Closing the story

Originally posted September 2010 titled I've come to the Conclusion

I have long felt my life is a series of chapters. I have very vague memories of the early years, and middle school and high school I have only a handful of memories. I think because I was so unhappy with myself it is my own defense mechanism that I have the vaguest of memories of events that happened. I have pictures and I can look at the picture and state where the outfit came from and what the story is behind the picture, where it was taken and what was happening.

When I left for college I truly feel that this is when I really started living life. Yes I had crazy times and no I was not often wise in my decisions. I did great in my classes because my grades were my ticket to be allowed to stay. My very first few days there I met Josh. He was loud and rough around the edges. He was different and he was my first kiss. He told me I had growing up to do and walked away. I tried to prove that I was all grown up, probably only showing how much growing up I truly had to do.

Before I left for the summer that first year he and I ran into each other at a party. I thought about him for the rest of the summer and he was the first guy I called upon arriving back on the mountain. I wanted him to acknowledge me, I wanted to be a part of his life. In order to be a part of his life we started hanging out together late at night. In order to stay awake for my early classes I started taking caffeine pills. It never occurred to me not to go to class, interestingly enough to me because knowing myself back then I'm not sure why other than I knew I had to do well in class in order to be able to stay and missing classes would guarantee a lousy grade.

He met another girl and I was no longer in his thoughts. Except sometimes when we would run into each other and the sparks would fly. There was a night when we sat outside in his car talking. I think he was already engaged at this point and it was such a strange conversation because it felt like he was asking what might have been if it would have been he and I who were engaged but yet he had every intention of marrying that other girl.

I would run into him one more time before I graduated. He was on Kings Street on his way to the courthouse and I was on my way to work. I looked fantastic that day, and I knew I did. He still remembers that day, running into me.

I would be driving down the road a few years later and see a green jeep and my heart would speed up, was it him? But the realistic part of me knew he was married and living in Raleigh. A few more years later I had joined My Space. I had found old friends and connected with people and decided to search and see if I could find him. I didn't know that he had tried to find me several times as well. I was able to find him through his fraternity. I was able to see some of his information and the first thing I noticed was that he was single and living in Winston Salem and I was shocked.

I sent him a message and asked him if he remembered me and how he was and what had happened. We talked back and forth that night. I don't think I'll ever forget that. I agreed to drive up for dinner a few days later, the Saturday before Mother's day. I arrived at his house and saw him for the first time in years. I had come a long way since the last time he saw me.

Timing did not seem to be in our favor. He had been laid off and was trying to figure out the next move in his career. I had just started a new job that I really loved. I felt the relationship was over before it ever began because of the distance and the fact that I had a job and he didn't and he didn't like Charlotte. I broke up with him believing that even though I loved him it just wasn't enough to make it work. I dated others but since I was back in his life he wasn't wanting to let me go that easily so we tried again, and then he went for a job interview in Wyoming and I thought he was going to move away and leave me so I broke up with him, again.

What ended up happening was that he didn't move. By the time he realized how he felt about me I had started dating someone else in order to move on with my life. He sent me an email telling me how he felt but at the time I thought I was going to marry the guy that I was dating. It was a terrible feeling to have to tell him that I was staying put in my relationship.

Eventually that relationship ended and he and I tried to date again. But it was too soon for me and too much had happened and I had a lot that I personally had to work on. I ended the relationship before it ever really started again.

2 months later he and I went to a football game together and we were back on again. I would usually drive to see him because that was honestly the easiest way. I enjoyed hanging out up where he lived and didn't have to worry about finding stuff for us to do, we could just hang out. My favorite new years eve was spent with him and his friends at a house. We hung out all night long and talked and I had the best time! February brought valentine's day and he took me out for an early valentine's dinner since he would be coming to town for the day itself. It was shortly after this that the job where he had been working laid him off. He found himself unemployed yet again and did not want to tell me, or anyone else.

