5 Minutes

Work is insane. SO insane! I can't even really figure out where to start. I have to get started I know, in a minute…

I drove to High Point this past Friday morning to spend the day with my nephew and SIL. My car stayed in Charlotte at the car place. I dropped my Mom off at work and then drove up. She has satellite radio in her car and the country stations were playing awesome music on Friday. I had a blast listening to songs that I listened to in the 90's and early 2000's.

My SIL and nephew were excited to see me. My nephew and I played while J got ready and then we left to meet my brother for lunch. We went to a place called Moose Café, attached to a farmers market. Oh the food!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO good!!!

Friday afternoon we all took naps, it was rainy, sleeting and cold, it was a perfect time for naps!

Friday night my brother brought home Chinese food and we hung out and watched Say Yes to the Dress on Hulu. It was awesome!

Saturday morning I hung out and then shortly after breakfast I headed back to Charlotte. My car, it turned out, needed a spark plug. Fortunately it was way less financially traumatic then expected! I picked up the car and headed to the greenway. I ran 10 miles, and I had no issues.

For the past few years once I start adding mileage I've had issues. I've been very careful this time around about cross training and trying to stay ahead of injury. I'm registered for a March 7th half marathon and I think it's going to happen!

On Saturday I texted Amy about doing something with Audra for her birthday. I had talked to Audra about doing something together when I took up her Christmas present at Christmas. It worked out that I was able to take her with me after church Sunday.

I asked her what she wanted to do and she definitely wanted to see Jack. I was a little concerned because it's been a year since Jack had seen her and I wasn't sure he would remember her. At first he didn't recognize her, and then he did, and then he wouldn't quit kissing her face. We watched Shrek, ordered pizza and then went to Monkey Joes.

I struggled yesterday after I dropped her off. I told her Grandmommy I wish I could still be her stepmom without being married to D. I love her, and I miss her. I've had to create distance and when I do spend more than a few minutes with her it's really hard for me afterwards. I wouldn't trade it, I treasure the time, but it leaves me feeling raw. I plan to be a part of her life so I know it won't always be like this it's just part of the current process that I'm walking through.

This process has been an experience I don't ever want to forget. It's not been easy, but it's been infinitely easier than the years I was trying so hard to make my marriage work. I feel very fortunate that D's first wife reached out to me. I try not to bring up every detail, because I don't want her to have to revisit her experience, but she has been amazing to me. Amy has been amazing to me. I'm so thankful that I've got women who are familiar with who I'm dealing with and who remind me that it takes time.

I'm thankful that I have friends who didn't write me off for marrying D. I tried really hard, with the exception of one, to make sure that I kept in touch with my girls. I think they knew how difficult things were. It's funny my Mom recently brought up the conversation we had when I told her I was praying about leaving. She said it was all she could do to say that they supported me whatever my decision. They wanted me out. I think those who love you can sometimes see what you can't, or maybe even what you hope they don't see.

I'm in the final stretch. A week from Thursday I will officially file for divorce. As it's drawing closer there is a sense of relief, a sense of sadness, a sense of finality. I'm allowing God to close the door. I prayed so carefully before I left and He brought me out. He worked out all the details. I've listened carefully throughout this year and tried very hard to stay in a place where I can hear His voice.

I am so thankful for where I am. I am able to accept the fact that I don't have my future all figured out. Sure I have plans and goals and things that I would like to work to accomplish but I don't have to force my own solutions. I said when I left that I couldn't imagine ever dating again, I still can't. I prayed that if I'm supposed to get married again that God will bring him to me. I think online dating is great; I did it for a really long time. I don't want to go back and pick up where I left off. My life is no longer my own, I want to be a woman who chases after the Lord and whatever His plans might be, however that might look.

"Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" Psalm 37:4-5

5 minutes

I said I wasn't going to have a divorce party, and I'm not. I am going to have a celebration of a closing chapter and the start of a new one.

When my friend Margs called today and left a message asking me what celebratory plans I had she was not the first or even second friend to ask me what I planned to do.

