moving forward

I can tell I haven't written in a while because my head becomes the craziest place! I get twitchy and ansty and basically I have this need to write my thoughts out in order to let them go.

Primarily today I've been thinking about just how thankful I am! I have friends who have been amazing, who are amazing! I am so fortunate that despite my inability to physically be a regular presence I was able to stay in touch through social media and email. I'm thankful for the friends who stood by me through the whole marriage. I'm thankful for the fact that wife 1 reached out to me and has allowed me to vent and talk and has provided perspective. I am thankful for Audra's mom who has been so good to me! I have a phenomenal support system. I don't take for granted the blessings in my life.

I don't take for granted that I am able to live with my parents. I'm thankful that they are letting me stay here, that they love Jack, and that they are not pushing me out!

I'm thankful that I have a job. I never heard back from the interview that I had 2 weeks ago. I had prayed about it. I know that God consistently opens and closes the doors that I'm supposed to either go through or not.

I'm thankful that I finished my 12 steps. I'm thankful that when I come home at the end of the day I'm not dreading walking through the door.

Time provides a lot of perspective and the further out I am from living with my ex-husband the more I realize how much I appreciate my freedom. I don't have to figure out keeping the calendar from being too full and being accused of not prioritizing him. I don't have to explain every single plan that I make. I don't have to pick my battles and "let it go" if I'm not going to fight for it.

A friend of mine commented on my most recent race status update that I seem to be PR'ing every race these days. I replied back that it's because I can now train and cross train and I don't have to fight for my calendar. I'm not actually PR'ing every race but Saturday's race I did PR, I did place in my age division and I did win a Belk gift card which I was super excited about!

I think as the final divorce date moves further into my past I'm more able to file it as in the past and look forward to whatever the future holds. I am thankful that the nightmare is over. I'm thankful that I woke up!

Previous posts

So all of my pictures are gone! There is no way to fix this. I was looking at past posts and realized that the pictures are no longer there. Apparently when blogger and google linked it created some kind of link to picasa albums or something like this.

I have the pictures on my FB and now IG and on the computer but it takes forever to put together a picture blog post and I had so many memories saved. This falls into the category of something I can't change but I'm still not happy about it!

what is the focus

So it's not officially confirmed but I'm about 99% positive my ex-husband is married again. I realize that I knew all along that this is how it would happen. I just have to work through the last lingering bits of the fact that there was a tiny piece of my brain that actually wanted to believe the "I will love you forever, I will wait as long as it takes and I haven't really moved on" statements.

Realistically I understand that he is sick and that he can't love anyone other than himself. I totally understand this. Trying to wrap my brain around it is taking a little more work simply because long before I met him I had a brain that always wanted to believe the unrealistic fairy tale. Example, oh you cheated on me but really it's ok because you just needed to work through some things and now you've changed.

The good part for me is that as this process has gone on the time period for me moving through this is getting shorter and shorter. I know that I can't change any of this and being upset or angry over it is pointless. He is who he is and I knew through the entire process that he had not changed.

He started his relationship with me by lying, he started his current marriage with lies. When I compare my story to his first wife we had different lives but the pattern is very much the same. So I have a really good grasp of what the truth is and because of that I think I'm going to be more able to let this go. It's just all really fresh right now.

The truth is I'm prettier than his new wife and younger. I don't really get any satisfaction from that, which I guess shows that I'm growing up and I understand how little that really matters.

I had a conversation with my mom this morning about all this and how it's a process. She said that she didn't regret our wedding and I told her that I did. I truly didn't want a shower, I didn't want a wedding and I think one of the reasons behind it all was because in the back of my mind I had serious reservations.

The truth was I had almost called everything off about 2 weeks before the wedding. I didn't because I had shower presents sitting at his house. I had already sent out invitations. I would have left him so much sooner if we had eloped at the court house instead of me standing in front of my friends and family and making promises that I wholeheartedly meant.

I told my Mom that I understand that she wanted a wedding and that had she tried to stop it I would have gone ahead anyways. But the truth is it was because of my wedding that I didn't leave sooner. I think that this is not a bad thing. I used to run away from challenges and difficulties and because of the promises that I made I had to face everything. I had to work on myself. I got myself into Al-Anon.

