Dating

Maybe I'm lazy, but the whole "having to meet new people" aspect is exhausting to me. I signed back up for a dating site b/c I was bored and I needed to not focus on what happened with the guy I was seeing. I also need to not think about the other guy who I met several months ago who is still a friend of mine but he doesn't want to date me so therefor I need to write him off as well. I think it's a bad idea to stay friends b/c of the fact that I'm probably going to get hurt by the friendship one way or another.
I've decided that once we've broken up there is absolutely no reason to "stay friends". I have completely deleted from my life the past couple guys that I've dated. Minus the one who I broke up with to date the next one who is still in the picture but does't want to date me. This is a perfect example of why I should just write him off but he keeps popping back into my life and I really like him so eventually he'll make me mad enough and I'll write him off too.
So Sunday I had 2 dates. The first to festival in the park met the guy's sister and her boyfriend had a really good time. He's 35 runs marathons, does cycling. Is very smart, I like him. Catch is I feel gigantic and akward because he's so in shape and I'm so not. I sent him an email after I got home and asked him if I'm really the type he goes for because if not then I want to introduce him to my friend who I run with. I was really nice about it but I just can't help but feel that he probably goes for the smaller more petite ladies and I'm big boned and just all over big. in my head right now the image I see is just enormous and I try to remember this isn't actually reality but seriously it's stuck and has been since Sunday. I was concerned about this before I met him anyways. He texted me yesterday and said before we decide that we're going to be "just friends" we need to hang out a few more times. I told him that worked for me. And if it doesn't work out I will definitely introduce him to my friend!
Date number 2 was a spur of the moment decision. I was home, I was hungry and I was not really in the mood to be in for the night alone with my thoughts. So I texted the other guy asking if he was still free (he'd texted me while I was at church asking me if we were still on for that night and I had texted back saying we had agreed on Wednesday but then I had Sunday night open so I figured if he was still free why not meet up) so we met for beers and chips and queso. He's nice but another one I'm just not overly enthusiastic about. I feel like he's too much of a yankee, he's from Buffalo NY. He was interesting to talk to but there didn't seem to be a real spark.
When I met the guy previously mentioned I met him the same way. Our first date we went to that same restaurant as date number 2 and I. He and I sat there and talked and talked and talked. Our lunch lasted til almost 4pm. Then he texted me on my way home asking when he could see me again. There was just something fun and enigmatic about him and this is the reason why I've yet to completely write him off. He's just one who seems to have gotten underneath my skin but he's not interested in dating me therefore he must go!
OK now there are 3 others who seem to still be in the picture. Yes if you're exhausted reading I'm as exhausted writing. #1 is a youth pastor down towards Monroe and he has 2 sisters and I'm just not sure that it could work b/c of the distance and the fact that he's baptist and I am just not sure... I've been a wild child and I just can't see him quite accepting all the things from my past.
#2 He's a consultant who used to be a teacher. He loves history and I'm interested in him and I need to set up an actual meeting. He's got a beard which I'm so not a fan of but I need to meet him in person and see what happens.
#3 Well he just looks like trouble but he's emailed me and I seem to have a spot for trouble so I've given him a reply back.
There are those who I've already eliminated without ever meeting them. I need to pull my profile but if I do that there are too many that I would have to give my email to and I'm just not willing to do that.
It hit me on my way home Sunday from date #2 that I'm hurt. The one I thought was my friend. The one who promised me that it was different and he would not hurt me intentionally really steam rolled me. It would have been one thing if it was just that he couldn't see a future with me but he went back to his girlfriend before me before ending it with me. He had told me all these reasons why it didn't work between them but then goes back to her. It's exactly what he did 7 years ago. The lesson I learned is that I will no longer give second chances. If you have hurt me once you will hurt me the same way again and again and again. For my friends I will forgive, and forgive and forgive as necessary. However when it comes to those that I date the rules are different.

