Beach Trip

Last Friday we packed up our cars and headed to the beach. Daron's friends and their 3 boys joined us. They drove an RV down from Ohio so it was a last minute decision to take my car too because there is no way 8 people could fit in Daron's car.

I picked Audra up from school around lunch time and we headed out. She slept for the first 3 hours of the 4 hour trip. We stopped for a really late lunch and drove on into North Myrtle Beach. We found parking spaces, which was no easy feat. There was a shag festival happening and the amount of traffic and people made it feel like full on summer rather than the end of summer. Mike and Chrissy and the boys arrived and we got their stuff up in the condo.

Daron and I had been at the beach back in January. During a really long walk we found the property that we stayed at for this past visit. There are 4 towers, 3 are located on the beach, the 4th is located directly across the street. There were several pools, a lazy river, and beach front access. When we got back to Charlotte we called and reserved a place for September and invited Mike and Chrissy to join us.

Friday night we talked and caught up. Saturday morning I was up early to go to the gym. They had a nice workout facility located in tower 4. After my workout I took Audra to the beach. The child LOVES the beach and the ocean. We got to the beach at 8:30 and at 10:30 I made her go back upstairs to get something to eat. After she ate I took her down to the pool for another 2 hours, and we went back up to get something to eat. After lunch we went back to the beach again. She would have stayed longer in the afternoon but she was starting to get a rash so I made her go back up around 5.

Sunday morning I was up for a run, I LOVE running at the beach! I didn't run on the beach because the sand would have been too much on my iffy Achilles. After my run I made pancakes for everyone for breakfast. The weather was chilly and windy so the kids started watching a movie. I took advantage of this to head out to the beach for a walk.

That afternoon they did go to the beach and the pool, and we had a good time together. I was able to sneak in quite a bit of reading time which was awesome!

Monday morning we got up early and took Audra out on the beach to go for one last seashell hunt walk. Then I got her dressed and our stuff packed and we headed out at 11 so I could have her back to her mom's by the afternoon. She was so exhausted after the trip she again slept 3 of the 4 hours.

I'm thrilled that we were able to go. I'm glad that everything went smoothly. I'm glad that we had beautiful weather! An added bonus for me was I had Tuesday off as well. So I didn't have to go right back to work after vacation. I picked Jack up from my parents. I had appointments. I was able to decompress before my first day in my new role on Wednesday.

This time around

At the beginning of August I scheduled an appointment to talk to a counselor. I had been struggling with frustrations and I felt stuck. I went in with specifics regarding why I was there, and what I hoped to accomplish.

I had no intention of talking to Beth about my life long weight struggle. I was not there to talk about that and I didn't have any desire to bring it up. I wrote out what I was hoping to work on. She explained to me what she thought might help. EMDR is a fascinating process. As you are asked questions, or you focus on thoughts or feelings your mind works to process and bring resolutions.

The weight struggle is there, it is a factor and EMDR requires your mind to remember things and process through them.  When I started I wanted to avoid talking about that topic but it kept coming up anyways.

For those who have spent any length of time reading this blog, or who know me in real life, I've complained about my weight forever. It's an ongoing frustration that is well documented in this little space. One of my longest ongoing struggles has been something that I've referenced, talked about, and avoided talking about because every time I've tried to confront it I fail.

During my appointment on September 3 I worked with the Beth on processing a situation that happened while I was in college. It had come to light that while this event impacted all my future relationships the feelings I had about myself went much further back. I have no idea why or where this came from. I had a great childhood. I had wonderful parents. I do not understand where all this originated from but it started at some point in time and has followed me ever since.

The following Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and Saturday morning I participated in the women's conference at church. While I was at the conference I was so convicted about the fact that this area of my life, when it came to food and eating, was one that I was so unwilling to let go of.  I live with someone who cooks, and nothing he makes is low fat or low calorie. Even if it was "clean eating" that would probably be more do-able since I realize that the body needs healthy fats in order to recognize feeling full. But basically he cooks what he likes, and it tastes awesome, but there is no way that I could regularly eat what he was fixing and not go throw it up.

