for the grace

I find it interesting how often it hits me that I am so thankful! Every time I sign my last name, I’m thankful! Every time I travel to see a girlfriend, I’m thankful! Every time I see something on FB that reminds me of my really awful marriage, I’m thankful!

I know that during my marriage there were times that were not awful. I know that I made the best of a situation that was a challenge. I know that I can look back and say that the pattern repeated, and repeated, and by the time I left I had all the evidence that I needed that the pattern was only going to continue. Do I believe in miracles, absolutely! I believe that God does amazing things! I believe that if my ex would submit and fully surrender and get out of God’s way the outcome would be truly beyond anything I could imagine. The truth is that I still pray for that outcome for his daughter. I want her to have a Dad who is a much better man then her current Dad.

The subject of my marriage still comes up fairly often because it’s all been so recent. I can easily forget that it’s only been 5.5 months since the divorce finalized. When I drove up to VA to visit Jess I thought about what was going on November 2014 the last time I had driven up to visit. I had found out in October 2014 that D was seriously dating someone. I had known all along that it would happen but the reality of it and the pain of it I did not expect. Then because he lied to me, repeatedly, and he was lying to the woman he was with it created this whole other dimension of feelings and emotions. Namely absolute and utter disgust. How could have I ever, how did I not see, did he cheat on me the whole time, and the list of thoughts and feelings resulting from his continued attempts to win me back while lying while seriously dating and ultimately becoming engaged to someone else became more of a challenge to move past then all the initial reasons why I left.

I know his first wife was married to him for long enough that she saw all of the things that I list before leaving, and I saw some before but even more after. She will tell you she stayed too long. I had the benefit of journaling and finding Al-Anon early on. I will always feel that I stayed the exact correct amount of time. I sought the Lord wholeheartedly and He answered me and at just the right time He delivered me.

I’m thankful for the work that God has done in my life. I’m thankful that I’m not where I was. I still find myself offering up a prayer of thanks that I’m not married, that I’m no longer in that situation, that I’ve been set free. I think sometimes, because I have come so far, I get a little frustrated when something still flashes me back, or I have a moment that’s a sheer rush of hatred because a memory hits me. I take the thought captive immediately, I don’t dwell on it. I acknowledge that it did happen. I acknowledge that I felt whatever it was that I felt.

For a long time I was so confused at the absolute peace I felt on my wedding day. There was chaos all around me. There were tense situations between D and everyone else. I knew that I was marrying exactly who I was supposed to that day. I’ve questioned why I accepted things with D that were reasons I broke up with others before him. I’ve come to realize that while God didn’t cause my marriage and while God is always good and always faithful He does allow us to walk through intense challenges. I don’t think he caused the abuse, nor do I think that anyone who is in an abusive situation should stay, I know that He used it in a way that only He can do.

I know that before I got married I tended to be judgmental and at times snarky and often unreasonable. Not always but often enough. I had certain opinions and beliefs and I usually felt, even if I never said it, that I was right. Now, now more often than not the thought I have is “There but for the grace of God there go I”. Meaning I understand now, as I never have before, that I’m only where I am because of God’s grace. I don’t ever want to forget where I’ve been because I recognize that in order to avoid repeating the past I have to learn from it and use it to help guide me for the future.

11 years

11 Years. In some ways it seems completely possible. In others not at all.

I was interning at the television station in the PR department. I had just "officially" graduated from App. I was dating Benjy, who lived in Atlanta and worked downtown.

I had just arrived at work when the first plane hit. Then the next one hit. I don't think I understood the gravity of the situation immediately. It was surreal.

We drove to a ladies house and she had the news on. We were doing an interview with her for br3ast cancer awareness, she was a survivor. I remember watching the news on TV.

Lunch that day was at Thomas St. Tavern in plaza/midwood. It was oddly quiet as everyone watched the TV's.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a book called One Tuesday morning, and it was based on the story of a family and the events of this day 11 years ago.

So much has happened in the past 11 years in this country. In the world. In the lives of my family and friends.

