He is in the details

Back in September my friend had a picture posted on her FB wall and I wondered who the person was in the picture with her. Turns out it was an old family friend. As I was trying to figure out who he was our mutual friend was texting Chelsea saying if that guy loves Jesus you need to introduce him to Lori. Which made me laugh!

I forgot about it until about a month later when I got a friend request via FB and realized it was the same guy. So I accepted and we messaged back and forth for a minute and that was it. Fast forward a week and he reached out asking if he could call. We talked that Sunday. The beginning of this story is so fun to tell! We talked every day after that, and it was wonderful. He was originally supposed to come to town in November but that trip fell thru. So the trip happened the weekend of December 11-13.

Leading up to the visit I thought that everything was just going to fall into place, the way our conversations had been I fully anticipated relocating. He arrived and he was even more amazing in person and I thought that we would get married and I would move and it was going to be the best story ever….

He drove 16 hours to get here and that Saturday he was speaking locally. Saturday morning the verses that God gave me were Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” The Sunday morning he left God gave me Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I didn’t want to give up the way I wanted the story to go. I didn’t want out story to end, I wanted “I do” and forever and that simply wasn’t God’s plan. It took several weeks before he could tell me that after his visit his feeling had changed. There was a lot going on and I know that God put me in his life for a reason and I know that I had a significant impact and for that I am truly thankful! I’m not going to lie, it hurt my heart, a lot! Last Tuesday was when this man told me that after his visit his feelings had in fact changed. We were no longer on the same page about how we felt regarding each other. However in the way that only God can do, He worked out the details. I joined a book study and last Tuesday was the first night of our group and I was able to connect with a group of people and we discussed God’s vision for His church.

Last Thursday I had lunch with the 2 ladies leading the book study and we talked about God and how He’s always in the details. We talked about the ways He’s directed our steps and how He’s connected us to different people in ways that only He can do. I was so encouraged as I left lunch and God was gently speaking to my heart to trust Him. He’s been speaking that to me all along and I do, but when this guy appeared in my life it was really difficult to let go and trust God that he’s really not the one for me!

In each devotional since last Tuesday God has been speaking to me so clearly! I have had several devotionals directly relating to God’s timing, trusting Him, God directing our steps, etc., etc., etc.! He speaks SO CLEARLY! Yesterday’s message at church was also, on God’s perfect timing! When I can understand that He is speaking so clearly I can rest in knowing that He knows the plans and purpose that He has for me and He is guiding and directing me!

Monday of last week the founder of the organization who I work with that works to fight human trafficking reached out and asked if I could teach a class for her because she couldn’t be 2 places at once. We set up a meeting for Saturday morning to go over the information. After I ran my 9.5 miles, on the treadmill because it was raining, I met with my friend and we began talking about the organizations, what’s going on, and also the class I would be teaching. We started our meeting at IHOP but because it was so busy and we didn’t want to hold the table we moved locations.

As I was driving to the next location I was praying about all that we had been discussing. Teaching the class is a very huge opportunity for me! I’ll be co-teaching with the founder of another organization and our class will be volunteer coordinators who are in charge of the volunteers who will work at the race tracks helping to recognize trafficking and also rescue girls when applicable. This is a really big deal! Not only that but God has provided a house for our organization, this is HUGE! Additionally not just our organization but 2 other local organizations have just established housing, again HUGE! There is a major need for beds for individuals rescued from the life and the fact that God is providing these is a really significant miracle!

Our meeting lasted 3 hours and when I left I was completely and totally blown away by all that God is doing. He is faithful! He is crazy amazing! HE IS SO IN ALL THE DETAILS!!!!!

Yesterday I went to the prayer service at church. When I got home from Heart Quest God told me that if I was in town I was to be at the prayer service. So even on Sunday’s when I might not be able to even go to our service I go to the 8am prayer service. The prayer service ended and the lady who is in charge of our prayer room asked me if I had ever thought about joining them. I said yes, but I wasn’t sure how. Our prayer room is where intercessors pray during our 2 Sunday services. She told me she doesn’t usually ask people but she knew she was supposed to ask me. Once again God was directly telling me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be! I texted her my email so that I can be added to the schedule. Then the message, like I mentioned above, was about God’s timing, and how His timing is always always always perfect!

When I got home I sent a text to the guy and I told him that I will always think he’s awesome and amazing. I said that God was already telling me on the day that he left that our story wasn’t going to be the way that I wanted it to go. I said that I’m excited for what God is doing with him and his ministry but I’m also really excited for what God is doing with me and where He is leading me. I then sent him my notes from the sermon. I knew he needed those notes, and I wanted him to not feel any guilt over what had happened. There’s nothing for either of us to regret, it’s simply that God has different plans and we both get to follow His leading and trust Him! He replied back to my message how much he appreciated my words and how much I had just blessed him. For which, I’m thankful!

Last night there was an event called A Night of Hope. It was the 7 local organizations who fight human trafficking. It was a night of worship and unity. No one group was specifically speaking about themselves but we all came together to share and raise awareness and call warriors to action to fight this evil! OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS SO AMAZING!!!!!! My friend Chelsea was in charge of quite a bit of it and she did a phenomenal job!!!!!! The whole night was absolutely incredible!!!!! I’m thankful for how God is moving and what He is doing! 

2016 has not started at all how I thought it would look, IT’S SO MUCH BETTER AND SO MUCH MORE AMAZING!!!!!!!! God is faithful! God is in the details! God is never too early, never too late, His timing is perfect!

He has called you

Last year when I entered the final days before I filed I posted a list of verses because I was SO READY for everything to just be final!

There is a scene in the movie War Room where Elizabeth and Danielle are going to visit Mrs. Clara and when they get there Mrs. Clara already knows the news Elizabeth has to tell her. Elizabeth says, "now that's the kind of connection to God that I need"! Danielle had actually texted Mrs. Clara the information because she was so excited but that is exactly how I'm feeling right about now. I would like to be able to just know more details. I would like to have that kind of connection so I can plan accordingly.

The beginning of 2016 is not at all how I thought it was going to look. I've been learning how to let go of thinking that I need to have all the answers. I'm focusing on all that I have to be thankful for! I also prayed this morning about what am I supposed to be doing? The following verses were given to me.

“He has told you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8

“Seek good, and not evil, that you may live; and so that the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you, as you have said.” Amos 5:14

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefor do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.’” Matthew 6:33-34

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Matthew 6:37-38

“You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.” Deuteronomy 6:5-6

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope” Psalm 130:5

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

“Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!” Psalm 31:23-24

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him.” Lamentations 3:21-25

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

I've realized that He's already told me what my purpose is, to love Him, to serve Him and to be His hands and feet. I worship, and move forward and know that His timing and His ways are never mine. I've tried forcing solutions and I know that the solutions I arrive at are never a blessing but when I wait on the Lord and on His timing I am always blessed. 

