apologies

I received an apology last night. A good one too, that was sincere and effective.

Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if I'm right, or if I'm the one who might need to make some changes too.

This particular situation, was a record on repeat, yet there were other elements thrown into it.

I have some things I need to work on. But mostly I just needed to point out all that I have done, and why I handle things the way that I do.

I will take ownership when it's my responsibility. I will admit when I'm wrong. I will also not back down when I know that I need to hold my ground.

I had my meeting last night. The topic, personal responsibility. I think for a long time I looked for others to make me happy, to fill a hole. This is not realistic. I'm not sure where this idea came from, and I'm certainly going to make sure that Girl Clean realizes that she is responsible for her own happiness.

I have to clean the office tonight. Then I need to go to the gym. I probably won't feel like it but I will go anyways. I almost left my cleaning bucket at home because I forgot to set it by the door. Fortunately I didn't get further then the drivers seat before I remembered this detail.

Tomorrow after work I will pick up Girl Clean and she will hang out with us this weekend. I'm hoping the weather on Friday cooperates and she and I can go to the pool.

I'm thankful that the statement this too shall pass has proved true yet again. Happy Wednesday!!

Tuesday

Yesterday I mentioned I wasn't very happy with Mr. Clean. Today, I'm still not.

Nothing like going back and forth and back and forth. To his credit, he's more willing to listen then I am. To my credit, I've reigned myself in to a degree (or 2) from where I was yesterday.

I refuse to not make time for friends and family, end of story. I also refuse to spend the rest of my life fighting over it.

This too shall pass.

I looked back over the summer weekend updates, I'm glad that I was able to have so many fun memories with Girl Clean. I'm also glad I recorded all of it. It helps me win my argument.

In other news. The DNC is coming to Charlotte. It's not here yet, and I'm already ready for it to be over.

The president is supposedly staying less then 5 miles from my office, oh joy. That's going to be a headache traffic wise!!!

OK positives, I had a good workout last night.

I started taking glucosimine for my joints. This is supposed to help my knees. I have been doing my exercises to strengthen my knees. Hopefully all this helps.

I have purchased the cutest little green jacket for Girl Clean and it was less then $3, I love Goodwill!!!

I had a fun time at the shower Sunday. I am excited about helping in Little Church. I have choices and I don't have to accept controlling behavior, and I won't.

Life is a journey, and I am thankful that I'm not where I was and not where I'm going. Happy Tuesday!

5 Minutes

I'm super not happy with Mr. Clean at this moment. I'm doing my best to get over it. I know that I need to work on my attitude, I'll get there, maybe.

Friday night I picked up Girl Clean and we drove home. She stayed with her Dad while I took Jack for a walk. Saturday morning I had to be up early.

I ran 6 miles, started at 6. OH MY GOODNESS the weather was GORGEOUS!!!! It was SO perfect!!!! 59 degrees starting off. It was heavenly!!!

After my run I had to shower and change to leave for the car shop. My front brakes needed to be replaced, not the back. So after the oil change and new brakes I headed home. The check engine light is for my thermostat something or other it can wait so I'm not going to have that done just yet.

Saturday at 1 we were at my inlaws for lunch. I got to pick the menu and it was yummy!!! Chicken, and veggies followed by a birthday cookie!

Saturday evening I took Girl Clean to church and Mr. Clean stayed home and rested.

Sunday I was supposed to see Tiffany but she had to rain check. I had a shower for one of the girls I used to babysit for. I love showers like that, I got to see all kinds of fun people and catch up.

I left the shower, ran by the house to let Jack out and then headed to church. I'm volunteering in little church and they had training from 4-6 last night. They are rolling out a new format and I'm excited to be a part of it!

I booked my plane ticket for Florida on Friday. SO EXCITED!!!!! I can hardly wait to see Patrice and meet baby L!!!!

My friend Nicole and I were talking about motivation. I am running and working out. I need to eat better. I am simply not motivated. I am, I mean I'll complain all day long. I'm trying to not say anything because I know that unless I'm going to do something about it I need to keep my mouth shut.

I need to take deep breaths. INNNNN ANNNDDDD OUTTTTTT.

My tip for the day, don't get engaged after dating for 4 weeks and if you do make it a really long engagement!

tears, celebrations, and life in general

I mentioned last week I was crying over dumb stuff. I was. I think tears are sometimes legitimate. Like when your friend's daughter starts standing up on her own, and your friend thought it might never happen, totally acceptable to tear up, even to have tears fall.

Dumb tears, reading about the panther who wrote the letter in the Charlotte paper about how we're going to win the Superbowl. Not that it's not a fantastic gesture, but tears are not acceptable.

