New Things

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20... In a previous post I talked about a friend of mine who met her now husband thru her mother in law. She was getting a pedicure and these two ladies sat down beside her and they began to talk and the friend of her future mother in law said wouldn't she be perfect for your son. So they called him and he and my friend talked and then emailed and then met in person. She moved down to Florida, they got engaged a few months later and were married in January of 2007. It's one of my favorite stories because to me it's a real life example of what God does when we truly give it all up and allow Him to work in our lives.
I had a conversation yesterday with my Mom where I apologized for not being entirely truthful. She said that they love me (she and my Dad) and they just want God's best for me.
In so many ways I'm facing beginings. I understand that a new chapter is unfolding in my life. I'm excited, I'm looking up, I'm to quote one of my favorite songs right now, "giving in to God's gravity"..
The primary prayer that I pray for me right now is that He will show me the direction I'm to go in and open the doors that lead the way. For someone who has always wanted to maintain control giving up control and letting go is a new experience. Having to wait on God to show me His direction is another area that is a new experience. I've been one of those instant gratification kind of people. When I look back on what that's done for me, it's A LOT easier to understand why it's important to wait on the Lord and move in the direction that He leads!

SATC

As I'm sitting here watching the movie I'm struck by the plot in a new way. "I can't believe it happened" Carrie in the drug store as she is talking to Miranda and sees the Vogue issue. As I watch this single, again, I just am struck by her emotion. Immediately after the wedding that never happened all she can do is sleep and that is all I could do last year. The kind of sadness that comes when a significant relationship ends can only be felt by truly experiencing it. I'll never forget driving home from a bobcats game and silently sobbing. Shortly after I finally went to therapy. The past year has been about figuring out who I am, figuring out where I went wrong, and learning that while it hurts I still can't give up on love.
One of my favorite scriptures if 1 Corinthians 13. The other is Jeremiah 29:11-13. I have finally learned that I have to seek the Lord's plan for me in order to truly be happy. I also have realized that if I do have someone in my life they must love the Lord with all their heart, mind, soul and strength because that is the most important thing. In life we have to put Him first in order to understand where we are supposed to go.

Perfect Numbers

So I've gone back to working part time as a restaurant hostess. I'm working at one of the best restaurants in Charlotte. I can honestly say I really like this job. I also had forgotten about what it's like to have all the server cover counts (number of guests per server) come out perfectly. When you walk away at the end of the night and all the numbers have worked out the feeling of accomplishment is like none other. To look at the board and see that perfect break down of server/guest is just awesome!
So now after 2 nights of FABULOUS numbers I'm home enjoying my copy of Sex and the City the movie. I also found gas today, I waited in line for an hour (before 9 am) but it was worth it to have a full gas tank again. Hopefully the gas situation in Charlotte goes back to normal soon cause this gas shortage is ridiculous!

Money

If you read the news today the main topic is the billions of dollar bailout that the government is trying to agree on. The economy has been on a steady decline for a long time now. There has been a lot of money spent where there was no actual substance behind it. I know that over the past several years I too have been guilty of living well beyond my means. I was generous with others and myself. I've talked about this in previous posts. We've been a nation consumed by instant gratification. When you pursue this there is only thought for today and no thought about the future repurcussions.
In Charlotte this week we've experienced a gas shortage. Cars have waited for extended periods of time just to get gas at the pump. We had 2 hurricanes back to back that affected our ability to have the regular gas supply brought in. Then because people panicked it actually did make the problem worse. Hopefully the gas trucks will arrive today and tomorrow and things will start to go back to normal.
I read all this "news" and the prevalent thought... God is in control. While everything would seem to just be spinning out of control I know that He is present. I'm amazed that things continued for as long as they did and now we are all having to suffer for what essentially boils down to greed. We pushed for bigger houses, bigger cars, bigger toys, and all this requires money. Growing up my parents worked hard! They put my brother and I thru private school and then my Grandaddy paid for our college. They all set examples of what it is to live frugally. I resented this message! Growing up I never looked good in clothes and I didn't really have that many anyways. So after I got out of college I wanted to live it up, and oh did I! But the reality is I'm now seeing my own finances blow up. I'm working a 2nd job not so that I can have fun money but so that I can try and work my way out of the hole of debt that I am in. I've cut out having my nails done, shopping, travelling to visit friends, dinner out, etc... My desire is to be financially stable again so that I can actually put my money into things like adopting a child, outreach ministries here in Charlotte like the radio station that I listen to all the time, I still have the desire to give but I don't have the resources to actually be able to do this right now.
With the presidential election looming I have heard repeatedly that we need a change! So many people think that change is going to come by having a different political party in control of the white house. I just can't believe that to be true. I think it's going to come when everyone starts taking responsiblity for what has been going on and everyone focuses on what we can do to make our economy strong again. The blame game is not going to benefit anyone!

Continuing Ed

So as a NC insurance agent I'm required to take so many hours of yearly continuing education for insurance. This year I've actually had quite a bit more hours than required b/c I have been going after my CISR designator. Today I'm in class for Flood, which we just finished and I'm on lunch and next up is ethics. I'm hoping ethics is slightly more interesting than flood since this morning I was STRUGGLING to stay awake :) I like the instructor a lot and have had him for other classes. He does a great job, it's just the topic that will put anyone to sleep!
The good part is I got to sleep in this morning and I'm not actually in the office, always nice when there is a change up in the middle of a week! I'm also happy that my roommate left this morning, I get my whole house to myself til Friday, WHOOHOOO!!! Course I'm working Thursday, Friday and Saturday night so while I definitely appreciate having the house all to myself I'm not going to be there that much...

