Letting go and moving forward

It is worth stating that tomorrow is the last day of September. While this month has flown by, it feels like the start of the month was ages ago instead of just mere weeks.

I went to Abs and Booty class on Thursday night. Per usual it was a fantastic workout and I never regret going.

Friday night I went to my Al-Anon meeting. These days when I go to meetings I usually don't get emotional. I'm out of the situation with my qualifier and I find my life is so much more serene. Friday night there was a share from a spouse who is still living with active disease and the person talked about having to detach with love and I felt the tears. I could so clearly feel and understand the pain in the sharing. Then the next share talked about being frustrated with the dog even though it was not the dogs fault and I started crying. Which, meetings are such a safe place that it's safe to cry, but I don't cry in public. I made it through more counseling sessions then I can count without tears but this night the shares just hit me. 

Not only did I cry, but I got in the car and I was shaking. Apparently the past is not as far in the past as I like to think it is, and this is why I still go to meetings.

These past few weeks have been filled with memories that hurt. I guess August was the month for the memories that were positive and September has been the month of remembering the really difficult stuff.

Saturday morning I went to shake and tone, think zumba with weights, I love it! I went to lunch with my friend Alicja. I went by my storage unit to pull out my clothes so I can switch out wardrobes. I went to the Saturday night service at the Charlotte church since I had a race on Sunday.

The message series for September has been on giving. I give, so I kind of felt like it was not relevant to me but regardless I appreciated the word. For a very long time I did not tithe, and while I gave I was never consistent with it. It wasn't until a few years ago that my tithing became consistent and I began to also give above that to various things. I had always planned to but had put it off because I never had extra money.

Interestingly enough, the more that I give, the more there is to give. The company that I work for has a matching funds program where I can choose to have them match, up to a certain amount, the money that I choose to allocate for different non profits. Last year I gave more than the year before and this year I will give more again, and in all truth and honesty, I have never missed the money. 

This year I also chose to adopt a child through Compassion International. I chose a child who has the same birth day as Audra, although he's a year younger. I decided that since I might never have children I could adopt a child, and maybe more and I have been so incredibly blessed by this opportunity. 

This didn't all happen immediately. I was tithing, and then I gave towards something, and then I gave towards something else, and now I find that it's just not an every once in a while thing but I have several things that are really special to me. I've been blessed and I have been called to be a blessing to others and I'm amazed and thankful and I want to give more and more.

I ran my 5K on Sunday. It was a 5K and a 15K. With where I am located training for a race longer than a 10K is kind of a hassle. Since I'm going to be here another year I think I'm going to have to just suck it up and figure it out. I feel like I'm ready to start increasing my mileage past 6 miles again.

I learned an important lesson on Sunday. I have a friend who runs races and she is very fast. She is also very fit. I took a picture of her as she was coming in to the finish line and I posted it. She made the comment about how fat her legs looked. Her legs are all muscle. However knowing how I feel about pictures I asked her if she wanted me to delete it and she did. I realized that if this tiny, beautiful, amazingly shaped friend felt that way then we are all fighting our own battles and it doesn't matter what size you are you will still have your own struggles. I'm tracking calories and exercising but I'm trying very hard to not beat myself up and accept where I am.

After my race I came home and cleaned the bathrooms, took a nap, and then made more progress on switching out my summer and winter clothes and shoes. With each time I've done this I've pulled out the clothes and shoes that I haven't worn and I've put them in a bag to donate. I enjoy clothes and shoes very much and I really love to shop but I don't want to be too attached to things, especially clothes and shoes. This is a huge change for the woman whose room was essentially one enormous closet. 

I'm honestly not sure what the coming year is going to bring and I want to be as ready as possible for whatever might come my way. 

Trips, family, friends, and so thankful!

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14. This verse in context is a word that the Lord gave to Moses when he was leading the Israelites after they left Egypt.