I didn't expect to want to get married again, until He healed my heart and allowed me to feel again. I didn't expect to have 3 different opportunities to meet new guys last year and God, in His own way, in His own time, brought 3 different guys into my life and then in His time took them out of my life. I know that with the first guy seeds were planted, with the 2nd guy I think that was more for my benefit t understand that certain character traits that I said don't exist, actually do. I still think God was laughing on that night of the first date with him when I about fell out of my chair. With the last one I know that I had an impact and I wouldn't trade that. I made a difference and I was an encouragement and for that I'm thankful.

My friends are going online and using apps and there are so many different ways to meet people and yet I know that for me I am not to go about it that way. At least not yet. If God brought the first 3 then I know He will bring someone else, in His time in His way. Of course... I would prefer that I not hurt so much over the next one as I did the last one! Even in that I will trust Him!

As I go into the weekend I'm looking forward to boot camp tonight and a long run tomorrow. I will continue to live my life to the fullest and trust the details to the One writing my story!

The good life

Last week at work was slightly better, for which I'm thankful! I'm not anywhere near caught up but I didn't lose my voice, we'll call that progress.

I took Friday off because today is my Mom's birthday. I like to try and take the day so that we can spend time together since I'm usually so busy all the time. I did have a vet appointment scheduled for Jack at 9. He needed his yearly checkup. Then I also had to run by the car place to have them look at my AC.

My car is a 2007 Mazda 3 with 193,000 miles. The AC compressor is locked up and it would be $825 to fix it. I'm going to get a new car instead. Not something I had planned to do at this point but I can't live in NC and not have AC in my car.

After all that Mom and I went shopping, went to lunch, shopped some more and then we went home where she went out to dinner with my Dad and I went to the training class for working with human trafficking survivors.

I had bikini boot camp yesterday morning and my back is killing me today! I'm not sure what I did but it's not pleasant! I kept sitting down in church this morning because it feels better to sit than to stand.

My divorce will be final this week. In all honesty it feels a little anticlimactic. I have been working so hard this past year first to be willing to go through the counseling process, then after I ended the counseling process to continue to surrender the process to God.

When I found out about the girlfriend that was a whole other round of trying to process and move through. They are engaged, as best I can guess, and so now I know he will be married likely before the end of April. I don't actually "know" this but because I know how he operates this is what I believe will happen.

I did the best I could to provide her with information and she decided to disregard all that information. I'm sure that in her mind I, nor the other 2 wives, loved him enough, gave him enough forgiveness, supported him enough, and the list goes on. He is quite gifted at spinning the tale! So it will be what it will be. I've blocked him and her and his mom and sister on my FB so that for them I no longer exist and I don't have access to see whatever it is that they are posting. I simply can let it all go.

I have been able to move through this past year and grow and through it all my one goal has been that God will be glorified in my life. I've not done perfectly. I've certainly made mistakes. I know that sometimes I do vent, and I do have to express where I'm coming from.

At the end of this I am so thankful. Thankful I'm not where I was. I'm thankful for what I've learned. Most of all I'm incredibly thankful for how God will be able to use me because of the story that I am able to tell.

I am so thankful that even in the worst mess and horrible nightmare there will be good that comes from it!

I am excited for what God is doing and where He is leading. I don't have any idea what is coming and I accept that I simply have to trust in His plan.

5 Minutes Friday

Yesterday I posted that the countdown is on. I'm trying very hard to keep myself in check. I vacillate between being absolutely 1000% ready and then this odd part of me that is sad. I think this is likely normal. I also have to work harder now not to hate D than anytime in the previous 11 months or 3 years.

I decided to do an actual countdown because scripture research calms me. I found verses that all had to do with waiting and hope. I spent time over these past few years waiting, hoping, believing and knowing that God was in control. The ultimate ending to this story of my marriage was not at all what I expected and yet I clearly see how God moved all the details and worked all the pieces into place.

Regardless of how my marriage has ended it still hurts my heart when I hear of other marriages ending. I know that there are situations of abuse, and infidelity and those are not usually situations that can be repaired unless both parties are absolutely surrendered to God and to the process. On the day that was the 1 year anniversary of the catalyst night in which I knew I had to make a decision I fasted and prayed until 2pm for marriages. I think that marriage can be an amazing opportunity for friendship, love and being a lifetime team. I see examples of this. I also see examples of marriages that don't fit this example and it hurts knowing that I have friends hurting.

I anticipate the day that I will file for divorce more than I did my wedding. I didn't have a countdown. I didn't really do much in the planning. I've planned, I've created a countdown, I am more ready to file for divorce than I was to get married. I can't say I would change any of the past few years. Yes I am ready for the day that I will file but there was a long period of time during this past year when I think I subconsciously was waiting for D to show true change. Perhaps I didn't even realize that I was looking for this. He repeatedly proved, in every situation, that he had not changed. From the day that I left until the final text message that I sent when I told him that if he contacted me again I would send his girlfriend every text message he had sent me since October. That final message seems to be what it took. I've not heard from him since then. I did send a follow up email in which I told him if he moves he needs to contact me and tell me and I won't send his girlfriend the messages he's sent me.

He still believes that he is the victim. He believes that he has been wronged. There is an article that I posted on FB titled 12 traits of an abusive relationship. D met all 12. In fact it was downright uncanny the way he absolutely exemplified those traits. I resisted the urge to use the hashtag #hindsight2020. I sent his first wife a message about the article and she read it, and she shared it, and she used the hashtag #hindsigh2020. Even knowing and understanding that what I lived through was abuse there are times when I've had to struggle with the fact that I had to leave. My mind seems to forget and perhaps this is part of the healing but it's important that I remember the why so I can continue to move foward and not get stuck in a halfway place of being ok but not.

This week has been busy! Digging out from piles at work is a process. There were revival services at the Concord church Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday night. Wednesday night I went to Abs and Booty class. I'm still sore today!!! Last night it was so cold I didn't make it back out to the gym but when I leave work today I'm headed directly there.

Tomorrow I'll be going to Boone with Tiff and back in time for nursery at 5:30.

Audra celebrated her 6th birthday Wednesday. A year ago today I was cleaning up from her big princess party. Life moves on. God is good! This is a new chapter and I'm excited to fill the pages!

Wrapping up 2014

Sunday 12/28 I ran the Belk Bowl 5K. I was happy with my official time, but it was not a PR. My runkeeper app said my pace was 8:36, I have got to get a watch. Runkeeper is not accurate. I was talking to my friend Erin and she said she has a new balance watch that she loves. I need a watch that accurately records my pace and distance. Since I am a little technologically slow the garmin might not be the first watch I need to purchase. The timex that my brother and SIL got me does not record the miles just my time.

Monday is a night I will probably never forget. I mentioned that D's first wife had reached out to me via FB. Her message was put into my other folder and so it sat from July to November without me ever seeing it. Finally I was home one day in November and checking FB from the computer and I saw it. I wrote her back and said that I had prayed for her so many times because I can't imagine what she lived through and that I would love to hear her story. She offered to meet me.

Originally we were supposed to meet the Saturday after thanksgiving but that had to be postponed. Then there was another evening we were going to meet and that had to be postponed again. Monday I texted that morning to make sure that we were still on and she said yes. It's a little odd to meet up with someone who you have never met and feel like you know so much about them. I walked in and she had just arrived. She is very pretty. We sat and talked for 3 hours. I told her more than once how much I appreciated her meeting me and talking to me.

