working through the thoughts

Sunday night I had the guy I briefly dated 6  years ago contact me. That night, for whatever reason, it triggered a dream about D, blech!!!!

I kept the conversation brief with the guy I had dated 6 years ago. I found out the following day from a mutual friend that his wife cheated on him after 2 months and moved in with the guy she cheated with.

I had 2 different people ask me about dating yesterday. I'm certainly ready to date but because of how I did things before I've promised myself that I will not do the online dating thing. I also don't want to go out "looking" for anyone. The one person who was asking me about dating is wanting to go out "looking" to meet guys. I just am not at all in that place. I understand that she and I are in totally completely different places. She's never been married, she has hibernated for the past however many years and now she is ready to broaden her horizons. Which is great, for her.

This all leaves me feeling unsettled. I'm trying to move past it. I have acknowledged that I will chase after God with everything I have. I have accepted that His plan might be that I stay single, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay in His will. So I keep praying and keep seeking Him and I let go of these thoughts that have been unsettling me this week.

A week ago tonight a man walked into a church in Charleston and killed 9 people. The response from the church has been an outpouring of love and forgiveness. It has been a blessing and precious to see. It has also opened up dialogue about gun control, racism, hatred, and symbols of hatred.

I grew up in the South. I heard growing up that the Civil War was about northern aggression and states rights. I heard that the confederate flag was a symbol of heritage. I heard that slavery was not "so bad". Except as I've become an adult I've read articles. I've read books. I've learned about the Civil Right movement. I find that just about everything I read from Martin Luther King Jr. is  profound.

The churches I've been a part of these past 11 years are churches where the pastors talk about what the church should look like. The staff from the pastors to admins to accountants to the various roles are men and women and from different backgrounds.

My coworker friend and I have had conversations, honest conversations, about talks she has had with her son. We've talked about when he is out late she worries and she has to remember to trust God because her son has big hair and likes to wear hoodies.

This week I've had friends post things on FB that I find absolutely appalling and I've literally cringed in reading it. Maybe they don't have friends who worry for their sons because of how the world is for young black men.

I know that there are 2 sides to every story. I know that there are extenuating circumstances. I know that police officers do the best that they can and they put their lives on the line every day. I am thankful for them.

I just know that I have black women in my life who I love so very much. I know that they have sons that they love so very much. I know that they have worries for their sons that my mom never had to have for my brother.

My beautiful friend has been followed around stores because of the color of her skin. Never in my life, ever, have I been followed around a store because they thought I might walk out with merchandise.

For me over the past 11 years my views and perspectives have changed because of the friendships that I've made. I acknowledge that we live in a really broken world. I acknowledge that there are people who work the system and people who would shoot me for being the wrong color. But my concern over this happening is exponentially less than my friend for her son.

I cried when I read the article that Governor Haley in SC was calling for the Confederate flag to come down from the state capitol. Why? Because it's time. Because no matter what anyone wants to argue that flag is a symbol of hate and oppression and it's time for it to go.

I am thankful for the way that those who have lost loved ones have not responded with hate but rather with great love. What a beautiful example!

I've been praying and I will continue to be praying. I am thankful that through all the chaos, and all the uncertainty God is an ever present refuge. He is the strong tower. He is God and He is faithful and He is always good. Even when evil seems to have prevailed for the day God will still be glorified and the light will still overcome the darkness!

Progress

Clearly over the past few years I’ve done a lot of growing. I can look back and see and recognize how far I’ve come.

I didn’t expect to get divorced; this was not part of my plan. I’ve accepted that it was necessary and I had no choice but I refuse to move forward and allow myself to repeat any old patterns.

I dated A LOT before I got married. I recycled guys, often. I realized that while I did online dating, and I pursued finding someone, I did not chase. Once I met them, for the most part, I did not chase after them. Or maybe in some ways I did but overall if they were not into me they were not into me and I moved on. Of course because it’s me there were a few exceptions to this, moving on.

The guy who I had the opportunity to have a first “after divorce” date was supposed to have gone with me to the concert but he got food poisoning. He’s super nice! I’m thrilled I had the chance to meet him! I liked him. I followed up with him afterwards to make sure he was feeling better but after that week I didn’t reach out again. Chalk it up to timing, or life, or whatever, but I haven’t heard from him and I am perfectly ok with it.I would go back and do everything exactly the same way. I’m so thankful that I had such an awesome “out of the gate” experience!

I got a FB message last night from a guy that I dated in spring 09. He called me clingy (for the record with him I wasn’t actually clingy). I knew he had gotten married so I wasn’t sure why he was reaching out to me. In response to his “hey how are you” I said fine, congratulations on getting married. To which he said yeah it didn’t last long.

