Hobbies

I was having a conversation yesterday when it hit me that for a very long time my hobby was dating. I would get bored and reactivate a profile. I would date thinking I knew all along what I was looking for.

I had a pretty rough 2 weeks end of August and start of September. In all honesty I thought that life at home was reverting back to what it had been 5/6 months ago. This journey has been an interesting series of revelations about myself.

When asked what my hobbies were I would explain that I worked 2 jobs, so that took up a lot of time. Then I would also say working out, baking, Jack. In truth these were all things that were a part of my life. But my primary focus and main objective for a very long time was dating.

It's interesting the perspective I've been given as I listen to the stories of one of my good friends as she goes through the separation process. As she goes out and meets guys. She had, for a long time, been unhappy with her life. She finally made the decision to end her marriage. So I watch and listen and realize a few things that I can learn.

While the first year was by far miserable more often then not, I learned some important lessons. I learned that I am my own person. I learned that I do have a backbone. I learned that some things are worth fighting for.

I had to take time away because life had reached the point where it had become unbearable. I knew what my husband was capable of in regards to being a better man and he was NOT following through and working to his potential. He also was sorely mistaken in thinking that I would be treated with anything less than dignity and respect.

The key factor that motivated change was the fact that despite all the messed up factors that make up my husband and I we do love each other. He loved me enough to want to figure out a way to change so that I would stay. I know that underneath the absolute and utter jerk that he can be that he has a heart that is special. There was something worth fighting for, and so after 2 weeks I went back.

There have been blips and times when I feel that we're slipping. Someone pointed out to me that really I'm just being tested to see if I will maintain my boundaries and hold to what I expect. Which, this makes sense to me.

Honestly when I look back at all the guys that I dated... There are none who I think I could have made it work with. Maybe I could have, I don't know, I didn't marry any of them. I married my husband, and despite the challenges, the frustrations, the moments when I just want to walk out and slam the door behind Jack and myself I also realize that there are really awesome aspects to my life with my husband.

While life has not been at all what I expected, it has caused me to grow up, and truly evaluate myself. I stated last summer that I had always just run away. I would avoid truly having to deal with me. What my marriage did was force me to stop running from God and from myself.

I was thinking about how Jack can stay out of his crate on the weekends now. He could probably stay out during the week too but I think he likes the safety of his crate in our bedroom when we're not home. I like knowing that he can't get himself into any trouble with Mr. Clean.

I have pointed out more then once that I don't try to tell Mr. Clean what to do, and he needs to show me the same courtesy. He's trying to remember this. If I choose to load my BBQ sandwich up with 3 kinds of slaw, BBQ sauce and hot sauce then that is my choice. It's not an insult to his cooking that I choose to do this. If he has issues with it I have made it clear that he can just quit cooking for me. I'm thankful that he cooks, don't get me wrong. I just want to be able to eat in peace.

I think the challenge of it all has been good for me. While it's not what I would have chosen it's shown me just how much I am capable of. This situation has made me realize that I can take care of myself just fine. I'm thankful for the life I have. I realize that I am blessed. I wouldn't trade my life.