Progress

Driving home last night I realized that it would be better for me to stay in then try and participate in my usual Tuesday night running around. I think the only way to fight this cold is rest.

Mr. Clean went to ballet class. It worked out really well because he was able to help Girl Clean put her shoes on for class. He was also able to talk to Amy and her fiancé and say congratulations. He asked if they had set a date yet, they haven't. We're thinking the wedding will come sooner rather then later.

When he got home we were talking. Something I realized last summer was that for all the head knowledge my husband had of the Bible and his seminary background he didn't seem to grasp how much God loved him.

I've mentioned a few times over the past few weeks the changes that I've seen. The progress that he and I have made; we have moments and I am thankful for the tools I have. I've been able to separate out the man from the disease. I've so clearly seen how God has worked and it is awe inspiring to me. It didn't happen over night. Clearly there have been some very difficult times. Yet through it all the situation was gradually changing.

Last summer I resorted to letter writing. I was so frustrated because I could see that he had no concept that it didn't matter what he had done God still loved him. God still has plans for him. I wrote letters and gave scripture reference and pretty much beat my husband over the head with words. This did not get us anywhere. Or maybe it did but everything else was so crazy I wouldn't have been able to see it.

As summer turned to fall I was still writing letters. I was still frustrated and still trying to change him. I started researching and trying to figure out what I could do to fix him. I had people praying. I had read books for me, and yet my focus was still trying to fix him. In my mind this was all his fault and all our problems were because of him.

Then in October I found a website and a message board where I learned about Al-Anon. They encouraged me to find a face to face meeting and it took 2 weeks but I finally did. I was ready to hear that it was ok for me to leave. That I had done everything I could and my solution was to just walk away. Except in Al-Anon no one tells you what to do. They tell you to keep coming back. They tell you about their experience and what worked for them. They tell you to take what you like and leave the rest.

Meanwhile life at home was in a strange place. While not the nightmare it had been from the summer before. It was still not ideal. As I learned about boundaries, and not accepting unacceptable behavior I slowly started to implement my boundaries. I started questioning my motives. I started reading and listening and gradually I started finding myself.

For YEARS I dated and dated and dated trying to find the (or a) guy to marry. I had a history of changing me to fit what I thought that they wanted. By the time Mr. Clean entered my life I was actually slowly starting to figure myself out. My marriage was the final push in direction of learning how to accept myself. In a meeting a few Tuesday's ago one of our members said Al-Anon gave me myself, and taught me how to love her. Truer words could not be spoken from my own mouth.

It was finding me that allowed me to make the call to walk away last March. I realized that I refused to accept the way things were any longer. I refused to tolerate being treated with anything less then dignity and respect. I can also say that because I had reached that place of understanding me, I was able to go back on my own time frame and no one else's.

Last night my husband was talking to me about how he's finally starting to understand that God really does love him. That for years he spent so much effort trying to work and earn God's acceptance and approval and he had it all along. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us first and because of His love we can love others. THIS. IS. HUGE!!! I was sitting there as he was telling me all this (and a lot more but I'm cutting to this part of the story) and I was silently saying prayers of absolute thanksgiving!

I think that there is a mistaken impression that we have to work for God's love. I know it's not just my husband who feels/felt this way. God is love and He loves. It's difficult for the world to understand this love because the church, largely, does not show this love. I know that there are churches that do but with so many church members throwing a list of thou shall nots in front of people the message is lost.

Instead of beating others over the head with rules that don't apply what happened to inviting someone to a meal. NOT to give a testimony but to share a meal. Instead of standing on a corner shouting scripture verses through a megaphone what about taking yourself to the homeless shelter and taking that time to serve a meal and show love.

If those who profess Christianity as their identity would strive to be Christ like to others then the world might be a little more ready to listen to what Christians have to say.