In context of my life I was waiting to hear back from the previous tenants. I had emailed last Wednesday that I was ready to send the check and I was not hearing anything back. That had me concerned. Legally I knew I was in the clear but had a lawsuit been brought against me I would have had to have hired a lawyer and that is NOT cheap. I would have been cleared but out the legal fees. I really clearly heard that the Lord was fighting for me and I had only to trust in Him. 

I rested my knee last Wednesday instead of running and Thursday night I went to Abs and Booty class. The usual instructor was out of town so the lady who was instructing Thursday night did more abs than usual. Oh my word!!! It was effective but I was so sore on Friday and Saturday!!! Love a good workout when I know that it made an impact!

Friday morning I was up early and out the door by 6:20 to head up to Monroeville, PA. I stopped a few times along the way and arrived right around 3. My Godsister picked me up from her parent's house and we talked and hung out and I got to catch up with her. That night she made dinner for me and her Dad and another couple who were also staying at my Godparent's house and after dinner we said goodbye to Kristy and her family and went to see my Aunt Linda, my Godmother, who had to work on Friday until 10. She works for a television station in Pittsburgh and it was fun to see the studio.

Saturday morning I got myself up and out the door by 6:30 and got a very hilly run in! The hills in Monroeville are no joke!

Kristy's youngest had a soccer game on Saturday morning so we went to the soccer game, me Aunt Linda, Pat, and then afterwards stopped by Salvation Army where I scored a new purse for me and several things for my nephew. I spent $21 total and I got some great items!!!

Kristy's oldest had a soccer game at 11:15 so we went back to the ball field to watch her first game, she had a double header. After the first game we took the youngest home and rested at my Godparent's house for the afternoon. We had early dinner plans for Bravo which is on the river in the Pittsburgh area.

Dinner was amazing!!! Then we walked around and checked some of the stores on the river front.

Saturday after dinner I pulled up my email and I had an email from the previous tenant. I was so thankful to finally hear back and I mailed out the check today. That is all finished and I am glad that the chapter can now be closed. 

Sunday morning was church, followed by a church potluck lunch, followed by a walk for me and then just hanging out at the house. Usually when I go up for a visit I am with my parents but this trip I got to go solo and it was really nice to have that time with everyone. Mom and Dad kept Jack Banner and they had a busy weekend at home.

I left this morning at 7 and drove back to NC. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to go up! I'm so thankful that I didn't have to worry about what I would be coming home to. Last year when I had gone up to visit with my parents when I came home I got home on a Monday and he was ugly to me and I did not see him sober until Wednesday. Then I only saw him sober for an hour and when I got home from my workout class he was already drinking. So not having to come home to that was a wonderful blessing!

As much as I write out on here about the process of moving forward in everyday life I stay busy and I have plans through December of fun trips and races and time set aside for friends. I have to experience all these feelings and I have to process but I also know that I am so blessed to be able to spend time with family and friends. I am so thankful that as I am moving forward I have so much to look forward to!

When I got home Jack and I took a nap and then I took him for a run. My knee seems to be improving which is good since my next race in on Sunday!

Catching up

I have been unprepared for the realizations that I have faced that I wrote about in my previous post. While I always realized that my marriage was really (X100) hard it's disconcerting to read stories and realize that it was more than just really difficult.

Meanwhile life is moving forward at it's usual rapid pace. My tenants moved out and I chose to rent out the condo for another year. I felt for safety reasons my best choice would be to stay with my parents until everything is settled. So on September 3 I got a text that the place was empty and I went on September 4 to check things out. I met with the new property manager and made a list of things I needed to do.

September 7 I spent all day long cleaning and painting and getting the place ready. That Thursday I had my carpets cleaned and they looked amazing! Then I had a message from the new property manager, I have a tenant. Imagine my shock and delight since it took 6 months and dropping the rent several times in order to get the place rented. I admit and acknowledge this is a total God thing. I prayed a lot about this choice and finding the right tenants.

I sent a text to the previous tenants on that Saturday about pro-rating the rent and the fact that the condo was rented again. I found out that they wanted to get the curtain rods out and they bought a new shower head. I told them I would pay them back for the curtain rods and the shower head as well as the pro-rated rent.

