Why I'm thankful

Yesterday I was filling in my January 2015 calendar with birthdays. The 2014 January calendar was full of reminders. Including my January 21 appointment to visit the lawyer.

As I have thought about that day, and that appointment I am thankful that I was able to go and talk to the lawyer and learn what the process would be.

I remember sitting in my car and reading the email from my friend who I had asked if she and her husband would be willing to lead a small group on marriage. She had responded that they had been asked to mentor a marriage group. I had replied asking if there was an extra spot for 2. She replied back that the group was closed. I remember vividly that moment, reading that the group was closed. It was the final factor for me and my decision to leave.

I remember the week before I left that there was an ice storm that came through on that Tuesday. I had to drive in to work and it was treacherous! I tried to explain how scary it was later that day when I got home and all D didn't even listen and kept talking over me to tell me things he considered more important.

I remember the Sunday before I left D found a book that I had purchased. It was part of the getting them sober series by Toby Rice Drews and it's the book about when you have determined you have to leave. He point blank asked me if I was leaving and I said no.

It was this time last year that we were in another downward spiral of the disease. We actually had a really wonderful Thanksgiving we were able to go to both our families and spend time with them. I was so very thankful that for the first time in 2 years I would be able to spend time with my family that day.

I am thankful that I had the love and support of my family and friends when I made the decision to leave. It's not been an easy journey. As bad as the situation could be I truly struggled with the idea of ending my marriage because of the fact that I promised I would love him forever. I promised that I would forgive him. I promised that even though it would sometimes be tough I would stick it out. I desperately beyond all reason wanted to prove that yes this could work out despite the crushing odds.

I finally had to accept that I could not continue to live that way. I had to accept that I could not be the reason why Audra had to witness such incredible dysfunction. I never ever want her to allow a man to talk to her the way her Dad talked to me.

I remember the day I left, waking up, driving to my parents. I was so nervous and yet at peace. I drove back up for the last time and Mom and I put Jack in the car. We started packing up the kitchen. The friends arrived and Dad with the movers and moving truck. We had everything loaded up just as it started to rain.

I have the emails from D promising that he had changed that things would be different. I refused to respond.

I agreed to meet with the pastor and the counselor on February 27. I was terrified because I just knew they were going to tell me I was wrong and I had to go back. I knew I was done but having to explain that was so scary to me.

I initially absolutely refused to a joint meeting but finally agreed because I truly do respect the ladies pastor and counselor at the Concord church. I agreed to provide all the information that I had from the past few years.

Having to send the first email which included March 2012 until current I was able to edit but they came back and they asked for the beginning. To be perfectly honest a lot of that I still can't read too closely. The emotional impact of reading those emails and posts that I saved is still very difficult for me.

Then the meeting where D couldn't explain exactly what he did but he was sorry and he's changed and I just need to give him a chance. So against all reason I gave him one final chance to show me that he truly had or could change.

We started the process of joint counseling and the first thing he had to complete was 90 AA meetings in 90 days. He was allowed to send one text message a day of love or commitment. He completed his 90/90 but during the process he showed me through his actions that he had not changed.

I found out about a woman that he met at church, because I met the woman, and it turns out anything I said in response to her questions she turned around and took it back to him. Fortunately I found out very quickly and just as quickly removed her from life.

I am guessing that he started talking to other women sometime in June, I don't know it might have been earlier. It's none of my business anyways, I've stated that we're through.

I was able to visit my friend Vada in June and spend the weekend with her enjoying catching up.

In July I was able to spend time with my friend Patrice. When she and her husband moved to NC from FL it was such a huge gift to me to have her close again!

In August I spent time with my family and friends. I had a birthday party and enjoyed turning 35.

In September I traveled to PA to visit my Godfamily. Having the opportunity to spend time with them was such a treat!

In October I traveled to Minneapolis and had a wonderful time with Lisa!

I just got back from a trip to VA where I was able to spend time with Jess and her family. I love the chaos and the noise of 4 kids. I'll write more about the fun places Jess and I went later.

I am thankful for friends who listen, who don't shut me down. I've really struggled since October with my decision because I found out that D has a girlfriend. I'm not sure why in my brain that news suddenly made me question everything. I was doing fine, completely secure in my decision. Then suddenly I fell apart.

