2014

2014 was the year that came in on the heels of a catalyst for a big decision.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that things could not continue the way that they had been going.

2014 started and I was asleep, I went to bed at 9pm on NYE because I was safer asleep where there would be no chance for an alcoholic spiral if I was not in the room.

I enjoyed pork and black eyed peas and collard greens with my family. Daron had a stomach bug or something. I didn't mind that he was not there it was always easier on my family if it was just me. That was the night I told my Mom I was praying about leaving and thinking about talking to a lawyer.

I wrote about how my Mom didn't want to hear anything positive about Daron in a post that I wrote in Spring 2012. Looking back I realize that it's easier to see the lack of change in someone when you are not married to them and trying to make the marriage work.

Audra's 5th birthday party was a huge success. I started planning in October and when the party arrived she was such a great hostess. She included all her friends and made everyone feel so special. All the details that went into making that happen were worth it. The feeling of finality when I closed the doors to the party room was undeniable. I could now leave and this was my final memory with the girl as her stepmom.

I met with the lawyer and talked to her about my marriage and why I felt it necessary to leave. We put together a separation agreement.

February 4, 2014 I left for good. I had left, said I was leaving, returned, and repeated a pattern believing that he would follow through on the promises to do better. It was never about whether or not he loved me. He did the best he could with what he had and when he was not drinking we made a good team. The reality of our life together was that he drank more often than he wasn't and when he drank he had a tendency to be verbally abusive to the point where I would leave because I feared for my physical safety.

The week after I left I met with my friend Lisa for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Then the next day the snow came. My office closed early and was closed the following day. I stayed with my college roommate and her daughter and we had a blast!

I was supposed to drive to High Point that Friday but I postponed the trip to Saturday.

February 27 I had a meeting with the ladies pastor and counselor at the Concord church and I reluctantly agreed to a joint counseling session.

The joint counseling session was after I provided the pastor and counselor with all the information regarding the past years of my marriage. When Daron was asked to explain his side he didn't have any answers just kept talking about how he was changed and that he had been hard to live with.

We left that meeting with the agreement that I would have another one on one session with the counselor and then a joint meeting with him to establish parameters. He didn't listen to the L would set the parameters part and went home and sent me an email suggesting to me what the parameters should be.

I forwarded his suggestions to the pastor and counselor.

Reluctantly I kept my meeting to establish parameters.

2 weeks later he and I had our joint session to discuss those parameters.

When he wasn't trying to tell me how he had changed and that everything was different he was arguing with the counselor about the parameters. Instead of listening and being willing to do whatever it would take he was trying to make us see that he was "right" and we were "wrong".

He reluctantly agreed to the parameters, 90 AA meetings in 90 days and one text message of love or commitment to me a day.

He completed the 90/90. The one text message of love or commitment, that part, he didn't seem to grasp.

 I got messages that may have seemed loving to him but truthfully they were not "loving" at all. Then he started "saving up" his messages trying to make them more dramatic. The final straw for me came the day that he told me he was working on his resentment towards me and it was holding him back on his step-work.

I told him that we were done and I was ending the process of joint counseling.

Shortly after that I met the woman who he was talking to at church.

He got called to the carpet on that relationship when he went in for pastoral counseling.

Meanwhile I'll back up since I just jumped through February and March and they were mostly about him.

March was a full month. I ran the shamrock 4miler race with Lisa and Nicole. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to visit and we had a wonderful time! My friend Margs officially moved back from Canada with her family and I was so thrilled to welcome them home! Mom and I went to Beaufort, SC to celebrate her 60th birthday with my Aunt.  

In April I ran a 10K through the Southpark area and the CPCC skyline race which is one of my favorites to run! I celebrated Easter with my family and helped Tiffany's little girl celebrate her 7th birthday at a fabulous Frozen themed birthday party.

May I ran a 10K in High Point and visited Dr. Margaret in Durham. She and I attended a Derby party where she won the prize for best hat. I took and passed my CIC Life and Health class leaving me one more test to pass before I obtain my CIC designation. I said goodbye to Lisa on Cinco de Mayo. May was also the month when D sent me the message about working on his resentment towards me and I ended the process of joint counseling.

