I finally mentioned in my email to S that I've told him how I feel but I've not asked him how he felt. I explained that I didn't need the response over email but would like to talk about it.
He responded that it has become the proverbial elephant in the room during our conversations and if he's honest it's irritating to him that it's even an issue. He would like to talk about it sooner rather than later instead of stewing over it.
I responded that we can talk about it whenever he would like. I'm just sad because there really is no resolution and despite knowing what's right and what I have to do it does not make this easy and as I know it's drawing closer it's becoming harder and harder.
I was sitting at my desk working and praying and the scripture verse that came to mind was Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Chapter 3
September 2004 - September 2005
Adam and I had a date that following night, it was Labor Day night 2004. He was a bad boy and I was always inexplicably drawn towards that type of guy. We went to a local Italian place, we hung out that following weekend. I think we hung out the weekend after that. I had super long hair. I had just kept it long because BT liked it that way and I was used to it. After breaking up with BT I decided it was time for a change so I had my stylist cut it all off. My middle of the back length hair went to my chin. I loved when my stylist did the styling but trying to recreate the effect at home was a lot more difficult.
Adam saw it the night that I had it cut and he acted funny. Then I never heard from him again. He had apparently liked the hair and when I cut it off he blew me off. It was actually a blessing in disguise as I would find out later that he liked illegal drugs and used them on a regular basis. I would run into him one or two more times but he was always ridiculously horribly rude to me whenever this happened.
After that whole experience I decided to try out Match.com. I had joined in order to email Andy(the one I dated not the one that was the catalyst for me breaking up with BT) but had never been on it any length of time and figured it might be a good way to meet people. Just a tip if you're going to have an online profile make sure you put pictures up or otherwise no one wants to meet you.
I had a date with one guy who I don't even remember his name. He was very nice but a lot weird and so we didn't talk again after that. Then there was the guy who I don't think I even met on Match but it escapes me how we did meet. He asked me out for sushi and I was excited as this is my favorite food. We sat and talked for a long time and then the waitress dropped off the check. It sat on the table and sat on the table and finally he was like ok so we're splitting this? I was floored, the guy had asked me out and he expected me to pay??? Once you've been dating for a while it is perfectly acceptable to pick up the check and even after the first date if you know the guy is struggling you can start to offer to pay half or pick up the check but for a first date when he asked you, HE SHOULD PAY. Then he wanted to kiss my goodbye. I gave him my cheek…
I met the next guy the first time for wine at Dean and Delucca wine bar. Our server was actually the husband of Tonya who was a server at the little wine bar and bistro where I worked. He and I each had a glass of wine and sat and talked. He left maybe a dollar tip, I asked Tonya about this after the fact. So I was concerned and not that into the guy but he asked me out for another date and I agreed to go.
We went to a little place that had a nice wine list and since I had already eaten I just had a glass of wine and the guy ordered a salad. We sat at that table for about 2 hours. It was a Sunday so they were not busy but the server did check on us and make sure everything was ok. When it was time to go the guy didn't leave any tip at all. I was HORRIFIED. I worked in a restaurant and I had been a server and to me this is just NOT acceptable. So I watched him drive off in his tacky loud muscle car and then I walked down to the Harris Teeter that was a few doors down. I pulled out cash and went back and handed the server the money and apologized. That guy tried to call me a few more times but I didn't talk to him.
Next was a guy who I thought was good looking and he was very nice but I had no chemistry with him what so ever! I guess I just didn’t have anything in common with him or I don't know, it's weird but we just didn't click. He's actually still on Match, I know because I signed up recently and I know he looked at my profile.
So then after several emails Paul walked into my life. Paul was originally from Wilkes Barre, PA. He had been around the world a few times. He had journalistic skills but was in Charlotte working as a contract employee for BOA. He was fascinating to me.
We met at a little place in 4th Ward and from there went over to another place. We watched the Red Sox win the world series, that was an amazing experience. Then he walked me back to my car and kissed me, I think it was a Tuesday night but I'm not positive. It was October 2004 and I was getting ready to leave on my trip for Boston to visit Marg.
I arrived in Boston on Friday October 29, 2004. The whole city was celebrating the amazing win of the Red Sox. The duck boat parade happened that Saturday. Marg and I had sushi my first night there. We went shopping, we hung out. It was so good to see her!! Saturday night we had Thai food and then went out. It was the night before Halloween and everyone was out in costume. It was a fun evening! The fortunate thing is that we had the fall time change because otherwise I would have missed my very early Sunday flight. As it was I threw everything in my bag and we rushed to the airport and I made my flight in plenty of time.
Paul and I went to dinner that night after I arrived back. We sat outside on the patio because it was still warm in Charlotte. Flying hungover is not exactly my idea of a good time!
Paul was a force, he just had this way about him and he got underneath my skin. But he also had no intention of staying in Charlotte. The pace was too slow for him and he was a northern boy. He and I would hang out for several weeks. His birthday was December 4 and we went out for that. Shortly afterwards he took a job in Philadelphia. He was very happy to get back to the North and away from Charlotte. He could write his own book of stories in regards to his life.
Around the time that Paul was leaving my life I went out one night with Amy and April (RS's wife). It was December 18, 2004 and we were at a favorite little spot of mine in the plaza midwood area. I met Chuck1. Chuck1 is a perpetual bachelor. He likes women too much to ever settle down with one. He has a fantastic house not too far from where we met that night. He was charming and funny and probably a little bit of an alcoholic. He had one serious relationship and when that ended I think he avoided any serious commitments forever after. He had a roommate who he had been friends with forever and Lou could cook, OH MY GOODNESS could he cook!!
Chuck1 was always working on a project around his house doing some kind of renovation. He actually called me after that night and I was pretty shocked. He called me at midnight on New Years Eve 2004/2005 and we hung out a few nights later. He and I started hanging out on a regular basis. I had discovered prescription diet pills and I think this is the thinnest I have ever been. He and I would watch survivor on Thursday nights. I would hang out there on the weekends.
I started looking for places to buy in the area and found my little shoebox/condo. I put the money down for my place in January 2005. Valentines that year was on a Monday. I had to work at the restaurant but that Sunday night before Chuck1 and his roommate had a wine tasting/sushi party and we had an absolute blast! Lou's mom was originally from Japan so he knew how to make all kinds of yummy Japanese food including sushi. In those days I could still drink and be functioning at work the next day, I think about the time I turned 27 I quit being able to do that…
The party is my favorite valentines memory next to adopting Jack! February turned into March, Easter came and went. He and I went for a hike at Crowder's Mountain. It was one of those perfect beautiful glorious April days and we hung out all day long. I knew that what we had wasn't serious but the more time we spent the harder this fact was for me so finally I told him that I just couldn't continue to hang out with him and he accepted this knowing that I couldn't do no strings attached.
My life was becoming crazy busy, I closed on my house in May and moved in. I left the little wine bar and bistro and went to work for an upscale restaurant in Phillips Place. The following weekend after I moved in Marg came to stay with me. She had a wedding to go to. We went out that Friday night and had a blast!! I remember that weekend vividly because it's the first time I ever remember seeing that number on a scale. It's also the last time I've seen that number… She and I had a blast and I was in my new place getting settled. I decided to sign up for Match again and I met Mike 2.
You would think after Mike 1 cheating on me that I would have been smarter and not dated another Mike. PYS moved in with me that July. She and I had been friends since High School and she had offered to be my roommate so I took her up on the offer. Mike 2 and I had our first date sometime in July. He was a raging alcoholic who had his own business.
We hung out for several weeks. He blew me off on my birthday he came by for an hour while I was out at the pool but totally stood me up for dinner which hurt my feelings and to make up for it said he wanted to take me to the beach. So I agreed and scheduled the time off from work. I had also found out I would be a hostess and part of the opening staff for the new Ruth's Chris steakhouse that was in Charlotte, and I was very excited!
Our scheduled beach trip was the weekend after Hurricane Katrina hit. I remember we had gone out for sushi Sunday August 28, 2005 and I was watching the news report of the impending hurricane. After that night I didn't hear from him again for a few days. I was trying to get an itinerary of what the plan was and he wasn't responding to my emails or phone calls.
Finally that Wednesday I heard from him via email, the original plan had been to leave on Thursday and he told me that he just couldn't afford to take the time away from work and needed to cancel the trip. He said that he had lost his phone and this is why I hadn't hear from him. I told him that was fine and I would be going away for the weekend anyways since I had already requested and been given the weekend off from the restaurant. I didn't know what I would do but figured I might head down to see my friend (BT's sister) in Atlanta. Well then he came back and said that if we could leave Friday the trip would still be on. So I told him that if it was going to hurt his business then we didn't have to go and I was ok with it but he told me that it would be fine and the trip was still on.
Friday afternoon Mike 2 picked me up but didn't say a whole lot to me. We arrived at our hotel (which was too far away to be walking distance to anything and we had to take cabs) and he jumps out of the car and walks inside as if he can't wait to get away from me. I follow inside. He realizes that there's a bit of a wait for a front desk person so he goes to the restrooms but says nothing to me at all. He then checks in with the front desk, the first room wasn't good enough so they had to move us into another room.
Finally we're in and he calls a restaurant and his first question is what time do they close and then promptly makes the reservation for that time. Apparently words were not needed because he looked at my face and informed me that it is his right to make a reservation for that time and they should be happy to have him come in and that I need to get over whatever it is I have about this.
I freshen up and we started to walk across to a restaurant near the hotel for drinks and an appetizer but I realized it was farther than I thought so I opted that we drive. He was ticked off at me for wanting to walk in the first place. We get to the restaurant and get drinks and an appetizer. We sat there for a bit and then went back to the hotel to call a cab.
We got to a bar in Charleston and go outside to the patio where we continue drinking. A palmetto bug went across the back of my chair and it was disgusting I was so freaked out by that disgusting cock roach, b/c that's what palmetto bugs are, ugh!! So as we are sitting there he begins to tell me that I'm selfish and self centered and he didn't want to take this trip and he needed to stay in town for business. He also informs me that I am just out to see what I can get from him. I'm in shock as no one has ever been so rude to me before.
I go to the bathroom and send Paul a text message asking if he believed me to be selfish and self centered because I was curious. I shouldn't have asked as Paul informed me that yes I tended to be very selfish and self centered. Now this was all news to me. I had always gone out of my way to be nice and I had always tried to do my fair share and now twice in one night I had been told that I was selfish and self centered and only out to see what I could get.
I got back out and started drinking, heavily. We went to the restaurant where our reservation was a bit early. The whole restaurant was empty and I suggested just sitting at the bar. It's the first time I had ever had lobster and it was truly amazing. After that I don't remember because I drank to forget the rest of the night.
The following day we woke up and went to the beach. After several hours on the beach (and we'd been drinking Michelob Ultra which doesn't do anything to me but apparently did effect him) we decided to return to the hotel. He watched tennis and I went downstairs to the pool. PYS had been to Charleston that previous July and she had been on a dark side of Charleston tour that she raved about. In fact she told us both at my birthday when he had come by the pool for an hour. When she had told us about the tour he seemed interested and said that is definitely something he would want to do. So I called and made the reservation for the tickets.
I suggested that we take a cab into town and grab an appetizer and then we would check in because the instructions were to check in 30 minutes before the tour began. When I originally presented all this to him he was agreeable to it. So I came up from the pool and got ready and we called the cab. We arrived at a sports bar type place and ordered wings and I had a beer and he had a mixed drink. There was some big football game on and people were excited. He wasn't really into football nor either of the teams that were playing but suddenly while we were at this bar he became a football fanatic though I'm not sure which school he was pulling for.
I asked him if he would go ahead and settle up our tab and I would go ahead and check us in for our tour. I didn't realize this would set him off again. I got down to the tour and picked up our tickets (I paid) and then he comes down and is basically cussing me out because that game is on and he wants to be there and this tour is such a tourist trap and you would never see him on a cruise because that is another touristy thing to do and it's just beneath him and on and on and on. So I told him he was more than welcome to go back to the bar and watch the game and I would take the tour and meet up with him later. He says no the tickets have already been paid for but this is the dumbest thing he's ever done and it's so stupid he can't believe he's going, etc. If felt bad for the others taking the tour.
Shortly into the tour he shut up and started getting into it. It was a very cool exploration of Charleston and the place where the slaves were sold, and the whore houses and different areas that were historical. At the end of the tour he informs me that he's so glad he thought of it. We go into a blues bar type restaurant and I have to use the restroom and he orders a drink. Then we went on to another restaurant and he orders another drink. By this time I'm getting a headache. He wants to hear music and the original place where we started out has a live band playing at this point. So we go and he has to sit as close to the noise as possible.
I had to take a phone call and I come back to the table and ordered food. Then he starts in on me again. That I'm selfish and self centered and that he shouldn't be there this weekend that he has a lot of pressing issues at his office and that I'm just trying to see how much I can get out of him. He goes to dance and comes back wanting me to dance with him; I refuse because at this point I just want to leave. He gets louder and louder and more and more abusive. I don't remember all the things said and finally he leaves to go out on the dance floor.
The couple at the table across from us gets up to leave and comes over asking me if I need a ride home. I thanked them and explained that I was from out of town and after tomorrow it would all be over. They left and my food arrived and I went ahead and settled up with the waitress for our food and his drinks to this point. He comes back and sees me signing the check and tells me that it's about time I paid for something and I'm such a gold digger and on and on and on. Finally I'd had enough and I stood up, he asks where I was going I tell him I'm going to the restroom.
I walked around the corner and out the front door. Cabs were lined up all down the road and I jumped in the first one I came to. I asked him to take me back to my hotel but first we had to stop at the hotel in front of mine so I could pull out cash to pay him. I then went into my hotel told them I needed an escort to get my things out of the room and I needed my own room preferably on the other side of the hotel away from that room. I get my things, get into my new room and call PYS to let her know what has happened.
She is babysitting and doesn't immediately answer but calls me right back. She makes a phone call to friends of hers and they agree to come pick me up the next day. I paid for their gas and they drove me to meet her in Columbia. Before they pick me up I have to stay the night in the hotel. About an hour goes by and Mike2 realizes that I've gone and he doesn't know where I am so he starts calling me. I don't want to talk to him and PYS doesn't think it's a good idea so she calls him to inform him that I am safe and fine and he should not contact me further. He then proceeds to blow up her phone and my phone with messages.
The next morning I had 43 voice mail messages. They ranged from he was sorry to I was a selfish self centered b(*&. It was awful and I was so scared I might run into him, I need not have worried. PYS would find out that he was so totally wasted that he slept through check out and stayed in Charleston another day. I had left a few things behind and PYS was amazing and met Mike2 in a parking lot the following weekend to get my things she also told him not to ever ever contact me again.
I heard from him about 2 weeks later he left a 3 minute long voice mail he was drunk and rambling and after that I never heard from him again. Fortunately I've never run into him again either as he lives around the corner from me. It was after this experience that PYS informed me I needed to take a break from dating for a little bit. I fully intended to do this…
Adam and I had a date that following night, it was Labor Day night 2004. He was a bad boy and I was always inexplicably drawn towards that type of guy. We went to a local Italian place, we hung out that following weekend. I think we hung out the weekend after that. I had super long hair. I had just kept it long because BT liked it that way and I was used to it. After breaking up with BT I decided it was time for a change so I had my stylist cut it all off. My middle of the back length hair went to my chin. I loved when my stylist did the styling but trying to recreate the effect at home was a lot more difficult.
Adam saw it the night that I had it cut and he acted funny. Then I never heard from him again. He had apparently liked the hair and when I cut it off he blew me off. It was actually a blessing in disguise as I would find out later that he liked illegal drugs and used them on a regular basis. I would run into him one or two more times but he was always ridiculously horribly rude to me whenever this happened.
After that whole experience I decided to try out Match.com. I had joined in order to email Andy(the one I dated not the one that was the catalyst for me breaking up with BT) but had never been on it any length of time and figured it might be a good way to meet people. Just a tip if you're going to have an online profile make sure you put pictures up or otherwise no one wants to meet you.
I had a date with one guy who I don't even remember his name. He was very nice but a lot weird and so we didn't talk again after that. Then there was the guy who I don't think I even met on Match but it escapes me how we did meet. He asked me out for sushi and I was excited as this is my favorite food. We sat and talked for a long time and then the waitress dropped off the check. It sat on the table and sat on the table and finally he was like ok so we're splitting this? I was floored, the guy had asked me out and he expected me to pay??? Once you've been dating for a while it is perfectly acceptable to pick up the check and even after the first date if you know the guy is struggling you can start to offer to pay half or pick up the check but for a first date when he asked you, HE SHOULD PAY. Then he wanted to kiss my goodbye. I gave him my cheek…
I met the next guy the first time for wine at Dean and Delucca wine bar. Our server was actually the husband of Tonya who was a server at the little wine bar and bistro where I worked. He and I each had a glass of wine and sat and talked. He left maybe a dollar tip, I asked Tonya about this after the fact. So I was concerned and not that into the guy but he asked me out for another date and I agreed to go.
