This time of year always brings about a time of reflection. When I was talking to my summer college roommate (I have 2 one I lived with for 21/2 years the other I sublet a room in the apartment she had in Boone) so she and I were discussing this time last year. I had just broken up with the guy I now think of as a holy roller and I planned to take a break from dating. I was sick last year from about Thanksgiving to New Years and New Years Eve I was supposed to work but instead I spent it on my couch. Then that following Saturday I was still unable to go in but went out with the college roomie 2 and met the guy who I went out with a few times. He was one who liked to go out and I was not trying to get back into that mode so he and I parted ways after 2 dates. Then BG contacted me and I found out he had a girlfriend and that was just disturbing to me. In fact sidenote, BG actually had the nerve to text me on Christmas to say Merry Christmas. Seriously I don't want to but if he contacts me again I will remind him that I already told him if he contacted me I would contact his girlfriend and send her the link to this blog that has the transcript of the conversation that he and I had last year superbowl sunday. Ok back to my story, so I found out about BG and the girlfriend and that really ticked me off and then I had the trip to Atlanta to visit my friend who was about to have a baby and she's also the sister of my exboyfriend who lives in Atlanta as well. He came up for dinner that Friday night and I realized that it was possible he wanted to get back together. I did not have any desire to get back together with him as I had very specific reasons for breaking up with him. I never have revealed to him that I cheated on him and it is my belief that if you cheat on them you have no business being in a dating relationship with that person. So that was a weird situation. I arrived back in Charlotte and my full time job was miserable. I was desperately searching for a new job. There was not much and I was greatful for the fact that I did have a full time job. At the end of February I was getting a little bored and after my brothers success on Match I decided to give it another try. I met a guy who I was intrigued by he and I had all kinds of physical chemisty but he was really only interested in one thing, well maybe two, he really did love my cookies.
So I end things with him to date the guy from high school. The guy from high school I really thought was something special and I thought it was going to move right along to the altar... But then he flipped a switch and I realized that he was actually just a jerk. He called me clingy and I AM NOT clingy!! So he and I break up and all along I'd talked to the guy I dated before him and then I made the biggest mistake of all. I gave the guy who broke my heart into a million pieces yet another chance and found out he hadn't changed. He begged me to forgive and give him another opportunity and like a fool I did. Fortunately this time around as much as it hurt I learned an important lesson, he's never going to change. Because of that relationship I will no longer give second, third, fourth chances. If it didn't work out it didn't work out for a reason. If I have dated someone and we go our separate ways I will not stay friends or stay in touch. It's over, life moves on. While this may seem harsh it seems to be what I have to do. There are exceptions but for the most part this is where I stand. After that fiasco I decided it was time to distract myself and so I resigned with Match. I actually had a couple dates and talked to a couple different guys. I found that it took a lot of effort to keep everyone straight and didn't really click with anyone. By the time I started talking to my current boyfriend I had cancelled my subscription and decided it was time to take a break and sign up for EHarmony in January. Then I ran a 15K and this guy who I had seen before at the 10K introduces himself to me. If you had told me that I would meet a guy at the end of a race when I look absolutely horrible I would have said you are out of your mind. And yet I did and it works. So I enter 2010 with a fantastic new job, a wonderful part time job, a roommate who I like, my family is healthy, my brother is getting married and I have an amazing boyfriend. This year has been challenging as far as money and for the better part of the year my job. I've learned that you have to let go of things and for me this is hard. I'm so excited to see what this new decade will bring!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friendship
The best part about having friends who have all known you for either most of your life or more than 10 years is that they know you well! I've been blessed to have friendships that have lasted despite ups and downs along the way.
I went over the story about the running buddy with my oldest friend, my next oldest friend, my friend from high school and my 2 college roommates. I tend to need to vent and they all are good to point out when I'm being crazy or unreasonable.
Today I met with my college roommate, who lived with me 2 1/2 years, I don't know how she managed but she did. So as I begin to tell the story she says it sounds like ya'll were dating and I told her just wait it gets better. She asked if the person was still single and when I said yes she and I could both understand why.
What I didn't have time to go into with her was the further thought that I've had regarding this situation. (This is the good thing about writing out my thoughts here, I love my friends dearly and at some point you have to quit spinning the wheel of conversation on a topic and this one I'm getting tired of) But back to my further thought.
This running buddy and I ran several races together but I also ran on my own. She is a cute girl, intelligent, classy, cleans up well. I realized that she deleted me from her facebook friends after I changed my relationship status. This leads me to believe that despite her claim that she's very happy for me and not at all jealous she is in fact so jealous she can't see straight. I say that for this reason. We ran all these times together and she never met a guy. I even encouraged her to join a running group so she could meet potential guys who enjoyed running. She didn't. So the fact that I meet a guy at a race is like a burr under her saddle. The fact that he's smart, treats me well and is a dentist must be making her green because she didn't find someone as well. I'm not trying to be rude or insensitive I just truly believe that along with turning 30 this was just too much for her to take.
The thing is my guy wouldn't even be her type and she would not have given him a second look nor the time of day. I wasn't looking when I met him. I had decided to take another break from dating until after the new year and then I planned to resign up for EHarmony. Now 2 months later I find myself getting to know this amazing wonderful guy! I have also found myself on the running buddy's S(*& list. I tend to agree with my other college roommate that relationships that require this much work are not worth it. I just wish that we didn't work together and I didn't have to work so hard to keep out of her way!
I went over the story about the running buddy with my oldest friend, my next oldest friend, my friend from high school and my 2 college roommates. I tend to need to vent and they all are good to point out when I'm being crazy or unreasonable.
Today I met with my college roommate, who lived with me 2 1/2 years, I don't know how she managed but she did. So as I begin to tell the story she says it sounds like ya'll were dating and I told her just wait it gets better. She asked if the person was still single and when I said yes she and I could both understand why.
What I didn't have time to go into with her was the further thought that I've had regarding this situation. (This is the good thing about writing out my thoughts here, I love my friends dearly and at some point you have to quit spinning the wheel of conversation on a topic and this one I'm getting tired of) But back to my further thought.
This running buddy and I ran several races together but I also ran on my own. She is a cute girl, intelligent, classy, cleans up well. I realized that she deleted me from her facebook friends after I changed my relationship status. This leads me to believe that despite her claim that she's very happy for me and not at all jealous she is in fact so jealous she can't see straight. I say that for this reason. We ran all these times together and she never met a guy. I even encouraged her to join a running group so she could meet potential guys who enjoyed running. She didn't. So the fact that I meet a guy at a race is like a burr under her saddle. The fact that he's smart, treats me well and is a dentist must be making her green because she didn't find someone as well. I'm not trying to be rude or insensitive I just truly believe that along with turning 30 this was just too much for her to take.
The thing is my guy wouldn't even be her type and she would not have given him a second look nor the time of day. I wasn't looking when I met him. I had decided to take another break from dating until after the new year and then I planned to resign up for EHarmony. Now 2 months later I find myself getting to know this amazing wonderful guy! I have also found myself on the running buddy's S(*& list. I tend to agree with my other college roommate that relationships that require this much work are not worth it. I just wish that we didn't work together and I didn't have to work so hard to keep out of her way!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Must Vent
I’ve had a running buddy who I’ve done quite a few of my races with. She is the reason I landed the interview for my new job. I respect her, think she’s a great person. She and I ran the UNCC 4.9K on October 24 and the next day I had my first date with my current guy. He and I would have our next date the following Friday. Then that Sunday we went for massages and Jack (my dog)met Snickers and Sophie (his dogs). I continued to have a once weekly running time with this running buddy up until the week of Thanksgiving. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving she and I went to lunch.
Now after the 15K that we ran she blew out her knee and I didn’t have time to train for Thunder Rd ½ marathon so it was my understanding that we were not going to do this. The 5K that corresponded with this event was $30 and I felt that too much to pay for a 5K. Meanwhile I looked at November races and the 10K in Huntersville was a good chance for me and by this time I had agreed to do the Miami ½ marathon with the current guy in January. My brother wanted to run the 10K with me so it was a great opportunity. Then the week before the 10K current guy did sign up for it. There had been a 5K the weekend before but when I had originally asked the running buddy if she wanted to do this she said she was going to a football game that day. So we go to lunch at the day before Thanksgiving. The week after Thanksgiving she had the flu. I texted all 3 days asking if there was anything I could do and letting her know I would be happy to leave anything she needed at her doorstep. She came back to work that week on Thursday and was really week from being so sick.
I asked what plans she had for her 30th b’day the following Thursday and she didn’t have any so I said I would like to take her to dinner as long as I didn’t have to work Nobles. The following Monday I let her know that I didn’t have to work and asked if we could go for a run before dinner. Now I thought about it before I asked and if it had been me I knew I would have wanted to do the run beforehand and the only reason I didn’t run on my b’day was b/c I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off on that day.
So when I sent the email her reaction was kind of weird. The next day she’d been out all day, comes over to my desk I brought up her b’day and running again, not realizing that it was a sore subject until she turned her back and walked away from me. So Wednesday I sent an apology email and said that I was sorry and whatever I had done I wanted to apologize for and if she still wanted to do dinner the next night then afternoon and evening were totally free for whatever she wanted to do.
She responded back that she was just working thru some “stuff”.
So we meet for dinner. The b’day card I hand her gets thrown in her purse. We get thru dinner and she says she owes me an apology and then proceeds to tell me that while she’s very happy for me and she’s used to getting put on the back burner when friends get into relationships that she feels completely replaced with me. She tells me that she’s very upset about the Thunder Rd 5K b/c we’d been talking about that for months and all of the sudden I back out. She is mad that I can run the 10K with current guy (actually I ran this with my brother and current guy was just able to join us b/c he didn’t go to MI for Thanksgiving). And I was able to sign up for the Miami ½ marathon but I couldn’t run that Jingle Jog (thunder rd 5K) with her. Well I only registered for the Miami ½ the Saturday before I hadn’t been able to afford the race before that. I thought the 10K a better use of my money then the 5K but I don’t say this I just sit and listen. She feels replaced, running had always been our thing. She said that her perception wasn’t the reality (and she said this a few times basically calling me a bad friend). She made it sound like I had repeatedly cancelled on her to hang out with Shawn which was not the case b/c of the fact that we continued to run once a week after I met Shawn until Thanksgiving. At this point current guy and I had only been dating 6 weeks. She said she’d always been good about working with my schedule and running and that she just resents the fact that she’s been replaced. So I let her have her say and then I just said that I was sorry she felt this way and what could I do to fix it. I’m sitting there in a weird position b/c I haven’t done anything wrong. My life is insanely busy, I had actually made a real effort to continue our once weekly runs and she’s chewing me out over things that are just not true. But she’s my friend and I want to make it better but really there’s nothing I can do. She couldn’t tell me what to do to fix it. So dinner ends and I’m a little frustrated by what’s just gone down. I mean here we are we work together. She’s always been the one to need a workout buddy. I actually prefer to work out on my own and Shawn and I rarely see each other during the week with our schedules. Before I met current guy I ran a few races without her and yes I ran one with another friend and the first 10K with a different friend but I am capable of running or working out without the need for anyone else. Yesterday I ran 9 miles, ON MY OWN. So while I understood she needed a buddy I had asked her to run still even though it wasn’t always convenient for me.
OK so she and I had signed up for the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston in March around the same time that current guy and I started dating. She told me at dinner that night that if he was coming to tell her now and she would make other plans. He’d not registered and I had just left the subject alone b/c I figured it was something she and I would have fun doing.
Ok so we have this conversation followed by a really awkward week, I would smile and say hello and she barely acknowledged it.
Last week I get an email telling me that we haven’t touched base since her b’day and that she had a good trip to VA and that she’d talked to her friend about the Charleston run and she wants to come and she looked at the hotel and there were rooms available so why didn’t shawn go ahead and book a room and then we could all do this together. I didn’t ask why her friend and her soon to be husband didn’t just get a room I said it sounded like a good idea to me. Her response great see you there. Here’s the deal, she didn’t want to ride with me down there nor did she want to room with me. The thing about this email is the fact that she sent it from her work email to my yahoo email and the response the next day was sent back to my yahoo email when I was sitting about a foot away from her. I would have actually just eaten the registration fee and not gone but since current guy is going I figure he and I will have a fun trip to Charleston and I don’t think he’s been before. We’ll see what happens I may still eat that registration fee. Now I’m still trying to be nice and Christmas Eve I smile and say Merry Christmas and she just gives me this injured, you’re such a horrible person look. I really want to be rude or lash back but we work together so at this point I just have to suck it up and continue to act like nothing is going on.
So then yesterday I’m on FB and find that she’s deleted me as a friend. I swear I feel like I’m going thru a break up with a girl, this is the most ridiculous situation EVER. Yes I know she just turned 30 and yes I know she’s stressed about work stuff but this whole situation of being upset at me is ridiculous. If the situation was reversed I would think it’s just so great that she’s found someone and she’s happy and that’s how life works. I've got a crazy schedule, a lot of responsibility and for you to be upset with me over something like this is, in my opinion, just RIDICULOUS!
Now after the 15K that we ran she blew out her knee and I didn’t have time to train for Thunder Rd ½ marathon so it was my understanding that we were not going to do this. The 5K that corresponded with this event was $30 and I felt that too much to pay for a 5K. Meanwhile I looked at November races and the 10K in Huntersville was a good chance for me and by this time I had agreed to do the Miami ½ marathon with the current guy in January. My brother wanted to run the 10K with me so it was a great opportunity. Then the week before the 10K current guy did sign up for it. There had been a 5K the weekend before but when I had originally asked the running buddy if she wanted to do this she said she was going to a football game that day. So we go to lunch at the day before Thanksgiving. The week after Thanksgiving she had the flu. I texted all 3 days asking if there was anything I could do and letting her know I would be happy to leave anything she needed at her doorstep. She came back to work that week on Thursday and was really week from being so sick.
I asked what plans she had for her 30th b’day the following Thursday and she didn’t have any so I said I would like to take her to dinner as long as I didn’t have to work Nobles. The following Monday I let her know that I didn’t have to work and asked if we could go for a run before dinner. Now I thought about it before I asked and if it had been me I knew I would have wanted to do the run beforehand and the only reason I didn’t run on my b’day was b/c I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off on that day.
So when I sent the email her reaction was kind of weird. The next day she’d been out all day, comes over to my desk I brought up her b’day and running again, not realizing that it was a sore subject until she turned her back and walked away from me. So Wednesday I sent an apology email and said that I was sorry and whatever I had done I wanted to apologize for and if she still wanted to do dinner the next night then afternoon and evening were totally free for whatever she wanted to do.
She responded back that she was just working thru some “stuff”.
So we meet for dinner. The b’day card I hand her gets thrown in her purse. We get thru dinner and she says she owes me an apology and then proceeds to tell me that while she’s very happy for me and she’s used to getting put on the back burner when friends get into relationships that she feels completely replaced with me. She tells me that she’s very upset about the Thunder Rd 5K b/c we’d been talking about that for months and all of the sudden I back out. She is mad that I can run the 10K with current guy (actually I ran this with my brother and current guy was just able to join us b/c he didn’t go to MI for Thanksgiving). And I was able to sign up for the Miami ½ marathon but I couldn’t run that Jingle Jog (thunder rd 5K) with her. Well I only registered for the Miami ½ the Saturday before I hadn’t been able to afford the race before that. I thought the 10K a better use of my money then the 5K but I don’t say this I just sit and listen. She feels replaced, running had always been our thing. She said that her perception wasn’t the reality (and she said this a few times basically calling me a bad friend). She made it sound like I had repeatedly cancelled on her to hang out with Shawn which was not the case b/c of the fact that we continued to run once a week after I met Shawn until Thanksgiving. At this point current guy and I had only been dating 6 weeks. She said she’d always been good about working with my schedule and running and that she just resents the fact that she’s been replaced. So I let her have her say and then I just said that I was sorry she felt this way and what could I do to fix it. I’m sitting there in a weird position b/c I haven’t done anything wrong. My life is insanely busy, I had actually made a real effort to continue our once weekly runs and she’s chewing me out over things that are just not true. But she’s my friend and I want to make it better but really there’s nothing I can do. She couldn’t tell me what to do to fix it. So dinner ends and I’m a little frustrated by what’s just gone down. I mean here we are we work together. She’s always been the one to need a workout buddy. I actually prefer to work out on my own and Shawn and I rarely see each other during the week with our schedules. Before I met current guy I ran a few races without her and yes I ran one with another friend and the first 10K with a different friend but I am capable of running or working out without the need for anyone else. Yesterday I ran 9 miles, ON MY OWN. So while I understood she needed a buddy I had asked her to run still even though it wasn’t always convenient for me.
OK so she and I had signed up for the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston in March around the same time that current guy and I started dating. She told me at dinner that night that if he was coming to tell her now and she would make other plans. He’d not registered and I had just left the subject alone b/c I figured it was something she and I would have fun doing.
Ok so we have this conversation followed by a really awkward week, I would smile and say hello and she barely acknowledged it.
Last week I get an email telling me that we haven’t touched base since her b’day and that she had a good trip to VA and that she’d talked to her friend about the Charleston run and she wants to come and she looked at the hotel and there were rooms available so why didn’t shawn go ahead and book a room and then we could all do this together. I didn’t ask why her friend and her soon to be husband didn’t just get a room I said it sounded like a good idea to me. Her response great see you there. Here’s the deal, she didn’t want to ride with me down there nor did she want to room with me. The thing about this email is the fact that she sent it from her work email to my yahoo email and the response the next day was sent back to my yahoo email when I was sitting about a foot away from her. I would have actually just eaten the registration fee and not gone but since current guy is going I figure he and I will have a fun trip to Charleston and I don’t think he’s been before. We’ll see what happens I may still eat that registration fee. Now I’m still trying to be nice and Christmas Eve I smile and say Merry Christmas and she just gives me this injured, you’re such a horrible person look. I really want to be rude or lash back but we work together so at this point I just have to suck it up and continue to act like nothing is going on.
