runaway train

Yesterday I got an email from my mom, you will never believe who I just ran into… was the subject. She ran into Kendall who I dated in 2008. He was on campus yesterday for a vendor fair of some sort. My mom never would have known who he was had he not stepped out and said “you’re Charis-Faith’s mom” and asked how I am. He made a point to tell my mom that he’s now in charge of 10 stores for his company and living in the Lake Norman area. When I dated him he was mayor of the little town where he lived and was managing 1 store.

Whenever I run into someone or in this situation my mom ran into someone immediately I remember the details. We dated from March 08 until September 08. I thought about the trips to his parents, the trips to the beach, the 4^th of July and the various events we attended together. He went with me to my cousin’s wedding in Gatlinburg and he paid my car insurance as my birthday present that year. In those days when my primary focus was finding someone to marry he was certainly meeting many of my ideas of what I was looking for.

We broke up because he is the one who believed that Adam and Eve and Noah and Jonah are just stories not actual events. He also was the one who responded to my question, what if someone held a gun to your head and told you to renounce Jesus, that he would and he would ask forgiveness later. Which points for honesty and I understand no one ever truly knows what they would do in that situation. For me I knew that I had to end the relationship. At the time he even said that I was being crazy because that would never happen here in the states…

After he and I broke up I dated the holy-roller from September 08 until December 08. 2009 I dated the guy Jason from Match, the guy from high school, and gave RS another chance and he cheated on me… I met S at the end of my 15K, found his name by his race time, FB stalked him, reached out to him via FB message, and ended up dating him from October 09 until June 2010.

S should have broken up with me but was too passive aggressive so when I broke up with him he called me a gold digger, it was lovely. I briefly talked to Josh again only to have him blow me off in September and I permanently shut the door on us ever dating again. I met Mr. Man in October and had, to that point in time, the best first date EVER! He dropped off the face of the earth after 2 weeks and despite the short time period totally broke my heart because there was just something about him!

My friend Paul came for a visit in December around the same time as I started talking to Seth. Seth took me to Vegas and I waited a few weeks after that trip to break up with him and then I met D. In looking back I can see exactly how and why I landed myself in my marriage. My personal life was a runaway train and the only way it was going to stop was for a wreck to happen. 

I’ve shared before that my marriage and the ensuing challenges shattered me and then God began the work of creating the new. Even before I left He was working on me. Ultimately he opened the door for me to leave permanently and gave me wisdom and discernment every step of the way. He won’t be finished with me until Jesus comes back but to me the most incredible part of this relationship with Him is how He allows us to be a part of His story.

I have a running list in my phone of prayer requests. I have friends reaching out to me asking me to pray. Before I got married I prayed occasionally but during and after I have learned how to pray. I know that faith and prayers change everything! With the upcoming women’s conference at church this week I can’t begin to explain how excited I am because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is going to show up, that His Spirit is going to move mightily!!! I’ve seen Him at work, I know it’s true, and I know that these coming few days are going to be incredible!!! I know that lives are going to be forever changed! It won’t just be a moment in an auditorium but rather a moment that impacts eternity!

5 Minutes

Inevitably these days I find myself a tiny bit overbooked… I don’t mean to but it happens. Last week I had a work call Tuesday at 6pm so I didn’t leave until after 7. Wednesday night I had a hair appointment after work. Thursday night I met up with a friend for dinner. I feel bad because she probably feels like I blow her off all the time and I don’t, I’m just crazy busy!

Friday night I was supposed to go see War Room with Patrice, Amy and A. I went a few weeks ago with my Mom and I LOVED it! I definitely was looking forward to seeing it again. I got a message from Patrice that she had to cancel and then a little while later I talked to Amy and she needed to cancel. Earlier that day I had gotten a message from Amy about Saturday. She wanted to know if I was available to spend the day with A. This is the first time since I left my ex-husband that she has asked me about helping like this although I’ve told her multiple times I am ALWAYS happy to help. I was so excited!

With Friday night’s plans cancelled I relaxed on the couch and gave Jack Banner the attention I know he’s been missing because I’ve been MIA this month. I was in bed early because I knew I was going to be up early. I made it to the gym Saturday morning and knocked out 3 miles. It was raining crazy hard and as I was leaving both feet were fully submerged in water. Fortunately this was after my run!