Slow Night

I'm closing at the restaurant tonight. what I don't like when it's slow is that I have too much time to think. Thoughts run along the following patterns. R is a jerk I am still not real happy at the situation but I am SO MUCH BETTER then I was this time last week.
I want to email J to ask what is going on but after our last exchange I know it's not a good idea.
Too much time to think and not enough distraction. I'm ready to go home and go to bed!!!

While I've tried not to go overboard

I do need the support of my friends. The responses back have all made me think Here are a few of the words of my friends..

"Honestly . . .

You are 30 now. Your twenties are over. That means it is time to put into motion all the crap you learned in the last ten years. The #1 lesson for me, and may be for you is:

You can't try to make sense out of crazy, insane shit.
Trying to get rational or explain thoughts like the "you are still in love with who I used to be" won't help. You cannot change nor control another. You can only change and control you. This is a situation you have absolutely zero control over. The best thing you can do is to just shut this door and write it off. If you owned a business and you were wasting energy like this on a bad client, you would write the money they owe you off as bad debt. RS is just bad debt. Write him off.

I promise, you will be the sexiest woman on earth to men if you
a) don't give a crap about them

b) prove that you don't give a crap by running, working on your career, etc.

c) find a niche in the world that you can get wrapped up in -- I don't think you have this but your relationship with Jack Banner is a start. I think you need to find something you can be truly passionate about that isn't shopping and that will allow you to help other people. In my psyche class tonight, our teacher said that it has been scientifically proven that people who engage in meaningful volunteer work are happier, step outside of their own boxes, and have higher self esteem because they feel appreciated. I think you need to get into something where you will feel appreciated. I know you have little time, but find a food pantry or a Hands on Charlotte project to do once in a while. I think it will a) make you feel good about you, b) will get you out of your house but also give you a constructive, inexpensive goal . . . which will ultimately make you sexier to men and c) there is no better way to meet hot, single, decent men. (My old roommate did hands on Charlotte and is dating a firefighter with the hottest body I've ever seen in my life. They've been dating since April and are happy as larks.)"

"Honey you are not a fool- him leading you to believe that he felt more than he did is not your fault! He "thought" he felt things that he didnt think through - he just said what he felt and when he realized he had a made a HUGE mistake leading you on- he wasnt exactly as honest as he should have been
I am telling you I think God changed his heart and he really did have feelings for you- but when God has a plan and you try to deviate from it- HE WILL PROTECT YOU!!!!!! even if it means hurting your feelings in the short term-
thats what happened to me....and now I am so glad I finally gave up and let God be in control because what I have now is better than anyhting I could have ever created for myself!!!!!

youre not a fool......"

"I'm soooooo sorry that you're having to deal with this, but obviously the guy is not worthy of you & you need to remember that. Ironically enough, I've been having an interesting series of daily devotionals on relationships & purity over the last few days & I'll tell you that, based on what I'm reading, the physical aspect of your relationship with him is a big part of why you're hurting so much. It's hard when you give yourself to someone in every way that you possibly can & then they treat you like you don't matter. It's disappointing & heartbreaking all at the same time. In my opinion, that's not acceptable & you deserve so much better. The truth is, there were a lot of issues that he had & I truly believe that God removed him from your life to save you from a lot of heartache in the future. Having to deal with the x-wife, the child, financial issues, the past drug addiction & the potential for relapse...all of that will inevitably take it's toll on any relationship he has. I know in my heart that God has more in store for you than that! God has a plan for your life that is so much better than what you can imagine...there is a person out there for you that will love, cherish & honor you. God will bring him into your life when He is ready. Just be patient & keep praying for God to write your love story in His time.

As for your comments below...you're most certainly not a fool!!!! You're just a trusting person who was taken advantage of. It happens to the best of us. It definitely hurts when you find out that the person you trusted wasn't worthy of that trust or the respect you gave them.

Not that I'm a good person to be giving advice since my love life is in complete shambles right now, but try not to put so much into it. Being guarded can definitely be advantagous, especially these days...Our society has gotten so off track from what God wants of us. I know in speaking for myself, that I find it easy to stray with all of the influences of this world (everything from TV to novels to the way my coworkers & some of my friends live their lives). Just remember that God loves you so much more than you can imagine & he wants the best for you...RS was not even close to being that!!!!!!!!!!! (did I put enough EXCLAMATION POINTS behind that for you to get my point?)

