Clothes Switch, Numbers, Life Lately

Monday once I was home with Jack I knew I needed to switch out my clothes from warm weather to cooler. I had checked the weather and knew by the end of this week it was going to be chilly. After I cleaned the bathrooms I went to the storage unit to pull out my clothes and shoes.

I found that my big wardrobe box that had coats in it had collapsed. I know cardboard doesn’t last forever. I had already thrown away the other big wardrobe box because it had collapsed. Last year I switched out cardboard boxes for sturdier storage containers because I could see it was necessary. I had to throw away 2 of my coats because they had mold. The rest of my clothing is kept in plastic storage bags in my cedar chest so it’s more protected from mold. There hasn’t been actual water in the unit just a lot of moisture due to the rain we’ve had here. I try not to open the door unless it’s completely dry outside in order to help prevent excess moisture from getting in.

I did the bi-annual clothing swap and at the same time went through and pulled things that I no longer want to keep. I shopped my closet back in the summer and gave away a big bag full of clothing so there was less this time to donate then when I swapped wardrobes this past spring.

Tuesday night I did a workout DVD called Breathless. It’s a Tabata style workout and it is definitely a challenge! Wednesday I had a routine doctor’s appointment and of course that means stepping on the scale. Over the years my weight has been a long running issue with me. From April 2014-April 2015 I cut out all sweets, I didn’t lose a pound. In October 2014 I did a 21 day workout challenge in order to try and fit into an outfit for a party. The outfit did fit, but it didn’t fit correctly so I ended up wearing something else. I didn’t lose any weight but the outfit fit, which doesn’t make all that much sense to me.

In May/June I did a 30 day no sweets fast because of some things on my prayer list. In July I agreed to a 90 day no sweets no white bread/carb challenge with Patrice because she wanted to lose the W weight for her September even in FL. Once again I didn’t lose a pound, she lost her baby weight. Our 90 day challenge ended during our visit to FL and that following Monday (9/28) I started a modified Daniel fast because I was praying for the women’s conference that just happened. I say modified because I still drank coffee, everything else I stuck to (no meat, dairy, leavening, or processed foods).

While I wasn’t expecting to lose weight during any of this I also didn’t expect to gain weight. My Daniel fast ended at 11:30 on Saturday and I did have a burger, fries and a dr. pepper from Wendy’s. I did have ice cream. I did enjoy good food at the wedding. I ran 4 miles on Sunday. Monday I was back on track. Imagine my horror and dismay when the scale at the doctor’s office told me I was up 8 pounds from the last time I remember stepping on the scale back in the summer. I am currently 23 pounds from my ideal weight.

I saw the number and the negative spiral was intense. It’s amazing how those 3 numbers can so quickly take me to a very dark place. I reached out to Patrice via text about the numbers, I asked why I bother to stay in recovery. I really can’t explain the intensity of these emotions as I drove back to the office and worked to pull it together. Of course I started praying.

The 2^nd breakout session last Thursday was about our identity in Christ. I really thought once I got to the year point in my personal recovery that I would no longer struggle quite so much regarding food. I still have days when I struggle. As I was praying words and verses from the session were coming back to me. Particularly Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” The thoughts that I was dealing with after seeing the scale were dark and hateful. I was being reminded that I have been made in the image of God and those numbers are not who I am. 

When people look at me they don’t see those numbers. When I was helping set up the venue for Alley’s wedding her husband’s mom came over to me and said that whenever she started to feel overwhelmed and like it wasn’t all going to get done she would look at me and I would be smiling and she would breathe and know that it was going to be ok. That has stayed with me. I knew everything would come together. I had prayed the entire drive to the venue because it was raining, the rain cleared as we began setting up and the sky was stunning! I prayed as we were setting everything up. I prayed through the ceremony. I spiraled for a moment, I have struggled and I am still struggling with frustration over my weight. I realize that at the end of the day there is a much bigger picture and I refuse to allow the enemy a foothold when it comes to the freedom from bulimia.

After my appointment I had a work appointment in Kernersville. I opted to take my car because it made more sense navigationally. Driving that familiar route brought back all kinds of memories but fortunately I didn’t cry this time, which is a first. When I got off on my exit directly in front of me was the restaurant where Josh and I had breakfast New Year’s morning 2008. We had gone to a house party at friends of his and we were on our way back to his house. Until this past NYE that had been my favorite NYE.

The meeting went well. I decided to stop for coffee before driving back. The Starbucks was right beside a place where Josh and I had hung out with friends of his the night before we went to an App football game. I smiled, and remembered. The sting is gone. I know he’s happy. I know he and his wife are good together. I know that the details have all worked out the way they were meant to. I am thankful.

I got home around 6:15 and decompressed and then I did go to the gym. I thought about doing 4 miles but I was tired, I need new running shoes, and quite honestly I just didn’t feel like it. I stopped after 2 miles.

Yesterday during lunch I went to Target and purchased lunches and breakfast. I opted for organic/non gmo frozen entrees. During the Daniel Fast I tried a few and I appreciated that they had good flavors. They are minimally more expensive then the weight watcher and healthy choice options and content wise they seem to be a better choice. Last night I had to pick up my packet for my race on Saturday. Then I went for a walk and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. It’s been a short week work wise but crazy busy! I think I’m definitely finding the groove!

for the grace

I find it interesting how often it hits me that I am so thankful! Every time I sign my last name, I’m thankful! Every time I travel to see a girlfriend, I’m thankful! Every time I see something on FB that reminds me of my really awful marriage, I’m thankful!

I know that during my marriage there were times that were not awful. I know that I made the best of a situation that was a challenge. I know that I can look back and say that the pattern repeated, and repeated, and by the time I left I had all the evidence that I needed that the pattern was only going to continue. Do I believe in miracles, absolutely! I believe that God does amazing things! I believe that if my ex would submit and fully surrender and get out of God’s way the outcome would be truly beyond anything I could imagine. The truth is that I still pray for that outcome for his daughter. I want her to have a Dad who is a much better man then her current Dad.

The subject of my marriage still comes up fairly often because it’s all been so recent. I can easily forget that it’s only been 5.5 months since the divorce finalized. When I drove up to VA to visit Jess I thought about what was going on November 2014 the last time I had driven up to visit. I had found out in October 2014 that D was seriously dating someone. I had known all along that it would happen but the reality of it and the pain of it I did not expect. Then because he lied to me, repeatedly, and he was lying to the woman he was with it created this whole other dimension of feelings and emotions. Namely absolute and utter disgust. How could have I ever, how did I not see, did he cheat on me the whole time, and the list of thoughts and feelings resulting from his continued attempts to win me back while lying while seriously dating and ultimately becoming engaged to someone else became more of a challenge to move past then all the initial reasons why I left.

I know his first wife was married to him for long enough that she saw all of the things that I list before leaving, and I saw some before but even more after. She will tell you she stayed too long. I had the benefit of journaling and finding Al-Anon early on. I will always feel that I stayed the exact correct amount of time. I sought the Lord wholeheartedly and He answered me and at just the right time He delivered me.

I’m thankful for the work that God has done in my life. I’m thankful that I’m not where I was. I still find myself offering up a prayer of thanks that I’m not married, that I’m no longer in that situation, that I’ve been set free. I think sometimes, because I have come so far, I get a little frustrated when something still flashes me back, or I have a moment that’s a sheer rush of hatred because a memory hits me. I take the thought captive immediately, I don’t dwell on it. I acknowledge that it did happen. I acknowledge that I felt whatever it was that I felt.

For a long time I was so confused at the absolute peace I felt on my wedding day. There was chaos all around me. There were tense situations between D and everyone else. I knew that I was marrying exactly who I was supposed to that day. I’ve questioned why I accepted things with D that were reasons I broke up with others before him. I’ve come to realize that while God didn’t cause my marriage and while God is always good and always faithful He does allow us to walk through intense challenges. I don’t think he caused the abuse, nor do I think that anyone who is in an abusive situation should stay, I know that He used it in a way that only He can do.

I know that before I got married I tended to be judgmental and at times snarky and often unreasonable. Not always but often enough. I had certain opinions and beliefs and I usually felt, even if I never said it, that I was right. Now, now more often than not the thought I have is “There but for the grace of God there go I”. Meaning I understand now, as I never have before, that I’m only where I am because of God’s grace. I don’t ever want to forget where I’ve been because I recognize that in order to avoid repeating the past I have to learn from it and use it to help guide me for the future.

