5 Minutes

October was such an amazing month! I took last Thursday night and went through stacks of paper. Living at my parents I am in the bedroom I grew up in. I love this time, I love being there, I kind of drive my mom crazy when she sees my room. She points out that I didn't let the room look like that when I was with D. I point out that D was psychotic... that might be a little strong but he was definitely particular about how everything in the house had to be.

I left work early on Friday. The original plan had been a trip to GA to see my friend Vada but that has been postponed. I went for an oil change and then I took advantage of the GORGEOUS day and went for a run on the greenway. I got 6 miles in. It was so beautiful!!! Running this time of year is amazing! I went home and showered and got ready and met a friend of mine for dinner. She's in her sophomore year of college and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and hearing how everything is going!

Saturday morning I was up early and went to church where we were having the big fall festival. 2000 people came out from 11-3 on Saturday for the fun event. I love my church so much and this outreach is an amazing time to just love on people! I handed out candy and made a new friend at the same time. She and I were talking the whole time we handed out candy and I got to hear her story. Long story short the movie War Room could be written about her marriage. I can't explain how thankful I am to hear a story where they made it to the other side and they are stronger and more appreciative and more in love with each other. I pray for marriages all the time! She and I had a blast!

I left from handing out candy and went home to grab food and a nap and then I went to the Charlotte church to help out in nursery. I got an SOS call earlier in the week because the coordinator had no one because everyone was either taking their little ones trick or treating or going to a party. We ended up just having 2 little ones and the coordinator let me leave early which was nice because I was pretty tired even having had a nap!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service and 11 nursery. I took my friend Chelsea to lunch and we did a little shopping afterwards. Then she had to go study and I went to the gym and got 4 miles done.

Monday night I went back to the total conditioning extreme class. I swear it's SO HARD! I like it but this time I got 45 minutes in and wanted to quit, last time I was 30 minutes in, we're calling this an improvement!

Tuesday morning I dragged myself out of bed for a 3 mile run before work. I was meeting Tiff for dinner so I had to make sure that I got that done. She and I met and caught up with each other. I had a lot to fill her in on since it had been 2 weeks and she was sharing what's going on with her.

Yesterday I made it to abs and booty class. I'm somewhat sore today and that's not a bad thing. I did set the alarm for a run this morning but that didn't happen. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning. I have the best chiropractor in the world! My right arm had been going numb so I knew it was time to go see him!

This evening I have dinner plans. Tomorrow night I purposely kept the calendar free so I can have a night at home! Saturday I'll be headed to High Point to see my nephews. Sunday is church, lunch and then maybe a run. I'm trying to figure out the next few workouts. Next week is so insane I'm not sure that I'll be able to work out much at all. I'll just have to see what I can figure out!

So thankful that tomorrow is Friday!

5 Minutes

Friday night I went for a run with Jack. It was a beautiful evening and a great run! I love this time of year so much! Yes it makes me sad that we fall back because I prefer the extra hour but the scenery this time of year is amazing!!!

Saturday morning I had to be in class at 8am. I signed up for a NC conceal carry class because of the work I'm doing with human trafficking. This was something  felt would be good for me to have. I still have to apply for the permit at the sheriff's office and there are some changes happening in my life so I'm not sure what all is going to happen or if this will actually be followed through and I get the NC license.

I got done with class and drove down to meet my friend Tania at dinner. LOVED catching up with her! After dinner we went to Kohls and I purchased a few more Christmas gifts.

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and then I met my friend Erin for breakfast. The place we went was SO good! It's relatively new and they have basic breakfast but it was really good breakfast! Afterwards we went to the Kohls across the street and I picked up a few more Christmas things.

Sunday afternoon I was expecting a phone call and I anticipated I would be on the phone for a while. 2 hours and 45 minutes later I was saying goodbye. I cleaned my parents bathroom, did some laundry and didn't think about the fact that the gym closes early on Sunday. I got there at 7:35 and they close at 8 so I got 2 miles in. My original plan had been for 4-5 miles, next weekend!

Monday night I got my parents to go with me to a chick fil a fundraiser. I talk all the time about how small my world is. The little boy who the fundraiser was for is a cancer survivor. This past summer they discovered cancer behind his eye and he went to Philadelphia to have surgery. He's amazing! So this little boy is Patrice's cousin's nephew. Not only that but my mom taught his Dad in high school. The way my life is interconnected is really fun sometimes!

Last night I got home and it was so rainy and cold I crawled under the covers. I dragged myself out to go to the gym and I got 4 miles done. I have a 10K on Thanksgiving and a 10K December 5 and I would like good times for both so I need to amp up my base mileage and start working on speed and cross training.

Girls 2015 Beach Reunion Recap

When I got home from work Wednesday my protein powder had arrived, I do love amazon prime so much!!! I finally made it to the gym Wednesday evening, I ran 4 miles. Then I went to the grocery store and bought Greek yogurt, almond milk, frozen fruit and frozen spinach. 

Thursday I had a shake for breakfast that I made in the blender. I learned that trying to break apart frozen spinach is not possible. I used a banana, peanut butter powder, protein powder, spinach and dark chocolate almond milk. It wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had either.

Lunch time on Thursday I went to Kohls and I bought a bullet blender, so far not impressed at all. It doesn’t seem to be able to handle ice and I end up with huge ice chunks. However Thursday’s lunch time shake was better than breakfast. I did have popcorn (healthy version) and a handful of nuts in addition to the shakes. Dinner time Margs was in town so we went to Macado’s I love that place so much! Service is typically not awesome but the food is consistent. I didn’t eat the bread, but I did eat the homemade potato chips.

Friday morning I made a shake before we left. We were on the road by 7:45 for Wilmington. We met our friend Christina through Children of the American Revolution. We travelled together on national tour during the summers of 1996 and 1997 and I travelled on tour 1998 with Christina but Margs didn’t travel that summer.

