a mile in their shoes

During my FL trip I thoroughly enjoyed HGTV, Food Network and TLC. Friday afternoon while I was getting ready for the formal dinner I was watching Say Yes to the Dress until I started crying with some of the brides and I had to switch back to HGTV. I still love watching brides pick out the gown of their dreams!

Saturday afternoon before the dinner cruise we were in the room watching 4 weddings on TLC. I love this show! Patrice commented she couldn’t believe I still liked these shows and I was like, “why wouldn’t I”? I love all things wedding, even though I was so disconnected from my own wedding.

Before I ever met D I had said I didn’t really want a wedding, and I didn’t. I love all things wedding but the idea of dealing with all that previous to my own wedding held no appeal for me. Perhaps because my Mom had always had her own opinion of how it all would be. Perhaps because I didn’t have any sort of budget. There were a lot of factors that contributed to why I had no desire to plan a wedding. Then when I met D and we got engaged I was his 3^rd wedding. This just added more reasons to why I didn’t feel a wedding was necessary.

I’ve said this now a few times. I went into my marriage with no real expectations, other than that he would be nice to me. Apparently having no expectations was a recipe for disaster because oh my goodness that first year was such a nightmare!!! The following year and 8 months were not sunshine and rainbows either

There is so much that I have taken away from my experience that I wouldn’t have had I not made the choices that I made. My relationship with my Mom, because I learned how to communicate and establish gentle boundaries, is better than it ever has been! My appreciation for life and understanding that perception is 95% and a positive outlook makes everything better! My time in Al-Anon and all that I’ve learned. I haven’t been to a meeting since April but if I feel that I need to I know I can always go back.

I think the most incredible take away has been my relationship with the Heavenly Father. I’ve always professed Christianity as my faith. I grew up in private Christian schools. I’ve always understood Jesus died for my sins and God loves me. I’ve seen things that I’ve questioned in churches and certain practices that I don’t agree with. I quit going to church in college because I refused to be a hypocrite, but I still believed God loved me. I sporadically attended church through my 20’s because while I believed I still wanted to party and have fun and do my own thing.Turns out I can still go out, have fun, and not be a hypocrite.

I wanted to get married and I knew I had to marry someone who also professed Christianity as their faith because for me personally dating someone of a different faith would be way too complicated. I wouldn’t be able to respect their beliefs and feelings because I believe that God created the world, that Eve and Adam ate the apple, that Jesus had to die to reconcile us to God, that Jesus rose again on the third day, and that Jesus is coming again. I’ve always and will always maintain that I can be friends with anyone but marriage is different. Marriage is two people becoming one and when you are one it’s my belief you have to serve the same God.

Interestingly enough I married someone who knew scripture. Who professed Christianity. Who went to church most weeks. Who had been a pastor for 13 years. Who had spiritually abused his first wife. Who had cheated on said first wife, I didn’t find this out until after I met first wife last December. Who had a relationship that ended and then found out that there was going to be a baby. The baby arrived in January the divorce was final in March. He married another lady in August and she kicked him out in December. Why or how I was able to Pollyanna my way through all of this in looking back BLOWS ME AWAY!!! Clearly that underlying need to be the fixer overpowered any common sense. 

It has also been pointed out to me both by number one and by baby mama that my ex-husband is a master manipulator, con artist, and has a deadly charm and this all is very true. As I have still tried to wrap my brain around the situation with his ex-fiancé they have both reminded me how charming my ex can be. I have to remember that I lived the nightmare and if you haven’t lived through it then it’s really difficult to understand the magnitude of what he can be like.

I attended the Charlotte human trafficking round table meeting yesterday, Thursday 10/1. This round-table meets once a month to find out what is happening and talk about what’s working, what is not working, what is going to be happening, and making sure that most importantly victims don’t fall through the cracks or by the wayside. I attended the August meeting but the September meeting I had just started my job and I didn’t feel comfortable asking to go. During yesterday’s meeting we talked about human trafficking and the domestic violence factor. October is domestic violence awareness month.

The truth is when you’re in the midst of chaos and dysfunction your radar for acceptable and unacceptable becomes faulty. After I left I knew I was exhausted. I knew that I was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted. But for me it took distance to be able to understand that various situations that occurred had been abuse. I shared during the round table yesterday that when you’re in it, and when it’s happening, it’s your normal, so a person who is being trafficked has accepted this as their normal. That is why it’s so hard to rescue people from trafficking. Even once they are out the likelihood that they will go right back is very high.

Last year this is the time when I was dealing with my ex telling me that he loved me, that he hadn’t moved on, that he just needed one more chance, all the while dating and becoming engaged to someone else I kept praying for wisdom and discernment. I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment. I know that everything I’ve been through has brought me to the place where I am now. While my experience was very different then what a trafficked person goes through I do have the ability to understand that when you’re in it you can’t see it. I do have the ability to take a step back and let go of judgement. Even as I typed I realized the situation with his ex-fiance is one where I don’t know her story. I don’t know what her normal was. I don’t know what her ex-husband was like. It’s so important to remember that until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes it is so important to remember you don’t know the whole picture.

4 Things

I'm totally stealing this from Lisa's 4 Things Thursday because it was so much fun and I wanted to participate, even if it is Saturday!

Four names that people call me other than my real name:
1.  Sissy (mostly my Mom)
2.  Loni (my old co-workers at the agency this originated from a mis-spelling)
3.  Maria (when agents don't pay attention when I say my name on the phone this is what they hear, not sure how)
4.  Laurie pronounced Laur-ree, I live in the South. My name is Lori, L-or-ee

Four jobs I’ve had:  
1.  Babysitting
2.  Waitress 
3.  Bridal Consultant
4.  Account Manager

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1.  Shag
2.  How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
3.  Steele Magnolias
4.  Sleepless in Seattle

These are just a few, I have a really long list of movies that I love!

Four books I’d recommend:
1.  Anything Norah Roberts
2.  Anything Karen Kingsbury
3.  I want God by Lisa Whittle
4.  Choosing to See by MaryBeth Chapman
I have a long list of books too, these are just a few.  

