Crazy Love by Francis Chan
From Amazon
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
It's not forever
Friday night I received the phone call from my Mom that Grandmommy had gone home. I had an opportunity that I will forever treasure. I sat by her bed that afternoon and remembered stories and told her thank you for being such an amazing part of my life.
Saturday morning Jack and I went for a run. It was a gorgeous morning! I got back to the house, showered and headed out with Jack to my parent's house. I figured my Mom would appreciate the puppy love. As soon as Jack realized we were getting close to my parent's house he started getting SO excited!!! My Aunt and Uncle from California were in town and so they got to meet Jack. I was thankful that he was mostly friendly to them!
Mom and I headed over to Grandmommy's apartment. We walked in and my mom just broke down in tears. As we went through the place she would start to cry then be ok again. We went through clothes. Packed everything up. My Dad and Aunt and Uncle arrived then my Mom's brother and his wife and my cousin. Then Mr. Clean arrived. Many hands made light work. We got the apartment emptied and everything loaded. Bean and Jelly arrived and they helped unload everything at my Uncle's house.
Mr. Clean left after loading everything and dropping me off at my Uncle's house to pick up Girl Clean. I had to walk the trail between my parent's house and my Uncle's house a few times. I kept praying as I walked, "Please God no snakes, please God no snakes, thank you God for clearing this path." We've always had snakes and I so did not want to cross one as I was going back and forth. Thankfully my prayers were answered yes and I saw no snakes except for the huge black snake that was on the side of the road dead.
After we unloaded we all went to lunch. We remembered Grandmommy. We sat at the same table where Mr. Clean proposed to me.
I picked Jack up from my parent's and drove home. Mr. Clean and Girl Clean were there. I changed clothes quickly and we left for church.
Sunday morning Jack and I went for a walk. I cried as I remembered different things about Grandmommy. It's an odd feeling knowing that she is no longer here. I rejoice knowing that she is in heaven. I rejoice knowing that she left such a legacy for her family. I cried knowing that it will (most likely) be a while before I see her again. Overall I am truly thankful and so incredibly blessed that she was such an amazing and powerful impact on my life.
If I hadn't had my grandparent's then I would not be where I am today. I have been richly blessed and I am so very thankful!!!
After our walk Jack and I went back to the house. We were going to the Clean parent's for lunch. I showered and got ready and got Girl Clean ready. Lunch was an early Memorial Day celebration with hamburgers and hot dogs. We said good bye and went home to hang out for a little while. Mr. Clean took Girl Clean back to her Mom. I made chocolate chip cookies.
Monday I took Jack for a run. It was so hot and humid!!! I got home, showered, did some laundry and headed down to the farmhouse. My Grandparent's lived in the farmhouse for years. When Grandaddy got sick my mom's brother and his wife moved down. This is the same Uncle whose house we unloaded stuff at on Saturday. He and his wife now live down at the farmhouse.
The neighbors at the Farm have lived there for a long time and they were friends of my Grandparent's. So they asked if they could make lunch for us on Monday in honor of my Grandmommy. It was such a sweet time being back down there. We actually celebrated Thanksgiving down there this past year but I was with Family Clean.
After lunch I drove home and caught up with Mr. Clean on his day. Despite the holiday he still worked. We had dinner and enjoyed relaxing. I struggled from Friday after saying goodbye to Grandmommy through yesterday with keeping my voice. I was so upset and the way that it was evident was the fact that I just couldn't keep my voice.
Tuesday morning I woke up early. I put on my dress. I said good bye to Mr. Clean and Jack. I had a change of clothes for after the service. I had to drive in to my office to update my out of office, change my voicemail and make sure that I had everything covered for the day. I left the office and drove to my parents. They had already gone to take my Aunt and Uncle to the airport so I had the house to myself. I read and relaxed and then at 9:40 I left to go to the cemetery.
The service started at 11 but I had instructions to be there at 10:30 and I along with the rest of the family all showed up earlier then that. It was a humid morning, but fortunately it did not rain on us. My mom's sister started things off. Then the chaplain from the place where Grandmommy lived these past few years spoke. It was such a blessing to hear her talk about how wonderful Grandmommy was.
My Grandmother would meet you and very shortly after that have your whole life story. She was gracious and charming and always quick to lend a hand or a listening ear. She was working with the chaplain to find a way to help others at the place where she lived. In closing the chaplain talked about how Grandmommy was such an example of God's love and she mentioned 1 Corinthians 13. It was a wonderful celebration of life!
After the service we headed back to my parent's for lunch. We spent time talking and just being together. I'm thankful that it all went so smoothly and everyone got along. It could not have been a better day of saying goodbye to the glue who held our family together.
I'm so thankful that I had such a wonderful Grandmother. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend so much time with her. I'm so blessed by having her as such a large part of my life. I'm thankful to know that she is in heaven rejoicing and dancing on the streets of gold!
Saturday morning Jack and I went for a run. It was a gorgeous morning! I got back to the house, showered and headed out with Jack to my parent's house. I figured my Mom would appreciate the puppy love. As soon as Jack realized we were getting close to my parent's house he started getting SO excited!!! My Aunt and Uncle from California were in town and so they got to meet Jack. I was thankful that he was mostly friendly to them!
Mom and I headed over to Grandmommy's apartment. We walked in and my mom just broke down in tears. As we went through the place she would start to cry then be ok again. We went through clothes. Packed everything up. My Dad and Aunt and Uncle arrived then my Mom's brother and his wife and my cousin. Then Mr. Clean arrived. Many hands made light work. We got the apartment emptied and everything loaded. Bean and Jelly arrived and they helped unload everything at my Uncle's house.
Mr. Clean left after loading everything and dropping me off at my Uncle's house to pick up Girl Clean. I had to walk the trail between my parent's house and my Uncle's house a few times. I kept praying as I walked, "Please God no snakes, please God no snakes, thank you God for clearing this path." We've always had snakes and I so did not want to cross one as I was going back and forth. Thankfully my prayers were answered yes and I saw no snakes except for the huge black snake that was on the side of the road dead.
After we unloaded we all went to lunch. We remembered Grandmommy. We sat at the same table where Mr. Clean proposed to me.
I picked Jack up from my parent's and drove home. Mr. Clean and Girl Clean were there. I changed clothes quickly and we left for church.
Sunday morning Jack and I went for a walk. I cried as I remembered different things about Grandmommy. It's an odd feeling knowing that she is no longer here. I rejoice knowing that she is in heaven. I rejoice knowing that she left such a legacy for her family. I cried knowing that it will (most likely) be a while before I see her again. Overall I am truly thankful and so incredibly blessed that she was such an amazing and powerful impact on my life.
If I hadn't had my grandparent's then I would not be where I am today. I have been richly blessed and I am so very thankful!!!
After our walk Jack and I went back to the house. We were going to the Clean parent's for lunch. I showered and got ready and got Girl Clean ready. Lunch was an early Memorial Day celebration with hamburgers and hot dogs. We said good bye and went home to hang out for a little while. Mr. Clean took Girl Clean back to her Mom. I made chocolate chip cookies.
Monday I took Jack for a run. It was so hot and humid!!! I got home, showered, did some laundry and headed down to the farmhouse. My Grandparent's lived in the farmhouse for years. When Grandaddy got sick my mom's brother and his wife moved down. This is the same Uncle whose house we unloaded stuff at on Saturday. He and his wife now live down at the farmhouse.
The neighbors at the Farm have lived there for a long time and they were friends of my Grandparent's. So they asked if they could make lunch for us on Monday in honor of my Grandmommy. It was such a sweet time being back down there. We actually celebrated Thanksgiving down there this past year but I was with Family Clean.
After lunch I drove home and caught up with Mr. Clean on his day. Despite the holiday he still worked. We had dinner and enjoyed relaxing. I struggled from Friday after saying goodbye to Grandmommy through yesterday with keeping my voice. I was so upset and the way that it was evident was the fact that I just couldn't keep my voice.
Tuesday morning I woke up early. I put on my dress. I said good bye to Mr. Clean and Jack. I had a change of clothes for after the service. I had to drive in to my office to update my out of office, change my voicemail and make sure that I had everything covered for the day. I left the office and drove to my parents. They had already gone to take my Aunt and Uncle to the airport so I had the house to myself. I read and relaxed and then at 9:40 I left to go to the cemetery.
The service started at 11 but I had instructions to be there at 10:30 and I along with the rest of the family all showed up earlier then that. It was a humid morning, but fortunately it did not rain on us. My mom's sister started things off. Then the chaplain from the place where Grandmommy lived these past few years spoke. It was such a blessing to hear her talk about how wonderful Grandmommy was.
My Grandmother would meet you and very shortly after that have your whole life story. She was gracious and charming and always quick to lend a hand or a listening ear. She was working with the chaplain to find a way to help others at the place where she lived. In closing the chaplain talked about how Grandmommy was such an example of God's love and she mentioned 1 Corinthians 13. It was a wonderful celebration of life!
After the service we headed back to my parent's for lunch. We spent time talking and just being together. I'm thankful that it all went so smoothly and everyone got along. It could not have been a better day of saying goodbye to the glue who held our family together.
I'm so thankful that I had such a wonderful Grandmother. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend so much time with her. I'm so blessed by having her as such a large part of my life. I'm thankful to know that she is in heaven rejoicing and dancing on the streets of gold!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Good bye
I left work today at 3. As I was walking to my car I was thinking about how I wished that my original plan was still in place. Instead I knew I was going to say good bye. I knew when I woke up this morning.
I met my Mom at a park to ride with her to see my Grandmommy. We drove down to Hospice in Monroe.We walked down the hall way into the room. It took me a little bit to compose myself. There were visitors who came in from the place where Grandmommy has lived the past few years.
Once they left I was finally able to talk to my Grandmommy. I thanked her for all the memories. I spoke to her about how much I appreciated her. I told her how much I loved her. Mom talked to her. Read scripture. We prayed. Then we kissed her goodbye, said I love you and we said goodbye.
Going in to dinner my Uncle called my Mom to let her know that Hospice had called him. I received a call just around 10:15 from my Mom. Grandmommy has gone home. I have been so blessed to have her in my life. To have the opportunity to say thank you and good bye. I know that good bye is not forever, what a blessing that is!
I met my Mom at a park to ride with her to see my Grandmommy. We drove down to Hospice in Monroe.We walked down the hall way into the room. It took me a little bit to compose myself. There were visitors who came in from the place where Grandmommy has lived the past few years.
Once they left I was finally able to talk to my Grandmommy. I thanked her for all the memories. I spoke to her about how much I appreciated her. I told her how much I loved her. Mom talked to her. Read scripture. We prayed. Then we kissed her goodbye, said I love you and we said goodbye.
Going in to dinner my Uncle called my Mom to let her know that Hospice had called him. I received a call just around 10:15 from my Mom. Grandmommy has gone home. I have been so blessed to have her in my life. To have the opportunity to say thank you and good bye. I know that good bye is not forever, what a blessing that is!
Fashion Friday
So I found a website to edit pictures. The first picture is touched, where I flattened my stomach and skinny-ed out the back of my leg.
This is the untouched picture, other then cropping and making it sharper because it was pretty blurry. Got to love trying to snap quick phone pics in the bathroom and avoid getting caught because how embarrasing would that be!!!
Full length shot so you can see the outfit. These are the Gap jeans that I have featured in more then 1 fashion friday. I think they are fabulous and I wear them often!!! Thank you Heather for posting about them!!!
I appreciate the support about my Grandmommy. She is currently peaceful, and yesterday she was responsive. She recognized both my Aunts. I'm leaving from work today to go with my Mom down to see her. I remember with my Grandaddy we were given the gift of his lucidity right before he passed away.
