6,5,4,3...

It just hit me that yesterday was 6 years since I had my first date with CF&G. Which I can believe that it's been that long ago. I've come a long long ways since then.

This time 5 years ago he and I had broken up and I was trying to sort myself out from it all.

This time 4 years ago I had broken up with Kendall and was starting to see the holy roller.

This time 3 years ago I had just broken up with Rick and was still pretty livid at him for the way that all played out. Knowing what I know now, while I still don't agree with how he started seeing someone behind my back, I know that this definitely worked out in my best interest.

Because he and I broke up I applied for my current full time job. I had a phone interview, a week later a face to face interview, and a week later they offered me the job. 2 weeks after that I started working at my current job, October 19, 2009.

I participated in the Lung Strong 15K on October 17, 2009 and that's when I met Shawn. We had our first date on October 25, 2009.

This time 2 years ago I had started seeing various people. In a few weeks it will be 2 years since the best first date I ever had. I kind of know why that situation played out the way that it did. I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

This time last year I was struggling. I was trying to do my best but my best was usually just not enough. The other night Mr. Clean was playing with Jack. We'd had a conversation regarding the statement "that's just my personality and you have to accept it" and how this is not an acceptable statement. This was my husband saying it wasn't acceptable not me.

When he was talking about this my heart about flipped over. Last summer one of my major prayers was for heart change. That conversation was a huge indicator of how much God has done. Mr. Clean playing with Jack, and showing him affection, another enormous indicator of the hand of God in our lives.

I eventually quit praying specifics and a lot of the time just said I'm giving this up because I no longer know what to pray. I still do that.

We still have moments when I get very frustrated or very discouraged, but then I have times when it's so clear to see what God is doing.

I spent a lot of time dating and breaking up, as indicated by the first part of this post. I switched jobs, switched guys, and spent a lot of time chasing this illusive idea that I thought I knew I wanted.

When I quit running from God and started running to Him I started to find my own serenity and peace. I'm so thankful!

Hair cuts, and clothes

Tuesday night I was out walking Jack and I got a forwarded text from Mr. Clean. Amy had texted to say she couldn't do the tangles and long hair anymore and Girl Clean needed a hair cut. Not long after that we received a picture. Her mom sent this picture today. I purchased the dress for her and she has worn it every day. She's on a John Deere tractor. Her hair will grow.

I have a wedding that I'm going to on Saturday and I plan to take Girl Clean with me. Today I went shopping to find her a dress to wear. I found a beautiful chiffon swing dress, and I love it. I'm just concerned that she's going to look 10 and not 3 1/2.


Via

The other dress I found is cute and I think it wouldn't look as old but I'm going to let Mr. Clean make the call on which dress she wears.

Via

His tastes runs older anyways so my guess is he's going to choose the swing dress. I just need to find a little cardigan to go with it. She has some pink shoes that are going to look really pretty with it!!

I promise to try and remember to take pictures of our outfits for the wedding. Mr. Clean may or may not join us, this is all dependant on if he buys himself some pants. All he owns are jeans and I told him that he can't wear jeans to the wedding.

I plan to run with Jack tonight and then just hang out. Last night I was in bed by 9. I didn't make it to the gym but it was worth it to be able to be in bed that early! This week has truly been an excellent week and I am thankful!!!

If you really knew me

This delightful little post has been floating around my favorite blogs and since I'm falling asleep at my desk I needed to do something to wake me up.

You would know that when I listen to music I pay attention to the words, and there are songs I change because I don't like the lyrics. I don't ever just hear a tune and it's why country music has always been a favorite of mine.

You would know that when I'm at home I like to play Pandora on the TV. We have a google TV and it's amazing. It was Mr. Clean's birthday present to himself. I have 5 stations to Mr. Clean's 1.

You would know I'm not afraid to speak up in front of a group of people.

You would know that it's only been in the past 3 years that I've been running. I was always a walker, and I would go to the gym but 3 years ago I started running.

You would know that even though I do go to the gym and run I still have to force myself to get started.