I got ready and went and picked A up from her mom. She and I had a movie date to see War Room just the 2 of us. A had been wanting to see it and for her it was super cool to see people that we knew and places that she is very familiar with. Both church and school were filmed in the movie along with Birkdale which is super close to her house.

After the movie I took the little fashionista to H&M. I let her pick out an outfit and she also picked out 2 shirts. They have the cutest kids clothes that and they are not crazy expensive! She enjoys looking at everything! I drove through Chick Fil A for her lunch and we went back to the house so she and Jack could see each other. He had to catch her up on everything! He was so excited to see her! She watched Life in the Barbie dream house and then it was time to take her back to her Mom.

I dropped her off at the store where her mom works, and oohed and aahed over the fabulous jewelry and beads, I love that store so much!!! Then I hopped in my car to drive back to South Charlotte because I had gotten another phone call Friday from the nursery coordinator at the Charlotte church asking if there was any way I could help. I had planned to actually attend the Saturday night service but I knew that the nursery coordinator really needed my help. Tiff was ok with it so I helped out with the toddlers on Saturday night. It was crazy busy and I was so tired by the time it was over! I met Tiff for dinner afterwards to catch up with her.

Sunday (yesterday) I had the 8 prayer service, I had 9 nursery and then the 11 service and then I met with my small group girls for lunch. I had 4 babies in nursery by myself. They did bring in an 8 year old to help me and as much as an 8 year old boy can be helpful he was and I was truly thankful for the extra set of hands! All 4 of the babies did so great so it worked out, it’s just a lot to have 4 without another adult!

After lunch I went home and fell asleep! It’s crazy how exhausting nursery is!

I did get some chores done and I gave Jack more quality attention. I’m so thankful I live with my parents and I know that Jack never lacks for love! It’s been awesome living with them!

This week is full but I have tried to keep it from being overbooked! I just want to make sure that I don’t feel exhausted going into the weekend. I have Patrice’s sister’s wedding to go to this weekend and I am so excited!

a mile in their shoes

During my FL trip I thoroughly enjoyed HGTV, Food Network and TLC. Friday afternoon while I was getting ready for the formal dinner I was watching Say Yes to the Dress until I started crying with some of the brides and I had to switch back to HGTV. I still love watching brides pick out the gown of their dreams!

Saturday afternoon before the dinner cruise we were in the room watching 4 weddings on TLC. I love this show! Patrice commented she couldn’t believe I still liked these shows and I was like, “why wouldn’t I”? I love all things wedding, even though I was so disconnected from my own wedding.

Before I ever met D I had said I didn’t really want a wedding, and I didn’t. I love all things wedding but the idea of dealing with all that previous to my own wedding held no appeal for me. Perhaps because my Mom had always had her own opinion of how it all would be. Perhaps because I didn’t have any sort of budget. There were a lot of factors that contributed to why I had no desire to plan a wedding. Then when I met D and we got engaged I was his 3^rd wedding. This just added more reasons to why I didn’t feel a wedding was necessary.

I’ve said this now a few times. I went into my marriage with no real expectations, other than that he would be nice to me. Apparently having no expectations was a recipe for disaster because oh my goodness that first year was such a nightmare!!! The following year and 8 months were not sunshine and rainbows either

There is so much that I have taken away from my experience that I wouldn’t have had I not made the choices that I made. My relationship with my Mom, because I learned how to communicate and establish gentle boundaries, is better than it ever has been! My appreciation for life and understanding that perception is 95% and a positive outlook makes everything better! My time in Al-Anon and all that I’ve learned. I haven’t been to a meeting since April but if I feel that I need to I know I can always go back.

I think the most incredible take away has been my relationship with the Heavenly Father. I’ve always professed Christianity as my faith. I grew up in private Christian schools. I’ve always understood Jesus died for my sins and God loves me. I’ve seen things that I’ve questioned in churches and certain practices that I don’t agree with. I quit going to church in college because I refused to be a hypocrite, but I still believed God loved me. I sporadically attended church through my 20’s because while I believed I still wanted to party and have fun and do my own thing.Turns out I can still go out, have fun, and not be a hypocrite.

