for the grace

I find it interesting how often it hits me that I am so thankful! Every time I sign my last name, I’m thankful! Every time I travel to see a girlfriend, I’m thankful! Every time I see something on FB that reminds me of my really awful marriage, I’m thankful!

I know that during my marriage there were times that were not awful. I know that I made the best of a situation that was a challenge. I know that I can look back and say that the pattern repeated, and repeated, and by the time I left I had all the evidence that I needed that the pattern was only going to continue. Do I believe in miracles, absolutely! I believe that God does amazing things! I believe that if my ex would submit and fully surrender and get out of God’s way the outcome would be truly beyond anything I could imagine. The truth is that I still pray for that outcome for his daughter. I want her to have a Dad who is a much better man then her current Dad.

The subject of my marriage still comes up fairly often because it’s all been so recent. I can easily forget that it’s only been 5.5 months since the divorce finalized. When I drove up to VA to visit Jess I thought about what was going on November 2014 the last time I had driven up to visit. I had found out in October 2014 that D was seriously dating someone. I had known all along that it would happen but the reality of it and the pain of it I did not expect. Then because he lied to me, repeatedly, and he was lying to the woman he was with it created this whole other dimension of feelings and emotions. Namely absolute and utter disgust. How could have I ever, how did I not see, did he cheat on me the whole time, and the list of thoughts and feelings resulting from his continued attempts to win me back while lying while seriously dating and ultimately becoming engaged to someone else became more of a challenge to move past then all the initial reasons why I left.

I know his first wife was married to him for long enough that she saw all of the things that I list before leaving, and I saw some before but even more after. She will tell you she stayed too long. I had the benefit of journaling and finding Al-Anon early on. I will always feel that I stayed the exact correct amount of time. I sought the Lord wholeheartedly and He answered me and at just the right time He delivered me.

I’m thankful for the work that God has done in my life. I’m thankful that I’m not where I was. I still find myself offering up a prayer of thanks that I’m not married, that I’m no longer in that situation, that I’ve been set free. I think sometimes, because I have come so far, I get a little frustrated when something still flashes me back, or I have a moment that’s a sheer rush of hatred because a memory hits me. I take the thought captive immediately, I don’t dwell on it. I acknowledge that it did happen. I acknowledge that I felt whatever it was that I felt.

For a long time I was so confused at the absolute peace I felt on my wedding day. There was chaos all around me. There were tense situations between D and everyone else. I knew that I was marrying exactly who I was supposed to that day. I’ve questioned why I accepted things with D that were reasons I broke up with others before him. I’ve come to realize that while God didn’t cause my marriage and while God is always good and always faithful He does allow us to walk through intense challenges. I don’t think he caused the abuse, nor do I think that anyone who is in an abusive situation should stay, I know that He used it in a way that only He can do.

I know that before I got married I tended to be judgmental and at times snarky and often unreasonable. Not always but often enough. I had certain opinions and beliefs and I usually felt, even if I never said it, that I was right. Now, now more often than not the thought I have is “There but for the grace of God there go I”. Meaning I understand now, as I never have before, that I’m only where I am because of God’s grace. I don’t ever want to forget where I’ve been because I recognize that in order to avoid repeating the past I have to learn from it and use it to help guide me for the future.

When the healing begins

I find myself in a place where I've never been before and it's unexpected. I made the choice to walk out of my marriage and I chose to meet with the pastor and the counselor and I was willing to go back, provided that there was true heart change, and true growth on the part of D.

I had so many flags before I got married but I ignored them all believing that as long as we put God first everything else would just fall into place. I put God first, I went to Al-anon, I tried so hard! Ultimately it came down to accepting that I could not continue to live in the spiral of active alcoholism.

I learned early on that his drinking had nothing to do with me. I learned early on that nothing I said or did would change what he was or was not going to do. I had been in and out of so many relationships and I knew that I had the opportunity to stay put and figure me out and fight for my marriage and I did that. I watch people get married, and get engaged and it makes me happy because I believe that marriage can be a wonderful thing! I just know that my marriage was not.

Within hours of saying I do I came to realize that I had married someone who could be very charming but who was inherently very mean. Rarely in the 2 1/2 years that I was married did I have peace, and those times of peace came while I was away, but I knew when I got back I would pay for the fact that I had gone away. Not physically, there was no physical abuse, but there was the verbal and there were enough times that the verbal was so bad that I left the house because I was concerned for my safety. I ultimately hit that place where I was tired of having to pray protection over myself from my husband.

As we sat in the room for the joint counseling session where the parameters were outlined and D argued with the counselor regarding the 90 AA meetings in 90 days I so badly wanted to just walk out and say forget it I'm done. But I was willing to take a chance and just see what might happen. He sent texts of love and commitment that were anything but. He posted on FB about how he was truly changed and I was in the wrong because I walked away. He did everything he could think of to try and manipulate the situation in order that I would come back. My biggest prayer, then and now, is for wisdom and discernment.

It's hard for me to accept that it was all so broken that I can't go back. I look at the facts, and I understand rationally that I won't go back. I loved him, truly, and wholeheartedly, despite the verbal garbage, and I recognize that this is evidence of an unhealthiness in me that I have been working on as I have been faithfully attending my al-anon meetings. To be drawn to so many who dealt with addiction issues is certainly a signal that perhaps I need to fix some things with me.