"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
A Grandmommy like mine
Margaret said goodbye to her Daddy at the same time her first granddaughter (me) was born. When she arrived back in Charlotte she beelined it to my parent's house. Barely acknowledging my mom she had to meet me. The first grandchild, I was the apple of her eye. She turned 56 in July and I was born the next month.
I have vague memories of the farmhouse where my Mom grew up. I would stay with my Grandparents and sleep in the room that my Mom and my Aunt shared growing up. There are pictures of my kindergarten class visiting the farm and us going on a hay ride together.
When I was 7 my Grandparents moved down to Monroe. The Charlotte airport was taking over quite a bit of the land where they lived. My Grandaddy had retired early from Eastern airlines early and they were able to travel all over the United States.
I would stay with Grandmommy and we would watch movies, The Sound of Music was one of my favorites. She was always encouraging me to be active. She and Grandaddy bought my brother and I bikes for Christmas. She bought roller skates and kid workout programs all to inspire me to keep moving.
During the summer we would stay with my Grandparents at the lake house. All our major summertime holidays were spent there with our family. My Grandparents loved having everyone there. For most of my growing up years Grandaddy had a boat and Grandmommy loved going on boat rides.
During the Christmas season Grandmommy would take me shopping so I could buy Christmas presents for my mom. Once I got older this became the time when she would buy my Christmas presents. Usually I would stay with my Grandparents Thanksgiving to the following Sunday and this would be when Grandmommy and I would go shop.
The summer after I graduated from college the ladies in my family took a trip to Beaufort, SC. We had such an amazing time! There are also the memories of the beach trips in August. For years my Grandparents rented a house at the beach for us all to enjoy. The last year my Grandmommy rented the house was the year my job was a daily nightmare. The week I was supposed to go was the week I was informed I was being demoted, then promoted the next day. Because of the instability I didn't make the trip. However the year before my cousin and I took a surfing lesson and it was an amazing wonderful memory and I'm so glad I have it.
As she got older she became less and less comfortable driving. Eventually I became the one who drove her. In my ridiculous schedule I did my best to make time to go see her and take her to lunch. It was not as often as desirable but I know that I did my best with the time I had.
I remember when Bean took us to dinner the day after Valentines and made us promise not to tell Mom about Jelly. I remember her at my brother's wedding. Oh how she glowed. The trip was so long and I'm so thankful that she endured it so that she could be there. She danced with my brother if I remember correctly. She was so excited and so loved the celebration! I roomed with her, and looking back now I treasure that.
She attended my bridal shower and my wedding. I treasure that she was able to be there and participate! The years after my Grandaddy said goodbye she stayed with my parents during Christmas. Oh how she adored Christmas and presents and her stocking. Mom and I would make sure that she had plenty of goodies to open from her stocking on Christmas morning.
In February I had the most precious moment with her. We knew that her health was failing and we knew that she had really been struggling. I took her hand in mine and looked at her and said you love Jesus, right? She said yes. I said you have asked Jesus in your heart, right? She said yes. I said you have known Him, and loved Him and served Him, right? And she said "OH yes!". It was at that moment when I had peace. I know that good bye is not forever.
As I've watched my sweet Grandmommy these past few months it has been so hard. She hurts, she can't see, she can't hear. She is so very uncomfortable. When I spent time with her the Saturday before Mother's Day it was so hard because I know that this is only a shadow of my Grandmommy.
Today they have taken my Grandmommy by ambulance to hospice. She is unresponsive. She has been taken off almost all medication. They are making the funeral arrangements. We will be saying goodbye. We have known this day is coming we have been preparing for it.
When I think of Margaret/Grandmommy I smile. I know that she's going home. She will see her Frank she will see her parents. She will see the streets of gold and be in the presence of the Heavenly Father.
I have vague memories of the farmhouse where my Mom grew up. I would stay with my Grandparents and sleep in the room that my Mom and my Aunt shared growing up. There are pictures of my kindergarten class visiting the farm and us going on a hay ride together.
When I was 7 my Grandparents moved down to Monroe. The Charlotte airport was taking over quite a bit of the land where they lived. My Grandaddy had retired early from Eastern airlines early and they were able to travel all over the United States.
I would stay with Grandmommy and we would watch movies, The Sound of Music was one of my favorites. She was always encouraging me to be active. She and Grandaddy bought my brother and I bikes for Christmas. She bought roller skates and kid workout programs all to inspire me to keep moving.
During the summer we would stay with my Grandparents at the lake house. All our major summertime holidays were spent there with our family. My Grandparents loved having everyone there. For most of my growing up years Grandaddy had a boat and Grandmommy loved going on boat rides.
During the Christmas season Grandmommy would take me shopping so I could buy Christmas presents for my mom. Once I got older this became the time when she would buy my Christmas presents. Usually I would stay with my Grandparents Thanksgiving to the following Sunday and this would be when Grandmommy and I would go shop.
The summer after I graduated from college the ladies in my family took a trip to Beaufort, SC. We had such an amazing time! There are also the memories of the beach trips in August. For years my Grandparents rented a house at the beach for us all to enjoy. The last year my Grandmommy rented the house was the year my job was a daily nightmare. The week I was supposed to go was the week I was informed I was being demoted, then promoted the next day. Because of the instability I didn't make the trip. However the year before my cousin and I took a surfing lesson and it was an amazing wonderful memory and I'm so glad I have it.
As she got older she became less and less comfortable driving. Eventually I became the one who drove her. In my ridiculous schedule I did my best to make time to go see her and take her to lunch. It was not as often as desirable but I know that I did my best with the time I had.
I remember when Bean took us to dinner the day after Valentines and made us promise not to tell Mom about Jelly. I remember her at my brother's wedding. Oh how she glowed. The trip was so long and I'm so thankful that she endured it so that she could be there. She danced with my brother if I remember correctly. She was so excited and so loved the celebration! I roomed with her, and looking back now I treasure that.
She attended my bridal shower and my wedding. I treasure that she was able to be there and participate! The years after my Grandaddy said goodbye she stayed with my parents during Christmas. Oh how she adored Christmas and presents and her stocking. Mom and I would make sure that she had plenty of goodies to open from her stocking on Christmas morning.
In February I had the most precious moment with her. We knew that her health was failing and we knew that she had really been struggling. I took her hand in mine and looked at her and said you love Jesus, right? She said yes. I said you have asked Jesus in your heart, right? She said yes. I said you have known Him, and loved Him and served Him, right? And she said "OH yes!". It was at that moment when I had peace. I know that good bye is not forever.
As I've watched my sweet Grandmommy these past few months it has been so hard. She hurts, she can't see, she can't hear. She is so very uncomfortable. When I spent time with her the Saturday before Mother's Day it was so hard because I know that this is only a shadow of my Grandmommy.
Today they have taken my Grandmommy by ambulance to hospice. She is unresponsive. She has been taken off almost all medication. They are making the funeral arrangements. We will be saying goodbye. We have known this day is coming we have been preparing for it.
When I think of Margaret/Grandmommy I smile. I know that she's going home. She will see her Frank she will see her parents. She will see the streets of gold and be in the presence of the Heavenly Father.
Life
I got home last night and took Jack to run sprints. Basically after the 5th or 6th one he starts looking at me like I'm crazy. I can't run long with him because it's too hot for him. 15 minutes of consistent running and then I took him inside.
I had to cancel my weekend trip and I am so incredibly disappointed. My Grandmommy was admitted to ICU on Sunday evening. I kept expecting to hear that she is improving and while she is stable she is not responsive. They determined that she is experiencing congestive heart failure, possibly pneumonia and she failed the swallow test yesterday.
When I spent time with my Mom and Grandmommy on Mother's Day weekend my Grandmother was loopy and very very tired. She can't hear, she can't see, her body hurts all the time. I know that everything happens in His time, and I've been praying that she will find comfort and peace in Him during this time.
She could improve again and stay here a while longer. We are all just taking it one day at a time.
When I got home yesterday and asked Mr. Clean how his day was he made sure to point out that it didn't start off very well at 6 that morning. I thought to myself yes well you brought that one on yourself. I'm working on my attitude.
We have agreed to disagree on the subject of me traveling. He believes that I should be there on weekends because we have Girl Clean and we should both be there and be a family. What he fails to understand and what I tried to explain, Girl Clean has Mommy. I'm L. When she's with us she needs Daddy. I'm there, and I love her. When she is with us I usually do the majority. There is no court set visitation, it was a mediated agreement. The agreement states every other weekend although Amy is really amazing about letting us see her every weekend.
I know what a court ordered visitation schedule is like. I've lived it. C would drive every Tuesday evening to pick up G. Then every other weekend he would pick her up and her Mom would pick her up on Sunday evening. There was no variation. Vacations had to be cleared well ahead of time.
More often then not it's my husband who I don't agree with over the whole visitation situation. I get that you're tired, and that you don't have any energy, I don't really care. It's my opinion that time should be made one night during the week to see Girl Clean. Weekends suit up and show up to be Dad. It's not complicated.
There have been so many positive changes but it's easy for me to let myself get frustrated and enmeshed in what's wrong. I know that it's taken time to see the positive changes. I know that every day brings new growth and change. I know that I have to let go of my frustrations and aggravations and I will continue to plan for time just for me so that I preserve my sanity.
I had to cancel my weekend trip and I am so incredibly disappointed. My Grandmommy was admitted to ICU on Sunday evening. I kept expecting to hear that she is improving and while she is stable she is not responsive. They determined that she is experiencing congestive heart failure, possibly pneumonia and she failed the swallow test yesterday.
When I spent time with my Mom and Grandmommy on Mother's Day weekend my Grandmother was loopy and very very tired. She can't hear, she can't see, her body hurts all the time. I know that everything happens in His time, and I've been praying that she will find comfort and peace in Him during this time.
She could improve again and stay here a while longer. We are all just taking it one day at a time.
When I got home yesterday and asked Mr. Clean how his day was he made sure to point out that it didn't start off very well at 6 that morning. I thought to myself yes well you brought that one on yourself. I'm working on my attitude.
We have agreed to disagree on the subject of me traveling. He believes that I should be there on weekends because we have Girl Clean and we should both be there and be a family. What he fails to understand and what I tried to explain, Girl Clean has Mommy. I'm L. When she's with us she needs Daddy. I'm there, and I love her. When she is with us I usually do the majority. There is no court set visitation, it was a mediated agreement. The agreement states every other weekend although Amy is really amazing about letting us see her every weekend.
I know what a court ordered visitation schedule is like. I've lived it. C would drive every Tuesday evening to pick up G. Then every other weekend he would pick her up and her Mom would pick her up on Sunday evening. There was no variation. Vacations had to be cleared well ahead of time.
More often then not it's my husband who I don't agree with over the whole visitation situation. I get that you're tired, and that you don't have any energy, I don't really care. It's my opinion that time should be made one night during the week to see Girl Clean. Weekends suit up and show up to be Dad. It's not complicated.
There have been so many positive changes but it's easy for me to let myself get frustrated and enmeshed in what's wrong. I know that it's taken time to see the positive changes. I know that every day brings new growth and change. I know that I have to let go of my frustrations and aggravations and I will continue to plan for time just for me so that I preserve my sanity.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
confrontation
Most of my life I've avoided confrontation. I don't like it. Would rather not deal with it. In high school I had 2 girls I considered close friends. Although by the end of senior year something had changed, I don't know what. There was never a confrontation for fight, but the night of graduation they were supposed to call me and they never did.
Which was fine. I went on to travel that summer. I had the most amazing summer traveling with Children of the American Revolution on Regional tour. I started in Seattle, Washington. I flew home for college orientation. I flew out to St. Louis, MO.