Hurt

I had coffee the other night with a friend of mine and a statement was made about how none of us realized how hurt he was.
This hit such a nerve. Understanding that this is something else I have to let go of first I've got to put these thoughts out. My first mistake was dating someone who was not divorced, I would never do that again. It is the worst decision you can make. Then I made the mistake of giving up what I believed in by moving in with him. It went against my own values but I did this anyways.
After I moved out again I felt that the foundation was crumbling. Perhaps this was all in my head but there was so much going on at the time and I didn't know how to handle it all and I am not good at verbal communication. We broke up, to get back together, for me to be told not to bring up the marriage topic again. For someone who was clear from the begining that this is what I wanted that was cruel. This just goes back to I should have ended the relationship when he told me he never wanted to get married again. But when he said those words to me I was already in love and thought he would change his mind. Turns out he did just not with me.
But back to the story. So thru out the summer we continued on. Unintentionally he hurt my feelings a lot. I bottled it up, didn't say anything. When I would try to talk about it I either couldn't communicate effectively or I was shut out.
I have bad habits. There were existing things before I ever met him that I needed to have dealt with a long time ago. I would drink too much, this is something that I've done since college I understand that it's not the right way to deal with things but it is what it is. Another factor that I didn't deal with was the eating disorder. I faced it after the fact but he never knew that this was going on, if you don't know that someone has the issue then you're not looking for any signs of it. As things between us grew, and this is my perception, more tense I was definitely retreating to that habit more and more.
I've apologized and apologized and begged for forgiveness both immediately after walking away and then months later. For all the mistakes that I made I take full credit for them. What hurts me is that I'm perceived to be a manipulative liar and this horrible person. I honestly did so much that I can't understand why he would believe that except when my friend pointed out none of us knew how hurt he was it hurt me all over again. I have to give this up to God and let him heal the hurt that still exists from all of this. God has already brought someone else into his life who is awesome and for that I'm so happy. I prayed for that all along. In my own life over this past year it has not been easy. I can say that I know myself better than I ever have before but I think that is because I'm seeking the Lord more than I ever have before.
Jeremiah 29:12-13 "12) Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13) You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
If I hold onto all this inside then I'm not truly letting it go. It's been covered by the blood and I am free the old things are no more and God is definitely doing a new thing I just don't know what it is yet.

Spark People

So a friend of mine introduced me to this website where you keep track of the food you eat thru the day. It automatically adds up your fat and calories to help you understand exactly what your caloric/fat intake is thru out the day. Then it also tracks your fitness. Now this is awesome b/c so much of the work is done by the program and it really is eye opening when you start to keep track of what you are consuming. One of the first things that I learned is I was drinking a ton of my calories and by simpling eliminating liquids other than water I can have way more actual food! However, there are days when I really resent having to keep track at all. I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel good about myself. Obviously I'm going to feel better about myself if I am the dress size that I want to be. Really I understand that it is neccessary to be healthy. It's just sometimes, every once in a while, I wish it didn't matter quite so much.

Letting Go

Over the past few days I've had some interesting conversations. There has been so much of my past that has shaped my present. The primary focus has been seeking after what I wanted. I finally have been able to say, it's better to let it all go. in Psalms there is a scripture that says "better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." Ultimately I don't know "best". Complete joy comes from following and seeking after what the Lord wants for me.
I've said I let it all go, this is a process. I know that I have to keep my focus up I can't look down b/c then I'll become discouraged and unable to move forward. Romans 10:11 "As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame." If I put my trust in Him then I have nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter what other people think. I have been set free because Jesus paid the ultimate price for me and I am able to live in that freedom.

Sunday's Message

Over this past week I've been thinking about my life's direction. Today's message, slaying the giants. First David talked about David and Goliath and how David was so angry at Goliath for making Slur's against God. Then about how the Israelites were too scared to go in after the promised land b/c the men came back talking about the giants. How Caleb and Joshua were talking about the great land and grapes. Then Caleb, once finally able to enter the promised land went directly to the mountain where the giants were. At 85 years old he still knew that his God was bigger than the giants! How amazing is that? I mean really think about how big God is, bigger than all the giants in our lives... But here in America sometimes we're a little insulated...
On October 10 at Forest Hill they are having a Women Under Construction event. Now I LOVE LOVE LOVE these events but unfortunately I'm going to be in Pittsburgh.. The event this evening is special b/c there will be a fashion show. When David and Marilyn were in the Sudan they found out about the Amani ministry. The ministry is now coming over to the States to DC, Charlotte and Orlando. These women have seen the worst genocide and horror and family slayed in front of them. This ministry takes these women and restores their hope and value. They make clothes and jewelry that is beautiful. They have truly had to face bigger giants then I could ever begin to imagine. Then after Marilyn spoke about the Women Under Construction event David brought another gentleman on the stage. This was the founder of the Samaritan's Feet Ministry. This ministry provides shoes for children who may have never ever had a brand new pair of shoes. He is originally from Africa and he played college basketball and then did really well in technology. He went home in 1997 and saw all the children and came back with a vision. Now the vision continues on to provide millions of shoes to children. The thought that comes to mind is to whom much is given much is expected.
So then David talked about Forest Hill and where it's going and then he said "and You" what giants are you facing. Are you living life in a rut? Do you believe that God really can slay your giants?
Right now I'm facing the giant of financial date. Bad decisions, being too generous with money I didn't have. All this along with an economy that is in a bad place has combined to find me in a place where I have nothing left to give. I tithe, b/c I understand even the money I don't have is God's. But there is so much more I would like to be able to do that right now I can't b/c all my money is tied up.
Today I had the stongest feeling that my life is moving in a new dirction. While this really does excite me, it's also a little overwhelming. For someone who likes to be in control. For someone who has never ever been good about giving things up and leaving them there... The vision I saw is that I'm standing on a precipe but instead of looking down I need to be looking up. No matter what happens I believe that if I continue to look up then all the giants in my life are not a factor b/c God is bigger!

