Monday Musing

On my mind today.

I love Girl Clean, no doubt. I also wonder if her social skills are lacking, she’s not around other kids her age except in nursery and there is no set structure in that environment. Even though she is around older kids a lot because of her brother she’s not mature for her age either. It’s not that she is not intelligent she’s just not exceptionally mature, she’s 3. The potty training, she doesn't care. If I ask do you have to go, I get no, regardless of whether or not she is about to have an accident or not.

I think she has been super babied by mommy and Grandmommy and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s just evident in social situations. She is super sweet, super friendly, always saying hi to people, very caring. She also hates to be told no. Which I know, she's 3. Yet when I am telling her no it's usually because she is about to hurt Jack or she has put herself in a situation where she might get hurt.

We have her on the weekends. I've signed her up for the dance classes and I am so excited for her, I think she is really going to enjoy it! She starts a preschool class twice a week in September. I know that once she is around other children her age she will make friends and learn the social skills necessary, at least I hope this is the case.

I was so glad that Mr. Clean did not come to the party with us this past Saturday. He would have been frustrated at how his little girl was the odd one out. Which I understand he doesn't want to see her hurt. It bothers him when we are out and other kids ignore her. I completely understand. I also understand that kids are kids. Watching her on Saturday makes me wonder if she is developmentally on target and I have nothing to measure so I have no idea. I have watched my friends children but I'm not around them as much as I have been around Girl Clean. I don't know what to expect and what not to expect. I came in to the picture 2 years after she was already here. She's been in my life over a year now. I still don't feel that I understand her very well.

I easily related to G and I've never felt that same connection to Girl Clean. Although Girl Clean immediately liked me, which was unusual. Mr. Clean had dated others and the child would not let them touch her. She held my hand and let me hold her within just a short time after meeting her. This may be a case of self preservation on my part. I still pray for G. I saw a picture of her the other day on her Aunt's FB page and my heart jumped. I still think about her. So knowing how rocky things have been over the past year I realize that I may have worked to put up my own walls. I actually handle the majority of responsibility when she is with us. I feed her, bathe her, dress her, make sure she gets to bed at a decent time. It's evident that she and I do love each other.

My mom thinks that the only reason I married Mr. Clean was because of Girl Clean and that is simply not the case. Not saying I don't love her. Not saying that she's not precious. I love having her with us. I also realize that because of how things have been between her Dad and I it has affected my ability to really attach to Girl Clean.

Things in my house have turned around, in a very positive and encouraging way. Yet because of my hurt and the damage done from the start I think I still have a lot of healing that has to happen. I realize that if things continue the way they are I will be able to do this and my connection with Girl Clean will grow as well.  

Presents, Races, Parties, Friendship and Food

Friday night I left work and drove to pick up Girl Clean. Then she and I went and picked up Mr. Clean. We went to dinner, dropped Mr. Clean off at the house and then went to find birthday presents. Girl Clean's brothers birthday was Sunday and we were going to a birthday party for my college roommates little girl on Saturday.

I found a great sundress on sale at Kohls for K. I was so excited at the sale they were having! We found legos for Girl Clean's brother. It was so cute how excited she was to pick out a card and present for her brother!

We arrived home and wound down. Then we put a movie in and went to bed. I had to be up early on Saturday morning. Jack and I drove down to my friend Nicole's and picked her up. I left Jack to play with her 2 dogs. Fortunately we know from past experience that her 2 do really well with my bossy little bully who is only a 1/3 of their size.

We picked up our chips and hung out waiting for the race to start. My goal was to run this one at under a 9 minute mile. I knew it was a perfect flat course and I should be able to meet this. My PR from the 2010 Runway 5K was an 8:50 minute mile. Since that race I have not been under a 9 minute mile. Saturday morning was perfect temperature wise! I pushed more towards the middle and end. I've learned not to push too hard at the start or I end up not finishing strong because I cramp or something happens. I hold back in order to push more once I am warmed up.

Crossing the finish the clock read 28:15 so I knew I had potentially met my goal to be under a 9 minute mile. I picked up breakfast on my way home and logged onto the computer to see my time. It was not yet posted. Usually the race results are posted quickly so I was surprised but knew they would be up soon. I kept checking and checking, so frustrated that they were not yet up.

I took Mr. Clean back to pick up his car and Girl Clean and I headed to the party. It was at a great place. The first part of the party was in a room that had all kinds of bounce things like M Joes. The place also had games and bowling and laser tag. The downside to a birthday party where your girl doesn't know anyone, she is pretty much left out of the action. We were the first to arrive and I hoped that maybe Girl Clean would meet a friend and it would work out that she would have a buddy. That didn't happen.

I always watch her pretty close at these places. At 3 she is easily mistaken for 5 because she is so tall and does look a lot older then 3. I watched on one as she was passed by a few older girls. What bothers me about this is that at M Joes they don't let kids do this. It really concerned me because she was so high up, because she could have fallen, and because it was not the best scenario playing in mind for what "could" happen.

The next bounce "house" she went into I couldn't really see her and when she came out she had a huge red bump on her head and her heart was racing. I'm pretty sure she got kicked but when I asked what happened she would not tell me. After that she just wanted to be held. She did go back in one towards the end but I know that whatever happened freaked her out. She also kept trying to say hi to K. Kept asking where she was. She would go up and wave and say hi, which was really sweet. I also realize that K, being 5, was totally there to be with her friends and have fun and just totally ignored this girl she had never met before wondering why she was in her space. So lesson learned next time I have a party for one of my friends kids I won't take Girl Clean unless she already knows the guest of honor for the party.

We moved from the bounce house room into the party room. Cake was served and then present time. Here was where it was so evident that Girl Clean is just 3. She wanted to "help" K open her presents. I told her she needed to sit down, and her facial expression when you tell her no is pure absolute defiance. I've seen this face several times over the past few weeks. My girl can be sweet and awesome and she can also be an absolute pill. I pulled her up and held her while we watched K open presents. I told Girl Clean on her birthday she gets to open presents but K does not need help opening hers.