From St. Louis, MO to Nashville, TN to New Orleans, LA, to Huntsville, AL up to Kentucky to do some laundry at a friends house. From there to Indianapolis, IN to Gettysburg for another stay at a friends house before driving on to DC, or I think to be specific Alexandria, VA but I can't remember exaclty. Then from DC to someplace in New Hampshire.
I loved the girls I was rooming with. There were many of us. I loved the people on board. Children of the American Revolution is a patriotic youth organization. It starts on the local level with local societies, these comprise the state societies. Then you have regions, example Southeastern Region is Alabama, Florida, Georgia, NC and SC. Then you have national level. My mom was a member of Daughter's of the American Revolution and this is how I became involved in CAR.
During the summer the national board travels to the 9 different regions. They put on skits and introduce the national programs for the year to the members. It is an absolute blast to serve on National Board! You age out on your 22nd birthday. Usually National Board members are 15 (sometimes younger) to 21.
The next summer I travelled on tour again. Except it wasn't the same. I was rooming with different girls. There was the night I was talked about, because they thought I was asleep. It ended my desire to travel on tour any longer. I never confronted anyone I just let it go and moved on.
In college I lived with Tiffany from 2nd semester (January 99) of sophomore year until August 01 when I graduated. She and I worked together, lived together and hung out together. By the time I left the apartment my goodbye was a note on the whiteboard. It took several years before we spoke to each other again. Obviously we've patched up our friendship. It took me writing a letter and dealing with some things in order for me to appreciate her. I was a pretty awful roommate.
Patrice and I have had our share of knock down drag out disagreements. Yet through it all we've managed to work it out. Before her wedding I almost wasn't in it. I was hurting and jealous and a rift formed between us. Fortunately we had a sit down come to Jesus meeting in Starbucks and kissed and made up. I stood behind her on the day she got married, and I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else.
My friend Margs and I, we've only had 1 time where we weren't speaking, it was in college. When we made up we promised we would never do that again.
Dr. Margaret and I didn't speak for a little while after I moved out of the apartment but we made ammends fairly quickly.
All these examples to say that when it really matters I do acknowledge my part and I do ask forgiveness.
In dating, I kicked them out of my life instead of dealing with them. I tried to kick Mr. Clean to the curb, but he proposed and we got married. So all the time I could have been working on how to deal with conflict in relationship I was just moving on to the next guy... And that brings me to here.
I'm learning. I still don't like conflict. I'm also not a doormat. This means that I have to deal with things when they happen. I may have to take a step back, and think, but I will eventually confront whatever it is.
The biggest red flag waved in front of me is telling me what I'm thinking or feeling. This is not OK with me. My mom tends to do it to me too. Drives me BATTY!!!! In a very nice way today I have addressed this with my husband. I have requested that when we are having a conversation that my thoughts and feelings not be told to me. Even if he thinks he knows, he doesn't need to tell me.
I'm a work in progress.
Which was fine. I went on to travel that summer. I had the most amazing summer traveling with Children of the American Revolution on Regional tour. I started in Seattle, Washington. I flew home for college orientation. I flew out to St. Louis, MO.
From St. Louis, MO to Nashville, TN to New Orleans, LA, to Huntsville, AL up to Kentucky to do some laundry at a friends house. From there to Indianapolis, IN to Gettysburg for another stay at a friends house before driving on to DC, or I think to be specific Alexandria, VA but I can't remember exaclty. Then from DC to someplace in New Hampshire.
I loved the girls I was rooming with. There were many of us. I loved the people on board. Children of the American Revolution is a patriotic youth organization. It starts on the local level with local societies, these comprise the state societies. Then you have regions, example Southeastern Region is Alabama, Florida, Georgia, NC and SC. Then you have national level. My mom was a member of Daughter's of the American Revolution and this is how I became involved in CAR.
During the summer the national board travels to the 9 different regions. They put on skits and introduce the national programs for the year to the members. It is an absolute blast to serve on National Board! You age out on your 22nd birthday. Usually National Board members are 15 (sometimes younger) to 21.
The next summer I travelled on tour again. Except it wasn't the same. I was rooming with different girls. There was the night I was talked about, because they thought I was asleep. It ended my desire to travel on tour any longer. I never confronted anyone I just let it go and moved on.
In college I lived with Tiffany from 2nd semester (January 99) of sophomore year until August 01 when I graduated. She and I worked together, lived together and hung out together. By the time I left the apartment my goodbye was a note on the whiteboard. It took several years before we spoke to each other again. Obviously we've patched up our friendship. It took me writing a letter and dealing with some things in order for me to appreciate her. I was a pretty awful roommate.
Patrice and I have had our share of knock down drag out disagreements. Yet through it all we've managed to work it out. Before her wedding I almost wasn't in it. I was hurting and jealous and a rift formed between us. Fortunately we had a sit down come to Jesus meeting in Starbucks and kissed and made up. I stood behind her on the day she got married, and I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else.
My friend Margs and I, we've only had 1 time where we weren't speaking, it was in college. When we made up we promised we would never do that again.
Dr. Margaret and I didn't speak for a little while after I moved out of the apartment but we made ammends fairly quickly.
All these examples to say that when it really matters I do acknowledge my part and I do ask forgiveness.
In dating, I kicked them out of my life instead of dealing with them. I tried to kick Mr. Clean to the curb, but he proposed and we got married. So all the time I could have been working on how to deal with conflict in relationship I was just moving on to the next guy... And that brings me to here.
I'm learning. I still don't like conflict. I'm also not a doormat. This means that I have to deal with things when they happen. I may have to take a step back, and think, but I will eventually confront whatever it is.
The biggest red flag waved in front of me is telling me what I'm thinking or feeling. This is not OK with me. My mom tends to do it to me too. Drives me BATTY!!!! In a very nice way today I have addressed this with my husband. I have requested that when we are having a conversation that my thoughts and feelings not be told to me. Even if he thinks he knows, he doesn't need to tell me.
I'm a work in progress.
progress
Last night I drove to the gym and I had a tweet running through my head... "I wish I could undo I do". I didn't tweet it. I know once it there you can't take it back.
What provoked this thought? Yesterday afternoon I got home and it was a typical afternoon. I explained my plan, have dinner, go to the gym. Mr. Clean was making dinner and he fixed Jamaican jerk chicken and beef in the oven with veggies done on the stove and we had wraps last night that were delicious!
I had eaten and was about to go change for the gym when he asks me to come sit down. Then he starts to express that he wants me to think about the amount of trips I take. That I'm married and that I should act like it. I'm sitting thinking damn we should have had this conversation as part of the expectations during premarital counseling.
This subject has been a constant source of strife between us. In fact when I left one of my reasons was because I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting to see my friends. When Patrice has baby L in September I fully intend to be there the following month in October. I have my PTO days scheduled.
I have a trip this weekend that has been on the calendar for months. I have Patrice's shower in June. I'm taking a Friday off from work to help with preparations and her shower will be on a Saturday, this counts as a trip, in his mind. Regardless that I pointed out the Friday is not going to take any time away from him since he will be WORKING.
Then in July I have 3 days in a row off, and I've arranged to work 1/2 days the last 2 days of the week. We're going to have Girl Clean. I have mentioned that when we have her I do a lot. I specifically talked to her Mom about this week in July and asked if we could have her. I thought it would be a good time for us and it would be a great opportunity to hopefully start a summer tradition. Last night I was told not to bother if I didn't want to do this and that he could hire someone if it wasn't convenient for me.
This came up as we were about 1/2 way through our conversation. I was so ticked off. The whole situation frustrates me. I told him whatever he wanted to do was fine with me.
In August I was planning to take 2 pto days, the day before and the day after my birthday. Because I was able to arrange 2 1/2 days of PTO I will just be taking my birthday off. So this means I have no trips planned for August. Let's count this up, no trip in June, no trip in July, no trip in August and no trip in September... The October trip is planned...
BEAT HEAD AGAINST THE WALL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME
If I thought he would ever read the blog I wouldn't write this but it's obvious to me that he's not going to so I figure I might as well effectively use my little space to vent it out.
So saying I also have to acknowledge that this conversation didn't turn into a knockdown drag out fight. I give a lot of credit to the fact that as soon as I realized what was happening I started praying. I have noticed the past few times how effective my prayers can be in keeping a conversation from turning into a scene.
This morning I stated that I heard everything that he said. I stated that I acknowledged and understood what I signed up for when I married him and I do a lot when we have Girl Clean. I also pointed out that she has Mommy and I am her L. I stated that when I go out of town this gives her one on one time with Daddy.
Perhaps if I wasn't coming off a weekend where I felt that I had just done the majority, he did the craft project and he watched her at the park, then maybe I wouldn't have felt quite so unkind about this whole subject of conversation.
I mentioned a few posts ago that I don't feel as connected to Girl Clean and maybe that's because of my relationship with her Dad. What I realized last night is this isn't the case. I would do whatever I had to do (and I actually do) to protect my girl, I just don't let her Dad know it.
Life is better then it has been. This morning after I left I received an apology. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, but he apologized anyways. I am praying that if there are areas that I need to work on then I will be shown those areas.
It's progress not perfection.
What provoked this thought? Yesterday afternoon I got home and it was a typical afternoon. I explained my plan, have dinner, go to the gym. Mr. Clean was making dinner and he fixed Jamaican jerk chicken and beef in the oven with veggies done on the stove and we had wraps last night that were delicious!
I had eaten and was about to go change for the gym when he asks me to come sit down. Then he starts to express that he wants me to think about the amount of trips I take. That I'm married and that I should act like it. I'm sitting thinking damn we should have had this conversation as part of the expectations during premarital counseling.
This subject has been a constant source of strife between us. In fact when I left one of my reasons was because I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting to see my friends. When Patrice has baby L in September I fully intend to be there the following month in October. I have my PTO days scheduled.
I have a trip this weekend that has been on the calendar for months. I have Patrice's shower in June. I'm taking a Friday off from work to help with preparations and her shower will be on a Saturday, this counts as a trip, in his mind. Regardless that I pointed out the Friday is not going to take any time away from him since he will be WORKING.
Then in July I have 3 days in a row off, and I've arranged to work 1/2 days the last 2 days of the week. We're going to have Girl Clean. I have mentioned that when we have her I do a lot. I specifically talked to her Mom about this week in July and asked if we could have her. I thought it would be a good time for us and it would be a great opportunity to hopefully start a summer tradition. Last night I was told not to bother if I didn't want to do this and that he could hire someone if it wasn't convenient for me.
This came up as we were about 1/2 way through our conversation. I was so ticked off. The whole situation frustrates me. I told him whatever he wanted to do was fine with me.
In August I was planning to take 2 pto days, the day before and the day after my birthday. Because I was able to arrange 2 1/2 days of PTO I will just be taking my birthday off. So this means I have no trips planned for August. Let's count this up, no trip in June, no trip in July, no trip in August and no trip in September... The October trip is planned...
BEAT HEAD AGAINST THE WALL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME
If I thought he would ever read the blog I wouldn't write this but it's obvious to me that he's not going to so I figure I might as well effectively use my little space to vent it out.
So saying I also have to acknowledge that this conversation didn't turn into a knockdown drag out fight. I give a lot of credit to the fact that as soon as I realized what was happening I started praying. I have noticed the past few times how effective my prayers can be in keeping a conversation from turning into a scene.
This morning I stated that I heard everything that he said. I stated that I acknowledged and understood what I signed up for when I married him and I do a lot when we have Girl Clean. I also pointed out that she has Mommy and I am her L. I stated that when I go out of town this gives her one on one time with Daddy.
Perhaps if I wasn't coming off a weekend where I felt that I had just done the majority, he did the craft project and he watched her at the park, then maybe I wouldn't have felt quite so unkind about this whole subject of conversation.