We went to a little place that had a nice wine list and since I had already eaten I just had a glass of wine and the guy ordered a salad. We sat at that table for about 2 hours. It was a Sunday so they were not busy but the server did check on us and make sure everything was ok. When it was time to go the guy didn't leave any tip at all. I was HORRIFIED. I worked in a restaurant and I had been a server and to me this is just NOT acceptable. So I watched him drive off in his tacky loud muscle car and then I walked down to the Harris Teeter that was a few doors down. I pulled out cash and went back and handed the server the money and apologized. That guy tried to call me a few more times but I didn't talk to him.
Next was a guy who I thought was good looking and he was very nice but I had no chemistry with him what so ever! I guess I just didn’t have anything in common with him or I don't know, it's weird but we just didn't click. He's actually still on Match, I know because I signed up recently and I know he looked at my profile.
So then after several emails Paul walked into my life. Paul was originally from Wilkes Barre, PA. He had been around the world a few times. He had journalistic skills but was in Charlotte working as a contract employee for BOA. He was fascinating to me.
We met at a little place in 4th Ward and from there went over to another place. We watched the Red Sox win the world series, that was an amazing experience. Then he walked me back to my car and kissed me, I think it was a Tuesday night but I'm not positive. It was October 2004 and I was getting ready to leave on my trip for Boston to visit Marg.
I arrived in Boston on Friday October 29, 2004. The whole city was celebrating the amazing win of the Red Sox. The duck boat parade happened that Saturday. Marg and I had sushi my first night there. We went shopping, we hung out. It was so good to see her!! Saturday night we had Thai food and then went out. It was the night before Halloween and everyone was out in costume. It was a fun evening! The fortunate thing is that we had the fall time change because otherwise I would have missed my very early Sunday flight. As it was I threw everything in my bag and we rushed to the airport and I made my flight in plenty of time.
Paul and I went to dinner that night after I arrived back. We sat outside on the patio because it was still warm in Charlotte. Flying hungover is not exactly my idea of a good time!
Paul was a force, he just had this way about him and he got underneath my skin. But he also had no intention of staying in Charlotte. The pace was too slow for him and he was a northern boy. He and I would hang out for several weeks. His birthday was December 4 and we went out for that. Shortly afterwards he took a job in Philadelphia. He was very happy to get back to the North and away from Charlotte. He could write his own book of stories in regards to his life.
Around the time that Paul was leaving my life I went out one night with Amy and April (RS's wife). It was December 18, 2004 and we were at a favorite little spot of mine in the plaza midwood area. I met Chuck1. Chuck1 is a perpetual bachelor. He likes women too much to ever settle down with one. He has a fantastic house not too far from where we met that night. He was charming and funny and probably a little bit of an alcoholic. He had one serious relationship and when that ended I think he avoided any serious commitments forever after. He had a roommate who he had been friends with forever and Lou could cook, OH MY GOODNESS could he cook!!
Chuck1 was always working on a project around his house doing some kind of renovation. He actually called me after that night and I was pretty shocked. He called me at midnight on New Years Eve 2004/2005 and we hung out a few nights later. He and I started hanging out on a regular basis. I had discovered prescription diet pills and I think this is the thinnest I have ever been. He and I would watch survivor on Thursday nights. I would hang out there on the weekends.
I started looking for places to buy in the area and found my little shoebox/condo. I put the money down for my place in January 2005. Valentines that year was on a Monday. I had to work at the restaurant but that Sunday night before Chuck1 and his roommate had a wine tasting/sushi party and we had an absolute blast! Lou's mom was originally from Japan so he knew how to make all kinds of yummy Japanese food including sushi. In those days I could still drink and be functioning at work the next day, I think about the time I turned 27 I quit being able to do that…
The party is my favorite valentines memory next to adopting Jack! February turned into March, Easter came and went. He and I went for a hike at Crowder's Mountain. It was one of those perfect beautiful glorious April days and we hung out all day long. I knew that what we had wasn't serious but the more time we spent the harder this fact was for me so finally I told him that I just couldn't continue to hang out with him and he accepted this knowing that I couldn't do no strings attached.
My life was becoming crazy busy, I closed on my house in May and moved in. I left the little wine bar and bistro and went to work for an upscale restaurant in Phillips Place. The following weekend after I moved in Marg came to stay with me. She had a wedding to go to. We went out that Friday night and had a blast!! I remember that weekend vividly because it's the first time I ever remember seeing that number on a scale. It's also the last time I've seen that number… She and I had a blast and I was in my new place getting settled. I decided to sign up for Match again and I met Mike 2.
You would think after Mike 1 cheating on me that I would have been smarter and not dated another Mike. PYS moved in with me that July. She and I had been friends since High School and she had offered to be my roommate so I took her up on the offer. Mike 2 and I had our first date sometime in July. He was a raging alcoholic who had his own business.
We hung out for several weeks. He blew me off on my birthday he came by for an hour while I was out at the pool but totally stood me up for dinner which hurt my feelings and to make up for it said he wanted to take me to the beach. So I agreed and scheduled the time off from work. I had also found out I would be a hostess and part of the opening staff for the new Ruth's Chris steakhouse that was in Charlotte, and I was very excited!
Our scheduled beach trip was the weekend after Hurricane Katrina hit. I remember we had gone out for sushi Sunday August 28, 2005 and I was watching the news report of the impending hurricane. After that night I didn't hear from him again for a few days. I was trying to get an itinerary of what the plan was and he wasn't responding to my emails or phone calls.
Finally that Wednesday I heard from him via email, the original plan had been to leave on Thursday and he told me that he just couldn't afford to take the time away from work and needed to cancel the trip. He said that he had lost his phone and this is why I hadn't hear from him. I told him that was fine and I would be going away for the weekend anyways since I had already requested and been given the weekend off from the restaurant. I didn't know what I would do but figured I might head down to see my friend (BT's sister) in Atlanta. Well then he came back and said that if we could leave Friday the trip would still be on. So I told him that if it was going to hurt his business then we didn't have to go and I was ok with it but he told me that it would be fine and the trip was still on.
Friday afternoon Mike 2 picked me up but didn't say a whole lot to me. We arrived at our hotel (which was too far away to be walking distance to anything and we had to take cabs) and he jumps out of the car and walks inside as if he can't wait to get away from me. I follow inside. He realizes that there's a bit of a wait for a front desk person so he goes to the restrooms but says nothing to me at all. He then checks in with the front desk, the first room wasn't good enough so they had to move us into another room.
Finally we're in and he calls a restaurant and his first question is what time do they close and then promptly makes the reservation for that time. Apparently words were not needed because he looked at my face and informed me that it is his right to make a reservation for that time and they should be happy to have him come in and that I need to get over whatever it is I have about this.
I freshen up and we started to walk across to a restaurant near the hotel for drinks and an appetizer but I realized it was farther than I thought so I opted that we drive. He was ticked off at me for wanting to walk in the first place. We get to the restaurant and get drinks and an appetizer. We sat there for a bit and then went back to the hotel to call a cab.
We got to a bar in Charleston and go outside to the patio where we continue drinking. A palmetto bug went across the back of my chair and it was disgusting I was so freaked out by that disgusting cock roach, b/c that's what palmetto bugs are, ugh!! So as we are sitting there he begins to tell me that I'm selfish and self centered and he didn't want to take this trip and he needed to stay in town for business. He also informs me that I am just out to see what I can get from him. I'm in shock as no one has ever been so rude to me before.
I go to the bathroom and send Paul a text message asking if he believed me to be selfish and self centered because I was curious. I shouldn't have asked as Paul informed me that yes I tended to be very selfish and self centered. Now this was all news to me. I had always gone out of my way to be nice and I had always tried to do my fair share and now twice in one night I had been told that I was selfish and self centered and only out to see what I could get.
I got back out and started drinking, heavily. We went to the restaurant where our reservation was a bit early. The whole restaurant was empty and I suggested just sitting at the bar. It's the first time I had ever had lobster and it was truly amazing. After that I don't remember because I drank to forget the rest of the night.
The following day we woke up and went to the beach. After several hours on the beach (and we'd been drinking Michelob Ultra which doesn't do anything to me but apparently did effect him) we decided to return to the hotel. He watched tennis and I went downstairs to the pool. PYS had been to Charleston that previous July and she had been on a dark side of Charleston tour that she raved about. In fact she told us both at my birthday when he had come by the pool for an hour. When she had told us about the tour he seemed interested and said that is definitely something he would want to do. So I called and made the reservation for the tickets.
I suggested that we take a cab into town and grab an appetizer and then we would check in because the instructions were to check in 30 minutes before the tour began. When I originally presented all this to him he was agreeable to it. So I came up from the pool and got ready and we called the cab. We arrived at a sports bar type place and ordered wings and I had a beer and he had a mixed drink. There was some big football game on and people were excited. He wasn't really into football nor either of the teams that were playing but suddenly while we were at this bar he became a football fanatic though I'm not sure which school he was pulling for.
I asked him if he would go ahead and settle up our tab and I would go ahead and check us in for our tour. I didn't realize this would set him off again. I got down to the tour and picked up our tickets (I paid) and then he comes down and is basically cussing me out because that game is on and he wants to be there and this tour is such a tourist trap and you would never see him on a cruise because that is another touristy thing to do and it's just beneath him and on and on and on. So I told him he was more than welcome to go back to the bar and watch the game and I would take the tour and meet up with him later. He says no the tickets have already been paid for but this is the dumbest thing he's ever done and it's so stupid he can't believe he's going, etc. If felt bad for the others taking the tour.
Shortly into the tour he shut up and started getting into it. It was a very cool exploration of Charleston and the place where the slaves were sold, and the whore houses and different areas that were historical. At the end of the tour he informs me that he's so glad he thought of it. We go into a blues bar type restaurant and I have to use the restroom and he orders a drink. Then we went on to another restaurant and he orders another drink. By this time I'm getting a headache. He wants to hear music and the original place where we started out has a live band playing at this point. So we go and he has to sit as close to the noise as possible.
I had to take a phone call and I come back to the table and ordered food. Then he starts in on me again. That I'm selfish and self centered and that he shouldn't be there this weekend that he has a lot of pressing issues at his office and that I'm just trying to see how much I can get out of him. He goes to dance and comes back wanting me to dance with him; I refuse because at this point I just want to leave. He gets louder and louder and more and more abusive. I don't remember all the things said and finally he leaves to go out on the dance floor.
The couple at the table across from us gets up to leave and comes over asking me if I need a ride home. I thanked them and explained that I was from out of town and after tomorrow it would all be over. They left and my food arrived and I went ahead and settled up with the waitress for our food and his drinks to this point. He comes back and sees me signing the check and tells me that it's about time I paid for something and I'm such a gold digger and on and on and on. Finally I'd had enough and I stood up, he asks where I was going I tell him I'm going to the restroom.
I walked around the corner and out the front door. Cabs were lined up all down the road and I jumped in the first one I came to. I asked him to take me back to my hotel but first we had to stop at the hotel in front of mine so I could pull out cash to pay him. I then went into my hotel told them I needed an escort to get my things out of the room and I needed my own room preferably on the other side of the hotel away from that room. I get my things, get into my new room and call PYS to let her know what has happened.
She is babysitting and doesn't immediately answer but calls me right back. She makes a phone call to friends of hers and they agree to come pick me up the next day. I paid for their gas and they drove me to meet her in Columbia. Before they pick me up I have to stay the night in the hotel. About an hour goes by and Mike2 realizes that I've gone and he doesn't know where I am so he starts calling me. I don't want to talk to him and PYS doesn't think it's a good idea so she calls him to inform him that I am safe and fine and he should not contact me further. He then proceeds to blow up her phone and my phone with messages.
The next morning I had 43 voice mail messages. They ranged from he was sorry to I was a selfish self centered b(*&. It was awful and I was so scared I might run into him, I need not have worried. PYS would find out that he was so totally wasted that he slept through check out and stayed in Charleston another day. I had left a few things behind and PYS was amazing and met Mike2 in a parking lot the following weekend to get my things she also told him not to ever ever contact me again.
I heard from him about 2 weeks later he left a 3 minute long voice mail he was drunk and rambling and after that I never heard from him again. Fortunately I've never run into him again either as he lives around the corner from me. It was after this experience that PYS informed me I needed to take a break from dating for a little bit. I fully intended to do this…
Monday, March 29, 2010
Chapter 2
This chapter takes place in at a point in my life where I was still very much rebelling against all the things that I learned growing up so there are actions and behaviors that do not mesh with my life now but they are a part of what has made me who I am today.
September 2001-September 2004
September 2001 I took an internship at the public television station in Charlotte. Jobs were already hard to come by and then 9/11 happened. BT and I broke up in October 2001 and DM briefly entered the picture again. He was finishing up school and he and I went to the Viking function that was an annual event for ATO. After that we went to homecoming together but then we were in two different places and I just had to let that go.
In January of 2002 RS and I ran into each other while I was out with a friend. He had just ended his engagement and was getting ready to move out of the house that they shared. He took me to lunch at Olive Garden the next day. He started calling me and we would email back and forth all day long. I fell head over heels and he just wanted to be friends but he wanted to call and email me all the time. I was still doing the internship which had turned into a part time paid position. Then I was also working at a restaurant as a server/hostess. I got RS a job as a server there as well.
I would meet my first roommate after college at this job, Amy bartended on the side. The owner of this restaurant was horrible, she bounced our checks and fired our manager. We in turn all found new jobs. I went to work at the front desk for a staffing agency. Then I took a part time job at Jessica McClintock. Looking back now I appreciate both the jobs. The day job was super easy, the night job allowed me to shop while I worked and then I would go out with Marg.
Marg and I met when I lived in that apartment where Tifanny and I sublet the room. She moved to Charlotte after graduating and she and I would hang out. Her place was uptown so we would go out and then walk home. Talk about some fabulous summertime memories!!! The store closed at 9 and I was out by 9:30 and to her place by 10 and we were out by 11. I loved the dressing up and going out, we would start at Cosmos and then on to wherever the next place was where everyone was going.
July 2002 on a whim I contacted RS and he informed me that the girl he’d been sleeping with, who was also his neighbor, was pregnant. So I let him back into my life and he would hang out with us over that summer, sometimes, he really got on Marg’s nerves and she couldn’t stand him. It’s important to note that with everything that had happened with RS I dropped 20 pounds and was super thin. As a result I started receiving more attention when we would go out. This was a whole new world because never before had I had this experience.
September 2002 RS was dealing with baby mama drama. I decided it was time to try and meet someone nice and get RS out of my system. I was browsing thru match profiles at work and came across one saying he was looking for his best friend. I signed up so I could contact him and sent him an email. We had our first date and then about 2 weeks in he took me to Myrtle Beach for the weekend. Andy was turning 30 and freaked about not being married with kids yet. He was actually not a bad person, I think that probably had I not been so screwed up I either never would have dated him or it would have ended differently. I’m not sure.
He asked me to marry him about 6 weeks into dating. His parents took us along with the rest of his family to dinner at Sullivan’s and then his family threw him a party that I went to with my friend Margs who was in town. After that party Margs and I met up with RS and I cheated on AP so I had to break up with him because I knew that if you cheat then you are not supposed to be with that person. RS hated Andy and told me that he loved me in order to get me to break up with him.
I took RS out for his birthday about a month later. At the end of the night RS was hitting on some other chick at the bar. I was livid and SO hurt. I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks. Turns out that the girl he was hitting on, her name was April. he took her home and then married her 6 months later in May 2003. His little boy was born February 2003.
In December 2002 I met MN. He was way older than me, 37 or 38 to my 23. He was originally from Sweden and had come to the states to be a pilot. He did odd jobs I’m not sure why I ever dated him other than needing to move on after Andy and RS and that whole mess. I wanted to be married and MN was older so I guess maybe I thought that he would be ready for marriage as well. Except he’d only been divorced for 2 years and wasn’t willing to jump into anything.
This did save me the cost of a divorce because there is no way I would have stayed married to that one. MN MN and I dated until September 2003. Then I just couldn’t take him anymore and I broke up with him. I knew I was going to break up with him so my dumb self bought him a plane ticket to Sweden for his birthday before the break up and then a day later I dumped him. Shortly after this I drove down to Atlanta to visit BT and see his new place that he had just purchased. Wouldn’t you know it… nope we didn’t get back together but we had a lot of fun.
I returned to Charlotte and picked up a second job in October I briefly dated Mike, and he cheated on me. What made it even better he cheated on me with the bartender who worked at the restaurant where I worked. Then he would come in and visit her and sit at the bar. Around the time that I started this job I ended up going out one night with Amy (she had been my first roommate but when I took the job at the bridal store in Charlotte I had to move back in with mom and dad)well Amy had become friends with RS's new wife April. So RS's new wife and I got to know each other and we became friends.