I have tried at various times over the past few years to deal with this. When I got to the women's conference as I sat and listened to the messages the conviction that I felt for continuing to ignore this issue was almost overwhelming. It was like there was someone sitting right next to me nudging, nudging, nudging, reminding me that I've handed over everything else but I was resisting letting go of this. The messages were not regarding this issue, at all, but the meaning, of dying to self so that we could fully live was hitting home with me.

Saturday morning as things were wrapping up I went and talked to our women's pastor. She has heard my story for the past 2 years. I have never brought this up to her before, and I told her that I just couldn't ignore it any longer, and I knew that this is something I have to deal with. The thing is it's easy to point out everyone else's issues. It's easy to downplay my stumbling block when I can make it look like I am functioning at full capacity. I left the conference, and started making a conscious effort to really watch what I eat.

My next appointment with Beth was the Tuesday after the conference 9/10. As she was working with me that factor kept bothering me as I tried to avoid it and process everything else. I finally had to stop and explain that for the past 13 years I've been throwing up after I eat (not every time but for the past couple years it's a several times a week thing).  We were pretty much at the end of that session so she told me that we could go a few different directions at our next session.

This past Tuesday 9/17 was that session. At first nothing was coming to the surface. Finally little bits and pieces started coming to mind. I could remember not liking anything to be too tight on me. My mom made me culottes' for preschool because she wouldn't let me wear dresses but I refused to wear pants that buttoned because they were too tight around my middle. I had pictures come up of me when I was little that are pictures that exist but in my mind they have grown distorted and what I see in those pictures probably isn't what anyone else sees.

After a session my mind continues to process. After Tuesday's session the amount of processing and the myriad of emotions were unpleasant. I struggled more after that appointment than at any time over the past 2 weeks. I guess by pulling all this to the forefront and really examining it, it is not supposed to be comfortable or pleasant. I hate feeling hungry, and because I'm being so careful about what I eat I feel hungry a lot! I know all the tips and tricks. This is not my first venture into being healthy.

Since nothing else has worked in the past I have to allow for the fact that I could fail again. I have an innately lazy streak and by eating whatever I wanted and knowing I had an out it meant I could eat whatever I wanted. I know the risks but they don't mean that much to me. Yesterday the department that I work in had bagels, popcorn, brownies, etc to send me off to my next position. I enjoyed everything, but I tried to not go overboard. I cut way back the rest of the day. I successfully navigated a trigger event.

Writing about this is hard. I have continually failed, and I have believed for so long that it's hopeless and that this is just how it has to be that believing I might actually change this is hard to grasp. I can't predict the future. This time around I would like to believe I'm in a different place. This time around I realize that I'm stronger than I believed possible. So maybe this time around this part of the story might just change instead of staying the same. 

fair, run, group

Friday night we went to the fair. Amy came to the house first and followed us there. I had gone in to change clothes, and I hear Audra on the porch proclaim that "this is the best day my whole family is together".  We had a fantastic time at the fair. We all rode rides and the kids played a few games. They won a few stuffed animals a piece.  We set the limit on how many games they would play so that the cost didn't get too crazy.

I was able to run 9 miles on Saturday morning. This is HUGE! I've been fighting an Achilles injury and my half marathon is a month away. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to pick my mileage back up and still run my half!

I posted a status update on FB talking about a bag full of shoes. Audra went from a 10.5 to a 12, which I wasn't expecting. I thought she would do like she did last year and her foot would be an 11 until at least January if not a little longer.  So I had a collection of size 11 shoes that was somewhat ridiculous considering we only have her on the weekends. In my defense the consignment stores have sales where you buy 1 pair and get 3 free, or buy 3 get 3 free, so that is part of the reason why she had so many. I also shop clearance, and when I see a cute pair of shoes for $5, I'm a sucker. I have promised myself that I am going to do better about this. She simply doesn't need as many pairs as she had.

Saturday afternoon we picked Audra up from Amy and had her for the evening until church Sunday. After church Sunday Daron and I went to lunch and the grocery store and then he worked on his business idea and I took Jack for a walk. I had small group and Daron stayed home working on his business.