We met Christina at her house. I love how as much time has gone by my friends are still my friends. It’s like no time has gone by at all, except now they have kids and husbands and houses and they have to pay bills and stuff like that. We followed Christina to a place called Flaming Amy’s. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! If you are in Wilmington, NC this is a must visit!!! The food is AMAZING!!! I want to go back just to eat there again! It’s on the same level as my favorite place here in Charlotte, Cabo Fish Taco.

We spent about 2 hours talking before we had to say goodbye. Then we drove on in to Carolina Beach. This trip was planned several months ago. Brandy and Michelle lived next door to me freshman year at App. Margs lived on the 4^th floor but she often visited my room and got to know Brandy and Michelle. Having lunch with Christina was a bonus that we were able to get scheduled!

We found our little place that was across the street from the beach. We couldn’t check in until 4 so we made a visit to the ABC store (in NC you can only buy liquor from ABC stores) and then went to the grocery store. By this time it was almost 4 so we went back to the house and started unloading. 

Michelle arrived with her adorable little miniature schnauzer whose name is Max. He’s a year old and I LOVED him!!! Brandy arrived a little while later. She jumped in the shower, Margs and I went to the store and picked up a few more things and then we all walked down to dinner.

Our first night we went to a place called Sea Witch. We decided to share a bunch of appetizers. They had a band that started playing and they were not good so we paid up and walked down to Fat Pelican. Fat Pelican is this super fun little dive bar. They only sell beer and wine, the bar is old, the floors are a mix of cobblestone and sand. It’s super popular and we enjoyed sitting outside talking to each other!

Saturday morning I went for a run. It was so gorgeous out! I got back and took a shower and Brandy and I went to the store for food and to pick up beach chairs. When we got back Brandy made sandwiches for everyone and we loaded up the cooler and walked across the street to the beach. I made the comment on our way to the ocean, I love my life!!! We were all so happy to see each other and we all were having the absolute best time!!! We had a picture perfect NC beach day!!! There is just something so amazing about the beach! After sitting for a while I got up and took a walk. I can’t be on the beach and not take a walk to soak it all in!

At about 2:30 Margs and I agreed we would go in at 3. We knew we needed to get out of the sun. Unfortunately for me I neglected to use sunscreen on my legs. I forgot the rule at the beach it doesn’t matter that your legs never get sun you will get burned at the beach.

I took a shower and got dressed for dinner. We went to a place called Ocean Grill. The food was ok but sitting out on the deck and looking at the ocean and having the wind in our hair was amazing!!! We went back to the house and I had to change. I had worn pants and I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I put on a pair of shorts and we made our way back to the Sea Witch. The band playing Saturday night was way better! Margs and I even went down and danced for a few songs.

Unfortunately the sun burn was getting progressively worse. I went to bed Saturday night and I had to get up a few times because I did stay very well hydrated but OH MY GOSH pain like no other!!! I literally would have crawled but I knew the floors were too sandy and that would be worse. I would sit up, wait a minute, stand up, wait a minute, hold on to things as I made my way the few steps and then repeat. By the time I was up for good Sunday morning I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it because my legs were swollen and walking was a challenge. I googled sun poisoning and followed the recommendation for ibuprofen.

Margs and I said good bye to Brandy and Michelle. We definitely want to try and make this a yearly thing! We left for Charlotte around 9:30. We stopped for lunch half way. She dropped me off and headed back to SC. I spent the rest of yesterday alternating with vinegar compresses and coconut oil. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take my skin to recover!

I maxed out the ibuprofen dosage earlier in the day so before I went to bed I took acetaminophen, I had to, I can’t explain the level of pain!!! The shower last night was AWFUL!!! I feel like the world’s biggest wimp but this burn is no joke!!!

My overall eating at the beach was reasonable. I was conscientious without being obnoxious. I ordered a veggie burrito at Amy’s and it was incredible! Friday night appetizers we ordered tuna nachos as one of our apps and that one was reasonable. Saturday’s sandwich was turkey on whole grain. Saturday night I had fish tacos that had blackened fish. I did order a crispy artichoke heart appetizer that we all shared but 4 of us shared it so we got 2 pieces each. Yesterday I did have a cheat day, including a brownie. I was in such misery I just didn’t care.

Today I’ve had shakes (or smoothies might be the better description) for breakfast and lunch. Working out is going to be off the table for several days at least!

Adjusting and Acclimating

This week has been interesting! Monday afternoon I went to a Captives 101 class for my new job. After the class there was a cocktail hour. I met a lot of people and explained that I had been with my company for a week. Mingling is never something I'm great at but I sucked it up and acted like a grown up.

Tuesday morning I woke up early and got a 4 mile run in. I ran a 10K last Saturday and it was hilly and my time was not all that stellar. I have another 10K September 12 so I'm trying to work on my running between now and then.

Tuesday for the rest of the day I was in meetings for the NC Captives Association conference. I am really really excited for my new job! It's so outside the box and fascinating! Tuesday after the meetings there was a pig pickin. The whole pig was there. I like meat a lot but every time I see the animals in trucks, or like I did for this event I contemplate how I could give up meat. It bothers me! I left the evening festivities and swung by the shopping center that has an Off Broadway, Marshalls and Old Navy. I had an idea in my head for my date the next night. I found 2 dresses at Marshalls that I LOVE! Thank you birthday gift cards! Then at ON I found my cute date outfit. At Off Broadway I found my shoes. I  paid way too much for Keds but they work with my outfit and I justify it by the fact that I'll wear them with jeans.

Then as I was headed home I found out that my date wasn't going to happen because legitimate reasons came up. I was disappointed but I have learned that when I keep my focus where it's supposed to be, not on the circumstances, I stay in a much better frame of mind!

I attended the final morning session of the conference. I learned quite a bit about cyber liability. It's quite unnerving! I went to lunch with 2 of my new coworkers. I really like my office it's a very cohesive group!

