He is in the details

Back in September my friend had a picture posted on her FB wall and I wondered who the person was in the picture with her. Turns out it was an old family friend. As I was trying to figure out who he was our mutual friend was texting Chelsea saying if that guy loves Jesus you need to introduce him to Lori. Which made me laugh!

I forgot about it until about a month later when I got a friend request via FB and realized it was the same guy. So I accepted and we messaged back and forth for a minute and that was it. Fast forward a week and he reached out asking if he could call. We talked that Sunday. The beginning of this story is so fun to tell! We talked every day after that, and it was wonderful. He was originally supposed to come to town in November but that trip fell thru. So the trip happened the weekend of December 11-13.

Leading up to the visit I thought that everything was just going to fall into place, the way our conversations had been I fully anticipated relocating. He arrived and he was even more amazing in person and I thought that we would get married and I would move and it was going to be the best story ever….

He drove 16 hours to get here and that Saturday he was speaking locally. Saturday morning the verses that God gave me were Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” The Sunday morning he left God gave me Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I didn’t want to give up the way I wanted the story to go. I didn’t want out story to end, I wanted “I do” and forever and that simply wasn’t God’s plan. It took several weeks before he could tell me that after his visit his feeling had changed. There was a lot going on and I know that God put me in his life for a reason and I know that I had a significant impact and for that I am truly thankful! I’m not going to lie, it hurt my heart, a lot! Last Tuesday was when this man told me that after his visit his feelings had in fact changed. We were no longer on the same page about how we felt regarding each other. However in the way that only God can do, He worked out the details. I joined a book study and last Tuesday was the first night of our group and I was able to connect with a group of people and we discussed God’s vision for His church.

Last Thursday I had lunch with the 2 ladies leading the book study and we talked about God and how He’s always in the details. We talked about the ways He’s directed our steps and how He’s connected us to different people in ways that only He can do. I was so encouraged as I left lunch and God was gently speaking to my heart to trust Him. He’s been speaking that to me all along and I do, but when this guy appeared in my life it was really difficult to let go and trust God that he’s really not the one for me!

In each devotional since last Tuesday God has been speaking to me so clearly! I have had several devotionals directly relating to God’s timing, trusting Him, God directing our steps, etc., etc., etc.! He speaks SO CLEARLY! Yesterday’s message at church was also, on God’s perfect timing! When I can understand that He is speaking so clearly I can rest in knowing that He knows the plans and purpose that He has for me and He is guiding and directing me!

Monday of last week the founder of the organization who I work with that works to fight human trafficking reached out and asked if I could teach a class for her because she couldn’t be 2 places at once. We set up a meeting for Saturday morning to go over the information. After I ran my 9.5 miles, on the treadmill because it was raining, I met with my friend and we began talking about the organizations, what’s going on, and also the class I would be teaching. We started our meeting at IHOP but because it was so busy and we didn’t want to hold the table we moved locations.

As I was driving to the next location I was praying about all that we had been discussing. Teaching the class is a very huge opportunity for me! I’ll be co-teaching with the founder of another organization and our class will be volunteer coordinators who are in charge of the volunteers who will work at the race tracks helping to recognize trafficking and also rescue girls when applicable. This is a really big deal! Not only that but God has provided a house for our organization, this is HUGE! Additionally not just our organization but 2 other local organizations have just established housing, again HUGE! There is a major need for beds for individuals rescued from the life and the fact that God is providing these is a really significant miracle!

Our meeting lasted 3 hours and when I left I was completely and totally blown away by all that God is doing. He is faithful! He is crazy amazing! HE IS SO IN ALL THE DETAILS!!!!!

Yesterday I went to the prayer service at church. When I got home from Heart Quest God told me that if I was in town I was to be at the prayer service. So even on Sunday’s when I might not be able to even go to our service I go to the 8am prayer service. The prayer service ended and the lady who is in charge of our prayer room asked me if I had ever thought about joining them. I said yes, but I wasn’t sure how. Our prayer room is where intercessors pray during our 2 Sunday services. She told me she doesn’t usually ask people but she knew she was supposed to ask me. Once again God was directly telling me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be! I texted her my email so that I can be added to the schedule. Then the message, like I mentioned above, was about God’s timing, and how His timing is always always always perfect!

When I got home I sent a text to the guy and I told him that I will always think he’s awesome and amazing. I said that God was already telling me on the day that he left that our story wasn’t going to be the way that I wanted it to go. I said that I’m excited for what God is doing with him and his ministry but I’m also really excited for what God is doing with me and where He is leading me. I then sent him my notes from the sermon. I knew he needed those notes, and I wanted him to not feel any guilt over what had happened. There’s nothing for either of us to regret, it’s simply that God has different plans and we both get to follow His leading and trust Him! He replied back to my message how much he appreciated my words and how much I had just blessed him. For which, I’m thankful!

Last night there was an event called A Night of Hope. It was the 7 local organizations who fight human trafficking. It was a night of worship and unity. No one group was specifically speaking about themselves but we all came together to share and raise awareness and call warriors to action to fight this evil! OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS SO AMAZING!!!!!! My friend Chelsea was in charge of quite a bit of it and she did a phenomenal job!!!!!! The whole night was absolutely incredible!!!!! I’m thankful for how God is moving and what He is doing! 

2016 has not started at all how I thought it would look, IT’S SO MUCH BETTER AND SO MUCH MORE AMAZING!!!!!!!! God is faithful! God is in the details! God is never too early, never too late, His timing is perfect!

He has called you

Last year when I entered the final days before I filed I posted a list of verses because I was SO READY for everything to just be final!

There is a scene in the movie War Room where Elizabeth and Danielle are going to visit Mrs. Clara and when they get there Mrs. Clara already knows the news Elizabeth has to tell her. Elizabeth says, "now that's the kind of connection to God that I need"! Danielle had actually texted Mrs. Clara the information because she was so excited but that is exactly how I'm feeling right about now. I would like to be able to just know more details. I would like to have that kind of connection so I can plan accordingly.

The beginning of 2016 is not at all how I thought it was going to look. I've been learning how to let go of thinking that I need to have all the answers. I'm focusing on all that I have to be thankful for! I also prayed this morning about what am I supposed to be doing? The following verses were given to me.

“He has told you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8

“Seek good, and not evil, that you may live; and so that the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you, as you have said.” Amos 5:14

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefor do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.’” Matthew 6:33-34

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Matthew 6:37-38

“You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.” Deuteronomy 6:5-6

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope” Psalm 130:5

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

“Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!” Psalm 31:23-24

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him.” Lamentations 3:21-25

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

I've realized that He's already told me what my purpose is, to love Him, to serve Him and to be His hands and feet. I worship, and move forward and know that His timing and His ways are never mine. I've tried forcing solutions and I know that the solutions I arrive at are never a blessing but when I wait on the Lord and on His timing I am always blessed. 

I didn't expect to want to get married again, until He healed my heart and allowed me to feel again. I didn't expect to have 3 different opportunities to meet new guys last year and God, in His own way, in His own time, brought 3 different guys into my life and then in His time took them out of my life. I know that with the first guy seeds were planted, with the 2nd guy I think that was more for my benefit t understand that certain character traits that I said don't exist, actually do. I still think God was laughing on that night of the first date with him when I about fell out of my chair. With the last one I know that I had an impact and I wouldn't trade that. I made a difference and I was an encouragement and for that I'm thankful.

