progress

Last night I drove to the gym and I had a tweet running through my head... "I wish I could undo I do". I didn't tweet it. I know once it there you can't take it back.

What provoked this thought? Yesterday afternoon I got home and it was a typical afternoon. I explained my plan, have dinner, go to the gym. Mr. Clean was making dinner and he fixed Jamaican jerk chicken and beef in the oven with veggies done on the stove and we had wraps last night that were delicious!

I had eaten and was about to go change for the gym when he asks me to come sit down. Then he starts to express that he wants me to think about the amount of trips I take. That I'm married and that I should act like it. I'm sitting thinking damn we should have had this conversation as part of the expectations during premarital counseling.

This subject has been a constant source of strife between us. In fact when I left one of my reasons was because I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting to see my friends. When Patrice has baby L in September I fully intend to be there the following month in October. I have my PTO days scheduled.

I have a trip this weekend that has been on the calendar for months. I have Patrice's shower in June. I'm taking a Friday off from work to help with preparations and her shower will be on a Saturday, this counts as a trip, in his mind. Regardless that I pointed out the Friday is not going to take any time away from him since he will be WORKING.

Then in July I have 3 days in a row off, and I've arranged to work 1/2 days the last 2 days of the week. We're going to have Girl Clean. I have mentioned that when we have her I do a lot. I specifically talked to her Mom about this week in July and asked if we could have her. I thought it would be a good time for us and it would be a great opportunity to hopefully start a summer tradition. Last night I was told not to bother if I didn't want to do this and that he could hire someone if it wasn't convenient for me.

This came up as we were about 1/2 way through our conversation. I was so ticked off. The whole situation frustrates me. I told him whatever he wanted to do was fine with me.

In August I was planning to take 2 pto days, the day before and the day after my birthday. Because I was able to arrange 2 1/2 days of PTO I will just be taking my birthday off. So this means I have no trips planned for August. Let's count this up, no trip in June, no trip in July, no trip in August and no trip in September... The October trip is planned...

BEAT HEAD AGAINST THE WALL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME

If I thought he would ever read the blog I wouldn't write this but it's obvious to me that he's not going to so I figure I might as well effectively use my little space to vent it out.

So saying I also have to acknowledge that this conversation didn't turn into a knockdown drag out fight. I give a lot of credit to the fact that as soon as I realized what was happening I started praying. I have noticed the past few times how effective my prayers can be in keeping a conversation from turning into a scene.

This morning I stated that I heard everything that he said. I stated that I acknowledged and understood what I signed up for when I married him and I do a lot when we have Girl Clean. I also pointed out that she has Mommy and I am her L. I stated that when I go out of town this gives her one on one time with Daddy.

Perhaps if I wasn't coming off a weekend where I felt that I had just done the majority, he did the craft project and he watched her at the park, then maybe I wouldn't have felt quite so unkind about this whole subject of conversation.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I don't feel as connected to Girl Clean and maybe that's because of my relationship with her Dad. What I realized last night is this isn't the case. I would do whatever I had to do (and I actually do) to protect my girl, I just don't let her Dad know it.

Life is better then it has been. This morning after I left I received an apology. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, but he apologized anyways. I am praying that if there are areas that I need to work on then I will be shown those areas.

It's progress not perfection.