Birthdays past

In August 2002 (23) I was a year out of college. I was working for the staffing agency at the front desk. I wasn't really "dating" anyone. At the end of the month I met Andy. That was brief and because Rick professed his "love" for me I broke up with Andy after about 2 months.

August 2003 (24) Rick had married, but not to crazy baby mama. I was dating Martin. He was way too old for me, and things were coming to a natural conclusion. I was working at the bridal salon and had to work late that night. Martin took me to dinner for my birthday and then I had to go sit and wait on him to do a handy man type project in exchange for a motorcycle that he wanted. This was the birthday I determined I would never work again on my birthday if I could help it because it was way too depressing.

August 2004 (25) I was dating Benjy. I drove to Atlanta and I was oh so excited because we were supposed to go to the Blondie concert on the Friday night before my birthday. Except it rained so hard they cancelled the concert. The following day, my actual birthday, it was nice. He took me to dinner and we talked. I was supposed to be moving down to Atlanta, except this was the trip that determined my ending our relationship. I realized that he really didn't have room for me in his life. After dinner we met up with friends of his at a strip club because one of his friends was dating one of the dancers. I was super impressed with the shoes of the dancers! I may have contemplated buying myself my own pair of stripper shoes.

August 2005 (26) I was in my condo. I was dating Mike2. He is someone I should have kicked to the curb, he blew me off on my birthday. That should have been my first clue. It took a trip to Charleston where I found my own way home for me to finally get rid of him once and for all.

August 2006 (27) I was dating Josh. Ahhh Josh. Oh my gosh if there was ever someone who I loved and tried and tried (and tried) to make it work. Except it takes 2 and he and I are a lot like oil and water. Or he never could figure out that I hate feeling like I'm the very last priority. For that birthday he was supposed to come to Charlotte early, he lived in Winston Salem. He ended up arriving after lunch. We had dinner with my parents. He was supposed to stay in town, but he drove back that night. Then he flew to Wyoming because he was looking at a job out there. I broke up with him because it seemed hopeless, a month later I met Chuck.(CF&G)

August 2007 (28) I was dating Chuck. It was starting to hit me that 30 was only 2 years away. I was freaking out. When Chuck's birthday had arrived in March I had thrown him a party with the help of his mom and sisters. I had gone all out. The month before that I had helped with G's 4th birthday party. So when my birthday rolled around, the weekend before, and after, he had fantasy football drafts. My birthday fell on Tuesday. He met with my parents for dinner, and was short with everyone that evening. The weekend before my birthday I had gone to see Dr. Marg and ended up with a whopping speeding ticket. My present was supposed to be help paying for the ticket. Except I broke up with him before he gave me the money and I never saw it. Instead I sold the Brahmin handbag he had given me for Christmas on Ebay to cover the cost.

August 2008 (29) I was dating Kendall. While Kendall and I broke up over personal belief differences I have to say that hands down he did the best job on helping me celebrate my birthday. He paid for my car insurance as my present which was very much needed that year. He had dinner with my parents and their friends. He just made me feel really special. It was awesome.

August 2009 (30) I was dating Rick again because like a fool I believed that he had changed. He hadn't. He came to town and we went to the restaurant where I worked at the time for dinner. It was so delicious!!! I really did enjoy that birthday. The actual day of my birthday I had driven to Greenville, SC for a job interview, then I drove up to High Point where Bean and Jelly made me dinner. I could not have asked for a nicer 30th birthday!

August 2010 (31) This goes down honestly as my very favorite birthday. My friend Vada told me about an event at Raffaldini Vineyards. We drove up and she had made chocolate cupcakes. I was super incredibly hungover from the night before. I had gone out with my roommate at the time, Krista. She and I had only intended to go out for a drink, famous last words. I was struggling that day, the wine tasting helped. Dr. Marg had driven up to the Vineyard and then I rode home with her. She and I went to dinner with our friend Christi at a sushi place and then we went out from there. This was the birthday where they were drinking dirty martinis and they were very (incredibly) honest with me about what I needed to do and how I needed to focus on me. It was hard to hear but I was thankful for the honesty and it makes me love them more.

August 2011 (32) What could have been a really awesome birthday wasn't. We had a trip planned to New Bern, NC. My wonderful friends and family all remembered my birthday. Once I reminded my husband what day it was he made me a very nice dinner. A week later he gave me a lovely card and gift. The trip in his mind was the 2nd part of our honeymoon, in my mind it had been a birthday trip so we were on entirely different pages.