June started with a 5K and lunch with CF&G's family. Just because he and I broke up doesn't mean I gave up his family. We celebrated my Dad's birthday with a party and then Father's Day with my brother, SIL and nephew. Mom and Dad flew out to TX and I was left with the house to myself.

I had the odd experience of meeting a woman that D had been talking to when I went to an Awakened night. She took it upon herself to tell D anything and everything that I said in response to her questions. I ran the King Tiger 5K and D showed up on the course and completely threw me off my breathing and what started as a strong race finished as not memorable other than D showing up. That night I went to the Faith Family and Freedom concert with Tiffany and her daughter.

I blocked that woman from my FB and let the pastor and counselor at the Concord church know what had happened. I thought I was going to have to back off from even attending women's events at the church. Fortunately it was also in June that Patrice and her family moved to NC from FL and suddenly all of my closest girlfriends were back within driving distance of me.

Patrice attended the women's events with me and she and her husband started attending the Concord church. June ended with a trip to GA to visit my friend Vada at her new townhouse.

July brought the 4th and celebrating with my Mom and my Aunt down at the lake house. I ran a 5K the 19th and then went down to the lake house to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came for another visit. The following weekend I ran another 5K and it was hot and humid! July was the month I found out that D decided to leave the Concord church and I was going to be able to return.

August 9 I ran a race and I thought it was a PR but it turned out the course was a little short so it just ended up being a good run. I celebrated my birthday with good friends and enjoyed having a few days off from work. The month ended and September started with a trip to GA to visit my friend Susan and her family.

September was the month of the women's conference at the Concord church. I am so thankful I was able to attend it was such a powerful time of worship and spending time listening to what God had to say. I had the Hit the Brixx 10K which was miserable and I did horribly! I also ran the Lung Strong 5K. I drove up to Monroeville, PA to visit Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda and my Godsister and her family. It was a really great weekend and I loved having the one on one time with all of them.

October I ran a 5miler with my friend Nicole, I did much better time wise for that race than the previous months 10K. I challenged myself to a 21 day fitness challenge and I actually succeeded in working out and fitting in to my costume for the costume party. I was supposed to run a 5K but I decided to forgo that race since Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to town the weekend I was supposed to run it. I went to Boone with my brother, SIL and nephew. We went to Macadoos for lunch and my nephew found out about the amazing Macadoos cinnamon rolls!

The following weekend I flew to Minneapolis, MN to visit my friend Lisa. She was such an amazing hostess! We went to the waterfalls, we walked around, we ate a delicious lunch, we relaxed! We went for a gorgeous run, ate at a fabulous diner/dive Cuban place, went to Mass, went to dinner at another fabulous little hole in the wall. She took me to my first yoga class ever and then I got to meet her running club and I ate the best pizza I've ever had! I totally ate 4 slices of pizza that night, yet the costume still fit!

I found out that weekend about D's girlfriend and I'm thankful that when I found out I had the time I needed to process it before having to go back to work. I remember being on the plane and I realized I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't expect that confirmation of a girlfriend to hurt me as much as it did.

Then D tried to tell me that he still loved me and I just needed to give him a chance. So in true fashion I was just as mad at him all over again as I was hurt. I learned an important lesson, one that should have been common sense and maybe I knew this all along but this has reinforced it. When someone has a girlfriend it makes any claims of love for you null and void.

November I drove down to SC to help Marg's oldest celebrate his birthday. That night went to the costume party at my friend Christi's house. I had a really good time and it was fun to not have to worry about staying too long or not being able to go out at all. I did switch my plan for my costume and even though the one I planned to wear fit, I went with a different look.

 I created a memory with Tiffany and her daughter and Amy and Audra. I drove up Friday to spend the night with my brother , SIL and nephew and then Saturday I went to lunch with them. After lunch I headed over to the hotel to check in and wait for the girls. We went to the Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Mandisa concert and it was amazing! We had such a good time!

The next weekend I went to a crafts fair with my mom that was huge! The weekend before Thanksgiving I drove up to VA and spent time with my friend Jess and her family. She took me into DC and we visited the DAR museum and period rooms and met my cousin Cameron for dinner. The next day we went back into DC and visited the botanical gardens.