After the presents I was ready to go. Those places are loud and despite the opportunity to play video games I knew Girl Clean was pegging her fun meter. I drove her back to her mom's since it was not our official weekend and her mom wanted her back for her brother's birthday.

On the drive back I called Margs, she is my friend who moved to Canada a few weeks ago. She had left me a voice mail while I was at the party and when I heard it, because she said if I don't talk to you today I'll try you back tomorrow my immediate thought was she is calling to tell me she's pregnant. I called her back and after a few minutes of catching up she said "well I have something to tell you" and I said "you're pregnant"! Sure enough she is due October 15. So Patrice will have her baby boy on September 6, or sometime around there and then Margs will have her baby in October. I was so excited!!!

I arrived at Girl Clean's mom's and Girl Clean wanted to carry her brothers present and card in. She gave it to him and he opened it right away and he loved it!!!

I drove back to the house where Mr. Clean had made a fabulous dinner!!!

Yesterday was a super lazy day, which I really needed! I took Jack for a walk yesterday afternoon so that he could burn off some energy.

It's another Monday! Tomorrow is May! Life keeps moving!

Saturday 4-21-2012 in pictures

Please note this is Saturday morning. She had to have the crown and shoes as soon as she woke up!

Here she is waiting to have her nails done

This is what we get when we say smile...

Watching her toe nails be painted

Then the lady painted her finger nails

We had been to this nail salon before back in November. They do an amazing job and I had a gift card from Christmas. For Girl Clean's finger and toe nails it was only $10. Then we had lunch. It was such a fun Saturday!!!

Friday 4 20 2012 in pictures

Last weekend Girl Clean's Pawpaw brought over the Barbie Jeep

Daddy helped her get settled in

Then she was off... sort of she is still getting used to "driving"

This is typically the scene at our house on a Friday night

They are having "spaghetti" which can also be a necklace...

I actually got smiles (sort of) for the camera

presents, energy, plans

Tiffany, my college roommate, is having a birthday party for her little girl tomorrow. I texted and asked what to get for K for her present. Imagine my delight when she texted back a pretty sundress. I asked what size, what her favorite color is and then I took to the internet to check a few of my favorite places for little girl clothes.

Today at lunch I plan to run out and buy the dress, I hope I can find a cute pair of flip flops to complete the look!

Yesterday afternoon I got home and I was so tired. I don't understand my exhaustion. I had the Wednesday off. I am not working at the restaurant. I should have excess energy. I took a short nap. We had dinner. Then I forced myself to the gym, and since the treadmill hurt I moved to the eliptical machine.

I watched American Idol, and this time I remembered my head phones. I don't like the first few weeks where they are auditioning people. Now that they have gotten down to the final few I am absolutely hooked!!! My favorite was voted off last night so now I have another contestant that I'm cheering for.

This afternoon I pick up Girl Clean. Tomorrow morning I have my 5K. Tomorrow afternoon we have the birthday party.

Jack Banner is back to normal, thankfully!!!

It seems as though I blinked and this week was over!! Next week is May 1, craziness!!!!

standing up and holding ground

I tweeted on Sunday that someone asked me how old I was and I had to think about it. Honestly after the much dreaded (on my part) 30 birthday it suddenly became not such a big deal what the number was. The past few years have brought a lot of perspective.

I spent a lot of time writing trying to figure myself out. I have found that with each passing birthday I try that much more to not be judgmental. I have my own beliefs and opinions and I know who I am. I understand that beating others over the head regarding what I believe is not going to change them or force them to suddenly think a different way.

During March I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks as I sorted out the tangled up and confused emotions of having lived in a situation for the previous 9 months that had not been easy. When I made the choice that I was going to return I faced the judgment for my decision. I made what was already a complicated situation worse.

I truly believe that I need to be able to stand on my own and be secure enough in the decisions that I make that I can let go of other people's opinions. I'm not saying I don't want honesty, and questions that make me think. I try to be receptive to hearing ways in which I can grow and learn and move forward from actions or situations that hold me back.

Friendship, to me, is someone who asks the questions and who is honest. A friend doesn't let me keep repeating the same question but stops me and helps me find direction when I seem to have lost it. To have these kinds of friends you have to be this kind of friend and I've learned over the past couple of years how to be this kind of a friend, or I believe that I have.

Over this past year I have learned just how important it is to stand up for yourself. To hold tight to friendships. To fight for what I believe in especially what I believe in means that I deserve to be treated in a loving respectful way. I've realized that I deserve to maintain friendships and participate in races and have downtime just for me.

I believe in chances and giving someone the opportunity to make things right. I believe that sometimes when a situation seems most hopeless it's when the most change is about to happen. I believe that instead of rolling over and hiding my head it's better to square my shoulders and face the challenge. Nothing changes if nothing changes and change began with me and continues!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

running errands, life and running

As I type this Jack Banner is napping on my lap, looking so sweet and innocent. Except while I was eating my lunch I walked away and came back and he was helping himself and something gave him gas. So I keep getting whiffs of the effects of his helping himself to my lunch. Good thing he is cute!

I took today as  PTO day so I could take Jack to the vet. I was so worried about his behavior Sunday/Monday that I called and took the first vet appointment I could get, which was for 8:45 this morning. I knew by the time I got him there, and got him home and left for work there was just no point in taking only 1/2 a day of PTO.

Instead of stressing over getting to the office I decided to make the best use of the time. I left early and picked up my glasses that have been ready for 3 weeks now. Then I ran by the store to pick up donuts for the vet office. Jack and I visited my uncle (the vet) and based on all the behavior and indicators we believe that Jack got hold of something he was not supposed to. When  dog poops green (think spinach color) it is an strong indicator that they consumed something toxic. Sorry if I just grossed you out. He is back to normal now so hopefully this is just a one time bad memory and from here out he stays healthy.

After our visit to the vet I took Jack to my parents house and dropped him off. Then I went to have my oil changed and my brakes checked. I found out that I still have several thousand miles remaining on both front and back brakes which thrills me no end!!!! I also found out I won't be replacing them at the same time which was more awesome news!!!!

I picked Jack up from my parents and headed home. Tonight I clean the office for the first time.

