Wednesday, October 17, 2012

running, relateable, and restlessness

I actually made it out for a run last night with Jack. With the daylight hours becoming shorter and shorter I know I need to take advantage of every day that I can do this. My poor legs, they did fine for most of the run. By the end, they hurt.

I went to the gym Monday night and did the elliptical plus strength training. I did leg strength training for the first time in months. I think this might be why my legs were giving out on me at the end of the run last night.

Tonight I clean the office. I'm going to do my best to make it to the gym again tonight. I know I won't want to but if I know I'm doing something it makes me feel better. I have been taking the vitamins and all that consistently. Of course it's only been a week so there's not going to be any kind of noticeable change.

Weight loss is not about instant gratification. I wish it was. I also wish I could figure out why once I get to my goal weight I stay there for only a short time and then my weight jumps again. I was thinking about it and I truly don't believe that my eating habits change significantly, but I could be wrong, I guess I need to go back through my old archives for clues.

Yesterday Vada and I were talking about my cowboy boot gift. She stated "you are just like Charlotte York, everything about you". It's true. After the SATC marathon in Florida I was reminded more and more of just how much like Charlotte I am. Then Vada said she wasn't sure who she was most like and I pointed out that fashion wise she is much like Carrie she just isn't neurotic. That show is the gift that keeps on giving. I no longer own all the seasons and the movie, and I miss it.

My new latest thing on Netflix is Say Yes to the Dress. Girl Clean even watches it with me. Now if they would just get What Not to Wear it would be perfect!!

This week is 1/2 over. I know I just had a vacation not even 2 weeks ago but I feel like I need a change of scenery yet again. I think this is where finding my contentment is going to come into play. I need to put my finger on the feelings of restlessness and deal with whatever is is that I'm feeling off kilter about.

Happy Wednesday!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

5 Minutes

Friday afternoon of last week was up in the air from Wednesday until Friday. Why? Because I had texted Amy about whether or not I was going to pick Girl Clean up at 5 or if we would just meet up at ballet Saturday morning.

They were at the beach and they didn't come back until Friday. So instead of meeting up, which we tried to plan and traffic was too crazy, she dropped Girl Clean off at the house at around 8.

My husband was upset with me because he said I was ignoring Girl Clean. Truth, I wasn't. She came in the house and she was all about her Dad. Which meant that I was free to read my book. I missed her. I also understand that 3 1/2 year old little girls don't need a step mom to get in the way when they just want their Dad.

He said I wasn't acting like I missed her. Well I did. I just realized the need to give her space. She had been with her Grandmommy all week. Her mom had been at the beach the last of the week. Girl Clean did not need me, she needed her Daddy. He would say that I'm making excuses, I would say I'm smarter then he gives me credit for.

This caused Friday night to end on an unpleasant note. Saturday morning I had my 15K race. It was chilly, perfect race weather! By the time the race started I was ready. Nicole and I ran together the first 6 miles then she pulled on ahead. I was OK until mile 7 when my calf started cramping, my right hip locked and my lower back was screaming. Until mile 7 I was keeping a 10 minute per mile pace. I finished the race with a 10:13 pace.

Saturday after the race I got home and showered. Girl Clean got home from ballet. We went to lunch. We went home and hung out. Girl Clean had a fever for some reason so she and her Dad stayed home from church. I went to the 5 service, had nursery for the 7 service and left from there to help Vada celebrate her 30th birthday.

I got home Saturday night at 10. I was so exhausted!!!

Sunday Mr. Clean purchased tickets to the Disney on Ice show. That show was AMAZING!!!! It was so incredible to be able to go and experience that production!!! Our seats were fantastic!! I remembered a jacket for Girl Clean, thankfully, because it gets chilly in the arena with the ice!

We grabbed a late lunch and took Girl Clean back to her mom.

I made it to the gym last night. I have a long way to go and honestly even with all my changes I just don't know that I'm going to get there. I am so tired of the yo-yo!

Last night Mr. Clean talked to the company where he ordered one of my Christmas presents from. In order to get a full refund he had to return the item in 30 days. If we waited until Christmas to open the gift he would receive a credit for the amount.

I asked what he would like for me to do. He said it was up to me. So I said go ahead and show me. He brought out a box and in the box were cowboy boots. They were beautiful. I was appreciative that he thought of me. I am incredibly thankful that he cares and wants to give me something special.

Honestly if they had fit (I have fred flinstone feet and the boots were narrow my foot would not go in) I would have kept the gift. I wouldn't have ever worn them but I would have kept the gift. It's just not my look. For me it wasn't a practical gift. Not that I am not thankful. I truly appreciate his thoughtfulness and I would have kept them if they fit. It's just not a gift I would really ever use. In my head for the same price I could have had a really amazing handbag or jewelry. He gives wonderful gifts. They were beautiful boots. They just were not my style.

