New Years Eve

Last year for New Years Eve it was actually a really cool, really fun night.  I was at a friends house party and we had an absolute blast!  The year before that the little girl of the guy I was dating had arrived safely back from Australia and we had a really quiet night in.

I tend to believe NYE to be as overrated as Valentine's.  My parents have always had really fun parties with their friends and it's my brother's b'day so we've always had something going on.

This year I was supposed to be working.  Instead I find myself on the couch with a good book and a fever.  I'm too contagious to go out and I've missed 2 days of work because of this crud.

I am going into 2009 believing that I will have better health then the past several years!  I believe that it is time for me to claim emotional and physical healing as I approach this new year!

It's another Monday

My focus is shot, it's a short week, I would love to be home watching movies or at the gym or anywhere but work. I'm so thankful to have a job, really! I just have to keep reminding myself to be thankful.
I wake up and I say, thank you for my job, thank you that I have a job to go to, thank you for all the things you're doing in my life. I realized this morning I'm no longer terrified. I have found that the more I say thank you and the more I keep releasing the negative thoughts the less anxious I feel.
Ultimately I have chosen that I want to be completely and totally in His will and I know that He has a plan for me. I keep thinking about the Psalm where David said "better is one day in your courts then a thousand elsewhere" and to me this is so true. I want to be open to what this new year holds for me

No Voice

My friends who have known me for any length of time know that I lose my voice on a fairly regular basis. I have been to a specialist and there is really no specific reason. I personally feel it has something to do with the mono I suffered in college and probably some other factors as well.
When I went back to work at a restaurant the word I was given when I was praying about how I was going to go back and deal with the voice loss was "The joy of the Lord is your strength". I've lost sight of that over the past few months as I've been caught up in the stresses of everyday life. I worked last night and this morning I woke up, with no voice, again. This is becoming a regular occurrence in my life. I went to church and the first few songs were wonderful worship songs and I could not participate in singing them other than following along with the words in my head. Then we repeated a Psalm and again I could only follow along silently. The next song began and I began to pray. I was talking to the Lord and acknowledging that the joy of the Lord is my strength and this voice loss is robbing me of living life to the fullest. I just began to pray that I would get my voice back. As I was standing praying I had a heat come over my throat and my voice came back.
I've definitely been a little down this week. I've been contemplating the fact that I'm going into the year 2009 single, with no prospects and I keep reminding myself that I want God to use me as He desires. I feel I am to hold onto the promises that I've been given but I'm not entirely sure what those promises are. I know I have Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I know Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Christmas I just had to keep praying and holding on to these promises. I read a book Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, it was excellent and I'm really trying to grasp all the principles in the book. As I read and pray and seek after the Lord I know I'm to be joyful always pray continually and give thanks for all that the Lord has done in my life. Really my life is not my own, I was bought with a price and my purpose is to serve Him and seek after His will for me.
Today was just a reminder that He desires that I live life to the fullest, He came that we might have life and have it abundantly and part of that includes me keeping my voice so I can give Him praise and worship :)

Too Small

I had an appointment at my chiropractor last night. I've been going to him for almost a year and a half. So he introduces me to the new chiropractor that he's just hired. I'm curious cause he's cute but looks familiar in a really odd way to me. I don't think too much of this and begin to ask the general where are you from, Charlotte. Where did you go to School? Providence. Where did you go to college, I graduated from Chapel Hill. He asked me about App and said his brother went there. So then I asked about if he just had the one brother or more siblings and he said he has 2 older brothers and 2 nephews. I don't know why but suddenly I had this odd feeling and I asked what his last name was and he told me, I thought I was going to throw up. I'm sure my chiropractor wondered what was wrong with me b/c I know my skin flushed. This guy is the little brother of a guy who I met via match who was awful!! It would take a really long post to explain the nightmare that I went thru while involved with the horrible jerk. It took me longer than it should have to finally break free from him.

SO my chiropractor asks if I'll be the guinea pig like I always am and I said if you trust him I trust him and we go to the other treatment room and the new chiropractor is talking to me further and trying to distance himself as far as he can from his brothers traits. He apparently is familiar with some of this guys ways. I just told him that his brother has a way of getting underneath your skin. I didn't tell any stories or details and just talked to him about other stuff. Then right before I left I requested that he not bring up my name AT ALL. He said "I don't know what you're talking about, please don't tell my new boss about my brother." So I left and I was shaking, it freaked me out so bad. I mean it's been a long long time but the guy was really bad news (he's the reason I changed my phone number) and I have not had any encounters with him in almost 3 years. It was quite the interesting night.