Last night I got an awesome 3 mile run in with Jack. It was beyond gorgeous and perfect running temperature yesterday afternoon!!! I have a 5K this weekend and I'm hoping for less then a 9:30 pace. I am slowly getting my speed (which has never been fast but fast for me) back.

I love having a random day off in the middle of the week, I feel so caught up on life!!!

Jack, dance and life in general

Yesterday afternoon I got home from work and took Jack out. I've never seen him like he was, lots of pent up energy, to the point where he fell off the grass ledge because he wasn't paying attention. In short he was totally freaking me out because I knew something wasn't right.

He and I got inside and I sat down and loved on him, spoke to him softly, hugged on him. Then I had to go register Girl Clean for her summer dance classes. Her Ballerina for a Day class will be in June then she'll have 6 weeks of preschool dance starting in July. I'm giddy, which is putting it mildly!

I ran to the grocery store for the ingredients to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies for a work bake sale and when I got home Mr. Clean said that Jack was acting more like himself. The rest of the evening he slowly returned to normal. He slept on his pillow and went to bed before 10. As a precaution I am still taking him to the vet tomorrow.

Based on research that I did yesterday I need to rule out that it might have been seizure activity. I'm not sure if we'll even be able to do that or not but I'm taking him in.

I actually remembered to take pictures over the weekend. Now I need to learn how to put them on my computer, then I promise to post them!

travel, recipe, lunch, shower, concern

Friday I fought traffic to pick up Girl Clean. I work in South Charlotte so any time I have to travel up North to the lake area from work it takes at least an hour. I picked her up and we picked out birthday cards for my Mother in Law.

Friday night was low key. We were in bed by 9 and watched a movie, she and I both fell asleep before it was over.

Saturday morning I had Jack out early. We ran 5 miles, and I was super pleased with our time. It was under 50 minutes but I'm not sure how much under because of the traffic lights and Jack having to stop.

Saturday after the run I got ready and then got Girl Clean ready. The three of us went to the nail place where Girl Clean and I got our nails done. She got her fingers and toes painted and I got a pedicure, it was lovely! Then we enjoyed lunch at a little deli place right around the corner that has amazing food, even if the service is extremely relaxed (not in a good way).

A quick trip to Walmart for ingredients and then we headed home. Church Saturday evening was awesome, so thankful for such a great church!

Sunday morning I was up early once again. I made the most incredible brownies for Sunday lunch. I had never used a double broiler until yesterday. I modified the recipe slightly by adding an extra cup of chocolate chips.

I preheated the oven to 350 and put the greased 13X9 dish in the oven while it was heating
I took a cup and a half of butter (2 1/2 sticks) and 4 cups chocolate chips and melted them on the double broiler. Once that was melted I took them off the heat
I mixed 2 cups sugar and 6 eggs and once blended I added the chocolate along with a tbsp of vanilla. Then I added 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking powder and about 1 3/4 cups flour. Then I pulled out the 13X9 dish poured in the batter and baked for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes I turned the oven off and let the brownies stay in the oven 10 more minutes. When I inserted the knife it came out clean.

These brownies were super rich (and super bad for you) but oh so incredibly yummy!!!

I had to be out of the kitchen by 9 (and I was) so Mr. Clean could get in there and start on lunch. His mom's birthday is today so we made lunch for her yesterday. I took Girl Clean to Walmart (again yes) because I needed a shower gift.

She and I found what I was looking for and after killing a little time looking at toys she and I returned home. I put her in the bath and cleaned up the house. I completely forgot about beverages and birthday candles so at lunch everyone had the option of water. We didn't even remember to make tea for our guests.

I got her out of the tub and ready. The Clean family showed up. My husband was super stressed but he did a great job on lunch! The brownies were a hit! Then I changed clothes and headed out the door to go to a baby shower. One of the girls I grew up with was having her shower yesterday.

It was fun seeing people that I haven't seen in a while. Even being at the church I grew up in on Easter I still didn't get to spend a lot of time with anyone so yesterday was nice!

I returned home so that we could take Girl Clean back to her mom. Then we went and looked at the office I will be cleaning. It won't be hard but it might take me a little while to remember everything.

I'm worried about Jack. I don't know what he got into yesterday but something is not right. He sat by the door the whole time I was gone. When I got home he stayed by the door. He looks like he's looking at something and he keeps moving his head but not moving. He will only sit by doors as if he has to go out. I have an appointment for him on Wednesday morning. From what I've read it could be seizures. I hope this isn't the case. I really have no idea what to do!

Other then that I'm back to work, and ready for a nap! Happy Monday!

It's a BOY

I got a call from Patrice on my lunch hour. Remember in SATC when Miranda tells Carrie she is having a boy and Carrie tears up? We had that moment over the phone. "Oh Patrice you are having a boy"... Why is everyone else but me crying when they hear the news.

She is actually more excited about this then Miranda was but it was just a moment I will probably never forget. He looks so incredibly perfect!!! She sent me the pictures, we can already tell he has her feet.

I honestly thought she was going to have a girl so I'm glad she found out what she is having. Otherwise I would have been buying lots of pink girly stuff, being so certain it would be a girl. Now I get to look forward to meeting baby boy in just a few months!!!!

Friday

It's Friday morning as I type this. The email went out, DONUTS! I couldn't resist. I was out of my chair and down the aisle and snagged the DD white cream filled with chocolate icing on top and enjoyed every last bite!!!  Ah a treat!!!!!

I got home last night and changed clothes to take JB for a run. We had a great 3 miles. I pushed for time and it paid off. I don't know exact stats because I never did figure out my watch (yet) but I know that it was less then a 10 minute mile.

I got home and showered quickly. Then I tried to get ready in 20 minutes, except I was still sweating from the run. So I dried my hair as best I could and up on my head into a bun it went. Minimal makeup and I was out the door again.

I'm so glad I went. While I wish that the events would start on time. While I wish that there could be a faster way to do door prizes. While I wish that the music was a little less loud. I so appreciate the message. Consistently, I hear a word that challenges, convicts and leaves me looking for areas that I need to work on. I went because I thought I would see the girl who I ran into on Saturday night and she was not able to make it I'm so glad that I was there. The title of the message was "More Glorious Then The Noise". We allow the noise of life to drown out the voice of God. It was necessary and I'm thankful that I was there for it.