1 year out

I was reading back over something I wrote this time last year and I think I'm finally ready to post this. I would write this and then fall back into old habits but now that I read it again I know that more than ever I truly believe that the only way to find joy is to seek after the Lord with your whole heart.
Thoughts on Faithfulness September 2007
Whenever I go through something particularly difficult I’ve found more and more that I fall back on what I was taught as a child. Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” So looking back over the past year I’ve come to realize that I hurt someone else badly because I was selfishly seeking my way. I disregarded Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I wanted my way and I wanted it yesterday and instead of waiting on God I tried to push my way. Instead of following the exhortation of Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” I focused on my current life here. But God is faithful and even when we make a mess out of our lives he still wants us to pick up the pieces and move on, but to move on by living for Him. This life of mine for the past 18 years has been all about what I wanted. I decided when I was 10 that everything was negotiable. I was hearing all this teaching but really I wanted to have fun, it wasn’t cool to have to follow all these rules I wanted to experience “Life” I wanted to have fun the way the world had fun. I didn’t want to acknowledge God unless it was on my terms. Especially through college and once finished with college. I wanted a job, and to find someone and to have a family and I wanted all of this on my terms. I pursued the life that I wanted for myself. I can’t say I didn’t have fun but that kind of fun comes at a price. I look back at some of the guys who have hurt me so badly and I allowed that to happen. I allowed that into my life because I wasn’t living my life the way that I knew that I should. I tried to fill up the empty places in my life with things and with fun and I sought relationships that were projects because I felt like I didn’t deserve to have that “perfect Christian guy”. I felt like because of my past I was not going to be worthy of the love of someone who was a Christian. I grew up in private Christian schools, I believed the guys who I had gone to school with represented all Christian guys. I wasn’t even going to try to meet a Christian guy to date because I felt like he was going to be horrible and close minded. I believed he would judge me for the past decisions that I’ve made. I went the opposite direction and specifically dated guys who were not religious. But then when you start trying to think about a future with someone you start realizing how important it is to have similar view points on faith and religion when you’re thinking of merging two lives together. This became even clearer to me after my last relationship. I’d never dated someone who was going through a divorce, as well as fighting for custody rights. I had no idea what I was signing up for when I started the relationship. As we went through different challenges I found that I fell back on my beliefs. He attended church with me every week and while we were both there I was repeatedly feeling convicted for not living my life the way I knew I was supposed to. We went through so much together and I truly did love him. I never believed that he was the one for me but I thought he was the one I was going to marry. I tried so hard to measure up to everything he wanted and needed me to be. It wasn’t all at once it was a gradual process, when we first met I felt so loved and accepted for just me. Our relationship continued and I was told that I had things “to learn” “to figure out” but I was never told what these things were. I was trying to change but I didn’t know what standard I was trying to reach. I felt like nothing was ever enough. Finally it all reached a boiling point and the relationship ended. I walked away and hurt someone else but I vividly remember standing in the bathroom that morning and knowing that I had to get out! I ran and after the fact apologized but I just remember feeling that I was never going to be enough and I was never going to be able to make this person happy. The process of breaking ties so severely is something that is hard, harder than I imagined possible. Having never been so completely involved in someone else’s life I was unprepared for the hurt and pain it would cause. I believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know who that person is. I’m not sure how he will bring us together. I can’t worry about that, my focus now is on living my life the way I’ve been called to live. God is faithful, He is merciful and He loves us. I can’t just walk out of the situation without establishing for myself where I stand and what my beliefs and values are. Had I been more grounded in what my beliefs were I could have saved us both a lot of heartache. When I met my exboyfriend he was a spiritual seeker. He and I talked about what we believed and thinking back to our conversation I remember skirting around my values, I mean yes I went to church but I still had “fun” and of course I would be having sex because that is just something you have to do when you’re in a relationship. If I had at that moment taken a stand and said that because I believe what I believe I won’t be having sex with you he and I never would have dated. I would have been saved all the heartache because I would have been living my life the way God has directed me to live. But I wasn’t there yet and it would take several months before I began to understand that God has a purpose for telling us to wait. Through March and April the sermon series at Church was “Imperfect Harmony” it was a whole sermon series on dating and relationships. I moved back out of his house and into my own house after I heard the message on saving your marriage before it starts and not living with one another. The reason you shouldn’t is because it’s a sidestep to the real commitment of marriage and people go ahead and get married and never deal with those issues and then they get married and nothing changes and then they get divorced. I thought it was a mutual decision when I moved out but I would later find out that he only agreed to it because it was such a big deal to me. He felt like it was necessary to live together before marriage so you could see if you were compatible. He never understood the incredible guilt I felt over the situation. When we broke up the first time in May it was because we were at such different places he was nowhere near ready to get married again or have a family. He told me that I still had things to learn and that broke me. I told him it was over. We got back together but then I was banned from bringing up the subject of marriage. It was rocky for several weeks and I was miserably unhappy. There was so much I desired for my future and we were no longer at the same place, his divorce had just been finalized and he was trying to deal with all that emotion. I was trying to be understanding but I had no way of being able to identify with all he was going through. It just got progressively worse between us, I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and then we had a conversation about keeping things fresh and I realized that he had experienced things that I would never be willing to do and I was never going to be enough for him. I bolted it was what it took to make me realize that it wouldn’t work between us. I cried and begged for forgiveness for 2 days but he couldn’t forgive me and said that if the trust was so lacking in our relationship that I couldn’t talk to him then we didn’t need to be together and he was right. I couldn’t talk to him, I’d quit being able to talk to him about the same time that I moved out of his house. We’d been through so much together so fast and I kept waiting for the guy I first met to come back. I kept waiting for that funny caring guy to re-appear and for everything to be the way that it was and that just was not going to happen. So I found myself sobbing and through the tears God’s voice was so very clear to me, “I love you, I’m here for you, I’ve never left you, I don’t change, I want my best for you” In the darkest hours and through the tears I knew that God was there. I knew that my Heavenly Father cared and wanted His best for me.
Through the pain and the heartache I realized I needed to figure out what was important to me. Why do I believe what I believe? Ephesians 2: 8-10 “8) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9) not by works, so that no one can boast. 10) For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We have not earned our salvation. God’s grace is why we have been saved. No matter how hard we try we can never work our way into heaven. We have been called to be a light unto the world. Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” We are to be living examples of Christ’s love in the world. John 3:16-18 “16) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17) For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18) Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.” The battle has already been fought and won for us. When Jesus died on the cross he enabled us direct access to the Heavenly Father. Jesus gave His life so that we might live life eternally. This is why I believe what I believe. I know that I have a Savior who loved me who gave his life for me. I believe what Romans 10:9-13 says “9) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10) For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11) As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame." 12) For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13) for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." All we have to do is call on Him, and He hears us and we are saved.
Now that I’ve established why I believe what I believe now I have to look at where I’ve been. I’ve never been very good at dating relationships and in looking back there was a key factor in why they didn’t work. I dated men who were focused on this life. Many of them didn’t really have any spiritual background or if they did it was very traditional and something that they pulled out maybe for the holidays. The weekend my exboyfriend and I broke up was Labor Day weekend. Everything happens in God’s perfect time, I spent the whole day Saturday with my Mom. The message at church that Sunday was about the chains of anxiety that keep us from running the race, it was such an incredible message and I heard it first at the 9 AM service with my friend Laurie then I stayed for the 11AM message because my friend Karen was there. She and her husband Dave were baptizing their little boy Evan that Sunday and it worked out that I was able to hear that very powerful message twice. Monday, Labor Day, I spent the day with my Mom and my Godmother Aunt Linda. In God’s perfect time I was surrounded by people who love me and care about me and have been praying for me all along. What a blessing it was to know that even though my heart was hurting and the path that I believed I was going down had been ended God wanted me to know that He had a better plan for me. When I would call my friend Patrice with various things that were happening her question always remained, “do you really think this is God’s best for you?” That question always stayed with me and I would think about it then push it off. I loved him, I loved his little girl and his family I felt like this was what God had provided me. It wasn’t until that final conversation when I realized that I would never be enough that I realized that this really wasn’t what God had as His best for me. Through the pain and the tears and the begging for forgiveness from someone who was not going to forgive me I knew that God was there.
Where do I go from here? Proverbs 3:5-6 “5) Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6) in all your ways acknowledges him, and he will make your paths straight.” The Bible is very clear on how we are to live our lives as Christians. Galatians 5:22-25 “22) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23) gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24) Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25) Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” In all things we are to offer praise 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18
“16) Be joyful always; 17) pray continually; 18) give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”
When I’ve thought about eternity before I know that it exists but I’ve always pushed it to the back of my mind. I’m by no means old but time goes by so fast now. I know that the time here on earth is passing and that God has another life for us once this life is complete. Psalm 84:10 “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” We are called to praise Him and worship Him because He is worthy of our praise. Psalm 150: 1-5 “1) Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. 2) Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. 3) Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, 4) praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, 5) praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. 6) Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.” God is faithful to all generations. Psalm 100:1-5 “1) Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 2) Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. 3) Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. 4) Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. 5) For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”
I don’t know what my future holds but I do know that God is in control. I do know that I have to trust Him in all things. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I read back over this I realized I was finally ready to actually post what I believe because it's time for me to stop making excuses and really hold onto the truth.