Four places I’ve lived:
1.  Charlotte, NC
2.  Boone, NC
3.  Concord, NC
4. 

I've travelled all over but I've actually only lived in 3 cities. 

Four places I’ve visited:
1. Atlanta area GA
2. Monroeville, PA
3. Minneapolis, MN
4. Northern VA/DC 

This is just the places since September. I have a list of places across the US but I've never been outside the US other than Canada.

Four things I prefer not to eat:
1. Liver 
2. Hamburgers (I will eat ground beef but I do not like to eat beef burgers, I do like ostrich, buffalo or deer)
3. Curry
4. Cranberry from a can

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi
2. Pizza
3. Mexican
4. Hibachi 

Four TV shows I watch
1. Big Bang Theory
2. Dancing with the Stars
3. News
4. Sex and the City (I used to but I don't have the DVD's anymore) 

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:
1.  Christmas
2.  Patrice is having a baby in March
3.  Visiting friends
4.  Changing my last name

Four things I’m always saying:
1. Not my circus not my monkeys
2. It's none of my business
3. Really?
4. "So"

Tuesday's Lunch

I've been working with a counselor over the past few weeks now. I originally went to see her because I needed help in processing the life I live. In order to move forward in the present I had to deal with the past, novel concept I know. I have been amazed with the process as we go through my memory, bring things forward, and process them through. My memory does all the work, the images or thoughts come up and fade away. I reach resolutions, and then it's like a weight lifts. Even after the appointment my mind keeps working through things, sorting them out, and processing.

Today I realized that as a little girl I felt I had no voice. It didn't matter that I hated, despised, loathed, abhorred playing softball, I was told I was going to play and that was the end of it. I found ways to circumvent, and go around when I didn't want to do what I was being told. Plenty of times I shoved my stuff under the bed and stayed in my room with a good book. It took me a really long time to learn how to speak up. Even today I would rather write to communicate when it comes to difficult situations. I realize that parents do the best they can, and there are no directions provided. I realize that had I never been pushed to do things I would not have the drive that I do now.

I think more and more I'm learning how to figure out what I can and can't control. I'm learning how to manage the emotions, and struggles. Instead of everything just being a big ball of knotted frustration my mind seems to be better able to stretch things out and look for ways to file for future reference or release entirely what I don't need to hold onto. As I go through this weekly process I feel weight lifted as I let go of what I need to let go of!

34

Yesterday I turned 34. I love how the birthday wishes pour in over FB, that always makes me so very happy!

Tuesday night Daron took me to the same place where we went for our anniversary so I could have sushi.

Wednesday morning I took Jack for a walk. I've had to take this week off from running, in hopes that the Achilles/calf issues will heal and I can get back to training.

I traveled to High Point to see my brother, SIL and nephew. I usually travel to Boone to see my friend Donna but this year that didn't work out, so hopefully I can get up to Boone sometime before Christmas. I loved holding my nephew and catching up with Bean and Jelly. They treated me to lunch from a yummy Greek place!

I left High Point and headed home to change clothes and head out again to clean the office. After I cleaned the office I made a detour to Amy's. She and Audra, and Audra's older brother had a birthday cake and ice cream as well as presents and cards for me. I got there around 6:30 and didn't leave until after 8 because I got to talking.

This morning one of my underwriters brought in bagels, today for lunch my other underwriter is taking me out to Olive Garden. Tomorrow night my parents are treating to Mexican, so I have covered just about all my bases for my favorite foods.

Even with all the yummy goodness I'm trying to be cognizant of the fact that I can't exercise this week and I'm making the best choices with that factor in mind.  

The first year that I was married my birthday was a nightmare, last year it was better, this year it improved yet again, so I'm thankful. I'm thankful for wonderful friends and family who help make it so special!!!

When your life doesn't look like...

2 years ago I was in the midst of cleaning out my condo, avoiding conflict with my mom, and keeping my fiancé and my mom apart.

While it took me a few months to recognize it I truly did marry someone who is so much like my mom it's scary. I've said this a lot.

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had my parent's to go to when I finally reached that breaking point and realized that I couldn't stay with the way that the situation was.

Mom certainly makes an effort and she is very pleasant when we are all together. So that is appreciated.

Yet I know that my life doesn't look the way that she wanted it to. Which just typing that out makes me stop and reflect for a moment.

If you look at my brother and sister in law they have a very nice life, nice house, good jobs, and a baby on the way.

For the majority of my early years my Mom was controlling. I say this with no malice, no resentment, I'm not upset over this fact, it's just the way it was. She is a strong personality, and wants everything to go the way that she sees it.

I had long accepted that if I ever got married I would just let her do whatever she wanted and I would show up. I never did factor in a groom who would not just go with the flow and who would be downright rude on the day of the wedding. I can look back and know that I have reached a place in my life where I would have handled the whole situation so differently. I don't say that with regrets, I say that from the perspective of someone who had to do a lot of growing up over the past 2 years.

My mom had my wedding figured out long before I was even old enough to date. To me it wasn't worth the fight when it came down to it. I didn't have the money to do what I wanted so I just let her go with it. I'm not mad or upset over the way the day went. I'm very appreciative for how nice everything was. I'm very thankful for all those who showed their love by how they contributed to that day. I know that there were a lot of people who wanted to be a part of that day and I am so thankful that they were there.

Audra's ballet recital is coming up in May. I let my mom know the date and time. The response I got was she would see how the day looked closer to.

In fairness my Mom tries. She had a special place setting for Audra on Easter but got upset that we had to leave before everyone else to have her back. She sent a precious Easter card, and Valentine's card for Audra. She buys little things for her that are appreciated. But the answer about the recital is very typical and should not have surprised me. When my brother and sister in laws child comes along I already feel that I'm going to have to be very careful about family gatherings because I don't want my daughter's feelings to be hurt as she is ignored in favor of the biological grandchild. I love my family very much, and I was thrilled to spend Christmas with them. I was delighted to have Easter together. I know that family is important to my mom but it's her family. There is not a lot of acceptance over the fact that I have a family.

