feeling and emotion overload

It's been a week that is for sure! I got home from my trip on Monday and I took Jack for a run. I was still trying to process the hurt and the grief.

Tuesday I went to the gym. My small group met at Panera and after we were done I stood and talked to Tiffany for the longest time. She's ahead of me in this process, her divorce finalized earlier this year.

She completely understands the waves of feelings that hit while trying to process all of the emotions.

Tuesday night I got a text from D stating that he still loves me and I saw red and I was so furious and while to this point I have been really really good about not responding my anger got the better of me. I sent a text stating that I think this was meant for the wrong person, didn't you mean to send this to your girlfriend.

Then I texted Amy. She said the text was likely in response to a conversation that she had with him earlier that evening.

Wednesday morning I get a text that was "supposedly" "accidentally" sent to me meant for Amy except I believe it was no accident. The text asked her to talk to me because he doesn't want things to go too far with Jaime if he still has a chance with L.

Dude just gave me a name and he has no idea how good I am at figuring out information about people.

I texted back that we are through best wishes to you and Jaime.

Which somehow it becomes this flurry of text messages about how I'm the only one he wants and he loves me and it went on and on and on. Through it all I maintained that I have forgiven him, it's fine that he is moving on and I wish him the best.

Here's the SCREWED UP PART. I'm questioning myself and my choice. I KNOW why I left. I KNOW what I have been through. I KNOW that he has a GIRLFRIEND.

So by end of Wednesday I told him I stand by my choice and I am not changing my mind and I wish him the best.

Now I have 3 years in Al-Anon. I know this woman he is dating is none of my business but I also am human. So I went to his FB to his friends and found her. The only pics available are of her daughter, which are her profile pics. Her daughter is 8 months old and was born the day after Audra's birthday. This woman is incredibly successful career wise from the looks of her linked in profile. After I found her FB I googled her and found her linked in. So I know what she looks like. So then there is the whole I would probably like her factor and I'm angry and mad and furious and doubting myself and my decision while also feeling bad for this woman who I don't know who I don't know her story.

Yesterday I got a text from D that I didn't respond to. I have been very careful not to respond because clearly when I respond he gets in my head and I get confused.

Today I'm trying very hard to get back to my plan. I'm done. I know that I love him. My mom asked me last night why and I explained because it was not all bad. Because in some ways there were things that really made sense about our marriage and sometimes he really got me. The reason I had to leave were and are very valid. I know what I've been through.

Yes I am going to go back to see my counselor because I'm trying to process all of this and it's a huge overload of feelings and emotions!

Thank goodness it's Friday!!!

Minneapolis, MN trip

Last Friday I woke up crazy early and headed to the Charlotte airport. I was finally on my way to visit my friend Lisa! I have long wanted to visit and see her city and finally I was able to get a trip on our calendars for October of this year.

Since I woke up so early I definitely needed a caffeine fix. There was not a starbucks in concourse A so I went with cinnabon yummy but extremely calorie laden. I was on vacation so what is a splurge here and there, or for the entire weekend...

Our first stop after Lisa picked me up from the airport was the Minnehaha falls. Oh my goodness so beautiful. I can't tell you how many times I would stop walking and say, oh how gorgeous, beautiful, amazing. The scenery on my trip was spectacular!!!

The fall colors were just glorious! We walked a little bit around the trail of the falls but it was super muddy at a point so we decided that was a good time to turn back. We went on an errand and then went to lunch at a fabulous taco place. I had veggie tacos that were fabulous!!!

After lunch we drove to an area where we could walk some more. The lake we walked around was so beautiful! I was not prepared for the humidity but it makes sense because there is so much water all around. After walking for a bit around the lake we made our way to Wild Rumpus bookstore. I was delighted by the animals, the ceiling, which is above, and the books!!! I had presents to buy for Marg's boys and I found the perfect Lego and dog book for my nephews.

The store had cats that greeted us when we arrived. They also had all sorts of other animals. I thought the chinchillas were so cute all snuggled up in their little space. After the book store we headed back to Lisa's place where she fixed the most delicious Chicken with mushroom wine sauce pasta and I got to watch HGTV. I don't have cable, and I don't watch a whole lot of TV typically but I love HGTV and Food Network!