My friends are going online and using apps and there are so many different ways to meet people and yet I know that for me I am not to go about it that way. At least not yet. If God brought the first 3 then I know He will bring someone else, in His time in His way. Of course... I would prefer that I not hurt so much over the next one as I did the last one! Even in that I will trust Him!

As I go into the weekend I'm looking forward to boot camp tonight and a long run tomorrow. I will continue to live my life to the fullest and trust the details to the One writing my story!

surrender

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.” Ezekiel 36:26-28 I was reminded of this verse yesterday and it relates to my Heart Quest from April of this year.

When I reflect back these days it is with a tremendous amount of thankfulness and awe at God’s grace. When I can look back and see clearly my faults, flaws and weaknesses and know that I’ve been forgiven and made new, it’s humbling. I’ve been healed and set free and I don’t take that for granted!

Prior to meeting my now ex-husband I was constantly striving. I thought I had figured out that I had to let go of things but I wasn’t able to fully release my grasp. Leading up to when I got married I had plenty of flags that had I just taken a moment to process, and reflect, I might not have gotten married. It’s because of my inability to take a step back, reflect and process that my marriage was so necessary.

From the start, literally, that marriage was a nightmare. The girl who had always leaped first and figured everything out afterwards had landed in a situation where nothing she could say or do was going to fix the absolute brokenness of her marriage. She learned that what she could control was how she reacted to things. Instead of staying in situations where she was not safe she learned to quickly pick up the dog and get in the car. Ultimately that girl finally learned the true meaning of surrender, trust, letting go and letting God and that she was so much stronger than she ever realized. When I reflect back it’s easier to reflect in third person because who I was and what I experienced are no longer who I am today although admittedly these factors are contributors to the why I am where I am.

God has allowed me to tell my story and I am careful to give Him the glory. Every detail of the journey He has been with me and He has been and is faithful. During the year of separation and divorce finalization He allowed me to see what I needed to see and hear what I needed to hear. The opportunity to attend Heart Quest and hear His voice and allow Him to complete some chapters and start new ones has been the most amazing blessing! I don’t take this life that I have for granted!

I came home from HQ and that was when I was able to get connected to helping with the fight against human trafficking. I was already involved in church but I became even more connected. I am always aware that the world can be really small but I have learned that God has a unique way of weaving people into my life so that I am ultimately able to connect them to other people and advance what He is doing in various ministries.

During the time I was separated I was very careful that I did not date. I did not look up ex-boyfriends. I did not reach out to old “friends”. Originally when I left I had no intention of ever dating again. Right before I left on HQ I actually had a date and during HQ I realized that making that vow was wrong and I repented. I was essentially shutting down any kind of future blessing God might have for me because of that statement.

The date with the guy before HQ was really fun. He’s super sweet and super nice and I liked him tremendously. I was also able to accept that God was removing him from my life when he fell off the face of the earth after the 2^nd date.

Before I got married the one area of my life that I never, ever surrendered was my dating life. So needless to say it’s been an interesting journey over these past few months as I have moved forward with my life. I ran into the guy from high school, we had two amazing dates, and then he fell off the face of the earth.

My life is busy and full and amazing! I have been blessed beyond anything I could hope or imagine! There are certainly hopes and dreams that have come back to life again but I can surrender those to the author of my life and know that since He’s holding the pen He will work out all the details!

5 Minutes

October was such an amazing month! I took last Thursday night and went through stacks of paper. Living at my parents I am in the bedroom I grew up in. I love this time, I love being there, I kind of drive my mom crazy when she sees my room. She points out that I didn't let the room look like that when I was with D. I point out that D was psychotic... that might be a little strong but he was definitely particular about how everything in the house had to be.

I left work early on Friday. The original plan had been a trip to GA to see my friend Vada but that has been postponed. I went for an oil change and then I took advantage of the GORGEOUS day and went for a run on the greenway. I got 6 miles in. It was so beautiful!!! Running this time of year is amazing! I went home and showered and got ready and met a friend of mine for dinner. She's in her sophomore year of college and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and hearing how everything is going!

Saturday morning I was up early and went to church where we were having the big fall festival. 2000 people came out from 11-3 on Saturday for the fun event. I love my church so much and this outreach is an amazing time to just love on people! I handed out candy and made a new friend at the same time. She and I were talking the whole time we handed out candy and I got to hear her story. Long story short the movie War Room could be written about her marriage. I can't explain how thankful I am to hear a story where they made it to the other side and they are stronger and more appreciative and more in love with each other. I pray for marriages all the time! She and I had a blast!

I left from handing out candy and went home to grab food and a nap and then I went to the Charlotte church to help out in nursery. I got an SOS call earlier in the week because the coordinator had no one because everyone was either taking their little ones trick or treating or going to a party. We ended up just having 2 little ones and the coordinator let me leave early which was nice because I was pretty tired even having had a nap!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service and 11 nursery. I took my friend Chelsea to lunch and we did a little shopping afterwards. Then she had to go study and I went to the gym and got 4 miles done.

Monday night I went back to the total conditioning extreme class. I swear it's SO HARD! I like it but this time I got 45 minutes in and wanted to quit, last time I was 30 minutes in, we're calling this an improvement!

Tuesday morning I dragged myself out of bed for a 3 mile run before work. I was meeting Tiff for dinner so I had to make sure that I got that done. She and I met and caught up with each other. I had a lot to fill her in on since it had been 2 weeks and she was sharing what's going on with her.

Yesterday I made it to abs and booty class. I'm somewhat sore today and that's not a bad thing. I did set the alarm for a run this morning but that didn't happen. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning. I have the best chiropractor in the world! My right arm had been going numb so I knew it was time to go see him!

This evening I have dinner plans. Tomorrow night I purposely kept the calendar free so I can have a night at home! Saturday I'll be headed to High Point to see my nephews. Sunday is church, lunch and then maybe a run. I'm trying to figure out the next few workouts. Next week is so insane I'm not sure that I'll be able to work out much at all. I'll just have to see what I can figure out!

So thankful that tomorrow is Friday!

a mile in their shoes

During my FL trip I thoroughly enjoyed HGTV, Food Network and TLC. Friday afternoon while I was getting ready for the formal dinner I was watching Say Yes to the Dress until I started crying with some of the brides and I had to switch back to HGTV. I still love watching brides pick out the gown of their dreams!

Saturday afternoon before the dinner cruise we were in the room watching 4 weddings on TLC. I love this show! Patrice commented she couldn’t believe I still liked these shows and I was like, “why wouldn’t I”? I love all things wedding, even though I was so disconnected from my own wedding.

Before I ever met D I had said I didn’t really want a wedding, and I didn’t. I love all things wedding but the idea of dealing with all that previous to my own wedding held no appeal for me. Perhaps because my Mom had always had her own opinion of how it all would be. Perhaps because I didn’t have any sort of budget. There were a lot of factors that contributed to why I had no desire to plan a wedding. Then when I met D and we got engaged I was his 3^rd wedding. This just added more reasons to why I didn’t feel a wedding was necessary.

I’ve said this now a few times. I went into my marriage with no real expectations, other than that he would be nice to me. Apparently having no expectations was a recipe for disaster because oh my goodness that first year was such a nightmare!!! The following year and 8 months were not sunshine and rainbows either

There is so much that I have taken away from my experience that I wouldn’t have had I not made the choices that I made. My relationship with my Mom, because I learned how to communicate and establish gentle boundaries, is better than it ever has been! My appreciation for life and understanding that perception is 95% and a positive outlook makes everything better! My time in Al-Anon and all that I’ve learned. I haven’t been to a meeting since April but if I feel that I need to I know I can always go back.