While some of that is on me for how I've handled things and I have to figure out a way to handle this situation.

I think the underlying factor is that my life does not look like my Mom wanted it to. She wanted me to marry someone like my brother, successful, established, with a plan and money in the bank.

I married someone who is a hard worker. I married someone who has a colorful past. I did marry someone who is incredibly intelligent. I married someone who realizes that his identity comes from the Heavenly Father, although it's taken 2 years and a LOT of praying for my husband to realize that God actually loves him no matter what he's done and that his identity lies in that love that the Father has for him.

I didn't believe that I was marrying a project. I didn't realize all that would happen in the beginning. I would not choose to go back and repeat that all. I also would not change where I am now. I would not change who I am married to. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I push against that. Sometimes I really don't like that knowledge. Sometimes I get frustrated and mad and I want to walk out, although the walking out part doesn't happen so much anymore.

I firmly believe that God is using these challenges to grow me. I believe that there are going to be opportunities in the future where I will need the lessons I've learned about staying true to what I know God is calling me to do. I believe that as I learn to hear His voice, and seek His face, I will need these past trials in order to look back and remember and not walk away and give up.

I used to walk away and give up because that was comfortable. I used to avoid difficult things. I don't really like challenges, I like for everything to be easy so I don't have to put a lot of effort into anything, this is across the board for work, exercise, and relationships. Except at work in order to move forward, you have to work hard and pay attention and do your best. I had to challenge myself to work out and work harder because doing the same thing all the time no longer does anything to help my body. In relationships sometimes they are not easy but I'm learning how to handle the different significant relationships in my life.

My life doesn't look like what my Mom thought it should because it's not her life. As I move forward and I have vague ideas regarding how my life is going to be changing and how it's going to look, I have to accept that my mom may not accept or understand and that is OK.

Past and Present

The other day I was thinking that 10 years ago I was 23, and 10 years from now I will be 43.

It feels like yesterday that I was 23. I was dating Martin, the way too old for me, wanted to be a pilot guy from Sweden. April 2003 the bridal store had just opened and I was in awe that I was working with such high end bridal gowns. 

It took a few months but that following August I had the conversation with the store owner and the manager that I wasn't closing the sales necessary for me to continue in my role as bridal consultant. I landed the job working for the work comp only carrier in September and thus began my insurance career.

I broke up with Martin shortly after I started that job. His true colors had started to show.

After I broke up with Martin he called Patrice asking her for a date. She didn't go out with him, and she immediately called me to tell me about it.

I have a picture on my desk of Margs and I on Mother's Day 2001, she was graduating that day from App, I had walked the day before although I wouldn't officially graduate until August. I look at the 2 girls in the picture and in some ways it feels like yesterday not the actual 12 years that have passed since that day. Yet as much as it seems like yesterday I realize that as I develop goals and dreams for the future it really has been that long ago.

We, Amy, Daron and I, met with the headmaster for the school where Audra will be attending next year. 2 years have passed since I first came into this family of mine. We're an interesting group for sure. Last week we had Amy and Audra's brother over for dinner and movies. We all had a great time! Both Daron and my Mother think we are strange. The both make comments, and I simply stand firm on the statement that we want Audra to have this, she loves having us all together.

There is a house next to ours that has sat empty since before I married Daron. Recently the broken window was replaced and Monday there was a man mowing the lawn. Daron got the name of the owner and called him. Our hope is that we will be able to figure out a way to move Amy, Audra and Audra's brother next door.

This will bring with it unknown challenges, and I'm certain that there would be a necessary time of adjustments but overall we think it would be absolutely ideal to have the 3 of them next to us. I've been praying about all the details of having them closer for a while now. I kept thinking it would be Daron and I who would move but it's looking more like it might be Amy moving closer to us. Only God knows how these details will work out. I am excited to see what He is going to do!

This past Monday I attended my 2nd Bikini Bootcamp class. We did a lot of things but I think what really did me in was the 150 squats, oh my gosh do my legs hurt!!!!! They are actually much better today but Tuesday and yesterday I was not moving fast!

My next race is Saturday April 27, then I have Brian and Jenny's shower, then I have nursery. I also was invited to a birthday party but I really don't think I'm going to be able to squeeze that in to the day since it's all the way in Pineville and I feel like the day is already scheduled enough.

Choices

Last week in my Tuesday night meeting before the meeting started we were talking about App State where I graduated from college. One of the other ladies in my group also graduated from there, and that's where she met her husband. She said she met him in a bar but back then thought nothing of it.

I laughed because that's just one of the ways you met people in college. Then I realized that while I didn't meet Josh in a bar he did have a pending DUI charge against him and it didn't occur to me that this might be a flag.

Not only that but he would end up with another one while still in school. While I can say that it is a party culture that doesn't really excuse the offense. There are lots of students, including myself, who made it through my time there without this on my record. Of course I walked most places so it wasn't really something I had to worry about.

Fast forward to when I graduated from college and was out with my friend Margaret and met the guy who was facing charges for drug trafficking, and yet again this was not a flag to me. He was a nice guy, cute, I liked him. Why would I really want to date someone who is facing jail time and actually did have to report in on the weekends? I went out with him for a few weeks, I don't even remember how that one ended but I think it had something to do with Rick coming back in my life.

Oh yes the infamous Rick. I met him when I was a Junior during spring semester. He had been at App long enough to pledge and join a fraternity and then flunked out. He was up on spring break from UNCC and hanging out with his brothers, and I thought he was just the hottest guy ever. I took him to a date function, and saw him one more time the following fall while I was still in school. At his spring formal he hooked up with my roommate.

I ran into Rick one January night in 2002. We went to lunch the next day. He was preparing to move out of the house he had purchased with his fiancé.

I got him a part time job at the same restaurant where I was working. I thought he was just "misunderstood" or some such BS that I told myself about bad boys.

I cut him loose when it was clear that he just wanted to be friends and I could not handle just friendship. He came back into my life about the same time that he revealed that he and his upstairs neighbor had been hooking up and she was pregnant. He told me the news and it literally felt like a baseball bat to my stomach.