With all the food I definitely needed a run. So Lisa took me through her boyfriends neighborhood for an amazingly beautiful 4 miler. You can't really see it in this picture but it was raining leaves and it was just such a gorgeous morning! I expected snow and cold when I planned this trip this past June. I know how cold it can be in this part of the country. I was in for a treat because the weather was so mild!

We had to check on Mr. Ted. Ted lives with Lisa's boyfriend and he is the most handsome cat! He purs like a motorboat and greeted us and was just so sweet! After taking care of Ted we went to a place called Victors for brunch. It took me forever to figure out what to order because everything looked amazing! After brunch we went back to Lisa's and showered and got ready. Then we set out on foot so I could explore her neighborhood and the part of the city where she works. We did a little shopping. Splurged on a little starbucks. It was so neat to be able to walk to everything! Including Target! After walking we went back and rested for a bit before church. Her church is SO pretty!!! They have these beautiful chandeliers and Fleur De Li's and it was a special treat to witness 2 baptisms.

After church we went to dinner at Brasa. Oh my goodness! We ordered roast pork and beef and a rice dish and plantains and go to Lisa's post for a picture of the food, YUMMY!

Sunday morning we woke up and went to a yoga sculpt class. It kicked my butt! It was fantastic! After yoga Lisa made a breakfast casserole that was so good I had seconds! It was an egg dish and it was DELICIOUS!!! After breakfast she took me to the top of an overlook and the picture above is my view from there. The picture below is another shot that I took from the lookout. It was a gorgeous day! 

After the lookout we walked over to a place called Wilde Roast cafe. I had a delicious raspberry coffee and Lisa had gelato that looked fantastic! I am still on my sweets fast until April 2015 so still no cakes, cookies, candy or ice cream for me. I do enjoy my coffees though!

After Wilde Roast we walked a bit more. This was a picture taken from a bridge viewpoint. There is lots of water and lots of bridges in Minneapolis. After our walk we rested for a bit and then we went to a pizza place where Lisa's running club was having their end of year party. I really enjoyed meeting everyone and seeing the pictures from the year. In all honesty it was the best pizza I've ever had! I was delighted that my sweet friend, who has to be really careful with her diet, was able to enjoy appetizers, pizza and dessert. They had amazing looking gluten free pizza!!!!

I said goodbye on Monday and flew home. I got back to Charlotte and the temperature was in the 80's. It has been so warm! It's supposed to get cold this weekend though.

For many many reasons I am thankful that I was able to go on this trip. First of all I really love my friend and I'm so glad that she is back home where she loves. She lived in Charlotte for a year and I know that it was not an easy year for many reasons. I'm thankful I was able to catch up with her and see so much of the beautiful city of Minneapolis. I love being able to walk most places, I think that is just so cool! I'm thankful that I was with a friend when I found out the tough news that D has a girlfriend. I knew it would happen, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I am thankful that I was able to get away for a weekend and see and do so much! I also appreciate that Lisa made sure I was able to continue my workouts! Even with all the eating (and I made a piglet of myself at the pizza place) we walked quite a bit and fit in 2 workouts. I got back Monday and took Jack for a run. More on the fitness in another post.

I'm thankful for my friend! Thankful for this experience! Thankful! This trip was wonderful!

Choices have Consequences

Driving to work this morning it hit me.

I'm upset for a lot of reasons. One of those being the fact that I made such  a poor decision when it came to who I married.

Less than the fact that Daron is dating, which I thought would happen much sooner than now, is the fact that I'm mourning my marriage. I ALWAYS wanted to get married. I put getting married ahead of God.

God has used these past few years, and I wouldn't trade any of it because it has brought me to where I am now. As much as I'm hurting, as much as this is not a process I would choose, I know that the choices we make have consequences.

I can't undo my past. However, I can remember where I've been so that I don't have to repeat these lessons! God is good and He is faithful and despite my incredibly poor choices He is certainly working all of this for His good!

The Confirmation

A much happier post is coming complete with pictures. I had an amazingly wonderful time visiting my friend in Minneapolis and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to take the trip!

I knew when I left Daron in February that he would move on and start dating again. I expected it to happen in 6-8 weeks after I left. Instead we ended up doing joint counseling which I made the decision to end because I could see that it just was not going the way that it needed to.

