2014

2014 was the year that came in on the heels of a catalyst for a big decision.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that things could not continue the way that they had been going.

2014 started and I was asleep, I went to bed at 9pm on NYE because I was safer asleep where there would be no chance for an alcoholic spiral if I was not in the room.

I enjoyed pork and black eyed peas and collard greens with my family. Daron had a stomach bug or something. I didn't mind that he was not there it was always easier on my family if it was just me. That was the night I told my Mom I was praying about leaving and thinking about talking to a lawyer.

I wrote about how my Mom didn't want to hear anything positive about Daron in a post that I wrote in Spring 2012. Looking back I realize that it's easier to see the lack of change in someone when you are not married to them and trying to make the marriage work.

Audra's 5th birthday party was a huge success. I started planning in October and when the party arrived she was such a great hostess. She included all her friends and made everyone feel so special. All the details that went into making that happen were worth it. The feeling of finality when I closed the doors to the party room was undeniable. I could now leave and this was my final memory with the girl as her stepmom.

I met with the lawyer and talked to her about my marriage and why I felt it necessary to leave. We put together a separation agreement.

February 4, 2014 I left for good. I had left, said I was leaving, returned, and repeated a pattern believing that he would follow through on the promises to do better. It was never about whether or not he loved me. He did the best he could with what he had and when he was not drinking we made a good team. The reality of our life together was that he drank more often than he wasn't and when he drank he had a tendency to be verbally abusive to the point where I would leave because I feared for my physical safety.

The week after I left I met with my friend Lisa for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Then the next day the snow came. My office closed early and was closed the following day. I stayed with my college roommate and her daughter and we had a blast!

I was supposed to drive to High Point that Friday but I postponed the trip to Saturday.

February 27 I had a meeting with the ladies pastor and counselor at the Concord church and I reluctantly agreed to a joint counseling session.

The joint counseling session was after I provided the pastor and counselor with all the information regarding the past years of my marriage. When Daron was asked to explain his side he didn't have any answers just kept talking about how he was changed and that he had been hard to live with.

We left that meeting with the agreement that I would have another one on one session with the counselor and then a joint meeting with him to establish parameters. He didn't listen to the L would set the parameters part and went home and sent me an email suggesting to me what the parameters should be.

I forwarded his suggestions to the pastor and counselor.

Reluctantly I kept my meeting to establish parameters.

2 weeks later he and I had our joint session to discuss those parameters.

When he wasn't trying to tell me how he had changed and that everything was different he was arguing with the counselor about the parameters. Instead of listening and being willing to do whatever it would take he was trying to make us see that he was "right" and we were "wrong".

He reluctantly agreed to the parameters, 90 AA meetings in 90 days and one text message of love or commitment to me a day.

He completed the 90/90. The one text message of love or commitment, that part, he didn't seem to grasp.

 I got messages that may have seemed loving to him but truthfully they were not "loving" at all. Then he started "saving up" his messages trying to make them more dramatic. The final straw for me came the day that he told me he was working on his resentment towards me and it was holding him back on his step-work.

I told him that we were done and I was ending the process of joint counseling.

Shortly after that I met the woman who he was talking to at church.

He got called to the carpet on that relationship when he went in for pastoral counseling.

Meanwhile I'll back up since I just jumped through February and March and they were mostly about him.

March was a full month. I ran the shamrock 4miler race with Lisa and Nicole. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to visit and we had a wonderful time! My friend Margs officially moved back from Canada with her family and I was so thrilled to welcome them home! Mom and I went to Beaufort, SC to celebrate her 60th birthday with my Aunt.  

In April I ran a 10K through the Southpark area and the CPCC skyline race which is one of my favorites to run! I celebrated Easter with my family and helped Tiffany's little girl celebrate her 7th birthday at a fabulous Frozen themed birthday party.