Last night I made it to abs and booty class at Sassy Girl, which I'm definitely feeling today!

This morning I was up and at the gym and I got my 3 miles in. I went to Dunkin Donuts after my run for an extra large coffee. I was trying to get ready and I kept sweating, coffee after that run might not have been the best idea. I got a fan from the bedroom and that helped! I still had time to go to SC for gas before I had to be at work. I'm getting used to the new time. I thought I would really struggle having to stay until 5 but so far it hasn't been too bad. I met a group of my friends/former coworkers for lunch and caught up with them.

I had a chiropractor appointment after work, I needed it!!! This weekend is the usually run run run. I am learning how to just keep moving. I grab naps when I can!

meetings, life, wisdom and reality

To catch up on what's been going on in my actual life. Friday night after work I went directly to the gym to get a run in. This time of year the gym is always a little crazy but if I can get there directly after work it's not as bad. I had my meeting Friday night. I love the meeting that I go to. Unfortunately there is now a man who is giving me the vibe that he is trying to be my friend. He has made it a point to come speak to me 2 times now at the end of meetings. I give a very nice answer and then leave. I have been excruciatingly careful in all my meetings to not give any kind of encouragement to any men. I am very pleasant and I recognize everyone but unless I know the man is gay or married I keep it to a very nice hello and that's it. I have 0 desire to have any guy friends other then the few I already have. So I'm trying to be extra cautious.

I didn't end up going to Boone with Tiff on Saturday. I had to be at nursery at 5:30 and her sister needed to make a trip to their parent's so she and I agreed to rain check the trip. I went to abs and booty class, I was still sore from the Wednesday class but I went and made it through. I spent the rest of the day reading on the couch with Jack, it was awesome! I worked my last nursery at the Charlotte church. I'm so thankful I had that opportunity! I really enjoyed my time working with the little people!

Sunday I went to the Concord church. I went to lunch with Patrice and Aaron and then I went to the greenway. I had to run 8 miles. Those 8 miles hurt! I was excited though because I was able to run a really long loop and I didn't end up having to double back. When I have to go back past my starting point and keep running it messes with me mentally. Running is so much mental that it's probably 80% mental and only 20% actually physical at this point for me. I know that my body is full capable and I've been doing this for years now so it's my brain that I have to fight more than anything!

Monday I arrived at work to find out that my coworker who was one of my training mentors husband passed away early that morning. He's been sick a really long time but I'm still heartbroken for my friend. The funeral is tomorrow and I'll be going to that.

Monday night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to booty beat class. I can't dance, I'm really not good at following the steps but I went and I worked at it and in the end it was done.

Last night I had a chiropractor appointment after work which was amazing!!! My neck had been locked up since the previous Tuesday so finally having that worked out was fantastic!!! I usually go to they gym after work and in between small group on Tuesdays but since I had the chiropractor appointment I didn't have the time I needed. Instead I stopped into the wine store where my friend Sharon is now the GM. I got to sit and talk to her for an hour about life and what's going on and it was fabulous! Then I had my small group and caught up with the girls at panera.

This morning I dropped my car off to have some work done. My Dad followed me and picked me up and took me to breakfast. We relaxed at home for a while and then Patrice and L came to pick me up. Instead of doing a toy or clothes I gave L a PTO day and a trip to Monkey Joes and lunch for Christmas. He loves MJ's and Wednesday is totally a great day to go! He had so much fun! Then we went to lunch and by the time we were finishing up my car was ready. I'm so thankful that I have my friend back in NC!

She and I talked at lunch. If at any point there had been true indication of change I would have gone back to D. I wanted desperately to have the story that God fixed our marriage, that He was able to work a miracle. I carefully prayed over all these months that God would give me wisdom and discernment. In every turn I have seen what I needed to see and heard what I needed to hear. I wish that the change that was being professed was real. I wish that D really had changed. I wish that I could have a story of a marriage redeemed. I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to continue in a pattern of control and abuse.

I'm not friends with D on FB. D posts everything publicly, anyone can go on his page and see anything. Last night he posted about the Christian Mingle movie and how he hasn't seen it yet but that he wants to because that's how he met (girlfriend tagged).

I'm looking at that post and I'm thinking, really? You really just put that on your FB? You who just 11 months ago were professing love and that you were never going to love anyone else. You who for months and months continued to send messages of love and commitment? You who started dating this woman in September and continued to send me messages that you would never love anyone but me? You were looking to meet women all the while claiming love and devotion?

So I posted scripture verses. I can't post what I really want to. I can't call him out on it. If I do that I put myself at his level and I've made it 22 days without doing that so I'm not about to start now. Instead I posted Proverbs 13:15-16 "Good judgement wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction. All who are prudent act with knowledge but fools expose their folly." and Psalm 120:1-2 "I call on the Lord in my distress and he answers me. Save me Lord from lying lips and from deceitful tongues." I'm thankful that God has done exactly that. He has saved me from lying lips and from the deceitful tongue.

It comes down to reality. The reality that I lived with for several years. The person that I married is a very sick individual. The person that I married was not at all who he made himself to be. In all of this I would do it all over again because it has brought me to where I am today. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, His love, His provision, His truth, and how He worked out the details.

Patrice and I talked about how I had asked to be released from counseling and when the pastor and counselor emailed me back they told me that they didn't have the authority to release me only God did. I had just gone to a Women Under Construction event at the Charlotte church. On my way home every song I heard was about waiting on the Lord or being patient. So I had to respond to the pastor and the counselor that I was going to do a 21 day prayer challenge and wait on the Lord. Patrice made such an excellent point. She said maybe in that time God really was trying to do a work. Maybe in that time there was actual change that could have been taking place but then it go too hard and D gave up. I had never really thought about it but that made so much sense to me. I'm never going to know all the details on this side of heaven. Someday I might sit with God and He's going to show me how all the pieces fit. I know from the innermost part of my spirit that I would not give any of this up (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) because it's brought me to a place with the Lord where I've never been before.