I think the most incredible take away has been my relationship with the Heavenly Father. I’ve always professed Christianity as my faith. I grew up in private Christian schools. I’ve always understood Jesus died for my sins and God loves me. I’ve seen things that I’ve questioned in churches and certain practices that I don’t agree with. I quit going to church in college because I refused to be a hypocrite, but I still believed God loved me. I sporadically attended church through my 20’s because while I believed I still wanted to party and have fun and do my own thing.Turns out I can still go out, have fun, and not be a hypocrite.

I wanted to get married and I knew I had to marry someone who also professed Christianity as their faith because for me personally dating someone of a different faith would be way too complicated. I wouldn’t be able to respect their beliefs and feelings because I believe that God created the world, that Eve and Adam ate the apple, that Jesus had to die to reconcile us to God, that Jesus rose again on the third day, and that Jesus is coming again. I’ve always and will always maintain that I can be friends with anyone but marriage is different. Marriage is two people becoming one and when you are one it’s my belief you have to serve the same God.

Interestingly enough I married someone who knew scripture. Who professed Christianity. Who went to church most weeks. Who had been a pastor for 13 years. Who had spiritually abused his first wife. Who had cheated on said first wife, I didn’t find this out until after I met first wife last December. Who had a relationship that ended and then found out that there was going to be a baby. The baby arrived in January the divorce was final in March. He married another lady in August and she kicked him out in December. Why or how I was able to Pollyanna my way through all of this in looking back BLOWS ME AWAY!!! Clearly that underlying need to be the fixer overpowered any common sense. 

It has also been pointed out to me both by number one and by baby mama that my ex-husband is a master manipulator, con artist, and has a deadly charm and this all is very true. As I have still tried to wrap my brain around the situation with his ex-fiancé they have both reminded me how charming my ex can be. I have to remember that I lived the nightmare and if you haven’t lived through it then it’s really difficult to understand the magnitude of what he can be like.

I attended the Charlotte human trafficking round table meeting yesterday, Thursday 10/1. This round-table meets once a month to find out what is happening and talk about what’s working, what is not working, what is going to be happening, and making sure that most importantly victims don’t fall through the cracks or by the wayside. I attended the August meeting but the September meeting I had just started my job and I didn’t feel comfortable asking to go. During yesterday’s meeting we talked about human trafficking and the domestic violence factor. October is domestic violence awareness month.

The truth is when you’re in the midst of chaos and dysfunction your radar for acceptable and unacceptable becomes faulty. After I left I knew I was exhausted. I knew that I was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted. But for me it took distance to be able to understand that various situations that occurred had been abuse. I shared during the round table yesterday that when you’re in it, and when it’s happening, it’s your normal, so a person who is being trafficked has accepted this as their normal. That is why it’s so hard to rescue people from trafficking. Even once they are out the likelihood that they will go right back is very high.

Last year this is the time when I was dealing with my ex telling me that he loved me, that he hadn’t moved on, that he just needed one more chance, all the while dating and becoming engaged to someone else I kept praying for wisdom and discernment. I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment. I know that everything I’ve been through has brought me to the place where I am now. While my experience was very different then what a trafficked person goes through I do have the ability to understand that when you’re in it you can’t see it. I do have the ability to take a step back and let go of judgement. Even as I typed I realized the situation with his ex-fiance is one where I don’t know her story. I don’t know what her normal was. I don’t know what her ex-husband was like. It’s so important to remember that until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes it is so important to remember you don’t know the whole picture.

flags, reset, research, work

Yesterday I was in my yahoo email looking for an email in my sent folders. I apparently had already deleted the years previous to 2011 but all of 2011 was still there. I read an email to D, and I cringed. After I read that one, and moved it to the D folder, I deleted the rest of the emails in that folder.

It's interesting what you can see from the perspective of after the fact. Looking back I can understand the flags that were all over the place before I got married. I was talking to Tiff last night and interestingly enough part of our conversation was about understanding what to look for in the initial first dates phase. I think now, better than ever before, I can understand the process of determining the make or breaks when it comes to initially getting to know someone.

Last night I was going to go to the barbell strength class at the gym but I got home and I was tired and then I started researching something on amazon and I never made it back out again. I’m a little (or lot right now) discouraged about where I am with weight and size etc. I try to not focus or dwell on it but I really am irritated that I can’t figure out a way to move the scale in the right direction. So thanks to amazon I have a protein shake mix arriving at my house tomorrow. I have the beach trip this weekend so not sure exactly how this will work but I’m wondering if maybe somehow I can “reset” my body to actually let go of some weight.

The initial research started because Patrice was looking for something and I was helping her. I have an innate ability to research and find a lot of information. She will tell me she can’t find anything and I will research and find tons of stuff. I sometimes amaze myself at the information I can find via the internet!

This morning I had my first solo underwriting call. I did ok. I’m not thrilled with how it went but in all honesty a lot of the standard questions that are typically asked did not apply to the company I was talking to. Fortunately my assistant jumped in and helped me and overall we were able to get the information we needed.

Overall I’m so excited about my job and how very very cool that it is I would think it’s too good to be true except for the traffic I deal with!

5 Minutes

I tried on my formal dress last night to make sure the shoes I thought would work actually worked, they do. I about had a moment though. I’m not sure what was going on but my mom was struggling to get the dress zipped. I haven’t gained any weight (haven’t lost any either) so I don’t know why it was such a challenge last night. Regardless, it still fits, the shoes work, and in a week and 2 days I’ll be boarding the plane for FL!

Last week wasn’t as crazy busy and even the weekend which was decidedly over booked at the beginning of the week definitely eased up by the end of the week. I had a 10K Saturday morning. I pushed super hard to the point where the final half mile of the race I couldn’t run the last hill. The entire course is fairly “hilly” and the final mile has an uphill portion that I forget about until the moment I’m facing it and hating life and wondering why I keep doing this to myself!

I was supposed to go down to one of the farms to go shooting with a friend of mine but it had been so rainy we postponed that. I was supposed to take my friend Nicole out to dinner but she was sick so that got cancelled. I rarely go see movies but War Room was on a short list of movies I really really wanted to see! I asked my Mom if she wanted to go with me and we had a movie date on Saturday afternoon.

Sunday I went to the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and I had the 1 year old nursery during the 11. We had 8 babies, it was a little crazy at times! We had 2 of the older girls from the kid church (they were 11 or 12 I’m guessing) come in to help us. OK so I’ve been in nursery since I was at least 11 and keeping nursery on my own since I was 12. I was shocked (and panicked honestly) when one of the girls picked up a toddler underneath her rear end. I said please support her back she could easily fall backwards. These 2 just really didn’t seem to be able to understand how to help or what was needed and I was surprised. Next time I know of a young lady who is really good and I’ll be requesting that they go bring her back.

After nursery I met one of my small group girls for lunch to catch up with her. Then after I dropped her off at home I went home and fell asleep. Nursery is exhausting!!!

Last night I got to have dinner with the lady who was filling in at my previous company while they were looking to replace the operations director position. I always liked her and once I handed in my notice I was like now we can finally go to dinner. It was awesome to catch up with her! She and I are the same age. I’m not sure how often she’ll be back to NC since they found a replacement but I’m glad we got to have dinner last night!