You would know that I can lose myself in a book and transport myself into that world. Karen Kingsbury, Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Norah Roberts both have the writing ability that allows me to do this.

You would know that last summer was the first time I forced myself to read books that were not light easy romance reads. I'm glad I branched out I've really enjoyed the books by Beth Moore, Francis Chan and Jim Cymbala.

You would know that I've been known to pass up food calories for beverage calories or candy, but not both it's one or the other.

You would know that I can cook and I can bake but I don't do complicated. I look at a recipe and if it has too many steps I move on.

You would know that I love to shop. I love clothes and shoes and jewelry and putting things together. I have no singing ability, I can not play a musical instrument, I can't dance (very well) and I am terrible at painting and drawing but I do have an eye for putting an outfit together.

You would know that I love to create outfits for my 3 1/2 year old because she still lets me. She is my little fashion doll and I adore dressing her up.

You would know that I know I need to not give Girl Clean all her new shoes at once because I'm spoiling her but it was too much fun to pass up seeing her reaction to the shoes I purchased for her.

You would know that I tell people getting married as quickly as I did is a very (x 1000) bad idea if the person has never been in your life and you don't really know each other.

You would know that I have learned how to stand up for myself, fight for what I believe in and be thankful in all circumstances!

You would know that I religiously read blogs but I can't comment from work if it's a blogspot blog without it's own domain so if I have your email I email you comments instead.

You would know that purple is my favorite color, Jack Banner is my favorite animal and I have a ridiculous sugar addiction.

You would know that I can't wait to read more of these because I love them!!!

5 Minutes

Last week was interesting. Monday I had to go to the dentist for my temporary crown. There is a tooth that has had 3 root canals and I finally had the temporary crown put in place.

Tuesday night I had my meeting. I gave the program. I used the slogan "easy does it". When I first sat down my original intention was to use the topic of anger. Instead I found that slogan in 2 different readings and felt that this was the topic that was my better choice.

I went into the meeting frustrated. I left feeling lighter.

Al-Anon is for the families or friends of those affected by problem drinking. The only requirement for membership is that there be the problem of alcoholism/addiction in a family member or friend.

There are many meetings offered at many times during the day. I have found a Tuesday night meeting that I love that I go to each week. We all take turns signing up for the program, and we choose a topic, read al-anon conference approved literature, and then we open the floor for others to share how they have applied, for example, easy does it, in their own experience. Or even how they haven't and how it might help them in the future.

I started attending my meeting end of October last year. In some ways it's hard for me to believe that a year has almost passed. Pretty much on a daily basis I say thank God for Al-Anon. It has given me the opportunity to figure myself out.

I have 2 books that are daily readers. I love them. They help keep me in check.

Wednesday night I cleaned the office and then headed home.

Thursday night the weather was so gorgeous. It was and is gorgeous right now and I am so thankful!!! I took Jack out for a run and it was amazing!!!

Friday night I picked up Girl Clean. We were in the car talking and I told her when we got home she might want to check her shoe drawer. As soon as she walked in the door she made a bee line to her drawer. She had all the shoes out and was trying them on, it was too cute!!!

Saturday morning I took Jack for a walk. The gorgeousness of the weather is fabulous!!! I got home and changed and got Girl Clean ready for ballet. After ballet we picked up her Dad, he'd taken his car for some maintenance and then we headed to pick up Jack's heartworm medicine and to lunch.

Last year I talked about how we went to New Bern for my birthday weekend. While we were there Mr. Clean ate a huge burger and all the fries and the burger was free. That same restaurant has opened a location in Harrisburg. Mr. Clean wanted to be the first one to finish the burger. He called his family and they met us at the restaurant.

He ate the whole thing. Again. It's his "thing" and he was excited. He was also sick for the rest of the day. I went to church solo that night.

Yesterday I tackled my 8 mile run. I was in a horrible mood when I woke up; I had 0 desire to do the run. Once I got out and got started I was fine. In fact at the end I even added a little and did better then 8. I was in a much better mood once I was finished.