I wasn’t trying to encourage conversation (especially since he was married as of earlier this year) so I just said “oh I’m sorry.” It was a brief dialogue and then he signed off. I was curious, so I reached out to my friend who was actually the one who kind of introduced us (long story). I asked her what the story was. Turns out he did get married and 2 months later she cheated on him and moved in with the new guy, and she has 2 kids…

For whatever reason since finding out this detail at lunch time today, my old “need to be a fixer” habit has surfaced. Oh how sad, I should reach out again (NO). Oh that is so disappointing (yes it is but this is not your circus, not your monkeys, leave it alone). I clearly have a grasp on what is and is not healthy. Reaching out to someone who is going through this type of situation – not healthy!

Progress, not perfection, and fortunately for me I’m far enough along in my journey I can let go and let God and thank God I am where I am! I’ve also reached the point where I’ve realized I am actually ready to start dating but since I’m not going online it’s going to totally be a God thing if anyone comes into my life!

5 minutes

Last Thursday night I had the opportunity to have dinner with one of the ladies who was part of the staff for my Heartquest event. It was so nice having the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better.

I left from her house and went to the Awakened event at church. I don't think it's coincidence or an accident that the day I filed for divorce on February 5 there was an awakened event and the day that my anniversary would have fallen there was an Awakened event. It was an incredible night and being able to stand and fight for other women who are going through struggles in the valley, just incredible!!!

Last Friday night I went to the gym to run. It's hot enough right now that it's not a good idea to run outside. So I utilize the treadmill and make it speed training. Saturday I went to bikini bootcamp and then out to lunch with a friend of mine to a mexican place. I tried the coconut margarita, delicious!

Saturday afternoon I went with my mom to Charming Charlies I needed jewelry for my dress for a formal banquet. I found the bracelet, earrings, necklace, clutch and a pair of earrings for my mom for $32. Except for the earrings everything was on clearance. I love that place!!!

Sunday was church, church and then a nap! I went to an Airbonne party at Tiffany's. I really really do love the product but it's crazy expensive and I can use less expensive options. I did get another run in on Sunday evening!

Monday I went to chair fit, it was CRAZY hot! It was a good workout but I was definitely disgusting afterwards.

Tuesday night was the opening session of the National Society Children of the American Revolution Southeastern  Regional meeting. I hadn't been to a SE regional since 2005. It was so much fun to watch the skits and see the members interacting! I had to be at work yesterday morning so I missed the morning session of the meeting.

I left work yesterday in order to go home and get ready for the formal banquet that was last night. I had such a good time catching up with old friends!

I got both my dresses from the Dillards clearance rack. I loved them both and I know I'll be able to wear the Tuesday night dress many times over. The formal dress hopefully I'll have another fun event to wear it to, but it's likely I will just pass it along the next time I have a friend who has a formal event and they need a dress.

I'm home from work today because I knew I would be out really late last night and I had no desire to wake up at 4:45 when I knew I would be going to bed after midnight. Originally my plan had been to go down to the lake house but that got changed because as always life is crazy busy!!!

The blessing of moving forward

I didn't expect the days leading up to today to be quite so emotional. I knew when I started crying over the Brad Paisley song "She's Everything" that I was more off than I realized. I still love that song.

The good part about the emotions, none of them were about good memories. It was much more just the realization that it's all really over. I kept thinking about the things I learned after the wedding, how he was so ugly to absolutely everyone but whenever I was around the mask fell into place. I thought about how he remembered his daughter's mom's birthday that year but forgot mine. Because of the fact that none of the memories were good, it's actually an excellent indicator of just how well I'm doing.

He texted me a bit ago and said he was so sorry for what he put me through. I'm sure that he is very sincere. I've already told him that I've forgiven him so I feel no need to respond. I'm pretty sure he was only referencing his apology for the years we were married, and yet the year we were separated was as painful as the years we were married.

I was relieved to no longer be at the house but here was this person promising to love me and wait as long as it took, only to be trying to pick up women at church. Here was this person trying to tell me that celibacy and sobriety were his 2 words, when I got confirmation from his girlfriend that he was lying. Here was the person trying to tell me he would always love me and hadn't moved on and he proposed in December. 

I knew that I needed to leave. I knew that he would be engaged before the divorce was final. What I didn't expect was the lies during the year of separation. Because of those lies I no longer believe that he was faithful during our marriage. I no longer believe that any of what we had was of any significance. I'm not upset by this, it's just what I've come to believe and understand due to the evidence of his behavior.