When I did find out about it, it hurt my feelings. He was always the first person I told anything to and for him to have not told me, I thought meant, that I wasn't that important to him. He was embarrassed by it but for me it was a reason to break up with him. It was March, we'd been dating since November and he'd yet to verbally say the L word to me. I wasn't going to say it to him because I wanted him to say it first. Instead we broke up. I started dating Kendall and life moved on.

He decided to re-up with the reserves in order to pay to go back to school. His Dad is a dentist and he determined that he wanted to pursue dental school and needed to get a few credits out of the way first, before he could really even get started with all that he got put on active duty. Summer 2009 he spent several weeks in Kentucky and after that was supposed to go to Iraq.

For whatever reason he was never actually sent, instead he was in Columbia, SC for a few weeks and then put at a recruiter station in MA. All while I was dating Shawn he and I kept in touch and would talk occasionally on FB messenger. After Shawn and I broke up I sent an email, he asked me what I meant I replied and never really got an answer.

We talked via FB messenger about maybe trying to date again but he never really emailed me back as far as all the things that I brought up in my email to him. So for a brief time we considered trying one more time. Originally when we started talking he had brought up flying in to NC coming to Charlotte and then us going to a game together in Boone. I cleared it with Krista that he may come stay. I asked him what games he was coming to, explained to him that the only one I would be able to go to would be the first home game this past weekend.

When I started at George's I told the manager that I needed this past Saturday off. I told Josh that I had made the request and then instead of putting him on the spot about the ticket I just told Josh that I had this Saturday off. I told him if he wanted to come back to Charlotte that night then I would be free.

Originally he had talked about me going to the game with him but I knew that he was planning to be with his friends and he might not want me there. Which actually really hurts my feelings, he was in NC and this would have been a great chance to see me. Instead he tells me that he definitely won't be coming back to Charlotte after the game and maybe I can drive to Greensboro Sunday for lunch. I told him I would see. So after I got off work Friday night I had a text to call him. Turns out he'd flown into NC Friday morning, had some business to take care of then went to lunch with his parents. Then drove up to Sugar Mtn where he and his buddies were staying in a house. He thought he might have an extra free ticket and wanted to know if I already had plans.

He could have had the perfect opportunity to see me. He could have bought a flipping ticket. I would have driven to Boone for the game on my own and that way he could have at least seen me. He invited me to lunch with his family and I told him I was sorry I already had plans. I called my mom afterwards because of the conversation and because I love his parents and would like to see them. But she helped point out that it would be me driving to him again and he wouldn't be making any effort at all. I would have loved to have seen his mom especially but I did the right thing by keeping my original plans to have lunch with Karen.

With this weekend and how he handled it he effectively ended the questions that I've had that we could ever make it work. He's still talking about wanting to fly me to MA and I don't have any intention of taking him up on it. I know that as much as we love each other there is no way that I can handle always coming last to everything else in his life.

Fast forward from this post and he moved to FL at some point. I posted this and in October 2010 I met Jeff, had the best first date ever, he dumped me, I dated Seth, I went to Vegas, and then I broke up with Seth, met Daron in February 2011 and got married June 2011. Josh found out on FB that I was getting married.

February 2013 I found out on FB Josh was engaged. I was and am truly happy for him. I did delete him from my friends because I felt it was time.

This past Saturday I drove to Winston to see Margs and meet her new baby boy, who is ADORABLE!!!! I have to admit that I cried on my way. It was the first time I've been back to Winston Salem since Josh. I didn't expect to cry but the tears came. I think now I'm good. It's a closed chapter. I had that time to really let myself feel it all and let it go.

There are those who come into your life and no matter how much you loved them, they just were not the right one for you. Nothing I could have done would have changed this fact. We found our individual happily ever afters and everything works out the way it's supposed to.

the what if's

A while back I saw a FB post that Josh was engaged. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He and I never could make it work for various reasons.

