Recent Conversation

I have a friend on My Space who I went to High School with. She was a year ahead of me and we randomly found each other on My Space a few years ago. She is married and has a little girl who just turned 6. Whenever she posts pictures I always check them out because her little girl is close in age to my ex boyfriends little girl. This year my friends little girl had a princess theme b'day party along with princess cake and it reminded me of the 4 year old party I did 2 years ago. I emailed her about how much I always enjoy her pictures and we talked back and forth about life and how it would always seem that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
She looks at her single friends pictures and thinks about how awesome it is that we get to go out and have fun. I look at her pictures and think about what life was like when every weekend revolved around a then 4 year old. As time goes on I forget about the frustrations and aggravations and it all kind of develops a rosy glow of memory.
She has been married 10 years now and she has friends who have gotten divorced. She said it's so easy to let it go and not hold on but that God's grace is sufficient even in the darkest times. She encouraged me not to rush but to take my time and pray about all of it.
Her words to me could not have come at a better time. After this weekend of going out and having fun I was left with the biggest feeling of emptiness. I was once again struggling with the concept that it may not be in God's plan at all for me to ever get married or have a family. I was really starting to feel discouraged and yesterday I was thinking about taxes and how I might not get anything back and how frustrating it is that the government can bail out companies for trillions of dollars but I have to pay and pay and pay and I work so hard. As I was driving God so clearly spoke to me that He ALWAYS provides, and He has NEVER let me down through out this whole past year. He is ALWAYS there and His love and grace and mercy are enough to see me though even these difficult times. So whether it's money or relationship status or whatever the circumstance might be I have to remember to be thankful for all that He is, for all that His love has done and know that life here is short and to be lived for His glory and purpose.

Calorie Counting

So today as I was entering in my food on sparkpeople.com it occurred to me that it is about as much fun as balancing my negative balance budget. I mean really, no food that I eat has less than 100 calories. On a daily basis I try to drink water only, occasionally I splurge for the diet soda. I've thought about regular soda but at 150-200 calories a serving I would rather eat the caloric equavalent in food. this is not the same mentality I have with alcoholic beverages.
Today I came in conscious of the fact that I'm going to one of my favorite restaurants tonight, Cabo Fish Taco. In order not to completely go over my daily calorie limit I have tried really hard today to keep the during the day count low so I can enjoy tonight. As I was watching the balance rise and the available limit decline it made me think about my negative balance budget.
Some days I have no trouble at all with watching what I eat and I do really well with the total consumption. Weeks like this, when all I really want is sugar, well that makes the whole counting calorie thing a real drag!

hmmmm

So it turned out that that the status change was a facebook joke. I did use this as my opportunity to share the fact that my new years resolution was to be ok being single.
So he and I are friends end of story, and it's all cordial and respectable...

Yuck

So the guy I'd been out twice with turns out to be a major rat. We had a date Monday and then the last time I heard from him was Wednesday. Today his face book status changes to it's complicated. I know it's not me.
No matter that I keep telling myself that I knew I needed to not hang out with this person. No matter that from the start I was saying it would fizzle. My feelings are still hurt.
I sent a message saying "I know it's not me so congrats, best wishes, it was fun hanging out with you." I'm just a little hurt/mad/angry/etc/fill in the blanks...
I know that I know that I know that if I hadn't heard from him by end of today I was going to delete him from my friends anyways. I just did it sooner rather than later.
I write this more than anything so I can just let it go. I knew better from the start I really did. I just thought he was so interesting that I went against what I knew I needed to do. And now I see that b/c I didn't do what I knew I needed to I get hurt once again.
I've got to let go of this. It may just take a little bit.

The other shoe to fall

So Monday night I had the follow up date to the date from last week. Again this guy is charming, intelligent, handsome, fun... We had a conversation where we talked about the fact that I really don't go out all that often. We watched a movie after dinner. It was a good date. Yet I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. Waiting for the day when the phone call or text message does not come. I no longer understand nor care to do the casual relationship thing and yet I've essentially thrown myself into something like this anyways. I like the guy so I don't know how to explain that I just want to be friends.
I believe that he and I are in different worlds despite the fact that we live in the same city. I was chastised today by one of my friends for my negative thoughts. Really I think I'm less negative and more realistic. I'm just trying to continually fall back with this one. If he wants to contact me then he can call or text me. yes I have broken this rule with 2 text messages on different days but other than that I've done a pretty good job of not contacting him. This has nothing to do with any kind of rules and everything to do with the fact that I'm NOT trying to get attached. I believe that there can't be a future between us. Reading my previous post from New Years I understand all the more clearly why I need to let this fizzle as quickly as possible. How is it that when I don't want a relationship at all I manage to have someone pop into the picture.

Opening Doors

You would think that after being out sick all last week I would not have had a chance to meet anyone new. My friend happened to be in town from Chapel Hill and she called me up and asked me out to dinner the other night. One drink before dinner turned into several drinks over the course of several hours. I am always super friendly after a few drinks and I met this guy.
Last night he took me out to dinner at this fantastic restaurant in Plaza Midwood called Intermezzo's. It was delicious! The nicest thing, he opened all my doors for me all night long. This is a southern thing, until recently I had not thought about it but when it is not done for me, I recognize it.
He is good looking, intelligent, charming and interesting. I'm not sure what will happen but it was a great first date!