I'm thankful that I've been able to stay with my parents through this process. I'm thankful that I've been in Al-Anon for long enough that I know the tools and ways to combat the crazy thinking.

I was able to return to the Concord church because D left and I am incredibly thankful for this!

I've had conversations with friends, I've spent time working through the myriad of feelings and emotions both with professionals, with friends, and in prayer.

I'm thankful that through it all I've seen God's faithfulness and His love. I'm thankful that even though my choice landed me in a situation that was an absolute mess God worked His good in situations and allowed me to make a difference. I'm thankful that He brought me out. I prayed for several weeks before I made my final decision. I'm thankful that He gave me what I needed in order for me to be able to leave.

"You are my God, and I will praise you; you are my God, and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118:28-29

stopping the spin

Since I found out about the girlfriend a few weeks ago I've found that I can launch myself into quite the "what if" spin. This is totally and completely not Al-Anon. In fact there are tons of readings about this subject and NOT doing it.

This morning as I was driving to work I was listening to my music but my thoughts were spinning, what if she's pregnant, what if history repeats and before our divorce is final she's pregnant. What if, what if, what if.

I can spin quite the elaborate scenario in my head. I have nothing to go on other than my very capable imagination. I think part of why I do this is because it makes it easier for me to stay in the angry place. Plus if this happened he would look like more of an idiot and that would make me happy… except if I'm truly working to let go of all this, this kind of thinking is not healthy.

I can't remember what song was playing but so distinctly (not audibly but very clearly) heard that calm voice of reason. I was reminded that all this is not what I should be focusing on. I was stopped in my thoughts and told that I have no business spinning this way because just this week, at Women Under Construction, I was reminded that my focus should be on the Lord.

The verse that came to me was Philippians 4:8 "Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

I was reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

The next one was Jeremiah 29:12-13 "Then you will call on me and come pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Earlier this week, as I've been processing the disappointments and longings and fears of being alone, I was reminded of this verse, and reminded again this morning of this verse. Psalm 37:4-5 "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this."

The final verse from this morning is Psalm 34:3-4 "Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."

I was very much convicted that I was letting my thoughts run away and spin out of control and by doing that I lose my focus. I lose progress in my journey forward. I can spin scenarios all day long but the reality of most of them happening is probably not likely. Even if they are likely it's not anything I have any control over.

Weekend fun, exercise, no justifications

Saturday morning I was able to sleep in a little bit, which was needed! Mom and I went to a Christmas craft fair in the middle of nowhere. It's held every year in a school and they use all the class rooms as well as the Library and the gym to set up booths for vendors. In the cafeteria they offer breakfast until 11 and lunch after that.

We had a really good time checking out all the different offerings. I was impressed by the variety and the fact that there are a lot of talented people!

We arrived around 9 and I think we left right around 12. We stopped by BoJangles for lunch and then Mom got to check out the brand new Walmart. I had to get more Rubbermaid storage containers and food for Jack. She needed some things, so it worked out well to stop on our way home.

Saturday afternoon she helped me move the stuff from the cardboard boxes into the storage containers. Once I got that done I took a nap and then went to the gym. It hit me as I was getting ready to go to the gym and I didn't have plans other than going to the gym that I was alone. This sounds completely ridiculous since I'm living with my parents but when I was married there were plenty of Saturday nights where we were not doing anything but I was married and we had Audra and it was what I had always wanted as far as the husband and the child. I had it with CF&G, and when it was gone it was a big hole. I find myself yet again facing the alone.

It's a process and one that I'm continuing to move forward with. I have to just accept that this is where I am. I wanted what I wanted so much that I ignored every flag and warning sign and polly-anna-d my way into a marriage that was a disaster. Being out of the everyday stress and insanity has created the ability to recognize that I loved him, and that it had good moments. I think that this is also what allows us to begin to heal, that distance that takes the sharpest edges off the hurts.

I felt better after I worked out. Exercise is always a good way to let go of negative thoughts. I was in bed by 9:30 Saturday night. Yesterday morning I was up early so I could get my run in before church. I went to the gym and ran 4 miles.

I went to the 11 service so I could sit with Patrice and Aaron. Before the service I was talking to a casual friend who I really like. She does not know any details from me regarding my marriage other than the fact that we are no longer together. She asked me yesterday how Daron was doing.

