Stream of thought

Monday after work I ventured to the gym. I planned an easy strength training session since I wasn’t sure how my legs were going to do. I did arms, legs and abs. This was not anything crazy or difficult but by the time I was finishing up my crunches I thought I was going to throw up. I attributed it to still recovering. I’m so sore today that I’m not sure I was still recovering or I just didn’t know my own skills in putting together a toning workout.

Since Monday night’s session resulted in nausea I didn’t work out on Tuesday. I didn’t have to be at work until 10 because I had a later meeting. I slept in and eased around until I had to leave for work. I didn’t get home from work until 8 last night so I’m glad I had a little extra time during the morning!

I am so excited! After I got home I purchased plane tickets! I’m going to be able to go to my cousin’s wedding in CA. I haven’t been to CA since I was 13. All of my Dad’s brothers still live out there. To have the opportunity to connect with my West Coast family is really special, I follow everyone on social media but to actually spend time together is going to be amazing! I originally thought that there was no way I could go and I said as much to my mom. The following morning as I was getting ready I was praying and I had the impression I was supposed to go. So I looked up flights and currently they are affordable enough for me to go. A request for the time off, asking my friend to keep Jack for me, and making sure I had a place to stay all fell into place and so a plane ticket has been purchased!

This morning I was up early! I ran a mile and I did a mile on the elliptical. I’m crazy sore and I didn’t want to push too hard because I don’t want to create further issues for myself! Traffic on the way in, law have mercy! I know it could be worse, I know this, but it took an hour. Waze always gives an estimate when I first plug in the address and Waze is super optimistic every single time. I know to add 20-30 minutes in the morning to the estimated time of arrival.

My new nephew in High Point is being baptized this month and I needed a dress… Admittedly this was a want not a need, technically, regardless I found a fabulous green number on clearance at Dillards. I haven’t worn green in a while and I love this dress! 

I also found a blue Tahari number that I simply couldn’t leave behind. This one was also on clearance.

Tonight I'm getting my hair trimmed. I'm long overdue, I haven't had a trim since March!

Happy Wednesday!!!

FL trip, 90 days ending, back in the groove

This is the last week of September and I’m thankful! I’m thankful for the amazing trips! I’m thankful for my amazing friends! I’m thankful that this crazy month is wrapping up. I would not trade one trip or one memory and I realize I am beyond blessed! I’m also thankful that despite being full October is not a heavy travel month.

The month was not originally supposed to be that travel heavy but when Patrice called to tell me that she was being flown down to FL for the Medi convention and that she could bring a guest and she wanted me to come I simply could not say no. I didn’t have to pay for the flight or the hotel. I was a guest at the formal banquet and the dinner cruise. Breakfast and lunch were provided on Saturday. And the best part of all was a weekend away with my friend, it was an amazing and wonderful time!

I mentioned last week that sun poisoning is painful and no joke. The swelling in my legs and feet was a little scary! I was concerned about my shoes for Friday night because if my feet were still swollen they were not going to fit.

Wednesday night I picked up my amazing jewelry set from my friend Amy. She saw a picture of my dress and immediately offered to make the jewelry for me. I was delighted with how it all turned out!

Thursday morning I was up early to pack. I left for the airport and arrived shortly before Patrice. We got everything checked in and made our way through security. Coffee was absolutely necessary and we got our fix at Starbucks. We landed in Tampa and ubered to our hotel. I downloaded the app right before we left Charlotte and we found it to be the coolest thing ever! So convenient and easy!

Once we checked in to the hotel we made our way to dinner. We ate at a Cuban restaurant called the Columbian that had amazing food! We each had a salad that was fantastic! I had a cup of Spanish bean soup that was delicious and we split the Cuban which was awesome!!! This trip officially ended my 90 days no sweets no whites (no white bread, pasta, crackers, etc) and so Thursday night I celebrated with a cookie, I was so full from dinner that a cookie was the extent of my celebration.