This day changed perspectives. This day created a need to re-evaluate and take inventory. This day made us remember that nothing is indestructible. This day made us hold tighter to those we love.

We will never forget.

Believing it and Acheiving it

On my mind recently, and often is how I wish I had known "then" (before I got married) what I know "now". This is in regards to how my perspective has changed because of all that has happened in the past 11th months since my wedding.

There is the factor of growing up I give my Grandfather a LOT of credit for me even realizing I was going to college. When I was 13 he started asking me about it. To this point I had never thought about it. I had no idea what to study. I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, because to be truthful all I knew was business, where you went to an office, doctor or medical professional where you had to be good at science and math, teachers and service industry type jobs.

My plan was to go to college and then become a flight attendant so I could travel. I went with the communications/public relations degree not because I thought I would land a career but because the math requirements were minimal and I had always been able to write papers fairly well, minus punctuation and grammar.

I truly wish that someone would have taken the time to help me explore different jobs and different industries and opened my eyes to the wide range of jobs and careers available. I had no idea why I needed some kind of idea for my future. I think in the back of my mind it was because for some reason I thought that I was just supposed to get married, have children and stay home. Which is what my mom did with us. Then she volunteered in our schools and worked her way into a job at both schools my brother and I attended. I'm glad my Mom stayed home. I follow lots of blogs, some Mom's stay home, others don't. This isn't about that. My point is that growing up what I thought I was supposed to do wasn't even an option. I didn't date through high school or college, so the get married young and have children option was not a possibility for me. That being said I know those whose path took them that way and they have not had the happily ever after story. Everyone has a different story that is uniquely theirs.

In reading back over my story it's evident that I had a lot of growing up to do. It's evident that I was often attracted to individuals who were not necessarily good for me. I can't say if xy and z had been different then the outcome would have been ______. I simply don't know. I do know that I wish I knew that it would have been ok to have decided I didn't want to get married. I wish I knew that the fear I had about being old and not married was ridiculous and I could create a fantastic life for myself. I wish I had realized a long time ago that I was extremely capable of taking care of myself and I didn't NEED anyone to do this. I'm at a place now where I do like my life. I am happy. I do appreciate all my blessings. I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm not negating what I have. I am aware that for a lot of years I believed things that just were not true.

I'm not a dumb person. I will say that I tend to be extremely lazy when it comes to work. I will find the easiest way possible and I'm a horrible procrastinator. If I don't want to do it I won't. I finally learned by my senior year of college how much I hated pulling all nighters and I did actually start to get my work done ahead of time so that I was not so utterly miserable with the after effects of no sleep because I was right at a deadline. I learned that I could copy and paste from previous papers and reuse the same sources numerous times, like I said I can be lazy.

I remember in an interview I was asked where do you see yourself in the next 10 years. Which I learned just last week is not really a question that you can or should ask during an interview. While in theory it sounds like a good question the legal requirement is that you can only ask questions pertinent to the job description. However being the 24 year old I was at the time I answered the question. I answered honestly too, I see myself married with kids. Amazingly enough (it's a God thing) I landed that job still. Which it just hit me as I typed that I am now married with a kid and I'm 32...

Back to my point. I graduated from college and the airline industry was not hiring... What in the world was I going to do? I had waitressing experience and retail experience and a college degree in a job market that was not strong. I took an internship and a few part time jobs. I spent 2 weeks in a call center, it was horrible. I was offered a position as a front desk receptionist for a staffing agency and I jumped on it. I spent the next 11 months learning how to read fake social security cards, entering data and answering 7 phone lines.

I left that job to take a bridal consultant job in a high end bridal salon. I thought I was moving to my dream job. Turns out, not so much. The bridal salon is still there, and up until the manager left I used to go back and help on the floor on the occasional Saturday. I just was not a strong sales closer. I'm not a sales person, never have been and I never will be. I understand this about myself. When the management and I realized that I was not quite the right fit for the position I contacted the staffing agency. They sent me on the interview where I was asked where do I see myself in the next 10 years.

