it's a process

I have to admit that this week has been hard. There are a lot of thoughts rolling in my head and I can't just type it all out into a post. I went to see Audra Sunday, I arranged to pick up mail from Amy's place. 

D has explained that Daddy and L had an argument and L had to leave but "we're going to pray for her to come back". Then he also said in front of A to her mom, maybe this is a sign that Daddy and Mommy are supposed to be together... When he was leaving from dropping her off he says Daddy has to go because L doesn't want to see him.

For all the many texts and emails about how much he has changed he has really not changed as much as he wants to believe. I get it, I have known all along that just because someone quits drinking it does not mean that all the other stuff is magically solved. There are so many issues, and the drinking exacerbates the other issues.

For me hearing that he would suggest that as far as the "Daddy and Mommy getting back together". OK first I don't care because I am done, let me state that. But what really got me was for the past 3 years I've heard about how she does xyz and zyx and she blah blah blah and I was the one who had to get him to watch what he said in front of A and then to go and throw something like that out, should not surprise me and yet it did.

I'm also struggling with my own head and my feelings are starting to hit about being alone and the fact that I walked away and what did I do and it's this bizarre dichotomy of thoughts. I have not once questioned or 2nd guessed myself. These thoughts are not those of "OH MY GOSH what did I do?" type thoughts but more this insidious poison that seeps into my thinking. I thought that I had dealt with this aspect of my character flaws but apparently not as well as I had believed. 

I'm eating my feelings and I know I need to stop. All the working out in the world is not going to prevent weight gain and I tell myself I'm not even hungry, doesn't do much for me though.

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since my move. It's been such a short time and yet it feels so much longer. I remember the days after my wedding it was a similar feeling of knowing that it had been such a short time but feeling as though it had been years.

I met my friend Nicole last night for dinner. I started opening up about some of the stuff that had happened right after the wedding. I stopped talking about the negative stuff because I realized that if I was going to try and make it work I needed to be cautious about how much I said. It was not all bad but the weight of trying to make it work and living in a situation where I could never truly let my guard down was  a challenge.

I can look at myself from a step away and I can tell you that I am truly not anywhere near a whole person right now. I was never good at relationships before my marriage and this marriage was not any kind of a reflection of how marriage is supposed to be. I'm left with this nagging voice telling me that marriage is just not for me. Then there is the rational part of my brain reminding me that I don't even need to be thinking about whether or not marriage is or is not for me, nor do I need to be thinking about dating or relationships but rather I need to be focused on taking care of myself right now.

I truly believe that D will be dating again by April and I am perfectly OK with that. I don't care. I'm struggling because before I got married I was rarely ever single for long and like I said, I thought I had dealt with that but apparently there are still pieces that exist that make me think it would be a good idea to friend JM. 

I've talked about the red flags that I should have been aware of. Goodness gracious should I have known. They say hindsight is 20/20. There were so many factors at play with me when I got married I went full steam ahead. In my mind I HAD to get married. I suppose part of the stuff I have to sort out is breaking that thought pattern even now and accepting that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I would rather be single and happy than where I've been for the past 2 1/2 years.

It's a process. I'll get through it. I just have to keep taking it one day at a time. 

The days fly by!!!

I've figured out by now that my life just seems to run at a pace that is always on go.

Last Saturday morning I drove up to see my brother, SIL and adorable nephew. We hung out and talked and enjoyed the always amazing Frogmore Stew, it's a low country boil with shrimp, sausage, onion, corn and potatoes and lots of Old Bay seasoning, oh so YUMMY!!!

Sunday morning I was up early and I drove back to Charlotte for church. My friend Karen and Tiff and her little girl K joined me. The sermon series for February has been on the birds and the bees. When I saw that this was the topic I was hesitant to even go because at this point in my life I felt like it so did not apply to me. The first Saturday when Karen and I were there the message was so good and I definitely gleaned something from it.

Last Sunday's message was about love. The pastor did an interview with Emily Maynard, she was on the bachelor, and the bachelorette and now she is engaged to a guy that she actually met through Forest Hill. She talked about how lonely she was when she came back from her time on the bachelorette and how she knew that she had made a huge mistake. I could so relate to what she said. I wasn't sure what to expect but I really appreciated the honesty and I was actually really impressed. She talked about how the Bible can be really intimidating and when she got back from the bachelorette and there were all these awful things being said about her she would type search words into Biblegateway and find scripture verses and that led into actually reading the Bible. I agree that the Bible can be really intimidating if you've never read it. Overall I was just really glad that I went.

After church was just a lazy day.