I discovered we are just as much alike as I always suspected. I learned a lot and realized that the patterns that I recognized had been going on for so much longer than my marriage. I love her. In fact I've had to restrain myself from going crazy girl and texting and tagging on FB because I don't want to be scary. I'm just so thankful to have met her.

Tuesday night I got to catch up with Jess. I love when it works out for us to catch up and I thoroughly enjoyed dinner and coffee! She totally got me hooked on the Praline latte at Starbucks and I'm going to be sad when it goes away!

Wednesday I had the day off work. I started the day with a run. Jack and I did 4 miles. I had an appointment with the counselor at the Concord church. I had reached out the week of Christmas because I was just so angry at D. Not because he had moved on but because he was still sending me messages of love while planning a future with his new girlfriend.

The counselor had emailed me back Tuesday and asked if I wanted to come in and I made an appointment to go see her Wednesday. She and I talked about everything that had been going on and that was helpful! I told her about meeting the first wife and how special that was and how much it helped me. Then I told her that I know from my past relationships that I have tried to make better and be helpful and I think I've been misdirecting that and my desire to make a difference is not a bad thing I think there is a bigger picture perspective to it.

I've been reading a book called Made in the USA about human sex trafficing. It's APPALLING! It's so difficult for me to read that I'm not yet finished and I know that bringing awareness to what is going on is critical!

I told the counselor about the book and we began talking. There is a lady in the Concord church who has an organization that works to rescue these victims. The counselor asked if I would like to meet her and for us all to have lunch so I can find out more of what I can do. I jumped all over that!!! I am so excited, nervous and scared, but SO excited!!! With my years in Al-anon I have the ability to really understand and know how to help without enabling, how to detach with love, how to have boundaries but still be loving. I can't wait to see what 2015 holds for me as I begin to explore this journey that the Lord is starting to lead me on!

After my meeting with the counselor I met Patrice for lunch. Then I drove home to help my mom vacuum and get the house ready for her party. Then I went down to Tiffany's house where I rang in 2015 with her and K.

We had such a blast! Tiff made dinner and then each hour she had a different activity for K. We played princess monopoly, we had a glow stick dance party, we played Minion Life, and we celebrated the new year in an unforgettable way! Up until last night my favorite NYE had always been 2007 ringing in 2008 with Josh. That had been such a fun and easy night. Last night now takes the place as my favorite NYE!

Today I went to the gym to start the new year right! Mom is making collards, black eyed peas and pork. We'll have our New Years day meal and then tomorrow I go back to work.

I'm so excited for what 2015 holds! I think it's going to look very different than anything I ever anticipated or expected but God is definitely moving and I trust His timing and His plan!

2014

2014 was the year that came in on the heels of a catalyst for a big decision.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that things could not continue the way that they had been going.

2014 started and I was asleep, I went to bed at 9pm on NYE because I was safer asleep where there would be no chance for an alcoholic spiral if I was not in the room.

I enjoyed pork and black eyed peas and collard greens with my family. Daron had a stomach bug or something. I didn't mind that he was not there it was always easier on my family if it was just me. That was the night I told my Mom I was praying about leaving and thinking about talking to a lawyer.

I wrote about how my Mom didn't want to hear anything positive about Daron in a post that I wrote in Spring 2012. Looking back I realize that it's easier to see the lack of change in someone when you are not married to them and trying to make the marriage work.

Audra's 5th birthday party was a huge success. I started planning in October and when the party arrived she was such a great hostess. She included all her friends and made everyone feel so special. All the details that went into making that happen were worth it. The feeling of finality when I closed the doors to the party room was undeniable. I could now leave and this was my final memory with the girl as her stepmom.

I met with the lawyer and talked to her about my marriage and why I felt it necessary to leave. We put together a separation agreement.

February 4, 2014 I left for good. I had left, said I was leaving, returned, and repeated a pattern believing that he would follow through on the promises to do better. It was never about whether or not he loved me. He did the best he could with what he had and when he was not drinking we made a good team. The reality of our life together was that he drank more often than he wasn't and when he drank he had a tendency to be verbally abusive to the point where I would leave because I feared for my physical safety.

The week after I left I met with my friend Lisa for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Then the next day the snow came. My office closed early and was closed the following day. I stayed with my college roommate and her daughter and we had a blast!

I was supposed to drive to High Point that Friday but I postponed the trip to Saturday.

February 27 I had a meeting with the ladies pastor and counselor at the Concord church and I reluctantly agreed to a joint counseling session.

The joint counseling session was after I provided the pastor and counselor with all the information regarding the past years of my marriage. When Daron was asked to explain his side he didn't have any answers just kept talking about how he was changed and that he had been hard to live with.

We left that meeting with the agreement that I would have another one on one session with the counselor and then a joint meeting with him to establish parameters. He didn't listen to the L would set the parameters part and went home and sent me an email suggesting to me what the parameters should be.

I forwarded his suggestions to the pastor and counselor.

Reluctantly I kept my meeting to establish parameters.

2 weeks later he and I had our joint session to discuss those parameters.

When he wasn't trying to tell me how he had changed and that everything was different he was arguing with the counselor about the parameters. Instead of listening and being willing to do whatever it would take he was trying to make us see that he was "right" and we were "wrong".

He reluctantly agreed to the parameters, 90 AA meetings in 90 days and one text message of love or commitment to me a day.

He completed the 90/90. The one text message of love or commitment, that part, he didn't seem to grasp.

 I got messages that may have seemed loving to him but truthfully they were not "loving" at all. Then he started "saving up" his messages trying to make them more dramatic. The final straw for me came the day that he told me he was working on his resentment towards me and it was holding him back on his step-work.

I told him that we were done and I was ending the process of joint counseling.

Shortly after that I met the woman who he was talking to at church.

He got called to the carpet on that relationship when he went in for pastoral counseling.

Meanwhile I'll back up since I just jumped through February and March and they were mostly about him.

March was a full month. I ran the shamrock 4miler race with Lisa and Nicole. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to visit and we had a wonderful time! My friend Margs officially moved back from Canada with her family and I was so thrilled to welcome them home! Mom and I went to Beaufort, SC to celebrate her 60th birthday with my Aunt.  

In April I ran a 10K through the Southpark area and the CPCC skyline race which is one of my favorites to run! I celebrated Easter with my family and helped Tiffany's little girl celebrate her 7th birthday at a fabulous Frozen themed birthday party.

May I ran a 10K in High Point and visited Dr. Margaret in Durham. She and I attended a Derby party where she won the prize for best hat. I took and passed my CIC Life and Health class leaving me one more test to pass before I obtain my CIC designation. I said goodbye to Lisa on Cinco de Mayo. May was also the month when D sent me the message about working on his resentment towards me and I ended the process of joint counseling.

June started with a 5K and lunch with CF&G's family. Just because he and I broke up doesn't mean I gave up his family. We celebrated my Dad's birthday with a party and then Father's Day with my brother, SIL and nephew. Mom and Dad flew out to TX and I was left with the house to myself.