I started working for that company in September of 2003. That is how I fell into insurance. I had no idea that I could work in an industry that I would understand and even like. I had no idea that I could pursue further education through gaining my agents license and designators. I worked for that particular company from September of 2003 until June 2006. I had a fantastic opportunity to go work for a large agency, moving from the carrier side to the agency side. I loved that job, unfortunately they were closing my department. So I accepted an offer for another agency. While it was honestly the most miserable, horrible, awful experience in some aspects there were good points. I was there from May 2007 until October 2009.

I filled out a form last week that asked me how long I've been in the industry. I added it up (on my fingers since math is so not my thing) and realized I've been in this business for 9 years this September. I started off data entry, and worked my way up to where I am today. There are so many directions and opportunities that I could and can take. I think about how thankful I am to be where I am.

Sunday my nieces, who are almost 13 and 9, were discussing what they want to do when they grow up. Apparently they both want to be dentists. I told them that if it's really what they want to do then that's awesome. I also mentioned that there are lots of opportunities and that college is definitely important. I want them to realize that there is more to life then just graduating from high school and accidentally getting pregnant. I want them to realize that if they believe it they can achieve it. For my own daughter I want her to grow up knowing that she has options. I want her to understand that she should always shoot for the moon because even if she doesn't reach it she will still be among the stars!

small world, filters, dates, and blessings

Last night I was twice reminded of how small Charlotte is yet again. The first time was actually an almost because a couple walked in the door and the guy was a twin of KS. He looked so much like him that until he got right in front of me I thought it was him. Because of how our relationship ended I can only imagine running into each other would either be super awkward or we would just pretend we don't know each other.

It was nearing time for me to leave and a couple walked in the door with a baby. I looked and recognized the guy as one of the guys I worked with at Oneo. This was until Nobles my very favorite restaurant that I had worked at. Both are now closed. B and his wife came in and I seated them at one of my favorite tables and he asked me if one of our chef's was in the kitchen. I figured they knew each other from restaurants; turns out he's the chef's younger brother. In this town you don't talk bad about anybody because somehow or someway they know someone you know!!!!!

Seeing KS's twin last night would have made for the 3rd ex sighting in as many months. July I saw JM, August I saw hair plug guy/BG and then last night would have been the other but the month is young and it's possible it could happen again for September. The new hostess and I had the whole conversation about how small this world is, she is originally from Charlotte too.

Working as a hostess, for the most part, I usually click very quickly with my co-hostesses. There have been instances where I've had to work with individuals who rubbed me the wrong way or were unpleasant but I've been extremely fortunate to have worked with delightful people!! Last night I learned all about K, where she went to high school, college, Grad school. We talked about Charlotte and the crazy growth. I shared a few of my stories. A few of the moments from Vegas and why I had to break up with Joe. The story of hair plug guy and FB and me figuring out he had a girlfriend. The very quick version of JM. I've realized that when you're real with people they are real back and that's why I ask for their story and share parts of mine.

Over the years I've learned to filter some but truly with me what you see is what you get. It's probably why I was so not good at dating. I don't withhold information and when you ask me questions I answer. I like knowing other people's stories. This would probably be why I love reading blogs so much. I like pictures and stories and getting to know someone and then sometimes having the most fabulous opportunity to actually meet in person!!!

As October 20 draws closer my thoughts are more and more drawn to that date from last year. I just went back and read posts from that time. I've been sorting it in my head. Charlotte is small, so even though JM and I had no official mutual friends he knows friends of the event coordinator at my current restaurant. Not only that but he has golfed with her boyfriend. So I've learned that he's something of a player. He doesn't like to be tied to anyone. He is married to his job and likes being able to use that as an excuse to keep it light. I understand that I have to let this one go. After I saw him the what if's exploding in my head and the ideas of how it might have been were frequently running on the story reel that plays in my mind. I had to realize that he was the one who ditched me. He was the one who was all flash and then gone just as quickly. He wasn't going to contact me, he wasn't going to come back and say I screwed up and I've realized it. All the fantastical scenes I wanted to create for my day dreams were going to do my absolutely no good at all.