5 Minutes

I tried on my formal dress last night to make sure the shoes I thought would work actually worked, they do. I about had a moment though. I’m not sure what was going on but my mom was struggling to get the dress zipped. I haven’t gained any weight (haven’t lost any either) so I don’t know why it was such a challenge last night. Regardless, it still fits, the shoes work, and in a week and 2 days I’ll be boarding the plane for FL!

Last week wasn’t as crazy busy and even the weekend which was decidedly over booked at the beginning of the week definitely eased up by the end of the week. I had a 10K Saturday morning. I pushed super hard to the point where the final half mile of the race I couldn’t run the last hill. The entire course is fairly “hilly” and the final mile has an uphill portion that I forget about until the moment I’m facing it and hating life and wondering why I keep doing this to myself!

I was supposed to go down to one of the farms to go shooting with a friend of mine but it had been so rainy we postponed that. I was supposed to take my friend Nicole out to dinner but she was sick so that got cancelled. I rarely go see movies but War Room was on a short list of movies I really really wanted to see! I asked my Mom if she wanted to go with me and we had a movie date on Saturday afternoon.

Sunday I went to the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and I had the 1 year old nursery during the 11. We had 8 babies, it was a little crazy at times! We had 2 of the older girls from the kid church (they were 11 or 12 I’m guessing) come in to help us. OK so I’ve been in nursery since I was at least 11 and keeping nursery on my own since I was 12. I was shocked (and panicked honestly) when one of the girls picked up a toddler underneath her rear end. I said please support her back she could easily fall backwards. These 2 just really didn’t seem to be able to understand how to help or what was needed and I was surprised. Next time I know of a young lady who is really good and I’ll be requesting that they go bring her back.

After nursery I met one of my small group girls for lunch to catch up with her. Then after I dropped her off at home I went home and fell asleep. Nursery is exhausting!!!

Last night I got to have dinner with the lady who was filling in at my previous company while they were looking to replace the operations director position. I always liked her and once I handed in my notice I was like now we can finally go to dinner. It was awesome to catch up with her! She and I are the same age. I’m not sure how often she’ll be back to NC since they found a replacement but I’m glad we got to have dinner last night!

This week I’m so excited! Thursday night Margs comes to town and Friday morning we are driving to the beach. My freshman year of college there were 2 girls who lived beside me. We’ve all stayed in touch but it’s been a really long time since we’ve seen each other. So this weekend we are having a reunion at the beach! I found an awesome deal through Airbnb and booked the place several months ago. It’s finally here!

I know I said I wasn’t going to do the online dating thing, and I wholeheartedly meant it. I’m not going to lie I’ve contemplated it several times over recently. The truth is for the next 8 weeks my life is way too crazy and insanely busy to try and add anything else to the mix. I also recognize and understand that I’ve only been officially divorced since April. I’ve had dates that have been fun and awesome and have made me realize that I don’t want to rule out dating but the flip-side of this is I’m really and truly happy right where I am.

I think I’ll give myself a lot more time to just enjoy where I am. Once I’ve passed the year anniversary of my divorce if I’m not already dating someone and haven’t dated anyone for a while I might have to reconsider my no online dating stance…. We’ll see. I know I have to be careful about trying to force my own solutions and my time line. I think I’ve realized that I need to stop making these kinds of “rules or decisions” for myself and allow for flexibility and re-considerations.

90 days and acceptance

Back on July 1 Patrice and I started a 90 day challenge where we agreed to do no sweets and for me no white bread type items. She has a spokes-model event she's doing down in FL and she needed to lose the rest of the baby W weight. I'm a good friend... or I didn't think it would be a bad thing for me to do with her and I knew it would help me too.

I knew when I started the challenge that I was not likely to lose any weight. I did a year of no sweets and I didn't lose any weight. Sure enough we're almost to the end of this 90 days and I've still not lost any weight at all.

I really hate the scale! Clearly weight has been a lifelong struggle. I've written countless posts about weight and exercise  and frustrations and aggravations.

I work out regularly. I can look back at my calendar and see how consistent I am with working out. I currently have even dropped a size in my clothing, but my weight is 20 lbs above my goal weight.

Even knowing that Patrice has had to add some things back to her diet because she's nursing and that forces you to consume more calories I've still kept to the no sweets. I've not been as strict regarding the no white but I did forgo the bagel this past weekend and last week at work and bagels are one of my very favorite things!!!

When I don't step on the scale I'm actually fairly happy about where I'm at. But then I step on the scale and I see the number and I can look in the mirror and suddenly find countless things that I am unhappy with.

I wish I didn't care. I wish that I didn't have to be so aware. The truth is because of the long struggle with bulimia I deal with thoughts that come out of nowhere. Especially over these past few weeks. I'm not sure why they've been creeping up and pouncing on me so frequently. Thoughts like you know you could eat whatever you wanted again and you would still be able to lose weight... You know you're so fat... You know you won't ever be able to lose weight again unless you're throwing up... I made it to the one year mark and I thought it was going to be behind me, nope!

Then there's the factor of uncertainty about the future. So instead of eating a pizza and throwing up to feel better I have to work through the emotion. I have to accept that I don't know what my future holds. I have to remember that I'm thankful to be right where I am. I have to remind myself that I have an amazing life! I remind myself that this freedom that I've had for over a year now is a good thing.

I don't take lightly how far I've come! I don't take lightly the amazing blessings in my life! I don't want to always deny myself sweets but I recognize I have to find a balance. I'd like to say I can completely accept myself right where I am, but I don't. I'm working on it, I'm in the best place I've probably ever been, but if I'm honest I can list out everything that's completely wrong.

This has been a long journey. Food is necessary and I'm working to find a balance. I'm working to accept that I might not ever lose this 20 lbs and hit my goal weight. Considering that I'm 36 it's probably more likely that I won't lose that weight. I'm healthy. I'm in fantastic shape. I'm in the kind of shape that allows me to go out for a girls night on Friday night and still run 4.5 miles the next morning. Which, I could probably lose weight if I didn't drink so much beer but I would rather have the beer and the food and enjoy those things then forgo them and be a smaller size. It just comes down to priorities!

Accepting where I am

I drove to northern VA to visit my friend Jess this past Friday. Driving up I thought about the last visit in November 2014 and what was going on. I had found out about D's girlfriend. He had tried to tell me that he wasn't moving on and that he would always love me, blah blah blah.

I love where I am now. I'm incredibly thankful that God has done such a work in me that I'm in the place where I currently am! I don't take lightly the freedom that I walk in.

I couldn't help but remember that drive and the emotions from last year. I've said this before but with the way my marriage ending played out when I left I was not angry or upset. I'd already forgiven him for what had happened and I was done. I've had to work to forgive and let go of the major lies and attempts to manipulate that took place once I was gone and even more so let go of how things have been handled with his daughter. When I left him I was done but I still believed he was a good person. By the time it was all final I won't put into writing exactly what I think about him, suffice to say none of it is positive and I would use words that I never use and are more suited to a sailor.

When I think about my life now I understand how unbelievably fortunate I am. I have a life that I literally think I should pinch myself to make sure that it's real. Jess and I had a conversation this weekend about how once we let go of how we thought it should look and realized that the current view was awesome life suddenly became way more enjoyable!

In my marriage I kept trying to appreciate the good stuff. Unfortunately there was not enough good and the abuse began to outweigh the positive. I get hit with flashbacks and I have to stop and take a minute. I hate this! I hate that I can't just have it all behind me and that there are still scenes that will flash in my mind and take my breath away. The flip side, I've only been divorced since April. It takes time. I've done a lot of work and I'm in an amazing place and I give God all the glory. I also have to remember that it hasn't been that long since I've been out of it.

My visit this weekend I loved! I absolutely love the chaos of 4 kids, the loudness, the craziness, they are all really really awesome kids and I look forward to these visits. It also throws me into a weird place. Because I'm just not sure what my future holds. I love my job, it's fantastic! I can't imagine trying to factor kids into the equation. I understand that it's important to live in the now and appreciate exactly what I have and believe me I totally do! But there is this flip side of my brain that still contemplates the marriage and kids part of life. I have way better controls in place and I no longer feel this driving need to get married. I've been married it was the worst thing ever, I'll gladly be single for the rest of my life to never repeat that awfulness again. Yet.... I also understand that marriage can be a really good thing too. So there is that belief that it can exist and be not awful, not perfect, but overall a good thing...