I don't know what my future holds. I'm not entirely sure where He's calling me or how it's going to look. I know this. I know He's moving. I know that He certainly has a purpose and a plan. I know that even if I never get married that it's going to all work out according to the plan that He has and whatever He has planned is so much more than anything I can imagine.

I can't change D. I can't change any of that. I can be thankful that God allowed me to be freed from the oppression and bondage which I was living under. I can be thankful that God knows all the details and He knows my heart. I don't have to take it all to FB but I can post scripture verses that allow me to express my heart in a way that unless you know me well, and or read my writing here, you would not know exactly what is going on.

I found a quote today by Socrates that I felt was perfect for me. "The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new".

I prayed this morning for a long time because I woke up with swirling thoughts. I'm sad that I didn't get the fairy tale miracle story. I'm sad that D is drinking again. I'm sad that his girlfriend will likely become his wife and have to experience that kind of hell. Then I said the serenity prayer, God, grant me the serenity to accept that things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Even typing it out, it calms me. There is much I can't change, especially as it relates to this closing chapter of my marriage. I'm thankful for where it's brought me. I'm thankful that I'm no longer there. I'm thankful that God is always faithful and He is a God who works out the details!

5 minutes on Friday

This week has been full, as usual. Monday night I met up with Patrice and another friend of ours that we grew up with. It's a unique experience to sit at a table and talk to women who you have known since church nursery. Elizabeth and I share the same birthday. To talk about life, what has happened, where we are, how good God is, it's a blessing!

Tuesday night I got to the gym for a 4 mile run. I went to small group. We are reading Bad Girls of the Bible and the reading for this chapter was about the Samaritan woman at the well who meets Jesus. I read this story in this book, in another book, and in John 4 last week. I wondered what God was trying to tell me.

We discussed the story Tuesday night and how Jesus met the woman where she was and accepted her right where she was. I was driving home and processing. The truth is when I got married God met me right where I was. I had been trying to make things happen and force my way for many years. When I was getting married it was the first time where I put myself in a place where He could meet me.

I don't think that He would have chosen for me to have to go through the crazy insanity of the downside to living with an active alcoholic who was not in recovery. I do think that He was there with me every step of the way. He was guiding and directing me, giving me everything that I needed. 

Monday night we talked about how the times we really grow with God are through our struggles. When things are going well we don't feel like we "need" Him quite so much. Up until I got married I felt like I was doing fine for the most part. I had a condo, a good job, some money struggles but nothing too overwhelming usually. The choice I made to get married allowed Him to meet me right where I was. He brought me to the place where I am now.

This year instead of trying to find my next husband. Instead of trying to force my own solutions I have recognized my need for Him even more now than ever before. I have and continue to consciously seek Him and whatever His plan is for my life. 

Wednesday night I was supposed to go to Sassy Girl for shake and tone but I was exhausted and I'm still fighting off the last bit of the cold. So I stayed home and did laundry and rested.

Last night I had a party to go to that one of my agents that I work with holds every year. These kinds of parties intimidate me, it's really hard to go and talk to people but once I get started I'm OK. It was held at The Palm, which is really nice and the food is amazing! I really enjoyed the amazing shrimp cocktail, I could have eaten the platter!

After I left the party I made it to the gym for a 3 mile run. 

Tonight I have my Al-Anon meeting. Tomorrow I am headed down to SC to see Margs and the boys and take the boys their Christmas presents. My mom is going to teach me how to make cinnamon rolls. Every year she makes batches and batches and this year I want to make a few batches to share as well. 

I was able to leave work at 3 today since I went to the party last night so I took the extra time to run over and pick up my brother's Christmas presents and I found his birthday present too. His birthday is December 31 so it will sneak up on me if I let it.

Sunday is a cookie bake with Patrice and her family. It's going to be interesting since I'm still fasting sweets until April 8, 2015. I'll be baking this Christmas and not eating any of the treats. People seem to think that this gets easier, yeah, NO it doesn't! It's kind of odd to me how my body still after all these months craves various sweet things.

 Hopefully tomorrow morning I fit a run in before the rest of the day starts! Happy weekend!!!

Weekend fun, exercise, no justifications

Saturday morning I was able to sleep in a little bit, which was needed! Mom and I went to a Christmas craft fair in the middle of nowhere. It's held every year in a school and they use all the class rooms as well as the Library and the gym to set up booths for vendors. In the cafeteria they offer breakfast until 11 and lunch after that.

We had a really good time checking out all the different offerings. I was impressed by the variety and the fact that there are a lot of talented people!

We arrived around 9 and I think we left right around 12. We stopped by BoJangles for lunch and then Mom got to check out the brand new Walmart. I had to get more Rubbermaid storage containers and food for Jack. She needed some things, so it worked out well to stop on our way home.

Saturday afternoon she helped me move the stuff from the cardboard boxes into the storage containers. Once I got that done I took a nap and then went to the gym. It hit me as I was getting ready to go to the gym and I didn't have plans other than going to the gym that I was alone. This sounds completely ridiculous since I'm living with my parents but when I was married there were plenty of Saturday nights where we were not doing anything but I was married and we had Audra and it was what I had always wanted as far as the husband and the child. I had it with CF&G, and when it was gone it was a big hole. I find myself yet again facing the alone.

It's a process and one that I'm continuing to move forward with. I have to just accept that this is where I am. I wanted what I wanted so much that I ignored every flag and warning sign and polly-anna-d my way into a marriage that was a disaster. Being out of the everyday stress and insanity has created the ability to recognize that I loved him, and that it had good moments. I think that this is also what allows us to begin to heal, that distance that takes the sharpest edges off the hurts.