I can't really celebrate the divorce. As screwed up as it is, it still hurts me that this is how it's ending. Believe me I'm not sad that I'm losing the person I married, but I am sad that there are so many broken promises and so many chances given and I'm sad that the person I thought I was marrying never really existed. The truth is I loved him, but as these weeks have gone on and played out I wonder, seriously, if I ever really knew D. I am starting to believe that my entire life for the past several years, when it came to D, was all a lie. I'm sure the version his girlfriend has been told is straight up fiction.

I found out today that the story Amy was told about wife 1 differed from the version that I got.

I also found out today that the girlfriend has met Audra. It stung. And then as quickly as it stung I was thankful. Thankful that I don't have children. Thankful that I'm still a part of Audra's life. Thankful that I don't have to worry about my children having to spend time with him. I've told Amy if she needed me to I would testify on her behalf. I know that my future is begining to look very different then anything I could possibly have planned.

When I got the voicemail from Margs I sent out an email to my girls. By this afternoon I had the responses that they are all in to help me celebrate. I think they are all more excited about my divorce than they were about my marriage, understandably, I get it.

Now, now I just have to figure out what we're going to do. I've got a few ideas I'm just trying to narrow it down. I really want to get a hotel room and have a huge girls night ala bachelorette party style, however, I also want to go on a mission trip to Israel in June so spending money on a hotel room would be fun but then I wouldn't have that money to put towards my trip and I definitely want to go on the trip more than I want to have a big girls night.

I was at work at 6am this morning. I'm so tired!!! I did get the 2 huge renewals rated so that was positive. I'm off Friday so I'm trying to make sure that the most pressing items get taken care of before I leave.

Life, and rabbit trails

Wednesday morning I started reading a book called Birthing the Miraculous by Heidi Baker. She and her husband live in Mozambique and they have a huge mission for children. Early on in the book she talks about how Mary said yes to God when the angel came to tell her that she was going to have the Messiah, even though it wasn't easy. She likely faced ridicule and condemnation and all sorts of unpleasantness but she said yes anyways.

I got back to work yesterday and the amount of items that needed to be accomplished was overwhelming and I am nowhere near caught up!

I went to my coworker/friend's husband's funeral yesterday and it was such a beautiful service. His youngest brother talked about his life and it was so full of living and love!

I worked late and drove from my office up to the Concord church. There was a women's event last night. I love the fact that I'm back at church. I'm so thankful that God worked out the details so that I was able to return home!

Last night the message was about how Abraham is called God's friend in the Bible. Not that Abraham called God friend, but God called Abraham His friend. Abraham said yes to God at all costs. Even when God wanted him to sacrifice Isaac on Mt Moriah Abraham knew that God had promised through Isaac that he would have more descendants than the stars he knew whatever God was asking of him God would still follow though on His promises. He said yes to God.

Clearly there is something powerful when we say yes to God. So last night God got after me about my days countdown under my scripture verses. It's fine to post the scripture verses but I don't need to be counting it down the way that I have been. It's using God's word for my purposes instead of meditating on the scripture for me. So the scriptures will still be posted minus the daily countdown. 

Today God also got after me about the fact that I've been spinning and spinning about what Daron is posting, and why Daron is SO WRONG, and why is he such a jerk, and on and on. God moved me from the situation last year. God has been faithful every step of the way. When I focus on what D is doing I lose sight of what God is doing. When I focus on what D is posting and doing I go down the rabbit trail of misery, fury and discontent. When I focus on the Lord I see His goodness and His faithfulness.

SO as I move into these final days I've got to work on keeping my focus where it belongs. I don't want to continue to vent and give attention to someone who I can't control, I certainly can't change, and who, quite frankly, is none of my business. I'll be trying to be much more cognizant of staying off the rabbit trail!

Today at work was just as crazy as yesterday. I had my review and fortunately I have really impressed everyone this year. I'm glad that as hard as my job can be I am be recognized for my contribution.

I got home from work and fell asleep. I went to the gym instead of my meeting tonight and I ran 3 miles. Tomorrow I'm going to a class on Israel that I'm looking forward to!