It's looking like my dating pattern is 2 dates and they fall off the face of the earth. I've done lots of praying. I've already accepted that this particular area of my life is the one I struggle the most to control. I've already prayed that whatever God has next I completely and totally trust in His plan and I will stay out of His way and seek Him wholeheartedly. I've genuinely liked these 2 guys who I have met. I also recognize that I have only been divorced since April and I'm doing amazing and I'm thankful for where I am but I will live my life recognizing that God's timing is certainly not mine! Tiff gave my a key chain for my birthday that says, God's timing is perfect! She could not have given me a better gift!

I would love to believe that I will eventually get married again but even if I don't I know that whatever God has planned is going to be incredible!!!

working out, hanging out, letting go, moving forward

Last Monday night I got a run in. Tuesday night I went to circuit class. Wednesday night I was supposed to run but it didn't happen. Thursday night I went to chair fit. Friday night I tried to run with Jack. That stinker ran to a point and then parked his furry little bottom on the ground and refused to go further until I turned him around. Saturday morning I had bootcamp. So I mostly got back on track for working out.

Saturday after boot camp I drove up to High Point to meet my newest adorable nephew. He's perfect!

I got A after church yesterday and spent several hours with her. I went to a class on Friday and while I was in class I got a text from the girl telling me how much she missed me and that she wanted to see me. I called her later that afternoon and we figured out that she could hang out with me Sunday. So we played pick up sticks, uno, skipbo, she watched Barbie Dream house on netflix. Jack Banner was thrilled to see her! After a few hours at the house she was getting restless so we hopped in the car and drove to Southpark. The American Girl Doll store is just outside of Macy's. We made our way up, she got distracted by the shoes in Macy's.

She enjoyed the American Girl store but she was way more interested in the animals than the dolls themselves. I took her to H&M which is across from the AG store and I think she had more fun in there looking at the clothes and shoes. After we finished up there we went and got her a cookie and found a perfect spot to watch the fountain. We wandered through a jewelry store and oohed and aahhed over the sparkly stuff and then made our way to Gap kids. By that time we had to leave to get her home.

This time around was way easier than when I had her for several hours last January. I miss her. I adore her. I think about her all the time. I didn't cry this time, it's still bittersweet, but I know that when she's ready to see me again she'll let us know and we'll get it figured out. Her mom and I had a conversation with her that she is free to talk about her Dad and she doesn't have to not talk about him around me. We told her how much we love her and I explained that I send her cards because I can't see her all the time anymore. She's 6 1/2 but I swear she's always been such an old soul. She'll do things that remind you just how little she still is but because she looks and acts so much older so much of the time it's hard to remember she's just a little girl.

The subject of her Dad is one that I have so many mixed emotions. So much was resolved when I went on my HQ but because I have chosen to remain a part of A's life there are things that come up and I have to remind myself that it's no longer my battle to fight. I might want to send an email or write an open letter detailing exactly my thoughts, and opinions, but instead I'm going to pray. I don't get to judge although sometimes I get downright judgmental because OH MY GOSH HOW CAN YOU BE SO (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) X INFINITY...... Then I realize that I actually married this person and that makes me start reflecting on what do I still have to work on. Because while I do have strong feelings regarding his failures regarding his child I have to remember to take those prayers to the Father and let God be God.I also have to acknowledge that long before him I was making bad choices and let's make sure that I don't repeat my own bad choices and mistakes.

This week my working out is going to be hit or miss for sure. I am supposed to have dinner with my sponsor tomorrow night. I should be able to get a workout in on Wednesday night. Thursday night I have church. Friday night I have a concert. Saturday morning I have a race. Saturday afternoon I have a shower. Sunday I have Patrice's baby W's baptism and I'm pretty sure I'm Godmother and then we'll have a party after that.  I think the following week is likely just as crazy. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the enormous blessings in my life!

week in review and moving forward

The beginning of the last week of July, wow! Last Wednesday night I had my final class of 3 in a series that was on reading the Bible. Part of the homework included reading 1st and 2nd Timothy. I went into class Wednesday and said to the Pastor teaching, ummm, Timothy??? She is the pastor who has walked my journey with me. Along with her close friend, who has been the counselor I have worked with for the past year and a half. She told me that I needed to talk to her (the counselor) about it. I was told to read Ten Lies the Church Tells Women by J Lee Grady. So I bought it, and I read it, and oh my gosh, POWERFUL!

I'm so glad I read it! The 10th lie deals with abuse. Jess had sent me an article a while back that detailed the context of the Malachi verse that states that God hates divorce. I had already known before I read that article that while God hates divorce He also hates several other things and I knew that I was submitting to the spiritual leadership in my life. So while I've been pretty good with my decision this book dealt with other factors and I was just so glad I read it! I appreciated the fact that the author addresses the lie that women have to be married in order to be complete according to what most churches teach and that is just simply not the case. I could go on but I'll just say it's definitely worth the read!

Thursday morning my brother and SIL had the baby and I am super excited! My parents are currently adoring the time with them!

Thursday night I finally got to meet up with my friend who I used to be her underwriting assistant and then I moved to a different department and now she has moved to a different company. I love her so much! She's actually the one who set me up with the guy who was my first after divorce date guy. She and I caught up with each other at Dresslers restaurant in Midtown. Oh my goodness the food was so good! It was my first time there, it's one of her favorite restaurants. I ordered a chopped salad and seared tuna, oh so good! She did ask me what happened with the guy and I explained that he just fell off the face of the earth but that I knew he traveled and that he has a lot going on. She said don't be surprised if I hear from him. Apparently they had a whole conversation at work about me and how amazing I am and he said he just felt like too much time had gone by to contact me. She told him I'm not like that.

If he does contact me again, awesome! I like him tremendously! But I'm not holding my breath. I am crazy busy and I have my own life. I still believe when someone is truly into you they make much more of an effort to be in contact with you. For this guy he's coming out of a really bad marriage, his divorce finalized at the same time as mine. I completely understand he's just not in a place where he's looking for a relationship. I totally understand! For me the 2 dates that we had allowed me to realize that I actually am ready to date and enjoy meeting new people. However since I am not online the only way I'm going to meet someone is if God puts him directly in my path. This is fine with me. My plan is to chase God as hard as I can and if a guy can keep up then he can run with me.

Friday after work I had an interview. I can't provide a whole lot of detail at this point. I've been praying for new opportunities and new doors to open and I'm hopeful so we will see what happens. I believe I have a strong chance but I have already prayed if it's not the right door then God will close it.

Saturday I finally got back to a workout. I went to boot camp, and it kicked my butt and it was awesome! I spent the rest of the day hanging out at home and it was so awesome! I didn't tell anyone I was free, I didn't make any offers to do anything with anyone, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time!

This morning the power went out at church right before the 8am prayers service began. It was really special how we all came up to the front and had the  prayer service anyways. Then the 9 service began by candlelight and right before the sermon the power came back on.

I had my last small group meeting with my girls and it was such a special time! I'm so thankful for the opportunity that I had to lead the group I led!

This evening I plugged in my digital picture frame. The frame had been unplugged for a few weeks because I had moved it and then moved it again and just hadn't plugged it in. There are tons of pictures of A on there. The other night I came across a picture of her and I when we were at my parents and she was opening her presents from them in 2011. I see these pictures and quite honestly I get a mixture of emotions. I wouldn't change any of these past few years. I'm thankful that they have brought me to where I am. Saying that I see the pictures and I get mad that D was such a liar and that all the things I envisioned when I married him shattered before my eyes before our first week of marriage was over.

At the beginning of each month I send A a card to tell her that I'm thinking of her, that I love her, and I include a scripture verse. I promised when I married her Dad that I would love her like she was mine and I did that, and I still love her, and quite honestly I still have moments when it hits me like a ton of bricks that I won't be there to see her grow up. Regardless of the fact that I stay in touch it's not the same as when I had her every weekend. She was never mine to begin with, and there were challenges but one of the reasons I fought so very hard to make my marriage work was for her.