One August day at work I was bored, this was when I was a receptionist for the staffing agency, and I was perusing match dot com. I saw a guy I thought was super nice, and his profile was very well written so I signed up for match just to contact him, his name was Andy.

Andy was turning 30 in October and he was from a really great family. We did click, and then I found out that he was a pothead and that didn't go over well with me. He was also really selfish and self-centered and even my 23 year old self knew that he was very all about himself. Of course so I was I probably.

Andy and I dated from August until October. He turned 30 on October 13 and we broke up shortly after that. We broke up because Rick told me that he loved me. I took Rick out for his birthday in November and that night he met another girl when we were out…

He married April the following May. His son was born in February 2003. The baby mama disappeared and he had no idea where they were but eventually he found them, or so the story goes. Rick liked alcohol and drugs, and I knew this about him too.

Not only did I allow these guys into my life, but for Josh and Rick they played recurring roles.

There are others. I can't forget about the alcoholic I went to Charleston with and found my own way home. There was the cocaine addict who was crazy and played me like a yo-yo who I finally had to change my number in order to get away from him, but I was the one who kept responding to him when he would contact me on match, because while I might be smart about some things, I can't claim that I made great choices with that one.

While I dated those who were not alcoholics or had substance addictions, I can also list all the ones who didn't have these traits, so I was an equal opportunity dater… or something like that.

For most people that I come in contact with I usually accept them for who they are. I'm not a big person for trying to change someone. You are who you are.

I knew about my husband's past before I agreed to marry him. There were factors I didn't realize, that I would face immediately after the wedding. His past has never been my issue; it has been the current that I've had to learn how to navigate.

It's said that you don't marry someone planning to change them. I didn't but I ended up with someone who was trying to change me. I'm an advocate for adapting, and compromising, and pulling your weight. Those are all positives! I had to find my backbone, and I had to learn how to push back.

When I said I do on my wedding day I loved Daron. He truly did his best to destroy that in the weeks following our marriage. I grew up always hearing that divorce wasn't an option, but for me it became a very real possibility. I had plenty of people letting me know that it was perfectly acceptable to walk away, and I can understand why I would have made that choice. Why others in a situation similar to mine would have made that choice, and they would have been well within their rights to make that decision.

I realized that I had a history of walking away. I realized that I needed to figure out why I kept repeating the same patterns. I needed to understand why I had finally married the culmination of all the negative traits of the guys that I had dated before I got married.

I put timelines in place. I said if things were not better by this date, and this date, that I would leave. When Jack bit Daron in October 2011 I held my ground and refused to back down, we brought in a trainer. When I left in March 2012 it was because I could no longer continue with the pattern of 2 weeks peace followed by a huge blow out fight, that's not how life is supposed to be lived.

I had someone ask me in November 2011 if I stayed because I loved him or if I stayed because it was what I was supposed to do, and at that point the answer was because it was what I was supposed to do. Up until March 18, 2012 I was praying, and trying, and finally I walked away.

In the 2 weeks that followed every devotional I read, and several songs that I heard, all let me know that it was not over. That God wasn't done with my marriage and I needed to go back and hold Daron to the promises that he was making.

There have been other situations to come up since I left in 2012 and returned. I have always heard that you don't play the "I'm leaving" card to get your way. For me I don't, I say it when I truly mean it. For me it's holding my ground on plans with family and friends, respecting my job, and while it's been a really long time since I've had to stay firm on this one Jack.

I know that because I held my ground, my dog and my husband get along. I know that because I've learned how to push back we've been able to move so far forward. I made the choices that were right for me. I think when faced with a situation like what I was facing, you have to really be willing to stop and evaluate. I had to be willing to pay attention to what God wanted to show me. I had to give up plan B in favor of accepting the path that is narrower and not always clear. I had to figure myself out, in order to understand the best choices for me. Patrice recently asked me if I was doing something different with my makeup because each time she has seen me she says that I glow. I told her that it comes from the inner peace that I have. That glow isn't from makeup, it's from knowing that my identity comes from the Heavenly Father who made me. It's a glow of knowing that He always has everything under control and He always knows what's best for me.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Perspective

I made a comment on Monday about how I'm actually kind of thankful that I don't have a big following on this blog.

Sometimes I wish that I had more of a voice in the community, but since I can no longer comment from work on most blogs it means that I'm a quiet reader. I am so thankful for the friends that I have made!

I have read a few posts on the big conference that happened last weekend and to be perfectly honest I think it's a shame that in a community where there is a freedom to be honest and real and no holds bar there are apparently a lot of false fronts.

The best part I've found about meeting other bloggers in real life is the fact that I already know them. I've had the chance to see inside their head because that is what true writing is. It's why I so often shared such free detail before I got married. This space was the inside of my head.

These days it still is but I usually write with the knowledge that if Daron or Amy, or Daron's family, ever found this space I would not want some kind of huge drama unfolding.

Fortunately for me my writing is just not that interesting and I don't live in fear of that happening. Especially since I moved my blog this time last year, it has become pretty much unknown. While I love comments and exchanges with others I realize that this still allows me to write freely without fear of repercussions.

I will say that I am choosier these days about the blogs I follow. You can certainly pick up on fake pretty quickly.

I have noticed that some bloggers have gone away and I miss them. Some are going through a dry writing time, and I miss them. I also know I'm not the only one so busy with work and life that posting tends to become sporadic.

I sometimes wish I could reach out the way that I used to. I always had a comment, a thought, and I like to encourage others. For some I can just shoot an email. Maybe someday I'll join the 2000's and get a smart phone, but then you have the whole automatic word fill like what I have on my Kindle that annoys me no end. I try and type in a child's name and get something like Lumpy, really?

I am thankful for the friendships that I've made and I'm thankful for the opportunity to keep writing and keep pouring the thoughts out onto a space so that I can continue to work through this thing called life.

Control

I have long struggled with a desire to control. It was a common theme in so many past posts. I liked for everything to be planned out. I liked to be able to look at a week and know what had to be done. I could be flexible, especially when it came to a workout plan. I was not afraid to let a friend know that I needed to reschedule something if I was just too tired.

