5 Minutes

October was such an amazing month! I took last Thursday night and went through stacks of paper. Living at my parents I am in the bedroom I grew up in. I love this time, I love being there, I kind of drive my mom crazy when she sees my room. She points out that I didn't let the room look like that when I was with D. I point out that D was psychotic... that might be a little strong but he was definitely particular about how everything in the house had to be.

I left work early on Friday. The original plan had been a trip to GA to see my friend Vada but that has been postponed. I went for an oil change and then I took advantage of the GORGEOUS day and went for a run on the greenway. I got 6 miles in. It was so beautiful!!! Running this time of year is amazing! I went home and showered and got ready and met a friend of mine for dinner. She's in her sophomore year of college and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and hearing how everything is going!

Saturday morning I was up early and went to church where we were having the big fall festival. 2000 people came out from 11-3 on Saturday for the fun event. I love my church so much and this outreach is an amazing time to just love on people! I handed out candy and made a new friend at the same time. She and I were talking the whole time we handed out candy and I got to hear her story. Long story short the movie War Room could be written about her marriage. I can't explain how thankful I am to hear a story where they made it to the other side and they are stronger and more appreciative and more in love with each other. I pray for marriages all the time! She and I had a blast!

I left from handing out candy and went home to grab food and a nap and then I went to the Charlotte church to help out in nursery. I got an SOS call earlier in the week because the coordinator had no one because everyone was either taking their little ones trick or treating or going to a party. We ended up just having 2 little ones and the coordinator let me leave early which was nice because I was pretty tired even having had a nap!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service and 11 nursery. I took my friend Chelsea to lunch and we did a little shopping afterwards. Then she had to go study and I went to the gym and got 4 miles done.

Monday night I went back to the total conditioning extreme class. I swear it's SO HARD! I like it but this time I got 45 minutes in and wanted to quit, last time I was 30 minutes in, we're calling this an improvement!

Tuesday morning I dragged myself out of bed for a 3 mile run before work. I was meeting Tiff for dinner so I had to make sure that I got that done. She and I met and caught up with each other. I had a lot to fill her in on since it had been 2 weeks and she was sharing what's going on with her.

Yesterday I made it to abs and booty class. I'm somewhat sore today and that's not a bad thing. I did set the alarm for a run this morning but that didn't happen. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning. I have the best chiropractor in the world! My right arm had been going numb so I knew it was time to go see him!

This evening I have dinner plans. Tomorrow night I purposely kept the calendar free so I can have a night at home! Saturday I'll be headed to High Point to see my nephews. Sunday is church, lunch and then maybe a run. I'm trying to figure out the next few workouts. Next week is so insane I'm not sure that I'll be able to work out much at all. I'll just have to see what I can figure out!

So thankful that tomorrow is Friday!

5 Minutes

Friday night I went for a run with Jack. It was a beautiful evening and a great run! I love this time of year so much! Yes it makes me sad that we fall back because I prefer the extra hour but the scenery this time of year is amazing!!!

Saturday morning I had to be in class at 8am. I signed up for a NC conceal carry class because of the work I'm doing with human trafficking. This was something  felt would be good for me to have. I still have to apply for the permit at the sheriff's office and there are some changes happening in my life so I'm not sure what all is going to happen or if this will actually be followed through and I get the NC license.

I got done with class and drove down to meet my friend Tania at dinner. LOVED catching up with her! After dinner we went to Kohls and I purchased a few more Christmas gifts.

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and then I met my friend Erin for breakfast. The place we went was SO good! It's relatively new and they have basic breakfast but it was really good breakfast! Afterwards we went to the Kohls across the street and I picked up a few more Christmas things.

Sunday afternoon I was expecting a phone call and I anticipated I would be on the phone for a while. 2 hours and 45 minutes later I was saying goodbye. I cleaned my parents bathroom, did some laundry and didn't think about the fact that the gym closes early on Sunday. I got there at 7:35 and they close at 8 so I got 2 miles in. My original plan had been for 4-5 miles, next weekend!

Monday night I got my parents to go with me to a chick fil a fundraiser. I talk all the time about how small my world is. The little boy who the fundraiser was for is a cancer survivor. This past summer they discovered cancer behind his eye and he went to Philadelphia to have surgery. He's amazing! So this little boy is Patrice's cousin's nephew. Not only that but my mom taught his Dad in high school. The way my life is interconnected is really fun sometimes!

Last night I got home and it was so rainy and cold I crawled under the covers. I dragged myself out to go to the gym and I got 4 miles done. I have a 10K on Thanksgiving and a 10K December 5 and I would like good times for both so I need to amp up my base mileage and start working on speed and cross training.

Stream of thought

Monday after work I ventured to the gym. I planned an easy strength training session since I wasn’t sure how my legs were going to do. I did arms, legs and abs. This was not anything crazy or difficult but by the time I was finishing up my crunches I thought I was going to throw up. I attributed it to still recovering. I’m so sore today that I’m not sure I was still recovering or I just didn’t know my own skills in putting together a toning workout.

Since Monday night’s session resulted in nausea I didn’t work out on Tuesday. I didn’t have to be at work until 10 because I had a later meeting. I slept in and eased around until I had to leave for work. I didn’t get home from work until 8 last night so I’m glad I had a little extra time during the morning!

I am so excited! After I got home I purchased plane tickets! I’m going to be able to go to my cousin’s wedding in CA. I haven’t been to CA since I was 13. All of my Dad’s brothers still live out there. To have the opportunity to connect with my West Coast family is really special, I follow everyone on social media but to actually spend time together is going to be amazing! I originally thought that there was no way I could go and I said as much to my mom. The following morning as I was getting ready I was praying and I had the impression I was supposed to go. So I looked up flights and currently they are affordable enough for me to go. A request for the time off, asking my friend to keep Jack for me, and making sure I had a place to stay all fell into place and so a plane ticket has been purchased!