So then yesterday I’m on FB and find that she’s deleted me as a friend. I swear I feel like I’m going thru a break up with a girl, this is the most ridiculous situation EVER. Yes I know she just turned 30 and yes I know she’s stressed about work stuff but this whole situation of being upset at me is ridiculous. If the situation was reversed I would think it’s just so great that she’s found someone and she’s happy and that’s how life works. I've got a crazy schedule, a lot of responsibility and for you to be upset with me over something like this is, in my opinion, just RIDICULOUS!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Every Once in a While
You know for the most part I've moved on from the significant relationship of 3 years ago. He's married and happy and I wish him all the best and it's not him that I even miss or have any desire to ever see again.
Yet there was a little blonde haired blue eyed girl. She was 3 when we met and she stole my heart. The thing is she nor I was perfect. I was in an odd place, not her mom, not her stepmom, just her Dad's girlfriend. But she was a part of my life and my heart in a big way!
I'm currently sitting in my cube at work and one of my coworkers just came by with his precious little girl. She's 2 with blonde curls and blue eyes and she just carried on a conversation with me. It took me back for just a minute.
I can now walk thru a target without immediately tearing up at the sight of little girl clothes. I can go to the mall and walk by The Children's place and go in and look for my nephew without too much hurt when I see the little girl clothes.
She's a tomboy now this little girly girl who stole my heart. She loved baby dolls and playing kitchen and pretty dresses. That part of her has been squelched by parents and step parents who don't approve and therefore don't allow her to have any of it. I too would have been squelched had I stayed with her father. I think it would have been daily misery had I continued my life with him.
It takes being 3 years out from the start and 2 years out from the end to look back and have complete peace.
While I still see little girls who remind me of what was, that is no longer. Eventually I hope to be fortunate enough to have my own little girl. One who if she loves pretty dresses and baby dolls then I'll be ecstatic. However if she loves to run outside and play and be rough and tumble I will be ecstatic about that too. Children are such a gift and a blessing. I also understand it's no easy task. I have trouble being consistent with my dog so I can't imagine how much more of a challenge it will be if I ever do have children.
God's plan for our life is completely different then our own. I'm still learning to accept and move forward instead of planting my feet and trying to force my own way.
Yet there was a little blonde haired blue eyed girl. She was 3 when we met and she stole my heart. The thing is she nor I was perfect. I was in an odd place, not her mom, not her stepmom, just her Dad's girlfriend. But she was a part of my life and my heart in a big way!
I'm currently sitting in my cube at work and one of my coworkers just came by with his precious little girl. She's 2 with blonde curls and blue eyes and she just carried on a conversation with me. It took me back for just a minute.
I can now walk thru a target without immediately tearing up at the sight of little girl clothes. I can go to the mall and walk by The Children's place and go in and look for my nephew without too much hurt when I see the little girl clothes.
She's a tomboy now this little girly girl who stole my heart. She loved baby dolls and playing kitchen and pretty dresses. That part of her has been squelched by parents and step parents who don't approve and therefore don't allow her to have any of it. I too would have been squelched had I stayed with her father. I think it would have been daily misery had I continued my life with him.
It takes being 3 years out from the start and 2 years out from the end to look back and have complete peace.
While I still see little girls who remind me of what was, that is no longer. Eventually I hope to be fortunate enough to have my own little girl. One who if she loves pretty dresses and baby dolls then I'll be ecstatic. However if she loves to run outside and play and be rough and tumble I will be ecstatic about that too. Children are such a gift and a blessing. I also understand it's no easy task. I have trouble being consistent with my dog so I can't imagine how much more of a challenge it will be if I ever do have children.
God's plan for our life is completely different then our own. I'm still learning to accept and move forward instead of planting my feet and trying to force my own way.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I've Noticed
I've noticed that when things are going really well I tend not to write as often. I'm also busy which does have something to do with how frequently I post but when something happens that really frustrates me I take to the blog to vent and get the thoughts out of my own head.
I wanted to take just a minute to talk about the truly truly awesome guy in my life and I'm not referring to the worlds best puppy dog Jack Banner.
I've explained about the current guy and how we met each other. As the weeks go by he impresses me more and more. Now I don't think that money is everything and I'm willing to work hard in order to be able to provide for myself. But that does not mean that I don't appreciate a guy who does nice things for me. I love the fact that my boyfriend opens the door for me consistently and every time. I love the fact that he runs with me and we are training for a 1/2 marathon together. He purchased me new running shoes so that I would not injure myself while we are training. He makes an effort to come and see me when he can. I like that fact that he helps out others, I really appreciate this attribute. I think he's just generally an amazing man! I remember thinking back around my birthday how I wished I had someone who wanted to do all the nice things for me that I have done for others in the past. I have been very generous and while some have been generous to me those relationships had flaws that could not be overlooked and I ended them.
With my boyfriend now I'm cautious, I have not told him that I'm crazy or bad at relationships. I'm crazy as all women have a few screws loose but I'm not psychotically crazy so therefor I feel that I do not need to share with him that occasionally I can be irrational and bitchy, that's most women so I'm going to leave that alone. Besides I try to keep that in check so why admit to something I'm constantly trying to be aware of and not let get the best of me. I've also had a habit of saying I'm bad at relationships but I refuse to say that anymore. I'm not, I've just been dating the wrong guys. I have to work on my own communication skills but for the most part the reasons my relationships have not worked out have been very valid!
I'm sure that as the weeks go by and he and I learn more about one another there will be likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements. He's very laid back and I appreciate this about him!
I wanted to take just a minute to talk about the truly truly awesome guy in my life and I'm not referring to the worlds best puppy dog Jack Banner.
I've explained about the current guy and how we met each other. As the weeks go by he impresses me more and more. Now I don't think that money is everything and I'm willing to work hard in order to be able to provide for myself. But that does not mean that I don't appreciate a guy who does nice things for me. I love the fact that my boyfriend opens the door for me consistently and every time. I love the fact that he runs with me and we are training for a 1/2 marathon together. He purchased me new running shoes so that I would not injure myself while we are training. He makes an effort to come and see me when he can. I like that fact that he helps out others, I really appreciate this attribute. I think he's just generally an amazing man! I remember thinking back around my birthday how I wished I had someone who wanted to do all the nice things for me that I have done for others in the past. I have been very generous and while some have been generous to me those relationships had flaws that could not be overlooked and I ended them.
With my boyfriend now I'm cautious, I have not told him that I'm crazy or bad at relationships. I'm crazy as all women have a few screws loose but I'm not psychotically crazy so therefor I feel that I do not need to share with him that occasionally I can be irrational and bitchy, that's most women so I'm going to leave that alone. Besides I try to keep that in check so why admit to something I'm constantly trying to be aware of and not let get the best of me. I've also had a habit of saying I'm bad at relationships but I refuse to say that anymore. I'm not, I've just been dating the wrong guys. I have to work on my own communication skills but for the most part the reasons my relationships have not worked out have been very valid!
I'm sure that as the weeks go by and he and I learn more about one another there will be likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements. He's very laid back and I appreciate this about him!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Focusing on the Positive
My dear friend has explained to me that since I've met a guy who is a definite keeper I need to reign in all thoughts related to past relationships and not focus on these. She has explained to me that this is counterproductive and not helpful when really I need to just focus on my life and moving forward and enjoying the time I have with the wonderful guy who I am with.
So despite the fact that today I'm feeling quite a bit of dislike, hatred and rage I'm working on letting this go. The reality is over the past few years I've actually been in much worse places mentally. I was on a facebook friends blog which connected me to another blog of a friend I went to Jr. High and High School with. For reasons unbeknownst to me she and I have not spoken since High School graduation night. She accepted my FB friend request only to unfriend and block me which I still to this day do not understand. However after reading her blog I really admire her. I don't know what I did or did not do and I do not understand why our friendship ended. While reading her blog I was reminded why we had ever been friends in the first place. She's very very smart, and I love her writing style. She tragically lost her daughter and I don't know the whole story and then exactly one year later God blessed her and her husband with a little boy and then this past September God blessed them with another little girl. In this day and age when medicine is so far advanced you would think that all children would be born with no problems whatsoever and this is just not the case. I have several friends who have all experienced different circumstances that make me understand how precious life and health are. This long ago friend delivered a little girl she would never see grow up. But her testimony to God's faithfulness is amazing and inspiring.
I suppose that when I focus on the many blessings that I have been given I have to stop and let go of the underlying hurt that is causing the feelings of rage and hatred towards Rick. I should never ever ever ever ever ever given him another chance. The most important lesson I learned is that fundamentally people don't change and once a romantic relationship is over cut them out of your life and cut them out entirely they no longer need to be any part of your life. The caveat to this is when you are friends with members of their family I still think this is ok so long as your friendship has nothing to do with them and their name comes up as infrequently as possible!
So despite the fact that today I'm feeling quite a bit of dislike, hatred and rage I'm working on letting this go. The reality is over the past few years I've actually been in much worse places mentally. I was on a facebook friends blog which connected me to another blog of a friend I went to Jr. High and High School with. For reasons unbeknownst to me she and I have not spoken since High School graduation night. She accepted my FB friend request only to unfriend and block me which I still to this day do not understand. However after reading her blog I really admire her. I don't know what I did or did not do and I do not understand why our friendship ended. While reading her blog I was reminded why we had ever been friends in the first place. She's very very smart, and I love her writing style. She tragically lost her daughter and I don't know the whole story and then exactly one year later God blessed her and her husband with a little boy and then this past September God blessed them with another little girl. In this day and age when medicine is so far advanced you would think that all children would be born with no problems whatsoever and this is just not the case. I have several friends who have all experienced different circumstances that make me understand how precious life and health are. This long ago friend delivered a little girl she would never see grow up. But her testimony to God's faithfulness is amazing and inspiring.
I suppose that when I focus on the many blessings that I have been given I have to stop and let go of the underlying hurt that is causing the feelings of rage and hatred towards Rick. I should never ever ever ever ever ever given him another chance. The most important lesson I learned is that fundamentally people don't change and once a romantic relationship is over cut them out of your life and cut them out entirely they no longer need to be any part of your life. The caveat to this is when you are friends with members of their family I still think this is ok so long as your friendship has nothing to do with them and their name comes up as infrequently as possible!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
November 24, 2009
It's been a while there has been a lot going on. I am thankful for the way things work out, primarily that I have a new job. I also have a new guy who seems to be a keeper.
I made the mistake of looking up the guy I dated for a brief few weeks this summer. The one who told me that this time around would be different and blah blah blah. So his profile pic is of him and his girlfriend who he dated before me who he told me the million reasons why he broke up with her. Some days I really do hate FB. My friend PYS hates it for different reasons then I do but for me sometimes it's just not fun to see information like that. I'm the one who goes looking so yes it's my fault.
Seeing that picture just ticked me off. However if I evaluate as I'm about to do I will remember why I'm on the better end of the situation...
Here goes:
My life is relatively uncomplicated by baby mama drama and now that I have a fabulous new job the money situation is turning around for me. Granted the roommate and second job help tremendously too!!!!
The guy had issues with the fact that I was "too thin" which was total BS. His pic shows that the new girlfriends has gained a little weight since I met her. This seems to be his thing so fantastic for him. As for me I would rather be happy with me then trying to constantly justify that I wasn't "too thin" that in itself just irritates me. I mean REALLY let me point out the fact that I work very hard and I fight the weight battle every single day and I REFUSE to gain or lose weight for anyone other than ME. Now do I want to lose weight, you better believe it but I'm training for a 1/2 marathon so I'm hoping that it will help because unfortunately I managed to gain 10lbs in the span of 3 weeks. I ran a 15K and thought I could "treat" myself and "treated" myself right back up the scale, aaarrgghhh!!!
Ok so now back to the positives... This new guy well he's the nicest most considerate thoughtful, sweet, caring, amazing man I've ever dated. I can say this now because it's been a few weeks. I am taking things slow b/c as my recent dating history of this year has shown the ones who are all flash in the begining fizzle just as quickly and permanently. So with this sweetheart I'm taking it slow.
I'll give some details of just how fabulous this man is.
He is originally from Michigan, he graduated undergrad and continued on to CHAPEL HILL DENTAL SCHOOL, one of the top programs in the country!!! He is tall, 6'3 and the way I met him... well this is a wonderful amazing story
I ran my first 10K on September 26, I was still REELING from the SC jerk so I decided to do Match to get on with my life. I met several guys and was talking to them and I didn't really thing too much about this guy who came up behind me and gave me this grin like "I'm going to pass you, haha.." so I kept ahead of him til the very end when he actually beat me in b/c I was about TO DIE from exhaustion!! So unbeknownst to me I made an impression. He went home and tried to figure out who I was but didn't have my first or last name so he had no luck.
I had 2 dates the following day and there was another guy from the past who was still in the present but eventually I wrote all of them off for one reason or other. During this same time I had something else going on. On September 8th my running buddy and dear friend emailed me that there was an opening at her company that I would be perfect for. Realizing that my relationship was over I emailed her my resume. I then went online and applied for the posting. A week later I had a telephone interview, the following Wednesday (September 23) I had an interview at the Charlotte Office. I walked out of the meeting and said to the Lord that no matter what happened I would praise and serve him but if this was the door that He was opening I would be most thankful!!
A week later on Tuesday September 29 I was called with an offer. I was told to sleep on it and I accepted the following day, I put in my notice on October 1. October 15 was my last day at that job. A nightmare that seemed to never end had finally drawn to it's conclusion. It was a time for new beginings and GREAT things!!
I ran a 15K that Saturday October 17. Around mile 7 this guy comes up and goes "hey I recognize you from the 10K".. thinking he was pretty cute and impressed that he remembered me I smiled and asked how he was then we started running, again I'm DYING and just trying to finish this by running the whole thing!! So I let him go on and I kept putting one foot in front of the other. At the end of the run he is waiting with a cup of water and as he's saying "I'm Shawn" I'm saying "I'm Lori". We chatted for a mintue, I said good run and then I had to go. But he was really intriguing to me and I decided to look him up. I had kind of been talking to one guy but he just wasn't that in to me and I was certainly free to see others. So I looked this guy up thru the race results, figured out his last name, found him on facebook and sent a message saying how nice it was to meet him, if he didn't respond and we happened to see each other again it would be like no message was ever sent and then I waited. I figured out from his FB that he was a dentist and that he liked Jack Johnson and Green Day. He would respond to my message later on that day and the conversations would begin via email. That following Thursday he called me and we talked for almost 2 hours. He worked numerous jobs thru college and had worked in restaurants which I always appreciate with my restaurant background. We agreed to go on a date that Sunday and decided to go to the White Water Park. We were going to try Kayaking but it was much too cold. That was October 25. We had our following date the next Friday, then went out Saturday night, then hung out Sunday and our dogs met each other. He has a Rottweiler St Bernard Mix, Snickers is a sweetheart and she LOVES to chase Jack. Sophie is a standard poodle puppy and she's all legs and she and Jack play and play and play and play and play some more and provide endless hours of entertainment for one another.
The next Sunday we went to my first Hockey game, the following Saturday we went to Atlanta for a concert. He finds reasons to stop and see me on Mondays when he's in town on errands. He's very very smart, very handsome, very wonderful. I met him at the end of a 15K race when I can not possibly have looked worse and he though I was pretty. I would come to find out later he had looked me up on Facebook after figuring out my name but did not send me a message his words "that would have made me crazy stalker guy" I said "honey I sent you a message" to which he responded "yes but you are pretty". He and I are training for the Miami 1/2 marathon. He's buying my plane ticket down. It's the coolest thing ever to be able to turn dates into training sessions. Saturday morning we went for an 8 mile run, it was long and cold and difficult but we did it together.
So really when I refocus on my life and all that's going right how can I even really be irritated or upset. I'm the luckiest girl in the world and my life is fabulous!!!
I made the mistake of looking up the guy I dated for a brief few weeks this summer. The one who told me that this time around would be different and blah blah blah. So his profile pic is of him and his girlfriend who he dated before me who he told me the million reasons why he broke up with her. Some days I really do hate FB. My friend PYS hates it for different reasons then I do but for me sometimes it's just not fun to see information like that. I'm the one who goes looking so yes it's my fault.
Seeing that picture just ticked me off. However if I evaluate as I'm about to do I will remember why I'm on the better end of the situation...
Here goes:
My life is relatively uncomplicated by baby mama drama and now that I have a fabulous new job the money situation is turning around for me. Granted the roommate and second job help tremendously too!!!!
The guy had issues with the fact that I was "too thin" which was total BS. His pic shows that the new girlfriends has gained a little weight since I met her. This seems to be his thing so fantastic for him. As for me I would rather be happy with me then trying to constantly justify that I wasn't "too thin" that in itself just irritates me. I mean REALLY let me point out the fact that I work very hard and I fight the weight battle every single day and I REFUSE to gain or lose weight for anyone other than ME. Now do I want to lose weight, you better believe it but I'm training for a 1/2 marathon so I'm hoping that it will help because unfortunately I managed to gain 10lbs in the span of 3 weeks. I ran a 15K and thought I could "treat" myself and "treated" myself right back up the scale, aaarrgghhh!!!