I was thinking during my run. I might not be happy with my current size. I might in fact be very frustrated. I am still making myself run. I am still making myself go to the gym. I have finally, hopefully, had a breakthrough with Mr. Clean regarding dinner and the fact that I don't need/want him to cook for me. I think I may be able to get back to my happy size again.

I got home and we talked about what we wanted to do. It was just too gorgeous to stay inside so we took Jack and Girl Clean to the park. It was awesome!!!

Yesterday evening I was super excited!!!! Lisa was flying in and I was picking her up. I had a plan in my head for a Mexican place but poor planning on my part and I didn't actually know where it was. Instead we went to one of my favorites, Cabo. SO yummy!!!! It worked out just fine!

I am thrilled I got to catch up with her!!!! She's going to be in Charlotte for work a few more times so I'm hoping I get to do this again soon!

Last week I was so frustrated and negative that every time I sat down to write I just had to delete everything. This week has already started off a 1000 times better!!!

Happy Monday!!!!

5 Minutes

Friday night I picked Girl Clean up from her Grandparent's church. Amy was decorating for the 50th anniversary party happening the next day. Her Grandaddy, Amy's Dad, has been pastor at this church for a long time!

The trip to the church was easy and shorter then my normal commute when I pick Girl Clean up. The trip home took FOREVER. Harris blvd in Charlotte during 5pm Friday rush hour, ridiculous!!!!! Seriously it took over an hour to get from the church back to our house which was only 17.89 miles.

Mr. Clean had dinner ready when we got home. Then we watched Lady and the Tramp. I haven't seen this movie in years, and years! Girl Clean and I were totally into it! She and I went to bed and she watched it again.

Saturday morning I had my 10K race. It's the worst time I've had out of the 3 times I've run this one. I did better my first year then I did this past Saturday. I'm hurting still today so I know that I pushed myself. I really don't understand what went wrong.

The stupid last hill was not helpful. I've been running hills so I know that physically I should have been able to handle it but for whatever reason Saturday was just not my day for a race. According to the clocks the first 4 miles I was running around a 9:50 per minute mile, which would have been less then the first year, but last year I did way better. Lisa was running with me and actually pacing me, which makes a huge difference. My final time was a 9:56 per minute mile, my first year was 9:53, last year was 9:17.

I know that next month the 15K I won't be running for time. I just want to run to finish it. If I can run a better pace then the 10K I will be happy!

I got home and did some chores. Girl Clean got home from ballet. We had lunch. Then we got ready. We took Girl Clean to her grandparent's anniversary party and stayed for a little while so I could meet Amy's family. I was so happy to put names and faces together!

Mr. Clean and I left and headed to Trader Joes to figure out something for dinner. We rented what to expect when you're expecting from Red Box. I really liked the movie, but I'm glad I didn't pay a theatre ticket price to see it!

Sunday I took Jack for a walk and then we went to the 11 service at church. We got home from church and chilled out the rest of the day. It was awesome!!! I read 2 books and while I did think about going to the gym I decided to just let my legs recover!

Happy Monday!

food, shoes, shopping, and clothes

This week my husband has made the most awesome meals. We went out Monday night, and that was nice. Tuesday night he made a pasta with fresh veggies and shrimp, it was perfect. Wednesday night he made one of my favorites, chicken noodle soup. Last night he tried his hand at making a Greek pasta dish, that was amazing!!!

Oh so very good, yum!!! Just thinking about these meals again makes me smile!

I asked Girl Clean's mom about her shoe size. I have been collecting size 11 shoes for fall. I realized after her mom responded with "I think she's going to be a 10 a while longer". That she did not actually change shoe sizes until January of last year. So girlfriend has some really cute shoes ready to go for when she does move up a size.

I had a 20% off piperlime coupon and piperlime is part of Old Navy, Gap, and Banana Republic, translation, Piperlime takes my ON credit card... I've actually purchased several pairs of shoes for the girl off this site. They have Stride Rite, and a lot of other really great quality brands.