This morning I was up early! I ran a mile and I did a mile on the elliptical. I’m crazy sore and I didn’t want to push too hard because I don’t want to create further issues for myself! Traffic on the way in, law have mercy! I know it could be worse, I know this, but it took an hour. Waze always gives an estimate when I first plug in the address and Waze is super optimistic every single time. I know to add 20-30 minutes in the morning to the estimated time of arrival.

My new nephew in High Point is being baptized this month and I needed a dress… Admittedly this was a want not a need, technically, regardless I found a fabulous green number on clearance at Dillards. I haven’t worn green in a while and I love this dress! 

I also found a blue Tahari number that I simply couldn’t leave behind. This one was also on clearance.

Tonight I'm getting my hair trimmed. I'm long overdue, I haven't had a trim since March!

Happy Wednesday!!!

5 minutes

At some point last week the judge signed my divorce papers, I hope. Since I haven't heard anything one way or another I'm going with the no news is good news assumption.

Easter was so fun! I had nursery for the 9 service, I attended the 11 service and then I rushed home to help my Mom get Easter lunch served. It was so nice having everyone here and enjoying each other's company. I took Jack for a run after everyone left because it was so beautiful outside!

Work has slowed down significantly for which I am thankful. The downside, apparently I work better under extreme pressure. Now that I don't have 5 million things all required at the same time I have trouble focusing. I still have plenty to do. I have files that have to get published, July renewals that are supposed to already be done and August renewals that are supposed to be started.

I have been struggling to stay on task. I think that I'm perhaps a little burned out. I am off the last week of April to attend a Heartquest event. This is a week long retreat to get away and spend time with the Lord. Up until today I had been feeling extremely disconnected and unable to focus on the devotionals. There are 30 days of prep, 5 days on the retreat, and then 30 days follow up. I have been in this very weird place that I really don't like. PMS is real, and I know that a lot of my feelings are related to it this week.

Today was my first day to eat sweets after my year long sweets fast. Admittedly it's been a lot more sugar today than in the previous year. Including the large cup of ice dream from chick fil a at lunch. I ate half, ate my grilled chicken nuggets, and then the other half. I currently feel pretty nauseous.

I started the sweets fast when I was in a really bad place with the bulimia. I was freed from the bulimia in July of last year. Today I really wasn't prepared for the onslaught of memories triggered by the sugar. I actually plan to do another 60 day sweets fast starting tomorrow. I feel like I need to better prepare for this next one to end. I don't want to let go of the freedom that I have from the bulimia and eating sugar seems to be an enormous trigger. It's so eye opening to me that these things I think I've dealt with, and in some ways I have, have many different layers to them.

It's the way it is about D. I think I'll be doing fine and then Mom and Dad go out of town and I get hit with the unexpected like the GF having the conversation with him about the information that she has that he was telling another woman that he loved her 10 days before proposing to her. That left me in a weird place that weekend when my parents were out of town and I was struggling to stay accountable to not go back to old habits.

I've never been entirely sure why I felt like I was supposed to do this sweets fast I just knew very clearly that I was called to do it. In looking back I can see how the weeks leading up to me being set free from bulimia were positioning me and then afterwards helping me continue to move forward in freedom. There is something to all of this and I realize that I need to work through it.

I've shared in small group settings a few times now about the fact that I was set free last July. It's such an unnerving process to be this real with people because quite honestly people are likely to judge and while I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, and by sharing I might help someone else, it still leaves me in a vulnerable spot.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was and I'm not where I'm going but I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

Weekend fun, exercise, no justifications

Saturday morning I was able to sleep in a little bit, which was needed! Mom and I went to a Christmas craft fair in the middle of nowhere. It's held every year in a school and they use all the class rooms as well as the Library and the gym to set up booths for vendors. In the cafeteria they offer breakfast until 11 and lunch after that.

We had a really good time checking out all the different offerings. I was impressed by the variety and the fact that there are a lot of talented people!

We arrived around 9 and I think we left right around 12. We stopped by BoJangles for lunch and then Mom got to check out the brand new Walmart. I had to get more Rubbermaid storage containers and food for Jack. She needed some things, so it worked out well to stop on our way home.

Saturday afternoon she helped me move the stuff from the cardboard boxes into the storage containers. Once I got that done I took a nap and then went to the gym. It hit me as I was getting ready to go to the gym and I didn't have plans other than going to the gym that I was alone. This sounds completely ridiculous since I'm living with my parents but when I was married there were plenty of Saturday nights where we were not doing anything but I was married and we had Audra and it was what I had always wanted as far as the husband and the child. I had it with CF&G, and when it was gone it was a big hole. I find myself yet again facing the alone.

It's a process and one that I'm continuing to move forward with. I have to just accept that this is where I am. I wanted what I wanted so much that I ignored every flag and warning sign and polly-anna-d my way into a marriage that was a disaster. Being out of the everyday stress and insanity has created the ability to recognize that I loved him, and that it had good moments. I think that this is also what allows us to begin to heal, that distance that takes the sharpest edges off the hurts.

I felt better after I worked out. Exercise is always a good way to let go of negative thoughts. I was in bed by 9:30 Saturday night. Yesterday morning I was up early so I could get my run in before church. I went to the gym and ran 4 miles.

I went to the 11 service so I could sit with Patrice and Aaron. Before the service I was talking to a casual friend who I really like. She does not know any details from me regarding my marriage other than the fact that we are no longer together. She asked me yesterday how Daron was doing.

It was an honest question that I wasn't prepared for. The immediate answer that went across my brain, oh he has a girlfriend. Fortunately I've learned how to keep these kinds of answers from just being blurted out. I took a breath and gave a shrug and said I honestly don't talk to him and I don't know. I gave the best non answer I could. My immediate desire is to give the run down and the justifications and word vomit all of it so this friend will understand why I made the decision that I made.

Immediately after I left I also left the church. I know that D shared his version of the story to quite a few friends so I don't know if this friend was one of those people or not. He acknowledged that his drinking was the reason why I left but that he was a changed person and I just needed to understand it and come back. He could be so charming and persuasive that I'm sure people believed that it was just a simple matter of reconciling our differences.