I was no longer speaking to RS but I would talk to his wife. I left that restaurant job and went to work as a hostess at a little wine bar and bistro in January 2004. After the whole Mike thing I went down to visit BT and soothe my hurt ego. We had a lot of fun and went to a party that was for the Scottish Society of Atlanta and did some other things that weekend that just made me realize how much I liked BT. So in January 2004 BT and I decided to try and see if a long distance relationship could work between us and I started looking for jobs in Atlanta.
I would go down to visit about every other weekend. He visited me once in March and then he came up for Marg's wedding that April. I remember it was at that wedding where one I said the L word to him and 2 I realized I didn't like how he treated people. We were sitting at a table at brunch the day after the wedding with friends of mine and they were actually some of Marg's family and he was just rude. It made me pause but I continued dating him. In July I had a family reunion in Pigeon Forge, I stopped over in Knoxville to visit Margs and we went out dancing that night and had so much fun!! The next day I drove in to Pigeon Forge to spend the rest of the weekend with my family.
It was during this trip that BT's family was calling my phone because they needed to get ahold of him and he wouldn't return their phone calls. It was then that I realized I didn't like the way he treated his family either. They would often try and call and he would either not answer or take days to respond back to them.
I visited BT during that summer and I would often take a Friday off and drive down and he would work all day Friday and then sometimes he was working some of Saturday which meant that I spent a lot of time on my own. This started to bother me as I was taking my time and driving down to hang out and he didn't really make much time for me.
My birthday weekend Blondie was playing in an outdoor concert down there and I got tickets and was so excited about this. I arrived down on Thursday and the concert was the following day. That day he went on to work and I decided to try and help him organize his place, there were boxes and stuff that had never been unpacked and there were people coming over. He had this really big chest that he used to store clothes and towels in but no longer did and I never knew the reason why and I decided to use it. Well when he got home that afternoon he was furious with me. Apparently that chest had mold and he is highly allergic to mold and that was the reason he had quit using it. I was trying to be helpful but had overstepped my bounds and ticked him off so the rest of the weekend was affected by this event.
He took me to a really nice dinner the following night and Sunday before I left told me he would pay rent for the first month once I moved down. The plan had originally been I would move in May but I kept pushing the date out because I didn't have a job and I didn't have the money to move. His sister had told me I could stay in her extra room I just had to help her clean and organize the room. I had another trip planned to have that night with her and then I would drive on into Atlanta the following night to hang out with BT.
I had taken that Friday off, this was early September or the very end of August I don't remember exactly. My friend Marg was leaving me for Grad School and I was pretty devastated. I had already told her I would come visit but I was so incredibly sad she was moving away.
She and I went to one of our favorite restaurants and we had a few margarita's then we went to another spot where we had spent many nights hanging out had a few more drinks and I think some shots. I met Andy (another one) at this second place and he was some kind of banker or something. He had just moved to Charlotte, he was tall and incredibly good looking (I wasn't sober when I first met him but I wasn't drunk either I was that in between) and I kept telling him that I had a boyfriend. In fact I repeated that many many times throughout the several hours we were all hanging out. We ended up at another place and then another and after that is when the night blacks out for me.
I had only eaten the one meal that day and then I had way too much to drink to this day I can't tell you anything that happened. The next morning was not pleasant. I realized that since I had cheated on my boyfriend I had to break up with him, because there was one thing that did happen that I don't remember but it happened.
I drove down to Atlanta for my girls night with BT's sister. She and I watched SATC and had dinner and talked. The next day we tackled her extra bedroom and got it cleaned and organized and then I had to head down to the city to break up with BT. My plan was to break up and drive back but I was hysterically crying and he wouldn't let me leave. We broke up that night and I drove home the next morning early. All my plans to move where now null and void.
Looking back I have come to realize that part of my biggest concern over BT was the fact that he didn't make room for me in his life when I was just visiting on the weekends so why would he have ever made time for me when I moved there for him. Upon returning home it was Labor Day weekend and I had Monday off so Sunday night I met up with RS's wife and RS was there but I pretty much ignored him. They were out with their group of friends and their friend Adam thought I was pretty cute… And he asked me out on a date for the following night
September 2001-September 2004
September 2001 I took an internship at the public television station in Charlotte. Jobs were already hard to come by and then 9/11 happened. BT and I broke up in October 2001 and DM briefly entered the picture again. He was finishing up school and he and I went to the Viking function that was an annual event for ATO. After that we went to homecoming together but then we were in two different places and I just had to let that go.
In January of 2002 RS and I ran into each other while I was out with a friend. He had just ended his engagement and was getting ready to move out of the house that they shared. He took me to lunch at Olive Garden the next day. He started calling me and we would email back and forth all day long. I fell head over heels and he just wanted to be friends but he wanted to call and email me all the time. I was still doing the internship which had turned into a part time paid position. Then I was also working at a restaurant as a server/hostess. I got RS a job as a server there as well.
I would meet my first roommate after college at this job, Amy bartended on the side. The owner of this restaurant was horrible, she bounced our checks and fired our manager. We in turn all found new jobs. I went to work at the front desk for a staffing agency. Then I took a part time job at Jessica McClintock. Looking back now I appreciate both the jobs. The day job was super easy, the night job allowed me to shop while I worked and then I would go out with Marg.
Marg and I met when I lived in that apartment where Tifanny and I sublet the room. She moved to Charlotte after graduating and she and I would hang out. Her place was uptown so we would go out and then walk home. Talk about some fabulous summertime memories!!! The store closed at 9 and I was out by 9:30 and to her place by 10 and we were out by 11. I loved the dressing up and going out, we would start at Cosmos and then on to wherever the next place was where everyone was going.
July 2002 on a whim I contacted RS and he informed me that the girl he’d been sleeping with, who was also his neighbor, was pregnant. So I let him back into my life and he would hang out with us over that summer, sometimes, he really got on Marg’s nerves and she couldn’t stand him. It’s important to note that with everything that had happened with RS I dropped 20 pounds and was super thin. As a result I started receiving more attention when we would go out. This was a whole new world because never before had I had this experience.
September 2002 RS was dealing with baby mama drama. I decided it was time to try and meet someone nice and get RS out of my system. I was browsing thru match profiles at work and came across one saying he was looking for his best friend. I signed up so I could contact him and sent him an email. We had our first date and then about 2 weeks in he took me to Myrtle Beach for the weekend. Andy was turning 30 and freaked about not being married with kids yet. He was actually not a bad person, I think that probably had I not been so screwed up I either never would have dated him or it would have ended differently. I’m not sure.
He asked me to marry him about 6 weeks into dating. His parents took us along with the rest of his family to dinner at Sullivan’s and then his family threw him a party that I went to with my friend Margs who was in town. After that party Margs and I met up with RS and I cheated on AP so I had to break up with him because I knew that if you cheat then you are not supposed to be with that person. RS hated Andy and told me that he loved me in order to get me to break up with him.
I took RS out for his birthday about a month later. At the end of the night RS was hitting on some other chick at the bar. I was livid and SO hurt. I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks. Turns out that the girl he was hitting on, her name was April. he took her home and then married her 6 months later in May 2003. His little boy was born February 2003.
In December 2002 I met MN. He was way older than me, 37 or 38 to my 23. He was originally from Sweden and had come to the states to be a pilot. He did odd jobs I’m not sure why I ever dated him other than needing to move on after Andy and RS and that whole mess. I wanted to be married and MN was older so I guess maybe I thought that he would be ready for marriage as well. Except he’d only been divorced for 2 years and wasn’t willing to jump into anything.
This did save me the cost of a divorce because there is no way I would have stayed married to that one. MN MN and I dated until September 2003. Then I just couldn’t take him anymore and I broke up with him. I knew I was going to break up with him so my dumb self bought him a plane ticket to Sweden for his birthday before the break up and then a day later I dumped him. Shortly after this I drove down to Atlanta to visit BT and see his new place that he had just purchased. Wouldn’t you know it… nope we didn’t get back together but we had a lot of fun.
I returned to Charlotte and picked up a second job in October I briefly dated Mike, and he cheated on me. What made it even better he cheated on me with the bartender who worked at the restaurant where I worked. Then he would come in and visit her and sit at the bar. Around the time that I started this job I ended up going out one night with Amy (she had been my first roommate but when I took the job at the bridal store in Charlotte I had to move back in with mom and dad)well Amy had become friends with RS's new wife April. So RS's new wife and I got to know each other and we became friends.
I was no longer speaking to RS but I would talk to his wife. I left that restaurant job and went to work as a hostess at a little wine bar and bistro in January 2004. After the whole Mike thing I went down to visit BT and soothe my hurt ego. We had a lot of fun and went to a party that was for the Scottish Society of Atlanta and did some other things that weekend that just made me realize how much I liked BT. So in January 2004 BT and I decided to try and see if a long distance relationship could work between us and I started looking for jobs in Atlanta.
I would go down to visit about every other weekend. He visited me once in March and then he came up for Marg's wedding that April. I remember it was at that wedding where one I said the L word to him and 2 I realized I didn't like how he treated people. We were sitting at a table at brunch the day after the wedding with friends of mine and they were actually some of Marg's family and he was just rude. It made me pause but I continued dating him. In July I had a family reunion in Pigeon Forge, I stopped over in Knoxville to visit Margs and we went out dancing that night and had so much fun!! The next day I drove in to Pigeon Forge to spend the rest of the weekend with my family.
It was during this trip that BT's family was calling my phone because they needed to get ahold of him and he wouldn't return their phone calls. It was then that I realized I didn't like the way he treated his family either. They would often try and call and he would either not answer or take days to respond back to them.
I visited BT during that summer and I would often take a Friday off and drive down and he would work all day Friday and then sometimes he was working some of Saturday which meant that I spent a lot of time on my own. This started to bother me as I was taking my time and driving down to hang out and he didn't really make much time for me.
My birthday weekend Blondie was playing in an outdoor concert down there and I got tickets and was so excited about this. I arrived down on Thursday and the concert was the following day. That day he went on to work and I decided to try and help him organize his place, there were boxes and stuff that had never been unpacked and there were people coming over. He had this really big chest that he used to store clothes and towels in but no longer did and I never knew the reason why and I decided to use it. Well when he got home that afternoon he was furious with me. Apparently that chest had mold and he is highly allergic to mold and that was the reason he had quit using it. I was trying to be helpful but had overstepped my bounds and ticked him off so the rest of the weekend was affected by this event.
He took me to a really nice dinner the following night and Sunday before I left told me he would pay rent for the first month once I moved down. The plan had originally been I would move in May but I kept pushing the date out because I didn't have a job and I didn't have the money to move. His sister had told me I could stay in her extra room I just had to help her clean and organize the room. I had another trip planned to have that night with her and then I would drive on into Atlanta the following night to hang out with BT.
I had taken that Friday off, this was early September or the very end of August I don't remember exactly. My friend Marg was leaving me for Grad School and I was pretty devastated. I had already told her I would come visit but I was so incredibly sad she was moving away.
She and I went to one of our favorite restaurants and we had a few margarita's then we went to another spot where we had spent many nights hanging out had a few more drinks and I think some shots. I met Andy (another one) at this second place and he was some kind of banker or something. He had just moved to Charlotte, he was tall and incredibly good looking (I wasn't sober when I first met him but I wasn't drunk either I was that in between) and I kept telling him that I had a boyfriend. In fact I repeated that many many times throughout the several hours we were all hanging out. We ended up at another place and then another and after that is when the night blacks out for me.
I had only eaten the one meal that day and then I had way too much to drink to this day I can't tell you anything that happened. The next morning was not pleasant. I realized that since I had cheated on my boyfriend I had to break up with him, because there was one thing that did happen that I don't remember but it happened.
I drove down to Atlanta for my girls night with BT's sister. She and I watched SATC and had dinner and talked. The next day we tackled her extra bedroom and got it cleaned and organized and then I had to head down to the city to break up with BT. My plan was to break up and drive back but I was hysterically crying and he wouldn't let me leave. We broke up that night and I drove home the next morning early. All my plans to move where now null and void.
Looking back I have come to realize that part of my biggest concern over BT was the fact that he didn't make room for me in his life when I was just visiting on the weekends so why would he have ever made time for me when I moved there for him. Upon returning home it was Labor Day weekend and I had Monday off so Sunday night I met up with RS's wife and RS was there but I pretty much ignored him. They were out with their group of friends and their friend Adam thought I was pretty cute… And he asked me out on a date for the following night
I really like you a lot
I was finally coming around to being ok with the I like you a lot statement. I was back to my crazy normal self. I was up at S's place Friday night and I wasn't sure yet if he was going to Charleston and I was keeping the dogs. I endured the horrible Friday afternoon traffic and hour long commute up there. Then he arrived home, tired, worn out after a long week. We were talking about different things. He decided not to go to Charleston. Then I asked if he was still planning on joining me for the Easter. He kind of looked at me as if to say what? I said, You know the Easter service then lunch with my family... He had this look and I told him you don't have to go if you don't want to. To which I got, well I'll go to lunch.
OK so all along this has been one of those things which I haven't pushed but it's a big deal to me. Early on I wrote a post stating my concern over the fact that he's not a Christian. My friends can feel however they want and I am completely ok with different view points, as long as I'm not trying to date you. With S it's not that he really has a different view point so much as no care one way or the other. When he backed out on going with me Easter I was upset. I hadn't asked him to join me to this point. I had not brought the topic up. Perhaps this is my fault for ever going down this road to begin with. Perhaps I should have stopped in the very beginning and said that I'm really sorry I like you but because of the way I feel I just can't date you. Now we're 5 months in and I see no resolution other than ending the relationship.
I think S is the greatest guy; he's everything I've been looking for with the exception of the fact that he has no need for God in his life. In my daily walk I'm so far away from perfect. I make huge mistakes and I try and take the reigns over and over and over again. Especially when it comes to relationships I tend to jerk it back out of God's hands because I want what I want. With S especially I refused to pray my prayer, "Lord if he's not the right one take him out of my life". I finally said that prayer this weekend. I haven't wanted to give him up. He's fun I love hanging out with him, I enjoy all that we do together. But the reality is when I'm happy or upset, in good times and in trying times my source for everything is my relationship with the Lord. I don't preach, I don't beat people over the head with it, I don’t really like to date "Christian" guys because I've tried and I find them to be horribly hypocritical with the exception of the amazing guy who lives in KENTUCKY. He lives 8 hours away so that's never going to happen.
In my conversation with P 2 weeks ago when we talked about fears and trusting in Him one thing I mentioned is that she and I have a unique background. Because we grew up in Bible class throughout our entire school career before college we have a unique knowledge of scripture. We both completely rebelled against it all and didn't want to acknowledge it for a portion of our late teens and early 20's but that background was there. When I'm upset, angry, sad, glad, happy, ecstatic I go to the scriptures to best express where I'm coming from. Because I know that God is good all the time no matter what and I find my answers in His word. So trying to date someone who doesn't need God is a conflict for me.
S came to pick me up for my brothers engagement party on Saturday. I seriously considered breaking up with him before he ever arrived or left for my house. It's my feeling that there is no fix. S arrived and Jack Banner was so excited to see him. So we got Jack calmed down and I was finishing getting ready and then I sat down for a minute in front of S and said "Church is never going to be something you're interested in is it?". He said that he had really bad experiences with Church and has no desire to go.
Which I understand, a part of my whole rebellion had to do with what I've seen growing up in church and private Christian schools. In a lot of ways the movie Saved with Mandy Moore is a great description of what my high school was like. But having grown up and being 13 years out of school I now understand that I can't blame God for the shortcomings of human failures. We are all human and we all make mistakes and errors and we all have to be willing to forgive and get over things. My parents have been at the same church for 35 years, in that time they've had to do a lot of forgiving and I'm sure there are people who have been upset with my parents and had to forgive them. But the way that I believe we are all part of the family of God and he calls us to love one another as Christ loved us. So while I understood what S was saying it didn't give him a free pass with me.
I ended the conversation by stating that this is something that is very important to me and I'm just not sure we should continue seeing one another. And then we had to go to the engagement party, what a way to make things AWKWARD!!! However I give S a lot of credit as we were completely fine the whole party. He asked me if we could hang out on Sunday and I said of course. So yesterday we went to see a movie. I'm just really struggling with the reality that I like this go so much but I'm going to have to break up with him.
