Last week at work was slightly better, for which I'm thankful! I'm not anywhere near caught up but I didn't lose my voice, we'll call that progress.
I took Friday off because today is my Mom's birthday. I like to try and take the day so that we can spend time together since I'm usually so busy all the time. I did have a vet appointment scheduled for Jack at 9. He needed his yearly checkup. Then I also had to run by the car place to have them look at my AC.
My car is a 2007 Mazda 3 with 193,000 miles. The AC compressor is locked up and it would be $825 to fix it. I'm going to get a new car instead. Not something I had planned to do at this point but I can't live in NC and not have AC in my car.
After all that Mom and I went shopping, went to lunch, shopped some more and then we went home where she went out to dinner with my Dad and I went to the training class for working with human trafficking survivors.
I had bikini boot camp yesterday morning and my back is killing me today! I'm not sure what I did but it's not pleasant! I kept sitting down in church this morning because it feels better to sit than to stand.
My divorce will be final this week. In all honesty it feels a little anticlimactic. I have been working so hard this past year first to be willing to go through the counseling process, then after I ended the counseling process to continue to surrender the process to God.
When I found out about the girlfriend that was a whole other round of trying to process and move through. They are engaged, as best I can guess, and so now I know he will be married likely before the end of April. I don't actually "know" this but because I know how he operates this is what I believe will happen.
I did the best I could to provide her with information and she decided to disregard all that information. I'm sure that in her mind I, nor the other 2 wives, loved him enough, gave him enough forgiveness, supported him enough, and the list goes on. He is quite gifted at spinning the tale! So it will be what it will be. I've blocked him and her and his mom and sister on my FB so that for them I no longer exist and I don't have access to see whatever it is that they are posting. I simply can let it all go.
I have been able to move through this past year and grow and through it all my one goal has been that God will be glorified in my life. I've not done perfectly. I've certainly made mistakes. I know that sometimes I do vent, and I do have to express where I'm coming from.
At the end of this I am so thankful. Thankful I'm not where I was. I'm thankful for what I've learned. Most of all I'm incredibly thankful for how God will be able to use me because of the story that I am able to tell.
I am so thankful that even in the worst mess and horrible nightmare there will be good that comes from it!
I am excited for what God is doing and where He is leading. I don't have any idea what is coming and I accept that I simply have to trust in His plan.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
5 Minutes
Patrice's labor lasted from that post on March 5th until this past Friday March 20. She was having inconsistent contractions and she was definitely ready but baby W was taking his sweet time arriving.
It's been a minute since I wrote last. I ran my half marathon, I PR'd it. I'm very happy with how it went. I'm not happy with the nagging foot pain that landed me at the doctor today. Turns out one of my foot bones is longer than the others and that middle foot bone takes most of the pressure when I land. So the doctor gave me this foot pad thing that is supposed to help, it's annoying but I did run with Jack tonight minus that stabbing pain in my foot.
The week of March 9 I had my CIC class. I left after work on Tuesday and arrived in Cary, NC. Class started Wednesday morning at 8 and went until 5. Then 8-5 Thursday and 8-12 on Friday. I had 2 hours to study and then my all essay 2 hour exam started at 2. I used up pretty much the entire 2 hours as I wrote out my answers. The highlight was after the test I drove to Margaret's house in Durham.
Last October I found out from Margaret that she had met someone. What made it significant is she didn't just tell me she met someone she told me that she is going to marry him. I almost fell over. I was on my way to the Halloween party when I got this bit of news so of course I had to call her the following day for more details. My friend has long long long been very happy being on her own. For her to have met someone, and tell me she's going to marry him is HUGE!!!! I got to meet him and I am so very very very thankful that my friend has met someone so incredibly amazing!!!!! He's awesome and I love him and I'm so happy for her!!!!!!
They fixed dinner on Friday night and Margaret and I caught up. It takes a while for us to get together but then when we see each other it's like we've never been apart.
Saturday morning I was up early to drive home. I missed Jack and he missed me. I was going to try for 10 miles that afternoon but my Saturday long run was cut short but foot pain.
I'm aggravated that I'm dealing with injury. I have another half to run on 5/17.
This past Friday Patrice had baby W. I'm SO IN LOVE!!!!! Oh my gosh he's awesome!!!!
Spending time with her and her family this past weekend made me realize just how thankful I am that I never had children with D. Granted my marriage was way too awful from the get go for this to ever be a consideration but just knowing what an ass he would have been to everyone I'm so thankful that I did not have to go through that experience with him.