Friday morning one of my heart quest sisters picked me up. We took her two littlest to a close by playground and they enjoyed playing while she and I caught up with each other. It was so good to see her and hear what God is doing and it’s so awesome to have that opportunity to catch up and give hugs! FB and social media are great but when you get to see someone face to face it’s always special! I will say this, FL is hot! I just experienced an incredibly hot summer in Charlotte and honestly it never bothered me. I could walk outside and stand and not sweat even when it was crazy hot. Florida is a whole other level!

After we said goodbye I went back up to the room and hung out. Patrice had to be ready by 2 so before she went to that we grabbed a bite to eat at the sports bar restaurant that was in the hotel. Where we stayed there were 3 places to eat a fancy restaurant, a sports bar a casual (but expensive) café type place and then they also had a bar in the lobby.

Friday night we had the formal dinner. Patrice had a gorgeous, stunning, gold sequin dress that was by Ralph Lauren. She was handing out awards at the dinner. She looked fabulous!!! I bought my dress on my birthday. It’s a strapless ball gown that had a pattern print underneath with a tulle net overlay by Faviana. My friend Amy made the jewelry that was absolutely perfect with it! She is such an incredible artist!

I was there to help if she needed me, hold her purse, and basically for me it was a free meal and I talked to the people at my table and had a wine glass that never went empty. I had to make sure that I drank more water than wine, which I did. The wait staff did an awesome job making sure that everyone was taken care of. After dinner we went to the lobby bar and had a glass of wine and talked to people. Patrice is on the marketing material that a lot of offices use so everyone wanted to meet her and talk to her and get to know her.

Saturday morning we enjoyed breakfast, the eggs were amazing! It was a buffet style breakfast and there was plenty! I made sure that I enjoyed every last bite of the pastry, I wished they had had cinnamon rolls! After breakfast we went to the pool and hung out until lunch time. Lunch was served buffet style and they did an awesome job! The desserts were little so I made sure I tried one of each! I also enjoyed a piece of bread and a bread stick!

Saturday evening we had a dinner cruise. Oh my gosh it was so beautiful on the water!!! Not only that, BUT THE FOOD!!!! It was all so good! We were given drink tickets when we got on the boat so that was 2 drinks each but the wine Patrice was drinking she had to purchase so that was additional tickets for me and even still we ended up with a leftover drink ticket. I couldn’t find the tickets so I purchased a drink and then we were offered drinks at one point and of course we accepted.

They passed the desserts hor ‘doeuvre’s style. I managed to snag a brownie bite and a chocolate covered strawberry, much to my disappointment that was the extent of my sweet treats. I was still full from dinner so I suppose it worked out. As we were exiting the boat they did have hot fresh chocolate chip cookies and I did thoroughly enjoy that! We went to the lobby bar for a drink, we talked to people and then made our exit. 

We enjoyed breakfast Sunday morning and then packed up and headed to the airport. I dropped Patrice off with her family and by this time it was after 4. I was craving both sushi and pizza so I stopped by Harris Teeter to enjoy both. I also picked up a coconut crème filled Russell Stover chocolate pumpkin. I went home and I enjoyed every last bite and then a little while later I enjoyed a bloody mary!

This morning and for the next 12 days I won’t be having sweets, alcohol, no bread of any kind, no meat including no fish or eggs, and no dairy. I’m happy to do this, I’m not complaining and I won’t be talking about it or posting about it via social media. I didn’t want to feel unnecessary temptation during this time because I hadn’t properly prepared. I understood what I was beginning this today, and since my 90 day no sweets no white was ending immediately before I started this I made sure that I dealt with as much of what I had been missing as possible so I can focus as I need to for the next 12 days.

This week I have to get back in the workout groove. All last week I had to give my legs time to heal. I’m not looking forward to my return to the gym. I know it’s going to hurt!

5 minutes

I mentioned that I had a horrific sunburn because of my trip to the beach… Said sunburn is more like sun poisoning. Monday my legs swelled more than Sunday. Yesterday if I didn’t keep my feet up I would swell, and even now I have cankles. I’ll never be pregnant but I can say I have experienced cankles. I had no idea that they hurt.