I had the odd experience of meeting a woman that D had been talking to when I went to an Awakened night. She took it upon herself to tell D anything and everything that I said in response to her questions. I ran the King Tiger 5K and D showed up on the course and completely threw me off my breathing and what started as a strong race finished as not memorable other than D showing up. That night I went to the Faith Family and Freedom concert with Tiffany and her daughter.

I blocked that woman from my FB and let the pastor and counselor at the Concord church know what had happened. I thought I was going to have to back off from even attending women's events at the church. Fortunately it was also in June that Patrice and her family moved to NC from FL and suddenly all of my closest girlfriends were back within driving distance of me.

Patrice attended the women's events with me and she and her husband started attending the Concord church. June ended with a trip to GA to visit my friend Vada at her new townhouse.

July brought the 4th and celebrating with my Mom and my Aunt down at the lake house. I ran a 5K the 19th and then went down to the lake house to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came for another visit. The following weekend I ran another 5K and it was hot and humid! July was the month I found out that D decided to leave the Concord church and I was going to be able to return.

August 9 I ran a race and I thought it was a PR but it turned out the course was a little short so it just ended up being a good run. I celebrated my birthday with good friends and enjoyed having a few days off from work. The month ended and September started with a trip to GA to visit my friend Susan and her family.

September was the month of the women's conference at the Concord church. I am so thankful I was able to attend it was such a powerful time of worship and spending time listening to what God had to say. I had the Hit the Brixx 10K which was miserable and I did horribly! I also ran the Lung Strong 5K. I drove up to Monroeville, PA to visit Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda and my Godsister and her family. It was a really great weekend and I loved having the one on one time with all of them.

October I ran a 5miler with my friend Nicole, I did much better time wise for that race than the previous months 10K. I challenged myself to a 21 day fitness challenge and I actually succeeded in working out and fitting in to my costume for the costume party. I was supposed to run a 5K but I decided to forgo that race since Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to town the weekend I was supposed to run it. I went to Boone with my brother, SIL and nephew. We went to Macadoos for lunch and my nephew found out about the amazing Macadoos cinnamon rolls!

The following weekend I flew to Minneapolis, MN to visit my friend Lisa. She was such an amazing hostess! We went to the waterfalls, we walked around, we ate a delicious lunch, we relaxed! We went for a gorgeous run, ate at a fabulous diner/dive Cuban place, went to Mass, went to dinner at another fabulous little hole in the wall. She took me to my first yoga class ever and then I got to meet her running club and I ate the best pizza I've ever had! I totally ate 4 slices of pizza that night, yet the costume still fit!

I found out that weekend about D's girlfriend and I'm thankful that when I found out I had the time I needed to process it before having to go back to work. I remember being on the plane and I realized I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't expect that confirmation of a girlfriend to hurt me as much as it did.

Then D tried to tell me that he still loved me and I just needed to give him a chance. So in true fashion I was just as mad at him all over again as I was hurt. I learned an important lesson, one that should have been common sense and maybe I knew this all along but this has reinforced it. When someone has a girlfriend it makes any claims of love for you null and void.

November I drove down to SC to help Marg's oldest celebrate his birthday. That night went to the costume party at my friend Christi's house. I had a really good time and it was fun to not have to worry about staying too long or not being able to go out at all. I did switch my plan for my costume and even though the one I planned to wear fit, I went with a different look.

 I created a memory with Tiffany and her daughter and Amy and Audra. I drove up Friday to spend the night with my brother , SIL and nephew and then Saturday I went to lunch with them. After lunch I headed over to the hotel to check in and wait for the girls. We went to the Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Mandisa concert and it was amazing! We had such a good time!

The next weekend I went to a crafts fair with my mom that was huge! The weekend before Thanksgiving I drove up to VA and spent time with my friend Jess and her family. She took me into DC and we visited the DAR museum and period rooms and met my cousin Cameron for dinner. The next day we went back into DC and visited the botanical gardens.

Thanksgiving I PR'd my 10K, totally unexpected! I enjoyed the day with my family! I enjoyed that weekend of being able to relax and not "having" to do anything although I got a lot done! I did keep nursery that Saturday after Thanksgiving and unfortunately one of the little girls shared her germs. The week after Thanksgiving I was miserable!

I went for a run on Monday and that was my last workout until Saturday. I missed another race but I did go to the gym and I ran a treadmill 5K. I worked out on Sunday too, trying to get my groove back. I realized after my 21 day fitness challenge that I liked how I felt and I wanted to continue feeling good about myself.

I drove down to SC to give Margaret's boys their Christmas presents and we went to lunch. Then the next day I went over to Patrice's house and did a cookie back with Liam. I was also successful in my first attempt at my Mom's cinnamon rolls. I took my first batch to the Concord church for the staff.

I celebrated Christmas with my small group on December 16. I attended the Awakened Christmas event Shine on December 18. I helped my Mom get the house ready for Christmas on the 20th. I worked on the Monday before Christmas and then I had Tuesday through Thursday off.

I dropped off cinnamon rolls to Amy and the kids and her parents. I visited for a few moments and talked about the fact that it's truly over with D. I talked about how I resent being made the other woman when he's still married to me.

I left their house and went to Patrice's house. I made one last delivery to my friend Nicole and then headed home.

My brother and SIL came to town in time for dinner with my nephew. We enjoyed dinner and then I had to finish wrapping presents.

Christmas Eve was low key. The house was ready; most of the food was already prepped. I went to the gym for a workout. My mom's siblings and families were all there on Christmas Eve night and we opened presents. It was so nice spending time with my family and enjoying everyone!

Christmas morning we opened the presents from each other. I received lots of bath and body works which I am excited about! I loved being able to watch my nephew open his presents! After opening presents and breakfast I drove to the greenway for a run. I'm training for a March half marathon.

Daron texted me a merry Christmas, my response was that if he contacts me again I will send Jaime every message he has sent me since October including the why it's over email. Then I checked Jaime's FB page and he left a comment on her picture of her and her daughter that it was a lovely family picture but that someone seemed to be missing. I took a screen shot. Then I sent that screen shot to him and said that the comment he left on Jaime's picture is lovely. I'm happy that he's moved on and that very seriously if he contacts me further I will send her everything.

I don't know if he is just that stupid, to think I can't see that kind of stuff or what but I definitely had some very angry emotions. Not because I care that he has a girlfriend, I really don't. I think I'm furious because he was the one vomiting all over FB about how he had been wronged and how I had left and how he was so broken and how he is so changed. I knew when I left he would have a girlfriend and likely be engaged before our divorce was final. So dealing with the shock of how much it hurt when I found out about the girlfriend was surprising.

I despise him! When I left I was so relieved. Then he wanted to show me he had changed, and maybe a part of me believed that he had but I needed to see the proof. Then he started dating again. I gave him no reason not to move on. I understand this very clearly. I could have dealt with the moving on, what has made me absolutely furious is that he has repeatedly reached out with text messages of love and second chances while clearly making promises to his girlfriend of a future together. I'm not sure if I'm also maybe angry at myself for ever marrying him. I realize that I would not be where I am now if not for these past few years, and I appreciate very much where I am now. I just resent the fact that for me to get here I married such a POS.