Unfortunately, and this is the reason I had a property manager, this process is not going smoothly. The former tenants called the property manager and she found out through them that the place had been rented. She told me to get the keys back from them myself. Meanwhile I don't know what the lease said and if they get their security deposit back and I have nothing to do with that, the pro-rated rent and payment for the curtain rods and shower head is coming out of the rent I received from them for September. They have still not responded to my request to let me know how much the curtain rods and shower head were and were to mail the check to. All of this, I'm reminded, is in God's hands and He is faithful and I know that He provided the new tenant and I know that He has all this in His hands. 

I went last night to a connect night at the Charlotte church. Our life group leader is out of town and she asked Tiffany and I to go and talk to people. We have 3 new ladies for our group and we are very excited. It was like a more grown up version of sorority rush. It's definitely outside my comfort zone to talk to that many strangers but we did it and it went well.

Work is busy, oh so busy! Monday when I went to log on  I did not have access to the server. We had a version update over the weekend and there were several of my coworkers and I who had no access to any of our systems. 2 hours later I was finally able to start working.

I had the Hit the Brixx 10K last Saturday morning. It wasn't hot but the humidity was 100%. I've come to realize that I do not run well in humidity. This year I've had some very strong races, and some really terrible races. This 10K falls under the terrible category. I was much slower than I like, although my splits on runkeeper all show less than a 10 minute pace the official time for the race says my pace was 10:40. Not happy with this. Also not happy with the fact that my left knee is now funky and I know I'm going to have to get in to see my chiropractor, again. 

Tonight I planned to run but instead decided to just stay in. I need to run but I'm trying to give my knee a break and see if that helps at all. It's like a tight band across the front of it. 

I'm driving to PA on Friday to spend time with my Godparent's and my Godsister and her family. I'm very excited! Originally this was going to be when I flew down to Florida to see Patrice but since she has moved back to NC I switched things around and I am flying to Minneapolis to see Lisa in October, I am so excited! 

I have a lot of wonderfully exciting things coming up. Work, overall, is going well. I'm incredibly blessed! I just keep moving forward!

Why She Stayed

I have been reading various articles that talk about dv. I have a friend who teaches 2 classes and in those classes are men who have been sent there by a judge because they beat the woman (and or children) in their life. She is the first one who said I was in an abusive situation but because of the circumstances I had to distance myself from her. I wanted, beyond all reason, for my marriage to work.

The conversation in the media and online started due to a situation with a football player and his now wife who were in an elevator and the altercation was caught on tape, there is a record of what happened.

Huffington Post published 6 stories of survivors, and why they didn't just leave.

FB is not the forum for my story. Here, although most of my known readers know me in real life, I write with a certain level of anonymity. I'm not ashamed, I'm not a victim, but I don't believe that I need to share this kind of story on FB.

That first summer that I was married, I lived with someone who was frightening. I got married way too fast. I didn't understand the flags. I made the choice to stay because there was a certain level of needing to figure out me, needing to know that I had done everything that I could. I made the statement, more than once, that had he ever hit me I would not have stayed. Yet in looking back in what happened, unfortunately, the stories that I read, I can see parts of my own story.

There is the idea that you can love them enough, or God can give you enough love to love them, and for me I definitely prayed to be able to love my husband. There is the fact that there are periods of normal where you go and do normal stuff and have fun times and enjoy each other and you are lulled into believing that things can be better. There is the idea that maybe it's not as bad as what you think and it's all in your head.

I was driving to church this morning thinking about those years. I thought about those times of normal and fun. I thought about the many many times I prayed protection over myself. The many times I got in my car and left because I feared for my safety. I thought about the fact that I moved all of my things out without a word because I knew from past experience that this was how it would have to happen. I planned very carefully before I finally left.

I am thankful that I pushed back against the total isolation. I'm thankful that despite having to deal with the arguments and accusations I still made time to do things with family and friends, even though having to deal with the after was so miserable.

When I was at the women's conference last week it struck me how I didn't have to leave wondering what I would walk into at home. I didn't have to worry about dealing with a mean jerk who was waiting to pick a fight.