I felt better after I worked out. Exercise is always a good way to let go of negative thoughts. I was in bed by 9:30 Saturday night. Yesterday morning I was up early so I could get my run in before church. I went to the gym and ran 4 miles.

I went to the 11 service so I could sit with Patrice and Aaron. Before the service I was talking to a casual friend who I really like. She does not know any details from me regarding my marriage other than the fact that we are no longer together. She asked me yesterday how Daron was doing.

It was an honest question that I wasn't prepared for. The immediate answer that went across my brain, oh he has a girlfriend. Fortunately I've learned how to keep these kinds of answers from just being blurted out. I took a breath and gave a shrug and said I honestly don't talk to him and I don't know. I gave the best non answer I could. My immediate desire is to give the run down and the justifications and word vomit all of it so this friend will understand why I made the decision that I made.

Immediately after I left I also left the church. I know that D shared his version of the story to quite a few friends so I don't know if this friend was one of those people or not. He acknowledged that his drinking was the reason why I left but that he was a changed person and I just needed to understand it and come back. He could be so charming and persuasive that I'm sure people believed that it was just a simple matter of reconciling our differences.

One thing I've learned over these past few years is that I don't have to explain. I don't have to give justifications. I have to make the choices and decisions that are the right ones for me. I have to answer for the choices and decisions that I make and I'm fully aware of this.

I was not expecting to feel that immediate need to cast aspersions on my soon to be ex-husband and his character. I realize that I have more work to do on the letting go. I have not heard from him since November 6, the more time that passes the easier it is for me to move forward. I have to work on the fact that there is still some kind of hold on me when I do or don't hear from him.

I've said I am done. I mean that I am done. Yet there is this completely irrational ridiculous part of me that somehow has not let go yet. Maybe it's the part that is freaked out about the whole alone thing. Maybe it's the part of me that always believed that she had to be married. Maybe it's the part of me that knows that dating is horrible and not something I ever planned or wanted to do again and I have no idea if I ever will actually date again. I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from but it's there. 

I feel really fortunate that I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. From my family and friends to my sponsor and weekly meeting as well as the pastor and counselor at church. Every step of the way God has provided exactly what I have needed and need as I navigate this journey. I just have to trust in His plan and seek Him. 

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

The random thoughts on a Thursday

I have thought many times over these past 3 years how thankful I am for Al-Anon. I would be a big puddle of a hot mess without my program!

Tuesday after work I ran 4 miles. There is something about exercise that helps me feel better! After burning off those calories I probably consumed those plus some at dinner. Tiffany and I went to dinner at the sushi place that has buy 2 get one free rolls on Tuesday nights. Usually we have small group but Tuesday night's meeting was cancelled.

She and I talked for a long time about various things. I'm forever grateful that she and I met each other in college!

I realized that there is a part of me that is upset over the fact that I have not heard anything from D since last Thursday. I quickly had to check that emotion. I have specifically said I am happy for him. I specifically told him I wish him the best. Yes I am sorting through my emotions but the bottom line is I know that I need for him to move on. I have waited to know that this has happened since I left. Not going to lie, my head is a crazy place to be. I try not to stay inside my head too much because it is not a good idea.

Last night I worked step 8 with my sponsor. I am so thankful that I have a sponsor and I am working the steps. I now have 4 left. We talked about the various emotions and feelings. I know that I would not be doing as well as I am if I had not been in Al-Anon for as long as I was before leaving. I know that I would not be where I am now, if I had not taken myself to that first meeting 3 years ago. I just keep saying I would be a hot mess puddle!

I was starving when I got to the restaurant and I cleaned my plate! I had a sandwich that was amazing! Needless to say I went to the gym after dinner. I don't even want to know the calorie bomb that was my sandwich.

Today at lunch I was reading from Max Lucado's book about grace. The chapter talked about the Israelites and how they left Egypt and how they decided that they wanted to go back, after God had miraculously delivered them. I was reminded again that I was brought out from the situation that I was in. The week before we'd had an ice storm, the week after we had a big snow storm but the week that I moved and the day that I moved on we had rain but the rain did not start until after everything was loaded.

As I was remembering this I also remembered my distress after I left my first solo meeting with the pastor and the counselor. I was in tears and the Spirit gently whispered what are you so afraid of don't you trust me? I've seen the Romans 8:28 scripture over and over these past few days. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Last week when I was off on Thursday I was cleaning out my FB at the actual computer and not on my phone. I checked messages, when you are friends with someone you get their messages on FB on your phone but if you are not the message is sent to an "other" folder. I happened to click on the other folder and I had a message from this past July from D's first wife. The one I've always wanted to talk to. I replied and apologized for my delay in responding explaining what had happened. Her message had simply said that she heard I had left and that she was offering her support. I told her I've always wanted to hear her story and she has offered to meet me so we can talk. I think talking to her will perhaps help me as I move forward in letting go of the past few years.

November 7 - 9 2014

Friday after work I drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. My SIL made awesome chili! We hung out and talked and caught up with each other and watched a few episodes of Diners Drive Ins and Dives on Netflix. 

Saturday morning I was up early and I went for a 4 mile run. It was 34 degrees, pretty cold! However, by the time I finished my run I was my usual hot mess! My nephew was up when I got back and he was finishing his breakfast.

My SIL and I decided to make a trip to Belks so I could try and find a top for my big girls night that evening. I had packed 2 options but I've worn both several times now and Saturday night was super special! I found just what I was looking for and I found 2 adorable outfits for my nephew!

B and J took me to Olive Garden for lunch, so yummy and one of my favorites! Of course I had the soup, salad and bread sticks!

I left their house at 2:30 and headed to the hotel in Greensboro to meet up with my girls. Back in July I bought tickets for the Casting Crowns, Mandisa and Sidewalk Prophets concert. I originally started looking at Mandisa concerts last spring but by the time I had the idea she was wrapping up her current tour. So when I found out that she would be traveling with Casting Crowns it worked out great for us to go! I talked to Amy about inviting my friend Tiffany and her little girl and the plan was set.