For his Christmas I haven't even started. I purchased PTO hours that I plan to sell back so once I have that then I'll be figuring out what to get him for Christmas. I know for a fact that he would love an Ipad, I just don't know that the amount back from cashing in the PTO hours will be enough.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Friday's Reflections

This week has been short work wise. Wednesday night I cleaned the office. I didn't go to the gym. Yesterday my fat jean, the jeans that have usually been loose, were too tight. I realized I need to quit letting myself slide.

I went to Walm4rt at lunch and bought a potassium supplement, goodbye 2 banana a day habit. I also purchased a B complex supplement and a multi vitamin that is supposed to boost metabolism. Anything that claims to boost metabolism I do not believe. I just bought that one because after my research yesterday it had ingredients in it that I was looking for and I didn't want to buy that many individual bottles.

I passed up the birthday cupcakes yesterday afternoon. For me this is significant. I normally would have indulged. Probably even had 2. Yesterday I let it sit and while I was tempted I did a good job not giving in.

I ran yesterday afternoon with Jack. It was a good run, and hopefully helps loosen me up for Saturday's race.

We have netflix streaming and I am currently hooked on Say Yes to the Dress. I had seen a few episodes at different times but since I've never personally had cable it's not something I've been able to watch regularly. I enjoy watching because I can relate to the experience of working bridal. What those consultants have that I didn't, closing skills.

I miss Patrice. We talked about it this week and realized that when we get into life's groove it's easy to not realize just how much you miss someone. Then when you are able to spend time with them again it hits you just how much you miss them. This time last Friday I was on a plane.

I thought about the drive last Friday on my way in to work today. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to go down for a visit.

I finally stepped on the scale this morning. I weigh 7 lbs less then what I thought I weighed and I weigh 20 pounds more then I did on my wedding day. Now that I know, I can move forward.

It's not that I don't know what to do. It's that I just would rather eat the 2 cupcakes, the however many donuts, the brownie, the cookies, the insert food name here. I don't like to be hungry, and sometimes that is just necessary in order for my body to reset.

Mr. Clean pointed out last night that another factor may be my body is just used to running now. I was a walker for years, years and years. From 13 until 29 I was a walker and I would go to the gym and use the elliptical machine.

Then one cold January day, in order to get a quick workout in, I started running and just ran as far as I could. Then I started pushing that distance out. Then I signed up for a March race. I think I also cut out sugar around the same time, which helped.

My running and cutting out sugar allowed me to lose weight. I've also been a long time diet pill user, you name it I have probably taken it and most don't work. Unless you have a prescription, those actually do work. For my wedding the true secret to how I was at my low weight was the diet pills I was taking. They were fantastic. Unfortunately my body gets used to this stuff fairly quickly.

My body is basically immune to high levels of caffeine and whatever else they put in the pills to supposedly help you loose weight. I don't take the "natural types". You know the ones, those truly never ever work for me. I was so upset when they took the ephedra off the market because any diet pill containing this actually worked. Unfortunately for others they were fatal.  I'm sure if I actually admitted this to a true medical professional they would be beyond horrified.

Knowing that I could spend ridiculous money on another round of diet pills and the likelihood that they would work was slim I decided to see how just the supplements will work for me. I'm taking them based on my research. I'm not expecting them to be the reason I lose weight I just think they will help my body.

I also have to figure out new ways to burn calories. Mr. Clean was saying I would have to figure out how to work harder, the catch, from running so long is that really I can't work much harder. However, I can do interval work. I can run hard and then do something else and make my workouts more of an interval style.

I can look into the classes that my gym offers. I will also be checking the gym next to my office. I have a lot of options. I just have to figure out what is going to work for me. Turning down the cupcakes yesterday was a huge win for me. I know it sounds so dumb but it was. The brownies at the house were finished off by Mr. Clean yesterday and he said that it's fine if I don't make any for a while. He's going to go back to his one candy bar a day habit. He knows he's not to buy me any candy.

I have taken the first steps. I am moving forward. I know it's a process.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

In which I do a lot of griping

So off and on for the past however many years I've had my blog (2008) I have complained, griped, whined, moaned, and in general obnoxiously fixated on my weight, the highs the lows and the never ending battle of trying to keep it in check.

I got married and my husband is an amazing cook. He also likes to have brownies or scotcharoos around all the time. This is not good for me. When I was single I specifically did not keep that kind of stuff in my cabinets. I also did not keep any kind of chips. My husband loves chips, namely Doritos. Did you know you can't eat just one Dorito, ever?