I met Tiff for dinner last night and I didn’t keep my feet elevated. I went to stand up and it was ridiculous, my cankles looked like a pregnant lady’s. I tried to walk and I could shuffle. I don’t have good legs anyways so with my legs being swollen right now, yuck!!! It’s a really good thing I own several pairs of palazzo pants and a whole bunch of maxi dresses and skirts!

I have been doing the smoothies this week… one for breakfast, one for lunch and then dinner. I have protein powder. Yesterday at GNC I bought this other powder that is supposed to help suppress the appetite. One scoop didn’t really cut it so I’ve used two, marginally better. I’m trying to remember why I want to lose weight because at this point I’m really over it! I think PMS is a factor. Add to that the legs and officially we’re going to say this is just not my week.

Understandably these are first world problems. I recognize I’m blessed to have gone to the beach. I recognize I’m in that week of hormonal swings and aggravation. I have not been able to shave my legs since Saturday. I shave every day, every day, so right now, not being able to, oh my gosh it’s awful!!! (sorry TMI I’m sure)

Today for lunch I really (add that word a few times) wanted sushi! I thought about it long and hard! I have to get on a plane tomorrow. I’m already dealing with swollen legs. The idea of what might happen if I add way too much sodium from soy sauce to my already swollen legs plus airplane, I opted to wait on the sushi. The berry smoothie didn’t quite do anything for me but it was healthy… Since I’m not able to work out right now I really do need to be watching the food intake.

So far I’ve determined peanut butter and berry is not a good combo. Chocolate (dark chocolate almond milk), banana, peanut butter and spinach is a good combo. I just have to ignore the slightly green color. At lunch time I add Greek yogurt which is helpful in keeping me full longer. I was planning to start a Daniel fast for 2 weeks this coming Monday so I’m getting a little bit of a jump start on it. I’ll definitely be enjoying food while in FL so when I get back I’ll be ready to go!

I’ve been at my new job a month and 5 days. It’s a different pace and I really appreciate it! I’ve adjusted to traffic, it’s always going to be difficult I just accept it. If I can maintain the traffic acceptance and manage to avoid the drivers who can’t drive all will be good!

Today is my Friday, I am so excited!!!

for the grace

I find it interesting how often it hits me that I am so thankful! Every time I sign my last name, I’m thankful! Every time I travel to see a girlfriend, I’m thankful! Every time I see something on FB that reminds me of my really awful marriage, I’m thankful!

I know that during my marriage there were times that were not awful. I know that I made the best of a situation that was a challenge. I know that I can look back and say that the pattern repeated, and repeated, and by the time I left I had all the evidence that I needed that the pattern was only going to continue. Do I believe in miracles, absolutely! I believe that God does amazing things! I believe that if my ex would submit and fully surrender and get out of God’s way the outcome would be truly beyond anything I could imagine. The truth is that I still pray for that outcome for his daughter. I want her to have a Dad who is a much better man then her current Dad.

The subject of my marriage still comes up fairly often because it’s all been so recent. I can easily forget that it’s only been 5.5 months since the divorce finalized. When I drove up to VA to visit Jess I thought about what was going on November 2014 the last time I had driven up to visit. I had found out in October 2014 that D was seriously dating someone. I had known all along that it would happen but the reality of it and the pain of it I did not expect. Then because he lied to me, repeatedly, and he was lying to the woman he was with it created this whole other dimension of feelings and emotions. Namely absolute and utter disgust. How could have I ever, how did I not see, did he cheat on me the whole time, and the list of thoughts and feelings resulting from his continued attempts to win me back while lying while seriously dating and ultimately becoming engaged to someone else became more of a challenge to move past then all the initial reasons why I left.

I know his first wife was married to him for long enough that she saw all of the things that I list before leaving, and I saw some before but even more after. She will tell you she stayed too long. I had the benefit of journaling and finding Al-Anon early on. I will always feel that I stayed the exact correct amount of time. I sought the Lord wholeheartedly and He answered me and at just the right time He delivered me.