I know that out of the broken God has worked beauty as only He can do. I have such an amazing peace. I'm thankful that I do actually still believe in love and marriage and that regardless of the negative marriage I experienced I see really good marriages that do exist. I don't have to hold on to any of this other than as a reference point for when I am in situations where my story might help to encourage someone else. I've had conversations and I've shared appropriate details of my story and the comments that I get, but you are so happy, you have such peace, how can you have had this happen? It's such a huge testimony to God and His faithfulness and how amazing He is!

Yes the days leading up to today have been a little sad but not overwhelmingly so. I've prayed, and praised and not allowed myself to hop on the what if, or if only wheel. Every devotional I've read has been spot on! Unquestionably I've seen His hand this week!

With this final calendar date being past me now there is a sense that it's really all finally done. I can let go, and look forward. I love knowing how far I've come. I have hope for the future and the knowledge that wherever God leads He is going to give me everything I need in order to fulfill His purpose and His plan.

typing out the thoughts in my head

My parents left for a week last Tuesday. This time around there was no huge drama that unfolded while they were gone. Last year when they left for TX was when I met that woman who felt it necessary to share every detail of conversation that she and I had with D as she was trying to maneuver her way into his bed.

Tuesday night I went to Sass Fit at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I went to a memorial service to support friends of mine who were saying goodbye to their friend. The friend that they were saying goodbye to had a severe asthma attack and was not ever able to recover. Her birthday is the day after mine, we shared the same name, she was 17 or 18 years older than I am. I unblocked D on FB because Concord is small and if they were friends I needed to be prepared to run into him. They were not friends so he was not there. Despite how far I've come and how much I've grown I have moments still and while I expect to see him occasionally at church there I know I am still very much shielded. If I had run into him at something like this I would hope he would maintain the distance I've established.

Thursday night I just hung out with Jack. Friday night I took Jack for a run. Saturday morning was bikini bootcamp. I also got a run in yesterday. Tonight I had plans to go work out. I took a nap instead. I think I'm struggling. I'm working on it. I really am. For the most part every day I'm doing really well. What would have been my 4th anniversary is happening on Thursday. I understand and accept that I could not stay in my marriage. I understand and accept that everything that has happened God has ultimately worked for His good and He didn't cause any of it but in the way that only He can He brought beauty out of the ashes.

It's just an odd feeling to know that 4 years ago I was preparing to walk down the aisle. I was preparing for a life, and ignoring red flags, and wholeheartedly believing that I was right where I was supposed to be and looking back and knowing the hell that unfolded in the weeks that followed it seems almost like a book I read except I've had to work through all of the trauma that I experienced.

Saturday evening I went over to my friend Nicole's for a little while and we hung out and talked. I took Jack and it had been a few years since he had hung out with her dogs but it ended working out just fine. Her Kahn really wanted to play with Jack and Jack was like, dude what is your problem. Jack doesn't know how to play with other dogs because he is used to being around his humans. It was good to talk to her, good to hang out.

I am in such an odd limbo when it comes to my life. In some ways things move on; every day I go to work, I have a busy schedule, I'm always on the go. I have friends and family, and I love where I am. Then there is the part of me that is stymied by the fact that I've ultimately ended up alone. All those fears about never getting married.the endless agonizing over what is wrong with me why have I not found anyone, and now I had everything on my list, and it was awful. Of course, my list was this, get married and have children, I got both in one day. I wouldn't trade the girl for anything in this world. I adore her. I'm thankful that I can still be a part of her life.

I know that there is a purpose and a plan unfolding. I don't doubt this at all. I'm faithfully moving forward with trying to get involved with working with victims of human trafficking. It's a slow process because my work schedule is not necessarily conducive to volunteering during the week.

The guy that I've mentioned, it's a situation where it's not even dating. We've met up twice. Occasionally I get a text message. I know the reasons why. I know that as much fun as he is and as nice of a guy as he is it's likely that we won't see each other again and I can accept that. I appreciate the fact that I actually had the opportunity to get dressed up and meet someone. Just knowing that I've gotten that first "date", although it wasn't really a date, out of the way is a really nice thing to be able to say I've done. In all honesty I used dating as such a distraction, and it was so much of my focus before I got married that having this much "me" time now leaves me having to constantly shift my focus. When my head wants to drift to the what if, what is going to, what will ___ look like I turn up the music or change the topic of my thoughts.