This afternoon I will pick up Girl Clean and talk to her mom about the dance classes I have found. There are several different options so her mom and I will figure out what we think is best for the Girl. I'm so super excited about this!!

Tomorrow I'll get a run in with Jack. Sunday we are fixing lunch for Mr. Clean's Mom for her birthday. Then I have a baby shower to go to. So it's a full weekend but nothing out of the ordinary.

Happy Friday!!!

dance dance dance

Last night when I got home I had good intentions of going to the gym. It was raining and I knew I needed to go. I was on dinner duty. I fixed a pork loin, rice and spinach. I love the already marinated pork loins that you just put in the oven and bake. They were on sale yesterday when I went grocery shopping on my lunch hour.

I was planning to change clothes and go and then Mr. Clean and I started looking at Mother's Day gifts. Then we started talking about dance classes. Then I started researching dance classes for Girl Clean. I started sending emails and before I knew it 8 o'clock rolled around. I could have gone on but I didn't.

I'm so excited because I found a Ballerina for a Day class that is $15. I am hoping they still have spots open! I emailed the place this morning so now I have to be patient and wait for a response. I also emailed Girl Clean's mom about a day during the week this summer that might work for her. I would be willing to go pick up Girl Clean, take her to class, and then take her back to her mom so I'm hoping that we can find a class and work something out!

Tonight I have a ladies event at church. It's amazing how even though I'm not working at the restaurant my schedule still stays full!

Career, Meetings, Friendship

I found out yesterday at work that my bosses boss J is retiring the first of June. She is 43. She has a 10 year old and a 6 year old. Her husband owns a business. When she first came to visit she made the statement that family should always come first. She is staying true to herself although leaving the career that she has worked so hard for was not an easy decision.

I thought a lot yesterday about career and family. I thought about the different comments I heard and realized that while it would seem an easy decision I can understand why it wasn't. When you've worked your whole life, and you've been successful with what you do, it's not easy to step back. Of course she loves her family, but she's been able to juggle (with the help of her husband) for a long time now. Except now her girls are older, the job requires more travel, and her husband's business is busier then ever.

I know that it is very easy to tie our identity to what we do. I always thought I would like to be a stay at home mom someday. Except now that I see what my life is like and what my friends who do stay home have as challenges every day I really like the path that has unfolded for me. I have a unique opportunity of being a mom on weekends, yet during the week I have my own schedule. I'm able to escape the office at lunch to run around and accomplish whatever I need to accomplish. I have a manager who sits down and talks with me. I know what is expected. I leave everything on my desk at 4:15 and I don't think about it again until 7:15.

Mr. Clean has mentioned eventually going to a 3 day on 4 day off 4 day on 3 day off schedule with Girl Clean. To be perfectly honest the idea of this kind of freaks me out. I know when/if the time comes it will be just fine and it will all work out. I hope that it does as I know that it's important for our daughter to have quality time with both sides of her family. I've taken into account how we might make this a possibility. It's all a few years out so I have a lot of time to pray over it.

I had my Al-Anon meeting last night. The program was on letting go. I am so thankful for the shares and wisdom. It's so hard to let go when you want so much to fix everything. There are some things that are just not in my realm to fix.

In other news I was searching out cute nursery ideas for Patrice. I sent a bunch of pictures and idea. Why was I sending her ideas... Remember in SATC when Miranda is pregnant. Patrice is Miranda and I am Charlotte!

I just had my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager. It went well. I'm thankful for my job and thankful for the opportunity to work for the company that I do!

Running, Lip Gloss, Church and Shampoo

Last night Jack Banner and I were on our own. We had the whole house because Mr. Clean had a date with Girl Clean. I got home checked email, grabbed some dinner, checked FB and then realized I really did need to get outside and run.

I need to quit eating dinner before trying to run, it makes me sluggish and slows me down. Jack and I ran and it was beautiful and despite how slow I was it was still a fantastic night for a run! I know that soon enough it's going to be too hot for me to let Jack go with me. He won't be able to handle running in the heat.

Mr. Clean picked Girl Clean up and took her to McDonalds so she could play on the playground. She loves the slides and climbing and always has fun when we take her to someplace that has the indoor play places. After dinner and playground time he took her home and they put together lip glosses. He found a kit at Hobby Lobby for making lip glosses, which was a hug hit. She LOVES all things makeup and making her own and putting it in tubes and placing stickers on the tubes was a very fun activity for the girl!!!

Tonight I am going to try to take Jack for a walk before I have my meeting. It's not supposed to be as hot this afternoon but it might be raining so we'll see. Tomorrow night I clean the office for the first time.

At church on Saturday night I sat in the same row as a lady who I met at a women's night back in December. She and I said hello and I found out she will be at the women's even this Thursday night. I told her I would catch up with her Thursday. I love that I am slowly starting to meet people at church.

I'm trying something that I haven't tried in 10 years. I've been pretty much exclusively using salon shampoos, Bed Head, Kenra, Biolage, etc. They last forever and I always buy them when I have a coupon and Ulta is having a good sale. However, I'm almost out of my shampoo. I don't have a coupon, I am trying to adjust to spending less $$$ so yesterday I went to WMart and I bought pantene. I tried it last night. Honestly, I like the way my hair feels today. I read different points of view online and I realized that I can at least try something that is way less expensive. We'll see how my hair is doing after a month!

Work is crazy busy and I like it. It keeps me busy and it makes the day go by so fast!!!

Finding the groove

Friday night I worked at the restaurant. I didn't have to close, for which I was thankful. I was able to leave at 8:20, I was looking forward to dinner! Mr. Clean made chicken breasts which he pounded out he stuffed them with spinach and cheese and they were amazing!!! He made bow tie pasta that had spinach and sun dried tomatoes, it was awesome!!!

