New things

Today I've been thinking about what love is and what it's not.

Love is unconditional when it comes to the love I have for Jack Banner. Sure I get frustrated with him but he's my furbaby and I love him period end of story.

Parents generally love their kids. Yes there are challenges. Kids have personalities and thoughts and feelings and they have to grow and learn and become their own people and that can be difficult. Parents usually love their children to the best of their ability and do their best to not screw up these fantastic little people that they have created. It's said that children are your heart walking around outside your body and I can understand that to a point. I still feel like Audra is part mine and I would do anything for her.

I've been "in love". I loved D. I did the best I could with what I had and I fought so hard for my marriage. On the days when it seemed impossible I prayed that God would give me the love I needed and He did. God was always so faithful to give me exactly what I needed.

I wrote about how D had sent me a message on Monday trying to convince me that he "truly loves me". I had blocked him on FB and I went back today and checked his page after several weeks. He went to a Christmas concert with his girlfriend.

I am not saying that I would have considered going back to him in October. However, when I found out about the girlfriend and he was hoping for a glimmer of encouragement that would have been the time to cut all ties with the girlfriend.

When you "truly love" someone it means that you don't have a girlfriend.

It's taken me a really long time to understand this.

When it comes to love I've watched my grandparents. My Grandaddy was difficult, really difficult and my Grandmommy loved him. They were very much a team.

My parents make a team. It's not easy, they don't always agree, but they are a team. They love each other.

I've observed my friends who have good marriages. They don't have sunshine and rainbows all the time. There are stresses, complications, money worries, aggravations, and yet at the end of the day the friends who have good marriages have good marriages because they work together with their spouses and they are a team.

I have a few friends who don't have good marriages and my heart hurts for them. They struggle. There is very little teamwork. They constantly feel alone and at odds with the person that they chose to marry.

I've heard said that marriage is two imperfect people who are very good at forgiving each other. I think had I not married D and I had married a person who was a good guy I probably would not have appreciated him. I would have complained and vented and generally been my selfish self absorbed previous self about things.

I look back on stories and my life pre-marriage and a lot of times I just cringe.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NIV)

This scripture is used so often in weddings and it's beautiful. It's also so very true. When you really apply this to a marriage you have a winning formula.

When we were in pre-marriage counseling I asked the pastor who was marrying us what advice he would give us. He said to not be selfish. 

I googled images of true love. One of the true love sayings I did not agree with. It talked about giving up your happiness for someone elses. In theory this sounds romantic. In reality you better be really sure that you are able to give up your hopes and dreams for someone else.

I have friends who have made sacrifices in their marriages and they don't regret the sacrifices and they don't look back and think I wish I would have done xyz differently.

I can understand that sacrifices have to be made. I understand that you can't always be happy. I don't think that marriage is all about sunshine and rainbows. I never did. What I failed to factor in when I was in my desperate rush to get married were the obvious flags that this person might not be exactly whom they want you to think they are.

Today I have really struggled with containing the white trash woman on the inside who wants to post screen shots of texts and say nasty things. I contemplated sending a message to the girlfriend with all the messages I've received since October. I'm not mad that he's moved on, that actually makes me happy and relieved. I always get really furious about this kind of behavior because there is another woman involved who doesn't know me. She doesn't know that this jerk is being all charming and wonderful and he's trying to convince me that I'm the one he really wants. I won't send the messages because I believe it would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I was talking to Patrice about it and she said that as hard as all this is it's helpful to me in order for me to never ever ever question the decisions that I've made. It's hard to take the high road right now when there is a huge part of me that wants to just verbally vomit all over social media and make sure that everyone knows exactly who he is. Except if I do that, then I went to his level. I have been very careful what I share and I will continue to be very careful what I put out there for the world to see.

I want to continue moving forward and growing. I want to be the woman God is calling me to be. 

Sing to God a brand-new song. He’s made a world of wonders! He rolled up his sleeves, He set things right. Psalm 98:1(MSG)