5 minutes

I can't even say I'm trying to slow down. I specifically cleared today from any type of scheduled activity, except for Abs and Booty at Sassy Girl.

I have plans every evening, every weekend, and when I looked at my calendar yesterday I admit I felt slightly overwhelmed. Writing takes a back seat when life is busy because I'm so busy living that I don't often have time to sit down in front of a computer. Plus I have to sit in front of the desktop at home to write and some days it moves faster than others!

May 16 we celebrated my nephews 2nd birthday. 2 years are flying by! I am amazed at how much he looks like my brother and my Grandaddy. Out of respect for the wishes of my brother and SIL I don't post pictures of my nephew. I have 500+ FB friends so I can understand why they don't want me posting pictures. Although my IG is smaller I still just keep the pictures on my phone to show off when I'm with someone in person who would be interested in seeing his cute little face!

I'm currently on a 30 day sweets and bread fast. When my prayer list grew really long I realized it was time to really hit my knees and I also felt lead to fast. I had brownie for breakfast on the Sunday morning after the party and as I was praying I felt Holy Spirit telling me to fast. I responded but I already had brownie for breakfast. The response back, I hadn't yet told you to fast. So 30 days. I'm already seeing some incredible answers to my prayers. I love watching God in the details, it's incredible!

This week I'm supposed to have dinner with Tiff tomorrow night, dinner with Renina Wednesday night, a retirement party on Thursday night, a concert on Friday night, dinner with Karen on Saturday night and then the Brad Paisley concert on Sunday night.

Have I mentioned that I also met someone? Renina had asked if she could set me up. She said I know you won't do online dating but what if someone knew someone. A few weeks later I get a phone call asking if she can give this really nice handsome guy my number. Since the divorce was already filed and about to be final I said yes. Then I promptly gave it back to God.

He called me a day or 2 later. He called me about a week after that. He was supposed to text some dates but he never did. Since I had already given this up I didn't have any feelings one way or another. He seemed nice but I was letting God have it so I don't have to feel like I need to control anything.

Renina asked me if I had heard from him, and I said that we had talked twice but that the actual meeting had fallen through but it's totally understandable since he is as busy as I am. She wanted me to reach out to him and I was like no absolutely not. I promised God I would not do anything the way that I used to and that included chasing after a date.

He called me that night, I have no idea if she said anything and I didn't ask him. We set up a date. I met him the Thursday night before I left for my Heart Quest. He is super nice. Very handsome. Very easy to talk to. He has friends from all stages of his life. He likes dogs and country music.

He texted me while I was on my HQ to say he hoped I was having a good time. He knew I wouldn't have access to my phone. So I texted him back when I got home and he was on his way to Taladega. He is a big NASCAR fan.

So we texted when he got back from that and ended up eventually setting up another time to meet. I met up with him last Sunday and we had a lot of fun. He likes Mexican food, which of course is one of my favorites.

I like him, a lot. I've also given this to God. I've promised that I won't do things the way that I did them before. I won't chase him. I will enjoy any time that we hang out but I'm also aware that this will likely not be anything more than a really fun enjoyable friendship. I'm not saying that in a pessimistic way I'm saying that because I've established accountability people in my life.

I've learned over this past year that it is possible to not have a man. I've learned that it is possible to live out a life that honors God. I've learned a lot over these past several  years. When I was on my HQ there was a teaching regarding intimacy, purity, and the beautiful gift that sex is. The hard part is, it's designed for in marriage. Before my marriage I believed this to be mythical. Now I know it's not mythical. I also recognize it's not a popularly held stance. Plus there is the whole, you know what you're missing out on factor and that makes it just downright challenging.

I've accepted that I might not ever meet someone who holds this same stance. Since I'm not going to announce this on the first date, second date, or jump into a relationship I realize that I'm fully having to trust God that if He wants to bring someone into my life He's going to do this. Until then I will just give all this up to Him and trust Him because I know He is a good Father.