This is all my opinion and since it's me, I'm entitled to this. For years I went without crying over stuff. I was able to stuff all my emotions and it wasn't healthy but that's where I was.

Sometimes tears are necessary.

It has hit me at odd moments that my Grandmommy is no longer here. I haven't deleted her number out of my phone. I found a valentine's card from here yesterday. I am blessed that she was such a part of my life for so long!!

Yesterday I left work to go to the dentist. The tooth that had all the issues has been hanging out ever since. It now has a crack and we're going to maybe try to see if a temporary crown will be covered by insurance and see if that helps. Now I'm totally freaked about chewing on that side, because what if I crack it.

My check engine light came on on my way home from Boone Tuesday. I have to go today and have them read whatever it is. Then I'll have to go back on Saturday morning to have them fix whatever it is. Please don't let this be terribly expensive!!!

My birthday present from Mr. Clean is new back brakes. I'll be having that done on Saturday along with an oil change. I hate dealing with car stuff. Spending money on real life grown up stuff is such a drag!!!

I need to register for my 10K, the price goes up after tomorrow.

I love my husband I truly do. I know that I married the right man for me. Every relationship is different and truly can't be compared. I remind myself of this because while I get the sweet stuff I also put up with not so lovely stuff.

He did give me a visa gift card that he received, well 2 actually. One to use for me, one to use to buy clothes for Girl Clean. I scored a pair of Crazy 8 jeans, 3 Children's place tops, 1 jacket and an Old Navy dress for $33 at the consignment store today.

I was supposed to go to dinner with my parents tonight for my birthday. I called my mom this morning and explained that I would much rather have dinner with them next week. I need to work out tonight. I got home too late from the office last night because of my dentist appointment. So I will be having dinner with them next Friday night, with Girl Clean.

I have next Friday off work, and I will have Girl Clean. I'm throwing around different ideas in my head of what to do. When it's just her with me she can sit with me while I have lunch with a friend, she can shop with me. I don't have to do kid specific stuff with her as long as we're going and doing and staying active. I genuinely like having her with me.

I'm hoping traffic when I leave work won't be too horrible. Fingers crossed!!!

Happy Thursday!!!

Birthday 2012

Monday evening I arrived home and knew that dinner prep was on me. Mr. Clean was mowing the lawn. I am incredibly thankful for the rain we have had. Said rain has kept Mr. Clean from mowing the lawn and it was starting to be a little scary to walk in. Especially considering the swarms of mosquitoes that come up when you put one foot into the grass. I'm being especially careful regarding Jack's heart worm meds. Mosquitoes are what cause heart worms in dogs and they swarm my dog whenever he goes to do his business.

I stopped at the store to pick up a few things. I decided that I would grab some noodles to add to the bag mix of noodles and vegetables I was making. We had determined we would have chicken stir fry (kind of) for dinner. I thought these would add something to it. I got home and my husband tells me that the mix already has noodles and doesn't need anything extra. I agree and send him back outside to finish up the yard.

I started the chicken in the skillet and the noodles that I bought in the microwave. Then once those noodles were finished I cooked the stir fry mix in the microwave. I finished up the chicken and cut it into chunks. I mixed the noodles with the stir fry noodle mix and it was too "noodly" so I checked our freezer. We had a steamer bag of Asian style veggies. I cooked those and added them to the mix. Dinner turned out great! I made sure that I buried the bags of extra noodles and veggies in the trash.

Mr. Clean finished up, showered, and had his dinner. We were sitting talking and he says, see that mix didn't need the extra that you were going to add to it. Followed by some kind of commentary that I didn't listen to because I was quietly gloating. He had no clue just how much I had doctored it all. I was happy with dinner and contributed for the evening. That's what matters to me, and honestly he liked dinner and didn't have to cook so he was happy too.

Tuesday I allowed myself to sleep in a little. I took Jack for a 3 mile run, which was awesome. I had originally planned to be on the road to Boone by 8:30. I got caught on FB so I didn't actually leave until 9. It worked out, I was walking into Donna's store at 11. She and I were able to catch up. One of her girls was coming in at 1 so when she arrived we were able to slip out for lunch.

She took me to lunch in a restaurant that is located in what was once a Frat house. I told her the last time I was there it was very dark, there was very loud music, and coolers of beer on the front porch. The food was fantastic! I really enjoyed the experience!