They were actually very excited! They were in a Nickelodeon coma at this point and we were getting ready to head to the concert.

Amy and her girl

Tiffany and her girl

Sweet Girl!

I took this picture when we first got there. Our seats were on the floor in the middle and they were great seats!

Right around the time that all the planning was coming together the Dollar store had the glow sticks for the 4th of July. I stocked up on necklaces and bracelets and they have been in my closet since July.

Glow stick fun

The glow sticks were a great distraction since the concert was a little late starting due to traffic issues

She had so much fun with her necklaces and bracelets!

First up was Sidewalk Prophets and they did an awesome job! 

They did an acoustic song were they all gathered around the mic it's kind of hard to see them in the picture but that's what is going on. 

Intermission and waiting for Mandisa to come on stage.

Mandisa kicked off her set with her good morning song. This is a favorite for both the girls and they were super excited!

This was during the song, she was mesmerized by Mandisa.

It was such an awesome night! I am so thankful that we had this opportunity! We stayed at the Drury Inn and Suites that was less than 2 miles to the coliseum so it worked out great! There was an indoor pool and complimentary evening snacks and breakfast. The girls got to go swimming this morning after breakfast much to their delight! I think the water was actually pretty chilly so they only stayed down there about 30 minutes.

I had anticipated this for so long and I'm so glad that it all worked out so well!

I got home to a very excited Jack Banner. He was so happy to see me! I did get to the gym this evening and did some weights and the elliptical. I'm trying to make sure that I keep up the working out simply because I like not constantly having to worry if my clothes are going to fit correctly.

disclaiming, fitness challenge recap, pictures

Disclaimer: I am able to function and work and do everything that I need to do. I've been able to compartmentalize the situation with D to a point. My writing is where I am sorting through everything. Since Friday I've been able to reign in most of the reactive emotions and now I'm able to resume normal life. I do have the back part of my brain where I know all this has happened and I'm still working through it.

Friday after work I took Jack for a run. The weather here was beautiful and I needed to run out my emotions. Last week my sleep was completely messed up and I had a constant head ache. D has been paying for his health insurance. Last month when he sent the check he just sent a check. This month he wrote a letter about how he loves me, how he will always love me and that I am the only one for him.

I have 2 1/2 years of broken promises. I have 2 1/2 years of trying really hard to make my marriage work. I have 2 1/2 years that I prayed and changed everything I could change with me. I would love to believe that he could actually follow through on his promises but his track record is not successful and the likelihood of me going back and 3 months later, if that long, I find myself back in the same place except I've lost my friends and family, yeah I just can't do that.

I have the most amazing friends and family. I am so incredibly loved. I was reminded of that this weekend and today as I have talked to various people about different things. I'm processing. I think last week made me admit feelings to myself that I didn't want to admit, namely that I do in fact love him, but even acknowledging that allows me to continue moving forward.

I checked his FB and he is still friends with the girlfriend. As long as they are still FB friends I'm going to believe that they are still dating. He might believe that he loves me and I'm the only one he loves and blah blah blah but the whole girlfriend factor negates all the pretty words.

Friday night I went to my Al-Anon meeting. Our subject for the evening was detachment. I was right where I was supposed to be!

Saturday morning I drove down to SC to see my friend Margs and help her boys celebrate their birthdays. I bought books for the boys at Wild Rumpus in Minneapolis and they books were a huge hit!!! My oldest nephew took the book to bed with him that night.

I had lunch and sang happy birthday and then I hit the road back to Charlotte.

I stopped for coffee and by the liquor store. I got home and gave my parents the update on the party and how Margs and her family are doing and then I packed a bag and headed to Patrice's house.

I'm not high maintenance at all.... I did have 4 outfit options so there is that.

It was a last minute decision to drive up there to get ready but it worked out really well! The jumpsuit fit. The 21 day fitness challenge was a success. In fact I lost 6 lbs. I was super excited that all my jeans fit really well. Patrice and I decided that the sweater and jeans was more of the Charlie's Angel look than the jumpsuit and so I am saving that for another time.

I was super comfortable minus the shoes. My feet still hurt from the shoes.

Sunday morning I went to church and then met Patrice for lunch. She didn't go because L has a runny nose and cough and she didn't want to put him in the nursery and share his germs.

After we had lunch I went home for a nap followed by cleaning the bathrooms and then a run. I realized after doing this 21 days of fitness that I am much happier when I am working out and when my jeans fit. There is a confidence that I have that I haven't felt in a long time.

Tonight I went to Sassy Girl and did Sass Fit which is 1 minute circuits of crazy things like burpees and squat jumps and frog squats etc. I love it, it kicks my butt!

I have my small group tomorrow night. Wednesday night is a wine tasting that I'm super excited about and Saturday is the concert in Greensboro with Amy and Tiffany and their girls. I bought the tickets in July and the concert is FINALLY here!!! We are all so excited!

It's going to be a typically crazy busy week!

Minneapolis, MN trip

Last Friday I woke up crazy early and headed to the Charlotte airport. I was finally on my way to visit my friend Lisa! I have long wanted to visit and see her city and finally I was able to get a trip on our calendars for October of this year.

Since I woke up so early I definitely needed a caffeine fix. There was not a starbucks in concourse A so I went with cinnabon yummy but extremely calorie laden. I was on vacation so what is a splurge here and there, or for the entire weekend...

Our first stop after Lisa picked me up from the airport was the Minnehaha falls. Oh my goodness so beautiful. I can't tell you how many times I would stop walking and say, oh how gorgeous, beautiful, amazing. The scenery on my trip was spectacular!!!