Ok so now back to the positives... This new guy well he's the nicest most considerate thoughtful, sweet, caring, amazing man I've ever dated. I can say this now because it's been a few weeks. I am taking things slow b/c as my recent dating history of this year has shown the ones who are all flash in the begining fizzle just as quickly and permanently. So with this sweetheart I'm taking it slow.
I'll give some details of just how fabulous this man is.
He is originally from Michigan, he graduated undergrad and continued on to CHAPEL HILL DENTAL SCHOOL, one of the top programs in the country!!! He is tall, 6'3 and the way I met him... well this is a wonderful amazing story
I ran my first 10K on September 26, I was still REELING from the SC jerk so I decided to do Match to get on with my life. I met several guys and was talking to them and I didn't really thing too much about this guy who came up behind me and gave me this grin like "I'm going to pass you, haha.." so I kept ahead of him til the very end when he actually beat me in b/c I was about TO DIE from exhaustion!! So unbeknownst to me I made an impression. He went home and tried to figure out who I was but didn't have my first or last name so he had no luck.
I had 2 dates the following day and there was another guy from the past who was still in the present but eventually I wrote all of them off for one reason or other. During this same time I had something else going on. On September 8th my running buddy and dear friend emailed me that there was an opening at her company that I would be perfect for. Realizing that my relationship was over I emailed her my resume. I then went online and applied for the posting. A week later I had a telephone interview, the following Wednesday (September 23) I had an interview at the Charlotte Office. I walked out of the meeting and said to the Lord that no matter what happened I would praise and serve him but if this was the door that He was opening I would be most thankful!!
A week later on Tuesday September 29 I was called with an offer. I was told to sleep on it and I accepted the following day, I put in my notice on October 1. October 15 was my last day at that job. A nightmare that seemed to never end had finally drawn to it's conclusion. It was a time for new beginings and GREAT things!!
I ran a 15K that Saturday October 17. Around mile 7 this guy comes up and goes "hey I recognize you from the 10K".. thinking he was pretty cute and impressed that he remembered me I smiled and asked how he was then we started running, again I'm DYING and just trying to finish this by running the whole thing!! So I let him go on and I kept putting one foot in front of the other. At the end of the run he is waiting with a cup of water and as he's saying "I'm Shawn" I'm saying "I'm Lori". We chatted for a mintue, I said good run and then I had to go. But he was really intriguing to me and I decided to look him up. I had kind of been talking to one guy but he just wasn't that in to me and I was certainly free to see others. So I looked this guy up thru the race results, figured out his last name, found him on facebook and sent a message saying how nice it was to meet him, if he didn't respond and we happened to see each other again it would be like no message was ever sent and then I waited. I figured out from his FB that he was a dentist and that he liked Jack Johnson and Green Day. He would respond to my message later on that day and the conversations would begin via email. That following Thursday he called me and we talked for almost 2 hours. He worked numerous jobs thru college and had worked in restaurants which I always appreciate with my restaurant background. We agreed to go on a date that Sunday and decided to go to the White Water Park. We were going to try Kayaking but it was much too cold. That was October 25. We had our following date the next Friday, then went out Saturday night, then hung out Sunday and our dogs met each other. He has a Rottweiler St Bernard Mix, Snickers is a sweetheart and she LOVES to chase Jack. Sophie is a standard poodle puppy and she's all legs and she and Jack play and play and play and play and play some more and provide endless hours of entertainment for one another.
The next Sunday we went to my first Hockey game, the following Saturday we went to Atlanta for a concert. He finds reasons to stop and see me on Mondays when he's in town on errands. He's very very smart, very handsome, very wonderful. I met him at the end of a 15K race when I can not possibly have looked worse and he though I was pretty. I would come to find out later he had looked me up on Facebook after figuring out my name but did not send me a message his words "that would have made me crazy stalker guy" I said "honey I sent you a message" to which he responded "yes but you are pretty". He and I are training for the Miami 1/2 marathon. He's buying my plane ticket down. It's the coolest thing ever to be able to turn dates into training sessions. Saturday morning we went for an 8 mile run, it was long and cold and difficult but we did it together.
So really when I refocus on my life and all that's going right how can I even really be irritated or upset. I'm the luckiest girl in the world and my life is fabulous!!!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thoughts
I got an email yesterday from Linked In (social networking site) that RS was trying to request me as a friend. I clicked the I do not know this person option. Really I don't. I've been thinking about him the past couple of days actually. It hurts what happened and it hits me at odd moments that I'm still hurt by the whole situation.
Then there is the guy who has been around since the end of February. We went out a few times and then I started dating the guy from high school. Then after the guy from high school he and I hung out. Then I started dating RS. Then after that ended he and I hung out. But he's only interested in 1 thing and I've come to realize this. Few weeks back he asked me a question and it just showed me how little he knows me. Today I got another question, this one about if I had a picture of his neices on my wall. I love children but I have never met his nieces and that would be weird and creepy to have a picture like that on my wall. The picture he saw is actually of my girls Mia and Sarah. I told him that the picture is of my girls. Then I expressed that he must have a very poor opinion of me to think something like that. His response was LOL nothing like that but it was just another example that it's time for me to write yet another one out of my life.
Then there is the guy from NY and I'm starting to realize he's just not that into me. This is a more complicated situation to read b/c his dog Zeus is very sick, Zeus is a 12 year old Rottweiler and he is just the sweetest dog, I love this dog. Unfortunately at 12 he's now to the point where this guy is having to struggle with the fact that he's most likely going to have to put him to sleep for good. So with all that plus work stuff I know that this guy has a lot on his mind. However, I also feel like after a conversation that he and I had about bad timing that he's probably just trying to let me down easy. Why else would he have been on Match unless he's actively looking to meet someone.
So all these thoughts are going through my head. The best part of this week is my last day at the current company is Thursday and I start a brand new opportunity on Monday!!
Then there is the guy who has been around since the end of February. We went out a few times and then I started dating the guy from high school. Then after the guy from high school he and I hung out. Then I started dating RS. Then after that ended he and I hung out. But he's only interested in 1 thing and I've come to realize this. Few weeks back he asked me a question and it just showed me how little he knows me. Today I got another question, this one about if I had a picture of his neices on my wall. I love children but I have never met his nieces and that would be weird and creepy to have a picture like that on my wall. The picture he saw is actually of my girls Mia and Sarah. I told him that the picture is of my girls. Then I expressed that he must have a very poor opinion of me to think something like that. His response was LOL nothing like that but it was just another example that it's time for me to write yet another one out of my life.
Then there is the guy from NY and I'm starting to realize he's just not that into me. This is a more complicated situation to read b/c his dog Zeus is very sick, Zeus is a 12 year old Rottweiler and he is just the sweetest dog, I love this dog. Unfortunately at 12 he's now to the point where this guy is having to struggle with the fact that he's most likely going to have to put him to sleep for good. So with all that plus work stuff I know that this guy has a lot on his mind. However, I also feel like after a conversation that he and I had about bad timing that he's probably just trying to let me down easy. Why else would he have been on Match unless he's actively looking to meet someone.
So all these thoughts are going through my head. The best part of this week is my last day at the current company is Thursday and I start a brand new opportunity on Monday!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Jack Banner Moments
My puppy is the cutest thing. I just love him so much and I often look at him or think about him and appreciate just how much I love him. He's the best Valentines day present ever and I gave him to myself.
Yesterday he was running with the tennis ball in his mouth trying to bark at the same time. It made me laugh.
In the morning he sees himself in the mirror at the end of my hall and he barks, not realizing he barks at himself.
He likes to have a toy in his mouth that he brings to me wherever I'm at so that he can approach and then turn and run away wanting me to chase him.
He can jump which is bad b/c he tends to go for my bath & body work lip glosses that I love so much and he likes to chew them up. I try to keep them in my purse out of his reach but he can jump table height and if I'm not careful he gets them.
I love when he's really excited b/c his whole little rump moves with his tail and he wiggles all over andit's just too precious!
I spoil him and he's probably obnoxious but I just love him so much!!
Yesterday he was running with the tennis ball in his mouth trying to bark at the same time. It made me laugh.
In the morning he sees himself in the mirror at the end of my hall and he barks, not realizing he barks at himself.
He likes to have a toy in his mouth that he brings to me wherever I'm at so that he can approach and then turn and run away wanting me to chase him.
He can jump which is bad b/c he tends to go for my bath & body work lip glosses that I love so much and he likes to chew them up. I try to keep them in my purse out of his reach but he can jump table height and if I'm not careful he gets them.
I love when he's really excited b/c his whole little rump moves with his tail and he wiggles all over andit's just too precious!
I spoil him and he's probably obnoxious but I just love him so much!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Dating
Maybe I'm lazy, but the whole "having to meet new people" aspect is exhausting to me. I signed back up for a dating site b/c I was bored and I needed to not focus on what happened with the guy I was seeing. I also need to not think about the other guy who I met several months ago who is still a friend of mine but he doesn't want to date me so therefor I need to write him off as well. I think it's a bad idea to stay friends b/c of the fact that I'm probably going to get hurt by the friendship one way or another.
I've decided that once we've broken up there is absolutely no reason to "stay friends". I have completely deleted from my life the past couple guys that I've dated. Minus the one who I broke up with to date the next one who is still in the picture but does't want to date me. This is a perfect example of why I should just write him off but he keeps popping back into my life and I really like him so eventually he'll make me mad enough and I'll write him off too.
So Sunday I had 2 dates. The first to festival in the park met the guy's sister and her boyfriend had a really good time. He's 35 runs marathons, does cycling. Is very smart, I like him. Catch is I feel gigantic and akward because he's so in shape and I'm so not. I sent him an email after I got home and asked him if I'm really the type he goes for because if not then I want to introduce him to my friend who I run with. I was really nice about it but I just can't help but feel that he probably goes for the smaller more petite ladies and I'm big boned and just all over big. in my head right now the image I see is just enormous and I try to remember this isn't actually reality but seriously it's stuck and has been since Sunday. I was concerned about this before I met him anyways. He texted me yesterday and said before we decide that we're going to be "just friends" we need to hang out a few more times. I told him that worked for me. And if it doesn't work out I will definitely introduce him to my friend!
Date number 2 was a spur of the moment decision. I was home, I was hungry and I was not really in the mood to be in for the night alone with my thoughts. So I texted the other guy asking if he was still free (he'd texted me while I was at church asking me if we were still on for that night and I had texted back saying we had agreed on Wednesday but then I had Sunday night open so I figured if he was still free why not meet up) so we met for beers and chips and queso. He's nice but another one I'm just not overly enthusiastic about. I feel like he's too much of a yankee, he's from Buffalo NY. He was interesting to talk to but there didn't seem to be a real spark.
When I met the guy previously mentioned I met him the same way. Our first date we went to that same restaurant as date number 2 and I. He and I sat there and talked and talked and talked. Our lunch lasted til almost 4pm. Then he texted me on my way home asking when he could see me again. There was just something fun and enigmatic about him and this is the reason why I've yet to completely write him off. He's just one who seems to have gotten underneath my skin but he's not interested in dating me therefore he must go!
OK now there are 3 others who seem to still be in the picture. Yes if you're exhausted reading I'm as exhausted writing. #1 is a youth pastor down towards Monroe and he has 2 sisters and I'm just not sure that it could work b/c of the distance and the fact that he's baptist and I am just not sure... I've been a wild child and I just can't see him quite accepting all the things from my past.
#2 He's a consultant who used to be a teacher. He loves history and I'm interested in him and I need to set up an actual meeting. He's got a beard which I'm so not a fan of but I need to meet him in person and see what happens.
#3 Well he just looks like trouble but he's emailed me and I seem to have a spot for trouble so I've given him a reply back.
There are those who I've already eliminated without ever meeting them. I need to pull my profile but if I do that there are too many that I would have to give my email to and I'm just not willing to do that.
It hit me on my way home Sunday from date #2 that I'm hurt. The one I thought was my friend. The one who promised me that it was different and he would not hurt me intentionally really steam rolled me. It would have been one thing if it was just that he couldn't see a future with me but he went back to his girlfriend before me before ending it with me. He had told me all these reasons why it didn't work between them but then goes back to her. It's exactly what he did 7 years ago. The lesson I learned is that I will no longer give second chances. If you have hurt me once you will hurt me the same way again and again and again. For my friends I will forgive, and forgive and forgive as necessary. However when it comes to those that I date the rules are different.
I've decided that once we've broken up there is absolutely no reason to "stay friends". I have completely deleted from my life the past couple guys that I've dated. Minus the one who I broke up with to date the next one who is still in the picture but does't want to date me. This is a perfect example of why I should just write him off but he keeps popping back into my life and I really like him so eventually he'll make me mad enough and I'll write him off too.
So Sunday I had 2 dates. The first to festival in the park met the guy's sister and her boyfriend had a really good time. He's 35 runs marathons, does cycling. Is very smart, I like him. Catch is I feel gigantic and akward because he's so in shape and I'm so not. I sent him an email after I got home and asked him if I'm really the type he goes for because if not then I want to introduce him to my friend who I run with. I was really nice about it but I just can't help but feel that he probably goes for the smaller more petite ladies and I'm big boned and just all over big. in my head right now the image I see is just enormous and I try to remember this isn't actually reality but seriously it's stuck and has been since Sunday. I was concerned about this before I met him anyways. He texted me yesterday and said before we decide that we're going to be "just friends" we need to hang out a few more times. I told him that worked for me. And if it doesn't work out I will definitely introduce him to my friend!
Date number 2 was a spur of the moment decision. I was home, I was hungry and I was not really in the mood to be in for the night alone with my thoughts. So I texted the other guy asking if he was still free (he'd texted me while I was at church asking me if we were still on for that night and I had texted back saying we had agreed on Wednesday but then I had Sunday night open so I figured if he was still free why not meet up) so we met for beers and chips and queso. He's nice but another one I'm just not overly enthusiastic about. I feel like he's too much of a yankee, he's from Buffalo NY. He was interesting to talk to but there didn't seem to be a real spark.
When I met the guy previously mentioned I met him the same way. Our first date we went to that same restaurant as date number 2 and I. He and I sat there and talked and talked and talked. Our lunch lasted til almost 4pm. Then he texted me on my way home asking when he could see me again. There was just something fun and enigmatic about him and this is the reason why I've yet to completely write him off. He's just one who seems to have gotten underneath my skin but he's not interested in dating me therefore he must go!
OK now there are 3 others who seem to still be in the picture. Yes if you're exhausted reading I'm as exhausted writing. #1 is a youth pastor down towards Monroe and he has 2 sisters and I'm just not sure that it could work b/c of the distance and the fact that he's baptist and I am just not sure... I've been a wild child and I just can't see him quite accepting all the things from my past.
#2 He's a consultant who used to be a teacher. He loves history and I'm interested in him and I need to set up an actual meeting. He's got a beard which I'm so not a fan of but I need to meet him in person and see what happens.
#3 Well he just looks like trouble but he's emailed me and I seem to have a spot for trouble so I've given him a reply back.
There are those who I've already eliminated without ever meeting them. I need to pull my profile but if I do that there are too many that I would have to give my email to and I'm just not willing to do that.
It hit me on my way home Sunday from date #2 that I'm hurt. The one I thought was my friend. The one who promised me that it was different and he would not hurt me intentionally really steam rolled me. It would have been one thing if it was just that he couldn't see a future with me but he went back to his girlfriend before me before ending it with me. He had told me all these reasons why it didn't work between them but then goes back to her. It's exactly what he did 7 years ago. The lesson I learned is that I will no longer give second chances. If you have hurt me once you will hurt me the same way again and again and again. For my friends I will forgive, and forgive and forgive as necessary. However when it comes to those that I date the rules are different.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Slow Night
I'm closing at the restaurant tonight. what I don't like when it's slow is that I have too much time to think. Thoughts run along the following patterns. R is a jerk I am still not real happy at the situation but I am SO MUCH BETTER then I was this time last week.
I want to email J to ask what is going on but after our last exchange I know it's not a good idea.
Too much time to think and not enough distraction. I'm ready to go home and go to bed!!!
I want to email J to ask what is going on but after our last exchange I know it's not a good idea.
Too much time to think and not enough distraction. I'm ready to go home and go to bed!!!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
While I've tried not to go overboard
I do need the support of my friends. The responses back have all made me think Here are a few of the words of my friends..
"Honestly . . .
You are 30 now. Your twenties are over. That means it is time to put into motion all the crap you learned in the last ten years. The #1 lesson for me, and may be for you is:
You can't try to make sense out of crazy, insane shit.
Trying to get rational or explain thoughts like the "you are still in love with who I used to be" won't help. You cannot change nor control another. You can only change and control you. This is a situation you have absolutely zero control over. The best thing you can do is to just shut this door and write it off. If you owned a business and you were wasting energy like this on a bad client, you would write the money they owe you off as bad debt. RS is just bad debt. Write him off.
I promise, you will be the sexiest woman on earth to men if you
a) don't give a crap about them
b) prove that you don't give a crap by running, working on your career, etc.
c) find a niche in the world that you can get wrapped up in -- I don't think you have this but your relationship with Jack Banner is a start. I think you need to find something you can be truly passionate about that isn't shopping and that will allow you to help other people. In my psyche class tonight, our teacher said that it has been scientifically proven that people who engage in meaningful volunteer work are happier, step outside of their own boxes, and have higher self esteem because they feel appreciated. I think you need to get into something where you will feel appreciated. I know you have little time, but find a food pantry or a Hands on Charlotte project to do once in a while. I think it will a) make you feel good about you, b) will get you out of your house but also give you a constructive, inexpensive goal . . . which will ultimately make you sexier to men and c) there is no better way to meet hot, single, decent men. (My old roommate did hands on Charlotte and is dating a firefighter with the hottest body I've ever seen in my life. They've been dating since April and are happy as larks.)"