God works all things for His good for those who love Him who are called according to His purposes. Even when I married someone and forced my own solution God used it so that He could grow me and change me. Had I left earlier on it's incredibly likely I would have repeated the pattern. I'm the girl who went to Charleston, found her own way home, and said she was going to take a break from dating only to start dating again 2 weeks later. God knew that in order to really get ahold of me He needed me right where I was. He did not cause my heartbreak and struggle and the bad things that were happening but He was able to use them in a very profound way.

Driving to the social security office this morning I was praying. I realized that I could dwell on my ex-husband's marriage and the lies and all of that or I could recognize that my joy has come in the morning. I can focus on the incredible blessings and life that I have. I can get myself all worked up over the things that I can not change or I can let go of those things because they are in the past and I can trust in the promises that God is good, that He is faithful, that He is more than enough and I can move forward knowing that He knows that plans that He has for me.

Step 12

When I started re-working my steps last year it was because my ex-husband had agreed to 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I realized he was going to beat my at finishing the steps and at that point I had been in Al-Anon for 2 1/2 years.

I remember looking at my sponsor in the meeting and saying I need a sponsor can you help me out. We met and talked and she agreed to be my sponsor and we started the steps over because I had been stuck on step 4 forever, or 2 years but you get the picture.

I began the process of writing out the homework and working through the various steps. Sure enough D finished his 12 steps long before I did and dropped out of AA sometime this past summer or fall I'm guessing. I'm still attending my meeting and still appreciating the gift of being a part of the program.

It's pretty incredible to look back over the past 3 1/2 years and realize just how far I've come. I've learned so much. I can look at my own motives and own my actions and choices. I can recognize when I'm not staying on my side of the street and when I'm trying to force solutions.

It's been a pretty incredible month. My divorce was final on April 1. I found out on April 13 that I passed my CIC exam and I officially achieved my designator. I finished my 11th and 12th step tonight. I will end this month at a week long retreat where I will have prepared for the 30 days leading up to it with devotions and prayers. I love how God works out the details!

I'm thankful that my sponsor has walked this journey with me over the past year. I'm thankful that I've finally completed the work and I can say that I've done my steps. I'm thankful for the program that helped me survive and then thrive both in my marriage and now out of it.

I'm such an instant gratification person that I've found myself wishing I could skip over this process of having to deal with my emotions and the hurts that still linger. Knowing that my ex-husband is very likely already married doesn't shock me. I knew that this is exactly what would happen. I know that he is a very sick individual. He was saying until December that he loved me, that there was no one else that he would ever love, that he had not moved on, that I was the only one for him. Finally I told him if he contacted me further I would send his then GF every message he had sent me since October. He's a liar and a fraud and I've known this all along. But knowing it and then facing the reality and processing it are a little different.

Life moves on. Fortunately for me I do have this retreat coming up. As hard as this week has been I do realize that I'm on the other side. I would not trade the freedom that I have for anything. I do not envy his new wife the journey she will have and the nightmare she will live.

I'm thankful that I have reached this place and I'm thankful that my journey continues. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future!

Shattered

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the stuff I've been processing since last week. Finding out that my divorce was final, and then realizing that my ex-husband contacted the lawyer and needed proof of divorce, it was what I knew would happen all along.

I have been sorting through various emotions. I wanted to get married. That was my goal. I achieved my goal. Then on my wedding day my life totally fell apart. It was on my wedding night that the thought flashed through my head that I had married the absolute wrong person. Why did I have that thought, because he would not tell me that if I gained weight he would love me. He said that we needed to work on being healthy. Y'all have read me long enough to know I have some serious issues about this subject and while this past year I've grown leaps and bounds on my wedding day I was probably as emotionally unstable as they come.

Years of starving, binging, gaining, losing, and a revolving door love life created a perfect situation for my now ex-husband to sweep in and fast track our relationship to the altar. Believe me I know I was just as much accountable. I should have dealt with myself. But I could should myself for the rest of my life and it's not going to be productive. Instead I will accept what I've learned and I will not repeat the patterns.

That day that I got married allowed God to finally get ahold of me. I've explained before that it was my moment at the well. Everything that I had defended and brushed aside, and tried to justify placed me in a marriage that shattered everything that I was. That sounds dramatic and if you read my pre-marriage writing I was the queen of the dramatic, but this is a different kind of intensity. Fortunately for me, even though I landed myself in a nightmare of my own making God used it to meet me and bring me forward. I don't think He caused any of it to happen but He used it in order to work it for His good.