Working 2 jobs pretty much required that I have everything on a calendar or I would likely miss things. I've always known weeks out what I had on my schedule. I could book things out, and I didn't have to answer to anyone about that schedule.

I remember when I was dating CF&G that I struggled with his ex, and how she did things. It was an area that I just couldn't control. I had to accept that it was what it was, and I couldn't change it. She was an evil conniving vindictive mean individual and she was not going to change, ever.

I dated guys and dumped them, in a wash, rinse, repeat cycle. I had, essentially, a revolving door love life. You can't control other people, at least not for long, and I didn't even try, but when things were no longer going the way I wanted them to I would move them on out.

In the past 2 years I met Daron, got engaged, got married, and got through the first couple months, barely. I got into Al-Anon, and started working on me. One of the very first things you hear in Al-Anon is that you didn’t cause the disease of alcoholism, you can't control the A, and you can't cure the disease. You can only focus on you, your reactions, your perspective, and how you handle your life.

So, essentially, in the past 2 years I've learned a lot about letting go of what I thought I controlled but never did. I have a job, for which I'm thankful. I can control my productivity. I can take the proper steps to make sure that I show up on time. I can make sure that I take the actions to continue to fulfill what is expected of me. I can't control the length or time that I have this job, that's out of my hands.

I can listen to my friends as they share trials and tribulations and tough things that are going on. I can't fix anything. I can't make the situation go the way that we wish it would go.

I wrote Friday about my unsettled feeling. I prayed Sunday that in certain areas God would move me out of His way so that He could do what He needs to do. One of these areas is the relationship between D and I and Audra's Mom. We are all on the same team, wanting the best for Audra. What is so tough is that sometimes things that are incredibly important to D and I, school, is not as much of a priority for her mom. It's different perspectives and different ways of looking at things. It's not that we are right and she is wrong or vice versa it's just different perspectives.

When it comes to my sdaughter I love her dearly. I truly want what's best for her. In my mind a huge factor is going to be school and her educational foundation. Education is how you are able to move through life. I might not be floating through life with no worries but I was provided an education that has allowed me to be where I am today in my career. I don't even have that important of a position but if I didn't have my background I would not have this job. I have watched my cousin excel and she is currently in law school and I know that she will continue on and do great things. My cousin received an educational foundation that is rock solid. She will make her own choices and decisions, but she has a foundation that gives her the ability to make the best choices and decisions.

Last night as I was driving home from the gym I was praying again. I just find myself spinning about school and the fact that it's a huge deal to D and I and where will she go and how will we make sure that she is at school everyday. It's just this ongoing tape inside my head. I was reminded that she isn't mine. First and foremost she is a gift to be taken care of and we have her only a short while, but she is the Heavenly Father's and He loves her more then any of us, her earthly parents, can imagine. Then I was reminded that this is not my battle to fight. This is between her Dad and her Mom. I need to stay out of it. I can have questions and concerns but at the end of the day this is not my fight.

I have a unique position. I am mom, but I am not. I am a huge part of her life, but I'm not. I walk in a role that is always changing, and never defined. I know that she loves me and I love her. I understand that I have promised to love her as my own, and I do. The always changing yet never defined part is what is so difficult for me. I always wanted control, definition, set plans, and to know what was going to happen next as much as that was possible. I want to step in and say this is how it should be and make it so. I don’t have that right, it's not my place.

There are factors in life that I know I have control over, these involve me directly. There are so many more areas in which I do not have control. I can look to make the best decisions and choices. I can pray in situations I'm unsure about. At the end of the day, I know that worrying about tomorrow will only take away from the joy of today. In this 2013 I want to strive to let go of what I know I can't control and work to change the things that I can.

Foreshadowing

I was going back through my archives on Tuesday and I came across a post I wrote 12/22/2009 I ended with this paragraph:
"While I still see little girls who remind me of what was, that is no longer. Eventually I hope to be fortunate enough to have my own little girl. One who if she loves pretty dresses and baby dolls then I'll be ecstatic. However if she loves to run outside and play and be rough and tumble I will be ecstatic about that too. Children are such a gift and a blessing. I also understand it's no easy task. I have trouble being consistent with my dog so I can't imagine how much more of a challenge it will be if I ever do have children.
God's plan for our life is completely different then our own. I'm still learning to accept and move forward instead of planting my feet and trying to force my own way."

What a foreshadowing for what was to come! I have a little girl who loves pretty dresses and baby dolls, and yet she also loves playing in the dirt and picking up sticks.

I often find myself getting lost in the daily must do's. Sometimes it's nice to read back and remember.

Looking Back

It's no secret I dated a lot before I got married. I'm pretty sure I never thought much about how that would affect my thoughts and feelings once I got married.

I had no idea that I would think so much about the past guys in my life. Not with longing or wishing for what might have been but rather in a reflection of what I learned from them.

I broke up with guys for a reason. I always had good reasons. I have no regrets in looking back on the decisions that I made. For a long time it was a running family joke that I would change jobs and boyfriends at the same time. Then I started actually staying with my jobs and just started changing the boyfriends.

In all honesty I'm so glad that I dated at much as I did. I was thinking about this the other day. I realized that if I hadn't dated as much as I had I would always wonder about what else might be out there. I might have been more willing to walk away last year when things were so awful.

I had dated so much that I realized that maybe there was something with me that needed to change. I understood I needed to figure some things out about myself.

I have 2 friends going through divorces. One is dating again. She's sharing her stories and experiences and I listen. When asked I share my thoughts. I think if I hadn't dated as much as I had I might have found myself jealous of her new opportunities. Instead I find myself thankful that I'm not in her shoes. I know for her she made the choice that was right for her. I think she's enjoying these new opportunities. I'm a willing supporter of her.

I would never ever suggest or advise anyone to get married within the time frame that I did. There is so much to be said for knowing someone for a year. I felt like I didn't have that kind of time. I thought I knew the person I was marrying. It's said that you can't really know a person until after the wedding anyways. I don't know if this is true or not.