Her mom sent me a picture of her the other week and she's started losing teeth and she's 6 1/2 so she totally looks like a big kid now and not like the little girl whose life I was such a big part of. I wanted to be around for this part, and the next part and watching her graduate high school and there's still a part of me that hurts knowing that I am not. I don't ever doubt my decision. At the end of the day she can never believe it would ever be acceptable for anyone to talk to her the way her Dad talked to me. She was given way more information from her Dad then can ever be considered acceptable for a 5/6 year old to handle. I have to remember that regardless of how bad the situation may be God can and will redeem and restore.

It's hard to let go of all this and yet I keep moving forward. My life looks absolutely nothing like how I thought it would and yet when I look at how God is moving and how He has worked all things for His good I'm so thankful!

Meetings, Calendar, Busy, Busy, Acceptance

The month is rapidly moving towards it's end. The Friday after the date that didn't happen I had the most amazing day! God totally moved the details so that I was able to have meetings with the organization that I'm working with that is involved in working with women who have been trafficked and the director of the Hope Center at my church and then after that meeting we had a meeting with an amazing place that among other programs offers equine therapy.

The day was just so full of God's details that I think we were all blown away! It was incredible to talk and connect people and events and hear what God is doing and think, wow! To know that He is so good and faithful and able and to be reminded to never ever put Him in a box!

After the meetings I drove home and threw clothes in a bag and drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. They are now expecting my newest nephew to arrive any day now. My SIL had requested that I come up for one last visit before the new baby and of course I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity!

We had a really good time! My SIL and I stayed up way too late watching Say Yes to the Dress. I still love all things wedding! I don't ever have to have a wedding but I do love all the details and planning for other people!

Saturday my brother and I took my nephew to Chick Fil A and then the park. Little H is outside every chance he gets! I left around 2 to head home and get ready for dinner with my friend Karen. It's hard to believe that we've now been friends for 11 years. We met at Peculiar Rabbit in Plaza Midwood area.

I used to frequent the neighborhood and I never had trouble finding parking. We were meeting for dinner at 6 and there was no parking to be had. I paid for a spot in order to avoid a ticket, being booted or towed. I figure $5 is a small price to pay. Sometimes living in a city that is so rapidly growing has those moments when I just shake my head. Progress is all well and good but it comes with aggravations as well. Especially when you have to drive everywhere and deal with traffic and parking.

We had an amazing dinner! I had not been there and I really enjoyed the shrimp tacos, they were an appetizer but as an entree it worked perfectly too!

That Sunday after church I met my friend Tiff for lunch. We hadn't caught up with each other in several weeks so it was awesome to see her! I feel beyond blessed to have friendships that have lasted for such a long time!

I fit a workout in before going home and getting ready for Patrice's Dad's surprise retirement party. I had THE BEST time at the party! It's always fun to get to catch up with people at a party like this. Patrice and I have literally grown up with each other since church nursery so many of the people who have watched us grow up were there. She and I shared a plate since we are both doing the no sweets and I'm doing the no white bread (she doesn't eat white bread regardless). We had plenty to eat and I even fed L his piece of cake.

This month schedule wise has been full! Monday night I did my volunteering, including a run where we got caught in the pouring down rain and had to be rescued. It's one of those awesome summer night memories and it was an adventure!

Right before we went for the run I had 2 missed calls a VM and a text message from D. There was a family emergency and he was requesting prayer. I did text his parents to express that I was praying. The truth is he does not need to be contacting me when there are emergencies. I understand that perhaps he wanted me to know, and I understand that prayer was needed, but what he fails to realize and understand is that I do not want him in my life in any way shape or form. I pray for him as regards his daughter. I have thought about it since last week and the truth of the matter is because of the way that he operated during our entire separation and divorce I learned more about him than in the entirety of our marriage. God rescued me and brought me out and protected me and has healed me from the wounds. When D contacts me I have to work to let it go, give it to God, and remember that I have been set free and I choose to continue to walk in the freedom that I've been given.

Tuesday I went to a class called life barre, toning and conditioning I like circuit better but since I had just gone to the chiropractor I need a class that was less impact.

Wednesday I had my Bible class at church. The class has been interesting and I'm thankful that I'm taking it but I seem to find myself doing the homework in lump reading rather than daily.

Thursday I had my 2nd chiropractor appointment of the week. It worked out that he had an availability for Thursday. Tuesday night we worked on my low back, Thursday we worked on the fact that my arm was going numb. My job definitely lends itself to way too much sitting and I have to be more intentional about getting up and moving around and stretching.After my appointment I went to the women's event at church.

The event was so awesome! I know that I am so blessed by the women's ministry at church!

Last Friday July 17 marked one year free from bulimia. That was such a huge, enormous milestone for me! I never believed that I would truly be set free and yet God totally and completely broke that hold. Yes I've had to choose to continue to walk in my freedom but He absolutely gave me the freedom!

Friday after work I drove down to SC. I hadn't seen my friend Margs and her family since February and it was a long overdue visit! She and I went for a walk Friday night that was awesome! Saturday morning I was up early and knocked out a 6 mile run on the trail in her neighborhood. Then we spent time at the pool. Her neighborhood has a front pool and a back pool. We went to the back pool and we had the whole area to ourselves for at least an hour and a half, it was fantastic!

We went to lunch and then I headed back to Charlotte. While I was driving home my other Margaret contacted me. She and her boyfriend made an impromptu drive to Charlotte to visit Ikea so we made dinner plans. We went to an old favorite of mine, Alexander Michaels. The food there is so amazing! Their friend Anita met us and she was awesome! It was such a fun evening!

Sunday morning I went to the 8 prayer service, I had nursery during the 9 service in the 2 year old room and then I went to the 11 service. Staying awake was a little bit challenging up until the object lesson that the pastor did. It was effective and it also woke me up, fortunately!

The rest of my Sunday I relaxed at home. I needed it! I have been so much on the go!

Last night I did my volunteering and then my friend gave me an interval routine that we did on the treadmills at her gym. Kicked my booty! I loved it!

I got home from work today and fell asleep. I didn't make it to the gym and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I've not heard from the guy I was supposed to have had the date with. I loved how the story unfolded and I was truly excited to go have coffee and dinner and talk further. Perhaps he will contact me but I am honestly not holding my breath. I just don't think it's going to happen.

When situations like last week with D come up and leave me unsettled, when the guy never contacts me again like what happened this past spring, when the date falls through and the plans change, these are the times when I struggle a little bit. I question my choices. I question if I can really handle the statement if God doesn't bring anyone into my life can I really accept it. The answer is yes I can. This is not because I'm awesome and strong and I don't need anyone. The reason that I can is because whatever path God has for me He has given me everything I need to walk that path and that calling. I choose to say yes to whatever He has for me, however it might look.

I'm watching the world around me and what's happening and I'm aware like never before that there are events happening that I never believed I would see in my lifetime. I had a friend post recently about how she's reading in the Old Testament and how there is nothing new that is happening now that hasn't happened before and we are called to be God hands and feet to those around us.

I fully and completely agree that I am called to be God's hands and feet to those around me! I also understand that prophecy has been and is being fulfilled. I recognize a physical pain in my heart over my friends and family who are not walking with the Lord. I've cried tears for those who blatantly deny God. Jesus died so that we would never have to be separated from the great love of the Father. There is no greater love then the cross. So knowing that people are outright rejecting this hope and promise of life is causing me to hurt.

I've talked to my coworker friend and shared the hurting. I recognize that nothing I say will change it. But by living my life holy and set apart, not because I'm awesome but because I recognize much God has done for me, and by sharing about what God is doing in every aspect of my life, my true hope is that I will be able to be the light, and reflect Jesus to all those who I come in contact with.

The world is spiraling faster and faster into the chaos and disorder and I know that this is only the beginning. I also know that Jesus came and gave His life so that everyone can have the gift of salvation. So as someone who is trying to learn to be more Christlike my hope is that others will be drawn to Him because of the Him they see in me!

The rest of this week is typically busy! Unfortunately it won't be busy with workouts since I have something going on every night for the rest of the week but again I refuse to feel guilty for not going to the gym tonight! I needed the nap! I needed the time to sort my thoughts!