It was an honest question that I wasn't prepared for. The immediate answer that went across my brain, oh he has a girlfriend. Fortunately I've learned how to keep these kinds of answers from just being blurted out. I took a breath and gave a shrug and said I honestly don't talk to him and I don't know. I gave the best non answer I could. My immediate desire is to give the run down and the justifications and word vomit all of it so this friend will understand why I made the decision that I made.

Immediately after I left I also left the church. I know that D shared his version of the story to quite a few friends so I don't know if this friend was one of those people or not. He acknowledged that his drinking was the reason why I left but that he was a changed person and I just needed to understand it and come back. He could be so charming and persuasive that I'm sure people believed that it was just a simple matter of reconciling our differences.

One thing I've learned over these past few years is that I don't have to explain. I don't have to give justifications. I have to make the choices and decisions that are the right ones for me. I have to answer for the choices and decisions that I make and I'm fully aware of this.

I was not expecting to feel that immediate need to cast aspersions on my soon to be ex-husband and his character. I realize that I have more work to do on the letting go. I have not heard from him since November 6, the more time that passes the easier it is for me to move forward. I have to work on the fact that there is still some kind of hold on me when I do or don't hear from him.

I've said I am done. I mean that I am done. Yet there is this completely irrational ridiculous part of me that somehow has not let go yet. Maybe it's the part that is freaked out about the whole alone thing. Maybe it's the part of me that always believed that she had to be married. Maybe it's the part of me that knows that dating is horrible and not something I ever planned or wanted to do again and I have no idea if I ever will actually date again. I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from but it's there. 

I feel really fortunate that I am surrounded by such an amazing support system. From my family and friends to my sponsor and weekly meeting as well as the pastor and counselor at church. Every step of the way God has provided exactly what I have needed and need as I navigate this journey. I just have to trust in His plan and seek Him. 

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

Letting go of the indecision

I'm so glad it's Friday! 

After I worked my step 8 I was so excited!

Last night was a women's event at the Concord church. I really didn't want to go. I had been out every night this week and I was tired. But I overwhelmingly felt like the Lord was telling me to be there. I changed my clothes and headed out again.

There was a reason that I was supposed to go. Part of the message talked about mourning and allowing the Lord to work with us and heal the broken places, well the second part is my take but there was the part about mourning. The message was about how we have to be able to explain our hope in the Lord. I'm so glad that I went!

Today at work was super quiet and I was able to get so much done! I got home from work and I beat the sunset to get a run in with Jack. The downside to daylight savings time is that the sun sets at 5:17 and I know it's going to be sooner and sooner over these next few weeks, such a bummer!

My meeting tonight was so awesome! It was on step one and having the ability to laugh at ourselves and have a sense of humor. So necessary for me! 

Tomorrow I've agreed to go with my mom to a Christmas craft fair. I haven't done something like this with her in years and I think we are both excited to go! I don't plan to spend any money but I know I'm going to have a good time!

Tomorrow I will hopefully get a trip to the gym fit in at some point and I need to get some stuff put back in my storage unit. 

I'm amazed that we are halfway through November and then again I'm not. This year has flown by and I have to say I'm really thankful that it has. I am thankful to be where I am. I realize that this time last year my life was not peaceful and not easy and I can look back and see just how far I've come. 

Yes I've questioned my choice to leave over these past 3 weeks. Yes I've wondered if I should go back. I've been able to move through that. I still hurt. I still realize that I have work to do. I realize that to this point it was really easy to hang out in the mad and angry and now I'm having to move into the accept the reality and move forward place. I could analyze everything for years but I don't need to. I would not come up with any clearer answers than the ones I already have.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt I know that God is faithful. I know that as I've walked this journey He has been with me every step of the way. I know that it's time to give him the pieces and stop talking about how I'm broken and let Him begin to do what He wants to do in my life so that I'm not broken anymore.

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back." Philippians 3:12-14 msg

The random thoughts on a Thursday

I have thought many times over these past 3 years how thankful I am for Al-Anon. I would be a big puddle of a hot mess without my program!

Tuesday after work I ran 4 miles. There is something about exercise that helps me feel better! After burning off those calories I probably consumed those plus some at dinner. Tiffany and I went to dinner at the sushi place that has buy 2 get one free rolls on Tuesday nights. Usually we have small group but Tuesday night's meeting was cancelled.