What I found out this morning, when I went back to the site, is that you can go into any of the websites, place items in your bag and when you check out you pay for them all at the same time. ON has some really cute pink sparkly ballet flats on sale right now. I had placed those in my shopping bag yesterday. I had also placed a pair of tennis shoes and casual shoes in the bag from piperlime. I knew I had a coupon so I waited until this morning when I had my coupon to place the order. I was thrilled to purchase all the shoes at the same time and my grand total with the coupon was $57. These shoes will carry her through until she outgrows them and I did not spend an outrageous amount of money, GO ME!!!!

My friend Vada told me I'm going to give the child a shoe addiction. I said that it's too late. She had that long before me. She has always loved shoes from the time she was old enough to know what shoes were.

This afternoon I will pick Girl Clean up from Amy. Then we'll hang out tonight. Tomorrow morning is my 10K race so Mr. Clean has the responsibility of getting Girl Clean ready for ballet. I'll have everything laid out but I don't know that he's ever had to put tights on her before. Hopefully this goes OK.

I'll leave as soon as I finish my race to get home so that I can get Girl Clean ready. Amy's parent's 50th anniversary party is this weekend. I'm going to get Audra dressed and take her to the party so that Amy can focus on the party and what she has to do.

Last night Mr. Clean had a bid at a potential clients which left me home for a little bit. I was able to organize my closet and watch a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. Last weekend I discovered that this was on netflix. I was so excited!!! Girl Clean sat with me and watched the pretty dresses. Mr. Clean may have said don't suck her into your world. I told him too late!

Happy Friday!!!

Hobbies

I was having a conversation yesterday when it hit me that for a very long time my hobby was dating. I would get bored and reactivate a profile. I would date thinking I knew all along what I was looking for.

I had a pretty rough 2 weeks end of August and start of September. In all honesty I thought that life at home was reverting back to what it had been 5/6 months ago. This journey has been an interesting series of revelations about myself.

When asked what my hobbies were I would explain that I worked 2 jobs, so that took up a lot of time. Then I would also say working out, baking, Jack. In truth these were all things that were a part of my life. But my primary focus and main objective for a very long time was dating.

It's interesting the perspective I've been given as I listen to the stories of one of my good friends as she goes through the separation process. As she goes out and meets guys. She had, for a long time, been unhappy with her life. She finally made the decision to end her marriage. So I watch and listen and realize a few things that I can learn.

While the first year was by far miserable more often then not, I learned some important lessons. I learned that I am my own person. I learned that I do have a backbone. I learned that some things are worth fighting for.

I had to take time away because life had reached the point where it had become unbearable. I knew what my husband was capable of in regards to being a better man and he was NOT following through and working to his potential. He also was sorely mistaken in thinking that I would be treated with anything less than dignity and respect.

The key factor that motivated change was the fact that despite all the messed up factors that make up my husband and I we do love each other. He loved me enough to want to figure out a way to change so that I would stay. I know that underneath the absolute and utter jerk that he can be that he has a heart that is special. There was something worth fighting for, and so after 2 weeks I went back.

There have been blips and times when I feel that we're slipping. Someone pointed out to me that really I'm just being tested to see if I will maintain my boundaries and hold to what I expect. Which, this makes sense to me.

Honestly when I look back at all the guys that I dated... There are none who I think I could have made it work with. Maybe I could have, I don't know, I didn't marry any of them. I married my husband, and despite the challenges, the frustrations, the moments when I just want to walk out and slam the door behind Jack and myself I also realize that there are really awesome aspects to my life with my husband.

While life has not been at all what I expected, it has caused me to grow up, and truly evaluate myself. I stated last summer that I had always just run away. I would avoid truly having to deal with me. What my marriage did was force me to stop running from God and from myself.

I was thinking about how Jack can stay out of his crate on the weekends now. He could probably stay out during the week too but I think he likes the safety of his crate in our bedroom when we're not home. I like knowing that he can't get himself into any trouble with Mr. Clean.

I have pointed out more then once that I don't try to tell Mr. Clean what to do, and he needs to show me the same courtesy. He's trying to remember this. If I choose to load my BBQ sandwich up with 3 kinds of slaw, BBQ sauce and hot sauce then that is my choice. It's not an insult to his cooking that I choose to do this. If he has issues with it I have made it clear that he can just quit cooking for me. I'm thankful that he cooks, don't get me wrong. I just want to be able to eat in peace.