I'm working on letting go, and I'm doing much better. The thing is I'm perfectly happy and delighted that D is no longer going to be a part of my life. I'm MORE THAN READY for that. What hurts is that I wanted marriage and family and I wanted to have the life that I had. I didn't know it was going to be so hard and miserable but I had what I always wanted, although it was abusive and unhealthy. I'm not mourning the loss of D. He's a liar and a fraud and I'm can't say enough that I know it's good that he's getting married again and going to be someone elses nightmare. I just hurt knowing how hard I fought for a marriage that was such a lie from the beginning. I actually read one of the first emails from him. I had asked for him to explain to me the relationship that he had with his daughter's mom. In reading it today I am very aware of all the lies that he told.
The paper goes to the judge next Monday and will be signed off on at some point next week. It's finally almost over!!!!!
I had the meeting with the founder of the organization who works with victims of domestic human trafficking last Wednesday. It was a really good meeting and I'm excited for what God is going to do!
Work is still a nightmare. It's officially surpassed my previous job at the agency in terms of awful. I'm looking for a new job and praying for the right opportunity.
Law have mercy it felt good to write all that out! Life is crazy!
It's been a minute since I wrote last. I ran my half marathon, I PR'd it. I'm very happy with how it went. I'm not happy with the nagging foot pain that landed me at the doctor today. Turns out one of my foot bones is longer than the others and that middle foot bone takes most of the pressure when I land. So the doctor gave me this foot pad thing that is supposed to help, it's annoying but I did run with Jack tonight minus that stabbing pain in my foot.
The week of March 9 I had my CIC class. I left after work on Tuesday and arrived in Cary, NC. Class started Wednesday morning at 8 and went until 5. Then 8-5 Thursday and 8-12 on Friday. I had 2 hours to study and then my all essay 2 hour exam started at 2. I used up pretty much the entire 2 hours as I wrote out my answers. The highlight was after the test I drove to Margaret's house in Durham.
Last October I found out from Margaret that she had met someone. What made it significant is she didn't just tell me she met someone she told me that she is going to marry him. I almost fell over. I was on my way to the Halloween party when I got this bit of news so of course I had to call her the following day for more details. My friend has long long long been very happy being on her own. For her to have met someone, and tell me she's going to marry him is HUGE!!!! I got to meet him and I am so very very very thankful that my friend has met someone so incredibly amazing!!!!! He's awesome and I love him and I'm so happy for her!!!!!!
They fixed dinner on Friday night and Margaret and I caught up. It takes a while for us to get together but then when we see each other it's like we've never been apart.
Saturday morning I was up early to drive home. I missed Jack and he missed me. I was going to try for 10 miles that afternoon but my Saturday long run was cut short but foot pain.
I'm aggravated that I'm dealing with injury. I have another half to run on 5/17.
This past Friday Patrice had baby W. I'm SO IN LOVE!!!!! Oh my gosh he's awesome!!!!
Spending time with her and her family this past weekend made me realize just how thankful I am that I never had children with D. Granted my marriage was way too awful from the get go for this to ever be a consideration but just knowing what an ass he would have been to everyone I'm so thankful that I did not have to go through that experience with him.
I'm working on letting go, and I'm doing much better. The thing is I'm perfectly happy and delighted that D is no longer going to be a part of my life. I'm MORE THAN READY for that. What hurts is that I wanted marriage and family and I wanted to have the life that I had. I didn't know it was going to be so hard and miserable but I had what I always wanted, although it was abusive and unhealthy. I'm not mourning the loss of D. He's a liar and a fraud and I'm can't say enough that I know it's good that he's getting married again and going to be someone elses nightmare. I just hurt knowing how hard I fought for a marriage that was such a lie from the beginning. I actually read one of the first emails from him. I had asked for him to explain to me the relationship that he had with his daughter's mom. In reading it today I am very aware of all the lies that he told.
The paper goes to the judge next Monday and will be signed off on at some point next week. It's finally almost over!!!!!
I had the meeting with the founder of the organization who works with victims of domestic human trafficking last Wednesday. It was a really good meeting and I'm excited for what God is going to do!
Work is still a nightmare. It's officially surpassed my previous job at the agency in terms of awful. I'm looking for a new job and praying for the right opportunity.
