Catching up on Christmas

I returned to work last Thursday and while I was 100% it was do-able. Friday was better than Thursday. I left work on Friday to pick Audra up.

We had our Christmas with her Friday night. She loved the dress up clothes, the Holiday Barbie, and most of all she LOVED her refurbished Kindle. We had already downloaded her favorite apps. She spent the rest of the evening on her Kindle.

Saturday morning I was up bright and early to drive to downtown/uptown Charlotte. I was running the Belk Bowl 5K with my friend Nicole. I was early enough that I got in a 30 minute nap before she arrived at our designated parking garage.

It was a beautiful clear cold morning for running. Because I had the flu earlier in the week I had no goal in mind other than just running. Because of the optimal temp, and the flat course I realized I could actually do really well for this race. So I pushed pretty hard all the way through it. I had nothing left to sprint out the finish and I wish I would have because I could have shaved time off my finish.

28:19 was my chip time this averages to a 9:07 per mile pace. Once I started running I was hoping to break 9 but I'll take that one and give myself the goal of breaking under 9 again in 2014. I ran an under 9 minute mile race in 2010 at the Airport 5K in October. I know that I can, I just have to train for it. First I have to get through my March half marathon.

After the race I drove home for a shower, and we took Audra back to her mom so she could go do Christmas with her mom's side in Hickory. Daron and I went to Marshalls so he could find some clothes. We both received gift cards as part of our Christmas from his parents.

I was so exhausted when we got home I took a nap, and I was in bed before 9. I guess I might have pushed it a little hard running the race.

Sunday morning I had nursery and then we got Audra for a few hours. We went to Daron's parent's house so they could watch her open her Christmas presents. She got several sets of legos, 3 Barbie movies, boots, and Barbie accessories. I've got to purchase something for her to store all of her legos in. I also probably need to find something for her to store her Barbie stuff in. Currently it all sits in a box and I think she needs something better.

Daron took Audra back to her Mom and I took my car to Sams for a tire rotation and because my tire light had come on. Turns out I had a leak, which they fixed. They also replaced my windshield wipers for me.

I'm at work today and off tomorrow and Wednesday. I love the Holidays! I was about to say it will be hard returning to reality but I realized that I have the following Friday off so I can get everything done before Audra's birthday party.

The Christmas that wasn't

Friday evening I finished wrapping almost everything. Saturday morning I went for a 6 mile run with Jack. I came home and colored my hair. I knew there would be a lot of pictures and I wanted to make sure that my hair looked good.

Daron wanted to visit a sandwich place for lunch and directly across from it there was a winery so it was a fun afternoon of lunch and then wine tasting for me. We met a coworker of mine because she had my Avon order. I was starting to feel a little off, scratchy throat, achey, not sure what was going on.

Early on Sunday morning I woke up with chills and when I took my temperature it was 102. Sunday I spent the whole day on the couch. Monday I would have spent the same way except I went to the doctor.

Monday morning the weather was awful. Pouring down rain made the drive into Charlotte terrible! I almost spun out trying to get off the exit from Independence onto Wendover. I made it to my doctor appointment with 5 minutes to spare and then waited an additional 25 minutes because they were so busy.

I had to go from Concord over to Huntersville for the Tamiflu that the doctor prescribed. I left the house at 9:40 on Monday morning and I got home around 3. The rest of the day I was in bed. I had pulled out our couch bed so that I didn't share germs with Daron.

My original plan for Monday had been to spend the day with Mom helping to get everything ready for Christmas.

Tuesday was Christmas Eve. I had planned for a long run, that didn't happen. I spent the day on the couch. Daron's dad dropped off dinner and presents and picked up the presents we had for his family. Our original plan had been the 4pm church service and then going to his parent's at 6.

Christmas morning was supposed to have been with Audra opening presents and then hosting our families and Amy for a Christmas breakfast. Instead Daron went over to see Audra and took the presents we had for Amy and Audra's brother.

We did end up watching 2 Christmas movies yesterday afternoon that were cute. I was in bed by 8. This flu thing is no joke!