I think the challenge of it all has been good for me. While it's not what I would have chosen it's shown me just how much I am capable of. This situation has made me realize that I can take care of myself just fine. I'm thankful for the life I have. I realize that I am blessed. I wouldn't trade my life.

3 pairs

Last night I cleaned the office. I hurried home so I would be able to walk Jack. I LOVE the cooler temps. I do not love the fact that it is now getting dark before 8pm. He and I were on the road (sidewalk) at 7:10, we got back to the car at 7:50, and it was almost dark.

Last night I had a melt down after my shower. I am refusing to step on a scale right now. I have 3 pairs of pants that fit. My jeans, while they all fit, are not fitting the way that I like them to. I was venting to Mr. Clean and he thought I was blaming him, go figure. I wasn't. I just needed to express my frustration at myself.

I did this to myself. I own my responsibility. I am working out, I am being consistent. It's going to take time to undo the gain that I've created. However, it still frustrates me and makes me want to have a flat out tantrum in regards to the subject.

I've hit the point where I can't take it any longer. It's harder because I have someone who buys the groceries. I have 2 people who have food in the house that I purposely didn't keep in my condo. If it's there I eat it. I know I shouldn't but I get home from work, and I'm hungry. So I'm trying to be conscious. I am running. I am working out.

This has been coming for a while. It's just so flipping frustrating!!!!!

11 years

11 Years. In some ways it seems completely possible. In others not at all.

I was interning at the television station in the PR department. I had just "officially" graduated from App. I was dating Benjy, who lived in Atlanta and worked downtown.

I had just arrived at work when the first plane hit. Then the next one hit. I don't think I understood the gravity of the situation immediately. It was surreal.

We drove to a ladies house and she had the news on. We were doing an interview with her for br3ast cancer awareness, she was a survivor. I remember watching the news on TV.

Lunch that day was at Thomas St. Tavern in plaza/midwood. It was oddly quiet as everyone watched the TV's.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a book called One Tuesday morning, and it was based on the story of a family and the events of this day 11 years ago.

So much has happened in the past 11 years in this country. In the world. In the lives of my family and friends.

This day changed perspectives. This day created a need to re-evaluate and take inventory. This day made us remember that nothing is indestructible. This day made us hold tighter to those we love.

We will never forget.

Tuesday

Yesterday afternoon I arrived home from work and changed clothes. I did not put any sunscreen on while at the fair. I have a very deep red sunburn on my chest as a result of neglecting this item. It hurts!!!!!

Mr. Clean and I went out to dinner. There was an all you can eat wing buffet that he wanted to try, he'd told me about it last year but I always worked at the restaurant on Monday nights. So we finally got around to it last night.

After dinner I headed to the gym. I was a little concerned about how much it would hurt with the sunburn. I put on a soft t-shirt and sucked it up.

This week my workout plan is the gym for last night and Wednesday night. I plan to walk on Tuesday and Thursday night. Friday night I will be picking up Girl Clean. Saturday I have my 10K race. I specifically don't want to run this week in order to keep my legs as fresh as possible for Saturday.

I talked to the dentist yesterday. Remember back in 2010 when I had a root canal? Then I had to have another one? Then a couple months later they had to re-do it again? I switched dentists and the drama was still going on.

That tooth has just been hanging out. I have long believed I would lose it but until the dentist said it had to go I was holding on to it. I had a dentist appointment a few weeks ago and the dentist decided she wants to try a temporary crown to see if the tooth might be able to be saved. They submitted the paperwork to insurance and insurance approved this. So yesterday I made the appointment and next Monday I'll go in and pray that it doesn't hurt too much!

The weather here has turned amazing!!! I am LOVING the temperatures and the gorgeousness of outside!!!

5 Minutes

Friday night I stretched my legs by taking Jack for a walk. I knew I had to head to bed early. I am officially old. I was in bed by 9 so that I could be up early. 8 miles was waiting on me and while I was looking forward to it I was not dreading it either.