I wanted to get married and I knew I had to marry someone who also professed Christianity as their faith because for me personally dating someone of a different faith would be way too complicated. I wouldn’t be able to respect their beliefs and feelings because I believe that God created the world, that Eve and Adam ate the apple, that Jesus had to die to reconcile us to God, that Jesus rose again on the third day, and that Jesus is coming again. I’ve always and will always maintain that I can be friends with anyone but marriage is different. Marriage is two people becoming one and when you are one it’s my belief you have to serve the same God.

Interestingly enough I married someone who knew scripture. Who professed Christianity. Who went to church most weeks. Who had been a pastor for 13 years. Who had spiritually abused his first wife. Who had cheated on said first wife, I didn’t find this out until after I met first wife last December. Who had a relationship that ended and then found out that there was going to be a baby. The baby arrived in January the divorce was final in March. He married another lady in August and she kicked him out in December. Why or how I was able to Pollyanna my way through all of this in looking back BLOWS ME AWAY!!! Clearly that underlying need to be the fixer overpowered any common sense. 

It has also been pointed out to me both by number one and by baby mama that my ex-husband is a master manipulator, con artist, and has a deadly charm and this all is very true. As I have still tried to wrap my brain around the situation with his ex-fiancé they have both reminded me how charming my ex can be. I have to remember that I lived the nightmare and if you haven’t lived through it then it’s really difficult to understand the magnitude of what he can be like.

I attended the Charlotte human trafficking round table meeting yesterday, Thursday 10/1. This round-table meets once a month to find out what is happening and talk about what’s working, what is not working, what is going to be happening, and making sure that most importantly victims don’t fall through the cracks or by the wayside. I attended the August meeting but the September meeting I had just started my job and I didn’t feel comfortable asking to go. During yesterday’s meeting we talked about human trafficking and the domestic violence factor. October is domestic violence awareness month.

The truth is when you’re in the midst of chaos and dysfunction your radar for acceptable and unacceptable becomes faulty. After I left I knew I was exhausted. I knew that I was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted. But for me it took distance to be able to understand that various situations that occurred had been abuse. I shared during the round table yesterday that when you’re in it, and when it’s happening, it’s your normal, so a person who is being trafficked has accepted this as their normal. That is why it’s so hard to rescue people from trafficking. Even once they are out the likelihood that they will go right back is very high.

Last year this is the time when I was dealing with my ex telling me that he loved me, that he hadn’t moved on, that he just needed one more chance, all the while dating and becoming engaged to someone else I kept praying for wisdom and discernment. I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment. I know that everything I’ve been through has brought me to the place where I am now. While my experience was very different then what a trafficked person goes through I do have the ability to understand that when you’re in it you can’t see it. I do have the ability to take a step back and let go of judgement. Even as I typed I realized the situation with his ex-fiance is one where I don’t know her story. I don’t know what her normal was. I don’t know what her ex-husband was like. It’s so important to remember that until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes it is so important to remember you don’t know the whole picture.

Stream of thought

Monday after work I ventured to the gym. I planned an easy strength training session since I wasn’t sure how my legs were going to do. I did arms, legs and abs. This was not anything crazy or difficult but by the time I was finishing up my crunches I thought I was going to throw up. I attributed it to still recovering. I’m so sore today that I’m not sure I was still recovering or I just didn’t know my own skills in putting together a toning workout.

Since Monday night’s session resulted in nausea I didn’t work out on Tuesday. I didn’t have to be at work until 10 because I had a later meeting. I slept in and eased around until I had to leave for work. I didn’t get home from work until 8 last night so I’m glad I had a little extra time during the morning!

I am so excited! After I got home I purchased plane tickets! I’m going to be able to go to my cousin’s wedding in CA. I haven’t been to CA since I was 13. All of my Dad’s brothers still live out there. To have the opportunity to connect with my West Coast family is really special, I follow everyone on social media but to actually spend time together is going to be amazing! I originally thought that there was no way I could go and I said as much to my mom. The following morning as I was getting ready I was praying and I had the impression I was supposed to go. So I looked up flights and currently they are affordable enough for me to go. A request for the time off, asking my friend to keep Jack for me, and making sure I had a place to stay all fell into place and so a plane ticket has been purchased!