I always recognized that unless something is really really horribly wrong I don't have an appreciation for the good. Case in point my job. The job previous to this one had moments when I contemplated driving off the bridge on my way to work in the mornings. When I landed my current job I can not begin to explain the gratitude and relief that I felt. I do not have the perfect job, there are very stressful things, it can be a very negative environment in the department that I moved up to, and yet I am thankful for everyday that I wake up and go to the office and I have a job that pays me amazingly well and makes sense to me.

So I have to look at my marriage and recognize that maybe if I had had it awesome and amazing from the start I might not have appreciated it. I might have nit picked and nagged, and nothing would ever have been good enough for me because I deserve xy and z.

I look at where I am now and there are days when I feel very overwhelmed by the fact that I made the choices that landed me in a lawyers office drafting a separation agreement. I will be filing for divorce on February 4, 2015. I looked at my wedding pictures recently and I think of how incredibly happy I looked, and how before the week was up I would find that I was living in hell.

I can't say that I want to go back to the girl in the pictures and tell her everything I know now. That woman would have laughed and brushed it off and said oh no, we'll be fine. That woman had a lot of wonderful qualities but she rarely failed at anything and she believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would not fail at her marriage. This woman today realizes that in life you will sometimes fail but it doesn't make you a failure it allows you to grow.

I observed very carefully as D and I went through the process of counseling how he handled things. I checked his facebook occasionally. I listened to the stories that Amy would tell me. I ran into the woman who he had been talking to on the phone. I had him show up at a race. I had a very long email from him trying to convince me to pray with him regarding something going on with the counselor that we had worked with. Each of those times simply re-affirmed the choice that I have made. The latest affirmation that I am doing the right thing is the post in which he shared that he will be starting a church. The fact that the story told to Amy is different from the FB post shows that it's just not possible for him to be completely honest he must always spin the story to fit the situation.

I am thankful that he has chosen to leave the Concord church, it means that I can go back. As for the church he will start, I give that to God. It's quite honestly non of my business. From a recovery standpoint I would think that focusing on the first year of sobriety and recovery would be the very best idea, but again, it's not my business. I know that he is looking to date again, that is his business. I hope that he finds someone who is good to Audra.

I am focused on moving forward and seeking the Lord. My condo is going to be rented out for another year. My tenants gave notice and I talked to my parents and they agreed to let me stay for another year for safety reasons. Not that I think D would do anything but quite honestly I just don't know and I read way too many stories and so I am going to stay. I'm going to focus on aggressively paying down debt. I've actually paid down quite a bit, and I'm thankful that I have, but I have more to go.

I know that I'm in the next chapter and while this particular chapter is going to be a short one, they year of leaving my marriage, it's going to lead to another wonderful chapter. I believe that God is faithful. I look at everything that has happened and how the details have worked out and I am so thankful! I don't want to wish any of this away because time is already moving so fast!

Closing the chapter

When I said I do I meant every word that I said as I read my vows. I promised to love, to forgive, to support.

It's incredibly easy to vilify someone in writing because they don't have the opportunity to share their side of the story and there are always two sides to every story!

I've written about how challenging I found marriage to be. I got married anticipating that it might not be easy but I could figure it out as I went along. I was moving into a place without a lot of closet space so I sold or donated my clothing and shoes that did not fit.

I accepted that pictures of family would just have to be relegated to the digital frame instead of hung up all over the way that I had done at my condo.

I scheduled my calendar carefully trying to make sure that I didn't book too many things back to back and I wasn't out of town too often.

I forgave, and tried to let go of the offense, love keeps no records of wrong. I grew up hearing that you never threaten divorce and it's never an option. I grew up hearing that you fight for marriage, you don't just give up.

Then I found myself praying for death because I didn't believe in divorce and I was married and it was awful.

I started reading every book that I could about marriage. I found Al-Anon. I sought pastoral counseling. Sometimes things were fine but every few weeks they weren't. I would do something like fix a sandwich incorrectly, my sandwich mind you or I would say something that was taken the wrong way and I had suddenly insulted his job.

Last summer was so tumultuous that I found a counselor and started going to see her. She kept reminding me that sometimes you just have to walk away. I kept pointing out that there were so many variables that it wasn't as easy as just walking away.

There are so many stories that I have not written out. It truly wouldn't be fair. Suffice to say when the final straw came it was enough that I knew that I was absolutely done. Instead of praying about whether or not I should leave my prayer was if you don't want me to leave shut every door otherwise I'm walking through them.

I knew from past experience that it would take planning on my part. I also knew that I had to really take the time to pray and give the doors time to shut if they were going to. No doors shut. I started making my plans.

I met with a lawyer. I arranged for a moving truck and movers. I scheduled the necessary days off of work. I slowly started sharing with close friends what was going to happen.

For so many years my, "be all end all" was to get married. Yet I never realized just how full my life already was. It took marrying someone who wanted to isolate me from all that and take all that away from me for me to realize that I am a very blessed individual. The overwhelming amount of support and love that I have received has made me realize how incredibly full my life is.