Life moves forward! 

meetings, life, wisdom and reality

To catch up on what's been going on in my actual life. Friday night after work I went directly to the gym to get a run in. This time of year the gym is always a little crazy but if I can get there directly after work it's not as bad. I had my meeting Friday night. I love the meeting that I go to. Unfortunately there is now a man who is giving me the vibe that he is trying to be my friend. He has made it a point to come speak to me 2 times now at the end of meetings. I give a very nice answer and then leave. I have been excruciatingly careful in all my meetings to not give any kind of encouragement to any men. I am very pleasant and I recognize everyone but unless I know the man is gay or married I keep it to a very nice hello and that's it. I have 0 desire to have any guy friends other then the few I already have. So I'm trying to be extra cautious.

I didn't end up going to Boone with Tiff on Saturday. I had to be at nursery at 5:30 and her sister needed to make a trip to their parent's so she and I agreed to rain check the trip. I went to abs and booty class, I was still sore from the Wednesday class but I went and made it through. I spent the rest of the day reading on the couch with Jack, it was awesome! I worked my last nursery at the Charlotte church. I'm so thankful I had that opportunity! I really enjoyed my time working with the little people!

Sunday I went to the Concord church. I went to lunch with Patrice and Aaron and then I went to the greenway. I had to run 8 miles. Those 8 miles hurt! I was excited though because I was able to run a really long loop and I didn't end up having to double back. When I have to go back past my starting point and keep running it messes with me mentally. Running is so much mental that it's probably 80% mental and only 20% actually physical at this point for me. I know that my body is full capable and I've been doing this for years now so it's my brain that I have to fight more than anything!

Monday I arrived at work to find out that my coworker who was one of my training mentors husband passed away early that morning. He's been sick a really long time but I'm still heartbroken for my friend. The funeral is tomorrow and I'll be going to that.

Monday night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to booty beat class. I can't dance, I'm really not good at following the steps but I went and I worked at it and in the end it was done.

Last night I had a chiropractor appointment after work which was amazing!!! My neck had been locked up since the previous Tuesday so finally having that worked out was fantastic!!! I usually go to they gym after work and in between small group on Tuesdays but since I had the chiropractor appointment I didn't have the time I needed. Instead I stopped into the wine store where my friend Sharon is now the GM. I got to sit and talk to her for an hour about life and what's going on and it was fabulous! Then I had my small group and caught up with the girls at panera.

This morning I dropped my car off to have some work done. My Dad followed me and picked me up and took me to breakfast. We relaxed at home for a while and then Patrice and L came to pick me up. Instead of doing a toy or clothes I gave L a PTO day and a trip to Monkey Joes and lunch for Christmas. He loves MJ's and Wednesday is totally a great day to go! He had so much fun! Then we went to lunch and by the time we were finishing up my car was ready. I'm so thankful that I have my friend back in NC!

She and I talked at lunch. If at any point there had been true indication of change I would have gone back to D. I wanted desperately to have the story that God fixed our marriage, that He was able to work a miracle. I carefully prayed over all these months that God would give me wisdom and discernment. In every turn I have seen what I needed to see and heard what I needed to hear. I wish that the change that was being professed was real. I wish that D really had changed. I wish that I could have a story of a marriage redeemed. I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to continue in a pattern of control and abuse.

I'm not friends with D on FB. D posts everything publicly, anyone can go on his page and see anything. Last night he posted about the Christian Mingle movie and how he hasn't seen it yet but that he wants to because that's how he met (girlfriend tagged).

I'm looking at that post and I'm thinking, really? You really just put that on your FB? You who just 11 months ago were professing love and that you were never going to love anyone else. You who for months and months continued to send messages of love and commitment? You who started dating this woman in September and continued to send me messages that you would never love anyone but me? You were looking to meet women all the while claiming love and devotion?

So I posted scripture verses. I can't post what I really want to. I can't call him out on it. If I do that I put myself at his level and I've made it 22 days without doing that so I'm not about to start now. Instead I posted Proverbs 13:15-16 "Good judgement wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction. All who are prudent act with knowledge but fools expose their folly." and Psalm 120:1-2 "I call on the Lord in my distress and he answers me. Save me Lord from lying lips and from deceitful tongues." I'm thankful that God has done exactly that. He has saved me from lying lips and from the deceitful tongue.

