I came home

And at my door was the box of stuff. I guess he couldn't be rid of me fast enough. When I sent the email I knew what I was doing and I was ok with it. Breaking up hurts and I fought long and hard to make this one work.

Tonight the hostess I worked with asked me if I didn't just love the idea of being in love. OK I get playing devils advocate but really I fought so hard. If you look at the early post I was happy and thought this was going to be something that would last. I fought to make this something that would last. I drove to him. I WOKE UP AT 4 AM TO GO CHEER HIM ON AT A TRIATHLON AND HE INTRODUCED ME AS HIS FRIEND.

I am less numb and more furiously hurt. I've tried so hard for so long because I loved him, and I wanted to believe that this one could honestly be "the one". I could accept that he didn't go to church and I could accept that I had to drive to him and I could accept that I wasn't receiving the emails because I understand that once you've been dating for a while things do taper off.

I know that no one is perfect and I had to let go of my idea of perfection. I know that I'll be fine because I always am. It hit me tonight that maybe this was my one chance and I blew it but if I blew it then so be it that just means that there is some other kind of plan for my life.

I hurt, because when it came down to it I did love him but I was reaching the point where I knew that he was never going to know how he felt about me truly if after 6 months you just like someone a lot then that means you're probably always going to just like them a lot.

I really do hate this because he's not a bad guy and I know that he did a lot of thoughtful things but I kept thinking about my brother and how he adores the ground the Jelly walks on and how they would have disagreements and talk them out and they have fun together and that's what I want. I don't want someone who just "likes me a lot".

8 Months

For a relationship that started out with such promise it sure did have a disappointing ending. His response was "ok if this is what you really want I'm not going to argue with you. I'll bring your stuff by your place and leave the key." I did not offer to return the DVD player perhaps I should have but I need it and I'm pretty sure he gave it to me. I think I've already cried most of my tears. I'm at work, closing at the restaurant. When I read the email from him 1 scripture verse went through my mind immediately

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I think I'm still numb, the good news is the new roommate moves in on Monday, fingers crossed.

I was going through my archives

And I found this post and it's worth re-posting!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I pulled from an online story
If a Man Wants YouBy: Salma Rumman (View Profile)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends."A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consistsof two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.
Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies.You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Small World

Lisa at http://lisasyarns.blogspot.com/ mentioned today how sometimes the world feels so small. I'm all too well aware of this phenomenon. I haven't had an FRB post in a while and I had even mentioned I believed the ice was thawing. It would seem, not so much. Monday morning I was actually at the door at the same time as she was coming in so I was nice, held it open for her and said good morning. Then yesterday I was talking to the coworker who sits kind of across/next to me and she needed to speak to him. So she's standing and he's finishing his story and she's getting irritated, because he's talking to me and she goes, "just buzz me when you get done please" and he goes "oh no I'm almost done just a minute". It was chilly over here let me tell you!
So then last night I worked and we had 3 different private dinners 2 of which were drug company dinners. One of the reps for one of the companies I actually met at the first agency where I worked, she trained me. So I was very happy to see her and asked how she was and when she found out where I work now she asked if I knew FRB. I smiled and said yes and she said "oh I've been meaning to contact her will you please tell her that my phone melted down and I lost all my numbers and I've been meaning to facebook her but I've been super busy". So I said I would certainly pass that along and she went on in to her dinner. I thought about it and decided that I would go ahead and shoot FRB an email with this information. Should she ever run into this lady I would not want it to come back that I didn't pass along this message. Yes I can be the bigger person… sometimes :)

This is life

Yesterday I wrote up an email and sent it to MG asking if it was too harsh. She told me I needed to at least make a phone call and not an email. Except last night instead of calling I just went to bed. I broke up with S this morning. I wimped out and did it over email. I wrote it and then saved it and then right before leaving for work I sent it and I think I’m still in shock. I tried so hard to not stress and go with the flow. I know that the primary thought I’ve had is that he’s the best guy that I’ve dated and I shouldn’t break up with him. But the reality is he introduced me as his friend after I woke up at 4am to go and cheer him on at his first triathlon.
When we first started dating we saw each other frequently because we were able to go to the gym together. Once the gym changed ownership and we could no longer workout together we no longer saw each other as often, and I had a feeling that’s what was going to happen. In fact I tried to figure out a way to still be able to workout up there but he didn't seem to understand that this was a big deal. I primarily saw him because I drove to him. Yes he came with me the day we baked cookies for Bean and Jelly's rehearsal dinner and yes he was willing to come down to the lake to spend time with me and I appreciated that but he didn’t come to the wedding and that has bothered me since then.
When I found out that I was going to have consecutive days off I was very excited. When I found at the lake house was open I was thrilled. I scheduled an oil change for Saturday morning and told S that I would be staying in Charlotte on Friday night in order to wake up early and go for my run and then get my oil changed. We had originally talked about going to the Gaffney outlets but when I found out that the lake house was open I decided that I wanted to just have a few days down there. Then he came back with needing to get stuff done around his house since he had to work Monday on his usual day off and he wanted to do his Sunday morning bike ride, and in fairness he does have another triathlon coming up on 8/7. But really here I am and I have free days that I don’t get all that often and I have access to a wonderful lake house and I understand needing to get stuff done around the house, I do but somehow I manage to get my stuff done and can go and run errands with him to BJ’s or wherever he needs to go. I seem to spend a lot of my free time just running errands with him which is fine and I don’t mind but this weekend when I had several days off in a row I wanted to do something fun or at least relaxing. I fall to the bottom of his priority list every single time. The reason it worked so well when we first started dating is because we could go to the gym together. Plus he would sometimes make the effort to stop by when he was close by. I think when we had the big conversation about church and then the conversation at 6 months about where is this going there was a shift in the relationship. I should be allowed to ask these questions. I am not crazy for being almost 31 and needing to have some idea of what direction the relationship is going. I gave S more space and time then I've ever given any guy I've dated and I kept telling myself not to break up with him because he's the best guy that I've dated. But he doesn’t need me in his life. I’m a fun friend to do things with when it’s convenient. I’ve been scared to break up with him because I’m going to be 31 and admittedly he’s the best guy that I’ve dated. I shouldn’t have done it over email but I did. Of course I have the thoughts of have I sabotaged myself yet again. I'm exhausted, I have been for weeks. I got tired of reading about it so I quit writing as much about it because I feel like if it's not something you're going to change or fix then you can't constantly complain about it. With S I'm not sure I've done the right thing, I know I shouldn't have done it via email. I just needed to "do" something in order to break out of this place I've been in. I have examples of relationships and how they work. I know that no one is ever perfect and you can't expect perfection or your idea of perfect but I at least want to have someone who doesn't look at me as a convenient "friend".