Yesterday morning I woke up and prepared for work as normal. I left the house at my normal time. Instead of driving to the office I drove to my parents' house. I wrote a letter. My mom and I left the house and drove to my house to start packing up my things.

My Dad met the movers at the Uhaul place and they all drove up to Concord. My friend Nicole arrived. My mom's friend who directed my wedding and her husband arrived. My Dad and the movers arrived. We packed up my things and headed back to Charlotte.

I secured a storage unit in January and we moved most of my things into that. I kept my clothes shoes and that type stuff for my room at my parents' house. In a matter of a few hours everything was done. Jack Banner is adjusting. He is still not sure what has happened but he is happy to be at the Grandparents!

falling into place

I was recently thinking about my marriage. No secret that it hasn't been easy. I've had my share of moments questioning it all.

If I'm really honest it was the best thing that could have happened for me. For the girl whose life was a revolving door of relationships and who found more ways to focus on the negative than the positive marrying way too quickly and suddenly finding myself in a crazy chaos brought me to an uncomfortable place. Suddenly I couldn't fall back on my old habit of just walking away, I had promised he was stuck with me, although I realized that promise might just have to be broken if things didn't change.

If I look at my relationships past and I'm once again completely honest I would have likely found lots of nit-picky things to gripe about. I used to do that about my jobs, until I worked at the job from 2007-2009 and came to understand a few things about life and work. Once I started with my current company suddenly the things that I might have whined about before I had come to realize how very very blessed I was to have the opportunity and instead I focused on other things.

In order to prepare for my first counseling session I went back over the past 2 years' worth of writing. I realized that all along I thought things were getting better and yet in reading it was hard to tell the improvement. Yes D has had to make changes. Yes God has definitely moved mountains and I'm in awe of all that He has done. I have realized that the factor He has changed most over the past 2 1/2 years is me. I've done a lot of praying. I've cried a lot of tears. My prayer has been that He would make me into the woman that He wants me to be. All along God has been faithful, and all along He has been changing me.

I was able to attend the women's conference last week at church. It was a powerful time of worship and teaching. I have been so blessed that God already had Daron at this church before he met me and we have been a part of our church from the very start.

I heard a song in November 2011 by Sanctus Real titled "Whatever You're Doing" The chorus to the song is

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

This song struck such a chord with me then, and I heard it Saturday leaving the last session of the women's conference. I realized the truth of these lyrics for me even more now than when I first heard it. For me it has been so amazing to watch the pieces falling into place and realize that what felt like so much chaos is actually something Heavenly.

Wouldn't Change a Thing

Had a picture in my head
How I thought it all would go
But who showed up instead
Turns out you never know
Love will steal you by surprise
And take your heart just like a thief
Love can bring can bring a stubborn man Down to one knee

Chorus:
And I wouldn't change a thing
It's perfectly imperfect
So crazy but it's worth it
And I'm wrapped around you like this ring And something tells me that even if I could I wouldn't change a thing


Love will show you what you lack
Love will laugh at all your plans
And if your heart won't give it back
Love will slip right through your hands
But heaven knows we've had our share
Of days we'd rather leave behind
Oh but love don't really seem to care
It makes the wrong turns right

Bridge:
I'm truly, deeply, madly, completely
Devoted, every moment, 'til my last breath I'm yours


Got a picture in my head of a hundred years from now
When all our lines have all been read
And we're both up there looking down

Wouldn't Change a Thing - Matthew West

I've talked about this song often. I love it more today than the first time I heard Stephanie play it for me on that Friday before the wedding. I thanked her when I saw her at Patrice's L's baptism. I told her I had no idea how prophetic it would turn out to be.

The past 2 years have been challenging and not always smooth but it has all been worth it. I can't say it enough. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have chosen these challenges, I wouldn't have willingly faced all that has happened. But God knew way better than me what I needed in order to grow.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

2 years is fast approaching

2 years ago this week everything was being finalized for my wedding.  While in general I think that time goes by in a blink this aspect of my life has actually, at times, felt a lot longer than 2 years.

I didn't expect it to be easy. I knew that there were going to be challenges. I had spent so many years self-analyzing asking the question what was wrong with me, but I just kept repeating my familiar patterns. Date, break up, repeat, ask what's wrong with me, start dating someone new, break up, well y'all have been reading long enough to recognize this.

I don't like confrontation. I don't like arguing. The flip side is I also don't like to be told what I'm thinking. I don't deal with someone trying to control me. I have learned that I can't always have things my way, and I have to sometimes be willing to compromise. I've also learned how to keep some things to myself and I realize that when it comes to married life I don’t have to share the details. Marriage is different for every couple and no two marriages are ever going to look alike. The choices that I've made have been the right choices for me, but I've had to learn myself in order to make the right choices.

The greatest gift that my marriage has given me is the gift of my own identity. This sounds odd perhaps? For me I spent so many years trying to be what I thought I should be. I tried to fit whatever image I had in my head was the right one, instead of just learning to be myself. I got married and I felt like I was in the midst of a really cruel joke. Suddenly I was facing a situation that wasn't pleasant, wasn't fun, and certainly wasn't what I had ever pictured. I felt sorry for myself for a minute. I started praying for direction, and found my way to Al-Anon, not the same as AA although I know it sounds similar. Years of asking the question what is wrong with me? I finally started figuring out the answer thanks to a program that is honest, and taught me how to evaluate and grow me.