It's totally his loss & you need to just keep in mind that you're better off, even though I know it really hurts right now. It might not be a bad idea for both of us to stay single for a while.

Love you girl!!!"

My life moves on it always does. I have to learn and grow. It's not easy but if life was easy then I would be a pretty shallow individual.

it doesn't matter how much I cry

it won't change anything. my very dear friend went and picked up the few things I had at his house.
I've cried a lot tonight because this hurts so much.
I've said it before he doesn't hurt because he didn't feel the same about me as I did him.
He promised me I won't hurt you. I won't let you get away. I love you. He led me to believe lies. He treated me the same way as he always did.
I did not want to change my facebook status but it was such a big deal to him for us to be in a relationship that I did.
I'm so incredibly hurt that he was talking to another woman. Again he'll never understand this pain because he doesn't reciprocate how I feel, never has never will.
I understand that time heals all hurts. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just wish despite it all that this was some bad dream and I wake up and it's all as it was before that weekend when everything changed.

The email I won't be sending to him

I told you that there were a lot of things I wanted to say. I've come to realize that just because you no longer use drugs and alcohol you still have treated me the exact same way as before.
You shut down on me and completely quit talking to me. You made me believe that you wanted to marry me and you talked to me about the names of future children. You were all about me moving and us sharing our life together. Then in the space of 24 hours I have no idea what happened because you would not talk to me. You simply cut me out of your life. You told me I was still in love with the you from a few years ago and not who you are now. This is not true. I loved the man who you are today but you will not accept this nor hear me when I say it. You determined that I am not in love with you and therefor I am not. You told me that our perspectives are too different. I had sent a few emails explaining how I felt and how I was looking forward to the future but you shut me out. You started talking to another woman and you quit talking to me entirely. What I thought were sincere promises are all lies and I don't understand why you feel the way you do about me loving the you from the past. Apparently there isn't much difference in the you from the past and the you now.
In looking at my past relationships I see this very same trend and now I understand where I learned it. Instead of talking to me you turned to someone else and now she is back in your life.
I believed that despite our different perspectives and beliefs we could make it work because you convinced me of it. You seemed so sincere about our future and our life. You talked to me about future and family. You have done to me exactly what you have always done and I made the mistake of believing that it would be a different ending to the same chapter. The definition of insanity, and you told me this yourself, is repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different result. It took you 2 years of being my friend to get me to trust you again and then you flipped the switch on me and now we will no longer be friends.
Obviously you don't value the friendship that we had. I'm done. I have forgiven what has happened but you will not be back in my life again. I have only myself to blame for being in the place where I am now. I was a fool and I let my heart lead my head. I naively believed that love would conquer all and that you really did love me as you were telling me you did. You shut me out, you quit talking to me, you did not ever give me any chance to understand why or how it is simply finished. I knew you well enough to know it was over on Labor day monday when I returned home but it would take you a full week to finally be honest enough with me to end it. I made you end it because you will not be able to talk to me again and you needed to be the one who did this. If I ended it then I would not have the closure that I needed because of my mistake in reopening this sick and twisted story of ours.
I loved you, as my friend, as the man who was telling me what our future held, as the man who in some ways has made great strides in his life, as the future father of my children. I loved you deeply and would willingly have walked over hot coals for you had you asked me to because I loved you. It has nothing to do with who you were and everything to do with who I saw and now I understand what I saw wasn't real and this just leaves me in a place where I am confused and hurt and lost and hoping that at some point I will find a man who loves me for me and when he tells me he loves me and when he tells me he wants to marry me and have children with me that he is sincere and not telling me a lie.