"Honey you are not a fool- him leading you to believe that he felt more than he did is not your fault! He "thought" he felt things that he didnt think through - he just said what he felt and when he realized he had a made a HUGE mistake leading you on- he wasnt exactly as honest as he should have been
I am telling you I think God changed his heart and he really did have feelings for you- but when God has a plan and you try to deviate from it- HE WILL PROTECT YOU!!!!!! even if it means hurting your feelings in the short term-
thats what happened to me....and now I am so glad I finally gave up and let God be in control because what I have now is better than anyhting I could have ever created for myself!!!!!
youre not a fool......"
"I'm soooooo sorry that you're having to deal with this, but obviously the guy is not worthy of you & you need to remember that. Ironically enough, I've been having an interesting series of daily devotionals on relationships & purity over the last few days & I'll tell you that, based on what I'm reading, the physical aspect of your relationship with him is a big part of why you're hurting so much. It's hard when you give yourself to someone in every way that you possibly can & then they treat you like you don't matter. It's disappointing & heartbreaking all at the same time. In my opinion, that's not acceptable & you deserve so much better. The truth is, there were a lot of issues that he had & I truly believe that God removed him from your life to save you from a lot of heartache in the future. Having to deal with the x-wife, the child, financial issues, the past drug addiction & the potential for relapse...all of that will inevitably take it's toll on any relationship he has. I know in my heart that God has more in store for you than that! God has a plan for your life that is so much better than what you can imagine...there is a person out there for you that will love, cherish & honor you. God will bring him into your life when He is ready. Just be patient & keep praying for God to write your love story in His time.
As for your comments below...you're most certainly not a fool!!!! You're just a trusting person who was taken advantage of. It happens to the best of us. It definitely hurts when you find out that the person you trusted wasn't worthy of that trust or the respect you gave them.
Not that I'm a good person to be giving advice since my love life is in complete shambles right now, but try not to put so much into it. Being guarded can definitely be advantagous, especially these days...Our society has gotten so off track from what God wants of us. I know in speaking for myself, that I find it easy to stray with all of the influences of this world (everything from TV to novels to the way my coworkers & some of my friends live their lives). Just remember that God loves you so much more than you can imagine & he wants the best for you...RS was not even close to being that!!!!!!!!!!! (did I put enough EXCLAMATION POINTS behind that for you to get my point?)
It's totally his loss & you need to just keep in mind that you're better off, even though I know it really hurts right now. It might not be a bad idea for both of us to stay single for a while.
Love you girl!!!"
My life moves on it always does. I have to learn and grow. It's not easy but if life was easy then I would be a pretty shallow individual.
"Honestly . . .
You are 30 now. Your twenties are over. That means it is time to put into motion all the crap you learned in the last ten years. The #1 lesson for me, and may be for you is:
You can't try to make sense out of crazy, insane shit.
Trying to get rational or explain thoughts like the "you are still in love with who I used to be" won't help. You cannot change nor control another. You can only change and control you. This is a situation you have absolutely zero control over. The best thing you can do is to just shut this door and write it off. If you owned a business and you were wasting energy like this on a bad client, you would write the money they owe you off as bad debt. RS is just bad debt. Write him off.
I promise, you will be the sexiest woman on earth to men if you
a) don't give a crap about them
b) prove that you don't give a crap by running, working on your career, etc.
c) find a niche in the world that you can get wrapped up in -- I don't think you have this but your relationship with Jack Banner is a start. I think you need to find something you can be truly passionate about that isn't shopping and that will allow you to help other people. In my psyche class tonight, our teacher said that it has been scientifically proven that people who engage in meaningful volunteer work are happier, step outside of their own boxes, and have higher self esteem because they feel appreciated. I think you need to get into something where you will feel appreciated. I know you have little time, but find a food pantry or a Hands on Charlotte project to do once in a while. I think it will a) make you feel good about you, b) will get you out of your house but also give you a constructive, inexpensive goal . . . which will ultimately make you sexier to men and c) there is no better way to meet hot, single, decent men. (My old roommate did hands on Charlotte and is dating a firefighter with the hottest body I've ever seen in my life. They've been dating since April and are happy as larks.)"
"Honey you are not a fool- him leading you to believe that he felt more than he did is not your fault! He "thought" he felt things that he didnt think through - he just said what he felt and when he realized he had a made a HUGE mistake leading you on- he wasnt exactly as honest as he should have been
I am telling you I think God changed his heart and he really did have feelings for you- but when God has a plan and you try to deviate from it- HE WILL PROTECT YOU!!!!!! even if it means hurting your feelings in the short term-
thats what happened to me....and now I am so glad I finally gave up and let God be in control because what I have now is better than anyhting I could have ever created for myself!!!!!
youre not a fool......"
"I'm soooooo sorry that you're having to deal with this, but obviously the guy is not worthy of you & you need to remember that. Ironically enough, I've been having an interesting series of daily devotionals on relationships & purity over the last few days & I'll tell you that, based on what I'm reading, the physical aspect of your relationship with him is a big part of why you're hurting so much. It's hard when you give yourself to someone in every way that you possibly can & then they treat you like you don't matter. It's disappointing & heartbreaking all at the same time. In my opinion, that's not acceptable & you deserve so much better. The truth is, there were a lot of issues that he had & I truly believe that God removed him from your life to save you from a lot of heartache in the future. Having to deal with the x-wife, the child, financial issues, the past drug addiction & the potential for relapse...all of that will inevitably take it's toll on any relationship he has. I know in my heart that God has more in store for you than that! God has a plan for your life that is so much better than what you can imagine...there is a person out there for you that will love, cherish & honor you. God will bring him into your life when He is ready. Just be patient & keep praying for God to write your love story in His time.
As for your comments below...you're most certainly not a fool!!!! You're just a trusting person who was taken advantage of. It happens to the best of us. It definitely hurts when you find out that the person you trusted wasn't worthy of that trust or the respect you gave them.
Not that I'm a good person to be giving advice since my love life is in complete shambles right now, but try not to put so much into it. Being guarded can definitely be advantagous, especially these days...Our society has gotten so off track from what God wants of us. I know in speaking for myself, that I find it easy to stray with all of the influences of this world (everything from TV to novels to the way my coworkers & some of my friends live their lives). Just remember that God loves you so much more than you can imagine & he wants the best for you...RS was not even close to being that!!!!!!!!!!! (did I put enough EXCLAMATION POINTS behind that for you to get my point?)
It's totally his loss & you need to just keep in mind that you're better off, even though I know it really hurts right now. It might not be a bad idea for both of us to stay single for a while.
Love you girl!!!"
My life moves on it always does. I have to learn and grow. It's not easy but if life was easy then I would be a pretty shallow individual.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
it doesn't matter how much I cry
it won't change anything. my very dear friend went and picked up the few things I had at his house.
I've cried a lot tonight because this hurts so much.
I've said it before he doesn't hurt because he didn't feel the same about me as I did him.
He promised me I won't hurt you. I won't let you get away. I love you. He led me to believe lies. He treated me the same way as he always did.
I did not want to change my facebook status but it was such a big deal to him for us to be in a relationship that I did.
I'm so incredibly hurt that he was talking to another woman. Again he'll never understand this pain because he doesn't reciprocate how I feel, never has never will.
I understand that time heals all hurts. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just wish despite it all that this was some bad dream and I wake up and it's all as it was before that weekend when everything changed.
I've cried a lot tonight because this hurts so much.
I've said it before he doesn't hurt because he didn't feel the same about me as I did him.
He promised me I won't hurt you. I won't let you get away. I love you. He led me to believe lies. He treated me the same way as he always did.
I did not want to change my facebook status but it was such a big deal to him for us to be in a relationship that I did.
I'm so incredibly hurt that he was talking to another woman. Again he'll never understand this pain because he doesn't reciprocate how I feel, never has never will.
I understand that time heals all hurts. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just wish despite it all that this was some bad dream and I wake up and it's all as it was before that weekend when everything changed.
The email I won't be sending to him
I told you that there were a lot of things I wanted to say. I've come to realize that just because you no longer use drugs and alcohol you still have treated me the exact same way as before.
You shut down on me and completely quit talking to me. You made me believe that you wanted to marry me and you talked to me about the names of future children. You were all about me moving and us sharing our life together. Then in the space of 24 hours I have no idea what happened because you would not talk to me. You simply cut me out of your life. You told me I was still in love with the you from a few years ago and not who you are now. This is not true. I loved the man who you are today but you will not accept this nor hear me when I say it. You determined that I am not in love with you and therefor I am not. You told me that our perspectives are too different. I had sent a few emails explaining how I felt and how I was looking forward to the future but you shut me out. You started talking to another woman and you quit talking to me entirely. What I thought were sincere promises are all lies and I don't understand why you feel the way you do about me loving the you from the past. Apparently there isn't much difference in the you from the past and the you now.
In looking at my past relationships I see this very same trend and now I understand where I learned it. Instead of talking to me you turned to someone else and now she is back in your life.
I believed that despite our different perspectives and beliefs we could make it work because you convinced me of it. You seemed so sincere about our future and our life. You talked to me about future and family. You have done to me exactly what you have always done and I made the mistake of believing that it would be a different ending to the same chapter. The definition of insanity, and you told me this yourself, is repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different result. It took you 2 years of being my friend to get me to trust you again and then you flipped the switch on me and now we will no longer be friends.
Obviously you don't value the friendship that we had. I'm done. I have forgiven what has happened but you will not be back in my life again. I have only myself to blame for being in the place where I am now. I was a fool and I let my heart lead my head. I naively believed that love would conquer all and that you really did love me as you were telling me you did. You shut me out, you quit talking to me, you did not ever give me any chance to understand why or how it is simply finished. I knew you well enough to know it was over on Labor day monday when I returned home but it would take you a full week to finally be honest enough with me to end it. I made you end it because you will not be able to talk to me again and you needed to be the one who did this. If I ended it then I would not have the closure that I needed because of my mistake in reopening this sick and twisted story of ours.
I loved you, as my friend, as the man who was telling me what our future held, as the man who in some ways has made great strides in his life, as the future father of my children. I loved you deeply and would willingly have walked over hot coals for you had you asked me to because I loved you. It has nothing to do with who you were and everything to do with who I saw and now I understand what I saw wasn't real and this just leaves me in a place where I am confused and hurt and lost and hoping that at some point I will find a man who loves me for me and when he tells me he loves me and when he tells me he wants to marry me and have children with me that he is sincere and not telling me a lie.
You shut down on me and completely quit talking to me. You made me believe that you wanted to marry me and you talked to me about the names of future children. You were all about me moving and us sharing our life together. Then in the space of 24 hours I have no idea what happened because you would not talk to me. You simply cut me out of your life. You told me I was still in love with the you from a few years ago and not who you are now. This is not true. I loved the man who you are today but you will not accept this nor hear me when I say it. You determined that I am not in love with you and therefor I am not. You told me that our perspectives are too different. I had sent a few emails explaining how I felt and how I was looking forward to the future but you shut me out. You started talking to another woman and you quit talking to me entirely. What I thought were sincere promises are all lies and I don't understand why you feel the way you do about me loving the you from the past. Apparently there isn't much difference in the you from the past and the you now.
In looking at my past relationships I see this very same trend and now I understand where I learned it. Instead of talking to me you turned to someone else and now she is back in your life.
I believed that despite our different perspectives and beliefs we could make it work because you convinced me of it. You seemed so sincere about our future and our life. You talked to me about future and family. You have done to me exactly what you have always done and I made the mistake of believing that it would be a different ending to the same chapter. The definition of insanity, and you told me this yourself, is repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different result. It took you 2 years of being my friend to get me to trust you again and then you flipped the switch on me and now we will no longer be friends.
Obviously you don't value the friendship that we had. I'm done. I have forgiven what has happened but you will not be back in my life again. I have only myself to blame for being in the place where I am now. I was a fool and I let my heart lead my head. I naively believed that love would conquer all and that you really did love me as you were telling me you did. You shut me out, you quit talking to me, you did not ever give me any chance to understand why or how it is simply finished. I knew you well enough to know it was over on Labor day monday when I returned home but it would take you a full week to finally be honest enough with me to end it. I made you end it because you will not be able to talk to me again and you needed to be the one who did this. If I ended it then I would not have the closure that I needed because of my mistake in reopening this sick and twisted story of ours.
I loved you, as my friend, as the man who was telling me what our future held, as the man who in some ways has made great strides in his life, as the future father of my children. I loved you deeply and would willingly have walked over hot coals for you had you asked me to because I loved you. It has nothing to do with who you were and everything to do with who I saw and now I understand what I saw wasn't real and this just leaves me in a place where I am confused and hurt and lost and hoping that at some point I will find a man who loves me for me and when he tells me he loves me and when he tells me he wants to marry me and have children with me that he is sincere and not telling me a lie.
yes another one
I don't want to drive my friends crazy with my excessive emotions on this subject. I'm sitting thinking that I can't believe I'm here again. I allowed myself to fall all over again and probably even harder and this hurts. The overwhelming hurt is what I'm trying to keep my head above water over. I'm supposed to act like I'm fine and this doesn't bother me but this is really chokingly painful.
I am in and out of relationships a lot. I thought with this one it was going to be different. I thought that this was it. I let my heart lead and I used no common sense whatsoever.
I am in and out of relationships a lot. I thought with this one it was going to be different. I thought that this was it. I let my heart lead and I used no common sense whatsoever.
where I'm at
This morning I'm hurting. It's the kind of heart sick that I hate to have acknowledge but that's what it is. I'm so confused because of how things played out. I'm hurt that he went behind my back talking to his ex girlfriend.
He sent me an email yesterday in response to my things and it was almost as if nothing had ever happened between us. I think that's what was getting to me last night.
There's a part of me that wants to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me but because he has never felt the same way about me as I have about him this is just not possible.
I wanted to lay in bed all day but that's going to just mean I'll be thinking all that much more about this subject and my goal is to move on.
I have this part of me that says he got scared that he was moving too fast and he freaked out on me. I have my mom and one of my best friend's telling me God changed his heart. Regardless it's over and I have to pick up the pieces and move on again.
He sent me an email yesterday in response to my things and it was almost as if nothing had ever happened between us. I think that's what was getting to me last night.
There's a part of me that wants to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me but because he has never felt the same way about me as I have about him this is just not possible.
I wanted to lay in bed all day but that's going to just mean I'll be thinking all that much more about this subject and my goal is to move on.
I have this part of me that says he got scared that he was moving too fast and he freaked out on me. I have my mom and one of my best friend's telling me God changed his heart. Regardless it's over and I have to pick up the pieces and move on again.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Don't let it consume you
There's a song that Will Smith re-did sometime while I was in high school and there is a line in that song that I've always loved
"Throughout life people will make you mad Disrespect you and treat you bad Let God deal with the things they do Cause hate in your heart will consume you too Always tell the truth say your prayers"
I'm reminding myself that I need to apply this.
"Throughout life people will make you mad Disrespect you and treat you bad Let God deal with the things they do Cause hate in your heart will consume you too Always tell the truth say your prayers"
I'm reminding myself that I need to apply this.
I'm so mad
Like I said I fluctuate between emotions. Currently I'm just angry. Not a good emotion. I'm excited about the interview I have next Wednesday!!! I vented my feelings to my friend Margaret.
Because I don't want to blow up my friends email
I'm writing thoughts out and I will probably delete some of these but I'm so frustrated.
I felt rage earlier. I'm not used to that one but it's happened before not recently but it has happened.
I am so floored that we were talking marriage and baby names and then suddenly the rug was pulled out from underneath me.
I thought about the fact that while circumstances have changed he is still the same guy and he did the exact same thing to me that he has always done.
I believed that he was sincere and for real. I was friends with him for 2 YEARS and thought that this time was true. What a fool I am.
I felt rage earlier. I'm not used to that one but it's happened before not recently but it has happened.
I am so floored that we were talking marriage and baby names and then suddenly the rug was pulled out from underneath me.
I thought about the fact that while circumstances have changed he is still the same guy and he did the exact same thing to me that he has always done.
I believed that he was sincere and for real. I was friends with him for 2 YEARS and thought that this time was true. What a fool I am.
Again what I am not saying on FB
And I deleted him from my FB but I just don't feel the need to air this out to 367 people.
I'm furious that he was talking to someone else before having the decency to end things with me.
I'm not happy that he's not responding to my request for when I can have my friends pick up my things.
I'm not happy that I allowed myself to actually believe that he was sincere.
I'm frustrated that I trusted so completely and now I'm just embarrassed by it.
I stood up for him to my parents and my friends promising up and down that this time would be different.
He kept saying that I was in love with him from a few years ago and that is simply not true. I'm not happy that he would be talking marriage and children with me on Saturday and completely change that tune 2 days later on Monday.
I do not know what all is going on but I did know him well enough to know that it was over.
I also know that this is not my fault. I'm high maintenance and difficult and I freely admit I am not an easy person to date. This is not my fault because he was full aware of all this going into it. I was never anyone other than me.
One of my friends wrote that it is better to have loved and lost then loved a loser. I would rather have not had the experience I've just had at all. My mom said last night that I needed this to finally officially close this chapter. For me I closed out this chapter years and years ago and he was the one who asked me to reopen it and he was the one who made me believe that it was for real. I gave away 5 bags of clothes. I was fully prepared to move down to SC to share my life with him.
