worms

In this age of easy access to people's information it would be easy to FB any and all of my old boyfriends. I would imagine they are all on the site by now.

I drove to High Point Monday and wondered if I will ever not miss Josh when I make that drive. I wondered the same thing on my birthday when I drove to Boone. I know my reasons for walking away. I know that sometimes some relationships are just not meant to be. It does not lessen the feeling of melancholy I feel when I am reminded of him.

This is not to say he treated me all that well. So I could also look at me and say what in the world is wrong with you that you feel this kind of melancholy over someone who you walked away from because they never did understand that you needed to at least come next to football if not before it...

With the DNC in full effect I have been thinking of Jeff. He was a large player in bringing that convention to Charlotte. The temptation to shoot off an email that asks how things are going is huge. I want to know. I'm curious. I also want to know how he is.

I remind myself that he didn't have time for me. That he completely fell out of the picture. That he was married to his job and I have no business contacting him. Why open a can of worms that has no business being opened.

I have no desire to ever date again. For so long I wanted to be married. I'm trying very hard to make my marriage work. This means not contacting any ex boyfriends. This means keeping me in check. They are ex boyfriends for a reason.

I'm trying, trying to stay positive. Trying to look at what's good. Trying to get my focus on something bigger then myself. I was and am thankful for last nights meeting. In all honesty the biggest part of me wants to just give up. For all the positive change and growth and continued change and growth this is all just so flipping hard. I can't compare my life to anyone else's, it's mine. So this means, for me, that I continue to walk the path I'm walking.

I have two good friends going through divorces right now. I hear the challenges, the ins and outs, what they are going through. It makes me realize that I'm not there yet. For as much as I want to walk away, it wouldn't be that simple. It's also not the right choice for me, nothing changes if nothing changes and I have changes that I need to make. I have some more work to do on me. A choice to walk at this point would be me trying to force a solution and I know from the past that this doesn't work.

Melancholy over the past is just a feeling. Curiosity is another feeling. It's fine to feel these feelings. My choice is to acknowledge them. Accept them. Now I put my focus on moving me forward. It's not time to give up. It's not fair to just walk away. There's too much good stuff, that right now I'm ignoring because my focus is off.

I know that I'm not where I've been, I know I'm not yet where I'm going, but I'm going to live right where I am.