I hugged Donna bye and headed back down the mountain. I arrived home and we decided to go out for dinner. The place I wanted to go had closed so I chose a little Greek place instead. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

My husband told me happy birthday on Monday night, he told me Happy Birthday at 1:30 on my actual birthday and he said it when I woke up. Granted he had been reminded of the upcoming day, both Saturday and Sunday. However, he had said that he really didn't want to screw this up. I am appreciative.

He gave me beautiful cards, and absolutely made the effort to make the day special. I'm thankful!

I was "that annoying" FB friend yesterday. There was a point to it. I've mentioned that I have an individual in my life who I once counted a closest friend. I no longer do. It started long before I met my husband. My marriage was not "approved" of. Then because I refused to give up on it, that wasn't approved of either. The only contact this person still has with me is through FB. So not knowing who this person has told what to, and none of the information could be accurate because they don't have any information I felt the best way to disprove any rumors or untruth's was to use my FB. Juvenile, yes. However, I want to give credit where credit is due. The fact that yesterday went down the way it did is quite honestly a testament to all that God has done over the last year.

I am thankful for the amazing day! I am thankful for wonderful family and friends! I am so excited for this year and what it holds!

Books

I mentioned I downloaded a free book on Friday. Go here to read more about it. It's free. If you like it there are two more (that you have to pay for but they are only $2.99) and a 4th on coming in November of this year.

I loved them so much I had to share.

5 Minutes

Friday night I got home and took Jack for a walk. Followed by dinner. Girl Clean was with her mom and I agreed to pick her up at 10 Saturday morning.

Saturday morning I was at the gym at 10 minute to 8. It opens at 8. At 8:10 the guy finally arrived. I was a little frustrated. I needed to get started at 8 to make the most of my gym time. I knew I had to be home by 9 in order to shower and leave by 9:30.

I was home at 9, and out the door by 9:30. I picked up the girl and drove home. She played with her Dad while I finished getting ready. We left at 11:30 to meet my friend Nicole, her boyfriend and his 2 girls for lunch. I satisfied my never ending Mexican craving. Mr. Clean doesn't like Mexican so it's usually what I will request when going out to eat with a girlfriend. Since all the kids love Mexican I knew it was a safe choice for lunch for Saturday.

We ran errands after lunch and then had church Saturday night. Girl Clean and I hung out after church while her Dad ran to the store. I fed her and bathed her and then dried her hair. Her hair is so long that it tangles up at night. I usually braid it but she was going to her Grandparent's church on Sunday and I didn't want to do braids for the outfit I had in my head.

Years ago I used to occasionally roll my hair with socks. Significantly less painful then foam rollers it works not quite as well but I wondered if it might do OK with her hair. I rolled her hair before bed.

Sunday morning I was up early. My plan was a 5 or 6 mile run depending on how I felt. It was raining and I was hooked into a book on my Kindle. I got a free book on Friday night that I enjoyed so much I bought (and finished) the next 2 on Saturday and Sunday. Ruth Cardello is the name of the author, they are light, cheesy, easy read romance novels and I was hooked!!!

Girl Clean woke up at 9. We took the socks out of her hair and sure enough the socks worked great!! I was thrilled with the result and so was she! I fed her breakfast and got her dressed. Her mom picked her up and Mr. Clean and I discussed our plans for the rest of the day.

He had errands to run. I was planning to go to the gym at 12 when it opened. I finished up my book and headed out. I was able to run 6 on the treadmill. I am thankful for the personal TV's, Food Network and HGTV!!!

Dinner with Bean and Jelly was at 5. We met them at a place in Salisbury. I had gone online and really liked the menu so we were excited to try it. I think Bean and Jelly liked their food. I definitely liked my pasta. Mr. Clean did not like his at all but I was incredibly thankful that he didn't mention it. While I am not opposed to sending something back if it's not done right, I am opposed to making everyone else uncomfortable just because the food you ordered doesn't meet your idea of what you were expecting.

He bit his tongue every time the waitress asked how we were doing. To me this is huge progress!!! Bean and Jelly picked up the tab for dinner. We were not quite ready for the night to end so they agreed to walk over to Krispy Kreme where the hot and now sign had come on. We treated to the donuts and sat and talked for a while longer.

I am so thankful the weekend was so nice!!! Happy Monday!!!

Friday

I'm happy it's Friday!!!

I'm in need of a mental health day, YAY for having Tuesday off!!!

I did not go to the monthly ladies night at church last night. Driving home I realized that it was still hot and I didn't want to run. The ladies event had a guest music leader which meant it would go late. I was already kind of tired. So I stayed home.