My friend Brandi pointed out that there were numerous reasons why it's for the best that he has done this. There is the crazy baby mama drama. There is the factor of a very sweet little boy who is going to most likely be a royally screwed up adolescent thanks to the craziness of his upbringing. There is the guy who while actively in recovery could always relapse. There is the fact that when it comes down to it he and I do not share the same beliefs and this is one area where I will admit to compromising myself. I did compromise because of who this was. I also have to acknowledge that God took him away. The other woman factor I guess is just a reason for me to write him out of my life entirely. I do believe that what goes around comes around. I walk out of this and I did nothing wrong. I was honest and true. I believed that love could conquer all. I believed and trusted and while I could be upset with myself for this I also have to appreciate the fact that this all came out now and not after I had already moved down there.
No I'm not going to speak to him again because of the other woman factor. No I do not like him, I've already forgiven but just because I've forgiven does not mean I will allow that person to have access to my life any longer.
I'm furious that he was talking to someone else before having the decency to end things with me.
I'm not happy that he's not responding to my request for when I can have my friends pick up my things.
I'm not happy that I allowed myself to actually believe that he was sincere.
I'm frustrated that I trusted so completely and now I'm just embarrassed by it.
I stood up for him to my parents and my friends promising up and down that this time would be different.
He kept saying that I was in love with him from a few years ago and that is simply not true. I'm not happy that he would be talking marriage and children with me on Saturday and completely change that tune 2 days later on Monday.
I do not know what all is going on but I did know him well enough to know that it was over.
I also know that this is not my fault. I'm high maintenance and difficult and I freely admit I am not an easy person to date. This is not my fault because he was full aware of all this going into it. I was never anyone other than me.
One of my friends wrote that it is better to have loved and lost then loved a loser. I would rather have not had the experience I've just had at all. My mom said last night that I needed this to finally officially close this chapter. For me I closed out this chapter years and years ago and he was the one who asked me to reopen it and he was the one who made me believe that it was for real. I gave away 5 bags of clothes. I was fully prepared to move down to SC to share my life with him.
My friend Brandi pointed out that there were numerous reasons why it's for the best that he has done this. There is the crazy baby mama drama. There is the factor of a very sweet little boy who is going to most likely be a royally screwed up adolescent thanks to the craziness of his upbringing. There is the guy who while actively in recovery could always relapse. There is the fact that when it comes down to it he and I do not share the same beliefs and this is one area where I will admit to compromising myself. I did compromise because of who this was. I also have to acknowledge that God took him away. The other woman factor I guess is just a reason for me to write him out of my life entirely. I do believe that what goes around comes around. I walk out of this and I did nothing wrong. I was honest and true. I believed that love could conquer all. I believed and trusted and while I could be upset with myself for this I also have to appreciate the fact that this all came out now and not after I had already moved down there.
No I'm not going to speak to him again because of the other woman factor. No I do not like him, I've already forgiven but just because I've forgiven does not mean I will allow that person to have access to my life any longer.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Still more
I really am so many emotions right now that trying to process them is making me feel like I need to spew.
Thank God for amazing girlfriends that He's placed in my life! I also was reminded on my way home from work this afternoon that if I asked Him to take away this guy if he wasn't the right one then I shouldn't be quite so upset over the fact that God did exactly as I asked.
So while I can remove this guy from my life entirely for good, which I have done. I also have to say, I forgive him and while I will no longer have contact with him I hold no anger against him. I am probably most hurt by the fact the he admitted to talking to his ex girlfriend again. Which means that all last week when he couldn't bother to call, text or email me he was talking to her.
I believed him when he said that it could work. I believed the lie that this time it would be different. While I can beat myself up over this for days and weeks the one thing I've heard from my mom and my closest girlfriends is that they believe God changed his heart towards me.
I know this but the whole ex girlfriend factor has been what's making me so mad and why I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. Perhaps they are right and God did change his heart but he was not true to me and that hurts me because I believed that he was sincere.
Thank God for amazing girlfriends that He's placed in my life! I also was reminded on my way home from work this afternoon that if I asked Him to take away this guy if he wasn't the right one then I shouldn't be quite so upset over the fact that God did exactly as I asked.
So while I can remove this guy from my life entirely for good, which I have done. I also have to say, I forgive him and while I will no longer have contact with him I hold no anger against him. I am probably most hurt by the fact the he admitted to talking to his ex girlfriend again. Which means that all last week when he couldn't bother to call, text or email me he was talking to her.
I believed him when he said that it could work. I believed the lie that this time it would be different. While I can beat myself up over this for days and weeks the one thing I've heard from my mom and my closest girlfriends is that they believe God changed his heart towards me.
I know this but the whole ex girlfriend factor has been what's making me so mad and why I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. Perhaps they are right and God did change his heart but he was not true to me and that hurts me because I believed that he was sincere.
Sometimes I shouldn't be so trusting
It's officially over Here's my response and the email:
My response back:
"I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that can give you what you need. I also felt like you were expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the past, which I'm not."
I still don't understand this line but I'm not going to dwell on it. I should have left things as they were.
I'm so hurt and I really need to put space between us. I'm going to need to delete you from facebook for a season because otherwise I will always be looking and always be trying to see what you have going on and I know that's not healthy. At some point I may request to be friends again but please understand where I am coming from on this.
I could call you names I could say a lot of things but I know that I have just been hurt by the guy I love and I was led to believe differently then what you have said in the email.
I will be fine. I could also call myself a lot of names right now for ever going down this road again but at this point it's not worth it.
I know you have a lot going on. I'm sorry about the fire. I'll be praying for Jack.
Like I said there's so much more that I would like to say but I shouldn't and I won't.
--- On Mon, 9/14/09, R wrote:
> From: R
> Subject: Re:
> To: "L"
> Date: Monday, September 14, 2009, 11:21 AM
> L,
>
> I have been extremely busy and haven't had time to
> respond. I do apologize for that. I have Jack this coming
> weekend and didn't have him this past weekend. We will
> probably be camping. I don't have a court date as of
> yet, my attorney never asked the court for it to be on the
> calender according the the Judges clerk. My lawyer hasnt
> returned my messages nor email in like 2 weeks and if I
> don't hear back from him today I'm probably going to
> find a new one. My clothes dryer caught on fire yesterday, I
> had events I volunteered at all day Saturday and My son is
> sick and not in School. I have a PTA meeting tonight and
> don't know if Bethany will be there or not, but I do
> know she used Medicaid to pay for his doctors visit last
> night. I have a dentist appointment in the morning, a
> Voluntter meeting tomorrow night with CCA, and And event
> Wednesday night.
> In regards to us, I just don't truly think we were
> meant to be more than friends. We love each other and care
> about other and have known each other for a long time, but I
> just don't truly think that we are made for each other.
> I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I
> was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that
> can give you what you need. I also felt like you were
> expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the
> past, which I'm not. We have been through a lot
> together, but in someways we seem to view the world in
> completely different perspectives. I also know that with my
> life and schedule the way it is at the moment that I
> can't give you the attention that you need, just as
> I wouldn't be giving myself and my recovery the
> attention it needs. I hope that we can still be
> friends. I can put your stuff on my porch covered this
> weekend if you will let me know when you would like to come
> and get it. In
> regards to Alysha and I being friends on facebook, we are
> talking again and where it will lead to I don't know. I
> put my life in the hands of God a few years ago and no
> longer try to influence the outcomes I just pray, talk to
> others, and follow my heart on things these days. I'm am
> grateful for the experiences in my life today even the ones
> that don't work out as I would like them to. I hope you
> have a good week.
>
> R
>
> From: L
>
> To: R
>
> Sent: Monday,
> September 14, 2009 8:52:45 AM
> Subject:
>
> I'm trying very hard I really am to not contact
> you.
> I haven't talked to you since last Tuesday morning
> and that conversation was just weird.
> You're friends with AH again on FB. If
> you are talking to her again and want to get back together
> that is fine. Just be honest. Normally I'm
> not jealous. Normally I can handle a lot and be
> rational. Right now I'm trying to stay rational
> but this situation is hurting me and you told me you would
> do your best NOT to hurt me again.
> I don't handle complete lack of communication well
> at all.
> I love you. I've made that very clear.
> I'm not mad at you. I would like to get my things back
> whether you take them to MFT's or I come next
> Sunday to retrieve them.
> I know you are in pain. I know you had to go to
> a funeral. I guess by now you know when your court
> date is and I am praying for you.
> I don't handle situations like this very
> well. This hurts so much and if you're getting
> back together with AH or there is someone else then I
> will be fine. At this point I feel like you know that
> what you feel for me isn't what you thought and
> that's ok but PLEASE stop hurting me and just tell me
> whatever it is that you need to tell
> me.
My response back:
"I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that can give you what you need. I also felt like you were expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the past, which I'm not."
I still don't understand this line but I'm not going to dwell on it. I should have left things as they were.
I'm so hurt and I really need to put space between us. I'm going to need to delete you from facebook for a season because otherwise I will always be looking and always be trying to see what you have going on and I know that's not healthy. At some point I may request to be friends again but please understand where I am coming from on this.
I could call you names I could say a lot of things but I know that I have just been hurt by the guy I love and I was led to believe differently then what you have said in the email.
I will be fine. I could also call myself a lot of names right now for ever going down this road again but at this point it's not worth it.
I know you have a lot going on. I'm sorry about the fire. I'll be praying for Jack.
Like I said there's so much more that I would like to say but I shouldn't and I won't.
--- On Mon, 9/14/09, R wrote:
> From: R
> Subject: Re:
> To: "L"
> Date: Monday, September 14, 2009, 11:21 AM
> L,
>
> I have been extremely busy and haven't had time to
> respond. I do apologize for that. I have Jack this coming
> weekend and didn't have him this past weekend. We will
> probably be camping. I don't have a court date as of
> yet, my attorney never asked the court for it to be on the
> calender according the the Judges clerk. My lawyer hasnt
> returned my messages nor email in like 2 weeks and if I
> don't hear back from him today I'm probably going to
> find a new one. My clothes dryer caught on fire yesterday, I
> had events I volunteered at all day Saturday and My son is
> sick and not in School. I have a PTA meeting tonight and
> don't know if Bethany will be there or not, but I do
> know she used Medicaid to pay for his doctors visit last
> night. I have a dentist appointment in the morning, a
> Voluntter meeting tomorrow night with CCA, and And event
> Wednesday night.
> In regards to us, I just don't truly think we were
> meant to be more than friends. We love each other and care
> about other and have known each other for a long time, but I
> just don't truly think that we are made for each other.
> I felt last weekend like you expected more out of me than I
> was willing to give you and that you deserve someone that
> can give you what you need. I also felt like you were
> expecting me to in someways be the me that you knew from the
> past, which I'm not. We have been through a lot
> together, but in someways we seem to view the world in
> completely different perspectives. I also know that with my
> life and schedule the way it is at the moment that I
> can't give you the attention that you need, just as
> I wouldn't be giving myself and my recovery the
> attention it needs. I hope that we can still be
> friends. I can put your stuff on my porch covered this
> weekend if you will let me know when you would like to come
> and get it. In
> regards to Alysha and I being friends on facebook, we are
> talking again and where it will lead to I don't know. I
> put my life in the hands of God a few years ago and no
> longer try to influence the outcomes I just pray, talk to
> others, and follow my heart on things these days. I'm am
> grateful for the experiences in my life today even the ones
> that don't work out as I would like them to. I hope you
> have a good week.
>
> R
>
> From: L
>
> To: R
>
> Sent: Monday,
> September 14, 2009 8:52:45 AM
> Subject:
>
> I'm trying very hard I really am to not contact
> you.
> I haven't talked to you since last Tuesday morning
> and that conversation was just weird.
> You're friends with AH again on FB. If
> you are talking to her again and want to get back together
> that is fine. Just be honest. Normally I'm
> not jealous. Normally I can handle a lot and be
> rational. Right now I'm trying to stay rational
> but this situation is hurting me and you told me you would
> do your best NOT to hurt me again.
> I don't handle complete lack of communication well
> at all.
> I love you. I've made that very clear.
> I'm not mad at you. I would like to get my things back
> whether you take them to MFT's or I come next
> Sunday to retrieve them.
> I know you are in pain. I know you had to go to
> a funeral. I guess by now you know when your court
> date is and I am praying for you.
> I don't handle situations like this very
> well. This hurts so much and if you're getting
> back together with AH or there is someone else then I
> will be fine. At this point I feel like you know that
> what you feel for me isn't what you thought and
> that's ok but PLEASE stop hurting me and just tell me
> whatever it is that you need to tell
> me.
What I'm not saying
Many people use facebook as an outlet to vent thru status updates. I use scriptures and while my scriptures definitely reflect what is happening in my life I try not to put negative things up there. I do ocassionally use it as an outlet when I'm working at the restaurant for fun b/c it's slow.
What my status is not saying right now is I'm about to spin out of my own head.
My status is not saying just get this over with because I don't handle this well at all.
My status is not saying I want to jump up and down and throw things and have a hissy fit because it's not going my way.
Notice that I wouldn't put these things to begin with but especially not where the object of frustration can see how aggravated I am. The emails he's recieved are plenty.
So my mom emailed me this morning and one of the things that she and my Godmother came up with is an acronym for Frog. Our big thing over the past years has been that I've kissed a lot of frogs. That I'm waiting for whoever to ribiit. The acronomy that they gave me FROG - Fully – Relying – On – God!
What my status is not saying right now is I'm about to spin out of my own head.
My status is not saying just get this over with because I don't handle this well at all.
My status is not saying I want to jump up and down and throw things and have a hissy fit because it's not going my way.
Notice that I wouldn't put these things to begin with but especially not where the object of frustration can see how aggravated I am. The emails he's recieved are plenty.
So my mom emailed me this morning and one of the things that she and my Godmother came up with is an acronym for Frog. Our big thing over the past years has been that I've kissed a lot of frogs. That I'm waiting for whoever to ribiit. The acronomy that they gave me FROG - Fully – Relying – On – God!
Let go of me
I'm trying very hard to seek the Lord and put Him first. The thought that keeps rolling thru my brain is why won't he (the guy I've been dating) just LET ME GO. I've asked that he just let me go so we can close out this chapter and he won't do it. I can't break up with him. I mean I could but this needs to come from him. He is the one who convinced me that this could work and now he needs to be the one to admit that he was in love with the idea of me and not the reality. I fluctuate between hurt and tears and frustration. I can't let go until he does and it's hurting me. It's like a knife that just twists deeper and deeper. He won't talk to me but yet his fb shows it's complicated but I've heard absolutely nothing from him. If this was ANYONE else I would have already said forget it. But because of who this is and becauseI do love him despite my frustration the reality is until he admits that it's over I am unable to let go. This hurts, it hurts so much that when the tears come they come unexpectedly and at inconvenient times.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Perspective
Earlier I wrote about the movie Facing the Giants. There is a part that is absolutely standing out in my mind. When they find out that they probably can't have children he asks her will you love me anyways. Then when she's outside the doctors office and she's just found out again that she's not pregnant she looks up and she tells God that she will love Him anyways. Then it's one of my favorite scenes when the nurse comes out to tell her that she is pregnant. And then one of my other favorite scenes is when she tells her husband that he's now part of the "Daddy Team".
I watched the out takes of the movie tonight. What I didn't know is that a church in Georgia filmed that whole movie. Then they had a company that was looking for a good movie to put out in stores and thus the movie was sold. I watched if for the first time a couple weeks ago. Then I watched it again because right now in my life I need the reminder that God is SO BIG that there is NOTHING He can't do.
In church this morning we talked about how Christ is our solid rock. How we have hope and God is our provider. We have nothing to fear because God is with us. Christ blood covered our sins and enabled us to have a relationship with the heavenly Father. One thing I thought of when I was listening in church this morning was how Christians tell of His great works. We still have stories today of the amazing things that God does in our lives. What I thought about is how I've never looked into this but in all the other world religions do they have any kind of story as to what their god is doing in their life? I can give stories of times I've seen the hand of God in my own life and that of my family and friends. What I know is that I serve the living God. The God who was and is and is to come. Before the world was created there was God and after the world ends God will still be there.
One of our exhortations this morning from Billy was to quit focusing on our source of anxiety. Be it job, health, relationship, whatever it is that we are feeling stressed out over to quit focusing on this and ask God to give us more vision of Him. What is He wanting to show us? What is He trying to communicate with us? Obviously in my own life right now I'm struggling, I'm drowning in debt and my relationship that I thought was the real deal, well I think he was in love with the idea of me and not the reality.
So I have to quit focusing on that. I have to apply Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4
I watched the out takes of the movie tonight. What I didn't know is that a church in Georgia filmed that whole movie. Then they had a company that was looking for a good movie to put out in stores and thus the movie was sold. I watched if for the first time a couple weeks ago. Then I watched it again because right now in my life I need the reminder that God is SO BIG that there is NOTHING He can't do.
In church this morning we talked about how Christ is our solid rock. How we have hope and God is our provider. We have nothing to fear because God is with us. Christ blood covered our sins and enabled us to have a relationship with the heavenly Father. One thing I thought of when I was listening in church this morning was how Christians tell of His great works. We still have stories today of the amazing things that God does in our lives. What I thought about is how I've never looked into this but in all the other world religions do they have any kind of story as to what their god is doing in their life? I can give stories of times I've seen the hand of God in my own life and that of my family and friends. What I know is that I serve the living God. The God who was and is and is to come. Before the world was created there was God and after the world ends God will still be there.
One of our exhortations this morning from Billy was to quit focusing on our source of anxiety. Be it job, health, relationship, whatever it is that we are feeling stressed out over to quit focusing on this and ask God to give us more vision of Him. What is He wanting to show us? What is He trying to communicate with us? Obviously in my own life right now I'm struggling, I'm drowning in debt and my relationship that I thought was the real deal, well I think he was in love with the idea of me and not the reality.