We signed up for the same small group that we participated in this summer. I really love the group, the people, and the atmosphere. At first it was a little intimidating to me but I'm starting to feel more comfortable. Amy is a part of the group and Audra loves the "big girls" who keep an eye on the younger kids while the adults meet.

My husband can be (or is) an isolationist. One of the most ongoing disagreements between us is that I refuse to allow myself to be isolated from family and friends. I push back hard on this topic and generally he and I never agree. I simply do what I need to do and I don't ask rather I tell that I am going to go visit, insert friend here, or I have dinner plans with insert friend here. I work to make sure that when I do have plans I schedule things out I can't always keep it spread out but I do my best to try and keep it from being too many things back to back. Example my friend Nicole and I are running the half together, she has plans for a girls night dinner afterwards and I was invited. I had to decline the dinner invitation because if I agreed to that in addition to my race it would be a fight I just don't want to fight. He doesn't realize that I choose these battles.

Last night I had a wonderful time at small group. Group usually last about 3 hours which sounds like a long time but there is conversation, discussion and prayer and when you have 10-12 people sharing it's not going to be short. The message at church yesterday was on building relationships and for group this "semester" we're talking about the sermon as our study format. So we talked about how important relationships are, and why community is important. In all honesty it's sometimes really difficult for me because I realize and understand the necessity of community and I want to be open and honest but there is a lot that is not my story to share. So I find ways to share without using examples. Instead of making it all about how D is the isolationist extreme I simply kept my sharing about me, I figure small group is not the time to vent.

falling into place

I was recently thinking about my marriage. No secret that it hasn't been easy. I've had my share of moments questioning it all.

If I'm really honest it was the best thing that could have happened for me. For the girl whose life was a revolving door of relationships and who found more ways to focus on the negative than the positive marrying way too quickly and suddenly finding myself in a crazy chaos brought me to an uncomfortable place. Suddenly I couldn't fall back on my old habit of just walking away, I had promised he was stuck with me, although I realized that promise might just have to be broken if things didn't change.

If I look at my relationships past and I'm once again completely honest I would have likely found lots of nit-picky things to gripe about. I used to do that about my jobs, until I worked at the job from 2007-2009 and came to understand a few things about life and work. Once I started with my current company suddenly the things that I might have whined about before I had come to realize how very very blessed I was to have the opportunity and instead I focused on other things.

In order to prepare for my first counseling session I went back over the past 2 years' worth of writing. I realized that all along I thought things were getting better and yet in reading it was hard to tell the improvement. Yes D has had to make changes. Yes God has definitely moved mountains and I'm in awe of all that He has done. I have realized that the factor He has changed most over the past 2 1/2 years is me. I've done a lot of praying. I've cried a lot of tears. My prayer has been that He would make me into the woman that He wants me to be. All along God has been faithful, and all along He has been changing me.

I was able to attend the women's conference last week at church. It was a powerful time of worship and teaching. I have been so blessed that God already had Daron at this church before he met me and we have been a part of our church from the very start.

I heard a song in November 2011 by Sanctus Real titled "Whatever You're Doing" The chorus to the song is

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

This song struck such a chord with me then, and I heard it Saturday leaving the last session of the women's conference. I realized the truth of these lyrics for me even more now than when I first heard it. For me it has been so amazing to watch the pieces falling into place and realize that what felt like so much chaos is actually something Heavenly.

highlights

The announcement to my coworkers was made this week that I will be transitioning out of this department. I'm excited for the new opportunity but there is a little part of me that is terrified, because ultimately change terrifies me but I'll get over it quickly!

Monday night I was finally able (we had to reschedule 4 times) to have dinner with my friend Karen. It was amazing catching up with her! She is the one who trained me when I was a hostess at Upstream and she is the one who I would go to church with before I got married. We've now been friends for 8 years. When I met her she was a newlywed. I love her, but our lives are so busy it's hard to get together!