This year for my birthday, I'm already making my own plans. Saturday I have lunch plans with Nicole. Sunday night we have dinner plans with Bean and Jelly. Tuesday (my actual birthday) I'm pretty sure I'm going to drive to Boone. Thursday night I'm having dinner with my parents. Saturday Mr. Clean's family is providing a birthday lunch. So I'm making sure that I make the day special all on my own. My gift from Mr. Clean is going to be new brakes, my request. I've told him I would like a card. That's it. I don't have any expectations of him. I mention every day that Tuesday of next week is my birthday. I've clearly stated that I know that birthday are not a big deal to him but they are to me and I'm going to have fun and enjoy.

I'm thankful that I am where I am today. I've learned that it's ok to look back every once in a while but not ok to constantly dwell in the past. I love to remember, but I also want to look forward. I have lived (almost) 33 years and I have a feeling that the coming year will be the best on yet!!!

5 minutes

Friday night I picked Girl Clean up from her mom's. Then we drove home to change clothes. The weather was so gorgeous Friday night we went to the park. Mr. Clean joined us. It was a really fun evening!

Saturday morning I went to the gym. My arms still hurt from the strength training! I came home, got ready, got Girl Clean ready and we left for lunch. We went to the food court at the mall because it's across from the hospital because after lunch we were going to to see my SIL who had a heart scare Friday night.

While at lunch I looked across the table, at another table was a lady with a walker talking to the girl who walks around and sweeps. It hit me so hard and of course I teared up. It was about this moment Mr. Clean was coming back to the table with his food and he saw me, and said "you're thinking about your Grandmommy aren't you." She would always talk to people and find out about them.

After lunch we went to see my SIL. She was ready to go home and fortunately she was for the most part ok.

We left the hospital and made our way to uptown Charlotte. Imaginon is  "a collaborative venture of the Charlotte Mecklenburg LIbrary and the Children's Theatre of Charlotte". via Imaginon web site.

They currently have an interactive castle. At the begining Girl Clean was a little overwhelmed. We walked around and then walked around the rest of the building and then went back to the castle. She really enjoyed the experience and I was amazed by the place, it's really a cool concept! The best part, it was FREE!!!

After church on Saturday night we took Girl Clean back to her mom.

Sunday morning I woke up and took Jack for a run. Then I had to get home and get to work. My parents were coming for dinner. Last night was the first time that they visited our house. It started off not so well. My mom was telling me about a trip that friends had made and my husband views this as gossip so he was not pleasant. Fortunately the conversation was directed away from that and after a little while it got a little better.

I can understand why my mom thinks my husband hates her. I tried to talk to Mr. Clean after they left last night but it was pointless. In his mind he's right and he's not going to tolerate gossip. What I can't convey is that it's his whole attitude towards my mom. She was nervous and uncomfortable and instead of asking about how she's doing he's sitting there acting like he doesn't want my parents there and mom was just trying to find something to talk about.

It is what it is. I'm glad that after the initial start it went slightly better. I'm glad my parents were finally able to see our house. I'm glad that they came. I don't expect it to happen again and it just reaffirms my desire to keep my husband and my family separate.

I also will keep praying about it. I know that this was a huge step last night and I know that it could not have happened last year. So there is progress. I don't ever expect much but I know that it can get better then it is.

To end this on an entirely random note. I have been using my Kindle for FB and blog reading. I finally figured out how to get reader into a format that I can read on the Kindle. Then this weekend I figured out how to get to blogs and comment. Now I need to figure out how to get auto correct off. It's so annoying to type in a word and look and realize that it corrected my typing!

Happy Monday!!!

schedule, plans, on track

Tuesday night I did not have to go to ballet class, because Girl Clean was too snotty and congested to go.

I had my meeting. It was a much needed escape from the argument that was taking place immediately before it. I have thoughts and opinions and I don't always agree with my husband. This makes him feel the need to keep fighting for his position. He is not going to change my mind unless he has a rational point. I was glad for my meeting!

Because of the discord Tuesday night it threw me off my usual game for Wednesday. I know I have to put my clothes out and I know I have to put my cleaning bucket by the door because I leave directly from work to go clean the office. Last night was going to be super special I was supposed to go to Noah's birthday party.

I forgot to put the bucket by the door. I remembered my work clothes and party clothes and makeup so I would not look like a hot sweaty mess for the party. Unfortunately I did not set out the cleaning bucket. I arrived at work yesterday morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't have the bucket.

Instead of the fun party, I had to drive home, drive over to the office and drive home again. Not the way I planned my Wednesday at all. So bummed I missed the party.

Yesterday at work we had our monthly meeting. My boss nominated me for a non leadership feed back event that is actually a big deal. I'm very happy that apparently despite feeling way overwhelmed I'm actually doing an ok job.

Tonight I have my chiropractor appointment. I'm hoping that I can learn what I need to do in order to protect my knees and keep on running.