This week I’m so excited! Thursday night Margs comes to town and Friday morning we are driving to the beach. My freshman year of college there were 2 girls who lived beside me. We’ve all stayed in touch but it’s been a really long time since we’ve seen each other. So this weekend we are having a reunion at the beach! I found an awesome deal through Airbnb and booked the place several months ago. It’s finally here!

I know I said I wasn’t going to do the online dating thing, and I wholeheartedly meant it. I’m not going to lie I’ve contemplated it several times over recently. The truth is for the next 8 weeks my life is way too crazy and insanely busy to try and add anything else to the mix. I also recognize and understand that I’ve only been officially divorced since April. I’ve had dates that have been fun and awesome and have made me realize that I don’t want to rule out dating but the flip-side of this is I’m really and truly happy right where I am.

I think I’ll give myself a lot more time to just enjoy where I am. Once I’ve passed the year anniversary of my divorce if I’m not already dating someone and haven’t dated anyone for a while I might have to reconsider my no online dating stance…. We’ll see. I know I have to be careful about trying to force my own solutions and my time line. I think I’ve realized that I need to stop making these kinds of “rules or decisions” for myself and allow for flexibility and re-considerations.

Accepting where I am

I drove to northern VA to visit my friend Jess this past Friday. Driving up I thought about the last visit in November 2014 and what was going on. I had found out about D's girlfriend. He had tried to tell me that he wasn't moving on and that he would always love me, blah blah blah.

I love where I am now. I'm incredibly thankful that God has done such a work in me that I'm in the place where I currently am! I don't take lightly the freedom that I walk in.

I couldn't help but remember that drive and the emotions from last year. I've said this before but with the way my marriage ending played out when I left I was not angry or upset. I'd already forgiven him for what had happened and I was done. I've had to work to forgive and let go of the major lies and attempts to manipulate that took place once I was gone and even more so let go of how things have been handled with his daughter. When I left him I was done but I still believed he was a good person. By the time it was all final I won't put into writing exactly what I think about him, suffice to say none of it is positive and I would use words that I never use and are more suited to a sailor.

When I think about my life now I understand how unbelievably fortunate I am. I have a life that I literally think I should pinch myself to make sure that it's real. Jess and I had a conversation this weekend about how once we let go of how we thought it should look and realized that the current view was awesome life suddenly became way more enjoyable!

In my marriage I kept trying to appreciate the good stuff. Unfortunately there was not enough good and the abuse began to outweigh the positive. I get hit with flashbacks and I have to stop and take a minute. I hate this! I hate that I can't just have it all behind me and that there are still scenes that will flash in my mind and take my breath away. The flip side, I've only been divorced since April. It takes time. I've done a lot of work and I'm in an amazing place and I give God all the glory. I also have to remember that it hasn't been that long since I've been out of it.

My visit this weekend I loved! I absolutely love the chaos of 4 kids, the loudness, the craziness, they are all really really awesome kids and I look forward to these visits. It also throws me into a weird place. Because I'm just not sure what my future holds. I love my job, it's fantastic! I can't imagine trying to factor kids into the equation. I understand that it's important to live in the now and appreciate exactly what I have and believe me I totally do! But there is this flip side of my brain that still contemplates the marriage and kids part of life. I have way better controls in place and I no longer feel this driving need to get married. I've been married it was the worst thing ever, I'll gladly be single for the rest of my life to never repeat that awfulness again. Yet.... I also understand that marriage can be a really good thing too. So there is that belief that it can exist and be not awful, not perfect, but overall a good thing...

It's looking like my dating pattern is 2 dates and they fall off the face of the earth. I've done lots of praying. I've already accepted that this particular area of my life is the one I struggle the most to control. I've already prayed that whatever God has next I completely and totally trust in His plan and I will stay out of His way and seek Him wholeheartedly. I've genuinely liked these 2 guys who I have met. I also recognize that I have only been divorced since April and I'm doing amazing and I'm thankful for where I am but I will live my life recognizing that God's timing is certainly not mine! Tiff gave my a key chain for my birthday that says, God's timing is perfect! She could not have given me a better gift!

I would love to believe that I will eventually get married again but even if I don't I know that whatever God has planned is going to be incredible!!!

5 minutes

Last Monday I started my new job. I am so excited for this new opportunity! The first week was very smooth and interesting and I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

I was able to get a 4 mile run in on Monday night. Tuesday I went to a strength training class. Wednesday morning I got up early and got a 3 mile run in at the gym. Wednesday evening I went to abs and booty class. Thursday morning I woke up and thought it might not have been the best idea to do two strength training classes back to back the week of a 10K...

Thursday night I had a date. We went to dinner and went bowling and I haven't laughed that much in ages! We played 3 games and I lost pitifully the first 2 but I won the 3rd! It was such a good time! After we finished bowling we went and got coffee and sat outside and talked for a long time!

Friday morning I got up early and cleaned my bathroom and vacuumed and then headed to Boone for the day. I visited with Donna at the store. I found a gorgeous ballgown for my upcoming Florida trip. I had lunch and then said goodbye.

Friday night we had friends over to the house and ate burrito casserole and played mexican train. It was such a fun night!

Saturday morning I had a 10K race and it was crazy hilly! I enjoyed the route, it's always fun to run familiar streets! I purposely didn't plan anything for Saturday day. I just wanted to relax and rest! I did clean my parent's bathroom. Before the race I took Jack over to my friend Nicole's house to spend the day. I'm going to a wedding in October and I had to find someone who could keep him because my parents are going to the same wedding.

I picked Nicole up at 6 and we went out for girl's night. My friends Amy and Anita joined us and we had an absolute blast!!! We stayed out way too late but it was totally worth it!!! I dropped Nicole off and picked Jack up and we headed home.

This morning I had the prayer service at 8, church at 9 and nursery at 11. We had 3 babies and I had the best time!!! I love nursery so much!!! I came home and watched Dirty Dancing. Last week we opted out of the movie since it was so far to drive, and I really wanted to just talk to my friends. I'm glad I watched it today though, it was fun to recognize the places in the movie!

This week I have to attend a conference for work which means late nights both Monday and Tuesday. I'm hoping to get up and get a gym visit in before I have to be at work. We'll see how it goes.

working out, hanging out, letting go, moving forward

Last Monday night I got a run in. Tuesday night I went to circuit class. Wednesday night I was supposed to run but it didn't happen. Thursday night I went to chair fit. Friday night I tried to run with Jack. That stinker ran to a point and then parked his furry little bottom on the ground and refused to go further until I turned him around. Saturday morning I had bootcamp. So I mostly got back on track for working out.

Saturday after boot camp I drove up to High Point to meet my newest adorable nephew. He's perfect!

I got A after church yesterday and spent several hours with her. I went to a class on Friday and while I was in class I got a text from the girl telling me how much she missed me and that she wanted to see me. I called her later that afternoon and we figured out that she could hang out with me Sunday. So we played pick up sticks, uno, skipbo, she watched Barbie Dream house on netflix. Jack Banner was thrilled to see her! After a few hours at the house she was getting restless so we hopped in the car and drove to Southpark. The American Girl Doll store is just outside of Macy's. We made our way up, she got distracted by the shoes in Macy's.