Tuesday night I got a run in with Jack. Wednesday night I cleaned my parents house. Last night I ran with Jack. I went out thinking that the rain was going to stop. It rained the whole run. I usually won't run in the rain but last night it was light enough that I could breathe without sucking in water so I just finished the full 3 miles with Jack. I took him home and immediately put him in the bath tub (that I had just cleaned) and he's looking at me like "really mom????". He was so dirty from the puddles and mud that there is no way I could have not bathed him. I cleaned the tub again after we were finished.

Last night I was talking to Daron about an upcoming trip and I let him know the date. He was thinking it was a week later and I promised him that no, it's this date, and we need to start figuring a few things out.

Tonight we have plans to go to the fair with Audra, Amy and Audra's big brother. Audra has been talking about going to the fair for months and she's going to love having all of us together. We've solved the whole what does she call me question. I told her that I'm her Lori a while back. So now when she talks about me she refers to me as "My Lori". Which is awesome, except when she's telling a story like, My Lori put earrings in my ears and put 2 backs on and it hurt and we had trouble getting them off. The child was constantly losing the backs to her earrings, and would inevitably lose the earring too. So the last set of earrings I bought I put both the metal back and rubber back on that came with the earring. We've figured out that for her the best thing to do is just use the rubber back and it works great.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with the running. I was up to 11 miles but that was a few weeks ago. I'm going to try for a long run tomorrow morning but I have no idea how it will go. I know I can always drop from the 1/2 marathon and run the 5K but I was really set to run the 1/2, STUPID HILLS!

Happy Friday all!!!

Tuesday's Lunch

I've been working with a counselor over the past few weeks now. I originally went to see her because I needed help in processing the life I live. In order to move forward in the present I had to deal with the past, novel concept I know. I have been amazed with the process as we go through my memory, bring things forward, and process them through. My memory does all the work, the images or thoughts come up and fade away. I reach resolutions, and then it's like a weight lifts. Even after the appointment my mind keeps working through things, sorting them out, and processing.

Today I realized that as a little girl I felt I had no voice. It didn't matter that I hated, despised, loathed, abhorred playing softball, I was told I was going to play and that was the end of it. I found ways to circumvent, and go around when I didn't want to do what I was being told. Plenty of times I shoved my stuff under the bed and stayed in my room with a good book. It took me a really long time to learn how to speak up. Even today I would rather write to communicate when it comes to difficult situations. I realize that parents do the best they can, and there are no directions provided. I realize that had I never been pushed to do things I would not have the drive that I do now.

I think more and more I'm learning how to figure out what I can and can't control. I'm learning how to manage the emotions, and struggles. Instead of everything just being a big ball of knotted frustration my mind seems to be better able to stretch things out and look for ways to file for future reference or release entirely what I don't need to hold onto. As I go through this weekly process I feel weight lifted as I let go of what I need to let go of!

who set this standard

These are just a few articles that I pulled from a search using the words normal size model. What got me thinking about this was an article that I read on yahoo last night about a VS model who says that she is no size 0.

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2013/05/h-and-m-swimsuit-model-size-12-normal-looking/

Jennie Runk, size 12

http://nymag.com/thecut/2009/12/v_magazine_-_size_issue.html

model meausrements

Jacquelyn: 5 ft, 9 in; 32/24/34

Crystal Renn: 5 ft, 9 in; 36/31/41

http://www.plus-model-mag.com/2012/01/plus-size-bodies-what-is-wrong-with-them-anyway/

http://www.davidmcelroy.org/?p=9619

a guys perspective on what looks good.

I was in high school when the "waif" look came back around. Calvin Klein ads featured super skinny girls who quite honestly looked like they were "on something".  The "look" every girl was supposed to crave was super skinny, and her clothes were to look like they were falling off her, or at least this is what I remember.  The thigh gap term, has been around a really long time. I've known about it since I was 12, I'm 34.

I've not been an avid follower of fashion over the years. I know what I like. I know what works for me, classic, simple, solids. I might venture out from this with a piece or 2 but overall I keep it basic. I love sundresses, and have only recently begun to weed some out from my collection.

I worked for a high end bridal store and I'm familiar with the crazy sizing. If you are typically an 8 in high end fashion you are likely going to have to order a 12. This is just the way it's cut. It's sometimes like this with less high end bridal as well, it just depends.