The weather was so incredible on Saturday morning. Humid, yes. I was sweating early on and by the time my run finished I was completely disgusting. It's OK the run was done. I hurried home to shower and get dressed. Girl Clean had her first Angelina ballerina class at 9:30.

She loved the class and after taking classes this summer she was ready to get back in her dance shoes. I love knowing that she enjoys class so much. We left from class and picked up our new computer. Mr. Clean and I both have really old lap tops. He just bought a new one that is supposed to be ours. However I really want to see if mine can be fixed so that it doesn't move slower then molasses in January.

He had to get his hair cut so I took Girl Clean to the nail place next door. $4 for her nails plus $1 tip. I figured that $5 was a small price to pay to keep her occupied while the hair cut was going on. She picked green sparkly polish, the girl is so stylish!!

After a trip to pick up groceries we headed home. I had nursery Saturday night at church. It was my first time in a new nursery, I've always volunteered in the nursery at the church I grew up in. The church we go to now has an actual structure and way that things are done. I really enjoyed my time in the baby toddler room. We had 3 girls and they were all so incredibly cute!!!

Sunday morning I took Jack for a walk. Then at 1 we met my MIL, SIL and nieces at the fair. Oh my goodness, Girl Clean rode everything she was big enough to ride. She's tall for a 3 year old so she was riding stuff that I can't ride. I don't do anything that spins or goes upside down. I did do a roller coaster that went around forward and around backward and that one about did me in. The sad thing is I used to be able to ride anything it was not until adulthood that I started getting carsick and was unable to do rides.

Girl Clean had a blast!!! She went upside down, she rode the 0 gravity ride, seriously anything she was big enough for she did!

I had cleared it with Amy to have her back at 7 on Sunday. We left the fair after several hours and headed home to feed Girl Clean dinner. Fortunately Girl Clean did not have any sunburn. Her Dad and I can't say the same, we are both red as lobsters!

Overall it was a really nice weekend. I really enjoyed the fair and riding the rides I was able to ride. I got my run done. This Saturday will be my 10K and then I'll try to fit in a 9 mile run the following weekend and I should be ready for my 10/13 15K.

Jack Banner really can't understand why he's not running these longer runs with me. I have tried explaining that his little legs are not made for more then 5 miles but he would argue (if he could) that he is still going strong after 5 miles, unlike me...

Happy Monday!!!

Running, Discouragement, back to normal

It's Friday and I'm happy!!! The fog has lifted, which is nice. I'm excited because last night I discovered a new neighborhood that will be perfect for helping to add to my long runs.

I got home last night and dinner was ready. I took Jack for a 3 mile run. I drove around and let myself get a little lost so I could discover some new roads.

I have a decent sense of direction. I knew if I kept my bearings about me I could wander the roads and find my way back to the main one that I usually run on.

Finding this has improved my moral considerably. I will say that the main road I run on is at the top of a hill. This is going to be not so much fun when it comes time to have to run uphill to get back to the main road. However, I'll figure it out.

Last Friday I was frustrated and discouraged, and with good reason. For all the progress it's easy to get in a funk over situations that seem to be repeating old patterns.

Fortunately this week has shown that instead of reverting back we are continuing to move forward. I'm thankful!

Tonight I'll be taking a walk with Jack. I have to be in bed early in order to face the 8 miles waiting for me bright and early!

The DNC has left the city, thankfully!!! It was cool to hear "live from Charlotte" though, I must admit.

Happy Friday!!

Thursday Varied

After yesterday and talking through steps 1-3, as well as the rest of the conversation I feel so much better today!!!

She pointed out some things that I hadn't realized, or I had but hadn't taken the time to note that they were significant.

A friend of mine asked me today how married life is going. I was able to answer honestly that last week was rough and I got really discouraged but this week has been a lot better. It's about progress not perfection

Tuesday night I did one of those workout videos, and yes it was an actual VHS tape. I have tons of DVDs but I wanted to see if this particular workout was as tough as I remembered. I think I have the DVD version of the same thing I need to remember to check.