I was reading back over my August posts from last year. I am glad that I found my voice and started writing. Everything I said then I still believe in and it's interesting to see how things have changed in the year.

My birthday is coming up. I'm planning a lunch with my friend Nicole for the Saturday before. I have the day of my birthday (Tuesday) off and I'm thinking I'll probably drive to Boone. The Sunday before I need to check with my family and see if we can all meet up for dinner somewhere in the middle for Bean and Jelly.

Patrice's baby boy came home from the hospital yesterday. I have not talked to her so I don't have any details. I'm so thrilled that he was able to go home!!!

My pants are all fitting too tight. Obviously my repeated statements of "I'm going to do better" are just words. I've been working out as consistently as I can. I know that it usually takes a year for me to lose weight so I think if I keep doing what I'm doing then this time next year I'll be the weight I want to be again.

Maybe. I was less consistent about working out in October/November/December (I think) and then my husband is an awesome cook. All that combined I believe is the reason for my inability to lose weight. That and my candy habit.

I plan to work out tonight after the chiropractor appointment. Hopefully I'll get back to running on Saturday morning. Currently we don't have plans for the weekend. I pick up Girl Clean tomorrow night and I'm hoping she will be feeling better!!!

Sunday my parents are coming to dinner. This is a very very big deal. I'm praying it all goes well!!!

Happy Thursday!!!

Stream of Thoughts

I love reading blogs. I get to see inside someone else's life. I have the opportunity to meet people, and it's awesome. When I'm feeling all kinds of out of sorts I find that I'm usually not the only one.

When I switched my blog over I also edited my blog roll. The blogs I read now I've chosen because they might not be high traffic blogs but they are real and I like keeping up with the writer. In the back of my mind is always the hope that someday maybe we might be able to meet up.

Had you told me when I started writing that I would meet friends through this medium I would have been curious how it would all work out. It works, it's a wonderful community!

This summer I've spent time reflecting. I've spent time thinking about last year. I've also thought about previous summers. Last summer I was so enmeshed in the awful. This year I've really enjoyed our summer.

In my thoughts a lot lately has been the little girl who was in my life before Girl Clean. She's 9 now. I can't explain why she comes to mind so frequently. There's no reason for this, so I always just say a prayer and move on. I can't help but wonder what she's like these days.

I think about my Grandmommy. It comes in waves. I'll go a while and not think about it and then I'll see a picture, or walk into a store, and a memory comes along. I know that I was so blessed to have my grandparents in my life for so long!

I've been thinking back to summers past, times at the lake and the beach trips we would take. This was always the time of year when my Grandparents would have the house at the beach. That last trip I made was 2008. I missed 2009 which was the last year Grandmommy rented the house.

I look at my life now and it's so different and that's not a bad thing, or a good thing, it just is. Friday nights I'm no longer driving to the restaurant I'm usually driving to pick up Girl Clean. I have the privilege of doing a lot of things one on one with Girl Clean and I love it!

I'm still not good at answering people when they ask me if she's mine. She is, through marriage. Except that confuses people so most of the time I just smile and say yes she's my stepdaughter. I wish there was a better term, and I don't know why I have such negative connotations of the whole "step" word.

Last night I tried to walk Jack thinking the rain was taking a break. We got caught in the rain then he had to get a bath because he got wet (wet dog smell). He gave me the sad ears, but when I got home from the gym he was happy to see me.

I'm thankful for the rain! It rained steadily last night from the time I left for the gym until I finished my workout. Because I ran on Sunday I did the elliptical and the bike last night. While watching Hitch in the "theatre" room, I do love this feature of my gym!!!

I hate being in a funk. It's a combination of August being here, this week out of the month, happy feelings, sad feelings, all rolled into this ball of emotional. Plus I need a vacation, or at least a day away where it's just me.

5 minutes

When I picked Girl Clean up on Friday I discovered that she too had the stuffy nose, minus my cough. So the pool with Vada was out. Instead we invited Vada to join us at Concord Mills. Sitting down and eating dinner does not burn the same energy as the pool does, unfortunately.

Saturday morning I took Jack for a walk because the weather was perfect! Saturday afternoon we ran errands and stayed in for the night.

Sunday morning we planned for the 11 service. I was getting ready and Girl Clean was in the tub when I remembered you're not supposed to let your kid go to nursery if they are sick. While she was mostly ok the runny nose was downright gross and she was having trouble breathing.

I stayed home with her while Mr. Clean went to church. Mr. Clean got home from church and I went to the gym. I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill, 2 miles elliptical and then strength training. It was an awesome workout!

Sunday afternoon I took Girl Clean back to her grandparents. We chilled out the rest of the evening.

I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, nothing new.