I've learned that just because someone else's life looks ideal, I don't know the hard parts of their story. I can think about what I might do in someone else's shoes but I have no right to share that opinion with them unless they ask, and even if they do I might need to ask more questions so that they have more time to think.

As the first year came to a close last year I was honestly in awe that we made it. There had been so many lows, and so many challenges, it's by God's grace that we made it. There were good times too, but the challenges were mountains. I serve a God who moves mountains!

I was able to quit dreading whenever the 11th of the month would roll around. I learned how to pray hard when it came to situations where I could see the spiral starting. I can't explain how many times I cried out for help, and help was immediately given. As March 18th of this year approached I was so fearful. If the past was an indicator then I knew the day might hold a huge fight, it was the one year mark of when I had left for 2 weeks. The day passed and came to a close with no drama. The next day was the 2 year anniversary of our proposal and he brought me flowers.

There have been and there are fights, but they are not battles. There are conversations that make me want to cover my ears and go "lalalalalalala" because they are so ridiculous or so aggravating. Instead I do my best to just let it go.

I am so thankful for the life that I have. I look back and I see God's hand in the details. I'm praying still. I believe that further changes are still coming. I'm not going to lie there have been times when I had intense conversations with the Father over the fact that I was DONE and surely this wasn't part of His plan for me. November 2012 I was driving to visit a friend and praying and I knew that I was and am right where I am supposed to be. He continues to confirm this with every conversation I've had with Him since then.

His answer has never changed; He's not through with us yet. He is my refuge and strength when times are difficult and when I am weak it's when His strength is so clear. No matter the situation, the really good stuff, and the really challenging, He is always good. He is always faithful. His love is ever present. I find that the more I walk in His will the more joy I find, no matter what the circumstances might be that day.

Choices

Last week in my Tuesday night meeting before the meeting started we were talking about App State where I graduated from college. One of the other ladies in my group also graduated from there, and that's where she met her husband. She said she met him in a bar but back then thought nothing of it.

I laughed because that's just one of the ways you met people in college. Then I realized that while I didn't meet Josh in a bar he did have a pending DUI charge against him and it didn't occur to me that this might be a flag.

Not only that but he would end up with another one while still in school. While I can say that it is a party culture that doesn't really excuse the offense. There are lots of students, including myself, who made it through my time there without this on my record. Of course I walked most places so it wasn't really something I had to worry about.

Fast forward to when I graduated from college and was out with my friend Margaret and met the guy who was facing charges for drug trafficking, and yet again this was not a flag to me. He was a nice guy, cute, I liked him. Why would I really want to date someone who is facing jail time and actually did have to report in on the weekends? I went out with him for a few weeks, I don't even remember how that one ended but I think it had something to do with Rick coming back in my life.

Oh yes the infamous Rick. I met him when I was a Junior during spring semester. He had been at App long enough to pledge and join a fraternity and then flunked out. He was up on spring break from UNCC and hanging out with his brothers, and I thought he was just the hottest guy ever. I took him to a date function, and saw him one more time the following fall while I was still in school. At his spring formal he hooked up with my roommate.

I ran into Rick one January night in 2002. We went to lunch the next day. He was preparing to move out of the house he had purchased with his fiancé.

I got him a part time job at the same restaurant where I was working. I thought he was just "misunderstood" or some such BS that I told myself about bad boys.

I cut him loose when it was clear that he just wanted to be friends and I could not handle just friendship. He came back into my life about the same time that he revealed that he and his upstairs neighbor had been hooking up and she was pregnant. He told me the news and it literally felt like a baseball bat to my stomach.

One August day at work I was bored, this was when I was a receptionist for the staffing agency, and I was perusing match dot com. I saw a guy I thought was super nice, and his profile was very well written so I signed up for match just to contact him, his name was Andy.

Andy was turning 30 in October and he was from a really great family. We did click, and then I found out that he was a pothead and that didn't go over well with me. He was also really selfish and self-centered and even my 23 year old self knew that he was very all about himself. Of course so I was I probably.

Andy and I dated from August until October. He turned 30 on October 13 and we broke up shortly after that. We broke up because Rick told me that he loved me. I took Rick out for his birthday in November and that night he met another girl when we were out…

He married April the following May. His son was born in February 2003. The baby mama disappeared and he had no idea where they were but eventually he found them, or so the story goes. Rick liked alcohol and drugs, and I knew this about him too.

Not only did I allow these guys into my life, but for Josh and Rick they played recurring roles.

There are others. I can't forget about the alcoholic I went to Charleston with and found my own way home. There was the cocaine addict who was crazy and played me like a yo-yo who I finally had to change my number in order to get away from him, but I was the one who kept responding to him when he would contact me on match, because while I might be smart about some things, I can't claim that I made great choices with that one.

While I dated those who were not alcoholics or had substance addictions, I can also list all the ones who didn't have these traits, so I was an equal opportunity dater… or something like that.

For most people that I come in contact with I usually accept them for who they are. I'm not a big person for trying to change someone. You are who you are.