May I ran a 10K in High Point and visited Dr. Margaret in Durham. She and I attended a Derby party where she won the prize for best hat. I took and passed my CIC Life and Health class leaving me one more test to pass before I obtain my CIC designation. I said goodbye to Lisa on Cinco de Mayo. May was also the month when D sent me the message about working on his resentment towards me and I ended the process of joint counseling.

June started with a 5K and lunch with CF&G's family. Just because he and I broke up doesn't mean I gave up his family. We celebrated my Dad's birthday with a party and then Father's Day with my brother, SIL and nephew. Mom and Dad flew out to TX and I was left with the house to myself.

I had the odd experience of meeting a woman that D had been talking to when I went to an Awakened night. She took it upon herself to tell D anything and everything that I said in response to her questions. I ran the King Tiger 5K and D showed up on the course and completely threw me off my breathing and what started as a strong race finished as not memorable other than D showing up. That night I went to the Faith Family and Freedom concert with Tiffany and her daughter.

I blocked that woman from my FB and let the pastor and counselor at the Concord church know what had happened. I thought I was going to have to back off from even attending women's events at the church. Fortunately it was also in June that Patrice and her family moved to NC from FL and suddenly all of my closest girlfriends were back within driving distance of me.

Patrice attended the women's events with me and she and her husband started attending the Concord church. June ended with a trip to GA to visit my friend Vada at her new townhouse.

July brought the 4th and celebrating with my Mom and my Aunt down at the lake house. I ran a 5K the 19th and then went down to the lake house to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came for another visit. The following weekend I ran another 5K and it was hot and humid! July was the month I found out that D decided to leave the Concord church and I was going to be able to return.

August 9 I ran a race and I thought it was a PR but it turned out the course was a little short so it just ended up being a good run. I celebrated my birthday with good friends and enjoyed having a few days off from work. The month ended and September started with a trip to GA to visit my friend Susan and her family.

September was the month of the women's conference at the Concord church. I am so thankful I was able to attend it was such a powerful time of worship and spending time listening to what God had to say. I had the Hit the Brixx 10K which was miserable and I did horribly! I also ran the Lung Strong 5K. I drove up to Monroeville, PA to visit Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda and my Godsister and her family. It was a really great weekend and I loved having the one on one time with all of them.

October I ran a 5miler with my friend Nicole, I did much better time wise for that race than the previous months 10K. I challenged myself to a 21 day fitness challenge and I actually succeeded in working out and fitting in to my costume for the costume party. I was supposed to run a 5K but I decided to forgo that race since Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to town the weekend I was supposed to run it. I went to Boone with my brother, SIL and nephew. We went to Macadoos for lunch and my nephew found out about the amazing Macadoos cinnamon rolls!

The following weekend I flew to Minneapolis, MN to visit my friend Lisa. She was such an amazing hostess! We went to the waterfalls, we walked around, we ate a delicious lunch, we relaxed! We went for a gorgeous run, ate at a fabulous diner/dive Cuban place, went to Mass, went to dinner at another fabulous little hole in the wall. She took me to my first yoga class ever and then I got to meet her running club and I ate the best pizza I've ever had! I totally ate 4 slices of pizza that night, yet the costume still fit!

I found out that weekend about D's girlfriend and I'm thankful that when I found out I had the time I needed to process it before having to go back to work. I remember being on the plane and I realized I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't expect that confirmation of a girlfriend to hurt me as much as it did.

Then D tried to tell me that he still loved me and I just needed to give him a chance. So in true fashion I was just as mad at him all over again as I was hurt. I learned an important lesson, one that should have been common sense and maybe I knew this all along but this has reinforced it. When someone has a girlfriend it makes any claims of love for you null and void.

November I drove down to SC to help Marg's oldest celebrate his birthday. That night went to the costume party at my friend Christi's house. I had a really good time and it was fun to not have to worry about staying too long or not being able to go out at all. I did switch my plan for my costume and even though the one I planned to wear fit, I went with a different look.