The reality of what my life was around that time this past July was overwhelming and escaping into those what if thoughts was not going to benefit me. I started talking, and started understanding what I needed to do. I knew that there would be no immediate fixes but I needed to see changes. I needed to have indicators that it would improve. LOTS of prayers LOTS and LOTS of support and encouragement and love have been provided. I have realized the need to be more filtered on here and I am, yet I want to write about the positive. I'm so blessed to have girlfriends who listen and encourage and provide different perspectives. I knew that change wouldn't happen over night.

Earlier this week I was talking to Dr. MG about this blog and what I've documented over the past 4 years. I was talking about how much I appreciate being able to look back and remember what all has happened. She made a comment that has stayed with me all week. "I know this has been a really tough few months for you, and again you have grown so much stronger through this all. The L of even just a couple years ago would not have fared as well. I am so proud of you, and I am confident that everything will turn out for the best- whatever the outcome."

I could play the what if game all day long on a variety of decisions that I've made, it won't change a thing. I can play the what if game for what will happen in the future, it's not going to be a productive use of my time. I'm so incredibly blessed, and remembering that, benefits me greatly!!!

Is it really December??

Somehow we're already 8 days into December. I keep blinking and suddenly we've moved forward months at a time. What a year this has been. October 25 would have been one year with S. I'm so thankful that I didn't continue on with a situation that wasn't working. I tried hard, I rationalized, I made excuses but when it came down to it I was so angry, frustrated, and irritated there was no other option but to end it. Probably what gets me more than anything is the fact that he should have broken up with me instead. He got mad at me for ending the relationship over email but he didn't have the guts to break up with me. I mention this because for the first 6 months of 2010 I was dating him, we dated for 8 months total. He played a significant role in 2010. I was able to travel to Miami, I realized I was capable of running a 1/2 marathon, I recognized running burnout and changed out my April 1/2 to an April 10K instead. I learned how to accept and let go of things but also when to acknowledge that sometimes there are things to me that are just too important to overlook. I realized that despite having fantastic attributes sometimes a good on paper guy is just that, only good on paper. When it comes to real life it's settling and you have to let them go.
When I broke up with him at the end of June suddenly I realized that life isn't so bad on your own. I had a roommate move in who was young and beautiful and fun. We went out and had good times and I learned that there are times when it's important to give yourself time and space to learn more about you. I had the best birthday where I went with friends to a vineyard and went out for a girls night and heard things about myself that were hard to hear but made me think. I didn't allow a guy I wasn't interested in keep me from going to brunch the following morning with my friends. I came into 31 realizing that for the first time in my life I was happy and content. In September I reconnected with an old friend who is as crazy as ever. I realized that the way to maintain our friendship is enjoy him but always remember that he will never be anything more than who he is and accept it and never let him get past a certain point with me. My friend who came to town this past weekend another example of accepting someone for who he is and never letting him past a certain point. To some extent they will both always have a little bit of effect on me but I know that neither can ever offer what I really would like to find, so instead they become fabulous distractions who are a lot of fun!
In October I signed up with Match in order to see what might happen. I had the date with Knoxville boy and while initially things started off well it fizzled out fast. I still hear from him but because of the way that I feel regarding how he has acted I have no intention of hanging out with him again. When he was beginning to fade out of the picture was when I met JM. JM was significant. It had been so long since I felt that way towards anyone. When I explain about our first date I still feel the way I felt that night. When I remember meeting him out for a drink the night his flight landed back in town and how we sat and talked for way too long, I still remember everything that was said. I completely let my guard down and while I got hurt I also realized that I'm still capable of feeling that way and to know that this isn't dead gives me hope for the future.
I have been at my full time job for a year and I'm blessed. I have a job that I understand and I'm good at and allows me room for growth. I'm not constantly on egg shells and I do not dread being in the office Monday through Friday. I look forward to coming to work, as much as you can look forward to coming in and sitting at a cubicle for 8 hours a day. The restaurant where I had worked for just shy of 2 years closed in August. I walked away from a restaurant that was not a good fit, and accepted that I could find something better for me, and I did. I enjoy the restaurant where I work now and while we are still working out the kinks of being new it's an excellent fit for me! Plus I'm working with one of my very favorite people again. The event coordinator from the other restaurant left there to work at this restaurant and is actually the reason that I'm at this new place! As we head into the holidays I'm excited for the business and festitivities of the season!
This year has been one of coming into my own. Learning myself, knowing when to let go and when to hold on and when to fight, learning not to give up and believe in myself. I've been tremendously blessed and I'm thankful for what I have and what is yet to come!