It's the kind of breaking that meant those old pieces were never going to go back together again. Years of self-hatred and loathing were in the broken pieces of selfishness, manipulations and the need to control. When I think back on the stories I'm reminded that I hurt others and I cringe. I certainly landed in plenty of hurtful situations myself but I also am guilty of trying to force my own solutions and not caring if I hurt someone who cared about me. Example, the guy I went to Vegas with. In all honesty he was super decent. I should not have agreed to go. I should have acknowledged early into it that I just wasn't that into him. I think at this point reaching out would be wrong but I recognize that I was so wrong in how I handled all of that.

Once I left last year it was like a huge weight lifted. Then I agreed to go through the counseling process and I was terrified of going back. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he hadn't changed and going back would just prove how he hadn't changed. I'm thankful that I trusted the women that God put in my life as I went through that counseling process. For me it was so necessary to walk through that and be held accountable. I needed to be heard. They needed to know the story of everything that had happened. Because I was willing to go through that process I am now able to move forward into my life and talk about what happened in order to help others. 

The talking to others is sometimes really scary. It's not just sharing that I married someone who was verbally abusive it's also sharing that I had my own issues from long before I ever got married. It's way scarier to be honest and real about the eating disorder that I struggled with and in all honesty still struggle with. I've had to fight so hard since this past Thursday against that long time habit that would allow me to eat whatever I wanted to feel better and then get rid of it all. 

It's a process. This too shall pass. I'm fortunate that there are so many people in my life who care about me. Who stand along side of me. Who have been so amazing! I'm struggling with what my life is supposed to look like. I got married, it was so bad that I had to leave, and now what? Now where do I go? What is next? As I've been wrestling with this and praying and trying to sort through it all I am also working not to feel any sense of entitlement. See God gave His only Son who died for my sins. If nothing else good ever happens again in my life that is enough. I have a savior who died for me. Who loved me so much that He gave the greatest sacrifice. As I was praying this afternoon walking through the dress section at Belk I was reminded of this fact. 

Here in America because I do have so much it's easy to feel like God owes me something because that's the culture in which I live it says that God owes me. In reality everything that I am everything that I have it's all His. My life is not my own because of the price with which i was bought. So as I read scripture verses and study and sort throught these feelings I'm reminded that it's not all about me. I have been brought through a really really dark season, and He didn't bring me to this place for me to return to old habits and old party girl ways. 

Part of the struggle I'm facing is allowing Him to continue to be the main focus. It's easy now that the divorce is final to say OK, let's move this along. Instead I've promised Him, and myself, that I will not do things the way that I would have done them before. This is incredibly hard for me! I'm working to remember that I'm not the one in control. I've seen the results when I try to take control and force results. 

I know that it's very very early on into the finality fo my divorce. While it's felt like such a long time, it's really only been a short season. Last year at this time feels like an eternity ago and yet it's been just months. I'm willing to go wherever He leads, however it may look, and while I'm willing, I'm also fighting the old me who wants to control it all and tell Him how it needs to be done!

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Sometimes I do wish I could rewind my life the way I rewind a movie. Except I've accepted that I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the lessons from my life experiences.

I found out yesterday that my divorce was final on April 1. Yes God definitely has a sense of humor! 2 months and 11 days shy of 4 years after my wedding I am officially divorced. Typing that out and seeing it in print makes me sad. Not sad because I'm no longer with my ex-husband. Sad because it's not how a marriage is supposed to end. Marriage is supposed to be two people together who work to make it work.

In the email thread from my lawyer I saw that they had emailed my ex the divorce papers. I asked them if he had contacted my lawyer and he had because he had an appointment today and needed proof of his divorce. The only reason you need proof of your divorce is because you are applying for a marriage license. If he gets married today, in addition to the license, I won't be shocked.

I've honestly been struggling to let go of the anger and resentment that I didn't know were still lingering. I've realized that there are layers in this process of letting go. Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

The lyrics from our wedding song have been playing in my head today.