I mentioned a few posts ago that I don't feel as connected to Girl Clean and maybe that's because of my relationship with her Dad. What I realized last night is this isn't the case. I would do whatever I had to do (and I actually do) to protect my girl, I just don't let her Dad know it.
Life is better then it has been. This morning after I left I received an apology. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, but he apologized anyways. I am praying that if there are areas that I need to work on then I will be shown those areas.
It's progress not perfection.
Monday, May 21, 2012
food, frustration, fun, and exhaustion
Friday night I picked Girl Clean up from her mom's. Mr. Clean had texted me that he wasn't feeling good so instead of going right home I took her to Chick Fil A for dinner. I told her she would be allowed to play only if she ate all her chicken nuggets.
She ate her dinner and we went in to the play area. There was a mom already in there with her little girl and we talked. It was kind of fun to meet someone who lived right on the street where I usually run and we had a few different subjects we touched on. That made the whole play experience oh so much more enjoyable for me.
She and I pulled in our driveway and she was excited to see her Dad. They played outside with water balloons while I went inside and put stuff away and changed clothes. Knowing that Mr. Clean didn't feel good I arranged her mattress and the couch pillows as a pallet on the floor. Instead of going to bed her Dad stayed up sitting on the couch without cushions. Which meant that when the movie was almost over she was hungry. Then when the movie was over she was not ready to sleep. Except she was, and I knew it. So she and I moved to the bed and I have no idea how late Mr. Clean stayed up.
Girl Clean always sleeps with someone. This is not something that can be changed over a weekend. This means that I now go to bed with her at 9, we put in a movie and eventually she falls asleep. I prefer this to her staying up until whatever time because she is hanging out on the couch with her Dad. With us being in bed and me falling asleep before her she naturally follows. Friday night I realized how well this is working and how noticeable the difference is when this is not the routine.
Saturday morning Jack and I went for our run. I came home and showered and we threw a dress on Girl Clean. Then we dropped Mr. Clean's car off because it was making funny sounds and went to breakfast.
We made a trip to Hobby Lobby to pick up the craft stuff for the purse project and a quick trip to Walmart then home.
Saturday nights after church I have implemented sitting at the table for dinner. I realized that Girl Clean often eats on the couch, or at the kitchen bar when she's with her mom. I picked up on the fact that her table etiquette was incredibly lacking when we had my MIL's birthday lunch at our house.
In order to try and help her for the future I now fix her dinner and mine and Saturday nights we eat at the table. Whenever she's eating I try to positively enforce chewing with her mouth closed. Thank God I had a dog first. I just treat her like I would Jack when he's behaving. I felt so dumb at Chick Fil A Friday night but I realized that in order for her not to hate me, and for me to not have to hear smacking this is necessary.
She didn't eat a whole lot Saturday night so when we went to bed I'm pretty sure she was a little bit hungry. At 6 on Sunday morning she woke up crying saying she wanted nuggets but then she rolled into me and went back to sleep. When she did wake up a few hours later I had a moment yesterday morning when I realized that I'm truly starting to understand my kid.
Girl Clean had come out of the bedroom and walked in to the living room where Mr. Clean was. I was in the kitchen. He was going to help her get dressed and the dress she picked was too big so I came in to pull out a tank top for her to wear under it. I put the tank top on her and she starts to cry because she now doesn't want to wear the dress. I told her that there is no need for tears. I said I understand that you are hungry. We're going to get you something to eat. However, you are not going to cry over this. Let's get your hair up so you don't get food in it.
Tears stopped. She got food. She was fine. I tried to fix a smoothie and interest her in that while she was eating breakfast. She had a little bit of it but wasn't really interested.
Please tell me when they quit getting food on their top? It never ever fails that whatever she has on will have some kind of food stain once she eats.
After she ate we got ready and headed to the park. She made a friend while she was there and it was really cute. I took Jack for walk and made him behave. This venture out made me realize I need to do a better job of working with him; specifically on days when I am not trying to fit my own workout in.
We dropped Jack off at our house and went to lunch. I convinced Girl Clean that she was not having nuggets for lunch. Her mom says that she eats whatever when she is with her. Unfortunately she learned a long time ago that her Dad will cater to what she wants, so if she wants chicken nuggets she gets chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and French fries, you get the idea. I told her before we left the park that she was not going to have chicken nuggets for lunch. I offered her a hot dog, pizza, (I know not exactly fantastic food options either) or a sandwich. We ended up at the pizza buffet where she had spaghetti. It worked, she ate it. I was happy she ate something other then chicken nuggets.
I dropped her off at her mom's last night. I love her. I know I signed up for being a mom when I agreed to marry my husband. I have to remind myself of this, often. I love her. She's worth it. I just sometimes wonder how the child survived with her Dad before me. He loves her. He did the whole craft project with her, which was all his idea. However that takes like 10 minutes. I'm truly in awe of full time mom's, including Girl Clean's! It's exhausting!!!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Purse Project
My husband is really good about doing craft projects. He knows how much Girl Clean loves them so he's made lip gloss, Christmas ornaments, painted, and the list goes on. This weekend they picked out a purse and a t-shirt from hobby lobby along with stencils, glue and glitter.
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| Getting ready to put the stencil on the purse |
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| Ready to start helping |
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| Trying to line everything up just right |
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| Almost there |
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| Glue |
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| Sparkly glitter |
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| Pouring on the glitter |
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| Waiting for it to dry |
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| All finished! |
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| I took her outside after church to take some pictures |
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| I caught her "posing" |
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| Showing me her purse |
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| She told me I needed to take one like this |
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| I think she might just end up modeling like her mommy |
I just wish weekends didn't go by so fast!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Fashion Friday
Picture from Old Navy. I never got a chance to go take pictures in the bathroom at work today. Here is the dress that I got on clearance yesterday for $17. LOVE it!!!
If you were to have a conversation with me right now it would go something like this
We had a potluck breakfast at work today in honor of my manager birthday. I swear to myself that I'm not going to make a piglet out of myself with the yummy free food sitting in front of me!
Last night I got home and started dinner. I should have first taken JB for a run. I made oven friend pork chops, so super easy.
Preheat the oven to 425, melt 2tbsp butter and pour into a 9x13 dish (or if you are me you melt the butter in the microwave in the 9x13 dish and deal with the banging noise for a minute.)
Mix together 1 egg, 2tbsp milk and black pepper in another dish dump a cup of bread crumbs. I used the Italian seasoned bread crumbs and then added additional seasoning. This recipe is for 4 nice size pork chops.
Dip your chop in the liquid mixture then coat both sides with the bread crumbs. Place in the 9x13 dish. Bake 10 minutes, flip and 10 more minutes. Mine were fairly thick and cooked through, if you have skinnier ones it might not have to bake as long.
They turned out great, I was really happy!
After we ate I did dishes. Then checked email. Then decided to do squats and lunges and push ups and clean the bathroom instead of going to the gym or for a run. I plan to run this evening with Jack after I pick up Girl Clean.
Yesterday on my lunch I ran to Old Navy to pick up flip flops for my Dad for Father's Day and his birthday. I also found a dress I had been eying on clearance, SCORE!!!! I've received so many compliments on it this morning!!!
I got my Dad a nice brown pair as well as the 2 for $5 kind in navy and black. I wanted to make sure all the basic color groups for guys were covered!
Last night I posted the Tim McGraw song Better Then I Used to Be on FB. Every time I hear it I tear up, this will pass I know but it's just so true when it comes to my husband.
Mr. Clean and I had a conversation about the music we listen to. I listen to words he does not. I pointed out that there are songs played on the Christian stations that I don't like the words to. I change radio stations often, I love that I have the option to change the channels on my steering wheel.
I reminded Mr. Clean last night that I have a trip coming up next week. While his reaction was not joy, he also did not guilt trip me, I call this progress. I didn't mention that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I also reminded him, for good measure, that I have a trip to Florida coming up in October. I will remind him of this once a month until it happens to make sure that I don't get the "I'm sure you told me but I don't remember". If I say it once a month then I can point out I've said it once a month.
It would seem that every time I turn around someone else is announcing that they are expecting. I love it, I think it's awesome!!! Don't look to me for this kind of announcement.
I'm excited about ballet starting. I'm hoping Girl Clean loves it and wants to continue with it this fall.
Because of all the candy I ate last week to stay awake in my class, and the fact that I didn't work out, I put on a pair of pants Wednesday morning and they did not fit. So I upped my water and cut down on my food. I refuse to freak out because the pants fit the week before.
I have decided that dresses forgive a multitude of sins, therefor I plan to spend most of the summer in long maxi dresses.
I better actually get to work. Happy Friday!
Last night I got home and started dinner. I should have first taken JB for a run. I made oven friend pork chops, so super easy.
Preheat the oven to 425, melt 2tbsp butter and pour into a 9x13 dish (or if you are me you melt the butter in the microwave in the 9x13 dish and deal with the banging noise for a minute.)
Mix together 1 egg, 2tbsp milk and black pepper in another dish dump a cup of bread crumbs. I used the Italian seasoned bread crumbs and then added additional seasoning. This recipe is for 4 nice size pork chops.
Dip your chop in the liquid mixture then coat both sides with the bread crumbs. Place in the 9x13 dish. Bake 10 minutes, flip and 10 more minutes. Mine were fairly thick and cooked through, if you have skinnier ones it might not have to bake as long.
They turned out great, I was really happy!
After we ate I did dishes. Then checked email. Then decided to do squats and lunges and push ups and clean the bathroom instead of going to the gym or for a run. I plan to run this evening with Jack after I pick up Girl Clean.
Yesterday on my lunch I ran to Old Navy to pick up flip flops for my Dad for Father's Day and his birthday. I also found a dress I had been eying on clearance, SCORE!!!! I've received so many compliments on it this morning!!!
I got my Dad a nice brown pair as well as the 2 for $5 kind in navy and black. I wanted to make sure all the basic color groups for guys were covered!
Last night I posted the Tim McGraw song Better Then I Used to Be on FB. Every time I hear it I tear up, this will pass I know but it's just so true when it comes to my husband.
Mr. Clean and I had a conversation about the music we listen to. I listen to words he does not. I pointed out that there are songs played on the Christian stations that I don't like the words to. I change radio stations often, I love that I have the option to change the channels on my steering wheel.
I reminded Mr. Clean last night that I have a trip coming up next week. While his reaction was not joy, he also did not guilt trip me, I call this progress. I didn't mention that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I also reminded him, for good measure, that I have a trip to Florida coming up in October. I will remind him of this once a month until it happens to make sure that I don't get the "I'm sure you told me but I don't remember". If I say it once a month then I can point out I've said it once a month.
It would seem that every time I turn around someone else is announcing that they are expecting. I love it, I think it's awesome!!! Don't look to me for this kind of announcement.
I'm excited about ballet starting. I'm hoping Girl Clean loves it and wants to continue with it this fall.
Because of all the candy I ate last week to stay awake in my class, and the fact that I didn't work out, I put on a pair of pants Wednesday morning and they did not fit. So I upped my water and cut down on my food. I refuse to freak out because the pants fit the week before.
I have decided that dresses forgive a multitude of sins, therefor I plan to spend most of the summer in long maxi dresses.
I better actually get to work. Happy Friday!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
when you have your own
I sent Girl Clean's mom and email regarding Zulily's recent deal on disney princess costumes. She responded back and said something along the lines of watch out when you have one of your own. Which I completely understand, it's easy to go overboard with kid clothes and shoes. I did that with G.