I took Jack for a run at 7. It was a great run, I was really pleased with how well it went!! Jack Banner was worn out. He kept laying himself out from room to room, wherever I was. Those kinds of runs are so good for him!

Last night was a preseason football game on TV. My husband was so excited. He looks at me and says, "last year I didn't get excited over football at all because we were fighting so much." I did not say what I wanted to. I didn't want to start a fight. What did I want to say? "ALL THOSE FIGHTS WERE YOUR FAULT". However I have tools and I am learning and I simply let the statement go. We're not fighting all the time, and while we certainly don't always (or even often) agree, it's night and day different from the garbage that was going on last summer.

Today I drove down to SC for gas. I had to stop at Walmart to pick up treats for Jack, and M&M's for Girl Clean since I've eaten all hers.

Walking out it hit me that probably what's been bothering me about my upcoming birthday really has nothing to do with my husband. It's actually the first birthday without my Grandmommy. This is significant because for the past several years (since immediately after college) she and I had a standing date on my birthday. Last year I was out of town so the last time we had that date was 2010. I remember what I wore, my blue NY&Co maxi dress, where we ate, at the Greek place off highway 74 that's probably not even there anymore, and the fact that we walked around afterwards and looked at furniture. That morning I had run 11 miles, or something like that.

Having figured that out, it explains the moodiness and tears on my part. I've been so off this month and I've been trying to just keep moving. I have been in tears over STUPID stuff, it's annoying.

Tonight Girl Clean is going with her mom to a social at the school she starts in September. I was invited but opted out. I'm looking forward to taking Jack for a walk and then hanging out at home. Tomorrow Amy will drop Girl Clean off and then we'll have lunch with my friend Nicole, her boyfriend and his 2 girls. I'm looking forward to it!

Happy Friday!!!

feelings, fun lunch, and one day at a time

So this week it hit me, because this should be my "I feel so skinny week". Except I don't.

If I read back I'll know I've been working out. I gave my husband a deep fryer for Father's Day because I knew it was what he really wanted. Add to that my husband is a good cook anyways. So add good cooking plus fried, plus candy.... well it adds up.

I'm not stepping on the scale, but I am stepping up my workouts.

Case in point last night after cleaning the office I dragged myself on to the gym. I realized that the only way for me to get past this place is to really seriously start working out even when I don't feel like it.

Tonight is the monthly ladies event at church. I know I need to get a run in before the event. I'm not exactly sure if it will happen, it depends on traffic honestly. Plus I can be a little late, I don't have to arrive promptly at 7. My time anal self feels like I should be there before 7 to get settled but realistically I don't have to.

I'm a little ticked at my husband. I planned a lunch for Saturday and a dinner for Sunday. To me these are not "big" events. He asked that I take into consideration his "busy" week before making plans. 2 things in a weekend is "a lot". I included him in the plans because he gets all bent out of shape when I go and do stuff without him. So I try to include him and I get that. I'm getting over it, I promise.

I wish my lunch was longer then an hour, it's just NOT enough time when I want to meet up with Hailey to catch up. Her sweet boys joined her. I wish I could have just blown off the office for the rest of the afternoon to hang out. Being a grown up is sometimes such a bummer!!!

I'm going to be 33 next Tuesday. I'm already having trouble remembering how old I am when people ask me. I have to stop and think about it. While in some ways it does not seem that it's possible that I'm no longer 23 I read yesterdays post and I know that it's entirely possible. I would not trade where I am today. I (overall for the most part) really like my life.

I created a calendar for the next 3 months because they are so full of events. I made sure that next Tuesday is highlighted, in 3 colors. If he misses my birthday this year I'm not sure what I will do. Short of standing on my head and screaming this is important to me (and I don't know why but it is) I don't know how else to communicate DON'T FORGET. I know that I'm working a program that is teaching me how to let go of stuff and maybe someday I'll get all Al-Anoned out and this won't be so difficult for me but for today, it's a big deal.

Tomorrow is Friday, happy dance!!!!! I have fun plans, they are optional for my husband, I will go and have fun!!!! One day at a time, that's how I'm going to take this until Tuesday.

Birthdays past

In August 2002 (23) I was a year out of college. I was working for the staffing agency at the front desk. I wasn't really "dating" anyone. At the end of the month I met Andy. That was brief and because Rick professed his "love" for me I broke up with Andy after about 2 months.

August 2003 (24) Rick had married, but not to crazy baby mama. I was dating Martin. He was way too old for me, and things were coming to a natural conclusion. I was working at the bridal salon and had to work late that night. Martin took me to dinner for my birthday and then I had to go sit and wait on him to do a handy man type project in exchange for a motorcycle that he wanted. This was the birthday I determined I would never work again on my birthday if I could help it because it was way too depressing.