While eating dinner I was trying to read, I had purchased a series for my Kindle from an author I have found who I like. It's mindless entertainment reading. I purchased the first 3 right after I got my Kindle and then this next series I purchased all 3 at the same time. The title of the series contains billionaire and my husband made the comment that I wish I had married a millionaire. I flippantly responded that if I wanted to I could have. I have so much disgust for that individual that I shudder anytime I think back to that time when he was so briefly in my life. Except Mr. Clean doesn't know the story, because he doesn't want to know the details of my life before him. Which is his choice. I know that the past is the past and I'm aware of his past but he doesn't want to know mine. His past is in my life and I made that choice when I agreed to marry him. I went to bed shortly after this conversation.

Saturday morning I had a race to run. Nicole and I met in Davidson for the Paws to Run 10K. The course was an out and back and the morning was gorgeous! The course itself was very pretty. The down side, if you ran the 10K you ran down a steep hill going out. This meant coming back you had to run up that same hill. It HURT. I made it to the top and my legs were burning!!! I still had more to go so I just kept pushing. I saw a ground marker for 5 miles and thought ok now I can push a little harder. Which I did. Except the last 1.2 miles seemed to last FOREVER which I knew to expect, that's always how I feel at the end of a 10K. What I wasn't expecting, the last .2 uphill finish. It was a gradual incline but a hill and it hurt and meant that I didn't pick up any speed as I was crossing the finish line. However my pace was a 9:34 which I'm happy about. I loved seeing all the fur babies, I loved the location. The things I appreciated far outweighed the things I was not so thrilled about so I would definitely do this one next year if they have it again.

I called my mom to tell her about the race. The conversation went fine until it turned to the previous Sunday. I truly think that for a long time into the future I'm just going to have to try and keep my mom off the topic of my husband. She has unrealistic expectations that I don't where they come from and I don't understand and I don't really need to deal with. I'm happy, I like my life, and while she may never agree with me again I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. In reading back over all the posts that I deleted from here (because I published them on accident) I realize that this is an ongoing pattern. While I needed to take the 2 weeks away and it has definitely allowed me to grow I should not have retreated to my parents I should have figured something else out. I can't change that I can only move forward.

I arrived home and Mr. Clean had breakfast waiting for me. We had breakfast and then I vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. We took his car for maintenance and wandered around the antique mall that is around the corner from our house. We went to church and the grocery store and hung out the rest of the evening, it was awesome!!!

Sunday morning I decided to clarify a few things for my husband regarding his perceptions of my past. I told him it's fine if he doesn't want to know anything but he also should not assume things that are not true. For college my memories come from my girlfriends because I didn't date in college. So being jealous over memories of my girlfriends is utterly ridiculous. I told him that I have only lived with one boyfriend, and that because of that relationship I am able to understand the situation with Girl Clean and her mom as well as I do. If I hadn't had that experience I would not be able to be as hands off as I am now when it comes to certain aspects of the situation. I told him that the guy who was the millionaire was a jerk who I couldn't stand who I broke up with. I told him he is the longest relationship that I've had and that he needs to not allow his insecurities to lead him to false conclusions. It was another great conversation that we needed to have and I'm glad I was able to effectively communicate all of this.

Sunday morning I took Jack for a walk. We made breakfast again. Then we took our cars to the car wash and I vacuumed my car for the first time ever. Yes, I've owned the car since 2007 and yes it's never been vacuumed. It is simply not a priority and there has been no time. I truly can't believe the huge difference it made and I will be vacuuming the car out more frequently from now on. After the car wash we just had downtime at home and it was fabulous! The whole day was just relaxed and casual. I did color my hair which is becoming more and more of a challenge since it is so ridiculously long. I need a hair cut and I plan to fit this into my schedule asap.

We ended the evening by reading a few chapters of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I'm up to chapter 6. It is interesting, I really like it. I am definitely finding myself challenged to change some things in my own life!

Tonight Mr. Clean and Girl Clean have a date so Jack Banner and I get to hang out and I am so looking forward to it!!

Blogger and Reader

I'm going to share something that I figured out the hard way with my other blog. If you write a post and you publish it then it automatically feeds to reader. If you delete your post, it still feeds to reader. I wrote a post last summer and deleted it and realized it was still in reader and desperately tried to find how to make it go away. Turns out when you write a post and you want to delete it the way to keep it from showing in reader is to not delete the post in blogger. Instead edit the post and change it, even if you just leave the screen blank.

So I apologize for the many many many blank deleted posts that are now showing in this blog. I made an error when trying to import another blog. I imported everything to this blog, oops!!!! I'm really thankful that I already knew the blogger/reader issue and instead of deleting everything and all those posts showing up I went back and edited each post to blank.

running, pizza, phones, and weekend plans

Last night I ran with Jack. It was too late to go our usual route so we did up and backs in the big parking lot that is at the end of our street where the ballfields are. We also ran up and down our road a few times. Mr. Clean sat out on the porch to make sure we were safe.

We made pizza last night. Last Thursday night we made pizza and I said I wanted to create a new Thursday night tradition. Last night's pizza's were pepperoni and mushroom and bbq chicken with mushroom and red onion. Both were delicious!!!

Last year I met a man and I agreed to marry him and then after we got married it seemed like everything fell apart. Then it didn't get better. I prayed, I railed, I got mad, I gave up, I prayed, I read, I started attending Al-Anon, I kept reading, I left and went back after a night, I left and went back after 2 weeks. 10 months after our wedding I no longer regret the decision that I made to marry him. I'm finally seeing him step up and be the man that he promised he was going to be when he married me.

I was questioned on why I went to my friends instead of to a counselor and I honestly answered because these are the ones who know me best, who know how I am and who are my friends because they are not judgmental but rather stand by me in support of me without telling me what I should or should not do. I had a person who attacked me personally for my decisions and they are no longer in my circle of friends. Friendship requires listening, and when asked offering questions that provoke thought, honesty and all of those with a healthy dose of love.

I think that he and I will still have disagreements and we will not always see eye to eye. I think that sometimes I'm going to be upset at him and there will be times that are not easy. I also truly believe that God is changing his heart. This has been my prayer all along.