I knew about my husband's past before I agreed to marry him. There were factors I didn't realize, that I would face immediately after the wedding. His past has never been my issue; it has been the current that I've had to learn how to navigate.

It's said that you don't marry someone planning to change them. I didn't but I ended up with someone who was trying to change me. I'm an advocate for adapting, and compromising, and pulling your weight. Those are all positives! I had to find my backbone, and I had to learn how to push back.

When I said I do on my wedding day I loved Daron. He truly did his best to destroy that in the weeks following our marriage. I grew up always hearing that divorce wasn't an option, but for me it became a very real possibility. I had plenty of people letting me know that it was perfectly acceptable to walk away, and I can understand why I would have made that choice. Why others in a situation similar to mine would have made that choice, and they would have been well within their rights to make that decision.

I realized that I had a history of walking away. I realized that I needed to figure out why I kept repeating the same patterns. I needed to understand why I had finally married the culmination of all the negative traits of the guys that I had dated before I got married.

I put timelines in place. I said if things were not better by this date, and this date, that I would leave. When Jack bit Daron in October 2011 I held my ground and refused to back down, we brought in a trainer. When I left in March 2012 it was because I could no longer continue with the pattern of 2 weeks peace followed by a huge blow out fight, that's not how life is supposed to be lived.

I had someone ask me in November 2011 if I stayed because I loved him or if I stayed because it was what I was supposed to do, and at that point the answer was because it was what I was supposed to do. Up until March 18, 2012 I was praying, and trying, and finally I walked away.

In the 2 weeks that followed every devotional I read, and several songs that I heard, all let me know that it was not over. That God wasn't done with my marriage and I needed to go back and hold Daron to the promises that he was making.

There have been other situations to come up since I left in 2012 and returned. I have always heard that you don't play the "I'm leaving" card to get your way. For me I don't, I say it when I truly mean it. For me it's holding my ground on plans with family and friends, respecting my job, and while it's been a really long time since I've had to stay firm on this one Jack.

I know that because I held my ground, my dog and my husband get along. I know that because I've learned how to push back we've been able to move so far forward. I made the choices that were right for me. I think when faced with a situation like what I was facing, you have to really be willing to stop and evaluate. I had to be willing to pay attention to what God wanted to show me. I had to give up plan B in favor of accepting the path that is narrower and not always clear. I had to figure myself out, in order to understand the best choices for me. Patrice recently asked me if I was doing something different with my makeup because each time she has seen me she says that I glow. I told her that it comes from the inner peace that I have. That glow isn't from makeup, it's from knowing that my identity comes from the Heavenly Father who made me. It's a glow of knowing that He always has everything under control and He always knows what's best for me.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

growth in the change

D and I were talking on Monday night about Thanksgiving food. I mentioned the lima bean casserole that he made last year. He said "I don’t like to think about that time last year, you didn't like me then."

In truth I didn't. I didn't respond with my immediate thought of you were not doing anything to make me like you last year.

The choices I have made in my life are mine. I made the choice to get married. I made the choice to figure myself out before making any major decisions.

There were times when I had to leave. I don't regret those choices. I don't regret going back.

The week of thanksgiving I had a FB message from someone I once considered a close friend. She is a client at my Uncle's clinic and had run into my aunt. I believe that she is the one who told my aunt information that she had no business sharing and because of that information I did not attend family events through the spring or summer. My aunt had told her about my Grandmother. She was writing to tell me she was sorry to hear that.

I heard from this same individual on Sunday night. Her cat was sick and she wanted my uncle's information. To that point I hadn't heard from her before the FB message in a year. I explained that she just needed to leave a message and the doctor on call would call her back.

There had been a series of events that led to the ending of our friendship. The final straw is that she was adamant that I needed to leave my marriage last year. While I appreciated the concern I already realized that there were things I needed to do differently. I had the understanding that I had choices.

When Jack and Daron had their altercation, I thought about it. I figured out a solution. I brought in a dog trainer. Had D not agreed to the trainer, I would not have stayed. To this day I know it hurts his feelings that I would have chosen Jack over him, but what he will never understand is just how bad the situation was for me.

Jack still has behavioral challenges. I'm working with him because he has snapped at Audra more then once. I think it's his way of warning her, but regardless he's not allowed to do that. So every time he does it, he is punished. I don’t think he's ever going to be great around people he doesn’t know and we haven't been consistent enough with his training to help the situation. However, he and Daron get along and that is the whole reason I brought in a trainer in the first place.

I was always one to just re-act. I would impulsively decide and move forward and go along with however that decision played out. With my career I never just quit, I always had my next job in place before I left the current job. I was also always willing to work more then one job. I think I found that I was good at work, and since I can spend money like water it was a necessary choice.

My aunt and my mom had a heart to heart recently and I will be able to enjoy Christmas with my family. My aunt has stated that if my mom could forgive then she could at least be in the same room with D.

I truly have to give the glory where it's due. God moved. He moved in a mighty way and He continues to move.

I wrote letters last summer, lots of them, telling my husband things that I knew he didn't understand about God's love, and forgiveness and grace. I realized that my husband hated himself, and because he did, he couldn't begin to understand how to love someone else.

These days if you talk to D he will tell you that he knows that God actually likes him, not just loves him. He will talk about how he doesn't stress over things the way that he used to because he knows that God's got it.