I’m thankful for the work that God has done in my life. I’m thankful that I’m not where I was. I still find myself offering up a prayer of thanks that I’m not married, that I’m no longer in that situation, that I’ve been set free. I think sometimes, because I have come so far, I get a little frustrated when something still flashes me back, or I have a moment that’s a sheer rush of hatred because a memory hits me. I take the thought captive immediately, I don’t dwell on it. I acknowledge that it did happen. I acknowledge that I felt whatever it was that I felt.

For a long time I was so confused at the absolute peace I felt on my wedding day. There was chaos all around me. There were tense situations between D and everyone else. I knew that I was marrying exactly who I was supposed to that day. I’ve questioned why I accepted things with D that were reasons I broke up with others before him. I’ve come to realize that while God didn’t cause my marriage and while God is always good and always faithful He does allow us to walk through intense challenges. I don’t think he caused the abuse, nor do I think that anyone who is in an abusive situation should stay, I know that He used it in a way that only He can do.

I know that before I got married I tended to be judgmental and at times snarky and often unreasonable. Not always but often enough. I had certain opinions and beliefs and I usually felt, even if I never said it, that I was right. Now, now more often than not the thought I have is “There but for the grace of God there go I”. Meaning I understand now, as I never have before, that I’m only where I am because of God’s grace. I don’t ever want to forget where I’ve been because I recognize that in order to avoid repeating the past I have to learn from it and use it to help guide me for the future.

Girls 2015 Beach Reunion Recap

When I got home from work Wednesday my protein powder had arrived, I do love amazon prime so much!!! I finally made it to the gym Wednesday evening, I ran 4 miles. Then I went to the grocery store and bought Greek yogurt, almond milk, frozen fruit and frozen spinach. 

Thursday I had a shake for breakfast that I made in the blender. I learned that trying to break apart frozen spinach is not possible. I used a banana, peanut butter powder, protein powder, spinach and dark chocolate almond milk. It wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had either.

Lunch time on Thursday I went to Kohls and I bought a bullet blender, so far not impressed at all. It doesn’t seem to be able to handle ice and I end up with huge ice chunks. However Thursday’s lunch time shake was better than breakfast. I did have popcorn (healthy version) and a handful of nuts in addition to the shakes. Dinner time Margs was in town so we went to Macado’s I love that place so much! Service is typically not awesome but the food is consistent. I didn’t eat the bread, but I did eat the homemade potato chips.

Friday morning I made a shake before we left. We were on the road by 7:45 for Wilmington. We met our friend Christina through Children of the American Revolution. We travelled together on national tour during the summers of 1996 and 1997 and I travelled on tour 1998 with Christina but Margs didn’t travel that summer.

We met Christina at her house. I love how as much time has gone by my friends are still my friends. It’s like no time has gone by at all, except now they have kids and husbands and houses and they have to pay bills and stuff like that. We followed Christina to a place called Flaming Amy’s. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! If you are in Wilmington, NC this is a must visit!!! The food is AMAZING!!! I want to go back just to eat there again! It’s on the same level as my favorite place here in Charlotte, Cabo Fish Taco.

We spent about 2 hours talking before we had to say goodbye. Then we drove on in to Carolina Beach. This trip was planned several months ago. Brandy and Michelle lived next door to me freshman year at App. Margs lived on the 4^th floor but she often visited my room and got to know Brandy and Michelle. Having lunch with Christina was a bonus that we were able to get scheduled!

We found our little place that was across the street from the beach. We couldn’t check in until 4 so we made a visit to the ABC store (in NC you can only buy liquor from ABC stores) and then went to the grocery store. By this time it was almost 4 so we went back to the house and started unloading. 

Michelle arrived with her adorable little miniature schnauzer whose name is Max. He’s a year old and I LOVED him!!! Brandy arrived a little while later. She jumped in the shower, Margs and I went to the store and picked up a few more things and then we all walked down to dinner.

Our first night we went to a place called Sea Witch. We decided to share a bunch of appetizers. They had a band that started playing and they were not good so we paid up and walked down to Fat Pelican. Fat Pelican is this super fun little dive bar. They only sell beer and wine, the bar is old, the floors are a mix of cobblestone and sand. It’s super popular and we enjoyed sitting outside talking to each other!