Progress

I was supposed to be on a date tonight. I was so excited that I talked about it, which unwritten dating karma rules state that if you want the date to be cancelled talk about it to too many people... I don't actually believe in karma and I was excited and I did talk about it way more than I usually would have because I loved the story so much.

I have been looking forward to this night and I had really been having to keep redirecting my brain. I found myself questioning and snooping and quite honestly acting in a way that is not how I want to act. If I say that I trust the Father for His plan and that He has the details then in my actions I need to act this way.

When the message came through that the date had to be cancelled due to life, because things happen legitimate things, I was honestly embarrassed and deflated, I was so excited for this date. One because the guy is good looking, and that's always a plus, and two because I had a really cute fantastic outfit that I got tons of compliments on and finally because I was really looking forward to the date itself. I knew I was going to have a good time. I was looking forward to not only the food but the conversation and having the opportunity to get to know this person better.

I got the message as I was walking up the stairs from lunch. I read the message and my reactions were embarrassment and disappointment and then it was very nearly audible, "do you trust me"? It's easy to say that I trust God and His plan but this was where it was coming down to this just happened and I'm disappointed now how am I going to handle it. I said, I trust you, my life is yours, every part of my life is yours. I have prayed and given this up to you and I will acknowledge that this is in your perfect plan and I can rest in that knowledge.

I wrote back that of course I understand and that yes we could reschedule and to just contact me when he gets back from vacation and we'll get it back on the calendar.

This week I saw God's hand all OVER the details of meetings being worked out for the foundation that I've started volunteering with and the people I wanted to get meetings with being put on the calendar. All week long I've given God the glory for what He is doing. So if He's all over the details in this aspect, then He is just as much all over the details of whether or not I ever have another date with anyone.

When everything is going the way that I want it to I can be all "YAY GOD" but when I don't get my way and something that I was super excited about gets cancelled, guess what, I am going to acknowledge my feelings and then take a step back and remember that the master weaver is the one who knows the patterns plan.

typing out the thoughts in my head

My parents left for a week last Tuesday. This time around there was no huge drama that unfolded while they were gone. Last year when they left for TX was when I met that woman who felt it necessary to share every detail of conversation that she and I had with D as she was trying to maneuver her way into his bed.

Tuesday night I went to Sass Fit at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I went to a memorial service to support friends of mine who were saying goodbye to their friend. The friend that they were saying goodbye to had a severe asthma attack and was not ever able to recover. Her birthday is the day after mine, we shared the same name, she was 17 or 18 years older than I am. I unblocked D on FB because Concord is small and if they were friends I needed to be prepared to run into him. They were not friends so he was not there. Despite how far I've come and how much I've grown I have moments still and while I expect to see him occasionally at church there I know I am still very much shielded. If I had run into him at something like this I would hope he would maintain the distance I've established.

Thursday night I just hung out with Jack. Friday night I took Jack for a run. Saturday morning was bikini bootcamp. I also got a run in yesterday. Tonight I had plans to go work out. I took a nap instead. I think I'm struggling. I'm working on it. I really am. For the most part every day I'm doing really well. What would have been my 4th anniversary is happening on Thursday. I understand and accept that I could not stay in my marriage. I understand and accept that everything that has happened God has ultimately worked for His good and He didn't cause any of it but in the way that only He can He brought beauty out of the ashes.

It's just an odd feeling to know that 4 years ago I was preparing to walk down the aisle. I was preparing for a life, and ignoring red flags, and wholeheartedly believing that I was right where I was supposed to be and looking back and knowing the hell that unfolded in the weeks that followed it seems almost like a book I read except I've had to work through all of the trauma that I experienced.

Saturday evening I went over to my friend Nicole's for a little while and we hung out and talked. I took Jack and it had been a few years since he had hung out with her dogs but it ended working out just fine. Her Kahn really wanted to play with Jack and Jack was like, dude what is your problem. Jack doesn't know how to play with other dogs because he is used to being around his humans. It was good to talk to her, good to hang out.

I am in such an odd limbo when it comes to my life. In some ways things move on; every day I go to work, I have a busy schedule, I'm always on the go. I have friends and family, and I love where I am. Then there is the part of me that is stymied by the fact that I've ultimately ended up alone. All those fears about never getting married.the endless agonizing over what is wrong with me why have I not found anyone, and now I had everything on my list, and it was awful. Of course, my list was this, get married and have children, I got both in one day. I wouldn't trade the girl for anything in this world. I adore her. I'm thankful that I can still be a part of her life.

I know that there is a purpose and a plan unfolding. I don't doubt this at all. I'm faithfully moving forward with trying to get involved with working with victims of human trafficking. It's a slow process because my work schedule is not necessarily conducive to volunteering during the week.

The guy that I've mentioned, it's a situation where it's not even dating. We've met up twice. Occasionally I get a text message. I know the reasons why. I know that as much fun as he is and as nice of a guy as he is it's likely that we won't see each other again and I can accept that. I appreciate the fact that I actually had the opportunity to get dressed up and meet someone. Just knowing that I've gotten that first "date", although it wasn't really a date, out of the way is a really nice thing to be able to say I've done. In all honesty I used dating as such a distraction, and it was so much of my focus before I got married that having this much "me" time now leaves me having to constantly shift my focus. When my head wants to drift to the what if, what is going to, what will ___ look like I turn up the music or change the topic of my thoughts.

I'm learning. Every day is a new day. With having my parents gone and having my no longer anniversary fast approaching it's a process to stop the hamster wheel and allow the truths that I am loved, and cared about, and blessed and that my identity doesn't come from whether or not I'm married, what my job title is, whose last name I hold, but rather my identity comes from the fact that I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I'm made in the image of God and my purpose is to be more and more Christ like as I continue to grow and learn. Some days are better than others but every day His mercies are new.

The rest of this week is fortunately not crazy. Tomorrow night I have Sass Fit (circuits) at Sassy Girl. Wednesday night I'm hoping for a run. Thursday night I have a ladies event at the Concord church. Friday night I'm hoping for a run. Saturday I have bootcamp. I'm trying to stay consistent with working out. I'm not sure why I've felt so run down and tired but I'm working through it!

It's only Monday, law have mercy! LOL! Here's to a fabulous week!

moving forward

I can tell I haven't written in a while because my head becomes the craziest place! I get twitchy and ansty and basically I have this need to write my thoughts out in order to let them go.

Primarily today I've been thinking about just how thankful I am! I have friends who have been amazing, who are amazing! I am so fortunate that despite my inability to physically be a regular presence I was able to stay in touch through social media and email. I'm thankful for the friends who stood by me through the whole marriage. I'm thankful for the fact that wife 1 reached out to me and has allowed me to vent and talk and has provided perspective. I am thankful for Audra's mom who has been so good to me! I have a phenomenal support system. I don't take for granted the blessings in my life.

I don't take for granted that I am able to live with my parents. I'm thankful that they are letting me stay here, that they love Jack, and that they are not pushing me out!

I'm thankful that I have a job. I never heard back from the interview that I had 2 weeks ago. I had prayed about it. I know that God consistently opens and closes the doors that I'm supposed to either go through or not.

I'm thankful that I finished my 12 steps. I'm thankful that when I come home at the end of the day I'm not dreading walking through the door.

Time provides a lot of perspective and the further out I am from living with my ex-husband the more I realize how much I appreciate my freedom. I don't have to figure out keeping the calendar from being too full and being accused of not prioritizing him. I don't have to explain every single plan that I make. I don't have to pick my battles and "let it go" if I'm not going to fight for it.

A friend of mine commented on my most recent race status update that I seem to be PR'ing every race these days. I replied back that it's because I can now train and cross train and I don't have to fight for my calendar. I'm not actually PR'ing every race but Saturday's race I did PR, I did place in my age division and I did win a Belk gift card which I was super excited about!

I think as the final divorce date moves further into my past I'm more able to file it as in the past and look forward to whatever the future holds. I am thankful that the nightmare is over. I'm thankful that I woke up!

what is the focus

So it's not officially confirmed but I'm about 99% positive my ex-husband is married again. I realize that I knew all along that this is how it would happen. I just have to work through the last lingering bits of the fact that there was a tiny piece of my brain that actually wanted to believe the "I will love you forever, I will wait as long as it takes and I haven't really moved on" statements.