I do know this. I'm thankful that I dated the way that I did. Despite the heartache and frustration and drama, it brought me understanding and the ability to evaluate what does and does not work for me. I appreciate the ability to look back on lessons learned with the freedom of knowing that everything worked out for the best.

Truth

I used to write freely about dating, and the characters in my life. To me it was free therapy. Now it's a little different. I'm married to the character in my life and I love him, and even though he sometimes makes me crazy, I don't want to constantly throw him under the proverbial bus.

There is also the baby Mama and those stories. It's just not appropriate to share all the stories, so I don't. I ask myself is it OK to share this before I type. I've had to go back and re-edit things. I just value peace and harmony too much. I have no idea who reads and while I know that my little corner is not widely read I just don't know who is reading.

I had a coworker today talk about over sharing. I used to be the worst offender. I would share my life story, because I was an open book. I truly had no qualms about sharing whatever. When it comes to me personally I still have few qualms, if you ask me something I will do my best to answer honestly.

I wish I had more of a writing sense of humor. I read bloggers who make me laugh out loud. I'm not one of those writers. I think in real life my sense of humor is quirky and while I may write things that strike me as funny I'm probably the only one.

I have to watch my attitude. Often. I'm going to blame my mom for this one. I love her dearly, but spend 10 minutes with her at a wedding or special event and you will understand why I have to keep myself in check.

I was up earlier then usual this morning, at 4:40. I had to take Jack by my parents before work. Our hot water heater started leaking and we have to replace it. Jack would be completely freaked out by people coming in and out of the house so I called my Mom and made arrangements for Jack to hang out at their house today.

I'm thankful that it's Friday and this weekend is looking to be a very low key one. Hopefully I can switch out my summer stuff for fall and winter! This is a much simpler process then it used to be, I guess that is one upside to eliminating that much of a wardrobe.

Happy Friday!

6,5,4,3...

It just hit me that yesterday was 6 years since I had my first date with CF&G. Which I can believe that it's been that long ago. I've come a long long ways since then.

This time 5 years ago he and I had broken up and I was trying to sort myself out from it all.

This time 4 years ago I had broken up with Kendall and was starting to see the holy roller.

This time 3 years ago I had just broken up with Rick and was still pretty livid at him for the way that all played out. Knowing what I know now, while I still don't agree with how he started seeing someone behind my back, I know that this definitely worked out in my best interest.

Because he and I broke up I applied for my current full time job. I had a phone interview, a week later a face to face interview, and a week later they offered me the job. 2 weeks after that I started working at my current job, October 19, 2009.

I participated in the Lung Strong 15K on October 17, 2009 and that's when I met Shawn. We had our first date on October 25, 2009.

This time 2 years ago I had started seeing various people. In a few weeks it will be 2 years since the best first date I ever had. I kind of know why that situation played out the way that it did. I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

This time last year I was struggling. I was trying to do my best but my best was usually just not enough. The other night Mr. Clean was playing with Jack. We'd had a conversation regarding the statement "that's just my personality and you have to accept it" and how this is not an acceptable statement. This was my husband saying it wasn't acceptable not me.

When he was talking about this my heart about flipped over. Last summer one of my major prayers was for heart change. That conversation was a huge indicator of how much God has done. Mr. Clean playing with Jack, and showing him affection, another enormous indicator of the hand of God in our lives.

I eventually quit praying specifics and a lot of the time just said I'm giving this up because I no longer know what to pray. I still do that.

We still have moments when I get very frustrated or very discouraged, but then I have times when it's so clear to see what God is doing.

I spent a lot of time dating and breaking up, as indicated by the first part of this post. I switched jobs, switched guys, and spent a lot of time chasing this illusive idea that I thought I knew I wanted.

When I quit running from God and started running to Him I started to find my own serenity and peace. I'm so thankful!

If you really knew me

This delightful little post has been floating around my favorite blogs and since I'm falling asleep at my desk I needed to do something to wake me up.

You would know that when I listen to music I pay attention to the words, and there are songs I change because I don't like the lyrics. I don't ever just hear a tune and it's why country music has always been a favorite of mine.

You would know that when I'm at home I like to play Pandora on the TV. We have a google TV and it's amazing. It was Mr. Clean's birthday present to himself. I have 5 stations to Mr. Clean's 1.

You would know I'm not afraid to speak up in front of a group of people.

You would know that it's only been in the past 3 years that I've been running. I was always a walker, and I would go to the gym but 3 years ago I started running.

You would know that even though I do go to the gym and run I still have to force myself to get started.

You would know that I can lose myself in a book and transport myself into that world. Karen Kingsbury, Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Norah Roberts both have the writing ability that allows me to do this.

You would know that last summer was the first time I forced myself to read books that were not light easy romance reads. I'm glad I branched out I've really enjoyed the books by Beth Moore, Francis Chan and Jim Cymbala.

You would know that I've been known to pass up food calories for beverage calories or candy, but not both it's one or the other.

You would know that I can cook and I can bake but I don't do complicated. I look at a recipe and if it has too many steps I move on.

You would know that I love to shop. I love clothes and shoes and jewelry and putting things together. I have no singing ability, I can not play a musical instrument, I can't dance (very well) and I am terrible at painting and drawing but I do have an eye for putting an outfit together.

You would know that I love to create outfits for my 3 1/2 year old because she still lets me. She is my little fashion doll and I adore dressing her up.

You would know that I know I need to not give Girl Clean all her new shoes at once because I'm spoiling her but it was too much fun to pass up seeing her reaction to the shoes I purchased for her.

You would know that I tell people getting married as quickly as I did is a very (x 1000) bad idea if the person has never been in your life and you don't really know each other.

You would know that I have learned how to stand up for myself, fight for what I believe in and be thankful in all circumstances!

You would know that I religiously read blogs but I can't comment from work if it's a blogspot blog without it's own domain so if I have your email I email you comments instead.

You would know that purple is my favorite color, Jack Banner is my favorite animal and I have a ridiculous sugar addiction.

You would know that I can't wait to read more of these because I love them!!!