August 2004 (25) I was dating Benjy. I drove to Atlanta and I was oh so excited because we were supposed to go to the Blondie concert on the Friday night before my birthday. Except it rained so hard they cancelled the concert. The following day, my actual birthday, it was nice. He took me to dinner and we talked. I was supposed to be moving down to Atlanta, except this was the trip that determined my ending our relationship. I realized that he really didn't have room for me in his life. After dinner we met up with friends of his at a strip club because one of his friends was dating one of the dancers. I was super impressed with the shoes of the dancers! I may have contemplated buying myself my own pair of stripper shoes.

August 2005 (26) I was in my condo. I was dating Mike2. He is someone I should have kicked to the curb, he blew me off on my birthday. That should have been my first clue. It took a trip to Charleston where I found my own way home for me to finally get rid of him once and for all.

August 2006 (27) I was dating Josh. Ahhh Josh. Oh my gosh if there was ever someone who I loved and tried and tried (and tried) to make it work. Except it takes 2 and he and I are a lot like oil and water. Or he never could figure out that I hate feeling like I'm the very last priority. For that birthday he was supposed to come to Charlotte early, he lived in Winston Salem. He ended up arriving after lunch. We had dinner with my parents. He was supposed to stay in town, but he drove back that night. Then he flew to Wyoming because he was looking at a job out there. I broke up with him because it seemed hopeless, a month later I met Chuck.(CF&G)

August 2007 (28) I was dating Chuck. It was starting to hit me that 30 was only 2 years away. I was freaking out. When Chuck's birthday had arrived in March I had thrown him a party with the help of his mom and sisters. I had gone all out. The month before that I had helped with G's 4th birthday party. So when my birthday rolled around, the weekend before, and after, he had fantasy football drafts. My birthday fell on Tuesday. He met with my parents for dinner, and was short with everyone that evening. The weekend before my birthday I had gone to see Dr. Marg and ended up with a whopping speeding ticket. My present was supposed to be help paying for the ticket. Except I broke up with him before he gave me the money and I never saw it. Instead I sold the Brahmin handbag he had given me for Christmas on Ebay to cover the cost.

August 2008 (29) I was dating Kendall. While Kendall and I broke up over personal belief differences I have to say that hands down he did the best job on helping me celebrate my birthday. He paid for my car insurance as my present which was very much needed that year. He had dinner with my parents and their friends. He just made me feel really special. It was awesome.

August 2009 (30) I was dating Rick again because like a fool I believed that he had changed. He hadn't. He came to town and we went to the restaurant where I worked at the time for dinner. It was so delicious!!! I really did enjoy that birthday. The actual day of my birthday I had driven to Greenville, SC for a job interview, then I drove up to High Point where Bean and Jelly made me dinner. I could not have asked for a nicer 30th birthday!

August 2010 (31) This goes down honestly as my very favorite birthday. My friend Vada told me about an event at Raffaldini Vineyards. We drove up and she had made chocolate cupcakes. I was super incredibly hungover from the night before. I had gone out with my roommate at the time, Krista. She and I had only intended to go out for a drink, famous last words. I was struggling that day, the wine tasting helped. Dr. Marg had driven up to the Vineyard and then I rode home with her. She and I went to dinner with our friend Christi at a sushi place and then we went out from there. This was the birthday where they were drinking dirty martinis and they were very (incredibly) honest with me about what I needed to do and how I needed to focus on me. It was hard to hear but I was thankful for the honesty and it makes me love them more.

August 2011 (32) What could have been a really awesome birthday wasn't. We had a trip planned to New Bern, NC. My wonderful friends and family all remembered my birthday. Once I reminded my husband what day it was he made me a very nice dinner. A week later he gave me a lovely card and gift. The trip in his mind was the 2nd part of our honeymoon, in my mind it had been a birthday trip so we were on entirely different pages.

This year for my birthday, I'm already making my own plans. Saturday I have lunch plans with Nicole. Sunday night we have dinner plans with Bean and Jelly. Tuesday (my actual birthday) I'm pretty sure I'm going to drive to Boone. Thursday night I'm having dinner with my parents. Saturday Mr. Clean's family is providing a birthday lunch. So I'm making sure that I make the day special all on my own. My gift from Mr. Clean is going to be new brakes, my request. I've told him I would like a card. That's it. I don't have any expectations of him. I mention every day that Tuesday of next week is my birthday. I've clearly stated that I know that birthday are not a big deal to him but they are to me and I'm going to have fun and enjoy.