This year is coming to a close and in just a few short weeks I will file for divorce and the chapter of my failed marriage will be closed. As 2014 is ending I am thankful. This year was one of hard decisions that had me evaluating everything that I believed. “I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears” Psalm 34:4.

I’m thankful for the love and support of my family and friends as I navigated this year and the heart break and hurt. “The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.” Proverbs 10:8 “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15 “The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure” Proverbs 14:16

I prayed for wisdom and discernment and every step of the way God met me and I heard what I needed to hear and I was able to see what I needed to see. “Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.” Proverbs 14:33 “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” Proverbs 15:14 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Proverbs 2:6 “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse” Proverbs 2:12 “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding” Proverbs 3:13 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

My life is taking a turn in a direction that I never intended I’m thankful that I know who holds my future. “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you Lord, are good.” Psalm 25:7 “In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

God is good and He is always faithful! “for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.” Psalm 26:3 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13

5 minutes on Friday

This week has been full, as usual. Monday night I met up with Patrice and another friend of ours that we grew up with. It's a unique experience to sit at a table and talk to women who you have known since church nursery. Elizabeth and I share the same birthday. To talk about life, what has happened, where we are, how good God is, it's a blessing!

Tuesday night I got to the gym for a 4 mile run. I went to small group. We are reading Bad Girls of the Bible and the reading for this chapter was about the Samaritan woman at the well who meets Jesus. I read this story in this book, in another book, and in John 4 last week. I wondered what God was trying to tell me.

We discussed the story Tuesday night and how Jesus met the woman where she was and accepted her right where she was. I was driving home and processing. The truth is when I got married God met me right where I was. I had been trying to make things happen and force my way for many years. When I was getting married it was the first time where I put myself in a place where He could meet me.

I don't think that He would have chosen for me to have to go through the crazy insanity of the downside to living with an active alcoholic who was not in recovery. I do think that He was there with me every step of the way. He was guiding and directing me, giving me everything that I needed. 

Monday night we talked about how the times we really grow with God are through our struggles. When things are going well we don't feel like we "need" Him quite so much. Up until I got married I felt like I was doing fine for the most part. I had a condo, a good job, some money struggles but nothing too overwhelming usually. The choice I made to get married allowed Him to meet me right where I was. He brought me to the place where I am now.

This year instead of trying to find my next husband. Instead of trying to force my own solutions I have recognized my need for Him even more now than ever before. I have and continue to consciously seek Him and whatever His plan is for my life. 

Wednesday night I was supposed to go to Sassy Girl for shake and tone but I was exhausted and I'm still fighting off the last bit of the cold. So I stayed home and did laundry and rested.

Last night I had a party to go to that one of my agents that I work with holds every year. These kinds of parties intimidate me, it's really hard to go and talk to people but once I get started I'm OK. It was held at The Palm, which is really nice and the food is amazing! I really enjoyed the amazing shrimp cocktail, I could have eaten the platter!

After I left the party I made it to the gym for a 3 mile run. 

Tonight I have my Al-Anon meeting. Tomorrow I am headed down to SC to see Margs and the boys and take the boys their Christmas presents. My mom is going to teach me how to make cinnamon rolls. Every year she makes batches and batches and this year I want to make a few batches to share as well. 

I was able to leave work at 3 today since I went to the party last night so I took the extra time to run over and pick up my brother's Christmas presents and I found his birthday present too. His birthday is December 31 so it will sneak up on me if I let it.

Sunday is a cookie bake with Patrice and her family. It's going to be interesting since I'm still fasting sweets until April 8, 2015. I'll be baking this Christmas and not eating any of the treats. People seem to think that this gets easier, yeah, NO it doesn't! It's kind of odd to me how my body still after all these months craves various sweet things.

 Hopefully tomorrow morning I fit a run in before the rest of the day starts! Happy weekend!!!

Trips, family, friends, and so thankful!

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14. This verse in context is a word that the Lord gave to Moses when he was leading the Israelites after they left Egypt.

In context of my life I was waiting to hear back from the previous tenants. I had emailed last Wednesday that I was ready to send the check and I was not hearing anything back. That had me concerned. Legally I knew I was in the clear but had a lawsuit been brought against me I would have had to have hired a lawyer and that is NOT cheap. I would have been cleared but out the legal fees. I really clearly heard that the Lord was fighting for me and I had only to trust in Him. 

I rested my knee last Wednesday instead of running and Thursday night I went to Abs and Booty class. The usual instructor was out of town so the lady who was instructing Thursday night did more abs than usual. Oh my word!!! It was effective but I was so sore on Friday and Saturday!!! Love a good workout when I know that it made an impact!

Friday morning I was up early and out the door by 6:20 to head up to Monroeville, PA. I stopped a few times along the way and arrived right around 3. My Godsister picked me up from her parent's house and we talked and hung out and I got to catch up with her. That night she made dinner for me and her Dad and another couple who were also staying at my Godparent's house and after dinner we said goodbye to Kristy and her family and went to see my Aunt Linda, my Godmother, who had to work on Friday until 10. She works for a television station in Pittsburgh and it was fun to see the studio.

Saturday morning I got myself up and out the door by 6:30 and got a very hilly run in! The hills in Monroeville are no joke!

Kristy's youngest had a soccer game on Saturday morning so we went to the soccer game, me Aunt Linda, Pat, and then afterwards stopped by Salvation Army where I scored a new purse for me and several things for my nephew. I spent $21 total and I got some great items!!!

Kristy's oldest had a soccer game at 11:15 so we went back to the ball field to watch her first game, she had a double header. After the first game we took the youngest home and rested at my Godparent's house for the afternoon. We had early dinner plans for Bravo which is on the river in the Pittsburgh area.

Dinner was amazing!!! Then we walked around and checked some of the stores on the river front.

Saturday after dinner I pulled up my email and I had an email from the previous tenant. I was so thankful to finally hear back and I mailed out the check today. That is all finished and I am glad that the chapter can now be closed. 

Sunday morning was church, followed by a church potluck lunch, followed by a walk for me and then just hanging out at the house. Usually when I go up for a visit I am with my parents but this trip I got to go solo and it was really nice to have that time with everyone. Mom and Dad kept Jack Banner and they had a busy weekend at home.

I left this morning at 7 and drove back to NC. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to go up! I'm so thankful that I didn't have to worry about what I would be coming home to. Last year when I had gone up to visit with my parents when I came home I got home on a Monday and he was ugly to me and I did not see him sober until Wednesday. Then I only saw him sober for an hour and when I got home from my workout class he was already drinking. So not having to come home to that was a wonderful blessing!

As much as I write out on here about the process of moving forward in everyday life I stay busy and I have plans through December of fun trips and races and time set aside for friends. I have to experience all these feelings and I have to process but I also know that I am so blessed to be able to spend time with family and friends. I am so thankful that as I am moving forward I have so much to look forward to!

When I got home Jack and I took a nap and then I took him for a run. My knee seems to be improving which is good since my next race in on Sunday!