So I have to quit focusing on that. I have to apply Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4
Facing the Giants
I just finished watching this movie again. So many points hit me that I felt the need to share. Based off comments from my scripture status' I have a feeling that a lot of friends are going thru uncertainty, worry, concern, trials life is a journey and some days, weeks, years that journey is easier than others.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The premise of the movie is about a football coach at a small school and he has a football team that is small and they just can't seem to win. The coach has tried to make the team stronger but they just seem to be at a standstill. Everything in the coach's life professionally and personally seems to be a trial. Even if you don't like football this movie is such an uplifting reminder that thru God all things are possible.
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
The coach and his wife have been trying to have a baby and he finds out that the reason they haven't been able to is him. The car the coach has is old and breaks down and they have to get it jumped all the time.
There is a turning point in the movie and shortly after there is a scene where the coach receives a new truck free and clear. What a reminder that God provides for all our needs, needs not greeds! But because He's God He can provide beyond what we can begin to imagine.
The team makes it to the final championship. They are facing a team 3 times their size. They shouldn't have even made it to the game. The coach reminds them that God is the reason that they are there and whether they win or lose they will praise Him. We are supposed to praise God no matter what.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
It is easy to post scriptures but walking out in Faith that God is my provider, that He does know best, that He is in control this is hard to apply. It's so easy to get discouraged and feel overwhelmed. But because I believe that the Bible is God's word I have hope.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. " Jeremiah 29:11-13
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The premise of the movie is about a football coach at a small school and he has a football team that is small and they just can't seem to win. The coach has tried to make the team stronger but they just seem to be at a standstill. Everything in the coach's life professionally and personally seems to be a trial. Even if you don't like football this movie is such an uplifting reminder that thru God all things are possible.
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26
The coach and his wife have been trying to have a baby and he finds out that the reason they haven't been able to is him. The car the coach has is old and breaks down and they have to get it jumped all the time.
There is a turning point in the movie and shortly after there is a scene where the coach receives a new truck free and clear. What a reminder that God provides for all our needs, needs not greeds! But because He's God He can provide beyond what we can begin to imagine.
The team makes it to the final championship. They are facing a team 3 times their size. They shouldn't have even made it to the game. The coach reminds them that God is the reason that they are there and whether they win or lose they will praise Him. We are supposed to praise God no matter what.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
It is easy to post scriptures but walking out in Faith that God is my provider, that He does know best, that He is in control this is hard to apply. It's so easy to get discouraged and feel overwhelmed. But because I believe that the Bible is God's word I have hope.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. " Jeremiah 29:11-13
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Processing
the hardest part is I thought dating a friend who I had known so long would help the outcome. I was promised that he would love me. I knew the risk I took, I knew I just let my heart lead my head.
I prayed that if it wasn't meant to be then it would be clear. This letting go is incredibly hard!
I prayed that if it wasn't meant to be then it would be clear. This letting go is incredibly hard!
If you never take a chance you don't know what might have been
I'm writing with a breaking heart. I took a chance that maybe if I dated someone who I had been friends with for years and years the outcome would be happy.
Nope.
I had prayed that if this situation wasn't right that God would make it very clear. He has.
It hurts. I'm 30 I'm single. My finances are wrecked and everyday I trust that God is going to provide. My job situation is another area where I have to trust God. I'm hoping that a job I applied for today comes thru.
Right now I'm in a place that hurts. It feels like everything has just fallen apart.
Nope.
I had prayed that if this situation wasn't right that God would make it very clear. He has.
It hurts. I'm 30 I'm single. My finances are wrecked and everyday I trust that God is going to provide. My job situation is another area where I have to trust God. I'm hoping that a job I applied for today comes thru.
Right now I'm in a place that hurts. It feels like everything has just fallen apart.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Obsessing
I've noticed something about myself over the summer. I probably already was aware but over the summer it really came to light. I tend to go over and over and over situations in my head. For example by ex-boyfriend who gave me the ipod and whose best friend fixed my computer. I replayed and went over what had happened trying to figure it all out. Reality, nothing I could have done or said would have made anything better. I wasn't the right person for him and I never was going to be and for me it was healthier to just walk away. I know this and I tried to get my thoughts off the subject but for a while it just bugged me incessantly.
The year after I broke up with the guy who had the little girl. I could go back thru so many posts all on the very subject of him and her and everything. It's not something I think about as often anymore, time is a great treatment!
Over the weekend I visited a meeting. The topic of conversation brought up was on the very subject, obsession. I think it must be human nature to go over a situation or words or circumstance over and over again. I think different personality types are able to handle the thoughts better than others. Some try to avoid the thoughts entirely. I've always been one to replay and replay and replay what's happened.
This is something I've determined to work on for myself. I am trying hard to do this right now. I don't want to be clingy and insecure and I'm trying to be independant and not worry over a situation in which I can only answer for my own actions and feelings. I have to trust that God's in control. He has the new job for me, He has the place where He wants me to be. Everything happens in His time.
The year after I broke up with the guy who had the little girl. I could go back thru so many posts all on the very subject of him and her and everything. It's not something I think about as often anymore, time is a great treatment!
Over the weekend I visited a meeting. The topic of conversation brought up was on the very subject, obsession. I think it must be human nature to go over a situation or words or circumstance over and over again. I think different personality types are able to handle the thoughts better than others. Some try to avoid the thoughts entirely. I've always been one to replay and replay and replay what's happened.
This is something I've determined to work on for myself. I am trying hard to do this right now. I don't want to be clingy and insecure and I'm trying to be independant and not worry over a situation in which I can only answer for my own actions and feelings. I have to trust that God's in control. He has the new job for me, He has the place where He wants me to be. Everything happens in His time.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Oh where to start???
So much so much so much...
Let's start with the job. I got handed a ton of additional responsibility on July 1 on July 2 I was out sick and July 3 the office was closed. I missed getting an account in on time and got us blocked from 1 of our markets and "lost" the account for my producer.
So the following week on 7/16/09 I get written up for the first time ever at a job. Then 7/28/09 I'm told my position is changing and I'm receiving a 6K a year paycut. This was 2 days before I was supposed to go to the beach. I promptly cancelled my trip in order to figure out what I was going to do. The following day things fell apart with the person who had been hired who had been the reason for my paycut and I was told my job was remaining the same. Financially this was a good thing. As far as the job itself well I look at it as every day I am trying to figure out whatever it is that God is trying to teach me. I try very hard to stay positive in a situation that very often makes me wish my car would go off the road or slam into something so I didn't have to ever come in to work again. But for the most part I just pray and try to remember that it's good to have employment.
During all this there has been a new development in my personal life. I broke up with the last boyfriend who now has a very cute, pretty, girlfriend and I hope she's what he was looking for. That exboyfriend called me clingy which I still mildly resent but I got a new computer hard drive and an ipod out of the relationship so really he can call me whatever he wants I had a great time and I walked away on my terms.
Now there has been a friend in my life for years and years. We first met at a fraternity party at App. I took him to my stranded islander date function. We ran into each other again in January of 2002. I fell head over heels in love and he was not good news for me at all. In 2005 he fell off the face of the earth. My life rolled on and I dated and broke up with Ballantyne Guy, other guy from college and my ex who has the little girl. In that time period there was also the cocaine addict who was psychotic, the crazy alcoholic who took me to Charleston who I walked out on and found my own way home and the guy who lived in TN who was really sweet and I wonder how he is and hope he's doing well. So all these guys in this time period came and went and some are still friend but most are not.
Well in August 2007 this friend finds me on My Space. We become friends again. In July we agreed to see what would happen if we really tried to date each other. So now my life has taken an unexpected and wonderful turn.
I'm excited about what my future holds!
Let's start with the job. I got handed a ton of additional responsibility on July 1 on July 2 I was out sick and July 3 the office was closed. I missed getting an account in on time and got us blocked from 1 of our markets and "lost" the account for my producer.
So the following week on 7/16/09 I get written up for the first time ever at a job. Then 7/28/09 I'm told my position is changing and I'm receiving a 6K a year paycut. This was 2 days before I was supposed to go to the beach. I promptly cancelled my trip in order to figure out what I was going to do. The following day things fell apart with the person who had been hired who had been the reason for my paycut and I was told my job was remaining the same. Financially this was a good thing. As far as the job itself well I look at it as every day I am trying to figure out whatever it is that God is trying to teach me. I try very hard to stay positive in a situation that very often makes me wish my car would go off the road or slam into something so I didn't have to ever come in to work again. But for the most part I just pray and try to remember that it's good to have employment.
During all this there has been a new development in my personal life. I broke up with the last boyfriend who now has a very cute, pretty, girlfriend and I hope she's what he was looking for. That exboyfriend called me clingy which I still mildly resent but I got a new computer hard drive and an ipod out of the relationship so really he can call me whatever he wants I had a great time and I walked away on my terms.
Now there has been a friend in my life for years and years. We first met at a fraternity party at App. I took him to my stranded islander date function. We ran into each other again in January of 2002. I fell head over heels in love and he was not good news for me at all. In 2005 he fell off the face of the earth. My life rolled on and I dated and broke up with Ballantyne Guy, other guy from college and my ex who has the little girl. In that time period there was also the cocaine addict who was psychotic, the crazy alcoholic who took me to Charleston who I walked out on and found my own way home and the guy who lived in TN who was really sweet and I wonder how he is and hope he's doing well. So all these guys in this time period came and went and some are still friend but most are not.
Well in August 2007 this friend finds me on My Space. We become friends again. In July we agreed to see what would happen if we really tried to date each other. So now my life has taken an unexpected and wonderful turn.
I'm excited about what my future holds!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
This week
This week needs to be over. I started the week knowing it would be rough. My full time job is horrible and I remind myself every day I'm thankful to have a job. It hit me this week that I will have a birthday without any romantic prospect at all for the first time since 2000. I think what makes this so incredibly hard psychologically is the fact that I remember vividly a conversation I had right before I turned 28 about where I wanted to be as far as married at least and hopefully pregnant by now. Nothing works out the way I understand or plan. I bought my house in May 2005 and did a 5 year arm because I figured I would not still be here 5 years later. I thought for sure I would meet the right guy and get married and sell the place.
I've gone thru so many boyfriends at this point that I'm the only one who can keep track of who where when and what. I find it completely disconcerting to be where I'm at now.
I got written up for the first time ever at a job today. I missed getting a submission in and in commercial insurance the first agent to get the submission in gets the quote and I did not do my submission in a "timely" manner therefor I got reprimanded and written up. I will never again be caught up at work because I've got so much responsibility that I usually don't know which end is up.
Tonight at the restaurant I got called out by a customer in front of my manager, "YOU'RE ON FACEBOOK AT WORK" in front of the general manager which yes I often am on FB at the restaurant when it's slowed down and I'm taking a quick break to check peoples status updates and messages that have been sent to me. The ironic part of that is I was actually writing on my friends wall "I'm focusing on girls night because this is what is making me happy because of this awful horrible no good week" or something along those lines.
Tomorrow at 4 pm can not come fast enough for me
I've gone thru so many boyfriends at this point that I'm the only one who can keep track of who where when and what. I find it completely disconcerting to be where I'm at now.
I got written up for the first time ever at a job today. I missed getting a submission in and in commercial insurance the first agent to get the submission in gets the quote and I did not do my submission in a "timely" manner therefor I got reprimanded and written up. I will never again be caught up at work because I've got so much responsibility that I usually don't know which end is up.
Tonight at the restaurant I got called out by a customer in front of my manager, "YOU'RE ON FACEBOOK AT WORK" in front of the general manager which yes I often am on FB at the restaurant when it's slowed down and I'm taking a quick break to check peoples status updates and messages that have been sent to me. The ironic part of that is I was actually writing on my friends wall "I'm focusing on girls night because this is what is making me happy because of this awful horrible no good week" or something along those lines.
Tomorrow at 4 pm can not come fast enough for me
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Focus
Last night I was praying. I do this often but last night in particular I was praying about hurt and disappointment and unmet expectation and disillusionment. I was praying about the fact that as many times as I've said I would let it all go I keep coming back to it.
I went to my study Bible and there is a section for singles. The particular scripture that I read last night was Colossians 3
1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Rules for Christian Households
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism. (copied and pasted from biblegateway.com)
So I read this and went to sleep. This morning I wake up and again my thoughts go to my lack of a prospect. I stop my thoughts and start to pray, again. What I realized this morning is that I'm dating someone I'm either thinking about how great and awesome they are, OR I'm thinking about whatever is frustrating me or currently not going so great. THEN when it doesn't work out my thoughts turn towards fear over lack of a prospect and what I did wrong and what they did wrong and my focus becomes them all over again just in a more negative way.
Why do I feel the need to focus and obsess over this? I was trying to think about what I'm to think about instead. Why is this so complicated for me? So now my prayer is to know and understand what my focus should be instead of where it seems to go when I'm not gaurding my thoughts.
I went to my study Bible and there is a section for singles. The particular scripture that I read last night was Colossians 3
1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Rules for Christian Households
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism. (copied and pasted from biblegateway.com)
So I read this and went to sleep. This morning I wake up and again my thoughts go to my lack of a prospect. I stop my thoughts and start to pray, again. What I realized this morning is that I'm dating someone I'm either thinking about how great and awesome they are, OR I'm thinking about whatever is frustrating me or currently not going so great. THEN when it doesn't work out my thoughts turn towards fear over lack of a prospect and what I did wrong and what they did wrong and my focus becomes them all over again just in a more negative way.
Why do I feel the need to focus and obsess over this? I was trying to think about what I'm to think about instead. Why is this so complicated for me? So now my prayer is to know and understand what my focus should be instead of where it seems to go when I'm not gaurding my thoughts.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Forgiving and Forgetting
Why is this so hard? Why do I tend to go over and over and over everything in my head? Why can't I just let things go. He hurt me get over it. She said something that bugged me, get over it. I've always been one to go back over and over and over things that have happened.
My own thoughts can very easily drive me up a wall! I talk about giving everything back to the Lord and yes this is my goal and my focus. But the reality of it is very difficult!
My own thoughts can very easily drive me up a wall! I talk about giving everything back to the Lord and yes this is my goal and my focus. But the reality of it is very difficult!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Honesty
In life I think it is important to have friends who will be very very honest with you about what they think. Now this is in context when asked but I do have friends who will tell me that I'm being unrealistic or unfair or that I'm need to take a step back. I ask them when I'm ready to hear what they have to say and I have to be prepared to either accept or just not ask.
In the past few days I have heard things that have made me upset, mad, furious, angry, hurt. Not just things pertaining to me so I've got a lot I'm thinking about.
In regards to something that is related to me I reached out to my friend who I look up to. I was expressing hurt over my personal situation and what was said to me really made me stop and think, but changed my thought process.
"From what you have said, this relationship seems to be very much on HIS terms and not a joint venture. It is all about what he wants when he wants it and he isn't considering you or your feelings at all. He sounds selfish and self absorbed .. and not living a Christian view at all. And, although you said it many times in this e-mail, a relationship built on texting and Facebook are not relationships. They are superficial and ridiculous. It sounds like he was pretty content to have a text-relationship .... just silly to me.
And why do you feel like you have to fall in LOVE in a few short months?? Love is something that grows over time. Love is not to be taken lightly or spread around like grass seed. And I truly believe that you cannot REALLY be in LOVE unless you are loved back ... with your whole heart, body and soul. (except what you give to Him, of course). I cannot wait for the day when you can say to me .... for real ... that you are in LOVE and are loved back. The way you deserve ... the way you should be.
These boys that you surround yourself with are not worthy of the beautiful person you are. You have not told me ever of any guy you have been with that ever sounded like they were the sort of guy you SHOULD be with.
You are hurt by his lack of communication and commitment .... you should be running away from anyone who can't find time to talk to you face-to-face or at least pick up the phone. For crying out loud! He sounds very manipulative too ... read my paper now ... bring me Wendy's now and figure out where to get it on your own ... oh, and I'll be watching a movie with my mom when you get here so don't expect any attention then either.
Gracious woman. Do you have so little self esteem? Why can't you look in the mirror and see what I see?
I'm really sorry if this is offensive to you .... I just can't stand it that you continue to get yourself in these horrible relationships that are just not worthy of the person I know you to be.
It saddens me, and I just don't know what else to say."
I'm a work in progress. I freely admit that. I also struggle with the fact that I'm supposed to give up all control over to the Lord and allow Him to lead. I keep wanting to take things back and handle them my way. I have a feeling that new things are about to happen. If I'm settling for something that is not right then I'm going to miss out on the great things that God has in store for me right around the corner!
Isaiah 43:18-19 "18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
In the past few days I have heard things that have made me upset, mad, furious, angry, hurt. Not just things pertaining to me so I've got a lot I'm thinking about.
In regards to something that is related to me I reached out to my friend who I look up to. I was expressing hurt over my personal situation and what was said to me really made me stop and think, but changed my thought process.
"From what you have said, this relationship seems to be very much on HIS terms and not a joint venture. It is all about what he wants when he wants it and he isn't considering you or your feelings at all. He sounds selfish and self absorbed .. and not living a Christian view at all. And, although you said it many times in this e-mail, a relationship built on texting and Facebook are not relationships. They are superficial and ridiculous. It sounds like he was pretty content to have a text-relationship .... just silly to me.
And why do you feel like you have to fall in LOVE in a few short months?? Love is something that grows over time. Love is not to be taken lightly or spread around like grass seed. And I truly believe that you cannot REALLY be in LOVE unless you are loved back ... with your whole heart, body and soul. (except what you give to Him, of course). I cannot wait for the day when you can say to me .... for real ... that you are in LOVE and are loved back. The way you deserve ... the way you should be.