Daron will tell you that he made the conscience choice to be less selfish. I can tell you that I have to watch my re-actions. I've been in Al-Anon a year now. I'm by no means an expert. I will always have to check myself, my motives, my attitude, and recognize when I need to back off. I attend my meetings on Tuesday nights, and I listen so that I can grow.

Nothing is ever perfect. I never expected it to be. I'm just so incredibly thankful for the life we have! Prayer changes things, not in the time frame we might want, but the growth is in the delay.   

Progress

How I am learning…

When talking about pregnancy and my husband started saying that women who are more concerned about their health make for healthier pregnancy all around I wisely tried once and then quit talking.

I've known plenty of women who were probably not super psycho pregnant person and they had a healthy kid. The flip side I've known women who did everything by the book who had complications.

What he was saying made sense in theory but I am not going to debate and I just changed the subject. The way the conversation started ticked me off, and reminded me yet again how much my husband is like my mom.

My mom was relaying a story of my Dad at the car dealership. In her relaying the story I was again reminded that I married my Mom…

Last night I got home after cleaning the office. Mr. Clean had a very long day and was tired. He asked me to check flights, thinking prices would drop closer to the date. When we had looked at prices before they were in the $300-$400 range which I knew at the time was as low as they would be. He refused to believe this. He hasn't flown in years.

I knew that prices triple the closer you get but I just pulled up the website and searched. Prices tripled. He gets frustrated because they should drop closer to the travel date because there are seats they are trying to sell. I just kept my mouth shut. I don't need to prove I'm right, I know it. I know that these days flights are often overbooked and they have fewer flights going out and the days of $100 tickets are long gone.

I used to think that I had to prove I was right. I don't. I just am. If I am wrong I will promptly admit it and if necessary apologize.

I've learned that when the tension starts to build a quick prayer and kind answers will diffuse situations in a lovely way.

June 11 one year later

It's been a YEAR and we made it. It's by God's grace, there is no way on my own I would still be able to say that I love my husband. When Stephanie played this song and asked me what I thought I loved it. I had no idea how incredibly true this song would come to be in the story of our marriage.

It's been challenging and chaotic. It's been disheartening and frustrating. It's been horrible and disappointing. It's been beautiful and special. It's been fun and had those moments of laughter where all the world is right. There have been sweet and tender moments that make me melt. I have learned and grown and I am thankful that God brought us together.

I'm thankful. Life is good. I wouldn't trade the past year because it has brought me to where I am today!

It's coming up on a year

On the shelf above my desk sits the collage photo page I created for my Grandmommy from my wedding last June. I just placed it there last week so I still see it quite often. I look at the pictures and remember how excited and happy I was that day.

This week I've been thinking a lot about this time last year and what was going on. I was living at my parents house and tenants had moved into my condo. I left early on Thursday and had the Friday before the wedding off from work.

Fortunately time heals and that first weekend after my wedding is now only slightly bitter as opposed to completely awful. I think this has a lot to do with how things continue to change and improve now. A pattern developed pretty much immediately and any time the 11th of a month was coming around I knew that it was likely that there would be some kind of incident. It was usually right around that date, every month.

By the end of July I realized that something was going to change or I was leaving. I will never understand or be able to explain why the individual that I married flipped the way that he flipped. August was when I started focusing on myself and trying to learn more about relationships and how to make them work.

September I told him I was done and that I didn't have anything left. I was so angry so much of the time and that has rarely been an emotion that I am personally familiar with.

October he said he was going to try and stop drinking. I think that might have lasted a day or 2. The best part of October I found my way into Al-Anon. I will be forever thankful that I found a website and then found a meeting. I wasn't alone, there were others who had stories. There are others who understand what it is like to be living with this disease.

November had good moments and not so good moments. In December we had a wonderful Christmas and really enjoyed our first holiday season together.

January brought Girl Clean's birthday at the first of the month. From there the rest of the month, not good. I was learning the tools to use when dealing with the active disease of alcoholism and while that helped it still sometimes felt absolutely impossible.

I was accused of being unfaithful. There was another fight concerning Jack. I hit my wall and I packed Jack up on a Friday morning and took him to my parents. I stated I was done and I was leaving, that was February 3. I was fed up and exhausted and nothing was changing.

He wrote me a beautiful letter. Apologized. Begged for the opportunity to do better.

March brought a fight that escalated and I left on a Monday night because I did not trust him. That week I tried to let it go. I tried to move past it. I couldn't. By that weekend I was so miserable and so fed up and so angry that I knew I was leaving.

I packed up and Jack and I went to my parents. I left and I didn't know that I was doing the right thing by leaving but I also knew I couldn't stay with the way that things were.

While things had improved from the summer before my tolerance for unacceptable behavior was much lower. I no longer accepted any kind of verbal garbage. I was no longer willing to accept anything less then respect. I was no longer willing to allow life to go on the way that it was going.

I made a complicated situation more complicated by leaving when it comes to my family but I have no regrets that I left for those 2 weeks. I agreed to go back. I agreed to continue to work on our marriage. But I made that promise because changes were made by him that gave me the hope that maybe this time we could finally move forward.