I was so tired of her coming to the house on the weekends and her clothes never matched or said I love mommy and she often times didn't have socks or underwear and the one pair of shoes that she had never matched. I realized that G needed to just have everything at her Dad's house and I made sure that she had it. I also made sure that the first soccer practice we went to she was wearing a Daddy's little rockstar t-shirt!
When it comes to Girl Clean I'm so thankful that I had the first experience with G. It has made me more aware, more appreciative and more adaptable. I also realized that it's necessary to set a per piece dollar limit. I'm way better about what I buy then I used to be! I oohhh and ahhhh over zulily every single day but I have yet to have reason to buy anything. I know that it's just not necessary.
Not to say I don't splurge but I splurge at the consignment store, goodwill, marshalls or the super super sale rack at Kohls, Belks, JC Penney or Old Navy. I love clothes and shoes and Girl Clean is a girly girl. The first time she saw her shoe drawer filled with flip flops her entire face lit up and she carried said flip flops from room to room. The great shoe meltdown of Easter 2012 is an indicator of just how picky she can be about what shoes she wants to wear.
I love having a girl. I love knowing that she's going to take ballet classes. I'm hoping she likes them enough that I will be signing her up for fall classes. I love knowing that she enjoys clothes and makeup and having her nails done.
I also know that as much as I love all of this I'm perfectly and completely happy to just have one child. Even not working a part time job I look at my week and how little time is left after I do all the things I have to do during a week. The comment about when you have one of your own got me to thinking.
I'm the one who picks Girl Clean up on Fridays now when it's our weekend. I'm the one who still bathes her and gets her ready usually. I'm the one who usually fixes her meals. I'm the one who makes sure that she's in bed at a decent time. I go from the time I pick her up until the time I drop her off or she is picked up. I love her, the kind of love that would put myself in front of her in a life or death situation. So knowing that I love her that way, and knowing how much I still think about and pray for G I realize I don't have to give birth to love a child.
My heart hurts every time the children waiting for homes are featured on our local fox station. When I read adoption stories I cry, almost every single time. If I knew that I could handle the emotional and physical needs of a child with no family, and provide them with a stable safe environment I would do this in a heartbeat. It's not easy, and because of all the factors I know that right now it is not possible. My schedule is not what it needs to be. My home is not stable enough. I'm praying for different factors to adjust. I pray, a lot. When I see the waiting children, when I read the story, when I hear a story, I pray. I pray that if at some point this is supposed to happen that I will be shaped into the person that I need to be when it does happen.
Something I have been reminded of, often, is that God's time isn't our time. I knew last summer when things were so bad that if things would ever get better it would take time. I knew and believe that faith can move mountains, but sometimes it takes time for those mountains to move. I've always been an instant gratification type of girl. If marrying someone way too fast has taught me anything it's that patience is a virtue!!!!!
I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I can't look back and say it's all been a mistake. I do know that I could have chosen differently. I also realize that I married someone who is just right for me. I might not always like him, might disagree with him regularly, but I know that what we have works. It works because God is moving. I have no doubt that through all that has happened to improve the life we have all the improvement has been and continues to be the hand of God weaving.
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
I was so tired of her coming to the house on the weekends and her clothes never matched or said I love mommy and she often times didn't have socks or underwear and the one pair of shoes that she had never matched. I realized that G needed to just have everything at her Dad's house and I made sure that she had it. I also made sure that the first soccer practice we went to she was wearing a Daddy's little rockstar t-shirt!
When it comes to Girl Clean I'm so thankful that I had the first experience with G. It has made me more aware, more appreciative and more adaptable. I also realized that it's necessary to set a per piece dollar limit. I'm way better about what I buy then I used to be! I oohhh and ahhhh over zulily every single day but I have yet to have reason to buy anything. I know that it's just not necessary.
Not to say I don't splurge but I splurge at the consignment store, goodwill, marshalls or the super super sale rack at Kohls, Belks, JC Penney or Old Navy. I love clothes and shoes and Girl Clean is a girly girl. The first time she saw her shoe drawer filled with flip flops her entire face lit up and she carried said flip flops from room to room. The great shoe meltdown of Easter 2012 is an indicator of just how picky she can be about what shoes she wants to wear.
I love having a girl. I love knowing that she's going to take ballet classes. I'm hoping she likes them enough that I will be signing her up for fall classes. I love knowing that she enjoys clothes and makeup and having her nails done.
I also know that as much as I love all of this I'm perfectly and completely happy to just have one child. Even not working a part time job I look at my week and how little time is left after I do all the things I have to do during a week. The comment about when you have one of your own got me to thinking.
I'm the one who picks Girl Clean up on Fridays now when it's our weekend. I'm the one who still bathes her and gets her ready usually. I'm the one who usually fixes her meals. I'm the one who makes sure that she's in bed at a decent time. I go from the time I pick her up until the time I drop her off or she is picked up. I love her, the kind of love that would put myself in front of her in a life or death situation. So knowing that I love her that way, and knowing how much I still think about and pray for G I realize I don't have to give birth to love a child.
My heart hurts every time the children waiting for homes are featured on our local fox station. When I read adoption stories I cry, almost every single time. If I knew that I could handle the emotional and physical needs of a child with no family, and provide them with a stable safe environment I would do this in a heartbeat. It's not easy, and because of all the factors I know that right now it is not possible. My schedule is not what it needs to be. My home is not stable enough. I'm praying for different factors to adjust. I pray, a lot. When I see the waiting children, when I read the story, when I hear a story, I pray. I pray that if at some point this is supposed to happen that I will be shaped into the person that I need to be when it does happen.
Something I have been reminded of, often, is that God's time isn't our time. I knew last summer when things were so bad that if things would ever get better it would take time. I knew and believe that faith can move mountains, but sometimes it takes time for those mountains to move. I've always been an instant gratification type of girl. If marrying someone way too fast has taught me anything it's that patience is a virtue!!!!!
I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I can't look back and say it's all been a mistake. I do know that I could have chosen differently. I also realize that I married someone who is just right for me. I might not always like him, might disagree with him regularly, but I know that what we have works. It works because God is moving. I have no doubt that through all that has happened to improve the life we have all the improvement has been and continues to be the hand of God weaving.
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
Bath Stuff
These will provide so much bath time fun for Girl Clean!!! I bought 2 (they are from Avon) just to see if she would like them and she loves them! So they just had a buy one get one free deal and I scooped up a few more since she was almost out of her first 2 anyways.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Believing it and Acheiving it
On my mind recently, and often is how I wish I had known "then" (before I got married) what I know "now". This is in regards to how my perspective has changed because of all that has happened in the past 11th months since my wedding.
There is the factor of growing up I give my Grandfather a LOT of credit for me even realizing I was going to college. When I was 13 he started asking me about it. To this point I had never thought about it. I had no idea what to study. I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, because to be truthful all I knew was business, where you went to an office, doctor or medical professional where you had to be good at science and math, teachers and service industry type jobs.
My plan was to go to college and then become a flight attendant so I could travel. I went with the communications/public relations degree not because I thought I would land a career but because the math requirements were minimal and I had always been able to write papers fairly well, minus punctuation and grammar.
I truly wish that someone would have taken the time to help me explore different jobs and different industries and opened my eyes to the wide range of jobs and careers available. I had no idea why I needed some kind of idea for my future. I think in the back of my mind it was because for some reason I thought that I was just supposed to get married, have children and stay home. Which is what my mom did with us. Then she volunteered in our schools and worked her way into a job at both schools my brother and I attended. I'm glad my Mom stayed home. I follow lots of blogs, some Mom's stay home, others don't. This isn't about that. My point is that growing up what I thought I was supposed to do wasn't even an option. I didn't date through high school or college, so the get married young and have children option was not a possibility for me. That being said I know those whose path took them that way and they have not had the happily ever after story. Everyone has a different story that is uniquely theirs.
In reading back over my story it's evident that I had a lot of growing up to do. It's evident that I was often attracted to individuals who were not necessarily good for me. I can't say if xy and z had been different then the outcome would have been ______. I simply don't know. I do know that I wish I knew that it would have been ok to have decided I didn't want to get married. I wish I knew that the fear I had about being old and not married was ridiculous and I could create a fantastic life for myself. I wish I had realized a long time ago that I was extremely capable of taking care of myself and I didn't NEED anyone to do this. I'm at a place now where I do like my life. I am happy. I do appreciate all my blessings. I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm not negating what I have. I am aware that for a lot of years I believed things that just were not true.
I'm not a dumb person. I will say that I tend to be extremely lazy when it comes to work. I will find the easiest way possible and I'm a horrible procrastinator. If I don't want to do it I won't. I finally learned by my senior year of college how much I hated pulling all nighters and I did actually start to get my work done ahead of time so that I was not so utterly miserable with the after effects of no sleep because I was right at a deadline. I learned that I could copy and paste from previous papers and reuse the same sources numerous times, like I said I can be lazy.
I remember in an interview I was asked where do you see yourself in the next 10 years. Which I learned just last week is not really a question that you can or should ask during an interview. While in theory it sounds like a good question the legal requirement is that you can only ask questions pertinent to the job description. However being the 24 year old I was at the time I answered the question. I answered honestly too, I see myself married with kids. Amazingly enough (it's a God thing) I landed that job still. Which it just hit me as I typed that I am now married with a kid and I'm 32...
Back to my point. I graduated from college and the airline industry was not hiring... What in the world was I going to do? I had waitressing experience and retail experience and a college degree in a job market that was not strong. I took an internship and a few part time jobs. I spent 2 weeks in a call center, it was horrible. I was offered a position as a front desk receptionist for a staffing agency and I jumped on it. I spent the next 11 months learning how to read fake social security cards, entering data and answering 7 phone lines.
I left that job to take a bridal consultant job in a high end bridal salon. I thought I was moving to my dream job. Turns out, not so much. The bridal salon is still there, and up until the manager left I used to go back and help on the floor on the occasional Saturday. I just was not a strong sales closer. I'm not a sales person, never have been and I never will be. I understand this about myself. When the management and I realized that I was not quite the right fit for the position I contacted the staffing agency. They sent me on the interview where I was asked where do I see myself in the next 10 years.
I started working for that company in September of 2003. That is how I fell into insurance. I had no idea that I could work in an industry that I would understand and even like. I had no idea that I could pursue further education through gaining my agents license and designators. I worked for that particular company from September of 2003 until June 2006. I had a fantastic opportunity to go work for a large agency, moving from the carrier side to the agency side. I loved that job, unfortunately they were closing my department. So I accepted an offer for another agency. While it was honestly the most miserable, horrible, awful experience in some aspects there were good points. I was there from May 2007 until October 2009.
I filled out a form last week that asked me how long I've been in the industry. I added it up (on my fingers since math is so not my thing) and realized I've been in this business for 9 years this September. I started off data entry, and worked my way up to where I am today. There are so many directions and opportunities that I could and can take. I think about how thankful I am to be where I am.
Sunday my nieces, who are almost 13 and 9, were discussing what they want to do when they grow up. Apparently they both want to be dentists. I told them that if it's really what they want to do then that's awesome. I also mentioned that there are lots of opportunities and that college is definitely important. I want them to realize that there is more to life then just graduating from high school and accidentally getting pregnant. I want them to realize that if they believe it they can achieve it. For my own daughter I want her to grow up knowing that she has options. I want her to understand that she should always shoot for the moon because even if she doesn't reach it she will still be among the stars!
There is the factor of growing up I give my Grandfather a LOT of credit for me even realizing I was going to college. When I was 13 he started asking me about it. To this point I had never thought about it. I had no idea what to study. I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, because to be truthful all I knew was business, where you went to an office, doctor or medical professional where you had to be good at science and math, teachers and service industry type jobs.
My plan was to go to college and then become a flight attendant so I could travel. I went with the communications/public relations degree not because I thought I would land a career but because the math requirements were minimal and I had always been able to write papers fairly well, minus punctuation and grammar.