One thing I've learned over these past few years is that I don't have to explain. I don't have to give justifications. I have to make the choices and decisions that are the right ones for me. I have to answer for the choices and decisions that I make and I'm fully aware of this.

I was not expecting to feel that immediate need to cast aspersions on my soon to be ex-husband and his character. I realize that I have more work to do on the letting go. I have not heard from him since November 6, the more time that passes the easier it is for me to move forward. I have to work on the fact that there is still some kind of hold on me when I do or don't hear from him.

I've said I am done. I mean that I am done. Yet there is this completely irrational ridiculous part of me that somehow has not let go yet. Maybe it's the part that is freaked out about the whole alone thing. Maybe it's the part of me that always believed that she had to be married. Maybe it's the part of me that knows that dating is horrible and not something I ever planned or wanted to do again and I have no idea if I ever will actually date again. I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from but it's there. 

I feel really fortunate that I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. From my family and friends to my sponsor and weekly meeting as well as the pastor and counselor at church. Every step of the way God has provided exactly what I have needed and need as I navigate this journey. I just have to trust in His plan and seek Him. 

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

November 7 - 9 2014

Friday after work I drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. My SIL made awesome chili! We hung out and talked and caught up with each other and watched a few episodes of Diners Drive Ins and Dives on Netflix. 

Saturday morning I was up early and I went for a 4 mile run. It was 34 degrees, pretty cold! However, by the time I finished my run I was my usual hot mess! My nephew was up when I got back and he was finishing his breakfast.

My SIL and I decided to make a trip to Belks so I could try and find a top for my big girls night that evening. I had packed 2 options but I've worn both several times now and Saturday night was super special! I found just what I was looking for and I found 2 adorable outfits for my nephew!

B and J took me to Olive Garden for lunch, so yummy and one of my favorites! Of course I had the soup, salad and bread sticks!

I left their house at 2:30 and headed to the hotel in Greensboro to meet up with my girls. Back in July I bought tickets for the Casting Crowns, Mandisa and Sidewalk Prophets concert. I originally started looking at Mandisa concerts last spring but by the time I had the idea she was wrapping up her current tour. So when I found out that she would be traveling with Casting Crowns it worked out great for us to go! I talked to Amy about inviting my friend Tiffany and her little girl and the plan was set.

They were actually very excited! They were in a Nickelodeon coma at this point and we were getting ready to head to the concert.

Amy and her girl

Tiffany and her girl

Sweet Girl!

I took this picture when we first got there. Our seats were on the floor in the middle and they were great seats!

Right around the time that all the planning was coming together the Dollar store had the glow sticks for the 4th of July. I stocked up on necklaces and bracelets and they have been in my closet since July.

Glow stick fun

The glow sticks were a great distraction since the concert was a little late starting due to traffic issues

She had so much fun with her necklaces and bracelets!

First up was Sidewalk Prophets and they did an awesome job! 

They did an acoustic song were they all gathered around the mic it's kind of hard to see them in the picture but that's what is going on. 

Intermission and waiting for Mandisa to come on stage.

Mandisa kicked off her set with her good morning song. This is a favorite for both the girls and they were super excited!

This was during the song, she was mesmerized by Mandisa.

It was such an awesome night! I am so thankful that we had this opportunity! We stayed at the Drury Inn and Suites that was less than 2 miles to the coliseum so it worked out great! There was an indoor pool and complimentary evening snacks and breakfast. The girls got to go swimming this morning after breakfast much to their delight! I think the water was actually pretty chilly so they only stayed down there about 30 minutes.

I had anticipated this for so long and I'm so glad that it all worked out so well!

I got home to a very excited Jack Banner. He was so happy to see me! I did get to the gym this evening and did some weights and the elliptical. I'm trying to make sure that I keep up the working out simply because I like not constantly having to worry if my clothes are going to fit correctly.

disclaiming, fitness challenge recap, pictures

Disclaimer: I am able to function and work and do everything that I need to do. I've been able to compartmentalize the situation with D to a point. My writing is where I am sorting through everything. Since Friday I've been able to reign in most of the reactive emotions and now I'm able to resume normal life. I do have the back part of my brain where I know all this has happened and I'm still working through it.

Friday after work I took Jack for a run. The weather here was beautiful and I needed to run out my emotions. Last week my sleep was completely messed up and I had a constant head ache. D has been paying for his health insurance. Last month when he sent the check he just sent a check. This month he wrote a letter about how he loves me, how he will always love me and that I am the only one for him.

I have 2 1/2 years of broken promises. I have 2 1/2 years of trying really hard to make my marriage work. I have 2 1/2 years that I prayed and changed everything I could change with me. I would love to believe that he could actually follow through on his promises but his track record is not successful and the likelihood of me going back and 3 months later, if that long, I find myself back in the same place except I've lost my friends and family, yeah I just can't do that.

I have the most amazing friends and family. I am so incredibly loved. I was reminded of that this weekend and today as I have talked to various people about different things. I'm processing. I think last week made me admit feelings to myself that I didn't want to admit, namely that I do in fact love him, but even acknowledging that allows me to continue moving forward.

I checked his FB and he is still friends with the girlfriend. As long as they are still FB friends I'm going to believe that they are still dating. He might believe that he loves me and I'm the only one he loves and blah blah blah but the whole girlfriend factor negates all the pretty words.

Friday night I went to my Al-Anon meeting. Our subject for the evening was detachment. I was right where I was supposed to be!

Saturday morning I drove down to SC to see my friend Margs and help her boys celebrate their birthdays. I bought books for the boys at Wild Rumpus in Minneapolis and they books were a huge hit!!! My oldest nephew took the book to bed with him that night.

I had lunch and sang happy birthday and then I hit the road back to Charlotte.

I stopped for coffee and by the liquor store. I got home and gave my parents the update on the party and how Margs and her family are doing and then I packed a bag and headed to Patrice's house.