In general I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know why, and I know that I can only do what I can do.

On my drive in

I was driving to work this morning and thinking about yesterday and the turn out for the CFA support day. Then I started thinking about tomorrow and all those who will be coming out. I think it's wonderful that Christians showed their support and now tomorrow Christians have the opportunity to be the example of Jesus's love that we are called to be.

Tomorrow is the chance to show the love that God so wonderfully showed us. I think of the line from the Casting Crowns song, Jesus Friend of Sinners, and the sword is not ours to swing. So tomorrow what if Christians who showed up in support on Wednesday show up again? They take the opportunity to buy a meal, or ice cream, or sweet tea and show love.

Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has something that they could use prayer for. What an amazing opportunity to treat someone to delicious food, and not beat them over the head with how they are a sinner, or why they or wrong, but simply listen, and show love.

Perhaps not everyone will except the offer for a treat but if we show up and extend this love then we will be showing love in a very real and unique way.

Progress

Driving home last night I realized that it would be better for me to stay in then try and participate in my usual Tuesday night running around. I think the only way to fight this cold is rest.

Mr. Clean went to ballet class. It worked out really well because he was able to help Girl Clean put her shoes on for class. He was also able to talk to Amy and her fiancé and say congratulations. He asked if they had set a date yet, they haven't. We're thinking the wedding will come sooner rather then later.

When he got home we were talking. Something I realized last summer was that for all the head knowledge my husband had of the Bible and his seminary background he didn't seem to grasp how much God loved him.

I've mentioned a few times over the past few weeks the changes that I've seen. The progress that he and I have made; we have moments and I am thankful for the tools I have. I've been able to separate out the man from the disease. I've so clearly seen how God has worked and it is awe inspiring to me. It didn't happen over night. Clearly there have been some very difficult times. Yet through it all the situation was gradually changing.

Last summer I resorted to letter writing. I was so frustrated because I could see that he had no concept that it didn't matter what he had done God still loved him. God still has plans for him. I wrote letters and gave scripture reference and pretty much beat my husband over the head with words. This did not get us anywhere. Or maybe it did but everything else was so crazy I wouldn't have been able to see it.

As summer turned to fall I was still writing letters. I was still frustrated and still trying to change him. I started researching and trying to figure out what I could do to fix him. I had people praying. I had read books for me, and yet my focus was still trying to fix him. In my mind this was all his fault and all our problems were because of him.

Then in October I found a website and a message board where I learned about Al-Anon. They encouraged me to find a face to face meeting and it took 2 weeks but I finally did. I was ready to hear that it was ok for me to leave. That I had done everything I could and my solution was to just walk away. Except in Al-Anon no one tells you what to do. They tell you to keep coming back. They tell you about their experience and what worked for them. They tell you to take what you like and leave the rest.

Meanwhile life at home was in a strange place. While not the nightmare it had been from the summer before. It was still not ideal. As I learned about boundaries, and not accepting unacceptable behavior I slowly started to implement my boundaries. I started questioning my motives. I started reading and listening and gradually I started finding myself.

For YEARS I dated and dated and dated trying to find the (or a) guy to marry. I had a history of changing me to fit what I thought that they wanted. By the time Mr. Clean entered my life I was actually slowly starting to figure myself out. My marriage was the final push in direction of learning how to accept myself. In a meeting a few Tuesday's ago one of our members said Al-Anon gave me myself, and taught me how to love her. Truer words could not be spoken from my own mouth.

It was finding me that allowed me to make the call to walk away last March. I realized that I refused to accept the way things were any longer. I refused to tolerate being treated with anything less then dignity and respect. I can also say that because I had reached that place of understanding me, I was able to go back on my own time frame and no one else's.

Last night my husband was talking to me about how he's finally starting to understand that God really does love him. That for years he spent so much effort trying to work and earn God's acceptance and approval and he had it all along. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us first and because of His love we can love others. THIS. IS. HUGE!!! I was sitting there as he was telling me all this (and a lot more but I'm cutting to this part of the story) and I was silently saying prayers of absolute thanksgiving!

I think that there is a mistaken impression that we have to work for God's love. I know it's not just my husband who feels/felt this way. God is love and He loves. It's difficult for the world to understand this love because the church, largely, does not show this love. I know that there are churches that do but with so many church members throwing a list of thou shall nots in front of people the message is lost.

Instead of beating others over the head with rules that don't apply what happened to inviting someone to a meal. NOT to give a testimony but to share a meal. Instead of standing on a corner shouting scripture verses through a megaphone what about taking yourself to the homeless shelter and taking that time to serve a meal and show love.

If those who profess Christianity as their identity would strive to be Christ like to others then the world might be a little more ready to listen to what Christians have to say.