Single Life

obviously it was my choice to break up with the last boyfriend. Well truth be told I've ended the last couple. I sometimes wonder if I'm forever sabotaging myself but with this last one I can honestly say I just couldn't see a future with someone who doesn't believe that God created the world and everything in it and who thinks that Adam and Eve are just a story. To me that is disturbing and if they are just a story then the whole book is questionable.
The message at church yesterday was about being a thermostat and not a thermometer. We our told in our society that happiness is the most important thing. But really happiness is based of the circumstances around us and no one can be happy all the time. Joy is something different. Joy is internal, something we choose for ourselves. When we have Jesus in our hearts then we have the joy of the Lord within us. This would be how Christians who are battling cancer are able to remain positive. This is how Christians who are going thru lifes struggles know that they have hope.
When I started dating the last guy I had specifically said that I would only date someone who was a Christian. What I didn't understand was that wasn't speficic enough. What I needed to say was I wanted to date someone who has a personal relationship with the Lord.
All along I have maintained that I have lots of friends whose viewpoints differ from my own. But when it comes to who I spend the rest of my life with I do not want to be in constant disagreement over what they do and don't believe.
Part of the message yesterday our pastor brought up the fact that he hears a lot of married people saying if I was just single I'd be so much happier and then he hears a lot of single people saying if I was just married I would be happier. The reality is no person can make you happy. People search for this elusive happiness with someone not understanding that there is only one who has the answer for all of life's answers.
I'm having to relearn my thought process and be content with where I'm at now. I have a good job. I have wonderful friends. I have to be content with my life and know that He provides for all my needs.

Pulled From People Magazine Online

On this 7th Anniversary of that fateful day, I think it's important to remember!
September 24, 2001
Vol. 56
No. 13
Black Tuesday
Erupting on a Crisp September Morning, Terrorist Attacks Bring America to a Standstill—And Take An Unthinkable Human Toll