This morning I was up early! I ran a mile and I did a mile on the elliptical. I’m crazy sore and I didn’t want to push too hard because I don’t want to create further issues for myself! Traffic on the way in, law have mercy! I know it could be worse, I know this, but it took an hour. Waze always gives an estimate when I first plug in the address and Waze is super optimistic every single time. I know to add 20-30 minutes in the morning to the estimated time of arrival.

My new nephew in High Point is being baptized this month and I needed a dress… Admittedly this was a want not a need, technically, regardless I found a fabulous green number on clearance at Dillards. I haven’t worn green in a while and I love this dress! 

I also found a blue Tahari number that I simply couldn’t leave behind. This one was also on clearance.

Tonight I'm getting my hair trimmed. I'm long overdue, I haven't had a trim since March!

Happy Wednesday!!!

FL trip, 90 days ending, back in the groove

This is the last week of September and I’m thankful! I’m thankful for the amazing trips! I’m thankful for my amazing friends! I’m thankful that this crazy month is wrapping up. I would not trade one trip or one memory and I realize I am beyond blessed! I’m also thankful that despite being full October is not a heavy travel month.

The month was not originally supposed to be that travel heavy but when Patrice called to tell me that she was being flown down to FL for the Medi convention and that she could bring a guest and she wanted me to come I simply could not say no. I didn’t have to pay for the flight or the hotel. I was a guest at the formal banquet and the dinner cruise. Breakfast and lunch were provided on Saturday. And the best part of all was a weekend away with my friend, it was an amazing and wonderful time!

I mentioned last week that sun poisoning is painful and no joke. The swelling in my legs and feet was a little scary! I was concerned about my shoes for Friday night because if my feet were still swollen they were not going to fit.

Wednesday night I picked up my amazing jewelry set from my friend Amy. She saw a picture of my dress and immediately offered to make the jewelry for me. I was delighted with how it all turned out!

Thursday morning I was up early to pack. I left for the airport and arrived shortly before Patrice. We got everything checked in and made our way through security. Coffee was absolutely necessary and we got our fix at Starbucks. We landed in Tampa and ubered to our hotel. I downloaded the app right before we left Charlotte and we found it to be the coolest thing ever! So convenient and easy!

Once we checked in to the hotel we made our way to dinner. We ate at a Cuban restaurant called the Columbian that had amazing food! We each had a salad that was fantastic! I had a cup of Spanish bean soup that was delicious and we split the Cuban which was awesome!!! This trip officially ended my 90 days no sweets no whites (no white bread, pasta, crackers, etc) and so Thursday night I celebrated with a cookie, I was so full from dinner that a cookie was the extent of my celebration.

Friday morning one of my heart quest sisters picked me up. We took her two littlest to a close by playground and they enjoyed playing while she and I caught up with each other. It was so good to see her and hear what God is doing and it’s so awesome to have that opportunity to catch up and give hugs! FB and social media are great but when you get to see someone face to face it’s always special! I will say this, FL is hot! I just experienced an incredibly hot summer in Charlotte and honestly it never bothered me. I could walk outside and stand and not sweat even when it was crazy hot. Florida is a whole other level!

After we said goodbye I went back up to the room and hung out. Patrice had to be ready by 2 so before she went to that we grabbed a bite to eat at the sports bar restaurant that was in the hotel. Where we stayed there were 3 places to eat a fancy restaurant, a sports bar a casual (but expensive) café type place and then they also had a bar in the lobby.

Friday night we had the formal dinner. Patrice had a gorgeous, stunning, gold sequin dress that was by Ralph Lauren. She was handing out awards at the dinner. She looked fabulous!!! I bought my dress on my birthday. It’s a strapless ball gown that had a pattern print underneath with a tulle net overlay by Faviana. My friend Amy made the jewelry that was absolutely perfect with it! She is such an incredible artist!