I made the statement to Daron that if Kate Upton is considered fat, what message is being sent? Plus sized models are considered to be those larger than a size 6. Really?

I had a conversation recently about the arm pop. You know what I’m talking about, it's the move you do to make your arm look skinny. I've been using it since 2002 when I first heard what it was. It's been around since long before then, I realize. I sent a picture example of why the arm pop is necessary. It's one of my favorite pictures from my brother's wedding because it's Mom, Me, Grandmommy, my Aunt (mom's sister) and my cousin, (mom's sister's daughter). My arm is just hanging and I hate the way it looks. My friend pointed out that when people look at pictures they are drawn to the smiling faces. The first thing they see is not my arm. That was an "aha" moment for me, in that the first thing I notice after seeing the faces I love is how fat my arm looks.

There are bigger issues, bigger fish to fry, and as I read the article last night and thought about my nieces and Audra I realized that more than anything I just want them to be happy and confident in themselves. I don't want them to look in mirrors and pick apart everything that they don't like. Life is too short!

5 minutes

After the excitement of learning that I have a new work opportunity the rest of the week is a blur. This was partly due to the fact that I had Friday off. That made the 3rd Friday in a row that I was on vacation. This week is a full week, and I'm working OT.

Thursday afternoon I had a chiropractor appointment. I've talked about my chiropractor before, he's the best! He did the pulse thing, Graston, and gave me new exercises for my foam roller. After the appointment my Achilles was doing much better, until I tried to run my 8 miles Saturday at 2 without food, so I tried to go back out Sunday morning for 8, which aggravated the injury again.

I went home and did the foam roller exercises. I didn't push, I quit after about 3.5 miles Sunday. I realized there was no point in pushing, only to make the injury worse. My October 1/2 is looking questionable. I was up to 11 miles but over the past few weeks I had to back way off.

Thursday night after my appointment the first event of the women's conference at church started at 7. The conference was "The Invitation". There was the session Thursday night, a session Friday morning at 10, Friday night at 7 and a final session Saturday morning at 10. I am so thankful for the church that we go to.

Amy was able to go to each session as well so we sat next to each other and with others from our small group. It was a great opportunity to all spend time together!

Saturday after the last session I did try to run, which didn't work out so well. The rest of the day was spent relaxing at home. Audra's friend from across the street was over and the girls played from 12:30 until 8pm. They had the best time!

I had nursery yesterday for the 11am service. We had 22 kids, we split them up into 2 rooms because there were so many. I love nursery, but that many 2-3 1/2 years olds is unbelievably exhausting!!! I seriously do not understand how mom's do it! I'm in awe!

On another Audra related note, the child grew this summer so much that shoes that were too big at the start of summer are too small and clothes that were slightly big are slightly small. It seems like she skipped a shoes size. In fact I just realized I need to go purchase flip flops for our beach trip because all of hers are too short.

New Opportunity

This year I've interviewed for 4 new career opportunities. The first interview was for a position where the candidate had already been identified and I was late posting. I didn't know the position existed, and so they told me to keep checking back.

The next interview was for the underwriting development program, and it was tough, and I was one of the top candidates but according to HR I didn't quite fit the business need.

I interviewed for a position that was in insurance risk control. I've long been fascinated by this part of insurance. They let me know I was one of the top 2 candidates but they went with someone who had done a better job of finding opportunities to learn for the role in previous positions.

A few weeks ago I saw a position open up that was similar to what I do now. I talked to one of the managers about the opportunity, and posted for the job. I had a phone interview, and in person interview and today I accepted the offer.

I am very excited!!! I am very thankful! I specifically prayed that if this was not the direction that the door would be shut. I specifically gave thanks in prayer and knew that no matter the outcome God knows the plans that He has for me. Over the next 2-3 weeks I will be transitioning into the new role.

Visit to VA/DC

Last week was a blur. I'm waiting to hear back on the opportunity that I interviewed for on August 23. I should know something this week.

I have had to back way off running. My chiropractor appointment is this Thursday. I'm hoping that he can help me figure out what to do with the Achilles issues.