I'm thankful that I am where I am today. I've learned that it's ok to look back every once in a while but not ok to constantly dwell in the past. I love to remember, but I also want to look forward. I have lived (almost) 33 years and I have a feeling that the coming year will be the best on yet!!!

5 minutes

Friday night I picked Girl Clean up from her mom's. Then we drove home to change clothes. The weather was so gorgeous Friday night we went to the park. Mr. Clean joined us. It was a really fun evening!

Saturday morning I went to the gym. My arms still hurt from the strength training! I came home, got ready, got Girl Clean ready and we left for lunch. We went to the food court at the mall because it's across from the hospital because after lunch we were going to to see my SIL who had a heart scare Friday night.

While at lunch I looked across the table, at another table was a lady with a walker talking to the girl who walks around and sweeps. It hit me so hard and of course I teared up. It was about this moment Mr. Clean was coming back to the table with his food and he saw me, and said "you're thinking about your Grandmommy aren't you." She would always talk to people and find out about them.

After lunch we went to see my SIL. She was ready to go home and fortunately she was for the most part ok.

We left the hospital and made our way to uptown Charlotte. Imaginon is  "a collaborative venture of the Charlotte Mecklenburg LIbrary and the Children's Theatre of Charlotte". via Imaginon web site.

They currently have an interactive castle. At the begining Girl Clean was a little overwhelmed. We walked around and then walked around the rest of the building and then went back to the castle. She really enjoyed the experience and I was amazed by the place, it's really a cool concept! The best part, it was FREE!!!

After church on Saturday night we took Girl Clean back to her mom.

Sunday morning I woke up and took Jack for a run. Then I had to get home and get to work. My parents were coming for dinner. Last night was the first time that they visited our house. It started off not so well. My mom was telling me about a trip that friends had made and my husband views this as gossip so he was not pleasant. Fortunately the conversation was directed away from that and after a little while it got a little better.

I can understand why my mom thinks my husband hates her. I tried to talk to Mr. Clean after they left last night but it was pointless. In his mind he's right and he's not going to tolerate gossip. What I can't convey is that it's his whole attitude towards my mom. She was nervous and uncomfortable and instead of asking about how she's doing he's sitting there acting like he doesn't want my parents there and mom was just trying to find something to talk about.

It is what it is. I'm glad that after the initial start it went slightly better. I'm glad my parents were finally able to see our house. I'm glad that they came. I don't expect it to happen again and it just reaffirms my desire to keep my husband and my family separate.

I also will keep praying about it. I know that this was a huge step last night and I know that it could not have happened last year. So there is progress. I don't ever expect much but I know that it can get better then it is.

To end this on an entirely random note. I have been using my Kindle for FB and blog reading. I finally figured out how to get reader into a format that I can read on the Kindle. Then this weekend I figured out how to get to blogs and comment. Now I need to figure out how to get auto correct off. It's so annoying to type in a word and look and realize that it corrected my typing!

Happy Monday!!!

schedule, plans, on track

Tuesday night I did not have to go to ballet class, because Girl Clean was too snotty and congested to go.

I had my meeting. It was a much needed escape from the argument that was taking place immediately before it. I have thoughts and opinions and I don't always agree with my husband. This makes him feel the need to keep fighting for his position. He is not going to change my mind unless he has a rational point. I was glad for my meeting!

Because of the discord Tuesday night it threw me off my usual game for Wednesday. I know I have to put my clothes out and I know I have to put my cleaning bucket by the door because I leave directly from work to go clean the office. Last night was going to be super special I was supposed to go to Noah's birthday party.

I forgot to put the bucket by the door. I remembered my work clothes and party clothes and makeup so I would not look like a hot sweaty mess for the party. Unfortunately I did not set out the cleaning bucket. I arrived at work yesterday morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't have the bucket.

Instead of the fun party, I had to drive home, drive over to the office and drive home again. Not the way I planned my Wednesday at all. So bummed I missed the party.

Yesterday at work we had our monthly meeting. My boss nominated me for a non leadership feed back event that is actually a big deal. I'm very happy that apparently despite feeling way overwhelmed I'm actually doing an ok job.

Tonight I have my chiropractor appointment. I'm hoping that I can learn what I need to do in order to protect my knees and keep on running.

I was reading back over my August posts from last year. I am glad that I found my voice and started writing. Everything I said then I still believe in and it's interesting to see how things have changed in the year.