Thankful for perspective

Last Thursday night I met up with a friend of mine, JN, we'd lost touch for several years. Here's the back story, we went to school from either first or second grade together. He was actually held back at the beginning of the school year and ended up in my class. His birthday is in September so this makes sense that he would have been one of the youngest in his class and boys mature slower then girls so they determined it made sense for him to repeat either first or second grade. I'm pretty sure it was second. We were not friends in the early years of school, just in the natural way of little kids and the views boys and girls have of each other. Although ironically enough through second grade my best friend was a little boy named Brian. Funny I just thought of that. Anyways, by the time we reached 6th grade our class was growing closer together. There were only 4 girls and then I think maybe 6 or 8 boys. 7th grade and 8th grade the class was similarly small so we knew each other and were probably a mix of brothers and sisters and some crushes thrown in. I always think of my 7th and 8th grade year as a huge time of change. I hit my highest weight and then lost a lot of weight. I considered myself to be the fat one. High school we all went our separate ways but saw each other every week in church and youth group. I was always PMG's sidekick. She and JN had a thing for each other that was always flirtatious but they always dated other people at their respective schools.
Life moves on and we all loosely kept in touch. PMG and JN and I all hung out together summer of 1998 and then we lost touch with him after that summer. He was married and working on the marriage and she and I were in school and focused on that. She went on to get married in 2007 and I have chronicled my dating adventures over the past several years here and here and here and well just look under the my story relationship tags and you will find the chapters, it's a lot and it's confusing I know. A few Sundays ago JN was at church. I thought he left during the last song so I went ahead and left because I had things I needed to do. He came up and asked my mom where I went. So I sent his mom a message through FB asking her to let him know I was sorry that I had missed catching up with him. She sent me back his number telling me he said to give him a call sometime. Last Thursday he and I caught up on the phone for an hour and a half at the end of the call he asked if I wanted to meet him out sometime. I agreed to lunch this Saturday forgetting that I was helping move my grandmother. Instead we agreed on drinks Thursday night.
While catching up further it completely caught me by surprise when he stopped me in mid sentence. I was relaying a story about after college and made the statement that I wasn't pretty up until after college and that was when he stopped me and asked me what I was talking about. I said how long have you known me you know this and he said no that's not true. This completely caught me off guard. I guess we are our own worst critic I look at pictures from those year of my life and I cringe. My perception of myself from this point in time is that I didn't date that much because I was ugly. Perhaps in evaluating from a distance it might have been other factors namely my own perception of myself as fat and ugly. I know so many beautiful confident women of all shapes and sizes who have completely disproven my early belief that men only want women who look like the women in magazines and on TV.
So on this Monday, halfway through November, I am thankful that I'm not where I was 8 years ago (I say 8 years ago because college was a blast and I loved it and my complicated love life soap opera started when I was 22-23 here is that part of the story). I'm thankful that life moves on and I'm blessed.

On life and love and laughter

My life, I'm so completely where I'm supposed to be. I've never felt this way before, it's an odd feeling, in a good way.
I have loves in my life, many of them actually and I am so blessed! Months ago I had a conversation about how I had to quit looking for perfect or quit looking for my idea of perfection. Although in context this was referring to my relationship at the time I think that there is a bigger application of this concept. I have no idea what my next 31 years will bring but I will live them (and the ones beyond them) to the fullest.
Laughter is the best medicine. I have found that since having a little dog named Jack Banner I laugh often. He is forever doing something that just makes me smile or laugh. My friends are good sources of laughter as well. My office, oftentimes we will find something humorous, and laugh.
I am excited by the possibilities of what this next year will bring and looking forward to whatever God has in store for me.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:3-4