I knew this summer that D went to OH to do a wedding and I had a feeling he met someone there because he returned a week later. I'm not sure if this is the same woman or not but I found out yesterday that he has been dating someone for a few months.

I check his FB. I do this so I can know what is going on. I noticed that last weekend he went to Raleigh and this weekend he went to DC. So I asked Amy yesterday afternoon about the DC trip. This is when it was confirmed that he was going with the woman he had been dating for a few months.

I knew all along he would move on and start dating. I have believed from the begining that he will be engaged before our divorce is final.

His I love you texts stopped about 2 weeks ago. So I had a pretty good indicator that whoever he was dating was getting more serious.

See I knew all along he couldn't not have someone, and regardless of what he was trying to convince me of he would not be able to be alone.

His post yesterday about his trip talked about going to karaoke and having fun without alcholol. This woman that he is dating drinks, but supposedly only with his permission. Which on so many levels that is screwed up but it's truly none of my business.

I thought that I had cried all my tears. I didn't expect for the confirmation that he is in fact dating someone to bother me the way that it has.

I'm still married. Yes we are separated. Yes I made this choice. Yes I know I've made the right decision.

There is a scripture verse in the Bible that Christians use a lot to beat people over the head with regarding divorce. It simply states that God hates divorce.

I believe that God does hate divorce but not because it is always a sin. Rather this process of tearing apart 2 married people is painful. It creates gaping hurting wounds that have to be gently healed by the loving Father who created us. When two people marry God knits them together in a very special way. He makes 2 into 1. So when these 2 who have become 1 become 2 again, it's a very painful separating and I was unprepared for how much it was going to hurt.

In the most tangible way possible God has allowed me to feel His presence today. I found out while I was with my friend enjoying such a fantastic weekend. I immediately began praying because I was hurting. Within a very short time after finding out Patrice messaged me about the gender reveal for the baby and I got to see the sweet video announcing I'm going to have another nephew.

This morning my scripture verses were John 16:33 and Hebrews 4:12. The Girlfriends in God devotional was spot on for what I needed. I was sent thru the TSA security check and I didn't have to take off my shoes or go through the long line. I looked at FB and my feed was filled with verses that are God's promises to us.

I read scripture on the plane on my way back to Charlotte. I was comforted by His word.

I know that this decision is mine. I love how at the start my Mom told me to give it a year and see what happened. I think that was such amazing wise advice. I would have a much harder time, in spite of everything I've been through, if Daron had actually continued to work on all the things he said he was going to work on. I would have a much harder time accepting my choice if he had continued to attend meetings, focus on sobriety, and seek the Lord. I know the abuse I went through. I know the reasons I made my decision. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God rescued me and brought me to where I am.

As much as the confirmation of the fact that he has moved on hurts, and as many tears as I have cried in these past 24 hours frustrate me because I don't want to cry any more over him, I am thankful. I would not change where I am. I would not change how God has used all this. I want to be the woman God is calling me to be. I want to glorify the Lord through my words, choices and actions. I am thankful that in the knowing, as much as it hurts, I know once again that I made the right choice.

I hurt!

My body hurts! From my shoulders down!

Saturday morning I woke up crazy early and was at the gym by 5:15. I worked out until 6:15 and then showered and drove up to High Point.

I rode with my brother and SIL to Boone and kept my nephew company in the back seat.

We had the best time! It was one of those amazing, incredible, wonderful, beautiful days in the NC Mountains and spending time with my family was fantastic!

We left the mountains after lunch and drove back to High Point and then I drove back to Charlotte.

I helped celebrate Carolyn's birthday Saturday night at my favorite, Los Arcos. Carolyn is the friend who directed my wedding, and then helped me move out of the Concord house.

My Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda arrived Saturday while we were at dinner for an impromptu visit. They decided last week to come for a visit this week. I love that I have seen them so frequently this year!

Sunday I was up early and ran 4 miles. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda went to church with me. I went to the 11 service so I got to see Audra, she hugged me for about 5 minutes and wouldn't let go. We sat with Patrice and Aaron.

After church Brian and Jenny were in town and joined us for lunch at my parent's house.

Monday I went to chair fit for the first time in ages. I am STILL so sore!!!!!!!