yes another one

I don't want to drive my friends crazy with my excessive emotions on this subject. I'm sitting thinking that I can't believe I'm here again. I allowed myself to fall all over again and probably even harder and this hurts. The overwhelming hurt is what I'm trying to keep my head above water over. I'm supposed to act like I'm fine and this doesn't bother me but this is really chokingly painful.
I am in and out of relationships a lot. I thought with this one it was going to be different. I thought that this was it. I let my heart lead and I used no common sense whatsoever.

where I'm at

This morning I'm hurting. It's the kind of heart sick that I hate to have acknowledge but that's what it is. I'm so confused because of how things played out. I'm hurt that he went behind my back talking to his ex girlfriend.
He sent me an email yesterday in response to my things and it was almost as if nothing had ever happened between us. I think that's what was getting to me last night.
There's a part of me that wants to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me but because he has never felt the same way about me as I have about him this is just not possible.
I wanted to lay in bed all day but that's going to just mean I'll be thinking all that much more about this subject and my goal is to move on.
I have this part of me that says he got scared that he was moving too fast and he freaked out on me. I have my mom and one of my best friend's telling me God changed his heart. Regardless it's over and I have to pick up the pieces and move on again.

Don't let it consume you

There's a song that Will Smith re-did sometime while I was in high school and there is a line in that song that I've always loved
"Throughout life people will make you mad Disrespect you and treat you bad Let God deal with the things they do Cause hate in your heart will consume you too Always tell the truth say your prayers"
I'm reminding myself that I need to apply this.

I'm so mad

Like I said I fluctuate between emotions. Currently I'm just angry. Not a good emotion. I'm excited about the interview I have next Wednesday!!! I vented my feelings to my friend Margaret.

Because I don't want to blow up my friends email

I'm writing thoughts out and I will probably delete some of these but I'm so frustrated.
I felt rage earlier. I'm not used to that one but it's happened before not recently but it has happened.
I am so floored that we were talking marriage and baby names and then suddenly the rug was pulled out from underneath me.
I thought about the fact that while circumstances have changed he is still the same guy and he did the exact same thing to me that he has always done.
I believed that he was sincere and for real. I was friends with him for 2 YEARS and thought that this time was true. What a fool I am.

Again what I am not saying on FB

And I deleted him from my FB but I just don't feel the need to air this out to 367 people.
I'm furious that he was talking to someone else before having the decency to end things with me.
I'm not happy that he's not responding to my request for when I can have my friends pick up my things.
I'm not happy that I allowed myself to actually believe that he was sincere.
I'm frustrated that I trusted so completely and now I'm just embarrassed by it.
I stood up for him to my parents and my friends promising up and down that this time would be different.
He kept saying that I was in love with him from a few years ago and that is simply not true. I'm not happy that he would be talking marriage and children with me on Saturday and completely change that tune 2 days later on Monday.
I do not know what all is going on but I did know him well enough to know that it was over.
I also know that this is not my fault. I'm high maintenance and difficult and I freely admit I am not an easy person to date. This is not my fault because he was full aware of all this going into it. I was never anyone other than me.
One of my friends wrote that it is better to have loved and lost then loved a loser. I would rather have not had the experience I've just had at all. My mom said last night that I needed this to finally officially close this chapter. For me I closed out this chapter years and years ago and he was the one who asked me to reopen it and he was the one who made me believe that it was for real. I gave away 5 bags of clothes. I was fully prepared to move down to SC to share my life with him.
My friend Brandi pointed out that there were numerous reasons why it's for the best that he has done this. There is the crazy baby mama drama. There is the factor of a very sweet little boy who is going to most likely be a royally screwed up adolescent thanks to the craziness of his upbringing. There is the guy who while actively in recovery could always relapse. There is the fact that when it comes down to it he and I do not share the same beliefs and this is one area where I will admit to compromising myself. I did compromise because of who this was. I also have to acknowledge that God took him away. The other woman factor I guess is just a reason for me to write him out of my life entirely. I do believe that what goes around comes around. I walk out of this and I did nothing wrong. I was honest and true. I believed that love could conquer all. I believed and trusted and while I could be upset with myself for this I also have to appreciate the fact that this all came out now and not after I had already moved down there.
No I'm not going to speak to him again because of the other woman factor. No I do not like him, I've already forgiven but just because I've forgiven does not mean I will allow that person to have access to my life any longer.