A few weeks ago I deleted ex boyfriends from my FB, the few who were still remaining. I just felt like I didn't need to know what they were up to.

I'm still friend's with Josh's mom on FB. I adore the woman and I think she is awesome. His wedding just happened. She had posted a bunch of pictures and of course my curiosity got the better of me.

It was a beautiful wedding in his parent's back yard.

I've been married over 2 years now and I long ago realized that even if Josh and I had married it likely would not have been what I expected.

I have learned to stop playing the what if game because there is no point. I can't change the past. I'm unbelievably thankful for what God is doing in the present.

I can't say that seeing those pictures didn't hurt. It doesn't matter that she's not as pretty as I am, it hurts that he's married I will always understand the reasons he and I couldn't make it work. I wanted him to find someone special. I hope that she is wonderful. I hope that his first year isn't anywhere close to how hard my first year was.

Today I was supposed to go see Margs and meet her new baby. I scheduled an oil change for this morning. There was an issue with my tire. I went to the store where my tires were purchased and the lady told me that I needed to go to the dealership and then the store where I bought the replacement tire to try and get reimbursed. I drove from University down to Independence, paid the $200 to get the tire valve fixed. Drove to the Pineville store to try and get reimbursed the manager told me to go the Kannapolis store where I had the tires rotated last.

I did not get to see Margs, fortunately she is free Saturday so I will be able to see her that day. The Kannapolis store manager was the only one who was gracious and helpful and he is the reason I am not cancelling my membership. I have not been reimbursed the $200 I have logged a complaint and I will explain that had the associate at the first store not been so concerned with being over her hours for the week that she might have thought to call the other stores instead of sending me to the dealership for a piece that both the Pineville and Kannapolis stores said that they had and could have done.

Yesterday I got a call from my property manager about my AC unit. That's another $200. I'm seriously ready to sell the condo but I know that I have to hold onto it for another year so that I will be able to break even on the sale instead of losing money.

I know that as for the Josh thing I have to let it go. I knew a long time ago, and I know now that it never would have worked between us no matter how much I wanted it to. The tire is fixed and praise God I was not hurt while driving around with the tire having issues. The AC unit continued to work and it's been fixed and my property manager will be taking the money from next months rent instead of me having to pay out right now.

God is faithful, He is good. I know that He loves us and He has it all under control.

5 Minutes

This past Friday I had the chance to catch up with Lisa and we went to Shakespeare on the Green. She was super understanding about leaving at intermission, and I really am thankful! I had Audra with me and while she loved meeting Lisa, loved the dogs all around us, and enjoyed the little girl behind her, I pegged my fun meter with Audra by intermission.

I knew it was a long shot taking her to the play, I love Shakespeare, Hamlet being one of my favorites, but it was way over a 4 year olds head. The play Friday night was Taming of the Shrew, another one that I really enjoy, but again, too much for a 4 year old.

The cool thing is I know that eventually Audra will probably enjoy a play like that. The school she is going to introduces Shakespeare early, and I am excited!

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym. After the gym we went out to breakfast and then the pool. It was a full morning, followed by a fun time at the pool. When we got home I found a recipe for lasagna that included zucchini. I went to the grocery store to purchase what I needed and headed home to make dinner.

The lasagna turned out awesome! I added mushrooms but left the rest of it the same as the directions.

Sunday morning I woke up early and Jack and I ran 5 miles. Next weekend will be 6. I'm gradually building my mileage back up to prepare for my October 1/2 marathon. I'm trying to hit the mileage early so that I can also improve my time. Big plans but with my crazy schedule it's going to be a challenge.

Church Sunday morning followed by lunch at D's parent's house.

Fortunately I was able to be with my family the weekend before and I have my Dad's Father's Day gift to give to him tomorrow when I'm over there to clean my parent's house. I'm excited for his gift, it's not a typical Father's day item but I think both he and my mom will appreciate the detachable shower heads and they are definitely going to make my life WAY easier when I have to clean the showers! They will just be the gift that keeps on giving!!!