The fall colors were just glorious! We walked a little bit around the trail of the falls but it was super muddy at a point so we decided that was a good time to turn back. We went on an errand and then went to lunch at a fabulous taco place. I had veggie tacos that were fabulous!!!

After lunch we drove to an area where we could walk some more. The lake we walked around was so beautiful! I was not prepared for the humidity but it makes sense because there is so much water all around. After walking for a bit around the lake we made our way to Wild Rumpus bookstore. I was delighted by the animals, the ceiling, which is above, and the books!!! I had presents to buy for Marg's boys and I found the perfect Lego and dog book for my nephews.

The store had cats that greeted us when we arrived. They also had all sorts of other animals. I thought the chinchillas were so cute all snuggled up in their little space. After the book store we headed back to Lisa's place where she fixed the most delicious Chicken with mushroom wine sauce pasta and I got to watch HGTV. I don't have cable, and I don't watch a whole lot of TV typically but I love HGTV and Food Network!

With all the food I definitely needed a run. So Lisa took me through her boyfriends neighborhood for an amazingly beautiful 4 miler. You can't really see it in this picture but it was raining leaves and it was just such a gorgeous morning! I expected snow and cold when I planned this trip this past June. I know how cold it can be in this part of the country. I was in for a treat because the weather was so mild!

We had to check on Mr. Ted. Ted lives with Lisa's boyfriend and he is the most handsome cat! He purs like a motorboat and greeted us and was just so sweet! After taking care of Ted we went to a place called Victors for brunch. It took me forever to figure out what to order because everything looked amazing! After brunch we went back to Lisa's and showered and got ready. Then we set out on foot so I could explore her neighborhood and the part of the city where she works. We did a little shopping. Splurged on a little starbucks. It was so neat to be able to walk to everything! Including Target! After walking we went back and rested for a bit before church. Her church is SO pretty!!! They have these beautiful chandeliers and Fleur De Li's and it was a special treat to witness 2 baptisms.

After church we went to dinner at Brasa. Oh my goodness! We ordered roast pork and beef and a rice dish and plantains and go to Lisa's post for a picture of the food, YUMMY!

Sunday morning we woke up and went to a yoga sculpt class. It kicked my butt! It was fantastic! After yoga Lisa made a breakfast casserole that was so good I had seconds! It was an egg dish and it was DELICIOUS!!! After breakfast she took me to the top of an overlook and the picture above is my view from there. The picture below is another shot that I took from the lookout. It was a gorgeous day! 

After the lookout we walked over to a place called Wilde Roast cafe. I had a delicious raspberry coffee and Lisa had gelato that looked fantastic! I am still on my sweets fast until April 2015 so still no cakes, cookies, candy or ice cream for me. I do enjoy my coffees though!

After Wilde Roast we walked a bit more. This was a picture taken from a bridge viewpoint. There is lots of water and lots of bridges in Minneapolis. After our walk we rested for a bit and then we went to a pizza place where Lisa's running club was having their end of year party. I really enjoyed meeting everyone and seeing the pictures from the year. In all honesty it was the best pizza I've ever had! I was delighted that my sweet friend, who has to be really careful with her diet, was able to enjoy appetizers, pizza and dessert. They had amazing looking gluten free pizza!!!!

I said goodbye on Monday and flew home. I got back to Charlotte and the temperature was in the 80's. It has been so warm! It's supposed to get cold this weekend though.

For many many reasons I am thankful that I was able to go on this trip. First of all I really love my friend and I'm so glad that she is back home where she loves. She lived in Charlotte for a year and I know that it was not an easy year for many reasons. I'm thankful I was able to catch up with her and see so much of the beautiful city of Minneapolis. I love being able to walk most places, I think that is just so cool! I'm thankful that I was with a friend when I found out the tough news that D has a girlfriend. I knew it would happen, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I am thankful that I was able to get away for a weekend and see and do so much! I also appreciate that Lisa made sure I was able to continue my workouts! Even with all the eating (and I made a piglet of myself at the pizza place) we walked quite a bit and fit in 2 workouts. I got back Monday and took Jack for a run. More on the fitness in another post.

I'm thankful for my friend! Thankful for this experience! Thankful! This trip was wonderful!

June 21, 2014

I mentioned that I went to the ladies night at the Concord church on June 12 and I went a little early and ended up talking to this lady who I thought was nice. She had just started running and so I was answering questions. I kept it very brief about why I no longer go to the church and I just said that I had had to leave my husband in February and the process of joint counseling ended due to parameters not being stayed within.

I try not to give a lot of information but there is the inevitable, are you married type questions that come up when you first meet someone.

So I friended her on FB the Friday after (which was Friday a week ago) because I liked her and wanted to keep in touch. 

Well she sent me a message last Friday night asking me if there was no possible way that I would go back to my husband because it seemed we had a Christian marriage and the Bible hates divorce. OK so to me that was weird but I just kept it very simple and said no there is no chance for that to happen.

So Monday morning (this past) I read a message from her stating that she had met Daron and they had texted and talked a few times and she is just not sure how to proceed because she likes me and wants to be friends but she feels she is in a very weird position.

My response was that I understand that D needs friends and she can decide how she wants to proceed as far as friendship with me goes. In all honesty I immediately wanted to delete her from my FB but that would have been obvious and since I am careful what I put on FB I felt like it would be fine and I would just be even more cautious.

She thanks me for being so gracious to her, subject is changed.

I receive a message from her last night and she asked if I had heard from D, which I didn't really answer. I just tried to keep it all very vague and when she would ask me questions I would not really give a whole lot of information but I had decided that if it came up again I would have to tell her that I'm happy to discuss anything but my marriage.

Meanwhile D has picked up the Love Dare book and is sending me these super long messages and trying to make me see that he has changed. I understand that God is working on him. I also understand that D is in love with someone who does not exist and there is no way that I am going to go back. Everyday this week I received these LONG messages that are from Love Dare.