Still more

I really am so many emotions right now that trying to process them is making me feel like I need to spew.
Thank God for amazing girlfriends that He's placed in my life! I also was reminded on my way home from work this afternoon that if I asked Him to take away this guy if he wasn't the right one then I shouldn't be quite so upset over the fact that God did exactly as I asked.
So while I can remove this guy from my life entirely for good, which I have done. I also have to say, I forgive him and while I will no longer have contact with him I hold no anger against him. I am probably most hurt by the fact the he admitted to talking to his ex girlfriend again. Which means that all last week when he couldn't bother to call, text or email me he was talking to her.
I believed him when he said that it could work. I believed the lie that this time it would be different. While I can beat myself up over this for days and weeks the one thing I've heard from my mom and my closest girlfriends is that they believe God changed his heart towards me.
I know this but the whole ex girlfriend factor has been what's making me so mad and why I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. Perhaps they are right and God did change his heart but he was not true to me and that hurts me because I believed that he was sincere.

Sometimes I shouldn't be so trusting

It's officially over Here's my response and the email:

My response back:
"I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that can give you what you need. I also felt like you were expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the past, which I'm not."
I still don't understand this line but I'm not going to dwell on it. I should have left things as they were.
I'm so hurt and I really need to put space between us. I'm going to need to delete you from facebook for a season because otherwise I will always be looking and always be trying to see what you have going on and I know that's not healthy. At some point I may request to be friends again but please understand where I am coming from on this.
I could call you names I could say a lot of things but I know that I have just been hurt by the guy I love and I was led to believe differently then what you have said in the email.
I will be fine. I could also call myself a lot of names right now for ever going down this road again but at this point it's not worth it.
I know you have a lot going on. I'm sorry about the fire. I'll be praying for Jack.
Like I said there's so much more that I would like to say but I shouldn't and I won't.

--- On Mon, 9/14/09, R wrote:

> From: R
> Subject: Re:
> To: "L"
> Date: Monday, September 14, 2009, 11:21 AM
> L,
>
> I have been extremely busy and haven't had time to
> respond. I do apologize for that. I have Jack this coming
> weekend and didn't have him this past weekend. We will
> probably be camping. I don't have a court date as of
> yet, my attorney never asked the court for it to be on the
> calender according the the Judges clerk. My lawyer hasnt
> returned my messages nor email in like 2 weeks and if I
> don't hear back from him today I'm probably going to
> find a new one. My clothes dryer caught on fire yesterday, I
> had events I volunteered at all day Saturday and My son is
> sick and not in School. I have a PTA meeting tonight and
> don't know if Bethany will be there or not, but I do
> know she used Medicaid to pay for his doctors visit last
> night. I have a dentist appointment in the morning, a
> Voluntter meeting tomorrow night with CCA, and And event
> Wednesday night.
> In regards to us, I just don't truly think we were
> meant to be more than friends. We love each other and care
> about other and have known each other for a long time, but I
> just don't truly think that we are made for each other.
> I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I
> was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that
> can give you what you need. I also felt like you were
> expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the
> past, which I'm not. We have been through a lot
> together, but in someways we seem to view the world in
> completely different perspectives. I also know that with my
> life and schedule the way it is at the moment that I
> can't give you the attention that you need, just as
> I wouldn't be giving myself and my recovery the
> attention it needs. I hope that we can still be
> friends. I can put your stuff on my porch covered this
> weekend if you will let me know when you would like to come
> and get it. In
> regards to Alysha and I being friends on facebook, we are
> talking again and where it will lead to I don't know. I
> put my life in the hands of God a few years ago and no
> longer try to influence the outcomes I just pray, talk to
> others, and follow my heart on things these days. I'm am
> grateful for the experiences in my life today even the ones
> that don't work out as I would like them to. I hope you
> have a good week.
>
> R
>
> From: L
>
> To: R
>
> Sent: Monday,
> September 14, 2009 8:52:45 AM
> Subject:
>
> I'm trying very hard I really am to not contact
> you.
> I haven't talked to you since last Tuesday morning
> and that conversation was just weird.
> You're friends with AH again on FB. If
> you are talking to her again and want to get back together
> that is fine. Just be honest. Normally I'm
> not jealous. Normally I can handle a lot and be
> rational. Right now I'm trying to stay rational
> but this situation is hurting me and you told me you would
> do your best NOT to hurt me again.
> I don't handle complete lack of communication well
> at all.
> I love you. I've made that very clear.
> I'm not mad at you. I would like to get my things back
> whether you take them to MFT's or I come next
> Sunday to retrieve them.
> I know you are in pain. I know you had to go to
> a funeral. I guess by now you know when your court
> date is and I am praying for you.
> I don't handle situations like this very
> well. This hurts so much and if you're getting
> back together with AH or there is someone else then I
> will be fine. At this point I feel like you know that
> what you feel for me isn't what you thought and
> that's ok but PLEASE stop hurting me and just tell me
> whatever it is that you need to tell
> me.