I'm not high maintenance at all.... I did have 4 outfit options so there is that.

It was a last minute decision to drive up there to get ready but it worked out really well! The jumpsuit fit. The 21 day fitness challenge was a success. In fact I lost 6 lbs. I was super excited that all my jeans fit really well. Patrice and I decided that the sweater and jeans was more of the Charlie's Angel look than the jumpsuit and so I am saving that for another time.

I was super comfortable minus the shoes. My feet still hurt from the shoes.

Sunday morning I went to church and then met Patrice for lunch. She didn't go because L has a runny nose and cough and she didn't want to put him in the nursery and share his germs.

After we had lunch I went home for a nap followed by cleaning the bathrooms and then a run. I realized after doing this 21 days of fitness that I am much happier when I am working out and when my jeans fit. There is a confidence that I have that I haven't felt in a long time.

Tonight I went to Sassy Girl and did Sass Fit which is 1 minute circuits of crazy things like burpees and squat jumps and frog squats etc. I love it, it kicks my butt!

I have my small group tomorrow night. Wednesday night is a wine tasting that I'm super excited about and Saturday is the concert in Greensboro with Amy and Tiffany and their girls. I bought the tickets in July and the concert is FINALLY here!!! We are all so excited!

It's going to be a typically crazy busy week!

I hurt!

My body hurts! From my shoulders down!

Saturday morning I woke up crazy early and was at the gym by 5:15. I worked out until 6:15 and then showered and drove up to High Point.

I rode with my brother and SIL to Boone and kept my nephew company in the back seat.

We had the best time! It was one of those amazing, incredible, wonderful, beautiful days in the NC Mountains and spending time with my family was fantastic!

We left the mountains after lunch and drove back to High Point and then I drove back to Charlotte.

I helped celebrate Carolyn's birthday Saturday night at my favorite, Los Arcos. Carolyn is the friend who directed my wedding, and then helped me move out of the Concord house.

My Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda arrived Saturday while we were at dinner for an impromptu visit. They decided last week to come for a visit this week. I love that I have seen them so frequently this year!

Sunday I was up early and ran 4 miles. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda went to church with me. I went to the 11 service so I got to see Audra, she hugged me for about 5 minutes and wouldn't let go. We sat with Patrice and Aaron.

After church Brian and Jenny were in town and joined us for lunch at my parent's house.

Monday I went to chair fit for the first time in ages. I am STILL so sore!!!!!!!

 

Yesterday I was able to have lunch with my parents and Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda, they came to Pineville and took me to lunch. Last night I didn't go to my small group so I could spend more time with my family. I did take Jack for a 4 mile run.

Tonight I have shake and tone.  I'm pretty sure I won't be using the 5lb weights. I have been trying to stay within my calorie range but this week I am so hungry all the flipping time! I kind of want to say forget it but I can't because I've committed to at least do my best to make this outfit fit!

Right where I am

I texted my counselor from last year on Monday and scheduled an appointment. I realized that I was not in a healthy place because with my parents being out of town I started feeling like the walls were falling in on me.

I mentioned the nice lady that I met last Thursday. She was well intention-ed and I understand that divorce is not something that is a desirable process to go through. So she had asked me to go out Saturday but I declined since Saturday was already so full. Then Monday morning as I'm doing my devotions and checking email, I notice that I have a message on my FB chat.

Turns out that this lady had met D the previous Sunday, that they had talked on the phone, and texted more than they had talked and she feels weird being in this place. She said he seems truly repentant and talked about how hard it is to not be able to explain to Audra why he can't just say I'm sorry and L comes home.

In fairness she did state that she knew that she could never understand the whole story and she would not bring it up again.

So I'm all kinds of disconcerted by this message. I mean suddenly the question from Friday night made a whole lot more sense. I replied back to her that I appreciated her honesty. That it is entirely up to her how she wants to move forward. That I understand that D needs friends too. That his actions do not match his words, and that as far as it goes with Audra Amy knows that I am there, she just has to call me, and I have been to see her several times. I said that the way he has chosen to handle the explanations has made it complicated for him, and that the difficulty is his own making.

My immediate wish is to delete her from my FB but that would be obvious. She has a ton of running questions and I never mind answering questions. I don't put a lot out there on FB so I don't really have to worry about what is there. She thanked me for being so gracious and then asked me a running question.

It's just weird. Then there is the whole, why does D feel that it is ok to be calling and texting another woman when he is professing undying love for me... My sponsor made an excellent point that he is trying to find a back up plan. Which I totally can see that.

D would have a conniption if it came to his knowledge that I was talking or texting someone else. This was one of those hypocritical things that came up in our marriage on the regular. It was ok for him to call an ex wife but God forbid I so much as had an ex boyfriend on FB.

The truth is I have this feeling that he is already sleeping with other people. I just don't think he's met anyone interesting enough to deter him from trying to win me back.

He has pulled out The Love Dare book and started trying to message me every day. This is the book that he bought me for my birthday the year he forgot my birthday. So I'm getting these messages that are just another tactic to try and say the things that he thinks that I want to hear.  I'm not buying.

The other factor is that I'm his 3rd wife and he doesn't want a 3rd failed marriage. He likes to tell everyone that no one is speaking biblical truth in my life (never mind the fact that I had a Christian counselor and pastor (who knows the Word inside and out) who were my mentors as I went through the counseling process) but because God hates divorce somehow the *minor* detail of his first 2 marriages don't matter it's this marriage that suddenly God hates divorce... because I point back to the whole, hypocritical personality trait.

UGH!

Thank God for Al-Anon. All this is crazy making stuff and while it bugs me and while I'm left feeling aggravated and annoyed I know that this too shall pass. I don't do drama. I don't do OH MY GOSH THIS IS LIFE ENDING, nor am I trying to move any further past where I currently am. I'm living with my parents and I'm quite happy to be here.