Weekend

Friday night I closed at the restaurant. I had the best of intentions to wake up Saturday morning for a 6-7 mile run. I woke up at 7 took Jack out, laid on the couch for a minute and didn't wake up til it was time to take Jack out again and then get ready to go into the bridal store. I worked from 12-2 Saturday and then came home to pack and get ready for the restaurant. I worked til 9 Saturday night then I came home put my bags and Jack in the car and headed up to S's place. We had to be up at 4 to leave at 4:30 for his first triathlon. Sunday before the sun was even thinking of rising we left the house. I slept in the car for about an hour. Even at 5 it had to have been about 80 degrees and it was so humid. I set my phone alarm to wake up in time to head down to where everything started. S was in the second wave of swimmers so he was due to start at 6:34. He did awesome on the swim and then next was the bike. He transitioned quickly and took off for the 16 mile bike ride. I was there at the start of the swim, I was there where he came out of the water, I was there when he started the bike ride and when he came back. Again he did awesome. The final thing he had to do was a 5K (3.1 miles). I cheered him from the start and moved over to the finish line to cheer on the runners coming in. All in all he did awesome for his first Tri and I was so excited for him. As we were going to grab him some orange slices we ran into one of the guys he does the Sunday morning bike rides with. He introduced me as his "friend" L. The guy introduced his "girlfriend" and we spoke for a moment, it's a very good thing I had on sunglasses as my eyes would have totally given away what I was thinking at that moment. I got very very quiet. I'm thinking to myself "I got up at 4 this morning to come cheer you on. I've been dating you for 8 months and you introduce me as your friend?"

I waited til we were in the car and on our way back to his place before saying anything. I said you do realize that you introduced me as your friend. He goes "really?" I said you know we've been dating almost 8 months if all you really think of me is as a friend then we don't need to be seeing each other. Well he says that of course he sees me as more than a friend and I should know that and he doesn't think of it like that, like that being that it was perfectly acceptable to introduce me that way. I let the subject drop and we went to brunch.

I went to the gym and got 7 miles in. I was upset and trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. When I got back I finally laid it out. I said "I'm in love with you so it hurts my feelings that you would introduce me that way and I know that you don't feel that way for me and it freaks me out that you don't feel that way and that you would introduce me as your friend". He responds that he doesn't see (and I interrupted you don't see me that way and he said no) he said that he doesn't see it as a big deal that he introduced me as his friend and he is sorry for hurting my feelings. I told him that I know he doesn't feel the same way and I guess we'll just have to see what happens. No I did not get the L word back.

We went to dinner at his choice because he competed in the triathlon. Usually he won't pick a place to eat so any time he would ask me I simply told him that he had to pick because he did the Tri. Brooklyn Boys isn't my favorite but it's not bad either. After dinner we went to see Sex and the City. I told him he didn't have to go but he agreed (I agreed to go see A-Team).

OK honestly I was disappointed. I love the show, love the first movie, but the second... Nothing really happened. I need to see it again on my own without a guy beside me who I know is bored out of his mind. I know that he didn't have to go and I know that he was super sweet to be there with me because he knew how much I wanted to see it. I didn't even really love the fashion. The wedding at the beginning was weird and it was a long time to sit in a movie that didn't really have a point to it. After the movie we went to Walmart for dog food for Sophie and Snickers. Jack was out of treats so I planned to buy some for him but S offered to purchase the treats as well. Today I agreed to go see the A-Team. I liked it better than SATC. Then we went to a late lunch and then I came home. It was definitely a relaxed day, just what I needed.

I'm not sure any longer that I'm letting go of perfect or just not accepting that it is time to cut my losses. I have actions that say I care ie the movie and buying treats for Jack. But I need to hear words too. I can't just assume that because you buy treats for my dog and go see a movie that I know you don't want to see that this equals love. If you can't say those words to me and you're not sure then perhaps you're never going to be sure. I said I would give it 12 months but I'm thinking this may be prolonging the inevitable. I'm not breaking up just yet. I'll give it through our birthdays in August and then depending on what happens we'll either continue to see one another or I'll be breaking up with him. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for but I know that I can't go dropping the L word on him and then turn around and break up with him, that's not fair. I was seriously ready to break up yesterday but I didn't feel right about it. No matter what happens I know that I will be just fine. I'm not worried, I don't want to mess up a good thing but I also don't want to settle for someone who is never going to feel the same way for me as I do for him.