I don't have to write out the stories. I don't think it's necessary and some are actually saved in my private blog. I'm turning off comments. I'm writing because I need to process, I need to let my thoughts out of my head.

I'm beyond blessed that I have such amazing parents, family and friends. I'm beyond fortunate that I found Al-Anon as soon as I did. I think that because of Al-Anon it was one of God's ways of protecting me the most. Teaching me the most. Ultimately allowing me to have what I needed in order to walk away.

I am thankful to be where I am today. Thankful that my life is moving forward!

Convinced Conference

Last week I had the opportunity to attend the women's conference at the Concord church for the 2nd year. It was so absolutely amazing! They offered a time of personal ministry during the afternoon on Friday I had not originally signed up for ministry but at the last women's night that I went to I knew that I needed to ask to be signed up for it and very specifically to ask for prayer concerning wisdom, discernment, having the words when I need them, and the boldness to say the words. So I emailed the assistant and she put me on the list.

 

Driving to the conference on Thursday night I was praying, I’ve felt so much guilt over my decision to leave because I keep thinking that I didn’t do enough. However, I have 2 ½ years of broken promises and I know that things have not changed and I know that he is moving on. The active alcoholism exacerbated the other factors, and while the active alcoholic is currently in recovery there were a lot of other factors that are still alive and in place. As I was praying the story came to mind about the Israelites when they left Egypt and God reminded me that He had in fact rescued me out of the situation. Even still looking back I can see exactly how He worked out all the details. Then I was reminded how the Israelites feared what the future was going to look like and they started complaining and while I’m not complaining I’ve definitely been working on letting go of needing to plan out all the details and trying to tell God how I think it all should look.

Friday afternoon I went to my assigned room and team for my ministry time. I did not know any of the 3 ladies in the room and they do not know any of my story. The time frame was 30 minutes and we opened with quiet time in prayer and then they shared what they were receiving from the Lord. Cl explained that even before I had come in she had seen a flower, intricately designed and just basking in this field in the presence of the Lord and how He was pleased with the time I’ve been soaking in His presence. Which, this year especially, I have stayed focused on seeking Him in a very different way than ever before. Then Ca said that she saw an archway just filled with beautiful flowers but she wasn’t sure exactly what it meant. Which Cl picked up and said that archways are entrances, and perhaps a new beginning that will be beautiful. Then there was picture Kn had of a school of fish swimming not striving not trying to force anything and Ty had the picture of the restful pool of clear blue water. Cl had the verse about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air and not worrying about how it’s going to look…

After the first 20 minutes Cl asked if I had anything specific to pray for and I said yes, and explained that my requests were for wisdom, discernment, the words to say and the boldness to say them. I explained that I can write but sometimes in tense situation I lose my ability to verbalize words. I want to have the boldness to speak the words when God gives them to me.

So the picture given during this was of a shaft of sunlight coming out of the clouds, and that God will provide the words. Driving back up on Friday night I saw the most beautiful shaft of sunlight coming through the clouds and if I had not been going 70 on 485 I would have taken a picture of it!

There was one additional part that I thought was interesting. Cl had a picture of skeleton keys on a key ring. Last year I had a dream about this huge building (maybe a hotel not sure) and there were bodies everywhere and I was trying to hide but everywhere I would try to hide there would be a body. This was during that first round of counseling in dealing with the bulimia. Last year I knew the dream had something to do with everything that I was trying to work through. Then this year as I have continued to struggle and the word came at the first Woven night of the last class that I just finished and I had felt the tentacles break but I had some dreams recently where I was engaging in unhealthy behavior. I’ve been healthy since that night of Woven Connect but my dreams had been bothering me because I would wake up having to tell myself it wasn’t real. So when she said that about the skeleton key I felt like it was the Lord reminding me to just keep the doors open and keep sweeping out the skeletons.

Immediately after my session I went and sat down and wrote it all down so I would not forget. To receive such confirmation that I am right where I am supposed to be was really special!