My birthday is coming up. I'm planning a lunch with my friend Nicole for the Saturday before. I have the day of my birthday (Tuesday) off and I'm thinking I'll probably drive to Boone. The Sunday before I need to check with my family and see if we can all meet up for dinner somewhere in the middle for Bean and Jelly.

Patrice's baby boy came home from the hospital yesterday. I have not talked to her so I don't have any details. I'm so thrilled that he was able to go home!!!

My pants are all fitting too tight. Obviously my repeated statements of "I'm going to do better" are just words. I've been working out as consistently as I can. I know that it usually takes a year for me to lose weight so I think if I keep doing what I'm doing then this time next year I'll be the weight I want to be again.

Maybe. I was less consistent about working out in October/November/December (I think) and then my husband is an awesome cook. All that combined I believe is the reason for my inability to lose weight. That and my candy habit.

I plan to work out tonight after the chiropractor appointment. Hopefully I'll get back to running on Saturday morning. Currently we don't have plans for the weekend. I pick up Girl Clean tomorrow night and I'm hoping she will be feeling better!!!

Sunday my parents are coming to dinner. This is a very very big deal. I'm praying it all goes well!!!

Happy Thursday!!!

Stream of Thoughts

I love reading blogs. I get to see inside someone else's life. I have the opportunity to meet people, and it's awesome. When I'm feeling all kinds of out of sorts I find that I'm usually not the only one.

When I switched my blog over I also edited my blog roll. The blogs I read now I've chosen because they might not be high traffic blogs but they are real and I like keeping up with the writer. In the back of my mind is always the hope that someday maybe we might be able to meet up.

Had you told me when I started writing that I would meet friends through this medium I would have been curious how it would all work out. It works, it's a wonderful community!

This summer I've spent time reflecting. I've spent time thinking about last year. I've also thought about previous summers. Last summer I was so enmeshed in the awful. This year I've really enjoyed our summer.

In my thoughts a lot lately has been the little girl who was in my life before Girl Clean. She's 9 now. I can't explain why she comes to mind so frequently. There's no reason for this, so I always just say a prayer and move on. I can't help but wonder what she's like these days.

I think about my Grandmommy. It comes in waves. I'll go a while and not think about it and then I'll see a picture, or walk into a store, and a memory comes along. I know that I was so blessed to have my grandparents in my life for so long!

I've been thinking back to summers past, times at the lake and the beach trips we would take. This was always the time of year when my Grandparents would have the house at the beach. That last trip I made was 2008. I missed 2009 which was the last year Grandmommy rented the house.

I look at my life now and it's so different and that's not a bad thing, or a good thing, it just is. Friday nights I'm no longer driving to the restaurant I'm usually driving to pick up Girl Clean. I have the privilege of doing a lot of things one on one with Girl Clean and I love it!

I'm still not good at answering people when they ask me if she's mine. She is, through marriage. Except that confuses people so most of the time I just smile and say yes she's my stepdaughter. I wish there was a better term, and I don't know why I have such negative connotations of the whole "step" word.

Last night I tried to walk Jack thinking the rain was taking a break. We got caught in the rain then he had to get a bath because he got wet (wet dog smell). He gave me the sad ears, but when I got home from the gym he was happy to see me.

I'm thankful for the rain! It rained steadily last night from the time I left for the gym until I finished my workout. Because I ran on Sunday I did the elliptical and the bike last night. While watching Hitch in the "theatre" room, I do love this feature of my gym!!!

I hate being in a funk. It's a combination of August being here, this week out of the month, happy feelings, sad feelings, all rolled into this ball of emotional. Plus I need a vacation, or at least a day away where it's just me.

5 minutes

When I picked Girl Clean up on Friday I discovered that she too had the stuffy nose, minus my cough. So the pool with Vada was out. Instead we invited Vada to join us at Concord Mills. Sitting down and eating dinner does not burn the same energy as the pool does, unfortunately.

Saturday morning I took Jack for a walk because the weather was perfect! Saturday afternoon we ran errands and stayed in for the night.

Sunday morning we planned for the 11 service. I was getting ready and Girl Clean was in the tub when I remembered you're not supposed to let your kid go to nursery if they are sick. While she was mostly ok the runny nose was downright gross and she was having trouble breathing.

I stayed home with her while Mr. Clean went to church. Mr. Clean got home from church and I went to the gym. I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill, 2 miles elliptical and then strength training. It was an awesome workout!

Sunday afternoon I took Girl Clean back to her grandparents. We chilled out the rest of the evening.

I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, nothing new.

In general I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know why, and I know that I can only do what I can do.