Roommate

Ok, so prayerfully I've actually got a roommate. I'm hopeful that this is really going to happen this time. She's a Nebraska girl who is looking to move to Charlotte.
I'll keep ya'll posted as this story unfolds :)

Dinner and Counting Down

Last night was the going away dinner for the manager at the bridal salon where I've helped out several times over the past few weeks. It was a fun night of girl talk and remembering the crazy stories that have happened over the years. The place where we went is in the same strip as the store so it was just a few steps down. This restaurant had done the catering for the sample sale that was a few weeks ago and I was looking forward to trying more of their food. If you want to check out the menu, go here: http://www.cafemonte.net/
The food certainly did not disappoint. The entrée range was around $14-$26. Last night was 1/2 price bottles of wine night so one of the ladies and I split a bottle of Pinot Grigio. I ordered the vegetable plate, a choice of 4 delicious vegetables. I chose the asparagus, green beans, mushrooms and seasonal vegetable which turned out to be tomatoes, corn and carrots. The vegetables were all cooked to perfection and had a wonderful flavor! Several of the ladies ordered the flounder special that looked amazing! There was also a scallops entrée ordered that looked amazing! Next to me was a pasta dish that looked very tasty!! I've also heard fantastic things about the brunch served by this restaurant!
Dinner took about 2 hours and then I was home to do laundry and check email. The evening flew by! I'm counting down the days because this weekend I will have the lake house all to myself!!

Work, Sunday, Moving On

I hope that everyone had some fun over the weekend!! Saturday night at the restaurant we were busy. Not slammed, not on a wait but steadily busy from 6:30 until about 9:30. I was scheduled to close so I didn't leave until almost 11, technically as closer I should have had to have stayed til 11 but I was given permission to leave at 10:40. When you go to bed during the week around 10/10:30 having to stay up past that point working is tough. Mainly because I think in my almost 2 years of working at this restaurant I can count on one hand the number of Saturday nights I've had to close. I've been extraordinarily fortunate in how the schedule comes out and how often I've switched out with another host or hostess in order to not have to close, yes I am that coworker.
I was in bed by 11:30 Saturday night and Sunday morning I fully intended to wake up early and go for a 6 mile run. Well when it was time to get up I hit snooze and hit snooze until 9. Since I was in the nursery I knew I didn't have to be at church right at 10 (not that this is something I do well even when I’m not in the nursery) so I knew that I didn't have to do much in the way of getting ready. I threw my hair up on top of my head, functional and cool!! I put on some old yet still nice capris and an old yet still nice sweater and headed out the door after applying a little makeup. Nursery was not overrun and as usual I had a lot of fun. I've been a part of this church my entire left. I left for a few years but went back and yesterday while in nursery I couldn't help but think about all the little ones who I've kept who are now adults. One of the mom's has 2 little girls and I remember when the mom was born. She is the younger sister of one of the girls that I grew up with in school. Her 2 are oh so much fun and part of the reason why I always enjoy nursery duty these days. Then there is little miss who if you're friends with me on Facebook there's a picture from last July of me holding a baby in my pictures of me. She is now walking and is still the sweetest girl. I read books and helped with puzzles and played with blocks. The main goal is to keep everyone occupied and distracted and most importantly happy!!
After church I went over to my friend AES's new house. She's the younger sister of CF and she is truly like my own little sister. She and SS married last October and they closed on their first house this past Thursday. The house is really beautiful with arches and open space and it's all new and exciting. I'm thrilled for them. It was awesome to sit down and catch up with her! I made sure I was long gone before CF and his wife were even close to arriving. I found out that he's moving to Columbia, SC and sold the townhome that he lived in while he and I were dating. It was the place where I contributed so much and hearing that it has been sold means that whenever I pass that way on my way to our lake house I will no longer think of who lives off that exit. I caught up on all of her family's news and caught her up on what's been going on with me.
I arrived home and took just over a 2 hour nap on the couch with Jack Banner. I woke up and it was storming outside my window. I waited a bit, checked email and blogs and the rain passed. The rain cooled things off and even though the humidity was thick there was a wonderful breeze! I planned a 6 mile route, mapmyrun.com is one of my very favorite running tools. I go on and figure out where I'm going to run and how long it will be. Last night I took a route that I knew would be quite a bit of hills. I haven't really done that many hills since the April 10K. I left my neighborhood and then the uphill climb began. It was uphill until I reached the turning road and then it was flat for a bit until the next uphill climb began. These are more rolling hills then anything steep but it's still noticeable. I made it down the connector road to the next road and I forced myself to run until the intersection then I decided that I was done. When I went back I figured out that I had run 5 and walked 1 and with the route that I did I'm happy. My motivation is kind of lacking since I'm not really training for anything big at this point. This is intentional on my part because of my schedule. This week tonight I'm going to the going away dinner for the manager of the bridal store where I've helped out a few times over the past few weeks. Then I work at the restaurant Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. So last night was my only night to get a run in for a while. Waking up early is not an option I just physically know that I am unable to wake up in time to get a run in, because I would have to wake up at about 4:30 or earlier and that's just not doable for me. My next race is July 24 and it's a 4 miler. As long as I keep running whenever I get the chance I will be fine. I'm not sure that I'll even set any goals for this one simply because I'm not sure what the temperature will be. I don't run well when it's oppressively hot. This race starts at 7:30 and it could potentially already be super hot by the time it starts. So we'll see. I love these shorter races because they're fun and it keeps me motivated to keep running. The next longish race will be a 10K in September so probably mid July or August I will start pushing myself to build up my mileage again. It's very much mental as I know I've run 13.1 before and I know I can again, right now I just don't "want" to. This is why I need to sign up for half because nothing forces you to train like knowing that if you don't train properly you're going to want to die :).
I returned from my run and talked to S, he was on his way back from Atlanta. He had a great time with his brother and I enjoyed having a Sunday where I was able to catch up with my friend and take a nap and get a run in. After he and I hung up I checked email and blogs and facebook one more time. JL caught me on FB and chatted for a minute. He wanted to let me know he was dating someone and I really appreciate the fact that he told me before he changed his status from "Single" to "In a relationship". I'm very well aware of the reasons why he and I don't work as a couple but it doesn't change the fact that he is someone special to me. I know that he specifically waited to change that until he told me and I'm thrilled that he's dating someone and is happy! The way I feel about this news let's me know that I really am in a good place, it didn't hurt my feelings, it wasn't even bittersweet, I'm just happy that he's met someone and is moving on.
After my long nap yesterday it was kind of difficult to fall asleep. Add to this that Jack was sleeping on my legs and I didn't want to disturb him I woke up sore and still tired. After 2 cups of coffee I'm finally feeling awake but I think I might have to splurge on a 3rd cup in order to get me through!

Movie, dinner, and potential roommate

I'm sitting here watching Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood oh my word I haven't watched this movie in a long time, it's making me cry. The acting in the movies is just amazing!! I really do remember why I love this movie.

Last night I dressed cute and drove up to Davidson. S asked what I wanted to do and there is a Tapas restaurant I wanted to try. The flat bread was tasty, but not spectacular. The pork empanadas, they were ok but not fabulous. The crepes, hmm, so not bad but not impressive. The shrimp ceviche disappointing. The BBQ shrimp, drowned in bbq sauce and not anything to rave about. Now the martini list that was something to rave about!! I had the French Martini

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/4 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
1/4 ozfresh pineapple juice
1 twist lemon peel

And it was fabulous!!! We walked a little bit after dinner. It was our 8 month anniversary of our first date. I only realized it after dinner. We were talking and it hit me what the date was.