I had an email from him this morning asking if I was upset with him because of the church thing. I told him I'm not upset or angry I'm just not sure what to do because I don't want him going to church for me and I know there is no solution for this. I know that it's time for us to go our separate ways and this makes me sad. I think he knows it too. He's sad and doesn't want to bring it up and even said that he knows it's important to me and that's why he's been avoiding the subject. But you can't avoid the subject forever and for me it's actually the biggest deal breaker. I've appreciated our time together, he's been awesome and wonderful but the time has come where I had to finally stand up and say as much as I like you and as wonderful as I do think you are this is the one factor that I can no longer ignore. I'm not trying to beat him over the head with my beliefs. I'm not trying to force him into church. I don't want anyone to go along just to make me happy. It's why I probably shouldn't have dated him in the first place. It's complicated because I know we both like each other a lot and I don't want to seem cold or two faced or any of that. It's why I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm not making the statement "God told me to break up with you or God told me I should be single" I dislike when "Christians" beat others up with verbiage such as this and I feel it does horrible things to the person hearing this and in a lot of cases probably turns them completely off to EVER hearing about the wonderful amazingness of God's love for us. I don't agree with it at all. I've tried really hard to be neutral and I was hoping that S would see how important all this was to me and have a curiosity and actually just want to see what it was all about. Since I now know that this isn't going to happen this is why I feel the time has come for us to go our separate ways.
OK so all along this has been one of those things which I haven't pushed but it's a big deal to me. Early on I wrote a post stating my concern over the fact that he's not a Christian. My friends can feel however they want and I am completely ok with different view points, as long as I'm not trying to date you. With S it's not that he really has a different view point so much as no care one way or the other. When he backed out on going with me Easter I was upset. I hadn't asked him to join me to this point. I had not brought the topic up. Perhaps this is my fault for ever going down this road to begin with. Perhaps I should have stopped in the very beginning and said that I'm really sorry I like you but because of the way I feel I just can't date you. Now we're 5 months in and I see no resolution other than ending the relationship.
I think S is the greatest guy; he's everything I've been looking for with the exception of the fact that he has no need for God in his life. In my daily walk I'm so far away from perfect. I make huge mistakes and I try and take the reigns over and over and over again. Especially when it comes to relationships I tend to jerk it back out of God's hands because I want what I want. With S especially I refused to pray my prayer, "Lord if he's not the right one take him out of my life". I finally said that prayer this weekend. I haven't wanted to give him up. He's fun I love hanging out with him, I enjoy all that we do together. But the reality is when I'm happy or upset, in good times and in trying times my source for everything is my relationship with the Lord. I don't preach, I don't beat people over the head with it, I don’t really like to date "Christian" guys because I've tried and I find them to be horribly hypocritical with the exception of the amazing guy who lives in KENTUCKY. He lives 8 hours away so that's never going to happen.
In my conversation with P 2 weeks ago when we talked about fears and trusting in Him one thing I mentioned is that she and I have a unique background. Because we grew up in Bible class throughout our entire school career before college we have a unique knowledge of scripture. We both completely rebelled against it all and didn't want to acknowledge it for a portion of our late teens and early 20's but that background was there. When I'm upset, angry, sad, glad, happy, ecstatic I go to the scriptures to best express where I'm coming from. Because I know that God is good all the time no matter what and I find my answers in His word. So trying to date someone who doesn't need God is a conflict for me.
S came to pick me up for my brothers engagement party on Saturday. I seriously considered breaking up with him before he ever arrived or left for my house. It's my feeling that there is no fix. S arrived and Jack Banner was so excited to see him. So we got Jack calmed down and I was finishing getting ready and then I sat down for a minute in front of S and said "Church is never going to be something you're interested in is it?". He said that he had really bad experiences with Church and has no desire to go.
Which I understand, a part of my whole rebellion had to do with what I've seen growing up in church and private Christian schools. In a lot of ways the movie Saved with Mandy Moore is a great description of what my high school was like. But having grown up and being 13 years out of school I now understand that I can't blame God for the shortcomings of human failures. We are all human and we all make mistakes and errors and we all have to be willing to forgive and get over things. My parents have been at the same church for 35 years, in that time they've had to do a lot of forgiving and I'm sure there are people who have been upset with my parents and had to forgive them. But the way that I believe we are all part of the family of God and he calls us to love one another as Christ loved us. So while I understood what S was saying it didn't give him a free pass with me.
I ended the conversation by stating that this is something that is very important to me and I'm just not sure we should continue seeing one another. And then we had to go to the engagement party, what a way to make things AWKWARD!!! However I give S a lot of credit as we were completely fine the whole party. He asked me if we could hang out on Sunday and I said of course. So yesterday we went to see a movie. I'm just really struggling with the reality that I like this go so much but I'm going to have to break up with him.
I had an email from him this morning asking if I was upset with him because of the church thing. I told him I'm not upset or angry I'm just not sure what to do because I don't want him going to church for me and I know there is no solution for this. I know that it's time for us to go our separate ways and this makes me sad. I think he knows it too. He's sad and doesn't want to bring it up and even said that he knows it's important to me and that's why he's been avoiding the subject. But you can't avoid the subject forever and for me it's actually the biggest deal breaker. I've appreciated our time together, he's been awesome and wonderful but the time has come where I had to finally stand up and say as much as I like you and as wonderful as I do think you are this is the one factor that I can no longer ignore. I'm not trying to beat him over the head with my beliefs. I'm not trying to force him into church. I don't want anyone to go along just to make me happy. It's why I probably shouldn't have dated him in the first place. It's complicated because I know we both like each other a lot and I don't want to seem cold or two faced or any of that. It's why I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm not making the statement "God told me to break up with you or God told me I should be single" I dislike when "Christians" beat others up with verbiage such as this and I feel it does horrible things to the person hearing this and in a lot of cases probably turns them completely off to EVER hearing about the wonderful amazingness of God's love for us. I don't agree with it at all. I've tried really hard to be neutral and I was hoping that S would see how important all this was to me and have a curiosity and actually just want to see what it was all about. Since I now know that this isn't going to happen this is why I feel the time has come for us to go our separate ways.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Reality
Sometimes I have to admit to being slightly (or a lot) of a crazy girl. Fortunately I have friends who are honest with me. Because they've known me as long as they have they do a good job of pulling me back and making me stop and take a breath and be realistic. So I contacted my friend P who I love and despite the fact that she's feeling crappy today she took the time to give me a reality check. She and I have known each other since High School and she is amazing and one of the strongest people I know although I don't think she likes that word. Anyways the following is the conversation we had regarding what has been going on.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 09:48:33 -0400
To: P
Subject: am I self destructing?
This whole thing with S. I’ve been able to maintain and just have fun and be happy with the way things have been for 5 months. I know that he doesn’t jump into things and I know that he’s got a lot going on with the business and trying to get to the place where he can buy out the partner (not common knowledge) and yesterday the phone system that they have had well he found out the provider is about to declare bankruptcy and he has to find a new provider and his office manager is in Atlanta at CE.
After the whole conversation, which by the way happened because I got into a texting conversation with JL (the one who is now in MA b/c he went back into the army b/c he wanted to be a dentist but then got put on active serve) well he and I were talking and he was asking me how things were going and told me I should ask b/c after 5 months you should know. This is the same guy who didn’t tell me he loved me and got laid off and didn’t tell me. This is the one who was my first kiss in college and the one who sent me the email when I was with CF telling me he screwed up and he loved me, that’s who this one is
So after the conversation that JL and I had I figured I needed to go ahead and ask S how he felt because it’s really been getting to me that I don’t know. I mean I’ve asked do you plan on keeping me around for a while and he’s said yes. I’ve now asked how he feels about me and got I like you a lot. The gym that I was able to go to up at S’s that was a Peak has switched over to a golds b/c when Peak was bought out the company didn’t keep that gym (which is STUPID AND TICKS ME OFF) but back to my point so now I can’t work out at the gym up near S which is how I’ve been able to hang out up there. I tried the Y but I really didn’t like it at all, he had a free guest pass. Memebership to the golds is 28 a month which I really can’t afford and he didn’t seem to keen on the idea of me getting a memebership up there anyways. Maybe that’s how all this started, when the gym membership discussion came up. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do and he was talking about finding out how liberal the golds visitation policy is (I know from when I had a membership they don’t have a guest policy) he also got a little short when I was talking about trying to find out memebership price and he told me I told you it’s 28 and I said I was trying to figure out what it would be to add one more person and I would just pay him back the difference but he’s so busy he hasn’t found that out yet.
Last night he brought me my purse b/c I forgot it at his house. He drove all the way down after having worked a super long day and then got home to let the dogs out and then drove down to my house to give me my purse (I worked Nobles) and so it’s stuff like that which make him so different from everyone else but since I just go the I really like you a lot now I’m totally freaked and feeling like maybe I’m just wasting my time and maybe I just need to end this one.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:16 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Yes, yes you are self destructing. Now stop it! Imagine me slapping you! Stop it!
Why are you listening to what JL thinks? Why does he get to voice an opinion and why in the hell are you talking to him.
Stuff like the gym membership happens in all couples. I switched gyms bc of P and then he decided he hated the gym and I had a big I told you so moment. That stuff happens. Stop taking it so personally!
He brought you your purse from two counties away!!! Why would you sabatage this? Don't f@ck it up because you will want to fix it and it will be harder to fix if he thinks you are crazy.
And honey, I love you but you are acting a little crazy.
________________________________________
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:18:14 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
=)
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:22 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Does that mean you're mad at me?
My response I got 2 emails while on the phone so I had started typing and then got the email below this one
No it means you’re right and it’s why I emailed you in the first place. I’m struggling with letting it go just b/c of the fact that I’m in a weird place that I don’t understand and I like to have control of the situation. JL would have never brought me my purse like that ever. He holds a place in my life but I can’t ever go down the relationship road with him again b/c we’ve proven a couple times over it doesn’t work.
My big thing with S is that I’m going to have to wait a really long time and this bums me out. He’s not really in a place to think beyond the business and that means I’m looking at maybe as long as 2 years and the reality of this freaks me out. I’m going to be old by the time we finally getting around to having any children. My preference has NEVER been to not become a mom until my late 30’s. I know that KH and SW have both done it and SW lost all her baby weight and she gained like 60 lbs.
I just try and keep it in perspective this way (and I know that I’m lucky not to have married CF but go with me on this) I had a conversation with chuck right before I turned 28 about how I wanted to be married and pregnant by 30. I then broke up with him a few weeks later. 3 years later I am still not married and I still have no children. This is not a bad thing but it’s how it is.
So I can suck it up, put on my big girl panties and enjoy the time now with S and enjoy the freedoms that I have or I can self destruct the way I’m so good at doing and break up with him and then find myself still single with no children at 40 and this idea just doesn’t appeal to me.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:29 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Just remember that I love you and I don't want this to end in tragedy. I also think JL sucks and he would try to sabotage your happiness just so he will feel like there is a chance. People don't always know.
That's kind of a fact.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:42:42 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
This is a really good point. You are absolutely right about JL and I know from both you and M that you don’t always know. She’s dating a guy who is perfect for her but it’s taken her a really really long time to find him. I know 2 years is a random baseless number but it’s kind of the number I have stuck in my head. It really does freak me out that I’m not sure where he stands and that I’m supposed to be patient. When have I EVER been patient when it comes to stuff like this. I’m not saying I’m not going to get it together and suck it up but I am saying that since I tend to look for the “easy” way I’ve got to fight past all this old garbage that I have done for so long.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:47 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Ok, so enough S talk. How do you feel about him? Don't think about how he feels about you. How do you feel about him taking these time issues off the table?
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:52:50 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
He’s awesome, all this other stuff aside.
He is my friend. I like to hang out with him. He is consistent in his emails, calls and texts. Despite staying fairly stressed out right now very rarely is he ever short with me. He puts up with my dog peeing on his carpet (trying to work on that and it’s much better). He likes to eat the same foods that I do and we like to try new places. He’s really great about always telling me how pretty I am and saying thank you when I do nice things. I love the fact that he pays ladies to come clean his house because he wants it to be clean but doesn’t have the time to do it himself.
I like the fact that we both try to stay physically active. We don’t have the same tastes in movies usually but he lets me watch what not to wear and food network on Friday nights.
He doesn’t need to go out and is happy staying home and that fits how I am. I don’t try to run with him anymore because he runs too fast for me now but the other night we had gone on a run and he doubled back to run the last part with me. He bought me a really nice jacket for Valentine’s and paid for dinner the night of your b’day not to mention driving us down. He drove down last night to bring me my purse after he’d already had a super long day.
He’s conscientious and makes sure that he takes his time and does stuff right.
I’m a little concerned about how he doesn’t like confrontation even though to his credit he did stand up to his business partner.
I don’t know I guess I just need to step back and keep getting to know him.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:58 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Yes.
Because, honestly, you aren't madly in love with him yet either. You've listed wonderful facts but you haven't shown serious love emotions.
Never fear, I said the same stuff about P for about 10 months and married him in month 11.
I just don't think you should be demanding that he love you right now. Your feelings for him will likely intensify as you get used to being treated well as opposed to being treated CF.
I don't blame him on confrontation. I deal with so much confrontation at work and give so many orders professionally that it is the last thing I want to do when I come home.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:00:27 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
I kind of feel like my madly in love actions are kindled by the whirlwindness of my usual relationships and then I’m left wondering what happened when it all ends as quickly as it begins
With the exception of CF and I know why that one ended.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:15 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Bc he's an a-hole. MS same.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:16:29 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
Right but with both of those I showed the “madly in love” actions early on but as it went on with CF it fizzled out and with MS it ended abruptly. So my madly in love actions are actually unreliable.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:19 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
True that. So, don't f@ck it up.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:21:33 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
Going to lunch, thank you for talking me through all this I feel much calmer now.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:24 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Good. I didn't want to have to slap you.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 09:48:33 -0400
To: P
Subject: am I self destructing?
This whole thing with S. I’ve been able to maintain and just have fun and be happy with the way things have been for 5 months. I know that he doesn’t jump into things and I know that he’s got a lot going on with the business and trying to get to the place where he can buy out the partner (not common knowledge) and yesterday the phone system that they have had well he found out the provider is about to declare bankruptcy and he has to find a new provider and his office manager is in Atlanta at CE.
After the whole conversation, which by the way happened because I got into a texting conversation with JL (the one who is now in MA b/c he went back into the army b/c he wanted to be a dentist but then got put on active serve) well he and I were talking and he was asking me how things were going and told me I should ask b/c after 5 months you should know. This is the same guy who didn’t tell me he loved me and got laid off and didn’t tell me. This is the one who was my first kiss in college and the one who sent me the email when I was with CF telling me he screwed up and he loved me, that’s who this one is
So after the conversation that JL and I had I figured I needed to go ahead and ask S how he felt because it’s really been getting to me that I don’t know. I mean I’ve asked do you plan on keeping me around for a while and he’s said yes. I’ve now asked how he feels about me and got I like you a lot. The gym that I was able to go to up at S’s that was a Peak has switched over to a golds b/c when Peak was bought out the company didn’t keep that gym (which is STUPID AND TICKS ME OFF) but back to my point so now I can’t work out at the gym up near S which is how I’ve been able to hang out up there. I tried the Y but I really didn’t like it at all, he had a free guest pass. Memebership to the golds is 28 a month which I really can’t afford and he didn’t seem to keen on the idea of me getting a memebership up there anyways. Maybe that’s how all this started, when the gym membership discussion came up. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do and he was talking about finding out how liberal the golds visitation policy is (I know from when I had a membership they don’t have a guest policy) he also got a little short when I was talking about trying to find out memebership price and he told me I told you it’s 28 and I said I was trying to figure out what it would be to add one more person and I would just pay him back the difference but he’s so busy he hasn’t found that out yet.
Last night he brought me my purse b/c I forgot it at his house. He drove all the way down after having worked a super long day and then got home to let the dogs out and then drove down to my house to give me my purse (I worked Nobles) and so it’s stuff like that which make him so different from everyone else but since I just go the I really like you a lot now I’m totally freaked and feeling like maybe I’m just wasting my time and maybe I just need to end this one.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:16 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Yes, yes you are self destructing. Now stop it! Imagine me slapping you! Stop it!
Why are you listening to what JL thinks? Why does he get to voice an opinion and why in the hell are you talking to him.
Stuff like the gym membership happens in all couples. I switched gyms bc of P and then he decided he hated the gym and I had a big I told you so moment. That stuff happens. Stop taking it so personally!
He brought you your purse from two counties away!!! Why would you sabatage this? Don't f@ck it up because you will want to fix it and it will be harder to fix if he thinks you are crazy.
And honey, I love you but you are acting a little crazy.
________________________________________
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:18:14 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
=)
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:22 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Does that mean you're mad at me?
My response I got 2 emails while on the phone so I had started typing and then got the email below this one
No it means you’re right and it’s why I emailed you in the first place. I’m struggling with letting it go just b/c of the fact that I’m in a weird place that I don’t understand and I like to have control of the situation. JL would have never brought me my purse like that ever. He holds a place in my life but I can’t ever go down the relationship road with him again b/c we’ve proven a couple times over it doesn’t work.
My big thing with S is that I’m going to have to wait a really long time and this bums me out. He’s not really in a place to think beyond the business and that means I’m looking at maybe as long as 2 years and the reality of this freaks me out. I’m going to be old by the time we finally getting around to having any children. My preference has NEVER been to not become a mom until my late 30’s. I know that KH and SW have both done it and SW lost all her baby weight and she gained like 60 lbs.
