2016 is off to a good start!

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

In the moments when I can be still before Him I can find peace. Life is crazy busy. These past weeks since Thanksgiving have been very intense work wise. Then trying to make sure to have the opportunity to spend time with family and friends. It’s certainly been a whirlwind going into 2016!

2015 was filled with amazing blessings! I will always look back and remember that 2015 was a good year!

I thought that there would be some situations that would look a little different in 2016 but I can let go of the idea of how I thought it would look. I can trust knowing that God has the perfect plans for me. He has woven me into the lives of friends, he has woven me into church and he causes details to work so amazingly! When I remember where I was this time in 2014, and how far I’ve come, it’s really incredible!

This time last year the countdown had begun for when I would be able to file my paperwork. I was going to be closing out the final chapter of my marriage. It was a long process! I still hear from my ex although not nearly as often as before. I still do not respond to any messages from him.

I intended to put less on the calendar for 2016 but the year is already starting off with plenty of calendar events already booked. I’m trying to be wise about what I book and not overbook, we’ll see how it goes. I’m excited for what’s coming!

2015 in review

To sum up 2015 in a word – Thankful

I closed out 2014 ready to begin my count down to the filing. I knew I would be filing the paperwork for my divorce finalization on February 5 and quite honestly that date could not come soon enough for me.

January was FAHREEZING cold! I am so thankful that my parents have a wood stove! Work was insane! My coworker/friend said goodbye to her husband after his long struggle with his health. While she was out I was handling a workload that I thought might just put me under! Somehow I managed it, that’s only by God’s grace and His help!

February 5 I was at the lawyer’s office bright and early to sign the paperwork. We filed that day. I would have to wait several more weeks before the nice judge signed the papers and let me change my last name back! That afternoon I toasted with Patrice and then went to a women’s event at church. That weekend I went to a dream conference on how to better understand and interpret dreams.

March was my 4^th half marathon. I ran it and the following week I had my final CIC test. The all essay 2 hour exam was tough but I passed and achieved my designation. I attended a training class to get my foot in the door working with individuals who have been trafficked. It would take several more weeks before further doors were opened. Patrice had baby W and moved to Winston Salem and then a few months later moved to Durham where they are now settled, hopefully for a while.

April 1 my divorce finalized. THANKFUL. I could share many stories and explain further but it’s in the past and I’m free and I don’t have to reflect further over my ex-husband. I am learning as I move forward how to understand myself better and continue to be mindful of my patterns and the ways I handle situations.

I had my first date after divorce on April 23. He was so very nice, funny, and easy to talk to. The date lasted several hours and I thoroughly enjoyed his company! My yearlong sweets fast ended and I fell face first into ice cream, candy and cookies! Friday, the day after my date, I got a letter from my lawyer explaining that because my ex-husband was too impatient to wait for the mailed paperwork and he requested that my lawyer email the documents I ended up owing the lawyer money instead of being paid in full. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been THAT angry! That weekend I had to figure out how to pack for a week away in the middle of nowhere. I’m a planner, I like to know how things are going to go. I like to know what to expect and it suddenly hit me that during this week I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Talk about freaking out! I reverted to being 10, and melting down… It was bad! So bad in fact that my parents drove me to the church where the bus was leaving from to make sure I actually left for Heart Quest.

For years I had been struggling with my voice and if I was under stress or sick my voice would be gone. Most of 2015 I was losing my voice several times during a week. The Sunday that I left I had no voice. It did come back while I was on the bus but that week I lost my voice multiple times.

I will forever be thankful for what my Heart Quest allowed me become. The year of separation and even before that during my marriage God had been working on me. Growing me, shaping me and allowing me to break free from old patterns and grow more into who He has planned all along. Heart Quest, as I’ve said before, was a completion of some things and a start to others. That final morning we were there 2 of my HQ sisters prayed for me including praying for my voice. From that morning on I have not lost my voice. I’m humbled by God’s grace because my voice had been destroyed because of my abuse. I totally didn’t deserve that healing because of what I had been doing for the past 15 years but because God is God not only have I been walking in freedom from bulimia for over a year and a half now but He healed my voice as well.

May I was supposed to run another half but I was dealing with injury from the March race so I took it easy from running in order to heal. I could run short distance but not the miles required for a half. My nephew turned 2 and we had a party for him. The weather was warming and spring was quickly moving towards summer.

June was full! I was supposed to go to a concert with the guy who I had met in April but he wasn’t able to go and then he fell off the face of the earth. I was able to accept that and let it go. I took my Mom to the Brad Paisley concert instead and we had so much fun together! I attended the National Society Children of the American Revolution Southeastern Regional (#nscarseregional2015) and I wore pretty dresses and caught up with old friends. Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda came to town and I went shopping and had fun with Mom and Aunt Linda.

In July my brother and SIL welcomed another little boy bringing my nephew count to 6, although I have a few more that I consider nephews so I think I’m at like 9 right now. I would love to add a girl to the mix, but I’m thankful for the boys and I think they are all wonderful!

I never made it to the lake house because life was crazy, it was really hot and the house has to be opened and the AC running to be comfortable and basically life just got in the way. I visited my friend Margs in SC and enjoyed a day at the pool. I got to have dinner with my other Margaret that night and enjoy catching up with her.

August arrived and with it a new job. I left the company I had been with for almost 6 years for a new opportunity and it was such a God thing the way everything worked out! I went to the Dirty Dancing Festival at Lake Lure and had so much fun I already booked a house to go back next year. My birthday was amazing and I had a wonderful day in Boone followed by a fun dinner at home. I ended the month and the first weekend of September I got to drive to NoVa to visit Jess.

September ended up being insane! The second weekend was the only weekend I was home. The 3^rd weekend I had the girls beach reunion, and it was amazing! The last weekend I went to FL with Patrice and we had an amazing time in Tampa!

October arrived and with it the women’s conference at church and my friend Ally’s (Patrice’s sister) wedding at Isle of Palms. Her wedding was the weekend after the historic SC flooding and driving through Columbia I could see the devastation and it was heartbreaking!

I took my conceal carry class and passed and then October slipped away and November came. November was filled with friends and family. I enjoyed 3 Thanksgivings, one at work, one on the Sunday before with my brother and SIL aunts and uncles and then on the actual day of Thanksgiving and yes I did a LOT of running during this time!

December arrived and has been a whirlwind of a month. Work got crazy and I was writing report after report and now it seems to have slowed down once again.

So much has happened and so many memories have been captured and I am overwhelmingly thankful for all the blessing in my life! 

5 minutes

I've been MIA from this space for so long I can't even recap it all!

After Thanksgiving I started working 50+ hours a week because our crunch time at work is now. I write reports for work and while I love that God brought a job to me that is heavy on the writing by the time I was working on my last report yesterday I could barely form a cohesive sentence. I will say that thesaurus.com is my new best friend! My vocabulary has probably tripled over these past few weeks!

Thanksgiving was amazing. I had a work Thanksgiving the Wednesday a week before. I had a family Thanksgiving on the Sunday before and on Thanksgiving we had my Aunt and Uncle and Granny Green over for dinner and Mexican Train.

I ran a 10K race Thanksgiving morning and admittedly I'm a little bummed that my time was not anywhere close to my PR the year before! The following Saturday I had a chance to redeem my time when I ran a Rudolph 10K except the course was a double loop and it was unbelievably hilly! I'm not great with hills and so my time was respectable but not awesome.

After that race I went to my friend Paula's little boys 2nd birthday party. Instead of presents she requested bags of dog food for a foundation that provides food for local dogs whose families are on food assistance programs so the families don't have to give their human food to their fur family.

The rest of Saturday I worked from home.

I can't believe Christmas is next Friday! Even working as much as I have been I've been able to still be consistent with my workouts, for the most part. While there is a part of me that currently wants to go home and consume a few bottles of wine at the end of the day instead I go home and work a little bit more and then go to the gym. Once December wraps up life at work will resume a more normal pace.

Fortunately most of my Christmas shopping was done before Thanksgiving because otherwise I would be scrambling!

November 11-15

My CIC dinner was a fairly typical hotel banquet. I got complimented on my outfit in the ladies room by 3 women who were attending another event, always a nice little boost for my ego! I sat at a table with 2 ladies who were super nice and easy to talk to. It was overall enjoyable and the best part is I got my CIC pin.

Thursday night I met my friend for dinner before the Awakened (women's event) night at church. It was so good to catch up with her and hear what God is doing! Then the Awakened event itself, totally blown away!