These boys that you surround yourself with are not worthy of the beautiful person you are. You have not told me ever of any guy you have been with that ever sounded like they were the sort of guy you SHOULD be with.
You are hurt by his lack of communication and commitment .... you should be running away from anyone who can't find time to talk to you face-to-face or at least pick up the phone. For crying out loud! He sounds very manipulative too ... read my paper now ... bring me Wendy's now and figure out where to get it on your own ... oh, and I'll be watching a movie with my mom when you get here so don't expect any attention then either.
Gracious woman. Do you have so little self esteem? Why can't you look in the mirror and see what I see?
I'm really sorry if this is offensive to you .... I just can't stand it that you continue to get yourself in these horrible relationships that are just not worthy of the person I know you to be.
It saddens me, and I just don't know what else to say."
I'm a work in progress. I freely admit that. I also struggle with the fact that I'm supposed to give up all control over to the Lord and allow Him to lead. I keep wanting to take things back and handle them my way. I have a feeling that new things are about to happen. If I'm settling for something that is not right then I'm going to miss out on the great things that God has in store for me right around the corner!
Isaiah 43:18-19 "18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity."
I started thinking about love. I was going thru a frustrating situation and I was really asking the Lord for direction and guidance and to help me better understand what it is to love someone. I'm a Christian my desire is to be set apart and make a difference in the world around me. I want to be a light to those whom I come into contact with.
God's perspective on love is very different from the love that the world understands. 1 John 4:9-10 "This is how God showed His love among us He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. Before we ever accepted Him He sent Jesus into the world so that we would be able to have Salvation and redeemed our chance to have the personal relationship with Him. He gave us His example of what love is.
1 John 4:16 & 18-19 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us."
I've been hurt badly by guys who have said that they loved me. So much so that anytime I'm starting a new relationship often times I feel very fearful when I start to realize that I'm "falling" for the person. But something I'm beginning to understand is that when I give it up to the Lord, when I trust in Him implicitely and when I'm not trying to push to have my own way then I'm protected. Will it still hurt when it does not work out. YES! But because God loves me so much and He meets ALL my needs then I don't have to be fearful of love. I love not just romantically but family and friends wholeheartedly and with all that is within me because of the fact that I have the example of God's love for me. The actual model we have of love is perfect. Love becomes distorted and thrown around and it's easy to say but the reality of true love means remembering that God is love.
Romans 8:1 "Therefor there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Our mistakes and sins are covered by the blood. We have been set free. Our hope and our future is found in the Lord. We are free to love and be loved. I don't have to fear that my past makes me not good enough. I don't have to walk under a cloud believing that because I've failed at so many past relationships that I'm forever doomed to be alone. I'm NEVER alone my Father God is always there, always loving, always good!
1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain Faith, Hope and Love; but the greatest of these is love."
I'm working very hard right now to remember to take everything to the Lord in prayer and not get so worked up and not get frustrated or disappointed. This is all a learning process for me. I am only now beginning to understand how to do all this and I still fall short! I will be a work in progress until either the Lord takes me home or comes back for us. Psalm 1:1-3 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD,and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
I started thinking about love. I was going thru a frustrating situation and I was really asking the Lord for direction and guidance and to help me better understand what it is to love someone. I'm a Christian my desire is to be set apart and make a difference in the world around me. I want to be a light to those whom I come into contact with.
God's perspective on love is very different from the love that the world understands. 1 John 4:9-10 "This is how God showed His love among us He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. Before we ever accepted Him He sent Jesus into the world so that we would be able to have Salvation and redeemed our chance to have the personal relationship with Him. He gave us His example of what love is.
1 John 4:16 & 18-19 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us."
I've been hurt badly by guys who have said that they loved me. So much so that anytime I'm starting a new relationship often times I feel very fearful when I start to realize that I'm "falling" for the person. But something I'm beginning to understand is that when I give it up to the Lord, when I trust in Him implicitely and when I'm not trying to push to have my own way then I'm protected. Will it still hurt when it does not work out. YES! But because God loves me so much and He meets ALL my needs then I don't have to be fearful of love. I love not just romantically but family and friends wholeheartedly and with all that is within me because of the fact that I have the example of God's love for me. The actual model we have of love is perfect. Love becomes distorted and thrown around and it's easy to say but the reality of true love means remembering that God is love.
Romans 8:1 "Therefor there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Our mistakes and sins are covered by the blood. We have been set free. Our hope and our future is found in the Lord. We are free to love and be loved. I don't have to fear that my past makes me not good enough. I don't have to walk under a cloud believing that because I've failed at so many past relationships that I'm forever doomed to be alone. I'm NEVER alone my Father God is always there, always loving, always good!
1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain Faith, Hope and Love; but the greatest of these is love."
I'm working very hard right now to remember to take everything to the Lord in prayer and not get so worked up and not get frustrated or disappointed. This is all a learning process for me. I am only now beginning to understand how to do all this and I still fall short! I will be a work in progress until either the Lord takes me home or comes back for us. Psalm 1:1-3 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD,and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Busy Weekend
I had the most incredible fun yet busy weekend!! Friday night was the outside reception for Ally and Patrice's cousin Bethany. It was so so so beautiful, her parents have this huge house with a gorgeous backyard and there were lights and tables set up outside and yummy food but the best part was seeing my best friend who I don't get to see nearly as often as I would like since she and her husband live just outside of Tampa.
Then Saturday I helped out friends with my Mom and Dad. Becca had always wanted to have her reception at the Beaver Dam house in Davidson so it was an outside tent reception and it was HOT!!! Mom and Dad and I helped get the tables ready and helped all morning Saturday then we grabbed lunch and relaxed for a little while before the wedding and reception. It was beautiful and Becca said it was exactly how she always imagined it so that was exactly what we wanted to hear =)
Yesterday at church the message was again fantastic! I'm thankful for all that the Lord has done and continues to do in my life and the lives of my family and friends!
Then Saturday I helped out friends with my Mom and Dad. Becca had always wanted to have her reception at the Beaver Dam house in Davidson so it was an outside tent reception and it was HOT!!! Mom and Dad and I helped get the tables ready and helped all morning Saturday then we grabbed lunch and relaxed for a little while before the wedding and reception. It was beautiful and Becca said it was exactly how she always imagined it so that was exactly what we wanted to hear =)
Yesterday at church the message was again fantastic! I'm thankful for all that the Lord has done and continues to do in my life and the lives of my family and friends!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Another song that is stuck in my head
Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most"
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
This song is stuck in my head
Britt Nicole "Don't Worry Now"
Yeah
Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don't wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don't think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok
I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it's gonna be ok
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok
Yeah
Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don't wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don't think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we're gonna make it
We're gonna make it
[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok
I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it's gonna be ok
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok
Yesterday's Sermon
I've been thinking about the message it was so incredible. Pastor Billy's sermon was about the story of when Jesus and the disciples were on the boat and the big storm came up. The disciples were freaking out and they go and wake Jesus up and they reproach him saying, "don't you care if we drown?" Jesus was right there with them, he would have drowned right along with them. They didn't think Jesus could save them...
Billy used the version of the story that is in Mark 4:35-41. It starts off and the disciples made the decision to leave the crowd and go with Jesus. There was an aside taken at this verse to point out that to follow Christ almost always means leaving the crowd behind. Then they go out on the boat and the storm comes up. After Jesus calms the storm the disciples were afraid. They realized that even the wind and waves obeyed Jesus.
Back to where I was going. So in the storms of life Jesus is RIGHT THERE WITH US. We live in a fallen world. God didn't say that just because we have accepted Jesus in our hearts and are Christians that we are never going to have troubles and storms. God is good, all the time, He does not go against His nature. But we live in a world where storms come up. God does not cause these storms. Often times it is not something we have done that cause these storms. But when they come up Jesus is right there with us going through them too. We are never alone. We have hope because the same Jesus who was in that boat with the disciples is with us even now.
Billy used the version of the story that is in Mark 4:35-41. It starts off and the disciples made the decision to leave the crowd and go with Jesus. There was an aside taken at this verse to point out that to follow Christ almost always means leaving the crowd behind. Then they go out on the boat and the storm comes up. After Jesus calms the storm the disciples were afraid. They realized that even the wind and waves obeyed Jesus.
Back to where I was going. So in the storms of life Jesus is RIGHT THERE WITH US. We live in a fallen world. God didn't say that just because we have accepted Jesus in our hearts and are Christians that we are never going to have troubles and storms. God is good, all the time, He does not go against His nature. But we live in a world where storms come up. God does not cause these storms. Often times it is not something we have done that cause these storms. But when they come up Jesus is right there with us going through them too. We are never alone. We have hope because the same Jesus who was in that boat with the disciples is with us even now.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Hollywood
Friday night I went to see the movie "The Proposal" with my friend who had also had a very rough week. On Wednesday her ex boyfriend called to give her the rundown on his latest date and the guy she had been talking to called 10 minutes later to let her know that "this just wasn't going to work out between us..." So my week had been a little rough. I had to finally just give up that the guy I've been seeing and I are just not going to work out because I can't seem to be whatever it is he's looking for and this is really hard b/c I fell head over heels for him. So she and I decided to take a girls night Friday and go see the movie.
The movie was fabulous and as we were leaving we were talking about it. We agreed that it had been exactly what we needed. We also acknowledged that probably a woman wrote the script and no guy is ever going to be like Ryan Reynolds character.
This evening I'm sitting home watching "The Holiday". Again a movie I'm watching to lift my spirits but I know that it's a script and in real life it does not work this way.
But the good news... God is in control. He has a plan for my life. I just have to wait on Him to show me the next door that He will open. I have a hope and a future and it is in the Lord!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
waiting
It's hard when you feel like God is telling you to wait. My natuaral instincts are to act quickly. I'm hurt I want to lash out. I want to walk away. I want to hold onto the hurt.
I'm learning how to walk in the Spirit. How to continually put hurts back into God's hands. How to pray through things.
The tears of frustration and hurt that fall are ok. It's been a really long time since I cried over anything significant and not just a sad movie or book. I know that God's done some incredible things with my heart.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Quote
Today my heart had been so heavy. I was hurting. At lunch I went home to let the puppy out and love on him a bit. As I was driving back to work the DJ was talking about how a friend of hers forwarded her a quote
"I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Martin Luther
This was so clearly a word that God had for me right at that moment. A lightness came into my heart. I realized that I have tried and tried to hold onto relationships. I have tried to do things on my own and it just does not work, I lose every time. I took that moment to pray and thank the Lord for His best.
When I got back to work my brother had forwarded me an email on Christian relationships that was so good!
18 LIES - a 2-part devotional
***
9 Lies Men Tell Themselves About Women
Julie Ferwerda
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
So you’re wondering … what does a woman know about what guys think? I just so happen to have some great male perspective for this article, namely from my insightful husband, Steve. But also, I used to be the woman in some of these points, so I also know how women play on men’s weaknesses.
Christian men and women in the dating world are met with so much wrong thinking in their relationships. It’s my hope to help you identify certain destructive lies in your thinking before it is too late.
LIE #1: She’s flirting with me because she thinks I’m great.Truth: While it seems innocent and fun, flirting is not a behavior that women who are trying to attract the right kind of man indulge in. Most women who flirt are looking for attention, not just from one certain great guy, but from any who will give them the attention they crave. Why? Likely she either has a poor self-image and she’s searching for ego strokes, or she is desperately looking for approval that she didn’t receive from her father. The trouble is, flirtatious women often have a hard time leaving that trait behind when they get married, and they inappropriately (and dangerously) continue to search for the approval of men long after “I do.” Also, women who need this type of attention can tend to be high maintenance in relationships, always craving more attention.
LIE #2: She doesn’t realize what her revealing clothes are doing to me.Truth: More likely than not, when she bought those clothes she was thinking about how you (and every other man) would drop his jaw when she walked by. While many women don’t realize the extent of men’s visual stimulation (since it’s quite different than women), most know exactly what they are doing to you. It’s called putting you under a spell to get what they want from you. Proverbs calls this a “seductress” with clear warning: “a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.” Proverbs 23:27-28
LIE #3: Her lack of faith won’t pull me down.Truth: Solomon, the wisest man and king who ever lived, fell for this lie. Believing he was smarter than God gave him credit for, he stubbornly ignored God’s warning not to marry the pagan women of other nations because they would turn his heart after their false gods. Sure enough, that’s exactly what happened—and it cost him greatly. In the end, he walked away from his faith. So if the wisest man who ever lived, the one who had been visited by God himself on two different occasions and who even built God’s temple, wasn’t strong enough to stay devoted to God while going after unbelieving women, how could you be any different?
LIE #4: She’s clingy, but I like to be needed. She’ll settle down once we’re married.Truth: According to studies, men thrive on being needed, but this can backfire because many women out there are desperate to get married for the wrong reasons. A woman with “emotional gaps” will put expectations on you that you’ll never live up to, no matter how much time, love, or words of encouragement you give her, because she has mistaken you as the answer to her longings. After the wedding, you’ll disappoint her because you can’t do or be enough, and she may turn to other things for comfort—food, other men, alcohol, or shopping, to name a few. Depending on you occasionally for emotional support, or to help with certain things (like changing her oil or mowing her lawn) are great, but when it comes to emotional neediness, it’s a red flag and it’s not going to get better until she gets help.
LIE #5: If she knew who I really am, she wouldn’t want me.Truth: This fear motivates men to tell women what they want to hear instead of being open and honest about who they really are. When this happens, the relationship is built on a lie, increasing the chance of relationship failure later on. It also increases a man’s anxiety over exposure and rejection, creating a cycle of deceit. The woman you’re dating deserves to know exactly who you are and what kind of person she’s agreeing to love. It’s not fair to give her false hope. As an example, going to church with her before you are married or pretending to be a spiritual leader, with no intention of continuing later, is not an honest representation of yourself. If she is a good match for you and she’s operating under grace, she’ll love and accept you, warts and all.
LIE #6: She wouldn’t just date me for financial reasons.Truth: Think again. A woman’s greatest need is for security, according to studies. That doesn’t mean that all women are gold diggers, but you have to search out motives. There’s many a financially distraught woman thinking that getting married to someone financially stable will solve all of her problems, whether or not the man is right for her. Watch for a few factors. Does she manage her own money well? Is she stable financially on her own? Does she display expensive tastes out of her budget? Does she focus on her lack of finances or on your comfortable lifestyle? If you are concerned, be sure to approach this matter privately with a qualified pre-marriage counselor (her pastor?) for some objective help in discerning her motives. This may sound harsh, but you don’t want to risk marrying a woman who only loves your money.
LIE #7: When I marry her, my lust problem will be solved.Truth: This is a frequent misconception for men who are waiting to have sex until marriage. They think, “When I’m able to have sex with my wife, I won’t be tempted by pornography or dwell on lustful thoughts anymore because I’ll have an outlet for my sexual energy.” I think honest men will tell you that marriage did not solve their lust problem. In some cases, it aggravated it. This is due primarily to the fact that lust isn’t a sex problem. It’s a heart problem. And just like a fire, when you begin to feed it, it gets hotter and hungrier, not satisfied. When a man gets married, he may be even more focused on sex and can still feed his lustful thoughts with images and fantasies. The only answer is to starve the fire of lust to make it eventually die down. Flee, as the Bible says, from sexual temptation.
Many men also go into marriage expecting their wife to be a sex goddess—ready for a romp 24/7. Relationship problems, low sex-drive, busy schedules, interruptions from kids, and physical problems can all contribute to marital sex not being as plentiful as you hoped.
LIE #8: She nags, but what woman doesn’t.Truth: Frequent nagging is a control problem. If you want to be mothered for the rest of your life, then go ahead and accept the challenge. If not, either make sure she deals with her control problem before marriage, or move on until you meet up with a more relaxed woman who doesn’t need to micro-manage your life.
LIE #9: Her past is her past—I don’t need to know.Truth: Wrong! Her past becomes your past. You need to dig during the dating relationship to see if there are any big issues lurking in the deep waters beneath the surface. What was her relationship like with her dad? Has she ever been sexually molested or abused? How have men treated her in past relationships? How has she treated men in the past? All of this you need to know now, or you could be shocked and deeply affected later when huge roadblocks and past skeletons emerge in her sexual or emotional intimacy.
*******
9 Lies Women Tell Themselves About Men
Julie Ferwerda
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Sitting across the table from my beautiful friend in the quaint coffee shop, my worry mounted. She was sharing details about her new whirlwind relationship that had begun a couple months earlier.
“I finally met that guy I’ve been talking to on the Internet. After calling and text messaging constantly for the last two months, we decided to take it the next level—so we met half way last weekend. It was amazing. He’s perfect for me! He is so kind, smart, funny, dynamic … he is too good to be true!”
Exactly! I thought to myself.
“And did I mention he is financially secure? Not that money is important.” Her apparent excitement said the opposite.
“Is he a Christian?”
“We met at an online matchmaking site!”
“Is everyone on that a Christian?”
“Well … he hasn’t really been going to church—but he definitely loves God.”
Saddam Hussein claims to love God. “How do you know that?”
“He told me so! I just know God brought us together.”
“You’ve only known him for two months. Why do you think God brought him into your life?” I had to pinch myself under the table not to sound condescending.
“Because … it just feels so right when we talk. We have so much in common. He really loves me.” Oh, oh. I can see we’re in trouble now. …
“So … since he’s such a great Christian guy, I’m sure he didn’t try to get you to sleep with him. I mean, he’s protecting your purity and all, right?” I had a bad feeling about this guy already. My cynicism was beginning to show.