5 Minutes

Last week was interesting. Monday I had to go to the dentist for my temporary crown. There is a tooth that has had 3 root canals and I finally had the temporary crown put in place.

Tuesday night I had my meeting. I gave the program. I used the slogan "easy does it". When I first sat down my original intention was to use the topic of anger. Instead I found that slogan in 2 different readings and felt that this was the topic that was my better choice.

I went into the meeting frustrated. I left feeling lighter.

Al-Anon is for the families or friends of those affected by problem drinking. The only requirement for membership is that there be the problem of alcoholism/addiction in a family member or friend.

There are many meetings offered at many times during the day. I have found a Tuesday night meeting that I love that I go to each week. We all take turns signing up for the program, and we choose a topic, read al-anon conference approved literature, and then we open the floor for others to share how they have applied, for example, easy does it, in their own experience. Or even how they haven't and how it might help them in the future.

I started attending my meeting end of October last year. In some ways it's hard for me to believe that a year has almost passed. Pretty much on a daily basis I say thank God for Al-Anon. It has given me the opportunity to figure myself out.

I have 2 books that are daily readers. I love them. They help keep me in check.

Wednesday night I cleaned the office and then headed home.

Thursday night the weather was so gorgeous. It was and is gorgeous right now and I am so thankful!!! I took Jack out for a run and it was amazing!!!

Friday night I picked up Girl Clean. We were in the car talking and I told her when we got home she might want to check her shoe drawer. As soon as she walked in the door she made a bee line to her drawer. She had all the shoes out and was trying them on, it was too cute!!!

Saturday morning I took Jack for a walk. The gorgeousness of the weather is fabulous!!! I got home and changed and got Girl Clean ready for ballet. After ballet we picked up her Dad, he'd taken his car for some maintenance and then we headed to pick up Jack's heartworm medicine and to lunch.

Last year I talked about how we went to New Bern for my birthday weekend. While we were there Mr. Clean ate a huge burger and all the fries and the burger was free. That same restaurant has opened a location in Harrisburg. Mr. Clean wanted to be the first one to finish the burger. He called his family and they met us at the restaurant.

He ate the whole thing. Again. It's his "thing" and he was excited. He was also sick for the rest of the day. I went to church solo that night.

Yesterday I tackled my 8 mile run. I was in a horrible mood when I woke up; I had 0 desire to do the run. Once I got out and got started I was fine. In fact at the end I even added a little and did better then 8. I was in a much better mood once I was finished.

I was thinking during my run. I might not be happy with my current size. I might in fact be very frustrated. I am still making myself run. I am still making myself go to the gym. I have finally, hopefully, had a breakthrough with Mr. Clean regarding dinner and the fact that I don't need/want him to cook for me. I think I may be able to get back to my happy size again.

I got home and we talked about what we wanted to do. It was just too gorgeous to stay inside so we took Jack and Girl Clean to the park. It was awesome!!!

Yesterday evening I was super excited!!!! Lisa was flying in and I was picking her up. I had a plan in my head for a Mexican place but poor planning on my part and I didn't actually know where it was. Instead we went to one of my favorites, Cabo. SO yummy!!!! It worked out just fine!

I am thrilled I got to catch up with her!!!! She's going to be in Charlotte for work a few more times so I'm hoping I get to do this again soon!

Last week I was so frustrated and negative that every time I sat down to write I just had to delete everything. This week has already started off a 1000 times better!!!

Happy Monday!!!!

Birthday 2012

Monday evening I arrived home and knew that dinner prep was on me. Mr. Clean was mowing the lawn. I am incredibly thankful for the rain we have had. Said rain has kept Mr. Clean from mowing the lawn and it was starting to be a little scary to walk in. Especially considering the swarms of mosquitoes that come up when you put one foot into the grass. I'm being especially careful regarding Jack's heart worm meds. Mosquitoes are what cause heart worms in dogs and they swarm my dog whenever he goes to do his business.

I stopped at the store to pick up a few things. I decided that I would grab some noodles to add to the bag mix of noodles and vegetables I was making. We had determined we would have chicken stir fry (kind of) for dinner. I thought these would add something to it. I got home and my husband tells me that the mix already has noodles and doesn't need anything extra. I agree and send him back outside to finish up the yard.

I started the chicken in the skillet and the noodles that I bought in the microwave. Then once those noodles were finished I cooked the stir fry mix in the microwave. I finished up the chicken and cut it into chunks. I mixed the noodles with the stir fry noodle mix and it was too "noodly" so I checked our freezer. We had a steamer bag of Asian style veggies. I cooked those and added them to the mix. Dinner turned out great! I made sure that I buried the bags of extra noodles and veggies in the trash.

Mr. Clean finished up, showered, and had his dinner. We were sitting talking and he says, see that mix didn't need the extra that you were going to add to it. Followed by some kind of commentary that I didn't listen to because I was quietly gloating. He had no clue just how much I had doctored it all. I was happy with dinner and contributed for the evening. That's what matters to me, and honestly he liked dinner and didn't have to cook so he was happy too.

Tuesday I allowed myself to sleep in a little. I took Jack for a 3 mile run, which was awesome. I had originally planned to be on the road to Boone by 8:30. I got caught on FB so I didn't actually leave until 9. It worked out, I was walking into Donna's store at 11. She and I were able to catch up. One of her girls was coming in at 1 so when she arrived we were able to slip out for lunch.

She took me to lunch in a restaurant that is located in what was once a Frat house. I told her the last time I was there it was very dark, there was very loud music, and coolers of beer on the front porch. The food was fantastic! I really enjoyed the experience!

I hugged Donna bye and headed back down the mountain. I arrived home and we decided to go out for dinner. The place I wanted to go had closed so I chose a little Greek place instead. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

My husband told me happy birthday on Monday night, he told me Happy Birthday at 1:30 on my actual birthday and he said it when I woke up. Granted he had been reminded of the upcoming day, both Saturday and Sunday. However, he had said that he really didn't want to screw this up. I am appreciative.

He gave me beautiful cards, and absolutely made the effort to make the day special. I'm thankful!