This morning I had a potential roommate over to view the place. She is super cute!! Starting grad school in the fall and reminded me so much of my friend MFT. She is a doll! We talked for about an hour and a half and she's going to think about it and get back to me. The concern is the size of my place. So I'll keep ya'll posted!

Tonight I'm working at the restaurant I have a feeling we'll be busy so it's going to go by fast. I decided to do my longer run tomorrow instead of today, so today I'm being super lazy!! I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend!!

Friday Thoughts

It's Friday and I had an un-expected free night. I was scheduled to close but they didn't need me. I probably should have worked but I really needed to get in the extra room and get my clothes put away again. I've been using that room to hang laundry in and as my ironing room. It quickly accumulates piles because it gives me more space in my room. So Jack Banner got some quality time in as well.
I just found out that our office is in fact closed July 5, this means a long weekend next week and I am so thankful!!!
In my office we have a Keurig coffee maker. We each buy our own K-Cups and creamer. I currently love the Donut Shop K-cups by Coffee People and the Gloria Jeans Butter Toffee, they are so delicious!!
I'm wearing a strapless denim dress with a sleeveless button down top thrown over it to make it "work appropriate". I'm hoping that the dress doesn't "grow" as the day goes on and that it stays in place. It's so hot outside that the idea of wearing jeans made me hot just thinking about it. So I figured I would break out this cute little dress that I found for a steal at the Grove City outlets in PA for $3.99.
My work routine when I arrive is start the computer up, pull up my email, check to make sure that there is nothing so important that it can't wait for a little bit and then check google reader and read all the wonderful posts that are there. Then I check back numerous times but I'm getting off subject. So this morning one of my blog reads was Kirsten at Results Not Typical Girl http://results-not-typical-girl.com/wordpress/. She makes me laugh, often. Today's post was addressed to the self loathing blog reader. It was fantastic! There was a comment from Karen about how self esteem and weight are 2 separate issues but are often intertwined, which also had my thinking. When I was around 11-12 I truly believed that if I could just be "thin" I would be happy. Many times in my life I've fallen into that thought pattern. Even when I was between a size 4 and 6 I still saw all flaws. I didn't stay that size long, the diet pills are expensive and alcohol has a lot of calories! After I broke up with CF I was a mess. I'd been a mess all along but after the break up I was a completely broken mess. I could no longer even pretend that I was OK. I sat in a therapist's office and after talking to me for a few minutes her question to me was "why do you hate yourself so much?" I was caught off guard, what? That question still comes to mind sometimes. More times a day then I care to admit it crosses my mind that ugh this is wrong or that's wrong, the list is long and goes on and on. The post today and comment made me think back to have I ever not equated being the "right" size with being happy? Why? Where does this come from? Earlier this week I told the story of the mom and daughter at BJ's and how I wondered did the mom's size affect her daughter's perception of herself. I know from reading that my blog moms who I follow are all so awesome about the caution they have when it comes to this topic and their own daughters. I certainly take mental notes to file for maybe someday. There was an article on people.com earlier this week about the supermodel Giselle, she's in a bathing suit on the cover of a magazine and the picture was taken about a month after she gave birth. Um that's great for her that she was able to do that but there is a reason that she is a supermodel. She had help, lots of help. She is not typical. I had the most fascinating conversation with one of my co-hostesses at the restaurant (who is actually a doctor and just studying for her certificate to be able to actually start practicing in the States) she and I talked pregnancy and child birth and weight gain and all this stuff and I got to ask questions and she is my age so we "get" each other. Additionally she's beautiful, and yet she mentioned what she's not happy about with herself and I told her she was gorgeous, because she really and truly is. Yes she named off the features that frustrate her, and I can relate. But why do absolutely beautiful women still mainly just see their perceived flaws? I love the show What Not To Wear and the reason I do is because they truly do a fantastic job of teaching women of all shapes and sizes how to dress and from this grows self confidence. For me it is so much fun to watch Clinton and Stacey take someone who has no clue how to shop or put things together and they teach them how, and then they give them the tools to continue the look when they return to every day life.
We can all probably name things about ourselves that we do like when it doesn't include our physical self but what about your best physical feature? What do you say is your favorite thing about yourself?

On my way home, and then warning a soapbox paragraph

I was driving home at lunch thinking about the fact that it was 11:20 and the temp in my car was reading 95 and my air was going full blast and has been for several days straight now. I was at a stoplight and looked up and realized how beautiful the trees looked in front of me. So I took a picture with my phone which means the quality isn't so great but at least it's an idea of how pretty it is!!
Arriving home I let Jack Banner out of his crate and we went for a little walk so he could take care of things. Because he took care of things I was able to leave him out of the crate for the afternoon. Arriving home yesterday he had left me a particularly smelly mess to clean up which took all the time I had before I had to be at the restaurant.
On another note of smelly messes needing to be cleaned up. I was just on CNN.com and one of the Ireports reads that there is oil that has washed up on the shores of Pensacola, FL. It made me feel sick, angry and hopeless. I know that God is bigger but God also charged us to take care of the earth and everything in it. This has been going on for so long now, much longer then should ever be acceptable. There will be repercussions for the rest of my lifetime because of this. Even during the toughest economic times it seemed that the oil companies never suffered, they were still posting profits. I am by no means an expert on any of this; I know what I know from the articles that I've read. What I truly do not and can not understand is why has this not been stopped? Why does it seem like everyone is talking but no one is DOING anything. This will affect all of us as Americans. It seems/feels like to me that all the big powerful suits are standing around in a circle with their hands in their pocket or scratching their heads and say, oops, oh well, yes that might work, oh nope guess not well what do we try next. I've had trouble reading about this disaster because it hurts, it hurts that the idea of the beaches and animals are never ever going to be the same. I'm actually not very well versed on what's going on because it does upset me so much that I don't read about it at work very often. I just hope that in the very near future someone comes up with whatever it will take to make this stop.