 

Yesterday I was able to have lunch with my parents and Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda, they came to Pineville and took me to lunch. Last night I didn't go to my small group so I could spend more time with my family. I did take Jack for a 4 mile run.

Tonight I have shake and tone.  I'm pretty sure I won't be using the 5lb weights. I have been trying to stay within my calorie range but this week I am so hungry all the flipping time! I kind of want to say forget it but I can't because I've committed to at least do my best to make this outfit fit!

Perspective in 21 days

Last night was shake and tone. I love this class, I really do, but it kicks my butt every single time! The instructor incorporates lunges and burpees and tons of squats into the hour long session of lots of movement and we hold weights the whole time. I use 5lb weights although most people go less than that.

I'm sore. So very sore! I'm trying to remember that I'm going to be happy that I put all this effort in. I've got dinner plans with Patrice tonight followed by church so tonight is a night off from working out.

Tomorrow night I am running before my Al-Anon meeting. Saturday morning I will drag my rear end out of bed early so I can get a gym workout in. Sunday is a race day, another early morning. I can guarantee a nap will happen at some point on Sunday.

I figured out next week's workout schedule. Chair Fit Monday. Run at the gym before small group on Tuesday. Shake and Tone Wednesday. Run on Thursday. Friday will be a day off since I am flying to see my friend Lisa, YAY!!!!. Saturday we are running, this is another YAY!!!! as I have seen her pictures and this thrills me no end to run around the lake. Sunday we are taking a class that she really likes, which is perfect. Monday I fly home and will likely go for a run when I get home.

I am thankful that I am able to do all this. For the past several years a schedule like what I've described would have been completely impossible. Yes I'm tired. Yes this is a tough schedule I'm putting myself through but it's only temporary. Having the freedom to choose to workout, and go to MN and participate in a girls only small group, and all the other components of my week I don't take for granted.

I understand that you have to make time for the other person in your marriage. I understand that there has to be compromise.  I did not really understand what making time and compromise looked like before I got married. I just figured everything would work itself out. I spent the first year of marriage pushing hard against the isolation that the person I married was trying so hard to create.

I read articles about making time for each other, putting each other first, compromise, being a good spouse, and they are wonderful articles. I have reached a place where I understand that these are good articles when you are in a healthy relationship. I have taken the tests about is your relationship healthy, mine was not. I learned how to be healthy in setting boundaries and pushing against the isolation because I found Al-Anon and I clung to it as my lifeline.

As I challenge myself in these 21 days and push myself harder than normal I am able to do this because I know it's temporary. I'm thankful that I can do this because I've been set free from the prison that my marriage was. I don't want to forget where I've been and how far I've come!

5th day in

Blogger is back at work. For a while it was blocked. I still can't access most blogs but I'll take having blogger again!

Saturday I had my 5 miler race.
Sunday I went to the gym and did weights and the elliptical.
Monday I ran 4 miles with Jack.
Tuesday I went to the gym and did weights and the elliptical.
Tonight I have shake and tone, think zumba with weights.

I'm doing my best to stay motivated. I know that my goal is not unrealistic because of the way the outfit fits. I just get tired about this time during the week. Plus trying to figure out things like, I have a women's night at church tomorrow night and I need to do something before that but I might have dinner plans... I am going to Boone with my brother and SIL Saturday and I think I'm going to go to the gym that morning, which means I can run on Friday night before my Al-Anon meeting so maybe it's ok if I don't work out tomorrow...

I have another race on Sunday, it's only a 5K but I'm hoping for a PR.

Next week I'll have to look at my calendar and figure it all out again... It's a good thing this is just a short term thing and I'm beginning to understand why I have no motivation, I'm busy!

The 21 days of trying to fit in the Halloween costume

Last week I was going through pictures on my parent's computer. I know that my weight has fluctuated high and low over the years, much to my disgust! I found bathing suit pictures from 2005, 2006 and 2007...

Yes no makeup at all and I was super thin! Beach trip 2005

I didn't know this picture existed and I was shocked when I saw it. I don't think I'm ever going to like my legs. Lake house 2006

Beach trip 2007. I was dating Chuck and clearly had eaten my way through the year. 

Mother's Day 2008 I was dating Kendall. I do miss those pants, they were super comfortable!

September 2013 at Audra's school's fall festival.