I didn't think it was that challenging but my abs kind of hurt today, I'm shocked. Jack Banner was a little confused about why I was on the floor, he thought it meant it was play time, so I implemented him for resistance on my ab work, he wasn't a fan.

I left my office yesterday afternoon and was holding my breath as far as what traffic would be like. Fortunately for me I was easily able to make my way up the highways and traffic was even a little lighter then usual.

I cleaned the office and headed home. We went to out to dinner, which was nice. Then I didn't let myself sit down I changed and headed out to the gym.

Last night at the gym the music playing was taking me back, Shaggy took me back to my college days. Then there was Matchbox 20, college again. Another song took me right back to 2004 and still another took me back 2 years ago. Saturday they played a Nirvana song and I texted Patrice and pointed out that this song is well over 20 years old and how weird is that and when did we get old.

Mr. Clean is 9 years older then me and I think I give him a lot of I must be old moments.

Today is the final day of the DNC. I'm glad that everything will be returning to normal around here!

Girl Clean will be starting back to ballet this Saturday. I'm excited for her. I'm also thankful that we're doing the hand off at class. This means that her mom gets her ready and I won't be quite as pushed for my 8 mile run that has to get done on Saturday morning.

My time is ridiculously slow. Tonight I'm going to drive the route I hope to run to make sure that it's safe. I'm also going to see about purchasing some mace to carry with me. Since I'll be starting the run before the sun comes up I am a little concerned about taking extra safety measures.

Tomorrow night I will make sure that I go to bed early, so that I can wake up early, and get this 8 miler done!

I'm thankful that this has been a short week. I'm thankful that tomorrow is payday, even if it's all gone out before it's even there. I'm thankful that I'm not where I was, and I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

1-3

The program I'm in is a 12 step and in order to move forward you have to actually work these steps, novel I know.

I have felt like I've done the first 3 for months now, but I never went over them with my sponsor so while I've done them, I haven't officially "done them".

Until today. I set up a phone meeting with my sponsor and we went through steps 1-3 and now I'm cleared for 4. Which she said that one took her a year. With my track record it might take me that long too.

What are these steps? I know I'm being vague and that's rude. I'm going to paraphrase.

1. Admitted I was powerless and life was not manageable.
2. Came to believe that only God could restore my sanity
3. Chose to hand my life and will over to God.

The next step will be an inventory of me. Which will be interesting. As we were talking I realized just how much has changed. I was encouraged. Last week was not an easy week but this week has been significantly better.

I have to remember that change is happening. It might not be in the time frame I would want but it is happening. I'm thankful for my program. Thankful for my sponsor. Slowly but surely I'm learning. I know that I have things to work on and I know that I'm not the only one changing and growing. I have to remember to give credit and appreciate the changes, both in me and in others.

worms

In this age of easy access to people's information it would be easy to FB any and all of my old boyfriends. I would imagine they are all on the site by now.

I drove to High Point Monday and wondered if I will ever not miss Josh when I make that drive. I wondered the same thing on my birthday when I drove to Boone. I know my reasons for walking away. I know that sometimes some relationships are just not meant to be. It does not lessen the feeling of melancholy I feel when I am reminded of him.

This is not to say he treated me all that well. So I could also look at me and say what in the world is wrong with you that you feel this kind of melancholy over someone who you walked away from because they never did understand that you needed to at least come next to football if not before it...

With the DNC in full effect I have been thinking of Jeff. He was a large player in bringing that convention to Charlotte. The temptation to shoot off an email that asks how things are going is huge. I want to know. I'm curious. I also want to know how he is.

I remind myself that he didn't have time for me. That he completely fell out of the picture. That he was married to his job and I have no business contacting him. Why open a can of worms that has no business being opened.

I have no desire to ever date again. For so long I wanted to be married. I'm trying very hard to make my marriage work. This means not contacting any ex boyfriends. This means keeping me in check. They are ex boyfriends for a reason.