Realistically I understand that he is sick and that he can't love anyone other than himself. I totally understand this. Trying to wrap my brain around it is taking a little more work simply because long before I met him I had a brain that always wanted to believe the unrealistic fairy tale. Example, oh you cheated on me but really it's ok because you just needed to work through some things and now you've changed.

The good part for me is that as this process has gone on the time period for me moving through this is getting shorter and shorter. I know that I can't change any of this and being upset or angry over it is pointless. He is who he is and I knew through the entire process that he had not changed.

He started his relationship with me by lying, he started his current marriage with lies. When I compare my story to his first wife we had different lives but the pattern is very much the same. So I have a really good grasp of what the truth is and because of that I think I'm going to be more able to let this go. It's just all really fresh right now.

The truth is I'm prettier than his new wife and younger. I don't really get any satisfaction from that, which I guess shows that I'm growing up and I understand how little that really matters.

I had a conversation with my mom this morning about all this and how it's a process. She said that she didn't regret our wedding and I told her that I did. I truly didn't want a shower, I didn't want a wedding and I think one of the reasons behind it all was because in the back of my mind I had serious reservations.

The truth was I had almost called everything off about 2 weeks before the wedding. I didn't because I had shower presents sitting at his house. I had already sent out invitations. I would have left him so much sooner if we had eloped at the court house instead of me standing in front of my friends and family and making promises that I wholeheartedly meant.

I told my Mom that I understand that she wanted a wedding and that had she tried to stop it I would have gone ahead anyways. But the truth is it was because of my wedding that I didn't leave sooner. I think that this is not a bad thing. I used to run away from challenges and difficulties and because of the promises that I made I had to face everything. I had to work on myself. I got myself into Al-Anon.

God works all things for His good for those who love Him who are called according to His purposes. Even when I married someone and forced my own solution God used it so that He could grow me and change me. Had I left earlier on it's incredibly likely I would have repeated the pattern. I'm the girl who went to Charleston, found her own way home, and said she was going to take a break from dating only to start dating again 2 weeks later. God knew that in order to really get ahold of me He needed me right where I was. He did not cause my heartbreak and struggle and the bad things that were happening but He was able to use them in a very profound way.

Driving to the social security office this morning I was praying. I realized that I could dwell on my ex-husband's marriage and the lies and all of that or I could recognize that my joy has come in the morning. I can focus on the incredible blessings and life that I have. I can get myself all worked up over the things that I can not change or I can let go of those things because they are in the past and I can trust in the promises that God is good, that He is faithful, that He is more than enough and I can move forward knowing that He knows that plans that He has for me.

Step 12

When I started re-working my steps last year it was because my ex-husband had agreed to 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I realized he was going to beat my at finishing the steps and at that point I had been in Al-Anon for 2 1/2 years.

I remember looking at my sponsor in the meeting and saying I need a sponsor can you help me out. We met and talked and she agreed to be my sponsor and we started the steps over because I had been stuck on step 4 forever, or 2 years but you get the picture.

I began the process of writing out the homework and working through the various steps. Sure enough D finished his 12 steps long before I did and dropped out of AA sometime this past summer or fall I'm guessing. I'm still attending my meeting and still appreciating the gift of being a part of the program.

It's pretty incredible to look back over the past 3 1/2 years and realize just how far I've come. I've learned so much. I can look at my own motives and own my actions and choices. I can recognize when I'm not staying on my side of the street and when I'm trying to force solutions.

It's been a pretty incredible month. My divorce was final on April 1. I found out on April 13 that I passed my CIC exam and I officially achieved my designator. I finished my 11th and 12th step tonight. I will end this month at a week long retreat where I will have prepared for the 30 days leading up to it with devotions and prayers. I love how God works out the details!

I'm thankful that my sponsor has walked this journey with me over the past year. I'm thankful that I've finally completed the work and I can say that I've done my steps. I'm thankful for the program that helped me survive and then thrive both in my marriage and now out of it.

I'm such an instant gratification person that I've found myself wishing I could skip over this process of having to deal with my emotions and the hurts that still linger. Knowing that my ex-husband is very likely already married doesn't shock me. I knew that this is exactly what would happen. I know that he is a very sick individual. He was saying until December that he loved me, that there was no one else that he would ever love, that he had not moved on, that I was the only one for him. Finally I told him if he contacted me further I would send his then GF every message he had sent me since October. He's a liar and a fraud and I've known this all along. But knowing it and then facing the reality and processing it are a little different.

Life moves on. Fortunately for me I do have this retreat coming up. As hard as this week has been I do realize that I'm on the other side. I would not trade the freedom that I have for anything. I do not envy his new wife the journey she will have and the nightmare she will live.

I'm thankful that I have reached this place and I'm thankful that my journey continues. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future!

Shattered

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the stuff I've been processing since last week. Finding out that my divorce was final, and then realizing that my ex-husband contacted the lawyer and needed proof of divorce, it was what I knew would happen all along.

I have been sorting through various emotions. I wanted to get married. That was my goal. I achieved my goal. Then on my wedding day my life totally fell apart. It was on my wedding night that the thought flashed through my head that I had married the absolute wrong person. Why did I have that thought, because he would not tell me that if I gained weight he would love me. He said that we needed to work on being healthy. Y'all have read me long enough to know I have some serious issues about this subject and while this past year I've grown leaps and bounds on my wedding day I was probably as emotionally unstable as they come.

Years of starving, binging, gaining, losing, and a revolving door love life created a perfect situation for my now ex-husband to sweep in and fast track our relationship to the altar. Believe me I know I was just as much accountable. I should have dealt with myself. But I could should myself for the rest of my life and it's not going to be productive. Instead I will accept what I've learned and I will not repeat the patterns.

That day that I got married allowed God to finally get ahold of me. I've explained before that it was my moment at the well. Everything that I had defended and brushed aside, and tried to justify placed me in a marriage that shattered everything that I was. That sounds dramatic and if you read my pre-marriage writing I was the queen of the dramatic, but this is a different kind of intensity. Fortunately for me, even though I landed myself in a nightmare of my own making God used it to meet me and bring me forward. I don't think He caused any of it to happen but He used it in order to work it for His good.

It's the kind of breaking that meant those old pieces were never going to go back together again. Years of self-hatred and loathing were in the broken pieces of selfishness, manipulations and the need to control. When I think back on the stories I'm reminded that I hurt others and I cringe. I certainly landed in plenty of hurtful situations myself but I also am guilty of trying to force my own solutions and not caring if I hurt someone who cared about me. Example, the guy I went to Vegas with. In all honesty he was super decent. I should not have agreed to go. I should have acknowledged early into it that I just wasn't that into him. I think at this point reaching out would be wrong but I recognize that I was so wrong in how I handled all of that.

Once I left last year it was like a huge weight lifted. Then I agreed to go through the counseling process and I was terrified of going back. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he hadn't changed and going back would just prove how he hadn't changed. I'm thankful that I trusted the women that God put in my life as I went through that counseling process. For me it was so necessary to walk through that and be held accountable. I needed to be heard. They needed to know the story of everything that had happened. Because I was willing to go through that process I am now able to move forward into my life and talk about what happened in order to help others. 

The talking to others is sometimes really scary. It's not just sharing that I married someone who was verbally abusive it's also sharing that I had my own issues from long before I ever got married. It's way scarier to be honest and real about the eating disorder that I struggled with and in all honesty still struggle with. I've had to fight so hard since this past Thursday against that long time habit that would allow me to eat whatever I wanted to feel better and then get rid of it all. 

It's a process. This too shall pass. I'm fortunate that there are so many people in my life who care about me. Who stand along side of me. Who have been so amazing! I'm struggling with what my life is supposed to look like. I got married, it was so bad that I had to leave, and now what? Now where do I go? What is next? As I've been wrestling with this and praying and trying to sort through it all I am also working not to feel any sense of entitlement. See God gave His only Son who died for my sins. If nothing else good ever happens again in my life that is enough. I have a savior who died for me. Who loved me so much that He gave the greatest sacrifice. As I was praying this afternoon walking through the dress section at Belk I was reminded of this fact. 

Here in America because I do have so much it's easy to feel like God owes me something because that's the culture in which I live it says that God owes me. In reality everything that I am everything that I have it's all His. My life is not my own because of the price with which i was bought. So as I read scripture verses and study and sort throught these feelings I'm reminded that it's not all about me. I have been brought through a really really dark season, and He didn't bring me to this place for me to return to old habits and old party girl ways. 