Friday morning I dropped a few things off at Audra's school and hit the road for VA. I took a new route, 85N to 29N. I travelled through Lynchburg, Charlottesville, and on to Jess's house. I arrived around 1:30, it was a gorgeous trip up!

Friday night we met my cousin Cameron for dinner at a place in Arlington called Uncle Julio's. It was a fun night! Mexican food and margaritas is always a winning combination!

Saturday morning Jess and I drove down to the Vienna metro station and took the train into DC. People watching on a train is always fascinating! Even before we ever boarded the train we observed a guy who was so eager to start his day he couldn't wait for the train and after waiting only a few minutes headed back to his car. Then riding the train there was the tourist who name dropped from the time he got in the car to the time that they left. It's always an experience to observe people! 

There is such an incredible atmosphere in the city! We started off at the American History museum. There was not a line for the Star Spangled Banner so we started there. I teared up as I approached Old Glory. There is just so much that I am thankful for and that is such a symbol for our freedom as Americans.

From Old Glory's exhibit we went to the First Lady exhibit. I have wanted to see the gowns since I learned that this existed. I viewed the many sizes and shapes of our First Ladies, and laughed at the lady who was so frustrated with the docent that she didn't know the exact height of the first ladies, and couldn't understand that the figures modeling the dresses were actually height accurate. She was actually rather rude but the docent was incredibly gracious!

The first lady exhibit also holds the china patterns of each first lady. It was fun to note that some of the older patterns were resurrected in the 1980's. The different personalities represented were fascinating!

On the same floor was the exhibit of the Presidents, and the Cost of Freedom, which was a walk through of the wars we have participated in since becoming a nation up to the Vietnam war (I think it ended with that one).  I can't really explain the overwhelming emotion that I felt walking through all that. History comes alive inside the walls of these exhibits.

We went down to the living history exhibit where I saw Dorothy's shoes from the movie The Wizard of Oz and I walked through the many different artifacts of our history. It was truly interesting to literally walk through history, and some of the things that I remember from growing up.

There was a lot more in the museum but I hit the parts that I wanted to see the most, and then we walked over the National Archives building. The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution are available for viewing (as well as the Magna Carta but I didn't look at that). I feel very fortunate that the day we were there were no lines. From what I understand this is usually not the case so I was delighted that it was such an easy day for seeing these historic and very important pieces of the American foundation. I found it amusing that in the line moving through to see the documents the couple in front of me was from SC and the couple behind me was from NC. I didn't learn this in conversation with them but overheard them both as they were looking for the signatures from their respective states.

After the National Archives we made our way to the Natural History museum so that I could see the Hope Diamond and the gems and minerals exhibit. The Hope Diamond is absolutely amazing!!!! They have collected other jewelry from around the world and it is just incredible! I got a little turned around in the exhibit. It kept going back, back, back, and then it put me back out in the main hall again. So I don't think that I quite saw all of everything there was to see but it was so crowded that I was ready to head out. That museum of all the places we visited was the most crowded, loud, and I am glad that I had the opportunity to walk through but I didn't want to stay any longer than we did.

From the Natural History museum to the metro where we took the quick ride up to visit the National Cathedral. The building is incredible! We were able to ride up to the observation floor and you can see for miles and miles. I walked around and appreciated the beautiful artwork, and read the dedications, and was amazed by the history that is present all around the building.

After the National Cathedral we walked over to Georgetown and enjoyed cupcakes from Sprinkles. Oh my goodness, those cupcakes!!!! I normally will only eat the icing but that would have just been wrong. The whole cupcake had to be enjoyed! I knew I would want two, so I ordered a chocolate marshmallow and a vanilla hazelnut chocolate my favorite of the 2 was the vanilla hazelnut chocolate.

We wrapped up the evening at Jess's house with the most amazing pina coloda's (I'm going to need the recipe) and a movie!

Sunday was a pool day followed by a lot of reading for me, it was awesome!

I am so very thankful that I had the opportunity to visit my friend, and see all the amazing things that I had the chance to see!!! I can't explain how much it all meant, and what  fantastic trip it was!!!