Thursday I will be driving to Winston to see Margs and meet her littlest boy, I'm so excited to see her!!!!

Next week Patrice will be in town and we will be celebrating her L's first birthday! Again, SO EXCITED!

I have a new nephew and I am very excited about him too. I've shown off the flip baby brag book that I was given and I've been asked numerous times if it's given me the fever. In all honesty, it's just not in the cards. While I think adding one more to our family would be awesome, when I look at my reality I think that might send everything crashing in on me. I am able to juggle all the responsibility right now just fine, add one more thing and I don't think I can do it. I will say I can't wait to get back up to see the new nephew and snuggle him some more.

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Had a picture in my head
How I thought it all would go
But who showed up instead
Turns out you never know
Love will steal you by surprise
And take your heart just like a thief
Love can bring can bring a stubborn man Down to one knee

Chorus:
And I wouldn't change a thing
It's perfectly imperfect
So crazy but it's worth it
And I'm wrapped around you like this ring And something tells me that even if I could I wouldn't change a thing


Love will show you what you lack
Love will laugh at all your plans
And if your heart won't give it back
Love will slip right through your hands
But heaven knows we've had our share
Of days we'd rather leave behind
Oh but love don't really seem to care
It makes the wrong turns right

Bridge:
I'm truly, deeply, madly, completely
Devoted, every moment, 'til my last breath I'm yours


Got a picture in my head of a hundred years from now
When all our lines have all been read
And we're both up there looking down

Wouldn't Change a Thing - Matthew West

I've talked about this song often. I love it more today than the first time I heard Stephanie play it for me on that Friday before the wedding. I thanked her when I saw her at Patrice's L's baptism. I told her I had no idea how prophetic it would turn out to be.

The past 2 years have been challenging and not always smooth but it has all been worth it. I can't say it enough. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have chosen these challenges, I wouldn't have willingly faced all that has happened. But God knew way better than me what I needed in order to grow.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

2 years

This time 2 years ago I was counting down the hours until I said I do.

I've thought a lot about the way it all went down. I could say that meeting someone in February and marrying them in June was a mistake. I CERTAINLY don’t romanticize this when I share the story, although I also try to not throw D under the bus at the same time. I usually just say it’s a much better idea to date for a year, and experience 4 seasons together. Yet for me, and for the way I handled things to that point, God was moving. I can't say that it was a mistake because I know that all along this has been where I'm supposed to be.

It has taken me a lot to reach this place where I am today. The fascinating thing, for me, has been the way my personal relationship with the Lord has grown. Last year I read Spirit Rising, and Fresh Wind Fresh Fire and so many other books that grew me. This year my reading list has exploded; especially since the women’s retreat in May. I had already read a few books before that but since then I’ve read more.

There is a new hunger, and new understanding, and in all honesty I’ve been going deeper. I’m the one who never wanted to read anything other than light fiction and suddenly I’m reading books that I would have found dry and boring before.  Currently I’m finishing up something a little different than some of my other reads, but an amazing story, Stephen Mansfield wrote the biography of Derek Prince and I’m blown away! In addition I’m making sure to spend time in the word and in devotions. I’m figuring out ways to make it happen and making it a priority.

In the past 2 years what I have learned about myself, about life, about how to set boundaries, and be willing to forgive while still holding true to me has been a long time in coming. I have seen what faith can do. I know that this is only the beginning and I am holding the course so that I will be ready for whatever God has next.  

Fashion Friday - 1990's are back again

I'm wearing an outfit today that is a throwback to a look that was popular when I was in high school. I have on a long maxi dress, topped with a sleeveless denim button up, tied at the bottom. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I realized that this is a look I could have worn in high school, although I probably never did.

I look at the clothes in the stores right now and it reminds me of what the stores looked like when I was in high school. The fact that the 90's have now made it in to the circle of all things coming back around again makes me realize just how long ago high school was.