In other news the guy I've been seeing and I broke up on Sunday. He feels that he's supposed to be single right now so he can focus on where God is leading. It was the easiest break up that I've been thru pretty much ever. My friend who has been staying with me for the past few days while she was visiting different friends in town, asked me what is the longest I've been single since college. The reality is I haven't been. I've always had some guy around. It's going to be interesting these next few weeks as I start off 2009 with no prospects and I turn 30 and I kind of feel like it's God's joke on me. I know it's not the case but I remember vividly the conversation I had right before I turned 28 where I was telling my boyfriend at the time that I really wanted to be married and at least pregnant by the time I was 30. I had it all worked out in my head but obviously God has something different in mind for me.

I'm working on this

I'm not the most rational person ever. I will freely admit that I'm impossible to date and quick to break up with someone. I have the whole cut loose and run away pattern well established.
I try to keep in mind that we are all busy and it is very difficult to constantly answer texts and emails. With my girlfriends when it takes a while to get a response I'm usually very understanding. For some reason when it's the person that I'm dating I am way less understanding.
One thing I noticed last week as I really put into practice taking the step back is I was less stressed, less angry and less frustrated. When I put my focus where I'm supposed to, on the Lord and I remember that His will for me is "Be Joyful always, Pray continually, and Give thanks in all circumstances." As I take my focus from frustration and anger at the guy I'm just getting to know and spending time with and put my focus on the Lord and give thanks and appreciate all that the Lord has done for me I can't hold onto the anger. I'm begining to understand that even when circumstances are frustrating and I'm overwhelmed the reason the Lord's will for us to give thanks and be joyful is because even when things seem impossible if you're truly trying to give thanks to the Lord the frustration seems to lift and the hopelessnes seems to dissipate.

Charlotte Race

So I went to the gym this morning. I could tell they were preparing for a race but I thought no big deal I'll be able to just take colony to sharon to wendover, WRONG!!!!!! Blocked. So I thought Colony, Runnymeade, wendover, WRONG!!!! Blocked. So then I took Runnymeade to Woodlawn to Park to Kennilworth to 277 to Indpendence to Monroe home. I understand from my friends who are runners that races are awesome things. However if you live in Charlotte and if you live in the Cotswold, Southpark, Dilworth area these races are the biggest inconvenience EVER!!!!!!!!!

I have to listen

Recently I was asked what I thought of taking a step back in my current relationship. My answer was no I didn't agree with it and I certainly wasn't going to go along with it unless it was made really clear to the guy I've been seeing that it is what we're supposed to do.
However, I realized I was once again trying to tell God what I thought about it and that I wasn't going to go along with it. This week I've been miserable... I actually did pray about it this week even though I said I wouldn't. Finally today I admitted that I agree that we're to take a step back. Once I let it go and agreed I had complete peace, peace that has been missing all week. What changed? Well I'm starting to understand that God has His own timing and way of doing things and if I don't want to end up in a million little broken pieces again I need to start really listening.
I was given a word last night where I'm standing in front of a black wall that is engulfed in flames and if I stay where I'm at I will be fine but if I go thru that wall I will be even stronger and better on the other side. It doesn't even look like a wall that you're supposed to go thru but it is possible and I am being asked to walk thru it.
The message made complete and total sense because all day yesterday I was thinking about how I've never really given up total control of my life. There's always been this part of my spirit that resents the idea of giving up control and having to let go. From jobs to the guys I've dated to how I've lived out my life I have only in the past year and a half begun to try to seek His plans for me. Walking thru that wall means burning out all the junk in my life and giving up total control. I was made to serve the Lord, that's what our purpose here on earth is. But I've been content living the status quo life. I realize that I've got to trust in the Lord. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will set your path straight". I've got to learn how to totally submit to the Lord. I've got to focus on Him. I have to let go of all the baggage I've held onto for so long. There is a big part of me that does not want to do this. I previously mentioned classes that I am waiting to hear if there will be a spot for me, I'm believing that there will be or God has another door He's going to open. I've never been good at total surrender. I do understand I need to allow God to continue to work in my life. My first instinct is to drop all this and just walk away. But what I feel like the Lord is saying is to deal with myself. To allow Him to have the control that I've not been willing to relinquish for so many years. As scary and impossible as it seems I know these classes or whatever door the Lord opens offer me a freedom from all that has been in my life. Already I know that the Lord has been speaking to me and desires to have a closer relationship with me but until I let go of what is in my life He can't move as He desires to.
I have to acknowledge that right now I can't focus on a romantic relationship or lack of one I have to focus on my walk with the Lord. I have to walk thru that wall engulfed in flames in order to be ready for what awaits me on the other side. I desire to focus on the Lord and grow in Him and allow him to do the work that He needs to do.