I've said I would not whine, moan, gripe, complain because I wasn't doing what I knew I needed to do. I think this is part of a pattern. As of this morning I hit my wall. I am no longer able to just ignore the fact that my once fat jeans are no longer loose. I wore them to work anyways. The tight feeling an all day long reminder that I need to get it together and do what has to be done.

Last night I was trying to say that I have a trainer that I'm going to talk to. My husband, was focused on something else and clearly tired of hearing me talk about the subject, and he said you are never going to be happy with how you look. Which isn't quite true. I've been happier, not entirely happy but happier. Right now there is 0 satisfaction. In fact the jeans I have on today are a reminder for every second of just how far I have let things slide.

I also realized that over the past 3 years there has been a pattern, and it's probably farther back then 3 but I realized that in 2009 I had hit my low weight and immediately the weight came back. I was dating the dentist (the one who called me a gold digger) and I was training for my first 1/2 marathon and thought I could eat like a 12 year old boy.

He and I broke up in 2010 and I started slowly working the weight back off. Then by my wedding I was once again at my low weight, and around my birthday last year I started eating like there was no tomorrow.

I've just done some research on vitamins and I'm planning to start some major eating renovations today. I've considered weight watchers but I seriously doubt that it will work for me. I know it works wonderfully for a lot of people but not for me.

I have been working out. However, last week we had breakfast on Monday followed by a pizza lunch on Wednesday and there is the weekend in FL where I did a whole lot of nothing. Oh and the donuts, we went to Krispie Kreme, I am sure this did NOT help.

Patrice did one of the medically supervised weight loss places and it worked wonderfully for her. But you have to pay each time you go and I really can't do that right now. She and I talked about the vitamins and supplements and all that so I decided to do a little research.

I have those results written down and at lunch I plan to go to Walmart and stock up. I also have an idea to check into a gym that is in the shopping center next to my office. If it's really legitimately only $10 a month then I can go over on my lunch and do weights. I won't do cardio, I only have 1 hour of time that is clearly not enough to get sweaty during a workout and then repair the damage. For $10 a month I think I could swing that in order to get myself back to where I want to be.

I have to figure out how to stop this stupid yo-yo. I haven't and won't step on the scale, I can guess what my weight is and I think it's higher then it's been in YEARS, like since 2001. NOT HAPPY.

My life doesn't actually revolve around the numbers on the stupid scale. I have a lot going on. I stay busy. I have made an honest effort to try and let go of my obsessing but when my fat jeans fit, it means that I have to refocus.

I could gripe about my actual complaints as far as what has spread but I'm not. I'm the one who decided that she was too tired to go to the gym last night. I should have gone. I'm the one who will make the choice to run tonight. I have my 15K this weekend.

After this weekends race I have a 5K the following weekend and then as of now there are no more races on my calendar for the year. I think I'm going to try and regroup and figure out something besides just running because clearly just running is not effective for me and I need to add additional factors in to help my body.

In other news this week has been typical since I was out from work last Friday and Monday. The worst part of vacation days is coming back and paying for the days away. However I love having vacation days and I'm always thankful for those!!!

This weekend my 15K race is Saturday morning, I have nursery at church for the 7 pm Saturday service and then my friend Vada has her birthday party. Sunday we are taking Girl Clean to the ice show that is in town and I am so excited!!!

Jack Banner is readjusting to being home. He is ridiculously spoiled when he stays at the grandparents so he always needs a few days to adjust back.

I read several books while in the airports end of last week beginning of this one. Robyn Carr is a new favorite. I like easy to read romance and she delivers. I love having a Kindle I have read so much more this year! The downside to a Kindle they make you turn it off on the airplane during take off and landing and I'm left with nothing to do. Next time I fly I plan to have a magazine or something!

It's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday. Today I have a plan in place.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

5 Minutes



I knew that pictures were the most important, so those are first. These are phone pictures, I did have my camera and I do have some pictures. However, all pictures are of Baby L. I did not wear makeup for most of the time I was there.

Friday morning I was up early, like 3:50 AM early. I had to be at the airport for my 7:15 flight at 6AM, because I'm one of those people who likes to be at the airport to hurry up and wait. It's my nature.

The flight out of Charlotte landed and the flight out of Atlanta to Tampa was smooth. I was so excited. I may have gotten a little teary thinking of the fact that I was finally visiting Patrice after all this time of her living in Florida. I was supposed to go in June 2011 but then I had a wedding...

We landed and Patrice picked me up. Our plan for the weekend, to stay home. I was there specifically to help. Her husbands family owns the West Palm Beach Antique show, if you are ever down that way go, it's amazing and someday I hope to get there myself.