I just try and keep it in perspective this way (and I know that I’m lucky not to have married CF but go with me on this) I had a conversation with chuck right before I turned 28 about how I wanted to be married and pregnant by 30. I then broke up with him a few weeks later. 3 years later I am still not married and I still have no children. This is not a bad thing but it’s how it is.
So I can suck it up, put on my big girl panties and enjoy the time now with S and enjoy the freedoms that I have or I can self destruct the way I’m so good at doing and break up with him and then find myself still single with no children at 40 and this idea just doesn’t appeal to me.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:29 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Just remember that I love you and I don't want this to end in tragedy. I also think JL sucks and he would try to sabotage your happiness just so he will feel like there is a chance. People don't always know.
That's kind of a fact.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:42:42 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
This is a really good point. You are absolutely right about JL and I know from both you and M that you don’t always know. She’s dating a guy who is perfect for her but it’s taken her a really really long time to find him. I know 2 years is a random baseless number but it’s kind of the number I have stuck in my head. It really does freak me out that I’m not sure where he stands and that I’m supposed to be patient. When have I EVER been patient when it comes to stuff like this. I’m not saying I’m not going to get it together and suck it up but I am saying that since I tend to look for the “easy” way I’ve got to fight past all this old garbage that I have done for so long.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:47 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Ok, so enough S talk. How do you feel about him? Don't think about how he feels about you. How do you feel about him taking these time issues off the table?
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:52:50 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
He’s awesome, all this other stuff aside.
He is my friend. I like to hang out with him. He is consistent in his emails, calls and texts. Despite staying fairly stressed out right now very rarely is he ever short with me. He puts up with my dog peeing on his carpet (trying to work on that and it’s much better). He likes to eat the same foods that I do and we like to try new places. He’s really great about always telling me how pretty I am and saying thank you when I do nice things. I love the fact that he pays ladies to come clean his house because he wants it to be clean but doesn’t have the time to do it himself.
I like the fact that we both try to stay physically active. We don’t have the same tastes in movies usually but he lets me watch what not to wear and food network on Friday nights.
He doesn’t need to go out and is happy staying home and that fits how I am. I don’t try to run with him anymore because he runs too fast for me now but the other night we had gone on a run and he doubled back to run the last part with me. He bought me a really nice jacket for Valentine’s and paid for dinner the night of your b’day not to mention driving us down. He drove down last night to bring me my purse after he’d already had a super long day.
He’s conscientious and makes sure that he takes his time and does stuff right.
I’m a little concerned about how he doesn’t like confrontation even though to his credit he did stand up to his business partner.
I don’t know I guess I just need to step back and keep getting to know him.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 10:58 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Yes.
Because, honestly, you aren't madly in love with him yet either. You've listed wonderful facts but you haven't shown serious love emotions.
Never fear, I said the same stuff about P for about 10 months and married him in month 11.
I just don't think you should be demanding that he love you right now. Your feelings for him will likely intensify as you get used to being treated well as opposed to being treated CF.
I don't blame him on confrontation. I deal with so much confrontation at work and give so many orders professionally that it is the last thing I want to do when I come home.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:00:27 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
I kind of feel like my madly in love actions are kindled by the whirlwindness of my usual relationships and then I’m left wondering what happened when it all ends as quickly as it begins
With the exception of CF and I know why that one ended.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:15 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Bc he's an a-hole. MS same.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:16:29 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
Right but with both of those I showed the “madly in love” actions early on but as it went on with CF it fizzled out and with MS it ended abruptly. So my madly in love actions are actually unreliable.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:19 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
True that. So, don't f@ck it up.
From: L
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:21:33 -0400
To: P
Subject: RE: am I self destructing?
Going to lunch, thank you for talking me through all this I feel much calmer now.
From: P
Sent: Friday, March 26, 2010 11:24 AM
To: L
Subject: Re: am I self destructing?
Good. I didn't want to have to slap you.
Chapter 1
I realized that I talk a lot about past guys and I’ve given some history as to these stories in previous posts. I was thinking last night on my run (I need distraction when I run) that I have always said I should write down some of the stories that I have. I have had a bad habit of not fully kicking guys out of my life so there are a few who are reoccurring “chapters” in the book of my life. I thought about starting at the beginning but really I think the best place to start is the summer before college.
August 1997 I was coming off of a summer long regional tour. I was a member of Children of the American Revolution (CAR) and I served on National Board as a chairman. We would travel to the 9 different regions during the summertime to present the programs for the year. That summer I had travelled to Seattle, WA, then I flew home to go to college orientation. I flew out to St. Louis, then connected with friends and drove down to New Orleans, from New Orleans we drove to Nashville, then on to Huntsville, AL after Huntsville I stopped over in Kentucky with a friend (who was also on tour) and her family. We drove to Indianapolis, then over to Gettysburg where I stayed with another family who was on tour and then we drove to DC and finally the tour ended in New Hampshire. CAR during tour was very much like a huge family and I am so incredibly thankful to have had the opportunity.
During the year it would become a lot more political but in the summer that was the fun! It was really my first “normal” interaction with guys. In high school I didn’t have guy friends and I didn’t know how to talk to them. So it was awesome for me to spend all this time with kids both my age or a little older or younger. The national board would present skits to introduce the programs so we did skits that were kid friendly and would involve our members. Examples of our skits, we had a fun Top Gun skit, I got to be the flight attendant for the Mission Impossible skit, we had so much fun with each other and involving our members at the end by asking them to read out of the summer packet the objects for their local and state societies.
I lost weight over that summer. It was my first time buying diet pills and being on my own to where I didn’t “have” to eat. I started college and that very first weekend I went over to an apartment, back story.. N, who I went to high school with, invited me over to her boyfriends place for a get together of friends. She’d met two girls on her floor (4th) and they had all been hanging out and I lived on the 6th floor of the same dorm. I go over and we’re all watching Tin Cup. This guy walks in and he’s LOUD and somehow I end up back at his apartment. I’m not yet 18 years old. It never occurred to me that this would be a bad idea to go back to some guys apartment who I DID NOT KNOW. JL and I ended up talking all night long literally.
He actually was raised right (I know his Mama now because he will be in my life again and he took the couch and let me have the bed. He asked me if he could make me dinner that night when he dropped me off at my dorm the next morning. He fixed me mashed potatoes, green beans and chicken and had friends come up for dinner, they both had the same name but I don’t remember now what that name was. Sunday he took me up to the Moses Cone Manor and we walked and then watched the sun set and then he kissed me and so I had my first kiss when I was 18.
He ended things a day or two later. His reasoning I was too young and had too much growing up to do and he was absolutely right but I didn’t want to hear this. I would spend that freshman year running into him and hoping that he would change his mind and want to date me. I was pretty naïve and young and I just had no clue when it came to relationships. I went out with my friends. My next door neighbors had somehow met 2 Sig Eps who lived across the street from Campus, FC and DI. FC was a tennis player who was just hot. We were over there on the day after his 21st b’day and he had been given a bottle of tequila I did shots for the first time ever. I would again be lucky in that he didn’t take advantage of the situation.
At this point in college I had friends who talked about their friend with benefits. They weren’t necessarily having sex but they were sleeping together. So this was a point in my life where I was ready to leave behind all the things that I had heard for my WHOLE life. I also think that the fact that I hated myself factored into my pursuit of self destruction. I did not care. I had stated that my motto was to party as hard as I could and be dead by the time I was 30… Seeing as how I’m 30 now it’s a little weird but back to the story.
A few weeks later I would end up hooking up with DI, again I was fortunate that the guy didn’t take advantage of the situation. DI and I would run into each other on campus the rest of my college career and he was always one of those guys who was just nice. He always said hello and always asked how I was. I think he became a police officer but I’m not sure.
Second semester freshman year I dated a rugby player. He had broken up with someone and I’m pretty sure I was rebound girl. I had bought him a valentines present and he broke up with me the week before. I also found out that he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend from high school.
The final week of college I was at a party and JL was there. We ended up hanging out that entire night and I was so happy. Then as he walked me back to my dorm we ended up making out (just making out) against a brick wall and ruining my very first pair of black pants that my next door neighbor had given me. I actually kept those pants for a few years after that and wore long tops over them. To this day I smile at this memory.
Summer time I worked at Sears in the kid department. I didn’t go out with the exception of 1 date. I babysat for a family and she called me wanting to set me up. I went on 2 dates with the guy. He was so completely not my type that it never went anywhere. I was SO ready to get back to school with all my friends.
August 1998 sophomore year I started out with the same roommate that I had all freshman year. But she had gone through a traumatic breakup over the summer. Her almost fiancé had cheated on her and she found out about it. She and I quit speaking to each other somewhere around half way through that first semester. My new partner in crime, Tiffany, moved in to the room next to us. She was petite and blonde and the first time I ever saw her I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever met. She was also fun!
Tiffany and I would go to parties together. I went through rush and then she was the pledge class right after mine. She and I were 2 peas in a pod. We both worked at the sub shop on campus. She had broken up with her long time boyfriend right before starting classes. Her roommate and my roommate were 2 hermits so they would spend all their time together and Tiffany and I were constantly together.
I had thought about JL all summer long and could not wait to run into him. I even invented a reason to call him, I wanted him to buy me alcohol. Boone was dry so you could only get liquor at the ABC store. I knew that I was going to rush a sorority and he had pledged ATO the spring before (party I went to at the very end of the year where he walked me back was an ATO party) so I had plans that this would be my year where I would finally make him see that I was worth having… He went to the ABC store for me.
I went to an ATO party that night or the next and ended up talking to this guy who came back to my dorm room with me (I was NOT the picture of common sense nor safety during college and this kind of makes me cringe that I was so completely clueless) anyways this guy came back but all we did was talk that whole night. I didn’t know this but the guy actually had a girlfriend. He never tried anything at all and truthfully he just talked to me. I thought he was really interesting and he’s another one who when I would see him on campus I would just wave and say hello.
There were a few weeks where JL and I became “friends” with benefits but to call him a friend at that point is stretching it. I was head over heels for that boy and I wasn’t good enough for him, or at least I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes. When he made me walk to class from him apartment because he wouldn’t get up to take me back for the 3rd or 4th time I quit going over there. I wanted him to want me but he didn’t.
Unfortunately when you’re as self destructive as I was you are bound to eventually put yourself in a place where you are hurt and hurt badly. The roommate situation had deteriorated for Tiffany and I so we decided to move in together on the sorority floor for the spring semester. Some of my very favorite memories are the nights when she and I would watch movies and eat popcorn and play SkipBo on our fold out couch that was black that we bought at Walmart.
We would go out and walk the loop one or 2 times for exercise a lot of nights. We also walked to get her car which was only a few miles away but people thought we were crazy for walking the way that we did. But we enjoyed it and it never bothered us. Unbeknownst to me she was going through my drawers throwing away my diet and caffeine pills. We were going to parties and having fun. I was eating as little as possible and trying to be thin so I would have a boyfriend.
Spring semester of my sophomore year ended and I was single. I moved back to Charlotte for the summer to work. This time I decided to waitress and I was hired at O’Charleys. It was a good experience for me and actually I loved working in a restaurant. I could make a “lot” (relative term I was in college) of money in a few hours, I was moving around, I liked the other servers, I decided to wait tables because I wanted to be a flight attendant and I knew the airlines looked favorably on this type of experience. That summer all I could think about was getting back to Boone and my friends and having fun and partying. In Charlotte I was pretty isolated and didn’t have a car so I would go to work and home and that was pretty much it.
August 1999 Junior year Tiffany and I were living on the sorority floor. I had a new found confidence after waiting tables. We were out at Macadoo’s Restaurant one night and I thought our server was SO cute!! So I wrote a check for my meal and left my number on the check and sure enough he called me. YS was a Delta Chi and older.
I took him with me to my homecoming function. I asked him to go to semi formal with me. He backed out at the last minute. The reason, his girlfriend was in town. I found this out because I had a friend who worked at Macadoo’s and she told me. I was pretty furious because he never ever indicated that he had a girlfriend and had I known I would never ever have asked him to my function. This left me dateless for semi formal but I had a wonderful time anyways. I won the award for being most high maintenance, not much has changed in this regard.
I decided to participate on the sorority’s executive board and was elected to be vice president chapter development. We had some internal sorority issues, we were struggling with rush and getting girls and there were just some ongoing things.
I went home for the holidays and worked at O’Charleys. I rang in 2000 working which looking back is fitting because I’ve actually worked multiple jobs at the same time since 2000. I got back up to school and had a phone call to see if I wanted to model in a bridal show. I jumped at the chance! After the show I approached the store owner for a job and she hired me.
I started working in the store selling wedding gowns and formal wear and my lifelong love of beautiful clothes had an outlet. To this day that remains the best job I’ve ever had. The best part of this story is the store owner is still in my life and I go visit Boone at least once a year, although I prefer to get up there more than just once.
Spring brought the Stranded Islander function. It happened to coincide with UNCC’s spring break and at a party I met RS. He had been at App long enough to pledge TKE and then had to transfer to UNCC because he flunked out because he majored in partying. He was tall and skinny and I thought him to be irresistible… I took him home with me. Then I took him to my date function.
His sorority big brother was the boyfriend of my roommate Tiffany's sorority big sister ALA (confusing I know) so before the function we all went out to dinner then we went back to some apartment for a pre party and then we went to our function. I had the best time and then said good bye to him at the end of that weekend. What I didn’t know, he had a girlfriend back in Charlotte. Whenever I would come home I would always hope to run into him but never did while I was in school.
Before the end of spring semester things with the sorority had gone from bad to worse and I handed in my resignation. I did not want to have anything to do with the threesomes and crazy stuff that was going on. I was no angel but I didn’t want my name associated with threesomes and girl on girl action. It didn’t go over very well that I was resigning. I was still on the sorority floor which made it super awkward.
Tiffany didn’t hand in her resignation until after the semester was over. We made plans to move in to another dorm that fall.
In order to keep my fabulous job at the bridal store I had to be able to stay in Boone for the summer. I found a job as a conference assistant which provided a room and I helped check in camps and conferences as well as working at the bridal store.
While hanging out at a friends place one night I met DM. He was a big guy and a huge sweetheart. He asked me out on a date and I liked him, A LOT. In fact in some ways S reminds me of him a little. DM had broken up with his girlfriend and he and I would hang out and watch movies. Unfortunately I had to go home because of mono and while I was home he got back together with the ex-girlfriend. I think she hates me to do this day.
August 2000 Tiffany and I moved into the new dorm and continued working together at the bridal store. I had my 21st birthday and started talking to a guy who I knew through CAR. JV was in school in another state and had broken up with his fiancé sometime over the summer. I’m really not sure what the attraction for me was but he and I would talk for hours on the phone. I ended up flying out to see him over my fall break.
After that visit I never really heard from him again. In January at the very beginning of spring semester my senior year RF came into my life. He knew Tiffany from her freshman year. He had already graduated and lived in Hickory but would come up for the weekends sometimes to hang out with his friends.
Tiffany never really liked him, she didn’t trust him. He was good looking, I’m not sure at all what his attraction for me was. Tiffany and I were out with her little sister celebrating Julie’s b’day. RF was there with his friends. He got my number and we hung out a few times. He quit calling me entirely after a few weeks.
One night Tiffany and I were out at the same bar, Mike and Willy’s, no longer open but it was THE place to go that year. I knew he would have a tab at the bar so T and I charged all our drinks on his tab that night. To this day I wonder if he ever figured out where all those extra drink charges came from.
My college days were fast coming to a close. April 2001 I attended CAR national convention. I had hoped JV would be there and I purchased a stunning red ball gown and I had lost weight and wanted to knock his socks off. He wasn’t there. I roomed with a friend of mine from CA and she was friends with BT.
BT was 7 years older than I was and living in Atlanta. He was super intelligent and he and I talked and talked and talked. I gave him my email and phone number and returned to Boone to finish up my last semester. It took BT a week to call me. He had something come up at work and had to spend a few days and nights working to get the problem fixed.
I found out I was 1 hour of a PE short from graduating on time. It worked out because I stayed one more semester to take that PE class. My parents paid the rent for a sublet room that I shared with Tiffany. BT came up to see me the week after I graduated. He and I hung out and had fun. He and I dated through that summer.
I spent a week in July at his place down in Atlanta. His sister took me out one night, I had sushi for the first time and she and I bonded, in a big way. In fact she and I are still friends. I kept waiting for BT to say that we were exclusive and that he felt something for me but it wasn’t happening. His birthday came and went and I was there to help celebrate that. Finally I sent him a letter and told him if he couldn’t even say he would only see me exclusively then we didn’t need to see each other any longer. It was a really long letter and I found out a few years later he never read the letter until he was moving from that place into his new place.