The truth is my salvation, whether or not I go to heaven, isn't based on what I do. I'm saved because I've confessed that Jesus is Lord of my life and I've asked Him into my heart. Nothing I can say or do is going to save me. I was and am a sinner and it is only through and by the grace of God that I can be saved and reconciled with Him. So this particular choice is based on my understanding of the way God designed things to be and the reasons behind his directions and I can accept that just like in all the areas of my life where He is in control, I'm also going to let Him have that same control of my dating life. I have accountability partners because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not something that is done solo.

So I'm enjoying the fun hanging out with this super nice, super good looking, super fantastic guy, and I'm fully aware that if the conversation comes up if it even ever gets to that point I will be saying a very fond good bye, and I'm good with that.

This past Saturday I met up with my friend Nicole at a place on East Blvd that was amazing!!!! Bakersfield is an all a'la cart taco joint. Each taco is $4 so it's not exactly cheap, but it's not ridiculous either. We thoroughly enjoyed it! They have fresh made margarita mix that is fabulous! They also have a really delicious beer selection.

Yesterday I went to the prayer service and then I had my small group;. It ended up being a really long day, I didn't get home until 5. Today I've been trying to figure out Itunes and my phone. Law have mercy it should not be this complicated but I am having issues figuring out how to get songs off of my phone.

I did figure out the picture thing!

Happy Memorial day all!

The turning point trip

2 weeks ago tonight is when I was absolutely panicking and flipping out about my decision to go on Heart Quest. I heard about this a while back from my friend and then she had told me fall of 2014 that Spring Heart Quest would be the last week of April and May 1.

The truth is I determined that I would either go to HQ or the trip to Israel depending on taxes and my bonus. The taxes and bonus fell far short of the Israel trip so I knew that Heart Quest would be where I would be going. I registered on the Friday night, after I filed for divorce. That following Monday or Tuesday I got a surprise refund check from the bank that was just over the amount of my registration. That was confirmation for me that I was definitely supposed to be there. As a side note for years D had someone after him about going on a Quest trip and he had all kinds of reasons why he couldn't go.

Fast forward to Friday of last week and I was throwing that confirmation out the window and declaring that there was absolutely no way I could leave work for 5 days. I would be buried when I got back and there were just too many things I could accomplish if I just took a staycation and didn't go.

My friend did not explain the cancellation policy when I texted her, rather she gently talked me off the proverbial ledge. Friday at work I was in tears, not in a noticeable way but in the sitting in front of my computer monitor wiping away tears because I was so overwhelmed. God showed up in the email that I got from my Dad about one of the items I was worried about being taken care of (I needed the title for the car I just sold, my Dad thought I got it in the mail, it turned out it was the title for the new car but at the time that was one less thing to be concerned about). Then I got the email from one of the event leader, that had gone to my junk mail, explaining what to expect. None of the other emails before or since have gone into my junk mail folder. By the end of my work day Friday and driving home I was in a much better place.

Then I got home and I had a bill from the lawyer waiting for me. Because D had contacted the lawyer for proof of divorce I had to pay an additional $315. I was beyond livid. I was the kind of angry that thrummed throughout my entire body. I was about to go over the edge. I had already planned to go to church that night so I kept that plan because otherwise I was going to revert back to old habits and eat everything in sight and go throw it all up.

I went to church, I worshipped. I drove home, I was still ANGRY! I had a healthy amount of vodka and went to bed.

Saturday morning I woke up. I found quotes about forgiveness. I went to bikini bootcamp and worked out hard! I drove to Winston Salem and helped Patrice with her new house. I drove home and realized I had to pack and I had no idea how to pack for a week away when I had no idea what to even expect. They sent a list of what to bring but I was still at a loss. Give me a business trip or trip to see friends and that's easy. I travel all the time. This was completely different. This was completely out of my comfort zone!

Sunday morning my parents went to church with me. Then we went to lunch. Then my parents took me to the church to drop me off. It is a different church then the one I attend. My mom wanted to make sure I had no way of not getting on the bus. I lost my voice at lunch on Sunday. I knew once I got on the bus I would be fine but this was so far out of my comfort zone, going someplace I didn't know, going with people I didn't know (except for my friend who told me about the event who was serving as staff), and being gone for 5 days, what had I signed up for!