This past year the Awakened events have been special but a lot of times I haven't felt super "connected" to what the message was. I appreciated it, knew that God was moving but it wasn't like in the 2011-2013 years when every time I went I was so touched by how God was right there. I survived my marriage because of church and Al-Anon. Thursday night's message was good but it was what happened as it was wrapping up that I wasn't prepared for. Pastor T said that God was calling people into full time ministry. She said and right now your heart has started beating really hard in your chest, and I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart was beating so hard it literally hurt. She went through and was praying with those who weren't right with God, then there were a list of areas that they prayed through and then she called those of us called into full time ministry to the front.

Now here's the truth, I have been in church my entire life and for most of my life I have absolutely refused to go front. Call it pride, rebellion, and fear but I wouldn't. It's only been in the past few years that I have willingly gone forward. Thursday night even if I had wanted to stay in my seat I don't think it would have been an option. I was prayed over and I'm surprised I was able to stand up because I've never felt the presence of the Spirit like that before.

This doesn't really fit with any of my plans, which is totally not a shocker since God's ways and my ways have never been similar. His timing has never been my timing. His ways are ALWAYS better than mine. It's taken me a long time to reach this place of being able to surrender but even from this place of surrender it's still overwhelming to think of accepting the call, although it's been accepted and there's no going back for me now.

The truth is I don't have to figure it out. In the same way that He has been leading all along I know that he has the details worked out for this part of my story as well. I don't know what it's going to look like or how He's going to open doors but I trust Him and I know that He is good, He is faithful and His word is truth and life.

Friday I left work at 12 and I was able to get a run in and my friend Margs came up and we went to dinner with my parents and it was awesome!

Saturday my friend Margs went with my Mom and our friend Carolyn to the school house Christmas craft fair. We had such a good time!

Saturday afternoon I took Jack for a walk and I was praying about the volunteer coordinator position that I'm in for the organization that I work with. We're in a growth season and I was praying about the best way to move forward. It came to me that we need to build a community so that's what I will be focusing on come January.

Sunday I had church and a baby shower and then my friend Chelsea came over to the house to hang out for a bit.

I originally started this post last week but life is so crazy busy at work that I'm going to have to write a different post for what's happened since I wrote this one.

5 minutes

Not having to be anywhere or do anything last Friday night was wonderful! I did go to the gym to run 6 miles. I figured out if I ran 6 Friday night then I could do 4 on Sunday.

Saturday I drove to High Point to spend time with my super precious nephews! My oldest nephew is talking, he's 2 1/2, and repeating everything and it's pretty much the best thing ever!!!! I love hearing my name and I love how he mimics stuff and he's pretty much just awesome!

I got a text from Patrice while I was up there so she and I planned an early dinner. We met at 5:30 at Macadoos, we love that place even if the service is ALWAYS slow! I had her recounting her story of when she and her husband met and how the timeline went. I love their story so much because if God can bring her husband into her life from a pedicure chair while she was in NC and he was in FL then anything is possible!

Sunday morning I had the 8am prayer service and 9 service and then I met my small group girls for lunch and caught up with them. I love them so much and it was great catching up! After lunch I went home and got a 4 mile run in with Jack. Then I gave Jack a bath, cleaned the bathroom and picked up my friend Chelsea to go to the Encounter service at church.

We were on 85 and all of a sudden this white car is coming into my lane, praise God that the far left lane was totally empty. I swerved into that lane in order to avoid a collision. The person was on their phone and totally not paying attention. It was only God that we were not in a really serious accident Sunday evening!

The Encounter service was amazing! It's hard to get back out on a Sunday evening knowing I have work the next day but I'm so glad that I did. Afterwards we went for Mexican and then I dropped Chelsea off.

Monday night I went to TCX class. I'm progressively adjusting, I didn't feel like I was going to die and I call that a win! Last night I had a meeting with the organization that I volunteer with. I'm excited for what God is doing with that!

Tonight I have a dinner where my CIC designator will be conferred, or something like that. It's a big deal, I'm excited! I'm wearing heels and a dress and a jacket and I'm super fancy because somehow I'm a grown up!

5 Minutes

October was such an amazing month! I took last Thursday night and went through stacks of paper. Living at my parents I am in the bedroom I grew up in. I love this time, I love being there, I kind of drive my mom crazy when she sees my room. She points out that I didn't let the room look like that when I was with D. I point out that D was psychotic... that might be a little strong but he was definitely particular about how everything in the house had to be.

I left work early on Friday. The original plan had been a trip to GA to see my friend Vada but that has been postponed. I went for an oil change and then I took advantage of the GORGEOUS day and went for a run on the greenway. I got 6 miles in. It was so beautiful!!! Running this time of year is amazing! I went home and showered and got ready and met a friend of mine for dinner. She's in her sophomore year of college and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and hearing how everything is going!

Saturday morning I was up early and went to church where we were having the big fall festival. 2000 people came out from 11-3 on Saturday for the fun event. I love my church so much and this outreach is an amazing time to just love on people! I handed out candy and made a new friend at the same time. She and I were talking the whole time we handed out candy and I got to hear her story. Long story short the movie War Room could be written about her marriage. I can't explain how thankful I am to hear a story where they made it to the other side and they are stronger and more appreciative and more in love with each other. I pray for marriages all the time! She and I had a blast!

I left from handing out candy and went home to grab food and a nap and then I went to the Charlotte church to help out in nursery. I got an SOS call earlier in the week because the coordinator had no one because everyone was either taking their little ones trick or treating or going to a party. We ended up just having 2 little ones and the coordinator let me leave early which was nice because I was pretty tired even having had a nap!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service and 11 nursery. I took my friend Chelsea to lunch and we did a little shopping afterwards. Then she had to go study and I went to the gym and got 4 miles done.

Monday night I went back to the total conditioning extreme class. I swear it's SO HARD! I like it but this time I got 45 minutes in and wanted to quit, last time I was 30 minutes in, we're calling this an improvement!

Tuesday morning I dragged myself out of bed for a 3 mile run before work. I was meeting Tiff for dinner so I had to make sure that I got that done. She and I met and caught up with each other. I had a lot to fill her in on since it had been 2 weeks and she was sharing what's going on with her.

Yesterday I made it to abs and booty class. I'm somewhat sore today and that's not a bad thing. I did set the alarm for a run this morning but that didn't happen. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning. I have the best chiropractor in the world! My right arm had been going numb so I knew it was time to go see him!

This evening I have dinner plans. Tomorrow night I purposely kept the calendar free so I can have a night at home! Saturday I'll be headed to High Point to see my nephews. Sunday is church, lunch and then maybe a run. I'm trying to figure out the next few workouts. Next week is so insane I'm not sure that I'll be able to work out much at all. I'll just have to see what I can figure out!

So thankful that tomorrow is Friday!

5 Minutes

Friday night I went for a run with Jack. It was a beautiful evening and a great run! I love this time of year so much! Yes it makes me sad that we fall back because I prefer the extra hour but the scenery this time of year is amazing!!!

Saturday morning I had to be in class at 8am. I signed up for a NC conceal carry class because of the work I'm doing with human trafficking. This was something  felt would be good for me to have. I still have to apply for the permit at the sheriff's office and there are some changes happening in my life so I'm not sure what all is going to happen or if this will actually be followed through and I get the NC license.

I got done with class and drove down to meet my friend Tania at dinner. LOVED catching up with her! After dinner we went to Kohls and I purchased a few more Christmas gifts.

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and then I met my friend Erin for breakfast. The place we went was SO good! It's relatively new and they have basic breakfast but it was really good breakfast! Afterwards we went to the Kohls across the street and I picked up a few more Christmas things.

Sunday afternoon I was expecting a phone call and I anticipated I would be on the phone for a while. 2 hours and 45 minutes later I was saying goodbye. I cleaned my parents bathroom, did some laundry and didn't think about the fact that the gym closes early on Sunday. I got there at 7:35 and they close at 8 so I got 2 miles in. My original plan had been for 4-5 miles, next weekend!

Monday night I got my parents to go with me to a chick fil a fundraiser. I talk all the time about how small my world is. The little boy who the fundraiser was for is a cancer survivor. This past summer they discovered cancer behind his eye and he went to Philadelphia to have surgery. He's amazing! So this little boy is Patrice's cousin's nephew. Not only that but my mom taught his Dad in high school. The way my life is interconnected is really fun sometimes!