She and I talked for a long time about various things. I'm forever grateful that she and I met each other in college!

I realized that there is a part of me that is upset over the fact that I have not heard anything from D since last Thursday. I quickly had to check that emotion. I have specifically said I am happy for him. I specifically told him I wish him the best. Yes I am sorting through my emotions but the bottom line is I know that I need for him to move on. I have waited to know that this has happened since I left. Not going to lie, my head is a crazy place to be. I try not to stay inside my head too much because it is not a good idea.

Last night I worked step 8 with my sponsor. I am so thankful that I have a sponsor and I am working the steps. I now have 4 left. We talked about the various emotions and feelings. I know that I would not be doing as well as I am if I had not been in Al-Anon for as long as I was before leaving. I know that I would not be where I am now, if I had not taken myself to that first meeting 3 years ago. I just keep saying I would be a hot mess puddle!

I was starving when I got to the restaurant and I cleaned my plate! I had a sandwich that was amazing! Needless to say I went to the gym after dinner. I don't even want to know the calorie bomb that was my sandwich.

Today at lunch I was reading from Max Lucado's book about grace. The chapter talked about the Israelites and how they left Egypt and how they decided that they wanted to go back, after God had miraculously delivered them. I was reminded again that I was brought out from the situation that I was in. The week before we'd had an ice storm, the week after we had a big snow storm but the week that I moved and the day that I moved on we had rain but the rain did not start until after everything was loaded.

As I was remembering this I also remembered my distress after I left my first solo meeting with the pastor and the counselor. I was in tears and the Spirit gently whispered what are you so afraid of don't you trust me? I've seen the Romans 8:28 scripture over and over these past few days. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Last week when I was off on Thursday I was cleaning out my FB at the actual computer and not on my phone. I checked messages, when you are friends with someone you get their messages on FB on your phone but if you are not the message is sent to an "other" folder. I happened to click on the other folder and I had a message from this past July from D's first wife. The one I've always wanted to talk to. I replied and apologized for my delay in responding explaining what had happened. Her message had simply said that she heard I had left and that she was offering her support. I told her I've always wanted to hear her story and she has offered to meet me so we can talk. I think talking to her will perhaps help me as I move forward in letting go of the past few years.

The pieces

This past weekend was so awesome and yet also bittersweet. For the most part when it comes to my stepdaughter I've been able to appreciate that she has a good Mom and she is in a safe place where she is. I've missed her but I have detached to a large extent in order to try and move forward.

I always accepted that I wasn't Audra's mom and I wasn't trying to be. I would pick her up on Friday and usually take her back on Sunday. In retrospect this was overstepping and enabling but my motive was sincere. I wanted to help.

She and I spent a lot of time together. I treated her like she was mine and loved her the same way.

Ultimately the final straw that was the catalyst for my decision was the fact that she was with us the night that D spiraled on me. I did not want her to grow up thinking it was ok for a boyfriend or husband to ever talk to her that way. We'd had many nights when I left the house because of concerns for my safety but this particular night I could not leave because I knew it would upset Audra and I've never felt that helpless in a situation before. I prayed hard for my protection, her protection and for Jack's protection.

These past few months since I left I've been working through various waves of emotions. For the most part I am able to function. I go to work where I've done my best to stay productive. I have maintained a fairly busy schedule between working out, church, friends and traveling to see friends.

I thought I was going to sail through to February and be completely fine. I wasn't expecting to feel so heartbroken to find out that D had a girlfriend. I knew all along he would be dating. I knew all along he would be engaged before the divorce was final. Having to process the hurt and mourn the loss of something I didn't understand I was going to be upset over has taken me back a step.

Spending time with Audra this past weekend was awesome, but my heart hurts over the loss of being her stepmom. I knew when I left she would be the hardest part. I thought since I would be able to stay in touch I would not have as hard of a time as when I left CF&G. This is the first time since I left that I've spent more than an hour or two with her.

I know that this too shall pass. My heart just hurts, most of the time these days. It's this odd dichotomy of knowing that inside I feel broken in a million pieces and yet I can keep it together I can function, and live my life, and laugh and continue taking this process one step at a time. I honestly think this is all probably a part of the process. Having to admit to myself that I loved Daron was hard, because I didn't want to acknowledge it because if I loved him then how could I have left? Love is supposed to always win.