I truly wish that someone would have taken the time to help me explore different jobs and different industries and opened my eyes to the wide range of jobs and careers available. I had no idea why I needed some kind of idea for my future. I think in the back of my mind it was because for some reason I thought that I was just supposed to get married, have children and stay home. Which is what my mom did with us. Then she volunteered in our schools and worked her way into a job at both schools my brother and I attended. I'm glad my Mom stayed home. I follow lots of blogs, some Mom's stay home, others don't. This isn't about that. My point is that growing up what I thought I was supposed to do wasn't even an option. I didn't date through high school or college, so the get married young and have children option was not a possibility for me. That being said I know those whose path took them that way and they have not had the happily ever after story. Everyone has a different story that is uniquely theirs.
In reading back over my story it's evident that I had a lot of growing up to do. It's evident that I was often attracted to individuals who were not necessarily good for me. I can't say if xy and z had been different then the outcome would have been ______. I simply don't know. I do know that I wish I knew that it would have been ok to have decided I didn't want to get married. I wish I knew that the fear I had about being old and not married was ridiculous and I could create a fantastic life for myself. I wish I had realized a long time ago that I was extremely capable of taking care of myself and I didn't NEED anyone to do this. I'm at a place now where I do like my life. I am happy. I do appreciate all my blessings. I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm not negating what I have. I am aware that for a lot of years I believed things that just were not true.
I'm not a dumb person. I will say that I tend to be extremely lazy when it comes to work. I will find the easiest way possible and I'm a horrible procrastinator. If I don't want to do it I won't. I finally learned by my senior year of college how much I hated pulling all nighters and I did actually start to get my work done ahead of time so that I was not so utterly miserable with the after effects of no sleep because I was right at a deadline. I learned that I could copy and paste from previous papers and reuse the same sources numerous times, like I said I can be lazy.
I remember in an interview I was asked where do you see yourself in the next 10 years. Which I learned just last week is not really a question that you can or should ask during an interview. While in theory it sounds like a good question the legal requirement is that you can only ask questions pertinent to the job description. However being the 24 year old I was at the time I answered the question. I answered honestly too, I see myself married with kids. Amazingly enough (it's a God thing) I landed that job still. Which it just hit me as I typed that I am now married with a kid and I'm 32...
Back to my point. I graduated from college and the airline industry was not hiring... What in the world was I going to do? I had waitressing experience and retail experience and a college degree in a job market that was not strong. I took an internship and a few part time jobs. I spent 2 weeks in a call center, it was horrible. I was offered a position as a front desk receptionist for a staffing agency and I jumped on it. I spent the next 11 months learning how to read fake social security cards, entering data and answering 7 phone lines.
I left that job to take a bridal consultant job in a high end bridal salon. I thought I was moving to my dream job. Turns out, not so much. The bridal salon is still there, and up until the manager left I used to go back and help on the floor on the occasional Saturday. I just was not a strong sales closer. I'm not a sales person, never have been and I never will be. I understand this about myself. When the management and I realized that I was not quite the right fit for the position I contacted the staffing agency. They sent me on the interview where I was asked where do I see myself in the next 10 years.
I started working for that company in September of 2003. That is how I fell into insurance. I had no idea that I could work in an industry that I would understand and even like. I had no idea that I could pursue further education through gaining my agents license and designators. I worked for that particular company from September of 2003 until June 2006. I had a fantastic opportunity to go work for a large agency, moving from the carrier side to the agency side. I loved that job, unfortunately they were closing my department. So I accepted an offer for another agency. While it was honestly the most miserable, horrible, awful experience in some aspects there were good points. I was there from May 2007 until October 2009.
I filled out a form last week that asked me how long I've been in the industry. I added it up (on my fingers since math is so not my thing) and realized I've been in this business for 9 years this September. I started off data entry, and worked my way up to where I am today. There are so many directions and opportunities that I could and can take. I think about how thankful I am to be where I am.
Sunday my nieces, who are almost 13 and 9, were discussing what they want to do when they grow up. Apparently they both want to be dentists. I told them that if it's really what they want to do then that's awesome. I also mentioned that there are lots of opportunities and that college is definitely important. I want them to realize that there is more to life then just graduating from high school and accidentally getting pregnant. I want them to realize that if they believe it they can achieve it. For my own daughter I want her to grow up knowing that she has options. I want her to understand that she should always shoot for the moon because even if she doesn't reach it she will still be among the stars!
Jack Stories
Sunday I got home from lunch and took Jack out. I put leftovers into smaller containers and washed the dishes. Then I changed clothes. It was raining so I was going to the gym. JB knows when I’m putting on my shoes that I run or walk in, and he was looking at me like “traitor” because he also knows if he is going then I ask him if he wants to run or walk. When I made him potty in the rain before I left he was suddenly ok with not going with me and instead when we got back inside he starting searching out the spots where I put his treats!!! My dog does not like the rain!
Last night I was able to take him for a run. We managed to avoid the puddles all the way out and then most of the way back to the car. However... the boy went after a squirrel right thru a BIG mud puddle. Needless to say that required a bath. I got him home and got the towels and said OK Jack. He went and hid in his sleep crate… So I picked up the crate and carried it to the bathroom. He wasn’t even coming out for a treat. I don’t like to pull him from his sleep crate since that is his safest place so instead I tipped it and made him come out. He sat and looked at me like "really mom??" I gave him his bath and rubbed him dry afterwards and no he smells and feels so nice!!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all my Mom/Mommy/Mother/Momma/Mama friends!!!!
Yesterday after my test I went to lunch with my Grandmommy and Mom. My Grandmommy was asleep when we got there. She perked up some during lunch but fell asleep again as soon as my Mom left from dropping her off. She called my mom at 3:30 completely disoriented and loopy. While she is much better then she was at the beginning of the year she is still not doing all that well. Hopefully today will be a good day where she is able to enjoy all the attention lavished on her by her family.
I made sure to arrange the lunch yesterday since I knew that today we would not be joining my family. I also will be joining my parents for church which I'm looking forward to! Mr. Clean will be home grilling chicken. We've made pasta salad, broccoli salad and slaw for lunch today. He is picking up Kentucky Fried chicken as well as grilling chicken. For only 8 people there will be a TON of food!
When I arrived home yesterday afternoon Girl Clean and Mr. Clean had just started watching Hook. They watched the movie, I fell asleep. Then we went outside with silly string and bubbles. Her mom was coming to pick her up around 5. For Girl Clean's mom we purchased a gift card to get a pedicure. I told Mr. Clean that this would be something special they could do together. I've gone twice now with Girl Clean and both times she did really well. I knew her mom would probably love to have the opportunity to do this with her. When Amy arrived Girl Clean could not WAIT to open the card and had it open before her Mom could even look down. She was very excited and thrilled to be able to go get their nails done!
Amy also walked up carrying a bag. It was a gift for ME! I was so touched. Girl Clean had picked out nail stuff, Kleenex and note cards. Then she had also decorated a little box. Amy had made me a beautiful necklace! They left, I had to run to Walmart. Jack Banner stayed with my parents during the few days I took my class and he was almost completely out of treats.
When I got home I was looking in the bag and saw a card. This is the part that is just too special! Amy had taken Girl Clean's feet, once side had a purple foot print (my favorite color), the other side had a blue foot print (Girl Clean's favorite color). Inside the card was written "You are the GREATEST other-Mommy in the world! We love you sooo much!! Happy Mother's Day"
This morning in front of the bathroom mirror was the sweetest card from Mr. Clean. It was just beautiful.I opened my email and he sent me an Amazon Gift Card. Totally unexpected but very much appreciated!!!
I wasn't expecting cards or presents. I know that Girl Clean is mine, and I love her, I also always understand that Amy is Mommy. I love spending time with Girl Clean and doing things with her. I love that she is a girly girl and loves makeup and dress up and Barbies. I love that both her Mom and I foster the girly girliness instead of trying to squelch it.
In the 15 months that Girl Clean has been a part of my life she has usually been the very easy part of all the other chaos and confusion. At 3 she is very much 3! She tells everyone she prefers Jacks kisses over any one's sugars (kisses). She will tell us she wants Mommy and tell Mommy she wants us. She will ignore us when we tell her something she doesn't want to hear and her facial expression when you tell her no is absolutely mutinous. She is sugar and spice and oh so very special!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!!!
Yesterday after my test I went to lunch with my Grandmommy and Mom. My Grandmommy was asleep when we got there. She perked up some during lunch but fell asleep again as soon as my Mom left from dropping her off. She called my mom at 3:30 completely disoriented and loopy. While she is much better then she was at the beginning of the year she is still not doing all that well. Hopefully today will be a good day where she is able to enjoy all the attention lavished on her by her family.
I made sure to arrange the lunch yesterday since I knew that today we would not be joining my family. I also will be joining my parents for church which I'm looking forward to! Mr. Clean will be home grilling chicken. We've made pasta salad, broccoli salad and slaw for lunch today. He is picking up Kentucky Fried chicken as well as grilling chicken. For only 8 people there will be a TON of food!
When I arrived home yesterday afternoon Girl Clean and Mr. Clean had just started watching Hook. They watched the movie, I fell asleep. Then we went outside with silly string and bubbles. Her mom was coming to pick her up around 5. For Girl Clean's mom we purchased a gift card to get a pedicure. I told Mr. Clean that this would be something special they could do together. I've gone twice now with Girl Clean and both times she did really well. I knew her mom would probably love to have the opportunity to do this with her. When Amy arrived Girl Clean could not WAIT to open the card and had it open before her Mom could even look down. She was very excited and thrilled to be able to go get their nails done!
Amy also walked up carrying a bag. It was a gift for ME! I was so touched. Girl Clean had picked out nail stuff, Kleenex and note cards. Then she had also decorated a little box. Amy had made me a beautiful necklace! They left, I had to run to Walmart. Jack Banner stayed with my parents during the few days I took my class and he was almost completely out of treats.
When I got home I was looking in the bag and saw a card. This is the part that is just too special! Amy had taken Girl Clean's feet, once side had a purple foot print (my favorite color), the other side had a blue foot print (Girl Clean's favorite color). Inside the card was written "You are the GREATEST other-Mommy in the world! We love you sooo much!! Happy Mother's Day"
This morning in front of the bathroom mirror was the sweetest card from Mr. Clean. It was just beautiful.I opened my email and he sent me an Amazon Gift Card. Totally unexpected but very much appreciated!!!
I wasn't expecting cards or presents. I know that Girl Clean is mine, and I love her, I also always understand that Amy is Mommy. I love spending time with Girl Clean and doing things with her. I love that she is a girly girl and loves makeup and dress up and Barbies. I love that both her Mom and I foster the girly girliness instead of trying to squelch it.
In the 15 months that Girl Clean has been a part of my life she has usually been the very easy part of all the other chaos and confusion. At 3 she is very much 3! She tells everyone she prefers Jacks kisses over any one's sugars (kisses). She will tell us she wants Mommy and tell Mommy she wants us. She will ignore us when we tell her something she doesn't want to hear and her facial expression when you tell her no is absolutely mutinous. She is sugar and spice and oh so very special!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!!!
Friday, May 11, 2012
How small is your world?
So before I get back to studying I wanted to post this. This week I'm in my 3rd CIC (certified insurance counselor) class. I have my all essay 2 hour exam tomorrow. Fun times!
Wednesday I arrived in plenty of time, candy stash full and found my seat in the middle of the 2nd row from the front. After the 1st break this guy came in late and sat next to me. He had had a flat tire and had to wait for the tire to be patched.