I'm trying, trying to stay positive. Trying to look at what's good. Trying to get my focus on something bigger then myself. I was and am thankful for last nights meeting. In all honesty the biggest part of me wants to just give up. For all the positive change and growth and continued change and growth this is all just so flipping hard. I can't compare my life to anyone else's, it's mine. So this means, for me, that I continue to walk the path I'm walking.

I have two good friends going through divorces right now. I hear the challenges, the ins and outs, what they are going through. It makes me realize that I'm not there yet. For as much as I want to walk away, it wouldn't be that simple. It's also not the right choice for me, nothing changes if nothing changes and I have changes that I need to make. I have some more work to do on me. A choice to walk at this point would be me trying to force a solution and I know from the past that this doesn't work.

Melancholy over the past is just a feeling. Curiosity is another feeling. It's fine to feel these feelings. My choice is to acknowledge them. Accept them. Now I put my focus on moving me forward. It's not time to give up. It's not fair to just walk away. There's too much good stuff, that right now I'm ignoring because my focus is off.

I know that I'm not where I've been, I know I'm not yet where I'm going, but I'm going to live right where I am.

peace

Yesterday the thoughts in my head were swirling. I was trying to figure out how I know when I'm truly wrong, and when I'm not. Which sounds like it should be black and white but it's not.

Last night at my meeting the topic was on step 9, which is making amends. Which after listening it clicked. This will be how I figure it out. Because there's a process to it and I suddenly felt my fog lift.

I also shared about the story from Thursday and there were some really great points. Questions like what had happened before and what was the real issue. Well earlier that day I had expressed that if we had dated longer then we wouldn't be married. Which caused hurt feelings. Then that just boiled over.

Making amends is not necessarily apologizing. There's a difference. There was also a statement about forgiving yet not forgetting which is also necessary. If they keep doing the same thing over and over and you keep letting them then that's not a healthy pattern. Instead if you choose to forgive but then remove yourself so that they can't keep doing the same thing again, that's healthy. I'm learning.

I will say that coming out of my meeting I was in a much better mental place then when I went in!!!

This morning driving to work was challenging. Not because of traffic but because I was struggling to stay awake. I had the window down. I was doing everything possible to keep myself alert. Once I arrived at work I took a 15 minute nap and that helped. I left 10 minutes earlier then usual because I wasn't sure what traffic would be like.

Our office is under high security I actually had to use my badge to even get in the front door. One more day and then life will return to normal!

5 Minutes

In short form. Friday instead of the pool Girl Clean and I hit the library for books and DVD's. She was feeling kind of warmish so I didn't think the pool would be a good thing. After the library we hit up the pet store and Marshall's. Dinner Friday night was with my parents.

Saturday I took Girl Clean to paint pottery with my mom and her friends and then they took us to lunch afterwards.

Sunday morning I had to do a long run. I ran 7 miles. I read about the girls running these super long runs and gearing up for marathons and this is so not me.

I have no desire to ever run more then a 1/2 marathon. At this point that's not even on my future race list for anything on the coming calendar. I am preparing for a 15K, which is 9ish miles.

I had to figure out 7 miles before I could run them. There are no really great places to run a longer distance where I live now. At my condo, I could easily run a loop that was 7, 9, 11, 13 miles. I miss it.

I didn't love my run Sunday, it hurt. I've started taking glucosimine. I'm trying to remember to do my stretches and all the stuff I'm supposed to do.

Sunday after my run we ran errands then I had Girl Clean home at 5.

Yesterday Jack and I went up to visit Bean and Jelly. My parents came up and we enjoyed time together. It was the first time since Grandmommy's funeral that the 5 of us had been together.

I'm in a very very weird place right now. While overall the weekend was good, I'm struggling with the conundrum of when am I wrong, when is a situation something that I should apologize for, or is it as ridiculous as I view it to be. I didn't stay home on Thursday night I took Jack and my friend Nicole let me stay at her condo.

I don't want to be insensitive. I don't want to give the impression that I am always right. I don't want to negate feelings. I also don't want to be controlled or manipulated. In all honesty I feel lost. I have my meeting tonight. I have my first meeting with my sponsor tomorrow to start on my step work. So I move forward. One day at a time.