I got my new phone for my new every two. Instead of upgrading to the smart phone I opted for the free flip phone that got awesome reviews. Adding $30 every month to my phone bill is just not do-able when every other bill increased this year. When you order online they provide free 2 day shipping, upgraded phone no charge, no rebate to mail in and arrives in 2 days, I'll take it!!!

Yesterday at lunch I visited one of my favorite discount clothing stores, Rugged Warehouse. I found a pair of J Brand jeans on clearance for $15, they were WAY too big though, they fell off. I was not sad that they were too big but I was sad that they were not my size so I could get the deal!!!

My race is tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it!! I need to look up what the route is going to be. Girl Clean is on a trip with her mom this weekend so I'm hoping that we will get to see her for a little bit on Sunday afternoon. I'm also looking forward to a low key weekend where I will be able to get chores done and hang out with Mr. Clean and Jack!!!

Wednesday Circumambulations

I have to say that right now life is good. Monday I got home from work and took Jack for a walk. I relaxed after the walk and it was so nice!

This is my last week on the schedule at the restaurant. I'm not sure how it's going to work. I'm hopeful and praying that it works out to where I won't have to go back. I would really love to have a life. Mr. Clean and I had a long conversation about how I can't keep up the schedule I've been keeping. His love language is words of affirmation followed closely by quality time and time is something I just haven't been able to give.

He had an appointment last night and I had my meeting. Tonight I work. I'll be home Thursday night. Friday night I work, but I don't have to close, YAY!!!! Saturday I have my 10K. I'm thankful that the temperatures have cooled and Saturday morning's predicted weather is perfect for running!!

My hair is ridiculously long. I was supposed to have it cut in January but Samantha, my hair genious, had a stomach bug and I told her not to share with me. So I haven't had a cut since last May... I color my own hair, and with it being so long, it's every bit as miserable if not more so then you might imagine.

I'm currently sitting in an online training class with the phone to my ear and the training screen in front of me. It's not exciting and the guy talking keeps cutting in and out.

I'm feeling all sorts of emotions this week it's weird. I'm happy and yet because of the way the past 10 months have been I'm sort of waiting for something else to happen. Which means that I need to do a better job of focusing on me. Part of that is keeping my hands out of the candy. Here at work and at home there is chocolate readily available. My goal for today is to keep my hands out of it. So I bought double chocolate crave cereal at lunch. I have been successful to this point for today's goal.

I didn't run last night. I should have but instead I got sucked into the computer. Normally even when that happens I still get out for a run, except on Tuesday nights when I have my 8pm meeting.

I had a conversation with Mr. Clean on Sunday that was interesting. It was for all intents and purposes a break through moment. I'm learning how to effectively explain thoughts and emotions, which is new and difficult and not something that I like having to learn but it is so very necessary.

My bosses boss J, and J's bosses, boss, S were in the office this week. I have to say that even these very high ups are so down to earth that I enjoy meeting them and having the chance to share what is going on in our office. I also have a new career woman role model type person, I really appreciated meeting S. I sat next to her at lunch yesterday so it was a great opportunity to talk to her.

I have reigned in my shopping, I purchased Girl Clean several coordinating outfits from Kohls and a bathing suit from Old Navy and that wraps up the needed clothing for spring summer. I am going to do my best not to purchase anything further for her or for me, I will practice restraint! Unless I see some good deals for next fall!

Girlfriends In God April 10, 2012

You’ll Meet An Old Lady One DaySharon Jaynes

 

Today’s Truth
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control,” (Galatians 5:22 NIV).

 

Friend to Friend
One of my favorite books I have written is The Power of a Woman’s Words. One of my favorite sentences in this favorite book is, “Our words become the mirrors in which other people see themselves.” That is a huge responsibility and a powerful privilege.

At the very end of the book, I included a piece that someone passed along to me, and I want to pass it along to you today. I think about it often and pray about it frequently. Let me know what you think.

 

You are going to meet an old lady someday. Down the road, ten, twenty, thirty years; she’s waiting for you.  You will catch up to her. What kind of old lady are you going to meet? 

 

She may be a seasoned, soft and gracious lady. A lady who has gown old gracefully, surrounded by a host of friends – friends who call her blessed because of what her life has meant to them.

 

She may be a bitter, disillusioned, dried-up cynical old buzzard, without a good word for anyone or anything – soured, friendless, alone.

 

The kind of old lady you will meet will depend entirely upon you. She will be exactly what you make of her, nothing more, nothing less. It is up to you.  You will have no one else to credit or blame.

 

Every day, in every way, you are becoming more and more like that old lady. You are getting to look more like her, think more like her and talk more like her. You are becoming her. If you live only in terms of what you are getting out of life, the old lady gets smaller, drier, harder, crabbier, more self-centered. Open your life to others. Think in terms of what you can give and you contribution to life, and the old lady grows larger, softer, kinder, greater.

 

These little things, seemingly so unimportant now – attitudes, goals, ambitions, desires – are adding up inside where you cannot see them, crystallizing in your heart and mind.  The point is these things don’t always show up immediately. But they will – sooner than you think. Some day they will harden into that old lady; nothing will be able to soften or change them then.

 

The time to take care of that old lady is right now, today. Examine your motives, attitudes, goals. Check up on her. Work her over now while she is still pliable, still in a formative condition. Then you will be much more likely to meet a lovely, gracious old lady at the proper time.

Long boring catch up post or Easter Weekend 2012

I had last Friday off. I went shopping with my Mom and Godmother. We started off at the Talbots Outlet, checked out Old Navy, ventured down to Kohls and then decided to grab a snack for lunch. I had time to check out Ross for a few minutes before leaving to pick up Girl Clean.

I had arranged with Girl Clean's mom to pick her up at 4. Then she and I went back and joined up with Aunt Linda and Mom. They were at TJ Maxx so of course Girl Clean wanted to check out the toys. Instead of saying no to the request for EVERY SINGLE TOY, I say "maybe next time" over and over and over again. After TJ Maxx she and I ran into Target because I needed socks for her Easter outfit. We also picked up Easter candy for her basket. Fortunately she is still short enough that she wasn't really seeing what I was picking up. I did let her pick one thing from the Easter candy section. She picked out a bunny tube of peanut butter cups.