Saturday morning I went for a run. It was so gorgeous out! I got back and took a shower and Brandy and I went to the store for food and to pick up beach chairs. When we got back Brandy made sandwiches for everyone and we loaded up the cooler and walked across the street to the beach. I made the comment on our way to the ocean, I love my life!!! We were all so happy to see each other and we all were having the absolute best time!!! We had a picture perfect NC beach day!!! There is just something so amazing about the beach! After sitting for a while I got up and took a walk. I can’t be on the beach and not take a walk to soak it all in!

At about 2:30 Margs and I agreed we would go in at 3. We knew we needed to get out of the sun. Unfortunately for me I neglected to use sunscreen on my legs. I forgot the rule at the beach it doesn’t matter that your legs never get sun you will get burned at the beach.

I took a shower and got dressed for dinner. We went to a place called Ocean Grill. The food was ok but sitting out on the deck and looking at the ocean and having the wind in our hair was amazing!!! We went back to the house and I had to change. I had worn pants and I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I put on a pair of shorts and we made our way back to the Sea Witch. The band playing Saturday night was way better! Margs and I even went down and danced for a few songs.

Unfortunately the sun burn was getting progressively worse. I went to bed Saturday night and I had to get up a few times because I did stay very well hydrated but OH MY GOSH pain like no other!!! I literally would have crawled but I knew the floors were too sandy and that would be worse. I would sit up, wait a minute, stand up, wait a minute, hold on to things as I made my way the few steps and then repeat. By the time I was up for good Sunday morning I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it because my legs were swollen and walking was a challenge. I googled sun poisoning and followed the recommendation for ibuprofen.

Margs and I said good bye to Brandy and Michelle. We definitely want to try and make this a yearly thing! We left for Charlotte around 9:30. We stopped for lunch half way. She dropped me off and headed back to SC. I spent the rest of yesterday alternating with vinegar compresses and coconut oil. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take my skin to recover!

I maxed out the ibuprofen dosage earlier in the day so before I went to bed I took acetaminophen, I had to, I can’t explain the level of pain!!! The shower last night was AWFUL!!! I feel like the world’s biggest wimp but this burn is no joke!!!

My overall eating at the beach was reasonable. I was conscientious without being obnoxious. I ordered a veggie burrito at Amy’s and it was incredible! Friday night appetizers we ordered tuna nachos as one of our apps and that one was reasonable. Saturday’s sandwich was turkey on whole grain. Saturday night I had fish tacos that had blackened fish. I did order a crispy artichoke heart appetizer that we all shared but 4 of us shared it so we got 2 pieces each. Yesterday I did have a cheat day, including a brownie. I was in such misery I just didn’t care.

Today I’ve had shakes (or smoothies might be the better description) for breakfast and lunch. Working out is going to be off the table for several days at least!

flags, reset, research, work

Yesterday I was in my yahoo email looking for an email in my sent folders. I apparently had already deleted the years previous to 2011 but all of 2011 was still there. I read an email to D, and I cringed. After I read that one, and moved it to the D folder, I deleted the rest of the emails in that folder.

It's interesting what you can see from the perspective of after the fact. Looking back I can understand the flags that were all over the place before I got married. I was talking to Tiff last night and interestingly enough part of our conversation was about understanding what to look for in the initial first dates phase. I think now, better than ever before, I can understand the process of determining the make or breaks when it comes to initially getting to know someone.

Last night I was going to go to the barbell strength class at the gym but I got home and I was tired and then I started researching something on amazon and I never made it back out again. I’m a little (or lot right now) discouraged about where I am with weight and size etc. I try to not focus or dwell on it but I really am irritated that I can’t figure out a way to move the scale in the right direction. So thanks to amazon I have a protein shake mix arriving at my house tomorrow. I have the beach trip this weekend so not sure exactly how this will work but I’m wondering if maybe somehow I can “reset” my body to actually let go of some weight.

The initial research started because Patrice was looking for something and I was helping her. I have an innate ability to research and find a lot of information. She will tell me she can’t find anything and I will research and find tons of stuff. I sometimes amaze myself at the information I can find via the internet!

