This week I struggled with the intense desire to verbally vomit all over social media. I was so very angry on Wednesday. How dare he! How dare you declare love while you have a girlfriend. How dare you try to convince me that I should give another chance when you have moved on. Most of all, how dare you make me the other woman when I am still married to you.
I took a screen shot of the status where he talked about going to the Christmas concert in Raleigh. I desperately wanted to post a picture of that alongside the most recent texts about how much he 'loves" me.
Fortunately I'm not that technically savvy at this point to know how to do a side by side picture like that. Fortunately I texted Patrice instead. Fortunately I went and worked out really hard at shake and tone and did my best to shake those white trash urges right on away.
I met Patrice last night for dinner and then we went to the women's Christmas event at the Concord church. On my way up to her house it was seriously as though every song on the radio was playing just for me. Then during worship the Lord was really speaking to my heart.
Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to Him are radiant their faces are never covered in shame."
Exodus 14;14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
He spoke to me about letting go, that this is not my battle to fight. There are a handful of women who I am friends with at the Concord church who are also friends of his on FB. I desperately wanted to speak strategically last night and make sure that they KNEW just what was going on. The Lord made me realize that it's not my job to inform everyone of what has happened. He doesn't want me talking about it.
Sure I could have made sure that I said something. I could have posted on FB vaguely yet pointedly, you know something like, I don't appreciate being made the other woman in someone else's relationship when I am still married to the person with the girlfriend, or something like that.
I write on here with the knowledge that this space is not easy to find. Sure I have people reading who I've never met but I don't link this account to any of my social media accounts. I have the blessed freedom to write in order to process. The really intense stuff I write privately.
I realized that part of my motivation in wanting to share is that I want to further validate my choice. I realize that at church, because I've said so little, it leaves me feeling like I need to justify. That question several weeks ago now about how D is doing. That made me defensive. I felt like I was left looking like I'm the one who was wrong. Realistically I know that this isn't the case but this divorce is not something I planned for myself. I'm thankful for where God has brought me, I'm thankful for what He has taught me, and I want to make sure that in everything I honor Him. So I have to listen to Him when He tells me that it's not my place to make sure that I let people know that even though D has a girlfriend he's still trying to convince me of his "true love".
I have to give this to God and let Him have it. I have 6 more weeks until I file for divorce. I went through counseling, I did everything that was required of me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right where God wants me to be.
Deuteronomy 1:30 "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes"
1 comment:
I don't think that your urge to want to spread your anger is a white trash urge at all - I think it is human nature to get angry and want to show others the reasons behind the decisions we've made. And I know this is a cliche thing to say, but I think it is a good sign that you feel so much anger right now because that is another step in the healing/acceptance process. I hope those feelings subside soon because I know they are not fun to have...
I am glad that God keeps giving you little signs that are instructing you on how to deal with this, though... Your faith is definitely the #1 thing that will get you through difficult circumstances like this.
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