This time 5,4,3,2,1 year ago...

As this time of year has rolled around there are just some parts of my past I can't help but think about. This time of year 2005 I was getting ready to close on my little condo and freaking out about it! I was transitioning from the wine bar and bistro restaurant to a more upscale restaurant. I was dating various guys and having fun.
This time 2006 I was getting ready to move on to the next chapter of my professional career with an insurance agency rather than an insurance carrier. I was on match.com and I had met DB who invited me to the Bahamas but I broke up with him (on Mother's Day) because I had reconnected with JL. My first roommate was getting ready to move into her own place and I was working part time in the upscale restaurant but I was constantly losing my voice. I fell hard and fast for JL all over again but he was trying to find a job and figure out what he was going to do with his life. He had been working in the mortgage business and this industry was coming to a grinding halt.
I would go back and forth between DB and JL that summer. When I started dating CF in September I thought all that was over and done with.
This time 2007 I had broken up and gotten back together with CF. When he and I first started dating we were rarely apart. So that meant he took me for granted. When I moved back to my own place in March he made no effort to see me or spend time with me. We travelled to Florida this week in 2007 to see his 1/2 sister graduate from high school. I went to the beach with CF's family in June and while I enjoyed the beach and hanging out with his younger 1/2 sister and mom the rest of the trip I've blocked, it was that bad. His older sister and her then husband had a horrible fight that made me realize how bad the situation between them really was. They divorced about a year later. In my professional career this was the time of year I went to work for the previous agency that I worked for. The first day on the job I realized I had made a horrible mistake and I immediately began looking for a new position. I was in a bad relationship and a bad job and I was generally just unhappy but I was trying to make the relationship work. I finally gave up on the relationship and let CF in August 2007.
This time of year 2008 I was dating KS. I liked him; he was fun and laid back, easy to get along with. He and I went to his parent's house over Memorial Day weekend and celebrated his Grandmother's 90th birthday with the rest of his family. A few weeks later we went to the beach and had a really great time, until the trip home when he told me that he didn't believe that Adam and Eve were real and Noah's Ark was just a story. He had some other views that threw me for a loop but I continued to date him. Finally in September I realized that between our different religious and political view points there was just no way I could ever have a future with the guy so I broke up with him.
This time 2009 I was dating M3. It was this time of year when his whole personality changed and the guy who blew up my phone with text messages and was the reason for an astronomically high cell phone bill suddenly quit communicating with me. He was quick to tell me that he had a lot going on. I knew that he did but it's difficult to be understanding when you don't know what is happening that is so stressful. I went above and beyond and he had no concept of what give and take is. The icing on the cake was when I was told that he called me clingy. I have plenty of personality traits that I have to work on but clinginess is not one of those traits. I had been super nice and super understanding and in my opinion he's just a huge jerk. He's finally quit trying to message me every time he sees me on FB. I had deleted him from my friends once I found out he called me clingy but back in December he re-requested me to friend him. I accepted only because he is the reason I have an iPod and rebuilt computer. After he and I broke up he started dating this cute blonde girl. I'm not sure what happened but they broke up after a month or 2. I know this because his FB was never set to private so I always knew what was going on with him and if your information is not set to private then I'm going to look, I'm nosy that way. Really I hope I never see him after I've had a few drinks because I would be way too honest about what a jerk I think he is. I had a conversation a couple months ago regarding the difference between M3 and S. Basically in every aspect S is a much better guy. I do believe that the relationships with M3 as well as with RS are the reason why I'm able to keep myself in check and keep things in perspective with S. When I think back to all the relationships that I've been in the reason I'm trying to maintain my normal self with S is because I know that he's the best guy I've ever dated. Whether it works out long term or not I have learned a lot when it comes to not pushing and not trying to constantly be in control.