This morning I had my first solo underwriting call. I did ok. I’m not thrilled with how it went but in all honesty a lot of the standard questions that are typically asked did not apply to the company I was talking to. Fortunately my assistant jumped in and helped me and overall we were able to get the information we needed.

Overall I’m so excited about my job and how very very cool that it is I would think it’s too good to be true except for the traffic I deal with!

5 Minutes

I tried on my formal dress last night to make sure the shoes I thought would work actually worked, they do. I about had a moment though. I’m not sure what was going on but my mom was struggling to get the dress zipped. I haven’t gained any weight (haven’t lost any either) so I don’t know why it was such a challenge last night. Regardless, it still fits, the shoes work, and in a week and 2 days I’ll be boarding the plane for FL!

Last week wasn’t as crazy busy and even the weekend which was decidedly over booked at the beginning of the week definitely eased up by the end of the week. I had a 10K Saturday morning. I pushed super hard to the point where the final half mile of the race I couldn’t run the last hill. The entire course is fairly “hilly” and the final mile has an uphill portion that I forget about until the moment I’m facing it and hating life and wondering why I keep doing this to myself!

I was supposed to go down to one of the farms to go shooting with a friend of mine but it had been so rainy we postponed that. I was supposed to take my friend Nicole out to dinner but she was sick so that got cancelled. I rarely go see movies but War Room was on a short list of movies I really really wanted to see! I asked my Mom if she wanted to go with me and we had a movie date on Saturday afternoon.

Sunday I went to the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and I had the 1 year old nursery during the 11. We had 8 babies, it was a little crazy at times! We had 2 of the older girls from the kid church (they were 11 or 12 I’m guessing) come in to help us. OK so I’ve been in nursery since I was at least 11 and keeping nursery on my own since I was 12. I was shocked (and panicked honestly) when one of the girls picked up a toddler underneath her rear end. I said please support her back she could easily fall backwards. These 2 just really didn’t seem to be able to understand how to help or what was needed and I was surprised. Next time I know of a young lady who is really good and I’ll be requesting that they go bring her back.

After nursery I met one of my small group girls for lunch to catch up with her. Then after I dropped her off at home I went home and fell asleep. Nursery is exhausting!!!

Last night I got to have dinner with the lady who was filling in at my previous company while they were looking to replace the operations director position. I always liked her and once I handed in my notice I was like now we can finally go to dinner. It was awesome to catch up with her! She and I are the same age. I’m not sure how often she’ll be back to NC since they found a replacement but I’m glad we got to have dinner last night!

This week I’m so excited! Thursday night Margs comes to town and Friday morning we are driving to the beach. My freshman year of college there were 2 girls who lived beside me. We’ve all stayed in touch but it’s been a really long time since we’ve seen each other. So this weekend we are having a reunion at the beach! I found an awesome deal through Airbnb and booked the place several months ago. It’s finally here!

I know I said I wasn’t going to do the online dating thing, and I wholeheartedly meant it. I’m not going to lie I’ve contemplated it several times over recently. The truth is for the next 8 weeks my life is way too crazy and insanely busy to try and add anything else to the mix. I also recognize and understand that I’ve only been officially divorced since April. I’ve had dates that have been fun and awesome and have made me realize that I don’t want to rule out dating but the flip-side of this is I’m really and truly happy right where I am.

I think I’ll give myself a lot more time to just enjoy where I am. Once I’ve passed the year anniversary of my divorce if I’m not already dating someone and haven’t dated anyone for a while I might have to reconsider my no online dating stance…. We’ll see. I know I have to be careful about trying to force my own solutions and my time line. I think I’ve realized that I need to stop making these kinds of “rules or decisions” for myself and allow for flexibility and re-considerations.

90 days and acceptance

Back on July 1 Patrice and I started a 90 day challenge where we agreed to do no sweets and for me no white bread type items. She has a spokes-model event she's doing down in FL and she needed to lose the rest of the baby W weight. I'm a good friend... or I didn't think it would be a bad thing for me to do with her and I knew it would help me too.