Fortunately I have been with no fever for more than 24 hours so I was able to come back to work this morning. I'm definitely moving a little slower than usual! I know that if I had to get the flu, coming down with it when I did have so many consecutive days off work was probably the most ideal time. It was just hard to cancel all my Christmas plans!

At some point in the near future I know I'll celebrate and be able to give my family their presents. Margs called me from Canada on Monday and told me in the next 3 months they will be back in the States which pretty much almost makes up for the missed out Christmas knowing that she is going to be back in driving distance!

I missed my nephews first Christmas and I am thankful that there are lots of pictures so even though I couldn't be there I still have pictures!

The questions

I know Christmas is less than a week away and while I'm excited I just read a post that left me asking myself some familiar questions.

One of the blogs I follow just shared about life with a newborn and a toddler who is trying to adjust and how she is adjusting. She ended by saying that all the seasoned mama's were right about falling in love with the second like you did the first.

I've read so many first time mom's getting ready to be second time mom's talk about this fear that they won't love the second as much as the first and I think about how often this topic comes up in the blog world. I fear that since I don't ever plan to give birth I will never really understand this question and the real fears behind it.

I love Audra. I would put myself in front of any bodily harm that might come to her. I fear that I don't love unconditionally and that because I don't plan to ever give birth I will never understand how to show understanding over things like wetting the bed at night.

I am in an odd place. I've been writing all week long, but none of the posts are suitable for this place. My thoughts and feelings are jumbled and I am praying and seeking and doing my best to humble myself as I try to make the right decisions for me.

I read posts by mom's and I am haunted by the question, how do I feel that I will never know this.

As much as I love Audra, and as much as I am her Lori, I am not her mommy. Before I got married I was pretty sure that giving birth, or adoption, would be in my future. Likely adoption because I truly don't have any desire whatsoever to go through being pregnant.

Based on many different reasons I've consistently answered the "when are you guys going to have a baby question" with oh we're good with just one, one is expensive that is all we can afford or some other similar type answer. There is a part of me that doesn't want to miss out on the whole baby experience. I know that where I am currently I would never ever ever bring a baby into the way things are.

The honest truth is I LOVE children. I love reading the stories, and following the lives, and there is just something special about babies, toddlers, children, adolescents and even teenagers. I love my turns in the church nursery.

I'm looking from the outside in and questioning am I really going to be able to accept the choices that I am making.

Stream of Thought

For about .02 seconds I thought oh my goodness I'm totally on top of my Christmas game. Then I remembered that I have not yet purchased the gifts for friends who I usually exchange gifts with. That list has condensed now to just Patrice, Margs and Nicole but regardless I still have 3 more gifts left.

Patrice and Margs are easy, they are out of town, hence they will receive from two of my favorites and theirs, Margs will get an Amazon e gift card and Patrice one from Vic Secret. They don't read this, so I'm no worried about them finding out what their gifts will be.

Nicole is receiving a Marshalls gift card and I'm done. I know that some consider gift cards impersonal; I consider them a delightful way to bestow upon someone the opportunity to splurge on themselves!

I will say that I am much better prepared for Audra's birthday this year. I think this is the first year that I already have her presents purchased and much of her party already planned. That said, last week in Boone she informs me she wants a mermaid party.

I know that this request stems from the party that her friend L had that was a Little Mermaid theme party. I told Audra that no she is going to have a princess party and she is going to have so much fun with her friends. She is 4 turning 5 and already wanting to do what her friends do, that concerns me just a little bit. She was gung ho for her princess party up until the mermaid party and then suddenly she changes her mind, what???

I know that her party is going to be great and her friends will have fun and this will all be a memory, it just surprised me that this came up.

In other Audra news she has officially moved up a shoe size. I had a huge bag of size 11 shoes that I gave away at the beginning of fall. Her mom mentioned a few weeks ago that they had measured her foot and she had measured a 12 1/2. Last week she put her foot on a carpet measure and measured for a 13… So I have some shoes that have been worn once, some only a handful of times, and I am trying to determine if I am going to give them away, or sell them to the consignment store.

