finding myself back in the pattern.
With that word and the prayer that followed it was like tentacles broke. That was on July 17 and I have had a few times since then when I've had that moment of returning to the pattern but I am able to just push those thoughts away.
That weekend I had a race in Pineville that was rainy and cool, which was nice. Even being relatively cool the humidity was still high so I was crazy sweaty! I left from the race and drove down to the lakehouse to see my brother, sister in law and nephew. We had a great time hanging out and it was super relaxing!
The following week on Wednesday I got to go on an agency visit down to Columbia, SC which I love getting to be out of the office and meet people!
That Saturday I had a race where you predicted your finish time and whoever got closest in their age group won. If I would have guessed 28:47 like I thought I did I probably would have won. I guessed 28:29, which was the time from my Monroe 5K on June 7. It's ok it was a really fun race because I had a lot of friends who ran that same race.
After my race I drove home, showered, threw some stuff in a bag, and headed down to Greer, SC to see my friend Margs. We went to lunch, hung out at the pool, and had a yummy dinner on Saturday night. Sunday I drove back up and my Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda were in town. It was so fantastic hanging out with them!
Tuesday night I had my small group, Wednesday we said good bye to Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda. I had my appointment with my counselor and explained about what had happened in the July 17 class and that I didn't know where we would go from here. She said that this was awesome and we kept an appointment for end of August just to follow up but I've pretty much been released from counseling. Wednesday night we had the Israel class, Thursday night I had my class on hearing the voice of the Lord and Friday night I got my hair cut. By the time that was done, I was exhausted! I missed my Friday night meeting because I was just way too tired!
Yesterday morning I had Bikini Bootcamp, today my legs hate me! Last night I babysat for a friend so she and her husband could have a date night. This morning I helped at church and then went to church. The Charlotte church was doing a huge school supply drive for one of the local schools that they support. So I helped sort and inventory the supplies that came in. Oh my word it was so awesome to see everyone's generosity!
This afternoon I drove up to see Audra. It was a good visit, I'm really glad I went! It was a little awkward when she asked me when am I moving back to my real house. Fortunately her mom jumped right on that and she told her that I live in my real house now with my Mom and Dad and Jack.
I'm in awe that it's August. I know that time goes fast, and that it is so important not to take things for granted. Tomorrow marks 6 months since I left and 6 months until I can file for divorce. It's been a journey and it's not at all where I thought I would be, but I'm ok with that. I am right where God wants me to be!
That Thursday I had my next class at the Concord church. the title of this class is hearing the voice of the Lord. Which I knew would be helpful for me. We start the class and Dawn talks about dreams and she's talking about these different kinds of dreams and then she says and have you had a dream where you really have to go to the bathroom and you just can't seem to get there and of course several of us raised our hand and then she said and have you had a dream where bathroom stalls are backed up and you just can't find a working stall. I was the only one with my hand still up for that second one.
She said I have a word for you come see me at the end of class. But then she said or I can share it now, and I said it was fine to share it then. She had a word and it was about how it's felt like I've been seeking to get rid of everything and keep looking for places but I can't find a place and it seems like I might find someplace and then something else defiles it and there is no freedom to be cleansed. The Lord has the mercy seat and I need to go to the mercy seat to heal and restore and be cleansed and that I am to run to that mercy seat.
I mentioned in my last post that I had gone back to counseling. I was struggling with a downward spiral with bulimia. It's something that I have tried many times over to deal with but I would keep finding myself back in the pattern.
With that word and the prayer that followed it was like tentacles broke. That was on July 17 and I have had a few times since then when I've had that moment of returning to the pattern but I am able to just push those thoughts away.
That weekend I had a race in Pineville that was rainy and cool, which was nice. Even being relatively cool the humidity was still high so I was crazy sweaty! I left from the race and drove down to the lakehouse to see my brother, sister in law and nephew. We had a great time hanging out and it was super relaxing!
The following week on Wednesday I got to go on an agency visit down to Columbia, SC which I love getting to be out of the office and meet people!
That Saturday I had a race where you predicted your finish time and whoever got closest in their age group won. If I would have guessed 28:47 like I thought I did I probably would have won. I guessed 28:29, which was the time from my Monroe 5K on June 7. It's ok it was a really fun race because I had a lot of friends who ran that same race.
After my race I drove home, showered, threw some stuff in a bag, and headed down to Greer, SC to see my friend Margs. We went to lunch, hung out at the pool, and had a yummy dinner on Saturday night. Sunday I drove back up and my Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda were in town. It was so fantastic hanging out with them!
Tuesday night I had my small group, Wednesday we said good bye to Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda. I had my appointment with my counselor and explained about what had happened in the July 17 class and that I didn't know where we would go from here. She said that this was awesome and we kept an appointment for end of August just to follow up but I've pretty much been released from counseling. Wednesday night we had the Israel class, Thursday night I had my class on hearing the voice of the Lord and Friday night I got my hair cut. By the time that was done, I was exhausted! I missed my Friday night meeting because I was just way too tired!
Yesterday morning I had Bikini Bootcamp, today my legs hate me! Last night I babysat for a friend so she and her husband could have a date night. This morning I helped at church and then went to church. The Charlotte church was doing a huge school supply drive for one of the local schools that they support. So I helped sort and inventory the supplies that came in. Oh my word it was so awesome to see everyone's generosity!
This afternoon I drove up to see Audra. It was a good visit, I'm really glad I went! It was a little awkward when she asked me when am I moving back to my real house. Fortunately her mom jumped right on that and she told her that I live in my real house now with my Mom and Dad and Jack.
I'm in awe that it's August. I know that time goes fast, and that it is so important not to take things for granted. Tomorrow marks 6 months since I left and 6 months until I can file for divorce. It's been a journey and it's not at all where I thought I would be, but I'm ok with that. I am right where God wants me to be!
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