Part of the struggle I'm facing is allowing Him to continue to be the main focus. It's easy now that the divorce is final to say OK, let's move this along. Instead I've promised Him, and myself, that I will not do things the way that I would have done them before. This is incredibly hard for me! I'm working to remember that I'm not the one in control. I've seen the results when I try to take control and force results. 

I know that it's very very early on into the finality fo my divorce. While it's felt like such a long time, it's really only been a short season. Last year at this time feels like an eternity ago and yet it's been just months. I'm willing to go wherever He leads, however it may look, and while I'm willing, I'm also fighting the old me who wants to control it all and tell Him how it needs to be done!

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Sometimes I do wish I could rewind my life the way I rewind a movie. Except I've accepted that I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the lessons from my life experiences.

I found out yesterday that my divorce was final on April 1. Yes God definitely has a sense of humor! 2 months and 11 days shy of 4 years after my wedding I am officially divorced. Typing that out and seeing it in print makes me sad. Not sad because I'm no longer with my ex-husband. Sad because it's not how a marriage is supposed to end. Marriage is supposed to be two people together who work to make it work.

In the email thread from my lawyer I saw that they had emailed my ex the divorce papers. I asked them if he had contacted my lawyer and he had because he had an appointment today and needed proof of his divorce. The only reason you need proof of your divorce is because you are applying for a marriage license. If he gets married today, in addition to the license, I won't be shocked.

I've honestly been struggling to let go of the anger and resentment that I didn't know were still lingering. I've realized that there are layers in this process of letting go. Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

The lyrics from our wedding song have been playing in my head today.

Had a picture in my head
How I thought it all would go
But who showed up instead
Turns out you never know
Love will steal you by surprise
And take your heart just like a thief
Love can bring can bring a stubborn man Down to one knee

Chorus: 
And I wouldn't change a thing
It's perfectly imperfect
So crazy but it's worth it
And I'm wrapped around you like this ring And something tells me that even if I could I wouldn't change a thing


Love will show you what you lack
Love will laugh at all your plans
And if your heart won't give it back
Love will slip right through your hands
But heaven knows we've had our share
Of days we'd rather leave behind
Oh but love don't really seem to care
It makes the wrong turns right

Bridge: 
I'm truly, deeply, madly, completely
Devoted, every moment, 'til my last breath I'm yours


Got a picture in my head of a hundred years from now 
When all our lines have all been read 
And we're both up there looking down

Matthew West "Wouldn't Change a Thing"

While the relationship that I had with my ex was dysfunctional and abusive the song itself would turn out to be prophetic. I thought I knew how it all would go and this marriage brought this stubborn girl down onto her knees. I wouldn't change a thing because as imperfect as it all was I see the beauty of how God worked out the details.

Love showed me what I lacked, and laughed at my plans. I'm thankful to leave behind the days of my marriage because it was so unhealthy. Instead of being truly madly completely devoted to D I'm truly madly completely devoted to the Lord, to His plans, to what He has for my future. I've fully surrendered to Him and whatever He has for me. Until my last breath I will seek to bring Glory to the Father.

One day I will stand before the Heavenly Father and answer for my life and the choices that I've made. I am thankful for the work that He has done for me. I am thankful for the brokenness that brought me to the now.

5 minutes

At some point last week the judge signed my divorce papers, I hope. Since I haven't heard anything one way or another I'm going with the no news is good news assumption.

Easter was so fun! I had nursery for the 9 service, I attended the 11 service and then I rushed home to help my Mom get Easter lunch served. It was so nice having everyone here and enjoying each other's company. I took Jack for a run after everyone left because it was so beautiful outside!

Work has slowed down significantly for which I am thankful. The downside, apparently I work better under extreme pressure. Now that I don't have 5 million things all required at the same time I have trouble focusing. I still have plenty to do. I have files that have to get published, July renewals that are supposed to already be done and August renewals that are supposed to be started.

I have been struggling to stay on task. I think that I'm perhaps a little burned out. I am off the last week of April to attend a Heartquest event. This is a week long retreat to get away and spend time with the Lord. Up until today I had been feeling extremely disconnected and unable to focus on the devotionals. There are 30 days of prep, 5 days on the retreat, and then 30 days follow up. I have been in this very weird place that I really don't like. PMS is real, and I know that a lot of my feelings are related to it this week.

Today was my first day to eat sweets after my year long sweets fast. Admittedly it's been a lot more sugar today than in the previous year. Including the large cup of ice dream from chick fil a at lunch. I ate half, ate my grilled chicken nuggets, and then the other half. I currently feel pretty nauseous.

I started the sweets fast when I was in a really bad place with the bulimia. I was freed from the bulimia in July of last year. Today I really wasn't prepared for the onslaught of memories triggered by the sugar. I actually plan to do another 60 day sweets fast starting tomorrow. I feel like I need to better prepare for this next one to end. I don't want to let go of the freedom that I have from the bulimia and eating sugar seems to be an enormous trigger. It's so eye opening to me that these things I think I've dealt with, and in some ways I have, have many different layers to them.

It's the way it is about D. I think I'll be doing fine and then Mom and Dad go out of town and I get hit with the unexpected like the GF having the conversation with him about the information that she has that he was telling another woman that he loved her 10 days before proposing to her. That left me in a weird place that weekend when my parents were out of town and I was struggling to stay accountable to not go back to old habits.

I've never been entirely sure why I felt like I was supposed to do this sweets fast I just knew very clearly that I was called to do it. In looking back I can see how the weeks leading up to me being set free from bulimia were positioning me and then afterwards helping me continue to move forward in freedom. There is something to all of this and I realize that I need to work through it.

I've shared in small group settings a few times now about the fact that I was set free last July. It's such an unnerving process to be this real with people because quite honestly people are likely to judge and while I know that what other people think of me is none of my business, and by sharing I might help someone else, it still leaves me in a vulnerable spot.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not where I was and I'm not where I'm going but I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

stopping the wheel

I could write for days about the same thing. My head is stuck. I think I'm doing so good and suddenly I get off track and start spinning.

All the what if's in the world don't change the past. I can re-work and re-work the stories in my brain but the ending is still the same.

So in order to redirect my brain.

I bought new boots yesterday, they are super cute!!!

I bought a new dress on Sunday that I posted on IG. It's fabulous and I love it and I will find a reason to wear it!

Because I cancelled my party I'm now planning visits with the girls who I haven't seen recently. The party would have been way easier and was actually partly why I was going to have a party but this way I'll be able to catch up one on one.

I had to drive in to work today. I drove on solid ice for about 90% of the drive. From my house until I was halfway to work I went no faster than 25mph. I am staying at Tiff's house tonight so that I don't have to travel so far until it clears up a little more.

I've been talking to my parents and I've decided that come September I'm either going to sell the condo or if it doesn't make sense to sell I'm going to rent it out for another year. I want a fresh start and I feel like a part of that is letting go of my past completely and starting new.

My half marathon is fast approaching and I know it's going to happen and despite the misery of training I'm really excited about it! I also think I'm probably going to sign up for another half on May 17. Meanwhile I have got to get some kind of exfoliating body wash. My skin is ridiculous right now and I guess it's because of the winter weather and the running, but yuck!

I know that all these feelings that I'm experiencing, are just that, feelings. This too shall pass! Life is moving forward and it's good and I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

Mishmash

I was reminded this past Saturday that I don't miss certain parts of restaurant hostessing. The insanity of Valentines is definitely something I don't miss!

Today is the 4th anniversary of my first date with D. I still remember what I wore, where we met, the fact that he was late… We sat and talked and I found him fascinating. Oh if I had had a way of looking into the future! I can't keep playing this game with myself. It's done. No matter what I understand now I can't go back and change any of it.I also wouldn't because I wouldn't be where I am today. I just want to go back and shake the me of 4 years ago. I want to tell her to figure out herself without that driving need to get married in order to figure out her life. 

Friday night was a low key evening in. I cleaned bathrooms and hung out with Jack. Friday was the 6th anniversary of when I brought Jack home. The years have flown! He has been the absolute best valentine's present to myself ever!!!