I was "that annoying" FB friend yesterday. There was a point to it. I've mentioned that I have an individual in my life who I once counted a closest friend. I no longer do. It started long before I met my husband. My marriage was not "approved" of. Then because I refused to give up on it, that wasn't approved of either. The only contact this person still has with me is through FB. So not knowing who this person has told what to, and none of the information could be accurate because they don't have any information I felt the best way to disprove any rumors or untruth's was to use my FB. Juvenile, yes. However, I want to give credit where credit is due. The fact that yesterday went down the way it did is quite honestly a testament to all that God has done over the last year.

I am thankful for the amazing day! I am thankful for wonderful family and friends! I am so excited for this year and what it holds!

Birthdays past

In August 2002 (23) I was a year out of college. I was working for the staffing agency at the front desk. I wasn't really "dating" anyone. At the end of the month I met Andy. That was brief and because Rick professed his "love" for me I broke up with Andy after about 2 months.

August 2003 (24) Rick had married, but not to crazy baby mama. I was dating Martin. He was way too old for me, and things were coming to a natural conclusion. I was working at the bridal salon and had to work late that night. Martin took me to dinner for my birthday and then I had to go sit and wait on him to do a handy man type project in exchange for a motorcycle that he wanted. This was the birthday I determined I would never work again on my birthday if I could help it because it was way too depressing.

August 2004 (25) I was dating Benjy. I drove to Atlanta and I was oh so excited because we were supposed to go to the Blondie concert on the Friday night before my birthday. Except it rained so hard they cancelled the concert. The following day, my actual birthday, it was nice. He took me to dinner and we talked. I was supposed to be moving down to Atlanta, except this was the trip that determined my ending our relationship. I realized that he really didn't have room for me in his life. After dinner we met up with friends of his at a strip club because one of his friends was dating one of the dancers. I was super impressed with the shoes of the dancers! I may have contemplated buying myself my own pair of stripper shoes.

August 2005 (26) I was in my condo. I was dating Mike2. He is someone I should have kicked to the curb, he blew me off on my birthday. That should have been my first clue. It took a trip to Charleston where I found my own way home for me to finally get rid of him once and for all.

August 2006 (27) I was dating Josh. Ahhh Josh. Oh my gosh if there was ever someone who I loved and tried and tried (and tried) to make it work. Except it takes 2 and he and I are a lot like oil and water. Or he never could figure out that I hate feeling like I'm the very last priority. For that birthday he was supposed to come to Charlotte early, he lived in Winston Salem. He ended up arriving after lunch. We had dinner with my parents. He was supposed to stay in town, but he drove back that night. Then he flew to Wyoming because he was looking at a job out there. I broke up with him because it seemed hopeless, a month later I met Chuck.(CF&G)

August 2007 (28) I was dating Chuck. It was starting to hit me that 30 was only 2 years away. I was freaking out. When Chuck's birthday had arrived in March I had thrown him a party with the help of his mom and sisters. I had gone all out. The month before that I had helped with G's 4th birthday party. So when my birthday rolled around, the weekend before, and after, he had fantasy football drafts. My birthday fell on Tuesday. He met with my parents for dinner, and was short with everyone that evening. The weekend before my birthday I had gone to see Dr. Marg and ended up with a whopping speeding ticket. My present was supposed to be help paying for the ticket. Except I broke up with him before he gave me the money and I never saw it. Instead I sold the Brahmin handbag he had given me for Christmas on Ebay to cover the cost.

August 2008 (29) I was dating Kendall. While Kendall and I broke up over personal belief differences I have to say that hands down he did the best job on helping me celebrate my birthday. He paid for my car insurance as my present which was very much needed that year. He had dinner with my parents and their friends. He just made me feel really special. It was awesome.

August 2009 (30) I was dating Rick again because like a fool I believed that he had changed. He hadn't. He came to town and we went to the restaurant where I worked at the time for dinner. It was so delicious!!! I really did enjoy that birthday. The actual day of my birthday I had driven to Greenville, SC for a job interview, then I drove up to High Point where Bean and Jelly made me dinner. I could not have asked for a nicer 30th birthday!

August 2010 (31) This goes down honestly as my very favorite birthday. My friend Vada told me about an event at Raffaldini Vineyards. We drove up and she had made chocolate cupcakes. I was super incredibly hungover from the night before. I had gone out with my roommate at the time, Krista. She and I had only intended to go out for a drink, famous last words. I was struggling that day, the wine tasting helped. Dr. Marg had driven up to the Vineyard and then I rode home with her. She and I went to dinner with our friend Christi at a sushi place and then we went out from there. This was the birthday where they were drinking dirty martinis and they were very (incredibly) honest with me about what I needed to do and how I needed to focus on me. It was hard to hear but I was thankful for the honesty and it makes me love them more.

August 2011 (32) What could have been a really awesome birthday wasn't. We had a trip planned to New Bern, NC. My wonderful friends and family all remembered my birthday. Once I reminded my husband what day it was he made me a very nice dinner. A week later he gave me a lovely card and gift. The trip in his mind was the 2nd part of our honeymoon, in my mind it had been a birthday trip so we were on entirely different pages.

This year for my birthday, I'm already making my own plans. Saturday I have lunch plans with Nicole. Sunday night we have dinner plans with Bean and Jelly. Tuesday (my actual birthday) I'm pretty sure I'm going to drive to Boone. Thursday night I'm having dinner with my parents. Saturday Mr. Clean's family is providing a birthday lunch. So I'm making sure that I make the day special all on my own. My gift from Mr. Clean is going to be new brakes, my request. I've told him I would like a card. That's it. I don't have any expectations of him. I mention every day that Tuesday of next week is my birthday. I've clearly stated that I know that birthday are not a big deal to him but they are to me and I'm going to have fun and enjoy.

I'm thankful that I am where I am today. I've learned that it's ok to look back every once in a while but not ok to constantly dwell in the past. I love to remember, but I also want to look forward. I have lived (almost) 33 years and I have a feeling that the coming year will be the best on yet!!!