Last night I got home and it was so rainy and cold I crawled under the covers. I dragged myself out to go to the gym and I got 4 miles done. I have a 10K on Thanksgiving and a 10K December 5 and I would like good times for both so I need to amp up my base mileage and start working on speed and cross training.

5 Minutes

Inevitably these days I find myself a tiny bit overbooked… I don’t mean to but it happens. Last week I had a work call Tuesday at 6pm so I didn’t leave until after 7. Wednesday night I had a hair appointment after work. Thursday night I met up with a friend for dinner. I feel bad because she probably feels like I blow her off all the time and I don’t, I’m just crazy busy!

Friday night I was supposed to go see War Room with Patrice, Amy and A. I went a few weeks ago with my Mom and I LOVED it! I definitely was looking forward to seeing it again. I got a message from Patrice that she had to cancel and then a little while later I talked to Amy and she needed to cancel. Earlier that day I had gotten a message from Amy about Saturday. She wanted to know if I was available to spend the day with A. This is the first time since I left my ex-husband that she has asked me about helping like this although I’ve told her multiple times I am ALWAYS happy to help. I was so excited!

With Friday night’s plans cancelled I relaxed on the couch and gave Jack Banner the attention I know he’s been missing because I’ve been MIA this month. I was in bed early because I knew I was going to be up early. I made it to the gym Saturday morning and knocked out 3 miles. It was raining crazy hard and as I was leaving both feet were fully submerged in water. Fortunately this was after my run!

I got ready and went and picked A up from her mom. She and I had a movie date to see War Room just the 2 of us. A had been wanting to see it and for her it was super cool to see people that we knew and places that she is very familiar with. Both church and school were filmed in the movie along with Birkdale which is super close to her house.

After the movie I took the little fashionista to H&M. I let her pick out an outfit and she also picked out 2 shirts. They have the cutest kids clothes that and they are not crazy expensive! She enjoys looking at everything! I drove through Chick Fil A for her lunch and we went back to the house so she and Jack could see each other. He had to catch her up on everything! He was so excited to see her! She watched Life in the Barbie dream house and then it was time to take her back to her Mom.

I dropped her off at the store where her mom works, and oohed and aahed over the fabulous jewelry and beads, I love that store so much!!! Then I hopped in my car to drive back to South Charlotte because I had gotten another phone call Friday from the nursery coordinator at the Charlotte church asking if there was any way I could help. I had planned to actually attend the Saturday night service but I knew that the nursery coordinator really needed my help. Tiff was ok with it so I helped out with the toddlers on Saturday night. It was crazy busy and I was so tired by the time it was over! I met Tiff for dinner afterwards to catch up with her.

Sunday (yesterday) I had the 8 prayer service, I had 9 nursery and then the 11 service and then I met with my small group girls for lunch. I had 4 babies in nursery by myself. They did bring in an 8 year old to help me and as much as an 8 year old boy can be helpful he was and I was truly thankful for the extra set of hands! All 4 of the babies did so great so it worked out, it’s just a lot to have 4 without another adult!

After lunch I went home and fell asleep! It’s crazy how exhausting nursery is!

I did get some chores done and I gave Jack more quality attention. I’m so thankful I live with my parents and I know that Jack never lacks for love! It’s been awesome living with them!

This week is full but I have tried to keep it from being overbooked! I just want to make sure that I don’t feel exhausted going into the weekend. I have Patrice’s sister’s wedding to go to this weekend and I am so excited!

Girls 2015 Beach Reunion Recap

When I got home from work Wednesday my protein powder had arrived, I do love amazon prime so much!!! I finally made it to the gym Wednesday evening, I ran 4 miles. Then I went to the grocery store and bought Greek yogurt, almond milk, frozen fruit and frozen spinach. 

Thursday I had a shake for breakfast that I made in the blender. I learned that trying to break apart frozen spinach is not possible. I used a banana, peanut butter powder, protein powder, spinach and dark chocolate almond milk. It wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had either.

Lunch time on Thursday I went to Kohls and I bought a bullet blender, so far not impressed at all. It doesn’t seem to be able to handle ice and I end up with huge ice chunks. However Thursday’s lunch time shake was better than breakfast. I did have popcorn (healthy version) and a handful of nuts in addition to the shakes. Dinner time Margs was in town so we went to Macado’s I love that place so much! Service is typically not awesome but the food is consistent. I didn’t eat the bread, but I did eat the homemade potato chips.

Friday morning I made a shake before we left. We were on the road by 7:45 for Wilmington. We met our friend Christina through Children of the American Revolution. We travelled together on national tour during the summers of 1996 and 1997 and I travelled on tour 1998 with Christina but Margs didn’t travel that summer.

We met Christina at her house. I love how as much time has gone by my friends are still my friends. It’s like no time has gone by at all, except now they have kids and husbands and houses and they have to pay bills and stuff like that. We followed Christina to a place called Flaming Amy’s. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! If you are in Wilmington, NC this is a must visit!!! The food is AMAZING!!! I want to go back just to eat there again! It’s on the same level as my favorite place here in Charlotte, Cabo Fish Taco.

We spent about 2 hours talking before we had to say goodbye. Then we drove on in to Carolina Beach. This trip was planned several months ago. Brandy and Michelle lived next door to me freshman year at App. Margs lived on the 4^th floor but she often visited my room and got to know Brandy and Michelle. Having lunch with Christina was a bonus that we were able to get scheduled!

We found our little place that was across the street from the beach. We couldn’t check in until 4 so we made a visit to the ABC store (in NC you can only buy liquor from ABC stores) and then went to the grocery store. By this time it was almost 4 so we went back to the house and started unloading. 

Michelle arrived with her adorable little miniature schnauzer whose name is Max. He’s a year old and I LOVED him!!! Brandy arrived a little while later. She jumped in the shower, Margs and I went to the store and picked up a few more things and then we all walked down to dinner.

Our first night we went to a place called Sea Witch. We decided to share a bunch of appetizers. They had a band that started playing and they were not good so we paid up and walked down to Fat Pelican. Fat Pelican is this super fun little dive bar. They only sell beer and wine, the bar is old, the floors are a mix of cobblestone and sand. It’s super popular and we enjoyed sitting outside talking to each other!

Saturday morning I went for a run. It was so gorgeous out! I got back and took a shower and Brandy and I went to the store for food and to pick up beach chairs. When we got back Brandy made sandwiches for everyone and we loaded up the cooler and walked across the street to the beach. I made the comment on our way to the ocean, I love my life!!! We were all so happy to see each other and we all were having the absolute best time!!! We had a picture perfect NC beach day!!! There is just something so amazing about the beach! After sitting for a while I got up and took a walk. I can’t be on the beach and not take a walk to soak it all in!

At about 2:30 Margs and I agreed we would go in at 3. We knew we needed to get out of the sun. Unfortunately for me I neglected to use sunscreen on my legs. I forgot the rule at the beach it doesn’t matter that your legs never get sun you will get burned at the beach.

I took a shower and got dressed for dinner. We went to a place called Ocean Grill. The food was ok but sitting out on the deck and looking at the ocean and having the wind in our hair was amazing!!! We went back to the house and I had to change. I had worn pants and I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I put on a pair of shorts and we made our way back to the Sea Witch. The band playing Saturday night was way better! Margs and I even went down and danced for a few songs.

Unfortunately the sun burn was getting progressively worse. I went to bed Saturday night and I had to get up a few times because I did stay very well hydrated but OH MY GOSH pain like no other!!! I literally would have crawled but I knew the floors were too sandy and that would be worse. I would sit up, wait a minute, stand up, wait a minute, hold on to things as I made my way the few steps and then repeat. By the time I was up for good Sunday morning I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it because my legs were swollen and walking was a challenge. I googled sun poisoning and followed the recommendation for ibuprofen.

Margs and I said good bye to Brandy and Michelle. We definitely want to try and make this a yearly thing! We left for Charlotte around 9:30. We stopped for lunch half way. She dropped me off and headed back to SC. I spent the rest of yesterday alternating with vinegar compresses and coconut oil. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take my skin to recover!

I maxed out the ibuprofen dosage earlier in the day so before I went to bed I took acetaminophen, I had to, I can’t explain the level of pain!!! The shower last night was AWFUL!!! I feel like the world’s biggest wimp but this burn is no joke!!!