It comes down to reality. The reality that I lived with for several years. The person that I married is a very sick individual. The person that I married was not at all who he made himself to be. In all of this I would do it all over again because it has brought me to where I am today. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, His love, His provision, His truth, and how He worked out the details.

Patrice and I talked about how I had asked to be released from counseling and when the pastor and counselor emailed me back they told me that they didn't have the authority to release me only God did. I had just gone to a Women Under Construction event at the Charlotte church. On my way home every song I heard was about waiting on the Lord or being patient. So I had to respond to the pastor and the counselor that I was going to do a 21 day prayer challenge and wait on the Lord. Patrice made such an excellent point. She said maybe in that time God really was trying to do a work. Maybe in that time there was actual change that could have been taking place but then it go too hard and D gave up. I had never really thought about it but that made so much sense to me. I'm never going to know all the details on this side of heaven. Someday I might sit with God and He's going to show me how all the pieces fit. I know from the innermost part of my spirit that I would not give any of this up (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) because it's brought me to a place with the Lord where I've never been before.

I don't know what my future holds. I'm not entirely sure where He's calling me or how it's going to look. I know this. I know He's moving. I know that He certainly has a purpose and a plan. I know that even if I never get married that it's going to all work out according to the plan that He has and whatever He has planned is so much more than anything I can imagine.

I can't change D. I can't change any of that. I can be thankful that God allowed me to be freed from the oppression and bondage which I was living under. I can be thankful that God knows all the details and He knows my heart. I don't have to take it all to FB but I can post scripture verses that allow me to express my heart in a way that unless you know me well, and or read my writing here, you would not know exactly what is going on.

I found a quote today by Socrates that I felt was perfect for me. "The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new".

I prayed this morning for a long time because I woke up with swirling thoughts. I'm sad that I didn't get the fairy tale miracle story. I'm sad that D is drinking again. I'm sad that his girlfriend will likely become his wife and have to experience that kind of hell. Then I said the serenity prayer, God, grant me the serenity to accept that things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Even typing it out, it calms me. There is much I can't change, especially as it relates to this closing chapter of my marriage. I'm thankful for where it's brought me. I'm thankful that I'm no longer there. I'm thankful that God is always faithful and He is a God who works out the details!

Steady

I feel fortunate to have friends that I can reach out to when the crazy starts to overwhelm me. I vented and processed and I feel steady once again.

Admittedly snooping on a FB page is none of my business so whatever I see is, again, none of my business. Seeing D's new girlfriend's comment about him being a "real man" and how she loves him, yeah that was not a good place for me yesterday.

I took a screen shot. I checked back waiting for a comment that stated he loved her too. Instead there was a comment from another person asking if he was ok because he sounded shaky. I immediately took my phone out to the stairwell and listened to the posted video. I'm 99% sure he's drinking again. The video is him singing and in the post he says he cried like a baby. While these seem innocuous I just lived through several years with this person.

So while yesterday was spent trying to get past the whole "love" statement today has been the realization that absolutely nothing changed. Believe me; I should have accepted this by this point. I should accept all the other indicating factors but truly the fact that there is a posted singing video, along with the fact that I know he's been having serious stomach pains again, gives me the clues that he's no longer in active recovery.

 

Knowing the hell that life can be when he's drinking I truly, truly feel a great deal of compassion for his girlfriend. I wish that I could reach out and be heard and be understood in order to protect another woman from the life I just escaped from.

5 Minutes Friday

Yesterday I posted that the countdown is on. I'm trying very hard to keep myself in check. I vacillate between being absolutely 1000% ready and then this odd part of me that is sad. I think this is likely normal. I also have to work harder now not to hate D than anytime in the previous 11 months or 3 years.