From PEOPLE Magazine
And so the time had come, the moment the nation, somewhere in its unconscious, had been dreading for so long. Though the U.S. had been bloodied by terrorism in the past, nothing had ever provoked such a sense of crisis before, the feeling that the entire population was at the mercy, even for a moment, of a nameless, faceless threat. For the present generation, it seemed, Tuesday, Sept. 11, might well go down as its own Day of Infamy. Indeed, as a result of what many world leaders described as no less than an act of war, the nation came to a virtual standstill. The President and his family were spirited away to safe havens. For the first time ever, all of the nation's airports were closed. The New York Stock Exchange suspended trading. Disneyland in Anaheim, Calif., and Disney World in Florida were evacuated as a safety measure, and the Emmy Awards scheduled for Sept. 16 were postponed. Baseball and Broadway were both canceled until further notice. The suicide attacks began when a single passenger plane, hijacked en route to Los Angeles, slammed into New York City's World Trade Center at 8:45 a.m. Within 20 minutes a second plane struck the towers. Another dove into the Pentagon and a fourth plummeted to the earth outside of Somerset, Pa. In the end, the Twin Towers of the Trade Center, the symbol of America's prosperity, had toppled, and the Pentagon, the seat of its military might, was smoldering, inviting the instant comparisons to Pearl Harbor. But while World War II was a battle for national survival, the conflict against terrorism is something more subtle and limited—a struggle to preserve national values. Not that anyone was about to concede those, even in the wake of such a catastrophe. As President Bush, speaking from the Oval Office the night of the attacks, put it "Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America." But there was no denying the enormity of what had happened. It looked to be days, if not longer, before the toll in deaths, injuries and property loss could be added up. At any given time, there are roughly 30,000 people working and visiting the Twin Towers. Many had escaped before the buildings collapsed, but it was clear that hundreds or thousands had not. Chilling images captured on video showed desperate employees leaping to their deaths from office windows. What's more, hundreds of emergency workers—fire, police and EMS technicians—had entered the buildings after the initial explosions to help with the rescue. As a result of their heroic efforts, at least 300 firefighters were lost, while the police said that more than 70 officers were missing. Early Wednesday morning New York area hospitals were reporting thousands injured. At the Pentagon, there were reports of 800 dead. And there were a total of 266 crew and passengers aboard the four airliners involved in the incidents. As of Tuesday night, conservative estimates said that more than 2,000 had lost their lives in the overall attack. Some government officials privately admitted that the number could ultimately exceed 10,000, a figure that did not seem excessive given the scope of the destruction. Amid the grief, the attacks raised a host of vexing questions. How could a nation that spends $25 billion annually on intelligence gathering be caught so flat-footed, especially in the face of what had almost certainly been a long-gestating and logistically complex plan? How could the Pentagon especially appear so defenseless against a direct attack? How could four commercial jetliners be hijacked almost simultaneously? And what immediate steps could be taken to prevent the same thing from happening tomorrow? Or the next day? Or the day after that? The answers were far from encouraging. "It demonstrates that there's no such thing as total security," said Gen. Sir Michael Rose, the British officer who led the peacekeeping mission in Bosnia. "They are ruthless; they are prepared to kill themselves to achieve their ends. Nowhere is safe." It certainly did not seem that way early Tuesday morning. All along the East Coast the weather was beautiful—abundant sunshine and mild temperatures. At precisely 7:59 a.m. American Airlines Flight 11 left Boston's Logan Airport for Los Angeles with 92 crew members and passengers aboard. Within minutes of takeoff, however, something strange happened. Instead of climbing to its cruising altitude and heading west, the Boeing 767 made a sharp left turn to the south. From there the aircraft bore down on Manhattan. At 8:45 a.m. the plane slammed into the top section of the 110-story north tower of the World Trade Center. A massive shudder ran through the entire structure. "It felt like an earthquake and it actually knocked you out of your seat," says Anthony Bellomo, who works at Garban-Intercapital, a brokerage firm located on the 25th and 26th floors of the building. "The building was shaking and all you saw was debris coming down. Everyone looked at each other and said, 'Go! Go! Go! Go!' " A few floors down, sprinklers came on, drenching everything. Within minutes the stairwells, which were illuminated, were teeming with people making their way down. For the most part the procession was orderly, with little pushing or shoving. But it quickly became clear that the ordeal was not over yet. Eighteen minutes after the first crash, a second plane, this one United Flight 175, also originating in Boston and bound for Los Angeles, with 65 crew and passengers, came streaking into the south tower. The action was so deliberate that officials concluded that the hijackers had their own trained pilot aboard. By one account, the five hijackers who got on the planes in Boston started killing flight attendants in order to get the pilots out of the cockpit. The terrorists apparently had no guns, but used crude weapons—plastic handles mounted with razor blades—for their attack. In any case, the tactics worked. "As soon as we got outside, that's when we heard the second plane coming in and hit 2 World Trade Center," says Bellomo. "People were on the ground, they were burnt, they were gone, they had no clothes on. You didn't know where to go. All you heard was the police saying, 'Don't look up! Don't look up!' Then you're looking up and you're seeing people jumping out of the buildings. I saw at least 15 people jumping." Witnesses later described seeing people on fire, including a man and a woman holding hands, plunging to their deaths. As huge plumes of smoke filled the skyline of Lower Manhattan, the terrorists opened a new front in their assault. American Airlines Flight 77, scheduled to fly from Washington to Los Angeles with 64 people aboard, was apparently hijacked by men brandishing knives and box cutters moments after its takeoff at 8:10 a.m. from Dulles International Airport. Veering around, the aircraft took dead aim at the Pentagon just 26 miles away, crashing into the western facade of the structure at 9:45 a.m. "When it hit the building, it just swallowed it up—there was absolutely nothing left," says Laura Hallock, director of operations for USA Hosts, an event destination company, who was driving past the Pentagon. "It just went over so fast, at top speed, straight into the building. I got out. Everyone was staring at the Pentagon. There weren't any screams. Everyone was like a zombie picking up cell phones. Deer-in-the-headlights silent." Less than a half hour later, an emergency dispatcher in Pennsylvania's Westmoreland County, near Pittsburgh, received an extraordinary distress call from a man on a cell phone aboard United Airlines Flight 93 out of Newark and headed for San Francisco with 45 people, saying that the plane had been hijacked. The man, who was not identified, stayed on the line for about a minute until his phone was apparently out of range. Moments later the aircraft went down in a wooded field near Somerset, Pa. It was unclear what had happened, but by one account, another passenger, Tom Burnett, 38, a California businessman, phoned his wife, Deena, and said, "We're all going to die, but three of us are going to do something." He signed off with "I love you, honey." Authorities believed that the plane intended to double back and hit a target in Washington. Meanwhile, in New York, pandemonium had gripped the financial district around the World Trade Center—the target in 1993 of terrorists who set off a bomb in the basement, causing more than $550 million in damages and killing six. Thousands of people were fleeing through the streets. A few citizens began directing traffic to maintain some order. But many were simply transfixed by the sight of the Twin Towers engulfed in smoke and flame. The massive 1,250-ft.