My overall eating at the beach was reasonable. I was conscientious without being obnoxious. I ordered a veggie burrito at Amy’s and it was incredible! Friday night appetizers we ordered tuna nachos as one of our apps and that one was reasonable. Saturday’s sandwich was turkey on whole grain. Saturday night I had fish tacos that had blackened fish. I did order a crispy artichoke heart appetizer that we all shared but 4 of us shared it so we got 2 pieces each. Yesterday I did have a cheat day, including a brownie. I was in such misery I just didn’t care.

Today I’ve had shakes (or smoothies might be the better description) for breakfast and lunch. Working out is going to be off the table for several days at least!

5 Minutes

I tried on my formal dress last night to make sure the shoes I thought would work actually worked, they do. I about had a moment though. I’m not sure what was going on but my mom was struggling to get the dress zipped. I haven’t gained any weight (haven’t lost any either) so I don’t know why it was such a challenge last night. Regardless, it still fits, the shoes work, and in a week and 2 days I’ll be boarding the plane for FL!

Last week wasn’t as crazy busy and even the weekend which was decidedly over booked at the beginning of the week definitely eased up by the end of the week. I had a 10K Saturday morning. I pushed super hard to the point where the final half mile of the race I couldn’t run the last hill. The entire course is fairly “hilly” and the final mile has an uphill portion that I forget about until the moment I’m facing it and hating life and wondering why I keep doing this to myself!

I was supposed to go down to one of the farms to go shooting with a friend of mine but it had been so rainy we postponed that. I was supposed to take my friend Nicole out to dinner but she was sick so that got cancelled. I rarely go see movies but War Room was on a short list of movies I really really wanted to see! I asked my Mom if she wanted to go with me and we had a movie date on Saturday afternoon.

Sunday I went to the 8 prayer service, the 9 service and I had the 1 year old nursery during the 11. We had 8 babies, it was a little crazy at times! We had 2 of the older girls from the kid church (they were 11 or 12 I’m guessing) come in to help us. OK so I’ve been in nursery since I was at least 11 and keeping nursery on my own since I was 12. I was shocked (and panicked honestly) when one of the girls picked up a toddler underneath her rear end. I said please support her back she could easily fall backwards. These 2 just really didn’t seem to be able to understand how to help or what was needed and I was surprised. Next time I know of a young lady who is really good and I’ll be requesting that they go bring her back.

After nursery I met one of my small group girls for lunch to catch up with her. Then after I dropped her off at home I went home and fell asleep. Nursery is exhausting!!!

Last night I got to have dinner with the lady who was filling in at my previous company while they were looking to replace the operations director position. I always liked her and once I handed in my notice I was like now we can finally go to dinner. It was awesome to catch up with her! She and I are the same age. I’m not sure how often she’ll be back to NC since they found a replacement but I’m glad we got to have dinner last night!

This week I’m so excited! Thursday night Margs comes to town and Friday morning we are driving to the beach. My freshman year of college there were 2 girls who lived beside me. We’ve all stayed in touch but it’s been a really long time since we’ve seen each other. So this weekend we are having a reunion at the beach! I found an awesome deal through Airbnb and booked the place several months ago. It’s finally here!

I know I said I wasn’t going to do the online dating thing, and I wholeheartedly meant it. I’m not going to lie I’ve contemplated it several times over recently. The truth is for the next 8 weeks my life is way too crazy and insanely busy to try and add anything else to the mix. I also recognize and understand that I’ve only been officially divorced since April. I’ve had dates that have been fun and awesome and have made me realize that I don’t want to rule out dating but the flip-side of this is I’m really and truly happy right where I am.

I think I’ll give myself a lot more time to just enjoy where I am. Once I’ve passed the year anniversary of my divorce if I’m not already dating someone and haven’t dated anyone for a while I might have to reconsider my no online dating stance…. We’ll see. I know I have to be careful about trying to force my own solutions and my time line. I think I’ve realized that I need to stop making these kinds of “rules or decisions” for myself and allow for flexibility and re-considerations.

work, working out, travel

I have the time to sit down and write and I have 3 posts circulating in my head. One post for all my thoughts would be way too much!

The Friday after I wrote I picked up my friend Chelsea on Friday afternoon. I met her through my friend Paula. Chelsea was flying in to NC this past spring to go to the Downtown Abbey thing at The Biltmore. Paula couldn't pick her up so I agreed to meet her and take her to dinner until Paula could get there.

Chels is amazing and of course I fell in love with her and we had a fantastic time at dinner. Her visit to NC was just what she needed and when she returned back to college (she was here during spring break) she applied to UNC Charlotte and was accepted. She moved to campus in August and has started her junior year there.

I wanted her to see Southpark area because I love it and when you are in University area it's easy to stay there and never venture out and that's not what I wanted for her. So I gave her several different options and she picked one and I picked her up and we hung out and caught up with each other.

I love that I'm able to pick her up, take her to dinner, hang out, and it not be a major battle because my spouse is a huge jerk about it. When my friend Lisa lived in Charlotte I didn't see her nearly as often as I would have liked because I was married to someone who made life ridiculously difficult! Ugh!

Saturday morning I went to Bikini Bootcamp and then went home and got ready and Mom and I went to High Point to see the boys. They are just so precious and they change so fast and it was awesome to spend a few hours with them!

Saturday evening we met with friends at Captain Steve's, sometimes there is just no better place to be on a Saturday then Captain Steve's!

Sunday I had the 8 prayer service, 9 service, 11 nursery. I was in the 1 year old room with my friend Nancy and I loved catching up with her! I love that my church is so home to me that I can walk in and see all these people that I know and yet I'm still good with the fact that I sit alone during the service most of the time.

After church I ran home for a few minutes to take Jack out. Then I had a party with the organization I volunteer with. After the party I met an old friend of mine for dinner. She's another friend who I have known since church nursery days. She and I haven't stayed in contact over the years like Patrice and I have but we've reconnected over the past few years and she's a friend who I really love so much and I love what her story is, she's another example of God absolutely making something so broken into a completely new beautiful story.

Last week at work I felt more acclimated. I think I'm starting to understand more. I'm definitely excited about what we do! I think I pretty much have the coolest job ever now and I'm thrilled!

Monday night I met my friend at the gym for a run. Tuesday morning I got up early and went to the gym to do strength training. Wednesday morning I was going to get up to go run but I hurt and I didn't feel up to it. So instead I slept in and I took Jack for a walk that evening.

Thursday morning I did get up and go to the gym for a run. Then Thursday evening that allowed me to pack, mostly. I was leaving to visit my friend Jess on Friday morning.

After my oil change I hit the highway and made my way for a weekend visit.

Adjusting and Acclimating

This week has been interesting! Monday afternoon I went to a Captives 101 class for my new job. After the class there was a cocktail hour. I met a lot of people and explained that I had been with my company for a week. Mingling is never something I'm great at but I sucked it up and acted like a grown up.

Tuesday morning I woke up early and got a 4 mile run in. I ran a 10K last Saturday and it was hilly and my time was not all that stellar. I have another 10K September 12 so I'm trying to work on my running between now and then.

Tuesday for the rest of the day I was in meetings for the NC Captives Association conference. I am really really excited for my new job! It's so outside the box and fascinating! Tuesday after the meetings there was a pig pickin. The whole pig was there. I like meat a lot but every time I see the animals in trucks, or like I did for this event I contemplate how I could give up meat. It bothers me! I left the evening festivities and swung by the shopping center that has an Off Broadway, Marshalls and Old Navy. I had an idea in my head for my date the next night. I found 2 dresses at Marshalls that I LOVE! Thank you birthday gift cards! Then at ON I found my cute date outfit. At Off Broadway I found my shoes. I  paid way too much for Keds but they work with my outfit and I justify it by the fact that I'll wear them with jeans.

Then as I was headed home I found out that my date wasn't going to happen because legitimate reasons came up. I was disappointed but I have learned that when I keep my focus where it's supposed to be, not on the circumstances, I stay in a much better frame of mind!

I attended the final morning session of the conference. I learned quite a bit about cyber liability. It's quite unnerving! I went to lunch with 2 of my new coworkers. I really like my office it's a very cohesive group!

Last night I made it to abs and booty class at Sassy Girl, which I'm definitely feeling today!

This morning I was up and at the gym and I got my 3 miles in. I went to Dunkin Donuts after my run for an extra large coffee. I was trying to get ready and I kept sweating, coffee after that run might not have been the best idea. I got a fan from the bedroom and that helped! I still had time to go to SC for gas before I had to be at work. I'm getting used to the new time. I thought I would really struggle having to stay until 5 but so far it hasn't been too bad. I met a group of my friends/former coworkers for lunch and caught up with them.