Found out he lived in Cornelius. Found out he grew up there. As you sit in class you have breaks and you talk and learn about each other. He ran the Charlotte Marathon a few years ago. He is engaged. I've been asking lots of questions about his fiance. She's just finished nursing school for nurse anesthesiologist.
Today I happened to ask about how he proposed. He had showed me a picture of the fantastically gorgeous ring. He said he had a photographer friend who he asked to help him. He said his friend was moving to Australia and that had been finalized and he told his fiance he wanted to take holiday pictures.
OK so the photographer who he is friends with is the same photographer who I met when Hailey, Jess and I met at Starbucks on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Jess knows him, and he photographed Jess's sister's wedding.
This is just another example of how small this world can be. I love it, and sometimes it's annoying. Mostly though it just makes me realize that you just never know who knows who and it's best to not ever saying anything about anyone that you wouldn't want to get back to them!
Wednesday I arrived in plenty of time, candy stash full and found my seat in the middle of the 2nd row from the front. After the 1st break this guy came in late and sat next to me. He had had a flat tire and had to wait for the tire to be patched.
Found out he lived in Cornelius. Found out he grew up there. As you sit in class you have breaks and you talk and learn about each other. He ran the Charlotte Marathon a few years ago. He is engaged. I've been asking lots of questions about his fiance. She's just finished nursing school for nurse anesthesiologist.
Today I happened to ask about how he proposed. He had showed me a picture of the fantastically gorgeous ring. He said he had a photographer friend who he asked to help him. He said his friend was moving to Australia and that had been finalized and he told his fiance he wanted to take holiday pictures.
OK so the photographer who he is friends with is the same photographer who I met when Hailey, Jess and I met at Starbucks on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Jess knows him, and he photographed Jess's sister's wedding.
This is just another example of how small this world can be. I love it, and sometimes it's annoying. Mostly though it just makes me realize that you just never know who knows who and it's best to not ever saying anything about anyone that you wouldn't want to get back to them!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
introspection
I took my lunch to go back to Sams. Why? Because Mr. Clean spent the evening researching what was the closest thing to the discontinued blend we could find. He found it at Sam's and ordered 5. Which I agreed to pick up on my lunch.
Yes really.
Sunday I mentioned we went to the park. The neighborhood surrounding the park has these really fabulous houses. I admired them as I walked with Jack. I'm not talking huge mcmansions just family style homes.
Pretty, elegant, nothing crazy. Yet I realized something. In all my years of dating and fretting over getting married I never once thought about the kind of house. This has something to do with most of the ones I dated already had a place. Then I bought my shoebox/condo and I figured I would eventually sell my place when I got married.
Except it didn't work out quite the way I expected. I live in a cute, bigger then my condo but still, small mill house. It suits us. We don't plan to stay forever but for now it works.
As I was looking at those beautiful homes I realized I wouldn't know what to do with a place like that. I have enough trouble keeping the 1 bathroom cleaned and the floors vacuumed. I miss being able to walk out the door and start my run but I've adjusted to having to drive a little ways in order to get started.
Even in the future when we do relocate it will still, most likely, be something along the lines of a townhouse. Although having experienced the nightmare of an HOA assessment I would much rather never sign up to pay HOA dues again.
I realized that as hard as it has been. As much as I have struggled this year. I like where I am. I was hit by the unexpected at the beginning. I have wondered if I needed to cut my losses. I have learned that I have choices when it comes to how someone treats me.
There are still times when we don't agree. Still times when I am instantly throwing up my guard and waiting to see if this will become a disagreement that sends me packing. I understand that no couple agrees all the time. I also understand that my situation is different. I believe that we will one day reach a place where we can disagree and I'm actually able to stay and talk it out. For now, we're not there. We deal with it but not in the moment, I wait because I realize that at that moment no resolve is going to happen. Maybe we won't ever deal with it in the moment. That's ok too. As long as it gets resolved that's what matters.
The closer to June 11 we come the more I'm aware of how much has happened and how much has changed. I think about this time last year, what I was doing, how I was preparing. I've read back and wish that I knew then what I know now. Except I also know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. So I'm glad I didn't know. There's a Garth Brooks song, The Dance. There's a line that applies "Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain. But I'd of had to miss the dance" The rest of the song not so much but that particular line is the perfect summary.
I have no regrets. Even if I was sitting here writing this preparing to file divorce papers I would still say I have no regrets. I had no way of knowing everything that Saturday in June. I had no way of knowing the dark places and awful times that were ahead. I had no way of knowing that there would be light, and change, and hope and that I would learn so much and learn to appreciate that miracles happen, even in my own life.
We're still at the start. Almost 1 year in is not a long time at all. I'm finally starting to wrap my brain around the fact that this is more then just a year. We're actually going to make it. It's not been easy, and while I know that challenges are still to come, I also know that we've come so very far from where we were!
These days I think about my life and I'm happy. I stop and think wow this is really amazing. I'm thankful.
Yes really.
Sunday I mentioned we went to the park. The neighborhood surrounding the park has these really fabulous houses. I admired them as I walked with Jack. I'm not talking huge mcmansions just family style homes.
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| Found Here |
Except it didn't work out quite the way I expected. I live in a cute, bigger then my condo but still, small mill house. It suits us. We don't plan to stay forever but for now it works.
As I was looking at those beautiful homes I realized I wouldn't know what to do with a place like that. I have enough trouble keeping the 1 bathroom cleaned and the floors vacuumed. I miss being able to walk out the door and start my run but I've adjusted to having to drive a little ways in order to get started.
Even in the future when we do relocate it will still, most likely, be something along the lines of a townhouse. Although having experienced the nightmare of an HOA assessment I would much rather never sign up to pay HOA dues again.
I realized that as hard as it has been. As much as I have struggled this year. I like where I am. I was hit by the unexpected at the beginning. I have wondered if I needed to cut my losses. I have learned that I have choices when it comes to how someone treats me.
There are still times when we don't agree. Still times when I am instantly throwing up my guard and waiting to see if this will become a disagreement that sends me packing. I understand that no couple agrees all the time. I also understand that my situation is different. I believe that we will one day reach a place where we can disagree and I'm actually able to stay and talk it out. For now, we're not there. We deal with it but not in the moment, I wait because I realize that at that moment no resolve is going to happen. Maybe we won't ever deal with it in the moment. That's ok too. As long as it gets resolved that's what matters.
The closer to June 11 we come the more I'm aware of how much has happened and how much has changed. I think about this time last year, what I was doing, how I was preparing. I've read back and wish that I knew then what I know now. Except I also know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. So I'm glad I didn't know. There's a Garth Brooks song, The Dance. There's a line that applies "Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain. But I'd of had to miss the dance" The rest of the song not so much but that particular line is the perfect summary.
I have no regrets. Even if I was sitting here writing this preparing to file divorce papers I would still say I have no regrets. I had no way of knowing everything that Saturday in June. I had no way of knowing the dark places and awful times that were ahead. I had no way of knowing that there would be light, and change, and hope and that I would learn so much and learn to appreciate that miracles happen, even in my own life.
We're still at the start. Almost 1 year in is not a long time at all. I'm finally starting to wrap my brain around the fact that this is more then just a year. We're actually going to make it. It's not been easy, and while I know that challenges are still to come, I also know that we've come so very far from where we were!
These days I think about my life and I'm happy. I stop and think wow this is really amazing. I'm thankful.
shoes, class, dance, just listen to me!
I ran (drove) to Sams on my lunch yesterday. We were out of olive oil and the kind Mr. Clean likes is at Sams. The Sams close to my work is across from the mall and specifically across from Dillards.
I decided to run in and grab a pretzel since I was right there on the side of Auntie Anne's and usually I am on the side of the Pretzel Twister.
I enter Dillards through the shoe department. I glanced longingly at the shoes. So many cute pairs. I could have very easily ditched the rest of my work day to shop at the mall. I haven't been in this Dillards in well over a year and yet I still remembered where the nice bathroom is (men's department 2nd floor).
I detoured for a quick trip through rack room and then proceeded to Auntie Anne's. I exited back through the shoes. I really am set for summer shoes. I've updated my shoes from the great purge of 2011 and I know that I will be happy with my options through summer. This fall I hope to find a few pairs of cute flats but for now I don't need any more shoes.
I intended to work out last night when I got home. That didn't happen. Mr. Clean and I did make a quick trip to BJ's to look for a seasoning blend rub. They didn't have it. We went home and googled it, which we should have done to start with, and discovered they no longer make it.
I have my CIC class starting tomorrow. Sometime between now and then I have to take Jack to my parents. I have to study and I don't want my puppy to feel neglected. I arranged with my parents a visit for the Grandog. I love knowing that I can show up at their door at 6am, Jack in tow, and be perfectly welcome.
I was trying to talk to Mr. Clean last night about fall dance classes. Talking to a guy about dance classes is absolutely pointless. Girl Clean is signed up for a Ballerina for a Day class in June. This will just be a fun introductory type opportunity for her. Starting in July she is signed up for preschool ballet. This will run 6 weeks. The class I was trying to talk to Mr. Clean about is what they are starting in the fall. It's called Angelina Ballerina. It's a curriculum that is being offered. Basically it's what she is taking this summer except for the summer they have not yet introduced the new curriculum.
He was not hearing me, at all. "Well if she doesn't need the summer classes.." "Well if she is just going to be doing the exact same thing..." I just quit and changed the subject. I'm not going to have a conversation with someone who doesn't listen to me. I'll be talking to the school sometime soon. The deal is I want to see if I can hold a spot in the Saturday morning class with the option to drop out if for some reason Girl Clean doesn't love dance as much as I think she will.
I also need to make sure that Girl Clean's mom will be able to take her on the Saturdays when I have races or will be out of town. So this is a work in progress and I know it will all work out the way it's supposed to.
I have a day and a half of work and then class. This week is going to be busy!!!
I decided to run in and grab a pretzel since I was right there on the side of Auntie Anne's and usually I am on the side of the Pretzel Twister.
I enter Dillards through the shoe department. I glanced longingly at the shoes. So many cute pairs. I could have very easily ditched the rest of my work day to shop at the mall. I haven't been in this Dillards in well over a year and yet I still remembered where the nice bathroom is (men's department 2nd floor).
I detoured for a quick trip through rack room and then proceeded to Auntie Anne's. I exited back through the shoes. I really am set for summer shoes. I've updated my shoes from the great purge of 2011 and I know that I will be happy with my options through summer. This fall I hope to find a few pairs of cute flats but for now I don't need any more shoes.
I intended to work out last night when I got home. That didn't happen. Mr. Clean and I did make a quick trip to BJ's to look for a seasoning blend rub. They didn't have it. We went home and googled it, which we should have done to start with, and discovered they no longer make it.
I have my CIC class starting tomorrow. Sometime between now and then I have to take Jack to my parents. I have to study and I don't want my puppy to feel neglected. I arranged with my parents a visit for the Grandog. I love knowing that I can show up at their door at 6am, Jack in tow, and be perfectly welcome.
I was trying to talk to Mr. Clean last night about fall dance classes. Talking to a guy about dance classes is absolutely pointless. Girl Clean is signed up for a Ballerina for a Day class in June. This will just be a fun introductory type opportunity for her. Starting in July she is signed up for preschool ballet. This will run 6 weeks. The class I was trying to talk to Mr. Clean about is what they are starting in the fall. It's called Angelina Ballerina. It's a curriculum that is being offered. Basically it's what she is taking this summer except for the summer they have not yet introduced the new curriculum.
He was not hearing me, at all. "Well if she doesn't need the summer classes.." "Well if she is just going to be doing the exact same thing..." I just quit and changed the subject. I'm not going to have a conversation with someone who doesn't listen to me. I'll be talking to the school sometime soon. The deal is I want to see if I can hold a spot in the Saturday morning class with the option to drop out if for some reason Girl Clean doesn't love dance as much as I think she will.