Had a picture in my head
How I thought it all would go
But who showed up instead
Turns out you never know
Love will steal you by surprise
And take your heart just like a thief
Love can bring can bring a stubborn man Down to one knee

Chorus: 
And I wouldn't change a thing
It's perfectly imperfect
So crazy but it's worth it
And I'm wrapped around you like this ring And something tells me that even if I could I wouldn't change a thing


Love will show you what you lack
Love will laugh at all your plans
And if your heart won't give it back
Love will slip right through your hands
But heaven knows we've had our share
Of days we'd rather leave behind
Oh but love don't really seem to care
It makes the wrong turns right

Bridge: 
I'm truly, deeply, madly, completely
Devoted, every moment, 'til my last breath I'm yours


Got a picture in my head of a hundred years from now 
When all our lines have all been read 
And we're both up there looking down

Matthew West "Wouldn't Change a Thing"

While the relationship that I had with my ex was dysfunctional and abusive the song itself would turn out to be prophetic. I thought I knew how it all would go and this marriage brought this stubborn girl down onto her knees. I wouldn't change a thing because as imperfect as it all was I see the beauty of how God worked out the details.

Love showed me what I lacked, and laughed at my plans. I'm thankful to leave behind the days of my marriage because it was so unhealthy. Instead of being truly madly completely devoted to D I'm truly madly completely devoted to the Lord, to His plans, to what He has for my future. I've fully surrendered to Him and whatever He has for me. Until my last breath I will seek to bring Glory to the Father.

One day I will stand before the Heavenly Father and answer for my life and the choices that I've made. I am thankful for the work that He has done for me. I am thankful for the brokenness that brought me to the now.

5 minutes

At some point last week the judge signed my divorce papers, I hope. Since I haven't heard anything one way or another I'm going with the no news is good news assumption.

Easter was so fun! I had nursery for the 9 service, I attended the 11 service and then I rushed home to help my Mom get Easter lunch served. It was so nice having everyone here and enjoying each other's company. I took Jack for a run after everyone left because it was so beautiful outside!

Work has slowed down significantly for which I am thankful. The downside, apparently I work better under extreme pressure. Now that I don't have 5 million things all required at the same time I have trouble focusing. I still have plenty to do. I have files that have to get published, July renewals that are supposed to already be done and August renewals that are supposed to be started.

I have been struggling to stay on task. I think that I'm perhaps a little burned out. I am off the last week of April to attend a Heartquest event. This is a week long retreat to get away and spend time with the Lord. Up until today I had been feeling extremely disconnected and unable to focus on the devotionals. There are 30 days of prep, 5 days on the retreat, and then 30 days follow up. I have been in this very weird place that I really don't like. PMS is real, and I know that a lot of my feelings are related to it this week.

Today was my first day to eat sweets after my year long sweets fast. Admittedly it's been a lot more sugar today than in the previous year. Including the large cup of ice dream from chick fil a at lunch. I ate half, ate my grilled chicken nuggets, and then the other half. I currently feel pretty nauseous.

I started the sweets fast when I was in a really bad place with the bulimia. I was freed from the bulimia in July of last year. Today I really wasn't prepared for the onslaught of memories triggered by the sugar. I actually plan to do another 60 day sweets fast starting tomorrow. I feel like I need to better prepare for this next one to end. I don't want to let go of the freedom that I have from the bulimia and eating sugar seems to be an enormous trigger. It's so eye opening to me that these things I think I've dealt with, and in some ways I have, have many different layers to them.

It's the way it is about D. I think I'll be doing fine and then Mom and Dad go out of town and I get hit with the unexpected like the GF having the conversation with him about the information that she has that he was telling another woman that he loved her 10 days before proposing to her. That left me in a weird place that weekend when my parents were out of town and I was struggling to stay accountable to not go back to old habits.

I've never been entirely sure why I felt like I was supposed to do this sweets fast I just knew very clearly that I was called to do it. In looking back I can see how the weeks leading up to me being set free from bulimia were positioning me and then afterwards helping me continue to move forward in freedom. There is something to all of this and I realize that I need to work through it.

I've shared in small group settings a few times now about the fact that I was set free last July. It's such an unnerving process to be this real with people because quite honestly people are likely to judge and while I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, and by sharing I might help someone else, it still leaves me in a vulnerable spot.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was and I'm not where I'm going but I'm right where I'm supposed to be!