I had a chiropractor appointment after work, I needed it!!! This weekend is the usually run run run. I am learning how to just keep moving. I grab naps when I can!

5 minutes

Last Monday I started my new job. I am so excited for this new opportunity! The first week was very smooth and interesting and I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

I was able to get a 4 mile run in on Monday night. Tuesday I went to a strength training class. Wednesday morning I got up early and got a 3 mile run in at the gym. Wednesday evening I went to abs and booty class. Thursday morning I woke up and thought it might not have been the best idea to do two strength training classes back to back the week of a 10K...

Thursday night I had a date. We went to dinner and went bowling and I haven't laughed that much in ages! We played 3 games and I lost pitifully the first 2 but I won the 3rd! It was such a good time! After we finished bowling we went and got coffee and sat outside and talked for a long time!

Friday morning I got up early and cleaned my bathroom and vacuumed and then headed to Boone for the day. I visited with Donna at the store. I found a gorgeous ballgown for my upcoming Florida trip. I had lunch and then said goodbye.

Friday night we had friends over to the house and ate burrito casserole and played mexican train. It was such a fun night!

Saturday morning I had a 10K race and it was crazy hilly! I enjoyed the route, it's always fun to run familiar streets! I purposely didn't plan anything for Saturday day. I just wanted to relax and rest! I did clean my parent's bathroom. Before the race I took Jack over to my friend Nicole's house to spend the day. I'm going to a wedding in October and I had to find someone who could keep him because my parents are going to the same wedding.

I picked Nicole up at 6 and we went out for girl's night. My friends Amy and Anita joined us and we had an absolute blast!!! We stayed out way too late but it was totally worth it!!! I dropped Nicole off and picked Jack up and we headed home.

This morning I had the prayer service at 8, church at 9 and nursery at 11. We had 3 babies and I had the best time!!! I love nursery so much!!! I came home and watched Dirty Dancing. Last week we opted out of the movie since it was so far to drive, and I really wanted to just talk to my friends. I'm glad I watched it today though, it was fun to recognize the places in the movie!

This week I have to attend a conference for work which means late nights both Monday and Tuesday. I'm hoping to get up and get a gym visit in before I have to be at work. We'll see how it goes.

working out, hanging out, letting go, moving forward

Last Monday night I got a run in. Tuesday night I went to circuit class. Wednesday night I was supposed to run but it didn't happen. Thursday night I went to chair fit. Friday night I tried to run with Jack. That stinker ran to a point and then parked his furry little bottom on the ground and refused to go further until I turned him around. Saturday morning I had bootcamp. So I mostly got back on track for working out.

Saturday after boot camp I drove up to High Point to meet my newest adorable nephew. He's perfect!

I got A after church yesterday and spent several hours with her. I went to a class on Friday and while I was in class I got a text from the girl telling me how much she missed me and that she wanted to see me. I called her later that afternoon and we figured out that she could hang out with me Sunday. So we played pick up sticks, uno, skipbo, she watched Barbie Dream house on netflix. Jack Banner was thrilled to see her! After a few hours at the house she was getting restless so we hopped in the car and drove to Southpark. The American Girl Doll store is just outside of Macy's. We made our way up, she got distracted by the shoes in Macy's.

She enjoyed the American Girl store but she was way more interested in the animals than the dolls themselves. I took her to H&M which is across from the AG store and I think she had more fun in there looking at the clothes and shoes. After we finished up there we went and got her a cookie and found a perfect spot to watch the fountain. We wandered through a jewelry store and oohed and aahhed over the sparkly stuff and then made our way to Gap kids. By that time we had to leave to get her home.

This time around was way easier than when I had her for several hours last January. I miss her. I adore her. I think about her all the time. I didn't cry this time, it's still bittersweet, but I know that when she's ready to see me again she'll let us know and we'll get it figured out. Her mom and I had a conversation with her that she is free to talk about her Dad and she doesn't have to not talk about him around me. We told her how much we love her and I explained that I send her cards because I can't see her all the time anymore. She's 6 1/2 but I swear she's always been such an old soul. She'll do things that remind you just how little she still is but because she looks and acts so much older so much of the time it's hard to remember she's just a little girl.

The subject of her Dad is one that I have so many mixed emotions. So much was resolved when I went on my HQ but because I have chosen to remain a part of A's life there are things that come up and I have to remind myself that it's no longer my battle to fight. I might want to send an email or write an open letter detailing exactly my thoughts, and opinions, but instead I'm going to pray. I don't get to judge although sometimes I get downright judgmental because OH MY GOSH HOW CAN YOU BE SO (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) (INSERT ADJECTIVE) X INFINITY...... Then I realize that I actually married this person and that makes me start reflecting on what do I still have to work on. Because while I do have strong feelings regarding his failures regarding his child I have to remember to take those prayers to the Father and let God be God.I also have to acknowledge that long before him I was making bad choices and let's make sure that I don't repeat my own bad choices and mistakes.

This week my working out is going to be hit or miss for sure. I am supposed to have dinner with my sponsor tomorrow night. I should be able to get a workout in on Wednesday night. Thursday night I have church. Friday night I have a concert. Saturday morning I have a race. Saturday afternoon I have a shower. Sunday I have Patrice's baby W's baptism and I'm pretty sure I'm Godmother and then we'll have a party after that.  I think the following week is likely just as crazy. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the enormous blessings in my life!

week in review and moving forward

The beginning of the last week of July, wow! Last Wednesday night I had my final class of 3 in a series that was on reading the Bible. Part of the homework included reading 1st and 2nd Timothy. I went into class Wednesday and said to the Pastor teaching, ummm, Timothy??? She is the pastor who has walked my journey with me. Along with her close friend, who has been the counselor I have worked with for the past year and a half. She told me that I needed to talk to her (the counselor) about it. I was told to read Ten Lies the Church Tells Women by J Lee Grady. So I bought it, and I read it, and oh my gosh, POWERFUL!

I'm so glad I read it! The 10th lie deals with abuse. Jess had sent me an article a while back that detailed the context of the Malachi verse that states that God hates divorce. I had already known before I read that article that while God hates divorce He also hates several other things and I knew that I was submitting to the spiritual leadership in my life. So while I've been pretty good with my decision this book dealt with other factors and I was just so glad I read it! I appreciated the fact that the author addresses the lie that women have to be married in order to be complete according to what most churches teach and that is just simply not the case. I could go on but I'll just say it's definitely worth the read!

Thursday morning my brother and SIL had the baby and I am super excited! My parents are currently adoring the time with them!

Thursday night I finally got to meet up with my friend who I used to be her underwriting assistant and then I moved to a different department and now she has moved to a different company. I love her so much! She's actually the one who set me up with the guy who was my first after divorce date guy. She and I caught up with each other at Dresslers restaurant in Midtown. Oh my goodness the food was so good! It was my first time there, it's one of her favorite restaurants. I ordered a chopped salad and seared tuna, oh so good! She did ask me what happened with the guy and I explained that he just fell off the face of the earth but that I knew he traveled and that he has a lot going on. She said don't be surprised if I hear from him. Apparently they had a whole conversation at work about me and how amazing I am and he said he just felt like too much time had gone by to contact me. She told him I'm not like that.

If he does contact me again, awesome! I like him tremendously! But I'm not holding my breath. I am crazy busy and I have my own life. I still believe when someone is truly into you they make much more of an effort to be in contact with you. For this guy he's coming out of a really bad marriage, his divorce finalized at the same time as mine. I completely understand he's just not in a place where he's looking for a relationship. I totally understand! For me the 2 dates that we had allowed me to realize that I actually am ready to date and enjoy meeting new people. However since I am not online the only way I'm going to meet someone is if God puts him directly in my path. This is fine with me. My plan is to chase God as hard as I can and if a guy can keep up then he can run with me.

Friday after work I had an interview. I can't provide a whole lot of detail at this point. I've been praying for new opportunities and new doors to open and I'm hopeful so we will see what happens. I believe I have a strong chance but I have already prayed if it's not the right door then God will close it.

Saturday I finally got back to a workout. I went to boot camp, and it kicked my butt and it was awesome! I spent the rest of the day hanging out at home and it was so awesome! I didn't tell anyone I was free, I didn't make any offers to do anything with anyone, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time!

This morning the power went out at church right before the 8am prayers service began. It was really special how we all came up to the front and had the  prayer service anyways. Then the 9 service began by candlelight and right before the sermon the power came back on.