The show was this weekend so several months back, thinking that Baby L would be a month old she and I planned for me to visit while her husband was out of town so I could be there to help. Baby L had different plans, he made his appearance on June 29, so he is by calendar birth date 3 months old now. However, her due date was September 6, and with preemies developmentally you go more by the original due date. So he's very much a typical 1 month old. Translation he does lots of eating and sleeping and he is slowly becoming more alert.

Friday evening we visited the grocery store and she made dinner, while I held Baby L. Saturday morning I was up early to hold Baby L so Patrice could sleep a little while. Saturday later in the morning I went for a run. Florida is crazy hot, it's October and it was in the 80's.

Saturday afternoon we ventured out for Thai food, we picked it up. Then we went home again. I did not wear makeup for 2 days, it was fabulous!!!

She and I watched SATC, we started with Season 1 and made it to Season 3 disc 1, but we would get distracted talking. We talked for hours. This is the kind of friendship where we may only see each other a few times a year, but when we do it's like we've never been apart. I love her like my sister, and the feeling is mutual.

Sunday evening her husband arrived home and we heard about the show and opened some fun baby presents.

Monday my flight left at 1:30. The flight was delayed by 10 minutes, and fortunately my flight out of Atlanta was also delayed, otherwise I probably would have missed it.

I am so thankful I had the chance to go for a visit. I'm so hopeful that eventually they will be able to move closer, so that I can drive for visits more often.

I picked up Jack from my parents, he was very happy to see me!!! Mr. Clean was glad to have me home! Today it's back to work. The part I like about vacation least, is having to face the email and tasks at work when I get back, it can be overwhelming!

Happy Tuesday!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

food, candy, figuring out how to work around it

Yesterday management provided breakfast from Panera. One of my underwriters brought me stuffed cabbage for lunch, it was amazing!!!! In addition to this food candy bags were passed around the office yesterday, the result of a fund raiser that was being done.

I got home and Mr. Clean was making his amazing, and not low fat or calorie, potato soup... Last week I did so awesome with my eating!!! I purchased soup and stuck to it for lunch. This week my intention is the same thing, soup every day. Except yesterday that didn't happen. I am back on track for today!

I mentioned that I tripped while running. The resulting injury is a huge (figurative and literal) pain. I scraped off the skin from my elbow and my palm has 2 spots. I work at a desk, my elbow has to rest on my desk chair, I don't want to keep the wound covered because I need it to dry up. So today I taped paper towels to my chair arm in order to be able to rest my arm on something padded, it works.

I did make it to the gym last night. 4 miles on the elliptical. I needed it because I had to have eaten 2 days worth of calories yesterday.

Tonight if it's not raining I am going to try and take Jack on a walk. Tomorrow night I clean the office and if I'm not totally exhausted I will go to the gym. Thursday I will have to take Jack to my parents because I leave very early Friday morning for FLORIDA!!!! I'm so excited to see Patrice and meet Liam!!!

I am trying to figure out how to pack so that I don't have to check a bag, I've never successfully done this before but there's always a first time!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

5 minutes

Friday night I picked Girl Clean up from her mom's and we went to Kohl's to pick out birthday cards for her cousin, my niece. Then we headed home. I had 3 outfits for her to choose from for the wedding we were attending to the next day.

I had her Easter dress with a new pair of sparkly blue shoes, a leopard print dress, and the swing dress. She immediately picked the swing dress.

Saturday Girl Clean and I woke up and went to her ballet class. After class we ran home and changed her and picked up Mr. Clean and went to Cracker Barrel to grab a bite to eat. Girl Clean is a fan of the dumplings and ate all hers plus mine.

After the food we headed home to relax a little bit. The wedding we were going to was for a young lady who I used to babysit for. I was so excited for Jessi and thrilled to be able attend this very special day!! I got dressed and then got the girl ready. I had her Dad take some pictures for me.


Her dress is from Belks, the sweater and headband from Children's place, tights from Kohls and shoes from Old Navy




She and I arrived at 1:40, the wedding started at 2 and the church was packed!!! We sat second row from the back. My mom was helping so when she got done she came and sat with us. Girl Clean sat on our laps.

After the ceremony we went down to the reception for a little while. They had a chocolate fondue station and Girl Clean was in heaven!!

We left the party and headed home to pick up her Dad for church.

Yesterday morning I finished my 9 mile run. It was a gorgeous day for a run!!! Early into the run I tripped, and I really wanted to turn back and go home. I have pretty bad scrapes on the palm and elbow of my left arm/hand. I knew I needed to get that run in so I tested out my knee, and it was OK, I landed on my left leg, and so I finished. Go me!!!

Yesterday afternoon we celebrated my nieces birthday. Girl Clean loved her time with her cousins and my MIL made an awesome lunch!!!

This morning management put out a breakfast spread for us from Panera and it's YUMMY!!!!

Happy Monday!!!