 

All outfits are from the Belks website

All these styles are examples of what I'm talking about!

Mountains still move

Another Friday is here! Tonight I'll be picking Audra up from her mom's and then picking D up from the house, and we'll be going to dinner to help my Dad celebrate his birthday.

Tomorrow morning I have a 5K. I went to the gym last night and ran 3, so hopefully my pace will be as decent Saturday morning as it was last night.

Driving in to work this morning I was thinking about my story, and prayer, and how much has changed and how in real life I can't share the details because a part of the story includes D and it's not fair to share how awful it all was to people just meeting us.

I signed up for small group through church, and as we were going around listing prayer requests I realized that my prayer requests are tied to my family and it wouldn't be fair to share all the details with a group of people I've only just met and who will see not only me but also D at church. Even in the discussion part I had to hold back because I realized that it's just not my place to share.

The catch is that because I can't share how difficult it all was (and sometimes we still have our challenges) I'm not able to share how incredible it is to see God's hand move. For me to be able to share the story will mean that at some point D will have to be willing to share, and I honestly don't see that ever happening.

This morning my prayer became that just because I can't share my prayer story miracles doesn't mean that the other situations I'm praying for won't have their mountain moving story, and so I prayed that as I pray for these, that they will be able to share, because the biggest thing that I want people to know and understand is that God is real, and powerful, and He loves us, and He cares about the details, and He wants His best for us. I think most of the time the answers are not going to look the way that we thought, and the answers are certainly not going to happen in our time frame, but I know that with God ALL things are possible.

I think in today's world, especially in the US, we are used to being able to do and take care of most things on our own. It's a culture that is fast paced, and self-sufficient. It's easy to put all the stories found in the Bible of miracles and chalk them up to an old fashioned book that talks about a God who is far away.  But the truth is God's word is sharper and more powerful than a double edged sword. The truth is that the same God who brought kings up and took them out, is still God today. He doesn't change, His power doesn't decrease, He simply wants His people to call on Him.

2 years is fast approaching

2 years ago this week everything was being finalized for my wedding.  While in general I think that time goes by in a blink this aspect of my life has actually, at times, felt a lot longer than 2 years.

I didn't expect it to be easy. I knew that there were going to be challenges. I had spent so many years self-analyzing asking the question what was wrong with me, but I just kept repeating my familiar patterns. Date, break up, repeat, ask what's wrong with me, start dating someone new, break up, well y'all have been reading long enough to recognize this.

I don't like confrontation. I don't like arguing. The flip side is I also don't like to be told what I'm thinking. I don't deal with someone trying to control me. I have learned that I can't always have things my way, and I have to sometimes be willing to compromise. I've also learned how to keep some things to myself and I realize that when it comes to married life I don’t have to share the details. Marriage is different for every couple and no two marriages are ever going to look alike. The choices that I've made have been the right choices for me, but I've had to learn myself in order to make the right choices.

The greatest gift that my marriage has given me is the gift of my own identity. This sounds odd perhaps? For me I spent so many years trying to be what I thought I should be. I tried to fit whatever image I had in my head was the right one, instead of just learning to be myself. I got married and I felt like I was in the midst of a really cruel joke. Suddenly I was facing a situation that wasn't pleasant, wasn't fun, and certainly wasn't what I had ever pictured. I felt sorry for myself for a minute. I started praying for direction, and found my way to Al-Anon, not the same as AA although I know it sounds similar. Years of asking the question what is wrong with me? I finally started figuring out the answer thanks to a program that is honest, and taught me how to evaluate and grow me.

I've learned that just because someone else's life looks ideal, I don't know the hard parts of their story. I can think about what I might do in someone else's shoes but I have no right to share that opinion with them unless they ask, and even if they do I might need to ask more questions so that they have more time to think.