I had my last small group meeting with my girls and it was such a special time! I'm so thankful for the opportunity that I had to lead the group I led!

This evening I plugged in my digital picture frame. The frame had been unplugged for a few weeks because I had moved it and then moved it again and just hadn't plugged it in. There are tons of pictures of A on there. The other night I came across a picture of her and I when we were at my parents and she was opening her presents from them in 2011. I see these pictures and quite honestly I get a mixture of emotions. I wouldn't change any of these past few years. I'm thankful that they have brought me to where I am. Saying that I see the pictures and I get mad that D was such a liar and that all the things I envisioned when I married him shattered before my eyes before our first week of marriage was over.

At the beginning of each month I send A a card to tell her that I'm thinking of her, that I love her, and I include a scripture verse. I promised when I married her Dad that I would love her like she was mine and I did that, and I still love her, and quite honestly I still have moments when it hits me like a ton of bricks that I won't be there to see her grow up. Regardless of the fact that I stay in touch it's not the same as when I had her every weekend. She was never mine to begin with, and there were challenges but one of the reasons I fought so very hard to make my marriage work was for her.

Her mom sent me a picture of her the other week and she's started losing teeth and she's 6 1/2 so she totally looks like a big kid now and not like the little girl whose life I was such a big part of. I wanted to be around for this part, and the next part and watching her graduate high school and there's still a part of me that hurts knowing that I am not. I don't ever doubt my decision. At the end of the day she can never believe it would ever be acceptable for anyone to talk to her the way her Dad talked to me. She was given way more information from her Dad then can ever be considered acceptable for a 5/6 year old to handle. I have to remember that regardless of how bad the situation may be God can and will redeem and restore.

It's hard to let go of all this and yet I keep moving forward. My life looks absolutely nothing like how I thought it would and yet when I look at how God is moving and how He has worked all things for His good I'm so thankful!

Meetings, Calendar, Busy, Busy, Acceptance

The month is rapidly moving towards it's end. The Friday after the date that didn't happen I had the most amazing day! God totally moved the details so that I was able to have meetings with the organization that I'm working with that is involved in working with women who have been trafficked and the director of the Hope Center at my church and then after that meeting we had a meeting with an amazing place that among other programs offers equine therapy.

The day was just so full of God's details that I think we were all blown away! It was incredible to talk and connect people and events and hear what God is doing and think, wow! To know that He is so good and faithful and able and to be reminded to never ever put Him in a box!

After the meetings I drove home and threw clothes in a bag and drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. They are now expecting my newest nephew to arrive any day now. My SIL had requested that I come up for one last visit before the new baby and of course I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity!

We had a really good time! My SIL and I stayed up way too late watching Say Yes to the Dress. I still love all things wedding! I don't ever have to have a wedding but I do love all the details and planning for other people!

Saturday my brother and I took my nephew to Chick Fil A and then the park. Little H is outside every chance he gets! I left around 2 to head home and get ready for dinner with my friend Karen. It's hard to believe that we've now been friends for 11 years. We met at Peculiar Rabbit in Plaza Midwood area.

I used to frequent the neighborhood and I never had trouble finding parking. We were meeting for dinner at 6 and there was no parking to be had. I paid for a spot in order to avoid a ticket, being booted or towed. I figure $5 is a small price to pay. Sometimes living in a city that is so rapidly growing has those moments when I just shake my head. Progress is all well and good but it comes with aggravations as well. Especially when you have to drive everywhere and deal with traffic and parking.

We had an amazing dinner! I had not been there and I really enjoyed the shrimp tacos, they were an appetizer but as an entree it worked perfectly too!

That Sunday after church I met my friend Tiff for lunch. We hadn't caught up with each other in several weeks so it was awesome to see her! I feel beyond blessed to have friendships that have lasted for such a long time!

I fit a workout in before going home and getting ready for Patrice's Dad's surprise retirement party. I had THE BEST time at the party! It's always fun to get to catch up with people at a party like this. Patrice and I have literally grown up with each other since church nursery so many of the people who have watched us grow up were there. She and I shared a plate since we are both doing the no sweets and I'm doing the no white bread (she doesn't eat white bread regardless). We had plenty to eat and I even fed L his piece of cake.

This month schedule wise has been full! Monday night I did my volunteering, including a run where we got caught in the pouring down rain and had to be rescued. It's one of those awesome summer night memories and it was an adventure!

Right before we went for the run I had 2 missed calls a VM and a text message from D. There was a family emergency and he was requesting prayer. I did text his parents to express that I was praying. The truth is he does not need to be contacting me when there are emergencies. I understand that perhaps he wanted me to know, and I understand that prayer was needed, but what he fails to realize and understand is that I do not want him in my life in any way shape or form. I pray for him as regards his daughter. I have thought about it since last week and the truth of the matter is because of the way that he operated during our entire separation and divorce I learned more about him than in the entirety of our marriage. God rescued me and brought me out and protected me and has healed me from the wounds. When D contacts me I have to work to let it go, give it to God, and remember that I have been set free and I choose to continue to walk in the freedom that I've been given.

Tuesday I went to a class called life barre, toning and conditioning I like circuit better but since I had just gone to the chiropractor I need a class that was less impact.

Wednesday I had my Bible class at church. The class has been interesting and I'm thankful that I'm taking it but I seem to find myself doing the homework in lump reading rather than daily.

Thursday I had my 2nd chiropractor appointment of the week. It worked out that he had an availability for Thursday. Tuesday night we worked on my low back, Thursday we worked on the fact that my arm was going numb. My job definitely lends itself to way too much sitting and I have to be more intentional about getting up and moving around and stretching.After my appointment I went to the women's event at church.

The event was so awesome! I know that I am so blessed by the women's ministry at church!

Last Friday July 17 marked one year free from bulimia. That was such a huge, enormous milestone for me! I never believed that I would truly be set free and yet God totally and completely broke that hold. Yes I've had to choose to continue to walk in my freedom but He absolutely gave me the freedom!

Friday after work I drove down to SC. I hadn't seen my friend Margs and her family since February and it was a long overdue visit! She and I went for a walk Friday night that was awesome! Saturday morning I was up early and knocked out a 6 mile run on the trail in her neighborhood. Then we spent time at the pool. Her neighborhood has a front pool and a back pool. We went to the back pool and we had the whole area to ourselves for at least an hour and a half, it was fantastic!

We went to lunch and then I headed back to Charlotte. While I was driving home my other Margaret contacted me. She and her boyfriend made an impromptu drive to Charlotte to visit Ikea so we made dinner plans. We went to an old favorite of mine, Alexander Michaels. The food there is so amazing! Their friend Anita met us and she was awesome! It was such a fun evening!

Sunday morning I went to the 8 prayer service, I had nursery during the 9 service in the 2 year old room and then I went to the 11 service. Staying awake was a little bit challenging up until the object lesson that the pastor did. It was effective and it also woke me up, fortunately!

The rest of my Sunday I relaxed at home. I needed it! I have been so much on the go!

Last night I did my volunteering and then my friend gave me an interval routine that we did on the treadmills at her gym. Kicked my booty! I loved it!

I got home from work today and fell asleep. I didn't make it to the gym and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I've not heard from the guy I was supposed to have had the date with. I loved how the story unfolded and I was truly excited to go have coffee and dinner and talk further. Perhaps he will contact me but I am honestly not holding my breath. I just don't think it's going to happen.

When situations like last week with D come up and leave me unsettled, when the guy never contacts me again like what happened this past spring, when the date falls through and the plans change, these are the times when I struggle a little bit. I question my choices. I question if I can really handle the statement if God doesn't bring anyone into my life can I really accept it. The answer is yes I can. This is not because I'm awesome and strong and I don't need anyone. The reason that I can is because whatever path God has for me He has given me everything I need to walk that path and that calling. I choose to say yes to whatever He has for me, however it might look.

I'm watching the world around me and what's happening and I'm aware like never before that there are events happening that I never believed I would see in my lifetime. I had a friend post recently about how she's reading in the Old Testament and how there is nothing new that is happening now that hasn't happened before and we are called to be God hands and feet to those around us.

I fully and completely agree that I am called to be God's hands and feet to those around me! I also understand that prophecy has been and is being fulfilled. I recognize a physical pain in my heart over my friends and family who are not walking with the Lord. I've cried tears for those who blatantly deny God. Jesus died so that we would never have to be separated from the great love of the Father. There is no greater love then the cross. So knowing that people are outright rejecting this hope and promise of life is causing me to hurt.