I was there to help if she needed me, hold her purse, and basically for me it was a free meal and I talked to the people at my table and had a wine glass that never went empty. I had to make sure that I drank more water than wine, which I did. The wait staff did an awesome job making sure that everyone was taken care of. After dinner we went to the lobby bar and had a glass of wine and talked to people. Patrice is on the marketing material that a lot of offices use so everyone wanted to meet her and talk to her and get to know her.

Saturday morning we enjoyed breakfast, the eggs were amazing! It was a buffet style breakfast and there was plenty! I made sure that I enjoyed every last bite of the pastry, I wished they had had cinnamon rolls! After breakfast we went to the pool and hung out until lunch time. Lunch was served buffet style and they did an awesome job! The desserts were little so I made sure I tried one of each! I also enjoyed a piece of bread and a bread stick!

Saturday evening we had a dinner cruise. Oh my gosh it was so beautiful on the water!!! Not only that, BUT THE FOOD!!!! It was all so good! We were given drink tickets when we got on the boat so that was 2 drinks each but the wine Patrice was drinking she had to purchase so that was additional tickets for me and even still we ended up with a leftover drink ticket. I couldn’t find the tickets so I purchased a drink and then we were offered drinks at one point and of course we accepted.

They passed the desserts hor ‘doeuvre’s style. I managed to snag a brownie bite and a chocolate covered strawberry, much to my disappointment that was the extent of my sweet treats. I was still full from dinner so I suppose it worked out. As we were exiting the boat they did have hot fresh chocolate chip cookies and I did thoroughly enjoy that! We went to the lobby bar for a drink, we talked to people and then made our exit. 

We enjoyed breakfast Sunday morning and then packed up and headed to the airport. I dropped Patrice off with her family and by this time it was after 4. I was craving both sushi and pizza so I stopped by Harris Teeter to enjoy both. I also picked up a coconut crème filled Russell Stover chocolate pumpkin. I went home and I enjoyed every last bite and then a little while later I enjoyed a bloody mary!

This morning and for the next 12 days I won’t be having sweets, alcohol, no bread of any kind, no meat including no fish or eggs, and no dairy. I’m happy to do this, I’m not complaining and I won’t be talking about it or posting about it via social media. I didn’t want to feel unnecessary temptation during this time because I hadn’t properly prepared. I understood what I was beginning this today, and since my 90 day no sweets no white was ending immediately before I started this I made sure that I dealt with as much of what I had been missing as possible so I can focus as I need to for the next 12 days.

This week I have to get back in the workout groove. All last week I had to give my legs time to heal. I’m not looking forward to my return to the gym. I know it’s going to hurt!

5 minutes

I mentioned that I had a horrific sunburn because of my trip to the beach… Said sunburn is more like sun poisoning. Monday my legs swelled more than Sunday. Yesterday if I didn’t keep my feet up I would swell, and even now I have cankles. I’ll never be pregnant but I can say I have experienced cankles. I had no idea that they hurt.

I met Tiff for dinner last night and I didn’t keep my feet elevated. I went to stand up and it was ridiculous, my cankles looked like a pregnant lady’s. I tried to walk and I could shuffle. I don’t have good legs anyways so with my legs being swollen right now, yuck!!! It’s a really good thing I own several pairs of palazzo pants and a whole bunch of maxi dresses and skirts!

I have been doing the smoothies this week… one for breakfast, one for lunch and then dinner. I have protein powder. Yesterday at GNC I bought this other powder that is supposed to help suppress the appetite. One scoop didn’t really cut it so I’ve used two, marginally better. I’m trying to remember why I want to lose weight because at this point I’m really over it! I think PMS is a factor. Add to that the legs and officially we’re going to say this is just not my week.

Understandably these are first world problems. I recognize I’m blessed to have gone to the beach. I recognize I’m in that week of hormonal swings and aggravation. I have not been able to shave my legs since Saturday. I shave every day, every day, so right now, not being able to, oh my gosh it’s awful!!! (sorry TMI I’m sure)

Today for lunch I really (add that word a few times) wanted sushi! I thought about it long and hard! I have to get on a plane tomorrow. I’m already dealing with swollen legs. The idea of what might happen if I add way too much sodium from soy sauce to my already swollen legs plus airplane, I opted to wait on the sushi. The berry smoothie didn’t quite do anything for me but it was healthy… Since I’m not able to work out right now I really do need to be watching the food intake.