-tall structures appeared at first to hold. Then at 9:50 a.m., the south tower suddenly began to collapse, one floor pancaking the one below. Forty minutes later, the second tower crumbled in a hail of debris and the cry of twisted metal. With those awful crashes, the nation was truly sent reeling. For a time, a sense of quiet panic set in. There were false reports of a car bomb at the State Department. The White House was evacuated. Authorities immediately grounded the estimated 30,000 U.S. commercial airline flights that take off each day and diverted some incoming international flights to Canada. For a while even the whereabouts of the President were unclear. He had begun the morning in Sarasota, Fla., where he was to address a group of grade-schoolers about reading. In the wake of the attacks he was believed to be heading back to Washington to oversee the crisis. Then he turned up at Barksdale Air Force Base near Shreveport, La., where the military maintains a heavily protected facility with a secure link to the nation's armed forces and nuclear weapons. The First Lady, Laura Bush, who was on Capitol Hill, was taken to safety, and their twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were taken to secure locations at their schools. Tightening national security in the hours after the attack, the Navy sent the aircraft carriers the USS John E Kennedy and the USS George Washington steaming toward the waters off New York City. In his remarks later in the evening from the Oval Office, President Bush vowed to bring those responsible to justice. "The search is under way for those who are behind these evil acts," he said. "We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them." Given all the circumstances, the immediate assumption was that the attacks had a Middle East connection. While there were no immediate claims of responsibility, the roster of likely masterminds for such a complex operation—organizations or governments with the money, expertise and desire—was fairly small. Iran and Iraq were obvious possibilities, as were the militant groups Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad. But in the opinion of many terrorism experts, as well as government officials, the prime suspect was Osama bin Laden, 44, the renegade Saudi millionaire who has already been indicted in this country on charges that he engineered the Aug. 7,1998, bombings that claimed 224 lives at two U.S. embassies in Africa. Ever since that foray, bin Laden, on whose head the United States has already put a $5 million bounty, has played a game of cat and mouse with U.S. intelligence. Nearly two weeks after the embassy blasts in Africa, the United States attempted to kill bin Laden with a missile attack on his headquarters in southern Afghanistan. He survived and has remained at large. More recently, he was believed to have godfathered last year's suicide attack on the American destroyer Cole in Yemen, which killed 17 sailors. Through it all, bin Laden has maintained an implacable hatred of the United States. "Hostility toward America is a religious duty," he said in an interview with TIME two years ago. "I am confident Muslims will be able to end the legend of the so-called superpower that is America." His continuing close ties with the Taliban, the extremist Muslim rulers of Afghanistan, has long been a source of irritation to Washington. On the night of the attacks in the United States, the Afghan capital of Kabul was the scene of a series of apparent explosions, but they were possibly the result of factional fighting rather than any retaliatory strike. Whatever the case, it seemed likely that sooner rather than later the U.S. military would attempt to punish those responsible. Over the past decade the United States has been forced to grapple with increasing levels of terrorism. In light of the most recent attacks, the bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, which at the time loomed as a huge event, seems like a relatively simple affair. The rented van that detonated 1,000 lbs. of homemade explosives in the parking garage jolted the south tower. But the building was quickly repaired and within a week police had broken the ring of Islamic fundamentalists behind the attack. Eventually six people were convicted in the bombing, including international terrorist Ramzi Ahmed Yousef. Even Timothy McVeigh's horrific bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995, which killed 168, could at least be ascribed to nothing more than the mad impulse of a disaffected loner. The events of Black Tuesday are clearly something far more unsettling, a difference in kind as well as degree. "This is a psychic trauma to our nation. This is worse than the Oklahoma City bombing because it's on a much greater scale," says Dr. Stefan Pasternack, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University, where he specializes in the impact of terrorism and murder. "It's one thing to think of a truck blowing up in front of a building. This involved the use of civilian aircraft—the imagery is much more frightening. What we see here is what terrorism is all about. The idea is to make people feel that they cannot feel protected by their government." In that sense, the bombers achieved a large part of their aim. As wrenching as the scenes of the second hijacked aircraft hitting the south tower were, it was almost worse when cameras had a chance to survey New York's financial district around the Twin Towers. More than anything, the area resembled the bombed-out streets of the Middle East that have become so distressingly familiar on the evening news. Indeed, several hundred Palestinians on the West Bank turned out to hand out candy and gloat over the destruction being broadcast around the world. "This probably exceeded the terrorists' wildest expectations," says Ted Galen Carpenter, vice president for defense and foreign policy studies at the Cato Institute in Washington, D.C. "I'm sure they expected some of their plot to be foiled." Aside from deterring any further attacks, the most pressing matter in both New York and Washington was saving any of the survivors still trapped in the rubble. There were reports that victims had made calls on their cell phones. Teams of doctors and rescuers converged on both the Trade Center and Pentagon sites in hopes of digging out some survivors. Inevitably, among the dead were some prominent victims. David Angell, 54, the executive producer of Frasier, and his wife, Lynn, 52, were on one of the ill-fated flights out of Boston. And television commentator Barbara Olson, 45, phoned her husband, Ted, the U.S. Solicitor General, shortly before the plane she boarded at Dulles International hit the Pentagon. If there was any hint of salvation in the tragedy, it was in the response of those who reached out to help. In the suburbs of New York, residents quickly set up phone chains to ensure that schoolchildren whose parents might have both been in the city had a place to stay until they made their way home. The Red Cross reported that blood centers in the Northeast were filling with people eager to donate urgently needed blood. "Lots of people have even been driving down to New York and the Washington area," says spokesperson Renita Hosler. But in the end, there was only so much that could be done. Nothing could alter the overwhelming sense of sadness and disbelief. Even Ivana McCoetter, who now lives in Florida but used to work in the World Trade Center on the 105th floor and survived the 1993 bombing, could not comprehend what she was seeing all day. "I got goose bumps all over," says McCoetter. "I'm waiting for someone to say, 'It's not true, it didn't happen.' "