chapters yet written

I had a friend tell me today that she and her husband have decided to separate. I've known since last May that things weren't good and they've gone to counseling. I met MKW when I interviewed for my first job with the insurance carrier that I worked for 2003-2006. She was one of my interviewers and she and I immediately hit it off. I did not get the job that she interviewed me for but they made sure I was given another position that better fit my qualifications, translation entry level data entry where in 3 months I was able to work my way up to an assistant. I remember that she and I had many conversations about her relationship. It was a complicated one. They had lived together then moved out then broke up then got back together. I remember the night she got the ring (2003) and the text message that I received. She was so excited! I was able to help with a lot of the planning process. Before I left the bridal salon where I was working prior to the insurance carrier I purchased a strapless white cotton eyelet floor length dress. I was dating the old guy and thought things were moving that direction and I loved the dress and felt it would be perfect so since I still had the discount (and room on the credit card) I bought it. When he and I broke up I still loved the dress but had no upcoming occasion to wear it. I was talking to MKW and realized it was exactly what she had in mind for her dress. So I brought it in, showed it to her, she loved it, so I sold it to her. It was perfect on her! They were married in June of 2004 I had to work and was unable to attend the festivities. They had their ups and downs and difficult times. They bought a condo somewhere between 2006-07. MKW became the main income when the husband lost his job. He has since found a job but this was a challenge. From what I glean from the conversations that I've had with her he just doesn't care. It's not that he doesn't care about her but just about life in general. When he lost his job he was rather ambivalent about finding another. When it came to the homework given by the marriage counselor he was ambivalent. He didn't necessarily have any goals or aspirations for the future. I know that initially he did or MKW never would have considered a future with him. She is driven and motivated and always on the go. She volunteers and always has a few projects that she's working on. So there's no doubt that she will be fine. The split is amicable and the decision to go their separate ways makes them sad but they feel that it's over. They dated for years before they got married so I have no idea how many years they've been together total.
Another friend, a former coworker and actually for a short time my supervisor from the same job got married in October of 2005. I believe it was a situation where it seemed like a good idea at the time but once it was all said and done he was not the person that she thought. They separated and their divorce was final in 2008.
The email I received today made me think. There are times when I feel very upset at the fact that my 31st birthday is approaching and I am not married. I have a hard time not bringing up the subject of where is this going and what are you thinking with S. I've never been one to just sit back and let things develop I try to push them along, usually this means that I break up with the guy I'm dating because I don't see him fitting the role of being married to me and I don't want to waste time. I love to read but I'm one who will read the end to make sure it has an ending that I want to read to. I've been all about instant gratification. New dress, new shoes, new outfit, I used to swipe a card without a second thought. I had one of my card numbers memorized and despite having cut up the card it did me no good because I kept using it online anyways. The choices that I've made when it came to my dating life have ultimately saved me from the experience of having to go through an ending such as divorce. I probably could have pushed my way into a marriage if I wasn't so quick to break up but when I look back I have no doubts that breaking up was the right thing to do. In looking at the guys that these 2 friends married, they're not bad guys but they both lack motivation, the guys are actually very different but this is the one common factor I notice. I think about my girlfriends who are married and the give and take that I see in the different relationships that I observe. It's actually very cool to watch the dynamics of these women who have been my friend, some since church nursery and some who have come into my life within the past 5 years. Some I watched the relationship develop others were already married by the time I met them. I see that they challenge and are challenged by those that they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with. Some dated for a year or more others knew each other for less than a year. Who is to say what the future holds, only God knows this.
I write all this as a reminder to myself. It's OK that I'm almost 31 and never been married. I wouldn't want to be married to any of the guys that I've dated to this point. I have to remember that I do believe that everything happens for a reason and to appreciate the here and now and quit worrying about the "what ifs" of the future. S is different then any of the guys before yet there is no ending for me to read in the book of our story that is being written. I can't jump ahead and say oh I don't like this ending I'm leaving. Truly good stories are the ones you don't want to end anyways. You want to keep reading on about what happens.