Clothes Switch, Numbers, Life Lately

Monday once I was home with Jack I knew I needed to switch out my clothes from warm weather to cooler. I had checked the weather and knew by the end of this week it was going to be chilly. After I cleaned the bathrooms I went to the storage unit to pull out my clothes and shoes.

I found that my big wardrobe box that had coats in it had collapsed. I know cardboard doesn’t last forever. I had already thrown away the other big wardrobe box because it had collapsed. Last year I switched out cardboard boxes for sturdier storage containers because I could see it was necessary. I had to throw away 2 of my coats because they had mold. The rest of my clothing is kept in plastic storage bags in my cedar chest so it’s more protected from mold. There hasn’t been actual water in the unit just a lot of moisture due to the rain we’ve had here. I try not to open the door unless it’s completely dry outside in order to help prevent excess moisture from getting in.

I did the bi-annual clothing swap and at the same time went through and pulled things that I no longer want to keep. I shopped my closet back in the summer and gave away a big bag full of clothing so there was less this time to donate then when I swapped wardrobes this past spring.

Tuesday night I did a workout DVD called Breathless. It’s a Tabata style workout and it is definitely a challenge! Wednesday I had a routine doctor’s appointment and of course that means stepping on the scale. Over the years my weight has been a long running issue with me. From April 2014-April 2015 I cut out all sweets, I didn’t lose a pound. In October 2014 I did a 21 day workout challenge in order to try and fit into an outfit for a party. The outfit did fit, but it didn’t fit correctly so I ended up wearing something else. I didn’t lose any weight but the outfit fit, which doesn’t make all that much sense to me.

In May/June I did a 30 day no sweets fast because of some things on my prayer list. In July I agreed to a 90 day no sweets no white bread/carb challenge with Patrice because she wanted to lose the W weight for her September even in FL. Once again I didn’t lose a pound, she lost her baby weight. Our 90 day challenge ended during our visit to FL and that following Monday (9/28) I started a modified Daniel fast because I was praying for the women’s conference that just happened. I say modified because I still drank coffee, everything else I stuck to (no meat, dairy, leavening, or processed foods).

While I wasn’t expecting to lose weight during any of this I also didn’t expect to gain weight. My Daniel fast ended at 11:30 on Saturday and I did have a burger, fries and a dr. pepper from Wendy’s. I did have ice cream. I did enjoy good food at the wedding. I ran 4 miles on Sunday. Monday I was back on track. Imagine my horror and dismay when the scale at the doctor’s office told me I was up 8 pounds from the last time I remember stepping on the scale back in the summer. I am currently 23 pounds from my ideal weight.

I saw the number and the negative spiral was intense. It’s amazing how those 3 numbers can so quickly take me to a very dark place. I reached out to Patrice via text about the numbers, I asked why I bother to stay in recovery. I really can’t explain the intensity of these emotions as I drove back to the office and worked to pull it together. Of course I started praying.

The 2^nd breakout session last Thursday was about our identity in Christ. I really thought once I got to the year point in my personal recovery that I would no longer struggle quite so much regarding food. I still have days when I struggle. As I was praying words and verses from the session were coming back to me. Particularly Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” The thoughts that I was dealing with after seeing the scale were dark and hateful. I was being reminded that I have been made in the image of God and those numbers are not who I am. 

When people look at me they don’t see those numbers. When I was helping set up the venue for Alley’s wedding her husband’s mom came over to me and said that whenever she started to feel overwhelmed and like it wasn’t all going to get done she would look at me and I would be smiling and she would breathe and know that it was going to be ok. That has stayed with me. I knew everything would come together. I had prayed the entire drive to the venue because it was raining, the rain cleared as we began setting up and the sky was stunning! I prayed as we were setting everything up. I prayed through the ceremony. I spiraled for a moment, I have struggled and I am still struggling with frustration over my weight. I realize that at the end of the day there is a much bigger picture and I refuse to allow the enemy a foothold when it comes to the freedom from bulimia.

After my appointment I had a work appointment in Kernersville. I opted to take my car because it made more sense navigationally. Driving that familiar route brought back all kinds of memories but fortunately I didn’t cry this time, which is a first. When I got off on my exit directly in front of me was the restaurant where Josh and I had breakfast New Year’s morning 2008. We had gone to a house party at friends of his and we were on our way back to his house. Until this past NYE that had been my favorite NYE.

The meeting went well. I decided to stop for coffee before driving back. The Starbucks was right beside a place where Josh and I had hung out with friends of his the night before we went to an App football game. I smiled, and remembered. The sting is gone. I know he’s happy. I know he and his wife are good together. I know that the details have all worked out the way they were meant to. I am thankful.

I got home around 6:15 and decompressed and then I did go to the gym. I thought about doing 4 miles but I was tired, I need new running shoes, and quite honestly I just didn’t feel like it. I stopped after 2 miles.

Yesterday during lunch I went to Target and purchased lunches and breakfast. I opted for organic/non gmo frozen entrees. During the Daniel Fast I tried a few and I appreciated that they had good flavors. They are minimally more expensive then the weight watcher and healthy choice options and content wise they seem to be a better choice. Last night I had to pick up my packet for my race on Saturday. Then I went for a walk and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. It’s been a short week work wise but crazy busy! I think I’m definitely finding the groove!