She enjoyed the American Girl store but she was way more interested in the animals than the dolls themselves. I took her to H&M which is across from the AG store and I think she had more fun in there looking at the clothes and shoes. After we finished up there we went and got her a cookie and found a perfect spot to watch the fountain. We wandered through a jewelry store and oohed and aahhed over the sparkly stuff and then made our way to Gap kids. By that time we had to leave to get her home.

This time around was way easier than when I had her for several hours last January. I miss her. I adore her. I think about her all the time. I didn't cry this time, it's still bittersweet, but I know that when she's ready to see me again she'll let us know and we'll get it figured out. Her mom and I had a conversation with her that she is free to talk about her Dad and she doesn't have to not talk about him around me. We told her how much we love her and I explained that I send her cards because I can't see her all the time anymore. She's 6 1/2 but I swear she's always been such an old soul. She'll do things that remind you just how little she still is but because she looks and acts so much older so much of the time it's hard to remember she's just a little girl.

The subject of her Dad is one that I have so many mixed emotions. So much was resolved when I went on my HQ but because I have chosen to remain a part of A's life there are things that come up and I have to remind myself that it's no longer my battle to fight. I might want to send an email or write an open letter detailing exactly my thoughts, and opinions, but instead I'm going to pray. I don't get to judge although sometimes I get downright judgmental because OH MY GOSH HOW CAN YOU BE SO (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) X INFINITY...... Then I realize that I actually married this person and that makes me start reflecting on what do I still have to work on. Because while I do have strong feelings regarding his failures regarding his child I have to remember to take those prayers to the Father and let God be God.I also have to acknowledge that long before him I was making bad choices and let's make sure that I don't repeat my own bad choices and mistakes.

This week my working out is going to be hit or miss for sure. I am supposed to have dinner with my sponsor tomorrow night. I should be able to get a workout in on Wednesday night. Thursday night I have church. Friday night I have a concert. Saturday morning I have a race. Saturday afternoon I have a shower. Sunday I have Patrice's baby W's baptism and I'm pretty sure I'm Godmother and then we'll have a party after that.  I think the following week is likely just as crazy. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the enormous blessings in my life!

Meetings, Calendar, Busy, Busy, Acceptance

The month is rapidly moving towards it's end. The Friday after the date that didn't happen I had the most amazing day! God totally moved the details so that I was able to have meetings with the organization that I'm working with that is involved in working with women who have been trafficked and the director of the Hope Center at my church and then after that meeting we had a meeting with an amazing place that among other programs offers equine therapy.

The day was just so full of God's details that I think we were all blown away! It was incredible to talk and connect people and events and hear what God is doing and think, wow! To know that He is so good and faithful and able and to be reminded to never ever put Him in a box!

After the meetings I drove home and threw clothes in a bag and drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. They are now expecting my newest nephew to arrive any day now. My SIL had requested that I come up for one last visit before the new baby and of course I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity!

We had a really good time! My SIL and I stayed up way too late watching Say Yes to the Dress. I still love all things wedding! I don't ever have to have a wedding but I do love all the details and planning for other people!

Saturday my brother and I took my nephew to Chick Fil A and then the park. Little H is outside every chance he gets! I left around 2 to head home and get ready for dinner with my friend Karen. It's hard to believe that we've now been friends for 11 years. We met at Peculiar Rabbit in Plaza Midwood area.

I used to frequent the neighborhood and I never had trouble finding parking. We were meeting for dinner at 6 and there was no parking to be had. I paid for a spot in order to avoid a ticket, being booted or towed. I figure $5 is a small price to pay. Sometimes living in a city that is so rapidly growing has those moments when I just shake my head. Progress is all well and good but it comes with aggravations as well. Especially when you have to drive everywhere and deal with traffic and parking.

We had an amazing dinner! I had not been there and I really enjoyed the shrimp tacos, they were an appetizer but as an entree it worked perfectly too!

That Sunday after church I met my friend Tiff for lunch. We hadn't caught up with each other in several weeks so it was awesome to see her! I feel beyond blessed to have friendships that have lasted for such a long time!

I fit a workout in before going home and getting ready for Patrice's Dad's surprise retirement party. I had THE BEST time at the party! It's always fun to get to catch up with people at a party like this. Patrice and I have literally grown up with each other since church nursery so many of the people who have watched us grow up were there. She and I shared a plate since we are both doing the no sweets and I'm doing the no white bread (she doesn't eat white bread regardless). We had plenty to eat and I even fed L his piece of cake.

This month schedule wise has been full! Monday night I did my volunteering, including a run where we got caught in the pouring down rain and had to be rescued. It's one of those awesome summer night memories and it was an adventure!

Right before we went for the run I had 2 missed calls a VM and a text message from D. There was a family emergency and he was requesting prayer. I did text his parents to express that I was praying. The truth is he does not need to be contacting me when there are emergencies. I understand that perhaps he wanted me to know, and I understand that prayer was needed, but what he fails to realize and understand is that I do not want him in my life in any way shape or form. I pray for him as regards his daughter. I have thought about it since last week and the truth of the matter is because of the way that he operated during our entire separation and divorce I learned more about him than in the entirety of our marriage. God rescued me and brought me out and protected me and has healed me from the wounds. When D contacts me I have to work to let it go, give it to God, and remember that I have been set free and I choose to continue to walk in the freedom that I've been given.

Tuesday I went to a class called life barre, toning and conditioning I like circuit better but since I had just gone to the chiropractor I need a class that was less impact.

Wednesday I had my Bible class at church. The class has been interesting and I'm thankful that I'm taking it but I seem to find myself doing the homework in lump reading rather than daily.

Thursday I had my 2nd chiropractor appointment of the week. It worked out that he had an availability for Thursday. Tuesday night we worked on my low back, Thursday we worked on the fact that my arm was going numb. My job definitely lends itself to way too much sitting and I have to be more intentional about getting up and moving around and stretching.After my appointment I went to the women's event at church.

The event was so awesome! I know that I am so blessed by the women's ministry at church!

Last Friday July 17 marked one year free from bulimia. That was such a huge, enormous milestone for me! I never believed that I would truly be set free and yet God totally and completely broke that hold. Yes I've had to choose to continue to walk in my freedom but He absolutely gave me the freedom!

Friday after work I drove down to SC. I hadn't seen my friend Margs and her family since February and it was a long overdue visit! She and I went for a walk Friday night that was awesome! Saturday morning I was up early and knocked out a 6 mile run on the trail in her neighborhood. Then we spent time at the pool. Her neighborhood has a front pool and a back pool. We went to the back pool and we had the whole area to ourselves for at least an hour and a half, it was fantastic!

We went to lunch and then I headed back to Charlotte. While I was driving home my other Margaret contacted me. She and her boyfriend made an impromptu drive to Charlotte to visit Ikea so we made dinner plans. We went to an old favorite of mine, Alexander Michaels. The food there is so amazing! Their friend Anita met us and she was awesome! It was such a fun evening!

Sunday morning I went to the 8 prayer service, I had nursery during the 9 service in the 2 year old room and then I went to the 11 service. Staying awake was a little bit challenging up until the object lesson that the pastor did. It was effective and it also woke me up, fortunately!

The rest of my Sunday I relaxed at home. I needed it! I have been so much on the go!

Last night I did my volunteering and then my friend gave me an interval routine that we did on the treadmills at her gym. Kicked my booty! I loved it!