As the first year came to a close last year I was honestly in awe that we made it. There had been so many lows, and so many challenges, it's by God's grace that we made it. There were good times too, but the challenges were mountains. I serve a God who moves mountains!

I was able to quit dreading whenever the 11th of the month would roll around. I learned how to pray hard when it came to situations where I could see the spiral starting. I can't explain how many times I cried out for help, and help was immediately given. As March 18th of this year approached I was so fearful. If the past was an indicator then I knew the day might hold a huge fight, it was the one year mark of when I had left for 2 weeks. The day passed and came to a close with no drama. The next day was the 2 year anniversary of our proposal and he brought me flowers.

There have been and there are fights, but they are not battles. There are conversations that make me want to cover my ears and go "lalalalalalala" because they are so ridiculous or so aggravating. Instead I do my best to just let it go.

I am so thankful for the life that I have. I look back and I see God's hand in the details. I'm praying still. I believe that further changes are still coming. I'm not going to lie there have been times when I had intense conversations with the Father over the fact that I was DONE and surely this wasn't part of His plan for me. November 2012 I was driving to visit a friend and praying and I knew that I was and am right where I am supposed to be. He continues to confirm this with every conversation I've had with Him since then.

His answer has never changed; He's not through with us yet. He is my refuge and strength when times are difficult and when I am weak it's when His strength is so clear. No matter the situation, the really good stuff, and the really challenging, He is always good. He is always faithful. His love is ever present. I find that the more I walk in His will the more joy I find, no matter what the circumstances might be that day.

5 Minutes

Currently life is life. Mine is full and the result is leaving gaps in my blogging!

Friday night I picked Audra up from her mom's we picked up D from home and drove over to my SIL's house for my nieces  14th birthday. My SIL did an awesome taco bar, you had your choice of chicken, beef, or pulled pork with all the fixings, so yummy!!!

Saturday morning I made it to the gym despite the cold that Audra and D shared with me. Working out actually seemed to help rather than make me feel worse, which was a good thing.

Saturday we had errands to run and then we went to the 5 service at church. I had nursery for the 7 service. I knew I was with the older kids, not the babies, so going in with a cold didn't really bother me. These kids generally carry their own germs so mine were not going to hurt anyone and I wasn't breathing in anyone's face. I will say had I been scheduled for the baby nursery I would have found a replacement. We had 14 kids between the ages of 2-4. Law have mercy, I kept my voice the whole time and promptly lost it at the end.

Sunday I did take Jack for a run. Since the gym workout had gone so well I figured I could handle a 3 mile run. It went well and Jack Banner enjoyed making sure that all the other dogs knew that he had been there.

Sunday after my run D, Audra and I went to the pool. I'm so excited that I found a neighborhood pool for us that has longer hours than the pool we went to last year.

I kept sunscreen on Audra but I got burned on my shoulders, chest and back, oops. Today during my Target trip on my lunch I picked up sunscreen for me.

Sunday night I had my first night with the small group that I signed up for through church. I enjoyed the group and I'm looking forward to participating during this study. The study is Jim Cymbala's "When God's People Pray". Which, y'all know, I've been really honing in on my prayer life lately.

I have looked at the calendar for June and the month is gone before it started, or so it feels. Last Friday night was my nieces birthday celebration, this Friday night we are celebrating my Dad's birthday celebration. This Saturday I have a race. Next Tuesday is my 2nd anniversary and then that weekend is Father's Day. Thursday the 20th I'll be driving to Winston to see Margs, and her 2 boys. I haven't met her baby yet and I'm so excited to meet him! The weekend after that I have nursery again, and then the last weekend in June Patrice  will be coming to town. Yeah, this month is packed.

It's all great stuff and I'm thankful and I'm blessed. In the midst of it all I'm praying and praying and praying. I have learned over the past 2 years something that I always heard and always discounted. God hears our prayers, really, truly. His timing is never ours, His answers might not look the way that we think they should, but He is faithful and He is always good. His love never fails.