Law have mercy it felt good to write all that out! Life is crazy!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
new things, old things, updates on things and running
OK... So as I'm typing this Patrice is in labor and baby W is going to be here in the next however many hours and I am beside myself!!!! I am so very excited for this next nephew!!!!!
Work is still a crazy insane unreal amount of work which translates to stress which translates to I've lost my voice because of it. There is a reason, I've taken a new assignment, I got behind while helping with this assignment while still carrying my full load, the year is just crazy busy in general, but at the end of the day I'm doing 3 peoples work instead of just one and it's really difficult! This too shall pass and I'm thankful for my job.
So here's the high level of what has been happening. D posted on FB that he and the gf had broken up. I reached out to her via linked in to tell her that I had been praying for her to have eyes to see and ears to hear and that she would have wisdom and discernment when it came to D. She replied back and asked me the time frame for the divorce. I explained that we are not yet divorced. She apologized and said that she and D started dating in August and that had she known he was not yet divorced she never would have dated him. I replied that she owed me no apologies D is quite the story teller.
So that was 2 weeks ago tonight. Last Monday I reached out to her just to let her know I had been praying and saying that I know it's hard to find out that this person you thought was so amazing is such a facade. To which she asked why I felt D is a facade. I explained that maybe that wasn't the right word perhaps illusionist is more like it. She asked me to explain. I tried to be diplomatic but finally I sent her the email that I sent D on 12/15 and said that this explained why our marriage was over. I also explained that he had been texting me up until December. She asked me to provide the texts from December, which I did.
So in one of the texts that D sent me he is claiming celibacy and sobriety, neither one of which I believed for a second. I told her that perhaps her story with D could be different and the 4th time could be a charm. Her response was that even if she could get past the lie about the divorce she could not get past the fact that 10 days before he proposed to her he told someone else that he loved them. She also stated that he has been neither celibate nor sober. I replied that I never thought he had been that I had lived with him for far too long. When she said that he had proposed I kicked myself for not putting money on that, I knew that I knew that I knew that he would be engaged before our divorce was final. I would even bet money that he gave her the diamond ring that he tried to buy me with last February after I left. Kicking myself for not putting some money on that! Anyways I thought that she was for sure going to not take him back.
My whole reason for reaching out is because I know how charming he can be and I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go through the nightmare that I lived through. He is an aboslute nightmare and I wished with everything in me to keep someone else from having to go through anything close to what I experienced. Well apparently despite her statement of not being able to take him back she did actually take him back.
Now that part didn't shock me overly much. I know that I too took him back more times than I can count and I believed every time that he would truly be better. It finally took my catalyst night for me to realize that he wasn't changing, that he was never going to change, and that I needed to get out!
Here's what does shock me. So the gf divorced in June 2014. There is still a custody trial going on. Her ex has apparently hired a private investigator. The private investigator called D's wife #1. Wife 1 called me asking me why a private investigator was calling her. I knew that there was a court case going on because I am amazing at google and I had pulled up the court calendar with the gf and ex husbands info. So she stands to lose custody of her child because she's dating D and even knowing that and knowing the information I provided she is still with him. FLOORED!!!!!
I realize that everyone has to walk their own journey and that I am never going to understand this I just have to accept that I'm not going to understand and I have to let go of it. There is a reason that D and I never had children. There is a reason that I think he is a horrible father. There is a reason that I wanted to provide information. I'm not mad at D, I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I'm very done. I want to be divorced from him. I hate that I have to have a divorce. I fought really really hard for that marriage. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that being done with D is the very best outcome for me. But being done with D and having to have a divorce are different things in my mind.
I'm able to accept that, and it's helping me as I process. I can't explain the level of intense disgust at his hypocrisy, at his lying, at his life, and the fact that I married him. However, had he been the man that he portrayed himself to be, even during the counseling process he and I would still be married and reconciled. I could see through him. I knew him well enough to know that he was lying. I might not know what was real and what wasn't during the years that we lived together but I know that he is beyond a shadow of a doubt the sickest, most messed up individual and culmination of every messed up relationship that I had.
I'm honestly in a really good place, despite the struggles. Last week I had to go through the emails from the archives of my marriage. I had to fight hard against the bulimic thoughts that were screaming at me. I reached out to trusted friends, I posted on IG, I made it through and I am thankful!
I run my 4th half marathon on Saturday and I am so excited! I've made it to this race and I am thankful!!! I signed up for the Greensboro half on May 17 and I'm looking forward to that one!
After Monday, provided D doesn't counterfile, the petition goes to the judge. My divorce should be final the last week of March, first of April. This is finally, finally almost over!!!