This morning I had a race. I'm into mile 3 (tracking for a PR for this particular race which is hot and hilly)and I happen to notice that D is sitting on the sidelines of the course. I immediately crossed to the other side of the street. I was so angry, I've said I'm done, I have not responded to anything that he sends. I have ended the process of joint counseling. I simply don't know what to say or do to make him understand that I am not coming back. 

I am also LIVID that because I got so mad my breathing got screwed up and when I crossed the finish line my time was 31:00, that is NOT the time I was tracking for, I was running right under a 9 minute per mile pace until I saw him. After I saw him I had to get up this HUGE hill  so I knew my time would have been slower but the hill followed by my anger screwed up my ability to breathe.

I finished my race and I called Amy and asked what I should do because he just does not seem to understand that we are through.

Meanwhile D texts Amy to call him. I told her that I don't want her in the middle and she doesn't have to tell him that she has talked to me.

So she talks to him. She explains to him that L probably didn't want to see him when she was trying to run, that the behavior was stalkerish, and next time he thinks that something like this is a good idea he probably needs to ask her first.

It comes up in conversation about this lady that I had met who, according to D, had been calling and texting him and trying to see him and really pursuing him. I don't know, I am hearing this all from Amy who talked to D. The lady had been copying and pasting anything that I said regarding D and sending it to him.

D told Amy that what she had been saying that I said, and what she was sending to him specifically that I said did not jive. Amy told him he needs to keep away from this lady.

She calls me back and tells me that she told him he needs to respect my space and leave me alone. She told me that this lady clearly is someone that I need to end all communication with.

So I immediately deleted and blocked her from my Facebook. 

Unfortunately because she does go to the Concord church and because I know she had been a part of the group on prayer that I have been participating in, I know that I need to just stay away from church for the forseeable future. 

This breaks my heart. I have been so blessed by being able to visit and my life has been so blessed by being a part of Refuge and now with this I just know I have to step farther back. Amy said that by my still visiting I'm giving D a sense that I might still be willing to come back and that is not the case. 

I am trying to calm down, and I need a nap!

Stream of Thought

For about .02 seconds I thought oh my goodness I'm totally on top of my Christmas game. Then I remembered that I have not yet purchased the gifts for friends who I usually exchange gifts with. That list has condensed now to just Patrice, Margs and Nicole but regardless I still have 3 more gifts left.

Patrice and Margs are easy, they are out of town, hence they will receive from two of my favorites and theirs, Margs will get an Amazon e gift card and Patrice one from Vic Secret. They don't read this, so I'm no worried about them finding out what their gifts will be.

Nicole is receiving a Marshalls gift card and I'm done. I know that some consider gift cards impersonal; I consider them a delightful way to bestow upon someone the opportunity to splurge on themselves!

I will say that I am much better prepared for Audra's birthday this year. I think this is the first year that I already have her presents purchased and much of her party already planned. That said, last week in Boone she informs me she wants a mermaid party.

I know that this request stems from the party that her friend L had that was a Little Mermaid theme party. I told Audra that no she is going to have a princess party and she is going to have so much fun with her friends. She is 4 turning 5 and already wanting to do what her friends do, that concerns me just a little bit. She was gung ho for her princess party up until the mermaid party and then suddenly she changes her mind, what???

I know that her party is going to be great and her friends will have fun and this will all be a memory, it just surprised me that this came up.

In other Audra news she has officially moved up a shoe size. I had a huge bag of size 11 shoes that I gave away at the beginning of fall. Her mom mentioned a few weeks ago that they had measured her foot and she had measured a 12 1/2. Last week she put her foot on a carpet measure and measured for a 13… So I have some shoes that have been worn once, some only a handful of times, and I am trying to determine if I am going to give them away, or sell them to the consignment store.

Fortunately I didn't buy a crazy amount of shoes. I had one pair that still had the tag, and I still had the receipt and I was able to take it back and get full store credit, no refund since it was past 30 days but I'm good with store credit. Decent kid shoes are expensive and my favorite go-to for stride rite was piperlime and they are no longer going to sell kid's shoes, which makes me very sad! I'll be checking out zappos and amazon for sure!

This week I made it to Abs and Booty on Monday, out for a run with Jack on Tuesday and to Shake and Tone on Wednesday. Last night was the women's event at church and tonight I'm planning to take Audra to see a play at her school. Tomorrow morning I'm trying for a long run. I'm a little apprehensive since I didn't do a long run last weekend but I will just see how I do and not put any expectations on myself.

I will be going to the gym for my run since they are calling for rain all weekend.

Happy Friday!!!

Thoughts of Thursday

I saw something on FB that said welcome to NC where we wear boots one day and flip flops the next. It's actually true. Last week I woke up and ran in weather temps in the 20's. This morning I got in my car in a short sleeve dress and my car read 60…

We have a cat that has taken up residence underneath the porch of the empty house beside us. Our neighbor across the street feeds it. Last night I got home from cleaning my parents. I vacuumed and then I was giving Jack some attention. I saw a flea. I put him in the tub and 3 fleas came off him. I used the hair dryer on him, much to his chagrin. I found another flea after that.

At almost 9 I was driving to Walmart for flea stuff. I texted my Uncle from the store asking if any of the options would work, his response not well. So I bought stuff because I can't handle the idea of fleas and today after work I'm stopping by the clinic to pick up flea stuff that works.

I believe that the cat next door is creating this flea problem. In the past 2 years I've stopped treating for fleas after October and I start again in March. Apparently I'm going to have to start treating year round, and that's expensive.

This morning I needed to iron my dress. Unfortunately I had the iron too hot. I immediately burned a hole in the dress, and because of time and where the burn is I wore the dress anyways, hopefully I'm the only one who notices.

My voice is back today, thankfully.

Audra has her Christmas program at school tonight. Tomorrow I am leaving work early to pick her up. Saturday I am excited for a trip to Boone with Lisa!