Music Matters

I've never been able to sing well. I can carry a tune with a group but ask me to start off a song and I will not be able to start on the correct key and I can guarantee it's not going to sound good.

Despite my inability to sing I am definitely impacted by the music that I listen to.

My Grandmommy was from Nashville and growing up with her and my Mom they both listened to country music. I love the story the song tells. While I enjoy a good beat, in all honesty, there are a lot of songs where I can't handle the lyrics. I know that some people can just enjoy a beat and they don't listen to the words. In fact I feel like maybe it makes me a little bit odd that I am so cognizant of lyrics.

Throughout the years there have been songs that I have held onto.

Example: In 2007 when I broke up with CF&G the song during that time was Jeremy Camp "I still Believe"

Example: In 2011 my songs were Mandisa "Stronger" Matthew West "Strong Enough" and Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing"

In 2012 I had songs that I loved but there are none that stand out to me the way that the above songs did.

In 2013 there is a song that has been around for a long time by Casting Crowns, "I will Praise you in the Storm" My other song for 2013 Mandisa "Overcomer".

The 2013 songs are carrying into 2014 for me as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Owning it

I've been sitting at my desk thinking. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who I met through Al-Anon. I had run an idea by her and she told me that quite honestly it was none of my business. At first I was taken back, and then I realized how right she is.

Growing up my mom was very involved in the life of my brother and I. She ended up working both schools were we attended. It is fine; it was probably healthy that she was involved in our schools. I've actually encouraged Amy to be involved at the school where Audra and her brother are going because I think that it can be a very positive thing. However I also recognize that having a mom who was so involved meant that it has taken me a long time to learn that I actually do have a back bone, and that it is perfectly acceptable to not always agree with someone else and there are healthy ways to handle this.

I started thinking about team sports, and how I didn't like softball. I tried to play but ultimately the idea of standing in the hot sun while trying to catch, hit and run, held 0 appeal for me. I did really love volleyball. I played my sophomore year of high school and I enjoyed it so much that my mom signed me up for volleyball camp that summer. I truly loved the game, it was so much fun for me. Unfortunately after that year a new coach came on board and while I've always said that he preferred slim pretty blondes looking back today I realized that while that was actually true, I needed to own the fact that I wasn't that great.

Could I have been coached and then been able to learn more, absolutely. Did I have potential, probably. I received the most improved player award the year before. I went in with no experience. I went to camp, I loved it. It's a "could have would have should have" scenario but I have spent a lot of years shifting blames without realizing it.

Something that I have learned, especially over the past 6 years, is that when I make a mistake, I have to admit it. I have to be willing to say, yes I made an error, I am sorry, how do I fix this now. It's been through the challenges of a job that made me dread driving to work every day, to a job that is such a huge blessing, and yet had I had this job before now I wouldn't understand how blessed I am.

I've learned how to look at things objectively. I'm not always able to stay calm cool and collected but I am much better at this then I have ever been before.  I think a big part of this growing up and learning has come over the past 2 years. Marrying the culmination of all the boyfriends past and landing in Al-Anon a few months later has allowed me to figure myself out.

In the same email where my friend told me it's none of my business I had also talked about how I handle conversations in which someone is seriously considering leaving their spouse. See this is such a unique to each person decision to make. I know what my experience was and is. I know that my friend is currently going through the divorce process. We have different life experiences going on but we are dealing with the same disease.  I think at the end of the day it is never my place to tell someone else what to do, no matter how well intentioned I may be. I can be as supportive as possible and listen every day of the week!

I used to judge pretty quickly. Now I take a step back. I don't need to immediately tell someone else what to do. I believe that the way I make an impact on the world around me is by my actions and my willingness to help when I see the opportunity.

I have had flashbacks recently as to what was going on during the summer of 2 years ago. It was so bad that I came in to work on a Friday (July 22) and told my boss that I needed a personal day. Things had gotten to the point where I was going to leave. Instead of leaving I chose to stay and fight. I've been fighting for over 2 years now. When I look back I see where the progress is. I see how far we've come. Even though right now I am struggling I think that the reason it's so hard right now is because we're about to turn another corner.

I'm struggling with frustrations. I'm questioning if I'm making the right choices. I'm powerless over a disease that certainly does its best to destroy the peace and harmony that I fight so hard for in my home. This is ongoing but especially since end of June and throughout this month I have found myself really questioning God as to what the plan is for me.

Right now there are factors in my life that I choose to accept as they are, and I have no control because they are the people in my life. I am slowly but surely beginning to work my 4th step, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". I have been sitting on this step for over a year now. I'm finally ready to start the process. I have started to evaluate myself, and I realized that it is time and I am finally ready.

Progress not perfection!

Thursday Thoughts

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I'm still worshipping. Here's the deal regardless if I get called back for the next round of interviews, and regardless if I land the new position, I still have a really good job. I will still receive a promotion and raise in April. I received a bonus which was awesome, and is all gone.

I'm trying to figure out the condo situation. The inspection came back and they have some requirements that I'm just not sure I can make happen. I'm supposed to explain where the hot water heater is, I don't know. I'm trying to find this out but it's kind of (or really a big) pain and inconvenience.

I'm checking into if I can put a rail up for the back stairs. This is HOA property and I have to have permission to do something like that. I am ready to throw up my hands and say next but my property manager has not been as willing to just walk away from a cash in hand tenant. I do understand and I do get why she's working to try and make it work. It's just trying to handle this on top of the waiting to find out if I made it to the next round has me worshipping a lot.

In my car, anytime I'm in it, there is really loud worship music playing. I'm doing my best to keep my focus on Him. At work when my work load is overwhelming I can get twitchy. Yet I know that all things are possible through Him.

I worked out with an amazing trainer on Monday and I LOVED her. I didn't feel that sore Tuesday but by Tuesday night I was starting to be sore and yesterday I was really hurting, but I wasn't crippled. Last night I forced myself to the gym and today I'm moving slightly better and I'm less sore then yesterday. My shirt is too tight in the arms so I unbuttoned it. I think my arm muscles are slightly swollen, at least I hope this is the case since it hurts to lift my arms.

Regardless of the outcome with work I know that my identity is in Him. Regardless of how the condo works out I know that He always provides.

I had to let the trainer know that I just can't afford $100 a month. Yes $25 a week is an awesome deal and I do wish that I could make this happen. It's not realistic for me to commit for a year, that's $1200, there are other things that I need to contribute towards as much as I would love to have this trainer work with me.

I stepped on the scale at the gym Monday night and I'm pretty sure it's the same as it was last January when I went in for the fitness evaluation that left me crippled for over a week. So that means that I haven't gained any weight in a year. I also haven't lost any weight in a year, that does NOT make me happy. I'm 20ish pounds more then I want to be. This same stupid 20 pounds that I've been fighting since 2001. I can lose it but my body bounces right back to this comfortable weight, and I DO NOT LIKE IT.

However, I also realize that my identity and value don't come from the scale numbers either. I'm probably struggling more with that concept then with anything else.