Mom and Dad got home last night. My dog was beside himself with joy. They were both off work today to have a day to get their bearings back and Jack followed my mom the entire day and would not let her out of his sight. He adores them and they love him too.

Now that mom and dad are home, and I have an appointment scheduled with the counselor I am starting to feel a little more centered. I have a race this weekend, followed by an oil change, followed by an outside concert that the 91.9 radio station puts on every year. I'm so excited to see Matthew West in concert!

Meanwhile I need to go run but I'm lacking the motivation, it's flipping HOT outside but I'm not going to complain about it too loudly because winter lasted for way too long this year!

Mom's Birthday in Beaufort

When last I wrote I was preparing for the trip to Beaufort, SC with my mom and aunt. We had an absolute blast!!!!

We arrived Friday for lunch. My aunt made the most amazing shrimp salad sandwiches and pasta salad along with pistachio cupcakes complimented by pistachio ice cream to start the celebration.

We talked down to a carriage ride.

We walked back and had pre-dinner drinks. Our 7pm reservations at Emily's got moved to 6pm saturday because construction workers hit the main gas line in downtown Beaufort.

We switched and went to the place we had planned for dinner on Saturday night. Docksiders in Port Royal was amazing!!!!

We woke up to breakfast on Saturday morning, my mom's birthday. My aunt made an amazing quiche and decorated the table with Grandmommy's china. 

We drove to Hunting Beach, where I put my toes in the very cold Atlantic Ocean and we found a sand dollar and a few sharks teeth.

We drove back to Beaufort to visit the Chocolate tree and then do a little browsing in the shops downtown.

We headed back to my aunt's house for margaritas and snacks

Just before 6 we made our way back to Emily's where we had the MOST incredible dinner!!!

BIRTHDAY GIRL

For dessert they brought my mom out a HUGE piece of chocolate cake that was awesome!

 
Sunday morning after breakfast we headed home. I honestly love the SC low country. There is something magical about it! I really want to go back. What I didn't know was that Edisto is right next to Hunting and I have wanted to get back to Edisto since my first visit in 2007. I'm going to plan something at some point to get back!

Stream of Thought

For about .02 seconds I thought oh my goodness I'm totally on top of my Christmas game. Then I remembered that I have not yet purchased the gifts for friends who I usually exchange gifts with. That list has condensed now to just Patrice, Margs and Nicole but regardless I still have 3 more gifts left.

Patrice and Margs are easy, they are out of town, hence they will receive from two of my favorites and theirs, Margs will get an Amazon e gift card and Patrice one from Vic Secret. They don't read this, so I'm no worried about them finding out what their gifts will be.

Nicole is receiving a Marshalls gift card and I'm done. I know that some consider gift cards impersonal; I consider them a delightful way to bestow upon someone the opportunity to splurge on themselves!

I will say that I am much better prepared for Audra's birthday this year. I think this is the first year that I already have her presents purchased and much of her party already planned. That said, last week in Boone she informs me she wants a mermaid party.

I know that this request stems from the party that her friend L had that was a Little Mermaid theme party. I told Audra that no she is going to have a princess party and she is going to have so much fun with her friends. She is 4 turning 5 and already wanting to do what her friends do, that concerns me just a little bit. She was gung ho for her princess party up until the mermaid party and then suddenly she changes her mind, what???

I know that her party is going to be great and her friends will have fun and this will all be a memory, it just surprised me that this came up.

In other Audra news she has officially moved up a shoe size. I had a huge bag of size 11 shoes that I gave away at the beginning of fall. Her mom mentioned a few weeks ago that they had measured her foot and she had measured a 12 1/2. Last week she put her foot on a carpet measure and measured for a 13… So I have some shoes that have been worn once, some only a handful of times, and I am trying to determine if I am going to give them away, or sell them to the consignment store.

Fortunately I didn't buy a crazy amount of shoes. I had one pair that still had the tag, and I still had the receipt and I was able to take it back and get full store credit, no refund since it was past 30 days but I'm good with store credit. Decent kid shoes are expensive and my favorite go-to for stride rite was piperlime and they are no longer going to sell kid's shoes, which makes me very sad! I'll be checking out zappos and amazon for sure!

This week I made it to Abs and Booty on Monday, out for a run with Jack on Tuesday and to Shake and Tone on Wednesday. Last night was the women's event at church and tonight I'm planning to take Audra to see a play at her school. Tomorrow morning I'm trying for a long run. I'm a little apprehensive since I didn't do a long run last weekend but I will just see how I do and not put any expectations on myself.

I will be going to the gym for my run since they are calling for rain all weekend.

Happy Friday!!!

Life on the go

Yesterday afternoon I left work and drove to North Charlotte to pick up Jack's flea prevention. I love Jack Banner, he is the best Valentine's present ever! I hate fleas so the drive yesterday was totally worth the little bit of stress.

I'm so thankful that I don't have to regularly travel 77 and 85 for work. It's ridiculous how the traffic is during rush hour. In all honesty it's not as bad as other big cities. I realize that Charlotte is small potatoes compared to other big cities, but still, I am thankful that I don't have to regularly commute those highways!

I made it to the clinic and home by 5:30. I jumped in the car with Daron and we were off to Audra's Christmas program.

On our way there we had words about why my husband can't just wait for an oil change like a normal person. It's always lovely to be walking into something, like a school Christmas program, with a look on you face like you want to smack your husband. I'm pretty sure that was what my face looked like.

The program was very well done. It reaffirmed once again just how much I love Audra's school.

I'm so glad that they did the program at night, it makes it so much easier for working parents, stepmoms, to get there!

This afternoon I have to pick Daron up from the dealership where he is dropping his car off and then we are picking Audra up. I am so excited for my trip tomorrow!

Happy Friday!

5 Minutes, catching up

Last week I was sick, all week long. Those kid germs are no joke! When we had Audra the previous weekend she still had the cough and runny nose. I hold her hand all the time, because she's 4. If we are out in a parking lot, in a store, wherever, I hold her hand. Which means that even washing mine, I still managed to catch her germs.