 I created a memory with Tiffany and her daughter and Amy and Audra. I drove up Friday to spend the night with my brother , SIL and nephew and then Saturday I went to lunch with them. After lunch I headed over to the hotel to check in and wait for the girls. We went to the Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Mandisa concert and it was amazing! We had such a good time!

The next weekend I went to a crafts fair with my mom that was huge! The weekend before Thanksgiving I drove up to VA and spent time with my friend Jess and her family. She took me into DC and we visited the DAR museum and period rooms and met my cousin Cameron for dinner. The next day we went back into DC and visited the botanical gardens.

Thanksgiving I PR'd my 10K, totally unexpected! I enjoyed the day with my family! I enjoyed that weekend of being able to relax and not "having" to do anything although I got a lot done! I did keep nursery that Saturday after Thanksgiving and unfortunately one of the little girls shared her germs. The week after Thanksgiving I was miserable!

I went for a run on Monday and that was my last workout until Saturday. I missed another race but I did go to the gym and I ran a treadmill 5K. I worked out on Sunday too, trying to get my groove back. I realized after my 21 day fitness challenge that I liked how I felt and I wanted to continue feeling good about myself.

I drove down to SC to give Margaret's boys their Christmas presents and we went to lunch. Then the next day I went over to Patrice's house and did a cookie back with Liam. I was also successful in my first attempt at my Mom's cinnamon rolls. I took my first batch to the Concord church for the staff.

I celebrated Christmas with my small group on December 16. I attended the Awakened Christmas event Shine on December 18. I helped my Mom get the house ready for Christmas on the 20th. I worked on the Monday before Christmas and then I had Tuesday through Thursday off.

I dropped off cinnamon rolls to Amy and the kids and her parents. I visited for a few moments and talked about the fact that it's truly over with D. I talked about how I resent being made the other woman when he's still married to me.

I left their house and went to Patrice's house. I made one last delivery to my friend Nicole and then headed home.

My brother and SIL came to town in time for dinner with my nephew. We enjoyed dinner and then I had to finish wrapping presents.

Christmas Eve was low key. The house was ready; most of the food was already prepped. I went to the gym for a workout. My mom's siblings and families were all there on Christmas Eve night and we opened presents. It was so nice spending time with my family and enjoying everyone!

Christmas morning we opened the presents from each other. I received lots of bath and body works which I am excited about! I loved being able to watch my nephew open his presents! After opening presents and breakfast I drove to the greenway for a run. I'm training for a March half marathon.

Daron texted me a merry Christmas, my response was that if he contacts me again I will send Jaime every message he has sent me since October including the why it's over email. Then I checked Jaime's FB page and he left a comment on her picture of her and her daughter that it was a lovely family picture but that someone seemed to be missing. I took a screen shot. Then I sent that screen shot to him and said that the comment he left on Jaime's picture is lovely. I'm happy that he's moved on and that very seriously if he contacts me further I will send her everything.

I don't know if he is just that stupid, to think I can't see that kind of stuff or what but I definitely had some very angry emotions. Not because I care that he has a girlfriend, I really don't. I think I'm furious because he was the one vomiting all over FB about how he had been wronged and how I had left and how he was so broken and how he is so changed. I knew when I left he would have a girlfriend and likely be engaged before our divorce was final. So dealing with the shock of how much it hurt when I found out about the girlfriend was surprising.

I despise him! When I left I was so relieved. Then he wanted to show me he had changed, and maybe a part of me believed that he had but I needed to see the proof. Then he started dating again. I gave him no reason not to move on. I understand this very clearly. I could have dealt with the moving on, what has made me absolutely furious is that he has repeatedly reached out with text messages of love and second chances while clearly making promises to his girlfriend of a future together. I'm not sure if I'm also maybe angry at myself for ever marrying him. I realize that I would not be where I am now if not for these past few years, and I appreciate very much where I am now. I just resent the fact that for me to get here I married such a POS.