This week is just a challenge, not in an overwhelming way, just in an OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS MAY I PLEASE HAVE SOME ANSWERS AND MOVEMENT kind of way. And then I remember that while patience has never been my strong point His timing has never ever been mine and He is the one in control.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to Him and He will set your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Condo

If there is one absolute lesson that I've learned in 2012 it's that God is in control. He already knows our needs and has provided.

I've also learned that His timing is not mine, and that most often there is growth in the wait. Sunday's message at church was titled God of the Impossible. The story was Abram and Sari and how God waited and fulfilled His promise to Abram in His time.

This morning I arrived at work to a lot of email. One of the emails was from my property manager. My tenants are moving out January 31.

What I am reminded of is the timing. My last HOA assessment was paid on January 1. I have been using the rent income to cover the assessment. Last August they signed a 6 month lease. God provided.

While it's disconcerting to know that the place is opening up I can't look at it from a place of concern or worry. I simply know that before I left I asked a blessing over each room. I prayed that all who stay there will be blessed and if they didn't know the Lord, they would come to know Him.

I prayed that my condo space will be a blessing to others. I have tithed the rent income faithfully. I know that sitting and worrying is not conducive and not necessary. I'm supposed to turn this over and know that this is all happening in His timing, and I can trust that He has all the details arranged.

Progress

Driving home last night I realized that it would be better for me to stay in then try and participate in my usual Tuesday night running around. I think the only way to fight this cold is rest.

Mr. Clean went to ballet class. It worked out really well because he was able to help Girl Clean put her shoes on for class. He was also able to talk to Amy and her fiancé and say congratulations. He asked if they had set a date yet, they haven't. We're thinking the wedding will come sooner rather then later.

When he got home we were talking. Something I realized last summer was that for all the head knowledge my husband had of the Bible and his seminary background he didn't seem to grasp how much God loved him.

I've mentioned a few times over the past few weeks the changes that I've seen. The progress that he and I have made; we have moments and I am thankful for the tools I have. I've been able to separate out the man from the disease. I've so clearly seen how God has worked and it is awe inspiring to me. It didn't happen over night. Clearly there have been some very difficult times. Yet through it all the situation was gradually changing.

Last summer I resorted to letter writing. I was so frustrated because I could see that he had no concept that it didn't matter what he had done God still loved him. God still has plans for him. I wrote letters and gave scripture reference and pretty much beat my husband over the head with words. This did not get us anywhere. Or maybe it did but everything else was so crazy I wouldn't have been able to see it.

As summer turned to fall I was still writing letters. I was still frustrated and still trying to change him. I started researching and trying to figure out what I could do to fix him. I had people praying. I had read books for me, and yet my focus was still trying to fix him. In my mind this was all his fault and all our problems were because of him.

Then in October I found a website and a message board where I learned about Al-Anon. They encouraged me to find a face to face meeting and it took 2 weeks but I finally did. I was ready to hear that it was ok for me to leave. That I had done everything I could and my solution was to just walk away. Except in Al-Anon no one tells you what to do. They tell you to keep coming back. They tell you about their experience and what worked for them. They tell you to take what you like and leave the rest.

Meanwhile life at home was in a strange place. While not the nightmare it had been from the summer before. It was still not ideal. As I learned about boundaries, and not accepting unacceptable behavior I slowly started to implement my boundaries. I started questioning my motives. I started reading and listening and gradually I started finding myself.

For YEARS I dated and dated and dated trying to find the (or a) guy to marry. I had a history of changing me to fit what I thought that they wanted. By the time Mr. Clean entered my life I was actually slowly starting to figure myself out. My marriage was the final push in direction of learning how to accept myself. In a meeting a few Tuesday's ago one of our members said Al-Anon gave me myself, and taught me how to love her. Truer words could not be spoken from my own mouth.

It was finding me that allowed me to make the call to walk away last March. I realized that I refused to accept the way things were any longer. I refused to tolerate being treated with anything less then dignity and respect. I can also say that because I had reached that place of understanding me, I was able to go back on my own time frame and no one else's.

Last night my husband was talking to me about how he's finally starting to understand that God really does love him. That for years he spent so much effort trying to work and earn God's acceptance and approval and he had it all along. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us first and because of His love we can love others. THIS. IS. HUGE!!! I was sitting there as he was telling me all this (and a lot more but I'm cutting to this part of the story) and I was silently saying prayers of absolute thanksgiving!

I think that there is a mistaken impression that we have to work for God's love. I know it's not just my husband who feels/felt this way. God is love and He loves. It's difficult for the world to understand this love because the church, largely, does not show this love. I know that there are churches that do but with so many church members throwing a list of thou shall nots in front of people the message is lost.

Instead of beating others over the head with rules that don't apply what happened to inviting someone to a meal. NOT to give a testimony but to share a meal. Instead of standing on a corner shouting scripture verses through a megaphone what about taking yourself to the homeless shelter and taking that time to serve a meal and show love.

If those who profess Christianity as their identity would strive to be Christ like to others then the world might be a little more ready to listen to what Christians have to say.

unsettled, working out, special mirrors

I have this unsettled feeling. It's this knowledge that more change is coming my way and while it's good I'm not sure yet what it will all look like.

I pray and read and wonder. I have this feeling that things have been set in motion. That while it's going to be amazing and incredible it will also be difficult and challenging and at times heart breaking.

I know that my experiences from the past year served to grow me, stretch me, bring me outside my comfort zone, and remind me that there is only one who knows all the answers.

The memories from last year I have asked (in prayer) that they be blurred and faded and that I will only remember the good. I will be able to say, yes it was challenging and difficult (downright miserable) but I will not be able to elaborate simply because I have asked for the details to be wiped from my memory.

Last night I got home and made scotcharoos. Mr. Clean made dinner. My friend who was at the party had texted me about getting together. I had prayed regarding this because I knew what my schedule was looking like and I know that it's important and I very much wanted to schedule something but the details were intimidating me. I was overreacting. She and I figured it out and I'm excited.

I ate dinner, and watched Big Bang Theory while checking email. Then I headed out to the gym. I had an awesome workout. I did walking lunges, squats, and skater squats. Then I did arms. I started and interval-ed with the elliptical machine. My arms looked awesome last night, in the windows reflection this morning they look flabby. Go figure, maybe they have special mirrors at the gym?

I cut 6 inches off my hair last week. I guess because it was so long and I was wearing it up all the time no one realized how long it was. I've had to tell people that I've cut my hair when they ask me why I look different. Apparently it's still long.

I have a ton of work to do and my concentration is lacking. I need focus!

Thankful Thursday

This week I'm doing this a little differently. I have a lot that I am thankful for, and I know that I am blessed. I also have to remind myself sometimes just how big God is and how much He loves us. I receive daily reminders of His love and I, at times, feel overwhelmed by the overall greatness of Him! He provides all our needs, He knows the plans He has for us, He will take care of us, we just have to cast our cares and fears on Him and He has us!

1 Chronicles 16:8-11 Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.”

Psalm 9:1-2 I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

Psalm 100:4-5 “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”

Psalm 106:1 “Praise the Lord Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

1 Corinthians 15:55-58 “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Timing and understanding

I've made the statement a few times now in posts that I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

This post has been formulating in my head for a while now.