What I'm not saying

Many people use facebook as an outlet to vent thru status updates. I use scriptures and while my scriptures definitely reflect what is happening in my life I try not to put negative things up there. I do ocassionally use it as an outlet when I'm working at the restaurant for fun b/c it's slow.
What my status is not saying right now is I'm about to spin out of my own head.
My status is not saying just get this over with because I don't handle this well at all.
My status is not saying I want to jump up and down and throw things and have a hissy fit because it's not going my way.
Notice that I wouldn't put these things to begin with but especially not where the object of frustration can see how aggravated I am. The emails he's recieved are plenty.
So my mom emailed me this morning and one of the things that she and my Godmother came up with is an acronym for Frog. Our big thing over the past years has been that I've kissed a lot of frogs. That I'm waiting for whoever to ribiit. The acronomy that they gave me FROG - Fully – Relying – On – God!

Let go of me

I'm trying very hard to seek the Lord and put Him first. The thought that keeps rolling thru my brain is why won't he (the guy I've been dating) just LET ME GO. I've asked that he just let me go so we can close out this chapter and he won't do it. I can't break up with him. I mean I could but this needs to come from him. He is the one who convinced me that this could work and now he needs to be the one to admit that he was in love with the idea of me and not the reality. I fluctuate between hurt and tears and frustration. I can't let go until he does and it's hurting me. It's like a knife that just twists deeper and deeper. He won't talk to me but yet his fb shows it's complicated but I've heard absolutely nothing from him. If this was ANYONE else I would have already said forget it. But because of who this is and becauseI do love him despite my frustration the reality is until he admits that it's over I am unable to let go. This hurts, it hurts so much that when the tears come they come unexpectedly and at inconvenient times.

Perspective

Earlier I wrote about the movie Facing the Giants. There is a part that is absolutely standing out in my mind. When they find out that they probably can't have children he asks her will you love me anyways. Then when she's outside the doctors office and she's just found out again that she's not pregnant she looks up and she tells God that she will love Him anyways. Then it's one of my favorite scenes when the nurse comes out to tell her that she is pregnant. And then one of my other favorite scenes is when she tells her husband that he's now part of the "Daddy Team".
I watched the out takes of the movie tonight. What I didn't know is that a church in Georgia filmed that whole movie. Then they had a company that was looking for a good movie to put out in stores and thus the movie was sold. I watched if for the first time a couple weeks ago. Then I watched it again because right now in my life I need the reminder that God is SO BIG that there is NOTHING He can't do.
In church this morning we talked about how Christ is our solid rock. How we have hope and God is our provider. We have nothing to fear because God is with us. Christ blood covered our sins and enabled us to have a relationship with the heavenly Father. One thing I thought of when I was listening in church this morning was how Christians tell of His great works. We still have stories today of the amazing things that God does in our lives. What I thought about is how I've never looked into this but in all the other world religions do they have any kind of story as to what their god is doing in their life? I can give stories of times I've seen the hand of God in my own life and that of my family and friends. What I know is that I serve the living God. The God who was and is and is to come. Before the world was created there was God and after the world ends God will still be there.
One of our exhortations this morning from Billy was to quit focusing on our source of anxiety. Be it job, health, relationship, whatever it is that we are feeling stressed out over to quit focusing on this and ask God to give us more vision of Him. What is He wanting to show us? What is He trying to communicate with us? Obviously in my own life right now I'm struggling, I'm drowning in debt and my relationship that I thought was the real deal, well I think he was in love with the idea of me and not the reality.
So I have to quit focusing on that. I have to apply Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4