This year is coming to a close and in just a few short weeks I will file for divorce and the chapter of my failed marriage will be closed. As 2014 is ending I am thankful. This year was one of hard decisions that had me evaluating everything that I believed. “I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears” Psalm 34:4.

I’m thankful for the love and support of my family and friends as I navigated this year and the heart break and hurt. “The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.” Proverbs 10:8 “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15 “The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure” Proverbs 14:16

I prayed for wisdom and discernment and every step of the way God met me and I heard what I needed to hear and I was able to see what I needed to see. “Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.” Proverbs 14:33 “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” Proverbs 15:14 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Proverbs 2:6 “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse” Proverbs 2:12 “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding” Proverbs 3:13 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

My life is taking a turn in a direction that I never intended I’m thankful that I know who holds my future. “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you Lord, are good.” Psalm 25:7 “In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

God is good and He is always faithful! “for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.” Psalm 26:3 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13

Not mine to fight

This week I struggled with the intense desire to verbally vomit all over social media. I was so very angry on Wednesday. How dare he! How dare you declare love while you have a girlfriend. How dare you try to convince me that I should give another chance when you have moved on. Most of all, how dare you make me the other woman when I am still married to you.

I took a screen shot of the status where he talked about going to the Christmas concert in Raleigh. I desperately wanted to post a picture of that alongside the most recent texts about how much he 'loves" me.

Fortunately I'm not that technically savvy at this point to know how to do a side by side picture like that. Fortunately I texted Patrice instead. Fortunately I went and worked out really hard at shake and tone and did my best to shake those white trash urges right on away.

I met Patrice last night for dinner and then we went to the women's Christmas event at the Concord church. On my way up to her house it was seriously as though every song on the radio was playing just for me. Then during worship the Lord was really speaking to my heart.

Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to Him are radiant their faces are never covered in shame." 

Exodus 14;14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

He spoke to me about letting go, that this is not my battle to fight. There are a handful of women who I am friends with at the Concord church who are also friends of his on FB. I desperately wanted to speak strategically last night and make sure that they KNEW just what was going on. The Lord made me realize that it's not my job to inform everyone of what has happened. He doesn't want me talking about it.

Sure I could have made sure that I said something. I could have posted on FB vaguely yet pointedly, you know something like, I don't appreciate being made the other woman in someone else's relationship when I am still married to the person with the girlfriend, or something like that.

I write on here with the knowledge that this space is not easy to find. Sure I have people reading who I've never met but I don't link this account to any of my social media accounts. I have the blessed freedom to write in order to process. The really intense stuff I write privately.

I realized that part of my motivation in wanting to share is that I want to further validate my choice. I realize that at church, because I've said so little, it leaves me feeling like I need to justify. That question several weeks ago now about how D is doing. That made me defensive. I felt like I was left looking like I'm the one who was wrong. Realistically I know that this isn't the case but this divorce is not something I planned for myself. I'm thankful for where God has brought me, I'm thankful for what He has taught me, and I want to make sure that in everything I honor Him. So I have to listen to Him when He tells me that it's not my place to make sure that I let people know that even though D has a girlfriend he's still trying to convince me of his "true love".

I have to give this to God and let Him have it. I have 6 more weeks until I file for divorce. I went through counseling, I did everything that was required of me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right where God wants me to be.

Deuteronomy 1:30 "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes"

New things

Today I've been thinking about what love is and what it's not.

Love is unconditional when it comes to the love I have for Jack Banner. Sure I get frustrated with him but he's my furbaby and I love him period end of story.

Parents generally love their kids. Yes there are challenges. Kids have personalities and thoughts and feelings and they have to grow and learn and become their own people and that can be difficult. Parents usually love their children to the best of their ability and do their best to not screw up these fantastic little people that they have created. It's said that children are your heart walking around outside your body and I can understand that to a point. I still feel like Audra is part mine and I would do anything for her.

I've been "in love". I loved D. I did the best I could with what I had and I fought so hard for my marriage. On the days when it seemed impossible I prayed that God would give me the love I needed and He did. God was always so faithful to give me exactly what I needed.