I ordered my "costume" last week from Forever 21, it's a super cute jumpsuit. I had researched the different pictures of the Charlie's Angels and this outfit was what I had in mind for my look. I ordered a large, which according to the size chart I thought would fit. It arrived Saturday, their shipping is awesome, and it fits, but not the way I would like for it to.

Now granted I have been working out. But I also realize that I go over on "my fitness pal" calories everyday. Quite honestly because I just really haven't had any reason to truly lose any weight. For the most part my jeans fit, it's no longer bathing suit season, and I'm 35 and I accept I will never be a size 4. That picture of me in 2005 I actually fit into some 4's. I also never ate anything and I was taking prescription diet pills, and oh I miss those! Just being honest!

The picture in 2006 was before my running days. I don't have any pictures of 2011 but that year I was probably around the same size as 2006. I'll readily admit I wasn't necessarily healthy either of those years,

I decided, after trying the outfit on, that I would like for it to fit the way that I wanted it to fit. I knew that with just a few pounds it will easily flow over my legs instead of clinging to my thighs. I recognized yesterday afternoon, after I ate about 3 servings of cereal, that I needed to go workout. So I did. I did the weight rotation plus 30 minutes on an elliptical. Today I ran 4 miles with Jack.

Side note, it was ridiculously hot and humid but that's the nature of NC in October. Also, Jack and I saw his twin on my run. The resemblance between Jack and this other dog was uncanny!

I decided that I'm going to stay within my calories, and I'm going to try to work out several times a week between now and November 1, which is when this party is that I'm attending. Like I said the outfit fits, but it's not at all flattering. I think if I devote 21 days (or 19 days now) to working out and eating right, I will be much happier with how it looks. I promise to post pictures!

In pictures

This was when I was with all my girls before the wedding and Audra came to see me. 

This was right before the ceremony. She was so sick and had a terrible cough!

This was a UNCC race that they used to do in October. This was October 2011. Jack had been at my parent's house for a week because he bit Daron when Daron tried to punish him for peeing on the carpet. If I ever date again, and that is a big if, they will HAVE to love animals. This was the only race that Daron ever came to, other than the one he showed up at this past June thinking it would be a good idea. I can't get over how little Audra is in this picture!

This was Jack Christmas of 2011. His little face breaks my heart! There are circles under his eyes because the situation at home was so stressful. 

We didn't have Audra for Christmas 2011 so this was a few days later. She and I visited my parent's and she opened all her Christmas presents from my family.

We were watching Tangled. I can see in my face and my eyes how bad it was. I remember the time, and how awful it was but seeing this picture makes it that much more vivid.

This was Audra's 3rd birthday. The night before her party D had been up all night long, and I was so exhausted.

This was before Audra's 5th birthday party. Once again he was less than helpful and I was super tired.

This was Easter 2014. I can tell in my face and in Jack's that we were in a better place. I was still in the joint counseling at this point but since I no longer lived under the constant stress I was able to start healing.

This is my nephew's first birthday party in May 2014. It would be shortly after this picture was taken that I would end the process of joint counseling. In these last 2 pictures my eyes reflect my smile. I have pictures of me smiling during my marriage and I wasn't always miserable but as I have gone back through these pictures I have realized just how thankful I am to be where I am! I have pictures that I have posted from my birthday party and more recent but these are the ones that are on this computer. I think as the months have passed I have been more and more able to let go and rest in the knowledge that I am safe. 

Life lately

I have been invited to a halloween party and I said I would go. It's a little intimidating because the invited friends are all so much prettier than I am. The pictures from parties past are definitely impressive in regards to the costumes that guests wear.

I researched. My original idea was to be a runner. A hollywood fully glammed out runner but a runner. My friend Margaret said be more creative. I racked my brain and remembered how much I love Charlie's Angels. I decided that I could put together a Charlie's Angel costume. I'm going as Kellie Garrett (Jaclyn Smith's character). I have an outfit. Tonight I found the perfect necklace. Once my outfit arrives I will figure out what shoes will work. I think I can totally make this work. I'm contemplating false eyelashes...

I have a race on Saturday, a 5 miler. I've been running quite a bit and tracking calories. My fitness pal gives me a calorie limit of 1400 calories a day. If I work out I get more calories. I'll be really honest, I never ever stay within my calorie count. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to track but I figure at least I know and this way I can see why I'm not losing weight.