I have spent a lot of time writing about my life. I have documented the work aspect, the family aspect and the dating aspect, especially the dating aspect. I asked what was I doing wrong, what was I missing, what did I need to do differently? And on it went. Sometimes I would have moments of clarity but for the most part I just moved on with life and on to the next one, easily bored, or annoyed and with the click of my keys and the send button the break up was done and I was free again.

I watched a movie last night with Mr. Clean, Beauty and the Briefcase, and it was every bit as cheesy and dumb as it sounds. However, there was a very clear point that despite the happily ever after, fairytailish ending, I did hear loud and clear. The character had this checklist and no guy could live up to her "magic man" she had unrealistic expectations and once she let go of those expectations she was able to find the guy who met none of her checklist points but was just perfect for her, I know, *gag* and yet true at the same time.

Life is a journey; we're all experiencing our own hills, valleys, moments of drowning in the rainstorms, and struggling through the dry times when it feels we will never know what it is like to not be thirsty for whatever it is we are thirsting for at that point in our journey.

I have talked about how I can only change me. While I've spent a lot of time reflecting, analyzing, and writing over the past few years, I have certain areas where I really refused to give them up, especially, dating. I prayed my way through 2 1/2 years of a nightmare job. Yet on the other side of that experience I am now unbelievably thankful for what I do have. It took me understanding how horrific a job can be in order to appreciate the fact that no job is ideal but some are definitely better then others. When I look at that chapter of my life I know that God provided in so many ways, including the opportunity for me to leave and step into this new position.

At the beginning of this year I was dating Joe, nice enough. I was embarrassed by him, he was very rough around the edges. Fortunately for me I had come far enough along in what I have learned from dating that I knew I had to break up with him. I can be a Pollyanna when it comes to guys but I had already come a long way in knowing what works and what does not work.

A few weeks later I met Mr. Clean. We had good conversations, deep conversations; I knew that this really might be something. When he asked me to marry him, of course I agreed. I knew that based on conversations we had that this was the right decision for me to make. I still believe in the choice that I made, I love my husband. I believe that God had a plan to bring us together.

I insisted on premarital counseling, I read books about what to know for when you first get married to make the transition as smooth as possible. I willingly sold a whole bunch of stuff in a yard sale and donated a whole lot more after that.

I wrote about how things were not very easy early on. In fact for the first 7 weeks they were downright awful. To this day I believe that I know the reasons why, there was more then 1 contributing factor. Then I had the moment where I realized that avoiding confrontation was not working, and while I typically don't like conflict I also refuse to allow someone to treat me in a manner that is rude or critical. So I determined that things were going to change one way or another. I set a 7 week mark for things to turn around, and they did.

I read and researched and prayed. Life was evening out, we were adjusting. Then the Sunday situation that happened with Jack, I'm thankful for my parents who took such good care of the boy. I'm thankful that my husband finally listened to me, and I'm thankful that I found a trainer who I think will be fantastic!! The trainer was supposed to come this Sunday but due to a blown knee had to push the appointment back. Fortunately implementing advice she has already provided has proven beneficial in working with Jack!!!

I'm working on me, my reactions, my thoughts. I'm a work in progress. I spent a lot of years dating, trying to find my magic man, when really there is no such thing. I heard a song on my drive Friday morning, Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing" came on the radio, here are the lyrics

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

This so perfectly sums up what is going on with me right now. I will be honest, a lot of days I find myself frustrated and there are mornings when I'm driving to work that I cry. There are other days when I have so much hope and confidence and peace. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me. He is working in ways that I can't yet see or understand. This place where I am at requires digging deeper, going well below the surface, believing in the purpose and plan that He has for me.

His timing, His ways, His understanding, He is the one in control. For so long I kept fighting for the right to control what was not mine to control and I truly believe that He has brought me to this place, and He will bring me through this and He knows what my future holds.

Almost September

"This year has been one of coming into my own. Learning myself, knowing when to let go and when to hold on and when to fight, learning not to give up and believe in myself. I've been tremendously blessed and I'm thankful for what I have and what is yet to come!" Is it really December? 12/8/10


"I've proven that I can take care of myself. I've proven that I can guard my heart, not perfectly but better then I've ever been able to before. I also know that sometimes it's worth the risk of getting hurt because when you meet someone really special even if it doesn't work out at least you know in your heart that you gave it everything you could and the next time around I refuse to let the past dictate the future. Life is about taking chances and looking for opportunities and learning how to believe in yourself. It's about letting go of your idea of perfect and moving forward by appreciating that everything happens for a reason. The really amazing moments are only so amazing because we've experienced the painful moments as well." Running and Cutting Loose 12/16/10

This time 2009 I was preparing for a trip down to visit RS. That would be a turning point. We would have a great first night and then the pattern that was cemented into our relationship dna played itself out true to form. The following day was awkward and when I left I knew that there had been a shift. I realized that once and for all he needed to be the one to end it. I applied for my current full time job. I got a call a few days later. A week after that I had an interview. A week after that I received a job offer. 2 Weeks later, I started my new job.

This time 2010 I was happy. Training for the ATL 13.1, coming off of a fabulous summer! I was excited regarding what the future held.

September 1 is tomorrow. It is hard for me to believe that we're already 9 months into the year, although I should be getting used to the way that time goes so fast. The temperatures are cooling; the mornings hold the promise of autumn. It's starting to get dark just a little earlier. October will be the year mark of meeting JM. I made a reply comment via a text conversation with him last October regarding my family lake house that I was positive that he would see it. I will never know or completely understand that story. I think I have a pretty good idea. I know that everything happens for a reason. Mr. Clean and I will be going on Sunday for a day with my family. I'm looking forward to the few scheduled days that I have off!!

I've been reading back over my posts quite a bit the past few days. Something has clicked while reading. I'm so glad that I have documented life over these past few years. Life is never easy. Life is never how I think it should be. I've had high moments, low moments and in between moments. Through it all I've reminded myself that God is faithful, that He provides, that everything happens for a reason.

These past few weeks have been amazing. Despite disappointments and hurts when I reflect on the changes that have happened I'm so thankful. My quote from the Is it really December? post so accurately summarizes how much I grew and became comfortable in my own skin through lots of talking and writing during last summer. I'm so glad that I had that time. I was able to become more grounded in where I stand and what I believe. It was the perfect timing and prepared me for the challenges of this summer in ways I never would have understood. The quote from Running and Cutting loose, while it applied to everything that had happened, applies to me even more now.

Life is about love. As cheesy as that sounds I'm not talking about easy love. I'm talking about the love that forgives, the love that understands no one is perfect. Love doesn't give up when all the circumstances seem impossible and insurmountable. Love believes that God is bigger, that He can, that He is able. When I reflect on the changes and encouragements and the difference I'm in awe. I know that there have been so many people praying. I know that this is only the beginning and I am so excited at what the future holds! In reading back over my posts I'm reminded that in all things God is faithful! I might have been looking for different results and different answers He's not a band aid, not a crutch, not an excuse, not a remedy, He has been the source of my strength, my comfort, my hope, He makes all things new and He always is, always was and always will be.