Fortunately I didn't buy a crazy amount of shoes. I had one pair that still had the tag, and I still had the receipt and I was able to take it back and get full store credit, no refund since it was past 30 days but I'm good with store credit. Decent kid shoes are expensive and my favorite go-to for stride rite was piperlime and they are no longer going to sell kid's shoes, which makes me very sad! I'll be checking out zappos and amazon for sure!

This week I made it to Abs and Booty on Monday, out for a run with Jack on Tuesday and to Shake and Tone on Wednesday. Last night was the women's event at church and tonight I'm planning to take Audra to see a play at her school. Tomorrow morning I'm trying for a long run. I'm a little apprehensive since I didn't do a long run last weekend but I will just see how I do and not put any expectations on myself.

I will be going to the gym for my run since they are calling for rain all weekend.

Happy Friday!!!

5 Minutes

Friday I left work an hour early and went to pick Audra up. Friday evening was low key and easy.

Saturday morning she and I left our house and drove to pick Lisa up.

We made our way up the mountain, only to find out on our way into Boone that it was the day of the Christmas parade. Fortunately I knew the way around and it gave me an excuse to drive through a part of campus.

We arrived and figured out where to park. The usual lot where I park was not accessible thanks to the parade. We stopped by the bridal store but Donna was already gone. So we found her at the antiques store behind her store.

After browsing through a few antiques and saying goodbye to Donna we decided to grab lunch.

Black Cats is a little Mexican type hole in the wall that has been around since I was in school there. I enjoy it and we all enjoyed a delicious lunch.

We wandered in and out of a few stores on King Street. We walked over to the App bookstore and I purchased an ornament for the Christmas tree. Audra was less than impressed but I told her maybe someday she will go to school and walk the campus. I can dream!

We headed back down the mountain and dropped Lisa off and drove home.

Sunday morning I woke up and it felt like my throat was on fire. I still made it to church but I didn't get a run in. I rested, and was super lazy!

Monday night I did abs and booty, it's Wednesday and my abs are so sore!!! Last night I ran with Jack and went to my meeting. I don't talk about it as much but I still am so very very thankful for my Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting!!!

Tonight I'm going to shake and tone. I bought unlimited classes for the month of December and I plan to fully take advantage of this wonderful thing!

Tomorrow night I have the ladies night at church, Friday night I'm hoping to take Audra to a play at her school. Saturday will likely have something going on and then Sunday. You know, the usual.

Happy hump day!!!

Life on the go

Yesterday afternoon I left work and drove to North Charlotte to pick up Jack's flea prevention. I love Jack Banner, he is the best Valentine's present ever! I hate fleas so the drive yesterday was totally worth the little bit of stress.

I'm so thankful that I don't have to regularly travel 77 and 85 for work. It's ridiculous how the traffic is during rush hour. In all honesty it's not as bad as other big cities. I realize that Charlotte is small potatoes compared to other big cities, but still, I am thankful that I don't have to regularly commute those highways!

I made it to the clinic and home by 5:30. I jumped in the car with Daron and we were off to Audra's Christmas program.

On our way there we had words about why my husband can't just wait for an oil change like a normal person. It's always lovely to be walking into something, like a school Christmas program, with a look on you face like you want to smack your husband. I'm pretty sure that was what my face looked like.

The program was very well done. It reaffirmed once again just how much I love Audra's school.

I'm so glad that they did the program at night, it makes it so much easier for working parents, stepmoms, to get there!

This afternoon I have to pick Daron up from the dealership where he is dropping his car off and then we are picking Audra up. I am so excited for my trip tomorrow!

Happy Friday!

Thoughts of Thursday

I saw something on FB that said welcome to NC where we wear boots one day and flip flops the next. It's actually true. Last week I woke up and ran in weather temps in the 20's. This morning I got in my car in a short sleeve dress and my car read 60…

We have a cat that has taken up residence underneath the porch of the empty house beside us. Our neighbor across the street feeds it. Last night I got home from cleaning my parents. I vacuumed and then I was giving Jack some attention. I saw a flea. I put him in the tub and 3 fleas came off him. I used the hair dryer on him, much to his chagrin. I found another flea after that.

At almost 9 I was driving to Walmart for flea stuff. I texted my Uncle from the store asking if any of the options would work, his response not well. So I bought stuff because I can't handle the idea of fleas and today after work I'm stopping by the clinic to pick up flea stuff that works.