Dreams, TV, Work, and Comments

I'm not sure if it's the heat or just weird emotions but I've been having the most bizarre dreams this week! I can't even remember exactly what this mornings dream was but I know it was unsettling. It's that feeling of waking up out of sorts and having to do a reality check of where you are and what's going on. I also had to think about what day it is. I have been waking up in time to do everything I have to do in order to leave for work on time. This morning I was even able to clean the toilet I plan to attack the tub and sink before I have to be at the restaurant tonight. It's actually a good thing that my place isn't any bigger otherwise I'm not sure I would be able to keep it as clean as I do.
I did lunges on Tuesday night, my legs are so sore today!! I love how something so simple can be so effective!! I have a vhs tape of the Beach Body thin thighs video. I ordered this when I was in college. It still works and I need to pull it out again and start using it. Unfortunately I don't have a DVD version (I don't think there is even one available) but my tv has a vhs player. When I first bought my place I got a deal on a 19 inch TV/VCR/DVD combo. I don't have cable so the TV is just used for DVDs and tapes. The DVD player died last October and S let me have an extra DVD player that he had which is awesome!! I think the local cable company is the biggest rip off going so I refuse to give them money. I use a Verizon wireless internet card. I rely on the internet to keep me up to date on the latest headlines. I think I'm able to get more information this way anyways, if you browse your local stations, CNN and Fox you get a pretty good idea of what's going on then there's people.com for the celeb gossip.
As of right now I'm scheduled to work at the restaurant tonight. If it doesn't pick up for reservations I might not have to go in. While the hours/money is needed really do need to get my house "view ready" for the potential roommate coming on Saturday. I'll be good either way if I have to work or if I have to clean.
Finally for this post of randomness, comments; I love love love comments. I also like to put in my 2 cents, because I'm nosy and I like to comment it's just fun!! I work for a company that has fairly strict internet settings. There have been times when I couldn't even access blogs. Reality Steve is apparently a website I can no longer view from work. The one thing I've found that only changes every once in a while is I am usually not able to leave comments on posts where the comments are after the post at the bottom. If comments are in a pop up window or you switch to a new page entirely then I'm able to leave my thoughts. I do try and remember to go back and leave comments and when I'm at home or the restaurant I'm able to leave comments. Most of the time my blog reading is done at my day job so this inhibits my "commenting" ability. If a post really makes me laugh or I just can't wait to express my view point on something like running or another topic I feel passionately about I will try and email the blogger if they provide their email. This probably makes me weird but when you sit at a desk for 8 hours a day you have to do something to keep yourself sane!!

Breakfast

Yesterday I mentioned that at Target I spent a little more than I meant to at lunch. One of my purchases was this http://jimmydean.com/products/DLights/

It was on sale for $5. I'm fortunate at work that we have a refrigerator and freezer to store food in and we have a microwave on our floor. This sandwich was so tasty!! I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was!!

What happened to Reality Steve???

OK so last season during the Bachelor I found this website through a comment on people.com. I clicked over to www.realitysteve.com. I was thorougly entertained and I never bothered to watch the show but I got all the fun snarky stories and knew the outcome long before the season finale. I also knew who the next bachelorette would be. He's got great sources and always tells it straight and I've enjoyed reading because I really don't have time to watch the shows and normally the contestants get on my nerves anyways.
For the past 2 days I've been trying to get to his website and I can't. When you click on it it's not there. I'm wondering if the site had to be moved or what happened. If anyone knows where he's gone please let me know!! Thanks!!

Errands, It's Hot!!

I went to Target on my lunch. I needed Soft Scrub. Soft Scrub was 3.99 I spent $36. Because while I was there I realized I needed toothpaste. Then there was a special on Healthy Choice frozen entrée's 4 for $7. I also remembered that I'd been craving graham crackers, don't ask me why, so I got some of those too. There were other extras but seriously I avoided the clothes, shoes and beauty products so I'm amazed that I still spent "that" much money. To put it in perspective of where I'm coming from; when I worked at the Hallmark store I made around $7 an hour. I spent in 1 hour the equivalent of 5.15 hours of work at Hallmark. The last time I went I needed 3 things, I got sidetracked by cards and walked out with 2 things plus some other stuff but not the original item that drew me into the store in the first place.
It's hot outside. By 11 AM it was already 89 degrees outside. I'm wearing all black today because, 1. I think it makes me look thinner and 2. I have to work tonight and it's easy. I was at the Stonecrest Target and I walked from Target's parking lot to Harris Teeter and from Harris Teeter back to Target. This didn't make me sweat overly much. The car after Target, that made me sweat! I try to find the shadiest places to park my car and it's still SO hot!! I do love the night time though, minus the mosquitoes!
Last night I was motivated enough to go to the gym. I did weight training, lots of arms and some legs. The squats I planned to do I didn't because each time I went to the machines they were in use. I find that annoying. I was there a little earlier than normal and that meant that they were busier than usual. After the weight training I drove home and did sprints and walking with Jack. I would let him run full out and then we would walk, then run then walk. We did 2.7 miles of this, fabulous cardio!! I was dripping by the time we got back to the house. I'll need to get another long run in on Saturday, once again I'm going to try and wake up super early to get out the door for it!!

Texts Tags and Baseball

I'm not perfect and I don't even pretend. So the story I'm about to tell is honest and about this character who was in my life for a while. At the end of February 2009 I met a guy via Match. Our first date was a Saturday lunch, we met at around 12, we didn't leave the place til 4. We talked and laughed and he was very hot and very nice and there was just excellent chemistry between us. The following day he came over and watched movies with me. Despite every one of my good intentions we hooked up with each other that night. I can't even blame alcohol because we weren't drinking. There was just "something" about him. For a few weeks we hung out but I had the distinct impression that I probably liked him more than he liked me so when the guy from high school contacted me on FB and we started talking I decided it was time to tell the Match guy that I was done seeing him. I can't remember if I emailed him or messaged him on FB but one of the two is how I told him that I was no longer available to hang out. I'm pretty sure he had hooked up with a girl when he was back home in NJ. Oh yeah, forgot to mention he was from NJ and he was just irresistible…. Ok so I told him that I had enjoyed hanging out but was moving on and started dating M3. For the first few weeks M3 was great and then the flip switched and he was not so great. In between M3 and RS the Match guy and I would hang out. I love to bake and he always took home whatever I made which worked well for me. I don't keep baked goods in my house if I can help it. When RS came back into the picture I quit talking to Match guy other than the response to his occasional text of hey how are you what's going on? I can't explain to you what I found so appealing about this one other than the fact that he was hot and bad news and my downfall happen to be those 2 things.
After RS and I broke up I hung out with Match guy but inevitably he would do or say something to remind me of the fact that he was a total jerk and I needed to quit talking to him. Once S came into the picture I didn't hear from Match guy for about 2 months, it was around Christmas when I heard from him and I told him all about my very awesome boyfriend. Well last night I heard from him, it was a text asking how I was. So I responded and asked how his birthday had been since it was back at the end of May and he had just turned 30. He said it was good he had spent it with his family in the mountains. So then we went back and forth about work and he asked how my guy is. Then I asked if he had met the girl of his dreams yet and he says maybe and that they met out in uptown. So then he asks if I have plans for the evening because he wants to hang out. Here’s the deal he and I never hang out without something happening. So I told him I have a boyfriend and have plans already. Then I said if you’ve got a girlfriend who you think is your dream girl why are you asking me to hang out? He says she’s out of state, said they’ve been dating 6 months and 3 months in she moved. I told him that if I was her I would be upset that he was hanging out with his “friend”. He said she was hanging out with her “friend” that night. I told him that probably if she’s the girl of his dreams he doesn’t need to be asking me to hang out. I already knew that I was never going to let him come over or hang out or any of the above, no matter what the outcome with S I’m not going to even come close to cheating on him, he doesn’t deserve that at all. Match guy is a player and I know that, I’ve always known that. I broke up with him because I couldn’t trust him and I knew he would hurt me. My final text that I sent asked Match guy if after 6 months had he dropped the L word yet, I got no response back. Seriously he should have never contacted me but whatever.
After this exchange I was going through stacks of mail (I do have a girl coming to look at my place on Saturday but I have a feeling she’ll find it too small) and I opened an envelope that was addressed to Jack. I usually throw stuff away like that but for whatever reason I opened this one. It was an engraved dog tag for Jack that has the phone number to call should he ever get away from me. It’s just like the ones that Sophie and Snickers have. Seriously it was just so sweet; I was so touched by his thoughtfulness. I had an email this morning inviting me to a baseball game Saturday or Sunday down in Atlanta the Tigers are playing the Braves. I have to close on Saturday night and the game is at 4 anyways and he has to work. Then Sunday I thought about it but I told him that I was going to pass, it would be driving down, sitting for a few hours and driving back and I didn't say this to him but that would be kind of a wasted day for me. Not in that I would be spending time with S but that I wouldn’t see Jack all day and with me gone so much already has it is I don’t want to feel guilty all next week for not spending enough time with my puppy.