“Well … he’s not legalistic about it. I mean, we are adults and he said as long as we’re committed to each other it’s the same as being married.” Her own convictions had seemingly evaporated overnight.
“So if you know each other so well, what are his weaknesses?” Besides not being a Christian, trying to get you into bed at the first chance, and being a liar.
“He might be just a little bit compulsive. Is it normal for a guy to ask you to take off your shoes before you get into his car? But I guess I don’t mind too much … he has so many other great qualities, what could be so bad about that?”
I’d had conversations like this with women dozens of times. In fact, for most of my own life, I was the one lying to myself. If anyone knew the lies women tell themselves to justify getting into bad relationships that led to bad marriages, it was me. And now, my precious friend, the one with whom I had discussed these lies with over and over, was falling into to them much too easily. I began to pray that she would see the truth before it was too late.
What about you? If you are still trying to hold out for God’s best but you find yourself identifying with some of the conversation above, read on. It’s not too late for you to begin identifying the lies you tell yourself so that you can avoid an empty marriage and shattered dreams.
LIE #1: A Christian man must be God’s best choice of a mate for me.
First of all, just because a man calls himself a Christian doesn’t mean a thing about his spiritual condition. Hitler probably professed to be a nice guy. What really shows a man’s faith is action—not trying to get you into bed until you are both wearing a ring; initiating his own personal relationship with God and encouraging yours as well; and especially holding his feelings back in the relationship to allow God to lead. God’s choice of a mate for you is going to be a godly man, and if you listen, God will tell you through an active prayer life and the counsel of other godly influences whether this is the one He has picked out for you.
LIE #2: If it feels right, it is right.
Feelings are unreliable. Don’t trust them, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. Feelings change day by day, and they can lie to you. Women who rely on them to make important decisions are going to be extremely disappointed, making one mistake after another. The decision must be made objectively and prayerfully. Sexual sin in the relationship will cloud objectivity and good judgment.
LIE #3: I can overlook a few character problems (a.k.a. red flags)—no one is perfect.
If a man has glaring character defects, it is likely that he is not teachable. Teachability is the number one character trait you should look for in a potential mate. I am not talking about normal struggles or mistakes, but habit pattern sins or dysfunctions that control their lives and that they are not open and contrite about. If a man is teachable, he will humbly listen to God and to his future wife when making decisions. He will be willing to work at his future marriage.
LIE #4: I really know him after spending so much time talking to him.
Phone and heart-to-heart conversations are no substitute for real life situations. He can tell you anything you want to hear while hiding behind a phone. But get him with his family, or behind a rude driver, or at a restaurant getting poor service, and then you begin to see what kind of a person he really is. A wise woman will wait it out awhile to observe his responses in every possible difficult and awkward situation.
LIE #5: He always tells me the truth.
If you think that then you don’t know most men in this world. Most men are very good at telling women what they want to hear in order to get what they want—sex. Pressure for sex from a “Christian man” should be the number one indicator of a dishonest man with underlying bad intentions and hidden motives.
LIE #6: Coincidences are a sign from God.
Satan, the master liar and counterfeiter, is cooking up coincidences to get you off track, so beware! He doesn’t want you to wait for God’s best. He wants to handicap your services for the Kingdom by getting you to settle for a miserable and empty marriage. Ask for godly counsel from objective bystanders, pray hard, and stay intent upon God’s will and not your own.
LIE #7: It’s normal for him to pressure me for sex. That’s just how men are.
True godly men live to please God and not their own selfish desires. They honor women as the treasure they are, treating them with absolute purity as Jesus would have done. They care more about the purity of their Christian sisters than a quick thrill for the moment. Sex before marriage is a sin and if a guy is pressuring, he doesn’t care about what God thinks and he doesn’t care about you either.
LIE #8: There are many quality romantic perfect men out there, just like in the movies.
Women have so filled their minds (and hearts) with Hollywood ideals about men, two tragedies have resulted. First, no man could ever live up to that fictitious standard so they are unfairly compared and criticized. Secondly, a woman in the beginning stages of a relationship can tend to fill in missing information about a man with imagined ideals before she even knows him. She ends up “falling in love” with an idea, not a person. When the man begins to show signs of human weakness, she is disappointed but holds onto the relationship hoping the man she first imagined will return. The few real quality men out there are the ones who are living to please God. You will need God’s help to find them.
LIE #9: When I find a man and get married, I will finally feel happy and complete.
If that’s true, why are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man—especially one who is not God’s best for you—will even come close. When the excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were single.
By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very best man that God wants to give us. A great example is my friend. She ended up getting out of that wrong relationship and listening to God for direction in her dating life. A few weeks ago, I attended her wedding. Just before she walked down the isle, she closed the door of the little room behind the three of us.
“We need you to say a prayer for us,” her eyes radiated happiness.
It was the beautiful sentiments of the groom—God’s best for her—that showed the day to be what I had hoped for her all along. “Yes, please pray for us. It’s the only way to begin our lives together. The day just won’t be right without it.”
I couldn’t have agreed more.
Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit: Waiting for God’s Best After Failed Relationships and has written articles for other publications such as Marriage Partnership, Brio & Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project for teen girls. To order the book or to find out more go to www.julieferwerda.com.
"I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Martin Luther
This was so clearly a word that God had for me right at that moment. A lightness came into my heart. I realized that I have tried and tried to hold onto relationships. I have tried to do things on my own and it just does not work, I lose every time. I took that moment to pray and thank the Lord for His best.
When I got back to work my brother had forwarded me an email on Christian relationships that was so good!
18 LIES - a 2-part devotional
***
9 Lies Men Tell Themselves About Women
Julie Ferwerda
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
So you’re wondering … what does a woman know about what guys think? I just so happen to have some great male perspective for this article, namely from my insightful husband, Steve. But also, I used to be the woman in some of these points, so I also know how women play on men’s weaknesses.
Christian men and women in the dating world are met with so much wrong thinking in their relationships. It’s my hope to help you identify certain destructive lies in your thinking before it is too late.
LIE #1: She’s flirting with me because she thinks I’m great.Truth: While it seems innocent and fun, flirting is not a behavior that women who are trying to attract the right kind of man indulge in. Most women who flirt are looking for attention, not just from one certain great guy, but from any who will give them the attention they crave. Why? Likely she either has a poor self-image and she’s searching for ego strokes, or she is desperately looking for approval that she didn’t receive from her father. The trouble is, flirtatious women often have a hard time leaving that trait behind when they get married, and they inappropriately (and dangerously) continue to search for the approval of men long after “I do.” Also, women who need this type of attention can tend to be high maintenance in relationships, always craving more attention.
LIE #2: She doesn’t realize what her revealing clothes are doing to me.Truth: More likely than not, when she bought those clothes she was thinking about how you (and every other man) would drop his jaw when she walked by. While many women don’t realize the extent of men’s visual stimulation (since it’s quite different than women), most know exactly what they are doing to you. It’s called putting you under a spell to get what they want from you. Proverbs calls this a “seductress” with clear warning: “a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.” Proverbs 23:27-28
LIE #3: Her lack of faith won’t pull me down.Truth: Solomon, the wisest man and king who ever lived, fell for this lie. Believing he was smarter than God gave him credit for, he stubbornly ignored God’s warning not to marry the pagan women of other nations because they would turn his heart after their false gods. Sure enough, that’s exactly what happened—and it cost him greatly. In the end, he walked away from his faith. So if the wisest man who ever lived, the one who had been visited by God himself on two different occasions and who even built God’s temple, wasn’t strong enough to stay devoted to God while going after unbelieving women, how could you be any different?
LIE #4: She’s clingy, but I like to be needed. She’ll settle down once we’re married.Truth: According to studies, men thrive on being needed, but this can backfire because many women out there are desperate to get married for the wrong reasons. A woman with “emotional gaps” will put expectations on you that you’ll never live up to, no matter how much time, love, or words of encouragement you give her, because she has mistaken you as the answer to her longings. After the wedding, you’ll disappoint her because you can’t do or be enough, and she may turn to other things for comfort—food, other men, alcohol, or shopping, to name a few. Depending on you occasionally for emotional support, or to help with certain things (like changing her oil or mowing her lawn) are great, but when it comes to emotional neediness, it’s a red flag and it’s not going to get better until she gets help.
LIE #5: If she knew who I really am, she wouldn’t want me.Truth: This fear motivates men to tell women what they want to hear instead of being open and honest about who they really are. When this happens, the relationship is built on a lie, increasing the chance of relationship failure later on. It also increases a man’s anxiety over exposure and rejection, creating a cycle of deceit. The woman you’re dating deserves to know exactly who you are and what kind of person she’s agreeing to love. It’s not fair to give her false hope. As an example, going to church with her before you are married or pretending to be a spiritual leader, with no intention of continuing later, is not an honest representation of yourself. If she is a good match for you and she’s operating under grace, she’ll love and accept you, warts and all.
LIE #6: She wouldn’t just date me for financial reasons.Truth: Think again. A woman’s greatest need is for security, according to studies. That doesn’t mean that all women are gold diggers, but you have to search out motives. There’s many a financially distraught woman thinking that getting married to someone financially stable will solve all of her problems, whether or not the man is right for her. Watch for a few factors. Does she manage her own money well? Is she stable financially on her own? Does she display expensive tastes out of her budget? Does she focus on her lack of finances or on your comfortable lifestyle? If you are concerned, be sure to approach this matter privately with a qualified pre-marriage counselor (her pastor?) for some objective help in discerning her motives. This may sound harsh, but you don’t want to risk marrying a woman who only loves your money.
LIE #7: When I marry her, my lust problem will be solved.Truth: This is a frequent misconception for men who are waiting to have sex until marriage. They think, “When I’m able to have sex with my wife, I won’t be tempted by pornography or dwell on lustful thoughts anymore because I’ll have an outlet for my sexual energy.” I think honest men will tell you that marriage did not solve their lust problem. In some cases, it aggravated it. This is due primarily to the fact that lust isn’t a sex problem. It’s a heart problem. And just like a fire, when you begin to feed it, it gets hotter and hungrier, not satisfied. When a man gets married, he may be even more focused on sex and can still feed his lustful thoughts with images and fantasies. The only answer is to starve the fire of lust to make it eventually die down. Flee, as the Bible says, from sexual temptation.
Many men also go into marriage expecting their wife to be a sex goddess—ready for a romp 24/7. Relationship problems, low sex-drive, busy schedules, interruptions from kids, and physical problems can all contribute to marital sex not being as plentiful as you hoped.
LIE #8: She nags, but what woman doesn’t.Truth: Frequent nagging is a control problem. If you want to be mothered for the rest of your life, then go ahead and accept the challenge. If not, either make sure she deals with her control problem before marriage, or move on until you meet up with a more relaxed woman who doesn’t need to micro-manage your life.
LIE #9: Her past is her past—I don’t need to know.Truth: Wrong! Her past becomes your past. You need to dig during the dating relationship to see if there are any big issues lurking in the deep waters beneath the surface. What was her relationship like with her dad? Has she ever been sexually molested or abused? How have men treated her in past relationships? How has she treated men in the past? All of this you need to know now, or you could be shocked and deeply affected later when huge roadblocks and past skeletons emerge in her sexual or emotional intimacy.
*******
9 Lies Women Tell Themselves About Men
Julie Ferwerda
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Sitting across the table from my beautiful friend in the quaint coffee shop, my worry mounted. She was sharing details about her new whirlwind relationship that had begun a couple months earlier.
“I finally met that guy I’ve been talking to on the Internet. After calling and text messaging constantly for the last two months, we decided to take it the next level—so we met half way last weekend. It was amazing. He’s perfect for me! He is so kind, smart, funny, dynamic … he is too good to be true!”
Exactly! I thought to myself.
“And did I mention he is financially secure? Not that money is important.” Her apparent excitement said the opposite.
“Is he a Christian?”
“We met at an online matchmaking site!”
“Is everyone on that a Christian?”
“Well … he hasn’t really been going to church—but he definitely loves God.”
Saddam Hussein claims to love God. “How do you know that?”
“He told me so! I just know God brought us together.”
“You’ve only known him for two months. Why do you think God brought him into your life?” I had to pinch myself under the table not to sound condescending.
“Because … it just feels so right when we talk. We have so much in common. He really loves me.” Oh, oh. I can see we’re in trouble now. …
“So … since he’s such a great Christian guy, I’m sure he didn’t try to get you to sleep with him. I mean, he’s protecting your purity and all, right?” I had a bad feeling about this guy already. My cynicism was beginning to show.
“Well … he’s not legalistic about it. I mean, we are adults and he said as long as we’re committed to each other it’s the same as being married.” Her own convictions had seemingly evaporated overnight.
“So if you know each other so well, what are his weaknesses?” Besides not being a Christian, trying to get you into bed at the first chance, and being a liar.
“He might be just a little bit compulsive. Is it normal for a guy to ask you to take off your shoes before you get into his car? But I guess I don’t mind too much … he has so many other great qualities, what could be so bad about that?”
I’d had conversations like this with women dozens of times. In fact, for most of my own life, I was the one lying to myself. If anyone knew the lies women tell themselves to justify getting into bad relationships that led to bad marriages, it was me. And now, my precious friend, the one with whom I had discussed these lies with over and over, was falling into to them much too easily. I began to pray that she would see the truth before it was too late.
What about you? If you are still trying to hold out for God’s best but you find yourself identifying with some of the conversation above, read on. It’s not too late for you to begin identifying the lies you tell yourself so that you can avoid an empty marriage and shattered dreams.
LIE #1: A Christian man must be God’s best choice of a mate for me.
First of all, just because a man calls himself a Christian doesn’t mean a thing about his spiritual condition. Hitler probably professed to be a nice guy. What really shows a man’s faith is action—not trying to get you into bed until you are both wearing a ring; initiating his own personal relationship with God and encouraging yours as well; and especially holding his feelings back in the relationship to allow God to lead. God’s choice of a mate for you is going to be a godly man, and if you listen, God will tell you through an active prayer life and the counsel of other godly influences whether this is the one He has picked out for you.
LIE #2: If it feels right, it is right.
Feelings are unreliable. Don’t trust them, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. Feelings change day by day, and they can lie to you. Women who rely on them to make important decisions are going to be extremely disappointed, making one mistake after another. The decision must be made objectively and prayerfully. Sexual sin in the relationship will cloud objectivity and good judgment.
LIE #3: I can overlook a few character problems (a.k.a. red flags)—no one is perfect.
If a man has glaring character defects, it is likely that he is not teachable. Teachability is the number one character trait you should look for in a potential mate. I am not talking about normal struggles or mistakes, but habit pattern sins or dysfunctions that control their lives and that they are not open and contrite about. If a man is teachable, he will humbly listen to God and to his future wife when making decisions. He will be willing to work at his future marriage.
LIE #4: I really know him after spending so much time talking to him.
Phone and heart-to-heart conversations are no substitute for real life situations. He can tell you anything you want to hear while hiding behind a phone. But get him with his family, or behind a rude driver, or at a restaurant getting poor service, and then you begin to see what kind of a person he really is. A wise woman will wait it out awhile to observe his responses in every possible difficult and awkward situation.
LIE #5: He always tells me the truth.
If you think that then you don’t know most men in this world. Most men are very good at telling women what they want to hear in order to get what they want—sex. Pressure for sex from a “Christian man” should be the number one indicator of a dishonest man with underlying bad intentions and hidden motives.
LIE #6: Coincidences are a sign from God.
Satan, the master liar and counterfeiter, is cooking up coincidences to get you off track, so beware! He doesn’t want you to wait for God’s best. He wants to handicap your services for the Kingdom by getting you to settle for a miserable and empty marriage. Ask for godly counsel from objective bystanders, pray hard, and stay intent upon God’s will and not your own.
LIE #7: It’s normal for him to pressure me for sex. That’s just how men are.
True godly men live to please God and not their own selfish desires. They honor women as the treasure they are, treating them with absolute purity as Jesus would have done. They care more about the purity of their Christian sisters than a quick thrill for the moment. Sex before marriage is a sin and if a guy is pressuring, he doesn’t care about what God thinks and he doesn’t care about you either.
LIE #8: There are many quality romantic perfect men out there, just like in the movies.
Women have so filled their minds (and hearts) with Hollywood ideals about men, two tragedies have resulted. First, no man could ever live up to that fictitious standard so they are unfairly compared and criticized. Secondly, a woman in the beginning stages of a relationship can tend to fill in missing information about a man with imagined ideals before she even knows him. She ends up “falling in love” with an idea, not a person. When the man begins to show signs of human weakness, she is disappointed but holds onto the relationship hoping the man she first imagined will return. The few real quality men out there are the ones who are living to please God. You will need God’s help to find them.
LIE #9: When I find a man and get married, I will finally feel happy and complete.
If that’s true, why are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man—especially one who is not God’s best for you—will even come close. When the excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were single.
By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very best man that God wants to give us. A great example is my friend. She ended up getting out of that wrong relationship and listening to God for direction in her dating life. A few weeks ago, I attended her wedding. Just before she walked down the isle, she closed the door of the little room behind the three of us.
“We need you to say a prayer for us,” her eyes radiated happiness.
It was the beautiful sentiments of the groom—God’s best for her—that showed the day to be what I had hoped for her all along. “Yes, please pray for us. It’s the only way to begin our lives together. The day just won’t be right without it.”
I couldn’t have agreed more.
Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit: Waiting for God’s Best After Failed Relationships and has written articles for other publications such as Marriage Partnership, Brio & Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project for teen girls. To order the book or to find out more go to www.julieferwerda.com.
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