We had dinner with my parents and Godparents and then headed home to Mr. Clean. While I was out Mr. Clean had worked and then come home and taken food over to his parent's house. Our refrigerator died on Thursday night. I borrowed a cooler from my parents so we could keep drinks cold. After arriving home I headed out again to pick up a few things from the store along with ice. I got home and Girl Clean and I went to bed. We had to be up early the following morning. I woke up at 6 to get a run in. Then I got home, got a shower, and woke the girl up.

It takes her forever to wake up so knowing we had to leave the house at 9:30 I woke her up at 7:30. I eased her in to the morning; she had breakfast, and then a bath. While she was the bath I was able to finish my makeup. Then we washed her hair and got her dressed. The Easter egg hunt started at 10 and we wanted to make sure that we were on time. She collected her Easter eggs, and dumped out the candy. She was actually more interested in playing on the playground then anything else.

After the hunt, she and I dropped Mr. Clean off at his parent's house. He and his dad were taking a refrigerator that works back to our house, then taking out the refrigerator that does not work, and taking it back to his Dad's shop for him to try and fix it. Meanwhile Girl Clean and I went to a park that was down the road from his parents. They had bounce houses, and face painting, and the Easter Bunny. She had a blast going through the bounce stuff. I decided that one Easter egg hunt for the day was enough. My concern over this egg hunt was the amount of people too many kids, too little space. Even though they had broken the hunts down by age, her age group being 3-4, I was concerned she would get hurt and then she would not have good memories for next year. I used chick fil a as incentive to leave.

Girl Clean had nuggets and then played for a while. We left to pick Mr. Clean up, he had not yet eaten and it was 1:30. I dropped him off at the house and went to pick up his lunch. Girl Clean fell asleep in the car on the way home from my in-laws so she just slept in the back seat while I went through the drive through. Her mom was picking her up at 3:30 for a 90th birthday party for her Great Grandmother so the nap was a good thing!

Saturday evening was low key. While Girl Clean was at the party we made a quick trip to the grocery store and Mr. Clean's parent's to pick up the food that they had from our refrigerator. When we got home I put together Girl Clean's Easter basket. We knew in order to make the transition from her mom back to us easier we would have to have something fun planned. We had the eggs ready and when she got back she had an Easter basket waiting and then we dyed eggs.

I showed her the dress she was wearing for Easter, and made a mistake by not also showing her the shoes that went with the dress. Girlfriend has a thing for "shiny" shoes. IE: shoes like what she wore for our wedding and Halloween. They are the sequin shoes that are so popular for little girls right now. Her Easter dress was white with navy polka dots so I got white shoes to go with it.

Sunday morning I woke up to get myself ready at 5:40. There was no sleeping in for me this past weekend. I knew I had to wake the girl up at 7 if we were going to have her ready to leave at 9. I got ready and at 7 went and picked her up out of bed. We sat on the couch for about 15 minutes then fixed her breakfast. I got her in the tub and washed her hair. Then woke up Mr. Clean at 8. I got out Girl Clean's tights and shoes. She saw the shoes and that is when the MELT DOWN started.

OH MY GOODNESS. She did not like the shoes, did not want to wear the shoes and was not going to wear them. She sobbed for at least 30 minutes. It went on and on and on. I acted like this behavior was nothing and simply kept going about what I needed to do to get ready. I told her if she wanted to cry she could go in her tent. I wasn't punishing her I just wanted her to go into her own space to vent out her emotions.

Eventually when she realized that she was not going to win she quit crying. We had already promised her that after church she would be able to change her shoes. I asked Mr. Clean last night if I should have just given in on the shoes. He said no, that I probably should have showed her the whole outfit so she was prepared for the shoes but that she needed to wear those shoes. For me it wasn't about the shoes but about the fact that I don't like how every time she hears no, or is told something she doesn't like it results in a melt down. I get that she was tired. I get that we had had a very long weekend. I also realize that this behavior had really lessened and now it's back.

Girl Clean slept through the entire church service. We went to church with my parents. My brother and Jelly were there and my Godparents so it was neat to all be together! After church I said hello to a few people before we left. Then we got to the car and I could not find my keys. After emptying out my purse I went back to the sanctuary. In between the chair legs was my keys.

We made a quick stop at the house to pick up a few things and headed to Mr. Clean's parent's for lunch. I got no pictures from Easter. I have get a camera, a very easy, very user friendly, camera. I don't have pictures. I have a phone but the quality of pictures is terrible. Mr. Clean has an iphone and he takes pictures but they are on his phone. I have none. I am terrible about learning technology, right now I can't even tell you were my ipod is. I know that I need a camera and one that is user friendly enough that I will be able to have my pictures from times like this weekend.

We took Girl Clean back to her mom and then ran a few errands. Last night we were able to just relax and talk to each other. For the first time in our marriage I'm actually seeing the guy that existed when we were dating. Yesterday morning he surprised me with a purple Easter basket that had tea lights, and an oil warmer with a bottle of oil that smells delightful!! Then he had also purchased a frog basket and filled it with Cadbury eggs.

It was a good weekend!!!

Thursday Varied

I have to admit that I've been in a weird place. I know it's reflected in what I'm writing. I vascillate between being perfectly fine and then suddenly frustrated, or angry or upset, then I'm fine again. I have to watch the negative thoughts, they can really run away with me.

I just commented about swimsuit models, every picture you see in every ad for any clothing is airbrushed. Every picture in every fashion magazine, is air brushed. For whatever reason there is a trending that wants everyone to believe that they will never be thin enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, etc. unless they buy, have, own, etc. The more research I do the more aware I am.

I read TMZ and People every hour or so. It's a guilty pleasure. I admit that they perpetrate the horrific paparrazzi and that I don't agree with. Yet I read. I read about the coroners report for WH. I wrote back when she passed away that she suffered from a disease. The thing about the disease of addiction, people still have choices. There is help available. So this is probably why there is so much judgment around it all.