Fun Lunch

So weeks ago I mentioned how I've given away bags and bags of clothes and shoes. Hailey at Me and My Boys commented that if I had anymore to give away she would happily take them. I actually had a bag since I had just cleaned out my closet when I switched out my winter/summer clothing. I also had several boxes of shoes. So I messaged her on FB and we agreed to try and meet up. It's pretty complicated to meet up when both your lives are so busy! Today was the day when we were able to meet up. I'm so thankful that she, Madison and Noah braved the heat and humidity to meet me at the mall. We were able to walk around and catch up for bit which was so nice! It's a really good thing I had someone to talk to. It kept me out of the NY&Co store, Oh my goodness do they have some fun summer things in, I must resist!! Noah likes to hear his echo so as we were going through the open parts of the mall he was squealing, it was funny!! He's adorable!! Not to leave out Hailey and Madison, Madison is just lovely and Hailey is as beautiful as ever. It was wonderful to finally get to catch up with Hailey in person!!
Thank you girls for meeting me at the mall and hopefully you got some good outfits and shoes out of it!!

Heat, Running, Observing

I was given a lot to think about yesterday! I appreciate the comments on the long post and I am still thinking about everything. I know from reading blogs from all over that everyone seems to be experiencing the heat wave. It would seem we all went from cold to hot with not much in between. Charlotte hasn't been much different. It's staying in the 90's during the days which makes me just want to stay inside. Yesterday when I got home I knew I needed to get a run in. I was hoping for 4. I got 3.5. I realized that the stifling humidity wasn't "so" bad so I opted to run outside. Since all my races are always outside it's actually better to force my body to adjust to running on the uneven surfaces and in the heat. The temperature last night at 7:45 is about what it will be on the morning of my next race on 7/24. I have a 4 miler coming up. I'm looking forward to it, I know the route and I know that for the most part it's all shaded. This means that there will be no obscenely hot sun glaring over you while you fight to catch your breath in the humidity that feels like it's sucking all the oxygen out of your lungs. I'm just thankful I don't live in Florida or Texas because I know that whatever I'm feeling it's about a million times more intense in those states. Once I wrapped up the running part I took Jack out for a quick walk. Just the short walk that we did wore him out, I love when he's so exhausted that it's all he can do to flop himself on the rug and look at me like "what have you done to me and why I'm I so tired?". Tonight I plan to get to the gym to do weight training, I'm thinking squats, lunges, all those unpleasant ones that I know will help strengthen my legs.
S is talking about eventually doing an Iron Man, I've told him he can have fun with that. I just can't imagine. He enjoys the training involved, me I would be HATING it!! I work out regularly because I know what happens when I don't. Even now at not my most ideal size I know that if I'm consistent with the food tracking and exercising etc that eventually I'll be back where I want to be. 7 lbs is a dress size, the difference in dress sizes is usually about 1 inch. I had an eye opening experience when we were out at BJ's on Saturday. We were going along with our purchases and I looked over and saw a mother and her daughter. The mother's arms were skeletal. She probably wore less than a size 0 and if I had to guess I would say her clothing had come from the kids department. It was a little frightening to look at her. Even more disturbing is knowing that when she looks in the mirror she probably has no idea what she really looks like. Her daughter, beautiful! Probably if I had to guess somewhere between 12-15. Her daughter was thin but in a very healthy pretty way. I wonder how it affects her having a mom who looks like a skeleton. Does she believe herself to be fat? I had so many questions racing through my mind as I observed these two. I just couldn't get over seeing someone so incredibly thin, anything the mom picked up I thought for sure would break her arm. It made me realize that whatever my own insecurities, shortcomings and flaws I do not want to ever pass them on if I have a daughter. No matter how much I dislike aspects of myself I do not want to pass those along. For almost a year I was part of a little girls life. I could never tell her often enough how pretty/smart/amazing she was. I actually had a dream about her last night and in my dream she remembered who I was and we talked to each other. I was able to tell her all those things again and how much I had missed her and how I still pray for her every day. I also talked to her Dad and there was no hate, no animosity towards me. I'm not sure what the dream meant. Maybe it was just closure. If I'm ever blessed with a daughter I want her to be healthy and happy and full of life, not worried that she's too fat!!

Hungry Girl

I've been receiving her emails for a while now. I love them!! So many wonderful ideas and she is just so fun! I'm a fan on FB too!! Today she had a guilt free cocktail that I just can't wait to try. If you're interested click over to her website and sign up for the emails!

http://www.hungry-girl.com/

I just wanted to share since I think she's so great!!

Ten on Tuesday

Lisa at Lisa's Yarns always does a 10 on Tuesday post. Today's was so much fun I decided to borrow/steal it :)

1. If you could trade lives with another blogger for a day, who would it be and why?
I would actually rather just meet my blog friends. I do get to catch up with Hailey (Me and My Boys) today and I'm very excited to see her!!

2. Do you prefer receiving handmade or store bought gifts? Be honest!
It totally depends, I have some very talented friends! Usually I receive store bought although when my Mom works the Southern Christmas Show she usually finds a few fun things to stuff in my stocking so I receive a combination.

3. Would you rather camp or stay in a hotel?
I've camped (it was a very long time ago) I might camp again, maybe. I prefer hotels. I'm a fan of running water within walking distance that doesn't require walking from a tent to a building that may or may not have various insects or amphibians.

4. What’s your favorite comfort food?
It's hard for me to say on this one. Mac and Cheese would be a good start.

5. You’re having a really bad day at work. How do you unwind when you come home?
I cry, and cry and call my Mom and have another meltdown. With the current job I haven't had any bad days (other than stuff with FRB but that's not bad just annoying.) At the previous job there were a lot of days I drove home crying and praying and then I would go run once I calmed down.

6. What’s your favorite chore? (Or, the chore you hate the least)
I like cleaning my bathroom. I'm a fan of sparkling surfaces and since it's just me the bathroom never gets that dirty. I also don't mind doing dishes.

7. What got you interested in blogging?
I was writing on my My Space and my friend PYS had a blog. One day I just decided to move all my posts over after being on her blog. I'm glad I did, I never use My Space anymore and I really should go delete the account.

8. Are you currently reading a book? What is it?
I just finished Eloisa James When the Duke Returns I like fiction romance. I need to pick up the latest Karen Kingsbury, I'm a huge fan of her writing. She's Christian fiction and her stories are just unlike any, she's fabulous!!