August 1997 I was coming off of a summer long regional tour. I was a member of Children of the American Revolution (CAR) and I served on National Board as a chairman. We would travel to the 9 different regions during the summertime to present the programs for the year. That summer I had travelled to Seattle, WA, then I flew home to go to college orientation. I flew out to St. Louis, then connected with friends and drove down to New Orleans, from New Orleans we drove to Nashville, then on to Huntsville, AL after Huntsville I stopped over in Kentucky with a friend (who was also on tour) and her family. We drove to Indianapolis, then over to Gettysburg where I stayed with another family who was on tour and then we drove to DC and finally the tour ended in New Hampshire. CAR during tour was very much like a huge family and I am so incredibly thankful to have had the opportunity.
During the year it would become a lot more political but in the summer that was the fun! It was really my first “normal” interaction with guys. In high school I didn’t have guy friends and I didn’t know how to talk to them. So it was awesome for me to spend all this time with kids both my age or a little older or younger. The national board would present skits to introduce the programs so we did skits that were kid friendly and would involve our members. Examples of our skits, we had a fun Top Gun skit, I got to be the flight attendant for the Mission Impossible skit, we had so much fun with each other and involving our members at the end by asking them to read out of the summer packet the objects for their local and state societies.
I lost weight over that summer. It was my first time buying diet pills and being on my own to where I didn’t “have” to eat. I started college and that very first weekend I went over to an apartment, back story.. N, who I went to high school with, invited me over to her boyfriends place for a get together of friends. She’d met two girls on her floor (4th) and they had all been hanging out and I lived on the 6th floor of the same dorm. I go over and we’re all watching Tin Cup. This guy walks in and he’s LOUD and somehow I end up back at his apartment. I’m not yet 18 years old. It never occurred to me that this would be a bad idea to go back to some guys apartment who I DID NOT KNOW. JL and I ended up talking all night long literally.
He actually was raised right (I know his Mama now because he will be in my life again and he took the couch and let me have the bed. He asked me if he could make me dinner that night when he dropped me off at my dorm the next morning. He fixed me mashed potatoes, green beans and chicken and had friends come up for dinner, they both had the same name but I don’t remember now what that name was. Sunday he took me up to the Moses Cone Manor and we walked and then watched the sun set and then he kissed me and so I had my first kiss when I was 18.
He ended things a day or two later. His reasoning I was too young and had too much growing up to do and he was absolutely right but I didn’t want to hear this. I would spend that freshman year running into him and hoping that he would change his mind and want to date me. I was pretty naïve and young and I just had no clue when it came to relationships. I went out with my friends. My next door neighbors had somehow met 2 Sig Eps who lived across the street from Campus, FC and DI. FC was a tennis player who was just hot. We were over there on the day after his 21st b’day and he had been given a bottle of tequila I did shots for the first time ever. I would again be lucky in that he didn’t take advantage of the situation.
At this point in college I had friends who talked about their friend with benefits. They weren’t necessarily having sex but they were sleeping together. So this was a point in my life where I was ready to leave behind all the things that I had heard for my WHOLE life. I also think that the fact that I hated myself factored into my pursuit of self destruction. I did not care. I had stated that my motto was to party as hard as I could and be dead by the time I was 30… Seeing as how I’m 30 now it’s a little weird but back to the story.
A few weeks later I would end up hooking up with DI, again I was fortunate that the guy didn’t take advantage of the situation. DI and I would run into each other on campus the rest of my college career and he was always one of those guys who was just nice. He always said hello and always asked how I was. I think he became a police officer but I’m not sure.
Second semester freshman year I dated a rugby player. He had broken up with someone and I’m pretty sure I was rebound girl. I had bought him a valentines present and he broke up with me the week before. I also found out that he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend from high school.
The final week of college I was at a party and JL was there. We ended up hanging out that entire night and I was so happy. Then as he walked me back to my dorm we ended up making out (just making out) against a brick wall and ruining my very first pair of black pants that my next door neighbor had given me. I actually kept those pants for a few years after that and wore long tops over them. To this day I smile at this memory.
Summer time I worked at Sears in the kid department. I didn’t go out with the exception of 1 date. I babysat for a family and she called me wanting to set me up. I went on 2 dates with the guy. He was so completely not my type that it never went anywhere. I was SO ready to get back to school with all my friends.
August 1998 sophomore year I started out with the same roommate that I had all freshman year. But she had gone through a traumatic breakup over the summer. Her almost fiancé had cheated on her and she found out about it. She and I quit speaking to each other somewhere around half way through that first semester. My new partner in crime, Tiffany, moved in to the room next to us. She was petite and blonde and the first time I ever saw her I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever met. She was also fun!
Tiffany and I would go to parties together. I went through rush and then she was the pledge class right after mine. She and I were 2 peas in a pod. We both worked at the sub shop on campus. She had broken up with her long time boyfriend right before starting classes. Her roommate and my roommate were 2 hermits so they would spend all their time together and Tiffany and I were constantly together.
I had thought about JL all summer long and could not wait to run into him. I even invented a reason to call him, I wanted him to buy me alcohol. Boone was dry so you could only get liquor at the ABC store. I knew that I was going to rush a sorority and he had pledged ATO the spring before (party I went to at the very end of the year where he walked me back was an ATO party) so I had plans that this would be my year where I would finally make him see that I was worth having… He went to the ABC store for me.
I went to an ATO party that night or the next and ended up talking to this guy who came back to my dorm room with me (I was NOT the picture of common sense nor safety during college and this kind of makes me cringe that I was so completely clueless) anyways this guy came back but all we did was talk that whole night. I didn’t know this but the guy actually had a girlfriend. He never tried anything at all and truthfully he just talked to me. I thought he was really interesting and he’s another one who when I would see him on campus I would just wave and say hello.
There were a few weeks where JL and I became “friends” with benefits but to call him a friend at that point is stretching it. I was head over heels for that boy and I wasn’t good enough for him, or at least I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes. When he made me walk to class from him apartment because he wouldn’t get up to take me back for the 3rd or 4th time I quit going over there. I wanted him to want me but he didn’t.
Unfortunately when you’re as self destructive as I was you are bound to eventually put yourself in a place where you are hurt and hurt badly. The roommate situation had deteriorated for Tiffany and I so we decided to move in together on the sorority floor for the spring semester. Some of my very favorite memories are the nights when she and I would watch movies and eat popcorn and play SkipBo on our fold out couch that was black that we bought at Walmart.
We would go out and walk the loop one or 2 times for exercise a lot of nights. We also walked to get her car which was only a few miles away but people thought we were crazy for walking the way that we did. But we enjoyed it and it never bothered us. Unbeknownst to me she was going through my drawers throwing away my diet and caffeine pills. We were going to parties and having fun. I was eating as little as possible and trying to be thin so I would have a boyfriend.
Spring semester of my sophomore year ended and I was single. I moved back to Charlotte for the summer to work. This time I decided to waitress and I was hired at O’Charleys. It was a good experience for me and actually I loved working in a restaurant. I could make a “lot” (relative term I was in college) of money in a few hours, I was moving around, I liked the other servers, I decided to wait tables because I wanted to be a flight attendant and I knew the airlines looked favorably on this type of experience. That summer all I could think about was getting back to Boone and my friends and having fun and partying. In Charlotte I was pretty isolated and didn’t have a car so I would go to work and home and that was pretty much it.
August 1999 Junior year Tiffany and I were living on the sorority floor. I had a new found confidence after waiting tables. We were out at Macadoo’s Restaurant one night and I thought our server was SO cute!! So I wrote a check for my meal and left my number on the check and sure enough he called me. YS was a Delta Chi and older.
I took him with me to my homecoming function. I asked him to go to semi formal with me. He backed out at the last minute. The reason, his girlfriend was in town. I found this out because I had a friend who worked at Macadoo’s and she told me. I was pretty furious because he never ever indicated that he had a girlfriend and had I known I would never ever have asked him to my function. This left me dateless for semi formal but I had a wonderful time anyways. I won the award for being most high maintenance, not much has changed in this regard.
I decided to participate on the sorority’s executive board and was elected to be vice president chapter development. We had some internal sorority issues, we were struggling with rush and getting girls and there were just some ongoing things.
I went home for the holidays and worked at O’Charleys. I rang in 2000 working which looking back is fitting because I’ve actually worked multiple jobs at the same time since 2000. I got back up to school and had a phone call to see if I wanted to model in a bridal show. I jumped at the chance! After the show I approached the store owner for a job and she hired me.
I started working in the store selling wedding gowns and formal wear and my lifelong love of beautiful clothes had an outlet. To this day that remains the best job I’ve ever had. The best part of this story is the store owner is still in my life and I go visit Boone at least once a year, although I prefer to get up there more than just once.
Spring brought the Stranded Islander function. It happened to coincide with UNCC’s spring break and at a party I met RS. He had been at App long enough to pledge TKE and then had to transfer to UNCC because he flunked out because he majored in partying. He was tall and skinny and I thought him to be irresistible… I took him home with me. Then I took him to my date function.
His sorority big brother was the boyfriend of my roommate Tiffany's sorority big sister ALA (confusing I know) so before the function we all went out to dinner then we went back to some apartment for a pre party and then we went to our function. I had the best time and then said good bye to him at the end of that weekend. What I didn’t know, he had a girlfriend back in Charlotte. Whenever I would come home I would always hope to run into him but never did while I was in school.
Before the end of spring semester things with the sorority had gone from bad to worse and I handed in my resignation. I did not want to have anything to do with the threesomes and crazy stuff that was going on. I was no angel but I didn’t want my name associated with threesomes and girl on girl action. It didn’t go over very well that I was resigning. I was still on the sorority floor which made it super awkward.
Tiffany didn’t hand in her resignation until after the semester was over. We made plans to move in to another dorm that fall.
In order to keep my fabulous job at the bridal store I had to be able to stay in Boone for the summer. I found a job as a conference assistant which provided a room and I helped check in camps and conferences as well as working at the bridal store.
While hanging out at a friends place one night I met DM. He was a big guy and a huge sweetheart. He asked me out on a date and I liked him, A LOT. In fact in some ways S reminds me of him a little. DM had broken up with his girlfriend and he and I would hang out and watch movies. Unfortunately I had to go home because of mono and while I was home he got back together with the ex-girlfriend. I think she hates me to do this day.
August 2000 Tiffany and I moved into the new dorm and continued working together at the bridal store. I had my 21st birthday and started talking to a guy who I knew through CAR. JV was in school in another state and had broken up with his fiancé sometime over the summer. I’m really not sure what the attraction for me was but he and I would talk for hours on the phone. I ended up flying out to see him over my fall break.
After that visit I never really heard from him again. In January at the very beginning of spring semester my senior year RF came into my life. He knew Tiffany from her freshman year. He had already graduated and lived in Hickory but would come up for the weekends sometimes to hang out with his friends.
Tiffany never really liked him, she didn’t trust him. He was good looking, I’m not sure at all what his attraction for me was. Tiffany and I were out with her little sister celebrating Julie’s b’day. RF was there with his friends. He got my number and we hung out a few times. He quit calling me entirely after a few weeks.
One night Tiffany and I were out at the same bar, Mike and Willy’s, no longer open but it was THE place to go that year. I knew he would have a tab at the bar so T and I charged all our drinks on his tab that night. To this day I wonder if he ever figured out where all those extra drink charges came from.
My college days were fast coming to a close. April 2001 I attended CAR national convention. I had hoped JV would be there and I purchased a stunning red ball gown and I had lost weight and wanted to knock his socks off. He wasn’t there. I roomed with a friend of mine from CA and she was friends with BT.
BT was 7 years older than I was and living in Atlanta. He was super intelligent and he and I talked and talked and talked. I gave him my email and phone number and returned to Boone to finish up my last semester. It took BT a week to call me. He had something come up at work and had to spend a few days and nights working to get the problem fixed.
I found out I was 1 hour of a PE short from graduating on time. It worked out because I stayed one more semester to take that PE class. My parents paid the rent for a sublet room that I shared with Tiffany. BT came up to see me the week after I graduated. He and I hung out and had fun. He and I dated through that summer.
I spent a week in July at his place down in Atlanta. His sister took me out one night, I had sushi for the first time and she and I bonded, in a big way. In fact she and I are still friends. I kept waiting for BT to say that we were exclusive and that he felt something for me but it wasn’t happening. His birthday came and went and I was there to help celebrate that. Finally I sent him a letter and told him if he couldn’t even say he would only see me exclusively then we didn’t need to see each other any longer. It was a really long letter and I found out a few years later he never read the letter until he was moving from that place into his new place.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
5 months
OK so perhaps I'm not looking at this with the right perspective. I thought I would hear the L word after 3 months. Then surely when I didn't hear it then after 4 months and then that date came and went.
Last night S and I are walking and we are towards the end of our walk and I said "S can I ask you something that is really bugging me?" He just looks at me like you always ask me stuff. So I jump right in "How do you feel about me, I mean it's been 5 months how do you really feel?" Him "I like you a lot". In my own head THAT'S IT YOU JUST LIKE ME A LOT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL VERY SURE OF WHERE THINGS ARE GOING HERE. S "why are you asking?" Me, "because I just wonder if you're waiting for someone better to come along". I've probably left him scratching his head.
To his credit he's good about calling and emailing and hanging out and doing stuff. I just wonder if you don't know at 5 months and the best you can give me is a lame I really like you a lot then it's not giving me a whole lot of hope that this one is really going to go anywhere. I have to think about it some more.
Last night S and I are walking and we are towards the end of our walk and I said "S can I ask you something that is really bugging me?" He just looks at me like you always ask me stuff. So I jump right in "How do you feel about me, I mean it's been 5 months how do you really feel?" Him "I like you a lot". In my own head THAT'S IT YOU JUST LIKE ME A LOT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL VERY SURE OF WHERE THINGS ARE GOING HERE. S "why are you asking?" Me, "because I just wonder if you're waiting for someone better to come along". I've probably left him scratching his head.
To his credit he's good about calling and emailing and hanging out and doing stuff. I just wonder if you don't know at 5 months and the best you can give me is a lame I really like you a lot then it's not giving me a whole lot of hope that this one is really going to go anywhere. I have to think about it some more.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Homecoming 5K
J,me and B before the race
S holding my stuff while I pin on my number, it was so cold that day!
Waiting to Start, I think B&J are the cutest couple!!!
And we're off!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Mom's Response
"Thank you for answering him with positives. Yes, I would love to go and celebrate with her family, we would not have to stay long but would have fun being with the girls. It would be lovely to have a place to go and relax after we arrive on Thursday and you are right we would like to get to know her family, they are who she is. He is right if I have been invited to something I do try to make every effort to be there. The hosts have counted me in and will have to pay for me either way so might as well go and have fun.
Talked with Aunt MA and then Uncle M about this weekend (engagement party). He wanted to know if I knew of anyone who will be sleeping under the stars with him down on the farm. I didn’t. I offered any help that my sister might need for this weekend but she seems to have all things covered. Said there were a lot of maybe’s and not a lot of affirmations of people committing to being there, which is hard to plan for. I asked when C would be coming in and was told that she would not be attending. That C had the opportunity to go to LA to help with an ongoing Elon project of rebuilding someplace struck by Katrina. All students are encouraged to give one break to volunteer down there, and C feels that she has been given so much that she should do this. Well BIG WHOP, again I think MA is setting up a pattern that will come back to bite her. I feel that a compromise could have been reached where she could have come back a day earlier and been a part of the family celebration. MA also told me that they would probably not be home for Thanksgiving as they would still be in Italy. I told her we would miss them while we ate our turkey with the family and UM and her inlaws."
OK so I get a little irritated with this last little bit because I remember there was a Thanksgiving where my Dad wanted to go back to Washington State to spend the holiday with some of his aunt's and uncles and my mom pitched an absolute fit, "she didn't know how much longer she would have with her parents and why did he need to go out there" and it went on and I felt so bad for my Dad. So I responded to her email
"Fortunately C still does want to be with the family and she does make an effort to be there. We knew she wouldn’t be here for thanksgiving when she started talking about studying abroad and it’s fine, it’s an opportunity and I know that we prefer to be together but Dad hasn’t been back to the west coast for any holidays since at least B and I were born. I know they don’t celebrate the way that we do but I’m just saying."
Again I'm having to watch the whole mood thing because especially with email I could come across more caustically then I meant to, so I'm writing it out =)
Talked with Aunt MA and then Uncle M about this weekend (engagement party). He wanted to know if I knew of anyone who will be sleeping under the stars with him down on the farm. I didn’t. I offered any help that my sister might need for this weekend but she seems to have all things covered. Said there were a lot of maybe’s and not a lot of affirmations of people committing to being there, which is hard to plan for. I asked when C would be coming in and was told that she would not be attending. That C had the opportunity to go to LA to help with an ongoing Elon project of rebuilding someplace struck by Katrina. All students are encouraged to give one break to volunteer down there, and C feels that she has been given so much that she should do this. Well BIG WHOP, again I think MA is setting up a pattern that will come back to bite her. I feel that a compromise could have been reached where she could have come back a day earlier and been a part of the family celebration. MA also told me that they would probably not be home for Thanksgiving as they would still be in Italy. I told her we would miss them while we ate our turkey with the family and UM and her inlaws."