I also realize that I just don't have that much motivation to be a different size. I think there are more important things on my plate, or maybe not even that, maybe I just don't want to constantly beat myself up over not being a certain number on the scale.

My condo, oh my word! So thankfully God provided the tenants in a week, so very very thankful for this!

The leak from the upstairs tub. They fixed through my unit, no one contacted me about this. The handyman for the upstairs unit was in my unit and cut a big hole in my wall. I found this out when my technician was sent to fix the wall, and told my property manager that there is a really big hole. All I can think is dollar signs.

Today I get an email from my property manager that the AC isn't working. This is not a shock to me. I had to ask the previous property manager 3 times to send someone out. When they went out they said that the coils just needed to be vacuumed but that it was fine. Somehow I figured I would have to pay for another visit. Sure enough today that message came. Again, dollar signs.

I realize that because I have a tenant I have a way to offset the cost of these expenses and it's not all happening while the condo sits empty waiting for a new tenant and I'm not having to deal with it all living there. I'm beyond thankful for this provision and I realize that I am so incredibly blessed! Eventually this will all settle down and I can implement my pay down debt initiative that I have been planning.

This past Sunday I took my friend Marg's to lunch for her birthday. Yes I have a pay down debt initiative but I believe in the important things like taking one of my best friends to lunch for her birthday. She picked Olive Garden so she was a cheap lunch date. We both got the soup, salad and breadsticks, so yummy!!!

This past week at work has been customer service appreciation week. I wrote an essay about customer service and won, my price, a panera gift card.

In my small group we have started a new study, we're doing the book Bad Girls of the Bible. I think I'm going to like it our assignment for our next meeting is to read chapter 2. Chapter 1 was on Eve.

I finally figured out the watch that my brother and SIL gave me for Christmas in 2010. I'm a few years late in doing this but better late than never! I plan to wear it Saturday and see if I really have figured it out.

On that note I'll sign off. Thankful that tomorrow is Friday!!!

a picture is worth a 1000 words

I just looked through pictures. If I was at a computer that didn't take 100 years to upload a single photo I would actually share them with you.

I think it has something to do with the fact that my Dad has a really nice camera and the picture sizes, not sure but that is my guess. It takes FOREVER to even get the internet to load on this computer and it's SO frustrating!

I thought about taking pictures of the pictures and emailing them to myself and trying that way but after trying to get the pictures already I really just need to write.

It's funny, or not really funny, but maybe ironic. I don't have a whole lot of pictures from June 2011 until February 2014, and even now I don't have a lot but with my new iphone I now have the ability to share pictures. I love it!

I was struck in looking at pictures of the first Christmas (2011) my eyes. The eyes are definitely the window to the soul! I looked at pictures of Jack and he looks so sad and unhappy. That point in time was so dark. So difficult. I am glad that there are pictures because I can look and see and remember and understand where I've been.

The truth is usually I look at pictures of myself to see if I look fat or thin. These pictures I looked at to see what my face was reading.

I looked at the pictures from my wedding day. The sheer joy before and then after the ceremony my face was already tense. I was already aware that he was frustrated and ready to leave the celebration. My parents took the friends and family out to dinner afterwards and as I was looking at the pictures I thought, I wish I had been there.

I remember the drive, the first night, the weekend, the week after. I remember thinking I can't leave because what will people think. I don't think I've ever felt as hopeless as those weeks following my wedding.

I look at pictures of Audra. How often she was with me. I was thinking about how she was just turned 2 when I met her Dad and just turned 5 when I left him. I don't struggle over the Audra factor the way I thought I would. I think this is because her Mom is nothing like Gabby's mom and I know that she lives with her Mom and Grandparents and she is safe and loved and in a good place.

She was so little, such a baby, in the early pictures. I am blown away by how fast time goes and reminded of how life is ever changing.

I got an I love you text last night. I thought he was moving on, and I was fine with that. Apparently I'm going to get these texts until I file for divorce in February. I'm glad I looked at the pictures. Despite everything that I've been through there is still that part of me that questions if I should give just one more chance. It's a very small part but it's there.

My truth is my trust was completely destroyed and all the promises were broken time and time again.

I know I need to start writing about happier stuff. I'm processing. I'm so very aware that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.