Reflection

It's January 1, 2009.  I've really been reflective thinking about the past year that has gone bye.  Obviously this is not unusual for me.  This morning the words to the song Amazing Grace were going thru my head, "I was once lost but now I'm found, once blind but now I see".  
Last night I braved up and looked thru some old photos of myself.  In my minds photo album all I remember is being the "fat" kid.  Never quite fitting in.  Never having the "right" clothes.  Never knowing what to say at those times when you really wished you had the words. As I was looking thru the pictures what struck me most is that while yes I was bigger then my friends I don't seem to be as huge as I believed myself to be thru high school.  The ironic thing is that my 7th and 8th grade years I really was as huge as I believed myself to be.  I look at pictures and I'm hit by the fact that while unhappy with myself over those 2 years I actually enjoyed my friends and school.  All these years I've been blind to the truth, that I wasn't hideously ugly in hight school. This morning I was watching the movie Shag.  This is one of my favorites, first given to me by one of my best friends in college.  Ever since then I have enjoyed watching it a couple times a year.  I lost my copy of it to the little girl of the guy I was dating and this year my cousin gave it to me for Christmas.  There is a line towards the end of the movie and I have to set it up. There are 4 friends who have all just graduated from high school.  Two are going off to college, one is getting married, one is trying to find her way to Hollywood.  They have one friend who they call "Pudge" she's always been the "chubby" friend but she's really not fat, she's been watching what she eats and she's actually quite pretty and her friends see it but her mom is still after her to stay on her diet.  So they've gone on a "bachelorette" type weekend for the friend getting married and Pudge meets a cute boy and they enter a shag contest.  The parents of one of the friends happen to be a senator and his wife and they are judges in this contest.  They read the name and the Senator says that's "Bill and Jane's"(can't remember the actual words here) daughter and the mother says no Pudge is fat that girl is pretty she must be a first cousin or something.  It made me think about the reaction that you get when people who haven't seen you since you were a kid have when they see you all grown up. My first year of college I definitely gained weight.  Then after that I started working out, watching what I ate (or not eating at all) taking diet pills, doing what ever I thought would work to lose weight.  I moved back to Charlotte and started working, meeting people.  I started going out and since no one had known me before no one could associate me as being the "fat girl".  I started dating.  I made a lot of mistakes.  I also refused to date anyone who was a Christian.  I figured my past made me unworthy to date anyone who was a Christian and most of the guys who I had known in the past who were my age who claimed to be "Christian" were actually hypocrites.  
September 27, 2006 I met for the first time in person the guy I believed I would marry.  He had a daughter, he was separated, his wife had cheated, I've gone into these details before.  I've thought a lot about if I can honestly say I wouldn't go back and change it all.  Knowing what I know now I can say I refuse to date anyone who has not been divorced for at least a year.  I really did think I now had the future figured out.  I kept making changes to try and accommodate what I thought he wanted.  I moved in with him, b/c that was easier then go back and forth between 2 houses all the time especially b/c of shoulder surgery and his little girl who was with us every weekend.  Christmas, birthdays, making trying to make those special, trying to make up for past hurts.  Trying to "be" everything I thought I had to in order to get him to realize that he really did want to marry me.  Trying to make me, into whatever it was I was supposed to be in order to be accepted and be wanted. I walked away but we got back together.  But then it was worse then before.  I really couldn't do anything right after that.  My own baggage from the past combined with what was going on in the relationship itself, it was overwhelming.  The conversation on Wednesday August 29, 2007 where essentially I was told I wasn't enough, I couldn't imagine that I was ever going to be able to do anything right.  Thursday August 30, 2007 I did what I do best, I ran away.  I looked at myself in the mirror, didn't even know the person looking back.  I threw my stuff in my car and sneaked out essentially in the middle of the night.  He would call me shortly after and ask what I was doing and then he would never forgive me and forever hate me for running out.  I've asked for forgiveness since then but he's not the forgiving type. I vividly remember that morning in the chair I had in my house at the time.  I remember so clearly hearing that voice telling me that I was loved, that there is a plan for me, that I wasn't alone.  The following months would be the most complicated, confusing, sometimes overwhelming, painful months.  I tried to distract myself with other relationships but that didn't work.  I did go into therapy, there were things from the past I needed to deal with as well as figuring out how to move past the hurt from the relationship.  I was literally broken into so many pieces.  I really began to question the way I had been handling things and how I had been trying so hard to direct and control everything.  My family would find out in February 2008 that my Grandaddy had cancer that had metastasized and he had tumors all over his body.  What a time where I learned to walk in faith.  I remember praying the night that we found out that the Lord would not let my Grandaddy die until Grandaddy really knew Him.  In so many ways over the next few weeks I know that people were put in place to be a witness to my Grandaddy.  Grandaddy went home April 12, 2008.
In March I met a guy who I dated for the next few months.  My mom never did like the guy.  I've talked about him in previous posts.  Ultimately I realized that I could not force the guy to be someone that he wasn't and he definitely wasn't the right person for me.  It took 5 months but I finally said I know that we don't have a future together.  
I met an awesome guy who I really liked a lot, in fact I fell in love with him.  Nothing is ever simple, he had things he needed to focus on and could not be in a relationship to do this. 2008 was a year of many challenges, personally, professionally, romantically, it was not an easy year.  I sit here today thinking about 2009 and the fact that even though I have no idea what this year holds I am anything but lost.  I have nothing to be confused or worried about.  I walk in faith, I walk knowing that in His time God will reveal His plan for me.  If I never marry, if I never have children then that's ok.  Better to walk in His ways and truth then try and force my own way and cause future generations troubles because of my own desire to control everything.  He is all I need.  He knew all my days before I was born.  As hard as it is to take a step back and not worry I know that He has the very best plan for me because He created me.  There will be times when I get discouraged, down, frustrated, even worried but I have only to give praise and thanks for all that He has done and know that He desires to use my life for His glory and His purpose.