9. Do you have a favorite artist?
I don't really, although I love walking through galleries.

10. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yes, when they were filming Taledega Nights the restaurant where I worked was in the same area as the hotel where the actors were staying. I met Will Farrell, John C Riley, Elvis Costello, Michael Clark Duncan, Ali G, I think I saw Isla Fisher but I'm not positive. I've also greeted numerous panthers players as well as John Fox the panthers coach. The former BOA president and his wife come into the restaurant I work now on a regular basis and they are fantastic! I know there's more but off the top of my head I can't remember. When I see them I can't really say much but it's neat to have said I've seen them.

Chocolate & Peanut Butter = Yum!!!

This morning I had an email waiting that said we are celebrating our June birthdays. So for breakfast I had the layered peanut butter and chocolate dessert and a brownie. I justify it by saying I had really small portions. I also plan a run tonight so I'll even out the rest of my calories for the day. I asked for the recipe for the peanut butter and chocolate and it's SO good I had to share!!

Layered peanut butter and chocolate dessert or heaven on a plate!!!
Crust is 1 cup flour,1 stick butter and 1 ½ cups cashews. 13x9ish glass dish, Bake in 350 oven for 20 minutes. First layer is 1 cup powdered sugar, third cup creamy peanut butter, 1 8oz pkg cream cheese blended and then fold in 1 cup cool whip. Next layer is one 3oz pkg, choc pudding and one 3 oz pkg vanilla pudding plus 2 2/3 cups of milk and last layer is just cool whip. Refrigerate til ready to serve.

I apologize, this is a looong one!

Hope everyone enjoyed Father's Day with their Father's/Husbands/Etc. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading how everyone has celebrated and about the wonderful Father's out there!! Friday night I worked at the restaurant. It was a typical evening and I was out by 8:30 since I wasn't working. I was working with my neighbor/friend/now coworker. He and I moved in to our Condos within 1 week of each other. He and his boyfriend broke up several weeks ago and he's going through the process of trying to find a new place. We were having a conversation about S and the previous weeks introduction and following days behavior. He looked at me and said "you're not really in love with him if you are putting time limits on it". I said you can't drop the L word and not have it given back to you. He just shrugged his shoulders and gave me a pointed look. This caused me to think. One of my best friends, MG, started dating her guy about a week before I started dating S. Her guy said I love you after about 4 or 5 months of dating and things for them are going great and I'm super happy for her because it's time that she found someone to appreciate her, she's just awesome and I love her. I've talked to her a lot about S from the very beginning. I mention her relationship because everything between her and the guy she's dating has gone so smoothly. After my friend/coworker made the comment of "you're not really in love with him" I thought about it for a while. I've pushed out conversations from 3 to 4 to 5 to 8 months trying not to rock the boat. It made me think of the line from SATC in season 6 where Carrie and Miranda are talking about Berger and Carrie says "why is it so difficult to admit it's not working". So I began to evaluate of if this relationship is working or not. Honest answer I'm just not sure. It's unusual for me to date someone for as long as S and I have been dating. It's also unusual for me to give a guy as much space as I've given S. The reason that I haven't given this guy the boot is because I understand that of all the guys I've dated he's hands down been the best one. I drove home still thinking about where I'm at and what's going on with me. I also thought about the source of the comment that was making me think and the fact that his perception and version of in love may be different than mine. I've had the crazy head over heels I'm in love with you guys, and those relationships have obviously not worked out for one reason or another. I think to a point my relationship with S is working and I'll come back to this.
On Saturday morning I did make it up at 5:50 and was out the door by 6:15 for my run. I'm so glad I got out as early as I did because any later would have been too hot for me to try and run outside. I was even able to take Jack for a short walk once I finished. I got 6 miles in I need to start building up my mileage again, it's just hard to do with my crazy work schedule. After Jack and I got back I got ready and met my Mom, Grandmother, Aunt and Cousin for a girls breakfast. It was so much fun and we've actually been able to have breakfast on a fairly regular basis recently. After breakfast and driving home to pick up Jack I drove up to S's. We had talked about taking the kayak out but it was too hot for me, he would have been fine but it would have made me grumpy. Instead he needed to go grocery shopping so we went to BJ's. The thing about these trips when I go, inevitably he buys me things as well. Saturday was no exception; I got a bag of oranges and vitamins out of the trip. He asks me if I need anything. This is typical the week before it was the treats for Jack. I can't help but wonder if this is his way of trying to show that he cares without saying the words. We arrived back at around 3 and I told him we needed to leave around 4 for my parent's house. Really we needed to leave at 4:15 but by saying 4 we were pulling out of the driveway at 4:15. Dinner with my parents and Bean and Jelly was wonderful! We got to see pictures from the St. Thomas honeymoon. The food was delicious and everyone had a great time talking to each other. In fact when we were leaving S made the comment that he couldn't believe how late it was. Time flies when you're having fun!
Sunday morning was church followed by my Dad's choice for lunch, IHOP. I was good, I ordered off the "healthy" menu. Mom, Dad, Bean and Jelly ordered from the all you can eat pancake menu. I was only slightly jealous of their yummy looking pancakes! I didn't get up to S's until almost 3 yesterday. I had a cavity last year and the filling has never felt right. It had really started to bother me and I was becoming concerned about it. I also hadn't had a cleaning in over a year, and you're really supposed to have your teeth cleaned every 6 months. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but S is a dentist. I had initially said that I would not let him work on my teeth because that's just weird. I had even tried to get in for a cleaning with a good friend of his who is a dentist who S said he would have this guy work on his teeth. But the day I wanted to go didn't work out and I put it off again. S finally pointed out that he does stuff for other friends all the time and it's really not that big of a deal to do a cleaning. So I had resolved that yes I would let him clean my teeth for me. Well yesterday afternoon we finally got up to his office so he could fix the filling and while we were there he cleaned my teeth for me as well. I was super appreciative that he went in to the office on a Sunday to do this for me. It goes back to the fact that S doesn't say the words but he shows that he cares. So to a point our relationship works.
It was after 7 by the time we got back to his place so I had to pick up Jack and get home.

I feel so out of sorts. Normally I would not still be waiting to see if the relationship is going to work out or not. Normally I would have already broken up with the guy months ago. This time around is just different. My fervent prayer is that he won't be in my life if he's not supposed to be. I have been the one to end so many of my relationships and I have no regrets for ending them. This time around because of the extenuating circumstances I just have this feeling that I'm supposed to wait and see what happens. The biggest part of me wants to just sit him down or call him up and say you know I think you're great but our relationship is just not working for me. The truth I think this would be a huge mistake on my part and one that I would regret. I told him at that 6 months point that I would table the questions for 6 more months. I laid my cards on the table last week after the triathlon and being introduced as a friend. I also realized that when I said what I said I did not expect them to be said back to me. I know myself and I know that I can be impatient and pushy. I've written a lot about this relationship because it keeps me from brining it up to him and beating him over the head all the time with all this stuff. When we are together we just have fun and hang out. All these thoughts that I write out I keep on "paper" in order to not have them spill out and make me antsy and bitter towards him when we are hanging out. We don't see each other that often so I don't want to make the little time he does see me miserable for him and me.
To my wonderful friends/followers who have been reading about this chapter for a while, I know it's probably getting old. I always appreciate your feedback and I'll totally understand if you start skipping these posts :) The good news I'm really not one of a lot of indecision, typically once I know the path I'm going to take I take it. So once I feel clarity then I'll take action! Just not sure when that's going to happen…

It's Friday!!