I've talked to my coworker friend and shared the hurting. I recognize that nothing I say will change it. But by living my life holy and set apart, not because I'm awesome but because I recognize much God has done for me, and by sharing about what God is doing in every aspect of my life, my true hope is that I will be able to be the light, and reflect Jesus to all those who I come in contact with.

The world is spiraling faster and faster into the chaos and disorder and I know that this is only the beginning. I also know that Jesus came and gave His life so that everyone can have the gift of salvation. So as someone who is trying to learn to be more Christlike my hope is that others will be drawn to Him because of the Him they see in me!

The rest of this week is typically busy! Unfortunately it won't be busy with workouts since I have something going on every night for the rest of the week but again I refuse to feel guilty for not going to the gym tonight! I needed the nap! I needed the time to sort my thoughts!

5 minutes

Last Thursday night I had the opportunity to have dinner with one of the ladies who was part of the staff for my Heartquest event. It was so nice having the opportunity to get to know her a little bit better.

I left from her house and went to the Awakened event at church. I don't think it's coincidence or an accident that the day I filed for divorce on February 5 there was an awakened event and the day that my anniversary would have fallen there was an Awakened event. It was an incredible night and being able to stand and fight for other women who are going through struggles in the valley, just incredible!!!

Last Friday night I went to the gym to run. It's hot enough right now that it's not a good idea to run outside. So I utilize the treadmill and make it speed training. Saturday I went to bikini bootcamp and then out to lunch with a friend of mine to a mexican place. I tried the coconut margarita, delicious!

Saturday afternoon I went with my mom to Charming Charlies I needed jewelry for my dress for a formal banquet. I found the bracelet, earrings, necklace, clutch and a pair of earrings for my mom for $32. Except for the earrings everything was on clearance. I love that place!!!

Sunday was church, church and then a nap! I went to an Airbonne party at Tiffany's. I really really do love the product but it's crazy expensive and I can use less expensive options. I did get another run in on Sunday evening!

Monday I went to chair fit, it was CRAZY hot! It was a good workout but I was definitely disgusting afterwards.

Tuesday night was the opening session of the National Society Children of the American Revolution Southeastern  Regional meeting. I hadn't been to a SE regional since 2005. It was so much fun to watch the skits and see the members interacting! I had to be at work yesterday morning so I missed the morning session of the meeting.

I left work yesterday in order to go home and get ready for the formal banquet that was last night. I had such a good time catching up with old friends!

I got both my dresses from the Dillards clearance rack. I loved them both and I know I'll be able to wear the Tuesday night dress many times over. The formal dress hopefully I'll have another fun event to wear it to, but it's likely I will just pass it along the next time I have a friend who has a formal event and they need a dress.

I'm home from work today because I knew I would be out really late last night and I had no desire to wake up at 4:45 when I knew I would be going to bed after midnight. Originally my plan had been to go down to the lake house but that got changed because as always life is crazy busy!!!

Mishmash

I was reminded this past Saturday that I don't miss certain parts of restaurant hostessing. The insanity of Valentines is definitely something I don't miss!

Today is the 4th anniversary of my first date with D. I still remember what I wore, where we met, the fact that he was late… We sat and talked and I found him fascinating. Oh if I had had a way of looking into the future! I can't keep playing this game with myself. It's done. No matter what I understand now I can't go back and change any of it.I also wouldn't because I wouldn't be where I am today. I just want to go back and shake the me of 4 years ago. I want to tell her to figure out herself without that driving need to get married in order to figure out her life. 

Friday night was a low key evening in. I cleaned bathrooms and hung out with Jack. Friday was the 6th anniversary of when I brought Jack home. The years have flown! He has been the absolute best valentine's present to myself ever!!!

Saturday morning I went to bikini bootcamp at sassy girl. It's a tough hour! Then I got ready and Mom and I drove to High Point to see my brother and SIL. We stayed with my nephew while they went on a lunch date. On our way up I sent an email to my girls cancelling the party on the 21st.

I had originally said I didn't want to do a party and the closer I was getting to the party the more I still didn't want to have the party. So I let everyone know we'll do something fun this summer because I love them all but we're not going to have the party next Saturday. I have done my best to make sure that throughout this process I have stayed very much in God's word and listened for His voice, I knew in my spirit that having the party would not be honoring to all that He has done for me. From the beginning when things were so horrible to when I left to now my only desire is that my actions honor the Lord.

This divorce was necessary. I have complete peace about the decision. I just can't celebrate because in all honesty I would much rather have seen a real change in D, a true change, and been able to share a story of a marriage that was restored. Every step of the way I prayed for wisdom and discernment. I wanted that story of a miracle but I knew that I had heard all of his promises before. I knew from listening and observing that he hadn't changed. Every time I started to question if I was making the right choices God allowed me to see the truth about D. The FB posts on D's page provided way more information then he realized he was putting out there.

Yesterday morning I ran 11 miles on the treadmill. It was way too cold to run outside! I went home and got ready and I went to the 11 service at church. I had a conversation with a couple after the service. The inevitable question has become, well how is D doing? I no longer have to steel myself not to cringe and I keep it simple. I state that he's doing really well, he has a girlfriend and he's really happy. I explain that I don't really talk to him but from what I understand everything is great. Then the next question seems to be am I seeing anyone. To which I very nicely answer no that's not been my focus. Then the statement well I'm sure there is someone just for you to which I answer that I'm happy to just continue focusing on the Lord and whatever His plan is. Then I find a way to change the subject.

I no longer have to pretend that the question about D doesn't bother me, because it doesn't. The chapter is closed, he's moved on, and I'm no longer fighting for a marriage that was progressively worse rather than better.

I can easily forget the bad stuff most days. I'm glad that I wrote throughout my marriage about what was going on. I can see the patterns. I was able to identify the empty promises. I was able to prepare and implement a strategy that allowed me to move everything out and I am thankful to still be with my parents. I think about the trips that we took and had planned and then I remind myself that those trips were great but the reality of my life was not good. I am at an odd sort of crossroads in my life. I know the path that I am choosing and yet the other path is still wide open and waiting on my to just cross over.

That other path is the path that offers partying and online dating and returning to all my old patterns. For so long I pursued my own way and it's odd to suddenly be on a new path and yet still so easily able to see the other road. I haven't thrown up since July. That is also a part of my old patterns. I have had moments and times when there has been temptation, when there have been triggers. I've simply chosen to continue to walk in the freedom that I walked into last July when the word was spoken and I physically felt the breaking of the hold of that on my life. 

I blocked D on FB the Monday before I filed only to unblock him again that Saturday. I realized that I needed to have friends hold me accountable so I reached out to Tiff and Patrice and I explained that I had blocked him only to unblock him and that come Monday I would be re-blocking him and to please help me break this pattern of checking his FB by holding me accountable. Patrice made an excellent point about it. She said you know that God brought you out and set you free, much like he did with the ED. You have to choose to walk in the freedom of not checking D's page. You have to leave him to God and you have to walk in the knowledge that you are right where you are supposed to be.

This is hard. This is so hard. I am daily choosing where my focus is. I want to internet stalk his GF. I want to create scenarios. I want to dwell on all this so much. Days like today when it's a significant calendar day in our brief relationship are days when the memories seem to hit me harder. I know that this too shall pass. I know that this is all part of the process. I know that when I keep my focus away from D and his girlfriend and his life I make my life significantly easier.

I'm on the other side of the year. I know that from here on, especially once the divorce paper is signed by the judge, I will only continue to walk further and further from it all. I don't want to forget where I've been but I also don't want to stay stuck in it either. I realize that the yes I've said to God might not be easy. I realize that yes is likely to come with a high cost. I'm trusting that as I continue to focus on His plan and His direction my life is going to fall into place in a way that I never could have imagined! 

Moving on

Life is crazy. All the time. It doesn't seem to change so I'm going to stop saying it.

Thursday I went to the lawyer, signed the paperwork, drove home and then went for an 11 mile run. I got home, showered, got ready, and drove up to Patrice's house. I hung out there until I went to the Awakened event at the Concord church.

Friday morning I was at work and then that afternoon I drove to Concord to attend the opening of the Hope Center. I'm so excited that the Concord church has opened this in our old building. I left from there to meet up with my friend Vada for a few hours. Then I went to the Concord church where I attended a conference on dreams.

I've always believed God speaks through dreams and Friday night we talked about dreams and how God speaks and different types of ways that God speaks. It was amazing! I'm so glad I went!