Saturday morning I went to bikini bootcamp at sassy girl. It's a tough hour! Then I got ready and Mom and I drove to High Point to see my brother and SIL. We stayed with my nephew while they went on a lunch date. On our way up I sent an email to my girls cancelling the party on the 21st.

I had originally said I didn't want to do a party and the closer I was getting to the party the more I still didn't want to have the party. So I let everyone know we'll do something fun this summer because I love them all but we're not going to have the party next Saturday. I have done my best to make sure that throughout this process I have stayed very much in God's word and listened for His voice, I knew in my spirit that having the party would not be honoring to all that He has done for me. From the beginning when things were so horrible to when I left to now my only desire is that my actions honor the Lord.

This divorce was necessary. I have complete peace about the decision. I just can't celebrate because in all honesty I would much rather have seen a real change in D, a true change, and been able to share a story of a marriage that was restored. Every step of the way I prayed for wisdom and discernment. I wanted that story of a miracle but I knew that I had heard all of his promises before. I knew from listening and observing that he hadn't changed. Every time I started to question if I was making the right choices God allowed me to see the truth about D. The FB posts on D's page provided way more information then he realized he was putting out there.

Yesterday morning I ran 11 miles on the treadmill. It was way too cold to run outside! I went home and got ready and I went to the 11 service at church. I had a conversation with a couple after the service. The inevitable question has become, well how is D doing? I no longer have to steel myself not to cringe and I keep it simple. I state that he's doing really well, he has a girlfriend and he's really happy. I explain that I don't really talk to him but from what I understand everything is great. Then the next question seems to be am I seeing anyone. To which I very nicely answer no that's not been my focus. Then the statement well I'm sure there is someone just for you to which I answer that I'm happy to just continue focusing on the Lord and whatever His plan is. Then I find a way to change the subject.

I no longer have to pretend that the question about D doesn't bother me, because it doesn't. The chapter is closed, he's moved on, and I'm no longer fighting for a marriage that was progressively worse rather than better.

I can easily forget the bad stuff most days. I'm glad that I wrote throughout my marriage about what was going on. I can see the patterns. I was able to identify the empty promises. I was able to prepare and implement a strategy that allowed me to move everything out and I am thankful to still be with my parents. I think about the trips that we took and had planned and then I remind myself that those trips were great but the reality of my life was not good. I am at an odd sort of crossroads in my life. I know the path that I am choosing and yet the other path is still wide open and waiting on my to just cross over.

That other path is the path that offers partying and online dating and returning to all my old patterns. For so long I pursued my own way and it's odd to suddenly be on a new path and yet still so easily able to see the other road. I haven't thrown up since July. That is also a part of my old patterns. I have had moments and times when there has been temptation, when there have been triggers. I've simply chosen to continue to walk in the freedom that I walked into last July when the word was spoken and I physically felt the breaking of the hold of that on my life. 

I blocked D on FB the Monday before I filed only to unblock him again that Saturday. I realized that I needed to have friends hold me accountable so I reached out to Tiff and Patrice and I explained that I had blocked him only to unblock him and that come Monday I would be re-blocking him and to please help me break this pattern of checking his FB by holding me accountable. Patrice made an excellent point about it. She said you know that God brought you out and set you free, much like he did with the ED. You have to choose to walk in the freedom of not checking D's page. You have to leave him to God and you have to walk in the knowledge that you are right where you are supposed to be.

This is hard. This is so hard. I am daily choosing where my focus is. I want to internet stalk his GF. I want to create scenarios. I want to dwell on all this so much. Days like today when it's a significant calendar day in our brief relationship are days when the memories seem to hit me harder. I know that this too shall pass. I know that this is all part of the process. I know that when I keep my focus away from D and his girlfriend and his life I make my life significantly easier.

I'm on the other side of the year. I know that from here on, especially once the divorce paper is signed by the judge, I will only continue to walk further and further from it all. I don't want to forget where I've been but I also don't want to stay stuck in it either. I realize that the yes I've said to God might not be easy. I realize that yes is likely to come with a high cost. I'm trusting that as I continue to focus on His plan and His direction my life is going to fall into place in a way that I never could have imagined! 

my side of the street

It's now less than 48 hours until I file.

I found out yesterday that D's new girlfriend believes that he is already divorced. Believe me when I say there was a very real struggle for me to keep myself in check. At the end of the day it's not my place to contact this woman. Sure I could post publicly on FB about my divorce filing but that would completely negate the high road I've managed to stay on during this past year.

I changed my profile picture to Proverbs 12:22 "Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal faithfully are His delight." Then I changed it because I figured that was too much reacting on my part.

I blocked D on FB only to unblock him again this morning. I blocked him due to the most recent post talking about how some people just give up on their spouse too easily. He also liked his own post and liked his comment that he made on his post, hash tag narcissistic. I maintain that if I'm going to go check I do not get to react, I am the one responsible for going there to begin with. For me the whole checking his FB thing is a control thing, and once I realized that I would have gone and blocked him again except FB won't let you block someone back until 48 hours have passed. The reason I block him is so that I can't see what he's posting. I have my privacy settings so that if you're not friends with me you don't see much, as far as I know. D has no privacy settings so anyone can go and see his page. When you block someone not only do they no longer see you but you no longer see them. You don't see what they like or comment on. Especially after Thursday it's time to really truly let go. After Thursday my life will no longer be tied to his (well it has to be finalized by the judge but my part will be completed).

I really try very hard to keep myself in check. Over this past year I could so easily hate him after the way that everything has played out. On so many levels. He promised to love me forever and wait as long as it took. He promised that he had changed. He promised that he had not moved on. Lie after lie after lie. So manipulative, deceitful, charming, oh I have many words but at the end of the day I have to realize that I'm not God. I don't get to sit and play God in the judgement of my soon to be ex husband's character. Do I have strong feelings, absolutely! Do I think that my ex husband is a hypocritical pharisee, absolutely! What I think in regards to him no longer matters. Fortunately for me I have had really amazing Biblical, Godly counsel as I have walked through this process. I already had a foundation in the scripture. Otherwise I would think that I was no longer worthy to be loved by God. If my ex husband and his family is to be believed I am the worst sinner on the planet.

I wasn't sure how I would feel this week. I've prayed over this past year for wisdom and discernment. Each step of the way God has allowed me to see and hear exactly what was necessary although at some points it was very painful to see the truth. When I was visiting Lisa and I found out that D had traveled to DC with his girlfriend it hurt me so much more than I ever expected it would. I had already prayed on the plane on my way to MN for scripture. The verse that I was given was Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us".

When I found out yesterday that he had lied, yet again, I was ready to find a way to "make it right" and make sure that he was found out, and called out! It's not my place. Lies have a way of being found out. If/when he marries this woman you have to put how many times you've been married on your marriage license. You also have to put the date of your divorce. At the end of the day what really matters is that I'm going to be able to walk away and my life is better.

I needed yesterday to remind me, once again because apparently I easily forget, that Thursday will be a day for rejoicing. I would never in a million years have believed that a divorce would be a reason for rejoicing and thanks and yet in my story, in this chapter that is closing, I'll be praising the Lord with all that's in me for allowing me to be set free!

Psalm 34:3-6 "Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me;he delivered me from all my fears.Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles."

Steady

I feel fortunate to have friends that I can reach out to when the crazy starts to overwhelm me. I vented and processed and I feel steady once again.

Admittedly snooping on a FB page is none of my business so whatever I see is, again, none of my business. Seeing D's new girlfriend's comment about him being a "real man" and how she loves him, yeah that was not a good place for me yesterday.

I took a screen shot. I checked back waiting for a comment that stated he loved her too. Instead there was a comment from another person asking if he was ok because he sounded shaky. I immediately took my phone out to the stairwell and listened to the posted video. I'm 99% sure he's drinking again. The video is him singing and in the post he says he cried like a baby. While these seem innocuous I just lived through several years with this person.

So while yesterday was spent trying to get past the whole "love" statement today has been the realization that absolutely nothing changed. Believe me; I should have accepted this by this point. I should accept all the other indicating factors but truly the fact that there is a posted singing video, along with the fact that I know he's been having serious stomach pains again, gives me the clues that he's no longer in active recovery.

 

Knowing the hell that life can be when he's drinking I truly, truly feel a great deal of compassion for his girlfriend. I wish that I could reach out and be heard and be understood in order to protect another woman from the life I just escaped from.