I believe that the cat next door is creating this flea problem. In the past 2 years I've stopped treating for fleas after October and I start again in March. Apparently I'm going to have to start treating year round, and that's expensive.

This morning I needed to iron my dress. Unfortunately I had the iron too hot. I immediately burned a hole in the dress, and because of time and where the burn is I wore the dress anyways, hopefully I'm the only one who notices.

My voice is back today, thankfully.

Audra has her Christmas program at school tonight. Tomorrow I am leaving work early to pick her up. Saturday I am excited for a trip to Boone with Lisa!

Voice

Yesterday after work I had to stop by Concord Mills (big indoor outlet mall type place). Audra and I met Vada there last Saturday and I purchased a few things, and decided to take a few back. I was bummed to realize the adorable ballet flats that I purchased from Gap were not the right size, and I bought a shirt from ON that was the wrong color for me.

I made it in and out in less than 30 minutes.

I mentioned that I had my last therapy appointment 2 weeks ago. I feel that the sessions were extremely helpful. I've been dealing with a myriad of thoughts. I get resentful that I can't eat whatever I want, because really it's just so easy to deal with. I felt like a big huge cow all last week, which is never pleasant.

I ran Thanksgiving, went to Turkey Burn Friday, ran Saturday, went for a walk Sunday, went to Abs and Booty Monday and ran again last night.

Yesterday I researched how many calories I need as a runner. I was able to find information that helped me understand how many calories I need on days that I don't run, and how to figure out the number of calories needed for days when I do run. This information is going to help me a lot since before this I had the number 1200 stuck in my head for how many calories I should have. This is not the correct number, and I can actually have a few more than this.

I've talked often about my voice loss. I've always just attributed it to stress, working in restaurants, and I'm sure all of that has factored in. My reality is for 13 years, off and on and especially over the last 4 years, I would throw up multiple times a day.

When asked why I lose my voice I chalk it up to allergies, the weather, the sore throat, and yes those are triggers but I'm not going to actually throw out the actual reason.

I lost my voice Sunday afternoon, I kept nursery for the 11 service and unfortunately I do usually lose my voice if I have nursery for that time slot.

I had a scratchy throat on Monday, and I lost my voice.

Today I was sitting in a meeting, and I knew from the start of today I would likely lose my voice. The weather has gone from crazy cold to 60's and supposed to be in the 70's by the end of the week and rainy. Welcome to NC weather. This contributes to the scratchy throat again today, and my voice being gone.

In all honesty I'm wondering if I need to go see a specialist. In 2006 I went to see an EENT doctor, and basically there was no reason for me losing my voice. I didn't feel the need to mention my dirty little habit especially if nothing was showing up on the camera that was in my throat.

Fast forward 7 years and probably a lot more damage has been done. It's been 2 months, which isn't a long time, so if I'm still losing my voice as frequently as I currently am after 6 months I will likely make an appointment.

Life in our house

This weekend Audra informed us that she wants to be on TV. She talked about being on stage for her ballet recital. She talked about her love for dance.

She still talks about ballet like she went to class yesterday, and it's been since May that she's had class.

Instead of ballet classes I bought her bed, and I'm paying for school, and if I could I would pay for ballet but this year it's just not happening. It makes me sad, because I love watching her as much as she loves dancing.

Sunday morning I curled her hair for church. I put her in a chair in front of my standing mirror and let her watch. She has a habit of making faces in mirrors, or in general, and I told her she needed to start practicing making pretty faces. I told her if she was going to be on TV she needs to practice. She said she changed her mind and she doesn't want to be on TV then.

I've thought a lot recently about G. I think because of the fact that Audra is the same age now as G was when I was a part of her life. I used to let G help me bake, on a regular basis. I don't offer the same for Audra. Audra doesn't have the concentration or patience and I don't bake as much as I did when I was with CF.

I spend significantly more time with Audra one on one than I did with G. I believe the reason is because of the relationship that I have with Amy. We are very different but we appreciate each other, and I think that's why it works for us.