Saturday morning I ran the UNCC 5K. I would have skipped it except my Mom's department puts this race on every year and my friend Nicole was running with me. I left from there to shower real fast and I made it to Concord by 11 for the rest of the dream conference.

The conference ended at 3 and I went home and crashed!

Sunday morning I went to the 9 service. I had nursery during the 11 service and then Patrice and I went to lunch. My small group kicked off at 2 and we went to Panera where my group will be meeting. No one was able to come Sunday but I was there. I actually have 4 women who are going to be a part of my group, which I’m so excited about!

The rest of Sunday I rested!

I found out yesterday that D signed certified for the divorce paperwork. The papers could be sent one of several ways. They could mail them and he would have to sign in front of a notary, I told the legal secretary I knew he wouldn't do that. I could send them certified and once he signed then we were good to go, which is the option I chose. Had he not signed certified I would have had the sheriff serve him the papers.

So now he has 30 days to counter and then the paper goes to the judge and then shortly after that everything will be final.

I'm so thankful that this is almost done! I look back over everything that happened during the year that has passed and I'm amazed! I think the biggest surprise for me was that I was still able to be hurt so much by him. I didn't realize how numb I was when I left. I knew he would have a girlfriend and be engaged but I didn't expect the actuality of it to hurt me.

I sent out an email to my girls about celebrating the closed chapter. I debated, and reworked and thought about previous fun things I had attended. I realized I didn't want to do what I would have done before I got married, which would have been a night out partying. That just doesn't fit my life any longer.

One of my favorite events was several many years ago, a valentine's party that Chuck (not CF&G but the first Chuck) and his roommate had at their house. Everyone brought their favorite bottle of wine. All the bottles were in a paper bag and we rated our favorites. The winner took home a gift.

I talked to my Mom and she loves the idea. So we are creating a menu that is going to be so much fun and will pair with many different kinds of wine. I asked everyone to bring their favorite wine in a brown bag and we will number each one and taste.

The party motto is every new beginning comes from another beginnings end, thankful for new beginnings! I'm going to provide the champagne for an after dinner toast to new beginnings!

meetings, life, wisdom and reality

To catch up on what's been going on in my actual life. Friday night after work I went directly to the gym to get a run in. This time of year the gym is always a little crazy but if I can get there directly after work it's not as bad. I had my meeting Friday night. I love the meeting that I go to. Unfortunately there is now a man who is giving me the vibe that he is trying to be my friend. He has made it a point to come speak to me 2 times now at the end of meetings. I give a very nice answer and then leave. I have been excruciatingly careful in all my meetings to not give any kind of encouragement to any men. I am very pleasant and I recognize everyone but unless I know the man is gay or married I keep it to a very nice hello and that's it. I have 0 desire to have any guy friends other then the few I already have. So I'm trying to be extra cautious.

I didn't end up going to Boone with Tiff on Saturday. I had to be at nursery at 5:30 and her sister needed to make a trip to their parent's so she and I agreed to rain check the trip. I went to abs and booty class, I was still sore from the Wednesday class but I went and made it through. I spent the rest of the day reading on the couch with Jack, it was awesome! I worked my last nursery at the Charlotte church. I'm so thankful I had that opportunity! I really enjoyed my time working with the little people!

Sunday I went to the Concord church. I went to lunch with Patrice and Aaron and then I went to the greenway. I had to run 8 miles. Those 8 miles hurt! I was excited though because I was able to run a really long loop and I didn't end up having to double back. When I have to go back past my starting point and keep running it messes with me mentally. Running is so much mental that it's probably 80% mental and only 20% actually physical at this point for me. I know that my body is full capable and I've been doing this for years now so it's my brain that I have to fight more than anything!

Monday I arrived at work to find out that my coworker who was one of my training mentors husband passed away early that morning. He's been sick a really long time but I'm still heartbroken for my friend. The funeral is tomorrow and I'll be going to that.

Monday night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to booty beat class. I can't dance, I'm really not good at following the steps but I went and I worked at it and in the end it was done.

Last night I had a chiropractor appointment after work which was amazing!!! My neck had been locked up since the previous Tuesday so finally having that worked out was fantastic!!! I usually go to they gym after work and in between small group on Tuesdays but since I had the chiropractor appointment I didn't have the time I needed. Instead I stopped into the wine store where my friend Sharon is now the GM. I got to sit and talk to her for an hour about life and what's going on and it was fabulous! Then I had my small group and caught up with the girls at panera.

This morning I dropped my car off to have some work done. My Dad followed me and picked me up and took me to breakfast. We relaxed at home for a while and then Patrice and L came to pick me up. Instead of doing a toy or clothes I gave L a PTO day and a trip to Monkey Joes and lunch for Christmas. He loves MJ's and Wednesday is totally a great day to go! He had so much fun! Then we went to lunch and by the time we were finishing up my car was ready. I'm so thankful that I have my friend back in NC!

She and I talked at lunch. If at any point there had been true indication of change I would have gone back to D. I wanted desperately to have the story that God fixed our marriage, that He was able to work a miracle. I carefully prayed over all these months that God would give me wisdom and discernment. In every turn I have seen what I needed to see and heard what I needed to hear. I wish that the change that was being professed was real. I wish that D really had changed. I wish that I could have a story of a marriage redeemed. I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to continue in a pattern of control and abuse.

I'm not friends with D on FB. D posts everything publicly, anyone can go on his page and see anything. Last night he posted about the Christian Mingle movie and how he hasn't seen it yet but that he wants to because that's how he met (girlfriend tagged).

I'm looking at that post and I'm thinking, really? You really just put that on your FB? You who just 11 months ago were professing love and that you were never going to love anyone else. You who for months and months continued to send messages of love and commitment? You who started dating this woman in September and continued to send me messages that you would never love anyone but me? You were looking to meet women all the while claiming love and devotion?

So I posted scripture verses. I can't post what I really want to. I can't call him out on it. If I do that I put myself at his level and I've made it 22 days without doing that so I'm not about to start now. Instead I posted Proverbs 13:15-16 "Good judgement wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction. All who are prudent act with knowledge but fools expose their folly." and Psalm 120:1-2 "I call on the Lord in my distress and he answers me. Save me Lord from lying lips and from deceitful tongues." I'm thankful that God has done exactly that. He has saved me from lying lips and from the deceitful tongue.

It comes down to reality. The reality that I lived with for several years. The person that I married is a very sick individual. The person that I married was not at all who he made himself to be. In all of this I would do it all over again because it has brought me to where I am today. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, His love, His provision, His truth, and how He worked out the details.

Patrice and I talked about how I had asked to be released from counseling and when the pastor and counselor emailed me back they told me that they didn't have the authority to release me only God did. I had just gone to a Women Under Construction event at the Charlotte church. On my way home every song I heard was about waiting on the Lord or being patient. So I had to respond to the pastor and the counselor that I was going to do a 21 day prayer challenge and wait on the Lord. Patrice made such an excellent point. She said maybe in that time God really was trying to do a work. Maybe in that time there was actual change that could have been taking place but then it go too hard and D gave up. I had never really thought about it but that made so much sense to me. I'm never going to know all the details on this side of heaven. Someday I might sit with God and He's going to show me how all the pieces fit. I know from the innermost part of my spirit that I would not give any of this up (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) because it's brought me to a place with the Lord where I've never been before.

I don't know what my future holds. I'm not entirely sure where He's calling me or how it's going to look. I know this. I know He's moving. I know that He certainly has a purpose and a plan. I know that even if I never get married that it's going to all work out according to the plan that He has and whatever He has planned is so much more than anything I can imagine.

I can't change D. I can't change any of that. I can be thankful that God allowed me to be freed from the oppression and bondage which I was living under. I can be thankful that God knows all the details and He knows my heart. I don't have to take it all to FB but I can post scripture verses that allow me to express my heart in a way that unless you know me well, and or read my writing here, you would not know exactly what is going on.

I found a quote today by Socrates that I felt was perfect for me. "The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new".

I prayed this morning for a long time because I woke up with swirling thoughts. I'm sad that I didn't get the fairy tale miracle story. I'm sad that D is drinking again. I'm sad that his girlfriend will likely become his wife and have to experience that kind of hell. Then I said the serenity prayer, God, grant me the serenity to accept that things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Even typing it out, it calms me. There is much I can't change, especially as it relates to this closing chapter of my marriage. I'm thankful for where it's brought me. I'm thankful that I'm no longer there. I'm thankful that God is always faithful and He is a God who works out the details!