I got home from work today and fell asleep. I didn't make it to the gym and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I've not heard from the guy I was supposed to have had the date with. I loved how the story unfolded and I was truly excited to go have coffee and dinner and talk further. Perhaps he will contact me but I am honestly not holding my breath. I just don't think it's going to happen.

When situations like last week with D come up and leave me unsettled, when the guy never contacts me again like what happened this past spring, when the date falls through and the plans change, these are the times when I struggle a little bit. I question my choices. I question if I can really handle the statement if God doesn't bring anyone into my life can I really accept it. The answer is yes I can. This is not because I'm awesome and strong and I don't need anyone. The reason that I can is because whatever path God has for me He has given me everything I need to walk that path and that calling. I choose to say yes to whatever He has for me, however it might look.

I'm watching the world around me and what's happening and I'm aware like never before that there are events happening that I never believed I would see in my lifetime. I had a friend post recently about how she's reading in the Old Testament and how there is nothing new that is happening now that hasn't happened before and we are called to be God hands and feet to those around us.

I fully and completely agree that I am called to be God's hands and feet to those around me! I also understand that prophecy has been and is being fulfilled. I recognize a physical pain in my heart over my friends and family who are not walking with the Lord. I've cried tears for those who blatantly deny God. Jesus died so that we would never have to be separated from the great love of the Father. There is no greater love then the cross. So knowing that people are outright rejecting this hope and promise of life is causing me to hurt.

I've talked to my coworker friend and shared the hurting. I recognize that nothing I say will change it. But by living my life holy and set apart, not because I'm awesome but because I recognize much God has done for me, and by sharing about what God is doing in every aspect of my life, my true hope is that I will be able to be the light, and reflect Jesus to all those who I come in contact with.

The world is spiraling faster and faster into the chaos and disorder and I know that this is only the beginning. I also know that Jesus came and gave His life so that everyone can have the gift of salvation. So as someone who is trying to learn to be more Christlike my hope is that others will be drawn to Him because of the Him they see in me!

The rest of this week is typically busy! Unfortunately it won't be busy with workouts since I have something going on every night for the rest of the week but again I refuse to feel guilty for not going to the gym tonight! I needed the nap! I needed the time to sort my thoughts!

Progress

I was supposed to be on a date tonight. I was so excited that I talked about it, which unwritten dating karma rules state that if you want the date to be cancelled talk about it to too many people... I don't actually believe in karma and I was excited and I did talk about it way more than I usually would have because I loved the story so much.

I have been looking forward to this night and I had really been having to keep redirecting my brain. I found myself questioning and snooping and quite honestly acting in a way that is not how I want to act. If I say that I trust the Father for His plan and that He has the details then in my actions I need to act this way.

When the message came through that the date had to be cancelled due to life, because things happen legitimate things, I was honestly embarrassed and deflated, I was so excited for this date. One because the guy is good looking, and that's always a plus, and two because I had a really cute fantastic outfit that I got tons of compliments on and finally because I was really looking forward to the date itself. I knew I was going to have a good time. I was looking forward to not only the food but the conversation and having the opportunity to get to know this person better.

I got the message as I was walking up the stairs from lunch. I read the message and my reactions were embarrassment and disappointment and then it was very nearly audible, "do you trust me"? It's easy to say that I trust God and His plan but this was where it was coming down to this just happened and I'm disappointed now how am I going to handle it. I said, I trust you, my life is yours, every part of my life is yours. I have prayed and given this up to you and I will acknowledge that this is in your perfect plan and I can rest in that knowledge.

I wrote back that of course I understand and that yes we could reschedule and to just contact me when he gets back from vacation and we'll get it back on the calendar.

This week I saw God's hand all OVER the details of meetings being worked out for the foundation that I've started volunteering with and the people I wanted to get meetings with being put on the calendar. All week long I've given God the glory for what He is doing. So if He's all over the details in this aspect, then He is just as much all over the details of whether or not I ever have another date with anyone.

When everything is going the way that I want it to I can be all "YAY GOD" but when I don't get my way and something that I was super excited about gets cancelled, guess what, I am going to acknowledge my feelings and then take a step back and remember that the master weaver is the one who knows the patterns plan.

typing out the thoughts in my head

My parents left for a week last Tuesday. This time around there was no huge drama that unfolded while they were gone. Last year when they left for TX was when I met that woman who felt it necessary to share every detail of conversation that she and I had with D as she was trying to maneuver her way into his bed.

Tuesday night I went to Sass Fit at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I went to a memorial service to support friends of mine who were saying goodbye to their friend. The friend that they were saying goodbye to had a severe asthma attack and was not ever able to recover. Her birthday is the day after mine, we shared the same name, she was 17 or 18 years older than I am. I unblocked D on FB because Concord is small and if they were friends I needed to be prepared to run into him. They were not friends so he was not there. Despite how far I've come and how much I've grown I have moments still and while I expect to see him occasionally at church there I know I am still very much shielded. If I had run into him at something like this I would hope he would maintain the distance I've established.

Thursday night I just hung out with Jack. Friday night I took Jack for a run. Saturday morning was bikini bootcamp. I also got a run in yesterday. Tonight I had plans to go work out. I took a nap instead. I think I'm struggling. I'm working on it. I really am. For the most part every day I'm doing really well. What would have been my 4th anniversary is happening on Thursday. I understand and accept that I could not stay in my marriage. I understand and accept that everything that has happened God has ultimately worked for His good and He didn't cause any of it but in the way that only He can He brought beauty out of the ashes.

It's just an odd feeling to know that 4 years ago I was preparing to walk down the aisle. I was preparing for a life, and ignoring red flags, and wholeheartedly believing that I was right where I was supposed to be and looking back and knowing the hell that unfolded in the weeks that followed it seems almost like a book I read except I've had to work through all of the trauma that I experienced.

Saturday evening I went over to my friend Nicole's for a little while and we hung out and talked. I took Jack and it had been a few years since he had hung out with her dogs but it ended working out just fine. Her Kahn really wanted to play with Jack and Jack was like, dude what is your problem. Jack doesn't know how to play with other dogs because he is used to being around his humans. It was good to talk to her, good to hang out.

I am in such an odd limbo when it comes to my life. In some ways things move on; every day I go to work, I have a busy schedule, I'm always on the go. I have friends and family, and I love where I am. Then there is the part of me that is stymied by the fact that I've ultimately ended up alone. All those fears about never getting married.the endless agonizing over what is wrong with me why have I not found anyone, and now I had everything on my list, and it was awful. Of course, my list was this, get married and have children, I got both in one day. I wouldn't trade the girl for anything in this world. I adore her. I'm thankful that I can still be a part of her life.

I know that there is a purpose and a plan unfolding. I don't doubt this at all. I'm faithfully moving forward with trying to get involved with working with victims of human trafficking. It's a slow process because my work schedule is not necessarily conducive to volunteering during the week.

The guy that I've mentioned, it's a situation where it's not even dating. We've met up twice. Occasionally I get a text message. I know the reasons why. I know that as much fun as he is and as nice of a guy as he is it's likely that we won't see each other again and I can accept that. I appreciate the fact that I actually had the opportunity to get dressed up and meet someone. Just knowing that I've gotten that first "date", although it wasn't really a date, out of the way is a really nice thing to be able to say I've done. In all honesty I used dating as such a distraction, and it was so much of my focus before I got married that having this much "me" time now leaves me having to constantly shift my focus. When my head wants to drift to the what if, what is going to, what will ___ look like I turn up the music or change the topic of my thoughts.

