Peace in the process

During lunch yesterday I was thinking about Audra. Patrice is currently experiencing challenges associated with a strong willed toddler. I was thinking back to when Audra was that age.

She had just turned 2 when I met her. She was still very much a baby and yet she seemed so much older to me. I know that I was cognizant that she was only 2 but I guess the gift of hind sight lets me see how little she was.

I went back and read about her 3rd birthday. I didn't write about what happened the night before. How out of control D was. How frustrated and upset I was with him. Working 2 jobs, plus dealing with D and having Audra every weekend I think perhaps this is why I was so overwhelmed with life!

I read a letter a mom wrote to her daughter's stepmom via FB. The letter was awesome. I fully and completely recognize how very fortunate I was and am that Amy was so good to me when I became a part of their lives.

I have always maintained that Amy and Audra were the easy part. I think as women when we take on the role of mom we all have our own ways of doing things. When you love a child and they hold your heart it's really hard to share that role and yet I was not ever, nor did I try to be mom. Yet I had to keep myself in check because sometimes I didn't always agree and that didn't mean that I had a right to criticize or necessarily share those opinions. I can look back and say I am thankful for how we worked together. I love Amy like a sister and I'm thankful that I had the chance to be Audra's step-mom.

I knew when I left that the hard part for me would be Audra. Fighting for a marriage that was so unhealthy and trying to make it work I know affected how I sometimes handled things with Audra and looking back that hurts me. I'm human, I can't change the past, and I have to acknowledge it and let it go. Audra knows how much I love her and I will do my best to continue to be a part of her life although in a much more removed way.

I'm thankful that I did write about life and that I can look back and remember. I can read between my lines and remember exactly what was going on. I did my best to keep my writing positive and to remember the fun weekends and things that we did. I can look back and see the memories that were created for Audra. I can also remember that I did everything I could to make my marriage work and ultimately when I finally made the decision to walk away I made the right decision.

I've questioned that choice to leave. I've wondered if I made the right decision. Yesterday in reading back over entries from early 2012 I have no doubts that I made the right choice. I've realized that for all the talk of change and everything being different by all of his actions Daron has only shown me the lack of true change and I can look back and read and understand that had I made the choice to go back the pattern would just continue to repeat.