So far I’ve determined peanut butter and berry is not a good combo. Chocolate (dark chocolate almond milk), banana, peanut butter and spinach is a good combo. I just have to ignore the slightly green color. At lunch time I add Greek yogurt which is helpful in keeping me full longer. I was planning to start a Daniel fast for 2 weeks this coming Monday so I’m getting a little bit of a jump start on it. I’ll definitely be enjoying food while in FL so when I get back I’ll be ready to go!

I’ve been at my new job a month and 5 days. It’s a different pace and I really appreciate it! I’ve adjusted to traffic, it’s always going to be difficult I just accept it. If I can maintain the traffic acceptance and manage to avoid the drivers who can’t drive all will be good!

Today is my Friday, I am so excited!!!

for the grace

I find it interesting how often it hits me that I am so thankful! Every time I sign my last name, I’m thankful! Every time I travel to see a girlfriend, I’m thankful! Every time I see something on FB that reminds me of my really awful marriage, I’m thankful!

I know that during my marriage there were times that were not awful. I know that I made the best of a situation that was a challenge. I know that I can look back and say that the pattern repeated, and repeated, and by the time I left I had all the evidence that I needed that the pattern was only going to continue. Do I believe in miracles, absolutely! I believe that God does amazing things! I believe that if my ex would submit and fully surrender and get out of God’s way the outcome would be truly beyond anything I could imagine. The truth is that I still pray for that outcome for his daughter. I want her to have a Dad who is a much better man then her current Dad.

The subject of my marriage still comes up fairly often because it’s all been so recent. I can easily forget that it’s only been 5.5 months since the divorce finalized. When I drove up to VA to visit Jess I thought about what was going on November 2014 the last time I had driven up to visit. I had found out in October 2014 that D was seriously dating someone. I had known all along that it would happen but the reality of it and the pain of it I did not expect. Then because he lied to me, repeatedly, and he was lying to the woman he was with it created this whole other dimension of feelings and emotions. Namely absolute and utter disgust. How could have I ever, how did I not see, did he cheat on me the whole time, and the list of thoughts and feelings resulting from his continued attempts to win me back while lying while seriously dating and ultimately becoming engaged to someone else became more of a challenge to move past then all the initial reasons why I left.

I know his first wife was married to him for long enough that she saw all of the things that I list before leaving, and I saw some before but even more after. She will tell you she stayed too long. I had the benefit of journaling and finding Al-Anon early on. I will always feel that I stayed the exact correct amount of time. I sought the Lord wholeheartedly and He answered me and at just the right time He delivered me.

I’m thankful for the work that God has done in my life. I’m thankful that I’m not where I was. I still find myself offering up a prayer of thanks that I’m not married, that I’m no longer in that situation, that I’ve been set free. I think sometimes, because I have come so far, I get a little frustrated when something still flashes me back, or I have a moment that’s a sheer rush of hatred because a memory hits me. I take the thought captive immediately, I don’t dwell on it. I acknowledge that it did happen. I acknowledge that I felt whatever it was that I felt.

For a long time I was so confused at the absolute peace I felt on my wedding day. There was chaos all around me. There were tense situations between D and everyone else. I knew that I was marrying exactly who I was supposed to that day. I’ve questioned why I accepted things with D that were reasons I broke up with others before him. I’ve come to realize that while God didn’t cause my marriage and while God is always good and always faithful He does allow us to walk through intense challenges. I don’t think he caused the abuse, nor do I think that anyone who is in an abusive situation should stay, I know that He used it in a way that only He can do.

I know that before I got married I tended to be judgmental and at times snarky and often unreasonable. Not always but often enough. I had certain opinions and beliefs and I usually felt, even if I never said it, that I was right. Now, now more often than not the thought I have is “There but for the grace of God there go I”. Meaning I understand now, as I never have before, that I’m only where I am because of God’s grace. I don’t ever want to forget where I’ve been because I recognize that in order to avoid repeating the past I have to learn from it and use it to help guide me for the future.