We made it through April. We made it through May. We're approaching our first Anniversary on Monday. But by the grace of God did we make it to this place. I am learning that the more I give things up to God the more manageable my life becomes. The more I chase after Him and seek Him the better the rest of my life flows.

I have seen change. I didn't marry him to change him. I married him because I thought that things would work out a certain way. I had no way of knowing how complicated, awful, difficult and disheartening the first year would be. I had no way of knowing the joy and peace and serenity I would find as I walked this journey.

I've said it before, these days I really like my life. I'm learning how to stand up for myself. I'm learning how change won't happen overnight but it does happen. I've learned that God's timing is not our timing, and His ways are not our ways.

I'm learning and growing and changing. I know that with God all things are possible. I believe that I am right where I am supposed to be.

How the story began and where it's going

Our church has asked for love stories. So I wrote ours, and then thought it would make a good blog post... So here is what i submitted:

When I first met Mr. Clean it was February 16, 2011. We met and talked and as I ended our date that evening I asked him if I could see him again. I didn’t want to be rude but I really needed to get home. We agreed to a date the following Sunday. On the phone on Friday night I surprised myself by agreeing to meet for breakfast and meet his daughter the next morning. While we were at breakfast he invited me to join them at the next stop, the kid’s museum. While there I also met his mom, his sister and his two nieces. Then we still had our date the next day. He kept referring to that date as Christmas and showed up at my condo with a stocking that had chocolate, green bananas and jolly ranchers, he’d asked about my favorite candy and in one conversation we’d talked about bananas, and he remembered. That day we went to a cooking class, went to my favorite restaurant and enjoyed several hours getting to know each other.

I can’t explain his side of this story. I know that we spent 4 weeks talking to each other and on Tuesday March 15 he left me a voice mail (I was at work) asking me to call him back because there were some rings he wanted me to look at. March 19, 2011 he woke up early to drive to my parent’s house to ask them for permission. From their house he drove to pick me up so we could meet my parents for breakfast. He proposed to me at the restaurant before my parents got there and then they arrived with my Grandmommy and we all had breakfast together. The ironic part of this is that Mr. Clean is so not a morning person and we had 2 significant breakfasts in the first few weeks we were dating. I started reading books and trying to figure out what I thought I needed to know because I really wanted to have a great marriage.

Perhaps allowing more then 4 weeks might have been a good idea but I figured he was 40 and I was 31 and we both knew what we didn’t want so knowing what we did and agreeing that putting God first was most important seemed like a great start. I insisted that we have a pastor marry us, and that we participate in pre-marital counseling. Mr. Clean called and set up a time with Pastor T, and he was available on June 11. I know it shocked my mom when the church I grew up in was available on that date. She was thinking that there would be a little more time. We met with Pastor T and talked about expectations, love languages, and learned a little more about each other. Then June 11 arrived and in front of God, our families, and friends we promised to love each other.

Nothing really could have prepared me for the first few weeks of married life. 2 stubborn set in their ways individuals had to learn a lot about each other. Nothing about the first 8 weeks was easy. I realized that I had a lot to learn. I borrowed a copy of Love and Respect Cracking the Communication Code from the library. This book helped me a lot! I read a lot of articles that gave me hope and encouragement. I asked for lots of prayer, and did a lot of praying.

I’ve thought a lot about those weeks. I’ve come a long way from them. As I’ve prayed and put God first I realize that I’m right where He wants me to be. I had to let go of the version I had in my head of what our story would be and start appreciating our story as it is. There are 2 key verses that I have applied and I look at them every day, some days more then once; Colossians 3:12-15 and Ephesians 4:31-32. No matter what happens, no matter how frustrated, angry, whatever emotion I am experiencing, I am called to forgive.

Mr. Clean told me when he proposed that he desired to be a better man, and he honestly works to be this. He is a wonderful Daddy he strives to be an active and involved participant in his (our) daughter’s life. He works hard each day, for us, and comes home and fixes dinner most nights. I told him before we got married I would clean if he would cook. We both work long hours and I definitely appreciate all that he does! Mr. Clean was never a dog person and I came with Jack Banner. A 17lb lovable, stubborn, smart 3 year old dachshund, beagle, Chihuahua mix. Mr. Clean and Jack had a rough start and yet Mr. Clean has accepted Jack because he knows it’s important to me and he loves me.

I find sweet post it notes at random times. He makes an effort to be thoughtful and think of nice things to do for me. He has a recipe file and is an amazing cook, way better of a cook then I am. I appreciate him for who he is, and how hard he works, but most importantly, I appreciate that he seeks to serve the Lord and put God first. There is a lot that goes on in our daily lives, and a lot that we have to learn. I’ve discovered during this very short time that when I put God first, and continually give thanks, that He makes all things new. Each day is a fresh start, and each day Mr. Clean and I learn a little more about each other and about the Father’s love.

We agreed that it is important to us to be at church each week and normally attend the Saturday night service. We had a wonderful Holiday season together, and on New Years Day as we were preparing to leave for my parents for the traditional New Years Day menu the song played at our wedding came on the radio

I Wouldn’t Change a Thing
By Matthew West

Had a picture in my head of how I thought it oughtta go, but look who showed up instead, turns out you never know. Love will steal you by surprise, take your heart just like a thief, love can bring a stubborn man down to one knee

Chorus
I wouldn’t change a thing, it’s perfectly imperfect, so crazy but it’s worth it. I’m wrapped around you like this ring and something tells me if I could I wouldn’t change a thing.