Sunday night after we had done the prayer walk in the new church building I could feel it coming on. I took mucinex. Then I took more mucinex.

I left work early last Tuesday and went home and slept.

By Friday I was feeling better. I swear mucinex is the best thing ever!!! Instead of the cough lingering, which has happened in past year, I'm still dealing with having to blow my nose but that is it.

I picked Audra up on Friday from her mom's. Saturday I got 7 miles in, the first run I did all week. I was going for 8 but I realized that I wasn't going to make 8 and I cut it short.

Audra had a birthday party to go to at the skating rink, I think she had a good time! She's had so many birthday parties lately, these presents add up!

Sunday morning I had nursery. I love the little people that I get to spend time with!

Sunday evening we had our last small group of the year. I love our small group! I love being involved in church. I never ever ever thought I would say that but as I've gotten involved and become a part of things, I love it!

Last night I did chair fit for the first time since I fell 2 weeks ago. No injuries, Yay!!!! Speaking of that though, my elbows still hurt from that fall!!!

I know that it's not yet Thanksgiving but I'm totally ready to decorate for Christmas. I have suggested that we let Audra have the pink tree in her room and we pull out the green tree. I really want to decorate the tree this year, but I'm not sure that my super opinionated super picky about decorating husband is going to completely go along with my desire to decorate a tree without a theme.

I registered for a half marathon in March. Hopefully I will have no injuries between now and then and I will finally be able to run another one!

Thanksgiving we're going to both my parents, and D's. It means I have to get through 2 Thanksgiving meals without overeating... I know I can, it's just going to be a challenge! This is why I'm planning on a long run Thanksgiving morning to help balance out the calories!

Happy Tuesday!!!

It's HERE

Audra's bed has arrived, and is assembled and in place!!!

Having choices

The thing about training that is a little dangerous to my check book is the amount of downtime that I have. I love it, but I will admit that it's during this time that I probably spend way too much money.

Audra's birthday party location is booked. So now, technically, I could just hold off on anything further.

2 weeks ago I went to Party City and bought the plates, napkins, balloons, and invitations, as well as a few other things. I've decided I'm going to return the invitations. I want to order some adorable pink fairy princess invitations from here, or I found some super cute fairy invitations from Vista Print that might work.

Both places I can purchase the invitations for less than what the invitations were at Party City and have enough to send out to the invited adults (Grandparents , Aunts and Uncles) instead of just the invited children.

I didn't really "plan" my wedding. It was just not worth the fight when dealing with someone who had been planning my wedding since I was born. I decided that since it wasn't my money I would just keep my mouth shut. I paid for the invitations and I still love the invitations. I chose my dress, and I still love my dress. I am married, and ultimately things have worked out although it has certainly been an uphill battle at times.

When Audra and I went to the place Saturday I asked her what she thought. I asked her if this is where she wanted to have her party. While I will ultimately make some decisions without her, she's only 4; I want to make sure that she feels included. She definitely has her own opinions so I think she needs to give her input for her party. I try to remember to treat her, not like a grown up, but as a person who has thoughts and feelings.

For the cake she has already let me know that she wants a Barbie fairy princess cake, she has a cousin who makes cakes. I would love to have an excuse to go to Edible Art in Dilworth area and they could easily do a Barbie cake but since the cake made by her cousin will be significantly less I'm going to save myself the bazillion calories and go with the more economical option.

For the food, I'll make sure that she has her favorite cfa nuggets, fruit and chips for her and her friends.

The child has enough clothes for this year, but for her birthday outfit I would love love love to purchase a cute birthday outfit like this one

Found Here

Instead of purchasing an outfit without her input I'm going to do like I did with her bedding. She and I are going to pick it out together and I get veto rights if I don't like it. I think she'll appreciate being able to pick out her special outfit and it will save me from feeling put out with her if she doesn't like an outfit that I choose thinking she is going to love it. She might just love this little dress and we'll pick this one with her I never know.

I think I realized after going with her to look at the party room that she deserves a voice. This is her party, and I want her to be able to vocalize her likes and dislikes. I think that I'm developing a balance that is necessary. There are times when I'm Lori and what I say goes, and other times when I need to let go and not try to control. She and I spend so much time together and I do my best to explain plans, what we're doing, where we are going, and what will be happening.

I've spent the past several weeks realizing that a lot of what I'm currently trying to change comes down to lack of control. Growing up I didn't have much say in anything. Going to college I was, in some ways, out of control. My eating for these past 2 1/2 years has been out of control.

I called Daron last Friday morning, early, and told him that I did better when he wasn't trying to cook for me. The salad on Tuesday night was way too much, the salad on Wednesday night was way too much. He had a salad waiting for me on Thursday night that I literally split into 2 complete salads. I told him that I appreciated him but that he was not being fair expecting me to eat the whole flipping container of lettuce that he purchased and then ate NONE of.

He bought the kind of lettuce that he likes, the good for you kind that looks like weeds, which I can choke down with the best of them. Wednesday night he put raw broccoli on the salad for the record I really really really dislike raw broccoli. I ate because I did not want to be unthankful or unappreciative but finally I realized that I needed to stand my ground. Without intentionally meaning to he was being controlling. So Friday morning I took a stand. He didn't agree with me, but he's not the one fighting the fight that I'm fighting.

This week is my "heavy" week. I hate it. I pulled my back on Tuesday morning so I have not worked out at all. Despite those factors I have been so much better this week about food. I realize and understand that I am extremely blessed that my husband does the majority of the food/meals at our house. I am not in any way shape or form trying to take away from what a huge deal that is to me. I just need him to not cook for me. I've been perfectly clear all along, cook for you.

I'm going on a trip tomorrow with my parents. I'll be having the same "discussions" with my mom as always about food, and my choosing not to eat. At 34 years old I think I have earned the right to eat or not to eat as I so decide!