I wrote about how D had sent me a message on Monday trying to convince me that he "truly loves me". I had blocked him on FB and I went back today and checked his page after several weeks. He went to a Christmas concert with his girlfriend.

I am not saying that I would have considered going back to him in October. However, when I found out about the girlfriend and he was hoping for a glimmer of encouragement that would have been the time to cut all ties with the girlfriend.

When you "truly love" someone it means that you don't have a girlfriend.

It's taken me a really long time to understand this.

When it comes to love I've watched my grandparents. My Grandaddy was difficult, really difficult and my Grandmommy loved him. They were very much a team.

My parents make a team. It's not easy, they don't always agree, but they are a team. They love each other.

I've observed my friends who have good marriages. They don't have sunshine and rainbows all the time. There are stresses, complications, money worries, aggravations, and yet at the end of the day the friends who have good marriages have good marriages because they work together with their spouses and they are a team.

I have a few friends who don't have good marriages and my heart hurts for them. They struggle. There is very little teamwork. They constantly feel alone and at odds with the person that they chose to marry.

I've heard said that marriage is two imperfect people who are very good at forgiving each other. I think had I not married D and I had married a person who was a good guy I probably would not have appreciated him. I would have complained and vented and generally been my selfish self absorbed previous self about things.

I look back on stories and my life pre-marriage and a lot of times I just cringe.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NIV)

This scripture is used so often in weddings and it's beautiful. It's also so very true. When you really apply this to a marriage you have a winning formula.

When we were in pre-marriage counseling I asked the pastor who was marrying us what advice he would give us. He said to not be selfish. 

I googled images of true love. One of the true love sayings I did not agree with. It talked about giving up your happiness for someone elses. In theory this sounds romantic. In reality you better be really sure that you are able to give up your hopes and dreams for someone else.

I have friends who have made sacrifices in their marriages and they don't regret the sacrifices and they don't look back and think I wish I would have done xyz differently.

I can understand that sacrifices have to be made. I understand that you can't always be happy. I don't think that marriage is all about sunshine and rainbows. I never did. What I failed to factor in when I was in my desperate rush to get married were the obvious flags that this person might not be exactly whom they want you to think they are.

Today I have really struggled with containing the white trash woman on the inside who wants to post screen shots of texts and say nasty things. I contemplated sending a message to the girlfriend with all the messages I've received since October. I'm not mad that he's moved on, that actually makes me happy and relieved. I always get really furious about this kind of behavior because there is another woman involved who doesn't know me. She doesn't know that this jerk is being all charming and wonderful and he's trying to convince me that I'm the one he really wants. I won't send the messages because I believe it would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I was talking to Patrice about it and she said that as hard as all this is it's helpful to me in order for me to never ever ever question the decisions that I've made. It's hard to take the high road right now when there is a huge part of me that wants to just verbally vomit all over social media and make sure that everyone knows exactly who he is. Except if I do that, then I went to his level. I have been very careful what I share and I will continue to be very careful what I put out there for the world to see.

I want to continue moving forward and growing. I want to be the woman God is calling me to be. 

Sing to God a brand-new song. He’s made a world of wonders! He rolled up his sleeves, He set things right. Psalm 98:1(MSG)

Discernment

I posted on FB I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who is faithful and who loves us. I said that I am thankful that He has given me the wisdom and discernment I have prayed for so fervently this year.

TRANSLATION

D sent me pics of Christmas decorations on Sunday and I did not respond. Monday he sent a message saying I know you think I've moved on but I truly love you. I replied that I have not given him reason not to move on and I am happy for him.

He responded back with some plea about just giving him a chance.

I've been composing emails that I have not been sending and I put a few of those emails into a cohesive thought and sent an email explaining to him why it's over.

He might be trying to compose an email response. However, it would be in his best interest not to reply.

Today something told me go check his FB. So glad I did. I had him blocked so I would not see his information so I unblocked him. He went to a Christmas show on 12/6 with the girlfriend.