Love will show you what you lack, love will laugh at all your plans, and if your heart won’t give it back, Love will slip right through your hands. Heaven knows we’ve had our share of days we’d rather leave behind, but love don’t really seem to care, it makes the wrong turns turn right.

Bridge
I’m truly, deeply, madly, completely, devoted, every moment until my last breath I’m yours

I’ve got a picture in my head a hundred years from now. All our lines have all been read and we’re both up there looking down…

When I first heard this song the musician at our wedding had just told me about it and she wondered if I would like it. As I listened I thought it was perfectly us. I had no way of knowing what the future held and as I heard the words again and I looked at my husband, and the dog was barking and the girl was talking, I realized that the song is even more true 7 months later. As I stood in the doorway of our bedroom tears rolling down my cheeks, I said to him the same words I said on our wedding day while the song was playing, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I am thankful that God brought Mr. Clean into my life; thankful that God is in control; thankful that each day is a new day; thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I’m thankful that even when sometimes situations seem impossible I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing is impossible with God!

Wouldn't Change a Thing- Matthew West

Today as we were preparing to go to my parents this song came on the radio. This is the wedding song for Mr. Clean and I. I stood at the door as tears rolled down my face, and I looked at my husband and Jack was barking and Girl Clean was talking and realized that this song is even more perfect then I ever realized. It's more true today then it was 7 months ago!

72 days 12 weeks 2 1/2 months

72 days, 12 weeks, about 2 1/2 months I've thought a lot about this time frame.

Clearly I am no expert on marriage. I figured out on the calendar that 2 1/2 months into my own marriage was right around August 22. At that point in time the biggest question I had was what would my next step be.

I was newly married (I'm still newly married and I'm no expert I know), and beyond miserable. I felt that I had made the biggest mistake ever. I felt that the situation was completely and totally hopeless, despite my best efforts to remain positive. More then anything I wanted to walk out the door and never go back.

I was so lost, so unhappy, so frustrated, disheartened, disillusioned, angry, confused, and my friends listened and supported, all the while wishing that I would just leave, because it was so ridiculous.

Looking back now, honestly, I'm shocked that I stayed. Initially what held me there was the fact that I don't believe in divorce, until it becomes absolutely necessary. It's a decision that sometimes must be made. It's a personal choice, one that you yourself have to come to. No one else can ever tell you what to do with your life, because at the end of the day the only one who answers for your choices and your decisions is you.

I'm not a well known celebrity. I'm not constantly being chased by cameras. I didn't have a much publicized whirlwind courtship and wedding. Romance vs Showmance, really only that individual knows her heart, her motives, and her truth.

I did have a whirlwind courtship. I did have a wedding. Honestly had we done the courthouse thing, I would have had a much easier time slipping out of my promises. No one was there to witness it, making it much easier to walk away from it. Yet I made promises in front of God, my husband, and my family and friends. This was another factor that I wrestled with along with the other emotions I mentioned above.

The truth of my story had me seeking the Heavenly Father in a way that I never had before. I knew that just because X + Y were factors this did not give me a "get out of jail free" ticket from my marriage. I understood this very clearly. I started looking back on what I had written about my life. I came to understand that I had never been happy with myself, making me the key factor for why I couldn't make a relationship work. I liked to analyze and reflect and all that finally brought me to a conclusion, I was responsible for me.

I started reading. I started researching. I have always known that knowledge is power.

There were changes happening. The biggest turning point for me came in October when I began to learn about steps and I accepted that there are things I am powerless over. I realized that change begins with me and if nothing changes then nothing changes. 8 weeks later I'm working to take life one day at a time. Of course I have plans and ideas. I am seeking the next steps for my life. There is a difference in me, a serenity that I've never had before. I wake up every day, THANKFUL!!!! I started my Thankful Thursday's because I knew that I've been instructed to be thankful in ALL circumstances even when I don't "feel" like it. Now everyday I feel full of love and acceptance. I have prayed that I will be less judgmental of others. I have days of frustration, disappointment, PMS, feeling pulled in a million directions. Yet even with the normal craziness of life I am content and usually full of joy.

The unexpected challenges at the beginning of the summer allowed me to grow. The truth is I could have had my own 72 day marriage, yet I realized that this wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to know that I did everything I could. I have changed me, and I am continually working to let go and let God. When people ask me how I am I can honestly say, I’m happy, content, I like my life. I know that I'm blessed, I know that I'm loved. I still have challenges, I still have moments of frustration. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right where God wants me to be!!!

"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Colossians 3:12-15

When your name changes

OK so I was going back and forth with my insurance agent on the new policy for my condo. When my name changes, exactly how much will I have to change and WHERE IN THE WORLD do I start and how do I avoid missing something?

I plan to have my first, middle, last and new last name. I know I will probably have to do something legally in order to be able to have all these names, so if anyone knows how to do this and can let me know that would be fabulous!!!!

This is the stuff that I worry about, I need to make sure that I don't miss anything when it comes to changing my name.