It's Friday!! Since I kept having to remind myself that yesterday wasn't Friday I kind of feel off, like today should be Saturday yet I'm at work… I closed at the restaurant last night. I enjoy my job of greeting people and taking phone calls and doing my part to make sure the night goes smoothly. It never ceases to amaze me (and by now I should be used to it) the people who walk through the door and completely ignore you as they go into the bar. I greet them but I guess they feel if they don't acknowledge me then I've never spoken. Now I just laugh at it, I think it's horribly rude. Some of the biggest movers and shakers in Charlotte come through those doors and they are always nice and they always speak to me. I think it says a lot about true character.
I feel out of sorts. The letter has gone out regarding the restaurant. I don't have a roommate yet. Everything is up in the air with S. I've been working so much lately but I think I'm starting to get used to it, I'm less tired then I have been. Always before when I worked this much I relied on diet pills for energy and I no longer use them so now I'm relying on coffee in the morning. Honestly I know that diet pills are not healthy but really if I could justify the cost I would totally buy them. Oh well it makes my mom happy that I don't take them anymore.
Jack Banner has taken to watching me leave in the morning. That little puppy face peeking out the window around the blinds makes me so sad. I know once I'm gone he sleeps most of the day but still I feel guilty.
I'm thankful that tonight I don't have to close so I should be home by 8:30-9. This way I can be in bed and asleep and up tomorrow morning for the 7ish mile run I need to do. I'm hopeful that I can drag myself out of bed early enough that I won't feel like I'm going to die from the humidity. Or even if it's humid if I can get out the door before daylight I'll be doing good. I'm having breakfast with my parents and Grandmother tomorrow morning then I plan to hang out with S. Amazingly enough neither of us has to work tomorrow. Then tomorrow night we'll be joining Bean and Jelly and my parents to celebrate Father's Day with my Dad. I'm very excited that we all get to be together again. I get so excited when I know Bean and Jelly are coming to town!!
Perhaps the reason I feel so out of sorts is I know that there are so many things changing. I know that change is good and I know that God is always good and always in control. The control freak part of me wants answers and to know exactly how things are going to happen and when and that they're going to work out "my way". And yet even as I write that I'm reminded that it's not all about me, I'm a piece of the puzzle that God is constructing and he has the perfect plan.

Email from my Dad

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer........

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now may we have our damn loan ??”

The loan was immediately approved.

United States Map

I got this map from here http://www.infoplease.com/states.html

I read a lot of blogs, lots of different states. Geography isn't something I'm great at. So in an order to get a better idea of where everyone is I found this. It's fun to look and see how many states away everyone is. I figured if I was interested someone else might be to, so I decided to share :)

Thursday

This morning my first alarm went off and I hit off. The next alarm went off and I hit off. The final one, well I don't know what happened to it. I woke up with the sheet and shirt lines all over me, you know when you sleep so hard that your body is covered in lines. I looked at my phone 6:36, YIKES. Nothing propels me out of bed like knowing I'm running WAY late!!! I had to leave in 24 minutes. I quickly pulled my hair up in a bun (librarian look but it works when it's hot and I don't have time for the curlers or straight iron) I slapped on the foundation hit the eyelashes with the mascara, added to the eyebrows, took off the excess mascara, brushed on some shadow and finished it off with eyeliner… While I was putting on my makeup I remembered that it's actually Thursday, not Friday. This means that I can't wear jeans until tomorrow. Fortunately I thought of the shirt dress I had worn briefly one day earlier this week that was still clean and not wrinkled. I threw that on with leggings and got Jack Banner outside to do his doggy business. He was looking more than a little hurt when I walked out the door after spending no time with him this morning. I was out the door in 34 minutes and barely on time walking in right at 7:28. Then it took my computer a while to boot up.
Last night S asked me if I would be interested in taking sailing lessons. I do think this would be fun so I said sure. I'm just not sure when we'll fit that one in but I'll let him worry about the details. The official letter has been sent regarding the restaurant where I work. The last day in our location is August 21. I'm not worried I know I'll find something to replace the gig fairly quickly but I will miss my coworkers. It's honestly been the best group I've worked with at any restaurant! Official word says a new location is still being sought, but that's the "official word"… In September I would have been there 2 years, that's the longest I've worked at any restaurant.
We're half way through June and the month of July is going to fly by. Then comes August. How come when I was a little kid summer vacation felt like it lasted forever and as an adult it feels like I blink and summer is gone and Christmas is here???

Why can't he just put a ring on it? Or at least say girlfriend?

Because we're different that's why... I'm feeling a lot better. I've always known that S and I have very different (night vs day different) backgrounds. Perhaps now that we're past 6 months and truly in the stages of getting to know each other I'm really starting to see this manifest itself. I had a conversation yesterday with a friend of mine who is actually the producer that I worked with as her CSR at my old agency. I told her what was going on and her first question was how did he react to what I said? I said he acted normal. She said have I seen him since then? I said that we hung out the whole next day and that he's just him, not any different at all. She said that if he didn't feel that way then he would have split, he would have acted distant and perhaps even mean and he would not be sticking around. Then when I told her he went to see SATC with me she said I definitely need to not worry.
I just had a conversation with a friend/coworker. His wife's family called all their children's boyfriends and fiancés friends until after they were married. He pointed out that S is very private and very reserved and that perhaps this would be why he saw nothing out of the ordinary by introducing me as friend. Then we talked further and he had a good point. He said that of all the guys that I've dated would I have been able to have this kind of conversation with any of them? Not really.
I've already backed off to a point when it comes to S. Part of the reason is the past few months have just been crazy busy. We've both had schedules that are crammed full of have to's. Have to be here this weekend, have to work this weekend, have to do this or that or be here or there. This is life, I'm not complaining it's just the way it is. I have made time for him and he for me but I don't travel up every weekend. It doesn't make sense. During the conversation I was even told don't make it too easy because you will be taken for granted. Perhaps I had already figured this out and was already changing my habits long before now. I know that I don't do well when I feel pulled in too many directions and on these weekends when I'm working both at the restaurant and bridal store, or just working at the restaurant but I have commitments to meet up with friends I stay in Charlotte. I took Monday off for hanging out, just the 2 of us because I do think it's important to make time to see each other. I think sometimes my schedule is just a little crazier then his although he works long hours his hours are more in one place and mine are all over the place.
I am letting it ride for now. I'm not worried, I'm not upset, I've let go of it. I know where I've been I know that he's hands down the best guy I've ever dated. His verbal communications skills leave something to be desired but perhaps in time those will improve, or hey that's why I've always been a huge proponent of premarital counseling. I think you can learn how to better communicate even when it's not something that you're great at. We'll see what happens. When I say the prayer of if he's not the right one take him out of my life I don't pray that lightly. Every other time I've said that prayer the guy is gone within a week or 2. I know that if this isn't the right guy for me then I'm going to know it. Until then I'm learning an awful lot about patience! I'm also learning that I don't always get to have it my way all the time and since I'm "just a little" spoiled this is a good thing!