I'm learning. Every day is a new day. With having my parents gone and having my no longer anniversary fast approaching it's a process to stop the hamster wheel and allow the truths that I am loved, and cared about, and blessed and that my identity doesn't come from whether or not I'm married, what my job title is, whose last name I hold, but rather my identity comes from the fact that I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I'm made in the image of God and my purpose is to be more and more Christ like as I continue to grow and learn. Some days are better than others but every day His mercies are new.

The rest of this week is fortunately not crazy. Tomorrow night I have Sass Fit (circuits) at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I'm hoping for a run. Thursday night I have a ladies event at the Concord church. Friday night I'm hoping for a run. Saturday I have bootcamp. I'm trying to stay consistent with working out. I'm not sure why I've felt so run down and tired but I'm working through it!

It's only Monday, law have mercy! LOL! Here's to a fabulous week!

schedules and concerts and moments oh my

So I love how God works out the details! I felt a touch overwhelmed by my schedule last week. I had dinner with Tiff on Tuesday night and caught up with her. She had coupons to Moes so I didn't even have to pay for my dinner, which was awesome because free dinner is always awesome!!!

Renina had to reschedule on Wednesday so I got to spend the evening in. I contemplated a run but my calf muscle was weird so I decided to just rest it.

Thursday night my preschool teacher had a surprise retirement party. The pictures I was posting last Thursday were from the party. I grew up in a small school and I'm fortunate that so many of the teachers that I had are still a part of my life through social media. Getting the opportunity to see them in person is always special! Patrice came down for the party and I got to see baby W which made the night all that much better!!!

Friday night I took Amy to a concert at the Knight Theatre in Charlotte. John Mark McMillan (he wrote the song Oh How He Loves) was recording a live album. Brian and Katie Torwalt and Kim Walker Smith were there recording songs with him. It was an AMAZING evening of worship!!! Catching up with Amy was also really nice. Not having to worry about little ears was nice.

Saturday morning I drove up to Huntersville. The party that I didn't have to celebrate my divorce, unbeknown to me, the girls had all gone in together on a spa gift card. Even though I didn't end up having the party I still got to enjoy a spa day. I started with a facial. I've never had one before and it was lovely! Then a massage, again so lovely! I finished out the day with a manicure and pedicure. I stopped by WalMart on my way home for hair color, I figured I should just round out the day by covering the gray!

Saturday evening I met my friend Karen for dinner at Cajun Queen. The food was good, but I probably won't choose to go there again. There are other places in Charlotte that I think are probably way better where the prices are the same. But it was fun and awesome to catch up with her and she picked up the check to celebrate my divorce being final. I am thankful for such amazing friends!

Sunday I had the prayer service at 8 followed by the service at 9. Then I came home and took a nap. I got a run in and then it was time to get ready. While I was in church I got a voice mail followed by a text from the guy I mentioned in my previous post. Originally I bought Brad Paisley tickets in February as a groupon deal for Tiff for her birthday. Then she accidentally booked something else on the same day. I asked the guy if he would like to go and he was all over it because he is a huge Brad Paisley fan.

He was in a wedding on Saturday and either he got food poisoning or a stomach bug because he ended up at minute clinic on Sunday and they gave him an IV drip of fluid. He was in no shape to go to a concert. It's funny as soon as I saw he was calling I knew that something had come up. The old me would have been really upset. Of course the old me would have also written him off a long time ago because of the lack of contact.

I simply gave it up to God and tried to go back to paying attention to the sermon. Then he texted me and so I did reply to the text to let him know I was so sorry he was sick and that I hoped he felt better. He said he was going to see if he felt better and I told him that if I was in his shoes there is no way I could handle a concert no matter how much fun it would be. I told him that he didn't have to worry that this was something completely out of his control.

My mom is a huge Brad Paisley fan. She doesn't necessarily love lawn seats but I knew she would go with me. I'm so glad she did! We ended up having so much fun together!!! The people watching was fantastic and the all the bands did a great job! Brad puts on an awesome concert!!!

While I was there I saw a guy and for a moment I lost my breath, I thought it was Josh. It took me a minute to realize it wasn't him. Sometimes when I'm driving to High Point or Winston the tears still come. I would have thought I would be long past tears since that chapter closed so long ago. I know why it closed. I know that I made the right choice to close the chapter, but I still have moments where it hits me, like when I see someone and I think it's him.

I actually sent his mom a message today. It helped me to write it out. I adored his mom and I hadn't talked to her in a really long time. I'm sure my out of the blue message was a surprise but I'm glad I wrote to her.

I've had several friends lose family or friends over the past 7 days and I've been reminded that we are not promised tomorrow and that life is very short! I want to make the most of every opportunity and I want to live life to the fullest!