I'm learning. Every day is a new day. With having my parents gone and having my no longer anniversary fast approaching it's a process to stop the hamster wheel and allow the truths that I am loved, and cared about, and blessed and that my identity doesn't come from whether or not I'm married, what my job title is, whose last name I hold, but rather my identity comes from the fact that I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I'm made in the image of God and my purpose is to be more and more Christ like as I continue to grow and learn. Some days are better than others but every day His mercies are new.

The rest of this week is fortunately not crazy. Tomorrow night I have Sass Fit (circuits) at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I'm hoping for a run. Thursday night I have a ladies event at the Concord church. Friday night I'm hoping for a run. Saturday I have bootcamp. I'm trying to stay consistent with working out. I'm not sure why I've felt so run down and tired but I'm working through it!

It's only Monday, law have mercy! LOL! Here's to a fabulous week!

5 minutes

At some point last week the judge signed my divorce papers, I hope. Since I haven't heard anything one way or another I'm going with the no news is good news assumption.

Easter was so fun! I had nursery for the 9 service, I attended the 11 service and then I rushed home to help my Mom get Easter lunch served. It was so nice having everyone here and enjoying each other's company. I took Jack for a run after everyone left because it was so beautiful outside!

Work has slowed down significantly for which I am thankful. The downside, apparently I work better under extreme pressure. Now that I don't have 5 million things all required at the same time I have trouble focusing. I still have plenty to do. I have files that have to get published, July renewals that are supposed to already be done and August renewals that are supposed to be started.

I have been struggling to stay on task. I think that I'm perhaps a little burned out. I am off the last week of April to attend a Heartquest event. This is a week long retreat to get away and spend time with the Lord. Up until today I had been feeling extremely disconnected and unable to focus on the devotionals. There are 30 days of prep, 5 days on the retreat, and then 30 days follow up. I have been in this very weird place that I really don't like. PMS is real, and I know that a lot of my feelings are related to it this week.

Today was my first day to eat sweets after my year long sweets fast. Admittedly it's been a lot more sugar today than in the previous year. Including the large cup of ice dream from chick fil a at lunch. I ate half, ate my grilled chicken nuggets, and then the other half. I currently feel pretty nauseous.

I started the sweets fast when I was in a really bad place with the bulimia. I was freed from the bulimia in July of last year. Today I really wasn't prepared for the onslaught of memories triggered by the sugar. I actually plan to do another 60 day sweets fast starting tomorrow. I feel like I need to better prepare for this next one to end. I don't want to let go of the freedom that I have from the bulimia and eating sugar seems to be an enormous trigger. It's so eye opening to me that these things I think I've dealt with, and in some ways I have, have many different layers to them.

It's the way it is about D. I think I'll be doing fine and then Mom and Dad go out of town and I get hit with the unexpected like the GF having the conversation with him about the information that she has that he was telling another woman that he loved her 10 days before proposing to her. That left me in a weird place that weekend when my parents were out of town and I was struggling to stay accountable to not go back to old habits.

I've never been entirely sure why I felt like I was supposed to do this sweets fast I just knew very clearly that I was called to do it. In looking back I can see how the weeks leading up to me being set free from bulimia were positioning me and then afterwards helping me continue to move forward in freedom. There is something to all of this and I realize that I need to work through it.

I've shared in small group settings a few times now about the fact that I was set free last July. It's such an unnerving process to be this real with people because quite honestly people are likely to judge and while I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, and by sharing I might help someone else, it still leaves me in a vulnerable spot.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was and I'm not where I'm going but I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

The girlfriend

I wrote yesterday that I'm in a good place and I am! However, I admit there is still the factor of the girlfriend and I am doing my best to let go. I need to not research her further. I can only find so much, and I don't know this woman.

I had a feeling that I would like D's first wife tremendously and I was right. I have never had a desire to get to know anything about his second wife. Based on everything I put together I know that I would not like her. When it comes to his girlfriend now I have a feeling I would like her, I appreciate meeting very intelligent accomplished women and she is definitely that.

This girlfriend who will likely be his wife soon is a woman who I am having trouble accepting that she doesn't understand who he is. From the time I found out her name in October to now I have been praying. Somehow someway that she will not have to have the nightmare that I lived through.She is intelligent and accomplished and yet she is dealing with a charming two faced master manipulator, control freak, hypocritical pharisee.

Every relationship is different. Every story is different. I don't know her full story only the bits and pieces I've been able to put together. It could be that D has really changed.... Except I don't think he has. Actions are what indicate change. D's actions have all been the exact same as what I've observed the previous 3 years and in talking with his first wife his actions haven't changed in the past 26 years. So my concerns are valid. Except when I allow these concerns to spin I'm trying to control a situation that is absolutely none of my business. I need to get out of my head!

I realized  yesterday that by still trying to find information on her I'm allowing myself to focus on a situation that I can't change. I can't force a solution. I can't save her. I can't make this better. I have to believe that God, who works all things for good in my own story, will also work all things for good in her story.

So I will work to keep my focus on me and my life and I will leave this alone and trust that the God of details has all her details worked out too!

what if you fly

Driving in to work this morning I was thinking about this week last year. I met Lisa for dinner on Tuesday night. It had been snowing that day but nothing was sticking. We went to one of my very favorite restaurants, Thai Taste! I heard about her birthday weekend, and I told her the story of moving everything out of my house.

Wednesday morning I woke up and the weather people said the snow was coming! Tiff had reached out and offered to let me stay with her because if it did get bad she lives less than 5 miles from my office. I had the best time! We used the snow to keep beer cold. We hung out. We walked to the park.

I remember D had tried to get me to answer calls and text messages that I was ok. I refused to respond. Eventually my Mom answered his calls to their house and told him that I was safe and fine.

 I had a 2 hour work delay on Friday last year, which was Valentines because Charlotte got dumped on with snow. When it snows like that it shuts down this city! We don't have the equipment or man power to clean up winter weather. Even though we do occasionally get winter weather it's nothing like what happens further north.

I drove home from work only to get stuck on my parent's driveway and then get stuck in my Aunt and Uncle's driveway. I had to dig my little car out. That Saturday I drove to High Point to see my nephew and brother and SIL. *Sidenote: tomorrow I'll be driving up to see them again.* My original plan last year had been to go up Friday but I ended up postponing because of driving conditions.

I realized something else this morning while I was reflecting. For the second time in my life I had to get myself out of a really bad situation. In 2005 I went to Charleston with a guy named Mike. It was supposed to be a fun get away. The first night he called me a gold digger and said I was just out to see what I could get from him. Saturday I bought us tickets to go on a dark side of Charleston tour. We went into Charleston to grab food beforehand. I don't remember the exact tipping point but as the evening wore on he got uglier and uglier to me. After the tour ended we had gone back to grab a bit to eat at a restaurant and I had paid the check and he started yelling at me that it was about time I finally paid for something and he ranted and raved and walked away. The table sitting across from us came to check on me. I said I would be fine I was getting back to Charlotte tomorrow.

He came back and started in on me again. I got up and told him I was going to the ladies room. Instead I walked out the door and got in a cab. I had hotel security escort me to the room so I could retrieve my things and I paid for a hotel room for myself that evening. That was when I still had an actual limit on my credit cards. I called my friend Paula who called friends of hers and they picked me up the following morning and drove me to Columbia. Paula met me there and drove me back to Charlotte.