OK so I get a little irritated with this last little bit because I remember there was a Thanksgiving where my Dad wanted to go back to Washington State to spend the holiday with some of his aunt's and uncles and my mom pitched an absolute fit, "she didn't know how much longer she would have with her parents and why did he need to go out there" and it went on and I felt so bad for my Dad. So I responded to her email
"Fortunately C still does want to be with the family and she does make an effort to be there. We knew she wouldn’t be here for thanksgiving when she started talking about studying abroad and it’s fine, it’s an opportunity and I know that we prefer to be together but Dad hasn’t been back to the west coast for any holidays since at least B and I were born. I know they don’t celebrate the way that we do but I’m just saying."
Again I'm having to watch the whole mood thing because especially with email I could come across more caustically then I meant to, so I'm writing it out =)
Sometimes....
Some months I am completely fine and then other months this raging monster is released and I become moody bitchy irritable fine one minute and spewing nastiness the next. That very last part for the most part I keep in tight check and I don’t let myself say what I want. I have learned that you can keep a hold of your tongue as hard as it is. The crying at the drop of a hat I have a harder time keeping control of. I don’t get it and it annoys me because it messes up my eye makeup and my eye makeup takes me a good 10-20 minutes in the morning but I don’t have a whole lot of control over it.
I received the following email from my brother
“Hi L, J's Family is throwing a Lingerie party for her on the friday before our wedding... She said her mom wanted to invite you and mom and the aunts, but I felt awkward inviting my mom to a lingerie shower for my bride to be... What are your thoughts? She also said that they were doing something thursday night and that I was to extend an invitation for those. Their family operates very differently regarding invitations... they don't EXPECT people to come to things like mom feels obligated to if invited... I know that she will have just traveled the state with Grandma and will be worn out... I dunno. Input, neeeed input. Hope things are going well with you,
Love, B”
So I responded
“B, Mom would love to be included in the lingerie shower, remember this is the same lady who reads trashy romance novels (or maybe not so trashy but romance novels non the less). I think it would be great if mom and the aunts and C and Grandmommy were included. Seriously it’s not going to be a big deal. When they say lingerie it’s usually nothing more than Vic Secret. We’re not talking a toy party, that I might be less inclined to include them.
It would be awesome if they wanted to do something Thursday night, sure everyone is going to be tired but we’re also excited at the upcoming event and if we all were able to do something together then that will be a good chance for both of our families to talk to each other before the wedding. Our family wants to get to know her family and it would be way better if everyone has the opportunity to hang out and spend time with each other so that the whole atmosphere will be how you want it, fun!!! As for the tired factor we don’t have to stay late but that gives us the opportunity to all be excited together!
I’m staying busy that’s for sure!! I worked bridal store and restaurant on Saturday and Sunday had a run and then S and I went to his friends for dinner. This week is already booked out and then your party is on Saturday and I’m looking forward to that. The weeks are flying by!!!
I hope things are going well with you!!
Love L”
He responded
“Thank you very very much, you have helped my perspective tremendously...”
I forwarded the first exchange to my mom and said
“Good morning, hope ya’ll had a wonderful evening!!! Start at the bottom and read B’s email and the read my response. He’s excited and nervous and it’s B and we love him! He’s not ashamed of his family but he’s like Grandaddy in that he wants to take care of us his way!!
Wow I still have a nasty case of PMS I hate being so moody! I teared up writing that last part"
For the most part it just annoys me that I get so moody, I prefer even keel or at least highly caffeineted and moving through my work at the speed of light. Speaking of work I better get back to it as for once I actually have quite a bit to do!!!
I received the following email from my brother
“Hi L, J's Family is throwing a Lingerie party for her on the friday before our wedding... She said her mom wanted to invite you and mom and the aunts, but I felt awkward inviting my mom to a lingerie shower for my bride to be... What are your thoughts? She also said that they were doing something thursday night and that I was to extend an invitation for those. Their family operates very differently regarding invitations... they don't EXPECT people to come to things like mom feels obligated to if invited... I know that she will have just traveled the state with Grandma and will be worn out... I dunno. Input, neeeed input. Hope things are going well with you,
Love, B”
So I responded
“B, Mom would love to be included in the lingerie shower, remember this is the same lady who reads trashy romance novels (or maybe not so trashy but romance novels non the less). I think it would be great if mom and the aunts and C and Grandmommy were included. Seriously it’s not going to be a big deal. When they say lingerie it’s usually nothing more than Vic Secret. We’re not talking a toy party, that I might be less inclined to include them.
It would be awesome if they wanted to do something Thursday night, sure everyone is going to be tired but we’re also excited at the upcoming event and if we all were able to do something together then that will be a good chance for both of our families to talk to each other before the wedding. Our family wants to get to know her family and it would be way better if everyone has the opportunity to hang out and spend time with each other so that the whole atmosphere will be how you want it, fun!!! As for the tired factor we don’t have to stay late but that gives us the opportunity to all be excited together!
I’m staying busy that’s for sure!! I worked bridal store and restaurant on Saturday and Sunday had a run and then S and I went to his friends for dinner. This week is already booked out and then your party is on Saturday and I’m looking forward to that. The weeks are flying by!!!
I hope things are going well with you!!
Love L”
He responded
“Thank you very very much, you have helped my perspective tremendously...”
I forwarded the first exchange to my mom and said
“Good morning, hope ya’ll had a wonderful evening!!! Start at the bottom and read B’s email and the read my response. He’s excited and nervous and it’s B and we love him! He’s not ashamed of his family but he’s like Grandaddy in that he wants to take care of us his way!!
Wow I still have a nasty case of PMS I hate being so moody! I teared up writing that last part"
For the most part it just annoys me that I get so moody, I prefer even keel or at least highly caffeineted and moving through my work at the speed of light. Speaking of work I better get back to it as for once I actually have quite a bit to do!!!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Final Decision
I have decided not to run the cooper river bridge run in Charleston. I'm not a fan of crowds and I personally have never had the desire to run this. Apparently it's a big deal to run it. S told me he's always wanted to, the manager at the bridal store where I helped out on Saturday said she's always wanted to run it. My FRB had always wanted to go participate.
Perhaps because it was FRB's thing I just have not really wanted to go, or perhaps because it's just never been on my list. My list includes a trip to Greece, a trip to CA wine country, a trip to Spain, a trip to the Grand Canyon, and a cruise. I think there's more on my list but that's just a few.
S told me that since he's always kind of wanted to do this he promises he will not be upset of irritated at me fo not going. If I already had my packet that would be one thing. If my brother's engagement party wasn't the same day (rescheduled from December) and we weren't going to have to run and turn right around and drive back then that would be another thing. So I have the pleasure of not stressing, staying in town, staying with the puppies, running my long run on Saturday morning, and in general enjoying this "me" time.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE to visit Charelston, just not when there are thousands of other runners all converging on the city for a weekend.
Perhaps because it was FRB's thing I just have not really wanted to go, or perhaps because it's just never been on my list. My list includes a trip to Greece, a trip to CA wine country, a trip to Spain, a trip to the Grand Canyon, and a cruise. I think there's more on my list but that's just a few.
S told me that since he's always kind of wanted to do this he promises he will not be upset of irritated at me fo not going. If I already had my packet that would be one thing. If my brother's engagement party wasn't the same day (rescheduled from December) and we weren't going to have to run and turn right around and drive back then that would be another thing. So I have the pleasure of not stressing, staying in town, staying with the puppies, running my long run on Saturday morning, and in general enjoying this "me" time.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE to visit Charelston, just not when there are thousands of other runners all converging on the city for a weekend.
Monday
I'm sitting at my desk thinking about Easter Candy. I have plenty of work that is awaiting my attention. I've eaten, I've had plenty of coffee...
I want candy, if I had a bag in front of me right now I would eat the whole thing. Preferably the yummy easter chocolate, the cadbury eggs, the malted eggs, the little egg chocolates, the bag of assorted variety...
I have been doing my best not to buy candy to sit in my desk drawer and tempt me. I have avoided the purchase of a bag of empty calories. I know there are people out there who honestly don't like sweets and I am just not one of those people.
I love ice cream, I love soft brownies, I love soft cookies, I love cookie dough, I love apple pie, cherry pie, I love the cookies that are peanut butter inside with chocolate outside and I seriously wish I could find that recipe... I love the oreo truffles that my Aunt L makes, it's a package of oreos and a brick of cream cheese and then you put those in a food processor and then roll into balls and dip into chocolate and then drizzle white chocolate over top refridgerate and then they are done.
Oddly enough writing all this out I finally feel less hungry and now I can focus on my work
I want candy, if I had a bag in front of me right now I would eat the whole thing. Preferably the yummy easter chocolate, the cadbury eggs, the malted eggs, the little egg chocolates, the bag of assorted variety...
I have been doing my best not to buy candy to sit in my desk drawer and tempt me. I have avoided the purchase of a bag of empty calories. I know there are people out there who honestly don't like sweets and I am just not one of those people.
I love ice cream, I love soft brownies, I love soft cookies, I love cookie dough, I love apple pie, cherry pie, I love the cookies that are peanut butter inside with chocolate outside and I seriously wish I could find that recipe... I love the oreo truffles that my Aunt L makes, it's a package of oreos and a brick of cream cheese and then you put those in a food processor and then roll into balls and dip into chocolate and then drizzle white chocolate over top refridgerate and then they are done.
Oddly enough writing all this out I finally feel less hungry and now I can focus on my work
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Thoughts
It was an interesting weekend. Friday night I had the best of intentions for going to the gym but I got to S’s place and the puppies were running around and it was beautiful outside and I scrapped my weight training plans. I did make chocolate chip toffee cookies that S was supposed to take in to his office on Saturday but he forgot them on the table so assorted neighbors and friends received them instead.
Saturday I agreed to work at the bridal store where I worked April-September 2003. I wasn’t very successful at the position so I moved on into a job in insurance and I have since been able to go back in and help them with crowd control on days when they need an extra body. I really enjoy the time talking to the ladies and the clothes are beautiful! They were having an Amsale trunk show and the gowns were just dreamy!!! I can’t imagine walking in and saying that my gown budget was $5,000, foreign concept to me! If you watch Say Yes to the Dress then that’s what my day Saturday day was like.
I ran home for a few minutes to change clothes and take Jack out. Then it was on to the restaurant. My very favorite manager’s last night was Saturday so there was a special dinner and we had cake. Blue icing before starting a shift is a bad idea! I was SO tired by the time I got home on Saturday night!!!
Sunday I was getting ready to walk out the door and my dress caught on the washing machine door and ripped so I had to do a quick change. S was supposed to be at my place a little after noon on yesterday but he forgot his wallet and had to turn around and go back. He didn’t get to my place til almost 2 and we had to eat and then we had a long run planned. It was raining; our run wasn’t starting til 3:30, so I told him he could go on and does the run in the rain but I was going to do speed work on the treadmill instead. I did speed work for 70 minutes running above my normal pace. I had to stop a few times towards the end because I felt sick but I guess it’s a good thing that I was pushing so hard!! We had dinner plans with his friends so this allowed me time to go home and get ready and organize my clutter before we had to leave. I felt so much better after running and then my shower, I had a raging case of PMS yesterday to the point where I was either crying or grumpy and there wasn’t much in between so the run probably helped level some of that out too, at least for a little bit.
He and I go to his friends for dinner and it was great! I enjoyed it! Then on the way back we were talking and this whole 5 months, no L word, not exactly sure what he’s thinking or how he feels is starting to get to me. Maybe it was being in the bridal world the day before, I’m not sure, but I just felt antsy. So he was talking about the next purchase if it’s going to be a car or a boat and I was like “do I fit anywhere into your thoughts for the future?” “I mean really are you just killing time or do you possibly see a future with me” Totally caught him off guard. He was like “so you don’t like boats?” To which I replied that no I love boats and Grandaddy always had boats in the summer time at the lake house. This conversation happened as we were pulling into my parking lot.
Driving to work this morning I was thinking about it further. I was thinking about what if he’s the type of guy who feels like he needs a year or 2 before proposing and that’s going to put me at 31-32 and I’m not sure I have that much patience. And then I thought about how right before I turned 28 I was having a conversation with C about where I wanted to be at 30. I walked away from him with very good reasons and I don’t regret that. It’s taken me a long time to meet S and he’s really awesome. I don’t want to break up with him because he’s not on my time frame and then regret that decision because 2 years from now I’m still single because let’s face it, it’s really incredibly difficult to meet a guy who’s genuine and awesome and fun and all around fabulous the way S is. But it’s getting to me that I have no idea how he really feels. I need to hear the words and be reassured and that would actually buy him quite a bit of time but I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t just say stuff to say it.
I’m also aware that, again, I have raging PMS and it definitely makes me crazy. I have done plenty of crazy things because of this factor and later regretted them. So for now I’m trying to get ahold of my runaway emotions. I’m frustrated and unsure and while he’s my friend and I think he’s the greatest guy I also would really like to have a clearer idea of what he’s thinking.
Saturday I agreed to work at the bridal store where I worked April-September 2003. I wasn’t very successful at the position so I moved on into a job in insurance and I have since been able to go back in and help them with crowd control on days when they need an extra body. I really enjoy the time talking to the ladies and the clothes are beautiful! They were having an Amsale trunk show and the gowns were just dreamy!!! I can’t imagine walking in and saying that my gown budget was $5,000, foreign concept to me! If you watch Say Yes to the Dress then that’s what my day Saturday day was like.
I ran home for a few minutes to change clothes and take Jack out. Then it was on to the restaurant. My very favorite manager’s last night was Saturday so there was a special dinner and we had cake. Blue icing before starting a shift is a bad idea! I was SO tired by the time I got home on Saturday night!!!
Sunday I was getting ready to walk out the door and my dress caught on the washing machine door and ripped so I had to do a quick change. S was supposed to be at my place a little after noon on yesterday but he forgot his wallet and had to turn around and go back. He didn’t get to my place til almost 2 and we had to eat and then we had a long run planned. It was raining; our run wasn’t starting til 3:30, so I told him he could go on and does the run in the rain but I was going to do speed work on the treadmill instead. I did speed work for 70 minutes running above my normal pace. I had to stop a few times towards the end because I felt sick but I guess it’s a good thing that I was pushing so hard!! We had dinner plans with his friends so this allowed me time to go home and get ready and organize my clutter before we had to leave. I felt so much better after running and then my shower, I had a raging case of PMS yesterday to the point where I was either crying or grumpy and there wasn’t much in between so the run probably helped level some of that out too, at least for a little bit.
He and I go to his friends for dinner and it was great! I enjoyed it! Then on the way back we were talking and this whole 5 months, no L word, not exactly sure what he’s thinking or how he feels is starting to get to me. Maybe it was being in the bridal world the day before, I’m not sure, but I just felt antsy. So he was talking about the next purchase if it’s going to be a car or a boat and I was like “do I fit anywhere into your thoughts for the future?” “I mean really are you just killing time or do you possibly see a future with me” Totally caught him off guard. He was like “so you don’t like boats?” To which I replied that no I love boats and Grandaddy always had boats in the summer time at the lake house. This conversation happened as we were pulling into my parking lot.
Driving to work this morning I was thinking about it further. I was thinking about what if he’s the type of guy who feels like he needs a year or 2 before proposing and that’s going to put me at 31-32 and I’m not sure I have that much patience. And then I thought about how right before I turned 28 I was having a conversation with C about where I wanted to be at 30. I walked away from him with very good reasons and I don’t regret that. It’s taken me a long time to meet S and he’s really awesome. I don’t want to break up with him because he’s not on my time frame and then regret that decision because 2 years from now I’m still single because let’s face it, it’s really incredibly difficult to meet a guy who’s genuine and awesome and fun and all around fabulous the way S is. But it’s getting to me that I have no idea how he really feels. I need to hear the words and be reassured and that would actually buy him quite a bit of time but I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t just say stuff to say it.
I’m also aware that, again, I have raging PMS and it definitely makes me crazy. I have done plenty of crazy things because of this factor and later regretted them. So for now I’m trying to get ahold of my runaway emotions. I’m frustrated and unsure and while he’s my friend and I think he’s the greatest guy I also would really like to have a clearer idea of what he’s thinking.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Former Employer
I used to work for an insurance agency. It was horrible. I loved my coworkers and I enjoyed our clients but the owners were a different story.