Thanksgiving I PR'd my 10K, totally unexpected! I enjoyed the day with my family! I enjoyed that weekend of being able to relax and not "having" to do anything although I got a lot done! I did keep nursery that Saturday after Thanksgiving and unfortunately one of the little girls shared her germs. The week after Thanksgiving I was miserable!

I went for a run on Monday and that was my last workout until Saturday. I missed another race but I did go to the gym and I ran a treadmill 5K. I worked out on Sunday too, trying to get my groove back. I realized after my 21 day fitness challenge that I liked how I felt and I wanted to continue feeling good about myself.

I drove down to SC to give Margaret's boys their Christmas presents and we went to lunch. Then the next day I went over to Patrice's house and did a cookie back with Liam. I was also successful in my first attempt at my Mom's cinnamon rolls. I took my first batch to the Concord church for the staff.

I celebrated Christmas with my small group on December 16. I attended the Awakened Christmas event Shine on December 18. I helped my Mom get the house ready for Christmas on the 20th. I worked on the Monday before Christmas and then I had Tuesday through Thursday off.

I dropped off cinnamon rolls to Amy and the kids and her parents. I visited for a few moments and talked about the fact that it's truly over with D. I talked about how I resent being made the other woman when he's still married to me.

I left their house and went to Patrice's house. I made one last delivery to my friend Nicole and then headed home.

My brother and SIL came to town in time for dinner with my nephew. We enjoyed dinner and then I had to finish wrapping presents.

Christmas Eve was low key. The house was ready; most of the food was already prepped. I went to the gym for a workout. My mom's siblings and families were all there on Christmas Eve night and we opened presents. It was so nice spending time with my family and enjoying everyone!

Christmas morning we opened the presents from each other. I received lots of bath and body works which I am excited about! I loved being able to watch my nephew open his presents! After opening presents and breakfast I drove to the greenway for a run. I'm training for a March half marathon.

Daron texted me a merry Christmas, my response was that if he contacts me again I will send Jaime every message he has sent me since October including the why it's over email. Then I checked Jaime's FB page and he left a comment on her picture of her and her daughter that it was a lovely family picture but that someone seemed to be missing. I took a screen shot. Then I sent that screen shot to him and said that the comment he left on Jaime's picture is lovely. I'm happy that he's moved on and that very seriously if he contacts me further I will send her everything.

I don't know if he is just that stupid, to think I can't see that kind of stuff or what but I definitely had some very angry emotions. Not because I care that he has a girlfriend, I really don't. I think I'm furious because he was the one vomiting all over FB about how he had been wronged and how I had left and how he was so broken and how he is so changed. I knew when I left he would have a girlfriend and likely be engaged before our divorce was final. So dealing with the shock of how much it hurt when I found out about the girlfriend was surprising.

I despise him! When I left I was so relieved. Then he wanted to show me he had changed, and maybe a part of me believed that he had but I needed to see the proof. Then he started dating again. I gave him no reason not to move on. I understand this very clearly. I could have dealt with the moving on, what has made me absolutely furious is that he has repeatedly reached out with text messages of love and second chances while clearly making promises to his girlfriend of a future together. I'm not sure if I'm also maybe angry at myself for ever marrying him. I realize that I would not be where I am now if not for these past few years, and I appreciate very much where I am now. I just resent the fact that for me to get here I married such a POS.

This year is coming to a close and in just a few short weeks I will file for divorce and the chapter of my failed marriage will be closed. As 2014 is ending I am thankful. This year was one of hard decisions that had me evaluating everything that I believed. “I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears” Psalm 34:4.

I’m thankful for the love and support of my family and friends as I navigated this year and the heart break and hurt. “The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.” Proverbs 10:8 “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15 “The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure” Proverbs 14:16

I prayed for wisdom and discernment and every step of the way God met me and I heard what I needed to hear and I was able to see what I needed to see. “Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.” Proverbs 14:33 “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” Proverbs 15:14 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Proverbs 2:6 “Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse” Proverbs 2:12 “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding” Proverbs 3:13 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

My life is taking a turn in a direction that I never intended I’m thankful that I know who holds my future. “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths” Psalm 25:4 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you Lord, are good.” Psalm 25:7 “In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

God is good and He is always faithful! “for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.” Psalm 26:3 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13