When I was young I believed that love really could conquer all. The truth love did conquer all. 1 John 4:9-10 "This is how God showed His love among us He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." So the beginning and end of the story is that love will conquer all, perfect love, the love the Father has for us.
When it comes to relationships it's not perfect. I know that my parents love me, no questions. I know that they love each other. S never knew his parents to live in the same house. They split when he was a baby and the divorce was finalized a few years later. So he knew that his mom loved him. I believe on some level he had to know that his dad in his own way loved him but it was very different then what I grew up with. I had 2 parents who were usually happy, they didn't fight very often that I remember. I know that there were stresses and I'm not sure that some of the disagreements they didn't keep behind closed doors but for the most part I just remember a lot of affection. My mom was a screamer. She would get super frustrated with my brother and me and hit the decibel level where we knew she meant business. This didn't happen often, just when we had really pushed all her buttons. She stayed home with us so she was around us, a lot! My brother and I didn't get along until after I left for college. I was 2 1/2 years older and we just didn't like each other, at all. We're good now but it's taken a long time.
S grew up with an older brother who did typical older brother things. His most serious girlfriend who moved to NC with him from Michigan ended up cheating on him. He's dated since her but I don't think anyone super seriously. He's been a little busy with work and moving from apartment to apartment to house and then opening his own office.
My parents met each other in September and married in April. My mom's parents met in February and married in October. My brother met Jelly end of January and proposed in October. My family historically moves quickly once they find the person that they want to spend the rest of their life with. My brother has reminded me a few times that most people don't move so quickly. Bean and Jelly both have parents who have been married a long time to each other. The way our backgrounds were growing up is similar. They were on the same page when it came to details of church, family, future, etc. I believe this is why it worked for them so well and why I think despite life's ups and downs they will weather the storms and be stronger for them.
When I told S Saturday that he hurt my feelings because I'm in love with him I understand that I took a risk by putting that out there. I also understand that I can't say those words and then turn right around and break up with him. It wouldn't be fair. I know him well enough to know I have to give him time to process the information. He doesn't just act (the way that I do) he is way more methodical than that. Because we grew up with such different backgrounds I think it's only fair that I back off and give him space. Not in a bad way just in a giving him the time and space he needs to figure out what he wants. Once the words have been said they can't be ignored and knowing how he is he has to figure out what to do with them. I'm willing to give it another month or even 2 to see what happens. I'm just not willing to settle and once I start to feel like I'm settling for less then what I deserve then it's over.

Weekend

Friday night I closed at the restaurant. I had the best of intentions to wake up Saturday morning for a 6-7 mile run. I woke up at 7 took Jack out, laid on the couch for a minute and didn't wake up til it was time to take Jack out again and then get ready to go into the bridal store. I worked from 12-2 Saturday and then came home to pack and get ready for the restaurant. I worked til 9 Saturday night then I came home put my bags and Jack in the car and headed up to S's place. We had to be up at 4 to leave at 4:30 for his first triathlon. Sunday before the sun was even thinking of rising we left the house. I slept in the car for about an hour. Even at 5 it had to have been about 80 degrees and it was so humid. I set my phone alarm to wake up in time to head down to where everything started. S was in the second wave of swimmers so he was due to start at 6:34. He did awesome on the swim and then next was the bike. He transitioned quickly and took off for the 16 mile bike ride. I was there at the start of the swim, I was there where he came out of the water, I was there when he started the bike ride and when he came back. Again he did awesome. The final thing he had to do was a 5K (3.1 miles). I cheered him from the start and moved over to the finish line to cheer on the runners coming in. All in all he did awesome for his first Tri and I was so excited for him. As we were going to grab him some orange slices we ran into one of the guys he does the Sunday morning bike rides with. He introduced me as his "friend" L. The guy introduced his "girlfriend" and we spoke for a moment, it's a very good thing I had on sunglasses as my eyes would have totally given away what I was thinking at that moment. I got very very quiet. I'm thinking to myself "I got up at 4 this morning to come cheer you on. I've been dating you for 8 months and you introduce me as your friend?"

I waited til we were in the car and on our way back to his place before saying anything. I said you do realize that you introduced me as your friend. He goes "really?" I said you know we've been dating almost 8 months if all you really think of me is as a friend then we don't need to be seeing each other. Well he says that of course he sees me as more than a friend and I should know that and he doesn't think of it like that, like that being that it was perfectly acceptable to introduce me that way. I let the subject drop and we went to brunch.

I went to the gym and got 7 miles in. I was upset and trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. When I got back I finally laid it out. I said "I'm in love with you so it hurts my feelings that you would introduce me that way and I know that you don't feel that way for me and it freaks me out that you don't feel that way and that you would introduce me as your friend". He responds that he doesn't see (and I interrupted you don't see me that way and he said no) he said that he doesn't see it as a big deal that he introduced me as his friend and he is sorry for hurting my feelings. I told him that I know he doesn't feel the same way and I guess we'll just have to see what happens. No I did not get the L word back.

We went to dinner at his choice because he competed in the triathlon. Usually he won't pick a place to eat so any time he would ask me I simply told him that he had to pick because he did the Tri. Brooklyn Boys isn't my favorite but it's not bad either. After dinner we went to see Sex and the City. I told him he didn't have to go but he agreed (I agreed to go see A-Team).

OK honestly I was disappointed. I love the show, love the first movie, but the second... Nothing really happened. I need to see it again on my own without a guy beside me who I know is bored out of his mind. I know that he didn't have to go and I know that he was super sweet to be there with me because he knew how much I wanted to see it. I didn't even really love the fashion. The wedding at the beginning was weird and it was a long time to sit in a movie that didn't really have a point to it. After the movie we went to Walmart for dog food for Sophie and Snickers. Jack was out of treats so I planned to buy some for him but S offered to purchase the treats as well. Today I agreed to go see the A-Team. I liked it better than SATC. Then we went to a late lunch and then I came home. It was definitely a relaxed day, just what I needed.

I'm not sure any longer that I'm letting go of perfect or just not accepting that it is time to cut my losses. I have actions that say I care ie the movie and buying treats for Jack. But I need to hear words too. I can't just assume that because you buy treats for my dog and go see a movie that I know you don't want to see that this equals love. If you can't say those words to me and you're not sure then perhaps you're never going to be sure. I said I would give it 12 months but I'm thinking this may be prolonging the inevitable. I'm not breaking up just yet. I'll give it through our birthdays in August and then depending on what happens we'll either continue to see one another or I'll be breaking up with him. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for but I know that I can't go dropping the L word on him and then turn around and break up with him, that's not fair. I was seriously ready to break up yesterday but I didn't feel right about it. No matter what happens I know that I will be just fine. I'm not worried, I don't want to mess up a good thing but I also don't want to settle for someone who is never going to feel the same way for me as I do for him.