Mike tried to contact me a few weeks later; I told him that I was dead to him and never to contact me again.

I'm fully aware that there were comparable incidents with D before we got married. I have said many time over now that I would not change any of it because of where I am now. I'm also frustrated that it took all this for me to reach this point. I think it's why I'm now so accepting of the fact that my future is completely unclear. I don't know what the next year is going to look like. I don't know what the next 5 years hold. No one does, realistically, but when my goal was always to get married the plan for me was always pursuit of that goal.

I honestly don't think my future is going to hold a husband or children although I realize that God might surprise me when it comes to this piece of my life. I've prayed about this, acknowledged that I am willing to accept a future that I don't understand any longer. My prayer has become, Lord wherever you direct me I will go. Whatever your plan for me, I will accept it. I will say yes, no matter what that looks like.

When I went to the dream conference last weekend I heard a word that was encouraging and yet intimidating. We had the opportunity to submit a dream for interpretation. I hadn't had any dreams recently that I felt the need for clarification on. Then the night after I got the email letting participants know that we could submit a dream I had a dream, which I submitted the following morning. The word that I was given is that in 2 years I will no longer have to feel so pulled between the responsibility of my job and the stronger desire I have to be able to do what the Lord is calling.

Interestingly the way I would have handled this previously is trying to figure out how to make it happen. What did I need to do, what did I need to move, what did I, what did I, what did I… I've learned over these past few years that when I try to force solutions the outcome is never what I hope. I can rest in this word knowing that God is working out the details. He is such a God of amazing detail that I have no doubts that He already has started moving the pieces. I only have to trust Him and continue to give him my yes.

The party is a week from tomorrow. Honestly I wish that I had stuck with my original plan of not having a party. My girls want to celebrate and I get that. I am already moving on. I didn't want it to be referred to as a divorce party, and actually I have never called it that. I think they are calling it that. Which, that’s fine, for me this is a celebration of closing chapters and new beginnings.

I did send D a final email. I've kept communication to a minimum, especially after I told him at Christmas if he contacted me further I would send his GF every message he's sent me since October. I sent an email explaining why it was over in December, I sent an email calling him out for not spending time with A and in that email I said I would not contact him further. Which I wasn't except when I went to do taxes I ended up having to file joint.

Long story, short the government gets A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT of my money and paying instead of a refund made no financial sense. I sent a text from in front of my accountant asking if I could still file joint because when he asked me I had said absolutely not. I'm able to be humble when necessary!

The final email, my closure:

In light of this morning's text I am reaching out one final time despite saying that I wouldn't.

Thank you for paying for A’s enrollment and book fee and L’s enrollment fee. I’m thankful that you blessed Amy and the kids; it’s a huge financial burden that I know she carries.

Thank you for holding me accountable to tithing. I never grasped the reality of it until we got married. It’s hard to explain to others who don’t tithe why it matters so much. Because I had to be faithful with it I have seen how important it is.

I am very happy that you have met someone who seems to be very genuine and accomplished. I hope that y’all will be wonderfully happy. I do not appreciate the continued messages you sent me after you met her. Please be kind and loving and show her the respect she deserves. Please continue to work a program.

I fully recognize that I would not be where I am today if it had not been for our marriage. I explained to you in a previous email why we are over. I would not wish the experience of my years married to you on my worst enemy, much less a woman who I have never met, please do not do to J what you did to me. You say you have truly changed, if that's the case then she is a very fortunate woman.

This email does not require a response.

I’m thankful that things have worked out so well for us both. I wish you all the best.

I've determined that I won't reach out to his girlfriend. I've reached a place where I have wonderful peace about where I am. I am truly thankful for his girlfriend because she is the reason I know he won't drag out the final process. Since she thinks he's already divorced he can't say a whole lot. I can't see what he says anyways since I have blocked him on FB in order to quit looking at what he's posting.

Reaching out to his girlfriend could potentially stir up drama but oh I do wish that I could reach out to her! From the research I've done this women is amazingly accomplished and someone who I would want to meet. Her Linked In is incredible! I don't think D has really changed and it does bother me that she is likely buying into his lies but I have to practice letting go and letting God. Regardless of how desperately I want her to understand what I think she should know about D, it's unlikely she would be receptive. I pray on a regular basis because I am not kidding about not wishing my marriage experience on my worse enemy! I pray somehow someway she will not have to go through what happened to me.

I allowed the email to D to be my way of doing what I could to request that he not hurt someone else. I allowed the email to be my final statement. I'm not angry, not upset, not bitter, I am thankful. My marriage was the vehicle that God used to get me to the here and now. I'm not God, and I'm not going to try and play God. It's now my responsibility to stay out of the driver seat and let God direct where I go from here.

Moving on

Life is crazy. All the time. It doesn't seem to change so I'm going to stop saying it.

Thursday I went to the lawyer, signed the paperwork, drove home and then went for an 11 mile run. I got home, showered, got ready, and drove up to Patrice's house. I hung out there until I went to the Awakened event at the Concord church.

Friday morning I was at work and then that afternoon I drove to Concord to attend the opening of the Hope Center. I'm so excited that the Concord church has opened this in our old building. I left from there to meet up with my friend Vada for a few hours. Then I went to the Concord church where I attended a conference on dreams.

I've always believed God speaks through dreams and Friday night we talked about dreams and how God speaks and different types of ways that God speaks. It was amazing! I'm so glad I went!

Saturday morning I ran the UNCC 5K. I would have skipped it except my Mom's department puts this race on every year and my friend Nicole was running with me. I left from there to shower real fast and I made it to Concord by 11 for the rest of the dream conference.

The conference ended at 3 and I went home and crashed!

Sunday morning I went to the 9 service. I had nursery during the 11 service and then Patrice and I went to lunch. My small group kicked off at 2 and we went to Panera where my group will be meeting. No one was able to come Sunday but I was there. I actually have 4 women who are going to be a part of my group, which I’m so excited about!

The rest of Sunday I rested!

I found out yesterday that D signed certified for the divorce paperwork. The papers could be sent one of several ways. They could mail them and he would have to sign in front of a notary, I told the legal secretary I knew he wouldn't do that. I could send them certified and once he signed then we were good to go, which is the option I chose. Had he not signed certified I would have had the sheriff serve him the papers.

So now he has 30 days to counter and then the paper goes to the judge and then shortly after that everything will be final.

I'm so thankful that this is almost done! I look back over everything that happened during the year that has passed and I'm amazed! I think the biggest surprise for me was that I was still able to be hurt so much by him. I didn't realize how numb I was when I left. I knew he would have a girlfriend and be engaged but I didn't expect the actuality of it to hurt me.

I sent out an email to my girls about celebrating the closed chapter. I debated, and reworked and thought about previous fun things I had attended. I realized I didn't want to do what I would have done before I got married, which would have been a night out partying. That just doesn't fit my life any longer.

One of my favorite events was several many years ago, a valentine's party that Chuck (not CF&G but the first Chuck) and his roommate had at their house. Everyone brought their favorite bottle of wine. All the bottles were in a paper bag and we rated our favorites. The winner took home a gift.

I talked to my Mom and she loves the idea. So we are creating a menu that is going to be so much fun and will pair with many different kinds of wine. I asked everyone to bring their favorite wine in a brown bag and we will number each one and taste.

The party motto is every new beginning comes from another beginnings end, thankful for new beginnings! I'm going to provide the champagne for an after dinner toast to new beginnings!