I went down that whole path because what I'm trying to do for Audra is give her a voice. I want her to know that her thoughts and opinions matter. I want her to know that she has choices. I'm not saying that she gets a say all the time but I think allowing her the independence to choose will hopefully allow her to grow up knowing that she matters.

Thursday Thread of randoms

Training at work is progressing. I feel like I'm starting to retain some new things. A lot of what I'm doing is familiar so grasping the new stuff is important!

Last night D had an Asian grilled chicken salad waiting for me. It was delicious! I'm so hooked on say yes to the dress on netflix. I love watching the dresses and the brides. I ate dinner while watching an episode and then I got ready for my abs and booty class.

Last night I got home and Jack Banner was on his best behavior waiting for the next nilla wafer. He had apparently been participating in this game since shortly after I left.

Tonight I plan to run 3 with Jack.

Thankfully the fog has lifted and I don't feel exhausted. I guess I was fighting something because Monday and Tuesday I was so sleepy!

This morning our head person over the Charlotte office, who is awesome, is having a going away breakfast because she's been moved to another office. I love her and I'm so sad to see her go but it's a good opportunity, so we're all happy for her, though we will miss her!

I was good. I was actually very good. I passed up donuts and casseroles and other yummy goodnesses. I did try an apple tart, that was incredible and I did have donut holes.

I've been productive today, including an online shopping spree at ON. They have a lot of good stuff on clearance and an online 20% off code that I took advantage of! 2 pairs of shoes, 2 dresses, several tops, all for under $90.

I mentioned I switched out Audra's wardrobe last weekend. Law have mercy! I have not bought anything for this season. I didn't have to. She had hand me downs from her cousins that stocked her jeans and shirts. The only thing she could possibly need is a dress for a special event if we even have one come up. I did buy her Christmas dress last year so that's waiting and ready.

I am starting to feel sore from my class last night, ahhhh you just can't beat a good workout!

fair, run, group

Friday night we went to the fair. Amy came to the house first and followed us there. I had gone in to change clothes, and I hear Audra on the porch proclaim that "this is the best day my whole family is together".  We had a fantastic time at the fair. We all rode rides and the kids played a few games. They won a few stuffed animals a piece.  We set the limit on how many games they would play so that the cost didn't get too crazy.

I was able to run 9 miles on Saturday morning. This is HUGE! I've been fighting an Achilles injury and my half marathon is a month away. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to pick my mileage back up and still run my half!

I posted a status update on FB talking about a bag full of shoes. Audra went from a 10.5 to a 12, which I wasn't expecting. I thought she would do like she did last year and her foot would be an 11 until at least January if not a little longer.  So I had a collection of size 11 shoes that was somewhat ridiculous considering we only have her on the weekends. In my defense the consignment stores have sales where you buy 1 pair and get 3 free, or buy 3 get 3 free, so that is part of the reason why she had so many. I also shop clearance, and when I see a cute pair of shoes for $5, I'm a sucker. I have promised myself that I am going to do better about this. She simply doesn't need as many pairs as she had.

Saturday afternoon we picked Audra up from Amy and had her for the evening until church Sunday. After church Sunday Daron and I went to lunch and the grocery store and then he worked on his business idea and I took Jack for a walk. I had small group and Daron stayed home working on his business.

We signed up for the same small group that we participated in this summer. I really love the group, the people, and the atmosphere. At first it was a little intimidating to me but I'm starting to feel more comfortable. Amy is a part of the group and Audra loves the "big girls" who keep an eye on the younger kids while the adults meet.

My husband can be (or is) an isolationist. One of the most ongoing disagreements between us is that I refuse to allow myself to be isolated from family and friends. I push back hard on this topic and generally he and I never agree. I simply do what I need to do and I don't ask rather I tell that I am going to go visit, insert friend here, or I have dinner plans with insert friend here. I work to make sure that when I do have plans I schedule things out I can't always keep it spread out but I do my best to try and keep it from being too many things back to back. Example my friend Nicole and I are running the half together, she has plans for a girls night dinner afterwards and I was invited. I had to decline the dinner invitation because if I agreed to that in addition to my race it would be a fight I just don't want to fight. He doesn't realize that I choose these battles.

Last night I had a wonderful time at small group. Group usually last about 3 hours which sounds like a long time but there is conversation, discussion and prayer and when you have 10-12 people sharing it's not going to be short. The message at church yesterday was on building relationships and for group this "semester" we're talking about the sermon as our study format. So we talked about how important relationships are, and why community is important. In all honesty it's sometimes really difficult for me because I realize and understand the necessity of community and I want to be open and honest but there is a lot that is not my story to share. So I find ways to share without using examples. Instead of making it all about how D is the isolationist extreme I simply kept my sharing about me, I figure small group is not the time to vent.

5 Minutes

This morning I was there as Audra started her first day of K-4. We had orientation last Thursday night where she played in her class room and met her classmates for the first time.

One of the little girls used to be one of her nursery buddies at church and they both smiled at each other when we were at church Saturday night.

I'm excited for the girl to have this opportunity. Despite my concerns after this year of how to pay for it I truly believe that if this is where she's supposed to be then God is going to provide a way to make it happen.

On another subject, my 12 mile run did not happen. I just researched using Dr. Google. The hills, that I hate, seem to be the likely explanation for why my heel is hurting. It sounds like it might be Achilles tendonitis. I have an appointment with the world's best chiropractor on 9/5.

This so does not fit into my plans but I'll rest it, and research what to do for it until I can get in to see Dr. Josh.

In all honesty I know my posting has been light these past few weeks. I am frustrated and aggravated and instead of sharing all this I'm just not writing. It's not fair to only write my version, and I'm sure that there are things that I'm doing that I need to change too. I'm hoping that as I work through things with the counselor I will move towards a better mental place overall.

5 Minutes

Last week went by in a blur. The amount of work that is even still on my desk is quite a bit. I'm not complaining, it's actually a good thing, but this time of year used to be a time where I could catch up.