I sent him a text message. I said do not contact me further. I told him not to reply to my email, not to text me again. I said I will be filing for divorce in February and if he needs to communicate with me to contact my lawyer.

I don't care that he's moved on I care that he's trying to convince me of "love" with a girlfriend. I needed to be reminded that he's a liar and a manipulator.

I just put in my PTO request for 2/5/15, the day that I file and will finally be done! 6 weeks!

5 minutes on Friday

This week has been full, as usual. Monday night I met up with Patrice and another friend of ours that we grew up with. It's a unique experience to sit at a table and talk to women who you have known since church nursery. Elizabeth and I share the same birthday. To talk about life, what has happened, where we are, how good God is, it's a blessing!

Tuesday night I got to the gym for a 4 mile run. I went to small group. We are reading Bad Girls of the Bible and the reading for this chapter was about the Samaritan woman at the well who meets Jesus. I read this story in this book, in another book, and in John 4 last week. I wondered what God was trying to tell me.

We discussed the story Tuesday night and how Jesus met the woman where she was and accepted her right where she was. I was driving home and processing. The truth is when I got married God met me right where I was. I had been trying to make things happen and force my way for many years. When I was getting married it was the first time where I put myself in a place where He could meet me.

I don't think that He would have chosen for me to have to go through the crazy insanity of the downside to living with an active alcoholic who was not in recovery. I do think that He was there with me every step of the way. He was guiding and directing me, giving me everything that I needed. 

Monday night we talked about how the times we really grow with God are through our struggles. When things are going well we don't feel like we "need" Him quite so much. Up until I got married I felt like I was doing fine for the most part. I had a condo, a good job, some money struggles but nothing too overwhelming usually. The choice I made to get married allowed Him to meet me right where I was. He brought me to the place where I am now.

This year instead of trying to find my next husband. Instead of trying to force my own solutions I have recognized my need for Him even more now than ever before. I have and continue to consciously seek Him and whatever His plan is for my life. 

Wednesday night I was supposed to go to Sassy Girl for shake and tone but I was exhausted and I'm still fighting off the last bit of the cold. So I stayed home and did laundry and rested.

Last night I had a party to go to that one of my agents that I work with holds every year. These kinds of parties intimidate me, it's really hard to go and talk to people but once I get started I'm OK. It was held at The Palm, which is really nice and the food is amazing! I really enjoyed the amazing shrimp cocktail, I could have eaten the platter!

After I left the party I made it to the gym for a 3 mile run. 

Tonight I have my Al-Anon meeting. Tomorrow I am headed down to SC to see Margs and the boys and take the boys their Christmas presents. My mom is going to teach me how to make cinnamon rolls. Every year she makes batches and batches and this year I want to make a few batches to share as well. 

I was able to leave work at 3 today since I went to the party last night so I took the extra time to run over and pick up my brother's Christmas presents and I found his birthday present too. His birthday is December 31 so it will sneak up on me if I let it.

Sunday is a cookie bake with Patrice and her family. It's going to be interesting since I'm still fasting sweets until April 8, 2015. I'll be baking this Christmas and not eating any of the treats. People seem to think that this gets easier, yeah, NO it doesn't! It's kind of odd to me how my body still after all these months craves various sweet things.

 Hopefully tomorrow morning I fit a run in before the rest of the day starts! Happy weekend!!!

Peace in the process

During lunch yesterday I was thinking about Audra. Patrice is currently experiencing challenges associated with a strong willed toddler. I was thinking back to when Audra was that age.

She had just turned 2 when I met her. She was still very much a baby and yet she seemed so much older to me. I know that I was cognizant that she was only 2 but I guess the gift of hind sight lets me see how little she was.

I went back and read about her 3rd birthday. I didn't write about what happened the night before. How out of control D was. How frustrated and upset I was with him. Working 2 jobs, plus dealing with D and having Audra every weekend I think perhaps this is why I was so overwhelmed with life!