This past week at work was busy especially because we had the snow day last week. Monday night I went to my Abs and Booty class, Tuesday night I ran with Jack. Wednesday night I went to Chair Fit and Thursday night I went for a run. This morning Jack and I were up and running again.

After our run Jack Banner got a bath much to his dismay! I got ready and headed to Winston Salem. My friend Margs and her husband are moving back from Canada. They close on a house in Greenville, SC next Friday and right now she is at her parents house. It was SO good to see her and her 2 boys. We went to lunch and sat and talked for several hours and it was wonderful!!!

Not having access to blogger at work is really tough. I miss being able to write, which I suppose since they do pay me to work I can't complain overly much.

I hope that everyone is having a fabulous weekend!!!

The past few days

They totally blocked blogger at work. I was so very sad when I realized this. It's not like I could read that many blogs anymore anyways but I was still able to post and now I can't even do that.

We got snow on Tuesday and it was beautiful but didn't create any issues with the roads because it didn't accumulate. I met Lisa for dinner to help celebrate her birthday that was last Thursday. It was so good to see her and to revisit an old favorite of mine, Thai Taste on East Blvd.

Wednesday I had a bag packed, they were calling for more snow and my college roomie who lives less than 5 miles from my office invited me to stay at her house if it got bad. When I drove in there was nothing falling from the sky. Fast forward about an hour or 2 and it started falling and the roads got bad fast. They sent us home at 11 even though the office didn't officially close until 12. It took me 40 minutes to get to Tiffany's house because the road conditions were so bad and I drive a Mazda 3, definitely not a snow car.

I enjoyed hanging out with Tiff and her little girl. We had lunch and dinner and talked and K played in the snow. I had to be prepared to go to work in the morning because my company usually will not close the office unless it's really bad.

I checked the weather line at 4am and we were still not delayed or closed so I emailed my manager that I would be in late. At 6:20 I got the message that the office was closed.

After breakfast I was able to catch a ride with Tiff's next door neighbor to go to the grocery store for the essentials, like beer.... and wine.... oh and milk and the stuff for dinner that night.

When I got back from the store we walked to the park with the neighbors. Tiff's neighborhood has a bunch of kids all around the same age and they all play together and it's really neat! The girls had fun at the park and then they went to play at one of the little girl's houses. Tiff and I talked and started making dinner.

Eventually the girls all came back to her house and K had her first sleepover with the 2 other little girls.

As Tiff and I were talking it came up about my wedding and I found out that D had snapped at her. I was horrified and I am so glad that I found out about it. He has contacted me every day since I left. He is swearing up and down that he is changed and different and begging me to come back. I am done.She said that she tried to just chalk it up to nerves but it really threw her that he was so rude that day.

This morning the office was on a delay. They were still trying  to clear the parking lot when I got there. Then this afternoon trying to get up the hill to my parents I got stuck. Some sweet kid stopped and gave me a push so I could go down to my Aunt and Uncle's driveway, where I got stuck. My mom and I shoveled the driveway so I could get up it and then went down and shoveled my car out, fun times.

Tonight my parents  are going to dinner and I'm going to clean. I was supposed to clean Wednesday since I said that I would just keep to the same schedule as my every other week clean they just don't have to pay me anymore but since I was gone Wednesday night I'm going to knock that out tonight.

Originally I was supposed to have a date with my adorable nephew but that has been postponed. I am going up tomorrow to see my brother, SIL and cutie nephew!

Happy Valentines all!!!

5 Minutes

I had my review at work today. My manager mentioned too much personal emailing. I explained that last week was the move but since I no longer have to worry about taking phone calls at night and checking email that I should have no trouble curtailing the personal emailing. It's my typing that is distracting according to my manager. I think I might have been busted for my post because I'm sure that the typing of that was distracting too.

The good news, I can now sit at the computer at night without having to worry about anything, ahhh precious freedom!!!

Last Tuesday was the move. Wednesday night I made it to chair fit, love that class. I took a phone call from D after the class. He was explaining all the things that he is changing and swearing up and down that this time will be different. I'm simply done.

Thursday I went for a run at the new gym. I don't love the one that is close to my parents house but the one that is across the street from my office seems very nice. I can make this work. I purchased the membership that allows me to go to all the locations in Charlotte.

Friday I had the day off from work. I woke up early and went and got my taxes done. I went to Dick's and purchased some new running pants and tops. It was necessary. I haven't purchased new running pants in a while, there is a difference between work out pants and running pants. Work out pants will fall down and you have to pull them up and I'm sure I have made quite a show on more than one occasion as I run down the road trying to pull my pants up and hold onto Jack.