I may be crazy, I may be sabotaging myself, I may have just made a huge mistake but I made the call. I ended my current relationship with the guy I've been dating. My current favorite song is Natalie Grant's "I will not be moved" I just don't think I would be fair to either him or myself to have continued on. In so many ways he was amazing but I asked the question Monday night (and yes this is extreme but I know what my answer would be) if you had an extreme islamic terrorist holding a gun to your head and telling you to deny you're a Christian would you? His response was I know what the right answer would be but God knows my heart and I would ask for forgiveness later. I truly believe that you have to be willing to die for what you believe in. Look at the early Christian church, what if those people had just said, oh God knows my heart I don't have to really die for this. American soldiers (in every branch) are willing to fight and die for this country whether they agree with the war in Iraq or not. Again I acknowledge I'm crazy and I will admit this could be self sabotage. He is a great guy. He is generous and he treated me really well. I have nothing bad to say about him. In fact we'll still be friends. I told him that while I have many friends with many different viewpoints I can't consider someone for my future whose views do not more closely align with my own.
This has all really put doubts in my own mind about am I being too harsh? Can you really be a Christian but not believe in creation or Adam and Eve? That's not the way I was raised or taught. Even boyfriends who didn't go to church all that regularly still believed in creation and Adam and Eve.
Dad sent me a message on seeking Righteousness. The message this past Sunday was on Phillipians 4:8. My Godmother forwarded me an email yesterday where they were holocaust survivors who met again in America, long story but it was really cool. All along I prayed that if he wasn't who I was supposed to be with that I would have a very clear understanding, or that he would break up with me. I broke up with him in the begining b/c I felt like he wasn't where he should be in his walk with the Lord. He refuted that and we continued to date. Then again we broke up but he had a good argument. I'm aware that our mistakes are the only thing we can truly call our own. The fact that I've just ended yet another relationship is in some ways disturbing to me. I never realized how hard it sometimes is to really be true to yourself but it's not really being true to myself but to what I believe.
Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight"