Audra's school held a uniform consignment sale last Friday and Saturday. I had received an email about the sale and I planned to go on Saturday but Amy said she was going on Friday for Audra's brother's clothes. I asked if I could give her the money I had set back for Audra's clothes so that she could have first pick of the things in her size. I am beyond excited that she was able to purchase almost all of Audra's uniform needs with the $100. This included 5 jumpers, 2 pairs of shorts and 2 pairs of pants as well as several tops, and a sweater and a fleece and I think one more winter type item. The jumpers new were about $40 a pop so Amy and I were both practically jumping for joy at all that she was able to find!

Saturday morning I was up and starting my run at 5:30. I did the hardest parts of my route first, and the first set of hills were not that bad, they were not easy, but I did them. The second part of hills I made it until the very last one and then I had to walk it and then I really wanted to quit but I was only 5 miles in and I had 5 more miles to go. So I sucked it up and ran. I had the absolute worst rub on my right inside thigh. I sweat a lot, and the shorts, by the end, caused a huge raw spot. No more running in shorts for me for a while, even as hot as it is I'll wear capris or pants.

I got home and in the shower. Daron bought tickets to Carowinds and the plan was to leave our house at 9, but we ended up leaving at 10 since it takes D and Audra a while to get up and get moving. I had the challenge of figuring out what to wear on my legs that would not hurt me. We made a very last minute decision after getting off the exit to the park to stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch. It worked out perfectly because we didn't have to buy food in the park which is crazy expensive.

We parked as close to the water park as possible and left our pool stuff in the car. The wait time for the kid rides was about 30 minutes a ride. We were lucky that it was overcast up until the last ride so the heat didn't get to us until the last wait. After Audra rode her first "real" roller coaster we headed back to the car to pick up our pool stuff.

We made our way to the water park area. The dressing room was crazy hot, and by the time I got Audra and myself dressed I was sweating profusely. I don't think they have updated the dressing rooms since they first put the water park in 25ish years ago. It looked exactly the same as what I remember.

We found a little tucked away shallow pool that was just perfect for Audra and spent the next hour or 2 letting her float around to her hearts content. She said she was hungry and that's when we packed it up and headed out.

We asked Audra what she wanted for dinner and she responded a happy meal. Now this part of the story I really love. I have to back up a little so it makes sense. The Sunday before we had gone to Hardees for lunch the food is usually good but the service has always been consistently terrible. There was an error, after a long wait, for D's food and he used his loud ugly voice to the manager and employee involved in the error. As he is being ugly I'm sitting in the booth with Audra quietly explaining that this is not how we treat people, that this is not ok, that we don't talk to people that way, that sometimes grownups are wrong, just trying to make sure that she understood that it is completely unacceptable to talk to people like that.

When D came back to the table Audra told him he needed to apologize for being ugly, and he actually did apologize for being rude.

So Saturday evening we are pulling in to McDonalds and Audra pipes up from the back Daddy you have to be nice, don't forget you have to be nice. If you are mean you will have to apologize. I'm just sitting back there keeping my mouth shut, but she was absolutely right and I appreciated her reminding him that he needs to be nice.

Fortunately they got our order correct and we were through the drive thru and headed home without having to apologize for being rude, or without D having to apologize for being rude.

Sunday morning I had 11 nursery and I love nursery, but it is absolutely exhausting!!!! Amy took Audra home from church with her so D and I were able to go back to the place where we had our anniversary dinner and I got my sushi fix. Then I went home and took a nap!

I have to admit that I totally was waiting on pins and needles for the royal baby announcement. One of my FB friends wrote that she totally loves a fairy tale where the princess gets her happily ever after and I wholeheartedly agreed. I was thrilled yesterday when the announcement came through that it's a boy!

Last night I took an abs class at the gym then I drove home and picked up Jack and took him for a walk. I made him behave, he wanted to ferociously bark at every dog and person who passed us and I would not let him.

I have to get back to work, Happy Tuesday!!!

Mid week catch up

Friday afternoon I picked Audra up from her Mom's. Friday night was a low key evening at home. Fortunately it was a fun evening and we didn't have to deal with the attitude that has been a part of our weekends lately.

Saturday morning I was up and at the gym. Saturday afternoon we took Audra and her friend to see the movie Epic. Both the girls enjoyed it! After the movie we took the girls to the park and then I took them to church. Audra went home with her Mom after church.

I have started slowly adding more miles to my runs. 2 weeks ago I ran 4.5. Sunday I ran 5. My left side hip has not been the same and I'm stretching like crazy. This is the same injury that has plagued me and I'm frustrated.

Sunday morning I tackled our laundry room and got it organized. Monday I went to the gym, and then I worked on organizing our pantry. I took a car load full of stuff to Goodwill. Then I went back and finished organizing the pantry.

This morning I was reading CNN and one of the headlines from other sources was about the th1gh gap. I remember in 8th grade learning what this was. Apparently since then it's become even more important.

I read this, and g00gle searched it on my own. In all honesty this isn't something I really think will ever be an issue for my stepdaughter. She's tall and thin like her mom. I think she's always naturally going to be on the slender side. I don't like thinking about what kind of social pressures she will face as she grows older. Truly there is no point in worrying about it now. I'll figure it out when we get there.

Last week I found a community pool that is fairly close to us, and stays open longer than the pool where we went last summer.  I'm looking forward to spending time there both on my own and with Audra. Knowing I won't have to have cash on me to go is an added bonus!

A few weeks ago I started fasting and praying over a long list of prayer needs. I've been reading about fasting and prayer and I decided that it was time for me to implement this into my week. I felt that one day a week needs to be devoted to fasting and prayer. The list is long, and for as long as I feel that I'm supposed to this will be a part of my week. I am learning as I go, and trying to be faithful with it. Interestingly enough this past week at church the pastor challenged us to step up our prayer life.

One of my listed prayer needs was a tenant for the condo. This Friday my new tenant moves in. I am OH SO THANKFUL.

I'm glad that this is a short week. After last weeks craziness I need this one to be a little easier!

Happy Wednesday!!!