I decided to do an actual countdown because scripture research calms me. I found verses that all had to do with waiting and hope. I spent time over these past few years waiting, hoping, believing and knowing that God was in control. The ultimate ending to this story of my marriage was not at all what I expected and yet I clearly see how God moved all the details and worked all the pieces into place.

Regardless of how my marriage has ended it still hurts my heart when I hear of other marriages ending. I know that there are situations of abuse, and infidelity and those are not usually situations that can be repaired unless both parties are absolutely surrendered to God and to the process. On the day that was the 1 year anniversary of the catalyst night in which I knew I had to make a decision I fasted and prayed until 2pm for marriages. I think that marriage can be an amazing opportunity for friendship, love and being a lifetime team. I see examples of this. I also see examples of marriages that don't fit this example and it hurts knowing that I have friends hurting.

I anticipate the day that I will file for divorce more than I did my wedding. I didn't have a countdown. I didn't really do much in the planning. I've planned, I've created a countdown, I am more ready to file for divorce than I was to get married. I can't say I would change any of the past few years. Yes I am ready for the day that I will file but there was a long period of time during this past year when I think I subconsciously was waiting for D to show true change. Perhaps I didn't even realize that I was looking for this. He repeatedly proved, in every situation, that he had not changed. From the day that I left until the final text message that I sent when I told him that if he contacted me again I would send his girlfriend every text message he had sent me since October. That final message seems to be what it took. I've not heard from him since then. I did send a follow up email in which I told him if he moves he needs to contact me and tell me and I won't send his girlfriend the messages he's sent me.

He still believes that he is the victim. He believes that he has been wronged. There is an article that I posted on FB titled 12 traits of an abusive relationship. D met all 12. In fact it was downright uncanny the way he absolutely exemplified those traits. I resisted the urge to use the hashtag #hindsight2020. I sent his first wife a message about the article and she read it, and she shared it, and she used the hashtag #hindsigh2020. Even knowing and understanding that what I lived through was abuse there are times when I've had to struggle with the fact that I had to leave. My mind seems to forget and perhaps this is part of the healing but it's important that I remember the why so I can continue to move foward and not get stuck in a halfway place of being ok but not.

This week has been busy! Digging out from piles at work is a process. There were revival services at the Concord church Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday night. Wednesday night I went to Abs and Booty class. I'm still sore today!!! Last night it was so cold I didn't make it back out to the gym but when I leave work today I'm headed directly there.

Tomorrow I'll be going to Boone with Tiff and back in time for nursery at 5:30.

Audra celebrated her 6th birthday Wednesday. A year ago today I was cleaning up from her big princess party. Life moves on. God is good! This is a new chapter and I'm excited to fill the pages!

28 Days

The countdown has started.

1 1/8 Psalm 27:13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD

2 1/9 Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope

3 1/10 Micah 7:7 But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me

4 1/11 Romans 8:25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

5 1/12 Psalm 37:7-8 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

6 1/13 Hosea 12:6 But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always

7 1/14 Isaiah 26:8 Indeed, while following the way of Your judgments, O Lord, We have waited for You eagerly; Your name, even Your memory, is the desire of our souls.

8 1/15 1 Corinthians 4:5 Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God.

 9 1/16 Psalm 33:20-21 Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, Because we trust in His holy name

10 1/17 Romans 8:18-19 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God

11 1/18 Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.

12 1/19 Psalm 5:3 Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly

13 1/20 Psalm 38:15 Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.

14 1/21 Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You

15 1/22 Lamentations 3:21-23 This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD’S loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

16 1/23 Lamentations 3:24-25 The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.

17 1/24 Psalm119:165-166 Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. I wait for your salvation, Lord, and I follow your commands.

18 1/25 Galatians 5:5 For we through the Spirit, by faith, are waiting for the hope of righteousness

19 1/26 Psalm 25:21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You

20 1/27 Psalm 37:4-5 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.

21 1/28 Psalm 62:1-2 I wait quietly before God, for my  victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken.

22 1/29 Psalm 62:5-6 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope in in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

23 1/30 Psalm 25:4-5 Make me know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, For you are the God of my salvation; For you I wait all the day.

24 1/31 Psalm 31:24 Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the Lord.