When I left I promised one of my counterparts I would keep a lookout for job openings. The first one that came open I immediately notified her. She applied and delightfully she got the job. So my producer who I worked with (who I'm also trying to help find a new position) sent me the following email
"V gave her notice yesterday afternoon. I guess R was nice yesterday afternoon but not so nice this morning. LS wouldn't look at or talk to V today. She sent LC to ask her a some questions instead of speaking with V herself. They were ugly with her and then later asked her to stay an extra week to help them out, since R and LS will be on vacation the week after V leaves. :) What comes around goes around. :) I can't help but enjoy their situation. They don't trust K, they've never replaced you, and a new producer started this past Monday. LC is the only person supporting Commercial Lines now. I'll bet they suck up to K and promote her or something, since they're in a bad spot. V said LS told the Personal Lines girls that they need to tell her if they're thinking of leaving, and they need to give at least a month's notice. And they told LC that they thought I would be the one to give notice. V leaving completely blind-sided them. Also, I talked to LC late this afternoon, and she said R told her we need to slam V with submissions before she leaves. I guess he wants her to do as much work as possible before she leaves. These people are really sad. I just wanted to let you know how the first 24 hrs went, so you can enjoy along with me! :)"
Yes this is really what happened. This is why I am SO THANKFUL for the job that I have now.
When I left I promised one of my counterparts I would keep a lookout for job openings. The first one that came open I immediately notified her. She applied and delightfully she got the job. So my producer who I worked with (who I'm also trying to help find a new position) sent me the following email
"V gave her notice yesterday afternoon. I guess R was nice yesterday afternoon but not so nice this morning. LS wouldn't look at or talk to V today. She sent LC to ask her a some questions instead of speaking with V herself. They were ugly with her and then later asked her to stay an extra week to help them out, since R and LS will be on vacation the week after V leaves. :) What comes around goes around. :) I can't help but enjoy their situation. They don't trust K, they've never replaced you, and a new producer started this past Monday. LC is the only person supporting Commercial Lines now. I'll bet they suck up to K and promote her or something, since they're in a bad spot. V said LS told the Personal Lines girls that they need to tell her if they're thinking of leaving, and they need to give at least a month's notice. And they told LC that they thought I would be the one to give notice. V leaving completely blind-sided them. Also, I talked to LC late this afternoon, and she said R told her we need to slam V with submissions before she leaves. I guess he wants her to do as much work as possible before she leaves. These people are really sad. I just wanted to let you know how the first 24 hrs went, so you can enjoy along with me! :)"
Yes this is really what happened. This is why I am SO THANKFUL for the job that I have now.
Takes me back
I love how I can be listening to the radio and in 2 seconds a song will take me back. Sometimes it takes me back to a sad place or sometimes to something that was going on that I related that song to. Today as I was driving back from my lunctime errands the song that came on was one from my days of going out.
I was a party girl (as in I liked to drink til I forgot because obviously I have lots to work on when it comes to accepting myself) and my friend M was my favorite person (and still is) to go out with. It was guaranteed we would have a fun time and the summer of 2002 is full of memories from those nights. Uptown Charlotte in the summertime is just fun! When we would go out we would dance and laugh. She lived uptown so we didn't have to worry about driving. We literally danced the nights away and it was fun! Then after that summer I was usually dating someone and in 2004 she moved to Boston and I lost my going out buddy. The good part is that she's back in NC and when she comes to town we still have just as much fun.
The song that came on the radio that made me think of all this, "days go bye and still I think of you.... days go bye and still I think of you..." It was techno and that was what we danced to. I'm just thankful she shielded me from the drug scene as it was all around me but I never touched it. The prescription diet pills were probably dangerous enough.
I was a party girl (as in I liked to drink til I forgot because obviously I have lots to work on when it comes to accepting myself) and my friend M was my favorite person (and still is) to go out with. It was guaranteed we would have a fun time and the summer of 2002 is full of memories from those nights. Uptown Charlotte in the summertime is just fun! When we would go out we would dance and laugh. She lived uptown so we didn't have to worry about driving. We literally danced the nights away and it was fun! Then after that summer I was usually dating someone and in 2004 she moved to Boston and I lost my going out buddy. The good part is that she's back in NC and when she comes to town we still have just as much fun.
The song that came on the radio that made me think of all this, "days go bye and still I think of you.... days go bye and still I think of you..." It was techno and that was what we danced to. I'm just thankful she shielded me from the drug scene as it was all around me but I never touched it. The prescription diet pills were probably dangerous enough.
To go or not to go
I signed up for the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston back in October. It was FRB who has wanted to do this forever and since I had determined that I would not be doing the Charlotte Thunder Rd 1/2 I agreed to sign up for this one.
The ironic thing is at that b'day dinner we talked about this trip. And then she went on to tell me how she felt and there wasn't anything I could do to fix it and now we no longer speak.
About a week after that dinner she had emailed me (my favorite part of this is the fact that she emailed me from her work email to my personal email during the work day when I was sitting not even a foot away). She told me that her friend wanted to do this one and was going to stay in the hotel room that she had and I should get S to book a room at the hotel because there were still openings. So I did. He registered for the race and he was smart and actually had the packet mailed to him so he has everything that he needs. I didn't realize that I should have that packet mailed and I missed the mailing deadline. Now if I want to pick up my packet I have to be in Charleston before 8pm on Friday. Technically I could take my car and drive separately from S and get this packet but I don't really want to. Right now I truly would rather skip the whole thing.
Last night I asked S what he wanted to do and he wants to run it. So the option could be that he goes down and run and comes back and I stay in town with all the puppies and eat the registration fee that I paid for the race. I need to talk to him about this because to me it feels kind of wrong. I'm the reason he signed up for this thing to begin with and now I'm wanting to back out of it. I need to make sure that if I don't go he won't be upset or think less of me. If I stay in town it will also allow me to get another long run in before the next 1/2 marathon on 4/10.
Personally I have never had any desire to go to this race. I hate lots of people all crowded together and apparently this is one of the worst for that. You don't run this one for time you run it to say that you've run it and I just don't care. I've been to Charleston before and this trip would be driving down and turning right around and driving back because of my brothers engagement party that is on the same day. I'm leaning towards I'm staying home but I did put a post up on my FB page asking if anyone going still needs to pick up their packet and if so will they pick up mine. If I find someone willing to pick up my packet then I will go but if not then I'm probably going to skip this one.
The ironic thing is at that b'day dinner we talked about this trip. And then she went on to tell me how she felt and there wasn't anything I could do to fix it and now we no longer speak.
About a week after that dinner she had emailed me (my favorite part of this is the fact that she emailed me from her work email to my personal email during the work day when I was sitting not even a foot away). She told me that her friend wanted to do this one and was going to stay in the hotel room that she had and I should get S to book a room at the hotel because there were still openings. So I did. He registered for the race and he was smart and actually had the packet mailed to him so he has everything that he needs. I didn't realize that I should have that packet mailed and I missed the mailing deadline. Now if I want to pick up my packet I have to be in Charleston before 8pm on Friday. Technically I could take my car and drive separately from S and get this packet but I don't really want to. Right now I truly would rather skip the whole thing.
Last night I asked S what he wanted to do and he wants to run it. So the option could be that he goes down and run and comes back and I stay in town with all the puppies and eat the registration fee that I paid for the race. I need to talk to him about this because to me it feels kind of wrong. I'm the reason he signed up for this thing to begin with and now I'm wanting to back out of it. I need to make sure that if I don't go he won't be upset or think less of me. If I stay in town it will also allow me to get another long run in before the next 1/2 marathon on 4/10.
Personally I have never had any desire to go to this race. I hate lots of people all crowded together and apparently this is one of the worst for that. You don't run this one for time you run it to say that you've run it and I just don't care. I've been to Charleston before and this trip would be driving down and turning right around and driving back because of my brothers engagement party that is on the same day. I'm leaning towards I'm staying home but I did put a post up on my FB page asking if anyone going still needs to pick up their packet and if so will they pick up mine. If I find someone willing to pick up my packet then I will go but if not then I'm probably going to skip this one.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Vet Visit
So I have to take Jack to the vet next week for his 1 year check up. My dog is in a word antisocial. I love him and he's my precious little puppy boy, however, he tends to ferociously react to people that he doesn't know. He's never bitten anyone but he's definitely scary to those who don't know his sweet side. I'm just not sure what to do to make this trip easier. When I took him to be fixed he would only let the assistant Andrea hold him and she's the only one that he had anything to do with during his stay. She had been the one with us for all his previous appointments. When he swallowed Snicker's pain pill and we had to take him in for an emergency visit to S's vet hospital I let S hand him over and he did a lot better. Unfortunately S will be at work and this is my uncle who I'm taking him to see. Is there such a thing as puppy tranquilizers???
Lunch time shopping
I had to run by TJ Maxx to return some running shorts that didn't fit right. So I figured with that refund I might be able to find some b'day presents my friend K's little boy is turning 1 tomorrow and my college roommates little girl turns 3 next month. I am SO excited at my finds. J who is turning 1 is going to receive an adorable outfit, the bonus, there was an attached pair of crocs. So I got the shorts, shirt and crocs for 12.99. I remember J's older brother LOVED crocs so I figured K would be excited about this outfit too. Then I also found a book that is SO cool!! It's got bright pictures of cars and trucks and boats and planes and all the machines that little boys just LOVE. It was 5.99 so I got the entire b'day present for less than $20.
Then for Kbug, she loves ducks and I found the cutest soft stuffed duck that makes quacking sounds for 4.99 and a huge puzzle that has ABC's and seek and find in the picture for 7.99. I didn't buy an outfit because as much as I love little girl outfits she has more clothes then she can wear as it is.
They had the cutest little Easter outfits for kids it was so much fun just to look through them all!!!
Then for Kbug, she loves ducks and I found the cutest soft stuffed duck that makes quacking sounds for 4.99 and a huge puzzle that has ABC's and seek and find in the picture for 7.99. I didn't buy an outfit because as much as I love little girl outfits she has more clothes then she can wear as it is.
They had the cutest little Easter outfits for kids it was so much fun just to look through them all!!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Co-Workers
I had another co-worker come ask me about FRB. Apparently when she was at her desk the other day talking about continuing ed classes and mentioned I am taking the one in October FRB got very cold very quickly. Instead of her normal bubbly chipper response that great we can all go together she pretty much just shut down. Much like her reaction whenever she sees me.
I have done my very best to continue to act as if nothing has happened.
Before our team meeting on Monday this same co-worker had been asking me about if FRB and I did such and such and I said no and she asked another similar question and I said no and then the meeting started.
So today she came over and said I could tell her it was none of her business but what happened?
So I explained that I respect FRB and that I can not ever state how grateful I am that she got me in the door for this job. Then I told her the story of the b'day dinner and how I've replaced her.
This co-worker said that it's not me but that FRB wants to be in a relationship and she is having a hard time with the fact that I am. To which I just said that yes this is probably a lot of what is going on. I explained that I am doing my best not to make it obvious and she said well it's not you making it obvious.
I have done my very best to continue to act as if nothing has happened.
Before our team meeting on Monday this same co-worker had been asking me about if FRB and I did such and such and I said no and she asked another similar question and I said no and then the meeting started.
So today she came over and said I could tell her it was none of her business but what happened?
So I explained that I respect FRB and that I can not ever state how grateful I am that she got me in the door for this job. Then I told her the story of the b'day dinner and how I've replaced her.
This co-worker said that it's not me but that FRB wants to be in a relationship and she is having a hard time with the fact that I am. To which I just said that yes this is probably a lot of what is going on. I explained that I am doing my best not to make it obvious and she said well it's not you making it obvious.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
2:17
It's probably a bad sign when I have so much trouble staying focused. I have work to do and I am so thankful for this job I have! However, I have to pace myself so I don't "run out" of work. I think this is part of the reason why I have so much trouble staying on task...
At the restaurant when we are crazy busy time flies by (unless we are on a wait and then each second drags more slowly then the last)but for the most part when it's a good busy it means that time goes by quickly.
Here I do have days where I stay busy and I look at the clock and it's almost time to go home.
I can not think of another job I would want to do. Really I do my work and have untold hours to scan blogs and assorted internet fare, it's fantastic!
However when I really should be focusing on this analysis that needs to be done I just want to go dip into my underwriters candy dish for the second time today. Most days I'm able to avoid it entirely now. Yesterday I only went once. Today I've only gone once. I'm hoping that by writing this I will now be able to focus my attention on the analysis that I'm supposed to be working on...
At the restaurant when we are crazy busy time flies by (unless we are on a wait and then each second drags more slowly then the last)but for the most part when it's a good busy it means that time goes by quickly.
Here I do have days where I stay busy and I look at the clock and it's almost time to go home.
I can not think of another job I would want to do. Really I do my work and have untold hours to scan blogs and assorted internet fare, it's fantastic!
However when I really should be focusing on this analysis that needs to be done I just want to go dip into my underwriters candy dish for the second time today. Most days I'm able to avoid it entirely now. Yesterday I only went once. Today I've only gone once. I'm hoping that by writing this I will now be able to focus my attention on the analysis that I'm supposed to be working on...
Team Meeting
I was pleasantly surprised yesterday. I had to have a team meeting and FRB was the one in charge of the meeting. It started off a little akwardly, she wouldn't look at me. Eventually she calmed down and by the end of the meeting it was a very different atmosphere. It was as if she finally realized she could just relax. She fails to see that this is all in her head. I no longer care, the only way this still affects me is the fact that I have to put up with the injured attitude whenever she sees me.
Life is too short. If she was hurt or needed something I would totally be there. When she passed the huge test I went out of my way to say congratulations. Our coworkers have definitely started to pick up on the fact that we no longer talk, I think I did pretty well that they are only just now starting to pick up on it and this happened at the begining of December!
Life is too short. If she was hurt or needed something I would totally be there. When she passed the huge test I went out of my way to say congratulations. Our coworkers have definitely started to pick up on the fact that we no longer talk, I think I did pretty well that they are only just now starting to pick up on it and this happened at the begining of December!
Monday, March 15, 2010
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16
I mentioned that running gives me a lot of time to think. I was thinking about Friday and the little girls who have such huge challenges ahead of them. I thought about all these different scriptures that talk about how we're made in God's image.
When I was going through the classes last spring one thing my friend in the class would remind me of is the fact that God doesn't make junk. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't explain the why of what has happened with these beautiful babies. I cried Friday night, because even though I know life is not fair it still breaks my heart. I know that we're not given a free ride through life. Our relationship with the Heavenly Father and our journey to strive to be more like Jesus every day is what makes the difference between just existing and actually living life. I freely say that God is bigger. I am quick to express how amazing His provision is and how His grace and mercy never fail. For me what I believe brings me through the times when I feel hopeless or I'm struggling to cope with whatever feels so much bigger than me. I called my friend P who I grew up with. I knew she would understand what I was trying to say even though I was going to do a lousy job of verbalizing it. She immediately understood and talked about the fear of the unknown. For her right now it's the thought of losing her mom even though her mom is perfectly healthy. We talked about the heartbreak of hearing something and knowing that other than prayer and offering support there is just nothing you can do. Since we both like to fix things and have solutions we have a hard time acknowledging that we are not the ones in control. We both grew up in the same church and school and we had Bible class all the way through 12th grade. We both realize that we go back to what we know and that is scripture verses. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I think it's human nature to want to hold on tightly to every problem and every challenge and not let go because even though we know we are not the ones in control we still want to feel like we are. I have the hardest time remembering that once I let whatever it is go I'm not supposed to grab it back again!
Yeah long runs = lots of time to reflect
I mentioned that running gives me a lot of time to think. I was thinking about Friday and the little girls who have such huge challenges ahead of them. I thought about all these different scriptures that talk about how we're made in God's image.
When I was going through the classes last spring one thing my friend in the class would remind me of is the fact that God doesn't make junk. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't explain the why of what has happened with these beautiful babies. I cried Friday night, because even though I know life is not fair it still breaks my heart. I know that we're not given a free ride through life. Our relationship with the Heavenly Father and our journey to strive to be more like Jesus every day is what makes the difference between just existing and actually living life. I freely say that God is bigger. I am quick to express how amazing His provision is and how His grace and mercy never fail. For me what I believe brings me through the times when I feel hopeless or I'm struggling to cope with whatever feels so much bigger than me. I called my friend P who I grew up with. I knew she would understand what I was trying to say even though I was going to do a lousy job of verbalizing it. She immediately understood and talked about the fear of the unknown. For her right now it's the thought of losing her mom even though her mom is perfectly healthy. We talked about the heartbreak of hearing something and knowing that other than prayer and offering support there is just nothing you can do. Since we both like to fix things and have solutions we have a hard time acknowledging that we are not the ones in control. We both grew up in the same church and school and we had Bible class all the way through 12th grade. We both realize that we go back to what we know and that is scripture verses. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I think it's human nature to want to hold on tightly to every problem and every challenge and not let go because even though we know we are not the ones in control we still want to feel like we are. I have the hardest time remembering that once I let whatever it is go I'm not supposed to grab it back again!
Yeah long runs = lots of time to reflect
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