I knew when I started the challenge that I was not likely to lose any weight. I did a year of no sweets and I didn't lose any weight. Sure enough we're almost to the end of this 90 days and I've still not lost any weight at all.

I really hate the scale! Clearly weight has been a lifelong struggle. I've written countless posts about weight and exercise  and frustrations and aggravations.

I work out regularly. I can look back at my calendar and see how consistent I am with working out. I currently have even dropped a size in my clothing, but my weight is 20 lbs above my goal weight.

Even knowing that Patrice has had to add some things back to her diet because she's nursing and that forces you to consume more calories I've still kept to the no sweets. I've not been as strict regarding the no white but I did forgo the bagel this past weekend and last week at work and bagels are one of my very favorite things!!!

When I don't step on the scale I'm actually fairly happy about where I'm at. But then I step on the scale and I see the number and I can look in the mirror and suddenly find countless things that I am unhappy with.

I wish I didn't care. I wish that I didn't have to be so aware. The truth is because of the long struggle with bulimia I deal with thoughts that come out of nowhere. Especially over these past few weeks. I'm not sure why they've been creeping up and pouncing on me so frequently. Thoughts like you know you could eat whatever you wanted again and you would still be able to lose weight... You know you're so fat... You know you won't ever be able to lose weight again unless you're throwing up... I made it to the one year mark and I thought it was going to be behind me, nope!

Then there's the factor of uncertainty about the future. So instead of eating a pizza and throwing up to feel better I have to work through the emotion. I have to accept that I don't know what my future holds. I have to remember that I'm thankful to be right where I am. I have to remind myself that I have an amazing life! I remind myself that this freedom that I've had for over a year now is a good thing.

I don't take lightly how far I've come! I don't take lightly the amazing blessings in my life! I don't want to always deny myself sweets but I recognize I have to find a balance. I'd like to say I can completely accept myself right where I am, but I don't. I'm working on it, I'm in the best place I've probably ever been, but if I'm honest I can list out everything that's completely wrong.

This has been a long journey. Food is necessary and I'm working to find a balance. I'm working to accept that I might not ever lose this 20 lbs and hit my goal weight. Considering that I'm 36 it's probably more likely that I won't lose that weight. I'm healthy. I'm in fantastic shape. I'm in the kind of shape that allows me to go out for a girls night on Friday night and still run 4.5 miles the next morning. Which, I could probably lose weight if I didn't drink so much beer but I would rather have the beer and the food and enjoy those things then forgo them and be a smaller size. It just comes down to priorities!

Accepting where I am

I drove to northern VA to visit my friend Jess this past Friday. Driving up I thought about the last visit in November 2014 and what was going on. I had found out about D's girlfriend. He had tried to tell me that he wasn't moving on and that he would always love me, blah blah blah.

I love where I am now. I'm incredibly thankful that God has done such a work in me that I'm in the place where I currently am! I don't take lightly the freedom that I walk in.

I couldn't help but remember that drive and the emotions from last year. I've said this before but with the way my marriage ending played out when I left I was not angry or upset. I'd already forgiven him for what had happened and I was done. I've had to work to forgive and let go of the major lies and attempts to manipulate that took place once I was gone and even more so let go of how things have been handled with his daughter. When I left him I was done but I still believed he was a good person. By the time it was all final I won't put into writing exactly what I think about him, suffice to say none of it is positive and I would use words that I never use and are more suited to a sailor.

When I think about my life now I understand how unbelievably fortunate I am. I have a life that I literally think I should pinch myself to make sure that it's real. Jess and I had a conversation this weekend about how once we let go of how we thought it should look and realized that the current view was awesome life suddenly became way more enjoyable!

In my marriage I kept trying to appreciate the good stuff. Unfortunately there was not enough good and the abuse began to outweigh the positive. I get hit with flashbacks and I have to stop and take a minute. I hate this! I hate that I can't just have it all behind me and that there are still scenes that will flash in my mind and take my breath away. The flip side, I've only been divorced since April. It takes time. I've done a lot of work and I'm in an amazing place and I give God all the glory. I also have to remember that it hasn't been that long since I've been out of it.