Last night I was going through pictures and saw that D had uploaded several years of I Phone pictures. Baby pictures of Audra up to this year. He had to unload them from his phone because he was running out of space. I browsed the pictures and fortunately he does have documentation of Audra between 2-3 years old. I may snag a few and upload the pictures. I felt a lot of emotion going through the pictures because of where I was, and what life was like.

There was a picture that was from the night that I think of as when all he11 broke loose in our house. I thought about it and this morning I made sure I went and deleted it and deleted it from the recycle bin. I just don't want any pictures of that night. I'm also always struck by how much Audra has changed, as well as my nieces. Sometimes it's hard to know how fast they grow up. I looked at the little faces in nursery Sunday and realized how quickly they are changing. I've been volunteering for a year now, so even in that year I've watched some of them grow.

Currently in our house there is disagreement over the setting of the heat. When I lived in my condo I kept the heat pretty low and just wore clothes. My husband wants to wear shorts, and turn the heat up. The Christmas pictures that I posted on FB he's in jeans and a sweater, Audra is in long sleeves a dress and leggings and I'm in shorts and a tank top because our house was like a flipping sauna.

I put the electric blanket underneath the fitted sheet on D's side so that he can have heat, and yet he still thought we would leave the heat on the same setting. I stood my ground. His blanket heat travels, which is bad enough, add to that having the heat set near 80 and it's ridiculous. Last night I put my foot down, and lowered the heat. I bumped it back up this morning when I woke up so he wouldn't wake up to a cold house. My philosophy is you can put clothes on if you are cold!

I went to Abs & Booty class last night. You know it was a good workout when you put your first step on the stair at work and you realize you are a little sore. Then later on in the morning I sneezed and my abs hurt. Not a pain that is unreasonable just enough to know that I did something!

Happy Tuesday!

5 Minutes

I hope that everyone had a marvelous Thanksgiving!

According to map my run I burned 1559 calories on Thanksgiving morning thanks to my 9.64 mile run.

It was really cold, and there were times when it seemed really long, but when it was over I was happy I finished it!

We went to Daron's parent's for lunch. Then we went to my parent's for dinner. I didn't compensate the way I would have in the past, but I wanted to. It keeps hitting me over and over again that all I have to do is just let this go away and welcome all my old habits back, and no one has to be the wiser.

I had my last session with Beth on November 19th. I walked out feeling I had really accomplished something, and then the nagging thoughts of you can just give up and quit trying hit me again and again over the past weekend.

I prepared as best I could, I ran Thursday morning. I kept my plate really light at his parent's since I knew that my parent's dinner would be food I hadn't had in ages. I know that now isn't the time of year to focus on weight loss but I'll be honest that I'm a little concerned at my weight gain.

Friday morning I went over to my parent's to help Mom put up the Christmas tree. Jack Banner went with me and he loved laying on the couches and watching us work. We got the tree put together and mostly decorated.

I left Mom and Dad's at 2:45, home in time to drop Jack off and change for my Turkey Burn class. 30 minutes Zumba, 30 minutes Abs and Booty and 30 minutes shake and tone. Then after the class I picked Audra up from her mom's.

Saturday morning I ran with Jack. It was COLD again! I did 3 miles and then home to get ready for lunch with Vada. Audra and I met her at Concord Mills at 11 for some shopping and lunch. She was up from GA visiting and it was so good to catch up!

After lunch Audra and I went home and we decorated her pink tree and the tree that Daron had which is what I call the "family" tree. I'm glad we put her pink tree up in her room with her decorations and I love our family tree!

I went to the 5 service at church on Saturday night since I had nursery at the 11 the following morning.

Yesterday there were so many kids in nursery, and I thought maybe it would be lighter since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving, nope!

Amy took Audra after church so Daron worked on his website and I took Jack for a walk and then I found out that What Not to Wear is on Netflix and I watched episodes the rest of the afternoon. I LOVE that show! It's now off the air but I've not had cable since 2006 so for me I've never seen these episodes before and it's awesome!

I have Abs and Booty tonight and hopefully tomorrow night I'll get a run in. If I would just give up sugar, and I say this often, and eventually I'm going to have to suck it up and just do it, no matter how much I don't want to.