I drove home, rested, then went out to buy a hair dryer, shampoo, body wash and a hair brush for Audra to have at her Dad's house. He texted while I was shopping asking if I would meet him between 3:45 and 4. I agreed to meet at 4 in a movie theatre parking lot that was half way for both of us. I needed to give him some clothes and a key to a po box, he had my vacuum cleaner, scale and safe. 

He tried to tell me that this time will be different. He bought a diamond ring. I told him I certainly hoped  he could take that back. He asked if I still loved him. I said I am done. The truth is my word is DONE. I have tried and tried and tried and there are so many factors and details and reasons and I know them all. It's not that I don't love him, because I wouldn't have fought so hard if I didn't love him but sometimes you have to walk away, and I reached that point.

Friday evening I went to dinner with my parents. To the restaurant where I hadn't been since this past summer when D showed his rear end in front of my parents and several other couples and told me that I was not "allowed" to ever return and I was not "allowed" to take Audra. I hadn't been back since, not because of what he had said but because life is busy. 

Saturday morning I got up and took Jack for a run. Mom and I ran errands and then rearranged my storage unit. I met my friend Karen at church, and it was so fantastic and while I very much loved my church in Concord I know that I am closing that chapter and I know that I'm going to be attending Forest Hill again. 

Sunday I met Tiffany at her house and we walked on the Green-way and caught up with each other. Sunday evening I went to see Audra at her moms and reassure her that I am still here, that I am not going anywhere and that she can call me anytime she wants to. Audra will be fine, I have no doubt.

Life is moving forward. D is trying to convince me that everything is different that he has changed and that I must come back. He is reaching out to people at church asking them to contact me to convince me that I need to go back. I am very nicely letting people know that I am not able to talk about it.

I have moments where I feel fear, or moments where I am sad, but ultimately I love knowing that I can talk on the phone, email, visit friends, and live my life.

Happy Monday!!!

Closing the chapter

When I said I do I meant every word that I said as I read my vows. I promised to love, to forgive, to support.

It's incredibly easy to vilify someone in writing because they don't have the opportunity to share their side of the story and there are always two sides to every story!

I've written about how challenging I found marriage to be. I got married anticipating that it might not be easy but I could figure it out as I went along. I was moving into a place without a lot of closet space so I sold or donated my clothing and shoes that did not fit.

I accepted that pictures of family would just have to be relegated to the digital frame instead of hung up all over the way that I had done at my condo.

I scheduled my calendar carefully trying to make sure that I didn't book too many things back to back and I wasn't out of town too often.

I forgave, and tried to let go of the offense, love keeps no records of wrong. I grew up hearing that you never threaten divorce and it's never an option. I grew up hearing that you fight for marriage, you don't just give up.

Then I found myself praying for death because I didn't believe in divorce and I was married and it was awful.

I started reading every book that I could about marriage. I found Al-Anon. I sought pastoral counseling. Sometimes things were fine but every few weeks they weren't. I would do something like fix a sandwich incorrectly, my sandwich mind you or I would say something that was taken the wrong way and I had suddenly insulted his job.

Last summer was so tumultuous that I found a counselor and started going to see her. She kept reminding me that sometimes you just have to walk away. I kept pointing out that there were so many variables that it wasn't as easy as just walking away.

There are so many stories that I have not written out. It truly wouldn't be fair. Suffice to say when the final straw came it was enough that I knew that I was absolutely done. Instead of praying about whether or not I should leave my prayer was if you don't want me to leave shut every door otherwise I'm walking through them.

I knew from past experience that it would take planning on my part. I also knew that I had to really take the time to pray and give the doors time to shut if they were going to. No doors shut. I started making my plans.

I met with a lawyer. I arranged for a moving truck and movers. I scheduled the necessary days off of work. I slowly started sharing with close friends what was going to happen.

For so many years my, "be all end all" was to get married. Yet I never realized just how full my life already was. It took marrying someone who wanted to isolate me from all that and take all that away from me for me to realize that I am a very blessed individual. The overwhelming amount of support and love that I have received has made me realize how incredibly full my life is.

Yesterday morning I woke up and prepared for work as normal. I left the house at my normal time. Instead of driving to the office I drove to my parents' house. I wrote a letter. My mom and I left the house and drove to my house to start packing up my things.

My Dad met the movers at the Uhaul place and they all drove up to Concord. My friend Nicole arrived. My mom's friend who directed my wedding and her husband arrived. My Dad and the movers arrived. We packed up my things and headed back to Charlotte.

I secured a storage unit in January and we moved most of my things into that. I kept my clothes shoes and that type stuff for my room at my parents' house. In a matter of a few hours everything was done. Jack Banner is adjusting. He is still not sure what has happened but he is happy to be at the Grandparents!