My Hope is in Him

Psalm 32:8 The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
John 10:4 "After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they recognize his voice."
1 Thessalonians 5:18 "No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

Today's headlines are filled with unrest and stories of an economy that is floundering. In my own life I'm hanging on by a financial thread and one more thing will mean I go falling down the deep hole that my previous spending habits have created. I was reminded even waking up this morning that I am to give thanks to the Lord because it is thru Him that I have hope. He is in control. Last night in my devotion it was a story of a family and they needed $900 to pay bills and the money was nowhere to be found. The author of the story worried all day long but could come up with no solution and that evening she realized she had forgotten to check the mail that day. In the mail box was a check for $949. God had already provided before they even knew they had the need.
As I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about the fact that thru this whole year I have been in a financial hole. I'm praying for a roommate and I'm praying constantly that I will get thru this. During this time even though my budget shows negative the money has always been there for bills and whatever I had to pay. Somehow someway God has kept the bank account full even when according to my budget there is no money.

Best kept silent

It was last October that I finally hit a wall and admitted that I needed to get help for what had been going on since college. I'd been broken into a million pieces and nothing made sense and I was in a black hole and nothing was making it better.
So I sat down with Nancy and she and I talked. We went back to growing up and then the progression of school and after. At one point she asked "why do you hate yourself so much?" I just looked at her b/c there is no answer for that question.
I went every few weeks from October until March. Then we were not so much focusing on what had been going on since college so much as the pattern of my dating relationships. I had started dating the guy I would date thru the summer and I didn't want to have to answer for why I hadn't completely ended it. Plus Grandaddy passed away so it gave me a reason to cancel my appointment and not make another one.
Well I did end it with that guy numerous times but he always had really good reasons as to why it was ok for us to continue dating. Until I finally woke up and stood up and said you're not who I can see a future with and we don't need to date any longer. So that step was definitely me acknowledging that I am a Christian and there are certain standards which I will choose to live by.
However there was still the factor of what's been going on since college. Thru the summer and fall it's really something that I knew I needed to deal with again. Except how, I can't afford the appointments and I kind of felt like it was helping all that much anyways. Granted that could be my fault but I was just unsure of what to do. I didn't want to acknowledge to my friends that I've never quit the bad habits. In some ways I'm really healthy and excercising and keeping track of what I eat. But over the past few weeks no matter how many times I've said I need to stop and I won't do it again somehow I find myself back in the same place over and over again. Thoughts have turned to I wish that there was some magic wand to take away all the money worries and knowledge that I'm hanging on by a thread when it comes to my finances. I'm pulled in a million directions, I just don't handle all this very well and since I'm not drinking excessively this has always been the other outlet for how I deal with the pressures.
So when I had the 2 weeks of really focusing on God back in October one of the things I was very clearly told was that this is something I need to deal with. Except I don't really understand how and in some ways I don't believe it's possible. I've been terrified that b/c I'm not willing to own up to it God is going to call me out on it and force it into the light.
Last night God opened up my mouth for me, because this was the last situation I would have ever thought I would be admitting what has going on. The current boyfriend invited me to his church's annual Christmas dinner and I was having a conversation with different friends of his. It was just getting to know you conversation and I asked one of the ladies the story of how she and her husband had met. The story was interrupted and we had gotten off the topic but I went back and asked her to finish the story. So she finished the story and we were talking about other things. She was sharing that she had been released from different things and as the conversation progressed she revealed that part of this was total healing from her own eating disorder and depression. She is beautiful and never in a million years would I have thought that she would have battled thru this. I have a friend who has battled depression for years and I understand that depression in itself can be debilitating. But she had not only overcome depression but also an eating disorder. Typically this would not be something that you share with someone who you've only just met. But when she was telling the story something clicked inside my own mind. So I asked how does it work that you can receive total healing from such difficult things. I had NO intention of sharing my own struggles. I've only just met this person. She and her husband are really good friends of the current guy that I'm dating I wanted to make a good impression on everyone. I do not share with anyone the fact that I'm still struggling in this area b/c I don't know how to deal with it. But she's just shared with me that she's found freedom, a freedom that I am scared of. However, I know that God wants me to really deal with this area of my life. There is no explanation for how the conversation turned to direction that it did except for that God wanted to use the opportunity to open my mouth and continue the change that was started last year. I'm terrified, and I don't really understand why. You would think that knowing that freedom is available would be liberating but this is something that has been going on now for almost 9 years. I do not know how to deal with life without this. So I'm not really ready to face it but I know that God is calling me to face it and I know that He can't really use me the way He desires until I really work through this. I'm still in shock that I told on myself I just can't believe that in 1 conversation I revealed so much. After sharing so much with someone I didn't know I then I had to explain to the guy that I'm seeing how it came about that I would be interested in taking classes this coming January. If I were him I would be saying I think you're great but I'm out of here.
I'm waiting to hear back if they will be able to add me to the class. After admitting to what has been going on I know that I have to be ready for what's coming. If it was up to me I would go running in the opposite direction but I have a feeling that God is not going to let me run and this time I've got to let Him do the work that He needs to do so He can really use me, again would really like to go running in the opposite direction right now!