I also need to make sure that Girl Clean's mom will be able to take her on the Saturdays when I have races or will be out of town. So this is a work in progress and I know it will all work out the way it's supposed to.
I have a day and a half of work and then class. This week is going to be busy!!!
Monday, May 7, 2012
The weekend
Friday afternoon I left work to pick up Girl Clean. She had played at Mawmaw's for the day and in the afternoon with her cousins when they got home from school.
Friday night was relaxed and fun. We just hung out together.
Saturday morning I had Jack up at 6. We ran 4 miles. All of them hurt. Usually when I start off I can get past the initial ouch, blech, this is awful and find a pleasant groove. Not so on Saturday morning. When we started at 6:30 the temperature was already 71. Which isn't bad but it was sticky. I determined that for this week I'm going to lay off the running and focus on other things.
Saturday after the run I showered and got ready, got Girl Clean up. I threw her hair up in a pony tail, a sundress on her body and had her to go breakfast of pop tarts ready. We were on the road at 9:10, if I can get out the door within 10 minutes of the time I state I want to leave I consider that success for something like this. She and I met my friend Nicole at the Charlotte Humane Society Pet Palooza event.
Girl Clean loves dogs! This event had lots of vendors, lots of dogs, and it was a really fun beautiful day! Jack Banner is not ready for something like this so he had to stay home. She enjoyed seeing all the different kinds of dogs and we both enjoyed the dog fashion show. Unfortunately I totally forgot the camera, I'm working on this, I know how much fun pictures are!
After the park fun she and I met Tiffany for lunch. I was super impressed with how well Girl Clean did. I easily forget that she is 3 and I have to check myself sometimes. Tiffany was laughing that all the kid paraphernalia was on my side of the table this time.
After lunch we drove home where I let Girl Clean play in the tub. Mr. Clean got home from running errands and we all hung out together before church.
Yesterday morning we decided to take advantage of the beautiful day and we went to the park. Jack and I walked while Girl Clean climbed like a monkey at the playground. When we got home Jack Banner was wiped out! Girl Clean was still going strong.
It was a truly great weekend that was just the right mixture of activity and relaxation.
I forgot to tell this story last week. Thursday afternoon I mentioned we had ordered pizza. When I left for the gym I had already eaten but Mr. Clean had not. He decided to run to the grocery store. I didn't think about the pizza we left on the table. Mr. Clean left Jack out since he was only going to be gone for a short time.
Jack Banner can jump, and jump high. He managed to knock the pizza down from the table. He then ate all the meat off the top of the pizza. I got home and Jack was in his crate. Mr. Clean explained what had happened. I offered to go pick him up another pizza or something else to eat and he said that wasn't necessary.
While I get that Jack shouldn't have gone for the pizza I also understand that Jack is going to take the opportunity when it's available to him. What I can say is that Mr. Clean's reaction was night and day different from what I would have expected a year ago, for that I am so very thankful!
Lesson learned, either put Jack up or put the food far out of his reach!!!
Friday night was relaxed and fun. We just hung out together.
Saturday morning I had Jack up at 6. We ran 4 miles. All of them hurt. Usually when I start off I can get past the initial ouch, blech, this is awful and find a pleasant groove. Not so on Saturday morning. When we started at 6:30 the temperature was already 71. Which isn't bad but it was sticky. I determined that for this week I'm going to lay off the running and focus on other things.
Saturday after the run I showered and got ready, got Girl Clean up. I threw her hair up in a pony tail, a sundress on her body and had her to go breakfast of pop tarts ready. We were on the road at 9:10, if I can get out the door within 10 minutes of the time I state I want to leave I consider that success for something like this. She and I met my friend Nicole at the Charlotte Humane Society Pet Palooza event.
Girl Clean loves dogs! This event had lots of vendors, lots of dogs, and it was a really fun beautiful day! Jack Banner is not ready for something like this so he had to stay home. She enjoyed seeing all the different kinds of dogs and we both enjoyed the dog fashion show. Unfortunately I totally forgot the camera, I'm working on this, I know how much fun pictures are!
After the park fun she and I met Tiffany for lunch. I was super impressed with how well Girl Clean did. I easily forget that she is 3 and I have to check myself sometimes. Tiffany was laughing that all the kid paraphernalia was on my side of the table this time.
After lunch we drove home where I let Girl Clean play in the tub. Mr. Clean got home from running errands and we all hung out together before church.
Yesterday morning we decided to take advantage of the beautiful day and we went to the park. Jack and I walked while Girl Clean climbed like a monkey at the playground. When we got home Jack Banner was wiped out! Girl Clean was still going strong.
It was a truly great weekend that was just the right mixture of activity and relaxation.
I forgot to tell this story last week. Thursday afternoon I mentioned we had ordered pizza. When I left for the gym I had already eaten but Mr. Clean had not. He decided to run to the grocery store. I didn't think about the pizza we left on the table. Mr. Clean left Jack out since he was only going to be gone for a short time.
Jack Banner can jump, and jump high. He managed to knock the pizza down from the table. He then ate all the meat off the top of the pizza. I got home and Jack was in his crate. Mr. Clean explained what had happened. I offered to go pick him up another pizza or something else to eat and he said that wasn't necessary.
While I get that Jack shouldn't have gone for the pizza I also understand that Jack is going to take the opportunity when it's available to him. What I can say is that Mr. Clean's reaction was night and day different from what I would have expected a year ago, for that I am so very thankful!
Lesson learned, either put Jack up or put the food far out of his reach!!!
What I'm learning
Family dynamics can be so sticky. With my own family I understand everyone, or at least I believe I do.
I can honestly say that while I believe I am right where I am supposed to be and I understand that no one is perfect if I had spent more time getting to know more of the person I was going to marry it might not have ever happened.
Not because of the person, although goodness knows we have had our ups and downs but because of the family dynamic. Every family has it's wonderful points and not so wonderful points. When it comes to family even if we don't always agree we always love them. I keep this in mind.
I'm also learning how to provide a non committal response, non agreement and some way of changing the subject. I've not exactly mastered this but I'm learning.
I know that I have been gifted with the ability to love, and to play peacemaker. Not in the two faced I will say what I have to say to you and then flip flop when I am with the other person type way, that's not a peacemaker. It's not always easy to step back and disengage from negativity, but it's necessary.
I know that we all have our strengths, our weaknesses, our shortcomings, and our past situations that have influenced and shaped who we are. In remembering that we all have our own personal struggles I employed an answer yesterday evening that I plan to implement a lot. "Really we just need to pray." It's not a cop out. The most powerful and wonderful thing anyone can do for another is to pray. Prayer is our direct line to the one who made us.
The Easter service at church several weeks ago a word came forward that was such a powerful reminder. The same spirit that brought Jesus out of the tomb is in us. That same spirit allows us to have that amazing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
In the past year I have often reminded myself that the same God who brought 3 men out of a furnace without even the smell of smoke, who stopped time, who brought dead people back to life, that same God is still the God I serve.
I still struggle. There are still situations when I look at them I think how is this ever going to change. Then I remember it's not up to me to change others. To make others do things differently. I'm powerless over the actions and decisions of others. I am learning to let go and let God. I am also learning that sometimes it just takes time. For the girl who always wanted everything yesterday I'm learning that some things just can't be rushed. God's time table is completely different then ours. When I try and force solutions it rarely ever works but when I let go of it I am often pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Martin Luther
I can honestly say that while I believe I am right where I am supposed to be and I understand that no one is perfect if I had spent more time getting to know more of the person I was going to marry it might not have ever happened.
Not because of the person, although goodness knows we have had our ups and downs but because of the family dynamic. Every family has it's wonderful points and not so wonderful points. When it comes to family even if we don't always agree we always love them. I keep this in mind.
I'm also learning how to provide a non committal response, non agreement and some way of changing the subject. I've not exactly mastered this but I'm learning.
I know that I have been gifted with the ability to love, and to play peacemaker. Not in the two faced I will say what I have to say to you and then flip flop when I am with the other person type way, that's not a peacemaker. It's not always easy to step back and disengage from negativity, but it's necessary.
I know that we all have our strengths, our weaknesses, our shortcomings, and our past situations that have influenced and shaped who we are. In remembering that we all have our own personal struggles I employed an answer yesterday evening that I plan to implement a lot. "Really we just need to pray." It's not a cop out. The most powerful and wonderful thing anyone can do for another is to pray. Prayer is our direct line to the one who made us.
The Easter service at church several weeks ago a word came forward that was such a powerful reminder. The same spirit that brought Jesus out of the tomb is in us. That same spirit allows us to have that amazing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
In the past year I have often reminded myself that the same God who brought 3 men out of a furnace without even the smell of smoke, who stopped time, who brought dead people back to life, that same God is still the God I serve.
I still struggle. There are still situations when I look at them I think how is this ever going to change. Then I remember it's not up to me to change others. To make others do things differently. I'm powerless over the actions and decisions of others. I am learning to let go and let God. I am also learning that sometimes it just takes time. For the girl who always wanted everything yesterday I'm learning that some things just can't be rushed. God's time table is completely different then ours. When I try and force solutions it rarely ever works but when I let go of it I am often pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Martin Luther
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friday
I ran last night. This was after going to pick up pizza for dinner and picking up Mr. Clean from his parents. Dad Clean came to the house to pick up the refrigerator that wasn't working. The new one was delivered Wednesday. I got to the gym at 8 which was perfect because American Idol was just starting.
I registered for my June 5K today. I'm looking forward to this race, I know it will be hot but I also plan to train effectively for it!
This afternoon I will leave from work to pick up Girl Clean. This evening will be low key. Tomorrow she and I are going to go to Pet Palooza and then to lunch with Tiffany. I requested mexican for lunch, excited to finally (finally) be indulging this craving!!! Then church.
I leave work in 50 minutes, the countdown has begun!!! Happy Friday!!!
I registered for my June 5K today. I'm looking forward to this race, I know it will be hot but I also plan to train effectively for it!
This afternoon I will leave from work to pick up Girl Clean. This evening will be low key. Tomorrow she and I are going to go to Pet Palooza and then to lunch with Tiffany. I requested mexican for lunch, excited to finally (finally) be indulging this craving!!! Then church.
I leave work in 50 minutes, the countdown has begun!!! Happy Friday!!!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Shoe Love
Belks is having a sale. I got both images from the website. When I tried to take pictures of my feet, my legs look fat. I took my lunch at 11:05 to avoid having to deal with too many other lunch time shoppers. I purchased both pairs.
The colors this season are bright and I already have several cute dresses and tops that will go with the colors in the top pair. The 2nd pair, I changed into and I'm currently wearing.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
2 years ago today
2 years ago today I was getting ready. My brother was marrying the best girl in the world. They had planned and all the details came together to create a day that was so incredibly special.
That Saturday in May in Edenton, NC my brother married the girl of his dreams. Family and friends came together to celebrate the amazing day!!! The joy was palapable and they are such a fantastic team!
I'm so glad that they found each other! I think they need to submit their story to match!
A few pictures as I remember their day.
I love this last picture, not because it's the most flattering but because it truly captured how I was feeling. I was so excited and so thrilled that I was gaining a sister who I love!!!
That Saturday in May in Edenton, NC my brother married the girl of his dreams. Family and friends came together to celebrate the amazing day!!! The joy was palapable and they are such a fantastic team!
I'm so glad that they found each other! I think they need to submit their story to match!
A few pictures as I remember their day.
I love this last picture, not because it's the most flattering but because it truly captured how I was feeling. I was so excited and so thrilled that I was gaining a sister who I love!!!
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