Once I got on the bus I got my voice back shortly. The week was beyond anything I have ever experienced. I've explained it best when I say I met God face to face and toe to toe. I'm awed that He called me out and that I was able to have this experience! It was a mix of downtime, time in group, time alone, and a time to really connect with my Heart Quest sisters. For me it was a completion of the things that God has been doing in my life over the past several years. For others it was a completely different type of experience with God. But I know that each of us can say we met God face to face and toe to toe. I am AWED by how amazing He is!

I wrestled the anger out with God and He healed all the hurt places remaining from my marriage. There is no trace of bitterness, there is no trace of anger, there is simply this amazing wonderful freedom and knowledge that I am His and He loves me and He has a purpose and plan and He is more than enough for me!

Friday on the bus ride home I told my friend who had told me about HQ that D had had someone after him for years to go on a Quest. I knew that D is friends with her husband and I told her that I don't want any information but I want them to continue to reach out to D and encourage him to go on a Quest. I don't want to know if he goes but I want them to continue to reach out to him.

When we returned home on Friday I was ready, it was bittersweet to say goodbye to everyone but I was ready!

I had a race on Saturday morning, I placed first for my age division. It was a small race but still the fact that I was first in my age division was SO COOL! I was so excited. I've run so many races but Saturday morning there was a different kind of freedom in my running and it was incredible!

Saturday afternoon I attended the party Amy had for Audra at the bead store where I had my party. It was so much fun and I loved spending time with them!

Saturday after the party I rested.

Sunday morning I was going to sleep in but God woke me up for the prayer service. Driving to the service I very clearly heard that I was to tell D that he could come back to the Concord church and exactly how I was to say it. I told the Lord I would go to the prayer service and if I was still supposed to send this message then I would.

After the prayer service I knew I was supposed to send the message. Here is what I sent.
I'm not looking for a response. I got home from my heart quest on Friday. I was driving to the prayer service this morning and I am going to say this as the Holy Spirit has directed. If you want to come back to church it's up to you. I will request that if you see me you make no attempt to approach me at all. Go the opposite direction of where I am. If you choose to return please apologize to those you attempted to manipulate and control. I never have to see you again we are completely done as if it has never happened. But I know that you have gifts that God has given you. I know that if you would be willing to surrender to God and go on a quest God would meet you there. I don't want to know if you go. I don't want any contact from you at all. I love A and she is beyond precious. God deserves your best and A deserves a dad who is not a controlling manipulative liar. I will storm heaven for A's sake and that includes praying for her father."

I then had to send a message to the pastor and counselor. I had to confess and apologize for jumping to a conclusion when D contacted the lawyer for proof of divorce. I then shared the message that I sent.

We had a guest speaker on Sunday who was absolutely amazing! He's written a book called Unqualified. I knew that I was to buy the book for D. I had nursery so I sent the message to the pastor and the counselor before I went to nursery and after nursery I bought the book.

I had the author sign it. This was such a God detail, he wrote, D are you and drew and arrow down to Unqualified and signed his name.

Monday I asked my coworker/friend if I could use her return address as my name could be no where on this. I was simply being obedient to what was being asked of me but D would read more into it than what it was.

She gave me her address and I mailed the book on Monday. I got a text yesterday asking me if I had someone send him a book. I did not respond. A little while later my friend who had told me about HQ and been on the trip with me sent a text asking if I had sent the book. I thought he had texted her and she said no he hadn't texted her in months but that he had posted about it on FB. She sent me screen shot. I have him blocked so I don't see anything that he posts and he can't see when I tag my friends.

I told her about what I had done and that I know that what God has done for me is indescribable and I'm not going to stand in His way.

This week at work has definitely been a lot but I have not been as buried as I thought I would be. God definitely worked out the details every step of the way!

I've been on go since I got home and this weekend is no exception.

I rejoice at His goodness! I'm so thankful that I have this life that I have!