Work is still a crazy insane unreal amount of work which translates to stress which translates to I've lost my voice because of it. There is a reason, I've taken a new assignment, I got behind while helping with this assignment while still carrying my full load, the year is just crazy busy in general, but at the end of the day I'm doing 3 peoples work instead of just one and it's really difficult! This too shall pass and I'm thankful for my job.
So here's the high level of what has been happening. D posted on FB that he and the gf had broken up. I reached out to her via linked in to tell her that I had been praying for her to have eyes to see and ears to hear and that she would have wisdom and discernment when it came to D. She replied back and asked me the time frame for the divorce. I explained that we are not yet divorced. She apologized and said that she and D started dating in August and that had she known he was not yet divorced she never would have dated him. I replied that she owed me no apologies D is quite the story teller.
So that was 2 weeks ago tonight. Last Monday I reached out to her just to let her know I had been praying and saying that I know it's hard to find out that this person you thought was so amazing is such a facade. To which she asked why I felt D is a facade. I explained that maybe that wasn't the right word perhaps illusionist is more like it. She asked me to explain. I tried to be diplomatic but finally I sent her the email that I sent D on 12/15 and said that this explained why our marriage was over. I also explained that he had been texting me up until December. She asked me to provide the texts from December, which I did.
So in one of the texts that D sent me he is claiming celibacy and sobriety, neither one of which I believed for a second. I told her that perhaps her story with D could be different and the 4th time could be a charm. Her response was that even if she could get past the lie about the divorce she could not get past the fact that 10 days before he proposed to her he told someone else that he loved them. She also stated that he has been neither celibate nor sober. I replied that I never thought he had been that I had lived with him for far too long. When she said that he had proposed I kicked myself for not putting money on that, I knew that I knew that I knew that he would be engaged before our divorce was final. I would even bet money that he gave her the diamond ring that he tried to buy me with last February after I left. Kicking myself for not putting some money on that! Anyways I thought that she was for sure going to not take him back.
My whole reason for reaching out is because I know how charming he can be and I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go through the nightmare that I lived through. He is an aboslute nightmare and I wished with everything in me to keep someone else from having to go through anything close to what I experienced. Well apparently despite her statement of not being able to take him back she did actually take him back.
Now that part didn't shock me overly much. I know that I too took him back more times than I can count and I believed every time that he would truly be better. It finally took my catalyst night for me to realize that he wasn't changing, that he was never going to change, and that I needed to get out!
Here's what does shock me. So the gf divorced in June 2014. There is still a custody trial going on. Her ex has apparently hired a private investigator. The private investigator called D's wife #1. Wife 1 called me asking me why a private investigator was calling her. I knew that there was a court case going on because I am amazing at google and I had pulled up the court calendar with the gf and ex husbands info. So she stands to lose custody of her child because she's dating D and even knowing that and knowing the information I provided she is still with him. FLOORED!!!!!
I realize that everyone has to walk their own journey and that I am never going to understand this I just have to accept that I'm not going to understand and I have to let go of it. There is a reason that D and I never had children. There is a reason that I think he is a horrible father. There is a reason that I wanted to provide information. I'm not mad at D, I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I'm very done. I want to be divorced from him. I hate that I have to have a divorce. I fought really really hard for that marriage. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that being done with D is the very best outcome for me. But being done with D and having to have a divorce are different things in my mind.
I'm able to accept that, and it's helping me as I process. I can't explain the level of intense disgust at his hypocrisy, at his lying, at his life, and the fact that I married him. However, had he been the man that he portrayed himself to be, even during the counseling process he and I would still be married and reconciled. I could see through him. I knew him well enough to know that he was lying. I might not know what was real and what wasn't during the years that we lived together but I know that he is beyond a shadow of a doubt the sickest, most messed up individual and culmination of every messed up relationship that I had.
I'm honestly in a really good place, despite the struggles. Last week I had to go through the emails from the archives of my marriage. I had to fight hard against the bulimic thoughts that were screaming at me. I reached out to trusted friends, I posted on IG, I made it through and I am thankful!
I run my 4th half marathon on Saturday and I am so excited! I've made it to this race and I am thankful!!! I signed up for the Greensboro half on May 17 and I'm looking forward to that one!
After Monday, provided D doesn't counterfile, the petition goes to the judge. My divorce should be final the last week of March, first of April. This is finally, finally almost over!!!
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