Politics

I remember in 2004 feeling a great sense of hopelessness. I didn't even vote b/c I didn't feel I had an option. I know that's a terrible excuse and everyone should vote but I just couldn't see the point. In this election year I've followed closesly what has been going on. I'm excited to see the recent developments. I've found myself leaning more and more towards the McCain Palin ticket. In fact I'm excited about it! Part of this may be b/c I'm seeing the campaign thru the eyes of one of McCain's daughters, Meghan. She has a blog, www.mccainbloggette.com. I've seen the travels and meetings and most recently the Republican National Convention from a behind the scenes perspective. Every time I go and see new pictures and things that have happened I become even more enthusiastic. I do think that this is a year of change. I do not think voting for McCain will be bringing more of the same. I think the McCain/Palin ticket best represents what I want to support.
I had an interesting conversation with a conservative friend of mine last night. For so long on the abortion issue I've held to the fact that for me personally I believe that it is murder but I also think that every woman should have her own choice. But my friend and I both agreed that there are only 3 circumstances when it could really be ok, rape, incest, or possibly if the child or mother was in danger of death. For me the third I still would not be willing to go through the procedure. I've thought about it at length and I feel very strongly that God is always in control. She made a good point, the democratic party that is so in favor of the woman's choice, ultimately murdering the innocent life she carries is the same party who is so adamantly opposed to the death penalty. The death penalty would put convicted murderers and individuals behind bars until they are put to death for their crimes against humanity. What a good point that I had truly forgotten about.
In my desire to not step on toes and remain neutral for so long I'm starting to realize that I'm not holding true to what I really believe. When it comes down to it I think abortion is wrong. I think that in order to truly teach abstinence only in school there should also be lessons about consequences for having pre-marital sex. If you choose to sleep with someone, or several people you run the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy. Is it any wonder that there is so much of this happening. Turn on the television to one of the "hot" teen shows. What's the story line? Gossip Girl is one that comes to mind for a show that thrives on who's sleeping with who and doing whatever with whomever. I myself have been a long time fan of SATC but really if I think about it perhaps I should check this. The message in church yesterday was on Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
It would seem that if I really want to start making a difference in this world the overhaul might just need to start with me.

and it's official

the engagment between the guy who changed my life forever and the woman who has changed his life forever. It's bittersweet. I've prayed that he would find someone just like her, I think she's probably everything I prayed for for them. I understand who I am now. I understand that I would never date someone going thru a divorce again. I understand that I lost who I was in that relationship and I now have a better understanding of what it takes to maintain your own sense of self while still compromising. My prayer for them is that they will always put God first and that they will be wondefully happy. Her comment to my friend is that she is incredibly blessed to have him in her life and that is so true. God doesn't make mistakes. Last year when I was sobbing I knew that I had done the right thing. I knew that God had a purpose and a plan not just for me but for him as well.
For me I'm in what I consider a scary place. I'm only a year away from 30 and I'm not married, I haven't started a family. I have to give it all up to God and really let go and let Him have the control.

Politics = Sports

I come from a conservative background. Obviously my viewpoint has been shaped by how I grew up. I've always understood that sometimes things are just not black and white. I've never really dated anyone who follows the political arena as closely as my current boyfriend. Previous boyfriends were sports fanatics. They had to watch whatever sport was on and they were passionate for whatever team it was that they had been lifelong fans of. I was used to always coming second to fantasy football, football, baseball, basketball, NASCAR. It just went along with the type of guy that I had dated.
When the current relationship began I did have some misgivings about dating someone who is a staunch democrat and always has been. To me, being more conservative than not, this is something where I have to decide if despite our political differences can we still make it work. Through out the democratic national convention I listened. I read the articles. I paid attention to the view points. Now I have to admit I was blown away by McCain's choice of VP. When I got her name I started reading up on her. I truly think she is amazing! She is a real person. The media is going after her full throttle b/c if anyone would truly admit this, she is a threat and a contender. I've heard so many times that he wasn't thinking, that he lacks judgement, that she is only a heartbeat away from the presidency and has no experience. OK I hear all that but I still like her I still think she is amazing and I really lean towards the Republican ticket b/c she is someone who I feel is real! I also think that even though she has no experience she will surround herself with people who are able to advise. I may not know a whole lot about politics but I do know what I believe and what I stand for. The VP candidate has been an open book. She hasn't been hypocritical, she's been very honest. I respect Obama for saying family is off limits. She has a 17 year old daughter. As a daughter of conservative parents I know that at 17 my actions were my own and my parents were left out in the dark on things I knew that they wouldn't have approved of. She is standing behind her daughter, she is showing love and support. I just feel very strongly that she is a woman who can do this. McCain is not an idiot despite this being the popular consensus amount liberal press. I think he found someone who can make a difference. She is relatable. I'm really having to work to not be offended by comments that I'm hearing or reading. I guess this is all more prevalent b/c of the fact that my current boyfriend listens to all political news all the time right now. It's really hard for me to get away from it. Because I do care I guess that is the other difficult part. I finally point blank told him that while I am still undecided he needs to figure out if he will be ok with someone who will often disagree with his political viewpoints. It is one thing to differ from your friends on political viewpoints, it is quite another thing to differ from your significant other on these topics.