I live in the South, and from my experience this reason seems to be the most judgemental of them all. The bigger cities not so much but the more rural and further South I go the more I see it. I have always believed that education is the biggest contributor to ending social injustice, bullying, human trafficking, slavery, once it's brought into the light and people start realizing what is going on then it can no longer be tolerated. I love the Martin Luther King Jr. quote "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." For a region that has a church on every corner and claims the name Bible belt it would seem that legalism and hypocrisy are more often seen then the love of God that those who call themselves Christians are supposed to be examples of to the world.

I was thinking about judgmental on my drive home from the restaurant last night. In my life I want to be compassionate, kind hearted, and one who seeks to listen. I might not agree with you but I will respect you and the fact that we are given the gift of free choice and choosing our own opinions. Of course I have snap judgments but because of the past year I find that when I run past the group of homeless guys on a Saturday morning I try to make eye contact and say hello. Honestly I have prayed that I will be protected. I have Jack, and I'm not a small girl, and my voice can be excruciatingly loud if it ever had to be. A smile and acknowledgment can go a long ways towards brightening someone elses day!

I'm really excited for Friday I'm going shopping with my Mom and Godmother. Then I'll pick up Girl Clean and she and I will join my parents and Godparents for dinner. Saturday I'll run, then we'll have an Easter egg hunt. Sunday we'll go to church with my parents, which I'm very excited about!

I am still waiting on my state tax refund. Federal came back after a week, which was fabulous!!! Now I keep checking for State.

It's April

Law have mercy, we're only 4 days in to April and I feel like we're already 1/2 thru. This is because of the way the calendar looks...

Easter is this weekend. I'm going to go to church on Sunday with my family regardless if Mr. Clean joins me or not. This way I will get to go to my favorite service of the year and wear my dress. I debated saying I was spending the whole day with my family but when I checked my motives I realized that I needed to just keep it to going to church.

It frustrates me no end that I've made the effort with his family and his baby mama's family and he has never made the effort with my family. End vent for now.

Work is good. I had last Thursday and Friday off (Thursday dentist and eye doctor, no cavities but detoriorating distance vision) and Friday I spent with my Mom and then worked at the restaurant. I got back on Monday and almost freaked at the amount of items in my work roll. Except I caught up by yesterday.

I used my 2 weeks at my parents as an excuse to buy sundresses (or actually clothes in general) I was cautious about how much I spent but I now have 2 pairs of cute shorts, a few tops, 2 pairs of running shorts, and 3 new sundresses that I love. I'm a happy girl. Now I need to switch out my winter for summer clothing, ugh! Of course since I have a fraction of what I used to have this is not the chore it used to be.

I could have gone crazy buying clothes for Girl Clean but I didn't. I have done a really good job of not going overboard.

We picked her up on Sunday and took her to the park along with Jack. I was really proud of Jack. Initially he was super wound up at being around so many kids and people but eventually he mellowed. By the end he did really well.

Jack had a vet appointment on Friday and it was evident that we've been working with Jack which made me so happy that it was noticeable!! He got a green polka dot Easter scarf, it was super cute and lasted until Saturday.

Next weekend I have my 10K, which I'm totally ready for!!! I haven't been able to say that in a while but I've been running not a lot but consistently enough that I can run 6 miles. Then at the end of April I have a 5K that I signed up for. For that race I want to work on my speed training. Traditionally I do very well time wise during the race so I'm hoping for a new PR.

Then comes May. When I look at a calendar I completely understand why the year goes as quickly as it does!! My last day on the schedule at the restaurant (for now) is April 13. I have a job if I need it so if things don't work out I will go back until things change again.

I'm loving the weather. I know we are in for a ridiculously hot summer but right now is gorgeous!!!

Deactivated

I took 2 weeks off from FB and now I'm staying away a while longer. I'm not on there that much anyways. I have learned that I am ok with not knowing every last detail that has happened in the FB world of reality.

It's a great source for keeping up with people and I love the pictures and reconnecting. I still have a lot going on in my life. I have enough to keep up with and this is a non essential, and I can't access from work so that makes it easier to eliminate!

It's all complicated

I've always talked to process. Always liked to be honest. I've had to dial it back somewhat. I've mentioned that Mr. Clean and I have been working through some things. I've mentioned that I married someone a lot like my mom.

I'm not sure if my Aunt got information from a former friend or from my mom but when I told her last Thursday that I was going home she said that she is not as forgiving as me and she does not want to see my husband anytime soon. Which means we won't be spending Easter with my family. She told my mom I was angry with her. Fortunately my Dad was sitting in the room during the entire conversation and told my Mom I was in no way shape or form angry.

I've always turned to my parents for support. Except since I got engaged unless it's something negative about Mr. Clean my mom doesn't want to hear it. Which is the catch to turning to my parents for support. I believe that because I reached out for help I have been able to improve the situation and my husband and I are able to move forward with our marriage.

My mom made the statement that she doesn't want me to shut her out. Unfortunately she does not understand that she shuts me down when I don't have negative things to say about my husband. It's never going to be easy, and I have to let go of it all. I have to quit looking for my Mom's approval unless I'm doing what she believes to be the correct way then it's never going to be right. For years I was able to handle this by avoidance, limiting the amount of time spent with my mom. Suddenly I got married and needed her help, and yet I should have looked somewhere else. I'm not ungateful. I love my parents very much and I wouldn't be where I am today without them. I also know that if I want my marriage to work I'm going to have to set some boundaries with my mom.

I hate having to deal with stuff like this. Unfortunately avoidance solves nothing. I spent the wait at the eye doctors office reading through my Al-Anon book on the topics of conflict, disagreement, and acceptance.

I moved home on Saturday. There are beautiful lavender plants in front of the front porch, the yard looked awesome, there were flowers for me in every room of the house. It was a wonderful amazing weekend. Yesterday we took Girl Clean and Jack to the park for a few hours. It was a great time as a family.

I'm thankful to be home. I'm praying regarding everything else. I know that if I hadn't reached out, things would be worse instead of better. I could have handled things differently and I have to suffer those consequences. Each day is a new day, with new opportunities and further growth.