25 2/1 Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence

26 2/2 Psalm 40:1-2 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

27 2/3 Psalm 34:3-4 Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

28 2/4 Psalm 18:1-3 I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.  I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.

Wrapping up 2014

Sunday 12/28 I ran the Belk Bowl 5K. I was happy with my official time, but it was not a PR. My runkeeper app said my pace was 8:36, I have got to get a watch. Runkeeper is not accurate. I was talking to my friend Erin and she said she has a new balance watch that she loves. I need a watch that accurately records my pace and distance. Since I am a little technologically slow the garmin might not be the first watch I need to purchase. The timex that my brother and SIL got me does not record the miles just my time.

Monday is a night I will probably never forget. I mentioned that D's first wife had reached out to me via FB. Her message was put into my other folder and so it sat from July to November without me ever seeing it. Finally I was home one day in November and checking FB from the computer and I saw it. I wrote her back and said that I had prayed for her so many times because I can't imagine what she lived through and that I would love to hear her story. She offered to meet me.

Originally we were supposed to meet the Saturday after thanksgiving but that had to be postponed. Then there was another evening we were going to meet and that had to be postponed again. Monday I texted that morning to make sure that we were still on and she said yes. It's a little odd to meet up with someone who you have never met and feel like you know so much about them. I walked in and she had just arrived. She is very pretty. We sat and talked for 3 hours. I told her more than once how much I appreciated her meeting me and talking to me.

I discovered we are just as much alike as I always suspected. I learned a lot and realized that the patterns that I recognized had been going on for so much longer than my marriage. I love her. In fact I've had to restrain myself from going crazy girl and texting and tagging on FB because I don't want to be scary. I'm just so thankful to have met her.

Tuesday night I got to catch up with Jess. I love when it works out for us to catch up and I thoroughly enjoyed dinner and coffee! She totally got me hooked on the Praline latte at Starbucks and I'm going to be sad when it goes away!

Wednesday I had the day off work. I started the day with a run. Jack and I did 4 miles. I had an appointment with the counselor at the Concord church. I had reached out the week of Christmas because I was just so angry at D. Not because he had moved on but because he was still sending me messages of love while planning a future with his new girlfriend.

The counselor had emailed me back Tuesday and asked if I wanted to come in and I made an appointment to go see her Wednesday. She and I talked about everything that had been going on and that was helpful! I told her about meeting the first wife and how special that was and how much it helped me. Then I told her that I know from my past relationships that I have tried to make better and be helpful and I think I've been misdirecting that and my desire to make a difference is not a bad thing I think there is a bigger picture perspective to it.

I've been reading a book called Made in the USA about human sex trafficing. It's APPALLING! It's so difficult for me to read that I'm not yet finished and I know that bringing awareness to what is going on is critical!

I told the counselor about the book and we began talking. There is a lady in the Concord church who has an organization that works to rescue these victims. The counselor asked if I would like to meet her and for us all to have lunch so I can find out more of what I can do. I jumped all over that!!! I am so excited, nervous and scared, but SO excited!!! With my years in Al-anon I have the ability to really understand and know how to help without enabling, how to detach with love, how to have boundaries but still be loving. I can't wait to see what 2015 holds for me as I begin to explore this journey that the Lord is starting to lead me on!

After my meeting with the counselor I met Patrice for lunch. Then I drove home to help my mom vacuum and get the house ready for her party. Then I went down to Tiffany's house where I rang in 2015 with her and K.

We had such a blast! Tiff made dinner and then each hour she had a different activity for K. We played princess monopoly, we had a glow stick dance party, we played Minion Life, and we celebrated the new year in an unforgettable way! Up until last night my favorite NYE had always been 2007 ringing in 2008 with Josh. That had been such a fun and easy night. Last night now takes the place as my favorite NYE!

Today I went to the gym to start the new year right! Mom is making collards, black eyed peas and pork. We'll have our New Years day meal and then tomorrow I go back to work.

I'm so excited for what 2015 holds! I think it's going to look very different than anything I ever anticipated or expected but God is definitely moving and I trust His timing and His plan!