I read a letter a mom wrote to her daughter's stepmom via FB. The letter was awesome. I fully and completely recognize how very fortunate I was and am that Amy was so good to me when I became a part of their lives.

I have always maintained that Amy and Audra were the easy part. I think as women when we take on the role of mom we all have our own ways of doing things. When you love a child and they hold your heart it's really hard to share that role and yet I was not ever, nor did I try to be mom. Yet I had to keep myself in check because sometimes I didn't always agree and that didn't mean that I had a right to criticize or necessarily share those opinions. I can look back and say I am thankful for how we worked together. I love Amy like a sister and I'm thankful that I had the chance to be Audra's step-mom.

I knew when I left that the hard part for me would be Audra. Fighting for a marriage that was so unhealthy and trying to make it work I know affected how I sometimes handled things with Audra and looking back that hurts me. I'm human, I can't change the past, and I have to acknowledge it and let it go. Audra knows how much I love her and I will do my best to continue to be a part of her life although in a much more removed way.

I'm thankful that I did write about life and that I can look back and remember. I can read between my lines and remember exactly what was going on. I did my best to keep my writing positive and to remember the fun weekends and things that we did. I can look back and see the memories that were created for Audra. I can also remember that I did everything I could to make my marriage work and ultimately when I finally made the decision to walk away I made the right decision.

I've questioned that choice to leave. I've wondered if I made the right decision. Yesterday in reading back over entries from early 2012 I have no doubts that I made the right choice. I've realized that for all the talk of change and everything being different by all of his actions Daron has only shown me the lack of true change and I can look back and read and understand that had I made the choice to go back the pattern would just continue to repeat.

Life lately

Last Monday I went to the gym and I ran 4 miles, and that was the last time I worked out last week. I hate being sick! I think I'm finally starting to improve but it has been unpleasant. I didn't miss any days of work, although my coworkers might have wished that I would have stayed away.

Friday night I was supposed to go to a fun event at Sassy Girl in Concord. I had the presents for my little girl that I adopted for Christmas and I took those up to get them to the lady who was taking them up but then I left. I just did not feel social.

Saturday morning I missed a 5K because instead of pushing myself out of bed I stayed in it and slept in. It was rainy and damp and I felt like it was in my best interest to rest. I did make it to the gym and I did run 3 miles on Saturday.

Saturday afternoon I went to my friend Paula's little boys first birthday party. Instead of presents she chose to request that everyone donate to a backpack ministry that provides food for kids over the weekends so that when they come to school on Monday they have had food to eat. If I ever have children in my life again I would really love to do something like this.

Sunday morning I went to church and met my friend Karen for lunch. I went home, took a nap, and then cleaned bathrooms. I even made it to the gym again!

Monday night I met up with Patrice and another friend of ours that we grew up with. It was so cool having the opportunity to sit and talk to each other and with our history together it was a very special time.

Last night I made it to the gym before meeting Tiffany for dinner and then we went to small group.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a class up at Sassy Girl and I honestly just didn't feel up to it. I know that I need to exercise and I'm trying to be consistent but tonight I felt like it was in my best interest to rest, and do a load of laundry.

I am trying to wrap up Christmas. It's come together pretty quickly. I have my brother's presents left, the gift for Patrice, and then the present for Tiffany's little girl. Everything else is completed. It felt like it snuck up on me this year but thanks to the fabulousness of Amazon I've been able to really get back ahead quickly!

4 Things

I'm totally stealing this from Lisa's 4 Things Thursday because it was so much fun and I wanted to participate, even if it is Saturday!

Four names that people call me other than my real name:
1.  Sissy (mostly my Mom)
2.  Loni (my old co-workers at the agency this originated from a mis-spelling)
3.  Maria (when agents don't pay attention when I say my name on the phone this is what they hear, not sure how)
4.  Laurie pronounced Laur-ree, I live in the South. My name is Lori, L-or-ee

Four jobs I’ve had:  
1.  Babysitting
2.  Waitress 
3.  Bridal Consultant
4.  Account Manager

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1.  Shag
2.  How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
3.  Steele Magnolias
4.  Sleepless in Seattle

These are just a few, I have a really long list of movies that I love!