On my drive in

I was driving to work this morning and thinking about yesterday and the turn out for the CFA support day. Then I started thinking about tomorrow and all those who will be coming out. I think it's wonderful that Christians showed their support and now tomorrow Christians have the opportunity to be the example of Jesus's love that we are called to be.

Tomorrow is the chance to show the love that God so wonderfully showed us. I think of the line from the Casting Crowns song, Jesus Friend of Sinners, and the sword is not ours to swing. So tomorrow what if Christians who showed up in support on Wednesday show up again? They take the opportunity to buy a meal, or ice cream, or sweet tea and show love.

Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has something that they could use prayer for. What an amazing opportunity to treat someone to delicious food, and not beat them over the head with how they are a sinner, or why they or wrong, but simply listen, and show love.

Perhaps not everyone will except the offer for a treat but if we show up and extend this love then we will be showing love in a very real and unique way.

Progress

Driving home last night I realized that it would be better for me to stay in then try and participate in my usual Tuesday night running around. I think the only way to fight this cold is rest.

Mr. Clean went to ballet class. It worked out really well because he was able to help Girl Clean put her shoes on for class. He was also able to talk to Amy and her fiancé and say congratulations. He asked if they had set a date yet, they haven't. We're thinking the wedding will come sooner rather then later.

When he got home we were talking. Something I realized last summer was that for all the head knowledge my husband had of the Bible and his seminary background he didn't seem to grasp how much God loved him.

I've mentioned a few times over the past few weeks the changes that I've seen. The progress that he and I have made; we have moments and I am thankful for the tools I have. I've been able to separate out the man from the disease. I've so clearly seen how God has worked and it is awe inspiring to me. It didn't happen over night. Clearly there have been some very difficult times. Yet through it all the situation was gradually changing.

Last summer I resorted to letter writing. I was so frustrated because I could see that he had no concept that it didn't matter what he had done God still loved him. God still has plans for him. I wrote letters and gave scripture reference and pretty much beat my husband over the head with words. This did not get us anywhere. Or maybe it did but everything else was so crazy I wouldn't have been able to see it.

As summer turned to fall I was still writing letters. I was still frustrated and still trying to change him. I started researching and trying to figure out what I could do to fix him. I had people praying. I had read books for me, and yet my focus was still trying to fix him. In my mind this was all his fault and all our problems were because of him.

Then in October I found a website and a message board where I learned about Al-Anon. They encouraged me to find a face to face meeting and it took 2 weeks but I finally did. I was ready to hear that it was ok for me to leave. That I had done everything I could and my solution was to just walk away. Except in Al-Anon no one tells you what to do. They tell you to keep coming back. They tell you about their experience and what worked for them. They tell you to take what you like and leave the rest.

Meanwhile life at home was in a strange place. While not the nightmare it had been from the summer before. It was still not ideal. As I learned about boundaries, and not accepting unacceptable behavior I slowly started to implement my boundaries. I started questioning my motives. I started reading and listening and gradually I started finding myself.

For YEARS I dated and dated and dated trying to find the (or a) guy to marry. I had a history of changing me to fit what I thought that they wanted. By the time Mr. Clean entered my life I was actually slowly starting to figure myself out. My marriage was the final push in direction of learning how to accept myself. In a meeting a few Tuesday's ago one of our members said Al-Anon gave me myself, and taught me how to love her. Truer words could not be spoken from my own mouth.

It was finding me that allowed me to make the call to walk away last March. I realized that I refused to accept the way things were any longer. I refused to tolerate being treated with anything less then dignity and respect. I can also say that because I had reached that place of understanding me, I was able to go back on my own time frame and no one else's.

Last night my husband was talking to me about how he's finally starting to understand that God really does love him. That for years he spent so much effort trying to work and earn God's acceptance and approval and he had it all along. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us first and because of His love we can love others. THIS. IS. HUGE!!! I was sitting there as he was telling me all this (and a lot more but I'm cutting to this part of the story) and I was silently saying prayers of absolute thanksgiving!

I think that there is a mistaken impression that we have to work for God's love. I know it's not just my husband who feels/felt this way. God is love and He loves. It's difficult for the world to understand this love because the church, largely, does not show this love. I know that there are churches that do but with so many church members throwing a list of thou shall nots in front of people the message is lost.

Instead of beating others over the head with rules that don't apply what happened to inviting someone to a meal. NOT to give a testimony but to share a meal. Instead of standing on a corner shouting scripture verses through a megaphone what about taking yourself to the homeless shelter and taking that time to serve a meal and show love.

If those who profess Christianity as their identity would strive to be Christ like to others then the world might be a little more ready to listen to what Christians have to say.