Facing the Giants

I just finished watching this movie again. So many points hit me that I felt the need to share. Based off comments from my scripture status' I have a feeling that a lot of friends are going thru uncertainty, worry, concern, trials life is a journey and some days, weeks, years that journey is easier than others.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The premise of the movie is about a football coach at a small school and he has a football team that is small and they just can't seem to win. The coach has tried to make the team stronger but they just seem to be at a standstill. Everything in the coach's life professionally and personally seems to be a trial. Even if you don't like football this movie is such an uplifting reminder that thru God all things are possible.
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
The coach and his wife have been trying to have a baby and he finds out that the reason they haven't been able to is him. The car the coach has is old and breaks down and they have to get it jumped all the time.
There is a turning point in the movie and shortly after there is a scene where the coach receives a new truck free and clear. What a reminder that God provides for all our needs, needs not greeds! But because He's God He can provide beyond what we can begin to imagine.
The team makes it to the final championship. They are facing a team 3 times their size. They shouldn't have even made it to the game. The coach reminds them that God is the reason that they are there and whether they win or lose they will praise Him. We are supposed to praise God no matter what.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
It is easy to post scriptures but walking out in Faith that God is my provider, that He does know best, that He is in control this is hard to apply. It's so easy to get discouraged and feel overwhelmed. But because I believe that the Bible is God's word I have hope.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. " Jeremiah 29:11-13
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Processing

the hardest part is I thought dating a friend who I had known so long would help the outcome. I was promised that he would love me. I knew the risk I took, I knew I just let my heart lead my head.
I prayed that if it wasn't meant to be then it would be clear. This letting go is incredibly hard!

If you never take a chance you don't know what might have been

I'm writing with a breaking heart. I took a chance that maybe if I dated someone who I had been friends with for years and years the outcome would be happy.
Nope.
I had prayed that if this situation wasn't right that God would make it very clear. He has.
It hurts. I'm 30 I'm single. My finances are wrecked and everyday I trust that God is going to provide. My job situation is another area where I have to trust God. I'm hoping that a job I applied for today comes thru.
Right now I'm in a place that hurts. It feels like everything has just fallen apart.

Obsessing

I've noticed something about myself over the summer. I probably already was aware but over the summer it really came to light. I tend to go over and over and over situations in my head. For example by ex-boyfriend who gave me the ipod and whose best friend fixed my computer. I replayed and went over what had happened trying to figure it all out. Reality, nothing I could have done or said would have made anything better. I wasn't the right person for him and I never was going to be and for me it was healthier to just walk away. I know this and I tried to get my thoughts off the subject but for a while it just bugged me incessantly.
The year after I broke up with the guy who had the little girl. I could go back thru so many posts all on the very subject of him and her and everything. It's not something I think about as often anymore, time is a great treatment!
Over the weekend I visited a meeting. The topic of conversation brought up was on the very subject, obsession. I think it must be human nature to go over a situation or words or circumstance over and over again. I think different personality types are able to handle the thoughts better than others. Some try to avoid the thoughts entirely. I've always been one to replay and replay and replay what's happened.
This is something I've determined to work on for myself. I am trying hard to do this right now. I don't want to be clingy and insecure and I'm trying to be independant and not worry over a situation in which I can only answer for my own actions and feelings. I have to trust that God's in control. He has the new job for me, He has the place where He wants me to be. Everything happens in His time.