Four books I’d recommend:
1.  Anything Norah Roberts
2.  Anything Karen Kingsbury
3.  I want God by Lisa Whittle
4.  Choosing to See by MaryBeth Chapman
I have a long list of books too, these are just a few.  

Four places I’ve lived:
1.  Charlotte, NC
2.  Boone, NC
3.  Concord, NC
4. 

I've travelled all over but I've actually only lived in 3 cities. 

Four places I’ve visited:
1. Atlanta area GA
2. Monroeville, PA
3. Minneapolis, MN
4. Northern VA/DC 

This is just the places since September. I have a list of places across the US but I've never been outside the US other than Canada.

Four things I prefer not to eat:
1. Liver 
2. Hamburgers (I will eat ground beef but I do not like to eat beef burgers, I do like ostrich, buffalo or deer)
3. Curry
4. Cranberry from a can

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi
2. Pizza
3. Mexican
4. Hibachi 

Four TV shows I watch
1. Big Bang Theory
2. Dancing with the Stars
3. News
4. Sex and the City (I used to but I don't have the DVD's anymore) 

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:
1.  Christmas
2.  Patrice is having a baby in March
3.  Visiting friends
4.  Changing my last name

Four things I’m always saying:
1. Not my circus not my monkeys
2. It's none of my business
3. Really?
4. "So"

Re-Capping

Thanksgiving was a week ago today. I've blinked and here I am! Or at least that is how it feels!

I still plan to recap my DC Sunday visit to the National Botanical gardens but I don't know how to upload all my pictures from my phone, I'm sure there is a way to do this but I don’t' know how, and I email each picture to myself and it takes forever!

I got home from DC on Monday and I only had to work Tuesday and Wednesday of last week. Which is awesome, and somewhat stressful considering this is the most insanely busy time of year in commercial insurance.

I was delighted that we were also released 2 hours early on Wednesday! I was able to go pick up my race packet for my Turkey Trot 10K. I went home and helped my mom by vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, and helping with the house before our big Thanksgiving meal. I was even able to get to Belks for a few pre-Thanksgiving deals on Wednesday night.

Thursday morning my friend Nicole and I met at the Lake Norman Turkey Trot 10K. She asked me before the race started if I felt a PR and I laughed at her. The only reason I was running was so that I could eat my Thanksgiving feast without guilt. The course was 2 loops, and it was fairly hilly and not an easy course. Imagine my shock when I checked my race results that night and I realized that I PR'd it with a 57:07 time.

I said goodbye to Nicole and her fiancé and drove home to vacuum again. Jack has a lot of hair for such a little dog!

Thanksgiving this year was my parents, my mom's sister and her husband, my Uncle's parents, and my family's friends the couple who helped me move back in February and their son. The food was awesome! I'm sure Jack Banner got more scraps then he was supposed to.

Friday I had the whole day all to myself. It was amazing! I went to turkey burn at Sassy Girl. It's an hour and a half of cardio and toning and I've gone since 2012, I love it! Then I had my meeting on Friday night. It's the first time I've done a program in a year and Friday night I gave the program on the topic of gratitude.

Saturday I was supposed to have met D's first wife but she had to reschedule with me. Instead I helped my mom put together the Christmas tree. Saturday afternoon was so beautiful I took Jack for a run. Saturday night I had nursery and I let the nursery coordinator know that after January I will be returning to the Concord church. She's sad to lose me but she understands.

Sunday I got to sit with Patrice and her husband at church and we went to lunch afterwards. I made it to the gym on Sunday afternoon. When I got home I decorated the Christmas tree. Having to wake up on Monday morning was a little rough after being able to sleep in for 3 days!