Except sometimes, when you are in a situation like I was, the promises keep being broken. The trust is not possible. For 2 1/2 years I kept praying, and trusting, and knowing that God was (and is) bigger than it all. As I prayed for those weeks before I left I know that He provided the way out, just like He did for the Israelites when they left Egypt. Not that this situation remotely compares but it's the example that He gave me when I was driving to the women's conference back in September.

Yes I love Daron, but I have come to the place of understanding that regardless of that feeling going back is simply not possible. I'm 9 months out from living in the daily stress of all that I was dealing with. I have recognized that I could go back and in a very short time be right back in the situation as before, as happened every other time that I went back, it would be lovely to believe the words but the actions don't back up what he's saying, because, well, he has a girlfriend.

I have to face my fears of the fact that in a year I'll be living by myself in my condo again. I have to face the fear that I've had all along that I'll be alone. I have to accept that if I choose to date again I have to go through all that this entails again, and that is dreadful to me. I don't like dating. I'm not sure I can date again and at this point it's a non issue anyways.

Yet despite all the fears and feelings and emotions I know one thing for sure, that to God my future is a memory. This is a part of lyric from Casting Crowns song Already There and I love it because it's so true. He knows what is going to happen. He works ALL THINGS for His good because He is a good God.

November 7 - 9 2014

Friday after work I drove to High Point to spend time with my brother, SIL and nephew. My SIL made awesome chili! We hung out and talked and caught up with each other and watched a few episodes of Diners Drive Ins and Dives on Netflix. 

Saturday morning I was up early and I went for a 4 mile run. It was 34 degrees, pretty cold! However, by the time I finished my run I was my usual hot mess! My nephew was up when I got back and he was finishing his breakfast.

My SIL and I decided to make a trip to Belks so I could try and find a top for my big girls night that evening. I had packed 2 options but I've worn both several times now and Saturday night was super special! I found just what I was looking for and I found 2 adorable outfits for my nephew!

B and J took me to Olive Garden for lunch, so yummy and one of my favorites! Of course I had the soup, salad and bread sticks!

I left their house at 2:30 and headed to the hotel in Greensboro to meet up with my girls. Back in July I bought tickets for the Casting Crowns, Mandisa and Sidewalk Prophets concert. I originally started looking at Mandisa concerts last spring but by the time I had the idea she was wrapping up her current tour. So when I found out that she would be traveling with Casting Crowns it worked out great for us to go! I talked to Amy about inviting my friend Tiffany and her little girl and the plan was set.

They were actually very excited! They were in a Nickelodeon coma at this point and we were getting ready to head to the concert.

Amy and her girl

Tiffany and her girl

Sweet Girl!

I took this picture when we first got there. Our seats were on the floor in the middle and they were great seats!

Right around the time that all the planning was coming together the Dollar store had the glow sticks for the 4th of July. I stocked up on necklaces and bracelets and they have been in my closet since July.

Glow stick fun

The glow sticks were a great distraction since the concert was a little late starting due to traffic issues

She had so much fun with her necklaces and bracelets!

First up was Sidewalk Prophets and they did an awesome job! 

They did an acoustic song were they all gathered around the mic it's kind of hard to see them in the picture but that's what is going on. 

Intermission and waiting for Mandisa to come on stage.

Mandisa kicked off her set with her good morning song. This is a favorite for both the girls and they were super excited!

This was during the song, she was mesmerized by Mandisa.

It was such an awesome night! I am so thankful that we had this opportunity! We stayed at the Drury Inn and Suites that was less than 2 miles to the coliseum so it worked out great! There was an indoor pool and complimentary evening snacks and breakfast. The girls got to go swimming this morning after breakfast much to their delight! I think the water was actually pretty chilly so they only stayed down there about 30 minutes.

I had anticipated this for so long and I'm so glad that it all worked out so well!

I got home to a very excited Jack Banner. He was so happy to see me! I did get to the gym this evening and did some weights and the elliptical. I'm trying to make sure that I keep up the working out simply because I like not constantly having to worry if my clothes are going to fit correctly.