My visit this weekend I loved! I absolutely love the chaos of 4 kids, the loudness, the craziness, they are all really really awesome kids and I look forward to these visits. It also throws me into a weird place. Because I'm just not sure what my future holds. I love my job, it's fantastic! I can't imagine trying to factor kids into the equation. I understand that it's important to live in the now and appreciate exactly what I have and believe me I totally do! But there is this flip side of my brain that still contemplates the marriage and kids part of life. I have way better controls in place and I no longer feel this driving need to get married. I've been married it was the worst thing ever, I'll gladly be single for the rest of my life to never repeat that awfulness again. Yet.... I also understand that marriage can be a really good thing too. So there is that belief that it can exist and be not awful, not perfect, but overall a good thing...

It's looking like my dating pattern is 2 dates and they fall off the face of the earth. I've done lots of praying. I've already accepted that this particular area of my life is the one I struggle the most to control. I've already prayed that whatever God has next I completely and totally trust in His plan and I will stay out of His way and seek Him wholeheartedly. I've genuinely liked these 2 guys who I have met. I also recognize that I have only been divorced since April and I'm doing amazing and I'm thankful for where I am but I will live my life recognizing that God's timing is certainly not mine! Tiff gave my a key chain for my birthday that says, God's timing is perfect! She could not have given me a better gift!

I would love to believe that I will eventually get married again but even if I don't I know that whatever God has planned is going to be incredible!!!

work, working out, travel

I have the time to sit down and write and I have 3 posts circulating in my head. One post for all my thoughts would be way too much!

The Friday after I wrote I picked up my friend Chelsea on Friday afternoon. I met her through my friend Paula. Chelsea was flying in to NC this past spring to go to the Downtown Abbey thing at The Biltmore. Paula couldn't pick her up so I agreed to meet her and take her to dinner until Paula could get there.

Chels is amazing and of course I fell in love with her and we had a fantastic time at dinner. Her visit to NC was just what she needed and when she returned back to college (she was here during spring break) she applied to UNC Charlotte and was accepted. She moved to campus in August and has started her junior year there.

I wanted her to see Southpark area because I love it and when you are in University area it's easy to stay there and never venture out and that's not what I wanted for her. So I gave her several different options and she picked one and I picked her up and we hung out and caught up with each other.

I love that I'm able to pick her up, take her to dinner, hang out, and it not be a major battle because my spouse is a huge jerk about it. When my friend Lisa lived in Charlotte I didn't see her nearly as often as I would have liked because I was married to someone who made life ridiculously difficult! Ugh!

Saturday morning I went to Bikini Bootcamp and then went home and got ready and Mom and I went to High Point to see the boys. They are just so precious and they change so fast and it was awesome to spend a few hours with them!

Saturday evening we met with friends at Captain Steve's, sometimes there is just no better place to be on a Saturday then Captain Steve's!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service, 11 nursery. I was in the 1 year old room with my friend Nancy and I loved catching up with her! I love that my church is so home to me that I can walk in and see all these people that I know and yet I'm still good with the fact that I sit alone during the service most of the time.

After church I ran home for a few minutes to take Jack out. Then I had a party with the organization I volunteer with. After the party I met an old friend of mine for dinner. She's another friend who I have known since church nursery days. She and I haven't stayed in contact over the years like Patrice and I have but we've reconnected over the past few years and she's a friend who I really love so much and I love what her story is, she's another example of God absolutely making something so broken into a completely new beautiful story.

Last week at work I felt more acclimated. I think I'm starting to understand more. I'm definitely excited about what we do! I think I pretty much have the coolest job ever now and I'm thrilled!

Monday night I met my friend at the gym for a run. Tuesday morning I got up early and went to the gym to do strength training. Wednesday morning I was going to get up to go run but I hurt and I didn't feel up to it. So instead I slept in and I took Jack for a walk that evening.

Thursday morning I did get up and go to the gym for a run. Then Thursday evening that allowed me to pack, mostly. I was leaving to visit my friend Jess on Friday morning.

After my oil change I hit the highway and made my way for a weekend visit.